Fusion X. Denver Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Black, now you have an angle on team DEF. No chants. Should make that a gag Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Well there are different reasons El - No way he'll do something so nerdish You -Wouldn't remember any Me - Would not praise Synchros in such a way. But yeah, Team DEF is anti-chants, bish >:3 That totally sounded like something El would say O.o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 @DL: Why reference chapter 1 on chapter 3? You're implying that writers actually have characters say EVERY LITTLE PHRASE a character speaks. They don't. They omit a good deal of small things. Narrating her reply was just fine. Isaac sucks, atm, and Amelia got really lucky, as did Lilina in her first duel. The only "Legitimate" win so far would be Cerise's. Fableds really are like that w/o luck sacking. The duels are one sided for 3 reasons. 1. The first duel was to show the gap between the siblings 2. The entire course of chapter 2 was thrown off track due to circumstances 3. That was a revenge match with a lucky hand. REALLY lucky. Also, if you use Inverz Roach on a deck like Lilina's, it pretty much kills it from the start. It's a deck made to spam RDA. I love how you tell me none of this on MSN, and ust lay it out here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 I want to point out that so far Mack/Dell has NOT been shown to be weak in the slightest. While he did stutter when calling out Lilly's name he may just have a stutter or was going to say something else like Lilly. It's important to note that Lilly has been shown to be pretty much unstoppable in regards to doing whatever she wants to do and yet Mack is not only able to say her real name but she actually listens. Mack has so far been the only person who has authority on the seto kaiba and thus is either a morality chain or actually her boss. Either one is a impressive feat, so if anything Mack is the STRONGEST character shown. I say this because Amelia seems like a boring character, I mean REALLY boring. I can't even remenber what she does because she is that forgettable. I can look it up but still it is not that Amelia won so much that Lilly lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Well here is where the official critique goes. But I do give lots of critique in MSNn (not lots, but some) Also, I reference chapter 1 because I forgot to tell you this in chapter 1. And it's just lazy and sounds bad. I have not read a single book that had character speech being narrated. Something like showing a part of an argument and then saying " they continued to bicker" is good because it shows us part of the bickering. Any more is useless. You only show a tad bit, but that's still fine. But ommiting a reply to a question or remark by narrating it is lazy, and bad writing, and only bad writers do it. EDIT: Nex......you are awesome >:U Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 [quote name='Hayate Ayasaki' timestamp='1304621091' post='5189767'] And it's just lazy and sounds bad. I have not read a single book that had character speech being narrated. [/quote] MSPA uses it quite well when they are talking about the midnight crew however. [img]http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/03558.gif[/img] The dignitary is one of your superiors who makes you nervous. The list of superiors who make you nervous in fact includes all of your superiors. It includes many of your inferiors as well. He tells you to forget the ring. You failed your mission, and you are never going to find it. There is a new mission. You say oh? He says yeah. And let go of the goddamn rabbit. You say ok, but don't actually let go. You say you will be happy to begin the new mission very soon. But first there is this pretty blue tornado ahead you were meaning to investigate. Perhaps other locals it has attracted will know something about the ring? He says for the love of god, will you forget about the tornado and the ring. You don't say anything and look longingly at the tornado again. He says fine, if you really must examine a meaningless and extraordinarily dangerous exhibit of meteorological phenomena, then go ahead. But be ready to embark on the mission not a moment later. You say alright, and wonder what you should do to prepare. He asks if you have a good winter hat. You nearly drop the radio in excitement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Admittedly, they do it very well. Which is admirable. But Black doesn't use it well, that's the problem, which I assume you see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Taking a short hiatus to write a One-shot for DEF. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Oh yeah, Black, did I mention center-aligning the chapters wasn't a great idea? xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Chapter 4 has been posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iCherry Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 PARCO DASH HAS THE GREATEST APPEARANCE EVER Pony Motorcycle is pro too I demand he have more screentime than everyone else except Cerise. also u ripped off the mirror thing misty used from 5D's, admit it D< Kinda random for Lyn to challenge Andrew, but I am looking forward to it, regardless. o: Also, what anime is Lyn's picture from? I feel like I've seen it before. Ferris Wheel shipping is hilarious btw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 [quote name='iCherry' timestamp='1304919576' post='5198172'] PARCO DASH HAS THE GREATEST APPEARANCE EVER Pony Motorcycle is pro too I demand he have more screentime than everyone else except Cerise. also u ripped off the mirror thing misty used from 5D's, admit it D< Kinda random for Lyn to challenge Andrew, but I am looking forward to it, regardless. o: Also, what anime is Lyn's picture from? I feel like I've seen it before. Ferris Wheel shipping is hilarious btw. [/quote] No. Though, he will have a good amoun. I told you, I actually never saw that episode D= It's setting up. It'll come into light. IDK xD Google Eeeh, nice, serene, quiet place makes it easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Parco is fulgore from zatch bell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdT47OMG7q4 He's like the best thing in existence and pretty much invincible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Ice/Nexev as Folgore? WIN. Also, this chapter was pretty enjoyable, although you said 8:45 instead of 8:25 at one point. Andx vs Clair will probably end in all of the mirrors shattering =.= Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toffee. Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Parco can break the 4th wall xD And I had a feeling someone would win a stuffed Krus. Still, that maze has Admiral Ackbar written all over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 No, Parco Dash is not Ice or Nex. Neither of them have been revealed yet. No, Parco Dash is NOT just Folgore, though Folgore is a major influence, such as in looks. I changed the times at one point, so I must have missed that one. The mirrors won't shatter =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 "Arm held his fist in front of his face, and tears poured down his face." When did Armadilloz appear in this fic? I have to say, from what I've seen Parco is actually a lot like Cafenia. But less flamable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 *Dies* Dammit, I knew I was going to do that at one point ;-; Gotta go fix that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 *Dies* Dammit, I knew I was going to do that at one point ;-; Gotta go fix that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Oh, it's Arm. NOW I get it >> Him as Folgore works out too xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 [quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1304980646' post='5199470'] Oh, it's Arm. NOW I get it >> Him as Folgore works out too xD [/quote] Exaclt. Random as hell, but more than epic enough xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andx Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Okay, so one major observation on Chapter 4. You had some pretty good ideas started on trying to develop relations among the characters. However the scenes came off a little abrupt to me. Like they needed to be lengthened a bit. And this is where coming in on another day to look at your work might aid you instead of trying to crank it out in one sitting. Still, pretty good shot at it. Only other thing, like Cherry I find the challenge from Lyn random but should be fun. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toffee. Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 I have a feeling that TC is writing this out like an adventure game, where Parco is the Chapter 1 boss. ...... How nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Bump. Chapter 5 should be up, soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Make that IS posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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