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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Distorted Days

Pichu

By Pichu
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Deathcore Newbie

Deathcore

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Posted
I recently got into the Mystery Dungeon series. When I saw this, I decided to give it a whirl.

First off, it wasn't great, but I have read a lot worse, both on YCM and off it. No mather what anyone says, don't stop writing. If you like it and like writing it, keep going.

Now, it was bit to fast paced for me. I know most stories are fast paced, but this one defiantly went overboard with it. Don't rush to the plot, it's easier to just start off slow and build up the plot. Both for the writer and reader. Maybe slow down the pace of the story just a bit.
Also, There wasn't really any descriptions on how the town looked, or what people did in the town, or anything of that sort. If you really want the reader to feel like they're right there with Dyl and Mudkip, explain on how the world looks or what the people do. Right now, I only picture a blank world with a shop run by Lucario. You might want to take some time to describe stuff.

Something else that kinda bugged me is...the characters right now look like they have absolutely no personalty. We know Lucario hates Mudkip, but that isn't really "personality". But if he hates Mudkip, I assume he hates everyone, thus a jackass. Character development is a important part of a story and there isn't hardly any in this fic. Something you might want to do in the future.

I also don't like how Dylan isn't worried about him being a pokemon and just jumped right into it. Sure, Mystery Dungeon games do that (or Explorers of the Skys do), but at least the main character in the games are wondering what happened to them. Right now, I see no evidence that Dylan even gives a damn.

One last thing, make the chapters a little longer. Even if it means taking longer to post a chapter, it'll be a good idea. If you take longer to write a chapter, it'll be easier to slow down the pace of the story and describe everything, etc.

Anyway, that's the only thing I have to say. Like I said earlier, keep writing if you like writing, no mather what someone says. I'll defiantely keep an eye out on this. Good luck!
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DL 

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[spoiler=Chapter 5: Five Man Band]
[b]Alright, this is me, Hayate Ayasaki, also known as Daisuke, and this time, not only will Dio be accompanying us, but a new host as well, Enzax. I’m writing this after the review, so no witty lines. This fic is written by Pichu (yay) and is called [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/240038-pokemon-mystery-dungeon-distorted-days/]Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Distorted Days[/url] and blah blah blah, enjoy.
Dio: INSERT WITTY BANTER HERE
[/b]



Dylan, nick named Dyl, was normal ten year old boy.

[b]Daisuke: He was normal [s]ten-year[/s] ten year old boy who didn’t have grasp of English language

Dio: Is the narration some kind of Call of Duty Russian bad guy or something? PROOFREAD.

Enzax: inb4pasttenseswitchtopresenttense[/b]

He is in the 5th grade and lives a good life.

[b]Dio: And now we're in the present. Fantastic.

Enzax: Knew it.

Daisuke: Ooh, goody, he’s [s]a[/s] normal ten year old who lives a good life. This seems to be the most promising and riveting tale I have ever read in ages.[/b]

But one night his parents got into a fight.

[b]Dio: "DAMMIT, WE ALREADY WENT THROUGH THIS! WHY CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE HIM IN A DIRTY, RUN-DOWN HELLHOLE LIKE WE DID WITH KEN?!"

Enzax: WHY SO SERIOUS?

Daisuke: His parents had a fight. In a stroke of genius, Pichu has decided against showing us said fight, which any supposedly good writer would do, and instead decided to tell us that there was a fight and leave it at that. I love this story. It is flawless in every way.[/b]

His older brother called the police after blood was drawn.

[b]Dio: Along with some ponies, and a nice sun with a happy face.

Enzax: Relax, it was just drawn in crayon.

Daisuke: Only after blood was drawn did the thought occur to the brother that it might be smart to call the police. He is obviously not as magnificently intelligent as Pichu.[/b]

The two had to spend the night in their neighbor's house.

[b]Dio: Or, maybe, you know, A PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, BECAUSE OF ALL THIS BULL THEY'VE BEEN PUT THROUGH?

Enzax: Because being next door is so much safer than the police station.

Daisuke: Pichu is, in all his magnificence, making a critique upon the foundations of society. In normal society, the police would take them in as witnesses, and then call a relative to pick them up. In Pichu’s story, he has decided that this is corrupt and vile, for some odd reason my plebeian mind cannot comprehend, and has instead decided that neighbors taking in the kids would be much safer.[/b]

It was storming. Terrible lightning

[b]Dio: VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME

Enzax: As opposed to calm, friendly lightning?
[/b]

and golf ball sized hail. Dyl drifted to sleep as lightning struck the house.

[b]Enzax: Because everyone can sleep when they get zapped.

Dio: And then he BURNED.

Daisuke: This is an amazing sentence. You see, Pichu has implied that Dyl worships the Thunder God, and thus can only sleep when lightning is present. Even if it set his house on fire.[/b]

His dreams were blank and he wouldn't wake up.

[b]Enzax: So he died?

Dio: So no more of this story-aw, hell, there's chapters to this.

Daisuke: His dreams were blank. This is marvelous, because it displays the emptiness Dyl feels inside from his parents being gone and the Thunder God having turned against him and setting his house on fire.[/b]

Then something appeared in the blank dream. It looked like a doorway.

[b]Dio: TWILIGHT ZONE WOOOOOOOO

Enzax: The door to Kingdom Hearts?

Daisuke: It only looked like one. Here Pichu is implying that Dyl only saw a doorway because the doorway is supposed to stand for one’s own portrayal of moving on from where they are. This suggests Dyl is now moving on from his parents and the Thunder God, and going to find his own path in life.[/b]

It came closer, and closer.

[b]Dio: "*WHAP* Too close."

Enzax: I’m pretty sure your moving towards it, not the other way around.

Daisuke: Don‘t be hatin on the doorway on wheels. Pichu put his heart and soul into that line, he wishes to express to us in simple form how our dreams can move closer if they're mounted on wheels.[/b]

He went through the doorway and his dream went black.

[b]Dio: I thought they were blank.

Enzax: I didn’t know it was possible to see the color black.

Daisuke: And it isn’t. But Pichu has so masterfully worded this intricate sentence to show that something like feeling pain, which is black, is better than feeling nothing, which is blank.[/b]

He soon woke up.

[b]Dio: "His dreams were blank and he wouldn't wake up." <- LIES

Enzax: Nope, you said he wouldn’t wake up so he is dreaming he woke up.[/b]

He was in a tree in a weird town.

[b]Dio: Or a weird tree in a town. Whichever.

Enzax: Imagination on the loose, call the pound.

Daisuke: Most readers will not catch it but this is a shout-out to all nature-lovers. Pichu wants them to know that even if it‘s a town, or a city, even if there‘s still one single tree, it can be used to have blank/black dreams in.[/b]

There was a couple shops but he couldn't see the workers.

[b]Dio: Of course not. They're on strike.

Enzax: I’m pretty sure the word ‘were’ should replace ‘was’.

Daisuke: Aww, how sweet, this must be a love town, since there are a bunch of Couple Shops, for everything young couples need to make relationships happier and healthier.[/b]

He sat up and fell down.

[b]Dio: And got back up again. ...LET'S BEYBLAAAAAAAAAADE!

Enzax: WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN, YET MY FEET DON’T TOUCH THE GROUND~[/b]

He hit the ground and drew blood.

[b]Dio: "OW WITH THE HURTING AND THE PAIN AND OH GOD MY SPLEEN"

Enzax: He still has that red crayon?

Daisuke: Man, that is some pretty hard ground. He fell from sitting, and he’s bleeding.[/b]

He looked up and a Mudkip was standing before him.

[b]Dio: "so i herd u liek me."

Enzax: Yo Mudkip, I’m gonna let you go first and all but I gotta say Pikachu is the best Pokémon ever.

Daisuke: IT’S OVER! Not 9000, it’s just over. How saddening, this was truly a masterpiece.

[color=Blue]No, there’s still chapter one.[/color]

Daisuke: There is? HOORAY.[/b]


CHAPTER 1

[b]Daisuke: THIS LOOKS PROMISING[/b]

It was a sunny Monday afternoon.

[b]Dio: Isn't that a paradox? Mondays suck.

Enzax: With a 20% chance of falling characters.[/b]

There was noise coming from a Riolu's Head shaped building.

[b]Dio: "RIOLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" <- sound like that?

Enzax: Random building is random.

Daisuke: I want to live in a Riolu [s]head[/s] Head too TT_TT[/b]

The door on the building slammed opened and a Lucario walked out carrying a Mudkip.

[b]Daisuke: With his newly-grown opposable thumbs[/b]

He drop kicked the Mudkip and yelled:

[b]Dio: "I DON'T 'LEIK' YOU, YOU DUMBASS!"

Enzax: Is it possible to drop kick something your carrying?
Survey says: No.

Daisuke: This Lucario is skilled in the ways of the Jedi, I see.[/b]

"GET THE HELL OUTTA MY BAR AND NEVER COME BACK!"

[b]Dio: Pokemon...bar. MY CHILDHOOD. SHATTERED.

Enzax: Pokemon + Bar = Ruined Childhood.[/b]

"Fine! And I'll take my money with me!"

[b]Dio: ...as opposed to what? Leaving it there and not paying?

Daisuke: Hey, I was going to make that joke. Instead, I think I’ll just criticize the fact this Mudkip is the worst debater ever. What, he can’t come up with a proper insult?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Where does he store the money?

Daisuke: I don’t think we want to know.[/b]

Lucario walked back inside his bar and slammed the door behind him.

[b]Dio: Oh, how I wish it would end here.

Enzax: He doesn’t have pockets after all…

Daisuke: If the door broke he’d have no one to yell “You’re payin’ for that” at.[/b]

Mudkip got up and shook his head.

[b]Daisuke: Might have been more mighty of you to stand up before saying “Fine! And I’ll take my money with me!”[/b]

He stared at the bar and walked away into a forest.

[b]Dio: Just a forest. Not the forest of doom, or the forest of death. Just a forest.

Enzax: because that is what wandering drunks do.[/b]

"Stupid Lucario! All I did was tell him that his drink was tasteless! God!"

[b]Enzax: Just like this story.

Dio: You mean "ARCEUS!"

Daisuke: Oh yes, drinks are definitely tasteless all the time, it’s not just a matter of tasting bad. And that’s definitely a reason to yell at a customer, pick them up, and throw them out of the bar.[/b]

He stopped as a Pokemon fell out of a tree.

[b]Dio: What is it with people falling out of trees in this town?

Enzax: The Weatherman was right.[/b]

"A Pokemon!"

[b]Dio: As opposed to a DIGIMON?

Enzax: I was expecting a NetNavi.

Daisuke: He does sound awfully surprised there would be a Pokemon in a world full of Pokemon.[/b]

"A Mudkip!?"

[b]Dio: "CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!"

Enzax: Houston, we have a problem.

Daisuke: Why so surprised? I mean, I could understand if it was a legendary or something, but...[/b]

"Yes. And you're a Pichu."

[b]Dio: SHOW. DON'T TELL. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO EMPHASIZE THIS?!"

Enzax: As opposed to another puny yellow rodent?

Daisuke: I’m actually going to say that, while this could be seen a mile away, I am not opposed to the Mudkip telling him he’s a Pichu. Why? Because it’s better than the narrator telling us “And the kid had turned into a Pichu”.

Which I honestly expected.[/b]

The Pichu looked down at his self.

[b]Daisuke: He looked down into the deepest parts of his soul, at his very self.[/b]

He was indeed a Pichu and had a bleeding foot.

[b]Dio: No, no. He's not a Pichu. He is an author insert.

Enzax: Oh look the author was coloring himself with red crayon.

Daisuke: Why does everyone have crayons?[/b]

"What!" H-How is this possible?

[b]Dio: "YOU CANNOT DEFEAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

Enzax: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME~

Daisuke: *insert anime gasp here*[/b]

A Sableye walked by the two and and saw the Pichu's foot.

[b]Dio: It then devoured it whole.

Enzax: A Sableye in a forest? Lrn2pokemon please.

Daisuke: That’s like finding a Pidgey in a cave. It just doesn’t happen.[/b]

He took them to Snivy's Care.

[b]Enzax: Where the author had a fatal heart attack.

Dio: They were immediately turned away, because Snivy is a prick.

Daisuke: Wait, what? Are we suppose to assume Snivy is the doctor? I mean, it would be fine if you showed them going to Snivy’s place, and having a conversation that led us to believing he was, but this is just lazy.

[color=blue]Weren’t you liking this earlier, though?[/color]

Daisuke: This is too bad to pretend it’s good.[/b]

The Pichu's foot was treated by Dr. Snivy.

[b]Daisuke: Oh so now he’s DOCTOR Snivy. And we know he healed him, you said in the last sentence they took Pichu to Snivy’s CARE.[/b]

Mudkip was in the room with them.

[b]Daisuke: That sentence is about as pointless as the second sentence in “The kid went to the park. The kid was at the park.” Mudkip BROUGHT PICHU TO THE CLINIC. WHY WOULD HE NOT BE THERE?

Dio: He did jack.

Enzax: Jack did not like this.[/b]

"Be more careful next time! Ok?"

[b]Dio: "Or I'll break that foot myself."

Enzax: Otherwise your foot is going up your-

[nC] D0n’t s@y !t.

Enzax: Fine.[/b]

"Ok Doctor..."

[b]Dio: "...smug son of a-"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"NOTHING!"

Enzax: He’s The Doctor?

Daisuke: He’s an okay Doctor. Not a very good one, just okay.[/b]

Dr. Snivy walked out of the room as Mudkip turned to Pichu.

[b]Daisuke: That dude can walk out of a room in less time than it takes for Mudkip to turn to Pichu. That is godly.

Dio: Why did the doctor walk out of his own office? Is he locking them inside the hospital?

Enzax: Obviously The Doctor must travel back in time to prevent this story from being written.

Daisuke: I wish him luck.[/b]

"So who are you?"

[b]Dio: "I'M BATMAN."

Enzax: “I’m THE PHANTOM RENEGADE!”

Daisuke: “I’m the guy who’s tired of reading this so-called ‘story’.”

Also, wouldn’t this be a better question to make when he saw the Pichu?[/b]

"I'm Dylan. But call me Dyl. And I'm not really a Pokemon. I'm a human!"

[b]Daisuke: INCONCEIVABLE

Dio: Wait...Dyl...turned into a Pokemon...rhymes with-BILL!

Enzax: /originalcharacterrippingofffirstgencharacter[/b]

"Yeah right! Human! HAHA!"

[b]Dio: I shall now be calling the Mudkip "Nelson."

Enzax: I prefer the name ‘Leroy’

Daisuke: I prefer the name WHYWILLTHISFANFICNOTEND?[/b]

Dyl gave Mudkip a Death Stare.

[b]Dio: "OH GOD N-*dead*"

Daisuke: Why must it Be Capitalized?

Enzax: Sadly Pichu can’t learn that move until level 15.[/b]

"Wait, you were serious!?"

[b]Dio: No, he was Snape. *ba dum tish*

Enzax: Nope it was a joke, just like this story.

Daisuke: Yes, all Pichus walk around saying they’re human these days.[/b]

Dyl nodded.

[b]Dio: INSERT PICTURE HERE

Enzax: That was so important that Chuck Norris stopped to read it.

Daisuke: It’s The Nod. You have to respect The Nod.[/b]

"I don't know how it happened! I fell asleep and woke up in a tree. Then I fell and saw you, Mudkip!"

[b]Dio: I think we've established that Nelson's a Mudkip, as opposed to a Primeape.

Enzax: I’m pretty sure Leroy isn’t a Mankey my good sir.[/b]

"Yay! My new friend is a human!"

[b]Daisuke: No, he’s a Pichu.

Dio: If I were Nelson, my reaction would be to send this kid to the Pokemon Funny Farm.

Enzax: Any sane person would’ve mugged this loon by now.[/b]

Dyl cocked his head to the side.

[b]Dio: "Whatchu lookin' at, punk?"

Enzax: “Rough him up boys.”

Daisuke: On a kudos to the author, he showed instead of told. But since that’s not funny I’ll just say that sentence is boring as hell. Hahah, laugh at how mean I am.[/b]

"You don't want to be my friend, do you?"

[b]Dio: "EVERYONE LIEKS ME "

Enzax: It’s not you, it’s me. Actually it is you.[/b]

"I'll be your friend. Since I might be stuck here for awhile...."

[b]Dio: So might we. Unless I can find a way out...hm...

Enzax: Dio, Stay. I’m not staying here alone with Daisuke.

Daisuke: Hey, I heard that. Anyway, that’s so random. “K, since I’m gonna be stuck here anyway I GUESS I’ll be your friend…”[/b]

Mudkip check Dyl out and they went walking.

[b]Daisuke: What is this ’he checked Dyl out’? What, is he sexually attracted to Dyl?[/b]

Mudkip brought Dyl to a small house. Inside there was a TV, couch, chair, bookshelf, stove, fridge, and two beds.

[b]Enzax: All useless without a pair of thumbs.

Dio: ...HOW DOES MUDKIP CHANGE THE CHANNELS?!

Daisuke: He calls his friend Aipom to do it for him. Which explains why Aipom moved away.[/b]

"This is my house! Since there's an extra bed, you can stay here!"

[b]Dio: And did he just expect a random human-turned-Pokemon would show up?

Enzax: Convenient bed is convenient.[/b]

"R-Really! Thanks!"

[b]Dio: "Just don't look under it."

"Why not?"

"Er...no reason."

Enzax: Don’t mind the red crayon, the last guest was a bit rough.

Daisuke: I swear, these Pokemon and drawing blood…they’ll grow up to be in a gang, I tell you.

[color=teal]Squirtle Squirtle[/color] [/b]

Dyl hugged Mudkip and spin around the room.

[b]Daisuke: HE HUGGED MUDKIP AND SPIN AROUND

Dio: GOTTA GET BACK IN TIME~ Really, what is with the tense changes?

Enzax: LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN~[/b]

Mudkip stopped them and looked at Dyl.

[b]Daisuke: And it was love at first sight.

Dio: *plays sappy romantic music*

Enzax: NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND HURT YOU~[/b]

"Wanta make a Rescue Team? To help the troubled Pokemon!"

[b]Enzax: To protect the world from devastation-

Dio: Well that was...an odd thing to ask the guy you just met.

Daisuke: What an odd thing to ask in general. It’s like talking about pizza one moment, then saving the world the next.[/b]

"I guess if it's to help Pokemon."

[b]Enzax: To Unite all peoples within our nation-

Daisuke: “No, it’s for the money.”

Dio: WE ALREADY KNOW IT'S TO HELP-screw it. Times like this I wish I was-

[color=Green]James.[/color]

Dio: -WHATHOWWHY-nevermind.

Enzax: To denounce the evils of truth and love-[/b]

"Yeah! And I have the perfect name for our team! Team Dreamers!"

[b]Dio: "The name's bullsh-"
"PERFECT NAME."

Daisuke: IT IS BRIMMING WITH PERFECTION.

Enzax: To extend our reach to the stars above-[/b]

"Yeah! I like it!"

[b]Dio: I don't. But who cares what I think.

Enzax: Jesse, James-[/b]

"Team Dreamers go!"

[b]Enzax: Killed it.

Dio: YOU MIGHTY MORPHIN-whoops, wrong place.

Daisuke: These two are awfully in synch, considering they just met.[/b]

They stuck their hands in the air and yelled Team Dreamers.

[b]Dio: Two things. 1. Quotation marks needed. 2. Nelson obviously fell backwards after doing so. HE'S NOT A MARSHTOP.

Enzax: All without the expected Fanfare, shocking.

Daisuke: “Yeah, we’re totally NOT flat characters!”[/b]

Today was the day that Dyl's adventure back to the real world started.... and it won't end soon.

[b]Dio: Oh god, why.

Enzax: I’d rather it ended very soon.

Daisuke: At least the chapter will end soon.[/b]

A small Ambipom walked into a purple portal. He skipped down a small road in the portal to a dead end.

[b]Dio: Purple port-HE'S A PART OF ORGANIZATION XIII!

Enzax: QUICK GET MY KEYBLADE!

Daisuke: QUICK. LET US USE THAT PURPLE PORTAL TO BE ANYWHERE BUT HERE.[/b]

"M-Master~?"

[b]Dio: ...you sick bastard.

Enzax: Sick fetish is sick.

Daisuke: Don’t make me have to bring Yorui into this.[/b]

A huge dark figure appeared.

[b]Daisuke: A dark figure of darkness, and evil.

Dio: So much detail.

Enzax: This guy is totally not generic.

Dio: I shall call him...Bruce.
[/b]

?

"Yes my loyal Ambipom."

[b]Enzax: Shouldn’t there be a question mark there?

Daisuke: And a comma between ‘yes’, and ‘my’, but this is horrible as is. Let’s not sweat the details.[/b]

"I found the Pokemon!

[b]Daisuke: “Which one? There’s over 600, you know?”[/b]

It's a Pichu! A wimpy little Pichu!"

[b]Dio: WIMPY WIMPY WIMPY!

Enzax: As opposed to the contradictory strong Pichu?

Daisuke: How does he know it’s wimpy? Has he faced the Pichu in mortal combat?[/b]

?
"So the thing that entered the Pokemon World is a Pichu...

[b]Daisuke: No it’s a Raichu.

Dio: STOP. REPEATING. THE SAME. BULL.

Enzax: Such a Generic name for a world.[/b]

Thank you, Ambipom."
The dark figure disappeared and Ambipom walked away with a smile.

[b]Dio: ...the end? YES! Much shorter than the story which shall not be named.

Enzax: I can finally stop drinking this liquid Asprin?

Daisuke: Oh god. At least it was mercifully short. *starts to walk away*

[color=Blue]Don’t you have to give an ending report?[/color]

Daisuke: I do? No. No. I will not. I WILL NOT. *runs away*

[color=Blue]Um…alright, then I, Yorui, and my Digimon, Squirtle, say hi Squirtle,[/color]

[color=Teal]…Squirt- Squirtle?[/color]

[color=Blue]Shall give the ending report! All in all, this fic lacked depth, I mean really, what kind of baka aims to make their characters so 2-dimensional? You have to give them more unique traits, and things that set them apart! Also, don’t forget, description is important, describe your setting, even if just a little bit! And finally, don’t make dark figures, because this doesn’t look as cool in writing as it does in movies and stuff! *victory pose* [/color]

[color=Teal]Squirtle, Squirt! *victory pose mimic*[/color] [/b]
[/spoiler]
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A20thCenturyBoy Newbie

A20thCenturyBoy

Posted
Posted
[quote name='I am Fate. Embrace me.' timestamp='1299396268' post='5054761']
Hmm... Don't let some unintelligent guy and his crappy review get you down, Pichu, buddy. This is a high caliber Fan Fic. I will let nobody put you down.
[/quote]
We take offense to that.

It's unintelligent GUYS, thank you very much.
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I am Fate. Embrace me. Newbie

I am Fate. Embrace me.

Posted
Posted
[quote name='A20thCenturyBoy' timestamp='1299435634' post='5055781']
We take offense to that.

It's unintelligent GUYS, thank you very much.
[/quote]

Clearly you helped with that review.

[quote name='A20thCenturyBoy' timestamp='1299435634' post='5055781']
We take offense to that.

It's unintelligent GUYS, thank you very much.
[/quote]

Clearly you helped with that review.
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Deathcore Newbie

Deathcore

Posted
Posted
[quote name='I am Fate. Embrace me.' timestamp='1299474606' post='5057279']
Clearly you helped with that review.



Clearly you helped with that review.
[/quote]

You do know that a lot of people do that, don't you? It's called comedy. Pichu has no problem with it, so just let it go.
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