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Yu-Gi-Oh! GX: The Next Generation! (PG-13)

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Squidward Tentacles

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[spoiler='Episode 1']Welcome to the Academy! (Part 1) Mizuo Yuki was having the most vivid dream. He was running through a field with his favorite duel monster, Elemental Hero Storm Neos, given to him by his father, the legendary Jaden Yuki. And today, he was going to try out for the same Academy his father went to, Duel Academy. But suddenly, his best friend, Blaze Truesdale, shook him awake, saying, "Yo! Mizuo, get up! Get up!" Mizuo bolted upright in his chair, yawned sleepily, and brushed a strand of brown hair out of his face, and said, "Huh?" Blaze threw his head back, and sighed.



"For God's sake, Mizuo!" Blaze shouted irritatedly. "You're up next for the Practical Exams!" Mizuo threw his head back, and felt like he wanted to scream. "Who am I supposed to face?" He asked quietly. As Blaze said the words, Mizuo's mouth ran dry. "Skyler Rhodes." Blaze said quietly. "Sky?!" Mizuo queried. "I can't believe I have to face my cousin..." "I know... especially since you've never been able to beat him before." Blaze said, half-laughing, half-very concerned. "Blaze, you don't gotta say it [i]that[/i] way!" Mizuo bellowed angrily.



"Yuki, Mizuo!" Said a voice over loudspeaker, signaling that it was time for Mizuo's duel against Skyler. As he strolled onto the duel arena, Skyler Rhodes, a boy of about nineteen years old, with light brown hair, with indigo eyes, and wearing a purple jacket, and jeans. "Well, well, Mizuo..." The boy said smoothly. "It's been a while, hasn't it? You've certainly grown..." "Enough small talk, Skyler," Mizuo growled. "Let's get this over with..." They activated their duel disks, and their life point counter went up to 8000. Simultaneously, they yelled at each other, "Duel!" And proceeded with their duel.



"You can go first," Mizuo spat. "Cousin..." Skyler brushed a long strand of brown hair out of his face and smiled. "Thank you..." He murmured, drawing a card from his deck. "I'll start out by summoning Aurkus, Lightsworn Druid (1200 ATK/1800 DEF) in Attack Position." A man with white hair, a red shield, and a red-and-white jumpsuit appeared. "Next, I'll place two cards face-down, and end my turn." Skyler discarded the top two cards from his deck, because of Aurkus, and then, a bright light began to shine from his graveyard slot. "Ooh..." Skyler mused. "I guess I get to activate the effect of my Wulf, Lightsworn Beast (2100 ATK/300 DEF)! I get to summon it in Attack Position!" A very large beast with white fur carrying an axe appeared. "Well well..." Mizuo murmured softly. "Still using the same Lightsworn deck, eh?" Mizuo stared down the monsters standing before him. "Well... I've learned their weaknesses and are ready to exploit them..."



"My tun!" Mizuo shouted, drawing a card from his deck. "I'll start out by activating Polymerization! I fuse Elemental Hero Avian (1000 ATK/1000 DEF) and Elemental Hero Burstinatrix (1200 ATK/800 DEF) to summon Elemental Hero Flame Wingman (2100 ATK/1200 DEF) in Attack Position!" A large,red colored humanoid with wings, and a red dragon on his right arm. "Next, I activate my Spell Card, Graceful Charity! I get to draw three cards, but then I have to discard two cards!" He drew two cards from his deck, then tossed two from his hand. "Heh," He chuckled. "Guess what one of the cards I discarded was..." A transparent silhouette of a red humanoid, and Skyler gasped. "Oh, no!" Skyler shouted. "Not Necroshade!" Mizuo laughed. "And guess what card I just drew!"



Skyler wore a shocked expression, and mouthed, "Bladedge..." Mizuo grinned mischievously, and nodded. "Now, I summon Elemental Hero Bladedge (2600 ATK/1800 DEF) in Attack Position! Next, I activate Kishido Spirit! Now, if one of my cards has the same ATK as one of your cards and they do battle, mine isn't destroyed!" Mizuo laughed. "Now, Flame Wingman! Attack! Destroy Wulf!" The red humanoid surged toward the beast, and the humanoid burned the beast. Then, it turned on Skyler. "Well, Skyler..." Mizuo mused maliciously. "You haven't forgot about Wingman's effect, have you?" Skyler shook his head. Then, the red humanoid let loose a torrent of flames at Skyler. (Mizuo: 8000 LP/Skyler: 6900 LP) "Well, Mizuo..." Skyler said, smiling. "You've certainly come a long way since we last dueled."



To be continued... [/spoiler]
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evilfusion Newbie

evilfusion

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Got to agree with Zarkus here. It introduces nothing that all other GX fics don't already do. Actually, almost all fics start with something generic like entrance exams. So do most GX/Duel Academy RPs. Needless to say, most die in a surprisingly short time.

Generic itself isn't bad, it's what else the story or character has to offer that pushes it from "bland" to "interesting".

Jaden's son runs the same archetype? That's just plain dull. I'm pretty sure even hardened GX fans are sick to death of the plain old Fusion Heroes that Jaden ran before selling out for Neos.

Math error: Flame Wingman inflicted 2100 damage, which from 8000 would drop to 5900, not 6900. Unless I missed something from skimming, that's an error.
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evilfusion Newbie

evilfusion

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I am aware. We all start from somewhere. So a few complimentary criticisms.

- Why are all the characters so far descendants of the canon characters? This actually implies that the cast of the original GX got married and had kids at roughly the same time, and that's a bit unlikely.

- I gathered that Skyler is Atticus' son, since Mizuo called him "cousin", meaning he (Mizuo) is the spawn of Jaden x Alexis. So...Jaden and Alexis got married(?) and had a kid at roughly the same time that Atticus did? And Syrus also had a kid at about the same time.

They were maybe 17-18 when GX ended. Starting successful relationships all at the same time is just plain weird, especially since Jaden x Alexis is probably the closest thing to an official pairing that we have, and it was never actually pursued.
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Squidward Tentacles Newbie

Squidward Tentacles

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[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1300844278' post='5090691']
I am aware. We all start from somewhere. So a few complimentary criticisms.

- Why are all the characters so far descendants of the canon characters? This actually implies that the cast of the original GX got married and had kids at roughly the same time, and that's a bit unlikely.

- I gathered that Skyler is Atticus' son, since Mizuo called him "cousin", meaning he (Mizuo) is the spawn of Jaden x Alexis. So...Jaden and Alexis got married(?) and had a kid at roughly the same time that Atticus did? And Syrus also had a kid at about the same time.

They were maybe 17-18 when GX ended. Starting successful relationships all at the same time is just plain weird, especially since Jaden x Alexis is probably the closest thing to an official pairing that we have, and it was never actually pursued.
[/quote]

well, this is about 10-15 years after GX, and like I said, Skyler's 19, and Mizuo and Blaze are only 14, so, not quite. Anyway, so far it's only been chosen for Mizuo and Blaze, the others are mostly going to be original characters. Some may be the same, though. And thank you. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
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CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

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[b]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.

With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b]

Hello, everyone. I've been away from this forum for quite some time - the last thing I remember before leaving was some girl named Draco Straybyrn being promoted to Super Moderator - but I thought I'd come back to check out how things were going.

Ye gods, things are bad.

I mean, I'm not sure what I expected, since fanfics have always been a shambles, but some of the things posted here are just pitiful.

So, since I have myself a recording studio and quite an overflow of snark, I thought I'd try my hand at tearing these things apart while helping the authors see what they're doing wrong and providing some measure of entertainment to bystanders. I'd say to go easy on me because this is my first time, but I'm willing to post this because I'm confident that it will be worth reading, and I know that no matter how badly this goes, I'll always look better than whatever nonsense I'm reviewing. So let's get started, shall we?

[i][u]Yu-Gi-Oh! GX: The Next Generation![/u][/i]

...can we go read something else? Even the presence of two exclamation marks can't save this from being the blandest title I've ever seen. It's a completely stock way of denoting a sequel series (see also: Star Trek, Degrassi, Meerkat Manor, Roots), and because GX is known to stand for Generation Next - presumably that sounds less stupid if you don't actually speak a word of English - what this title really says is "Yu-Gi-Oh! Generation Next: The Next Generation". Forget the people who get upset when people say "ATM machine" because it's redundant; this title is like saying "ATM automatic teller machine". Oh, and there have already been loads of fanfics with this exact same title.

So, we're not even past the title yet and we've already hit strong signs of blandness, unoriginality, and stupidity.

[i]Episode 1[/i]

And the blandness just gets blander when the first chapter - I'm sorry, "episode", since the author wants to pretend he's writing a televised screenplay instead of a fanfic that nobody will read - doesn't even have a title.

[i]Welcome to the Academy! (Part 1) Mizuo Yuki was having the most vivid dream.[/i]

...and by "doesn't even have a title", I apparently mean "has a title placed in the actual body of the story because the author hasn't figured out the complex intricacies of pressing enter to start a new line".

To be fair, though, I should give General Blaze credit for eventually figuring out how paragraph breaks work and actually using them occasionally. I've seen some stories that are just solid blocks of text with no formatting at all.

[i]He was running through a field with his favorite duel monster, Elemental Hero Storm Neos, given to him by his father, the legendary Jaden Yuki. And today, he was going to try out for the same Academy his father went to, Duel Academy.[/i]

So, his entire dream was... running through a field? That's kind of a lame dream. I mean, I don't usually remember my dreams, but when I do, it's usually pretty crazy stuff like I'm running through a multi-level garden complex from some unseen monster while also trying to prepare for my complex analysis exam or something. And when I find something containing the words "complex analysis" to be far, far more "vivid" than whatever you're describing, you're doing something very wrong.

Oh, and great, our protagonist is a blood relative of a canon character and has an evolved - and much more situational, which is saying a lot - version of said canon character's trademark card as his own. And is about to begin the adventure in exactly the same way said canon character did. The originality is really through the roof here. The only good thing I can really say is that General Blaze did at least resist the temptation to name our hero after the author himself, because that would be just plain stupi-

[i]But suddenly, his best friend, Blaze Truesdale, shook him awake, saying, "Yo! Mizuo, get up! Get up!"[/i]

...you know, somehow I'm not surprised that General Blaze is the sort of person who would say "Yo".

[i]Mizuo bolted upright in his chair, yawned sleepily,[/i]

Now, since my boyfriend is studying creative writing and literature was never my worst subject, I've picked up a few pointers on how to write strong prose over the years, and the first of these pointers is this: don't write things that sound unspeakably retarded.

Oh, did he yawn sleepily? As opposed to what other type of yawn? Even a yawn of boredom only indicates boredom because it means "I'm so bored I could fall asleep", and in the context of "Mizuo was asleep one sentence ago", how many readers are going to ascribe other motivations for the yawn?

[i]and brushed a strand of brown hair out of his face,[/i]

Here's another tip: describing your character and stating your character's hair color are not the same thing.

[i]and said, "Huh?" Blaze threw his head back, and sighed.



"For God's sake, Mizuo!" Blaze shouted irritatedly.[/i]

Maybe I spoke too soon when I said that General Blaze figured out how paragraph breaks work. You're supposed to leave one blank line between paragraphs, not three. Do you not have eyes or something?

Anyhow, let's try to picture this scene for a moment. Blaze throws his head back dramatically, then sighs dramatically... and then he starts shouting (irritatedly)? If he's so angry and things are so urgent that he needs to shout (irritatedly!), then why didn't he just shout (in an irritated manner) in the first place instead of going through all these overdramatic gestures before shouting (with irritation)? As it turns out, the answer is very simple:

[i]"You're up next for the Practical Exams!" Mizuo threw his head back,[/i]

General Blaze just doesn't know any choreography beyond having characters dramatically throw their heads back. I'm fairly certain that any onlookers would think these two were headbanging to some bad techno.

And believe it or not, this is the point where the prose quality really takes a nosedive. I really should be interrupting it every five words, but in order to give you a full sense of how bad this is, I'm going to post the rest of this paragraph uninterrupted.

[i]and felt like he wanted to scream. "Who am I supposed to face?" He asked quietly. As Blaze said the words, Mizuo's mouth ran dry. "Skyler Rhodes." Blaze said quietly. "Sky?!" Mizuo queried. "I can't believe I have to face my cousin..." "I know... especially since you've never been able to beat him before." Blaze said, half-laughing, half-very concerned. "Blaze, you don't gotta say it [b]that[/b] way!" Mizuo bellowed angrily.[/i]

(Note: the bolded "that" was italicized, not bolded, in the original story.)

Wow. Just wow. This is... amazing. You have to really put effort into writing this badly.

Every single line here is so overdramatic that I keep expecting to hear thunderclaps in the background or have a sudden cut away to the [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi0WNg40"]Dramatic Gopher[/url] whipping around. It's like every bad melodramatic soap opera ever was condensed into a single paragraph.

Nobody here is reacting even remotely naturally to anything. Mizuo's duel that will begin his adventure and that he's been looking forward to for ages is now approaching? He wants to scream, and then asks who his opponent is in a dramatic whisper - and the response, delivered in a similar dramatic whisper, makes his mouth go dry with sheer dramatic horror. Then, I'm assuming, there's a zoom in on their wide, horrified eyes while lightning flashes in the background and the orchestra swells.

Let's put it this way: if this chapter is an "episode", then Mizuo and Blaze are both played by William Shatner.

Unfortunately, since this chapter isn't an episode, we have to put up with General Blaze's inept attempts at describing things. Blaze was "half-very concerned"? How can you write that and think that that sounds even half-not awful? If you're using constructions like "half-whatever", you can't put modifiers like "very" in the middle, since it sounds incredibly awkward - it's not the "very" that's being halved here. In fact, if there's one modifier you definitely can't splice in there, it's "very", since if whatever concern he has is mild enough to merit a "half-", then it certainly isn't strong enough to merit a "very". It's like saying "he was kinda sorta mildly terrified out of his wits"; if you're not doing it as a joke, you're doing something very wrong.

And then there's the bellowing angrily, which is like shouting irritatedly except it makes both the character and the reader a bit less irritated and a bit more angry, and which was presumably inserted because neither of these characters has any volume level other than "whisper" and "shout", in the same way that John Freeman has no movement speeds other than "walk fast" and "backflip".

And then there's the word "queried", which to anyone fluent in English makes the whole sentence go clunk like a brick hitting a thing that makes a clunk sound when hit by a brick. Yes, using the word "said" every time someone speaks isn't necessarily the best writing, but no, replacing it with random synonyms that don't flow properly and don't even really make sense (that's clearly an exclamation of surprise, not a query) is not the solution. Better to have something written blandly than written painfully.

But enough nitpicking about the actual prose quality. Maybe English isn't General Blaze's first language, and yet he still decided to post this without obtaining a proofreader with some degree of fluency. Or maybe General Blaze suffered brain damage that impaired the language center of his brain, and the fact that he posted this without an undamaged proofreader can be attributed to damage to his not-being-an-idiot center as well. In any event, he may not be the best at constructing English sentences, but that doesn't mean he can't concoct epic stories, and in the end, you people come for the plot and hope that the writing style just doesn't get in the way too much. So what sort of brilliant plot do you have in store for us, General Blaze?

Well, so far, we have the kids of the canon characters going to school just like the canon characters, except apparently Duel Academy is run by such idiots that people now play against their cousins for the entrance examination despite the blatant conflict of interest. That's right, the one original element so far is that the plot makes less sense than the plot of the source material. This is the same source material that gave us such gems as "Help! My trading card is the Grim Reaper!" and "Let's spend an entire season trying to rip off Evangelion but sucking at it".

[i]"Yuki, Mizuo!" Said[/i]

I can't quite explain it, but for some reason seeing the word "Said" here capitalized unnecessarily bothers me more than it should. Not really sure why.

[i]a voice over loudspeaker, signaling that it was time for Mizuo's duel against Skyler. As he strolled onto the duel arena, Skyler Rhodes, a boy of about nineteen years old, with light brown hair, with indigo eyes, and wearing a purple jacket, and jeans.[/i]

Yes? What about Skyler Rhodes, a boy with a description consisting entirely of a list of colors? Try using verbs next time.

[i]"Well, well, Mizuo..." The boy said smoothly. "It's been a while, hasn't it? You've certainly grown..."[/i]

Skyler: "It's been years since we've seen each other and thus at least as long since we've dueled, and yet you still quake in fear over not having been able to beat me in the past, indicating that you've shown no improvement whatsoever after all this time. Remind me, how come you're the protagonist?"

[i]"Enough small talk, Skyler," Mizuo growled. "Let's get this over with..." They activated their duel disks, and their life point counter went up to 8000. Simultaneously, they yelled at each other, "Duel!" And proceeded with their duel.



"You can go first," Mizuo spat.[/i]

Mizuo: "I tremble in fear at your very name and yet I still yield the first turn to you!"

And yes, the ridiculously large blanks between paragraphs look exactly as daft in the original as they do here.

[i]"Cousin..." Skyler brushed a long strand of brown hair out of his face and smiled. "Thank you..." He murmured, drawing a card from his deck.[/i]

Wasn't it Mizuo who previously "brushed a strand of brown hair out of his face"? Does everyone in this story have exactly the same mannerisms? I'm expecting Skyler to throw his head back next.

But that "Cousin..." *dramatic gesture* "Thank you..." seems awfully odd compared to Mizuo's attitude. Mizuo clearly despises Skyler now, but Skyler, on the other hand, seems oddly pleased to see Mizuo again. Throw in his murmured thanks, and this line takes on an almost sensual tone. I rather get the impression that Mizuo and Skyler were once secretly lovers, but parted on rather poor terms, leading to Mizuo's current attitude, even though Skyler still likes him.

[i]"I'll start out by summoning Aurkus, Lightsworn Druid (1200 ATK/1800 DEF) in Attack Position." A man with white hair, a red shield, and a red-and-white jumpsuit appeared. "Next, I'll place two cards face-down, and end my turn." Skyler discarded the top two cards from his deck, because of Aurkus, and then, a bright light began to shine from his graveyard slot. "Ooh..." Skyler mused.[/i]

Skyler: "Ooh, yes... yes, this is amazing... I love... 'dueling' with you, Mizuo..."

[i]"I guess I get to activate the effect of my Wulf, Lightsworn Beast (2100 ATK/300 DEF)! I get to summon it in Attack Position!" A very large beast with white fur carrying an axe appeared. "Well well..." Mizuo murmured softly. "Still using the same Lightsworn deck, eh?" Mizuo stared down the monsters standing before him. "Well... I've learned their weaknesses and are ready to exploit them..."[/i]

Mizuo: "Even though their weakness is really obvious, it took me forever to figure out that the massive card discarding effects can really backfire, and even though they rely on massive amounts of luck, I was never able to beat them before."

Skyler: "You can exploit my weaknesses any time, Mizuo..."

Mizuo: "Although, it is odd that I've spent all this time trying to figure out Skyler's weakness and prepared my deck specifically to handle his even though I had no idea that I'd be seeing him here again today... somehow, I just can't seem to get him out of my head..."

Skyler: "You can handle my deck any time, Mizuo... and I love it when I'm inside your head..."

Alright, alright, I'll stop.

[i]"My tun!" Mizuo shouted, drawing a card from his deck. "I'll start out by activating Polymerization! I fuse Elemental Hero Avian (1000 ATK/1000 DEF) and Elemental Hero Burstinatrix (1200 ATK/800 DEF) to summon Elemental Hero Flame Wingman (2100 ATK/1200 DEF) in Attack Position!" A large,red colored humanoid with wings, and a red dragon on his right arm.[/i]

Well, it's good to see that this is an extremely innovative story that isn't just a mindless rehash of GX with the names changed to allow for more self-insertion, because that would obviously be stupid.

[i]"Next, I activate my Spell Card, Graceful Charity! I get to draw [b]three[/b] cards, but then I have to discard two cards!" He drew [b]two[/b] cards from his deck,[/i]

It's obvious that General Blaze didn't want to read this boring duel, so why should I?

[i]then tossed two from his hand. "Heh," He chuckled. "Guess what one of the cards I discarded was..." A transparent silhouette of a red humanoid, and Skyler gasped. "Oh, no!" Skyler shouted. "Not Necroshade!"[/i]

"That's one of the most powerful cards in all of-" never mind, I'd rather be making more slash jokes than quoting the Abridged Series.

[i]Mizuo laughed. "And guess what card I just drew!"[/i]

I'm going to guess "Summon Incredibly Awkwardly Used Descriptive Words That Just Make The Story Sound Silly".

[i]Skyler wore a shocked expression, and mouthed, "Bladedge..." Mizuo grinned mischievously, and nodded.[/i]

To be fair, that's also my guess for every card in both their decks.

[i]"Now, I summon Elemental Hero Bladedge (2600 ATK/1800 DEF) in Attack Position! Next, I activate Kishido Spirit! Now, if one of my cards has the same ATK as one of your cards and they do battle, mine isn't destroyed!" Mizuo laughed.[/i]

Mizuo: "Yes, after years of study, I've discovered the ultimate weakness of Lightsworn monsters: Kishido Spirit. Never mind that that card is trash at the best of times and is almost strictly inferior to The A. Forces in a Warrior deck like mine, Kishido Spirit is the answer!"

[i]"Now, Flame Wingman! Attack! Destroy Wulf!" The red humanoid surged toward the beast, and the humanoid burned the beast. Then, it turned on Skyler. "Well, Skyler..." Mizuo mused maliciously. "You haven't forgot about Wingman's effect, have you?" Skyler shook his head.[/i]

Skyler: "Come on, I've seen GX. I've seen its effect about a thousand times now."

[i]Then, the red humanoid let loose a torrent of flames at Skyler. (Mizuo: 8000 LP/Skyler: [b]6900[/b] LP)[/i]

8000 - 2100 = ???

For the record, this is the fourth time in about a paragraph that Flame Wingman has been referred to as a (red) humanoid. I know you don't want to just call him by name each time you refer to him, but when you use the same awkward construction every time, it just sounds even worse. Oh, and for added confusion, General Blaze also referred to Necroshade as a red humanoid - the exact same awkward construction used to describe someone completely different.

This seriously feels like it was written by someone who has never read before.

[i]"Well, Mizuo..." Skyler said, smiling. "You've certainly come a long way since we last dueled."[/i]

Skyler: "You always find new ways to surprise me, Mizuo. Always."

[i]To be continued...[/i]

Not in my book, it isn't. And not in the books of anyone else who bothered to read this nonsense, either.

See, if you want anyone to care about your story, you need to give them a reason to care. Your characters are all bland, self-inserts, and completely devoid of interesting characteristics to people who aren't obsessive slash shippers; what little plot you have makes no sense and is copied right from GX itself; and this has clearly been proofread neither by yourself nor by anyone fluent in the English language, given the obvious errors in it and how painful it is to read. Seriously, until you get yourself a ghostwriter or several years of experience with English, I honestly have to recommend that you just plain not post any more stories, because your prose is just so fundamentally broken that even with decent plot and characters your work would still be impossible to read without the aid of painkillers.

But hey, let's see what else was going through your head when you were writing this:

[i]anyway, it's kind of short because I had to get off in a hurry. [/i]

And you needed to post it this very day... why? Did you have a crowd of screaming fans who would have rioted if this wasn't online by 22 March? Take your time and wait until you've actually had time to create a story with some degree of actual quality before posting. If your story sucks, then nobody will want to read it, and you'll just end up looking like an idiot.

Your own crippling impatience is no excuse for your cripplingly awful writing.

And what do you have to say about the lack of plot?

[i]hey, this is just the first episode. It's still the entrance exams.[/i]

So let me ask you this: why are you showing the entrance exams if there is no plot of note in them? If a student is in Duel Academy, we can be fairly certain that they passed their exams; if the exams contain nothing of interest (and trust me, they don't), then showing them is a waste of everyone's time. And if your first two chapters are a complete waste of time, you're not going to get readers.

Of course, I know the real reason you wanted to have entrance exams: GX started with entrance exams and you are so bankrupt for original ideas that you are just plain incapable of not copying exactly what GX did.

[i]well, this is pretty much my first attempt at a fanfic.[/i]

That doesn't change the fact that it sucks and cannot be anything more than a waste of time for any reader. And you've posted it on the internet for all the world to "enjoy".

When the calculation error on Flame Wingman's damage was pointed out, you responded thus:

[i]oh, crap. you're right about the math, and as said, this is pretty much my first fanfic. [/i]

You can't just toss that excuse around for everything. "You have no plot!" "Hey, it's my first try." "Your character is an unabashed self-insert!" "Hey, it's my first try." "You failed an elementary school subtraction problem." "Hey, I've never written a fanfic before, how can I be expected to know basic math?" Oh, and of course, you then refused to go back to your story and make a tiny edit to fix that calculation error, because apparently replacing one single digit in your story was too hard for you, and you just care that little about your story's quality.

Now, I'm off to watch Season 7 of Firefly, which is surprisingly actually of higher quality than S6 despite River being killed off, but I'd like to leave you with one last piece of advice in the form of the old adage: "If at first you don't succeed, perhaps trying again might be prudent... but if you fail completely and are obviously completely incompetent at every skill vaguely related to your objective, go away and stop wasting our time."
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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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[quote name='General Blaze' timestamp='1300844646' post='5090703']
well, this is about 10-15 years after GX, and like I said, Skyler's 19, and Mizuo and Blaze are only 14, so, not quite. Anyway, so far it's only been chosen for Mizuo and Blaze, the others are mostly going to be original characters. Some may be the same, though. And thank you. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
[/quote]

If this takes place between 10-15 years after GX, and yet Skyler is 19, then that suggests that Fubuki had a child before Season 1 of GX, which we can assume is impossible because he was being controlled by Darkness at the time, and Darkness has little interest in pursuing a sexual relationship. It's also impossible for Mizuo and Blaze to be 14 if this takes place 10-15 years after GX, because otherwise we would have seen Asuka with a baby bump. I don't know who you intend to make Blaze's mother, but consider how age has to relate to the timeframe of the source material before you do this.

[quote name='General Blaze' timestamp='1301011126' post='5094573']
okay, well, i've decided that I'm just going to put everything on to my fanfiction.net account.

and changing it from elemental heroes to Gladiator Beasts.

on second thought, I'm not.
[/quote]

I called dibs on Gladiator Beasts in Zodiac Cross. Why? Because I said so.
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Catterjune Newbie

Catterjune

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[quote name='General Blaze' timestamp='1300844646' post='5090703']
well, this is about 10-15 years after GX, and like I said, Skyler's 19, and Mizuo and Blaze are only 14, so, not quite. Anyway, so far it's only been chosen for Mizuo and Blaze, the others are mostly going to be original characters. Some may be the same, though. And thank you. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
[/quote]
If Skyler's 19, why is he taking the entrance exams? > >

If the implication is that Skyler is a TA, similar in style to Crowler in the first episode, then... as Crab already said, "apparently Duel Academy is run by such idiots that people now play against their cousins for the entrance examination despite the blatant conflict of interest." People would think there's some blatant nepotism going on. And even if there wasn't (which it doesn't seem to be) that doesn't mean they wouldn't suddenly stop thinking that.

Also, Flame Wingman is mostly green. His entire body is green, except for one arm.

"Lawl, but it's your first fic, so it's okay!"
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CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

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To be fair, Duel Academy being run by idiots is actually true to canon. Remember S3, when that guy who runs the school is like, "The world doesn't need saving, so things are boring, so let's invite a supervillain to teach here so that the world will need saving again"?
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