Βyakuya Posted March 20, 2011 Report Share Posted March 20, 2011 [center][font="Book Antiqua"][i][color="#8B0000"][size="5"][b] βδδκ όF Ћε ΈПđ [/b][/size][/color][/i][/font] [font="Book Antiqua"][i][b][size="4"]Kichiro Shouhon is a 19 year man who lives in a run down apartment, which is engulfed with old books, newspapers, documents, files, and anything that is news based. Shouhon had note once that his parents have died in an archeological incident in which he never got hands on. Now Shouhon sits alone in his apartment doing nothing but gathering what he can from the outside world and lok on to it and eat ramen. One day, a mysterious cloaked man appears before him in his room, and brings him an ominous book, so thick, before the Shouhon. The man declares his name is Cyros Tasroth, and claims his parents aren't dead. Cyros offers to provide information about his parents, in return, to read from the Book of the End....[/size][/b][/i][/font] [spoiler=Volume 1: The Forbidden Text] [spoiler=Chapter 1: lEt'S bEgIn ReAdInG] It's night. Moonlight peers through the windows of the apartment as if it is crawling to the depths of the room. Papers lay across the floor of fires, murder mysteries, and disappearances. Books, full of dust, lay in several stacks. Spiders crawl through the floorboards to large cobwebs, which engulf the regions of these books. Ramen containers, lay about, as if the room is a trash can. Finally, the television, vintage, has gone static. A young man lies asleep on a couch, tired, with a newspaper in his lap. Suddenly, a car alarm is alerted in the distance, and the sound reverberates to the apartment. "...Ehh..what?", said the man. "Sheesh...not again" Kichiro Shouhon was a 19 year old young adult. He had straight hair, and it was gray at some parts. He wears squared glasses, and on his left lenses, a tiny crack can be seen. He is quite tall, and narrow, although he is a little muscular. Out the window, a car rushes out of an alley, while a single police car follows a soon after. "Looks like another car hijack", said Kichiro, scratching his said. Kichiro looked at the clock, and the clock looked back at him. 1:00 AM. "*sigh* Looks like another day has passed", he said as he laid down on his couch. Kichiro picked up the remote and started browsing through channels. "Darn thing can;' have enough channels". Kichiro never graduated from college. When he first entered, he never really paid attention to his classes, and eventually was on the edge. When he found out that his parents had been killed in an "accident", he dropped out, and became lonesome in his house with nothing but a mere fortune. Since then, Kichiro took his parent's place in trying to understand what his parents have been secretly been researching for years. "Well, it looks like I have to make some money again", said Kichiro staring at his wallet. "What a pain...looks like I'm gonna have to work again...." "But I guess I should sle-", said Kichiro as a presence shook the room. A certain tremor should the room with a spiritual pressure. "What the...I sense something...but the room hasn't changed....." "Well, until now" Kichiro turned and saw a cloaked figure with a purple cape, with engraved designs of language not know to Kichiro. On his face shown, he had several hoop earrings on each of his ears. He was bald on one side of his face, but had long dark pink hair on his left side of his head. He had black lips, and had a red scar that ran across his face from his hair to his neck. But the most menacing was his eyes. He had purple eyes, with big pupils, as if an oblivion lies beyond them. "My name Cyros Tasroth. I understand you are the son of Mr. and Ms. Shouhon.", he said in a scruffy voice. [/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2: Back the Wall] Cyros walked to the corner, hesitated for a moment, and then walked back to Kichiro. "Well, are you gonna stare and ponder or what?", said Cyros. "Oh...sorry. It's just that you peered in my apartment without any consent...", said Kichiro. "Tsk. Humans these days have gone too thoughtful of themselves", said Cyros. Cyros then came closer to Kichiro in a blank expression. "Kichiro Shouhon, I have a favor to ask you, but you will bewitheld a major task", he said. "What? It's not like a person wearing all sorts of ominous clothes and makeup enters my apartment like that", said Kichiro. "Well, I guess I should tell you who I am then". Cyros slowly stepped away, and gazed through the window. Police sirens can be still heard from the car hijack. "Humans these days are quite the mystery still", said Cyros. "You see, I'm nota human to point out the obvious". "Goes to show", said Kichiro, looking away. "The story I will tell will leave you thinking that, this story is totally far-fetched" Everything suddenly became quiet. The breeze settled to a calm state, there was no sounds cars, or shouting people around in town, as Cyros began to speak. "Have you ever wondered why the world is the world? Have you ever understood why the human anatomy is so complex? "Have you understood why the Earth has stable and unstable elements? Why is there reason behind logic?", said Cyros. "There is a belief that God created the universe, but was there anything before it? You probably heard about hearings of practices of mummification, violent sacrifices of the Aztecs, Various practices of Witchcraft in eastern Europe, and alien sightings all over the world. All what I said, is because of us." Kichiro was perplexed by every word that came out of Cyros's mouth. Every word constrained him like tied knots. The unimaginable has come to his senses. "Shocked? Well, you already know my name is Cyros Tasroth. I am, and what you humans would call, "the true deities of the world".[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 3: Head in the Heavens] "True deities of the world eh?", said Kichiro. "To be honest, I'm kinda lost here, and it's not like some cloaked guy, can say some inexplainable things to me out of the opening. By the way, why did you come here?". Cyros blinked for a moment, then finally peered into a corner once again, and sighed. "Your parents didn't exactly die", said Cyros. Kichiro was astonished by that fact. "You see, your parents always were interested in the science of this, and have devoted their lives on trying to discover something no mere mortal has ever laid eyes on. I guess this explains all these books and documents all about, right?" "Well, I guess so. The fruits of my parent's research has never opened up to me", said Kichiro. "Of course. We've been hiding in society for years. We've been disguising as mere mortals. Some of us reincarnate into animals. Therefore, no one can develop the topic of world and its creation. However, your parents had the knowledge to expose our secrets. As a result, one day studying, one of our most important artifacts, the result was that their souls were eradicated". Kichiro once again was blank. Cyros was there, with his hands behind his back, and his face, still had that non-emotional look. Finally, Kichiro got up and looked at Cyros in the face. "Listen old man, you've really have been talking about things I don;t understand. But, what caused my parent's eradication of their souls?" Cyros hesitated for a while, until he spoke again. "They read the Book of the End", said Cyros. "Book...of the End?", said Kichiro. "Yes. You see, before the world was created, a single speck of presence was born. It was smaller than a normal.."quark", as you mortals call it. That matter began to build, and biological matter was born. It withheld us first god-like beings. When the Big Bang happened, the biological presences started spreading out, and developed the first gods. As the world grew millions of years later, the original beings had to control the presence of the world, or else it could throw in apocalypse due to unbalance in nature. As a result of recording these laws of nature, it was all clumped into this" Cyros showed off his hand, and soon a bright light, practically brighter than the sun. Harsh winds also blew, at the full force of a hurricane. The walls were collapsing, furniture, books, papers, and trash all flew out. Nightly civilians all caught in the clash became blinded. Kichiro, trying to observe, got caught in the awakening. "What?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?" Finally, the light faded. The room grew silent, and it looked as if nothing happened. Finally, a thick book appeared before Kichiro. The pages were a dull yellow with several ripped and folded pages. Several crimson bookmarks, some as long as the apartment, rolled along. Finally, a human skull with a gaping mouth appeared on the cover. It had wings, and two arms coming out. One side shown a peaceful countryside, the other, nothing but the vision of hell. On the skeleton's feet, are figures of dead bodies, each with disformed bodies. Finallly, a rising sun appeared on it's head. "They attempted to uncover the secrets of this book, however, they had to pay the price.", said Cyros.[/spoiler][/spoiler][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted March 21, 2011 Report Share Posted March 21, 2011 K, looks like a, though orthodox, pretty nice-done plot. Unless the Book of the End's something that kills anyone written his name inside, I think it's going to be a good read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted March 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2011 [quote name='Darkplant' timestamp='1300666249' post='5086394'] K, looks like a, though orthodox, pretty nice-done plot. Unless the Book of the End's something that kills anyone written his name inside, I think it's going to be a good read. [/quote] There will be several deaths, and ordeals throughout in which tons of sacrifices have to be made. More will be coming soon. But thanks for the comment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted March 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Bump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judedudemude Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 [quote name='Darkplant' timestamp='1300666249' post='5086394'] K, looks like a, though orthodox, pretty nice-done plot. Unless the Book of the End's something that kills anyone written his name inside, I think it's going to be a good read. [/quote] i think he was trying for a deathnote reffence ??? if im right im copying the work on a text document for me to read later looks promising Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted March 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 [quote name='judedudemude' timestamp='1300773970' post='5089041'] i think he was trying for a deathnote reffence ??? if im right im copying the work on a text document for me to read later looks promising [/quote] Well, I was thinking of making this, and later I thought, "Doesn't this sound like a Death Note reference?", then I thought, meh. "This is a Fan-Fic however". You can copy iy into a text document as long as you don't share it as your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judedudemude Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 [quote name='Byakuya Kuchiki' timestamp='1300822142' post='5089776'] Well, I was thinking of making this, and later I thought, "Doesn't this sound like a Death Note reference?", then I thought, meh. "This is a Fan-Fic however". You can copy iy into a text document as long as you don't share it as your own. [/quote] i will not share i just did that becuase it slightly easier to read that all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted June 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 Bump. I apologize for the short chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted June 14, 2011 Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 Bddk oF Ie HEPd? I've got to see this! [spoiler=In the not--too-distant future...] It's night. [b]Cue Yukari's theme.[/b] Moonlight peers through the windows of the apartment as if it is crawling to the depths of the room. Papers lay across the floor of fires, [b]Knowledge-brand fireproof paper! Guaranteed to withstand even fiery floors! ...yeah, Imma use a lot of Touhou references.[/b] murder mysteries, and disappearances. [b]A floor of disa... OOOOOOOH I GET IT DERP. Yeah, you'll want to clear that up.[/b] Books, full of dust, lay in several stacks. [b]Or at least, they used to lie so. But now...[/b] Spiders crawl through the floorboards to large cobwebs, which engulf the regions of these books. [b]...spiders are left to terrorize the... regions of the books! In all seriousness, you're trying to do that sophisticated-description thing and it's not working. Changing sentence structure is good, but don't butcher your sentences while you're at it.[/b] Ramen containers, lay about, as if the room is a trash can. Finally, the television, vintage, has gone static. [b]You, really should, stick to structures you can handle. These sentences, awkward, don't flow very well at all.[/b] A young man lies asleep on a couch, tired, with a newspaper in his lap. [b]These random appositives are going to show up everywhere, aren't they.[/b] Suddenly, a car alarm is alerted in the distance, and the sound reverberates to the apartment. [b]Gaaah, passive voice. Well, even if you can't handle sentence structure, you can at least write the [/b] "...Ehh..what?", said the man. "Sheesh...not again" [b]ohgoddammit[/b] Kichiro Shouhon was a 19 year old young adult. [b]Now he's a fifty-year-old creeper.[/b] He had straight hair, and it was gray at some parts. [b]His hair was already greying at age nineteen. By fifty, it had fallen out completely.[/b] He wears squared glasses, and on his left lenses, a tiny crack can be seen. [b]That happened when his victim's unrequited lover punched him in the face, starting a relationship that would change the world. But this is the creeper's story.[/b] He is quite tall, and narrow, although he is a little muscular. [b]He has to be in order to survive all the girls defending themselves from him.[/b] Out the window, a car rushes out of an alley, while a single police car follows a soon after. [b]And now for something completely different! Not that this paragraph had any focus anyway.[/b] "Looks like another car hijack", said Kichiro, scratching his said. [b]Being a criminal and a fifty-year-old creeper, Kichiro could really care less about someone else's car being stolen.[/b] Kichiro looked at the clock, and the clock looked back at him. [b]It was already suspicious of his creeperish face, and rightfully so.[/b] 1:00 AM. [b]Two continues left.[/b] "*sigh* Looks like another day has passed", he said as he laid down on his couch. [b]Is this some kind of anachronic order thing? I'm going to assuem this past-tense is from when he was nineteen and a non-creeper.[/b] Kichiro picked up the remote and started browsing through channels. "Darn thing can;' have enough channels". [b]...I have no idea what creeper just said. I have no idea what creeper was trying to say. "Can;'"? wut? Even "can't" doesn't make sense there.[/b] Kichiro never graduated from college. [b]As expected from a creeper.[/b] When he first entered, he never really paid attention to his classes, and eventually was on the edge. When he found out that his parents had been killed in an "accident", he dropped out, and became lonesome in his house with nothing but a mere fortune. [b]A "mere" fortune? I suppose he once participated in a small exodus?[/b] Since then, Kichiro took his parent's place in trying to understand what his parents have been secretly been researching for years. [b]...how schoolgirls react during sex. It's a family tradition! *shot repeatedly, and for good reason*[/b] "Well, it looks like I have to make some money again", said Kichiro staring at his wallet. "What a pain...looks like I'm gonna have to work again...." [b]This guy really is a fifty-year-old creeper, isn't he?[/b] "But I guess I should sle-", said Kichiro as a presence shook the room. A certain tremor should the room with a spiritual pressure. [b]What is this I don't even Spiritual pressure? Is that like Weather "Scarlet Weather Pressure" or Hell "Narrow Confines of Avici?" And what do you mean, a certain tremor? Are we supposed to recognize it?[/b] "What the...I sense something...but the room hasn't changed....." [b]"My creeper sense is tingling![/b] "Well, until now" Kichiro turned and saw a cloaked figure with a purple cape, with engraved designs of language not know to Kichiro. [b]Aaaand we're back to the past. Geez, Jérémie! Warn us if you're going to hit the reset button! A simple "Well, Yddisac, are you ready for a return trip to the past?" would do![/b] On his face shown, he had several hoop earrings on each of his ears. [b]On his... face... shown... wut And I didn't mention this before, but "engraved" means "carved." Is this a cape made of stone or has someone carved into fabric?[/b] He was bald on one side of his face, [b]The other side of his face was covered in shaggy blue hair.[/b] but had long dark pink [b]That's spelled "purple." We appreciate the attempt at variety, but "dark light red-violet" just sounds silly.[/b] hair on his left side of his head. [b]This contrasted sharply with the shaggy blue hair covering half his face.[/b] e had black lips, [b]As opposed to E, who had perfectly normal lips.[/b] and had a red scar [b]As opposed to a green scar. Eh? I'm harping too much on one description and need to start doing something constructive for the sake of my professionalism? ...Screw professionalism. This is just too much fun.[/b] that ran across his face from his hair to his neck. [b]Is that the hair on his head or the hair on his face?[/b] But the most menacing was his eyes. He had purple eyes, with big pupils, as if an oblivion lies beyond them. [b]Did those eyes just break time? Now I'm scared, either of this guy's eyes or your writing skills.[/b] "My name Cyros Tasroth. I understand you are the son of Mr. and Ms. Shouhon.", he said in a scruffy voice. [b]This incident would later lead to Kichiro becoming a creeper. How? Find out next time on Bddk oF ii HEPd! Note: I didn't harp much on the plot because I was too busy taking your tense bungling literally, but the only notable thing happening here is our protagonist being completely apathetic towards a loud, poorly-executed car theft. (Most stories would have an annoyed protagonist here, either because stealing cars is wrong or because such a bad theft is a disgrace to thieves.) Besides that, there's nothing at all I haven't seen before, much less anything that interests me in reading more.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted June 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 ^^^^ And herp da derp to you too. But yeah I don't write stories well, and my syntax can get out of hand as well as the tense. I have no idea why I decided to bump this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 [quote name='Byakuya Kuchiki' timestamp='1308059012' post='5282489'] And herp da derp to you too. But yeah I don't write stories well, and my syntax can get out of hand as well as the tense. [/quote] then write better D8< In all seriousness, if someone's giving you revisions, [b]then make them[/b]. In the real world, you'd have to pay for someone to edit your work, and since Yddy's points are for the most part correct, I'd say read over his advice and edit your chapter. (The only thing I have a problem with is that 'dark pink' is a valid description. It's desaturated. lrn2colorwheel :'D) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Βyakuya Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Well, of course, but let's say I'm probably lazy. Don't think I've turned into a n00b again. Still, why did I bother bumping this...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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