♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 [center][img]http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/1175/76212335.png[/img] [spoiler=Prologue][size="4"][font="Times New Roman"]Despite his repeated distractions the independent spirit, Aster, continued his search of the "item" he continuously had been mumbling about. Aster's spiky red hair caught in the feverish wind. His distracted green eyes looked in and out through the prickly, and greenish-blue hued bush. Aster looked around the quite, still and beautiful hill. It was the dead of night and not even the insects seemed to dare approach this obvious foreigner. He looked around to no avail. Aster looked up at the sky and thought to himself, [i]Wow; such an unbelievable view.[/i] His immediate reaction was to lay down in the soft yet itchy grass, but he knew better without the "item" he would never be allowed back home. He screamed to the point of straining his voice, "WHY ME?" All of a sudden something rustled in the bushes behind him. In his haste to turn around he fell and hit his face on a sturdy log. His previous comment reared its ugly face back into his mind. "Why are you screaming its the middle of the night," said a shrill voice. Rubbing his face Aster looked up. His green eyes widened to the sight of a fox-like creature looking at him. The creature's fur was all white in a thick contrast to the pitch blackness of the night. The creature looked at him in astonishment, "You can see me?" it questioned the red haired youth. Aster didn't answer obviously in shock of what he was seeing. Aster ignored the creature and laid back into the grass covered slopes. "Hey!" the creature called, "I'm talking to you!" Aster continued to ignored the white animal. The creature jumped on his head and Aster fought with the demon for possession of his head, until they fell down the hill that lead to Aster's fairly large home. They hit the brick wall with a large thud and Aster was out cold. [/font][/size][/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 1 - Nobody] “Wake up insolate boy!” commanded a raspy and energetic voice. The brown haired youth that comfortably taken rest upon the lush grass that covered the forest floor had chosen to ignore the raspy voice. His sleeveless red shirt was ruffled but it looked as it had just been taken out the store in a strange way. Black denim jeans and nice sneakers covered his lower torso. His creamy skin glistened in the mild sunlight that faded through the wide canopy of the forest. He assumed the voice’s owner would go away if he continued to ignore it. But much to his dismay it wouldn’t leave and the pestering began anew. “Boy if you don’t wake your ass up,” the voice continued obviously getting furious with the lazy child. The constant badgering of the voice’s owner had no boundary and continued on for a good two minutes before the boy had had enough. “LEAVE ME,” the child started and his voice was cut off rather suddenly. His warm gray eyes were stunned at sight he had stumbled upon. Floating before him was something that couldn’t possibly exist. Wings stretched out in front of it a creature about the size of a small child was isolated in mid air in front of the boy. He couldn’t comprehend that what was actually staring at him with beady golden eyes was actually breathing. The beast had the face of a serpent, and a body slim and athletic as a leopard. Its aura demanded respect despite its small stature. “Hey kid you might want to breath,” the beast said. “Do you not know what I am?” it asked looking quite puzzled. The boy was frozen and looking words he could use to speak with the beast. Its furry body began to descend closer to the ground. It landed on a rock about a foot tall and looked at the boy while tucking in its marvelous feathered wings in closely to its body as it cocked its head to the side to get a better look at the stunned boy. The scenery around him seemed to match perfectly with the boy’s appearance. In spite of the weird circumstances the creature felt compelled to ask, “What’s your name boy?” his voice a little less harsh but the scratchiness of its voice made it quite evident that it was a male. The boy frozen state of shock began to melt and as he searched his mind for a name that he would never find. After a couple of agonizing minutes of searching the vaults of his brain it was quite obvious he wouldn’t find an answer. “I don’t know,” he said rather frightened there was no possible answer. The continuous poking around inside of his head revealed he had no idea who he was or rather if he himself was human. Why was he sleeping in the underbrush of the beautiful forest? Why was there a small dragon talking to him as if it was just another casual conversation? He could understand little things like words and knew things that one should know at his. His age, what was it? He couldn’t figure it out at all was he destined to go on living in confusion? So many questions swirled around in his head that it would make any person want to scream. “You honestly don’t know your own name?” the dragon asked. “How stupid could you get?” he began to laugh a contagious laugh but the nameless boy was in no mood for it. He was an angered and unknown nobody. Was he destined to go on with his life without knowing who he was? The dragon looked at him with sympathy, “Why don’t I name you then kid?” The boy looked at him with annoyance. Why should he have to take a name from a creature that shouldn’t even exist? But he wondered and finally came to the conclusion of it’s better than nothing. “Sure,” he told the creature. “Okay, how about Fred?” it began with a flurry of what the soon to be named boy thought would be common names. “Not that one either?” it started, “How about Bartholomew?” With that addition the creature began attacking with names that one would never be caught dead with. Then finally a name caught his attention rather quickly, “Cipher?” “That’s it,” he said happily “Cipher, I’ll take that one.” He had an excited and pure voice one that was full of life, something he hadn’t noticed in himself beforehand. “Rather odd choice but I guess you can take it,” the dragon said, “By the way my name is Excalibur.” “It’s nice to meet you Cipher,” Excalibur said. “It seems that you think I’m an actual dragon,” the creature said with a joyous expression and a devilish smile. "I think I'll eat you then!" the dragon began to laugh its deep throaty laugh. "Hahaha, I'm just poking fun," it proclaimed. “I am actually what you people call a Disk Sprite,” he said with a casual tone. “Umm,” Cipher began, “What's a Disk Sprite?” “Well,” Excalibur’s reply was hesitated, “I could just show you.” A smile widened across of its face, “Are you duelist?” Cipher racked his brain, he knew what a duelist was but he wasn’t sure if was one or not. He looked around where he was still situated on the ground, a little to the left was a black and purple jacket. He grabbed the jacket and rummaged through looking for a clue until he came across a stack of about forty brown cards and another stack of cards comprised the extra deck. Cipher looked up from the deck he was searching through and said, “I guess so.” “I HAVE FINALLY FOUND YOU!” screamed a harsh and worn out voice that easily cut through the sounds of the rustling bushes as animals dispersed. “EXCALIBUR YOU ARE MINE!” the same voice screamed. Bushes shifted from out of the way to reveal a fairly tall man. His extremely pale skin was covered in grime and soot (from who knows what). He was dirty from his bald head to his gray and unkempt goatee. His clothes seemed something that royalty would wear not some dirty old man that just shows himself off to a teenage boy and a dragon. Following the old man was a fox with sky bluish tint to its fur. The fox was about a little bigger than a normal sized dog and looked like it could overpower Excalibur, but the fox was hesitant as it walked and seemed to be frightened of its surroundings. “Umm,” Cipher said rather uncertain, “Not to be disrespectful but who are you?” The man looked surprised than angry. He proclaimed, “I am Mordy the great Sprite Hunter!” He pointed towards the fox, “And this is my trusty blade Clarent.” The fox began to shy away from Cipher and Excalibur then said, “N...N...Nice to meet you.” “But now down to business,” the creepy old man began, “You will be coming with me Excalibur.” “No way, this is my master,” Excalibur said nudging towards Cipher. “I won’t be going anywhere with you, creep!” Cipher began to speak to himself, [i]It was rather unnecessary to call him a creep[/i]. He tried to remember when he agreed to such an agreement. He looked up at Excalibur who seemed to be frightened. He wondered who this man was; his mind was racing as stood up to defend the small dragon who had just given him an identity. “I take it you are a duelist boy,” said Mordy. Cipher shook his head thinking this man unworthy of his words. “That is mighty low of you,” the creep said arrogantly obviously catching Cipher's attempt at disrespect, “Didn’t anyone ever teach you manners.” Cipher wanted to say I have no clue but he decided not to stir up the old man. “How about we make a wager,” he began as he snapped at Clarent. The light blue beast began to glow brightly until it shot itself at Mordy’s arm and there shone a duel disk with such sleek characteristics Cipher believed it to be a blade connected to his arm, “If you can beat me in a duel I’ll allow you and Excalibur to walk free.” “And what if I lose?” he replied. “Excalibur walks with me,” Mordy replied confidently. Cipher thought for a moment and then looked at Excalibur who looked confident as well and then said, “I trust ya’ kid.” Excalibur began to glow and then wrapped around Cipher’s arm when the shine subsided it showed a sleek black version of the revamped battle city duel disk. It’s black and gold design showed Excalibur’s prestige. Cipher grabbed the deck from his jacket, which was still on the floor and jammed it into the deck holder of the Duel Disk. “Let’s get started,” Cipher smiled, “Shall we?” …TO BE CONTINUED… [/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter Two - Pain is Real] A disturbing aura began to emit from the sinister, aged man. Cipher’s eyes began to radiate with doubt. This feels like a trap, he considered. His belief seemed to be confirmed when a strange crimson haired boy walk out of the underbrush of the forest. “It looks,” his voice was strident yet juvenile and one full of lies and tricks. The boy was short, pale and had a lean build. “You’ve located what I’m looking for Mordy,” the boy said talking to the old man as if he were above him. The boy wore a long, dark cloak with designs of white eyes that resembled the Eye of Horus in style. The cloak’s chin high collar was open just enough to see the red interior. His feet were revealed to be covered in what Cipher thought were bandages. “Yes Master,” said Mordy rather frightened by his master’s rather quick appearance, “But it seems he has already chosen a master.” The boys wide brown eyes tightened as they dug into Mordy’s. “What did you say Mordy,” the man’s master said. The boy obviously seemed to scare Mordy senseless because from the advantages he has in size in weight he should be able to demolish the boy rather easily. Mordy told him what he was about to do and the boy seemed pleased that his subordinate figured this on his own. “Do what needs to be done then,” he said to Mordy with cold eyes. The boy’s vision then changed to Cipher. As soon as those eyes bore into him he quickly understood Mordy’s fear of this child his eyes seemed like those that belonged to a psychopath not some child who seemed around fifteen. “If you fail don’t bother coming back to the city,” he ordered Mordy but still stared at Cipher as what would be the easiest way to rip his limbs off. “Yes master,” he said. A harsh wind blew by in the clearing where Mordy, the boy and Cipher had just been. The wind stung Cipher’s eyes and he winced in pain and began rubbing them. As his vision began to clear he noticed the kid wasn’t there anymore. “As you said earlier boy,” Mordy looked like he had reverted back to the way before his master showed up. “Allow us to begin,” he said activating Clarent. He drew five cards from his deck that had already been placed in its proper area. Cipher knowing the rules to the game he drew his five as well. Mordy seemed anxious to go first so Cipher said, “Get us started old man.” Mordy didn’t seem to take kindly to the name calling; his anger was obviously on a short leash and with his master out of sight the leash might have been release. “I DRAW!” Mordy’s Turn “I summon [url="http://ycm.wikia.com/wiki/The_Crimson_Hunter_Lady"]The Crimson Hunter Lady[/url]!” Mordy seemed excited for some odd reason. Cipher soon found out why, after placing the card Mordy began to drool over the women who appeared from a card behind her. Long white hair had been tied into an abnormally long ponytail. Red samurai robes clad the women in protection but instead of wearing sandals she wore white boots that looked like the belonged more on a stripper than a duel monster. Her devilish black eyes seemed to focus on Cipher and his Life Points while she gripped the white hilt of her katana. “I place this face down and finish my turn,” finished Mordy still admiring over the women in front of him. [Spoiler=The Crimson Hunter Lady stat’s] The Crimson Hunter Lady Warrior/Effect/EARTH Level: 4 ATK/1900 DEF/0 This card cannot be destroyed by battle that involves a monster with equal or more original ATK than this card. (Battle Damage Applied Normally)[/spoiler] Cipher’s Turn “Alright then,” the youth began and was disgusted with perverted old man. “I guess I’ll draw,” Cipher looked over his hand contemplating his move. [I]Crimson Lady can’t be destroyed by battle, [/I] he thought, [I] I guess I’ll just play it safe for now. [/I] “I set two cards face down,” he said placing brown cards in his spell or trap card zone, “And place one monster in face-down defense position to finish.” Mordy’s Turn “I’ll draw and summon the Shadow Queen,” Mordy said with a creepy grin on his face. Much to Cipher’s annoyance another women appeared but this time in clothing that seemed rather revealing and inappropriate for a child’s card game. The clothing was colored purple to match the name and her hair seemed to be made of black silk as did her demonic wings. [Spoiler=Shadow Queen’s Stats] Shadow Queen Spellcaster/Effect/DARK Level 3 ATK/800 DEF/1300 Once per turn, if your opponent attacks a monster you control you can discard 1 card in your hand to negate that attack and switch your opponent’s monster Battle Position. [/spoiler] “I’ll be attacking your face down monster with Crimson Lady,” Mordy began his command, “With Blood-thirsty Slash!” As he commanded the woman placed her hand on her blade and lunged herself at Cipher’s unknown monster. The monster flashed to reveal a weak warrior type monster. It drew its sword to counter the woman’s advance and slashed what he soon found out to be thin air while the warrior lady flipped over the poorly timed slash and cut the head of the short stocky warrior cleanly off. His body shattered afterwards “Now my Shadow Queen will be more than happy to attack you directly,” he said admiring the work of the card makers. “Judgment of the Death God,” Mordy commanded still drooling. The woman clad in revealing, purple, mage robes placed her hand into the air to gather energy for an attack as a sickly blue flame formed in her hand she took aim at Cipher. The blue flame was launched at Cipher as the heat took a piece of his life points as he winced in pain. [I]What the, [/I] he was surprised. He knew duel monster wasn’t supposed to actually cause pain or nobody would do it. He had no clue of what had just happened and didn’t want to continue the duel if a weak monster such as that caused him such pain. “I can see the confusion on your face,” Mordy began, “Normally a duel is just played with holograms but not when they’re played with Psychic Powers.” Cipher knew there was something weird with this old man. “My master was born with the power to cause pain to others and with him still in the area you will feel the pain he felt being shunned by society. [I]This guy is insane, [/I] he thought and rightfully so what kind of maniac would take enjoyment because he was ignored as a kid, hell Cipher didn’t even remember his life as a kid. “But with that last attack I’ll be ending my turn,” Mordy finished obviously already have said too much about his master’s past. Life Point Tracker Cipher – 4000-800=3200 Mordy 4000 Cipher’s Turn “Draw,” he shaking off the pain, “I normal summon the [url="http://ycm.wikia.com/wiki/Bashful_Thief"]Bashful Thief[/url].” A little child appeared on the field and his eyes began to glow, “I’ll be paying 600 life points to take control of your Shadow Queen.” The hands of the kid also began to glow the same green color as his eyes. Then Shadow Queen’s eyes began to glow the same sickly green color and jumped into the air and landed on Cipher’s side of the field. [Spoiler=Bashful Thief’s Stats] Bashful Thief Spellcaster/Effect/DARK Level 2 ATK/800 DEF/1300 When this card is Normal Summoned, you can pay 600 Life Points select 1 face-up card your opponent controls, and take control of that monster until your next End Phase. If you use either of those cards as Reaction Material Monsters your opponent cannot target your Reactor Monster with a card effect during the turn it is Summoned. [/spoiler] “Now with a little bit of Shadow Queen I’ll mix her with my catalyst monster to begin the Reaction,” said as the Bashful Thief melted into a puddle of light. The puddle seemed to move with a mind of its own and began to wrap itself around Shadow Queen. The mixture took the form of another creature and began to harden. Then an explosion followed and as the smoke cleared it revealed a new Warrior monster with snow white hair. He wore a black mask to cover his face and white armor with red garments covering his lower torso. AS the puddle formed Cipher began to chant, [i]Rise from your own ashes and smack down the red devil with your burning fists of justice. Chemical Reaction, GO! Soar through darkness, Reaction Summon, [url="http://ycm.wikia.com/wiki/Defiant_Seraphim_Dupre"]Defiant Seraphim Dupre[/url]. [/i] [Spoiler=Defiant Seraphim Dupre’s Stats] Defiant Seraphim Dupre Warrior/Reactor/Effect/EARTH Product 6 ATK/2100 DEF/1500 1 Catalyst x 1 or more non-Catalyst monster(s) When this card is Reaction Summoned, you can negate the effect of 1 face-up card on the field, regardless if your opponent isn’t using its effect. This card’s Reaction Summon cannot be negated. Once per turn, you can Tribute 1 "Defiant Knight" monster to increase this card’s ATK by 600, until your End Phase. [/spoiler] “My monster can negate one face up card’s effects for the remainder of the turn,” he said pointing at the Crimson Lady. “Now attack her Dupre,” Cipher commanded, “Shining Justice.” Dupre began to glow brighter and brighter until he lunged himself at the Crimson Hunter Lady. The lady put her blade up as to protect herself but didn’t even inflict damage to the angel’s path. As her sword flew from her hands, Dupre drew the great black broadsword on his back and slashed through the woman shattering her as the battle scene ended. “And with that my turn is done,” Cipher said smirking. Life Points Cipher – 3200 Mordy – 4000 – (2100-1900) = 3800 “I’ll draw,” the calmness Mordy exhibited was rather odd to Cipher. “I activate the Spell Card Newton’s Third Law,” he stated while placing a brown card into his Spell and Trap Card Zone. “Do you know the laws of motion child?” Mordy asked. He thought for a second and remembered what the man was talking about trying to think what the card did; then it hit him harder than a ton of bricks. “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?” he said questioning himself as if to find a correct answer. “It seems you’re not a complete idiot,” the old pervert chided his opponent. “As you just stated, every action has an equal and opposite reaction,” the man was obviously hinting something but Cipher had no clue what he was talking about. “Can you just keep your turn rollin’ old man?” Cipher smiled as soon as he said it, Mordy soon didn’t hesitate for the remainder of his turn. “With this card all I have to do is pay 1000 Life Points the turn after my opponent reaction summons a monster,” He continued his turn, “I can special summon from my own extra deck, by sending the appropriate materials to the graveyard of course.” He took two cards flashed them the Cipher to prove his actions, “Now I will Reaction Summon my own monster!” Quick to the conclusion, the beautiful dark maiden of the sky takes flight! Evil knows no bounds and she soars through the hope dashing and diminishing! The Chemical Reaction Begins! Reaction Summon, Winged Queen of Ruined Souls! A sickly orange puddle appeared on the field and began to move with a mind of its own and began to wrap itself around an unknown monster. The mixture took the form of another creature and began to harden. An explosion followed and as the smoke cleared it revealed a new woman wearing clothes to revealing for duel monsters. Her bore black armored wings and the armor that covered her body made her look like a sleek hawk. Her hands were covered by gloves that had such sharp claws the illusion of half woman half hawk persona very believable. [Spoiler=Winged Queen of Ruined Souls’ Stats] Winged Queen of Ruined Souls Winged-Beast/Reactor/Effect/DARK Product 9 ATK/2800 DEF/2100 When this card is Reaction Summoned all face-up cards on the field are removed from play, until the End Phase. Both players take damage equal to the number of removed from play by this effect x500. Once per turn, if this card attacks a monster your opponent controls it’s destroyed without conducting Damage Calculation. This card can attack again if your opponent controls another monster. [/spoiler] Life Point Tracker Cipher – 3200 Mordy – 3800-1000=2800 “Now the end comes for you, Cipher,” the old man smiled that creepy perverted smile. [color="#696969"][b]....To Be Continued....[/b][/color][/spoiler] [/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Hm. I think you've got a good writing style and the story is fairly interesting. The ending of this prologue(?) is a bit abrupt, and the notes at the bottom should be explained in the story either in the prologue or later on in your story. But you don't need to explain who's the main character and who isn't. Lastly, I'd gladly help you out with a name, but there's not enough story for me to think of something. XD Overall, I rate this an 8.5/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King of Nothing Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Edit: I did that thing with the quote and stuff [spoiler=Yu-Gi-Oh! Demanding Identity] [i] Despite his repeated distractions the independent spirit, Aster, continued his search of the "item" he continuously had been mumbling about.[/i] One of seven I’d imagine. Wait, where is he? Let’s pretend he’s on a nude beach. I don’t know why, I just feel like that’s a place yugioh players typically don’t go to.. [i]Aster's spiky red hair caught in the feverish wind. His distracted green eyes looked in and out through the prickly, and greenish-blue hued bush.[/i] Description, sweet! Now we know that he has spiky red hair and that naked lady on the beach needs to shave! [i]Aster looked around the quite, still and beautiful hill.[/i] Since we’re on a nude beach, I can only assume that the beautiful hill he’s looking at is… …oh that’s just naaaasty. [i]It was the dead of night and not even the insects seemed to dare approach this obvious foreigner.[/i] Insects: “We don’t take kindly to foreigners round these here parts I tell ya what!” Wait…are there any cockroaches on this nude beach? [i] He looked around to no avail.[/i] It’s over there! Right there! Look, look! It’s on the quite still and beautiful hill! [i]Aster looked up at the sky and thought to himself, Wow; such an unbelievable view. [/i] He hath spotted another wench! [i]His immediate reaction was to lay down in the soft yet itchy grass,[/i] Grass on a nude beach? What’ll they think of- Wait are you implying that he wants to lay down on… [i]but he knew better without the "item"[/i] A razor [i]he would never be allowed back home.[/i] Mama wants her boy shaved [i]He screamed to the point of straining his voice,[/i] “WILSOOOOOON!” Nah, just kidding. This is his first dialogue. It’s not going to be cliché or anything- [i]"WHY ME?"[/i] … [i]All of a sudden something rustled in the bushes behind him.[/i] Since this is a beach, I’m assuming that there must be some crabs in that bush. [i]In his haste to turn around he fell and hit his face on a sturdy log. His previous comment reared its ugly face back into his mind.[/i] A crab used substitution jutsu. [i]"Why are you screaming its the middle of the night," said a shrill voice.[/i] Oh like that shrill voice has never screamed in the middle of the night. [i]Rubbing his face Aster looked up.[/i] Ok, since none of my comments have been constructive so far, use a comma to separate multiple actions. [i]His green eyes widened to the sight of a fox-like creature looking at him.[/i] Oh so Naruto used the substitution jutsu. [i]The creature's fur was all white[/i] As is natural of fox-like creatures located in a bush found on the beach…on that note, if you see a white creature in a “bush” - nevermind [i]in a thick contrast to the pitch blackness of the night. The creature looked at him in astonishment, "You can see me?"[/i] Obviously the previous question was a rhetorical one. [i]it questioned the red haired youth. Aster didn't answer obviously in shock of what he was seeing.[/i] As mentioned earlier, it’s strange to see a white fox on the beach. [i]Aster ignored the creature and laid back into the grass covered slopes. "Hey!" the creature called, "I'm talking to you!" Aster continued to ignored the white animal. [/i] He’s quick to dismiss a mythical creature. I’d stare at it for at least five seconds. Plot prediction – the creature knows where the thing Aster’s looking for is. [i]The creature jumped on his head and Aster fought with the demon for possession of his head,[/i] He was…possessed? So, this is the magical white fox that hides in bushes? Do the insects know of this? [i]until they fell down the hill that lead to Aster's fairly large home.[/i] That he’s not allowed in? [i]They hit the brick wall with a large thud and Aster was out cold.[/i] It’s a good story, but it’s a bit on the short end. If I were to give any constructive comments, I would say to make sure your characters are slightly realistic. Even if someone finds a normal fox, they probably won’t dismiss it. Also, it seemed like Aster was quick to dismiss the “thing”. On a final note, cliffhangers are a good way to end a chapter, but this is the prologue. It’s usually a good idea to allow the prologue to introduce a story; however, this prologue seemed to be the actual beginning of a story. If I’m confusing you (because I have a horrible time articulating my ideas) I apologize. I’ll use an example. Let’s look at Dragon Ball Z. In the case of DBZ, the original Dragon Ball is the prologue. Episode 1 of dragon ball z is NOT the prologue, and this felt more like a chapter 1 than a prologue. I’d talk a little bit about Aster (leaving mystery is fine but we don’t even know how this guy came to have a large house, what he’s doing, why he isn’t allowed without this “thing” of his, etc…) I did enjoy reading it, though, and I meant no offense in my above comments. I give it an 8, but it’d easily be a 9 with more detail. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 [quote name='L'illusionniste' timestamp='1304303299' post='5183219'] Hm. I think you've got a good writing style and the story is fairly interesting. The ending of this prologue(?) is a bit abrupt, and the notes at the bottom should be explained in the story either in the prologue or later on in your story. But you don't need to explain who's the main character and who isn't. Lastly, I'd gladly help you out with a name, but there's not enough story for me to think of something. XD Overall, I rate this an 8.5/10. [/quote] why thank you very much and I guess you're right on those last couple comments [quote name='Ghostmyth' timestamp='1304304870' post='5183279'] Edit: I did that thing with the quote and stuff [spoiler=Yu-Gi-Oh! Demanding Identity] [i] Despite his repeated distractions the independent spirit, Aster, continued his search of the "item" he continuously had been mumbling about.[/i] One of seven I’d imagine. Wait, where is he? Let’s pretend he’s on a nude beach. I don’t know why, I just feel like that’s a place yugioh players typically don’t go to.. [i]Aster's spiky red hair caught in the feverish wind. His distracted green eyes looked in and out through the prickly, and greenish-blue hued bush.[/i] Description, sweet! Now we know that he has spiky red hair and that naked lady on the beach needs to shave! [i]Aster looked around the quite, still and beautiful hill.[/i] Since we’re on a nude beach, I can only assume that the beautiful hill he’s looking at is… …oh that’s just naaaasty. [i]It was the dead of night and not even the insects seemed to dare approach this obvious foreigner.[/i] Insects: “We don’t take kindly to foreigners round these here parts I tell ya what!” Wait…are there any cockroaches on this nude beach? [i] He looked around to no avail.[/i] It’s over there! Right there! Look, look! It’s on the quite still and beautiful hill! [i]Aster looked up at the sky and thought to himself, Wow; such an unbelievable view. [/i] He hath spotted another wench! [i]His immediate reaction was to lay down in the soft yet itchy grass,[/i] Grass on a nude beach? What’ll they think of- Wait are you implying that he wants to lay down on… [i]but he knew better without the "item"[/i] A razor [i]he would never be allowed back home.[/i] Mama wants her boy shaved [i]He screamed to the point of straining his voice,[/i] “WILSOOOOOON!” Nah, just kidding. This is his first dialogue. It’s not going to be cliché or anything- [i]"WHY ME?"[/i] … [i]All of a sudden something rustled in the bushes behind him.[/i] Since this is a beach, I’m assuming that there must be some crabs in that bush. [i]In his haste to turn around he fell and hit his face on a sturdy log. His previous comment reared its ugly face back into his mind.[/i] A crab used substitution jutsu. [i]"Why are you screaming its the middle of the night," said a shrill voice.[/i] Oh like that shrill voice has never screamed in the middle of the night. [i]Rubbing his face Aster looked up.[/i] Ok, since none of my comments have been constructive so far, use a comma to separate multiple actions. [i]His green eyes widened to the sight of a fox-like creature looking at him.[/i] Oh so Naruto used the substitution jutsu. [i]The creature's fur was all white[/i] As is natural of fox-like creatures located in a bush found on the beach…on that note, if you see a white creature in a “bush” - nevermind [i]in a thick contrast to the pitch blackness of the night. The creature looked at him in astonishment, "You can see me?"[/i] Obviously the previous question was a rhetorical one. [i]it questioned the red haired youth. Aster didn't answer obviously in shock of what he was seeing.[/i] As mentioned earlier, it’s strange to see a white fox on the beach. [i]Aster ignored the creature and laid back into the grass covered slopes. "Hey!" the creature called, "I'm talking to you!" Aster continued to ignored the white animal. [/i] He’s quick to dismiss a mythical creature. I’d stare at it for at least five seconds. Plot prediction – the creature knows where the thing Aster’s looking for is. [i]The creature jumped on his head and Aster fought with the demon for possession of his head,[/i] He was…possessed? So, this is the magical white fox that hides in bushes? Do the insects know of this? [i]until they fell down the hill that lead to Aster's fairly large home.[/i] That he’s not allowed in? [i]They hit the brick wall with a large thud and Aster was out cold.[/i] It’s a good story, but it’s a bit on the short end. If I were to give any constructive comments, I would say to make sure your characters are slightly realistic. Even if someone finds a normal fox, they probably won’t dismiss it. Also, it seemed like Aster was quick to dismiss the “thing”. On a final note, cliffhangers are a good way to end a chapter, but this is the prologue. It’s usually a good idea to allow the prologue to introduce a story; however, this prologue seemed to be the actual beginning of a story. If I’m confusing you (because I have a horrible time articulating my ideas) I apologize. I’ll use an example. Let’s look at Dragon Ball Z. In the case of DBZ, the original Dragon Ball is the prologue. Episode 1 of dragon ball z is NOT the prologue, and this felt more like a chapter 1 than a prologue. I’d talk a little bit about Aster (leaving mystery is fine but we don’t even know how this guy came to have a large house, what he’s doing, why he isn’t allowed without this “thing” of his, etc…) I did enjoy reading it, though, and I meant no offense in my above comments. I give it an 8, but it’d easily be a 9 with more detail. [/spoiler] [/quote] Hahaha I love when people do things like that. And thank you for doing that for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 May I receive a bump bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 You're probably not going to get many people commenting on this since you only have a prologue... Once you get a few episodes up AND people start to really like this, then you'll get some comments and stuff. Trust me, it's really hard to get people to read your fics on here unless you're popular or have a good story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Hey everyone chapter 1 has been posted and what not just thought I should let everyone know. Also there isn't a duel in this chapter but I'll be adding one for chapter two. Adding a duel would make this way too long and such. And for those who read the prologue might remember Aster well him and Cipher have nothing to do with each other, yet. Also it doesn't explain what a disk sprite but I find it pretty obvious by the way I described what they are able to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 I would enjoy some feed back or constructive criticism at least Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted May 23, 2011 Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 Please only bump once every 24 hours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 Okay my bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King of Nothing Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 I just got your message. I'll go ahead and put up the reading when I do it later today (prolly now) =P EDIT: [spoiler=Chapter 1 Reading] “Wake up insolate boy!” [b] “I made insolate breakfast for this insolate day! Enjoy your F***ing insolate French toast!”[/b] commanded a raspy and energetic voice. [b] He’s a smoker…but he’s an energetic one[/b] The brown haired youth that comfortably taken rest upon the lush grass that covered the forest floor had chosen to ignore the raspy voice. [b]But…but he’s going to get raped if he ignores a raspy voice[/b] His sleeveless red shirt was ruffled [b]It had ridges (seewatididthar)[/b] but it looked as it had just been taken out the store in a strange way. [b]out OF the store…I mean sheesh, the nerve of some people[/b] Black denim jeans and nice sneakers covered his lower torso. [b]He’s got shoes on his legs and jeans on his feet. That boy’s got mad fever I tell ya, MAD fever![/b] His creamy skin glistened in the mild sunlight that faded through the wide canopy of the forest. [b]It sparkles in the sun! He must be a vampire![/b] He assumed the voice’s owner would go away if he continued to ignore it. [b]If only[/b] But much to his dismay it wouldn’t leave and the pestering began anew. “Boy if you don’t wake your ass up,” [b]”I said boy, boy I said, wake your ass I said wake your ass up!” – [i]Foghorn Leghorn[/i][/b] the voice continued obviously getting furious with the lazy child. The constant badgering [b]botha botha botha[/b] of the voice’s owner had no boundary and continued on for a good two minutes before the boy had had enough. “LEAVE ME,” [b]YOU SHALL NOT ASK![/b] the child started and his voice was cut off rather suddenly. His warm gray [b]The warmest of summer colors[/b] eyes were stunned at sight he had stumbled upon. Floating before him was something that couldn’t possibly exist. [b]A mature member of the YCM community[/b] Wings stretched out in front of it [b]A mature member of the YCM community[/b] a creature about the size of a small child [b]A mature member of the YCM community[/b] was isolated in mid air in front of the boy. He couldn’t comprehend that what was actually staring at him with beady golden eyes [b]A mature member of the YCM community[/b] was actually breathing. [b]THE BASTARD! BURN IT WITH FIRE![/b] The beast had the face of a serpent, [b]Cold hearted snake[/b] and a body slim and athletic. [b]I guess it’s not a member of the YCM community[/b] as a leopard Its aura demanded respect despite its small stature. [b]Wait, there’s still hope! Maybe it’s a member of the *shot*[/b] “Hey kid you might want to breath,” the beast said. “Do you not know what I am?” [b]I’m Chuck mother F---ING NORRIS[/b] it asked looking quite puzzled. [b]Objection! False character evidence! Chuck Norris cannot look or be puzzled![/b] The boy was frozen and looking words [b]I wonder where they are?[/b] he could use to speak with the beast. [b]If it’s YCM, make countless troll topics. That’ll get its attention.[/b] Its furry body began to descend closer to the ground. [b]Cue Star Wars music[/b] It landed on a rock about a foot tall and looked at the boy while tucking in its marvelous [b]Marvelous! Absolutely Flawless![/b] feathered wings in closely to its body as it cocked its head to the side to get a better look at the stunned boy. [b]Why so serio- *shot again* DAMMIT! *kills the sniper* Now then, why so serious?[/b] The scenery around him seemed to match perfectly with the boy’s appearance. [b]Maybe go into detail about this. All we know is that there’s a patch of grass and a random rock[/b] In spite of the weird circumstances the creature felt compelled to ask, “What’s your name boy?” [b]”Boy, boy I said boy, what’s your name boy?” [i]– Foghorn Leghorn[/b] his voice a little less harsh but the scratchiness of its voice made it quite evident that it was a male. [b]I knew it was a male as soon as you said a little less harsh X__X[/b] The boy frozen state of shock [b]Maybe rephrase this. Seems like the frozen bit doesn’t match up with the rest of the sentence[/b] began to melt and as he searched his mind for a name that he would never find. [b]Get rid of and[/b] After a couple of agonizing minutes of searching the vaults of his brain it was quite obvious he wouldn’t find an answer. [b]Obviously. It was a name that he would never find. Not even if he asked. Owait[/b] “I don’t know,” he said rather frightened there was no possible answer. The continuous poking around inside of his head revealed he had no idea who he was or rather if he himself was human. [b]Actually, he does know who he is. I’ll go into detail soon[/b] Why was he sleeping in the underbrush of the beautiful forest? Why was there a small dragon talking to him as if it was just another casual conversation? He could understand little things like words and knew things that one should know at his. His age, what was it? He couldn’t figure it out at all was he destined to go on living in confusion? So many questions swirled around in his head that it would make any person want to scream. [b]Ok, here we go. See, the child is actually in a dream within a dream. *Inception music* right now his state of consciousness is fighting with his mind, trying to kill himself even though no real harm will happen. He’s just dreaming but, unlike nightmares, dying in this dream will get him stuck into limbo. He doesn’t respawn. On that note, did you know that microsoft word doesn’t count “respawn” as a word? It’s quite funny, actually. Anyways, back to the explanation, he’s in a dream within a dream. So, in order to find his way out, he has to discover that he’s dreaming. Since his mind wants to kill him, which will also trap his mind in limbo, it refuses to let him find the information.[/b] “You honestly don’t know your own name?” the dragon asked. [b]God you’re stupid, kid. Well, I’ll call you boy.[/b] “How stupid could you get?” [b] [/b] he began to laugh a contagious laugh but the nameless boy was in no mood for it. He was an angered and unknown nobody. Was he destined to go on with his life without knowing who he was? The dragon looked at him with sympathy, “Why don’t I name you then kid?” [b]I honestly didn’t read ahead when I made that prediction…It better not ALL come true or I’ll sue![/b] The boy looked at him with annoyance. Why should he have to take a name from a creature that shouldn’t even exist? [b]It’s a dream creature![/b] But he wondered and finally came to the conclusion of it’s better than nothing. [b]I remember when I got to that point of my life[/b] “Sure,” he told the creature. “Okay, how about Fred?” [b]That’s…definitely not boy.[/b] it began with a flurry of what the soon to be named boy thought would be common names. “Not that one either?” it started, “How about Bartholomew?” [b]Admit it, you had to spell check that name…or at least Google it[/b] With that addition the creature began attacking with names that one would never be caught dead with. Then finally a name caught his attention rather quickly, “Cipher?” [b]Gotta catch ‘em ARE SO TRUE! Our courage will pull us through! You teach me and I teach you-[/b] “That’s it,” he said happily “Cipher, [b]POKEMON! Gotta catch ‘em all~POKEMON![/b] I’ll take that one.” [b] and so it begins[/b] He had an excited and pure voice one that was full of life, [b]Or, you know, death. One or the other[/b] something he hadn’t noticed in himself beforehand. [b]It’s hard to look inward in a dream[/b] “Rather odd choice but I guess you can take it,” [b]”But…but you came up with it Mr. Dragon” “Boy I said Boy, BOY! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you till you die, boy!”[/b] the dragon said, “By the way my name is Excalibur.” [b]Excalidrill, Go![/b] “It’s nice to meet you Cipher,” Excalibur said. “It seems that you think I’m an actual dragon,” [b]You foolish boy, I’m a mole. When a mole enters the dream world, he becomes a dragon. Just like when a main character enters the dream world they forget their name, and when a fireman enters the dream world he gets a ladder.[/b] the creature said with a joyous expression and a devilish smile. "I think I'll eat you then!" [b]The rest of this content has been censored…[/b] the dragon began to CENSORED its deep throaty CENSORED. "Hahaha, I'm just poking [b]O.O[/b] fun," [b]Oh thank god, that one doesn’t need to be censored[/b] it proclaimed. “I am actually what you people call a Disk Sprite,” [b]When I am special summoned, you draw 2…wait, wrong card game[/b] he said with a casual tone. “Umm,” Cipher began, “What's a Disk Sprite?” [b]”Boy I said boy, I’m glad you asked boy. When I am special summoned, you draw 2…wait, wrong card game[/b] “Well,” Excalibur’s reply was hesitated, “I could just show you.” A smile widened across of its face, [b]I’ll censor this as well if it comes down to it![/b] “Are you duelist?” [b]No, I am man hear me roar in numbers to big to ignore and…nobody’s going to get this reference. It was a lost cause.[/b] Cipher racked his brain, he knew what a duelist was [b]But forgot his own name[/b] but he wasn’t sure if was one or not. [b]If who was one or not? Him?[/b] He looked around where he was still situated on the ground, a little to the left was a black and purple jacket. [b]To the right, a black and red jacket. He had to choose wisely. If he chose the purple jacket, all of the disk sprite’s secrets would be known. If he chose the red one, he would wake up from this dream and forget he ever had it.[/b] He grabbed the jacket [b]Which one? Oh, this writer’s a master of suspense![/b] and rummaged through looking for a clue until he came across a stack of about forty brown cards and another stack of cards comprised the extra deck. [b]Thank God there’s an extra deck. I’m guessing he took the purple one.[/b] Cipher looked up from the deck he was searching through and said, “I guess so.” [b]I sure hope nothing happens right now to interrupt this duel-[/b] “I HAVE FINALLY FOUND YOU!” [b]Shut your whore mouth sister, I’m dueling![/b] screamed a harsh and worn out voice [b]It’s his sister. She’s harsh, and definitely worn out[/b] that easily cut through the sounds of the rustling bushes as animals dispersed. [b]That voice killed Bambi’s mom[/b] “EXCALIBUR YOU ARE MINE!” [b]Ha. Hah Hah. Hah! Seriously, I feel like her lips shouldn’t match her words on this line.[/b] the same voice screamed. [b]Wait…she CAN scream? That lying…[/b] Bushes shifted from out of the way to reveal a fairly tall man. [b]That chick was a DUDE?[/b] His extremely pale skin [b]Oh he was a vampire, that explains it.[/b] was covered in grime and soot (from who knows what). [b]A your mom joke fits here[/b] He was dirty from his bald head to his gray and unkempt goatee. [b]Ok we were definitely talking about two different people[/b] His clothes seemed something that royalty would wear not some dirty old man that just shows himself off to a teenage boy and a dragon. [b]Hah. Hah hah. Hah. That was…probably one of the most amazing sentences I have ever read.[/b] Following the old man was a fox with sky bluish tint to its fur. [b]The fox also shows itself off to young boys and dragons[/b] The fox was about a little bigger [b]wat?[/b] than a normal sized dog [b]Oh.[/b] and looked like it could overpower Excalibur, [b]Fox is greater than dragon![/b] but the fox was hesitant as it walked and seemed to be frightened of its surroundings. “Umm,” Cipher said rather uncertain, “Not to be disrespectful but who are you?” [b]I am the man with no name. Zap Brannigan, at your service.[/b] The man looked surprised than angry. He proclaimed, “I am Mordy [b]Morty?[/b] the great Sprite Hunter!” He pointed towards the fox, “And this is my trusty blade Clarent.” [b]Oh so the animals double as weapons[/b] The fox began to shy away from Cipher and Excalibur then said, “N...N...Nice to meet you.” [b]N-n-naruto-kun.[/b] “But now down to business,” the creepy old man began, “You will be coming with me Excalibur.” “No way, this is my master,” [b]I’ve done enough dirty jokes for this review, right? I’ll just let everything run its course[/b] Excalibur said nudging towards Cipher. “I won’t be going anywhere with you, creep!” [b]And I mean EVERYTHING.[/b] Cipher began to speak to himself, It was rather unnecessary to call him a creep. [b]Every[/b] He tried to remember when he agreed to such an agreement. [b]Little[/b] He looked up at Excalibur who seemed to be frightened. [b]Thing[/b] He wondered who this man was; his mind was racing as stood up to defend the small dragon who had just given him an identity. “I take it you are a duelist boy,” [b]I can tell by your jacket, startled look, inability to answer when someone calls at you, and inexplicably bad luck for getting in life threatening situations[/b] said Mordy. Cipher shook his head thinking this man unworthy of his words. “That is mighty low of you,” the creep said arrogantly obviously catching Cipher's attempt at disrespect, “Didn’t anyone ever teach you manners.” [b]Don’t ask me for my name, whore![/b] Cipher wanted to say I have no clue but he decided not to stir up the old man. “How about we make a wager,” [b]Wat?[/b] he began as he snapped at Clarent. The light blue beast [b]WAT?[/b] began to glow brightly until it shot itself [b]WAT?!?!??!?![/b] at Mordy’s arm and there shone a duel disk [b]Oh[/b] with such sleek characteristics Cipher believed it to be a blade connected to his arm, “If you can beat me in a duel I’ll allow you and Excalibur to walk free.” “And what if I lose?” he replied. “Excalibur walks with me,” Mordy replied confidently. [b]Second oh[/b] Cipher thought for a moment and then looked at Excalibur who looked confident as well and then said, “I trust ya’ kid.” [b]He really doesn’t have a choice[/b] Excalibur began to glow [b]Like a fox![/b] and then wrapped around Cipher’s arm when the shine subsided it showed a sleek black version of the revamped battle city duel disk. [b]It’s black so it must be strong! Lolanimelogic[/b] It’s black and gold design showed Excalibur’s prestige. [b]I’m having trouble with that actually. Can Excalibur help me out on black ops?[/b] Cipher grabbed the deck from his jacket, which was still on the floor [b]Oh yeah that’s where it was[/b] and jammed it into the deck holder of the Duel Disk. “Let’s get started,” Cipher smiled, “Shall we?” …TO BE CONTINUED… [b]”I guess…not?” The creep said, not realizing why a To be continued sign followed the phrase “Let’s get started”[/b] [b]I’m not going to do a “review” of this chapter, I don’t have much time. If anything, make sure you read over what you type, because most people type about as fast, maybe faster than they think. You’ve skipped a few “ands” in it, and a couple of other words you might need. Also, make sure you don’t go against your character. I don’t think Cipher would be so eager to duel a man who will [s]rape[/s] steal Excalibur from him.[/b] [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Why thank you ghost I'll posting chapter 2 sometime between today and monday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted June 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 finished chapter two, it's kind of long Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted June 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 nice. i've been gone for awhile from the site, and something with so much potential is here to welcome me back. it makes me happy XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks for explaining what Reaction Summons are. ow8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♠Decietful King♠ Posted August 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2011 Hey everyone I was involved in a car accident and my access to a computer was slim where I was so I'm just telling you this isn't dead and I will pick this back up as soon as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted August 12, 2011 Report Share Posted August 12, 2011 [b]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.[/b] [b]With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.[/b] [b]If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b] One. Two. Four. Four. Two. La. La la. La la la la. La la la la. La la. It won't stop. Even when I'm not reviewing, it won't stop. It's taken too strong a hold. Something slipped through when they opened that portal, and it was enough. It's not going to fall away. And it's driving me just crazy enough that I think reviewing this trash might be a decent idea. This next story was written by ♠Decietful King♠ over two months ago, but was recently bumped with the explanation that it hadn't been updated because they were in a car accident. And since I'm a fan of kicking people while they're down, especially if those people are so bad at writing that they misspell their own name (the word you're looking for is "Dec[b]ei[/b]tful"), let's dive into Yu-Gi-Oh! Demanding Identity. [img]http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/1175/76212335.png[/img] Excuse me; based on this logo, what I actually meant was "Yu-Gi-Oh: [Oversized Illegible Blob]". One, two, four, four, two. [i]Prologue[/i] Note that all the chapters have titles, but the Prologue does not. Apparently, coming up with a title was too much work. [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]Despite his repeated distractions the independent spirit, Aster, continued his search of the "item" he continuously had been mumbling about.[/i][/font][/size] Ugh. This is the painfully awkward prose we have in store for us? I'm sure every commenter in this topic jumped on how clunky the writing is. Cue the very first line of the very first comment: [quote name='L'illusionniste' timestamp='1304303299' post='5183219']Hm. I think you've got a good writing style[/quote] The horror. The horror. One two four four two. [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]Aster's spiky red hair caught in the feverish wind. His distracted green eyes looked in and out through the prickly, and greenish-blue hued bush. [/i][/font][/size][i][size=4][font=Times New Roman]Aster looked around the quite, still and beautiful hill.[/font][/size][/i] I actually feel kind of bad here because most fanfics' problem is that they don't include any description at all, and I don't want to discourage making an effort to describe things. The problem here is that the description is incredibly awkward. The author's favourite part of speech seems to be the adjective, so every single noun comes with at least one adjective, and more than half of them come with a chain of two or three adjectives attached. Good writing doesn't need to stick three adjectives in front of a word to paint a picture (or, in this case, two adjectives and the word "quite" where an adjective would have been if this had been proofread by someone competent). Adjectives are considered one of the weakest parts of speech, second only to adverbs (which are weak for exactly the same reasons), because they're a way of tacking on description that wasn't able to fit into the noun itself. Here's a quick example: "feverish wind". Instead of saying that, just call it a "gale" or something like that. It will conjure a much more vivid image, and it makes the writing flow much better. You're not being paid by the word here; you don't need to pad this out with extra adjectives. The style here is so grating that it really distracts from the content. It took me several reads through these three sentences before I realized that the phrase "in and out" in the second of these sentences really didn't mean anything. Seriously, in the context of the sentence,what exactly is that phrase supposed to depict? I don't know, but considering that my job is to identify pointless phrases like that, the fact that the writing here is so awkward that I didn't even notice it for a long time is rather telling. [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]It was the dead of night and not even the insects seemed to dare approach this obvious foreigner.[/i][/font][/size] See? This here is a good sentence. It flows nicely. It conveys a clear image. It doesn't have an adjective-to-noun ratio of two to one. It uses descriptive nouns like "foreigner" instead of adjective-based constructs like "foreign person". Write more sentences like this one two four four two. [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]He looked around to no avail. Aster looked up at the sky and thought to himself, [b][i]Wow; such an unbelievable view[/i][/b][i].[/i][/i][/font][/size] Out of the last five sentences, four have used the word "looked" as their verb. The only exception is the insects sentence that I praised above, and that only avoided using the word "looked" because, despite being a good standalone sentence, it wasn't put in the right place. Here's the flow of the paragraph: "Aster searches. Aster searches. Aster searches. Insects do not approach Aster. Aster searches." The insects sentence just feels out of place when its subject is completely different from that of all the surrounding sentences - and yet that's the only thing that saves it from using the word "looked" yet again and increasing the bleeding of my eyes. The fact that the word choice and paragraph arrangement is so painful that I need to mention it over Aster's sudden decision to admire the pretty sky in the middle of his frantic search - and the incredibly awkward way in which this admiring is conveyed to the reader - says something about just how distracting it is. [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]His immediate reaction was to lay down in the soft yet itchy grass,[/i][/font][/size] LIE, NOT LAY. LAY IS FOR SETTING DOWN SOMETHING YOUR HOLDING AND REQUIRES AN OBJECT. IT IS A TRANSITIVE VERB, YOU MORON. ...did I really just say the phrase "IT IS A TRANSITIVE VERB, YOU MORON" on camera? [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]but he knew better without the "item" he would never be allowed back home. He screamed to the point of straining his voice, "WHY ME?"[/i][/font][/size] Seriously, does Aster have the most random mood swings in existence? One moment, he's frantically searching for something; the next moment, he's admiring the pretty sky and thinking about lying down; the next moment, he's doing a bathos-filled anguished scream. Not pictured: believable characterization. [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]All of a sudden something rustled in the bushes behind him. In his haste to turn around he fell and hit his face on a sturdy log.[/i][/font][/size] As opposed to all those logs that are so weak that someone tripping and falling on them would shatter the log and leave the person's face unharmed? All right, all right, I'll stop harping on this incredibly awkward overuse of adjectives. You get the idea: the writing style here is painful to read. If I keep interrupting for every stupid construction like this, we'll never get to Chapter 1. ...2. 4. 4. 2. [size=4][font=Times New Roman][i]His previous comment reared its ugly face back into his mind. [/i][/font][/size] [i]"Why are you screaming its the middle of the night," said a shrill voice.[/i] No, I didn't mess up in copying the story; the font size and typeface do indeed suddenly change here. No, I don't know why. [i]Rubbing his face Aster looked up. His green eyes[/i] Okay, I lied, one last comment about adjectives: you've already established that Aster's eyes are green in the last paragraph. There's no need to remind us of that fact every single time you mention his eyes. [i]widened to the sight of a fox-like creature looking at him. The creature's fur was all white in a thick contrast to the pitch blackness of the night. The creature looked at him in astonishment, "You can see me?" it questioned the red haired youth. Aster didn't answer obviously in shock of what he was seeing. Aster ignored the creature and laid back into the grass covered slopes.[/i] Not pictured: believable characterization. [i]"Hey!" the creature called, "I'm talking to you!" Aster continued to ignored the white animal.[/i] [i]The creature jumped on his head and Aster fought with the demon for possession of his head, until they fell down the hill that lead to Aster's fairly large home. They hit the brick wall with a large thud and Aster was out cold.[/i] Aster ignored the talking animal in favour of lying back and stargazing, so the creature... jumped on his head and attacked him? And this... made them roll down the hill, which is now apparently incredibly steep, and which goes right up to the wall of Aster's home... which is now at the bottom of the hill and yet still so far away that returning without the "item" tonight and coming back to search again tomorrow is unacceptable... and Aster is knocked unconscious by this collision with the wall? Not pictured: believable ANYTHING. I would like to stop here, but I have to keep going. It's the melody. It's not just a bad song. It's a sad song. It enjoys the sorrow I feel when I do these reviews. It resonates with this sadness. It feeds on it. As much as I want to stop, this tune compels me to press on. So here we go: [i]Chapter 1 - Nobody[/i] Oh, is this a meta-chapter about the readers? ZING [i]“Wake up insolate boy!” commanded a raspy and energetic voice.[/i] ..."insolate"? That's... not quite a word. Maybe they mean "insolent", but that doesn't make sense, because the boy in question can't have been being insolent if he was asleep. [i]The brown haired youth that comfortably taken rest upon the lush grass that covered the forest floor had chosen to ignore the raspy voice.[/i] it hurts [i]His sleeveless red shirt was ruffled but it looked as it had just been taken out the store in a strange way. Black denim jeans and nice sneakers covered his lower torso. His creamy skin glistened in the mild sunlight that faded through the wide canopy of the forest. He assumed the voice’s owner would go away if he continued to ignore it. But much to his dismay it wouldn’t leave and the pestering began anew. “Boy if you don’t wake your ass up,” the voice continued obviously getting furious with the lazy child.[/i] Yes, the voice was obviously getting furious. In fact, it was so obvious that... you felt the need to say it explicitly. [i]The constant badgering of the voice’s owner had no boundary and continued on for a good two minutes before the boy had had enough.[/i] You'll note that for all of my stylistic complaints, I've barely even touched on the plot, and that's because, to be honest, the plot has barely existed so far. The story has consisted entirely of these painfully awkward descriptions that make me wish I was reading one of those stories that just says "HERO HAS BROWN HAIR K" and lets me just picture the protagonist as the Jaden clone he inevitably is instead of spending a month assaulting my brain. [i]“LEAVE ME,” the child started and his voice was cut off rather suddenly. His warm gray eyes were stunned at sight he had stumbled upon. Floating before him was something that couldn’t possibly exist. Wings stretched out in front of it a creature about the size of a small child was isolated in mid air in front of the boy. He couldn’t comprehend that what was actually staring at him with beady golden eyes was actually breathing. The beast had the face of a serpent, and a body slim and athletic as a leopard. Its aura demanded respect despite its small stature.[/i] Oh, hey, a strange creature that can speak appeared. It's sort of like... that exact same thing that just happened in the prologue. The plot's already getting repetitive before it's even started. [i]“Hey kid you might want to breath,” the beast said.[/i] THE VERB BREATHE HAS AN E AT THE END YOU IDIOT [i]“Do you not know what I am?” it asked looking quite puzzled.[/i] [i]The boy was frozen and looking words he could use to speak with the beast.[/i] DID YOU MEAN LOOKING [b]FOR[/b] WORDS? TRY PROOFREADING YOU STUPID IDIOT [i]Its furry body began to descend closer to the ground.[/i] YES IT WENT CLOSER TO THE GROUND THAT'S WHAT THE WORD DESCEND MEANS HOW HAVE YOU SURVIVED LONG ENOUGH TO LEARN HOW TO USE THE INTERNET WITHOUT DROWNING IN YOUR OWN SALIVA YOU INCOMPETENT MORON [i]It landed on a rock about a foot tall and looked at the boy while tucking in its marvelous feathered wings in closely to its body as it cocked its head to the side to get a better look at the stunned boy. The scenery around him seemed to match perfectly with the boy’s appearance.[/i] Yes, this scenery will not be described, but trust the glowing chimera's sense of aesthetics to assure us that it looked so pretty with the boy that it was worth mentioning. I suppose I should be thankful that we won't need to endure a paragraph about how "The green, large, blanket coverd bed was sitting by the brown oak wood wardrobe next to it that was nearby", but still. [i]In spite of the weird circumstances the creature felt compelled to ask, “What’s your name boy?” his voice a little less harsh but the scratchiness of its voice made it quite evident that it was a male.[/i] Of course, because everyone knows how the the voices of serpent-headed chimerae correspond to their genders, right? [i]The boy frozen state of shock began to melt[/i] Is there anyone in this story who doesn't respond to unexpected events by becoming completely incapable of moving, speaking, or responding to the event in question? How would these people react if they encountered a lion? Crab: Holy God, a lion! Aster: Ooh, pretty stars. Crab: Run, run, run for your life! Aster: I'm going to [s]lay[/s] lie down now. Crab: It's right on top of you now. Aster: Nope, don't believe it. Crab: YOUR LEG IT'S EATING YOUR LEG WHAT A BLOODY MESS DOESN'T THAT HURT!? Aster: Eh, I must have chosen an uncomfortable place to rest. You know, this grass is soft yet itchy. [i]and as he searched his mind for a name that he would never find. After a couple of agonizing minutes of searching the vaults of his brain it was quite obvious he wouldn’t find an answer. “I don’t know,” he said rather frightened there was no possible answer. The continuous poking around inside of his head revealed he had no idea who he was or rather if he himself was human. Why was he sleeping in the underbrush of the beautiful forest? Why was there a small dragon talking to him as if it was just another casual conversation? He could understand little things like words and knew things that one should know at his. His age, what was it? He couldn’t figure it out at all was he destined to go on living in confusion? So many questions swirled around in his head that it would make any person want to scream.[/i] Yes, indeed, this protagonist-with-amnesia cliche does make me want to scream. Giving the protagonist amnesia is a cheap way to avoid giving them any distinguishing traits that could make them an actual interesting character. [i]“You honestly don’t know your own name?” the dragon asked. “How stupid could you get?” he began to laugh a contagious laugh but the nameless boy was in no mood for it.[/i] Er, the laugh obviously isn't very contagious if nobody else is laughing. Well, I suppose some readers might laugh, but they're not laughing for the same reason as the serpent-leopard-bird-man-bear-pig-dragon. [i]He was an angered and unknown nobody. Was he destined to go on with his life without knowing who he was?[/i] Er, you may have retrograde amnesia, but there has been no indication that you have anterograde amnesia - this isn't Memento, mostly because this is awful whereas Memento is one of the best movies ever made. You'll remember everything from this point onward, which should be plenty to give your life an identity. I mean, nobody remembers what happened before they were about three, but they don't angst over not remembering their origins. [i]The dragon looked at him with sympathy, “Why don’t I name you then kid?” The boy looked at him with annoyance. Why should he have to take a name from a creature that shouldn’t even exist? But he wondered and finally came to the conclusion of it’s better than nothing.[/i] [i]“Sure,” he told the creature.[/i] Or he could just make up a name for himself? When Buffy lost her memory, she named herself Joan because she decided she felt like a Joan. This kid knows how to speak and has general knowledge of the world, so surely he can come up with names. Why does he need to rely on the dragon here? [i]“Okay, how about Fred?” it began with a flurry of what the soon to be named boy thought would be common names. “Not that one either?” it started, “How about Bartholomew?” With that addition the creature began attacking with names that one would never be caught dead with.[/i] ...especially since the dragon seems to suck at naming humans in what I assume is meant to be a comedic scene? [i]Then finally a name caught his attention rather quickly, “Cipher?”[/i] [i]“That’s it,” he said happily “Cipher, I’ll take that one.” He had an excited and pure voice one that was full of life, something he hadn’t noticed in himself beforehand.[/i] Cipher. Because the boy and the author agree that, as Linkara would say, poor literacy is KEWL. [i]“Rather odd choice but I guess you can take it,” the dragon said, “By the way my name is Excalibur.”[/i] First of all, you suggested it. Second of all, your name is Excalibur. How exactly are you in a position to criticize the kid's choice? [i]“It’s nice to meet you Cipher,” Excalibur said. “It seems that you think I’m an actual dragon,” the creature said with a joyous expression and a devilish smile.[/i] Why do we need to be told every line that both of these characters are filled with happiness and joy? Why would both of these characters be killed with happiness and joy? [i]"I think I'll eat you then!" the dragon began to laugh its deep throaty laugh. "Hahaha, I'm just poking fun," it proclaimed.[/i] Great, I tell you to use more inherently descriptive nouns and verbs instead of strings of adjectives, and you respond by using entirely wrong ones. Does that last line look like something you'd see described as "proclaimed"? Absolutely not. That's not a proclamation, so don't pretend it is, you illiterate hack. [i]“I am actually what you people call a Disk Sprite,” he said with a casual tone.[/i] [i]“Umm,” Cipher began, “What's a Disk Sprite?”[/i] [i]“Well,” Excalibur’s reply was hesitated,[/i] There's nothing inherently wrong with the word "said". Using nothing but "said" can be dull, but refusing to use "said" and instead insisting on pulling out an awkward randomly-chosen synonym every sentence makes things much, much worse. The piano's picking up. Na na na na. Na na. [i]“I could just show you.” A smile widened across of its face, “Are you duelist?” Cipher racked his brain, he knew what a duelist was but he wasn’t sure if was one or not. He looked around where he was still situated on the ground, a little to the left was a black and purple jacket. He grabbed the jacket and rummaged through looking for a clue until he came across a stack of about forty brown cards and another stack of cards comprised the extra deck.[/i] Mmm, yes, my dear Watson, from this clue I can use my brilliant deductive capabilities to crack this mystery! Elementary! [i]Cipher looked up from the deck he was searching through and said, “I guess so.”[/i] [i]“I HAVE FINALLY FOUND YOU!” screamed a harsh and worn out voice that easily cut through the sounds of the rustling bushes as animals dispersed. “EXCALIBUR YOU ARE MINE!” the same voice screamed.[/i] Hopefully this indicates that something is actually happening. This story has consisted entirely of an amnesiac chatting with a chimera-dragon-data-thing, which you think would be a recipe for getting something interesting done, but so far we've merely wasted time on shenanigans that I'm sure our author thought would be amusing. ONE. TWO. FOUR. FOUR. TWO. [i]Bushes shifted from out of the way to reveal a fairly tall man. His extremely pale skin was covered in grime and soot (from who knows what). He was dirty from his bald head to his gray and unkempt goatee. His clothes seemed something that royalty would wear not some dirty old man that just shows himself off to a teenage boy and a dragon. Following the old man was a fox with sky bluish tint to its fur. The fox was about a little bigger than a normal sized dog and looked like it could overpower Excalibur,[/i] Cipher can tell this because he's an expert in competitive battling between fantasy monsters he never knew existed. [i]but the fox was hesitant as it walked and seemed to be frightened of its surroundings.[/i] [i]“Umm,” Cipher said rather uncertain, “Not to be disrespectful but who are you?”[/i] [i]The man looked surprised than angry. He proclaimed, “I am Mordy the great Sprite Hunter!”[/i] Be careful, Cipher! By merely discarding one card, he can destroy you as long as he rolls a 2, 3, 4, or 5! [i]He pointed towards the fox, “And this is my trusty blade Clarent.”[/i] [i]The fox began to shy away from Cipher and Excalibur then said, “N...N...Nice to meet you.”[/i] [i]“But now down to business,” the creepy old man began, “You will be coming with me Excalibur.”[/i] It's good to see that he's so willing to explain himself to random bystanders for no apparent reason. Also, no matter what you say, he's not creepy. He's loud and violent and obviously evil, but there's nothing creepy about him because he's not at all subtle. He's just a large ham. [i]“No way, this is my master,” Excalibur said nudging towards Cipher. “I won’t be going anywhere with you, creep!” Cipher began to speak to himself, [b]It was rather unnecessary to call him a creep[/b][/i][b].[/b] Yes, the violent shouting man who calls himself a hunter of your kind isn't worth commenting on, but calling that guy a creep? Now, that's just going too far! I swear, every single line of this story just makes things worse. The pain. The agony. The fury. But I must press on. It wants me to. Four. Four. Two. [i]He tried to remember when he agreed to such an agreement. He looked up at Excalibur who seemed to be frightened. He wondered who this man was; his mind was racing as stood up to defend the small dragon who had just given him an identity.[/i] [i]“I take it you are a duelist boy,” said Mordy. Cipher shook his head thinking this man unworthy of his words. “That is mighty low of you,” the creep said arrogantly obviously catching Cipher's attempt at disrespect, “Didn’t anyone ever teach you manners.”[/i] Wow, this is the lamest confrontation I've ever seen. Our hero's brilliant defiance is... answering nonverbally? And the villain's response is to... question his manners because of this? Forget the data sprites and incredibly important card games; the real fantasy element here is that nobody acts like an actual human being. [i]Cipher wanted to say I have no clue but he decided not to stir up the old man. “How about we make a wager,” he began as he snapped at Clarent. The light blue beast began to glow brightly until it shot itself at Mordy’s arm and there shone a duel disk with such sleek characteristics Cipher believed it to be a blade connected to his arm, “If you can beat me in a duel I’ll allow you and Excalibur to walk free.”[/i] Why? I know this sort of thing is standard for the Yu-Gi-Oh! series, but the fact that the alleged creep suggests this as a wager rather than treating it as standard procedure implies that this isn't really standard in this universe. But if it isn't standard, then why not just punch Cipher in the face and take Excalibur? [i]“And what if I lose?” he replied.[/i] [i]“Excalibur walks with me,” Mordy replied confidently.[/i] [i]Cipher thought for a moment and then looked at Excalibur who looked confident as well and then said, “I trust ya’ kid.”[/i] "Don't worry, I have faith in your expertise at using your deck. You know, your deck that you don't remember ever using before. But I trust you because... um... well, we just met today, and you've acted like a moron... actually, can I get someone else to defend me?" [i]Excalibur began to glow and then wrapped around Cipher’s arm when the shine subsided it showed a sleek black version of the revamped battle city duel disk. It’s black and gold design showed Excalibur’s prestige.[/i] HOLY GODS IT'S WITH AN APOSTROPHE MEANS IT IS ITS WITHOUT AN APOSTROPHE IS THE POSSESSIVE FORM OF IT YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL A THREE-LETTER WORD RIGHT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID ONE TWO FOUR FOUR TWO ONE TWO FOUR FOUR TWO ONE TWO FOUR FOUR TWO ONE TWO FOUR FOUR TWO [i]Cipher grabbed the deck from his jacket, which was still on the floor and jammed it into the deck holder of the Duel Disk.[/i] [i]“Let’s get started,” Cipher smiled, “Shall we?”[/i] [i]…TO BE CONTINUED…[/i] NO THIS WON'T BE CONTINUED NOT IN MY BOOK THIS IS AWFUL WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO READ THIS GARBAGE EVERY SINGLE LINE MAKES ME WANT TO GOUGE MY OWN EYES OUT IT HURTS SO MUCH ANTI-LIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE IT FEEDS THE SAD SONG IT FEEDS THE SAD SONG! I didn't want to read that chapter. The melody made me. It wanted me to read it. It enjoyed my pain. Everyone enjoys my pain. Well, I've had enough of it, that song isn't right, it's bad and sad and it doesn't belong here and I won't have it. Mother told me they fixed the portal device and used it again today, opening a passage to the same parallel world they tried to reach when they first tested it. But on the other side of the portal, there was nothing. Not a dull world. Not a dead world. Not space. Just blackness and silence and cold. There was nothing there. There could never have been anything there. But this melody slipped out from that nowhere-place, and it won't go back, and it's been tormenting me and controlling me and I've had enough of it. I'm going to boot it out of this dimension and make sure it could never come here. One. Two. Four. Four. Two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Too lazy to point to the specific chapter, but a minor nitpick: [quote][i]"Well," Excalibur’s reply was [u]hesitated[/u],[/i][/quote] Verb + past tense = adjective does work sometimes. This isn't one of those times. Use "delayed" or another synonym: "hesitated" just sounds awkward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 [quote name='Kyubey' timestamp='1313465139' post='5446537'] Too lazy to point to the specific chapter, but a minor nitpick: Verb + past tense = adjective does work sometimes. This isn't one of those times. Use "delayed" or another synonym: "hesitated" just sounds awkward. [/quote] To be fair, it is common to refer to "giving a hesitated reply" or something of the sort. The problem is that when you re-order the words, you lose that common idiom, so it just comes out sounding awkward. But really, pointing out usage errors in this story is like cataloging the spots of someone with chicken pox: it's easy to find examples, and one doesn't need to list every single example in order to make a diagnosis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xaqairy Posted September 18, 2011 Report Share Posted September 18, 2011 I'm pretty sure it's a "hesitant reply." Work on grammar and plot a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exiro Posted September 30, 2011 Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 [quote name='Crab Helmet' timestamp='1313192952' post='5437498'] Prologue Note that all the chapters have titles, but the Prologue does not. Apparently, coming up with a title was too much work. [/quote] Alright, Crab Helmet, I really disagree with how you bash people over titles of chapters/parts. A prologue doesn't need a title, even all the other parts have one. You add a title when you feel like it could use a description, to make it stronger. Of course, if you title all your chapters, but suddenly switch to just numbering the chapters, it's a rather strange, as if the chapters suddenly aren't worthy of a description anymore. But unlike chapters, 'prologue' already describes the part, and is therefore always sufficient. And you earlier said that it's stupid to call chapters 'episodes', claiming that it makes a fanfic want to be a TV series or something. Well, it's not stupid. The word is roughly just used for a series of events, and that is certainly to be described in a fanfic. What if every update contains multiple chapters? Should the word 'part' be used for each update? That sounds to big. Of course, the chapters inside every update could just be unnamed, simply: I [content here] II [content here] etc., but it's annoying to refer to. You could translate the between numeral systems and make it Chapter 3.6 when referring to them, but it can still get confusing because that same 6 doesn't actually appear (and not converting is stupid, just look: 3.VI), and you can't ctrl + f it. 'Episode' doesn't come with any hassle, I don't think it shouldn't be used just because TV programs use it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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