Makο Posted April 19, 2011 Report Share Posted April 19, 2011 Well now...that was something. To be honest, I didn't know my story was next. When I found out, I was half scared, half delighted. Well, here goes nothing. [quote] [spoiler=Chapter 7: 24/Seven] [b]Welcome, to another segment of Fan Fix-tion Riffview. Today (and probably tomorrow, reviewing bad fics takes time and grit) we’ll be reviewing Sabotage’s fic, [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/240751-new-moon/]New Moon[/url]. This is apparently an original story, so hopefully we’ll get some interesting stuff. Then again, there’s a “Plot summary”. From my experience, that’s seldom a good sign. And of course, I will not be reading said plot.[/b] [i][s]Jerk[/s] You should've read it. It would'll make a difference later on in the story. Also, remember Code Geass? Plot Summary~[/i] - I know, the story is called New Moon. But there is no relation to Twilight or anything else. [b]Daisuke: How misled I was, coming into a story subtitled “original story”, thinking it was going to contain sparkly, vegetarian vampires. [i]People would've gotten the wrong idea eventually. I put up that probably for newbs who don't know otherwise, when I think about it.[/i] Dio: There's not even a relation to a new moon?[/b] [i]There is. PLOT SUMMARY DAMMIT.[/i] - I have the right to stop this story or procrastinate at any time I see fit. [b]Daisuke: And we have the right to stop reading because the writer is being mean to us.[/b] [b]Dio: But we won't, because we [s]despise[/s] love you all. [/b] - I don't name my chapters. Too bad. [b]Daisuke: The best way to start your story in a good way is to mouth off to the readers in a rude fashion before your story begins.[/b] [b]Dio: "Oh, my word! The author is being quite unsavory. I believe I will stop reading now."[/b] [i]Hey, give me a break. It may be a little rude, but...Meh. I have no excuse on this one. Point Valid.[/i] -Any mistakes in Grammar or plot that you find you be great to point out. [b]Daisuke: I found one already.[/b] [i]Capitalizing Grammar for me is instinct.[/i] Well, I don't see anything else I need to add. [b]Daisuke: Why not “Characters” after “Plot Summary”, while you’re at it?[/b] [b]Dio: Or THE END perhaps?[/b] [i]@Dai That's what the story is for.[/i] Date / / / Confirmed. Reading - - - - 2117, A.D. Location / / / Determined. [b]Daisuke: Because “Confirmed” is so SO last sentence.[/b] [i]Just trying to not be repetitive here. I struggle with preventing that.[/i] Grid Coordinates - - - - 134/5592 Current Objective / / / Classified. Shut down initiated. [b]Daisuke: Can I mention how I thought this was going to be a Halo fic from this?[/b] [i]I did a Halo fic once, when I was about, what, 12? It was actually a good idea...hmmm...[/i] [b]Dio: YES, SHUT DOWN, PLEASE, SAVE US THE TROUBLE.[/b] [i]No u[/i] The horizon began to blow up with a dust storm, [b]Daisuke: Dust storms: They’re such dangerous explosive weapons they can blow up horizons.[/b] [i]You know what I meant.[/i] enveloping anything in its path. PVT. Holt Novara put down his binoculars with a huff. [b]Daisuke: Those are some pretty heavy binoculars, huh?[/b] [i]It was supposed to be a depressed, bored sigh.[/i] [b]Dio: "Sir, did we really have to get the 50 lb pack?"[/b] [i]*enter lulz here*[/i] He looked around at the area around him. [b]Daisuke: As opposed to looking around him at the area in front of him.[/b] [i]If you're bored, would you just look at one spot?[/i] A few men patrolled the walls, looking just about as thrilled as Holt was. [b]Daisuke: He was thrilled? I got the impression he was sick of whatever he was doing.[/b] [i]Implying that you didn't understand the whole "with a huff" part.[/i] [b]Dio: "OH MAN, I'M SO FREAKING PSYCHED FOR THIS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"[/b] A large pedestal laid flat on the wall, with a small control panel next to it. The area within the outpost was nothing but dirt and a large, solid bio-dome in the middle. He looked back out at his surroundings. Still, nothing. [b]Daisuke: He expected there to be something between the span of several seconds he looked away?[/b] [i]Yes. Because boredom does that to people.[/i] He peered over at his commanding officer. He was looking out at the horizon intently, as if expecting something to peer out from it. [b]Dio: Peekaboo. I. SEE. YOU![/b] [b]Daisuke: That’s tantamount to telling us something’s going to peer out from it.[/b] Holt cleared his throat and looked at him. “Hey, Sarge. You ever wonder why we’re here?” The sergeant didn’t avert his gaze from the dirt plain. [b]Dio: "Well-"[/b] “Well, it’s one of life’s greatest mysteries. Were we the result of some freak event? Were we constructed by a larger caste of creatures? Is there really a God?” He replied. [b]Dio: a****** JACKED MY LINE[/b] [i]Too slow, you are.[/i] Holt blinked twice before responding. “…What? No, not like that. I mean why are we at this outpost?” [b]Daisuke: “Well, you’ve obviously been briefed about all the details beforehand, but since you’re such a failure you can’t remember, I’ll tell you again.”[/b] [i]The lackeys aren't told anything here.[/i] The officer peered over at him. “Oh…we are here to defend this outpost from potential threats. [b]Daisuke: Potential threats? I thought they were here for something specific. But oh well, I guess there’s no pre-battle tension waiting for Holt to fight the Covenant, or the Flood or something.[/b] [i]Can it. Anyway, they are on the DEFENSIVE. Although, you would've picked up on that if you kept reading.[/i] [b]Dio: Unless...WE'RE THE THREAT! THIS IS EPIC![/b] For within the dome is a large deposit of Helium-6, the largest in this area. Command gave us this order personally. If we can harness this H6, he is confident that we will be able to grow into the largest, most powerful faction in this area. With the H6, we will also be able to purchase some…larger…weapons.” [b]Daisuke: Time to…make my speech dramatic…by using ellipses…in succession.[/b] [i]He just paused to think of a word to use.[/i] [b]Dio: Mr...Spock. Set all phasers...to stun.[/b] He reverted his gaze to the horizon. Holt stared into the sky, mind full of wonder as to what they will be able to purchase with the resources. [b]Daisuke: Hate to be nitpicky, but it really should be “would” instead of “will”, since it’s not certain they’ll be able to harness it yet. (as stated by Sergeant Dramatic)[/b] [i]They WILL be using it. It's common logic. I mean, just because they haven't doesn't mean they can't.[/i] He imagined a giant tank, rumbling around the plains, with giant missile launchers and enormous cannons. [b]Daisuke: They can’t even afford tanks with big guns and missile launchers? That’s like the Navy not being able to afford big ships.[/b] [i]Again, Plot Summary. That explains it. You know, tiny outpost, small faction, not big on funds?[/i] [b]Dio: Or like Michael Bay not being able to afford high explosives.[/b] [i]That happened once.[/i] He watched his imaginary tank as it rolled over an enemy strike force, [b]Daisuke: “Instead of shooting at them with said big guns."[/b] [i]Rolled over not being used literally.[/i] watching them beg for mercy at its incredible power. [b]Daisuke: I’m pretty sure if a tank rolled over me I’d be screaming in pain if not dead, not screaming for mercy.[/b] [b]Dio: "PLEASE, MER-SWEET GOD, MY LEG!"[/b] [i]This is his imagination. What do you expect from him?[/i] He shook his fists in the air, mouthing the words “That’s right, beg you mongrels!” He became power hungry over the very thought of anything larger than an ISS-Turret (Industrial Steel Shredder). [b]Daisuke: So aside from knowing he’s so weak carrying binoculars is an effort for him, and knowing he has short-term memory loss…this is our protagonist, folks.[/b] [i]See previous bored statment.[/i] [b]Dio: DON'T TALK ABOUT MEMORY-[/b] [b][color=Green]Hello.[/color][/b] [b]Dio: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU[/b] Holt continued on with his fantasies, receiving strange glances from nearby soldiers. His daydreaming was soon interrupted, rudely. [b]Daisuke: You sure it wasn’t interrupted nicely?[/b] He could hear a light wooshing sound. [b]Daisuke: Woosh[/b] [i]More like wooooooooooooosh.[/i] [b]Dio: LOOK! UP IN THE SKY![/b] It was growing, growing, soon becoming the most obvious noise in the area. Other soldiers looked around, puzzled. [b]Daisuke: But not Holt, oh no. He kept his composure, as he was used to dealing with rapidly-growing woosh sounds.[/b] [i]It is implied that if the others are puzzled, he will be as well.[/i] [b]Dio: IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S-[/b] Suddenly, an RPG flew straight into the outpost’s wall. A hunk of the wall came tumbling down, taking a soldier with it. [b]Dio: -Death. It's Death.[/b] [i]Lulz were had here.[/i] The unnamed man [b]Daisuke: “His parents hated him so they gave him no name.”[/b] [i]Holt does not know his name.[/i] grabbed onto the edge of the wall, desperately. Holt snapped himself out of his thoughts and rushed over the soldier’s aid, pulling him up from the edge. Holt lifted his binoculars back up and scanned the horizon. The trooper that he saved looked at him. “Do you see anyone?” [b]Daisuke: Yes, let’s not thank the guy that just saved you, and instead demand they give you information.[/b] [i]Lulz were here too. Although, in a war scenario, it's better to thank the guy who saved you AFTER the firefight. "Hey dude, thanks for saving m-"*Kablam*[/i] Holt focused on a group of movement. “Ok…I can see one…no, make that two. Three…ten. I see ten. Wait, thirty, forty, APCs, jeeps…” [b]Daisuke: What. [i]He's counted them out as he surkeys the area.[/i] I mean, I can see this working in a movie, as maybe “10...no, 20” because it’s an estimate, but to go from one to forty is a pretty large gap. Get contact lenses, Holt.[/b] [i]He's counted them out as he surveys the area. They are slowly revealing themselves as well, coming over the horizon. ! And not in the ways you think, you pervert.[/i] [b]Dio: Apparently eyesight problems get you far in the army.[/b] He yelled to his sergeant. “I see a whole bloody battalion out there!” [b]Daisuke: Damn Holt and his blindness.[/b] “Then grab your weapons, soldiers. We are on the defensive.” The sergeant said with a cold tone. [b]Daisuke: I can see him using a cold tone towards enemies, but not allies. Maybe a steady tone, but…then again, maybe he dislikes his companions. Wouldn’t be surprised, considering one of them is Holt.[/b] [i]It's his personality. It's just the way he speaks.[/i] [b][color=Green]He is not the mayor.[/color][/b] [b]Dio: WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS ASS, THETRUEACEATTORNEY?! WHY?![/b] The other soldiers in the outpost began to panic. [b]Daisuke: And now I wholeheartedly believe the sergeant would dislike them. His only back-up consists of a bunch of cowards that call themselves soldiers, and Holt, the nearsighted good-guy-gone-bad waiting to happen.[/b] [i]Wat. Anyway, if you read farther into the story, it'll make sense as to why they panicked.[/i] They had never fought an enemy force of such size and proportions. [b]Daisuke: Proportion relates to the size of something, so you could just make it magnitude, which is probably what you were aiming for.[/b] [i]Proportion, relating to the size of the force.[/i] They scurried around the base, yelling different commands to an imaginary fighting force. [b]Dio: "COCO, YOU TAKE THE TURRETS! BLOO, WILT, YOU'RE WITH ME!"[/b] [b]Daisuke: And here’s where I’m lost.[/b] [i]They are all in a state of panic. They assume they have a lot more men in the base. WHICH THEY DON'T. Thus, imaginary.[/i] “Quick! Grab the RPGs! Aim for the treads!” [b]Daisuke: You can’t aim for a verb. Holt:Yes I can! I see it! It’s one…no, two. No, fifty…no, one hundred! Daisuke: Shut up Holt.[/b] [i]Great, now Holt's associated with counting and sight issues.[/i] [b]Dio: Actually, treads ARE part of a tank. I'm sorry that Daisuke was rude to you, Ho- Holt: No, one thousand! Dio: Nevermind, go to hell.[/b] “Keep yourself steady. They can’t fight to well, can they?” [b]Daisuke: I’m guessing this is a dialogue between the Sergeant and Holt, since he knows Holt will likely miss, and the others can’t fight well. Or maybe the soldiers not only are cowards, but also are stupid enough to assume their enemies suck.[/b] [i]These are several soldiers in the base, all talking at once. BUT NOT EXACTLY AT ONCE. Bah, you should know what I mean. And if you don't you're retarded.[/i] “Someone arm the LMG! Take out their infantry!” “Does anyone else smell that burning? We might have a fire down here!” [b]Daisuke: If you smell burning, there’s no “might” about a fire being there! It’s there! And it’s causing the burning! Why are you soldiers so stupid?! WHY?![/b] [b]Dio: Could be the waffles in the toaster. [color=teal]Squirt![/color] [color=blue]I love pajamas and linge-[/color] Dio: BEGONE, VILE WITCH OF ASSORTED NIGHTLY GARMENTS!...AND TURTLE! [color=teal] Squirt?[/color] [color=blue]Don't let it get you down, Captain Blorbalot![/color] [color=teal]...squirt ;_;[/color] [/b] Holt’s commanding officer went up to him. “Look again. Tell me what you see.” [b]Daisuke: Here his Sergeant has begun to suspect Holt’s nearsightedness, and is testing his theory.[/b] He peered back into the binoculars. “I see roughly 64 Infantry, 3 APCs, 4 Jeeps, armed with LMGs and Javelin Rockets.” [b]Dio: HOW ARE YOU SO PRECISE NOW?![/b] [i]Because he counted?[/i] [b]Daisuke: Didn’t he say there were 40 before? Damn it, Holt.[/b] [i]See previous answer.[/i] “What flag are they under?” The sergeant asked. “I see no visible flag, sir. Just troops.” Holt responded. “Than they are just pirates, [b]Daisuke: Than I stopped reading this fic because I realized it sucked.[/b] [i]YARGH, YE BE INSULTIN ME WORKS. I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR SUCH TREACHERY.[/i] a work force for hire looking to make a quick buck. [b]Dio: The term "pirate" usually refers to those who rob and pillage on the sea or those who download illegally. DON'T DO EITHER.[/b] [i]Well, there goes the weekend.[/i] [b]Daisuke: Presumably, Holt also suffers from what affects all the other soldiers except for the Sergeant. It’s called stupidity. So the Sergeant must explain to him what pirates are. Except instead he described what mercenaries are. Damn it, Sergeant.[/b] [i]In this scenario, it's pretty hard to tell whether someone is a pirate, faction member, mercenary, or idiot. Well, scratch that last one.[/i] Most don’t even have proper combat training.” The officer raised his voice, to make sure that the others could hear him. “Are we going to let a few pirates crush our moral? [b]Dio: PROOFREAD. It's morale. Daisuke: Oh come on, Dio, don't crush his moral[/b] [i]Ok, ok. I misspelled it. Point Valid.[/i] Are we gonna let them waltz in and steal what is rightfully ours? [b]Daisuke: You can’t wield it, and we have no back story on this. WHY is it rightfully yours?[/b] [i]Greed. That just about explains everything.[/i] Are we gonna beg at their feet, asking for mercy? [b]Daisuke: Or die in a blaze of glory. Whatever works.[/b] [i]idungetit.[/i] I should think not. Lets let these bastards know just who they are dealing with!” [b]Daisuke: “[s]Let’s[/s] Lets let these bastards know just who [s]they’re[/s] they are dealing with!”? No one says “they are” when they speak. Most likely they’d say “Let’s show these bastards who they’re dealing with”. Don’t try to experiment if it makes you look like a [s]soldier from this fic[/s] bad writer.[/b] [i]Geez, ok. I'm not perfect, you know.[/i] “Oohra!” Several voices yelled at once. [b]Daisuke: The other ones just didn’t care enough.[/b] [i]Lol'd.[/i] [b]Dio: One missing letter and the several voices could all be Star Platinum.[/b] [i]Wat.[/i] The sergeant began commanding the troops to their respective locations, telling them to dig in. [b]Daisuke: Of course, we’re being told this, instead of show this. Wonderful.[/b] The sergeant himself grabbed a SIAR (Standard Issue Assault Rifle) and took cover behind a wall. There was a moment of silence right before the battle. The calm before the storm. [b]Dio: Then they all got killed. END.[/b] [b]Daisuke: Oooh, that so makes me want to read more. Not. This fic, while definitely not one of the worst, was also not one of the best. (not that any of them are). It’s just pretty boring. Nothing to hook the reader but the thought of violence against an unknown force that magically grows in numbers (to spare myself from insulting Holt’s eyesight again). The only named character is Holt, and aside from the Sergeant, I like none of the characters. And even then, my liking of the Sergeant took a blow when I learned he could not differentiate a pirate from a mercenary. Definitely not hopeless, but proofreading would be nice. It needs more interesting stuff, and less…of the stuff that it’s composed of now.[/b] [b]Dio: In short, work on it. Simple as that. PLAY US OUT, CRAWFORD! [color=green]Be a dear and take me to the hospital, I'm bleeding to death.[/color] Holt: Why's everyone bleeding? Daisuke: ...God DAMMIT Holt...[/b] [i]Ok. When I look back on it, it could use a lot of work in some areas. But, as with most things, the story gets better as it progresses. Also, I think the reason some of it was...odd, to say the least, was because I wrote it out like a movie script, as I imagined it in my head. Meh. Whatever. Anyway, I lol'd throughout, and still am a fan. Keep up the reviews, and thanks for being perfectly [s]sarcastic[/s] honest.[/i][/spoiler] [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2011 Glad you enjoyed it. Few things; 1. People should NOOOOT have to read "Plot Summary" or any derivative thereof to understand anything. 2. You really should NOOOOOOT write a story like you would a movie script. Ever. 3. The "Than I stopped reading this fic because I realized it sucked" thing was to point out you mispelled Then as Than, a common mistake. 4. People shouldn't only come to understand something later in the story. You should hint at it gradually, and if it's something like "small outpost, littlle resources", then you can kinda tell us somehow. (better yet, show us.) 5. I still think your soldiers are idiots. Aside from those, good luck with your [s]crappy soldiers[/s] fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A20thCenturyBoy Posted April 19, 2011 Report Share Posted April 19, 2011 Just try to make it flow more smoothly, and don't treat the reader like they're stupid. Not saying you mean to, but it's how it comes off. It pops up a couple times. [b]Holt: Once-no, twice! NO, A THOUSAND-[/b] Shut up, Holt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted April 19, 2011 Report Share Posted April 19, 2011 [quote] For within the dome is a large deposit of Helium-6, the largest in this area. [/quote] Helium-6 would be dreadfully dull, if it can exist at all. It would be a heavier and less stable Helium. Helium does not make good fuel. Helium does not make good anything, except balloon filling. It is the least reactive element in existence. Sci-fi supercommandos would have no use for it. And now, to be ridiculously meta, I will now make commentary on the author's commentary of the reviewers' commentary on the author's story. And, since that spoiler was in a quote, I had to reformat everything myself. BE GRATEFUL. My words will be underlines, since that's the only formatting device I have left. [b] Welcome, to another segment of Fan Fix-tion Riffview. Today (and probably tomorrow, reviewing bad fics takes time and grit) we’ll be reviewing Sabotage’s fic, New Moon. This is apparently an original story, so hopefully we’ll get some interesting stuff. Then again, there’s a “Plot summary”. From my experience, that’s seldom a good sign. And of course, I will not be reading said plot.[/b] [i][s]Jerk[/s] You should've read it. It would'll make a difference later on in the story. Also, remember Code Geass? Plot Summary~[/i] [u]One sec, reading your plot summary... Well, I'll start by tackling your comment. Code Geass does NOT start with a plot summary, it begins with background information - also poor form, but different. Second, while it does dump information, this is also information you get in the first episode. 1. [s]Britain[/s] [s]America[/s] BRITANNIA likes shooting things. 2. Japan = Area 11. 3. MECHS ARE AWESOME. Thirdly, visual media cannot Tell as artfully as written media. Lastly, it's still poor form. It's not the only thing Code Geass does that isn't good form. And then that plot summary of yours. Why is the moon full of generic sci-fi super-compounds?[/u] - I know, the story is called New Moon. But there is no relation to Twilight or anything else. [b]Daisuke: How misled I was, coming into a story subtitled “original story”, thinking it was going to contain sparkly, vegetarian vampires.[/b] [i]People would've gotten the wrong idea eventually. I put up that probably for newbs who don't know otherwise, when I think about it. [/i] [b]Dio: There's not even a relation to a new moon?[/b] [i]There is. PLOT SUMMARY DAMMIT.[/i] [u]The plot summary is the equivalent of the Back Of The Book. A good author dreads what drivel will be put on their Back Of The Book and ruin their carefully laid out plot structure.[/u] - I have the right to stop this story or procrastinate at any time I see fit. [b]Daisuke: And we have the right to stop reading because the writer is being mean to us. Dio: But we won't, because we [s]despise[/s] love you all.[/b] - I don't name my chapters. Too bad. [b] Daisuke: The best way to start your story in a good way is to mouth off to the readers in a rude fashion before your story begins. Dio: "Oh, my word! The author is being quite unsavory. I believe I will stop reading now."[/b] [i]Hey, give me a break. It may be a little rude, but...Meh. I have no excuse on this one. Point Valid.[/i] -Any mistakes in Grammar or plot that you find you be great to point out. [b] Daisuke: I found one already.[/b] [i]Capitalizing Grammar for me is instinct.[/i] [u]"...that you find you be great to point out... Somehow I don't think he was talking about the 'Grammar'.[/u] Well, I don't see anything else I need to add. [b]Daisuke: Why not “Characters” after “Plot Summary”, while you’re at it? Dio: Or THE END perhaps?[/b] [i]@Dai That's what the story is for.[/i] [u]Apparently, you didn't get it.[/u] Date / / / Confirmed. Reading - - - - 2117, A.D. Location / / / Determined. [b]Daisuke: Because “Confirmed” is so SO last sentence.[/b] [i]Just trying to not be repetitive here. I struggle with preventing that.[/i] [u]Good, good. The one time it would [i]not[/i] be appropriate to switch up words, the author decides to do so.[/u] Grid Coordinates - - - - 134/5592 Current Objective / / / Classified. Shut down initiated. [b]Daisuke: Can I mention how I thought this was going to be a Halo fic from this?[/b] [i]I did a Halo fic once, when I was about, what, 12? It was actually a good idea...hmmm...[/i] [u]NO THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE I AM A NINTENDO FANBOY SO HALO SUX I KNOW BECAUSE I PLAYED SUPER MARIO GALAXY. IT MAKES SENSE IF YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.[/u] [b]Dio: YES, SHUT DOWN, PLEASE, SAVE US THE TROUBLE.[/b] [i]No u[/i] The horizon began to blow up with a dust storm, [b] Daisuke: Dust storms: They’re such dangerous explosive weapons they can blow up horizons.[/b] [i]You know what I meant.[/i] [u]helo im vrey good student plz i r wan 2 go 2 ur colege pl0x You know what I meant, so it's okay.[/u] enveloping anything in its path. PVT. Holt Novara put down his binoculars with a huff. [b]Daisuke: Those are some pretty heavy binoculars, huh?[/b] [i]It was supposed to be a depressed, bored sigh.[/i] [u]A huff isn't a depressed, bored, or depressed-and-bored sigh. Huffing is an onomatopoeia (SAT word, kids) of a forced expulsion of air. It is, in fact, exactly the kind of sound you'd make after setting down a fifty pound set of binoculars. Speaking of which...[/u] [b]Dio: "Sir, did we really have to get the 50 lb pack?"[/b] [i]*enter lulz here*[/i] [u]L U L Z Entered.[/u] He looked around at the area around him. [b]Daisuke: As opposed to looking around him at the area in front of him.[/b] [i]If you're bored, would you just look at one spot?[/i] [u]He looked [b]around[/b] at the area [b]around[/b] him. u c?[/u] A few men patrolled the walls, looking just about as thrilled as Holt was. [b] Daisuke: He was thrilled? I got the impression he was sick of whatever he was doing. [/b] [i]Implying that you didn't understand the whole "with a huff" part.[/i] [u]No, no, here I could tell he was bored even with the misuse of "huff". I'm reasonably good with that whole sarcasm business.[/u] [b]Dio: "OH MAN, I'M SO FREAKING PSYCHED FOR THIS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"[/b] A large pedestal laid flat on the wall, with a small control panel next to it. The area within the outpost was nothing but dirt and a large, solid bio-dome in the middle. He looked back out at his surroundings. Still, nothing. [b]Daisuke: He expected there to be something between the span of several seconds he looked away?[/b] [i]Yes. Because boredom does that to people.[/i] [u]I have no problem with this, either.[/u] He peered over at his commanding officer. He was looking out at the horizon intently, as if expecting something to peer out from it. [b]Dio: Peekaboo. I. SEE. YOU![/b] [b] Daisuke: That’s tantamount to telling us something’s going to peer out from it.[/b] Holt cleared his throat and looked at him. “Hey, Sarge. You ever wonder why we’re here?” The sergeant didn’t avert his gaze from the dirt plain. [b]Dio: "Well-"[/b] “Well, it’s one of life’s greatest mysteries. Were we the result of some freak event? Were we constructed by a larger caste of creatures? Is there really a God?” He replied. [b] Dio: a****** JACKED MY LINE[/b] [i]Too slow, you are.[/i] [u]As fun as that was, it's a bit pointless, particularly since I assume Holt actually wants an answer and isn't just shooting the breeze.[/u] Holt blinked twice before responding. “…What? No, not like that. I mean why are we at this outpost?” [b] Daisuke: “Well, you’ve obviously been briefed about all the details beforehand, but since you’re such a failure you can’t remember, I’ll tell you again.”[/b] [i] The lackeys aren't told anything here.[/i] [u]Setting aside the fact that that's silly, why would the sergeant then...[/u] The officer peered over at him. “Oh…we are here to defend this outpost from potential threats. [b]Daisuke: Potential threats? I thought they were here for something specific. But oh well, I guess there’s no pre-battle tension waiting for Holt to fight the Covenant, or the Flood or something.[/b] [i]Can it. Anyway, they are on the DEFENSIVE. Although, you would've picked up on that if you kept reading.[/i] [b]Dio: Unless...WE'RE THE THREAT! THIS IS EPIC![/b] For within the dome is a large deposit of Helium-6, the largest in this area. Command gave us this order personally. If we can harness this H6, he is confident that we will be able to grow into the largest, most powerful faction in this area. With the H6, we will also be able to purchase some…larger…weapons.” [u]...tell him.[/u] [b]Daisuke: Time to…make my speech dramatic…by using ellipses…in succession. [/b] [i]He just paused to think of a word to use.[/i] [u]Should I say "larger" or "bigger"? Or maybe "better". Hm...[/u] [b]Dio: Mr...Spock. Set all phasers...to stun.[/b] He reverted his gaze to the horizon. Holt stared into the sky, mind full of wonder as to what they will be able to purchase with the resources. [b]Daisuke: Hate to be nitpicky, but it really should be “would” instead of “will”, since it’s not certain they’ll be able to harness it yet. (as stated by Sergeant Dramatic)[/b] [i] They WILL be using it. It's common logic. I mean, just because they haven't doesn't mean they can't.[/i] [u]Then he wouldn't have said "If" we can harness it.[/u] He imagined a giant tank, rumbling around the plains, with giant missile launchers and enormous cannons. [b]Daisuke: They can’t even afford tanks with big guns and missile launchers? That’s like the Navy not being able to afford big ships.[/b] [i] Again, Plot Summary. That explains it. You know, tiny outpost, small faction, not big on funds?[/i] [b] Dio: Or like Michael Bay not being able to afford high explosives.[/b] [i] That happened once.[/i] He watched his imaginary tank as it rolled over an enemy strike force, [b] Daisuke: “Instead of shooting at them with said big guns."[/b] [i] Rolled over not being used literally.[/i] [u]I'm 'kay with that.[/u] watching them beg for mercy at its incredible power. [b] Daisuke: I’m pretty sure if a tank rolled over me I’d be screaming in pain if not dead, not screaming for mercy. Dio: "PLEASE, MER-SWEET GOD, MY LEG!"[/b] [i]This is his imagination. What do you expect from him?[/i] [u]Okay with that, too.[/u] He shook his fists in the air, mouthing the words “That’s right, beg you mongrels!” He became power hungry over the very thought of anything larger than an ISS-Turret (Industrial Steel Shredder). [b]Daisuke: So aside from knowing he’s so weak carrying binoculars is an effort for him, and knowing he has short-term memory loss…this is our protagonist, folks.[/b] [i]See previous bored statment.[/i] [u]Yeah, when you're bored, you start acting crazily.[/u] [b]Dio: DON'T TALK ABOUT MEMORY-[/b] [color="#2E8B57"]Hello.[/color] [b]Dio: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU[/b] Holt continued on with his fantasies, receiving strange glances from nearby soldiers. His daydreaming was soon interrupted, rudely. [b]Daisuke: You sure it wasn’t interrupted nicely?[/b] He could hear a light wooshing sound. [b]Daisuke: Woosh[/b] [i]More like wooooooooooooosh.[/i] [u]That's probably more of a [i]faint[/i] whooshing sound.[/u] [b]Dio: LOOK! UP IN THE SKY![/b] It was growing, growing, soon becoming the most obvious noise in the area. Other soldiers looked around, puzzled. [b]Daisuke: But not Holt, oh no. He kept his composure, as he was used to dealing with rapidly-growing woosh sounds.[/b] [i]It is implied that if the others are puzzled, he will be as well.[/i] [u]Yes, it would be. But since you specifically indicated that the [i]other[/i] soldiers were looking around, that would indicate he was not.[/u] [b]Dio: IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S-[/b] Suddenly, an RPG flew straight into the outpost’s wall. A hunk of the wall came tumbling down, taking a soldier with it. [b]Dio: -Death. It's Death.[/b] [i] Lulz were had here.[/i] [u]I've always loved that those nice explosives are called Role-Playing Games. I believe it's derived from the fact that they amount of damage it causes is directly equal to the amount of damage caused by an average game of D&D.[/u] The unnamed man [b]Daisuke: “His parents hated him so they gave him no name.”[/b] [i] Holt does not know his name.[/i] [u]"Unnamed" is the state of not having a name, not the state of someone in the world not knowing a person's name.[/u] grabbed onto the edge of the wall, desperately. Holt snapped himself out of his thoughts and rushed over the soldier’s aid, pulling him up from the edge. Holt lifted his binoculars back up and scanned the horizon. The trooper that he saved looked at him. “Do you see anyone?” [b]Daisuke: Yes, let’s not thank the guy that just saved you, and instead demand they give you information.[/b] [i] Lulz were here too. Although, in a war scenario, it's better to thank the guy who saved you AFTER the firefight. "Hey dude, thanks for saving m-"*Kablam*[/i] Holt focused on a group of movement. “Ok…I can see one…no, make that two. Three…ten. I see ten. Wait, thirty, forty, APCs, jeeps…” [b]Daisuke: What.[/b] [i]He's counted them out as he surkeys the area.[/i] [b]I mean, I can see this working in a movie, as maybe “10...no, 20” because it’s an estimate, but to go from one to forty is a pretty large gap. Get contact lenses, Holt.[/b] [i] He's counted them out as he surveys the area. They are slowly revealing themselves as well, coming over the horizon. ! And not in the ways you think, you pervert.[/i] [u]You thought of it, not me. But back to the "estimate": even if he was counting them, wouldn't it be immediately obvious there's more than one?[/u] [b] Dio: Apparently eyesight problems get you far in the army.[/b] He yelled to his sergeant. “I see a whole bloody battalion out there!” [b] Daisuke: Damn Holt and his blindness.[/b] “Then grab your weapons, soldiers. We are on the defensive.” The sergeant said with a cold tone. [b]Daisuke: I can see him using a cold tone towards enemies, but not allies. Maybe a steady tone, but…then again, maybe he dislikes his companions. Wouldn’t be surprised, considering one of them is Holt.[/b] [i]It's his personality. It's just the way he speaks.[/i] [u]Eh, this is too subjective.[/u] [color="#2E8B57"]He is not the mayor.[/color] [b]Dio: WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS ASS, THETRUEACEATTORNEY?! WHY?![/b] The other soldiers in the outpost began to panic. [b]Daisuke: And now I wholeheartedly believe the sergeant would dislike them. His only back-up consists of a bunch of cowards that call themselves soldiers, and Holt, the nearsighted good-guy-gone-bad waiting to happen.[/b] [i] Wat. Anyway, if you read farther into the story, it'll make sense as to why they panicked.[/i] [u]The question is valid. Why would soldiers run around panicking?[/u] They had never fought an enemy force of such size and proportions. [b]Daisuke: Proportion relates to the size of something, so you could just make it magnitude, which is probably what you were aiming for.[/b] [i]Proportion, relating to the size of the force. [/i] [u]Magnitude would be the correct word.[/u] They scurried around the base, yelling different commands to an imaginary fighting force. [b] Dio: "COCO, YOU TAKE THE TURRETS! BLOO, WILT, YOU'RE WITH ME!" Daisuke: And here’s where I’m lost.[/b] [i]They are all in a state of panic. They assume they have a lot more men in the base. WHICH THEY DON'T. Thus, imaginary.[/i] [u]So, they...didn't know how many men were in an outpost they had been in long enough to become very bored and restless?[/u] “Quick! Grab the RPGs! Aim for the treads!” [b]Daisuke: You can’t aim for a verb. Holt:Yes I can! I see it! It’s one…no, two. No, fifty…no, one hundred! Daisuke: Shut up Holt.[/b] [i]Great, now Holt's associated with counting and sight issues.[/i] [b]Dio: Actually, treads ARE part of a tank. I'm sorry that Daisuke was rude to you, Ho- Holt: No, one thousand! Dio: Nevermind, go to hell.[/b] “Keep yourself steady. They can’t fight to well, can they?” [b] Daisuke: I’m guessing this is a dialogue between the Sergeant and Holt, since he knows Holt will likely miss, and the others can’t fight well. Or maybe the soldiers not only are cowards, but also are stupid enough to assume their enemies suck.[/b] [i]These are several soldiers in the base, all talking at once. BUT NOT EXACTLY AT ONCE. Bah, you should know what I mean. And if you don't you're retarded.[/i] [u]Well, I know what you mean there, but I don't know who can't fight to[b]o[/b] well, although I assume it's the outpost's soldiers with imaginary friends.[/u] “Someone arm the LMG! Take out their infantry!” “Does anyone else smell that burning? We might have a fire down here!” [b] Daisuke: If you smell burning, there’s no “might” about a fire being there! It’s there! And it’s causing the burning! Why are you soldiers so stupid?! WHY?! Dio: Could be the waffles in the toaster. [/b] [color="#48D1CC"]Squirt![/color] [color="#0000FF"]I love pajamas and linge-[/color] [u]Goddamnit I have to put in the colors for all these, you know![/u] [b]Dio: BEGONE, VILE WITCH OF ASSORTED NIGHTLY GARMENTS!...AND TURTLE![/b] [color="#48D1CC"]Squirt?[/color] [color="#0000FF"]Don't let it get you down, Captain Blorbalot! [/color] [color="#48D1CC"]...squirt ;_;[/color] Holt’s commanding officer went up to him. “Look again. Tell me what you see.” [b]Daisuke: Here his Sergeant has begun to suspect Holt’s nearsightedness, and is testing his theory.[/b] He peered back into the binoculars. “I see roughly 64 Infantry, 3 APCs, 4 Jeeps, armed with LMGs and Javelin Rockets.” [b]Dio: HOW ARE YOU SO PRECISE NOW?![/b] [i]Because he counted?[/i] [u]Then it wouldn't be "roughly". And then, he actually decided to [i]count[/i] every single person?[/u] [b]Daisuke: Didn’t he say there were 40 before? Damn it, Holt.[/b] [i]See previous answer.[/i] “What flag are they under?” The sergeant asked. “I see no visible flag, sir. Just troops.” Holt responded. “Than they are just pirates, [b]Daisuke: Than I stopped reading this fic because I realized it sucked.[/b] [i]YARGH, YE BE INSULTIN ME WORKS. I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR SUCH TREACHERY.[/i] a work force for hire looking to make a quick buck. [b]Dio: The term "pirate" usually refers to those who rob and pillage on the sea or those who download illegally. DON'T DO EITHER.[/b] [i]Well, there goes the weekend.[/i] [u]So as long as I don't download them, I'm okay? YES! *continues to watch ZeXal on Youtube.*[/u] [b]Daisuke: Presumably, Holt also suffers from what affects all the other soldiers except for the Sergeant. It’s called stupidity. So the Sergeant must explain to him what pirates are. Except instead he described what mercenaries are. Damn it, Sergeant.[/b] [i]In this scenario, it's pretty hard to tell whether someone is a pirate, faction member, mercenary, or idiot. Well, scratch that last one.[/i] [u]Well, if not having a flag makes you a piratecenary, wouldn't the fact that Holt sees no flag tell him they're piratecenaries?[/u] Most don’t even have proper combat training.” The officer raised his voice, to make sure that the others could hear him. “Are we going to let a few pirates crush our moral? [b] Dio: PROOFREAD. It's morale. Daisuke: Oh come on, Dio, don't crush his moral[/b] [i]Ok, ok. I misspelled it. Point Valid.[/i] Are we gonna let them waltz in and steal what is rightfully ours? [b] Daisuke: You can’t wield it, and we have no back story on this. WHY is it rightfully yours?[/b] [i]Greed. That just about explains everything.[/i] Are we gonna beg at their feet, asking for mercy? [b] Daisuke: Or die in a blaze of glory. Whatever works.[/b] [i]idungetit.[/i] [u]It's a tiny outpost so disorganized they don't even know how few men they have, up against a battalion of men and tanks. The only reason they're going to win is because they have the main character on their side.[/u] I should think not. Lets let these bastards know just who they are dealing with!” Daisuke: “[s]Let’s[/s] Lets let these bastards know just who they’re they are dealing with!”? No one says “they are” when they speak. Most likely they’d say “Let’s show these bastards who they’re dealing with”. Don’t try to experiment if it makes you look like a[s] soldier from this fic[/s] bad writer. [i] Geez, ok. I'm not perfect, you know.[/i] [u]They're perfect. You're not. Is that what you're saying?[/u] “Oohra!” Several voices yelled at once. [b]Daisuke: The other ones just didn’t care enough.[/b] [i]Lol'd.[/i] [b] Dio: One missing letter and the several voices could all be Star Platinum.[/b] [i]Wat.[/i] [u]I dunno.[/u] The sergeant began commanding the troops to their respective locations, telling them to dig in. [b]Daisuke: Of course, we’re being told this, instead of show this. Wonderful.[/b] The sergeant himself grabbed a SIAR (Standard Issue Assault Rifle) and took cover behind a wall. There was a moment of silence right before the battle. The calm before the storm. [b]Dio: Then they all got killed. END.[/b] [b]Daisuke: Oooh, that so makes me want to read more. Not. This fic, while definitely not one of the worst, was also not one of the best. (not that any of them are). It’s just pretty boring. Nothing to hook the reader but the thought of violence against an unknown force that magically grows in numbers (to spare myself from insulting Holt’s eyesight again). The only named character is Holt, and aside from the Sergeant, I like none of the characters. And even then, my liking of the Sergeant took a blow when I learned he could not differentiate a pirate from a mercenary. Definitely not hopeless, but proofreading would be nice. It needs more interesting stuff, and less…of the stuff that it’s composed of now. Dio: In short, work on it. Simple as that. PLAY US OUT, CRAWFORD![/b] [color="#2E8B57"]Be a dear and take me to the hospital, I'm bleeding to death.[/color] [b]Holt: Why's everyone bleeding? Daisuke: ...God DAMMIT Holt...[/b] Ok. When I look back on it, it could use a lot of work in some areas. But, as with most things, the story gets better as it progresses. [u]That's everyone's (including mine) go-to excuse. Crab has actually bothered to check several times if it's true. And...it's not.[/u] [i]Also, I think the reason some of it was...odd, to say the least, was because I wrote it out like a movie script, as I imagined it in my head. Meh. Whatever. Anyway, I lol'd throughout, and still am a fan. Keep up the reviews, and thanks for being perfectly [s]sarcastic[/s] honest.[/i] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 I've seen fic reviews I've seen reviews of reviews But NEVER, have I seen a review of a reply to a review. +rep for Piratecenaries and lulz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makο Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 Well, that was interesting. A review to a reply of a review? Cool. Well, several points you pointed out were quite valid. Thanks for it. +rep for the lulz throughout. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 Next review will be up...whenever. Tho it might be a special one you guys won't see coming ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2011 While you guys are waiting [spoiler=The Review of One] Guess who's back? Pichu! Pichu's Reviews are back and never better! Let's start shall we? [b]I’d rather not. But better to get this over with.[/b] Over the pass years I've been on YCM, many member have started to review Fan Fictions. Ranging from the crappy ones to Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction. Then I started the reviewing too. [b]Pichu: “Sadly, mine were crappy too.”[/b] Many hate mails and what-not drove me away from YCM. But now I've returned. Let's review! My first review will be on [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/244869-mario-luigi-lost-in-space-remake/"]Mario & Luigi-Lost In Space[Remake][/url] by [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/205642-future-paradise/"]Future Paradise.[/url] Now let's start out good! [i][b]Prelude[/b][/i] So much for the good start... Did you mean Prologue? [i]In the world of Mario & Luigi, many live. A vast amount of creatures roam the worlds, minding to their own business. Everything is peaceful[/i] Since when is Mario peaceful? The fat dragon is always stealing the princess from the plumber... [b]He’s not a dragon, he’s a large Koopa. At least TRY to play the Mario games before reviewing a Mario fic. Though to be fair, it is pretty hectic over in the Mushroom Kingdom.[/b] [i]- until Bowser tries to take over everything, but is always stopped by Mario and company. Bowser then gives up until he devises another plan. Now, Mario and company are back at home in the Mushroom Kingdom ruled by Princess Peach.[/i] Oh God... Peach ruling where you live..... HELL [b]Not really, just have to hire a plumber to rescue her from the fat [s]dragon[/s] Koopa king every few days.[/b] [i]Nothing is out-of-the-ordinary. Currently, it’s late winter, with temperatures at record lows- 32 degrees below normal. The snow is falling at a blinding rate. Several feet have built up. Many people are safe in Peach’s castle.[/i] Safe... in Peach's Castle. [insert lauging crowd here] [b]The only one who’s really in any danger is Peach. It’s not like Bowser the fat dragon king is going to smuggle Toads out of the castle for child labor, he has Goombas for that.[/b] [i]Mario is sitting in the Princess’s bedroom, watching her fall asleep.[/i] Stalker plumber from Hell. [b]More like patient plumber from Hell. A stalker follows people stealthily. If he’s watching her fall asleep he’s not being a stalker.[/b] [i]Little he knows what is to happen next...[/i] YES! The torture is over! Wait. There's chapters to this. F***! [b]What torture? We have not been subjugated to any form of really terrible writing yet, because this just began a few sentences ago. The only torture here is having to listen to someone refer to Bowser as a fat dragon.[/b] [u][i]Chapter 1- Let The Goombas Lead The Way[/i][/u] [i]As he watches Peach fall asleep,[/i] Still a stalker.... [b]Still not. No matter how much he watches her fall asleep (which is undoubtedly questionable) he will NOT be able to become a stalker.[/b] [i]the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario, glances outside. The dark night makes the snow hard to see. Mario reflects back on how many times he has saved the Princess. Countless times, Mario thinks.[/i] Hint, Hint, fat plumber. Maybe the princess whats the dragon instead of a plumber who.... has really let himself go.... [b]Yes, the princess [s]wants[/s] whats the fat dragon instead of the fat plumber who always takes time from his job to rescue her from said fat dragon.[/b] [i]After a couple more minutes of watching Peach, Mario decides to leave her to herself. He exits out of her room, closing the door behind himself. He starts down the hallway.[/i] Thank God! Now the princess dosen't have to worry about that creppy plumber staring at her. [b]Can we please move on from this?[/b] [i]Late at night, hardly anyone is out. He spots Toadsworth going to the bathroom,[/i] No he didn't. Mario characters don't use the bathroom! When was the last game you saw a bathroom. .....chirp.....chirp....chirp.... That's what I thought. [b] Just because you don’t see bathrooms, or them going to bathrooms, (which...I mean, they're plumbers. Come on.) doesn’t mean they don’t go to the bathroom. Heck, I can say you never go to the bacthroom, because I never see you go. Does that make it so? Perhaps, but not necessarily.[/b] [i]a Toad walking with a snack, and another Toad asleep on the floor. Mario looks up at the pictures on the wall- nothing but Mushroom Kingdom. Once he reaches the stairs, he turns and makes his way down. Once downstairs, Mario is only a few feet from his destination- Toad’s Cafe. Toad’s Cafe is a cafeteria filled with counters that have everything from breakfast to dessert. The cafeteria is one of the biggest rooms in the castle- with over one hundred 50x20 tables, and over three thousand chairs.[/i] Toad's Cafe! Coming to [b]YOUR[/b] city soon! [b]By the way, did anyone notice how Crab already reviewed this fic?[/b] [i]Mario enters, finding only about eight others scattered in the room. He walks over to a pizza counter and looks inside. He finds something small, round-ish, and green head first wiggling in the back. He begins to make his order. “I would like to order,” he begins. But then he freezes. The green thing turns around and sees Mario. It’s a goomba.[/i] Not it's not! Only Yoshis, Koopa Shells, Luigi, Mr. L, and Link can be green! Not Goombas! [b]There are so many things I can list that are green right now. And by the way, Pichu, this was probably supposed to be surprising (thought it sort of fails at that) so don’t kill the mood so suddenly, dude.[/b] [i]Never before has Mario seen a goomba any other color but brown. But before Mario can move, the goomba attacks. Just before it knocks over Mario, something goes right by his head and strikes the goomba- a hammer. Mario turns to find his brother, Luigi, standing there.[/i] Because all brothers follow their brothers around with a hammer. Perfectly normal, right? [b]The Mario brothers are known to have a hammer handy at all times. Even if he was just passing by, he could give that thing a whack. Plus, he has to follow his brother with a hammer, it’s not like he can discard it from his inventory.[/b] [i]“There’s more of them around,” starts Luigi, “and I know where they’re coming from. Remember the pipes in the basement? I found a portal there leaking them out. I came to get you to help me stop them.” “Well, it’s probably just Bowser again,” states Mario. “We can easily finish this.” With that, the bros. took off running. Mario stops, then Luigi with a questioning look on his face. “Why are we stopping?” he asks. “We have to make sure the Princess if safe!” Mario exclaims. Mario bolts upstairs to Peach’s room- open.[/i] Remember kids. You are never safe in Peach's castle. There is always a chubby dragon and his children stalking you there. [b]So Bowser lost a few pounds throughout the course of the story? Sweet. Anyway, the Toads are never really in much danger. It’s the Princess herself that gets kidnapped. Why? Because royalty is worth far more as a bargaining tool than one of several hundred mushroom-head people.[/b] [i]Oh no, Mario thinks. He runs in to find her gone. “Peach!”[/i] Remember, always safe! [b]Notice the author never once said it was safe, he just said peaceful. Truth be told, a few levels really are very peaceful, even if they’re not safe.[/b] [i]“Bro, she might have been taken by the goombas, come on!” exclaims Luigi, half-way down the stairs.[/i] How? They have like..... no hands... just sides. [b]Well aside from forming into a group and pushing her into the group so they suspend her from the ground, then carry her back to Bowser the [s]fat[/s] [s]chubby[/s] [s]dragon[/s] Koopa king, they really can’t do much, I suppose.[/b] [i]Mario and Luigi sprint down to the basement door. They stand there, then Mario busts open the door. The sight is a nightmare. The room is half-full of green goombas. There must be at least three hundred of them. What comes through the portal next is horrific. A thing that looks like Bowser- just four times bigger- comes out. It’s also green and has a symbol on it’s stomach. It’s a circle that has a big “L” with the text “W O R L D” underneath. It lets out a mighty scream and points at Mario.[/i] See kids. Here's the dragon. A green one! Puff the Magic Dragon! [b]See kids. This is how NOT to help the writer. At all.[/b] [i]It then speaks. “Get Mario!” The goombas obey. They begin until Luigi leaks his emotions. “No, don’t hurt him, please, he’s all I’ve got!”[/i] "Because that princess that wears orange means nothing to me!" [b]He’s really the only known family Luigi has. I’d be like that too if my brother was being taken away. Unless my brother was Pichu.[/b] [i]The goombas instantaneously freexe in place. “Oh,” Mario lets out, “they listen to you.” Before Luigi can start, one of the many goombas come forward and interrupts. “Of course we do, he’s our leader.”[/i] Wow. Major Plot Twist! I like plot twists. If only this one didn't happen so early in the story. [b]Plot twists can happen early, who named themselves God of Writing and said they can’t? There’s no timing for a plot twist. Sadly, this one sucked. Sadly, Pichu didn’t point out the poor deliverance and instead went on to talk about it being too early.[/b] [i]“Leader of what?” questions Mario. With a long look on his face, the goomba explains, “Of Luigiworld, the planet in the galaxy next to Marioland. You should know, you’re the leader of Marioland.” At this surprise, Mario lifts his eyebrows. He looks over to his brother, who is in shock. Mario thinks to himself, Galaxy? Luigiworld? Marioland? Green goombas? None of this makes sense. We’ll have to see for ourselves.[/i] [s]Marioland is the same shape as Starship Mario and Luigiland is shaped like a Weegee head![/s] [b][s]This doesn’t help the writer, and it’s not funny. Why do you subject us to this Pichu? WHY?[/s][/b] [i]“Well then, let’s go,” says Mario. The green look-alike Bowser agrees. He begins, “since we only listen to Luigi, it’s his decision.” All eyes go to Luigi. He nods. “Then go through that portal,” says the look-alike. The bros. walk to the portal, then go in. The goombas and look-alike follow. But just then, the portal closes.[/i] Now they are dead! But there's another chapter, dammit! [b]Then they’re not dead…[/b] We this is it guys. Good job Paradise! And I'm not just saying that! [b]you ARE just saying that, because this fic was horrible. YOU’RE horrible at this. And I’m not just saying that.[/b] Stay tuned for more reviews guys! [b]No thanks. All in all, I got worse than I expected. And I didn’t expect much. Instead of talking about the bad writing, or the poor plot devices, or the bad deliveries of everything that was supposed to be dramatic, Pichu talked about a fat dragon. Who is not even a dragon. I think that sums up my thoughts on this. Good day to you, SIR.[/b] [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PikMan Posted April 29, 2011 Report Share Posted April 29, 2011 Ah, brings back memories... (Has flashback to when Pichu reviewed a fanfic I did, Crab Helmet reviewed that review, and the three of us got entangled into an internet war of sorts) Oh yeah, those were the days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted April 29, 2011 Report Share Posted April 29, 2011 I believe that Goombas and other Mario entities without hands have weak telekinetic powers that let them pick up things. That's what appears to be happening in Paper Mario, anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2011 Well that makes it all the more justified for me to say Pichu's an idiot. yay. Time to review Trio of DEF's Prologue. [spoiler=Eugolorp] The slums of the city smelt particularly foul that cold, barren night. Torn newspapers and discarded pieces of trash lay strewn across the alleyway that had just welcomed a new visitor. The newcomer wrapped their cloak tighter around their mid-riff, shivering with a visible, bated breath. [b]While I admit the feel of it was good, it's missing actual description of the setting aside from it being slums and having discarded pieces of trash (as opposed to pieces of trash kept in one's home as souveniers?) and torn newspapers (which apparently doesn't qualify as trash?) strewn across the alleyway. But I'll let it pass cause I felt cold reading this.[/b] Sensing nothing else lurking in the cramped pocket amongst a maze of buildings, the figure hid behind a dumpster and sat down, hugging their knees to acquire warmth. [b]Instead of hugging his knees when he seems to be really cold to cry for his mommy. You're doing well so far, don't ruin it with needless tell. (some tell is needed, or at least not unneeded. Yours is unneeded.)[/b] Just as the new settler [b]He lives there now?[/b] began to drift off to sleep, the sound of a trash can being knocked over was heard. [b]Here is a more advanced way to say it to avoid using passive voice. "A trash can was knocked down". No need to get fancy.[/b] The figure jumped, backing further into the wall in a futile attempt to remain undetected. [b]I don't expect the jumping helped. Nor do I expect he knows he's not Danny Phantom, and thus cannot phase through walls. He's already leaning against it, he can't lean further into it.[/b] [i]No…they can’t have found me. Not now![/i] “Hey, come out of there!” a voice yelled. “It’s not safe to sleep in Introd alleys at this time of night!” A man wearing a big, brown coat stood at the end of the alleyway, his slightly huge [b]Nothing should ever be described as slightly huge. It just takes away impact. Just say big, or large.[/b] silhouette was all the figure could see from peeking behind the crack between the wall and dumpster. [b]He would be lucky to even see a thin part of the silhoutte, let alone know it's [s]slightly huge[/s] big from a crack. And if it's big enough so he can see, it's not a gap, it's a crack.[/b] The man sighed and walked over, [b]Walked over to where? Usually 'walked over' is followed by a "to" and a destination.[/b] rounding around the corner of the dumpster to see who was hiding from him. “Why…you’re just a kid!” He looked down, seeing a small boy with shaggy, brown hair concealed beneath the hood of a black cloak. [i]He’s probably no older than my dearest niece![/i] “So what if I’m a kid?” the young boy asked. The man looked around, frowning at the newfound stench and unsanitary conditions coating the alleyway. [b]He just now noticed?[/b] “Kids shouldn’t be in alleyways, much less inside the Introd borough. This place is the least reputable area in all of Yugo City, you know.” The boy backed slowly stood up. [b]Eh?[/b] “I have nowhere else to go. I have to stay here.” The man ruffled his thinning blond hair, narrowing his gaze at the boy. “Where are your parents?” “Dead,” the boy replied. “I have no family.” The man frowned, placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You know, I just remodeled my attic into another room and I’ve been searching for a tenant to rent it out to.” A small smile crossed his lips as the boy looked up at him with a small gleam of hope forming behind them. “Would you like to stay there?” [b]This is awfully kind of him. TOO kind. I wouldn't be so trusting.[/b] The boy didn’t move for a few moments before violently nodding his head at the kind stranger. “Thank you so much, sir! I’ll repay you back however I can!” The man chuckled, placing his hand back inside his coat pocket. “Don’t worry, you can work for me to pay off your rent. [b]Child labor is illegal, señor.[/b] Say, what’s your name?” A frown formed beneath the hood, sullying the boy’s sudden burst of joy. “I’d rather not say.” The man narrowed his eyes. “Well, you’ll have to tell me eventually. [b]Eyes being narrowed mean annoyance. So he was like glaring at a small child because the small child followed his parents last wishes of not giving his information to strangers. This dude is mean.[/b] If we’re going to be living together, we should at least know that much about you.” “I’ll tell you later,” the boy replied. “What’s your name?” The man grinned. “I’ll tell you later.” He chuckled at the glare emanating from the boy and braced his arm behind his back. “Come on, we’ll grab a cab. My place is only a fifteen minute drive from here.” [b]Them meeting was a plot device all the way through. The dude himself seems to have a hobby of wandering the worst part of town on foot and unarmed, and searching through alleways for stray kids.[/b] The boy nodded, looking back at the alleyway he was so sure would be his new home for who knows how long. [i]One day…one day, I’ll get you back. Count on it.[/i] [b]Hopefully he means something else, instead of "One day I'll make you pay, blond silhouette dude..." All in all, not horrible at all. But some things don't make sense, and description should be worked on. Definitely wasn't painful to review, and I am actually curious who these two are. Although I have a guess. Anyway, just try and proofread, unless you did, or you might not only miss things like "The boy backed slowly stood up", but you might also miss out on something that doesn't really make that much sense, or sound awkward, when read.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted April 30, 2011 Report Share Posted April 30, 2011 ^Already said gracias for the review. Man, Dark and Fenrir already reviewed Pichu's review too. I wonder if Roxas, Cakey or Crab will do so too .-. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2011 Speakin of, I should listen to it xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Time to amaze you all [spoiler=Audulation Divination Riffview] [b]Welcome one, welcome all, to the most amazing review ever. Why, you ask? Because this time, there won’t just be riffing. There won’t just be praises and adulations. And there won’t just be divinations. We’re combining anything and everything (almost, excluding crabs and electric mice) and making it into a spectacle to behold. This is…Divination Audulation Riffviews!…or something. [s]I[/s] we decided to review this fine piece called [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/246792-yu-gi-oh-dt/]Yu-Gi-Oh D.T.[/url], by Crimson Blaze. He writes for YCM, so I’ll assume it’s not exactly perfect. We’ll start with a few words from the author.[/b] This story is takes place several decades after Yu-Gi-Oh! 5d's. The setting is pretty much the same. [b]Daisuke: That’s tantamount to telling us this fic will be a complete rip-off of 5Ds and we should leave right now. My guess is that’s not what you were going for.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: It's going to be a standard 5D's The Next Generation. What matters is how this is apparently supposed to be different.[/color][/b] There are cities, highways connecting them, and large companies. The towns and cities that this story takes place in are rich and poor, almost what you see in today's society. [b]Daisuke: Only almost. In truth, today’s society is composed of a 3rd mystery circumstance of economic status.[/b] The main characters are Eric Uchiha (Yes, the last name was inspired by Naruto and created when I was very young) and Garry Kenobi (Inspired by Star Wars; also created when I was younger). Eric is a talentless teenager who is a dueling genius. [b]Daisuke: Then he’s not talentless.[/b] [b]Dio: The author, on the other hand...too harsh?[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: Well, he doesn’t have enough talent to think of changing terrible names to less terrible names.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Is it really that hard to just come up with a surname or use a more common one?[/color][/b] He takes odd jobs and lives in an apartment. Garry is a teenager who has inherited his late father's company, D.T. Organization, which designs duel runners, duel disks, etc. The antagonists are the Dark Chasers, an evil group that duels people for their rare cards. [b]Daisuke: So not only did the author tell us who the antagonist organization is, he made them exactly like the “Rare Hunters”, except THEIR name made sense. Rare Hunters HUNT for RARE cards. What, do Dark Chasers…uh…chase DARK cards?[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: The name probably comes from the Shadow Riders. Remember those guys? The vampire? That Amazon? Don Zaloog? Amnael? Somehow I think the Dark Chasers will be equally memorable.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Except "Shadow Rider"" was a dub term, much like "Rare Hunter" was. Respectively, their Japanese names were Seven Stars Assassins and Ghouls. The of course there is the whole thing with the apparent namesake of this story being Garry's father's company, although it's "D.T. [i]Organization[/i]." Did Organization XIII really inspire that many people to use "Organization" to refer to their obligatory evil groups?[/color][/b] They are very mysterious and serve an unknown (for now that is) boss. This is my first fanfic, so please give me constructive criticism and support. [b]Daisuke: I got one. Write better. No. I am serious. What is this “They are very mysterious” and “They serve an unknown (for now) boss” garbage? Don‘t blatantly tell us they’re mysterious, that’s just plain bad, and their boss being unknown makes no sense unless you are [s]Sasuke[/s] Eric Uchiha, or [s]Obi-Wan[/s] [s]Gary[/s] Garry Kenobi and are in the story, and do not know the boss. But in that case you wouldn’t know if you’d meet him later on or not.[/b] [b]Dio: Constructive criticism. Right. Now, let me just make this clear-if this fic shows absolutely no hope of redemption, I'm turning this over to someone else.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: Here’s some advice. “They are very mysterious” is terrible. It’s telling the reader to be curious about them. Just by changing that line to something like “Very little is known about them”, you improve it – it’s still an info-dump, but it’s better… …but you should cut all the story-related material here anyway, because at best it has no point and at worst it hurts the story. Needless to say, this isn’t best.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: If the boss is mysterious, then it's a given in these kinds of stories that we'll eventually discover their identity. These kinds of introductions are always unnecessary, because you give away what the plot of the story at the top of the thread, even though such a thing could be explained in the story. Yes, I known that if you pick up a novel and look at the back it often explains the plot to you, but it's still a good idea to not reveal so much.[/color][/b] Here is Chapter 1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T. Chapter 1-Overdrive: The Story Begins [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: How painfully generic, even though the "Overdrive" is unnecessary.[/color][/b] The man in the black cloak knocked the man down. [b]Dr. Cakey: No. Just no. Write that again.[/b] [b]Dio: Then he ran across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed.[/b] [b]Daisuke: Say what? This was so sudden. I mean, I don’t mind starting with action, but don’t start with bad action, and bad description. All we get from this is that there is a guy with a black cloak that knocked another guy down. Setting aside the fact I am more than sick of people in black cloaks being portrayed as evil, the action sucks, the closest I can picture is a playground bully pushing a faceless kid down.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: It's awkward to have two characters referred to as "the man", with the only difference being that the other is dressed in black. By establishing only that a man has pushed apparently another man down, we can't think of where this may be happening, or what either of them look like at all.[/color][/b] He had just finished another duel. He was good at dueling…always was. That’s why he joined the organization in the first place. [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: I know people love to make Yu-Gi-Oh! jokes about Luxord, but this is absurd.[/color][/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: He was good at dueling…always was. But dueling…changes people. Makes them put on…black cloaks. Sometimes they start to use ellipses…poorly.[/b] It’s motto [b]Daisuke: It is motto. That is all.[/b] -Change the world, everything begins with a small step. He was questioning whether he had made the right choice. Leaving his family for-what was it again? The fame? The power? The money? [b]Daisuke: Given the fact he already forgot, we can assume this is small foreshadow that he turns good later on. Or it could just be that this writer is a grade-school student that has seen a keyboard for the first time in his life and had the ingenious idea of writing on it. Except, wait, that would be a stupid idea.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Alternatively, he became so obsessed with what he has become that he forgot the very thing that set him on the path. It's a pitiful attempt at establishing not!Luxord as deep.[/color][/b] The rogue duelist scanned the man’s deck, full of junk cards as always. Tossing away the “trash cards”, or so the group had called them, he rode into the black on his duel runner. [b]Dr. Cakey: K THEY CALL CARDS TRASH IM NOT SURE BUT I THINK THEY MIGHT BE VILLAINS BECAUSE A LOT OF YUGIOH VILLAINS CALL CARDS TRASH BUT IM NOT SURE[/b] [b]Daisuke: If they were trash, then you didn’t have to be good to beat them. This leads me to believe this [s]Rare Hunter[/s] Dark Chaser actually sucks at dueling, so he duels homeless children to make himself look better and to be able to insult their cards when he himself runs a Celtic Guardian support deck.[/b] [b]Dio: "Full of junk cards as always" can also be read as, "This duelist beat up on this poor sucker multiple times, expecting to find different cards in the same deck."[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: And yet he doesn't consider taking the entire deck in the off chance that some of his fellow Dark Chasers may have use for the cards? Or, you know, auction the cards online and laugh at the people paying so much for such "trashy" cards.[/color][/b] Bright in the morning [b]Daisuke: As opposed to dark in the morning. I think you were going for “Early in the morning”, or something along those lines.[/b] the next day, Eric Uchiha, a 16-year-old teen, [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: There are sixteen year-olds who aren't teenagers?[/color][/b] orphaned, strolled down to the local market, buying a bottle of iced tea as he did every other day. His employment was rather inconsistent, for he took any job he could find. He wasn’t the smartest kid in his class, at the bottom of the heap actually. Eric wasn’t strong, gifted, or kind. In fact, there wasn’t anyone who even ventured to form a friendship, much less a bond with him. [b]Dio: So he's RiRi?[/b] But there was one thing he took seriously-dueling. It had always been his passion, riding down the lane, the wind rustling through his silky, black hair. [b]Daisuke: So apparently, in this universe, orphaned 16-year olds can apparently work at jobs that pay well enough for them to go to school, buy cards, a motorcycle, a place to live (assuming he lives with nobody, since if he did the author would have blatantly stated it) AND a bottle of iced tea every other day. And to think we’re stuck at 6 bucks an hour for minimum wage.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: Really? Minimum wage is higher over here. Although I believe the only way to pay your way through competitive-level Yugimonz is neurosurgery or pyramid schemes.[/b] He was so confident, in fact, of his abilities that he accepted any duel proposed to him. Unfortunately, this would prove to be his downfall… [b]Daisuke: Wha- I…I can’t…no. Please, someone explain why this is…I can’t even find the words to express what I want to say clearly enough as to why that last sentence shouldn’t be there.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: Furthermore, I can tell from here it’s not going to be his downfall, because he’s going to win whatever duel is coming up.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Of course he will. Yuma was established as a complete loser, and so Eric is intended to be an expy of him. I'm not sure if it's worse to base the protagonist on Judai or Yuma.[/color][/b] Eric was halfway done with his bottle when his landlord, Mark Glenston, passed by him. He never like his landlord and his landlord never liked him. [b]Dio: But now they gotta live together, on "The Odd Duelists!"[/b] It wasn’t surprising since nobody did, but he was different. [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Unlike everyone else, Mark could see through Eric's ZETSUBOU.[/color][/b] He didn’t avoid him like the others. In fact, he constantly badgered him about his behavior, his rent, the works…but he enjoyed that. [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: How dare Mark be doing his job![/color][/b] He even considered him to perhaps be an acquaintance, no, like an older brother. [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: We made the jump from "acquaintance" to "older brother"? How?[/color][/b] “Where’s my rent, Eric!?” yelled Glenston. “You’ll get it when you need it, old man!” replied Eric. “You youngsters never show any respect to your elders. No wonder nobody likes you,” said Glenston coolly as he brushed his graying hair back. “Hmph! We’ll see who gets the last laugh,” Eric shot back. “I’ll kick you out if I don’t get my money in ten days!” shouted Glenston. [b]Dio: So when did we start watching Spider-Man?[/b] [b]Daisuke: And thus Glenston gets the last laugh.[/b] The two went their separate ways. Eric noticed a child crying on a park bench. He tried to forget about helping him but couldn’t help himself. [b]Daisuke: I thought he wasn’t kind?[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: I guess Eric couldn’t live up to the being-a-complete-b**** expected of an Uchiha.[/b] He walked over, took him by the hand, and bought him a vanilla ice-cream cone. It proved to be a suitable balm for upset children as the child stopped crying instantaneously. [b]Daisuke: Child: Mommy…*cries* my mommy died! Eric: Here, ice cream! Child: Ice cream! *instantaneously happy*[/b] “What’s your name?” inquired Eric. “I’m Hitari. And you are?” [b]Daisuke: Now, now, Timmy. Didn’t your mom ever teach you not to talk to strangers and accept ice cream and candy from them?[/b] “Leaving. Go back to your mom, kid.” “I can’t.” “What do you mean you can’t?” [b]Daisuke: “She’s dead.”[/b] [b]Dio: ...Jim.[/b] “She’s been captured by the Dark Chasers.” “The Dark Chasers?” “Yeah, they’re this gang that goes around and steals people’s rare cards after they beat them in a duel.” [b]Dr. Cakey: So the Dark Chasers steal rare cards…and they captured your mom…from this, I can conclude…your mother is a rare card?[/b] [b]Daisuke: Now that I think about it, it seems weird that that first Dark Chaser we saw dueled a guy with crappy cards (not to mention the fact he only seemingly noticed they were crappy after the duel) when Dark Chasers are after rare cards. Wow, maybe he really does run Celtic Guardian support…[/b] “A duel gang, huh?” “You’ve gotta help me!” “I never refuse a challenge! Meet me here tonight, I’m gonna be ready to take those bastards down.” [b]Dio: WATCH THE LANGUAGE, MAN! He's just a kid![/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Never refuse a challenge, you say? Is that why you refuse to give Mark the money he requires of you, or do you not consider that a challenge?[/color][/b] The only problem is, he didn’t know what he would do. Sure he could beat them but what if they take his cards, especially his favorite, Lunar Knight? Either way, he made a promise and he intended to keep it. [b]Daisuke: I always find it funny when people describe their characters through the narrator instead of showing us how they are. But I find it hilarious when what that character does contradicts what the narrator says. Here we see Eric being very kind, and determined to help this unknown child who made him waste living money on ice cream. Yet the narrator says he wasn’t kind. So far all that matches is that he’s sure of himself when it comes to dueling. Except Eric’s an idiot because he’s not going to refuse a challenge that he himself is going to make to the Dark Chasers to get Timmy’s mom back.[/b] At 12 o’clock sharp, Hitari arrived. “Ready mister?” “The name’s Eric, not mister. Got it?” “Whatever you say, mister.” [b]Dr. Cakey: U C IT IS FUNY BCAS HE SAID HIS NAMES NOT MISTER BUT THE KID CALLED HIM MISTER ANYWAY[/b] [b]Daisuke: “Man, if I was Eric-as-described-by-narrator, I would so screw that kid’s face up!”[/b] Eric snarled to the side and continued following the kid. Finally, they arrived at a small warehouse. [b]Daisuke: Why is it always a warehouse?[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: The f*** is “snarling to the side”?[/b] He could see that the lights were on and people were obviously inside. He peeked through the window and caught a glimpse of a large man wearing a black leather jacket. He was drinking with the rest of his gang. Despicable, thought Eric. Suddenly, he felt a push on his back. Without warning, Eric fell inside the building, with everyone staring at him. “I got you another one, boss.” “Good job, kid. Keep this up, and I just might make you my right-hand man,” laughed the large man. [b]Dio: "REALLY?!" "No. Get back to work." "Yes, sir."[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: GENUINE PLOT TWIST! Silly, contrived plot twist, but a genuine silly, contrived plot twist. And what about the man drinking with the rest of his gang makes him “despicable”? Were they drinking pureed puppy?[/b] “What is this?” asked a puzzled Eric. “You’ve been tricked, dumb-ass. I lured you here so we can rob you of that rare card we heard you had,” smirked Hitari. [b]Daisuke: …Why Timmy?! Why?! But I got to give the author props, I was expecting the kid to be held hostage so Eric would be forced to duel in a Shadow game. Not for the talking-to-strangers thing to be reversed.[/b] “I’m not giving in without a fight!” screamed Eric. “Fine, but let me introduce myself. My name is Hammer, as in the one that’s gonna nail you down so hard, you’ll never see the morning light!” [b]Daisuke: GEDDIT?! BECAUSE HAMMERS HIT NAILS, AN- Yeah, no.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Just "Hammer"? No "Captain"?[/color][/b] “Bring it on.” Eric was led into a rusty stadium where he was forcefully pushed into the blue side. “You should’ve run away when you had the chance. [b]Daisuke: He never had a chance.[/b] Now, you’re gonna pay with your cards!” “Duel!” both said simultaneously. “I’ll start things off,” Hammer said arrogantly, “I summon Iron Knuckler in attack mode! (Iron Knuckler: Level 3/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-1600 DEF-1200/Effect-When this card attacks, you can Special Summon an “Iron” monster from your hand) Next, I play the Continuous Spell-Iron Pressure! (Iron Pressure: Each time an “Iron” monster is Special Summoned, deal 800 points of damage to your opponent) I’ll leave you with a card face down and a turn end!” [b]Dio: This would be a lot better if we knew what the guy sounded like.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: Put all the card details in spoilers instead of parentheses, plz[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Better yet, don't even include them. [s]Captain[/s] [s]Hitari[/s] Hammer is obviously going to explain the effects anyway, so it's pointless to include them. And for the record, the effects are also written in bold, which is just stupid.[/color][/b] “My turn!” Eric said as he drew a card, “I think you’re the one who’s gonna regret this. [b]Daisuke: No one said anything about regretting.[/b] I summon Moon Samurai in attack mode! (Moon Samurai: Level 4/LIGHT/Warrior/ATK-1000 DEF-1600/Effect-When this card is Normal Summoned, you can discard one card from your hand to increase its ATK by 800) I discard a card to have Moon Samurai gain 800 ATK! Moon Samurai, attack Iron Knuckler!” Moon Samurai charged at Iron Knuckler, who threw a punch that was skillfully avoided, and slashed it in half. “Grr..,” grunted Hammer. [b]Daisuke: A “grr” isn’t really a grunt, but, meh, I’ve seen worse.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: I can already tell these “Moon” monsters are so terrible, I want Hammer to win already, just because Iron Knuckler and Iron Pressure are decent cards.[/b] (4000/3800) “Turn end.” [b]Daisuke: He’s leaving an 1800 ATK monster, who is now a Vanilla, without any support. Yeah, it’s going to die.[/b] “My turn!” vented Hammer, “I activate the Spell card Iron Cycle! (Discard one “Iron” monster to Special Summon one from the Graveyard) Revive, Iron Knuckler! [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Shouldn't Iron Pressure activate right now?[/color][/b] Now, I summon Iron Gloves in attack mode! (Iron Gloves: Level 2/EARTH/Machine/ATK-0 DEF-1000/Effect: This card can only be summoned when there is a Warrior monster on your field. Once per turn, you can equip or unequip this card to a monster. The equipped monster gains 500 ATK) Iron Knuckler, attack Moon Samurai!” [b]Dio: You gotta give credit for the guy describing the cards fairly accurately. Seems to be about the only sensible thing in this story.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: You know he never actually equipped Gloves to Knuckler?[/b] Iron Knuckler charged at Moon Samurai, who blocked with his katana, only to have it shattered, and jabbed through his chest. [b]Daisuke: His shattered katana was stabbed through his chest?[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: I think that the shard that came off from the katana spun through the air and hit Moon Samurai. At least, that's what I think is supposed to be going on here. Either way, it's an incredibly embarrassing way to die.[/color][/b] Eric scowled. (3700/3800) “Since Iron Knuckler attacked, I Special Summon Iron Pirate in attack mode. (Iron Pirate: Level 2/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-1000 DEF-900/Effect-When this card deals damage to your opponent, gain Life Points equal to twice the damage) [b]Daisuke: If I may, it doesn’t say battle damage, so if it attacks directly, you gain 2000 life points. Just sayin.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: I’m going to have to break in here and point out that damage from a direct attack is also Battle Damage.[/b] Now, you take 800 from Iron Pressure! (2900/3800) Iron Pirate, direct attack!” Iron Pirate stabbed Eric in the gut and jumped back with a sack of treasure. “Aaaah!” yelped Eric. (1900/5800) “Turn end.” “My turn!” Eric said as he gritted his teeth, “I summon Tuner monster Lunar Soul! (Lunar Soul: Level 2/LIGHT/Psychic/ATK-0 DEF-0/Effect: When this card is summoned, you can play a Trap card from your hand) [b]Daisuke: If he had a trap card in his hand, why not just set it last turn and save this effect to use for another time? Genius at dueling my ass.[/b] I activate Soul Resurrection! (Special Summon a level 4 or lower Light monster from your Graveyard) Come back, Moon Samurai! The shining moon guides all to greatness. Glisten brightly in your destiny! Synchro Summon! Sparkle, Lunar Knight! (Lunar Knight: Level 6/LIGHT/Warrior/ATK-1800 DEF-1400/Effect-This card can attack until your opponent controls no monsters. This card gains 100 ATK for each monster in your Graveyard) “Ha! Are you stupid? You summon a weak Synchro monster with only 2000 ATK? What a joke!” [b]Daisuke: And that can attack until you have no monsters. And that, in a Synchro deck, can get attack pretty damn quickly.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: Lunar Knight + Half Shut. umad? Also, why would Hammer call Lunar Knight weak if it’s the rare card he wants to steal (and obviously it is, because it’s a Synchro Monster, and this is 5D’s.)[/b] laughed Hammer and the rest of the gang. “Don’t be too sure, that card I discarded earlier was the Trap card Late Offering. (If this card is in your Graveyard, you can remove it from play to send 2 monsters from your hand to your Graveyard) [b]Daisuke: (I can’t be the only one getting tired of parentheses. I’d rather the players speak out loud what the effect is, at least it keeps up with the mood.)[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: (Wow, Late Offering is terribad. Why not just use something like Hand Destruction?)[/b] And I just so happen to have 2 monsters. Now it has a total ATK of 2200! Lunar Knight, attack Iron Knuckler, Shining Lance! (1900/5700)” “My Iron Gloves protect it from being destroyed!” “Too bad, because my knight can attack until you have nothing left! [b]Daisuke: As the parentheses said. Why must we be subject to them in the first place when the players have great opportunities to tell us the effects as they use them against their opponent? Is it just because it’s easier to copy/paste the effects onto the Word document than working it into dialogue?[/b] Attack Iron Knuckler again! Shining Lance! (1900/5100) Now go for Iron Pirate! (1900/3900) I set 1 card face down! Turn end!” [b]Daisuke: Shame, they were destroyed so quickly, we didn’t even get to see a glimpse of them go down. Good thing the guy still has [s]one[/s] 1 card face down.[/b] “You’ll pay for that!” threatened Hammer, “My turn! I activate the Trap card Monster Drainer! (Draw 2 cards for each monster you discard) I discard 1 monster! Heh! You’re in for it now! I play the Spell card Magical Calling! (Pay 1000 Life Points to Special Summon a Level 4 or lower monster from your deck) I summon Iron Twins! (Iron Twins: Level 4/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-1800 DEF-600/ Effect: You can tribute this card to Special Summon 2 Iron Twin Tokens: Level 2/ EARTH/Warrior/ATK-900 DEF-300) You take 800 from Iron Pressure!” “I activate Damage Reverse! (All effect damage you would take this turn is dealt to your opponent instead)” (1900/3100) “No matter! I sacrifice Iron Twins to summon 2 Iron Twin Tokens! (1900/1500) I then sacrifice the tokens to tribute summon Iron Hammerer! (Iron Hammerer: Level 7/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-3000 DEF-2800/Effect-When this card attacks, your opponent cannot activate any Trap cards. If this card attacks a defense position monster, deal piercing damage) Iron Hammerer, attack Lunar Knight! Colossal Slam!” [b]Dio: This is something we haven't seen before-something that genuinely reads like something from Yu-Gi-Oh. THE WORLD'S GONE MAD![/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: Yeah, but his math’s off. Hammer had 3900 Life Points, then he played Magical Calling, so he paid 1000 more. Then he took 800 damage from Damage Reverse from Damage Reverse, so he has 2100, not 3100. Then of course he takes another 800 when he summons the Iron Twin Tokens, so he’d be at 1300.[/b] Iron Hammerer lifted its humongous hammer and crushed Lunar Knight. (1100/1500) “Turn end. Heheheh!” [b]Dr. Cakey: You can see here the math errors have been compounded. Here, he didn’t pay the 1000 for Magical Calling, as before, but he also took 800 damage for [i]each[/i] Iron Twin Token, even though their summon was simultaneous and he’d only take the damage once.[/b] “My turn!” shouted Eric, still beaming with confidence, “I will defeat you. And your demise all starts with this one card. [b]Daisuke: His demise? Wasn’t this a normal card game, not a Shadow game?[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: Not to mention it's the protagonist who's saying this, not that it makes much of a difference at this point.[/color][/b] I activate the Quick Spell Time Revolution. (Special Summon up to 3 monsters from your Graveyard. This turn, you cannot summon any more monsters or attack) Return, Moon Samurai, Moonlight Boxer, and Flash Gunner Luna! (Flash Gunner Luna: Level 3/LIGHT/Spellcaster/ATK-1300 DEF-200/ Effect: You can tribute 1 monster to deal 500 points of damage to your opponent) Do the math! [b]Dio: Do I HAVE to?[/b] I tribute my 3 monsters to deal you a grand total of 1500 points of damage!” [b]Dio: Aparrently not, since he did it himself. THANKS, WRITER![/b] “What!? Impossible!” screeched Hammer in shock. [b]Daisuke: No it’s not, silly Mr.Hammer.[/b] “Dueling takes more than just rare cards,” lectured Eric, “You need to be in sync with them. Know their hearts as they know yours. Finish him.” [b]Daisuke: The sociopath is now trying to give us a lecture on the heart of the cards. Wonderful.[/b] “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (1100/0) [b]Daisuke: I preferred when duelists didn’t scream like they were dying after losing.[/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigNo That’s all I got.[/b] The field cleared as the whole gang gazed at their leader, lost in the pain of defeat. Eric started to leave when suddenly, a man punched him. He landed on the floor, blood rolling down the side of his mouth. He stared at them angrily. This was the notorious Dark Chasers group after all. They would never take defeat lightly…(to be continued) [b]Dr. Cakey: I’m trying to think of an evil in the Yu-Gi-Oh world great enough that it wouldn’t immediately surrender because it lost a duel. I can’t think of one. That’s how evil these guys are. Which reminds me… http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvenEvilHasStandards[/b] [b]Daisuke: And we’re finally done. I must say, this wasn’t bad, but it reads too much like a novice work. Granted, this was the author’s first fic, but I really cannot comprehend how he could read through this and find it captivating. I do congratulate him, as he seems to have used spellcheck, but he might have missed a few things while proofreading, if he did in fact proofread. He still needs more experience before tackling any real big fic, which I think this tries to be. I myself might read more if there was more show and less tell, and if it wasn’t a dueling fic. Those are always boring, I don’t care how agonizing the bad guy’s scream is when he loses.[/b] [b]Dio: It's meh.[/b] [b][color=#0000CD]Roxas: I might revisit this because the plot is at least somewhat interesting, but I don't see this turning into something spectacular unless the writing improves.[/color][/b] [b]Dr. Cakey: I told you he’d win.[/b] [/spoiler] Special thanks to Dr. Cakey and Phantom Roxas for agreeing to take part in this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makο Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Nice Riffview. There were some pretty good moments in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 I personally didn't like the plot that much, but then again, it was the same for YGO Armageddon and now I'm eagerly awaiting the start of its 3rd arc, so who knows how it could develop. Nice riffview, four people at once will surely help this kid and it was a nice team-up. Kinda feel like Dio and Roxas didn't speak as much as the other 2 though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Roxas commented last, so it was probably hard for him to find things to comment on, but he did get a whole dialogue between Eric Uchiha and his landlord to himself, if I remember correctly. Dio...eh, IDK, guess his jokes appear more often when it's with 2 people. @Mako = Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makο Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 If...you need another sense of comedy...or commenter...I might be able to fill that position. Just asking. [s]Waiting for another review, like an impatient old man.[/s] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 [quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1304176000' post='5178786'] ^Already said gracias for the review. Man, Dark and Fenrir already reviewed Pichu's review too. I wonder if Roxas, Cakey or Crab will do so too .-. [/quote] I don't think I've done a review of a review yet, so I might, but it might not be Pika's. I'll set some time aside later to read these Riffviews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 That would be great =3 We'll look forward to seeing another experienced reviewer read work by us new guys on the block xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Yo, if you're up to it, I'd like a review of my work. That is, [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/index.php?app=forums&module=forums§ion=findpost&pid=5198555]unless you only review bad fics.[/url] I'd ask for a review of the first episode, not prologue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Sure, that's now our next project, after the current one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A20thCenturyBoy Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Here's a little something solo from me-a riff of one of DAISUKE'S OWN FICS. Enjoy. [spoiler="Not Another Bad Fic"] Where should I start? [B]Dio: BY ENDING IT NOW, WHEN YOU HAVE THE CHANCE.[/b] Basically while reading my good friend Zetsubou Black's Yugioh fic, I got a little inspiration to write my own. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea. [B]Dio: Yeah, that's what many people do before they jump into a volcano. Not smart.[/b] This was originally going to be a bit of a satire fic called "Not Another Yugioh Fic" (for those of you who have seen Not Another Teen Movie, yep, that's where I got the idea). Anyway, somewhere along the way I decided to make it a serious Yugioh fic, just better than 90% of what's currently found in this forum. [B]Dio: I'm pretty sure a lot of them are serious. Serious and QUALITY, however...[/b] If I succeeded, huzzah. If I didn't... well, no skin off my bones. That said, without further ado, I present 4 days of hard work and thought. [B]Dio: May God help us all.[/B] Chapter 1 A man with 5’o clock shadow and thinning black hair dozily opened his brown eyes, rubbing them. He stretched his arms up and yawned, then lifted the covers from himself. The gesture caused his stomach to protrude from his worn-out white undershirt. [B]Dio: Is this the guy from Osmosis Jones?[/b] He stared at it for a few moments before shrugging, and getting up from the bed. He headed inside the bathroom, and fumbled to find the light switch for a bit. Once he flipped the switch, and the bathroom was lit with a fluorescent lamp from above, the man turned to face the sink. [B]Dio: Well, there certainly is a lot of detail...unfortunately, it's mainly painfully obvious details.[/B] He turned the right knob, and put his hands together under it. Immediately, he jolted upright, his hand singed. He looked down at the knob, and turned it to the other side, stopping the flow of steaming water. The man frowned. He leaned in closer to the right knob and saw that it did, in fact, have the words “Cold” engraved on the top, and in blue letters no less. [B]Dio: "D'OH!"[/b] He turned the left knob, which had the words “Hot” engraved on the top with red letters, and extended a finger, then poked the water. Feeling the cold touch, [B]Dio: EEEEVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG[/b] he let both his hands pleasure themselves in the coolness for a bit before bringing up a tiny puddle of water with his hands, and splashing it on his face. He wiped his face with a towel and headed out of the bathroom. He glanced at the sleeping woman half-hidden under the covers, and smiled a bit, then headed downstairs. [B]Dio: So far, not THAT bad, aside from COLD IS NOT HOT. But we'll see.[/b] As the man reached the fridge, he opened and peered inside. He scanned the contents from left to right, and top to bottom. He reached for a milk jug, when he heard something slam against the floor. He turned quickly, to see a young boy, around 7 years old, standing there. He wore blue shorts and a red t-shirt, and his hair was black and fell to his forehead. [B]Dio: "I told you, I'm not paying for the damn paper! I didn't ask for it![/B] The kid held up a duel disk attached to his arm, the light shining off of its silver surface, and glared at the man with piercing light-blue eyes. “Time to duel me, old man! I won’t let you skip out on practicing with me today!” the kid exclaimed. [B]Dio: "I told you, I've got a full schedule of lazing, followed by a marathon of Batman.[/b] The man looked straight into the boy’s eyes, sensing the fierce determination coming from them. Those eyes gleamed with an unwavering, but also newborn, spirit. [B]Dio: Or maybe REborn! Get it? Cause Daisuke likes Re-nevermind.[/b] One that would never give up, and could learn anything it set its sights on. Glancing to his left, the man could see his duel disk, perched on the table. His deck was still in the deck slot. The situation being what it was, the man saw no other choice. [B]Dio: "I have to TIVO Batman."[/b] “Go make your bed, Matthew. And don’t forget to brush your teeth while you’re at it,” the man replied, turning to the fridge and grabbing the milk jug. The boy growled. “No way, you promised you’d teach me how to duel today, so I’m not letting you escape until you do!” [B]Dio: "Kid, I'm gonna have to listen to you drone on and on about what monster card you're playing. I'm not gonna smell eggs and bacon, y'hear?"[/b] The man sighed, and placed the milk jug, as well as a box of cereal, down on the kitchen counter. He opened a cupboard and grabbed a bowl, then placed it down next to the milk jug. [B]Dio: Did we mention milk jug?[/b] “Son,” he said, turning to Matthew. “Life’s not all about dueling. Just take my friends for instance. Each one of them is now either dead, or retired from dueling.” [B]Dio: Life's also about love, and kindness, and-aw, who the hell am I kidding, it's dueling.[/b] “Yeah, yeah, and you yourself retired from professional dueling because it’s just not like it was back in the old days. You’ve told me a hundred times. But I told you, I don’t care about that. I’ll become the best duelist someday, and change the dueling world!” [B]Dio: You know, I thinK EVERY SINGLE PROTAGONIST IN YU-GI-OH HAS THAT AMBITION. Take a ticket and get in like, kid.[/b] The man had just finished pouring the cereal onto the bowl, and the milk onto the cereal, when he smirked at the comment. “Now you’re the one who’s said the same thing a hundred times. If you really intend on doing that, go ahead, nothing’s stopping you. Certainly no high-level competition around these parts,” he said, stuffing a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. “You have your deck, go on. Scram.” “I would if you’d teach me how to duel like you, but you won’t. So I’m staying right here!” Matthew said, as he sat down cross-legged on the floor. [B]Dio: Doesn't this kid have school? Or, on a Saturday, A LIFE?[/b] The man ran a hand over his hair, and finished up his bowl of cereal, then put it on the sink. He took a few seconds to chew and swallow the last spoonful of cereal before turning to the boy. “Look, this thing hardly fits me anymore,” he stated, going over to his duel disk and strapping it on his arm. [B]Dio: "In fact, it's bulging rather weirdl-HIT THE DECK!"[/b] Just then, there was a knock on the door. “Go answer the door, Matthew. It’s better than dirtying your shorts by sitting on the floor.” Matthew grumbled, but stood up and quickly ran toward the door. A few seconds later, there was a yell from the door. “What in the world?” Matthew’s dad exclaimed, eyes wide. [B]Dio: IT IS...IN-DIG-NAY-SHUN![/b] He ran for the door, not even bothering to take his duel disk off. When he got outside, he looked out to the front yard, covered in recently-trimmed grass, and separated into two halves by the cement path from the house to the street. One the left half stood a man in a hooded black jacket, with the hood brought over his eyes. He also wore baggy black jeans, and had a duel disk on his left arm. His right arm was wrapped around Matthew, who was struggling to break free of the stranger’s grip. [B]Dio: ...IT'S THE GUY FROM PROTOTYPE IN A NEW JACKET! RUN, YOU MORONS, RUN!"[/b] “Who are you, and what do you want?” Matthew’s father asked. “I want to duel the man once known as Dave the Great Wall!” the man replied, grinning. [B]Dio: "Why'd they call you the Great Wall, Dad?" "They could see me from space."[/b] “Dave the Great Wall is gone. Nowadays I’m just Dave Evans.” The hooded man reached into his pocket with the hand the duel disk was attached to and brought out a black rod. He touched Matthew, who was still trying to break free, on the neck with it. It instantly delivered a shock that sent him to unconsciousness. [B]Dio: It's more of a PROD than a rod, in that case.[/b] “Well then you better bring the Great Wall back, because I want to see what he can do!” Dave bit his lip. “Fine, I’ll duel you. But once I win, you leave me and my family alone, you got that?” The hooded man smirked, and activated his duel disk. Dave did the same, and “4000 LP” blinked in both their respective duel disks. “You can go first, show me what Dave the Great Wall can do.” [B]Dio: We get it. He's Dave the Great Wall. QUIT REPEATING IT.[/b] Dave drew six cards, and the hooded man drew five. Dave looked through them a bit. “Alright,” he said. “I play one monster in face-down defense position, and two cards face down. Your move.” The hooded man drew a card, and smirked. “I summon Ryu-Kishin Powered!” A red creature with an arched back and large shoulder blades appeared on the field. It had large claws, which it used to slash at the air as it growled. [B]Dio: "DAMN MOSQUITOES!"[/B] “Now, I activate the effect of Double Summon! With this, I can normal summon once more this turn. So I sacrifice Ryu-Kishin Powered…to summon Summoned Skull!” As he placed the card on his duel disk, a skeletal monster appeared on the field, with horns that curved downward and black wings protruding from its back. “Summoned Skull, attack his face-down monster!” [B]Dio: This can only go well.[/b] Lighting shot from the skeletal fiend, toward Dave’s card. The face-down card flipped up and a kneeling stone giant appeared from it. “With only 2000 points of defense, your Giant Soldier of Stone stands no chance against my Summoned Skull!” the hooded man exclaimed. “Not yet,” Dave said. “I reveal my face-down card, The Reliable Guardian! Now my monster gains 2700 defense until the end of the turn, making your Summoned Skull’s 2500 attack unable to destroy it.” A large shield appeared in the stone giant’s hand. When the Summoned Skull’s lighting hit it, it didn’t even leave a scratch. [B]Dio: You fool! That shield belongs to the Hero of Time, and you stole it from him! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL![/B] The hooded man’s Life Points dropped to 3800, and he spat. [B]Dio: Ew.[/B] “Alright, I play a card face down and end my turn. You won’t get past Summoned Skull anyway.” Dave drew a card from his deck, then selected a nearby card in his hand, and placed it on the field. “I summon Beta, the Magnet Warrior in attack mode! It may not be able to beat your Summoned Skull, but it doesn’t have to. I activate Back to Square One! I discard Destroyer Golem, and send your Skull back to the top of your deck.” [B]Dio: This won't have ANY reprecussions whatsoever.[/b] “Damn, didn’t expect that…” the hooded man said, placing Summoned Skull at the top of his deck. “Now,” Dave exclaimed. “I attack your Life Points directly with Beta!” Beta the Magnet Warrior rushed forward, and struck at the hooded man with his magnet fist. [B]Dio: "Now, return to me, Beta-oh, oh CRAP. Dude, I'm sorry, I did NOT mean to tear out your metallic fillings-oh, GOD, that looks like it hurts."[/b] The hooded man took a step back with a flinch, his Life Points reduced to 2100. “Not so fast, I activate the trap card The Golden Apples!” he announced. “I can only activate this card when I take battle damage while I control no monsters. I gain Life Points equal to the damage I took. And not only that, I get to special summon a Malus Token with attack and defense equal to the amount of Life Points I gained!” The hooded man’s Life Points climbed back up to 3800, and a golden apple with 1700 attack points appeared on the field, floating up and down steadily. [B]Dio: CALLED IT.[/B] Dave raised an eyebrow. “I end my turn.” The hooded man drew a card. He looked them over, grinning. “This is where it gets fun…first I activate Shield Crush to destroy your Giant Soldier of Stone!” after he said this, a beam of light shot from the card, and pierced through the kneeling stone soldier, shattering it. “Next I activate Swing of Memories to bring back Ryu-Kishin Powered from the graveyard until the end of the turn!” [B]Dio: You know not what you have done. YOU HAVE BROUGHT THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE. YOU'VE SINGLEHANDEDLY ASSURED US THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE![/B] The red creature appeared once again on the field, bearing its fangs. “Now I sacrifice both my Malus Token and my Ryu-Kishin Powered to summon…Zoa!” A blue creature with long, thick arms appeared onto the field. It reared its head back, which had wing-like structures coming from it, and let out a mighty roar. [B]Dio: The Balrog of Morgoth. [color=silver]What did you say?[/color] Shut up, Gollum. [color=silver]We hates Riffviewses.[/color] Good for you.[/b] “Now, Zoa, attack Beta the Magnet Warrior!” Zoa leaped forth, and slashed Beta in half. The Magnet Warrior never stood a chance, even raising both its arms to block the attack. It shattered into hundreds of pieces, and Dave placed the card into the Graveyard, his Life Points dropping to 3100. “I end my turn. Take your best shot at destroying Zoa, “Dave the Great Wall”,” the hooded man said, chuckling from under the hood. [B]Dio: That's it, Hooded Guy is now officially named Uncle Ben. Why? He repeats something we know already over and over without end. [color=brown]Well, you know, with great power-[/color] Dio: -COMES GREAT FRIGGING RESPONSIBILITY, YES, I KNOW.[/b] Dave frowned. “I draw.” He examined the cards in his hand. His eyes shifted to the image of his face-down card, the only card on his field. “I play one monster face down and end my turn.” “That’s it? I expected this to be more fun. I draw!” the hooded man said. “Now, I play Baron of the Fiend Sword!" [B]Dio: Pff. He's got nothing on Duke of the Kind Sabre.[/b] A yellow ogre-like creature wearing a black suit and wielding a red sword appeared on the field. “Baron, attack his face-down monster!” The ogre charged forward as a trio of giant stone heads appeared out of the card being attacked, and slashed through all three of them with one slash of its sword. “Baron destroys The Statue of Easter Island,” the hooded man said as the trio of statues shattered. [B]Dio: NOOO! NOW WHAT WILL TOURISTS WASTE THEIR MONEY ON?![/b] “And now Zoa attacks you directly!” Zoa let out another roar, and attacked Dave’s Life Points directly with a crushing slash, dropping them down to 500. Dave frowned a bit as his Life points dropped, but otherwise stood unfazed. “I end my turn,” the hooded man said, chuckling. “I draw,” Dave muttered, then his eyes widened. “I thought I removed this card, what’s it doing here…? I can win with this, but…no, he’s just some thug, and no one’s around. It shouldn’t matter…” [B]Dio: FORESHADOWING[/b] “What are you blabbering about?” “Oh,” Dave said, snapping out of his ponderings. “Nothing. But now’s the time to win. I activate my face-down card, Call of the Haunted. I bring back Beta, the Magnet Warrior. And by offering Beta from my field, and Alpha the Magnet Warrior and Gamma the Magnet Warrior from my hand as tributes…” [B]Dio: ...I make a vortex that will suck up the entire universe. TRY TO FIX THAT WITH YOUR PHONE BOOTH, DOCTOR?![/B] Alpha the Magnet Warrior, a silver warrior with a sword, and Gamma the Magnet Warrior, a pink warrior with matching wings, both descended to the field. Then, all three Magnet Warriors split apart, and joined together into a combination of all three. “I can Special Summon from my hand Valkyrion the Magna Warrior!” The hooded man gasped. “That’s a…” [B]Dio: ...'Stupid name for a card." "Hey, take it up with the localization department."[/b] “Valkyrion, attack Zoa!” The Magna Warrior dashed forward. Zoa slashed at it, but it flew up into the sky, then descended down on the fiend with a slash, cutting it in half. Zoa then shattered, reducing the hooded man’s Life Points to 2900. “And I’m not done. If all three Magnet Warriors are in my graveyard, I can tribute Valkyrion to get them back!” Valkyrion split apart, and formed into Beta, Gamma, and Alpha. [B]Dio: IT'S MAGNETING TIME![/B] “Now, Beta the Magnet Warrior, attack Baron of the Fiend Sword!” The Baron raised his sword to block as Beta approached, but the Magnet Warrior broke through the sword and the Baron with one strike, shattering it. “D-damn…” the hooded man muttered as his Life Points dropped down to 2750. “You’re unprotected, and wide open for Gamma to attack!” Gamma dashed forward, and struck directly at the hooded man, dropping his Life Points to 1250. “Now, Alpha the Magnet Warrior, finish him!” [B]Dio: "GLADLY, SIR! THIS SWORD OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME- "Just do it." "Fine."[/b] Alpha leaped at the hooded man and with one slash, dropped his Life Points to zero. The duel disks deactivated, and the hooded man stood there, panting slightly. “That was good. But too bad for you,” he said. Dave raised an eyebrow. “What?” [B]Dio: "YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D!"[/B] “Freeze!” a voice called from behind Dave. He turned, alarmed, and saw a police officer a few yards from him, pointing a gun at him. Dave turned back to the hooded man, who threw off his hood, and unzipped his jacket to reveal a police uniform. He then took out a badge from his pocket and showed it to Dave. “Dave Evans, you are under arrest for violating Law 156-B3, which prohibits the use of effect monsters. You will be taken into custody, and will hold a trial in ten days.” [B]Dio: ...what the-why-wh-h-ssgnrbio o5kljwtbiy0hklmn5bvh4wp;lybnWHAT?!!?!?!?!!?!?!? WHY THE HELL IS THERE A LAW THAT VIOLATES-WHY DO THE POLICE EVEN CARE AB-Let the Doctor explain.[/b] [YouTube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHGTppKiLjE&feature=related[/YouTube] Dave gulped. “Dammit…will you do anything to my family?” “They are not the perpetrators. They shall not hold any responsibilities for your actions.” Dave clenched his teeth. He unattached his duel disk, and laid it gently on the ground, then straightened up with his hands up. He looked at the previously hooded man, then turned around slowly to face the other officer. He smirked, and kicked his duel disk with the side of his foot, making it skid across the ground. Both police officers turned to it, alarmed. Dave took this opportunity to make a run for it. [B]Dio: The Fugitive, Starring Homer Simpson![/b] He hopped over the fence, and moved quickly inside a narrow alleyway, faster than his frame would deem possible. The police officer that had the gun ran after him, while the other said something on his walkie-talkie, then also began to pursue. [B]Dio: "We got a fat man on the run. Yeah, I know that's an oxymoron, or whatever you wanna call it-stop laughing, Mark. Stop-oh, now you told John too, fantastic.[/b] It had already darkened when Matthew finally awoke. He sat up dozily and rubbed his eyes. He looked around, but the yard was deserted. “…Dad?” [B]Dio: Your dad's a criminal! ...for some reason. All in all, it was-no offense meant here-just plain boring. I will commend you for making the duels actually, well, duel-ish, but the rest was sorta laggy, and the ending was just plain stupid, unless it was meant to be that way. I mean, really, shouldn't these guys be GOING AFTER ACTUAL CRIMINALS? Well, that's my take. Play us out, Uncle Ben! [color=brown]I WILL FIND YOU, DAVE THE GREAT WALL! AND I WILL BEAT YOU AGAIN![/color] Dio: That's super.[/b] [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Wow XD I can't believe I'm laughing so much. "and he spat." "Dio: Ew" XDD Uncle Ben FTW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Chaos Sonic Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 XD Uncle Ben And WTF about the whole not using Effect monsters....ITS AGAINST THE LAW NOW?! XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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