Aesirson Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 Could you review mine (Heroes of Vigil) as well? I'm dying for some critique, and this loks like the best place to get it these days xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A20thCenturyBoy Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 The True Ace Attorney-two things. 1, love the icon. 2, your thing's about done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted February 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 REVIEW #3 IS DONE! It may be...lesser than the previous ones, but this fic was weird. Anyway, since we have so many takers, we'll go by order they were posted, altho it might take us a bit to get through them all XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legolover09 Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 That was the most pointless fic ever. It was basically, I am a mayor. There is a thug. He shot me me. I stole his gun. I can't feel pain. Plus other pointless junk. Halfway through I forgot the man's name in and was too lazy to find out what it is, so now he is MrRambleAmnesicMan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The True Ace Attorney Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks guys. That really made my day. Seriously. I laughed my arse off with this, which was weird considering I was in my front room watching some award show with other people. I'm looking forward to what you make of whatever you're reviewing next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted February 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 @Ace Attorney - Glad you liked it~ We worked extra hard to try and overcome the confusion that was the story. And be glad, you got a COMPLIMENT. :3 That's epic. Remember what fic #2 got? XD @Legolover - Like 20thCB said, it had potential to go places, but it needs to stop staying in one to do so xD Hopefully the next fic will be more normal @_@ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The True Ace Attorney Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 Hey, it may not be normal but given the quality of the "normal" fics on the internet in general, it's fairly decent. Here, "fairly decent" means "a piece of work that, despite it having obvious flaws, would still obtain relatively high marks were it to be graded at a secondary school (that's high school, just so you know) level, I know so because of my coursework that was handed in, that was significantly poorer than this, still obtained the highest marks in my school". Yeah. That's what fairly decent means in this context. Back to the point... Which I forgot... If I even had one... Anyway, thanks for the compliment. Star'll probably get a compliment for his fic, it seems to be getting positive feedback for the first two chapters at least. Erm... Bye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justice Master Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 Mine is meant to be crappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legolover09 Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 No offense to ace, but I like how your post had symmetry with your fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 ... Huh? That would get high marks in high school? Not here ._. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 [quote name='Hayate Ayasaki' timestamp='1297627758' post='5007139'] Dio: A winner is you! [color="#00BFFF"]I get told that all the time when I wear other people’s pajamas and then they become wet and sticky.[/color] Daisuke: … [/quote] I died. As for the story, could work as an intro to an action movie. And I'm fine with 1st person perspective. But yeah, their advice is on the spot. I just found an old short story I wrote in 5th grade. I'm debating on posting it here for you two to rip to shreds xD It's almost as bad as the 2nd fic .__. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The True Ace Attorney Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 [quote name='legolover09' timestamp='1297809191' post='5011031'] No offense to ace, but I like how your post had symmetry with your fic. [/quote] No offense taken. That's how I talk. I wrote the damned fic the way I would tell a story. [quote name='Zetsubou Black' timestamp='1297809282' post='5011036'] ... Huh? That would get high marks in high school? Not here ._. [/quote] Perhaps it wouldn't get high marks if it were based on actual quality. Unless the marking system is totally different, it generally awards high marks correct grammar, punctuation, spelling and consistency. Considering that the entire thing made sense, in the given context i.e. first person, and that it never strayed too far from the main point it would gain marks for consistency. The grammar, punctuation and spelling were, generally, good. The only exception would be in the first few sentences as they are not actual sentences. It may actually just be how it's done here now that I think about it. It's all because of our economy. With many people taking high level jobs because they have good qualifications, e.g. GCSE's and A Levels, despite their actual skills in Mathematics and English being severely weak, the government changed how the courses run and award marks. They also introduced extra mandatory college courses. This is all done because, in the past, English exams tended to be more questions than essays and free writing. Because of that, passing became dependent on remembering the right answers rather than being able to actually write legibly and correctly. Thus, people who could not even write a simple letter were obtaining higher qualifications than those who were creative and actually gifted with great English skills though were suffering from nerves or forgetfulness when it came to exam situations. I really hate sociology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Roflcopter To think I randomly clicked tis thread Frikin hilarity is that a word? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sploda Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Win. I have to say Dio, is the one who makes me laugh more than the others. and I swear if that Pajama persons shows up one more time I'm writing a one-shot that will get me in there to personally kill- OH WAIT! http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239963-1-shot-archive/ One-shots FTW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A20thCenturyBoy Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 @Ace-I'd honestly advise you to keep writing it. It may get better as it goes on. See how it works out. This is totally not a way for us to riff on your story more >> As it is though, it's a run on sentence put into story form. XD @Lelouch-Thanks! @Chase-IT IS NOW. @Fusion-DOITDOITDOIT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 I do have to say him getting woken up in the hospital with a gun pointed at his face is a fun twist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A20thCenturyBoy Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 @Dr.-Eh. It would've been, if he hadn't been in the same situation just a bit before. To be honest, my first thoughts after that were, "OH HERE IT GOES, HERE IT GOES AGAIN~" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted February 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 My first thought was he should pick more secure hospitals. >_> @Fusion - Oh, you should definitely post your short story in YCM for us to rip apart. @Chase - LOL xD Glad you liked it~ :3 @Creator - I like Yorui D: But yeah, we'll probably have other guest commentators as time goes by. [s]Like James the amnesiac with ADD.[/s] And that'll be our 7th one ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anbu-of-Sand Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 This third review wasn't as funny as the previous two. This wasn't your fault though, it was the Fic Creator's for actually making the Chapter somewhat decent. Also, may I requests certain Fan Fics to be reviewed? Ones that may or may not be mine? I would really like to see you some of my personal fav's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legolover09 Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Yay, MrRandomAmnesicMan might be a guest! Because I still don't care about his name! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Maybe the third skit guy just has massive ADD so he can't pay attention long enough to remember @ 1st skit The only pokemon that'll ever come into that story is a tentacool Or any other pokemon an innuendo could be made out of Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 What do you get when you take a "special" 5th grader boy who had lived the past 4 years of his life worshiping DragonBall Z and then recently being introduced to One Piece, Naruto, and YuYu Hakusho, plus an afterschool creative writing enrichment program, and nothing but positive reinforcement? [spoiler=This .-.] Go’s Journey Part 1: The Tournament Hello, I’m a warrior from Earth. My name is Go. My real name is Yusgi Torioda. I’m a secret agent that knows martial arts. My agent name is Agent Go. My agency “Underworld” is top secret. I can even go to the places of dead and outer space. My rival is Stop; an agent for “Upperworld. He is a red head and is 12 years old. Our agencies are mortal rivals. I’m also 12 years old and a blondie. My archenemy is Mymother. She’s part of an alien nation and is trying to kill me. I’m heading towards a tournament with martial artists and weirdos competing in it. Only 8 will get in. They will compete to own the title of the greatest fighter in the universe. The winner’s reward will be an all you can eat buffet and 62 cents. Ah I’m there. I’m finally on Mars (this is where the tournament will take place, I got here on one of Underworld’s rockets). That’s a big building. It has a sign that says, “Universal known martial arts tournament of the galaxy.” It’s a brick building with a white roof made out of tiles. To tell you the truth we don’t fight inside, but behind the building. Later on I enlisted in the preliminaries where all the fighters fight until eight victors are left and fight in the tournament. Since I fought so many fights I can’t tell you how I won (yes I won, yay me!) Well, now the eight competitors are decided. I actually know a few of them. The competitors are I, my rival Stop, a guy named Puddingman (?) who is a human in a cup-shaped costume labeled chocolate pudding, a guy named Man Lion (he is a human wearing lion skins), a female maniac named Motherman, and-huh? Mymother? She’s here? Crud. Well I’ll worry later. The other two guys are Captain Blorbalot and Computer Boy. Besides Stop and Mymother I know Computer Boy and Captain Blorbalot. Computer Boy is an amateur human who has a psychic link to the Internet and searches for techniques and weaknesses. Captain Blorbalot is a white blob (I’m not sure what he’s made out of and I don’t want to know) that has legs and arms, plus he wears a blue cape but has a huge weakness-water. Anyway the matches have been set. The matches are: 1. Puddingman vs. Man Lion, Stop vs. me, Motherman vs. Captain Blorbalot, and Mymother vs. Computer Boy. The rules are if you are out of the ring, unconscious, you are giving up, or you kill your opponent you lose. The first match will now begin. Whoops, I tripped! I hit my head. When I woke up the first match was over with Puddingman taking the victory. Now it’s me vs. Stop. The gong rang and the match started. Ow! Stop threw a punch! I’ll throw a knee-kick. Wham! He countered with a head-butt. Argh! Why can’t I hit him? This guy’s intense. He’s winning. But I have an idea. “Here I come!” yelled Stop. I got ready and…I threw three punches, four head-bonks, and two kicks in rapid succession. He countered every hit! I’m so mad I-huh? Pow! He slammed me to the ground. I was in a daze. Huh? I won? Wow, Stop actually tripped on the edge of the ring and fell off! In the semi-finals I’m facing Puddingman. Now it’s Motherman vs. Captain Blorbalot. Gong! “Blobby power!” Captain Blorbalot said. Captain Blorbalot took a blob of his skin off and threw it at Motherman. Motherman smacked it aside and threw a bucket of water and threw it at him. Captain Blorbalot passed out and Motherman took the victory. Now the last match is Mymother vs. Computer Boy. Gong! “Hoo hah!” yelled Mymother. “Wait!” cried Computer Boy. Pow! Mymother threw a bad punch. “Stop!” yelled Computer Boy. Wham! Mymother threw another punch. Mymother is the victor because Computer Boy lost consciousness. Computer Boy’s strategy failed. When he searched the Internet there weren’t any documents on Mymother because she’s an alien. Well, now I’m facing Puddingman. I don’t know how he got this far. Suddenly Puddingman said, “Yogurt whirlwind!” Yuck! He threw yogurt at me in whirlwind form using psychic levitation. Awesome. But man, he’s gross. “Pudding Party!” yelled Puddingman. Bleh, an explosion of pudding! “Pudding punch!” cried Puddingman. Ow, that was just a regular punch (he actually smeared pudding on his fist). Uh oh! Phew. I almost fell out of bounds. Alright. “Elemental Tribeam!” I shouted. Water, fire, and ice came out. This move is an energy beam that contains random elements and shoots them out. Ko! I won. Now it’s Motherman vs Mymother. Motherman cried, “Timeout blast!” Mymother dodged. Motherman just threw an energy bomb, which is made out of energy from the body. Same thing with the Elemental Tribeam. Underworld taught me to harness energy from my body into a useful weapon. Mymother cried, “Doom’s Discipline!” Motherman caught Mymother’s kick and sent her spinning to the ground. Motherman then threw a kick and got a critical hit. It seems like Mymother’s going to lose. Crack! Huh? Whoa, Mymother took the victory because when Motherman threw the kick she broke her back (she’s starting to get old). I have 10 minutes until the final match between Mymother and me. I feel very nervous, but I’ll prevail, I know it. 10 minutes passed as I pondered a strategy to beat Mymother. The match begins now. Gong! Here I go! “Destructo Bomb!” I cried. This move is my ultimate energy attack but I don’t use it often because it drains your living energy quickly but I want to finish this before I get killed. No! She dodged it! Uh oh! Mymother shouted, “Punishment Punch!” Ugh! She threw a punch to my jaw. Ow! Oh no, I’m on the edge of the ring. I’m going to lose. Then Mymother shouted, “Caring Kick!” Wait, that’s it! In the nick of time I grabbed her leg and smashed her on the ground outside the ring. I won! But it wasn’t much of a match, but there was suspense. Suddenly I heard someone say, “ You may have won the battle but you didn’t win the war, Sharing Smash!” Suddenly I felt two fists clamped together pound on my head. Everything blacked out. Later I woke up to find myself on Mymother’s planet. I think I’m being sacrificed to her nation. But it’s weird; her entire nation looks like humans, just not the same clothing. But they seem to live like amphibians do, and they seem to eat the same things they do too. Maybe they’re amphibians with human appearances and structures. Well I’ll solve that mystery later. Oh great! The executioner’s coming with the axe that will kill me and send me to Heaven. What do I do? Wait, I got it! Since my arms and legs are tied to a cross you’d think I was hopeless right? Wrong! “Elemental Beam!” Only ice came out. Everyone’s frozen. Since the ropes tied to me also got frozen I easily broke free. What happened was I shot the beam out of my mouth. Even if three random elements come out of my hands I can pick one element and shoot it out of my mouth (this move was also shot out of my mouth). One problem just struck me, I don’t have any transportation. But maybe I can go to the pet store (hard to believe aliens have them) and snatch a pet that has the ability to teleport. Maybe they have robots (I discovered robots can be pets in certain alien races). I’m there; now let’s see what they have. A weird thing with bubbly, wrinkled skin, a monster that appears to be female, and a robot. Hm, it seems to be off. I flicked the switch. Suddenly it turned on and said, “Greetings, I am P6-052496510B. What is your command?” What happened was “Plow” (I nicknamed him that) decided to join me on my journeys and teleported me back to Earth. So I never got the prize but I got a new partner and Mymother is down for now. Huh, uh oh. Crash! A paper airplane flew in…and broke my window. Inside it was 62 cents and a note. It was from the people that hosted the tournament. It was an apology for no prize. Also they replaced the all you can eat buffet with an invitation to Heaven’s House of Fun. Wow, Heaven! Cool. “Plow let’s go!” Plow replied, “I’m coming. Oh boy, here we go! To be continued in Go’s Journey Part two: Heaven’s House of Mutiny.[/spoiler] Preserved perfectly, all errors included <3 Heads up DL, it's 5 pages long in Word. Try to bear with it. This could very well send you into insanity... I can't WAIT to see this thing's review. I'm betting it'll take a while though, so anyone else want to rip on it in their free time, go ahead. Just know this was in 5th grade, 6 years ago >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justice Master Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Hello, I’m a warrior from Earth. My name is Go. [b]That is an odd name. There is also an odd thing about your keyboard. It has something called the comma. Use it.[/b] My real name is Yusgi Torioda. [b]Well, why didn't you tell us this before you told us your nickname?[/b] I’m a secret agent that knows martial arts. [b]How old are you? Where do you live? Where are you? GIVE. US. DETAILS.[/b] My agent name is Agent Go. [b]Not what I meant. [/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted February 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 The force is weak in this one. But in reality, at least it's better than C-4 Bomb Scans @Anbu - Somewhat decent and VERY confusing. Also, feel free to post any fic links you think we should review, and we'll get to it when our schedule allows xD @Legolover - Lol. Let's see if we get any possible guests from Star's fic ;D @Chase - That is a possibility. Also, lolinnuendos The first one actually sounds like something I'd write. Except I wouldn't suck :/ And I wouldn't call it a Pokemon fic, because that's just a bold-faced lie. @Fusion - I skimmed through it. Jeez, there's no doubt you wrote this when you were 11. It's something only a 5th grader could write up XD It'll be too easy to tear to shreds~ And oddly enough, it doesn't seem overly long. xD Hmmm...I want you guys' opinions. Do you think me and 20th CB should do, along with our usual Collab Riffviews, Lone Riffviews from time to time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Do Lone Riff-views for fics that are at least somewhat decent. Collab reviews for ones that truly suck. And I know it's easy, that was the point :T Are you gonna, or no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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