BURN BURN

[Asriel Dreemurr]

In the process of replying.

[Lunar Origins]

Also Music Note-san, you may want to change the personality of your character as he sounds very similar to honourable Dwarven King's.

 

I thought the same thing too... forgot about the Stu-isms.

 

Changed!

 

And if I do get accepted (unlikely)... I'd like my Callsign to be Hunter-3! XD

[Dwarven King]

I can see why Kyubey would reject your character. His personality is the generic quiet guy from Shōnen edging on a Gary Stu. The quiet guy who requires work to open up is a character archetype overused far past its second reincarnation and the dash of intelligence just makes him too perfect, adding the Gary Stu. His reason for joining sounds like something straight out of a Shōnen plot. For some reason, his high school girlfriend, apparently normal, is randomly kidnapped by a world leader and now he must travel around the world to find the man who stole his girlfriend, extending into the 9001st season.

 

tl;dr, character is in fact overused and not every app you make will be gold, honorable Dwarven King.

 

Also Music Note-san, you may want to change the personality of your character as he sounds very similar to honourable Dwarven King's.

 

Never heard of that show and I have never seen anyone use a character like mine. Aside from my own characters. I tend to lean towards the quiet, smart ones (similar to how I am in real life, so easier for me to relate to), and only rarely go for the loud types. They just aren't my cup of tea. Also, on the note of the girlfriend thing, that honestly just popped into my head as I was typing the app. So I just shrugged and went with it and was honestly finding a way to tie it into the story without affecting the main plot at all.

 

Either way, I thank you for taking the time to read my application and explaining to me how it was cliched. Apparently lots of people think the way I do, lol. Though this whole business could have just been avoided if Kyubey just explained it right off the back. I even messaged him about it. No reply. It disappoints me really. :\

 

Also, as a side note, the "honorable Dwarven King" part was a bit to much. Though I appreciate the...I guess compliment? However, I don't like having my ego stroked a lot like most people. :3

[Otaku-sama]

I think my satire was too high brow for you and you also missed the point of my message.

 

Shōnen is not a show, but a genre of anime where it is all based in action, with little character development, like Naruto, Bleach or Dragon Ball Z. Your character is a spitting image of the main characters in one of those shows, mainly boring, overdone, and static.

 

If you are able to relate to your character and share many traits with it, chances you are making a Gary Stu, or a self-emplacement into the story. Gary Stus are the lowest form of character because when you write as this character, you are simply writing what you yourself would do in that situation. That makes your writing low class and "too easy".

 

I was intending to patronize you by adding honorable to your name. Kyubey is refusing to explain anything to you because he (and many people on this thread) see you as an overtly proud RPer who is unable to take any criticism and will start complaining when you aren't accepted immediately. The general rule for getting rid of said proud people is to simply ignore and move on.

 

Finally, don't think for a goddamned second that the first thing that pops into your head is going to be good. You're dealing with the leader of this forum and he's definitely going to have high standards. If you can believe that the first thing that pops into your head is gold, chances are you need a reality check.

 

tl;dr, I was calling you douche in a classy way.

 

I do this out of love, not out of hate.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

By posting this, I am stating that I have read the rules and plot of the RP and know what I am getting into. I also will not complain if my character gets denied or asked to be changed.

 

[spoiler=[b]:"John Blackmoore (Ketodama)"[/b]]

Age: 37

Gender: Male

Ethnicity: Pure Irish

Place of Birth: Dublin, Ireland, Neo-European Union

 

Appearance:John Blackmoore is of a particularly strong build, not so much from the practice of "working out" but rather showing that he is accustomed to working with his hands, likely on heavy machinery. His skin is lightly tanned, primarily along his arms and torso with his legs being closer to the typical pale one would expect from the Irish people. His face is of perhaps a slightly sharper form than the norm, but surprisingly he has quite the strong, square jaw with an uncleft and rounded chin of average size. The man's eyes are of an emerald green which gleams in any amount of light, and his hair is of dirty blonde, hanging down from his head to just under his shoulders in a somewhat untidy mess. In the way of tattoos, he has two of the same emblem with one on each bicep. The emblem is of a bleached skull in the center of a shamrock.

Clothing: As far as street clothing goes, Blackmoore wears a simple pair of oil-stained blue jeans which he has managed to, surprisingly, avoid tearing to shreds. To cover his feet, an old worn out pair of leather combat boots are his article of choice while over his torso he typically wears a plain white "wife beater" due to the tropical climate of most of the Pacific Rim area. Around his neck he typically wears a pair of large lens aviator goggles, accompanied by a small steel chain from which hangs a pendant of a miniature wrench passing through the center holes of two gears of different sizes. His flight suit is composed of a skin-tight emerald green full body suit of what is essentially spandex, with an over-laying fire retardant jacket and insulated pants of the same color with zippers of a slightly darker shade in case of a wreck.

 

Personality: Blackmoore's the typical flamboyant personality, often louder than the situation warrants and not particularly slow in stating his opinion on a matter. He also tends to be a bit possessive with his Exframe, often threatening people who intend to do any sort of "messing" with it with the sort of punishment that would easily dissuade them from any sort of action against it. Other than that, he's typically a very friendly sort of person, easy to interact with and quite often open to creating friendships. With his friends, he'll likely not be any different from he is normally and likely to even greater extremes of displaying what often appears to be either stupidity or fearlessness to a ridiculous extent. A slight vengeful nature is also apparent in his character, as he tends to have a long memory of wrongs done to him and also tends to repay them in full. This attitude towards repayment also holds true for good done to him, which he will move as quickly as possible to return.

 

In combat, he's still either incredibly stupid or ridiculously fearless but more in the heroic and valorous sense than the foolhardy. If he's given the chance to inflict some pretty serious damage to the enemy, you bet your ass he'll be taking it but at the same time he might just relent against a foe that has been rendered unable to fight on for reasons known only to him. It is in the heat of battle that the true value of Blackmoore to his friends and allies is shown as he'll often throw himself in front of those in more weakly armored suits to prevent their coming to harm and next go rushing forward to decimate the foe who had dared try to bring harm to those close to him.

History: For the most part, Blackmoore's life was a normal one in his neck of the woods, the various conflicts of the world causing no more than a slight increase in the prices of good his family needed. However, around the time that he turned twenty he joined up with the local military forces, waving goodbye to his family and hello to a life in the armed forces. He entered the Exframe pilot program almost immediately, having been recognized as having some sort of natural talent with machines that made operating the mecha systems incredibly easy for him. It was after about ten years of service that he was sent along with a special forces squad into an assault, the intent of which was to cripple a production center for the Pacific Rim. During this raid his mecha was severely damaged, resulting in a crash which prevented his return and caused the NEU military to list him as KIA. He managed to crawl from the resulting inferno, before passing out. When he next awoke, he was being nursed back to health in the home of a kindly local farmer who unfortunately did not speak English. It took him a few months to fully recover, during which time he managed to occasionally return to the crash site and make repairs. After his full recovery, he managed to get the mecha up to functioning status and used it to travel towards the nearest PR base, leaving behind the mobile repair kit he had used to fix up his Exframe as the only sort of repayment he could give. Upon arriving at this military base, he summarily renounced the NEU and joined up with the local military.

Reason for Joining: A sense of need to repay the farmer who aided him through the protection of his homeland.

Additional: As implied and mentioned above, he has a gift with machines and is pretty well able to fix most minor and average breaks, with about a fifty percent chance of fixing severe breaks and essentially only being able to salvage bits of wrecks.

 

[spoiler=Exframe]

Name: Brimstone

Type: Mid-Range Assault

Description: The Brimstone is obviously made to hit hard in melee with the ability to engage in mid to close range. The overall build of it is meant to do a lot of hitting while still being able to take a fair amount of damage and keep going. In greater detail, the Exframe was constructed with the image of a mechanical version of a medieval knight in ornate armor in mind. The color scheme is modeled after a classic American Hot Rod, with a primary metallic green paint job overlaid with white flames and metallic orange at their center. the flames are primarily located on the arms and legs of the mecha.

Arsenal: Firstly, the Brimstone is armed with a staff, the pole of which is about a foot larger than the mecha wielding it, with a half-crescent forge blade on either side of it with the tip pointing out from the center of the staff.

In addition to this, the Brimstone is equipped with an eighty millimeter cannon mounted on the upper portion of either fore-arm. These cannons are capable of firing a variety of ammunition at a rate of sixty rounds per minute and typically as used for softening up a target as the mecha closes in on them.

Finally, the Brimstone carries a pair of deployable shoulder-mounted cannons which fire what are essentially larger versions of the Flash Bombs. These cannons are not meant for indirect fire, rather meant to be used as a first-attack method when closing in on an enemy formation. In addition to firing the over-sized Flash Bombs, the cannons are capable of shooting traditional explosive rounds for clearing out bunkers, and typically the Mecha carries a number of both munitions.

 

Power: 4

Defense: 3

Speed: 3

Accuracy: 3

Mobility: 4

 

 

 

There we are, hope it's acceptable.

[Dwarven King]

I think my satire was too high brow for you and you also missed the point of my message.

 

Shōnen is not a show, but a genre of anime where it is all based in action, with little character development, like Naruto, Bleach or Dragon Ball Z. Your character is a spitting image of the main characters in one of those shows, mainly boring, overdone, and static.

 

If you are able to relate to your character and share many traits with it, chances you are making a Gary Stu, or a self-emplacement into the story. Gary Stus are the lowest form of character because when you write as this character, you are simply writing what you yourself would do in that situation. That makes your writing low class and "too easy".

 

I was intending to patronize you by adding honorable to your name. Kyubey is refusing to explain anything to you because he (and many people on this thread) see you as an overtly proud RPer who is unable to take any criticism and will start complaining when you aren't accepted immediately. The general rule for getting rid of said proud people is to simply ignore and move on.

 

Finally, don't think for a goddamned second that the first thing that pops into your head is going to be good. You're dealing with the leader of this forum and he's definitely going to have high standards. If you can believe that the first thing that pops into your head is gold, chances are you need a reality check.

 

tl;dr, I was calling you douche in a classy way.

 

I do this out of love, not out of hate.

 

My whole reply to you was entirely sarcastic. (look, I even found an eye rolling smiley )

 

All I wanted was a simple explanation as to why my app was "cliched". No, I am not a "proud RPer". I am well aware of the fact that my RP skills are horrible and will gladly admit that and point out who is really best. Like Grey for example. Just reading his posts fills me with envy.

 

But the only replies I get are sarcastic ones. Hell, the guy I'm wanting a simple explanation from is ignoring me. Yet he said he would be willing to help make a denied app better. *checks threads for any pointers* Well damn, either he's picky, or he's a liar. Either way, he's a dumbass (look Kyubey, I'm going to be a douche just for you :3). This is why forums lack full quality. Nobody bothers to help people after they say they will. Instead, they "kindly" ask them to leave. Yeah, I reacted bad. Eh, looking at what time it is here, the amount of sleep I've had lately, and adding the fact that my bloody head hurts, I believe my reaction was somewhat decent. Trust me, I've done far worse...while in a good mood...on purpose for the hell of it.

 

And, in case you haven't figured it out, I don't log off the forum and cry in a corner when someone is an ass to me. No, I continue with my business while being an ass right back. I have no respect for authority when said authority fails to do anything to earn my respect. And that is how I am, how I've been, and how I always will be.

 

(Moves Knight to F3)

 

Now then, shall we end these idiotic, sarcastic remarks being thrown around? Or does someone wish to take the next move?

[Dad]

My whole reply to you was entirely sarcastic. (look, I even found an eye rolling smiley )

 

All I wanted was a simple explanation as to why my app was "cliched". No, I am not a "proud RPer". I am well aware of the fact that my RP skills are horrible and will gladly admit that and point out who is really best. Like Grey for example. Just reading his posts fills me with envy.

 

But the only replies I get are sarcastic ones. Hell, the guy I'm wanting a simple explanation from is ignoring me. Yet he said he would be willing to help make a denied app better. *checks threads for any pointers* Well damn, either he's picky, or he's a liar. Either way, he's a dumbass (look Kyubey, I'm going to be a douche just for you :3). This is why forums lack full quality. Nobody bothers to help people after they say they will. Instead, they "kindly" ask them to leave. Yeah, I reacted bad. Eh, looking at what time it is here, the amount of sleep I've had lately, and adding the fact that my bloody head hurts, I believe my reaction was somewhat decent. Trust me, I've done far worse...while in a good mood...on purpose for the hell of it.

 

And, in case you haven't figured it out, I don't log off the forum and cry in a corner when someone is an ass to me. No, I continue with my business while being an ass right back. I have no respect for authority when said authority fails to do anything to earn my respect. And that is how I am, how I've been, and how I always will be.

 

(Moves Knight to F3)

 

Now then, shall we end these idiotic, sarcastic remarks being thrown around? Or does someone wish to take the next move?

 

Are you still butthurt that you got denied? STFU, stop wasting our time, and move on. This petty argument has gone on long enough, and you lot need to stop your jabroniing and let it go.

 

Rinne, I fixed my app. Please review it as soon as you can.

 

BTW, the last name is African.

[Dwarven King]

Are you still butthurt that you got denied? STFU, stop wasting our time, and move on. This petty argument has gone on long enough, and you lot need to stop your jabroniing and let it go.

 

Rinne, I fixed my app. Please review it as soon as you can.

 

BTW, the last name is African.

 

Butthurt about being denied? Not at all. I was willing to do a whole new app...until I was told not to bother. Am I upset that I was completely ignored instead of helped like promised? Naturally. B)

 

And if we are going to go around using abbreviations, then I guess I might as well join in! ;D STFU and GTFO of my life!!!! ...did I do it right? I was never really good at being a PMSing poster. Some pointers would be appreciated. :)

[GreyCat]

Reggie's app has been fixed. Look over when you can.

[fenrir]

Butthurt about being denied? Not at all. I was willing to do a whole new app...until I was told not to bother. Am I upset that I was completely ignored instead of helped like promised? Naturally. B)

 

And if we are going to go around using abbreviations, then I guess I might as well join in! ;D STFU and GTFO of my life!!!! ...did I do it right? I was never really good at being a PMSing poster. Some pointers would be appreciated. :)

 

Good lord.

 

I wasn't going to step in, mainly because this is Rinne's thread and I don't want to fuel the goddamn argument, but holy crap.

 

First of all, no one's going to give you pointers if you complain in a douchey manner. Rinne's application rules were as follow: Complain about changes and get kicked. Pretty standard. If you had asked others how your character was cliché, IN A NICE MANNER, people would have obliged. Being a douche to people just because you got kicked, while hilarious to watch, is really not the way to get advice. After your stupid argument now, like hell is anyone going to help you.

 

Second of all, you really are ignorant, you know that? Otaku-sama actually gave you pointers on how your character was cliché. Sarcastic? Sure. Did that change the point he was making entirely? Not at all. f***, after he gave you reasons about why your character was terribly cliché, (reaper mecha? really? what are you, 12?) you ignored that portion of his response. Here you are asking for pointers when Otaku had already given you some. I'm guessing you don't like it when people tell you to change.

 

So just get the f*** out of my friend's thread while people only mildly dislike you. >__>

 

Honestly, it's people like you that make me ashamed to say I RP on this forum. And it's people like Otaku-sama that deserve high-fives.

 

And now I can get back to my app. =-=

[Lunar Origins]

 

Now, let us get back to discussing and helping people on Apps.

[Magnet Soldier]

Finished the App Kyubey!

 

And DK, to be Polite so as to not insult you in any way, please, just leave. You aren't helping yourself with this, and I'm pretty sure you're going to, if you haven't already, anger the Great and Powerful Rinne/Kyubey, the controller of the RP forum and the guy who pretty much runs things around here. And that would be a bad Idea.

[Sweetie Belle]

By posting this, I am stating that I have read the rules and plot of the RP and know what I am getting into. I also will not complain if my character gets denied or asked to be changed.

[spoiler=Catalina "Kitty" He (ElectricKirby)]Name: Catalina "Kitty" He

Call Sign: Snatch

Age: 23

Gender: Female

Ethnicity: 50% Welsh, 25% Japanese, 25% Chinese

Place of Birth: Cardiff, Wales

 

Appearance: Catalina's most unique feature is her unbelievably pale skin tone. She has short, black hair that she keeps no longer than the top of her neck. She ties it back when she works on Glass. She's short for her age, coming in at 5'1". Her weight is no help to her petite stature; she doesn't even come into the 100s, weighing only 89 lbs. Her relatively slender figure helps her in stealthy operations, which includes stealing. Her wide, blue eyes give her a "cute" factor, and gives her better night vision.

Clothing: Catalina's regular style is fairly simple. She sports a plain white sleeveless shirt and black track pants, with a white stripe down the sides and inseam. She wears a holster that houses a 9mm Revolver, used when necessary. Her pilot suit isn't so different. It has the same aesthetic design: white sleeveless top, black bottom with white stripes, etc., etc. In the case of a formal situation, she wears strapless dresses. Frankly, she hates sleeves, and doesn't like to wear them. It's a rather irrational dislike, as even she can't reason to why she won't.

 

Personality: In one word, Kitty is a bit mischievous. She steals small things, and rarely gets caught. Due to this, she has quite a few enemies, and can hardly ever go into a store. On the upside, a lot of people know her, and she's somewhat famous. She also loves to joke around, playing around with other people like toys. Of course, she hates when people joke her stature, resorting immediately to violence if they do. Despite being small, she still pack a big punch.

Kitty's redeeming feature is her generosity and sensitivity, although it often doesn't show it at times. She goes out of her way to help a person in need, or if she sees a cute animal. She loves to make things for her friends, and often steals gifts to give. Although she can't cook for her life, she always tries to make food for them. She gets sensitive and often cries when someone insults her cooking, or if someone just doesn't like it, leading to the fact that she doesn't know that she can't cook. This also leads to her friends eating her food to just not feel guilty.

History: Kitty's earliest memory is her father leaving home to join the military. She can still clearly remember that day. He told her that he was leaving to fight. "Father! You told me you wouldn't fight anymore!" she protested. But it was to no avail. "I have to." Those words were the last Kitty heard from her father. She was only ten at the time. From that point on, she lived under the supervision of her mother, who lived in Shanghai, China after divorcing her father. This side of the family was strict as can be, and so Kitty became used to very tight rules. All it did, however, was motivate her to find ways to break them and not get caught.

Recently, she discovered an illegal operation of ExFrame production near her home. She broke in, per usual, and managed to acquire one of her own. It was an illegal version of a prefect model, but she stole it anyway. Her skills as a pilot were no surprise for the daughter of a war veteran, but she still wasn't perfect. She made her way to Tokyo, known for its advancements in ExFrame production. While there, she was ambushed by a street ExFrame gang. She managed to disable the entire gang, but her ExFrame was in horrible condition. A man in a black trenchcoat offered to repair it, but instead, he took the ExFrame and ran off. Kitty wandered around, until she met up with a mysterious man in an alley one night. He told her he could get her an ExFrame. Of course, she was skeptical, but she decided to go with him anyway. He led her to a warehouse, and inside was a single ExFrame. He told her it was a prototype, but she took it anyway. She spends most of her free time trying to add things to Glass, and make it more powerful than it was meant to be. Because of her almost constant work, she has extensive knowledge on how ExFrames work, and can repair others when necessary. Although, she often charges for that.

Reason for Joining: Kitty knew that's where her father fought last time, and she's hoping she'll find him.

Additional: She's allergic to most types of pollen. She also has a habit of stealing. If you leave something out, and aren't watching it, it's hers. She also has an uncanny love of noodles.[spoiler=Exframe]Name: Glass: Model 0

Type: Assault

Description: Glass is aesthetically like any other ExFrame. The head appears to have some kind of horn, although its purpose is unknown at the time. Its white color scheme with black stripes down the side of the legs and arms are its distinguishing feature. It stands slightly taller that other models, however, by about a foot or two. Internally, however, there are many, many differences. The cockpit is also located elsewhere. It is located inside the torso, as opposed to the head, in front of the casing of the Solomon Engine. It's supposed to allow a more complete synchronization between ExFrame and pilot.This allows better synchronization techniques and mechanics to be used. Its signature feature, the Ion Cannon, is mounted on its back, facing upwards when Glass stands up straight. The intake vent is located at the other end of the cannon, which is located at the bottom of the back. The RailGun located on the left wrist had the ability to collapse for mobility purposes.

Arsenal:

Melee Weaponry:

Assassin's Blade:

Concealed within the left palm of the ExFrame, this small-scale Forge Blade doesn't do much damage, as it cannot penetrate deep enough to do any critical damage. However, it is useful in tight situations.

Long Blade:

The ExFrame's most used weapon. This Forge Blade is able to retract into the forearm, it slides out over the right wrist of the ExFrame. It only has one edge, and a small, double-barrel pulse gun is mounted on the blunt edge. Fully unsheathed, the Forge Blade itself is three meters long.

Projectile Weaponry:

Ion Cannon:

This cannon fires ITS LAZUH supercharged oxygen particles, and is very powerful, able to practically obliterate anything it touches, including lead. However, it is unreliable. It takes about a minute to charge up, and the user cannot move while doing so. It has heavy recoil, and the ExFrame may sustain critical damage if not anchored properly. It has a long cooldown time, and the ExFrame may overheat and shut down if it cannot cool properly. Overall, this weapon is rarely used.

Double-Barrel Pulse Laser Gun:

Mounted on the blunt edge of the ExFrame's Forge Blade, these small guns pack a small punch, by letting out a burst of concentrated photon energy. This gives the ExFrame some long-range capability.

Shoulder-Mounted 8 Missile Pods:

Eight missiles are mounted on each shoulder, able to fire at will. This is one of the ExFrame's most stable and reliable weapons, and therefore, one of the most used.

144mm Anti-ExFrame RailGun:

Mounted on the back of the left wrist, the RailGun, commonly used by snipers, requires anchoring due to the heavy recoil it has. The force of the recoil will knock off the targeting systems, so aiming is near impossible and relies on intuition and luck.

Defensive:

Phase Gauntlets:

The forearms of the ExFrame vibrate at high frequency, approximately matching an average Forge Blade frequency. This allows it to block a strike from a Forge Blade, and possibly EM pulses. These gauntlets are the ExFrame's only line of defense.

Other:

Stability Locks:

Used exclusively to anchor the ExFrame while charging and firing the Ion Cannon. It takes about 15 seconds to set up, as the locks are located on the bottom of the left foot, the right knee, and on the ends of the main four fingers on both hands. The locks are fragile, although sturdy enough to allow the firing of the Ion Cannon, but are mostly a priority target.

Particle Intake Vent:

The vent located in the lower back region is used exclusively to collect particles for the firing of the Ion Cannon. It's only liability is being covered; at that point, it can't collect particles, and the cannon will stop charging.

Power: 5

Defense: 1

Speed: 5

Accuracy: 1

Mobility: 5

 

 

[bury the year]

Steven Robert Yumikawa

You’re going to need to have some way to get that eye to function. Generally speaking, Flood isn’t going to accept a pilot who isn’t in top sensory shape. His bum vision could be a major liability.

 

The Hack Cables aren’t designed for picking things up: they aren’t prehensile, and they’re skinnier than you think. (They’re used more as whips and tanglers over tentacles.)

 

Machine gun boxing is awesome, but it seems more like the thing to be used as a special system, and I’m presuming that the invisibility system is your special (as it isn’t standard on others). I suggest you drop it or integrate it into a less-essential system somehow.

 

You can’t disappear from visible sight completely, but you can make it like a “heat shimmer,” in that light is distorted around the Exframe enough to make it difficult to detect.

 

A Hack Cable net wouldn’t work if it isn’t connected to the Exframe itself, because it runs off of the Solomon Engine of the mecha itself.

 

Any type of antimatter gun is impossible, considering matter plus antimatter in any combination results in a massive explosion. You’d have to get antigravity for that, and that, like the method above, would require an incredible tax on your system. Plus, it’s too godmod-ish, and using it would make Ghost into a sitting duck.

 

Sean Whelan

And I was complaining about people being 6’3”. Let me put it out there: piloting any type of craft becomes increasingly difficult the taller you are. You’re getting stuck inside a small cockpit most of the time, so you will develop constricted blood flow from being folded over like an origami crane. 7’1” is too tall. Please change it.

 

The personality’s too one-dimensional. I can summarize it in only two words – smart, reclusive – which isn’t good. Put some more thought into how he develops and reacts to people. Remember, the personality is the hinge of your character.

 

Unnatural growth is somewhat justified here, but I’d still like you to tone it down some more. Plus, it seems more of a Freudian excuse than anything.

 

4.6 GPA and Harvard? Despite one often leading to the other, let me be blunt in saying a 4.6 is nigh impossible to achieve at any standard, and getting into Harvard is even more so. (Trust me, I’ve tried. I’m only a 4.2. Plus, you usually need family connections or need to be underprivileged/minority.) It’s Stu-ish, to be direct.

 

People normally don’t give up on life that easily, especially if the relationship was as one-sided as you depict it. He’s maladjusted, but seriously. “Wasting away” for three years doesn’t seem to be too productive.

 

The rifle’s too much of a OHKO, especially at that distance. Heavily tone down on the distance (Exframe battles are rarely at such a length), and make it a single shot instead of a consecutive beam. It can’t “instantly fry.” Also, you can lighten the weight up a bit.

 

Theodore Baigun

The fact that his father was suddenly a top-ranked kickboxer feels like a Deus Ex Machina. Revealing it earlier in the history should fix that.

 

I’m a bit confused on both the Killjoy’s “helmet” and the self-sacrifice system, especially because what is does is unclear at times. Does it actually explode and destroy the Exframe or does it just emit radiation? Also, clarify the “life force” section of the sword: from my understanding, it diverts the majority of the Solomon Engine to itself to remain operational.

 

EDIT: ElectricKirby, Catalina's review will be up in a bit.

[Magnet Soldier]

Steven Robert Yumikawa

You’re going to need to have some way to get that eye to function. Generally speaking, Flood isn’t going to accept a pilot who isn’t in top sensory shape. His bum vision could be a major liability.

 

The Hack Cables aren’t designed for picking things up: they aren’t prehensile, and they’re skinnier than you think. (They’re used more as whips and tanglers over tentacles.)

 

Machine gun boxing is awesome, but it seems more like the thing to be used as a special system, and I’m presuming that the invisibility system is your special (as it isn’t standard on others). I suggest you drop it or integrate it into a less-essential system somehow.

 

You can’t disappear from visible sight completely, but you can make it like a “heat shimmer,” in that light is distorted around the Exframe enough to make it difficult to detect.

 

A Hack Cable net wouldn’t work if it isn’t connected to the Exframe itself, because it runs off of the Solomon Engine of the mecha itself.

 

Any type of antimatter gun is impossible, considering matter plus antimatter in any combination results in a massive explosion. You’d have to get antigravity for that, and that, like the method above, would require an incredible tax on your system. Plus, it’s too godmod-ish, and using it would make Ghost into a sitting duck.

 

The Problem with the Eye: Hence the Weird Camera Item for his eye.

So besides that, the main problems are with the mecha.

As for the Antimatter Gun, if stored inside a complete Vaccuum it is safe, due to lack of Matter, and if used in a small amount, it wont create a huge explosion. The whole point is it makes Ghost a Sitting Duck afterwards. But I'll take it off. It is Extremely Godmoddish, so it'll leave.

HackNet, it could be attached by a thin wire, with a long range?

HackWires, that's why I said advanced Hackwires. Not Thick, just durable and incredibly strong. And not Prehensile. More like, as you said, a whip. Which can be used to wrap around peoples legs and trip them up. It's like a giant whip, basically.

Machine Gun Boxing: I didn't actually think of that. Mainly because Ghost isn't really a Close range Mecha. Just the 'Shooting from Fists = Cool.'

Okay, "Heat Shimmer" it is. However, as I said, Night Vision is the flaw, Kay?

 

Add all this to it would equal Okay?

 

Also, to fit in with the Theme of "Kill People while being Invisible" I've added an EMP. That Fine?

[Lunar Origins]

Steven Robert Yumikawa

You’re going to need to have some way to get that eye to function. Generally speaking, Flood isn’t going to accept a pilot who isn’t in top sensory shape. His bum vision could be a major liability.

 

The Hack Cables aren’t designed for picking things up: they aren’t prehensile, and they’re skinnier than you think. (They’re used more as whips and tanglers over tentacles.)

 

Machine gun boxing is awesome, but it seems more like the thing to be used as a special system, and I’m presuming that the invisibility system is your special (as it isn’t standard on others). I suggest you drop it or integrate it into a less-essential system somehow.

 

You can’t disappear from visible sight completely, but you can make it like a “heat shimmer,” in that light is distorted around the Exframe enough to make it difficult to detect.

 

A Hack Cable net wouldn’t work if it isn’t connected to the Exframe itself, because it runs off of the Solomon Engine of the mecha itself.

 

Any type of antimatter gun is impossible, considering matter plus antimatter in any combination results in a massive explosion. You’d have to get antigravity for that, and that, like the method above, would require an incredible tax on your system. Plus, it’s too godmod-ish, and using it would make Ghost into a sitting duck.

 

Sean Whelan

And I was complaining about people being 6’3”. Let me put it out there: piloting any type of craft becomes increasingly difficult the taller you are. You’re getting stuck inside a small cockpit most of the time, so you will develop constricted blood flow from being folded over like an origami crane. 7’1” is too tall. Please change it.

 

The personality’s too one-dimensional. I can summarize it in only two words – smart, reclusive – which isn’t good. Put some more thought into how he develops and reacts to people. Remember, the personality is the hinge of your character.

 

Unnatural growth is somewhat justified here, but I’d still like you to tone it down some more. Plus, it seems more of a Freudian excuse than anything.

 

4.6 GPA and Harvard? Despite one often leading to the other, let me be blunt in saying a 4.6 is nigh impossible to achieve at any standard, and getting into Harvard is even more so. (Trust me, I’ve tried. I’m only a 4.2. Plus, you usually need family connections or need to be underprivileged/minority.) It’s Stu-ish, to be direct.

 

People normally don’t give up on life that easily, especially if the relationship was as one-sided as you depict it. He’s maladjusted, but seriously. “Wasting away” for three years doesn’t seem to be too productive.

 

The rifle’s too much of a OHKO, especially at that distance. Heavily tone down on the distance (Exframe battles are rarely at such a length), and make it a single shot instead of a consecutive beam. It can’t “instantly fry.” Also, you can lighten the weight up a bit.

 

Theodore Baigun

The fact that his father was suddenly a top-ranked kickboxer feels like a Deus Ex Machina. Revealing it earlier in the history should fix that.

 

I’m a bit confused on both the Killjoy’s “helmet” and the self-sacrifice system, especially because what is does is unclear at times. Does it actually explode and destroy the Exframe or does it just emit radiation? Also, clarify the “life force” section of the sword: from my understanding, it diverts the majority of the Solomon Engine to itself to remain operational.

 

EDIT: ElectricKirby, Catalina's review will be up in a bit.

 

Thank you for your constructive criticism. I will re-write my Character shortly.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

Um...not to be a bother, but it seems you've over-looked my app. It's back on page three and sixth from the bottom.

[bury the year]

Um...not to be a bother, but it seems you've over-looked my app. It's back on page three and sixth from the bottom.

 

Sorry. Please link to the direct post, though: I have it set on 40 posts per page, so there isn't a third page yet for me.

 

Catalina He

Her character as a whole is fine. However, her Exframe and her obtaining of it contradicts how they are going to be obtained (through a Japanese ally) so I'm therefore going to have to DENY it in its current state. If you'd like to keep Catalina, please change the history of how she obtained it and its prototype status.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

I'll do you one better and quote myself.

 

By posting this, I am stating that I have read the rules and plot of the RP and know what I am getting into. I also will not complain if my character gets denied or asked to be changed.

 

[spoiler=[b]:"John Blackmoore (Ketodama)"[/b]]

Age: 37

Gender: Male

Ethnicity: Pure Irish

Place of Birth: Dublin, Ireland, Neo-European Union

 

Appearance:John Blackmoore is of a particularly strong build, not so much from the practice of "working out" but rather showing that he is accustomed to working with his hands, likely on heavy machinery. His skin is lightly tanned, primarily along his arms and torso with his legs being closer to the typical pale one would expect from the Irish people. His face is of perhaps a slightly sharper form than the norm, but surprisingly he has quite the strong, square jaw with an uncleft and rounded chin of average size. The man's eyes are of an emerald green which gleams in any amount of light, and his hair is of dirty blonde, hanging down from his head to just under his shoulders in a somewhat untidy mess. In the way of tattoos, he has two of the same emblem with one on each bicep. The emblem is of a bleached skull in the center of a shamrock.

Clothing: As far as street clothing goes, Blackmoore wears a simple pair of oil-stained blue jeans which he has managed to, surprisingly, avoid tearing to shreds. To cover his feet, an old worn out pair of leather combat boots are his article of choice while over his torso he typically wears a plain white "wife beater" due to the tropical climate of most of the Pacific Rim area. Around his neck he typically wears a pair of large lens aviator goggles, accompanied by a small steel chain from which hangs a pendant of a miniature wrench passing through the center holes of two gears of different sizes. His flight suit is composed of a skin-tight emerald green full body suit of what is essentially spandex, with an over-laying fire retardant jacket and insulated pants of the same color with zippers of a slightly darker shade in case of a wreck.

 

Personality: Blackmoore's the typical flamboyant personality, often louder than the situation warrants and not particularly slow in stating his opinion on a matter. He also tends to be a bit possessive with his Exframe, often threatening people who intend to do any sort of "messing" with it with the sort of punishment that would easily dissuade them from any sort of action against it. Other than that, he's typically a very friendly sort of person, easy to interact with and quite often open to creating friendships. With his friends, he'll likely not be any different from he is normally and likely to even greater extremes of displaying what often appears to be either stupidity or fearlessness to a ridiculous extent. A slight vengeful nature is also apparent in his character, as he tends to have a long memory of wrongs done to him and also tends to repay them in full. This attitude towards repayment also holds true for good done to him, which he will move as quickly as possible to return.

 

In combat, he's still either incredibly stupid or ridiculously fearless but more in the heroic and valorous sense than the foolhardy. If he's given the chance to inflict some pretty serious damage to the enemy, you bet your ass he'll be taking it but at the same time he might just relent against a foe that has been rendered unable to fight on for reasons known only to him. It is in the heat of battle that the true value of Blackmoore to his friends and allies is shown as he'll often throw himself in front of those in more weakly armored suits to prevent their coming to harm and next go rushing forward to decimate the foe who had dared try to bring harm to those close to him.

History: For the most part, Blackmoore's life was a normal one in his neck of the woods, the various conflicts of the world causing no more than a slight increase in the prices of good his family needed. However, around the time that he turned twenty he joined up with the local military forces, waving goodbye to his family and hello to a life in the armed forces. He entered the Exframe pilot program almost immediately, having been recognized as having some sort of natural talent with machines that made operating the mecha systems incredibly easy for him. It was after about ten years of service that he was sent along with a special forces squad into an assault, the intent of which was to cripple a production center for the Pacific Rim. During this raid his mecha was severely damaged, resulting in a crash which prevented his return and caused the NEU military to list him as KIA. He managed to crawl from the resulting inferno, before passing out. When he next awoke, he was being nursed back to health in the home of a kindly local farmer who unfortunately did not speak English. It took him a few months to fully recover, during which time he managed to occasionally return to the crash site and make repairs. After his full recovery, he managed to get the mecha up to functioning status and used it to travel towards the nearest PR base, leaving behind the mobile repair kit he had used to fix up his Exframe as the only sort of repayment he could give. Upon arriving at this military base, he summarily renounced the NEU and joined up with the local military.

Reason for Joining: A sense of need to repay the farmer who aided him through the protection of his homeland.

Additional: As implied and mentioned above, he has a gift with machines and is pretty well able to fix most minor and average breaks, with about a fifty percent chance of fixing severe breaks and essentially only being able to salvage bits of wrecks.

 

[spoiler=Exframe]

Name: Brimstone

Type: Mid-Range Assault

Description: The Brimstone is obviously made to hit hard in melee with the ability to engage in mid to close range. The overall build of it is meant to do a lot of hitting while still being able to take a fair amount of damage and keep going. In greater detail, the Exframe was constructed with the image of a mechanical version of a medieval knight in ornate armor in mind. The color scheme is modeled after a classic American Hot Rod, with a primary metallic green paint job overlaid with white flames and metallic orange at their center. the flames are primarily located on the arms and legs of the mecha.

Arsenal: Firstly, the Brimstone is armed with a staff, the pole of which is about a foot larger than the mecha wielding it, with a half-crescent forge blade on either side of it with the tip pointing out from the center of the staff.

In addition to this, the Brimstone is equipped with an eighty millimeter cannon mounted on the upper portion of either fore-arm. These cannons are capable of firing a variety of ammunition at a rate of sixty rounds per minute and typically as used for softening up a target as the mecha closes in on them.

Finally, the Brimstone carries a pair of deployable shoulder-mounted cannons which fire what are essentially larger versions of the Flash Bombs. These cannons are not meant for indirect fire, rather meant to be used as a first-attack method when closing in on an enemy formation. In addition to firing the over-sized Flash Bombs, the cannons are capable of shooting traditional explosive rounds for clearing out bunkers, and typically the Mecha carries a number of both munitions.

 

Power: 4

Defense: 3

Speed: 3

Accuracy: 3

Mobility: 4

 

 

 

[fenrir]

By posting this, I am stating that I have read the rules and plot of the- f*** it, you know who I am and you know I've read this stuff.

 

[spoiler=Corinne Jericho (Rarity)]

Name: Corinne Jericho

Age: 26

Gender: Female

Ethnicity: ¾ Australian ¼ Japanese

Place of Birth: City of Blue Mountains, Australia, Pacific Rim

 

Appearance: The first thing you notice about Corinne is her perfect tan. The second thing you notice is her well-toned body, with an extremely athletic looking pair of legs and arms. To compliment her tan, she makes sure to keep her long brunette hair as voluminous as possible; sadly, it’s very rare that she’ll succeed, leaving her with partially combed, messy hair that drops to about her lower back. The next feature most commonly noticed is her rather well endow- err… Striking green eyes!

Clothing: For casual clothing, Corinne typically sticks to jean shorts and a black tank top. She wears dark leather boots, which if you inquire about, will net you a story about how she personally hunted a crocodile to obtain the leather for them. Ask about her aquamarine necklace adorned with shark teeth, and she’ll go on about how you have to aim for the shark’s eye. To compliment the tank top, she wears a dark brown jacket with odd black trimming, featuring white breaks where the buttons are. Whatever you do, just don’t ask her about it. You really don’t want her trying to reenact fighting a Tasmanian Devil with her fists.

 

For work she just wears her wetsuit, which apparently is a great substitute for Pilot Suits. It’s a white, with light blue rectangular markings around her arms, and a bright yellow ‘collar’ around her neck. Just don’t ask about the hastily-sewn-over scratch marks on her backside.

 

Personality: Corinne is what you would call, a klutz. Ditzy and naive, she doesn’t seem to understand that she is quite attractive, nor does she seem to grasp the concept of death all too well. It could just be that she hides her true self under an airy girl that happens to be good with most forms of weaponry. Did she ever tell you the time she shot a Bengal Tiger straight down the center of its forehead, WHILE it was attempting to bite off her arm? WHILE using a sling shot? No? Well let me tell you, it was pretty WILD.

 

…She also likes to make puns.

 

While she appears to be carefree and a little bit stupid, she can handle herself extremely well in adrenaline pumping situations. People have said that she turns from naive to serious, and all it takes is to get her blood pumping. Her brutal efficiency in combat has scared her team mates before, and at times they even have to step in when she takes it a little too far. Not unlike other Pilots, she is an obvious adrenaline junky, which thankfully fits her Exframe perfectly.

History: Corinne’s childhood was interesting, to say the least. Her father was a high class Australian military officer, and he wanted his daughter to be hard as nails. Her mother was also in the military, but she had died in an early series of Exframe testing. To this day Corinne still doesn’t remember the funeral. Her father raised her to be tough, and he didn’t take no for an answer. While other kids were trying to pass Algebra, she was trying to make sure she doesn’t get mauled by lions. She was taken out to several ‘high class’ hunting outings, and did things like extreme fishing, vertical mountain climbing, wing-suiting, extreme ice-fishing (don’t ask.), and narwhal hunting. Her exposure to such events left her courageous, tough, and honestly a little crazy.

 

At the age of twenty, she had ignored any possible chance for College (or well, the few that would even accept her.) to joined the EGP, or, the Exframe Grand Prix. The EGP is one of the world’s most recent sporting trends; participants race in their custom Exframes in teams of three, their goal is to reach the finish line first. Each course has its own specific rules, but violence is typically allowed. Corinne was pretty successful in the EGP, being apart of Team SeaHawks. That is also where she obtained her Exframe mech, with of course, some convincing done on her father’s part. At one point in her career, they were forced to race in Antarctica for the championship. Corinne took it a little too seriously, and in the final lap she threw off the enemy lead so badly that he crashed into the Artic Ocean.

 

His Exframe quickly sunk.

 

Right after their win, a huge flood of attention was drawn to Corinne and her accidental killing. She would have had to face court if it wasn’t for her father, who once again, pulled some strings. With her racing career in ruins, she decided to follow in her late mother’s footsteps; pilot a combat Exframe, or at least die trying.

Reason for Joining: Besides the fact her father was a rather influential military commander, she also wanted to use her previous Exframe experience in a different manner.

Additional: Daddy's girl.[spoiler=Exframe]Name: Sea-Gull

Type: Long Range but perfectly capable of performing an air scout.

Description: The Sea-Gull is a converted R.Exframe, or a Racing Exframe. Due to this, it has several key dimensional and engineering differences. The first, most obvious difference is that it’s much sleeker than other Exframes. It is naturally aerodynamic, built for extreme speeds. The other noticeable differences are the feet; they appear to be small turbines. If you gave them a closer inspection, you would be able to find two hidden skate attachments. The cockpit of the Sea-Gull could be found in the chest, not the head. This was so that the pilot was in a stable location when launching on the EGPX tracks. It had a white color scheme, with light blue accents, and a bright yellow coat on the head of the Exframe. After joining Flood however, her Exframe got an upgrade.

 

It now possesses two large, semi-curved wings stretching from its back. In the center of each wing are two drums. Normally these wings are folded back to give the Exframe some form of being aerodynamic. Another new addition is the rather large sniper rifle attached to the right arm of the Exframe. It has a wind adjustment system, built in scope, cooling system, and recoil management system. Surprisingly, it has no way to keep itself still; it relies completely on the Exframe itself to be still. Besides that, four ‘rivets’ can be found along the sides of the mech.

Arsenal: The sniper as mentioned before, known as the Dae-Gul. The rivets on the Exframe house forge blades, they are smaller than normal, and resemble wakizashis. Considering the Exframe’s specialty however, they are hardly used. The only reason the manufacturers even included them was out of request from Corinne, who insisted that she should have a method of defending herself in melee range. The signature feature of the Exframe is the C.E.P.S. or Complete Exframe Positioning System. The C.E.P.S. is housed in the two drums included in the Exframe’s wings. They are basically a self propulsion system, allowing the Exframe to perfectly position itself in unpredictable weather conditions, such as oh, a hurricane in the middle of the ocean. This system allows the Sea-Gull to effectively be able to snipe anywhere. Corinne’s specific model allows her to create a shrouding mist, which conflicts with the common Exframe radar system.

 

Power: 4

Defense: 1

Speed: 5

Accuracy: 5

Mobility: 2

 

 

 

Finally done.

[Sweetie Belle]

Catalina He

Her character as a whole is fine. However, her Exframe and her obtaining of it contradicts how they are going to be obtained (through a Japanese ally) so I'm therefore going to have to DENY it in its current state. If you'd like to keep Catalina, please change the history of how she obtained it and its prototype status.

Fix'd. Good, or no?

[bury the year]

Catalina He

Some executive orders are due. Since Shikura is building or at least remodeling the Exframes, they won’t leave glitched technologies in there, especially ones they haven’t certified. Therefore, I’m going to have to ask you to remove the different operation system, the Speed Run (as it’s too much compared to other Exframes), the Sonic Camera (as it should be presumed that any and all visual filters come standard) and the EM Scream (as it’s basically going to end the battle if used), and to remove mention of glitches in the other items. (Maybe replace that with generic difficulty in aiming?)

 

As for the other things, I don’t get the purpose of the gun on the end of the sword: is it just there because there’s no extra room? You can mount it in other places, y’know.

 

John Blackmoore

Minor point, but flight suit color?

 

I don’t understand the point of his “insanity:” it sounds too much like a split personality, and those are very difficult to effectively do. Therefore, I’m a bit iffy at accepting him unless you rearrange that to make it less blatant.

 

Steven Robert Yumikawa

His personality is contradictory, in that you don’t act like that without alienating at least some people. Make sure to mention the difficulties that can/will come up with being assholish like that.

 

Straight A’s doesn’t make much sense if he previously didn’t demonstrate any outstanding intelligence.

 

You still have mention of the antimatter cannon in the Exframe’s description.

 

Set a limit on how long the EMP’s effect lasts, as it does with other weapons.

[Sweetie Belle]

Catalina He

Some executive orders are due. Since Shikura is building or at least remodeling the Exframes, they won’t leave glitched technologies in there, especially ones they haven’t certified. Therefore, I’m going to have to ask you to remove the different operation system, the Speed Run (as it’s too much compared to other Exframes), the Sonic Camera (as it should be presumed that any and all visual filters come standard) and the EM Scream (as it’s basically going to end the battle if used), and to remove mention of glitches in the other items. (Maybe replace that with generic difficulty in aiming?)

 

Done.

 

As for the other things, I don’t get the purpose of the gun on the end of the sword: is it just there because there’s no extra room? You can mount it in other places, y’know.

 

The gun's there because if it was mounted on, say, the shoulder, it would limit mobility. The purpose of combining the blade and gun is to save space, not because there's no space.

Also, I added the Intake Vent to the list, since I mentioned it in the Description.

[bury the year]

Catalina He

Never mind about that: I was visualizing it wrong, I guess. ACCEPTED.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

Personality modified in both the original and the quote. I do intend to maintain the flight suit color unless it becomes grounds for my not being accepted. I'd also like to know if I could go back and make some modifications to the appearance and maybe add a flight system in as well.