Pokemon: Battle for the Orbs

[HoneycombTroy]

[spoiler= Prologue] “The legendary Zekrom and Reshiram are awake. They will rein chaos to the world until they find the legendary orbs. Luckily, we have hidden them along with some guardians. The Jolt Orbs guardian is Zapdos, the bird of thunder. The Flame Orbs protector is Entei, the travelling dog. The Sky Orbs protector is Rayquaza, the Master of the clouds. The Night Orbs protector is Darkrai, legend of nightmares. If Reshiram and Zekrom do get those orbs, there will be one more. The Life Orbs protector is…….. Me. I am Alec, the soon to be master of Team Plasma," says a man in a Team Plasma suit.

“Boss. What about the Victory Orb,” says a Plasma Grunt

“Yes, the Victory Orbs protector is Victini, the Victory Pokemon. Once Zekrom and Reshiram have caused enough chaos, I shall take the orbs back and calm down the legends. I will then be respected the way I need.”

 

 

This is the better version of chapter 1

[spoiler= Chapter 1: The Legends Attack Pallet Town]It was around midnight when a big, dark cloud starting moving over the buildings of Pallet Town. A blonde boy was laying in bed when a black dog-like creature with gold rings and pointy ears starting jumping near his feet. This was Umbreon, a dark type Pokemon.

“What’s up Kyoshu?” Roy asked.

Kyoshu is Umbreons nickname. Kyoshu is usually calm and quiet, but tonight he was as jumpy as a 9 year old girl winning tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

Kyoshu ran to the window and looked at the cloud. Roy looked at the spiral-like cloud and then saw a massive lightning bolt hit a tree. The tree fell, blazing with orange-red fire. A few small bird Pokemon began flying around in fear. Roy quickly ran to Casey’s house next door to him and knocked on the door.

Casey’s father, John, answered. Roy said he had to quickly see Casey. John went upstairs. Soon, a brown haired tall teen came down, dressed in her gown.

“What is it?” Casey asked, half asleep.

Roy pointed towards the cloud and explained how Kyoshu went crazy when he saw it.

Casey noticed a dragon shaped silhouette in the cloud. She had no idea what it could have been.

A dog-like creature, similiar to Umbreon but pink, smaller and this one had a purple jewel-like thing in its forehead ran outside and stopped below the cloud. This creature is an Espeon.

“Velvet, come back here,” screamed Casey, running towards the Espeon. She picked up Velvet and ran back to the house. Velvet was Espeons nickname. A big lightning bolt then came from the cloud and hit a house. The house burst into flames. Luckily, the owners had a Squirtle to put out the fire.

An old professor with grey hair wearing a white shirt and lab coat then came running out of Professor Oaks laboratory and looked at the cloud.

“Could this be…. no, it can’t…….not that,” he muttered.

“Professor, what are you talking about?” Casey asks.

“This could be the legendary Zekrom from the Unova region. Why would it be here in Kanto though? And why is it attacking?” replies Professor Oak.

The cloud then went over Professor Oak’s lab and hit it with a massive thunderbolt. The lab was destroyed from the powerful strike. Three Pokeballs and a Pokemon were stuck in the rummage. Roy and Casey ran to the now destroyed building to help the Pokemon. They got the Pokemon out, which was a pupply like orange and red Pokemon. This was Growlithe, the fire type.

“Go Gengar, use Psychic to pick up some of the wood,” Roy says while throwing a Pokeball. A purple ghost Pokemon appears from the Pokeball and uses telekinesis powers to pick up some wood and move it. After a few minutes, Roy and Casey has safely rescued the Pokeballs before they broke. These Pokeballs contained the Pokemon Professor Oak would give a trainer thats starting out. They would get one of the three Pokemon.

A white dragon then appears and sends a fireball at a house, lighting it on fire. Zekrom then uses a thunderbolt to light another house on fire.

“This is chaos. What are we gonna do?” screams Professor Oak.

"Maybe i can help."

Casey, Roy and the professor turn around to see a young boy with a red shirst, blue pants a Red cap with a Pokeball on it. He then throws a Pokeball.

"Blastoise," says a giant blue tortoise with two cannon like things on its shell.

It goes to both of the flaming houses and douses them with water.

"Is that Re…” Casey says before she is interrupted by Roy.

“I think it is,” says Roy.

 

 

[spoiler= Chapter 2: ? Haven't got name yet] coming soon

 

 

[spoiler= Known Pokemon] Roy: Kyoshu/Umbreon. Umbreon was Roy’s first pokemon. Roy first started with an Eevee which eventually evolved.

Spirit/Gengar: Gengar is a strong smart pokemon. Gengar is the smartest of Roys Pokemon.

Casey: Velvet/Espeon. Espeon was an Eevee before it evolved. Casey had Eevee from the start of her journey.

Alec: ?

 

 

[spoiler= Pronounciations] Pronunciations

Alec: al-ek

Kyoshu- kai-osh-oo

Most of the hard words so far.

 

[CrystalCyae]

[spoiler= Prologue] “The legendary Zekrom and Reshiram are awake. They will reign chaos to the world until they find the legendary orbs. Luckily, we have hidden them along with some guardians. The Jolt Orbs guardian is Zapdos, the bird of thunder. The Flame Orbs protector is Entei, the travelling dog. The Sky Orbs protector is Rayquaza, the Master of the clouds. The Night Orbs protector is Darkrai, legend of nightmares. If Reshiram and Zekrom do get those orbs, there will be one more. The Life Orbs protector is…….. Me. I am Alec, the soon to be master of Team Plasma.”

“Boss. What about the Victory Orb?” says a Plasma Grunt

“Yes, the Victory Orbs protector is Victini, the Victory Pokemon. Once Zekrom and Reshiram have caused enough chaos, I shall take the orbs back and calm down the legends. I will then be respected the way I need.”

 

BROKEN SPEAKING ALERT! Is Alec murmuring under his breath? Who is he talking to?

 

 

[spoiler= Chapter 1: The Legends Attack Pallet Town]It was midnight and Pallet Town was asleep. Pidgeys scattered around, trying to hide from the big, dark cloud moving over the buildings. Roy was woken by his Umbreon. He was jumping at Roy’s feet and screeching.

 

Umbreon's screech? I've seen it all. Anyway, more description is needed. As a first line, it needs to grab the auidience. This kinda drives me away. No offense.

“What’s up Kyoshu?” Roy asked.

Kyoshu is Umbreons nickname. Kyoshu is usually calm and quiet, but tonight he was as jumpy as a 9 year old girl winning tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

Kyoshu ran to the window and looked at the cloud. Roy took a second to look at the cloud and bolt downstairs. He quickly ran to Casey’s house next door to him and knocked on the door.

 

LOL Justin Beiber reference. Anway, again, more description. If I as a Poke-Noob, I would need to know what Umbreon looks like. Same for Roy. I mean, you don't really expect people the read the first spoiler do you?

 

Casey’s father, John, answered. Roy said he had to quickly see Casey. John went upstairs. Soon, Casey came down, dressed in her gown.

“What is it?” Casey asked, half asleep.

Casey’s Espeon came running down the stairs and looked at the cloud. Casey noticed and her mouth dropped.

 

It's a cloud. Is Casey easily frightned or something?

 

The Espeon ran outside and stopped below the cloud.

“Velvet, come back here,” screamed Casey, running towards her. She picked up Velvet and ran back to the house. A big lightning bolt came from the cloud and hit a house. The house lit a blaze. Luckily, the owners had a Squirtle to put out the fire.

 

...... For most, we have absolutely NO clue who Velvet is. I'm glad to understand writing like this. BTW, that bolded scentence doesn't make sense. It should say;

The house burst into flames.

That'd sound better.

 

Professor Oak then came and looked at the cloud.

 

When'd Professor Oak turn up?

 

“Could this be…. no, it can’t…….not that,” he muttered.

“Professor, what are you talking about?” Casey asks.

“This could be the legendary Zekrom from the Unova region. Why would it be here in Kanto though? And why is it attacking?” replies Professor Oak.

The cloud then went over Professor Oak’s lab and hit it with a massive thunderbolt. The lab was destroyed from the powerful strike. Roy and Casey ran into the rummage to rescue the trapped Pokemon and researchers.

 

OMIGAWD! Wait... It's the middle of the night. Whose gonna be awake reaserching?

 

“Go Gengar, use Psychic to pick up some of the wood,” Roy says while throwing a Pokeball. A Gengar appears and uses telekinesis powers to pick up some wood and move it. After about an hour, all the trapped Pokemon and researchers are safe, but the cloud is still in the sky.

 

HALF AN HOUR? You need to think logically here. If I was trapped under tons of wood, plaster and bricks, and presuming I didn't die immeaditely I think I'd be dead from weight and/or lack of air

 

A white dragon then appears and sends a fireball at a house. Zekrom then uses a thunderbolt to light another house on fire.

“This is chaos. What are we gonna do?” screams Professor Oak. A figure then appears and says “I think I can help.”

 

HOW did the figure appear? Did he stalk up? Did he skip? Did he dance?

 

"Is that Re…” Casey says before she is interrupted by Roy.

“I think it is,” says Roy.

 

 

Overall, this story lacks vital description. IF you really expect people to read that first spoiler, your wrong. In most cases, people like to read about the characters as they progress through the story. Plus, as I said, if I Poke-N00b, I need description on what the Pokemon look like. People to. EVEN professor Oak. Keep in mind some haven't played the games or watched the anime.

I suggest, for the next chapter, proof-read a few times. Add description. Refer to the works of greater fan-fi writers for assistance. I'm just the critquer.

 

Feel honored. Your the first fan fic I've fully reviewed. YAYZ!

[Guest yugiohbakuganpokemon]

Great story. I really liked it. I am excited for Chapter 2. :)

[HoneycombTroy]

Have changed Chapter 1

[HoneycombTroy]

BUMPITYM BUMP

[CrystalCyae]

It was around midnight when a big, dark cloud starting moving over the buildings of Pallet Town. A blonde boy was laying in bed when a black dog-like creature with gold rings and pointy ears starting jumping near his feet. This was Umbreon, a dark type Pokemon.

 

Better. Much better

 

“What’s up Kyoshu?” Roy asked.

Kyoshu is Umbreons nickname. Kyoshu is usually calm and quiet, but tonight he was as jumpy as a 9 year old girl winning tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

 

This description is rather unecessary. You need to know when to use description

 

Kyoshu ran to the window and looked at the cloud. Roy looked at the spiral-like cloud and then saw a massive lightning bolt hit a tree. The tree fell, blazing with orange-red fire. A few small bird Pokemon began flying around in fear. Roy quickly ran to Casey’s house next door to him and knocked on the door.

 

Quick question; WHY is Roy running to Casey's house? Maybe show us Roy's thoughts about why he needs Casey

 

Casey’s father, John, answered. Roy said he had to quickly see Casey. John went upstairs. Soon, a brown haired tall teen came down, dressed in her gown.

 

If I ran to someones house in the middle of the night, I think I'd be waiting for a while unless my brother was on the other side of the door. John would be tired, wouldn't he?

 

“What is it?” Casey asked, half asleep.

Roy pointed towards the cloud and explained how Kyoshu went crazy when he saw it.

Casey noticed a dragon shaped silhouette in the cloud. She had no idea what it could have been.

 

I think I'd like it better if you said " Casey saw a dragon shaped sillohouette in the clouds. "What is that!" She shrieked." Ya see the diff?

 

A dog-like creature, similiar to Umbreon but pink, smaller and this one had a purple jewel-like thing in its forehead ran outside and stopped below the cloud. This creature is an Espeon.

 

And here I thought the Eveelutions were based on felines/foxes/cats. I clearly stand corrected.

 

“Velvet, come back here,” screamed Casey, running towards the Espeon. She picked up Velvet and ran back to the house. Velvet was Espeons nickname.

 

That description was also unessecary.

 

A big lightning bolt then came from the cloud and hit a house. The house burst into flames. Luckily, the owners had a Squirtle to put out the fire.

An old professor with grey hair wearing a white shirt and lab coat then came running out of Professor Oaks laboratory and looked at the cloud.

 

I repeat. Wouldn't everyone be asleep or half asleep? I don't really see teenagers running around like lunatics at midnight.

 

“Could this be…. no, it can’t…….not that,” he muttered.

“Professor, what are you talking about?” Casey asks.

“This could be the legendary Zekrom from the Unova region. Why would it be here in Kanto though? And why is it attacking?” replies Professor Oak.

 

Technically, Professor Oak is asking more than replying. He made a quick statement, then 2 questions.

 

The cloud then went over Professor Oak’s lab and hit it with a massive thunderbolt. The lab was destroyed from the powerful strike. Three Pokeballs and a Pokemon were stuck in the rummage. Roy and Casey ran to the now destroyed building to help the Pokemon. They got the Pokemon out, which was a puppy like orange and red Pokemon. This was Growlithe, the fire type.

 

At least the researchers are asleep in bed. Good God. Still, not liking your use a words. Not sure how to fix that. :P

 

“Go Gengar, use Psychic to pick up some of the wood,” Roy says while throwing a Pokeball. A purple ghost Pokemon appears from the Pokeball and uses telekinesis powers to pick up some wood and move it.

 

I thought a Pokemon being stuck under a ruined building was serious. Surely Roy would be yelling or sspeaking with an urgent tone. Also, stop with the commas. We don't need them. After the speech, I mean.

 

After a few minutes, Roy and Casey has safely rescued the Pokeballs before they broke. These Pokeballs contained the Pokemon Professor Oak would give a trainer thats starting out. They would get one of the three Pokemon.

 

UNESSECARY DETAIL ALERT! We kinda don't need to know about the Pokemon in the Pokeballs. They are kinda unecessary in the curent plot point.

 

A white dragon then appears and sends a fireball at a house, lighting it on fire. Zekrom then uses a thunderbolt to light another house on fire.

“This is chaos. What are we gonna do?” screams Professor Oak.

"Maybe i can help."

Casey, Roy and the professor turn around to see a young boy with a red shirst, blue pants a Red cap with a Pokeball on it. He then throws a Pokeball.

"Blastoise," says a giant blue tortoise with two cannon like things on its shell.

It goes to both of the flaming houses and douses them with water.

"Is that Re…” Casey says before she is interrupted by Roy.

“I think it is,” says Roy.

 

Ok, I've read worse (Refer to story 2 and 3 in the Fan-Fixtion Piff-veiw thread)

But I've read much better. And I'd prefer you didn't edit the chapter again. Simply learn from your mistakes and make sure to fix them in your second chapter.

Oh yeah, and

Proofread! Yay!

Good luck in the next chapter! *tips hat*

[Envoy of Twilight]

Very nice, 9.9/10. Keep up the good work!

[HoneycombTroy]

Bump, This is very old, but who cares.

[HoneycombTroy]

BUMP again, this may be old, but im still thinking about continueing it, just need more feedback.

[bury the year]

Please don't necro threads, even your own. LOCKED.