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Yu-Gi-Oh! CP: Cosmic Path - Chapter 10 [PG-13]

Blake

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Fusion X. Denver Newbie

Fusion X. Denver

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Guessing that's Salem?
Or maybe Salem's someone from the bad guy team.
Or the Orgy.
Hrm...
AHA.
I HAVE DEDUCED SALEM'S IDENTITY.
Salem is a common name for a cat. Thank you Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Regarding YCM and cats, there have been 2 members with SWAT Kats as avis.
Sonic and Cody.
ADMIT IT.
SALEM IS A PART OF THE DUO OF THE SUITE LIFE OF SONIC AND CODY!
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Sploda Newbie

Sploda

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Posted
[quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1309671782' post='5329777']
So my first guess was the right deduction!
Twas elementary, my dear Blackson.
Then...SALEM IS A WITCH.
BURN THE WITCH.
[/quote]

*Blows away with Shotgun*

That was ridiculous.

@Nexev
inorite?
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iCherry Newbie

iCherry

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Posted
Why are the stats inside of the dialogue? ...Never mind, it's your style, I won't question.

The most recent chapters have more description than the earlier ones, so it's good to say you've improved. Also, how on earth is someone going to beat Amelia? Lol. She can Exceed like crazy and Roach puts a halt to every-

...Wait, Dark Hole/Mirror
...Wait, Dark Bribe/Solemn/Starlight Road
DAMN IT
HOW DO YOU EVEN

ohwait, Mack almost otk'd her. had it not been for draining
Then again, Mack is running an awesome deck, so...

Regardless good jobs on the chapters. And Zetsubou Max is the best line I've seen ever.
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Toffee. Newbie

Toffee.

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Latest chapter, I was LOLing all over the place.
Wild Snorlax used homing-slipper. IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!
And apparently Parco became Super Macho Man.

....Kinda' funny how Thoughtruler took precedence over Stardust ;[b][/b])
Still, I always view all cards as plot devices anyway.
BUT STILL, DEATH BY [i]ATATATATATATATATATA!!![/i] IS ALWAYS THE BEST WAY TO GO.
And we [i]all[/i] know this.
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DL  Contributor

DL 

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Posted
Long overdue

But still something you could use


[spoiler=Chapter 8: Symmetrically Eight]

“What would you like to drink?” the waitress asked the young man and woman sitting in a booth near the front of the restaurant.

[b]Daisuke: Shouldn’t it be “Would you like to drink something?”? What if they’re not thirsty? Huh? HUH?[/b]

The place was designed to look like a French Café,

[b]Daisuke: But it instead failed horribly and looked more like a Hawaiian Café.[/b]

until one looked at the inside, which was just a regular restaurant.

[b]Daisuke: So there’s some sort of outer design the French use for their restaurant that is automatically recognizable as French?[/b]

“I’d like a cup of espresso, please.” The blonde man said, “And she would like some water.”

[b]Daisuke: Why is he deciding for her? I mean, obviously they just got there since the waitress is taking their order, so they had virtually no time to discuss what they wanted. So he takes the espresso for himself, and leaves the woman with water just because it‘s cheaper. Chivalry dies where the bill begins.[/b]

The waitress nodded, before running off to place the order. “I expect this of Cerise, but Andrew being late? I wonder what’s up…”

[b]Daisuke: Maybe he just doesn‘t want to eat with you.[/b]

[url=http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/9300000/Colonello-katekyo-hitman-reborn-9326105-411-508.jpg]Isaac[/url] mused aloud to his companion.

[b]Daisuke: Ooh, picture link. Screw actually describing the characters to us.[/b]

“Well, you know Mia often drags him off places, Isaac. Just be patient.” [url=http://i52.tinypic.com/fjojs3.jpg]Amelia[/url] said with a smile.

[b]Daisuke: One more time! No description for the win![/b]

“Besides, I like hanging out with you.”

The two began to chat about everything from school to the waitress had returned with their drinks.

[b]Daisuke: How do you read over that and feel it makes any amount of sense?[/b]

“What would you like to eat?” She asked, a plastered smile on her face.

[b]Daisuke: Wouldn’t this have been useful to ask before, when you took their drink orders and nothing else?[/b]

“We’re waiting on some friends.” The waitress nodded, and walked off once more.

[b]Daisuke: This makes it seem like the waitress answered herself. Which is creepy. Dialogue goes in different paragraph.[/b]

“People should really enjoy their jobs.” The blonde

[b]CRAPPY DESCRIPTION: GET. I seriously find this an improvement.[/b]

mused as he poured some creamer into his coffee.

As he mixed it up, a woman’s voice cut through the crowd. “Little broooother!” Came the cry, and the two at the table turned to see [url=http://www.hellocosplay.com/images/props/vocaloid-2-cosplay-megurine-luka-long-boots-1.jpg]Cerise[/url] running in, virtually dragging

[b]Daisuke: Only virtually, not physically.[/b]
[url=http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b93/tsuna_azai010/anime_guy_2.jpg]Andrew[/url] along with her.

Isaac cut a quick glance at Amelia, rolling his eyes in the process, and causing her to giggle a little.

[b]Daisuke: For some reason I find this awkward. So he turned to Amelia, and as he did so, he rolled his eyes. I mean, it would be much more common to roll his eyes, THEN turn to Amelia. Unless he found something in the timeframe that it took for him to turn his head eye roll-worthy.[/b]

As soon as Isaac returned his gaze to his sister, as she dragged her friend to the table in, and scooted into the booth next to Amelia, while shoving Andrew next to Isaac.

[b]Daisuke: The “As soon as” thought was never completed. So this is an incomplete sentence. And it was going so well too. And by well I mean I expected something like this.[/b]

“So, did you order for me?” Cerise asked, not even bothering to say hello.

[b]Daisuke: Cherice is mean. Sadly, I’ve already read this chapter, and further ones. You won’t get to liking Cherice’s character anymore than this, because that’s about as much depth she gets.[/b]

“No. Why would I order for you? I haven’t even ordered for myself.” Isaac retorted, prompting an angry reaction from the pink haired girl.

[b]Daisuke: It be very angry. No seriously, there was absolutely no point in that. We could tell she’s angry by the very next line.[/b]

“I’ve told you time and again to go ahead and order if I am late!”

[b]Daisuke: And I bet you yell at him if he orders what you didn’t want, amirite? This is strange, because it seems Cherice’s mood can be crushed simply because her brother didn’t order for her, and instead showed an OOC moment in which he was a gentleman and waited for the lady.[/b]

((OST 3 Start))

[b]Daisuke: IT STARTS NOW. EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO. This isn’t anime. Don‘t bring this garbage here. Having an OST list is silly, but fine. Having this is very silly, and stupid.[/b]

Without missing a beat, the two began to bicker, almost in a sort of tempo. Insults of height, grades, and skill were exchanged,

[b]Daisuke: Albeit we never really hear any of those insults. Besides, a normal sibling bickering involves just NO Uing the other, usually, they don’t insult each other’s weak spots. This shows that the characters really are mad at each other, and Cherice is a b*tch cause she’s making fun of her little brother because he didn’t order for her.[/b]

causing the other two members of the group to feel awkward about the situation.

[b]Daisuke: They b awkward k. They b awkward cause I said so.[/b]

“So, uh, Amelia”, Andrew began, “How has school been lately? You’re a senior now, right?”

The girl nodded slowly, watching the fight.

[b]Daisuke: She’s mesmerized by it even if there is an OST for it meaning it happens very often, and thus she should instead be sick of it.[/b]

Breaking her eyes away, the blue haired girl turned to Andrew. “Yup. Just started about three weeks ago. IT doesn’t seem that bad.

[b]Daisuke: You mean the College “IT”? Yeah, it really doesn’t. MIT, however, is another business altogether.[/b]

You think it’s time to stop them, again?” She noted, looking back to the twins.

“I believe so.” Andrew agreed, pushing his glasses up. “Guys, why not just duel like you usually do?” He asked the siblings.

[b][color=blue]Guess what? It’s Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar Time!

Alright, so first, there are three types of ways you can word a paragraph that includes sentence AND speech. You can do “narration - speech”, “speech - narration”, and “speech - short narration to identify speaker - speech”. The above, kids, is something called “speech - narration - speech - narration”. It’s bad. Really bad. It means you suck. More than a person with no pajamas that I can steal- I mean, borrow. Don’t do it. Thank you for joining us on Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar time![/color]

[color=teal]…Squirt?[/color][/b]

“What, so I can win, AGAIN? Sure, why not?” Cerise asked with a sly grin. Isaac looked away, muttering something about a fluke. “Sure, why not? Haven’t ordered yet, so no reason not to. Just need to pay my tab.”

[b]Daisuke: Don’t make me start “Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar Time” again…separate people speaking equals separate paragraphs. But obviously that thought process escapes the profound mind of the writer, whose characters are just brimming with all kinds of fascinating corners to explore.[/b]

-------

“So, [i]little brother[/i], ready to go?” Cerise asked, disk raised outside.

[b]Daisuke: It’s so convenient how they somehow have disks on them. I mean, they came here to eat, not duel. In fact, they should be hungry. Why are they dueling? I wouldn’t duel if I were hungry.”[/b]

“I told you, you’re a minute older. BIG time gap.” Isaac groaned. “Whatever, let’s just start. Ladies first.” He sarcastically demanded.

[b][color=blue]GASP. He did it again Captain Blorbalot! This might be a more serious case than I thought! Quick, use Pepper Breath![/color]

[color=teal]…Squirtle, squirt…[/color][/b]

((OST 4 Start))

“Alright then,” Cerise called, as they both drew their hands, Cerise drawing a sixth card.

Taking a quick look over his hand, Isaac took account of the cards he had drawn.

[b]Daisuke: Looking at the definition of taking account of something, he considered something to have a particular quality. Not exactly what you were going for, right?[/b]

[i]”Alright…”[/i], he thought [i]”I got Rose Maiden and Archfiend Guide. This sets me up nicely.”[/i]

His thoughts were interrupted

[b]Daisuke: Correction, his single thought, that he just had.[/b]

when his twin called out “I activate the spell card, Dark World Dealings! We both draw and discard 1 card!”

When they discarded, a small, purple bat-like fiend came flying out of Cerise’s grave, pulling a chain. As he pulled, a small blue elephant squeezed out with Indian garb on, and stepped on the fiend as he came to a rest on the ground.

[b]Daisuke: I read this over and over, and I still couldn’t figure out why it happened. Even taking into account the elephant’s ability to summon himself from the grave, since he never seems to hit the grave. So I’ll just move on.[/b]

“I discarded my The Fabled Ganashia, allowing me to Special Summon him from my Graveyard! He also gains 200 ATK because he was Special Summoned like that!”

[b]Daisuke: Too late, the game read your mind and already made the move for you.[/b]

The beast trumpeted as his ATK increased to 1800. “Next, I activate the effect of my Fabled Grimro in my hand! By sendind her to the Graveyard, I can add 1 Faled monster from my deck to my hand!

[b]Daisuke: If you can’t figure out what Fals about his sentence, then you Fal.[/b]

I choose The Fabled Chawa!”

[b]Daisuke: NONSENSE. It said Faled, not Fabled! Cherice is a jerky jerk-wad who breaks the rules.[/b]

As Grimro descended into the grave, her hand held up Chawa, which then flew to Cerise’s hand. “Then, I activate Chawa! I discard m Fabled Krus,

[b]Daisuke: I’m about to lose m sanity.[/b]

and Special Summon Chawa in DEF!”

[b]Daisuke: “In DEF” is beyond lazy. Just spell out defense. I know the mind that created this may not know how to spell it, but Microsoft will help you, don’t worry. Just don’t spell “Defense” “Faled”, and it should be able to help.[/b]

As the small bat fiend riding Chawa tugged on his reins,

[b]Daisuke: Chawa can be plural. If I am right, then a small bat fiend is riding a bunch of Chawa. And tugged on… “his” reigns? Oh well, he’s Faled worse.[/b]

the chihuahua yipped, and bounced off a card in Cerise’s hand, sending it to the grave. Moments later, sounds of crying were heard, as Grimro was revived. “When I discard Krus, she Special Summons 1 Level 4 or lower Fabled from my grave! So I revived Grimro! Now, I set 1 card, and I activate another Dark World Dealings.”

Once again, the two duelists drew one and discarded one card. This time, yipping came from Cerise’s grave. “Now, since I discarded The Fabled Cerburrel, he revives himself!”

[b]Daisuke: How many Faldes yip, anyway? Next the elephant one is gonna yip…[/b]

With a start, the three-headed red dog came flying out of the grave, carrying his “Keeper” with him.

[b]Daisuke: I can’t picture this “Keeper” at all. And please tell me the quotation marks don’t imply the “Keeper” is meant to be perverted. And for the LOVE OF GOD please tell me it’s not supposed to be a Harry Potter reference.[/b]

“I set one card. Next, I am tuning my Chawa with my Grimro (1+4)!

[b]Daisuke: (1+4)! = (one plus four) factorial. Basically he’s saying their combined levels equal out to 120. Sorry, math is getting to me. But seriously, that doesn’t need to be there at all! You could just say “I’m tuning my level one Chewbacca and level four Grimmjow.” Yes, Isaac, we can count. Amazing as it seems.[/b]

Synchro Summon! T.G. Hyper Librarian!”

A white and black-clad magician appeared from the tuning ring made by Chawa, and began to flip through a book it held. “Then, I tune my Cerburrel to my Ganashia (2+3)!”

[b]Daisuke: Once again, you can say the levels of Cerberus and Geisha after or before their names, you don’t have to stuff math in there. But I suppose it’s nice of him to find us so intelligent as to be able to solve 2+3 on our own without the answer.[/b]

A four pronged fissure appeared, and devoured Ganshia’s body as 3 stars went into the two rings made by the cerberus. A low chuckle filled the area as two small bat fiends appeared with grins around the rings. “A laugh from hell makes its way to heaven! Mocking the lost sky, the fallen angel grants his own weak power! Synchro Summon! Fly once more, Fabled Ragin!”

[b]Daisuke: You see, it’s funny because people in the restaurant around him probably want to tell him “Dear god, shut UP! we’re trying to EAT!”[/b]

A yellow fiend, with black bat wings and red eyes, rose from the ground, a grin on his face. As he stood erect, he spread his wings wide. Both flashed a bright yellow, and under them appeared 2 cards. “When I Synchro Summon Ragin, I can draw cards until I have 2 cards in my hand! But, that’s not all!” Cerise called, as the spellcaster read his book, and produced a card from its pages.

[b]Daisuke: I had to read the next line to figure out Cherice Sue was talking about Librarian, and not Ragin.[/b]

“When I Synchro Summon, Librarian allows me to draw 1 more card!” Cerise drew 3 cards, set one more, and ended.

“Did you take long enough?” Isaac called to his sister, shaking his head.

[b]Daisuke: Shaking your head’s not really a natural gesture to make when you’re saying “Did you take long enough?” to someone. But that’s just my opinion.[/b]

“Fableds… She had to choose the deck with ridiculously long turns. Anyways, my turn! Draw!” Isaac looked at the card, before quickly activating it.

[b]Daisuke: By the way, that paragraph Isaac said was separate from the other one. That shouldn’t happen. Do you even read literature? No books do that, and you’re not clever by doing it.[/b]

“I activate Synchro Monument! Now, you cannot activate cards in response to the summon of a Tuner or the Synchro Summon of a Synchro Monster!”

[b]Daisuke: A bit of a nitpick, but what else but SYNCHRO monsters would be SYNCHRO summoned? Geminis?[/b]

Cerise yawned, taunting her ‘little’ brother, but he just shrugged it off.

[b]Daisuke: Wait, why is ‘little’ in apostrophes? Is she implying he is big, AKA fat? That’s mean, Cherice. I dislike you more now.[/b]

“Next, I summon my Rose Maiden (Lv. 3)! Now, when she is Normal Summoned, I can Special Summon 1 Archfiend Guide from my hand or grave! As a woman with blue hair, resembling Black Rose Dragon appeared, a human version of Red Dragon Archfiend appeared on the field.

[b]Daisuke: Shame we’re not told what Black Rose Dragon and Red Archfiend Dragon look like, because as things are the reference to the creature is useless if we don’t know what they look like.

Isaac: I least the monsters GET some description. I don’t even know my own hair color.

Daisuke: Hey, Isaac. Guess what? Go back to ordering coffee for you and water for girls.[/b]

“Now, because I control Rose Maiden, Archfiend Guide can gain 1 level, making it level 5! Now, I tune both of my monsters together (3+5)!”

[b]Daisuke: This goes beyond thinking we’re stupid. This is thinking we’re at the level of a kindergartener. He states the levels, adds one to Archfiend, then STILL finds the need to do the sum for us. We’re not retarded. Stop writing like we are.[/b]

The girl grabbed the fiend’s hand, and led him into the sky. She became 3 green rings, and the Guide became 5 stars down the middle of the rings. “Behold, my very soul! The flames and darkness show the twisted power and the will within! The sinner is revealed! Through the trials of this life, I'll try once more! The monster is no longer in the dark, Red Dragon Archfiend!”

[b]Daisuke: I bet the other customers will try to find a REAL French restaurant next time, or one that doesn‘t allow dueling.[/b]

The beast appeared in flames, roaring, spreading its wings, and baring its fangs. “Since my Guide was used as material for RDA, I draw 1 card!” Drawing his card, Isaac set 2 cards.

[b]Daisuke: As this is read, Isaac was able to draw a card and set two cards at the same time. That is pretty beast.

Isaac: Believe it!

Daisuke: Shut up Isaac.

[color=pink]Don‘t tell him to shut up, he‘s my ‘little‘ brother.[/color]

Daisuke: …Said like that, it can almost be perverted…[/b]

“Alright, RDA, Absolute Powerforce!” The demon dragon roared as its right claw was set ablaze. It flung its claw

[b]Daisuke: It has a detachable claw? Holy f*ck yes, that is godly.[/b]

at T.G. Hyper Librarian, but was stopped by a large gust of wind, causing his card to fly off the field.

[b]Daisuke: May I state that on the field, a face-up monster is a monster, not a card. On the duel disk, however, it is a card. But they don’t fly off the disk.[/b]

“I activated my trap,” began Cerise. “Phoenix Wing Wind Blast. I can discard 1 card, then return 1 monster on the field to the top of its owner’s deck. Now, since I discarded it, my Fabled Lurrie is Special Summoned in DEF.”

Isaac cringed at losing his dragon. “I end…” He groaned.

“Alright, my turn! Well, first off, I activate the Spell Giant Trunade! Return all your cards to your hand please, seeing as you have no monsters.” The girl taunted her brother.

[b]Daisuke: You consider that taunting? That’s horrible taunting.

[color=pink]Shut up and return all your cards to your hand, please~[/color][/b]

Once his field was clear, and her set cards were in hand, she continued. “Next, I activate The Fabled Nozoochee.

[b]Daisuke: Instead of activating his effect, which most people do.[/b]

I discard another Cerburrel to Special Summon Nozoochee. Then, Cerburrel revives once more.”

Cerise set 2 cards, and announced. “I’m tuning my Lurrie and Nozoochee with my Cerburrel! Synchro Summon! Fabled Ragin!”

[b]It’s nice that she doesn’t do card game chants in public restaurants.[/b]

A second yellow fiend appeared on the other side of the Librarian, granting Cerise 3 more cards. “Alright, little bro, this is it! I activate another Nozoochee, and discard another Ganashia.”

The Serpent ad Elephant rose, with e Elephant trumpeting his 200 extra ATK.

[b]Daisuke: E ELEPHANT.[/b]

“Alright, Ragin, attack!”

The blow landed, reducing Isaac’s life to 6700, and it was swiftly followed up by Nozoochee and Ganashia’s assaults, reducing him to 3600. “Now, Ragin #2 attacks, and then Librarian!”

Without being able to counter, Isaac’s life hit zero.

[b]Daisuke: I wish Isaac had a life, and I wish he meant the MEMBER Zero. I would like Isaac so much more.[/b]

“Good game, [i]little brother[/i]! came Cerise’s call, to which Isaac muttered the same.

[b]Daisuke: he muttered to her “good game, [I]little brother[/I]?” I smell a trap.[/b]

“Now, you’re buying my lunch!” the female duelist exclaimed, to which Isaac protested, knowing it was futile.

Andrew laughed at is dejected friend, while Amelia tried to cheer him p from yet another loss to his sister. The 4 walked back into the restaurant, and sat, down- Isaac’s treat.

[b]Daisuke: This author clearly believes in his endless wisdom that telling us this is better than showing us this. He’s wrong. And he also found the inspiration necessary to think up that 4 was a better way to express the number than four. In that way, however, he is also wrong.[/b]

-------

((OST 5 Begin))

[b]Daisuke: God dammit, where’s Louie with the sound box?![/b]

As the sun set, the group had gone their separate way. Isaac had offered to walk Amelia home, but she insisted she would be fine, and, before he could protest, Cerise was dragging him off, and telling the other two goodbye. “Thanks for lunch.”

She said with a smile, giving her twin a big hug. She would always treat him like a little brother when they were away from others, and not just taunt him with it. “It’s nothing.” Isaac shrugged it off, grinning. “Besides, I let you win.”

[b]Daisuke: The amount of tell here is horrendously horrible. I cannot fathom why Zetsubou Black thought this was a good idea, or good writing, or even moderately acceptable writing. This is bad. It hurts my eyes to read. We’re just being given a bunch of exposition that deprives the characters of any sort of depth they would gain from the author actually showing us these scenes. But does the author care? No, he does not.[/b]

Cerise broke out laughing, and punched him in e shoulder,

[b]Daisuke: E SHOULDER BELONGS TO E ELEPHANT ONLY.[/b]

which he began to rub soon after. “You’re pulling my leg, kid. The day u

[b]Daisuke: …

…..

………

Never in all my…………FOR THE LOVE OF CRAB HELMET, WHY IS INTERNET SPEAK BEING USED IN A FIC?!?!?!?111!?!?!?[/b]

beat me is the day pigs fly! Now, whoever’s home last has to pay for dinner!” She called back, having already started to sprint away

“Wh-what?! NO! You guys spent all my money at lunch!” Came Isaac’s cry, begging his sister to lay off.

The siblings raced home as the sun finished setting over a hill near the twin’s home, as Cerise ran inside, giggling, and Isaac followed soon after. [i]Another day, another hole in my pocket, another good time.[/i]

[b]Daisuke: Another…oh screw it. Time for final thoughts.

Okay. Put simply, this was bad. I shall name the one good thing about it. The duels actually didn’t put me to sleep. Maybe it was the actual decent descriptions, maybe it was my rage at my intelligence being questioned beyond doubt. Now for the bad. The tell in this fic is such that I cannot find words sophisticated enough to describe it without saying “WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU TELL SO MUCH INSTEAD OF SHOW?”. The characters themselves are painful to hear talk, think, or anything. They plain suck. Especially a certain someone.

[color=pink]Hiya everyone~[/color]

Daisuke…yes. Anyway, moving on, the lack of proofreading is blatantly obvious, and the writing style itself is a novice work at best. There’s no tension, and certainly the One-Turn Kill duel didn’t add anything positive to that.[/b]
[/spoiler]
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Fusion X. Denver Newbie

Fusion X. Denver

Posted
Posted
[quote name='=DL=' timestamp='1310074054' post='5336193']
Long overdue

But still something you could use


[spoiler=Chapter 8: Symmetrically Eight]

“What would you like to drink?” the waitress asked the young man and woman sitting in a booth near the front of the restaurant.

[b]Daisuke: Shouldn’t it be “Would you like to drink something?”? What if they’re not thirsty? Huh? HUH?[/b]

The place was designed to look like a French Café,

[b]Daisuke: But it instead failed horribly and looked more like a Hawaiian Café.[/b]

until one looked at the inside, which was just a regular restaurant.

[b]Daisuke: So there’s some sort of outer design the French use for their restaurant that is automatically recognizable as French?[/b]

“I’d like a cup of espresso, please.” The blonde man said, “And she would like some water.”

[b]Daisuke: Why is he deciding for her? I mean, obviously they just got there since the waitress is taking their order, so they had virtually no time to discuss what they wanted. So he takes the espresso for himself, and leaves the woman with water just because it‘s cheaper. Chivalry dies where the bill begins.[/b]

The waitress nodded, before running off to place the order. “I expect this of Cerise, but Andrew being late? I wonder what’s up…”

[b]Daisuke: Maybe he just doesn‘t want to eat with you.[/b]

[url=http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/9300000/Colonello-katekyo-hitman-reborn-9326105-411-508.jpg]Isaac[/url] mused aloud to his companion.

[b]Daisuke: Ooh, picture link. Screw actually describing the characters to us.[/b]

“Well, you know Mia often drags him off places, Isaac. Just be patient.” [url=http://i52.tinypic.com/fjojs3.jpg]Amelia[/url] said with a smile.

[b]Daisuke: One more time! No description for the win![/b]

“Besides, I like hanging out with you.”

The two began to chat about everything from school to the waitress had returned with their drinks.

[b]Daisuke: How do you read over that and feel it makes any amount of sense?[/b]

“What would you like to eat?” She asked, a plastered smile on her face.

[b]Daisuke: Wouldn’t this have been useful to ask before, when you took their drink orders and nothing else?[/b]

“We’re waiting on some friends.” The waitress nodded, and walked off once more.

[b]Daisuke: This makes it seem like the waitress answered herself. Which is creepy. Dialogue goes in different paragraph.[/b]

“People should really enjoy their jobs.” The blonde

[b]CRAPPY DESCRIPTION: GET. I seriously find this an improvement.[/b]

mused as he poured some creamer into his coffee.

As he mixed it up, a woman’s voice cut through the crowd. “Little broooother!” Came the cry, and the two at the table turned to see [url=http://www.hellocosplay.com/images/props/vocaloid-2-cosplay-megurine-luka-long-boots-1.jpg]Cerise[/url] running in, virtually dragging

[b]Daisuke: Only virtually, not physically.[/b]
[url=http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b93/tsuna_azai010/anime_guy_2.jpg]Andrew[/url] along with her.

Isaac cut a quick glance at Amelia, rolling his eyes in the process, and causing her to giggle a little.

[b]Daisuke: For some reason I find this awkward. So he turned to Amelia, and as he did so, he rolled his eyes. I mean, it would be much more common to roll his eyes, THEN turn to Amelia. Unless he found something in the timeframe that it took for him to turn his head eye roll-worthy.[/b]

As soon as Isaac returned his gaze to his sister, as she dragged her friend to the table in, and scooted into the booth next to Amelia, while shoving Andrew next to Isaac.

[b]Daisuke: The “As soon as” thought was never completed. So this is an incomplete sentence. And it was going so well too. And by well I mean I expected something like this.[/b]

“So, did you order for me?” Cerise asked, not even bothering to say hello.

[b]Daisuke: Cherice is mean. Sadly, I’ve already read this chapter, and further ones. You won’t get to liking Cherice’s character anymore than this, because that’s about as much depth she gets.[/b]

“No. Why would I order for you? I haven’t even ordered for myself.” Isaac retorted, prompting an angry reaction from the pink haired girl.

[b]Daisuke: It be very angry. No seriously, there was absolutely no point in that. We could tell she’s angry by the very next line.[/b]

“I’ve told you time and again to go ahead and order if I am late!”

[b]Daisuke: And I bet you yell at him if he orders what you didn’t want, amirite? This is strange, because it seems Cherice’s mood can be crushed simply because her brother didn’t order for her, and instead showed an OOC moment in which he was a gentleman and waited for the lady.[/b]

((OST 3 Start))

[b]Daisuke: IT STARTS NOW. EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO. This isn’t anime. Don‘t bring this garbage here. Having an OST list is silly, but fine. Having this is very silly, and stupid.[/b]

Without missing a beat, the two began to bicker, almost in a sort of tempo. Insults of height, grades, and skill were exchanged,

[b]Daisuke: Albeit we never really hear any of those insults. Besides, a normal sibling bickering involves just NO Uing the other, usually, they don’t insult each other’s weak spots. This shows that the characters really are mad at each other, and Cherice is a b*tch cause she’s making fun of her little brother because he didn’t order for her.[/b]

causing the other two members of the group to feel awkward about the situation.

[b]Daisuke: They b awkward k. They b awkward cause I said so.[/b]

“So, uh, Amelia”, Andrew began, “How has school been lately? You’re a senior now, right?”

The girl nodded slowly, watching the fight.

[b]Daisuke: She’s mesmerized by it even if there is an OST for it meaning it happens very often, and thus she should instead be sick of it.[/b]

Breaking her eyes away, the blue haired girl turned to Andrew. “Yup. Just started about three weeks ago. IT doesn’t seem that bad.

[b]Daisuke: You mean the College “IT”? Yeah, it really doesn’t. MIT, however, is another business altogether.[/b]

You think it’s time to stop them, again?” She noted, looking back to the twins.

“I believe so.” Andrew agreed, pushing his glasses up. “Guys, why not just duel like you usually do?” He asked the siblings.

[b][color=blue]Guess what? It’s Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar Time!

Alright, so first, there are three types of ways you can word a paragraph that includes sentence AND speech. You can do “narration - speech”, “speech - narration”, and “speech - short narration to identify speaker - speech”. The above, kids, is something called “speech - narration - speech - narration”. It’s bad. Really bad. It means you suck. More than a person with no pajamas that I can steal- I mean, borrow. Don’t do it. Thank you for joining us on Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar time![/color]

[color=teal]…Squirt?[/color][/b]

“What, so I can win, AGAIN? Sure, why not?” Cerise asked with a sly grin. Isaac looked away, muttering something about a fluke. “Sure, why not? Haven’t ordered yet, so no reason not to. Just need to pay my tab.”

[b]Daisuke: Don’t make me start “Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar Time” again…separate people speaking equals separate paragraphs. But obviously that thought process escapes the profound mind of the writer, whose characters are just brimming with all kinds of fascinating corners to explore.[/b]

-------

“So, [i]little brother[/i], ready to go?” Cerise asked, disk raised outside.

[b]Daisuke: It’s so convenient how they somehow have disks on them. I mean, they came here to eat, not duel. In fact, they should be hungry. Why are they dueling? I wouldn’t duel if I were hungry.”[/b]

“I told you, you’re a minute older. BIG time gap.” Isaac groaned. “Whatever, let’s just start. Ladies first.” He sarcastically demanded.

[b][color=blue]GASP. He did it again Captain Blorbalot! This might be a more serious case than I thought! Quick, use Pepper Breath![/color]

[color=teal]…Squirtle, squirt…[/color][/b]

((OST 4 Start))

“Alright then,” Cerise called, as they both drew their hands, Cerise drawing a sixth card.

Taking a quick look over his hand, Isaac took account of the cards he had drawn.

[b]Daisuke: Looking at the definition of taking account of something, he considered something to have a particular quality. Not exactly what you were going for, right?[/b]

[i]”Alright…”[/i], he thought [i]”I got Rose Maiden and Archfiend Guide. This sets me up nicely.”[/i]

His thoughts were interrupted

[b]Daisuke: Correction, his single thought, that he just had.[/b]

when his twin called out “I activate the spell card, Dark World Dealings! We both draw and discard 1 card!”

When they discarded, a small, purple bat-like fiend came flying out of Cerise’s grave, pulling a chain. As he pulled, a small blue elephant squeezed out with Indian garb on, and stepped on the fiend as he came to a rest on the ground.

[b]Daisuke: I read this over and over, and I still couldn’t figure out why it happened. Even taking into account the elephant’s ability to summon himself from the grave, since he never seems to hit the grave. So I’ll just move on.[/b]

“I discarded my The Fabled Ganashia, allowing me to Special Summon him from my Graveyard! He also gains 200 ATK because he was Special Summoned like that!”

[b]Daisuke: Too late, the game read your mind and already made the move for you.[/b]

The beast trumpeted as his ATK increased to 1800. “Next, I activate the effect of my Fabled Grimro in my hand! By sendind her to the Graveyard, I can add 1 Faled monster from my deck to my hand!

[b]Daisuke: If you can’t figure out what Fals about his sentence, then you Fal.[/b]

I choose The Fabled Chawa!”

[b]Daisuke: NONSENSE. It said Faled, not Fabled! Cherice is a jerky jerk-wad who breaks the rules.[/b]

As Grimro descended into the grave, her hand held up Chawa, which then flew to Cerise’s hand. “Then, I activate Chawa! I discard m Fabled Krus,

[b]Daisuke: I’m about to lose m sanity.[/b]

and Special Summon Chawa in DEF!”

[b]Daisuke: “In DEF” is beyond lazy. Just spell out defense. I know the mind that created this may not know how to spell it, but Microsoft will help you, don’t worry. Just don’t spell “Defense” “Faled”, and it should be able to help.[/b]

As the small bat fiend riding Chawa tugged on his reins,

[b]Daisuke: Chawa can be plural. If I am right, then a small bat fiend is riding a bunch of Chawa. And tugged on… “his” reigns? Oh well, he’s Faled worse.[/b]

the chihuahua yipped, and bounced off a card in Cerise’s hand, sending it to the grave. Moments later, sounds of crying were heard, as Grimro was revived. “When I discard Krus, she Special Summons 1 Level 4 or lower Fabled from my grave! So I revived Grimro! Now, I set 1 card, and I activate another Dark World Dealings.”

Once again, the two duelists drew one and discarded one card. This time, yipping came from Cerise’s grave. “Now, since I discarded The Fabled Cerburrel, he revives himself!”

[b]Daisuke: How many Faldes yip, anyway? Next the elephant one is gonna yip…[/b]

With a start, the three-headed red dog came flying out of the grave, carrying his “Keeper” with him.

[b]Daisuke: I can’t picture this “Keeper” at all. And please tell me the quotation marks don’t imply the “Keeper” is meant to be perverted. And for the LOVE OF GOD please tell me it’s not supposed to be a Harry Potter reference.[/b]

“I set one card. Next, I am tuning my Chawa with my Grimro (1+4)!

[b]Daisuke: (1+4)! = (one plus four) factorial. Basically he’s saying their combined levels equal out to 120. Sorry, math is getting to me. But seriously, that doesn’t need to be there at all! You could just say “I’m tuning my level one Chewbacca and level four Grimmjow.” Yes, Isaac, we can count. Amazing as it seems.[/b]

Synchro Summon! T.G. Hyper Librarian!”

A white and black-clad magician appeared from the tuning ring made by Chawa, and began to flip through a book it held. “Then, I tune my Cerburrel to my Ganashia (2+3)!”

[b]Daisuke: Once again, you can say the levels of Cerberus and Geisha after or before their names, you don’t have to stuff math in there. But I suppose it’s nice of him to find us so intelligent as to be able to solve 2+3 on our own without the answer.[/b]

A four pronged fissure appeared, and devoured Ganshia’s body as 3 stars went into the two rings made by the cerberus. A low chuckle filled the area as two small bat fiends appeared with grins around the rings. “A laugh from hell makes its way to heaven! Mocking the lost sky, the fallen angel grants his own weak power! Synchro Summon! Fly once more, Fabled Ragin!”

[b]Daisuke: You see, it’s funny because people in the restaurant around him probably want to tell him “Dear god, shut UP! we’re trying to EAT!”[/b]

A yellow fiend, with black bat wings and red eyes, rose from the ground, a grin on his face. As he stood erect, he spread his wings wide. Both flashed a bright yellow, and under them appeared 2 cards. “When I Synchro Summon Ragin, I can draw cards until I have 2 cards in my hand! But, that’s not all!” Cerise called, as the spellcaster read his book, and produced a card from its pages.

[b]Daisuke: I had to read the next line to figure out Cherice Sue was talking about Librarian, and not Ragin.[/b]

“When I Synchro Summon, Librarian allows me to draw 1 more card!” Cerise drew 3 cards, set one more, and ended.

“Did you take long enough?” Isaac called to his sister, shaking his head.

[b]Daisuke: Shaking your head’s not really a natural gesture to make when you’re saying “Did you take long enough?” to someone. But that’s just my opinion.[/b]

“Fableds… She had to choose the deck with ridiculously long turns. Anyways, my turn! Draw!” Isaac looked at the card, before quickly activating it.

[b]Daisuke: By the way, that paragraph Isaac said was separate from the other one. That shouldn’t happen. Do you even read literature? No books do that, and you’re not clever by doing it.[/b]

“I activate Synchro Monument! Now, you cannot activate cards in response to the summon of a Tuner or the Synchro Summon of a Synchro Monster!”

[b]Daisuke: A bit of a nitpick, but what else but SYNCHRO monsters would be SYNCHRO summoned? Geminis?[/b]

Cerise yawned, taunting her ‘little’ brother, but he just shrugged it off.

[b]Daisuke: Wait, why is ‘little’ in apostrophes? Is she implying he is big, AKA fat? That’s mean, Cherice. I dislike you more now.[/b]

“Next, I summon my Rose Maiden (Lv. 3)! Now, when she is Normal Summoned, I can Special Summon 1 Archfiend Guide from my hand or grave! As a woman with blue hair, resembling Black Rose Dragon appeared, a human version of Red Dragon Archfiend appeared on the field.

[b]Daisuke: Shame we’re not told what Black Rose Dragon and Red Archfiend Dragon look like, because as things are the reference to the creature is useless if we don’t know what they look like.

Isaac: I least the monsters GET some description. I don’t even know my own hair color.

Daisuke: Hey, Isaac. Guess what? Go back to ordering coffee for you and water for girls.[/b]

“Now, because I control Rose Maiden, Archfiend Guide can gain 1 level, making it level 5! Now, I tune both of my monsters together (3+5)!”

[b]Daisuke: This goes beyond thinking we’re stupid. This is thinking we’re at the level of a kindergartener. He states the levels, adds one to Archfiend, then STILL finds the need to do the sum for us. We’re not retarded. Stop writing like we are.[/b]

The girl grabbed the fiend’s hand, and led him into the sky. She became 3 green rings, and the Guide became 5 stars down the middle of the rings. “Behold, my very soul! The flames and darkness show the twisted power and the will within! The sinner is revealed! Through the trials of this life, I'll try once more! The monster is no longer in the dark, Red Dragon Archfiend!”

[b]Daisuke: I bet the other customers will try to find a REAL French restaurant next time, or one that doesn‘t allow dueling.[/b]

The beast appeared in flames, roaring, spreading its wings, and baring its fangs. “Since my Guide was used as material for RDA, I draw 1 card!” Drawing his card, Isaac set 2 cards.

[b]Daisuke: As this is read, Isaac was able to draw a card and set two cards at the same time. That is pretty beast.

Isaac: Believe it!

Daisuke: Shut up Isaac.

[color=pink]Don‘t tell him to shut up, he‘s my ‘little‘ brother.[/color]

Daisuke: …Said like that, it can almost be perverted…[/b]

“Alright, RDA, Absolute Powerforce!” The demon dragon roared as its right claw was set ablaze. It flung its claw

[b]Daisuke: It has a detachable claw? Holy f*ck yes, that is godly.[/b]

at T.G. Hyper Librarian, but was stopped by a large gust of wind, causing his card to fly off the field.

[b]Daisuke: May I state that on the field, a face-up monster is a monster, not a card. On the duel disk, however, it is a card. But they don’t fly off the disk.[/b]

“I activated my trap,” began Cerise. “Phoenix Wing Wind Blast. I can discard 1 card, then return 1 monster on the field to the top of its owner’s deck. Now, since I discarded it, my Fabled Lurrie is Special Summoned in DEF.”

Isaac cringed at losing his dragon. “I end…” He groaned.

“Alright, my turn! Well, first off, I activate the Spell Giant Trunade! Return all your cards to your hand please, seeing as you have no monsters.” The girl taunted her brother.

[b]Daisuke: You consider that taunting? That’s horrible taunting.

[color=pink]Shut up and return all your cards to your hand, please~[/color][/b]

Once his field was clear, and her set cards were in hand, she continued. “Next, I activate The Fabled Nozoochee.

[b]Daisuke: Instead of activating his effect, which most people do.[/b]

I discard another Cerburrel to Special Summon Nozoochee. Then, Cerburrel revives once more.”

Cerise set 2 cards, and announced. “I’m tuning my Lurrie and Nozoochee with my Cerburrel! Synchro Summon! Fabled Ragin!”

[b]It’s nice that she doesn’t do card game chants in public restaurants.[/b]

A second yellow fiend appeared on the other side of the Librarian, granting Cerise 3 more cards. “Alright, little bro, this is it! I activate another Nozoochee, and discard another Ganashia.”

The Serpent ad Elephant rose, with e Elephant trumpeting his 200 extra ATK.

[b]Daisuke: E ELEPHANT.[/b]

“Alright, Ragin, attack!”

The blow landed, reducing Isaac’s life to 6700, and it was swiftly followed up by Nozoochee and Ganashia’s assaults, reducing him to 3600. “Now, Ragin #2 attacks, and then Librarian!”

Without being able to counter, Isaac’s life hit zero.

[b]Daisuke: I wish Isaac had a life, and I wish he meant the MEMBER Zero. I would like Isaac so much more.[/b]

“Good game, [i]little brother[/i]! came Cerise’s call, to which Isaac muttered the same.

[b]Daisuke: he muttered to her “good game, [I]little brother[/I]?” I smell a trap.[/b]

“Now, you’re buying my lunch!” the female duelist exclaimed, to which Isaac protested, knowing it was futile.

Andrew laughed at is dejected friend, while Amelia tried to cheer him p from yet another loss to his sister. The 4 walked back into the restaurant, and sat, down- Isaac’s treat.

[b]Daisuke: This author clearly believes in his endless wisdom that telling us this is better than showing us this. He’s wrong. And he also found the inspiration necessary to think up that 4 was a better way to express the number than four. In that way, however, he is also wrong.[/b]

-------

((OST 5 Begin))

[b]Daisuke: God dammit, where’s Louie with the sound box?![/b]

As the sun set, the group had gone their separate way. Isaac had offered to walk Amelia home, but she insisted she would be fine, and, before he could protest, Cerise was dragging him off, and telling the other two goodbye. “Thanks for lunch.”

She said with a smile, giving her twin a big hug. She would always treat him like a little brother when they were away from others, and not just taunt him with it. “It’s nothing.” Isaac shrugged it off, grinning. “Besides, I let you win.”

[b]Daisuke: The amount of tell here is horrendously horrible. I cannot fathom why Zetsubou Black thought this was a good idea, or good writing, or even moderately acceptable writing. This is bad. It hurts my eyes to read. We’re just being given a bunch of exposition that deprives the characters of any sort of depth they would gain from the author actually showing us these scenes. But does the author care? No, he does not.[/b]

Cerise broke out laughing, and punched him in e shoulder,

[b]Daisuke: E SHOULDER BELONGS TO E ELEPHANT ONLY.[/b]

which he began to rub soon after. “You’re pulling my leg, kid. The day u

[b]Daisuke: …

…..

………

Never in all my…………FOR THE LOVE OF CRAB HELMET, WHY IS INTERNET SPEAK BEING USED IN A FIC?!?!?!?111!?!?!?[/b]

beat me is the day pigs fly! Now, whoever’s home last has to pay for dinner!” She called back, having already started to sprint away

“Wh-what?! NO! You guys spent all my money at lunch!” Came Isaac’s cry, begging his sister to lay off.

The siblings raced home as the sun finished setting over a hill near the twin’s home, as Cerise ran inside, giggling, and Isaac followed soon after. [i]Another day, another hole in my pocket, another good time.[/i]

[b]Daisuke: Another…oh screw it. Time for final thoughts.

Okay. Put simply, this was bad. I shall name the one good thing about it. The duels actually didn’t put me to sleep. Maybe it was the actual decent descriptions, maybe it was my rage at my intelligence being questioned beyond doubt. Now for the bad. The tell in this fic is such that I cannot find words sophisticated enough to describe it without saying “WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU TELL SO MUCH INSTEAD OF SHOW?”. The characters themselves are painful to hear talk, think, or anything. They plain suck. Especially a certain someone.

[color=pink]Hiya everyone~[/color]

Daisuke…yes. Anyway, moving on, the lack of proofreading is blatantly obvious, and the writing style itself is a novice work at best. There’s no tension, and certainly the One-Turn Kill duel didn’t add anything positive to that.[/b]
[/spoiler]
[/quote]

"Shut up and return all your cards to your hand, please~"
Idk why, but that made me lol a lot.
Good Riffview, bro.
Although, there's one thing that I don't get.
You mentioned Black didn't describe RDA at one point and that was a bad thing. Yet he described the other monsters.
Do you remember the point Crab made a lot that sometimes description/exposition was unnecessary if the fic was about a franchise? For example, I think she mentioned in a Mario fic reviewed by the Swiss Assassin, that when he ripped on Chill (its author) for not describing the Parakoopa, she said that wasn't necessary because the targeted fanbase of a Mario fic is Mario fans, and the Mario fans would know what a Parakoopa was.
So when regarding Duel Monsters, does Black need to describe them? I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone here knows what RDA looks like, so we went on fine without description.
But then again, I see a lot of YGO fics give at least one sentence of description whenever a new monster appears. So maybe YGO is the exception to this rule since there are so many monsters.
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iCherry Newbie

iCherry

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Posted

...Am I the only one who hated the Underlined Italics? .-. They just looked kinda ugly to me. Other than that, the whole... buying asspull card was kinda boring to me. Should've asspulled with making Holy Emperor Dragon out of thin air, liek a true pro. Besides those, fun chapter. Fun duel. Enjoyable Spam and Counter Spam. <3

FOR THE RECORD, PONIES [i]ARE[/i] MANLY.

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Sploda Newbie

Sploda

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Posted

Ponies are the manliest of manly objects. With their fighting spirt and manly troting they will rise up and crush their foes. When people speak of their handsome, manly leader they speak of only [s]Kamina[/s] Parco, lead duelist of team Umbrinous!

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Fusion X. Denver Newbie

Fusion X. Denver

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Posted

Thanks for ignoring my question guys >_>
[quote name='Enzax Aito' timestamp='1310569823' post='5351367']
Ponies are the manliest of manly objects. With their fighting spirt and manly troting they will rise up and crush their foes. When people speak of their handsome, manly leader they speak of only [s]Kamina[/s] Parco, lead duelist of team Umbrinous!
[/quote]

Exactly why Parco's my favorite character so far.
I wish he won :(
For flashbacks, I just do italics. When someone expresses a thought in a flashback, I just make it normal text. But that's just me.
No idea where the dreams are going, but it'd be bad if I did know, so that's good.
Duel was good, but I'm honestly hoping Powerforce doesn't have a perfect score against them, that's no fun :T

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