Yugioh 5d's - The Three Serpents

[TheRobloxian]

I wont write the plot, it will be clear as you read. This is my first Fanfic.

[spoiler=The New Student]Jakeup was walking to the duel academy when he heard someone roar by. "DAD, CAN YOU GET ME A RIDE TO SCHOOL?" He yelled.His dad zoomed over and said "Sure, why not?"And then Jakeup hoped on the black duel runner.It was Yusei's duel runner, only black with green mixed in with it.Once they got there, Jakeup said "Thanks."And then he ran in.He ran into the class room.The teacher came over and said "Class, here is our new student, Jakeup." Then, Jakeup said "call me Jake." Then, The teacher, Mrs.Roman said"Jake, please sit next to Leo." So Jake sat next to Leo. After class, Leo caught up with Jake right before he walked out of the school."Lets duel" he said. "Just then Luna walked up yo Leo. "He just got here, give him a rest", but then Jake said "Nah, i dont care. I think dueling on the first day would be fun away.Lets meet at my house." And then he ran to his dad's duel runner, jumped on, and then they drove away."Follow me."He said.Then he was gone, Leo and Luna racing after him.Finally they arrived, panting, at a buisness called 'Axel Co.' "My dad's Axel, and he owns a card making buisness, and he made my entire deck. Sweet, huh, to have a customized deck."Jake said.He showed to the back of the buisness building, where the back door stood.He opened the door, then led them into his house, a black R.U.V.[/spoiler]

[TheRobloxian]

[color="#FF0000"][size="5"][font="Impact"]anyone?[/font][/size][/color]

[Squidward Tentacles]

...where to start... waaaaaaaaaaaay too short, wrong format... weak story... not the best...

but, since it's your first fanfic, i won't be hateful.

[TheRobloxian]

the chapters will get bigger as they are made.

[Twig]

[quote name='Clause' timestamp='1301775154' post='5108793']
the chapters will get bigger as they are made.
[/quote]

Learn to separate your paragraphs fist. Then we'll talk.

[TheRobloxian]

im now starting second chapter. heres a sneak peak. Im not yet done with Leo's turn.

[spoiler=Chapter 2 sneak peak]Jake led them to a door at the back, where he then led them to a Old-Fashioned Duel arena.Jake placed his Deck inside the slot, then his machine leaned out, which was shaped like a bullet.Leo did the same, and then his Pumpkin-shaped duel machine leaned out."MY MOVE FIRST!!!" Jake yelled. He drew a card."COME OUT, MAFIA SHARP SHOT!!"He yelled, as a man with a brown leather jacket, a white t-shirt with a red little tie, and a Brown hat, like the ones on mafia members, also with a black rifle in one hand..Attack: 1900. "I end with one facedown." he said. [/spoiler] Remember, ONLY A SNEAK PEAK!!!

[CrabHelmet]

[b]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.

With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b]

Since my first review seems to have been met with some moderate positive reaction, I thought it worthwhile to add a second review, despite the negative effects it would obviously have on my mental health and the fact that doing so would cut into the time I would otherwise be spending finishing the sixth season of Battlestar Galactica. (Incidentally, how does Admiral Adama being a Cylon make any frakking sense? He could have destroyed the fleet any time he wanted, and didn't Doctor Cottle already inspect him back in the first season?) But since President Biden's new digital copyright regulations have interrupted my torrents, I suppose I may as well return to bad anime fanfiction (as opposed to bad sci-fi canon).

And since this is a single block of text with no paragraph breaks, I have no doubt that it will be awful.

[i]Jakeup[/i]

But forget formatting issues; I think the very first word of this story is alone sufficient to testify to its quality. This is the name of our protagonist? It looks more like a typo, or a result of my attempt to play Scrabble.

[i]was walking to the duel academy when he heard someone roar by. "DAD, CAN YOU GET ME A RIDE TO SCHOOL?" He yelled.His dad zoomed over and said "Sure, why not?[/i]

YUGIOH 5D'S - THE THREE SERPENTS! BEHOLD THE EPIC ADVENTURE OF A KID GETTING A RIDE TO SCHOOL FROM HIS DAD!

Anyhow, it's a good thing that, after his father roared by, Jakeup (Seriously? Jakeup?) was able to recognize the rider and call out a long sentence to him quickly enough that his father would be able to hear him over the "roar" despite having already "roared by" before Jakeup even started speaking. Kind of odd that Jakeup and his father seem to have that sort of psychic connection, yet Jakeup started walking to school with his father instead of just riding with him all the way from home. It's almsot as if absolutely no thought was put into this scene.

[i]And then Jakeup hoped on the black duel runner.It was Yusei's duel runner, only black with green mixed in with it.[/i]

It's a good thing that you reminded us it was black, since I had completely forgotten that you had said it was black in the previous sentence. Also, I love how the description is "IT'S LIKE THE 5D'S HERO'S RIDE ONLY THE COLORS ARE MORE EXTREEEEEME!"

And no, I didn't screw up the formatting here; the idiot who wrote this (maybe Clause called his protagonist Jakeup because both of their names look like typos?) doesn't put spaces after periods.

Yet he fancies himself a writer.

Be afraid.

[i]Once they got there, Jakeup said "Thanks."And then he ran in.He ran into the class room.[/i]

BUY A JAKEUP ACTION FIGURE TODAY! REAL ENTERING-CLASSROOM ACTION! AUTHENTIC STUPID NAME!

[i]The teacher came over and said "Class, here is our new student, Jakeup." Then, Jakeup said "call me Jake."[/i]

My name is Jake. Just Jake. I can't tell you my last name. Or where I live. It's too dangerous. Because if the Yeerks find us, then oh gods a horrifying thought just occurred to me - what if Jakeup is supposed to be named Jacob, and Clause is just too stupid to spell Jacob?

[i]Then, The teacher, Mrs.Roman said"Jake, please sit next to Leo." So Jake sat next to Leo.[/i]

You know, it's a good thing that Clause decided to document every detail of Jakeup's everyday life in the most incredibly redundant style imaginable. The only possible valid reason for ever writing those two sentences together is for the next sentence to be "You lose, Jake, I didn't say Simon Says."

[i]After class, Leo caught up with Jake right before he walked out of the school."Lets duel" he said.[/i]

Honestly, this reads more like a parody of fanfics than anything else. It's a common criticism of Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfiction that people tend to say "Let's duel" where most people would introduce themselves and shake hands, but rarely is that quite so literally true.

[i]"Just then Luna walked up yo Leo. "He just got here, give him a rest",[/i]

Does this look like proper English to you, you moron? Does this look even remotely sensible?

Also, lolhejustgottoaschoolwhosesolefocusisduelingaskingforadueliscompletelyunreasonable

[i]but then Jake said "Nah, i dont care. I think dueling on the first day would be fun away.Lets meet at my house." And then he ran to his dad's duel runner, jumped on, and then they drove away.[/i]

...abandoning his father, who we have clearly established to be the one who normally uses the bike for transportation.

[i]"Follow me."He said.Then he was gone, Leo and Luna racing after him.[/i]

Even though Jakeup's bike was already established as being capable of handling multiple riders.

And even though the level of unnecessary detail this story goes into regarding minutiae makes it clear that, if Leo and Luna had bikes of their own, those bikes would have been explicitly mentioned. So Jakeup's riding ahead while these two scramble to follow on foot, even though he could easily have carried them.

Jakeup's name isn't the only reason he does not deserve to be our protagonist.

[i]Finally they arrived, panting, at a buisness[/i]

SPELLCHECKERS

USE THEM

[i]called 'Axel Co.' "My dad's Axel, and he owns a card making buisness, and he made my entire deck. Sweet, huh, to have a customized deck."Jake said.[/i]

...

Where do I begin?

Jakeup's father is conveniently the owner of a card game company, which - based on Jakeup's wording (Axel isn't a surname, since otherwise Jakeup would be an Axel too) - is named after his first name. That's like having a real company named Steve Co. And despite being the owner of a company, he also apparently works at Duel Academy, since he left his bike there... but his company is based in his home. CONSISTENCY!

Our protagonist, Jakeup, did not design his deck. His father designed it for him. Jakeup has no deckbuilding skills whatsoever; someone else makes his dueling decks for him. And yet, in a story built on card game skill, Jakeup is our hero.

And the comment about having a customized deck seems to imply that nobody else has a unique deck, as if everyone else in the world just used pre-packaged structure decks and completely ignored the card trading and deckbuilding aspect of the card game. Of course, in reality, Jakeup is the only duelist who received his deck pre-built from the card game company instead of building it himself, which means that Jakeup actually has the least customized deck in the world.

And yet he, and by extension the author, is so stupid that he realizes none of this.

[i]He showed to the back of the buisness building, where the back door stood.He opened the door,[/i]

Of course, maybe the reason he realizes none of this is that he's too busy confirming that the door at the back of the building is, in fact, the back door to bother thinking about how pathetic it is that he's training to become a professional player of card games and yet is so incompetent that he can't even build a deck without having his daddy do it for him.

[i]then led them into his house, a black R.U.V.[/i]

I... don't actually know what that means, and Wikipedia's only entry on RUV is about an Icelandic public broadcasting organization, but that's fine, because it means I'm done with this tra-

[i]im now starting second chapter. heres a sneak peak.[/i]

Ye gods, why?

No, that "why" isn't just a cry of despair. It's a serious question: Why? Why are you posting an unfinished fragment of a chapter that you haven't had a chance to polish? Why are you deluding yourself into believing that you have fans who are so eager to read your verbal diarrhea that they'll be chomping at the bit to see this "sneak peak"? Why has your computer not decided to melt its keyboard off in order to stop you from applying your stupid little fingers to it?

But let's see what your "sneak peak" is offering us:

[i]Jake led them to a door at the back, where he then led them to a Old-Fashioned Duel arena.Jake placed his Deck inside the slot, then his machine leaned out, which was shaped like a bullet.Leo did the same, and then his Pumpkin-shaped duel machine leaned out."MY MOVE FIRST!!!" Jake yelled. He drew a card."COME OUT, MAFIA SHARP SHOT!!"He yelled, as a man with a brown leather jacket, a white t-shirt with a red little tie, and a Brown hat, like the ones on mafia members, also with a black rifle in one hand..Attack: 1900. "I end with one facedown." he said.[/i]

Oh, it's more bad description, obsession with unimportant details, lack of characterization, abysmal grammar, and a total absence of redeeming qualities. That's not a sneak peak of chapter two; that's a rehash of chapter one.

Let me make my final verdict as unambiguous as possible: Clause, you suck. You are a colossal moron, and you suck. Your grammar is barely readable, and you suck. You spend all your time reciting mundane actions instead of saying anything worth reading, and you suck. Your characters have no personality at all, and you suck. Your story has no plot at all, and you suck. Your story has no logical consistency, and you suck. Your prose is atrocious, and you suck. Your protagonist is completely unlikeable, and you suck. Your protagonist is named "Jakeup", and you suck. You suck, and you suck. You suck. Everything about you sucks. Everything about your writing sucks. This story has no redeeming qualities. You have no redeeming qualities.

Never infect this forum with your delusions of competency again. Because even by YCM standards, you suck.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

And don't go against Crab.

[Catterjune]

I go to an engineering school, so just about everyone always has a laptop on them all the time, including the teachers. I assume, for the few that don't or want to travel light or something there's a computer lab on the 7th floor and computers in the library.

So anyway, Leo, Luna, and Jakeup (lawl) go to a duel academy, an entire school focused on dueling. Why the hell would they have to go all the way back to Axel Co to have a duel when this takes place at a time where duel disks are plentiful!? I don't know much about the 5D's version of the duel academy (since I have no time for anime) but if it's anything like a real school, there's more then likely someone with a disk to loan or a room that has cheap and quick disks for borrowing.

It's like if I wanted to show someone a quick youtube video but instead of asking a friend to borrow his laptop for a second or going to the 7th floor, we took the train to go to my house just so I could show them on my home computer. I mean, sure if they were a close friend and they were coming to my house anyway it wouldn't really be such a weird thing, but these guys just met.

... Oh and, you're a terrible writer. Please don't write anything ever again.

[CrabHelmet]

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1301844500' post='5110957']
I go to an engineering school, so just about everyone always has a laptop on them all the time, including the teachers. I assume, for the few that don't or want to travel light or something there's a computer lab on the 7th floor and computers in the library.

So anyway, Leo, Luna, and Jakeup (lawl) go to a duel academy, an entire school focused on dueling. Why the hell would they have to go all the way back to Axel Co to have a duel when this takes place at a time where duel disks are plentiful!? I don't know much about the 5D's version of the duel academy (since I have no time for anime) but if it's anything like a real school, there's more then likely someone with a disk to loan or a room that has cheap and quick disks for borrowing.

It's like if I wanted to show someone a quick youtube video but instead of asking a friend to borrow his laptop for a second or going to the 7th floor, we took the train to go to my house just so I could show them on my home computer. I mean, sure if they were a close friend and they were coming to my house anyway it wouldn't really be such a weird thing, but these guys just met.

... Oh and, you're a terrible writer. Please don't write anything ever again.
[/quote]
I assumed Jakeup just left his deck at home, so he needed to go home to fetch it. Of course, then that raises questions about why you would go to school without your deck...

[Catterjune]

Leaving his deck at home makes a bit more sense I suppose. As for why he'd go to school without his deck, I suppose because he's an idiot is enough to suffice. Why the twins bother to follow him is weird... though I think I recall an episode where Luna was taken in by some charming younger fellow and Leo had to investigate and protect her or something so them going to a guys house after just meeting him isn't so preposterous.

... But then again, if my response and reasoning and all that is longer then your entire fic there's a bit of problem.

[TheRobloxian]

this was my first fanfic. did you actually expect it to be perfect? plus, someone on my bus is named Jakeup and its spelled that way too. atleast i actually respect people.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Actually we hope it's not perfect so Crab can review it.

[TheRobloxian]

Its still my first, did you actually expect it to be great?

[CrabHelmet]

You're the one who chose to post it. If your story is too awful to be worth reading, don't post it on the internet.

[TheRobloxian]

Im a newbie at writing stories. What did you expect? Newbies always think their first stories are good, until someone points out the errors to improve the writers.

[Squidward Tentacles]

well, maybe you should get a beta reader first.