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Fan Fix-tion Riffview

DL 

By DL 
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DL 

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Well, TBH, IDK how long review 4 will take, but me and Dio decided we SHOULD do fics by ourselves once in a while

So to keep you guys entertained while 4 is produced

[spoiler=Dai Chapter 1: And there was One]
[b]Welcome one, welcome all, to the first lone review of Fan Fix-tion Riffview. Today I, Hayate Ayasaki, AKA Daisuke, will be reviewing Lichking Lelouch’s [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239963-1-shot-archive/]Fall of an Old Order, part 1[/url]

This is apparently a short fic about World of Warcraft. Since I have never played World of Warcraft, I am likely not very qualified to review this.

Should be fun.[/b]



“Aradreith, stay with me!” It was all I could do to keep Ara

[b]So let me get this straight. In dialogue he calls his friend Aradreith, but in his head he calls his friend Ara? My guess is he wants to be familiar with him/her, but he/she hates him, so if he calls him/her Ara to his/her face, he/she kills him.

Oh, and some gender specificity would be nice.[/b]

conscious while I did the best I could with First Aid.

[b]Protagonist: H-hold on, Ara- I mean, Aradreith, here’s a band-aid!
Aradreith: *faints from blood loss and severe wounds*
Protagonist: F*CK, where’s that potion when I need it?[/b]

We were surrounded; the Horde was all around us,

[b]Usually what the word “surrounded” means.[/b]

an elite vanguard sent to destroy Stormwind City for good.

[b]Yeah, the other times they destroyed it those damn humans rebuilt it.[/b]

We had done our best, but their numbers were to great.

[b]The proofreading in this story was not to great.[/b]

Merson! Call Kwabbit, Ara needs a real healer now!”

[b]As opposed to a fake healer. And those usually can’t heal.

Also, I’d just like to point out that the beginning of that sentence is missing a quotation mark, so everything from that is inside his head. So either Merson can read minds, or the protagonist is just stupid and thinks he can.[/b]

I said as I got up from tending to Ara’s wounds

[b]Band-aids solve freakin everything.[/b]

and retrieved my Blades of Restless Nights.

[b]Its name is so epic, I shall tell you the epic name, but not give you any description whatsoever.[/b]

“Kwabbit is busy Sploda,

[b]The lack of comma makes me want to ’Sploda. And even if Sploda is a new verb, it should be Sploding![/b]

they are sending Lunafeora!” Merson said as he parried yet another sweeping blow from an Orc.

[b]With an Object that must not be Named[/b]

With a swift stroke, I eliminated the troll before me.

[b]The troll Sploded before his eyes.[/b]

“Luna? I thought she was with the western section?”

[b]Well you thought wrong.[/b]

“Apparently they’ve fallen back to secondary positions, explains the surge here and in the east!”

[b]“Aww, seriously? We’re here fighting with all we’ve got and they’re FALLING BACK? Oh that’s it, Luna is SO off my friends list on Facebook."[/b]

a large Draenei said laying waste to a squad of Horde Archers with a well-placed Death and Decay Spell.

“Fu*k, you sure Zarmodon?”

[b]I’m going to go ahead and assume, since when he first noted “Zarmodon” he identified him by being a large Draenei, not by his name, that the protagonist doesn’t know his name, and instead picked the most random-ass name he could find, and hoped it would be the Draenei’s name. Whatever those are, although I suppose usually people who read this are expected to have played WoW, so I guess this is where my lack of WoW play has done damage.[/b]

I replied, barely dodging a frostbolt. He simply nodded before wading into the pool of Horde to resume his rampage. Bloody Tanks,

[b]WoW version of Bloody Hell?[/b]

they are up there and we are stuck here. I thought as I Eviscerated a nearby Pansy, I mean to say Blood Elf.

[b]Maybe that would have been funny if you had not misused the comma. And if you were not inside your mind.[/b]

[2 weeks earlier]

“So Visuvious, Kalronath, how did the meeting with the House of Nobles go?”

[b]“Oh, uh…it went well. That is, until Kal kinda decapitated one of the nobles.”[/b]

I asked as they exited the Keep of Stormwind.

[b]Recently rebuilt.[/b]

I had been assigned to escort them to the Keep form

[b]Proofread

[color=Blue]Or else you will suffer the wrath of PAJAMAS[/color][/b]

the lands of our Guild in Stranglethorn Vale.

“They still refuse to recognize us as an independent entity!

[b]And the fact you’re most likely about to b*tch about it is probably why.[/b]

High Order is only being kept around to be used as a pet dog by the Nobles and their sponsors!”

[b]Don’t pet dogs usually get nice food, walks in the park, health treatment, etc?[/b]

Kalronath said as he mounted his Golden Gryphon.

[b]“Alright, Goldy, we’re about ready for take-off, but first I need to b*tch a little about unfairness in society, you know the deal”[/b]

High Order was easily the strongest Guild in the Alliance, numbering over 900 Elite members, triple that number in Recruits and Soldiers, nearly the same in workmen and craftsmen.

[b]And no women. Explains how they died out.[/b]

High Order was the veteran of the Resurgence into Outland, the Invasion of Northrend, and Heroes of the Cataclysm.

[b]And like most veterans, all they do these days is sit in rocking chairs and tell stories to little children.[/b]

The King had tried to grant us independence but the House of nobles;

[b]Not a sentence.

[color=blue]I think the author made a mistake when using the semi-colon[/color]

I think he needs to LEARN what a semi-colon is for.[/b]

backed by several other Guilds had blocked every attempt.

[b]Again, not a sentence, but was probably supposed to tie into that last one.[/b]

“We’ll return, and then we will deploy the Dusk Blade.”

[b]No relation whatsoever to the Blade of Restless Nights[/b]

Visuvious added, and as she did I grinned. I felt that things might be getting fun real soon.

[b]Then we share the same feeling, Except for me things will get fun because I’m done reviewing stories for the day.


Alright, all in all, this wasn’t a bad fic. I DO wish they had mentioned the protagonist’s name, you know? I mean, it seems like somewhat important information. It was slightly short, but apparently it IS just part 1. It’s got a good concept, and if it was bettered, I WOULD actually be tempted to read more. So, not the worst. Which is good for everyone.

[color=blue]Ooh, ooh, I want a cool name weapon too![/color]

Uh, sure, what are you going to call it?

[color=blue]THE SWORD OF WET PAJAMAS[/color]

…

Well, that‘s all for now. I’m Daisuke, and this is your lovable pajama-obsessed tsundere Yorui, and you just read another Riffview.[/b]
[/spoiler]
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Makο Newbie

Makο

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It's fine, I laughed here and there, but Duos are much funnier.



Also, stop being so obvious with the whole "Wet Pajamas" thing. It loses its funny if it's repeated over and over. I would have loved to see Yorui say something totally different, leaving you speechless.
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