dokktorawesome Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 This is my first fanfic. [spoiler='Characters']Purple- A young boy who has a strong passion for Pokemon. He never gives up whenever there's a problem. Orange- Purple's rival. He is very arrogant but does have skill though. Professor Pine- A Pokemon professor who at one time was a great Trainer.[/spoiler] [spoiler='Setting']Maple Town- A quiet, suburban town with lots of wilderness.[/spoiler] [spoiler='Chapter 1']One day while walking in Maple Town Purple came across an old man using a strange device. "What is that?" Purple asked. "A Pokedex," the old man replied. "What is your name?" "My name is Purple," Purple replied. "What's your's?" "I'm Professor Pine," the old man replied. "Nice to meet you. Come to my lab and I'll give you a Pokemon." So Purple followed the professor to his lab.[/spoiler] [spoiler='Chapter 2']At the lab, Professor said,"Purple, you may chose from this selection of Snivy, Tepig, Oshawott, Turtwig, Chimchar, Piplup, Chikorita, Cyndaquil, Totodile, Treecko, Torchic, Mudkip, Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. Hurry before my grandson gets here though." As soon as Purple took Tepig, Orange came in. "WHY THE HELL DOES THIS KID GET I POKEMON BUT I DONT?! THAT'S IT! GIVE ME A POKEMON NOW!!!!" Orange screamed. "Okay, okay! You can chose from these Pokemon." When Orange chose a Totodile, he said, "Come on kid, show me what you've got!" "A fight it is!" Purple agreed.[/spoiler] [spoiler='Chapter 3']"Alright, Tepig... let's see what you can do! Go!" Purple commanded. "Ha ha ha! I got a Water-type! You'll never beat me! Come out, Totodile!" Orange yelled, still laughing. "Tepig, let's try... Aha! Tackle!" Purple said. Tepig tried to ram into Totodile but it was no use. Totodile blasted Tepig with a Water Gun that sent it crashing into the wall. "Ha ha ha ha ha! You are even weaker than I thought!" Orange laughed. "It's not over yet," Purple said. "Tepig, use... Quick Attack!" Tepig rammed into Totodile and Totodile crashed into the wall and couldn't get up. "Wh-what?! H-how did you do that?" Orange asked, confused and a bit scared at the same time. "While you were busy laughing," Purple said, "You didn't notice that Tepig wasn't really hurt. He was really using... Focus Energy!" "Fine. You may have won this time, but I'm not done with you. In the future... I promise... I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!!" With that, Orange left the lab.[/spoiler] [spoiler='Chapter 4']"What's wrong with him?" Purple asked. "That was just a practice fight." "My grandson is arrogant, Purple... he's not patient and doesn't want to learn. He thinks he's the best." Professor Pine explained. "I see," Purple said. "Well, I guess I'll start... on my Pokemon adventure!" After 2 hours, Purple arrived at Sundown City. "I wanna go challenge the Gym!" Purple exclaimed. "C'mon Tepig! Let's kick butt!" When Purple went in the Gym, he was amazed at the vast size. That didn't stop him from wanting to fight though. "Hey Leader dude, where are you?" he called. "To prove your worth, you must fight me first," a voice said. It was another trainer of the Gym. "I will fight in the honor of Bouldera, the Gym leader! I will show you a taste of the might of the Rocks!" Both Trainers threw out their Poke Balls. "Go, Tepig!" Purple shouted. "Go, Geodude!" the trainer said. "Dammit," Purple sweared. "Fire's bad against Rock." "That's why I will win!" the trainer laughed. "Geodude, use Rock Throw!" Geodude picked up a big rock and through it with all his might at Tepig. Tepig dodged but now there was a huge hole in the Gym wall. The trainer looked angrily at Purple and ordered Geodude to use the same attack again. This time, Tepig dodged and then counterattacked with Headbutt. The battle was over. "ARGH! Forgive me, Master Bouldera! This Trainer is strong!" the trainer said. "Very well, boy," Bouldera said to Purple. "I will fight you. But I warn you, I am strong. If you manage to defeat me, you will recieve the Stalactite Badge. Now let's get started!"[/spoiler] [spoiler='Chapter 5']"Go, Tepig!" Purple shouted. "A Fire type? You know those won't work against me. Oh well, your loss. Come out, Onix." Bouldera said calmly. "What the hell?!" Purple screamed. That thing is huge!!" "Do you give up already?" Bouldera asked, disappointed. "N-no," Purple said. "Okay, um... use Headbutt." Tepig rammed its head into Onix but nothing happened. "Why am I wasting time?" Bouldera asked himself. Then he told Purple, "If that's the best you've got, don't even bother," Bouldera said. "I get the feeling you can do better though." "You got that right!" Purple said. "Use the secret move I taught you. Hyperburn!" Normallly, a Fire attack would never work on a Rock type, but Hyperburn was so powerful that Onix immediatly crashed to the ground. And that wasn't the only thing. A golden light escaped from Tepig's body and then Tepig changed shape. "Tepig evolved!" Purple said happily. "Now I have a Pignite!" "Alright, you win. Here, take this Stalactite Badge." Bouldera said. "Thanks!" Purple grinned. "One down, seven more to go!"[/spoiler] [spoiler='Chapter 6']It had been a 2 days since Purple won the Stalactite Badge. He had been celebrating, but today he was in a real good mood. "I wanna go challenge the NEXT Gym!" Purple said aloud. "Alright Pignite, we're gonna get ourselves a second badge. Right?" Pignite nodded with enthusiasm. "Alright! Let's get going!" Purple said. As Purple walked North, he felt as if someone was following him. He didn't know who or where, but he felt that someone was definitely followed him. "I must be dreaming," Purple thought. He tried not to think about it, but the feeling stayed. But Purple should have trusted his instincts and have searched around, because two Grunts from Team Midnight were following him. "Ha ha ha!" Grunt 1 laughed quietly. "We, Team Midnight, the most evil criminal orginization in the world, shall kill that boy and capture that Pignite! And when we do, the boss will be so pleased!" Grunt 2 slapped him and said,"Dream later. Work now." Grunt 1 got angry and said, "Oh you want to fight, eh?" Grunt 1 kicked Grunt 2 in the nuts and he let out a loud moan. This noise caused Purple to stop and head in the direction of the moaning. As soon as he got to the bush, he knew he made a mistake. He had run into Team Midnight grunts! Purple had heard about Team Midnight before. They were so evil they once even put a Squirtle in an electric chair, knowing that the electricity would hurt them more. As soon as Purple came over, Grunt 1 and Grunt 2 stopped fighting. Instead they threw Poke Balls into the air. A Pidove came out of Grunt 1's Poke Ball. "Alex, you idiot! What the hell do you think a Pidove can do against his Pokemon?!" Grunt 2 said as he sent out a Pansear. "As if your's is beter, Kevin," Alex replied. "Now let's just fight him before he runs away or something!" "Alright! I'm always up for a Pokemon battle, even if it's a battle to rid of losers like you," Purple said. "Go Pignite!" "Pidove, use Quick Attack!" Alex ordered. The attack was fast but wasn't strong enough. Pignite barely felt anything. "You see what I mean, you male b*tch?! I'll show you what fighting looks like! Pansear, use Incinecrate!" But that didn't work either. Not due to lack of power, but because Pignite was a Fire Pokemon too. "Let's beat these jokers," Purple said. "Use Flame Charge on Pidove and Take Down on Pansear!" Pignite did as he was told and both Pokemon fell unconsious. "What the f*ck?! How did we lose to a kid like you?!" Kevin screamed. "We'll be back! This isn't the end of us!" Alex said as he ran away with Kevin. So Purple continued on his journey to Redsea City to get his next badge.[/spoiler] [spoiler='Chapter 7']Purple continued on until he reached Route 302. "This is a water route!" he yelled in surprise. "Too wimpy to catch a Water Pokemon, eh?" a voice said. Purple turned around. It was Orange! "WHY THE F*CK WERE YOU STALKING ME?!!?" Purple screamed. "So I can learn what not to do," Orange snickered. "Now come on! Let's fight! Go, Dewott!" "Seriously? I am not in the mood to take you down," Purple said. "But fine, I'll end this fast. Go Pignite!" "Pignite, use Arm Thrust!" Pignite rammed its arm into Dewott's stomach but it wasn't down. "Dewott, use Water Pulse!" Orange commanded. Pignite was blasted by such force that he bounced off four trees. Then he lay there weakly. "Pignite! Are you okay? Get up, quick!" Pignite got up, but it looked badly hurt. "Can you do one more Arm Thrust?" Purple asked. Pignite rammed its arm into Dewott's stomach but this time it collapsed. But Orange wasn't finished yet. "I have 3 Pokemon, unlike you. Go Boldore!" "What the hell?" Purple said. "Boldore is a Pokemon evolved from a Roggenrola." Orange said proudly. "Use Rock Smash!" "Heal!" Purple yelled. He gave Pignite a Hyper Potion. Then Pignite dodged the Rock Smash. "Counterattack with Arm Thrust!" Purple commanded. Boldore fell to the ground, defeated. "My last Pokemon!" Orange said. "Go Tranquill!" "Pignite, use Flame Charge!" Tranquill dodged the attack. "My turn!" Orange said. "Counterattack with Air Cutter!" Pignite dodged the Air Cutter. "Alright!" Purple said. "This time, let's counter with Flamethrower!" Tranquill was defeated. "WHAT?!!?" Orange screamed. "BUT I HAD 3 WELL-TRAINED POKEMON!!!!" "Apparently, mine is better," Purple said. "Now stop stalking me!!" Orange went the other direction and called to Purple, "This isn't the end!" Suddenly a bunch of Panpour ran to Purple. They appeared to want to help him get across Route 302. Suddenly the leader, a Simipour, barked a command to the Panpour. They all stood back. Then the Simipour bent down as if he wanted Purple to climb on. "Alright!" Purple said. "Let's do this![/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 .....well..... make it longer..... REAL longer.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 ... Bro, we know nothing about this Purple, Orange, or professor. What do they look like? You need to describe your characters. Do a little build-up, introduce your characters into the story. My one other bit of advice is do a new paragraph each time another person speaks. Hope this helps, but I'd add those in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 [quote name='Pichu' timestamp='1299291486' post='5051586'] .....well..... make it longer..... REAL longer.... [/quote] I just started i'll be adding more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 make the chapters longer. Your chapters are less then a paragraph. make more paragraphs and it should be fine, otherwises this isn't worth it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 [quote name='Pichu' timestamp='1299332558' post='5052316'] make the chapters longer. Your chapters are less then a paragraph. make more paragraphs and it should be fine, otherwises this isn't worth it [/quote] Okay. From now on my chapters will be longer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myst Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 It said it was using Quick Attack. Why was it using Focus Energy?! The story isn't that great right now. It doesn't have a good start. There's no detail of how Maple Town and the lab looks like.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 [quote name='swordfire206' timestamp='1299403709' post='5054934'] It said it was using Quick Attack. Why was it using Focus Energy?! The story isn't that great right now. It doesn't have a good start. There's no detail of how Maple Town and the lab looks like.. [/quote] It used Focus Energy to charge up then it used Quick Attack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneycombTroy Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 The battles, chapters and everything are too short. I don't know why, but i still like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 [quote name='Random Merlin' timestamp='1299444734' post='5056157'] The battles, chapters and everything are too short. I don't know why, but i still like it. [/quote] Finally someone who likes it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hi-Def Legacy Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 [quote name='yugiohbakuganpokemon' timestamp='1299447465' post='5056253'] Finally someone who likes it! [/quote] i like it too great job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 [quote name='kyoyatategamifan' timestamp='1299538808' post='5058890'] i like it too great job [/quote] Yay! Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't hate you. This is a quick, simple question out of pure curiosity. How old are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 [quote name='Darkplant' timestamp='1300355293' post='5078556'] I don't hate you. This is a quick, simple question out of pure curiosity. How old are you? [/quote] 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted March 19, 2011 Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 Just as thought. Well, since you're two years younger than me I suppose I can't critisize the lack of glittery description and a well-honed plot. After all my writings became a LOT better in the last two years. Back when I was 11 I [i]was[/i] able to do a lot better than this, but that doesn't necesarrily make this suck compared to the overall par of 11-year-olds since I don't know what other people wrote at the age. Just one thing, I AM sure that the average 11-year-old can write a lot, lot more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTR~ Posted March 19, 2011 Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 I want to hate it because you don't go into any detail at all, and things just move too fast, but there's some weird charm about it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted March 19, 2011 Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 It's because he was still a little kid. I've seen this horrible thing here once, written by a 16-year-old, that was much worse than this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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