LOCK

[Atomix]

RULES of my story: No one will copy this or they will be neg reped, not once, not twice but three times. If you wish to have a piece of my story you must PM me to ask.

 

CREDIT: The first duel isn't mine but it is Supreme Duelist, all credit for that goes to him (I asked on PM and he sayed yes, so don't try to steal) The rest of the story is all mine, just to imform you.

 

YUGIOH GX

THE DARKNESS FRIEND

 

Chapter One part 1/3

 

It was one hot summer morning when the student of the Duel Academy where waking up. A mysterious school, which mysteries that can only be solved by duelling, home of the three sacred beast cards that if they ever saw the light, the world will be no more.....

 

A young boy named Jaden Yuki was ready for another day for duelling anyone or anything. He walked to the main gate with his closest friends Syrus Truesdale, another young boy but doesn’t have as much confidence as Jaden but still they are the best of friends. He duels with cards known as the roid cards. Machine Cards that are any transport of today. The other friend was called Chumley Huffington. A bigger boned child just a little older than Jaden and Syrus; this is because he flunked a year. He duels with a Panda deck, his dad duels with a chilli deck. A very weird deck based on nothing but hot sauce.

They were on their way to the main gate leading to the classroom for today’s lesson, as usual kids duelled all the way around Duel Academy, and the main gate was nothing different. The most interesting duel going on was through two friends that haven’t duelled for two years because one was a Ra Yellow and one was an Obelisk Blue. Just a flash back, the first colours were Reds. Reds are also known as the Slifers, these kids who went in there are known as the worst duellist but that isn’t true. Slifers live in the smallest and the worst dorms too. Then coming is the Ra Yellows. These kids are in the second best group with bigger dorms, better food and are better than the reds. Now we come to the final colour, the blues. The blues are also known as the Obelisk Blues. These kids are the greatest duellists in the school, with the biggest dorms and better food and drinks like wine and big feasts.

The duel had started.....

“My turn, I draw, now go Swords of Revealing Light and play one card face down,” Shouted Brian.

(Thousands of sword started falling from the sky and surrounded James)

 

“O.K. I start, I draw, I activate Mystical Space Typhoon, so let’s just let your swords fly away. After than I summon my Low Class Demon,” Boasted James

(A twister appeared and destroyed all the sword then a gargoyle demon creature appeared)

 

[Dark / Warrior / Level 3 / ATK 500 / DEF 500 / When this card attacks, destroy 1 card at the end of the damage step.].

Then I attack.", said James.

 

*Raid Warrior [Dark / level 3 / ATK 600 / DEF 1000 / When this card is destroyed you may draw 1 card from your Deck]

is flipped face-up.

 

*Brian**4000*

*James**3500*

 

"Now your monster is destroyed, I end my turn.", said James.

"My monster's effect allows me to draw a card from my Deck *draws* now my turn

*draws* I activate my Damage Blast spell card”, Shouted Brian

[spell / Continuous / When you lose Life Points by a card effect, your opponent loses double the amount of Life Points you lost during the End Phase.].

Then I activate Tremendous Fire.", admitted Brain.

 

*Brian**3500*

*James**2500*

 

"Ugh, I hate this", decided James.

"Now I summon my Breaker the Magical Warrior, he gets I Spell Counter which gets him to 1900 now he attacks and you lose 1400 Life Points and then I end my turn, now double blast activates, you lose 1000 more Life Points.", Shouted Brian

 

"Dang, you became a lot better than before", said James.

 

*Brian**3500*

*James**100*

 

"My turn *draws a card* I summon my Gene Wrapped-Warwolf and attack your monster, then activate my Blast of Last Hope, babbled James

(The wolf creature attacked Breaker the Magical Warrior)

[spell / Normal / Send all cards from your hand to the Graveyard, your opponent loses Life Points equal to the number of cards sent to the Graveyard x 300]

*Discards 4 cards from hand* and then I end my turn." Approved James.

 

*Brian**2200*

*James**100*

 

"My turn *draw 1 card* I activate Ookazi to end it all, good duel James.", said Brian.

 

*Brian**2200*

*James**0*

 

"I actually thought I became better.", questioned James.

"You are a good duellist, you just need to try harder.", answered Brian.

"Thanks mate.", whispered James.

 

The duel had ended with the Obelisk Blue Brain winning, James didn’t get upset but walked off with Brain to class chatting about old times.

“You guys It’s almost time to go in for class”, Shouted Syrus

“Aar man, I just wanted to duel someone before I have to go in”, quoted Jaden

“Well to bad, hey do you think we will be having grilled cheese for dinner today, guys, guys!!!”, asked Chumley.

 

Later that night as everyone was tucking into their dinners, an Obelisk Blue girl was hanging around on top of a huge hill just looking into the darkness of the trees. Then the trees started to blow left and right and a black figure entered the lightness.

“Look I don’t know who you are but, my guess is that you want a duel?” Questioned the Obelisk Blue Girl.

“Sure why not,” whispered the mysterious black figure.

The duel had started.....

 

*Obelisk Blue Girl**4000*

*Mysterious figure**4000*

 

“I’ll start,” Shouted the mysterious figure. “Go, I summon one card face-down and end my turn”

“My turn, I summon ‘Elemental Hero Neos Alius,” Said the Obelisk Blue Girl,

[warrior/Gemini][this card is treated as a Normal monster while face-up on the field or in the graveyard. While this card is face-up on the field you can normal summon it to have it be treated as an effect monster with this effect: this face-up card’s name is treated as ‘Elemental Hero Neos’.][ATK=1900]

“Now I end my turn”

“Good so I can have my turn, I play another face-down card and end my turn,” Blabbered the Mysterious figure.

While all this was happening the girl was thinking alot, I think that he’s planning to ritual summon I better end that now.

“Go, I draw, I summon ‘Elemental Hero Wildheart,” Whispered the Obelisk Blue girl,

[Warrior/Effect][This card is unaffected by the effects of trap cards][ATK=1500]

“Now go Wildheart and attack his face-down card on the right,” Said the Obelisk Blue girl.

“Ha, you just destroyed by Skull-Marked Ladybug so I gain 1000 lifepoints”, Replied the mysterious figure.

 

*Obelisk Blue Girl**4000*

*Mysterious figure**5000*

 

“So, now go my Alius attack his other face-down card,” Shouted the Obelisk Blue Girl.

“You just activate the effect of my Blockman, when this card is sent to the graveyard I can summon two Blockman tokens,” Replied the Mysterious figure.

“Are all you cards effects, any how I end my turn,” Asked the Obelisk Blue Girl.

“No, I draw, and now I sacrifice my two Blockman tokens to summon the all mighty Blue-Ice White Knight Dragon,” Said the Mysterious figure.

[Dragon/effect][Negate and destroy the effects of your opponent’s spell and trap Cards that designate this card as a target. By discarding 1 spell of Trap Card on your side of the field and sending it to the graveyard, you can change the attack target of an opponent’s monster to this card][ATK=3000]

“Now go my White Knight Dragon attack and destroy her Wildheart,” Screamed the mysterious figure.

 

*Obelisk Blue Girl**2500

*Mysterious Stranger**5000

 

“You’re turn”

“O.K. I draw, now I summon Neospacian Flare Scarab, now go contact fusion. Come in Elemental Hero Flare Neos,” shouted the Obelisk Blue Girl,

["Elemental Hero Neos" + "Neo-Spacian Flare Scarab"][ This card can only be Special Summoned from your Fusion Deck by returning the above cards from your side of the field to the Deck. (You do not use "Polymerization".) This card gains 400 ATK for each Spell and Trap Card on the field. This card returns to the Fusion Deck during the End Phase.][ATK=2500]

“Go attack his White Knight Dragon with Axe of Despair giving you now 3900 attack,” Screamed the Obelisk Blue Girl.

 

*Obelisk Blue Girl**2500*

*Mysterious Figure**4100*

“I end my turn”

“ Too bad because your monster is returned back to your fusion deck at the end phase so you’re wide open, I summon ‘Nurse Reficule the fallen one’,” Said the mysterious figure

[Fairy/Effect][Any effect that would cause your opponent to gain Life Points instead inflicts the same amount of damage to your opponent][ATK=1400]

“Attack!” Shouted the mysterious figure.

 

*Obelisk Blue Girl**1100*

*Mysterious stranger**4100*

 

“I draw and play ‘Elemental Hero Bubbleman”, Said the Obelisk Blue girl.

[Warrior/effect][if this is the only card in your hand, you can Special Summon it. When this card is Summoned, you can draw 2 cards if there are no other cards on your side of the field and in your hand][DEF=1200]

“I also play Dian Keto the cure master,” Said the Obelisk Blue Girl.

“Not so fast because monsters effect is the opposite of the one you just played so you didn’t gain 1000 you lost 1000,” Replied the mysterious figure.

 

*The Obelisk Blue Girl**100*

*The mysterious figure**4100*

 

“Now go I use the spell card Lightning Vortex so all your monsters are destroyed now I have to discard one card to the graveyard. Now I discard ‘Adhesive Explosive, now attack, you lose.....

 

“Aar, man. I lost, I thought Elemental Hero Decks were invincible, now I don’t see how Jaden Yuki can win all the time?” Whispered the Obelisk Blue Girl.

The mysterious figure’s eyes opened wide, Jaden Yuki, he thought. The one who has the figure to become the next king of games after that retched Yugi Moto. He will never become the king of games.

The stranger turned around and started to walk away when the Obelisk Blue Girl started to wonder,

“Hey, why did you want to duel me?” Asked the Obelisk Blue Girl.

 

This is 6 pages long if you make it on Microsoft word, part 2 coming ?/02/08

 

Chapter 1 part 2/3

 

“I’m entering the Duel Academy duelling quest,” Replied the mysterious figure.

He walked off into the darkness.........

The next day.....

 

“Jaden, Jaden Yuki,” Shouted a shadowy voice. “Jaden, you slacker get up now!” Shouted the shadowy voice.

Jaden slowly moved his head up of his desk.

“Sorry Dr Crowler, I was kept up all night, it was that dream,” Said Jaden.

“Well if it’s the one were Chumley talked about grilled cheese then your o.k., but keep up now,” Replied Dr Crowler.

 

Then all of a sudden the doors flung open. A boy came walking in, in a Slifer Red uniform. He walked down to a empty seat next to Jaden Yuki.

“Ah, late I see, you deserve to be in Slifer,” Said Dr Crowler.

The lesson went on further and further.....

“And now we will have a short practice duel, how about Syrus Truesdale, now that you’re in Obelisk Blue I think you will be ready for this, and how about you, late boy,” Asked Dr Crowler.

“Sure,” Replied the Slifer Red student.

The duel had started....

 

*Syrus Truesdale**4000*

*Jacob Anderton**4000*

 

“I’ll start, I draw. *Draws* Just to start, my names Jacob. Now I summon one card face-down and end my turn,” Shouted Jacob.

“Kay, my turn, I draw. *Draws* I summon Drillroid [1600/1600], now attack his face-down card.

A bug type creature is flipped face-up...

“Ha, you just activate my skull-mark ladybug’s effect!!! When it is sent to the Graveyard, I gain 1000 LP

 

*Syrus Truesdale**4000*

*Jacob Anderton**5000*

 

“Now it’s my turn, *Draws* I will summon another face-down card and one card face-down, your turn,” Shouted Jacob

“I draw. *Draws* Err, O.K. Drillroid will attack your face-down card again,” Shouted Syrus.

“You’ve just activated my trap card, Sakuretsu Armor, the attacking monster is now destroyed, my turn *Draws* I now sacrifice my Kaiser Seahorse that was face-down to summon my Blue-Ice White Knight Dragon [3000/2500]. Now attack him directly,” Screamed Jacob.

 

*Syrus Truesdale**1000*

*Jacob Anderton**5000*

 

“And, I think we have seen enough, class dismissed, but you Jacob will stay behind,” Shouted Dr Crowler.

Everybody started to walk out of the classroom and back to their dorms.

“Now Jacob, I saw what you did back there, if you ever want any help come to my office, by the way, are you in that upcoming tournament?” Asked Dr Crowler.

“Why shouldn’t I be,” Replied Jacob.

As Jacob walked out of the door Crowler was thinking, that boy’s a little bit too good to be a Slifer Red, I wonder if even Jaden can even beat him.

BANG, BANG, BANG

“Coming, oh, hey there Jacob, come in,” Said Jaden.

“Thanks,” Replied Jacob.

“O.K. What can I do you for?” Asked Jaden.

“I was thinking, could you show me than legendary deck of yours?” Asked Jacob.

“Sure,” Replied Jaden.

Jacob look through that deck like he had never seen was Yugioh is before, he went on and on. It looked like he was scanning them with his eyes but in a matter of fact he was scanning them. He had a little scanner in his hair line and was getting information that he needed to defeat Jaden, even with his own cards. While Jacob was doing this Jaden was sitting on a chair watching him then Jaden’s eyes changed as Yubel came in, her spirit just like winged kuriboh was just a faded spirit.

“Jaden, I sense something evil within that child,” Whispered Yubel.

“Yes, me too,” Replied Jaden.

Jacob got up and gave Jaden his deck back. Then he walked out of the door thanking him for letting Jacob look at the cards. Jacob walked out of the Slifer Red dormitories site and walked to the docks. It was 2.00am.

“2 O’clock, time to get to work,” Said Jacob.

He got out his cards and put them all in a special water proof bag where his Laptop and duel disk where, then he dived head first into the water with a big bang. He started to swim and came to a special cave that had been carved in the side of the rock. There was a little room where the water never went in. It wasn’t just more of the cave but it was a special technology room.

 

Chapter 1 part 3/3

 

Jacob climb out of the water and went to dry himself of in the bathroom. When he came back he set up his Laptop on a little desk, he plugged in the little scanner and then he plugged in his duel disk. Then Jaden deck came up on the screen.

“Computer, find me a way to beat these cards,” Whispered Jacob.

Night passed over as the computer was typing up strategies to beat Jaden’s Cards. Jacob decided the best one that can stop all his monsters was this one.

UMI + TORNADO WALL +FIELD BARRIER = WIN

The next day slowly came and Jacob who went back to the Slifer Dorms got up and out of bed. He opened his door and started to run to class, he was late again. After lesson everyone was crowding around a duel going on, it was for the last ticket to the tournament. The tournament was worldwide so there was only a couple of people at duel academy going. Jaden then came around the corner and started to watch,

“Jacob, and.... Syrus,” Said Jaden.

The duel had only just started.....

 

*Jacob Anderton**4000*

*Syrus Truesdale**4000*

 

“My turn and I will summon one card face-down in defence and one card face-down,” Said Jacob.

“My move, I summon one card face-down too, your move,” Replied Syrus

“My turn *Draws*, now I sacrifice my Winged Rhynos to summon Enraged Muka Muka, his effect it he gains 400 ATK & DEF for every card in my hand giving it a grand total of 2400, now attack his face-down card,” Shouted Jacob.

(Truckroid is flipped face-up and destroyed)

“My turn, *Draws*, now I summon Drillroid in attack mode,” Said Syrus

“*Draws*, Now I play monster reborn, so come on back my Winged Rhynos [1800/500] and since that was a special summon, I can still summon a monster, I summon Destroyersaurus [1800/1100], now go my Muka Muka attack his Drillroid, then my Winged Rhynos and Destroyersaurus attack him directly” Shouted Jacob.

 

*Jacob Anderton**4000*

*Syrus Truesdale**0*

 

“I lost, and in my second turn too,” Said Syrus.

Jacob walked over to get his ticket and then walked out of the room as the crowd all moved to one side. Jaden started to suspect something.

The next day came and the whole school was called in to the hall.

“As you all know the world wide tournament will be beginning today at noon, we have a helicopter here waiting for you,” Said Chancellor Sheppard.

All the tournament player boarded the helicopter that took them over to the main island of battle city. They landed in a arena fit for duel, created by Seto Kaiba himself. It was surrounded by a crowd of fans, like Syrus Truesdale and Chumley and Jim. Axel and Alexis. Even the old duellist like Joey and Duke.

The competitor came in a couple of different helicopters, after all the helicopters had landed the speakers went off, the first duel will be Jesse Anderson VS Jacob Anderton.

The duel started....

 

Chapter 2 part 1/3

“O.K. *Draw* Go I will summon my Crystal Beast Cobalt Eagle [1400/800], in defence mode,” Said Jesse.

(An eagle with crystals in it appeared)

“My turn, *Draws* I will summon one card face-down and throw down a face-down, your move again,” Replied Jacob.

“Kay, *Draws* I will summon my Crystal Beast Amethyst Cat [1200/400], now go attack him directly with your effect, then I end my turn,” Shouted Jesse.

(A pink cat appeared and jump right through Jacob like a spirit)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderson**4000*

 

“Just what, I wanted you to do,” Replied Jacob.

“What, why?” Questioned Jesse.

“Because now I can do this, *Draws*, flip summon my Masked Chopper [100/100], then I will equip him with an axe of despair then since my lifepoints are lower than yours I can play Megamorph, rising his attack to 2200, now go and attack,” Screamed Jacob.

(A little mini man appeared with two huge sword and slashed at Jesse’s Amethyst Cat)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderton**3000*

 

“And that’s not all, because when he destroys a monster in battle he inflicts 2000 points of damage,” Said Jacob.

(He took out his swords again and slashed Jesse)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderson**1000*

 

The whole crowd gasps, as Pegasus was looking at Jacob’s ever move.

“Yeah, but know my Cats in my spell card zone and now your Chopper is gone down to 1100, *Draws* I summon my Crystal Beast Topaz Tiger, now attack his monster,” Shouted Jesse.

(A black & White Tiger appeared and attacked then got destroyed)

“Wha, what happened?” Questioned Jesse.

I just played my trap card, Sakuretsu armour, your monster is now destroyed, *Draws*, go I sacrifice my chopper to summon my Enraged Muka Muka, his effect is that he gains 400 attack for every card in my hand, meet a 3200 points monster, go attack his Eagle,” Said Jacob.

(A little blob appeared then attacked Jesse’s eagle)

“My move, *Draws*, I play Crystal Beacon, and since there’s three crystal beasts in my spell&trap card zone I can summon up out a crystal beast, so come on out Crystal Beast Amber Mammoth [1700/1600], now I will summon Crystal Beast Ruby Carbuncle [300/300] then use your effect, now all my Crystal Beasts in the spell&trap zone return to the field in defence, so say hi again to my Crystal Beast Amethyst Cat [1200/400], Crystal Beast Cobalt Eagle [1400/800] and my Crystal Beast Topaz Tiger [1600/1000], your move,” Replied Jesse.

“Nice move, *Draw* Go I summon my Mechanicalchaser [1850/800], now go attack the Amethyst Cat then I attack the Amber Mammoth,” Shouted Jacob.

(A robot with loads of arms appeared and attacked the Crystal Beast Amethyst Cat, then the little blob attack the Amber Mammoth)

“My move, *Draws*, I summon Crystal Beast Emerald Tortoise [600/2000], then I play card destruction, we both now discard our hands to the Graveyard and draw the same amount as we through, *Draws X4*, now go I play Monster reborn to bring back my Crystal Beast Sapphire Pegasus [1800/1200],” Blabbered Jesse.

“Are all your turns that long, *Draws*, I play one card face-down and end my turn,” Said Jacob.

Jacob was thinking, I know that he is going to summon that big monster of his, that face-down is going to stop that.

“My turn *Draws* Go, when I have all 7 – Crystal Beasts out on the field I can summon the almighty Rainbow Dragon [4000/0], shouted Jesse.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,” Laughed Jacob.

“What’s so funny?” Asked Jesse.

“I play my trap, trap hole that is,” Shouted Jacob.

(Rainbow Dragon disappears into a huge hole in the floor)

“I guess it’s my turn now *Draws*, I use Lightning Vortex, now by discarding my Magna-Slash Dragon all of your monsters are destroyed, then I play heavy storm, all of your spell&traps are destroyed, now go my Enraged Muka Muka attack him directly,” Screamed Jacob.

(Jesse was attacked by the blob)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderson**0*

 

“Aar man, I lost,” Said Jesse.

Everyone started to cheer when Jacob won the duel, the announcer spoke out,

“The winner for this round is Jacob Anderton!!!!” Shouted the announcer.

Pegasus wonder, that child has potential to because a great and mighty duellist, I wonder.....

 

Later that Night....

BANG, BANG, BANG

The door to Jacob’s dorm opened up, Pegasus walked in to see Jacob at his table, he walked over to Jacob but he didn’t pay any attention.

“Master Jacob, would you please could we have a little duel,” Asked Pegasus.

Jacob’s computer stopped as Jacob turned around and got out his duel disk and slotted his deck into his duel disk.

“I duel on one condition, I win, I create my own cards,” Said Jacob.

`

[Aozora]

There's some spelling and grammer issues, but other than that it's a good start.

 

You might want to save the card descriptions for after the story, because a lot of times they're cards people already know, and having a huge block of text appearing the story to tell them the effect of a card they know kinda detracts from the experience.

 

I must say, it's a lot better than your old one. That's the power of editing!

[Atomix]

Thanks Aozora

[Aozora]

Welcome. I just say it like it is, though.

[Atomix]

BUMP, come on guys I need more comments before I can continue!!!

[Guest Ixigo]

Full of typoes, grammar and syntax errors, the format is plain-out painful, the flow of the dueling is abrupt and anti-climactic, there is not even a consistency between the tenses you use, and there is... no plot, at all, so far, just random events... no. I don't know if you are a better writer than Supreme Duelist, since apparently he wrote this chapter, but you have to be able to write a lot better than how you post in order to produce something decently readable.

 

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 3/10 (Very serious issues)

-Plot: 2/10 (Nothing, at all)

-Dueling: 6/10 (Eh...)

-Characters: 3/10 (Your original characters are dull and predictable)

-Description: 2/10 (Is totally absent from the fanfic)

 

-Overall: 3.2/10 (I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work)

 

Work on your grammar and syntax, get rid of those annoying *s to transmit actions, and instead actually devote a few words to describe them, so we can get a better feel of what's going on, and focus more on presenting your characters in an interesting and non-cliche manner. That's my advice.

[Atomix]

thanks, about the plot you will get it soon

[Atomix]

Chapter One part 2/3

 

“I’m entering the Duel Academy duelling quest,” Replied the mysterious figure.

He walked off into the darkness.........

The next day.....

 

“Jaden, Jaden Yuki,” Shouted a shadowy voice. “Jaden, you slacker get up now!” Shouted the shadowy voice.

Jaden slowly moved his head up of his desk.

“Sorry Dr Crowler, I was kept up all night, it was that dream,” Said Jaden.

“Well if it’s the one were Chumley talked about grilled cheese then your o.k., but keep up now,” Replied Dr Crowler.

 

Then all of a sudden the doors flung open. A boy came walking in, in a Slifer Red uniform. He walked down to a empty seat next to Jaden Yuki.

“Ah, late I see, you deserve to be in Slifer,” Said Dr Crowler.

The lesson went on further and further.....

“And now we will have a short practice duel, how about Syrus Truesdale, now that you’re in Obelisk Blue I think you will be ready for this, and how about you, late boy,” Asked Dr Crowler.

“Sure,” Replied the Slifer Red student.

The duel had started....

 

*Syrus Truesdale**4000*

*Jacob Anderton**4000*

 

“I’ll start, I draw. *Draws* Just to start, my names Jacob. Now I summon one card face-down and end my turn,” Shouted Jacob.

“Kay, my turn, I draw. *Draws* I summon Drillroid [1600/1600], now attack his face-down card.

A bug type creature is flipped face-up...

“Ha, you just activate my skull-mark ladybug’s effect!!! When it is sent to the Graveyard, I gain 1000 LP

 

*Syrus Truesdale**4000*

*Jacob Anderton**5000*

 

“Now it’s my turn, *Draws* I will summon another face-down card and one card face-down, your turn,” Shouted Jacob

“I draw. *Draws* Err, O.K. Drillroid will attack your face-down card again,” Shouted Syrus.

“You’ve just activated my trap card, Sakuretsu Armor, the attacking monster is now destroyed, my turn *Draws* I now sacrifice my Kaiser Seahorse that was face-down to summon my Blue-Ice White Knight Dragon [3000/2500]. Now attack him directly,” Screamed Jacob.

 

*Syrus Truesdale**1000*

*Jacob Anderton**5000*

 

“And, I think we have seen enough, class dismissed, but you Jacob will stay behind,” Shouted Dr Crowler.

Everybody started to walk out of the classroom and back to their dorms.

“Now Jacob, I saw what you did back there, if you ever want any help come to my office, by the way, are you in that upcoming tournament?” Asked Dr Crowler.

“Why shouldn’t I be,” Replied Jacob.

As Jacob walked out of the door Crowler was thinking, that boy’s a little bit too good to be a Slifer Red, I wonder if even Jaden can even beat him.

BANG, BANG, BANG

“Coming, oh, hey there Jacob, come in,” Said Jaden.

“Thanks,” Replied Jacob.

“O.K. What can I do you for?” Asked Jaden.

“I was thinking, could you show me than legendary deck of yours?” Asked Jacob.

“Sure,” Replied Jaden.

Jacob look through that deck like he had never seen was Yugioh is before, he went on and on. It looked like he was scanning them with his eyes but in a matter of fact he was scanning them. He had a little scanner in his hair line and was getting information that he needed to defeat Jaden, even with his own cards. While Jacob was doing this Jaden was sitting on a chair watching him then Jaden’s eyes changed as Yubel came in, her spirit just like winged kuriboh was just a faded spirit.

“Jaden, I sense something evil within that child,” Whispered Yubel.

“Yes, me too,” Replied Jaden.

Jacob got up and gave Jaden his deck back. Then he walked out of the door thanking him for letting Jacob look at the cards. Jacob walked out of the Slifer Red dormitories site and walked to the docks. It was 2.00am.

“2 O’clock, time to get to work,” Said Jacob.

He got out his cards and put them all in a special water proof bag where his Laptop and duel disk where, then he dived head first into the water with a big bang. He started to swim and came to a special cave that had been carved in the side of the rock. There was a little room where the water never went in. It wasn’t just more of the cave but it was a special technology room.

 

-------------------

Chapter One part 3/3 out soon....

[Atomix]

BUMP

[Atomix]

Sorry for D posting but here is the last short part of chapter 1

 

Chapter 1 part 3/3

 

Jacob climb out of the water and went to dry himself of in the bathroom. When he came back he set up his Laptop on a little desk, he plugged in the little scanner and then he plugged in his duel disk. Then Jaden deck came up on the screen.

“Computer, find me a way to beat these cards,” Whispered Jacob.

Night passed over as the computer was typing up strategies to beat Jaden’s Cards. Jacob decided the best one that can stop all his monsters was this one.

UMI + TORNADO WALL +FIELD BARRIER = WIN

The next day slowly came and Jacob who went back to the Slifer Dorms got up and out of bed. He opened his door and started to run to class, he was late again. After lesson everyone was crowding around a duel going on, it was for the last ticket to the tournament. The tournament was worldwide so there was only a couple of people at duel academy going. Jaden then came around the corner and started to watch,

“Jacob, and.... Syrus,” Said Jaden.

The duel had only just started.....

 

*Jacob Anderton**4000*

*Syrus Truesdale**4000*

 

“My turn and I will summon one card face-down in defence and one card face-down,” Said Jacob.

“My move, I summon one card face-down too, your move,” Replied Syrus

“My turn *Draws*, now I sacrifice my Winged Rhynos to summon Enraged Muka Muka, his effect it he gains 400 ATK & DEF for every card in my hand giving it a grand total of 2400, now attack his face-down card,” Shouted Jacob.

(Truckroid is flipped face-up and destroyed)

“My turn, *Draws*, now I summon Drillroid in attack mode,” Said Syrus

“*Draws*, Now I play monster reborn, so come on back my Winged Rhynos [1800/500] and since that was a special summon, I can still summon a monster, I summon Destroyersaurus [1800/1100], now go my Muka Muka attack his Drillroid, then my Winged Rhynos and Destroyersaurus attack him directly” Shouted Jacob.

 

*Jacob Anderton**4000*

*Syrus Truesdale**0*

 

“I lost, and in my second turn too,” Said Syrus.

Jacob walked over to get his ticket and then walked out of the room as the crowd all moved to one side. Jaden started to suspect something.

The next day came and the whole school was called in to the hall.

“As you all know the world wide tournament will be beginning today at noon, we have a helicopter here waiting for you,” Said Chancellor Sheppard.

All the tournament player boarded the helicopter that took them over to the main island of battle city. They landed in a arena fit for duel, created by Seto Kaiba himself. It was surrounded by a crowd of fans, like Syrus Truesdale and Chumley and Jim. Axel and Alexis. Even the old duellist like Joey and Duke.

The competitor came in a couple of different helicopters, after all the helicopters had landed the speakers went off, the first duel will be Jesse Anderson VS Jacob Anderton.

The duel started....

 

Chapter 2 coming soon, comments ^_^

[Atomix]

BUMP

[Guest Ixigo]

*nods* You have improved a bit. I generally like a bit how you delved into the plot, and there are other pros too... your grammar has improved a bit, although it's still wildly fluctuating, and there are quite a few little improvements here and there.

 

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 4.5/10 (Getting better, still needs work with paragraphing etc)

-Plot: 5/10 (Getting better, still, slow down and explain everything more. Seems pretty rushed)

-Dueling: 7/10 (A tad bit of improvement.)

-Characters: 6.5/10 (I kind of like Jacob, now that you actually took the time to portray him properly... work more on him. But other than that, it's lacking)

-Description: 3/10 (Still a long way to go...)

 

-Overall: 5.2/10 (Passes the base, but still has a lot of room for improvement. Emphasize on detail, slow things down, enlenghten the duels, give some background info)

 

Good job on improving this, keep it up though.

[Atomix]

I'm starting to slow down now, it was just to get you into the fact that Jacob is the best! Now we are starting to get longer as we start to face pro duelist, Chapter 2 part 1/3 out now,

 

Chapter 2 Part 1/3

 

“O.K. *Draw* Go I will summon my Crystal Beast Cobalt Eagle [1400/800], in defence mode,” Said Jesse.

(An eagle with crystals in it appeared)

“My turn, *Draws* I will summon one card face-down and throw down a face-down, your move again,” Replied Jacob.

“Kay, *Draws* I will summon my Crystal Beast Amethyst Cat [1200/400], now go attack him directly with your effect, then I end my turn,” Shouted Jesse.

(A pink cat appeared and jump right through Jacob like a spirit)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderson**4000*

 

“Just what, I wanted you to do,” Replied Jacob.

“What, why?” Questioned Jesse.

“Because now I can do this, *Draws*, flip summon my Masked Chopper [100/100], then I will equip him with an axe of despair then since my lifepoints are lower than yours I can play Megamorph, rising his attack to 2200, now go and attack,” Screamed Jacob.

(A little mini man appeared with two huge sword and slashed at Jesse’s Amethyst Cat)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderton**3000*

 

“And that’s not all, because when he destroys a monster in battle he inflicts 2000 points of damage,” Said Jacob.

(He took out his swords again and slashed Jesse)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderson**1000*

 

The whole crowd gasps, as Pegasus was looking at Jacob’s ever move.

“Yeah, but know my Cats in my spell card zone and now your Chopper is gone down to 1100, *Draws* I summon my Crystal Beast Topaz Tiger, now attack his monster,” Shouted Jesse.

(A black & White Tiger appeared and attacked then got destroyed)

“Wha, what happened?” Questioned Jesse.

I just played my trap card, Sakuretsu armour, your monster is now destroyed, *Draws*, go I sacrifice my chopper to summon my Enraged Muka Muka, his effect is that he gains 400 attack for every card in my hand, meet a 3200 points monster, go attack his Eagle,” Said Jacob.

(A little blob appeared then attacked Jesse’s eagle)

“My move, *Draws*, I play Crystal Beacon, and since there’s three crystal beasts in my spell&trap card zone I can summon up out a crystal beast, so come on out Crystal Beast Amber Mammoth [1700/1600], now I will summon Crystal Beast Ruby Carbuncle [300/300] then use your effect, now all my Crystal Beasts in the spell&trap zone return to the field in defence, so say hi again to my Crystal Beast Amethyst Cat [1200/400], Crystal Beast Cobalt Eagle [1400/800] and my Crystal Beast Topaz Tiger [1600/1000], your move,” Replied Jesse.

“Nice move, *Draw* Go I summon my Mechanicalchaser [1850/800], now go attack the Amethyst Cat then I attack the Amber Mammoth,” Shouted Jacob.

(A robot with loads of arms appeared and attacked the Crystal Beast Amethyst Cat, then the little blob attack the Amber Mammoth)

“My move, *Draws*, I summon Crystal Beast Emerald Tortoise [600/2000], then I play card destruction, we both now discard our hands to the Graveyard and draw the same amount as we through, *Draws X4*, now go I play Monster reborn to bring back my Crystal Beast Sapphire Pegasus [1800/1200],” Blabbered Jesse.

“Are all your turns that long, *Draws*, I play one card face-down and end my turn,” Said Jacob.

Jacob was thinking, I know that he is going to summon that big monster of his, that face-down is going to stop that.

“My turn *Draws* Go, when I have all 7 – Crystal Beasts out on the field I can summon the almighty Rainbow Dragon [4000/0], shouted Jesse.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,” Laughed Jacob.

“What’s so funny?” Asked Jesse.

“I play my trap, trap hole that is,” Shouted Jacob.

(Rainbow Dragon disappears into a huge hole in the floor)

“I guess it’s my turn now *Draws*, I use Lightning Vortex, now by discarding my Magna-Slash Dragon all of your monsters are destroyed, then I play heavy storm, all of your spell&traps are destroyed, now go my Enraged Muka Muka attack him directly,” Screamed Jacob.

(Jesse was attacked by the blob)

 

*Jacob Anderton**3400*

*Jesse Anderson**0*

 

“Aar man, I lost,” Said Jesse.

Everyone started to cheer when Jacob won the duel, the announcer spoke out,

“The winner for this round is Jacob Anderton!!!!” Shouted the announcer.

Pegasus wonder, that child has potential to because a great and mighty duellist, I wonder.....

 

Later that Night....

BANG, BANG, BANG

The door to Jacob’s dorm opened up, Pegasus walked in to see Jacob at his table, he walked over to Jacob but he didn’t pay any attention.

“Master Jacob, would you please could we have a little duel,” Asked Pegasus.

Jacob’s computer stopped as Jacob turned around and got out his duel disk and slotted his deck into his duel disk.

“I duel on one condition, I win, I create my own cards,” Said Jacob.

----------------------------

It may be a little short but It's getting longer, chapter 2 part 2/3 out soon....

[Atomix]

BUMP