ALL HAIL KING CROUTON!!! The Greatest Best Autobiography in the History of Literature [PG-13] [Chapter 4]

[Just Crouton]

I am on a quest to write the most ridiculous story in existence.




[spoiler=Prologue]
In 2355 A.D., the king fell ill. Countless battles with the Cannibal Con Carne's Empire took it's toll on his soul. His son, Prince Crouton, took control, drove away enemy forces, and gathered the remains of the kingdom's forces to severely cripple the Cannibal Con Carne's Empire, bringing the One-Week War to an end. Unable to lead the nation in his weakened state, the king appointed Prince Crouton to king. Now, King Crouton must restore his nation...with his limited intelligence of world politics. Hijinks ensue...
[/spoiler]


[spoiler=Characters]

[b]Milky Way King Crouton[/b]
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Appearance: Muscular man with muscle tissue features, mahogany crystal-like mask, shirtless
Background: The successor to the Crouton throne. Despite his combat prowess, he is an inexperienced, incompetent king who disregards the people. He feuds with rival kings Armageddon Tyrant Munchkin and Genocide Emperor Bacon.
Personality: Incompetent, arrogant

[b]Starlight Queen Jellybean[/b]
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Appearance: Glasses with wing-shaped frame, blonde hair, Asian, jellybean-looking earrings, elf ears, glowing eyes
Background: King Crouton's wife. An Asian woman whose appearance was altered by dark magic.
Personality: Intelligent, witty

[b]Waffle the Dark Knight[/b]
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Appearance: Skinless, tank-like lower body, chainsaw right hand
Background: The general of King Crouton's army. Formerly a low-ranked soldier during the senior King Crouton's reign, the new king appoints him to general. He developed a secret lust to kill after murdering his wife and children. His right hand becomes various weapons including a chainsaw, rocket launcher, plasma gun, and light-saber. Waffle loves war and death.
Personality: Warmongering, hateful, racist

[b]Laser Platypus[/b]
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Appearance: Cyborg, platypus, laser-mounted toaster
Background: A gunslinger who promotes religion.
Personality: Religious


[b]Dude Rock Against the World[/b]
Age: ?
Gender: Male
Appearance:
Background:
Personality: A rebel from another galaxy searching for his nemesis THE CLAW!!!!!!!!!!! He talks in 80's slang.

[b]Armageddon Tyrant Munchkin[/b]
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Appearance: Short, fat
Background: A rival king. His empire was trashed by enemy forces during the war last week. He's selfish, and wants to claim credit for defeating the "Big Evil Bad Guy's Empire" that threatened the world last week.
Personality: Whiny, childish

[b]Genocide Emperor Bacon[/b]
Age: 666
Gender: Male
Appearance: Wings, pentagram scared into head
Background: The ruler of Hell after hitting Satan with a steel chair.
Personality:

[b]THE CLAW!!!!!!!!!!![/b]
Age: ?
Gender: Male
Appearance: Cyborg with claw arm
Background: A mad scientist turned killer cyborg. He searches the universe for materials to build a planet-destroying laser cannon.
Personality: Crazy

[b]Cannibal Con Carne[/b]
Age: ?
Gender: Male
Appearance: "WITH HIS SINEWY LOBSTER CLAWS AND BASEBALL GLOVE HEAD!"
Background: An evil God who wants world domination. He was defeated by King Crouton, and now sells dodgy weight-loss plans in late-night infomercials. He shoots green lightning from his eyes and enjoys poetry.
Personality: Arrogant, violent

[/spoiler]


[spoiler=Chapter 1: Beyond the Fourth Wall]

[i]Ruling over the land of <insert fantasy="" kingdom="" name="" here="">, he was the man of legend. His people feared him, his enemies trembled in terror at his feet. The galaxy hailed this man...this King Crouton.[/i]</insert>


The city is devastated. The war last Tuesday cost so much. So many lives lost. This castle, a high-tech stronghold, now impaled by a giant spork. Two people stand in the courtyard of the castle. One, King Crouton, a large man, shirtless with a muscle tissue-like body, teeth exposed and wearing an eyeless, scratched up mask. The other, Queen Jellybean, a woman with butterfly wings, pink hair with a large pink bow, her nipples almost piercing her long, pink dress. Three men enter a courtyard. A strange bunch. There is a blonde man, General Waffle, with laser cannons mounted on his shoulders, another laser blaster mounted on his chest. The other two, one is a man dressed in a platypus costume, the beak on his mask is obviously a laser blaster, Laser Platypus, the other, a brick wall with arms and legs, Chaos Potato.

"Are you serious, Crouton?" Queen Jellybean asked in disbelief.

"Yes, I'm serious." Crouton replied.

"This is a weird way to choose a new general" Dark Knight Waffle stated.

"I must agree" Laser Platypus added.

"Not a very dignified way to get promoted." Chaos Potato criticized.

The three men stared at the 3 white straws in King Crouton's hand.

"Are you three going to stand here and complain all day? Pick a straw." Crouton ordered.

Each men picked a straw. Queen Jellybean places her hand over her face.

"Honestly. This is so stupid." Jellybean murmured.

"DAMN!" Potato shouted.

"CRAP!" Platypus yelled.

"I GOT THE LONG STRAW! YES! YOU ALL SUCK!" Dark Knight Waffle declared.

“Yes. You are now General Waffle” King Crouton declared.

“HELL YEAH!” General Waffle roared.

“Now, blow up that wall” King Crouton ordered, pointing to wall with the number 4 on it.

“What?” Everyone asked in unison.

“Didn’t the previous king forbid breaking that wall?” Chaos Potato asked.

“We can always break you, Mr. Potato Wall” King Crouton suggested.

Potato backed away, knowing that King Crouton was violent enough to murder him.

General Waffle pulls out rocket launchers and aims them at the wall. The rockets roar from the pods, exploding against the steel wall. Debris fly everywhere. The smoke clears. There is now a black void where the wall once stood.

“The fourth wall has been broken” Jellybean continued. “That doesn’t sound right.”

“Shall we?” Crouton asks.

Jellybean takes Crouton’s arm. “Honestly. We shall”

King Crouton and Queen Jellybean enter the void. It is a realm of darkness, stars, and red dust.

“Are we in space?” King Crouton asked.

“Hey, who said that?” King Crouton asked.

“Said what?” Queen Jellybean replied.

“Someone just said ‘King Crouton asked’ after I asked if we were in space” King Crouton said.

“He did it again!” King Crouton exclaimed.

“WHO ARE YOU?” King Crouton yelled.

“I hear the voice too. It’s like he’s narrating everything we said. Like a narrator in a story.” Queen Jellybean said.

“This isn’t a story. This is real!” King Crouton shouted.

“SHOW YOURSELF, YOU BASTARD!” King Crouton roared.

“This must be why the previous king forbade us from breaking the fourth wall” Queen Jellybean lamented. “Let’s get out of here before you kill someone.”

As King Crouton and Queen Jellybean left, it was then that I realized they were talking to me. Later that day, I was called into the office of narrators.

“Generic Narrator Guy. You’ve been a great service for centuries of narrating storybooks, novels, and comic books” My boss told me.

“Thank you, sir” I replied.

“But this…particular kind of story isn’t fitting for a normal, generic narrator.” My boss continued. “We need a new kind of narrator. A kind of narrator who meshes with the absurdity of this story.” My heart began to race. I began sweating. I knew what he was going to say. “Therefore…we’re taking you off this project. You may go home now.”

“But, I’ve narrated every narration-needy story since the beginning of time!” I yelled.

“Please, Generic Narrator Guy. Don’t make this harder on yourself.” He pleaded. “Oh, and you don’t have to narrate this conversation. This isn’t really part of the story.”

“I WON’T HAVE THIS!” I declared. “I WILL NOT BE PUSHED ASIDE LIKE SOME NOBODY! EVER!”

“Security. Take this man away” My boss ordered.

I was dragged away, screaming and cursing my boss, all the while wondering who my replacement was…

“KING CROUTON!!!!” A familiar voice called to Crouton. It’s CANNIBAL CON CARNE! WITH HIS SINEWY LOBSTER CLAWS AND BASEBALL GLOVE HEAD! CANNIBAL IS BACK! CANNIBAL IS BACK!

“YOU!!! Who are you again?” OH! It’s appears King Crouton doesn’t remember him.

“I’M CANNIBAL CON CARNE, YOU FLAMING JACKASS! I ALMOST HAD THE WORLD, THEN YOU AND YOUR CREW OF HALLOWEEN COSTUME-WEARING DOUCHEBAGS THWARTED ME! DAMN YOU AND YOUR FATHER TO HELL!” Strong words from Cannibal Con Carne!

“You bucking up to me, boy?” Uh-oh. You don’t wanna make King Crouton mad.

“What’re you gonna do about it, PRIN-CESS?” Oh, them’s fightin’ words.

“I'M NOT A PRINCESS! I'M KING CROUTON! THE KING OF KINGS! I'M GREATER THAN MAN! GREATER THAN GOD! I HAVE SEX WITH THE MAIDS AND MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND THAT AM BIGGER THAN THEIR MAN! I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE AS YOU FELL FROM THE CASTLE BALCONY AND MADE HER CALL OUT FOR THE BIG CROUTON-MAC! I WILL MAKE YOU MY b****! WOOO!!” OH! KING CROUTON HAS LAID DOWN THE LAW! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! VINTAGE KING CROUTON! LAYING DOWN THE LAW!

“WE CAN DO THIS ANYTIME! ANYTIME!!!! Except now…I’m not feeling well right now.” Con Carne is cowering out! He’s walking away!

“So that’s Cannibal Con Carne” Jellybean said.

“Yes” Crouton replied.

“His wife…” Jellybean continued. “You really slept with her during a battle?”

King Crouton is frozen! He doesn’t know how to respond! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!

"Honestly..." Jellybean is in disbelief!

[/spoiler]




[spoiler=Chapter 2: Tank in the Jungle]

Driving through the jungle, King Crouton and crew ride in his personal tank. A giant, legged, hulking beast of steel, firepower, manliness, and the RAGE OF THE KING, this tank was specially built for King Crouton on his 16th power by the decree of his father, the previous king. Armed with a laser cannon, a jump function, and warp drive capabilities, the Croutank is one ruthless bastard of a killing machine.

At the main controls sits the king and queen. At the helm, a hannya-designed soda-can robot with arms, legs, and a head with large eyes, Ninja Boy, and off the side are the usual suspects; Laser Platypus, General Waffle, and Chaos Potato.

“JUMPIN’ JUPITERS!” Ninja Boy continued. “What a tank! Two flat-screen TVs, 10 video game systems, a refrigerator, a bathroom, AND a futon! It’s like a mobile home of death! KICK BACK WHILE YOU KILL, WOWIE!”

“You forgot my smartass auto-pilot computer.” King Crouton boasted.

“Where are we going, exactly?” Queen Jellybean asked.

“Since our parents want us to have kids, I’m just going to adopt one from this jungle” Crouton replied.

“Honestly…” Jellybean sighed.

“This is a nice place to stop” Crouton declared.

Crouton stopped the tank by pressing START on his game controller. The tank stopped…the beast stopped…THE MACHO BEAST OF STEEL-Sorry.

“Someone should go outside and lure the kid here with this turkey bacon” King Crouton presented a turkey bacon to his soldiers.

“As general of the Crouton Army” General Waffle continued. “I order Laser Platypus to take up this dangerous mission.”

Laser Platypus turned to Waffle. “With all due respect, sir. Why me?”

“Because you’re the black guy here. You’re supposed to die first.” Waffle coldly responded.

“I’m black?! YOU HAVE NO PROOF!” Platypus roared.

“I put together the pieces. You came from the ghetto, have a baby mama and a bastard kid you don’t support, and you’re always late. It all adds up. You’re the biggest nigga in my army!” GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! General Waffle has called out Laser Platypus! This is the greatest moment in story-telling history!

Silence filled the room…for a second. Platypus broke the silence. “Dammit…” Platypus lamented, taking the turkey bacon from King Crouton, mumbling curses as he left the Croutank.

“Haha! What a porch monkey! Right, guys?” Chaos Potato joked, extending his fist to General Waffle, as to brofist him.

“Shut up you racist jackass.” General Waffle ordered.

Time passes by…

“Crouton. He’s been out for a while now.” Jellybean complained.

Crouton put down his game controller, grumbling as he left the tank.

Outside, the jungle is vast and colorful. Beautiful trees, flowers of various colors, the joyful sound of birds. Crouton wandered about, enjoying the scenery. Unknown to him, a shadowy figure…we’re still trying to apply logic to how someone can lurk in darkness in broad daylight, is stalking him.

“PLATYPUS!!!” Crouton shouted “IF YOU LOST MY PACK OF TURKEY BACON, I’LL KILL YOU AND PROMOTE POTATODICK TO WHATEVER RANK YOU ARE!”

The shadowy figure leaped at Crouton, biting into his left shoulder. The creature, a young, nude girl with messy blonde hair, razor-sharp teeth and nails, and a tail. “Hey, I found you!” Crouton exclaimed.

The girl released her teeth from Crouton’s flesh. Blood dripped from the wound. “WHO YOU?” The girl asked.

“I’m King Crouton.” Crouton continued as the girl climbed off of Crouton’s back and onto the ground. “I’m was a friend of your father. He wanted me to find you and take you in.”

“FATHER DIE LAST TUESDAY. YOU TAKE ME IN?” The girl asked.

“Yeah.” Crouton answered.

“THIS PLACE YOU TAKE ME HAVE LOT OF FOOD?”

“Plenty.”

“TAKE ME TO PLACE”

Crouton and the girl began walking back to the tank. “I think I forgot something” Crouton pondered. “Nah. It’s my imagination.” He concluded…of course he did forget something.

Back at the tank, Platypus has stumbled back and…GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THE TURKEY BACON HAS BEEN EATEN! THE TURKEY BACON HAS BEEN EATEN! “PLATYPUS!!!!” King Crouton roared.

“Look, man, I’m sorry!” Platypus continued. “Some naked little girl attacked and-SWEET JESUS! SHE’S RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!”

“RAWR!” The girl taunted.

“WAIT! WAIT! LET’S ALL TAKE A STEP BACK!” Crouton insisted.

Platypus calmed down.

“Now…” Crouton looked at Platypus “You’re black?”

[/spoiler]


[spoiler=Chapter 3: New Recruits]

ALL HAIL KING CROUTON!

Chapter 3: New Recruits

I sit outside my former job, fired back in chapter 1. I wonder “what did I do wrong? I’ve been narrating stories throughout history. I’m the greatest. I’m the best.” My replacement walked up to me.

“OOOH MYYY GAAWWD!!!! Why are you talking to yourself?” My replacement asked me.

“I’m a narrator. A REAL narrator. Not some guy who screams in response to King Crouton giving a terrible speech and other crap!” I exclaimed.

“Sour grapes, my friend. Sour grapes.” He continued. “I have to go to work now. Apparently, my substitute in chapter 2 was lazy and didn’t follow Crouton and his cronies home. Chapter 2 was a trainwreck. VINTAGE stupidity.” He declared.

My replacement walked into the building. I am angry, so angry-

“Hey. You’re not a narrator anyone. Stop narrating everything!” He ordered.

[i]Today is a new day. A day of recruiting new people. Not just people, but soldiers! And, soldiers are people! People who serve King Crouton! King Crouton’s army! The army that laughs at God, and keys the wings of his archangels with keys! FEEL THE ADRENALINE! SMELL THE DEATH! JOIN KING CROUTON’S ARMY TODAY OR DIE AS HEATHENS! In the garden, the king and queen sit…on something.[/i]

Good God. A paper airplane just hit King Crouton in the back of the head. Crouton picks it up and reads it.

[i]Dear King Crouton,[/i]

[i]From this point forward, you are now an Oni covered in bandages with black horns. Also, your daughter no longer speaks like a caveman. Everyone assumes these changes were always the norm.[/i]

[i]Cordially,[/i]
[i]Reto Conrad[/i]

[i]Huh. I should probably listen to this letter from a person I’ve never met.[/i] Crouton thought to himself as he altered his physical appearance.

“Crouton. What the hell happened to you?” Jellybean inquired.

“What?” Crouton returned.

“You look so different.” Jellybean said.

“You’re nuts. How’s the princess’ training going?” Crouton asked.

“Well, she’s finally stop eating the carpet” Jellybean replied.

[i]HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA![/i]

“What the hell was that?” Crouton asked.

“That’s the live studio audience I hired this morning” Jellybean answered.

[i]HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA![/i]

Crouton is puzzled. General Waffle approaches the king and queen with new soldiers. A young, female recruit approached the desk. A young, female recruit approached the desk. A blonde lady with elf ears, a breastplate covered in cellphones, and a sword with buttons and a joystick! Her name is Athena Thunderbolt! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! SHE IS GORGEOUS! Another, a man with a spike-covered steel mask, a bloody straitjacket, and wrapped in Christmas lights. Abortion Sundae.

“I hired these two into the army” Waffle said.

Crouton looked at the new solders. “Just these two?” He asked.

“They stood out to me” Waffle answered. “This is Athena Thunderbolt and Abortion Sundae.”

The king looks at the new soldiers. “So, you hired the one woman hotter than my wife, and a mass murderer?” He asked.

[i]HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA![/i]

“I resent that” said Abortion Sundae. “I am not a mass murderer. I am an artist that specializes in killing.”

“An artist?” Crouton asked.

“Yes” Sundae continued. “I captured an orphanage full of children and forced them to fight to the death in an electrified cage covered in barbed wire and salt for my amusement. The children who refused to fight were given a nice, bubbly acid bath. I then shut off the electricity and chained their mangled corpses to the exterior of the cage as detail for my secret, underground abortion clinic…or was it an abortion clinic?” Sundae twitches his head to the left. “Young, teenage girls who got knocked up by their jock boyfriends were desperate to kill their unborn bastard kids, so they came to me. But, I had other plans.” Sundae twitches his head to the right. ”They entered my ‘clinic,’ and they never left. I cut the bastards out of the girl’s stomachs, and used their slashed open bodies as duffle bags. During a mission with the Happy League, my previous unit, I force-fed the dead fetuses to uncooperative enemy combatants. I was tried for war crimes. They accused me of torture, the fools. I am an artist, not a torturer. Then, they investigated the orphanage incident and my abortion clinic. They brought my evil twin to testify, and he said I was the one who set fire to the orphanage. It was him! I merely murdered the children! When I find him, I’m going to eviscerate him and his slutty wife. I was imprisoned. Then, this morning, General Waffle broke me out and hired me, and now I’m here. When do I get my first paycheck?”

[i]HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/i]

Shock and horror filled the garden. Crouton broke the silence. “That is…the most tragic story I’ve ever heard! A true rags-to-riches story about a struggling artist not receiving the recognition he deserves!”

[i]HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA![/i]

“Stop laughing!” Crouton roared at the live studio audience. “Sundae has poured his heart about his sad past-who the hell are you?” Crouton turned to a mysterious boy standing behind Athena. A spiky-haired emo with a giant sword.

“I am Ethereal, the warrior that ties the bonds of fate in order to complete my very existence which is frivolous and utterly pointless.” The boy spoke.

“What?” Crouton asked.

“Have you ever wondered why human existence is etched into the being of this tiny planet?” Ethereal asked.

“What?” Crouton asked.

“Can no one give me an answer?! Not even my nemesis, Symphonic could give me an answer.” Ethereal lamented.

“What?” Crouton asked.

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Long ago, my mother passed on to the void of nothingness along with my father. I was raised by my sorrow, and angst. Then, I met Symphonic. He was my hero, with his long, blue spiky hair, and effeminate features. He defeated large enemies with one swing of his mighty sword, and simply asked his opponent ‘do you believe in your existence?’ His words really got my incompetent teenage mind working. Can I believe in my existence if I don’t exist? Can I believe in my belief in my existence if I don’t exist? What is existence? What is the purpose of existence? Why is everything the way it is? Why are clouds white? Do they not know that other colors exist? Why does the sun shine? Does there not exist an ‘OFF’ switch for it? Symphonic pondered these thoughts and came to the conclusion that existence is frivolous and thus, meaningless. He thought that the world would be a better place if existence was reduced to nothingness. I am on a quest to stop his. It is my destiny to find existence through existence.”

“What?” Crouton asked. “You waste your life thinking about why you have life? What? You idolize girly boys? What? Is that what you do with life?”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Let me tell you a story.” Crouton demanded.

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“A story about an oni named King Crouton”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Who went to war last Tuesday.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I was in the mood to kick some ass.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“But I was hungry.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“So I went to GTFO Wednesdays.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I ordered 12 plates of mozzarella sticks.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“5 beers.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“4 bacon cheeseburgers.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“2 strawberry tallcakes.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I had to wait for the food to be prepared.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I noticed the waitress was hot.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“She was into royalty.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I got her on the table.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I got her horizontal.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I tore that up!”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“It was good.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Beastly.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“PHENOMENAL!”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I tipped her extra.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Hedonism is good.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Then, the manager came over and yelled ‘CROUTON! CROUTON! CROUTON!’ and I asked ‘WHAT?’”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“He told me Cannibal Concarne ordered the restaurant not to serve me.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I went to Concarne’s castle.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I nailed his handmaidens.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Killed his soldiers.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I stormed his throne room.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“He pulled a gun on me.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“So, I kicked that son of a b****’s teeth down his throat!”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

[i]WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap*[/i]

“He got up.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“He asked me who I think I am.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“That’s what I said. I said ‘what?”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I told him ‘You dumb son of a b****! I’m King Crouton!’”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I SAID ‘YOU DUMB SON OF A b****! I’M KING CROUTON!’”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I kicked his head off.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I went back to the restaurant with Concarne’s head.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“They give me the food.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I ate it.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“It was good.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“I put the tab on Concarne’s ugly wife.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Then, I screwed the waitress again.”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“The bottom line…”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Shut up and enjoy life!”

[i]WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap*[/i]

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! What a mouthful from King Crouton! VINTAGE King Crouton! Telling it like it is! Holy crap, it’s Cannibal Concarne!

“We meet again, King Crouton!” Concarne roared.

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“My evil twin!” Sundae shouted.

“SUNDAE!” Concarne points at Sundae. “Has prison treated you well, dear brother?” He asked.

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Better than that baseball glove replacement head has been for you.” Sundae retorted.

“I see you’ve met my friend Ethereal.” Concarne continued. “Ethereal! King Crouton is the bane of existence! Destroy him!”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

Ethereal unsheathes his sword. “King Crouton! Those who indulge in the frivolity of existence don’t deserve to be bound to this meaningless world!”

[i]WHAT?[/i]

“Wait!” King Crouton ordered. Ethereal lowered his sword. “True fighters shake hands before a battle.” King Crouton said, offering a handshake. Ethereal, confused, walks to King Crouton and shakes his hand. “To a fair and honorable battle…” Crouton continued. “…and may you get the hell off my property.” AAAH! CROUTON JUST HEADBUTTED ETHEREAL! THE CROUTON HAMMER! ETHEREAL IS DOWN! ETHEREAL IS DOWN! CONCARNE IS FLEEING LIKE A WOUNDED HOUND! Hey, it’s Princess Monster.

“HELLO. WHERE FOOD?” Monster asked.

“Stop talking like a caveman.” King Crouton ordered.

“What?” Monster asked.

[i]HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap**clap* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/i]

[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Chapter 4: King Crouton vs. Demon Woman?!?]

“OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!” I shouted in distain. “I can’t believe I’m getting a co-narrator. This is the most shocking moment in the history of literature! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!”

“Well, it was the boss’ orders” The co-narrator told me.

“Why? The reader will be confused about who’s narrating.” I pointed out.

“I can use italics” He suggested. I shrugged.

[i]King Crouton isn’t the only being who has adventures in this universe. Deep in the far reaches of the universe exists a small planet called Earth. On this planet, subspace-dwelling creatures called “demons” take human hosts, equip them with hellish armor, and use them to cause death and destruction. In Imagine City, a 9[sup]th[/sup] grade girl with an ancestry linked to demons joins with a special, high-ranking demon to become an oni warrior and battle the demon invaders...you say “demon” 3 times in a sentence. This girl is…Demon Woman…Demon Woman? What?[/i]
[i]Oh, and I’m not the co-narrator. I’m the “exposition in italics” person in every chapter that no one ever acknowledges…forever alone…[/i]

And, we are live, narrating from King Crouton’s balcony overseeing the city. [i]That’s right. We aren’t in Elfwood anymore. [/i]Oh, okay. King Crouton is enjoying a big bowl of chicken dumplings! He’s wolfing them down with TENACITY! WITH RUTHLESS AGGRESSION! HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE IN THAT BOWL OF FOOD! [i]I hope he enjoys those pork dumplings now because when he goes to that scale, he’ll be in for a big surprise.[/i] Chicken dumplings. [i]Right, chicken dumplings.[/i] GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! General Waffle has walked onto the balcony with a weird device. [i]Here comes General Waffle, a decorated dark knight with 10 years of service under his belt. He has earned his right…to be a general.[/i]

“Boss. We excavated this from the wreckage of Concarne’s kingdom” Waffle shows Crouton a strange device. It looks like an ice cream cone with a Rubik’s cube in it, with a numeric keypad on the cone.

“What is it?” Crouton asks.

“I’ll have this guy explain” Waffle hands the device over to another man. A man with a stovetop face and a kendo outfit. Kendo Stovetop. [i]Kendo Stovetop is here to explain things.[/i] Well, yes he is.

“This is a planetary transporter. We can teleport to other planets.” Stovetop stated. [i]No one can explain it better than Kendo Stovepot - Stovetop.[/i]

“Great. Assemble the crew” Crouton ordered.

“We are assembled” Waffle replied, pointing to Laser Platypus, Athena Thunderbolt, Ninja Boy, Chaos Potato, and Abortion Sundae.

“Why have you all been here all this time?” Crouton asked.

“Waffle ordered us to watch you” Athena said.

“Was that really the reason?” Abortion asked. He sniffs Athena’s neck. She’s wearing perfume today that smells like strawberries. Abortion walks past Athena. “Or was it something else?” Abortion hop-scotches to the door. “Did you know Waffle’s 12-year son watches cartoons about ponies?” Abortion moonwalks to the balcony. “You must be ashamed of your son, Waffle. That’s why you find excuses to stay at work. Work is the only way you can keep yourself from beating the girliness out of your son. Don’t feel bad. My son used to like magical ponies. I was so disgusted. It was embarrassing to hear my neighbors talk about how their sons were playing football and soccer while my son was watching pony cartoons and doing that cosplay crap. He was the first victim of my acid bathes.” Abortion twitches his head to the left. “He cried like the little Nancy boy he was. His failure of a mother cried for me to stop. I threw a whipped cream pie in her face and told her ‘IT’S YOUR FAULT! YOU FAILED TO MAKE MY BOY INTO A MAN! NOW, I HAVE TO FIX THE DAMAGE!’ She left me for the pizza man. I hunted her down and blew her face off with a double-barreled shotgun. I tipped the pizza guy for the gore that splattered on him.” Abortion twitches his head to the right. “My wife died in under 15 minutes or less…actually, that was a pizza joke. She died instantly.”

“This is why we keep you in a straitjacket” Waffle said.

Stovetop activates the device. AHHH! The device emits a rainbow-colored light! [i]You could say it’s bright.[/i] Crouton and his crew are sent through a portal created by the device. ALL THIS LIGHT! OOOHHH MY GOD!!!! THIS IS SMASH MOUTH PORTAL-TRAVELING! The light fades[i]. [/i]This place is a city, with bright lights, oddly shaped buildings. At the center of the city, a pyramid missing its top is in plain sight, even from this distance. [i]That’s right. We aren’t on Aether anymore.[/i] “Gee Willikers! What a city! ” Ninja Boy exclaimed.

Meanwhile…

Hey, who was that? [i]Who?[/i] The guy who just said “meanwhile.” [i]We have a third narrator?[/i] Not that I know of-Hey where’s King Crouton and his soldiers? [i]I don’t know. It’s like we’re somewhere else.[/i] It looks like a school. There’s an Asian girl with short, messy maroon-colored hair, maroon eyes, and a Japanese symbol under the right side of her left eye. She’s wearing a sailor outfit with a burgundy collar and skirt. Wait. I just received a new script. Her name is Rei Satomi.

[i]Rei Satomi. A high school freshman from the rural Windy Town who moved to Imagine City with her mother, a doctor. 14 years old.[/i]

Was that you? [i]No.[/i] This is getting scary. Who are all these extra narrators? GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!

“Rei!” Called a classmate. A fat, white girl wearing bunny ears and yellow glasses, with brown hair with yellow bangs. She wearing vibrant red lipstick. Her name is Tori Brooks, but apparently, we’re supposed to call her “Wakana Megane.” What the hell is going on? She just put a newspaper on Rei’s desk.

[i]Wakana Megane. An anime fanatic who investigates the bizarre murders in the city with the school’s Sci-Fi club. 16 years old.[/i]

Ahh!

“Look!” Wakana says, pointing at an article in on the second page. Rei looks at the article. It reads “SERIAL KILLER TARGETS POPULAR WRITERS.”

“Uh-huh” Rei said uncaringly.

“Rei! This is like that samurai that attacked us a month or so ago! The day we first met” Wakana complained. Rei rests her head on her hands. [i]She should get more sleep.[/i]

“Fine! I’ll look into it by myself! If I get an interview with the white demon, I won’t get an autograph for you either!” Wakana yells as she stomps away.

The room becomes darker, the floor glows crimson. A white kabuki mask with yellow eyes, red lips, pink cheeks, black horns, and a Japanese symbol on her forehead much like Rei’s appears before her. “So, Word Samurai is back?” Rei asks.

“Not exactly” The demon responds. “The form and powers a demon uses depends on the human host’s interests, desires, and personality. It’s probably the same demon, but since the host is different, we’re facing a completely different enemy.”

“Samurai targeted his students who were failing his English class” Rei continued. “But this guy is killing authors who write popular novels. He’s probably a failed author who’s jealous, a rival, or a deranged hater of their books.”

“We should look up authors whose books have sold poorly recently. Let’s get Irving to research it. We’ll transform and shadow the police as they investigate the crime scenes.” The demon suggests.

Meanwhile…

Finally. Back to the norm. That’s right. [i]We aren’t narrating the weird girl’s story anymore.[/i]

OOOOHHHH MY GAWD!!! King Crouton is beating up thugs! We missed most of it! King Crouton is kicking ass! CROUTON ELBOW to the face of the fat thug! SUPER CROUTON KNUCKLE to the gut of the skinny thug! GOD GOOD ALMIGHTY! WHAT A SLOBBERKNOCKER! And here’s a VINTAGE neck-breaker from King Crouton! That thug is literally dead! The other punks are running away. King Crouton turns to the young girl watching the fight.

“No need to thank me, little lady” Crouton continued “Just being a good Samaritan. Now run home to mommy and daddy. And be respectful, and you’ll make a fine wife to some lucky alcoholic.”

“I’m a boy, I’m 13 years old, and my parents are lying dead over there because of those thugs!” The girl-I mean boy cried. [i]That boy looks like a girl.[/i]

“Oh…” Crouton sweated. “Well, as long as you know effeminacy is for pussies. Don’t let the animes tell you otherwise!” Crouton exclaimed as he ran away from the crying boy[i]. And the king showing he has no time for effeminate emos.[/i]

“People on this planet are so goddamn sensitive.” Crouton lamented.

A feminine screen pierces Crouton’s ears. “ANOTHER person in trouble? Do I look like a superhero?” Crouton asked to the heavens. A woman falls from the window above Crouton. He catches her in his arms. It’s Wakana! “Let me guess.” Crouton continued. “You realized you were out of cupcakes.” Wakana screamed in horror at Crouton’s appearance. Crouton drops her, and she gets up continuing to scream.

“DEMON!” Wakana screams.

“So screaming fatty. You aren’t burning any calories doing that” Crouton insisted. Wakana runs away screaming. “That’s a good girl. A good, fat girl. Run off all that fat, you fatass.” Uh-oh. A man wearing an orange, kabuki-style mask, with hardcover book body armor, and a giant tome is standing behind King Crouton! CROUTON! TURN AROUND! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU! Oh, Crouton turned around. “Who the hell are you?” Crouton asked.

“’The public calls me a serial killer’ I continued” The man continued “’My fellow demons call me ‘Wizard Books’ I finished, attacking King Crouton with the tome” He finished, attacking King Crouton with the tome. VINTAGE King Crouton! Dodging the tome like a ninja! CROUTON RUSH! He just tackled Wizard Books through a wall! The dust clears. Crouton and Books look up. A person looks down at them. It’s Rei!

“Finally found you, a******!” Rei scorned, pointing at Wizard Books.

“’You…we meet again, Demon Woman!’ I scowled” Wizard Books scowled. “But, how did you find me?”

“I couldn’t find a host jealous enough to kill those people, so I used my idiot friend as bait by shadowing her and letting her find you for me.” Rei explained.

In a flash of light, Rei has become a white demon, with a maroon ponytail and a bow, with maroon stockings and sleeves. Her face is that of her demon partner. Over the white suit is a revealing black chestplate with 2 maroon gems and four large pegs sticking out the back, her white breasts have black nipples similar to the chestplate. Her stockings have black rings around thighs. Her wrists have black bracelets with black pins. Her belt, a black, ornate utility belt with a mysterious stone for its buckle, a card holder on the right side, a strange device of the left. Rei has fused with her demon partner. They are one. They are Demon Woman…wait! Demon Woman? The comic that the author is working on? GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!

“’This time, I’ll emerge victorious and purge this vile world into the searing flames of proper grammar and punctuation!’ I declared” Wizard Books declared, shooting letters from his tome at Demon Woman. Amazing counter from Demon Woman, rolling to the right and throwing ninja stars at Books! The stars pierce the pages! And Wizard Books is fighting back with his bookerangs, the mighty boomerang-like books! It’s now a battle of long-range combat! [i]And, an interesting start to the fight. Demon Woman getting things done.[/i] Well, yeah. That’s because it’s a fight…Demon Woman now forcing Wizard Books into melee after dodging his bookerangs. [i]A couple years ago, Rei was basically a quiet 7[sup]th[/sup] grader in the rural Windy Town. [/i]Well yeah. You’re right, and I don’t know what this has-uh, do you think she fights demons every week? [i]Well, it’s not a fight anymore because they’re just throwing punches at each other. They were throwing projectiles at each other[/i]-Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean this isn’t a fight? [i]Technically, it’s a not a fight, because in the old days, people would only throw things at each other.[/i] Ha…OH MY GAWD! Wizard Books put up a barrier to block Demon Woman’s attacks, as King Crouton watches on.

“I should stop watching this fight” Crouton continued. “Fights with unfair disadvantages are cooler.” GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! KING CROUTON HAS JOINED THE FIGHT! CROUTON ELBOW TO WIZARD BOOKS’ BARRIER! IT DIDN’T WORK! DEMON WOMAN CHANGED HER SUIT! SHE’S NOW BLUE, AND SHE HAS A MAGIC GUN! SHE’S TRYING TO SHOOT THROUGH THE BARRIER! HER BULLETS HAVE NO EFFECT! ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE! ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE!!!!

“’Interesting’ I grinned” Wizard Books grinned. “’You said you couldn’t find my host, correct?’ I asked Demon Woman” He asks Demon Woman.

“What?” Demon Woman asks.

“’Did you check behind the fourth wall?’ I smirked” Wizard smirks.

“The fourth wall?” Demon Woman is puzzled.

“’Ha! Do you fear me now, Mr. Replacement Narrator?’ I asked Mr. Replacement Narrator” Wizard asks me…wait, me? You don’t mean…GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! IT’S YOU! THE BORING NARRATOR FROM CHAPTER 1?!

“’’That’s right, Mr. Replacement Narrator. It’s me’ I continued” He continued “’And now, I will use my new powers to sabotage this story’ I declared” He declared. SON OF A b****!

[i]TO BE CONTINUED…and I’m a new guy with also uses italics. Hi everyone.[/i]

“’With these demon powers, I’ll sabotage this story!’ I declared”

“So, this demon went to another dimension to get its host.”

“You’re seriously going to shoot through reality itself?!”

“I make the impossible possible.”

[color=#0066ff][b]次[/b][b]元[/b][/color]
[color=#0066ff][b]Dimension[/b][/color]


[/spoiler]

[Just Crouton]

Chapter 1 redone.

bump

[Just Crouton]

bump

[Just Crouton]

Chapter 2 added.

[Just Crouton]

Updated with chapter 3.

[Just Crouton]

Chapter 4 is now up.

[Hydra of Ages]

The main problem with this is that it isn't funny. Its ridiculous, yeah, but eventually you hit a point where a lack of cohesion turns something from 'ridiculous' to 'random jumble of phrases'. The overuse of caps makes it feel like it's screaming at me every half second in an attempt to get a cheap chuckle, there's no sense of comedic timing and no context for humor since all the characters are bereft of even one-dimensional character traits... yeah, it ain't working for me.

[Just Crouton]

[quote name='Hydra of Gentlemanliness' timestamp='1323828043' post='5705406']
The main problem with this is that it isn't funny. Its ridiculous, yeah, but eventually you hit a point where a lack of cohesion turns something from 'ridiculous' to 'random jumble of phrases'. The overuse of caps makes it feel like it's screaming at me every half second in an attempt to get a cheap chuckle, there's no sense of comedic timing and no context for humor since all the characters are bereft of even one-dimensional character traits... yeah, it ain't working for me.
[/quote]

Points taken. Will work on it.

[Catterjune]

[quote]I am on a quest to write the most ridiculous story in existence.[/quote]
As opposed to a good story? Nah but seriously, this story is awful.

I don't know when YCM, or stupid internet people in general, ever got the idea that a bad story and a funny story were synonymous. They're not.

You remember everything you learned about creating a plot and developing characters and world building and stuff? That doesn't all suddenly go out the door when you're writing a humerous story. In fact, it needs to be further emphasized. Because you're dealing with absurd people, or absurd situations, you must explain the internal reasons for why they do the peculiar things that they do.

For example, the first chapter. We have some 4 assholes we don't care about trying to break down a wall. But we're never really given a reason for it. Hell, even having something as simple as "Why?" "Why not?" Would at least add some bit of layer to King Crouton's I-don't-give-a-[frog] attitude.

So anyway, I also find it peculiar that none of the characters really... seem to have any characteristics. If you completely scrambled who said what, the entirety of the first chapter would read largely the same. Like, I dunno. I figure the way King Crouton treat Jellybean should be very notably different from the way he treats Waffle and Platypus. Likewise with all the others amongst themselves.

So then we get to the narration. The whole narrating "joke" thing doesn't work. I think maybe you saw it in a movie or TV show where there was a narrator and then the other characters called him out on it and it was HILARIOUS! but in this case, it just falls flat. It makes more sense when you have two modes of seeing what a character is doing, like watching actions as well as reading about them, but since all we have is the narrator, it all falls flat.

Secondly, you missed what could have been a real comedic gold mine there. Have the narrator announce stupid crap to piss off King Crouton and have it happen (or have them obstinately deny or try to fight fate or something). But since all we know about the story is what he's narrating, it still kind of falls flat. Make his narrations in quotations or something? Or make it a play? That's really the only way I can see the narrating joke continue, but even then... it's not that great of a joke anyway.

And then I kind of tuned out for the rest of the first chapter (and I think you did too since it gets really, really poorly written). I didn't read the other three because shut up.

Basically, your characters can still be stupid assholes or whatever, they just have to follow some internal logic or something, and have some bit more of a characterization.

I find my self constantly quoting that old Red Letter Media Star Wars review, but to paraphrase, the reviewer asked his buddies to describe a character in Star Wars without describing what they looked like, what they wore, or what their role in the movie was. Describe them like you're telling it to someone who aint never seen Star Wars. And they came up with plenty for Han Solo (suave, ladies man, playboy) and C3PO (prissy, uptight) but they struggled to find words for Queen Amadala and Qui Gon Jinn (both from the first movie).

Basically, if you readers finish the story and can't describe the character, then you've failed as an author.

tl;dr - It's bad, in a so bad it's horrible way. Stop writing please.

[Just Crouton]

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1323960859' post='5708484']
As opposed to a good story? Nah but seriously, this story is awful.

I don't know when YCM, or stupid internet people in general, ever got the idea that a bad story and a funny story were synonymous. They're not.

You remember everything you learned about creating a plot and developing characters and world building and stuff? That doesn't all suddenly go out the door when you're writing a humerous story. In fact, it needs to be further emphasized. Because you're dealing with absurd people, or absurd situations, you must explain the internal reasons for why they do the peculiar things that they do.

For example, the first chapter. We have some 4 a******s we don't care about trying to break down a wall. But we're never really given a reason for it. Hell, even having something as simple as "Why?" "Why not?" Would at least add some bit of layer to King Crouton's I-don't-give-a-[frog] attitude.

So anyway, I also find it peculiar that none of the characters really... seem to have any characteristics. If you completely scrambled who said what, the entirety of the first chapter would read largely the same. Like, I dunno. I figure the way King Crouton treat Jellybean should be very notably different from the way he treats Waffle and Platypus. Likewise with all the others amongst themselves.

So then we get to the narration. The whole narrating "joke" thing doesn't work. I think maybe you saw it in a movie or TV show where there was a narrator and then the other characters called him out on it and it was HILARIOUS! but in this case, it just falls flat. It makes more sense when you have two modes of seeing what a character is doing, like watching actions as well as reading about them, but since all we have is the narrator, it all falls flat.

Secondly, you missed what could have been a real comedic gold mine there. Have the narrator announce stupid crap to piss off King Crouton and have it happen (or have them obstinately deny or try to fight fate or something). But since all we know about the story is what he's narrating, it still kind of falls flat. Make his narrations in quotations or something? Or make it a play? That's really the only way I can see the narrating joke continue, but even then... it's not that great of a joke anyway.

And then I kind of tuned out for the rest of the first chapter (and I think you did too since it gets really, really poorly written). I didn't read the other three because shut up.

Basically, your characters can still be stupid a******s or whatever, they just have to follow some internal logic or something, and have some bit more of a characterization.

I find my self constantly quoting that old Red Letter Media Star Wars review, but to paraphrase, the reviewer asked his buddies to describe a character in Star Wars without describing what they looked like, what they wore, or what their role in the movie was. Describe them like you're telling it to someone who aint never seen Star Wars. And they came up with plenty for Han Solo (suave, ladies man, playboy) and C3PO (prissy, uptight) but they struggled to find words for Queen Amadala and Qui Gon Jinn (both from the first movie).

Basically, if you readers finish the story and can't describe the character, then you've failed as an author.

tl;dr - It's bad, in a so bad it's horrible way. Stop writing please.
[/quote]

Thank you so much for the critique. I've really been looking for suggestions.