Fan Fix-tion Riffview

[DL]

Hello and welcome to Fan Fix-tion Riffview! We know there's some great fanfiction out there. Unfortunately, it doesn't come from this site. You've seen others riff/reviews on stuff before, but they've only scraped the top layer of the bottom of the barrel. I'm Hayate Ayasaki, and this is A20thCenturyBoy, and-under the names Daisuke and Dio-we're gonna take you through some of the worst of the worst fanfiction out there.
Hang on, folks, and try not to lose your lunch.


[spoiler=Chapter 1: One is the Loneliest Number...]
[b]Alright, this is our first fic review, and it covers the story [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/237180-kogeki-pokemon-boken-a-pokemon-fan-fic-pg-13/"]Kogeki Pokemon Boken - A Pokemon Fic[/url][/b]

[b]So what if the writer assumed everyone could read Japanese in an English forum? I'm sure that it's because he thinks of his future readers as refined, and thus have mastered such trivial matters as languages, and I am also sure this story is of the finest quality. [/b]


[b]Shall we begin with the first line?[/b]

"Zach! Damnit, Zach! Baka, wake up!"

[b]Daisuke: Man, that is one pissed off bilingual tsundere.[/b]

[b]Dio: Hey, I can use Japanese words where they don't belong too! My nakama and I went to the mall today.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, this writer is such a baka.[/b]

sounded a voice in the darkness.

[b]Daisuke: Holy crap, darkness tsundere![/b]

I slowly opened my eyes only to see a small, white, heel coming straight down to my face.

[b]Dio:Correction - PMSing bilingual tsundere.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Just a heel, not a body as well, however often the two are connected.[/b]

"I said wake the heck up!“ called the voice as I realized that it was a foot coming for me!

[b]Daisuke: You only realized it was a foot after your observation a heel was coming straight at you. Genius.[/b]

I completely opened my eyes and, boom!

[b]Dio: HEADSHOT[/b]

[b]Daisuke: His eyes sure took their sweet time in fully opening.[/b]

I laid there for a second, then, wiping the blood from my nose, I moved the foot off of my face.

[b]Daisuke: I imagine it would be difficult to wipe the blood off one’s nose with a FOOT on their face.[/b]

"Well... good morning to you too, Yorui." I said in a bored voice.

[b]Dio: Yes, because saying good morning always comes before MEDICAL ATTENTION. Isn't this some kind of abuse?![/b]

"Darnit, Zach! Get the h*ll out of bed!

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, get the h*ll out of bed, Zach, what the heck are you thinking?[/b]

[b]Dio: And the censors strike again! ...erraticaly...and with a word that doesn't need to be censored. GOD DAMN YOU HAYS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODE![/b]

Just because you're already a Trainer doesn't mean that you are going to make me late for my Starter Pokemon!" Yorui said in an irritated voice.

[b]Dio: Yeah. God Forbid, you get something other than a turtle, a frog and an extinct dinosaur.[/b]

[b]Daisuke:Is anyone but me wondering why she would bring him along in the first place? He already HAS his Pokemon. What, he’s her legal guardian now?[/b]

It was that day for another Trainer.

[b]Dio: QUICK[/b]
[b]LET'S FIND THAT TRAINER[/b]
[b]MAYBE HIS STORY'LL BE MORE INTERESTING[/b]

Today was Yorui's thirteenth birthday.

[b]Dio: You look like a monkey~[/b]

Although Trainers usually get their starter Pokemon on their tenth birthday, Yorui's mother and father decided that Yorui was too immature to handle being a trainer until she was thirteen.

[b]Dio: Now she's immature AND abusive! The two most common qualities of Pokemon trainers![/b]

[b]Daisuke: She kicked a dude in the face to wake him up because apparently she’s too crippled from chronic amnesia to know the way to the Pokemon lab. She’s STILL too immature to handle being a trainer.[/b]

"Yorui... how did you get into my house... and why are you wearing my pajamas?" I asked. It was a two piece set consisting of a green checkered shirt and shorts, with a hole in the collar.

[b]Dio: And that description was *ding* completely pointless.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’m going to go ahead and agree. I mean, the description is nice, but the fact we still don’t know what the MAIN CHARACTER looks like, or what the girl wearing the main character’s pajamas (fetish?) looks like either, this description isn’t of the outmost importance…[/b]

"Your mom said that I could spend the night since you live a short walk away from the Pokemon Lab. She and my parents agreed that twelve miles is too much for me to walk on my own, so I bunked in the guest room.

[b]Dio: Uh, yeah, about that short walk...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, so let me get this straight. He lives close to the Pokemon Lab. She lives twelve miles from the Pokemon Lab. Does it make a freakin difference? She’s still going to walk twelve miles to his house. So no, this isn’t so she walks less. This is just her heinous plan to be able to fulfill her sick pajama fetishes![/b]

These PJs were the only ones you had clean so I didn't have a choice.

[b]Dio: Wait...[/b]
[b]does that mean-[/b]
[b]OH YOU SICK BASTARD![/b]

[b]Daisuke: See, this proves my point further. She KNEW she was going to be sleeping over at his house. What, does SHE not have pajamas she could have brought over his house?[/b]

Their so ugly too..."

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, their so ugly and their really bad-smelling.[/b]

[b]Dio: Typo count - 1.[/b]

she explained. I walk over to the window at the foot of my bed and opened it then, walking over toward Yorui.

[b]Daisuke: Wait, he opened the window while walking toward her? That is SO Mr.Fantastic![/b]

I grabbed her by the back of the collar and back of the pants.

[b]Dio: YOU SICK BASTARD WHY[/b]

[b]Daisuke: But more to the point, the fabric would definitely rip. Unless it was covered in some sort of sticky…[/b]

[b]… [/b]

[b]to quote my good friend Dio: “YOU SICK BASTARD WHY”[/b]

"Hey! What the hell are ya' doin'!?" she hollered as I lifted her.

[b]Dio: WOO! DOWN WITH CENSORS![/b]

[b]Daisuke: So first we change the word completely, then we just censor it, then we remove the censor. I expect we‘ll be at porn by the end of this.[/b]

She was a rather small girl, maybe around ninety pounds, so it was a simple task to pick her up.

[b]Daisuke: A rather small girl that can fit perfectly into your only pair of clean pajamas. [/b]

[b]Dio: So apparently she’s anorexic?[/b]

Then I walked her over to the window, kicking and punching,

[b]Daisuke: So he’s kicking and punching as he’s carrying her to the window? He is a freaking beast.[/b]

and dropped her out the other side on her behind.

[b]Dio: And then I got arrested, got into drugs in prison, and died in the slammer. THE END[/b]

[b]Daisuke: …Please tell me they‘re on the first floor…[/b]

Just as I started to close the window, my bedroom door swung open and a voice called from behind me.

[b]Dio: "This is the police! We have you surrounded!"[/b]

"Good morning, Zachery!" I recognized the voice and quickly turned around to see who it was

[b]Daisuke: You recognized the voice. You KNOW who it is. I am going to assume at this point Zach is just pretending he knows who it is to sound smart.[/b]

but right when i turned, I

[b]Daisuke: Right when I went to play, i found out I needed to learn to spellcheck.[/b]

was smacked in the face and launched out of the window, over Yorui, by something that felt like a large, squishy, pillow

[b]Dio: I used that opportunity to flee, and not be caught at the crime scene.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: …large, squishy…pillow…[/b]

[b]This is going to turn into an ecchi harem, isn’t it?[/b]

"Oh no! Zachy, I'm soo sorry!" the voice said.

[b]Dio: "IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FATAL!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “The mysterious voice I apparently recognize“[/b]

I managed to get back on my feet and focus my still shaken vision on who knocked me out the window.

[b]Dio: “I saw dancing pandas.”[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Mhmm, they‘re definitely on the first floor, no doubt.[/b]

" Rina?! You're here too?!

[b]Dio: "God dammit all to hell!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Apparently our protagonist has no idea what Rina looks like, yet recognizes her voice from a simple “Good Morning, [s]Zachy[/s] Zachery”.[/b]

Wait... that's my favorite shirt an-" I stopped. "Huh?"' I said, looking up. "Um... Rina, you're not wearing any pants." I said, turning my head.

[b]Dio: What is it with these stories and near-naked people? GET TO THE POKEMON.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Alright, so they shouldn’t have been badly injured because they fell off the first floor. Makes sense.[/b]

"Oh my gosh! I usually sleep in my panties at home so I didn't think twice about it when I slept over here!

[b]Dio: Remember. These are YOUNG TEENS.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Oh, I wonder if going pantless in the harem-holding male lead’s house could lead to perverted crap. Oh, what am I thinking? It’s perfectly safe.”[/b]

I'll go ask your mom if she has washed my clothes from yesterday. Seeya downstairs, Zachery!" She said as she left, tripping on the door seal.

[b]Dio: She then hit the wall and had a concussion THE END[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I can‘t even comment on this. This girl‘s stupidity and clumsiness have fallen so far, it‘s almost like she’s a reference to every other clumsy anime character with huge breasts in the anime world.[/b]

Rina was never a very bright girl. Kids in earlier years of Pokemon School used to make fun of her by calling her "Ri-Ri". They would say that all of her brains fell down into her boobs.
[b]Dio: Ohey, maybe we should go there to see some F*CKING POKEMON![/b]

[b]Daisuke: This is a Pokemon fic? Since when? Well, that aside, I find it really awkward how she had big breasts during early years of Pokemon school. Considering Pokemon school comes before being a Pokemon trainer, and since he said early years, can we assume she had big breasts by the time she was 6-7? [/b]

[b]Dio: PUBERTY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And those kids lie. She never had a brain to begin with.[/b]

One day, while we were having lunch at school, some kids came up to me and started making fun of me because of my laid back attitude.

[b]Dio: Oh, yeah, THAT'S what they're making fun of. Definitely not your epic storytelling skills. *insert sarcasm here*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, so they pick on him because he’s laid back? Who does that? “Yeah, man, that dude is SO laid back! Let’s make fun of him![/b]

When Rina came over to ask me a question, Tex, the "leader" of the children began pulling on Rina's hair and calling her "Ri-Ri".

[b]Dio: I think we already established that they do that.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Maaan, that girl has such big breasts! Let’s pull her hair!”[/b]

When I saw a tear in her eye, something snapped out of nowhere, and I punched Tex in the cheek, launching him into the pile of stacked desks behind him.

[b]Dio: Yeah, violence solves everything - WHERE'S THE GOD DAMN MOTHERF*CKING POKEMON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!!?!?!?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Oooh, you’re getting a time-out!” But in all seriousness, that’s a pretty damn strong 6/7-year old.[/b]

I think that may be why Rina hangs around me so much.

[b]Dio: Noooooooooooo. Really?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Your intelligence is one of the wonders of the world, dear protagonist.[/b]

"Darn it, Zach!

[b]Dio: THE CENSORS FAIL AGAIN![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Man, this girl wants to use every bit of her vocabulary, huh? Hell, heck, darn, etc.[/b]

Stop day dreaming about Rina and help me get back through the window! I need to take a shower!" Yorui said, punching me in the nose.

[b]Dio: Physical abuse-HILARIOUS![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Man, that kid’s face doesn’t get a break…[/b]

Yorui, we were dropped out of the second story of my house.

[b]Daisuke: HOLD THE PHONE[/b]

[b]NO[/b]

[b]NO[/b]

[b]SECOND STORY?[/b]

[b]YOU MADE ME BELIEVE IT WAS THE FIRST.[/b]

[b]How did they survive unscathed from that fall? How did he SEE HER PANTLESS? DOES HE HAVE X-RAY VISION OR SOMETHING?[/b]

[b]Dio: 20/20?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Why couldn’t RINA fall out from the second story? No one would miss her.[/b]

Do you really think I can help you get back through the window?" I asked, chuckling.

[b]Dio: Yes. It's called a ladder, WONDERFUL little device.[/b]

[b]Yorui: No, I expect you to buttrape m- OF COURSE I THINK YOU CAN HELP! GO GET THE DAMN LADDER![/b]

"Shaddup! I knew that!

[b]Dio: No.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: ~Tsuuunder- *gets shot*[/b]

I'm going around to the front door, you coming?" She asked as she walked away. When we got back inside, we were both called to the kitchen by my mother.

[b]"There's these silly officers here on some murder case..."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Two kids falling out of a window is definitely normal. Definitely wouldn’t draw any attention.[/b]

"Good morning, everybody! In honor of Yorui's special day, I made her favorite for breakfast! Blueberry and Chocolate Chip Pancakes

[b]Dio: From Eggo![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Special day, what are y- oooh, right, I almost forgot she was going to become a Pokemon trainer.[/b]

Come and have a seat, Rina is already here." She said. We all sat down and began to eat when my mom spoke up and said, "Oh, hey Zach! I forgot to tell you

[b]Dio: "You're adopted."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “You’re grounded for having thrown Yorui off the second story window.”[/b]

[b]“But moooom!”[/b]

[b]“No buts, mister. Off to your room.”[/b]

that the Pokemon Dojo on the border of Johto is have a special Training Day for newbie Trainers in a week!

[b]Dio: "Stay the hell away, ok, sweetie?"[/b]

If you and Yorui want to head there after she gets her starter from your father, you might wanna hurry. It is a five day walk from here!"

[b]Dio: Yes, the Pokemon universe DOES NOT HAVE CARS. Despite all their other technological advancements.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh, and here Yorui was worried she needed to walk twelve miles to the Pokemon Lab. Pssh.[/b]

My father is the Pokemon Professor in town.

[b]Dio: HOW CONVENIENT.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It really is. I’m going to go ahead and call shenanigans on this, and say that our protagonist only WISHES his father were such an important man, but is instead a migrant worker.[/b]

"Alright, I guess we know the first place that I'm going after I get my Pokemon!" Yorui stated with one foot in her chair and her fist in the air.

[b]Dio: Subliminal advertising for Captain Morgan, I see.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: That‘s almost more cliché of a pose than the “Nice Guy“ pose.[/b]

"Oh oh! Can i come too?! You are gonna need a Pokemon Breeder to help your hurt Pokemon!" Rina exclaimed, jumping in the air.

[b]Dio: No, silly, that's what Pokemon Centers are for. Breeding is...uh...well, when a Ditto and a Daddy Pokemon love each other marginally enough...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Who needs Pokemon centers, right? And who needs gravity, right?[/b]

Rina was fifteen but always acted like she was twelve or thirteen.

[b]Dio: The writer is the same way![/b]

[b]Daisuke: We definitely cannot figure this out by ourselves, it has to be told to us by the writer.[/b]

"Sure, Rina. Also, Mom, do you know where Buster

[b]Daisuke: Buster? In a land of Japanese names there is a kid called BUSTER?[/b]

is this morning? I haven't seen him." I asked, pointing at my room upstairs.

[b]Dio: "Oh, he's staying out of this story."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I can see why.[/b]

Oh, he went to your father's lab this morning and I haven't seen him since." she said.

[b]Daisuke: Whoops, guess little Buster got lost.[/b]

[b]Dio: QUICK, GET HIS FACE ON A MILK CARTON[/b]

"Well, Yorui, it is your lucky day. it looks like I have to go to the Lab today!

[b]Dio: “I'll get DeeDee out, first.”[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So the kick to the face to wake him didn’t imply he kinda had to?[/b]

Well, let's get going before noon." I said. We all stood up, thanked my mom for breakfast, and headed for the door.

[b]Dio: In unison, of course.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I foresee a musical.[/b]

"Wait, Zachery. I forgot to say that Riley will be coming with you to the Dojo!" she said, waving a dish in the air.

[b]Dio: "Whoops, there goes the family china!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Might have been smart to put the dish down first, BEFORE waving your arm.[/b]

"Oh, God, no!

[b]Dio: He's reading the story too?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I don’t know, but he’s IN it, and I bet it’s a lot worse. He can’t just walk up and leave as I am tempted to do in the middle of a review, he must endure an entire adventure.[/b]

Yeesh, I guess I'll stop by his house on the way to the lab. Well, I'll seeya later, Mom!"

[b]Daisuke: Go, quickly, before she can lay any more big revelations on you![/b]

[b]Dio: “And if anyone named Big R comes looking for me, I DON'T HAVE HIS CASH.”[/b]

I said with a sigh. I rarely complain but I will make an exception for Riley at any time. "Well... let's get going." I said as we walked out the door into the blinding sunlight.

[b]Daisuke: Solution: Sunglasses[/b]

[b]Dio: We then realized we were vampires, and burned to dust. THE END.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh, how I wish it were s-[/b]

[b]Wait.[/b]

[b]We‘re at the end already? YES! THE SUFFERING IS OVER![/b]



[b]*puts on serious mask*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: All in all there was a lot of unbelievable things, and it seems more harem than Pokemon to me. The writing itself is not terrible, but definitely not good. I mean, there was basic description, but not even the usual “black hair“. I don‘t know what the main character looks like. And when you don‘t know what your character looks like, it may be a sign that you want to actually TELL your reader what he looks like.[/b]

[b]Dio: Let me just put it this way. It's as much a Pokemon story as Jade is a Pokemon game. That's all for now, folks, but until next time, remember-if you make a bad story, like an a****** neighbor, Riffview is there.[/b]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 2: It Takes Two to Tango]
[b]Alright, this time, we're reviewing [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239689-escape-from-hawk-penintentiary/"]Escape from Hawk Penintentiary[/url] (yes, it is spelled like that in the title)[/b]

[b]Note, the entire story is around the length of a paragraph, but I've learned not to judge quality by quantity. Of course, I've also learned by myself that writers suck more in YCM than real life.[/b]


[b]Daisuke: Alright, considering the fic we last reviewed was pretty bad, let’s see if this one can prove better.[/b]

[b]Dio: FIRST LINE HO[/b]

Jackson Porter, a Miami, Florida criminal who was sentenced to Metrowest Detention Center.

[b]Dio: Fond of fragmented sentences. Talked like Rorschach. Hrrm.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: For those of you unfamiliar to how the English language works, I suggest NOT writing fan fiction stories to post on the internet for all to see.[/b]

He killed 5 unfortunate people with a sniper rifle above rooftops.

[b]Daisuke: As opposed to FORTUNATE people being shot dead with a sniper rifle?[/b]

[b]Dio: Unfortunate in that they were standing right next to his actual targets. Gogol 13 he is NOT.[/b]

After a long discussion, the jury said he was guilty.

[b]Dio: All of which is dramatized in the film 12 Very Agreeable People.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And of course, they all said this at the same time, out loud, for the whole court to hear, like the jury is supposed to do.[/b]

Judge Hoffman said,
"Jackson Porter, I sentence you to prison in 20 years!" Judge Hoffman said.

[b]Dio: Judge Hoffman said, "So come back in 20 years, ok?" he said.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Yeah, uh…enjoy your last 20 years of freedom, I suppose?”[/b]

Jackson tried to run from this,

[b]Daisuke: Run from what? 20 years of freedom?[/b]

but he was beaten down until there was lake of blood.

[b]Daisuke: THERE WAS LAKE OF BLOOD[/b]

[b]Dio:An ocean of it, if you will. A blood ocean.[/b]

He was knocked out.

[b]Dio: I was under the impression that he could survive massive blood loss. By the way, isn't that considered police abuse? I mean, jeez, he was trying to get away, I know, but shouldn't you RESTRAIN him first?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Ah, the lost art of restraint. Lost some time ago, around the time the art of proper grammar was lost as well.[/b]

He was sent to a hospital for a blood pack. Then, to jail.

[b]Dio:Then, to the first star to the right, and straight on till morning.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait. He’s beaten down so severely there was [s]a[/s] lake of blood, but all he gets is a blood pack?[/b]

He woke up 1 week later, in a prison cell.

[b]Dio: I thought he'd wake up in Narnia![/b]

[b]Daisuke: THE JUDGE LIED. HE SAID IN 20 YEARS[/b]

A guard walked by a

[b]PROOFREAD[/b]

tossed him his jail clothes. It said on them 'Hawk Penitentiary'

[b]Dio: "Dry clean only. Do not use cold wash."[/b]

"What the f***!" He yelled with anger and suprise,

[b]Dio: "But I just won a lifetime supply of Tide! God, damn it!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: More importantly however, we must praise this author. He is such an incredible writer he decided instead of doing what most writers recommend, to show instead of tell, he decided to go back to the ‘telling’, with a great twist. Except, no wait. There was no twist.[/b]

"I thought I was supposed be in Metrowest Detention Center!

[b]Daisuke: Oooh, plot twist![/b]

[b]Dio: Well, y'see, it turns out Metrowest was a HOTEL, so we kept getting prisoners asking for room service.[/b]

This is f***ing Bullsh*t!"

[b]Dio: Actually, it is. HE KILLED PEOPLE AND HE ONLY GOT 20 YEARS? GIVE HIM THE CHAIR[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Correction, he got jail IN 20 years.[/b]

A guard walked by and Jackson asked him wit anger and curiosity.

[b]Dio: "Which of those three qualities don't I have?"[/b]
[b]"Wit.”[/b]

[b]Daisuke: This writer is obviously so majestically talented, he decided to leave this here for us to think it is a spelling error, when, in truth, it is what he really meant, because our protagonist feels acting gangster will aid his cause. This is a wonderful piece of characterization, and the author should be given props for such mind-blowing skill. Or maybe he just forgot to proofread.[/b]

"Where am I and why in the hell am I here!?"

[b]Dio: Now don't you start getting into philosophy on us.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Because you…I don‘t know…killed five unfortunate people? (and lord knows how many fortunate ones)[/b]

"I don't know kid!" The guard said."I'm just your guard."

[b]Dio: "I'm just a guard, yes I'm only a guard, and working at a prison is hard."[/b]

"Not anymore", Jackson said.

[b]Dio: "CAUSE THEY JUST DECLARED A MISTRIAL!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Oh right, it’s been postponed for twenty years, as per the judge’s command right before you were beat to lake of blood.” [/b]

Jackson pulled the guard toward his bars and beat him to unconsciousness.

[b]Dio: It's not like he had a baton or anything. [/b]

[b]Daisuke: What a lame guard. I want to have a guard like that when I go to prison due to insanity because of reviewing fics like these![/b]

He took his keys and switched his clothes to the guard's clothes.

[b]Dio: It doesn't say he opened the cell, so one can only assume he stripped the guard right in the hall from his cell. MACGUYVER, EVERYBODY![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh dear god, you’re right. Great, another odd fetish. As if Yorui wasn’t enough.[/b]

[b][color=blue]PAJAMAS~[/color][/b]

[b]Oh shut up, Yorui. Go get your first Pokemon or something.[/b]

He read the name tag. "Wayson Peterson"

[b]Daisuke: Wayson Peterson? I wanna name my kid that now.[/b]

[b]Dio: WAYSON'S WORLD, WAYSON'S WORLD! IT'S PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT![/b]

"Eh, I can live with it." He said.

[b]Daisuke: Oh no, we are NOT getting into this whole “capitalizing after speech” thing. [/b]

[b]Dio: Maybe you can, but I CAN'T! GET ME OUT OF THIS! GET ME OOOOOOOUT![/b]

He went down the hallways and saw a sign saying 'EXIT'.

[b]Dio: YES![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Conveniently, he saw no one as he went down the various hallways in search of the exit. And wait, why is there a big sign saying ‘EXIT‘ in a jail anyway?[/b]

He said in his mind,
"Freedom!"

[b]Dio: I couldn't agree more![/b]

[b]Daisuke: So our protagonist doesn’t need to think, just say things in his mind to himself. Which…amounts to thinking.[/b]

He walked faster towards it.

[b]Dio: COME ONNNNN[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Come on, Dio, give him a break, while enduring extremely harsh marksmanship training, he forgot how to do the simple things in life, like running.[/b]

He opened it.

[b]Daisuke: That sentence was so boring it almost put me out of the misery that is reading this.[/b]

[b]Dio: YES! WE ARE DONE WITH THIS-[/b]

He was dissapointed.

[b]Dio: …no.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: …*falls asleep drooling*[/b]

He exited the hallways, only to find a courtyard.

[b]Dio: NO.[/b]

It looked as if it was the size central park in NYC!

[b]Dio: NONONONONO![/b]

In his mind, he said "God so help me, I will escape this god forsaken prison!"

[b]Dio: MOTHERF*CKER! NO! NO! NO! BULLSH*T, BULLSH*T, BULLSH*T NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/b]

[b]Daisuke: *wakes up, wipes away drool* Huh? It‘s over? WOOT.[/b]

[b]*serious face time*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Okay, I’ll try to be understandable and nice about this.[/b]
[b]This story sucks. The writing sucks, the grammar sucks to the point of giving the sentence a new meaning entirely, the character is flatter than a brick, and when people are cursing and yelling about your story not ending when they thought it would, there’s something wrong. Second fic we’ve reviewed, and not only was it not better than the last one, it was almost twice as bad, if that’s possible. Either learn to write English properly, learn to not SUCK while writing, or the only advice I can give is, stop posting this sort of disease in a website.[/b]

[b]Dio: THIS STORY MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE A FLORIDIAN! I'm Dio, this is Daisuke, AND WE'RE GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THIS STORY![/b]

[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 3: Three's a Crowd]
[b]Alright, today we’re going to be reviewing [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239777-would-you-like-a-cigar/"]Would you like a Cigar[/url][/b]

[b]Let’s hope this is better than the other two. At least better than the last one. PLEASE.[/b]



James Crawford.

[b]Dio: Hello, James.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh yes, we’ve never seen this sort of opening before. This is frighteningly unique. No one in history has even so much as fathomed that he or she could begin a story with the character‘s name in a not-sentence.[/b]

Me. The mayor.

[b]Dio: You're The Mayor? I LOVED POWERPUFF GIRLS![/b]

[b]Daisuke: This is a common main character among YCM fiction we have here. See, he suffers from a type of amnesia that will make him forget even who he is if he does not remind himself every few minutes.[/b]

“Mayor of where?” people ask, when I introduce myself while out of town.

[b]Dio: "Yes." "No, mayor of WHERE?" "Yes!" "You're the mayor of where?" "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!" [/b]

[b]Daisuke: So he always introduces himself like “James Crawford. The Mayor.”[/b]

[b]He is so badass. Badassness is shining through his every pore. It’s sickening.[/b]

“No business of yours my friend, now would you care for a cigar?” I reply.

[b]Dio: No thanks. Drugs can cause serious problems later on in life! NOW YOU KNOW![/b]

[b]Daisuke: At this point I’m thinking James just WANTS us to think he’s the Mayor of some mysterious town, when in fact he works a minimum-wage job. Or the amnesia already made him forget what town he’s a Mayor OF.[/b]

At that point I wipe my left hand through my short, neatly trimmed brown hair while reaching into my left breast pocket with my right hand.

[b]Dio: Fabio?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: OMFG, description. Now we know he trimmed brown hair. I can almost picture this guy standing in front of me due to this amazing description.[/b]

To be fair, I’m a pretty odd guy, though you probably guessed that already.

[b]Dio: Compared to the last two main characters we went through...not really.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, remember Mr.WeirdFetishJailEscapee?[/b]

[b][color=blue]My fetish was weirder~[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Shut up, Yorui, no one wants you.[/b]

[b][color=blue]B-but I have yet to show my fetish to the world![/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Then go around traveling with your Pokemon and let me and Dio do our jobs.[/b]

[b][color=blue]What’s a Pokemon?[/color][/b]

Anyway, I, James Crawford,

[b]Dio: "Being of sound mind and-aw, who am I kidding, I know that's a boldfaced lie."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: See, there are the signs of amnesia again. He needs to remind himself of his own name. Fight it James, FIGHT IT.[/b]

always dressed in one of my many bland black suits,

[b]Dio: Mr. Anderson...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: If you think they’re bland, go buy a different color. Or have you forgotten how to buy stuff? Amnesia sucks.[/b]

am the mayor of a small town in the south-east area of England.

[b]Dio: No wonder you're odd! You're the missing Monty Python member![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Come on, James, you can do it. Tell us the name. Tell us that small bit of exposition. YOU CAN DO IT![/b]

Often, many people ask me how my day was.

[b]Dio: They don't live to see tomorrow.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, what? The train of thought just shifted so much it’s not even funny! “I’m the Mayor of a town, but they kicked me out cause I forgot the name of it, an- OMFG PPLZ TALK 2 MEE A LOT”[/b]

Generally, it’s quite dull.

[b]Dio: Like this story, for example.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Because I have forgotten how to speak, and thus cannot reply in any way shape or form.”[/b]

Today, however, was a journey into the extraordinary.

[b]Dio: Into a dimension of light. A dimension of sound.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: What a unique journey. Most people pick the Journey into the Unknown to start their quest.[/b]

It was filled with more excitement than a fairly exciting roller coaster

[b]Dio: So it's safe to assume it was exciting?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It was slightly more than fairly exciting. Which, by the way, sounds really extraordinary.[/b]

and left me feeling downright lucky.

[b]Dio: Well, there goes my Dirty Harry joke.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And, following this story’s usual manner, instead of telling us why he felt lucky, or why the journey was more exciting than a fairly exciting roller coaster, I’m going to assume James just drifts off into an unrelated thought now.[/b]

And slightly empty, though that emptiness was more physical than emotional.

[b]Dio: "Trust me, those Taco Bell tortillas go right through you."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: See, I was right. Now he’s going to begin a deep, profound, and psychological inner monologue…right?[/b]

Want to know how my day was?

[b]Dio: Well-[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Apparently I was mistaken. WHY am I not surprised?[/b]

If not, then piss off.

[b]Dio: Fine! I wanted to, but if you're so RUDE about it...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Hold it, I just realized. We have not moved. Any thought James could have that would further the story was interrupted by his apparent lack of attention span, and at the end of all those mindless thoughts, he just reveals himself to be a dick.[/b]

I have no time for dilly dallying.

[b]Dio: Pish posh![/b]

If you’re reading this, then you do want to know how my day was.

[b]Dio: I have no choice in the matter.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Then why did he ask us? Was it supposed to be funny? Does he think he can be ironic to the reader’s face and have them LAUGH at it? I dislike you, James. More than a certain fetish.[/b]

[b][color=blue]I promise not to talk about pajamaaas…can I be let back in?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: …fine, but stay in the corner, and don‘t interrupt unless you‘ve got something productive to say.[/b]

Congratulations!

[b]Dio: A winner is you![/b]

[b][color=blue]I get told that all the time when I wear other people’s pajamas and then they become wet and sticky.[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: …[/b]

You’re one step away from finding out.

[b]Dio: Oh, the tension.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Finding out…this story’s over? Pleas let me be right.[/b]

Just let me rub my well groomed moustache and I’ll let you be on your way.

[b]Daisuke: Oh, no, please take your time, I’m in no rush. *looks around for the exit*[/b]

[b]Dio: I imagine that as being a handlebar stache, like so many stereotypical Brits have.[/b]

Mind the fall, the step is quite low.

[b]Dio: YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT BEFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Where did this thought come from? Am I MISSING something? Like, the actual grooming of the mustache? I mean, can‘t you even show us THAT much?[/b]

This is a step.

[b]Dio: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh, thanks for clarifying it was a step. I really couldn’t tell.[/b]

As the dark space of my office brightened slowly as the clouds moved across the sky and let the sunlight slip through the blinds, all was well.

[b]Dio: Yes, a WELL written sentence! I'm as surprised as you are![/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’m more surprised with the fact I’m actually NOT writhing in pain like with the last fic we reviewed.[/b]

Except, well, it wasn’t.

[b]Dio: Yes it was. The grammar was correct, it wasn't a run on, and i-oh, you mean your day.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So the only well-written, descriptive sentence was irrelevant to the plot? Aww, I thought we were about to get out of the character’s head and into some concrete stuff.[/b]

It’s hard to define a situation as “well” when you have a bullet in your left kneecap and a gun in your face.

[b]Dio: You seem like a "glass half empty" kinda guy, amirite?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: The transition was so sudden, I almost fell out of my seat. We went from a bunch of random thoughts to a fake description to GUNTOTHEFACEGUY.[/b]

The weird thing about these moments is that you don’t think about the immensely little time you probably have left.

[b]Dio: In fact, you could say...TIME HAS STOPPED! *shot*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: That sentence would have SO much more impact if he HADN’T been wasting his ‘immensely little time’ with inner monologues.[/b]

Instead, your mind drifts.

[b]Dio: I thought it cut to black in the middle of a Journey song.[/b]

[b][color=blue]My mind drifts all the time~[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: yeah, that happens when you have ADD.[/b]

Things like “Did I feed the dog before I left this morning?” and “I wonder if I can consolidate all of my loans into easily affordable monthly payments.” pop in and out of your head.

[b]Dio: Well, if you switch to Geico...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: No…when GUNTOTHEFACEGUY is right in front of me, I usually… like… shiver in fear…with my mind focused on the more pressing matter: THERE’S A F*CKING GUN POINTED AT MY FACE[/b]

Occasionally you feel the slight sting of pain, but the adrenaline keeps that away.

[b]Dio: "Right. It's adrenaline. Nothing else."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Adrenaline really doesn’t ease the pain of a BULLET in your KNEECAP[/b]

Anyway, before I carry on with this incessant rambling, I should probably let you in on the big secret.

[b]Dio: "I'M BATMAN."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So…he WASN’T incessantly rambling BEFORE?[/b]

I’m in my office and have a gun to my face...

[b]Dio: WHAT A TWEEST![/b]

[b][color=blue]Didn’t he mention that already?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: He did, but see, he forgot he did, due to his chronic amnesia, and thus felt the need to tell us this again.[/b]

Big shocker, I know.

[b]Dio: See above.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Not really, since you don’t seem shocked at all. So I assume you’re going to ninja yourself out of this.[/b]

It’d be more of a shocker if it was that simple.

[b]Dio: But it can never be simple, can it?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh how I wish it could be…[/b]

The gun is being held by someone...

[b]Dio: I was under the assumption the gun was sentient.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I was under the assumption this story made sense. Oh no wait, I wasn’t.[/b]

Not so shocking now, eh?

[b]Dio: IT'S TEN TIMES AS MUCH[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I am awestruck.[/b]

Probably wasn’t even a shock the first time though.

[b]Dio: See previous.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Maybe we’d be slightly tensed-up, if, instead of telling us about the gun a second time, and that it is held by someone (which is such a rarity) you were focused on the gun, and your feelings showed through. All I can imagine is this guy smiling with a calm face as GUNTOTHEFACEGUY is in front of him.[/b]

Still, you should probably know who’s holding the gun.

[b]Dio: A person![/b]

[b]Daisuke: We have no idea. But I’m predicting we won’t get to know who it is so easily.[/b]

Well, it isn’t me, for starters.

[b]Dio: OR IS IT[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I was right. Go figure.[/b]

It’s actually being held by the huge behemoth of a man that broke into my office during my customary morning hot chocolate.

[b]Dio: "I'M HERE TO-oh, wait, you got hot chocolate. No, no, I can wait."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, what? He broke into the office? I’m actually sure the police are on the way, since a huge behemoth of a man holding a gun breaking into a building’s office MIGHT just draw the attention of…oh, I don’t know, most people in the building?[/b]

Okay, you probably didn’t need to know about the hot chocolate,

[b]Dio: We didn't need to know about a lot of things.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Like half the things you told us, and Yorui’s pajama fetish, among other things.[/b]

but still, the point is that this guy broke into my office.

[b]Dio: THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS[/b]

[b]Daisuke: No, I’m pretty sure there’s a point, but since this story seems determined to withhold almost every useful bit of information from us, we shouldn’t expect to know the point for a WHILE.[/b]

He didn’t leave it there though, oh no he didn’t.

[b]Daisuke: Oh no he didn’t![/b]

[b]Dio: He left it about 2 feet back.[/b]

[b][color=blue]I’m not really experienced at this, but wasn’t that sentence really pointless?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: It WAS.[/b]

He pulled out the previously mentioned gun,

[b]No, he had it pointed at your face. Unless I missed some sort of transition to the past.[/b]

it’s a pretty bog standard handgun

[b]Dio: Never heard of BOG standard. Must be for people like the Creature from the Black Lagoon.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’m not an expert in guns, but if BOG was supposed to be BIG, then two things. One, there should be at least one comma in that sentence, and two-[/b]

[b][color=blue]Ooh, can I say? Pleeeeease?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke:….fine.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Yay! *clears throat* PROOFREAD! *kicks Ace Attorney in the face* TSUNDERE POWER![/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: …Eh, I’d save the kicking for AFTER we are assured he meant “big”[/b]

by the way and by “bog standard” I mean a dull, black handgun.

[b]Dio: Couldn't you just say a dull, black handgun?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: See, he really meant bog…for…some reason. Anyway, apologize Yorui.[/b]

[b][color=blue]*blushes* F-fine…sorry for kicking you in the face…[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Good little tsundere. Anyway, I’d have opted for description over “bog”.[/b]

Anyway, he breaks in, pulls out this gun and starts yelling about “The Boss”

[b]Dio: "I WANNA KNOW WHO WROTE THIS AND WHY!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’m guessing he went through every other office in his path asking for “The Boss” instead of just pointing the gun at the receptionist and asking where “The Boss” was. Unless James himself is “The Boss”, in which case there’d be no need for the thug asking about “The Boss” as if he didn’t know where he was.[/b]

and that he wants me dead and just pulls the trigger.

[b]Dio: Mmm whatcha saaaaaaay~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Why does he want him dead? Is HE “The Boss”?[/b]

No aiming at all, he’s flailing his hands around in a bit of a panic when it goes off.

[b]Dio: Anyone reading this would be the same way.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I find it funny how he switches to PRESENT TENSE to tell us something that happened IN THE PAST.[/b]

By some dastardly miracle,

[b]Dio: Dastardly being the key word, since you're LEAVING HIM ALIVE.[/b]

the bullet tears through my desk and lodges itself quite cleanly in my knee.

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, it went in cleanly, it didn’t hurt or anything. [/b]

[b]Dio: Unfortunately, he had multiple chambers in his gun.[/b]

I’m not panicking though.

[b]Dio: "I'M FREAKING THE F*CK OUT!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: By this time amnesia has taken such a toll on his mind, he forgot how to feel fear…or pain…or to have common sense…[/b]

In fact, he’s the one panicking. He’s just shot me, a well dressed gentleman who just happens to be the mayor,

[b]Dio: And just happens to make me want to stab my eyes out with scissors...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Ooooh sh*t, I shot a well-dressed guy on purpose. I am in sooo much trouble.”[/b]

and now there’s a small puddle of blood by my foot,

[b]Dio: Not a lake?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I miss ‘lake of blood’…[/b]

not that he can see that though.

[b]Dio: Unless it spills out on the floor.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: If he didn’t see it, why was he freaking out about shooting the Mayor (who he came to kill, by the way) when he wasn’t even sure it hit?[/b]

As he looks at me, and at the time I had quite a bored look to me,

[b]Dio: Reading this too, huh?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Yeah, my leg just got shot. Nothing new there.”[/b]

he goes into a bit of a rage.

[b]Dio: He wasn't in one before?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: No he was just…uh…panicking after having shot his target when he wasn‘t even sure it hit? For some reason?[/b]

He probably thought I’d be at least a little worse off than he was.

[b]Dio: You are. You just have no emotions.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He really doesn’t. Or he doesn’t feel pain. He got shot IN THE KNEE and had a BORED look in his face.[/b]

Then he takes a firmer hold of his gun and aims it squarely at my face.

[b]Dio: Could've done this before, but nooooo.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: No, remember, he’s the sort of thug that panics when they shoot someone. Oh no wait, there aren‘t any thugs like that.[/b]

Now, I’m looking at this guy and as the stupid thoughts are whizzing through my head, one catches my attention.

[b]Dio: "I just lost the game."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Out of all stupid ones, one catches his attention. One extremely pointless to the story, I bet.[/b]

This guy has a glass eye.

[b]Dio: GASP[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It’s too easy to be right these days.[/b]

Clearly, it has no real significance to anything at the moment,

[b]Dio: What-he-no signi-IT EXPLAINS WHY HE MISSED, YOU DUMBASS![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Eh, holds about as much significance as anything else in his thoughts.[/b]

but then my mind starts racing with these other thoughts and ideas.

[b]Dio: "I just lost the game AGAIN!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Thoughts even more stupid than the glass eye one.[/b]

“Where did he get it?” and “I wonder if he’ll let me keep it.” are just a couple of them.

[b]Dio: Instead of, "OH DEAR GOD I'M GOING TO DIE HE JUST SHOT ME I NEED TO CALL WHATEVER THE BRITISH 911 IS"[/b]

[b][color=blue]He really is interested by that glass eye, huh? Thinking about it to such extent while a gun is pointed at him.[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Alas, our protagonist never really learned guns could kill people.[/b]

Then, as I hear him take a deep breath, I spurt out the first question that came into my head, “Where did you get that glass eye from?”

[b]Dio: "Oh, well, I worked on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, and they gave me it as a going away present."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: WHY IS THIS PROTAGONIST SO FREAKING MENTAL? He has a GUN pointed at him, and he yet he has all these random thoughts about a thug’s glass eye![/b]

Something miraculous happened.

[b]Dio: The story ended?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Don’t just say that, explain what happened that was miraculous. Please.[/b]

He lowered his gun and stared confusedly at me.

[b]Dio: "Is this REALLY what you should be worried about?"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’d be freaking puzzled too. He had like, a gun to the guy, and the guy is like “Yo, dude, where’d you get the eye? It’s sooo gnarly”[/b]

Taking the opportunity, I take the gun from him and take aim at his face.

[b]Dio: Psyche![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Aww, and this fic was actually going better than the last ones. Then the crappy protagonist that I can’t even call Mary Sue because he’s not, he’s just mentally retarded, had to flash step to the thug and take the gun from him, all the while he had a bullet in his kneecap.[/b]

Now, the situation is in my favour.

[b]Dio: THERE'S the British speaking.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yes, because you used main character hack to get around your desk and to the thug before he could raise the gun again and shoot you.[/b]

Unfortunately, with this, the adrenaline is ebbing away now and the pain in my knee is becoming more and more noticeable, sort of like a small child on an aeroplane or on a bus.

[b]Dio: Heh heh. Aeroplane.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yes, small childrens’ knees become more noticeable while they’re in [s]airplanes[/s] aeroplanes or buses.[/b]

As I’m wincing, I ask him, “Who’s your boss?”

[b]Dio: Is that the British version of "WHO'S YOUR DADDY," or-ooooh.[/b]

[b][color=blue]You see, it’s funny because the thug came in asking for the boss, and now JAMES is the one asking for HIS boss, and…yeah, I’ll stop…[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh what, a thug can‘t work for his own self? What are you trying to say, every big guy holding a gun HAS to have a boss? Huh? HUH?![/b]

The poor man was dumbstruck. He’d just been taken advantage of by a man who has been shot in the knee.

[b]Daisuke: We just saw that, why tell us again? Actually, isn’t this from James’ POV? What’s he doing reading the thug’s feelings?[/b]

[b]Dio: Actually, he has an evil pla-[/b]

This level of embarrassment seemed too much for him and he fainted, right where he stood.

[b]Dio: - nevermind.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wuss.[/b]

Though that seems obvious, where else would he fall?

[b]Dio: Oh, maybe, TOWARD YOUR DESK?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He would fall so low to the level of being a lowly thug when instead he was made to be something that doesn’t involve guns, because obviously he wasn‘t made for that stuff.[/b]

As the lumbering giant hit the floor with a dull thud,

[b]Daisuke: He doesn’t weight much, then? I mean, if a big guy holding a gun fell on the floor and I was near, it would probably be loud as hell.[/b]

I dropped the gun, pushed my chair away from the desk and stood up, putting a lot of weight onto the desk.

[b]Dio: He must be a HEFTY British gentleman.[/b]

As the pain really begins to settle in, I let out a small yelp.

[b]Dio: "COR BLIMEY!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: When I finally feel the pain of a bullet in my kneecap, I yelp slightly too.[/b]

Stumbling around the desk towards the fainted man, I look at him and search for anything that might help.

[b]Dio: Like 50 pounds.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Might help do what?[/b]

Noticing the telltale lump of a mobile phone,

[b]Dio: That's not his phone.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: This sentence made me realize just how much tell we’ve gotten in this story thus far. Everything, basically, is told through a “I saw” or “I noticed”, we hardly get to see anything that isn’t told.[/b]

I reach into his breast pocket and pull it out. It was broken.

[b]Dio: "Wait, no, that's the battery case."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And he was carrying it around because…?[/b]

Typical, I finally have something life threatening happen and I have nothing to go on.

[b]Dio: Do intercoms not exist in Britain?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Remember, he has amnesia. He probably forgot they exist. Or maybe there aren’t any cell phone repairmen in Britain. Also, for someone who’d enjoy a life-threatening experience, why was he bored when he got shot?[/b]

Throwing the phone away, I climb to my feet, letting out another yelp, and limp slowly out of my office.

[b]Dio: WOULDN'T A MAYOR HAVE HIS OWN CELL PHONE?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He forgot how to dial numbers, most likely. If not, then he’s just an idiot for not calling for medical attention as soon as possible. For that matter, wouldn’t some people actually, you know, HEAR the sound of a gunshot and go see what happened?[/b]

Passing my assistant, who was ten minutes late for work, I tell them,

[b]Dio: Them? Is it a Siamese twin?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It was a team of ninja assistants that switch places almost instantly.[/b]

with a cheery face and a bloody knee, “Lovely day today isn’t it?

[b]Dio: "Sir, did you get drunk again?"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Oh yes, my leg is bleeding. Pay no heed to it.”[/b]

Could you do me a favour and call the police.

[b]Dio: "Well, you did turn me down for that promotion..."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Or you could call them yourself. It’s really not all that hard. But I suppose a team of ninja assistants is faster at doing almost anything than a single amnesiac Mayor.[/b]

There’s a man in my office that has had quite an experience.

[b]Dio: He just saw Coldplay in concert.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And at this, and the fact the guy’s leg is bleeding, the assistant is just standing there listening silently.[/b]

Oh, and an ambulance would be nice as well, I may need some blood.”

[b]Dio: Just a gallon will do.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Just some blood, not any other form of medical assistance, like removing the bullet from my kneecap.[/b]

With that, I fell to the floor, only to be rudely awakened a few hours later at a very white hospital. By the barrel of a gun.

[b]Dio: ...bloody hell.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: The gun was a cousin of the semi-sentient bog gun, and thus was yelling at him to wake up.[/b]

[b]Wait, it’s over? SWEET.[/b]

[b]Alright, I’ll say this now. This story was a BIG step up from the previous two stories. And it was quite hard to review because really there was nothing much to review. I mean, 90% of the time we were inside the character’s head. To be honest, I’d prefer this story to be in third person, to avoid going too far deep into the character, who I am impartial to. Simply because he, while at the same time of having a unique personality, can prove to be extremely senseless at times. This story definitely has potential, and I WOULD read more of it, but simple things can be made better, such as leaving out useless details like “But he didn’t leave it there, oh no he didn’t!”, because they just slow down the story, and have no real purpose.[/b]

[b][color=blue]A-and you should make your story more believable…and stuff…[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yes, that is true. If I look back, there’s a lot of things that don’t make sense, like a big thug guy fainting from simply having his gun taken from him and pointed at him.[/b]

[b]Dio: And now for my two cents-If you want to keep us hooked, speed it up, and make us WANT to know what this guy is thinking. Make us care if he's in trouble. You know...MAKE HIM LESS OF A CLOUD CUCKOO LANDER, AND IF YOU HAVE TO, MAKE HIM LIKEABLE! This story can go places, if it would stop staying in one.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Um…can I say it now? You know, the thing we planned? As a closing message?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: …fine.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Yay! * gives thumbs up* This review is Pajama Approved~[/color][/b]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 4: Lucky Four-leaf Clover]
[b]Alright, after a long break, we're back. We've decided to review Star's [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/238955-yugioh-cross-roads-new-episode-4-running-out-of-time-part-1-posted-pg-13"]Yugioh: Cross Roads[/url]. I've seen Star's work before, so I don't expect this to be terrible at all, and a pretty good read. Let's just hope I'm not wrong. [/b]


For some reason, one I’ve never been able to understand, people seem to believe that in life, they have a purpose.

[b]Dio: Ours, for example, is to suffer.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh, no, people have no purpose in life at all. We just live life and procreate, and teach the next generation, all for the hell of it.[/b]

It’s a common perception amongst people of all races, cultures, regardless of how you classify them.

[b]Dio: Except for the Canadians.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: DIO![/b]

[b]Dio: Ok, ok, I recant my Canuck crack.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, Canadians believe they have a purpose. But apparently this guy is not of any race, or culture, because he doesn't believe in purpose.[/b]

As much as I want to believe it, and I’ve tried, I find myself questioning the validity behind it.
[b]Dio: GET A JOB THEN, YOU LAZY CARD-GAMING BUM![/b]

[b]Daisuke: You can't 'try' to have a purpose if you don't know what the hell it is. You can look for your purpose, but don't just be an idiot and say "Well, I've tried looking for my purpose, but I can't find it, so it must not exist." [/b]

Every morning I wake up, and every night I go to sleep, and rarely does anything happen that makes me feel different, or makes me feel like something I’ve done is relevant in the grand scheme of things.

[b]Dio: It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Something tells me he's going to be proven wrong sometime around the middle of this chapter.[/b]

Maybe it’s just me.

[b]Dio: I agree. DAISUKE! Grab my iPOD. I need some Bowling for Soup to counter the depressing truth.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: You think it may be your alternate persona as well? You just said every race and culture seems to believe there is a purpose in life, and now you think MAYBE it's just you?[/b]

We don’t like outsiders here.

[b]Dio: Well, I'll just be on my-[/b]

[b]Daisuke: STAY.[/b]

[b]Dio: -way to get a drink, cause I'm staying right here![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Good, now for the real point...how did the topic shift from philosophy to "we don't take kindly to strangers around here"?[/b]

The Cross-Roads is the place, the one place on this earth, where absolutely no one cares.

[b]Dio: Where everybody knows your name~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yes, only on this particular type of earth, because there are still places like that in other locations on Earth.[/b]

It’s not even on maps.

[b]Dio: Well, if you go to Google...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, so people can't go there by following a map...but the people there don't take kindly to outsiders, the very very few that would get lost and stumble upon this Godforsaken town. These people are mean.[/b]

Here, the law doesn’t exist.

[b]Dio: Well, no one has to go to Hawk Penitentiary then.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: At least, we don't. We already reviewed that monstrosity. Also, just pointing out that a place with no laws probably isn't the best place to live, and most people are either going to be robbed, killed, and/or raped.[/b]

There are criminals running around all over the place, but if you’re here, you accept it.

[b]Dio: They're lovable rouges, aren't they?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Hahah, yeah, until they break into your house and steal your every belonging, leaving you to die of hunger.[/b]

The Officials don’t care, and why should they? Everyone who is here, is here because there’s nowhere else for them to be.

[b]Dio: But they're somewhere.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: If there's no law, why the hell are there Officials? They're usually there to...um...enforce the law.[/b]

The name’s Kaneko, but they call me Ken.

[b]Dio: Hey, Ken. How's Ryu these days?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: "Yeah, those rogues and thieves that steal and plunder all know me by name, we're really tight."[/b]

I don’t get it.

[b]Dio: See, it's a reference to a video game series called Street Fighter. [/b]

[b]Daisuke: Or it could just be Kenny is lacking in attention so badly due to where he lives , he makes up all these imaginary friends that all call him Ken.[/b]

I don’t get the appeal of a normal life, because I’ve never lived it.

[b]Dio: It's...er...well it's-you got me there.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It's weird because his life WOULD be normal to him. Thus by saying he has never lived a "normal life", he is basically just stating here that he is a shut-in who spends all day with his imaginary friends.[/b]

I was seven years old when my parents abandoned me here.

[b]Dio: "To be fair, I WAS running up and down the van screaming, 'I AM SO GREAT, I AM SO GREAT!' "[/b]

[b]Daisuke: "And I was eight when Maxy and Jim entered my life. Say hi, Maxy and Jim. No, I'm sure they can see you too."[/b]

They left me here to live a life of gambling, caring about nothing but themselves and even then, that was a stretch.

[b]Dio: Kid, I'm not supposed to tell you this...but they were actually secret agents. It was part of their job to be dicks.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So saying they cared for themselves is a stretch?[/b]

I care about no one. Not even myself.

[b]Dio: You're blue~ [/b]

[b]Daisuke: *"How Could this Happen to Me" starts playing*[/b]

No one has ever been there for me and as I said, they have no reason to be.

[b]Daisuke: No one except Maxy and Jim. Poor Kenny.[/b]

[b]Dio: Well, I'll just be on my way then.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: WHAT DID I SAY?[/b]

[b]Dio: Rgh.[/b]

Things work differently here than everywhere else. It’s like something out of an old Western flick, but worse.

[b]Dio: There's no John Wayne.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Old Western films are epic, why you hatin, Kenny?[/b]

Nothing but miles and miles of desolate desert wasteland, full of nothing but emptiness.

[b]Dio: So...Fallout?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: This guy is a natural-born poet, readers. You will see his work on bookshelves. If the bandits of this place don't rip his idea first.[/b]

They call it the Cross-Roads because it’s that point between life and death.

[b]Dio: Please don't tell me he's suicidal.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He is, Maxy's about to pass away. He doesn't know how to console himself.[/b]

Here, not only is your existence irrelevant, people pretend you don’t exist.

[b]Dio: The lines at McDonalds must be HELL.[/b]
[b]"Hey, I'd like a quarter pounder and a small Coke. ...hey! HEY! Anyone there? I WANT MY FRIGGING BURGER!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Those guys suck. Then again, it's better than being robbed and murdered.[/b]

The kind of people here, castoffs, criminals, you name it, we’ve seen it.

[b]Dio: The Island of Misfit Folks~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Of course, so many castoffs find this place by chance.[/b]

Someone considered “decent” here would be seen to the rest of the world as ruthless and brutal.

[b]Dio: And if that person's decent by their standards?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He'd be a nerd. And this is where our protagonsit falls under.[/b]

I didn’t ask for this life. I was never given the option.

[b]Dio: But now you can, on WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONARE![/b]

[b]Daisuke: If I'm not mistaken, the protagonist, up until this point, has been telling us he doesn't mind this life. Now he's saying he DOES mind it? What's that, Kenny? O-OH, I'm sorry to hear Maxy passed on...[/b]

I can just barely remember that thought, deep in my head, the memory of a young boy with the dream to become the best duelist in the world.

[b]Dio: Wait, this is about YU-GI-Oh? *checks the forum* Huh. Suppose so.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It could be worse. Remember that Pokemon fic?[/b]

[b][color=blue]I don't[/color][/b]

That boy, and that dream, are now gone, and have been replaced by a cold, hardened shell of who I once was.

[b]Dio: Soooooooooooooy un perdedor~I'm a loser baby~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And just like that, it's not about Yu-Gi-Oh anymore.[/b]

When they brought me here, I was seven years old. I was terrified, tears in my eyes as I asked my parents repeatedly, “why”? Why did they have to go?

[b]Daisuke: I have no idea. I would love less exposition about the nice criminals and more about the plot. And Yu-Gi-Oh, if it's not too much to ask.[/b]

[b]Dio: They're leeeeeeeeavin on a jet pla-yeah, this story just begs for random music.[/b]

And they told me it was only for a short time, a week or so.

[b]Dio: "It's a week in dog years, son."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Those liars.[/b]

"But that's-"
"Whoops, look at the time, gotta go!"
They said they were going on vacation and I’d be safe here until they came back. Twelve years later, I’m still alone.

[b]Daisuke: Lolsafe. Worst parents ever.[/b]

[b]Dio: They went vacationing on 3 Mile Island.[/b]

It’s a cruel system. As a child, life here makes an Orphanage

[b]Dio: PROOFREAD[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Hey, that's my job! Anyway, yeah, Orphanage is not Capitalized.[/b]

seem like an amusement park.

[b]Dio: Really, people, caps aren't needed.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Might want to explain it better in case there are any genius readers out there who will mistake that for "Don't ever capitalize." There's a time and place to capitalize. Unless Orphanage is the name of an evil organization or something, then it shouldn't be capitalized.[/b]

Once you turn seven, you move into a “Training House”. That’s what they call it.

[b]Dio: Oh, really? I thought it was just named that.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, who sends them there? There are no laws, and no one cares.[/b]

In reality, it’s a group of kids, either born here or in a situation similar to my own, forced to live and obey the commands of a brutal “Duel Guard”.

[b]Dio: "HEIL PEGASUS!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh, so there are laws NOW.[/b]

You’re given a Deck of Duel Monsters cards, and sent out into the city.

[b]Dio: Dear God, they'll never survive![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Naww, all they need is a deck, it's definitely much more useful than a weapon, or food, or anything like that.[/b]

You spend your entire day dueling, but the duels here aren’t like you’d think they are.

[b]Dio: Strip dueling?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So they don't involve the Shadow Realm and the fate of the world?[/b]

Here, every game’s an Ante Duel, and the loser must offer up a card to the winner.

[b]Dio: THAT'S what ante means? I thought it was not dueling at all. ...oh, ANTE. Not ANTI.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh come on, even Yorui could come up with a better joke.[/b]

[b][color=blue]I once saw these pajam-[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: No. NO! I AM SICK OF YOUR PAJAMAS. SHUT UP ABOUT PAJAMAS. I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM, AND I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY OF YOUR OTHER FETISHES. JUST GO AWAY, YOU PLAGUE OF THE UNIVERSE![/b]

[b][color=blue]Lingerie[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yes, linge- WHAT?![/b]

It didn’t matter if you were seven years old, or sixteen years old. You had to bring your Duel Guard at least one card a day.

[b]Dio: That doesn't sound so ba-[/b]

If you didn’t, you didn’t eat.

[b]Dio: ...this is a CARD GAME, PEOPLE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?![/b]


[b]Daisuke: Ah, remember the days when if you didn't win duels your mind would be sent to the Shadow Realm for an eternity? Good times, good times.[/b]

Often times, we’d go for days without a single bite of food.

[b]Dio: The new Atkins diet is STRICT.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: These kids are stupid. They could just beat each other to all get food, like an organized plan. Or must they ante only the cards that are not in their deck?[/b]

It’s awful, the starvation.

[b]Daisuke: I would never guess.[/b]

But it’s just one of the many things that make the Cross-Roads the most brutal, horrific place on Earth.

[b]Dio: When you wish upon a star~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh yes, no, no, there are no worst places, where children have nothing to eat, and no chance to eat, even if they win a million duels. But no, see, these kids can't even buy cards. That's how much their life sucks. You think the Cross-Roads is bad? Go on a travel spree like your bad parents, why don't you? It'll teach you something about the world.[/b]

There are robberies, beatings, fights all the time. It’s these things that have turned me into the person I am today.

[b]Dio: Well, that, and TV.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: You mean into a depressive sociopath that has imaginary friends?[/b]

I show no one compassion, yet I don’t start fights, either. I’m not the same as all the others.

[b]Dio: I just gotta be me~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Then how the hell does your explanation for why you became this way make any sense, if no one else turned out that way?![/b]

At first, I played their games, but my lack of purpose took away my will to fight. Yet for some reason, that one day changed everything…

[b]Dio: As it always does in stories.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Yay, story time~[/color][/b]

It was twelve years ago, almost to this day.

[b]Daisuke: "It's BEEN twelve years ago, almost to this day, ever since the beginning of time."[/b]

It’s strange, despite all I’ve endured, that I can still remember it clearly.

[b]Dio: It was a dark and stormy night...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: How does emotional pain equal memory loss again?[/b]

It had been nearly a month since my parents had abandoned me here, and I’d started to realize, despite the small glimmer of hope I held on to, that they weren’t coming back.

[b]Dio: Well, with that attitude...[/b]

[b]Daisuke: You only figured out after a month? A normal kid would think their parents were never coming back after a few HOURS.[/b]

Gunner, our house’s Duel Guard, had ordered us out, with the always painful reminder that if we didn’t come back with a card, there’d be nothing to eat.

[b]Daisuke: He doesn't care to remember the faces of the children, so he repeats the same thing every day in case there are new recruits.[/b]

I don’t recall the exact day, but it had been six days since I’d eaten anything.

[b]Daisuke: That would be six days ago.[/b]

[b]Dio: "I told people it was for my religion."[/b]

The lack of victory wasn’t something we could blame solely on ourselves. They supplied us with a Deck, but it was full of measly cards the rest of the city didn’t want, and so we got stuck with them.

[b]Dio: Don't blame the cards. Blame the player.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: If everyone else also has a crappy deck, and you still can't beat them, that means you just suck as a duelist.[/b]

That was the catch. More often than not, we didn’t eat, and if we did get lucky enough to win, what we got to eat was hardly worth the effort.

[b]Dio: Didn't we establish this?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Kenny is saying this particular line to his new imaginary best friend since Maxy died, Steve.[/b]

I was in immense pain.

[b]Dio: So am I. We all gotta live with it.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: With great hunger...comes great pain.[/b]

I didn’t have tons of dueling experience,

[b]Daisuke: Even though you're forced to duel every day?[/b]

and I’d only won a few games; enough to keep me alive, but barely. I’d already a duel that day, and my hope was starting to dwindle.

[b]Daisuke: I thought your hope was already gone?[/b]

Part of me wanted to just collapse to the ground and give up on it all, but the other part of me refused to give up.

[b]Dio: Do we need to start a montage?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: "I'll never give up, believe it!"[/b]

I was searching for something, searching for a purpose.

[b]Dio: And my wallet.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So NOW he believes in purposes.[/b]

I walked through the sandy, dusty city streets,

[b]Daisuke: As opposed to sandy and spotless streets.[/b]

with the intense heat from the sun

[b]Daisuke: No, the intense heat from the moon.[/b]

making it even more difficult to keep fighting.

[b]Dio: Oh, please. You've never been in Texas.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Why not duel in the shade?[/b]

An immense headache had made it hard for me to walk,

[b]Daisuke: Or that could just be the lack of any sort of nutrition for almost a week...nah.[/b]

and just when I was about to fall, I bumped into a man.

[b]Daisuke: How timely.[/b]

[b]Dio: Are there no girls in this thing?[/b]

It took me all of a second to realize what happened, and I scurried backwards as quickly as possible.

[b]Dio: RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Not so hard to walk now, huh?[/b]

Fear and frustration over took me

[b]Daisuke: Why did frustration [s]overtake[/s] over take you? What, you're frustrated he got in your way as you were about to fall down?[/b]

as the man turned around, his grey tattered beard and soul-less green eyes staring me right in the face.

[b]Dio: ...SNAKE?![/b]

He was brimming with anger,

[b]Daisuke: Good, now unleash your frustration on him![/b]

and it was just then I realized that I’d interrupted him in the process of beating down a younger duelist for money and cards.

[b]Dio: "No, no, the cards are to sell for MONEY! I couldn't care less about-oh, hey, kid."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: That's some priority list.[/b]
[b]3. Bullying younger duelists.[/b]
[b]2. Glaring at children[/b]
[b]1. Money and TRADING CARDS![/b]

The kid had time to run away, leaving me all alone.

[b]Daisuke: That bastard...[/b]

I continued to back up in fear,

[b]Daisuke: Thank you for clarifying, I thought for sure he was backing up in happiness and joy.[/b]

wanting to run away, hope that I could just wake up

[b]Daisuke: Well a while ago I was hope I could get out of this story.[/b]

and this would be a dream, and I’d be back home in my bed with my parents just down the hallway.

[b]Dio: Is this the real life~Is this just fantasy~[/b]

“You little b****!” He screamed,

[b]Daisuke: "I'm so sorry, sir." "SORRY NOTHIN, YOU INTERRUPTED MY BULLYING OF YOUNGER DUELISTS."[/b]

but not with normal anger.

[b]Daisuke: Definitely not with normal anger.[/b]

He was furious.

[b]Dio: I HAVE FURYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY![/b]

I had no idea what to do. I could run, but that wouldn’t have made a difference. I was too fatigued. Besides, it was pointless.

[b]Dio: Aw, hey, now...DON'T STOP! BELIEVI-this is turning into a damn musical.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I don't know what you're talkin abou-[/b]

I was going to die anyway.

[b]Daisuke: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?~ I MADE MY MISTAKES!~ GOT NOWHERE TO RUN!~[/b]

I hardly had the strength to stand, never mind duel.

[b]Daisuke: Dueling takes so much strength and physical preparation.[/b]

The hope of earning a card and being able to eat had diminished. I wasn’t even hoping for survival anymore.

[b]Dio: I was hoping for an END TO THE DAMN STORY[/b]

[b]Daisuke: At this point, the protagonist is emo, and his only two imaginary friends, Steve and Jim, are nowhere to be found. He's not even hoping for survival anymore. So WHY is he afraid?[/b]

I dropped to my knees, tears streaming from my face and into the dirt, causing small blotches of mud to form around me.

[b]Daisuke: His tears fell all around his body.[/b]

Who cared? I didn’t matter. If I’d died right there, no one woulda cared.

[b]Dio: Nothing really matters~...yeah, I've given up my sanity. IS MUSICAL TIEM.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: "Woulda" isn't something usualy used outside of dialogue, if used at all. And WHY is our protagonist so depressive? It's like you WANT people who read this story to suicide.[/b]

That’s why it puzzled me when I stood up. As if through forces beyond my control, I gathered the confidence to issue a challenge, an Ante Duel challenge.

[b]Dio: "Well, if you don't wanna duel, I'll just be on my-OH, Ante."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He gathered the confidence, but what about the strength needed for dueling?[/b]

The one thing you can’t do at the Cross-Roads is refuse an Ante Duel. It’s sort of an unwritten law.

[b]Daisuke: The only law (except for the laws the protagonist refuses to recognize the existence of) is an unwritten one. That's related to duel monsters.[/b]

To refuse one would mean you were a coward, and here, only the strong survive…if they’re lucky.

[b]Dio: What happens in the Cross-Roads STAYS in the Cross-Roads.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I can understand luck, but can someone please tell me why in the HELL does placing cards on a disk involve 'strength'!? What, is the duel disk REJECTING his cards?![/b]

Parts of this memory have faded.

[b]Dio: ...OH GOD NO IT'S HIM![/b]

[b][color=green]I'm James.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: NO, SHUT UP, NO.[/b]

[b][color=green]The mayor.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: God, dammit.[/b]

I don’t remember how the duel began, but I remember the conclusion.

[b][color=green]I was shot in the kneecap.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: WE KNOW![/b]

I was beyond exhaustion, on the verge of passing out. As I struggled to keep myself from falling, I remember the man’s words.

[b][color=green]He said something about the Boss.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: Where the hell's my chainsaw?[/b]

[b][color=green]A bog standard would be better.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: F*CK YOU![/b]

“You are nothing! None of you are! That is the point you fail to grasp!”

[b]Dio: I think we found our next guest star![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Sorry, I was in a short concussion from slamming my head against the wall due to the amnesiac mayor's break-in into our review studio. And I must say, this new character, I like.[/b]

He spoke through crazed eyes, eyes that had seen it all, and would never be able to forget it.

[b]Dio: My eyes?[/b]

“You all fight, you all believe you have a purpose, but you don’t! That is why you are here, and the sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be! So just lay down and die already!”
[b]Dio: "But before you do, buy my patented grape-flavored cyanide pills!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I'm guessing this was the plot point that made the protagonist unable to believe in the possibility of a purpose.[/b]

I wanted to ignore it. I continued to tell myself that he was wrong, that I did have a purpose.

[b]Daisuke: When in the beginning you were having an internal monologue about why puposes didn't exist.[/b]

My parents would come back and I’d be able to go to Duel Academy, and become a Professional Duelist.

[b]Dio: Gee, why not GET A JOB? LEARN THINGS OTHER THAN F*CKING CARD GAMES?![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Why must Duel Academy/Duel Academy rip-offs be brought up in/a part of almost every Yu-Gi-Oh fic?[/b]

But any time I started to believe, reality kicked me in the face and sent me back to my knees, forced to accept my failure.

[b]Dio: I WANNA KICK YOU IN THE FACE, YOU DEPRESSING LITTLE TWIT![/b]

He had 2700 Life Points. I’d managed to get in an attack with my Giant Soldier of Stone, which had since been destroyed. I had 300.

[b]Dio: TONIGHT, WE DO NOT DINE-WE DUEL IN HELL![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Dude, Giant Soldier of Stone is one of the BEST monsters out there! Right alongside Beaver Warrior![/b]

As an older duelist, not only did he have more experience, he had better cards.

[b]Daisuke: "Remember kids, the older you are, the better your cards will become" "Why, daddy?" "Because shut the hell up"[/b]

I’d fall to my knees in pain, only to will myself back up and play another monster, which he would just destroy.

[b]Dio: So...you get beat down...and get back up again?...LET'S BEYBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE! *rocks out*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: You just stated you got back up and were knocked back down because of...reality kicking you in the face? So does that mean this man you're facing is Reality? That is so f*cking sweet.[/b]

“I don’t understand! Why don’t you just quit? Why won’t you stay down, accept defeat, accept that you can’t change your life now!

[b]Dio: "Unless you call 1-800-LIFE NOW!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: "You can't change it now, but you can change it any other time, okay!"[/b]

[b][color=blue]Why did Mr. Reality use an exclamation mark instead of a question mark?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Because he's Reality, he can do anything.[/b]

You’re just like the rest of us! You too, have a breaking point! Now attack!”

[b]Dio: Ok. *gets out a tommy gun*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Screw commas, they get in the way. NOW ATTACK![/b]

His creature attacked, firing a bright blue blast right at me. I don’t remember the monster, but I remember shaking with fear, knowing he was right and knowing I was helpless.

[b]Dio: IT IS A CARD GAME YOU-oh, to hell with it.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I'VE GIVEN UUUUP, I'M SICK OF FEELING!~[/b]

“N...no!” I hadn’t eaten in days, I couldn’t even stand up straight.

[b]Daisuke: This was established...several times.[/b]

But my body wouldn’t let me stay down. Something, something was willing me to go on. Just when I wanted to quit, something in my head caused me to stand back up and endure another turn in which I’d suffer even more.

[b]Dio: GO GO GO GO GO[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yay, he gets to suffer more![/b]

“You can do nothing to stop it! You will lose, and soon you will die!

[b]Daisuke: "BEHOLD! THE SHADOW REALM!"[/b]

You are not invincible,

[b]You don't have to be to not die after losing 4000 Life Points and getting attacked by holograms.[/b]

it doesn’t matter if you’re a child or someone like me! It’s about survival, and you’re simply not strong enough to survive! It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down and get back up, because when all is said and done, you will have accomplished nothing!”

[b]Dio: A duel Darwinist?[/b]

“You’re wrong!” Even at my young age, I could tell that he’d been through everything there was to go through.

[b]Dio: INCLUDING The Last Airbender?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Man, this kid is really something. Just from dueling this guy he can like peer into his life story.[/b]

He was essentially crazy,

[b]Dio: ESSENTIALLY?![/b]

[b][color=blue]You take that back! Reality-san is NOT essentially crazy![/color][/b]

but that’s what a place like this will do, you either die or you take whatever measures you have to in order to survive.

[b]Dio: And believe me I am STILL ALIVE~[/b]

Which is exactly what I’d decided to do. I don’t know how I did it, or why I bothered, but it’s the one thing that kept me from becoming just like the rest.

[b]Dio: There's hope for you yet, boy.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: *Fight soundtrack starts playing*[/b]

“It doesn’t matter how many times I fall down and get back up, because I’m going to keep doing it, I’m going to keep doing it until I’ve won the duel!

[b]Dio: TRY YOUR BEST TO WIN THEM ALL AND ONE DAY TIME WILL TELL![/b]

[b]Daisuke: This kid is the new Naruto, now. Went from emo to speeches about [s]becoming Hokage[/s] never giving up.[/b]

I may not have a purpose, but I can’t quit! You can beat me down all you want, but it doesn’t matter! Just like my monsters, even though you’ve destroyed me, I’m going to keep fighting!”

[b]Dio: WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE LEFT STANDING THERE-[/b]

[b]Daisuke: "I'M GOING TO BECOME THE DUEL MONSTERS CHAMPION SOMEDAY, BELIEVE IT!"[/b]

And I played it. “I activate the Trap Card, Blasting the Ruins!”

[b]Dio: YOU'VE REACHED THE FINAL BELL![/b]

[b]Daisuke: WITH THE POWER OF PROTAGONIST HAX![/b]

“Nothing can--! What is that?!”

[b]Daisuke: It's.....HYARGH! INDIGNATION![/b]

He silenced and stared at me, eyes full of fear and confusion.

[b]Dio: YOU'RE THE BEST[/b]

“Everything in my Deck has been destroyed! You tore my Deck apart and this time I waited for just the right moment!

[b]Dio: AROUND![/b]

Since there’s over 30 cards in my Graveyard, my Blasting the Ruins Trap can activate, causing you to take 3000 points of damage!”

[b]Dio: NOTHIN'S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Over 30 cards in his Graveyard? Jeez, does the opponent mill that much? Actually, I can't tell, the only two cards that I remember were Giant Soldier of Stone and Blasting the Ruins.[/b]

The blue blast, coming at me full force, was whisked back by a strong wind, as pieces of rubble began to emerge from the ground below me, floating up towards the sky. The attack disappeared, and the rubble crashed down upon the man, bringing his Life Points to 0.

[b]Daisuke: That's what Blasting the Ruins looks like? A bunch of rubble floating up and crashing down on someone? [s]Azaroth, Metrion, Zinthos![/s][/b]

[b]Dio: GONNA FLY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!~[/b]

I had won. And it was that victory that told me that while there was essentially no hope, I could never truly stop hoping.

[b]Daisuke: Your words are wise, young Padawan.[/b]

[b]Dio: TRYING HARD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW![/b]

The man fell to the ground, as did his Deck.

[b]No, it remained floating in the air even as its wielder fell down.[/b]

But that wasn’t all. Cards fell out of both pockets of his jacket. Tons of them, cards he had stolen.

[b]Dio: Oooor cards he had bought, but you can't really tell.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, he could have bought all those with his own hard-earned money! Kenny, you're just jealous you're not Reality.[/b]

As he pulled himself to his feet, he looked at me, and walked away, leaving all of his cards scattered around the outline of his body in the dirt.

[b]Dio: How organized do they have to be for this?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I'm guessing this would save the police the work of outlining bodies when people die.[/b]

I didn’t know anything, except that I refused to end up like him. I took his Deck and traded it for money,

[b]Daisuke: You're on the right path.[/b]

[b]Dio: Yet you're a thief like him.[/b]

then left the Training House. I was better off trying to make it on my own than dueling for some loser and hardly any food.

[b]Dio: And you didn't do this before why, you little thief?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Because Kenny is an idiot. He thinks a kid can survive by himself with only a deck. I'd rather stay and duel for food, no matter how much it was. Especially when he considers that now he apparently can duel well [s]since Atem has awakened within him.[/s][/b]

I took the other cards and used some to build my Deck, keeping the rest. I’d have to use them later.

[b]Daisuke: "To sell in the Black Market"[/b]
[b]I am liking this protagonist less and less and the story progresses.[/b]

[b]Dio: "Is that a bunch of cards in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"[/b]

At this point, I’ve managed to acquire a Deck that can win games rather easily. Often times, people refuse to challenge me.

[b]Daisuke: Just make it Ante.[/b]

That day was the first of many duels I’d go on to win, to this day setting a reputation for myself as a duelist you want to avoid.

[b]Daisuke: Not the best of reputations to have when dueling is the only thing you know how to do to live.[/b]

No one bothers me, and I don’t bother them. It’s simple, but it works.

[b]Dio: All you needed was a little hope. THAT'S THE MORAL KIDS![/b]

[b]Daisuke: "With hope, you can steal cards and get away with it"[/b]

“Look what we got here!” I perked up as the bar door slammed open, and two goons barged in, holding a young guy, about seventeen years old, by the back of his shirt.

[b]Dio: The second moral is to always be where the action is, like bars.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Well we know he's seventeen, now. But can we get clothes...? hair...? eyes...? Please?[/b]

He wasn’t from here.

[b]Daisuke: "I knew EVERYONE from here."[/b]

I could tell they’d roughed him up from the blood on his forehead.

[b]Daisuke: "Assuming he hadn't fallen and hit his head earlier today, and these big guys actually were trying to help him, because then my amazing theory dies."[/b]

His bright blonde hair, polo shirt, and khaki pants caused him to stand out, and not in a good way.

[b]Daisuke: "He's got blond hair and a polo shirt! GET HIM!"[/b]

Outsiders aren’t really accepted,

[b]Daisuke: We've been over this.[/b]

and if they do come, they certainly don’t want to be noticed.

[b]Dio: ...he doesn't have blue eyes, does he?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: WHY do you even GET outsiders when this place isn't even on any MAP?![/b]

“Looks like someone didn’t get the memo,” the barkeep

[b][color=blue]What's a barkeep?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: It's a word people use when they are too lazy to look up that the actual word is "barkeeper"; as in, someone who KEEPS a BAR.[/b]

snarled.

[b][color=green]I have a secret.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: NO ONE CARES![/b]

[b][color=green]I am in my offi-[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: THE WORLD. TIME HAS STOPPED. *lifts a steamroller and puts it over James's head* AND TIME CONTINUES.[/b]

[b][color=green]-ce and- *SMASH*[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: Moving along. You'd think the chapter would end after that uplifting moment earlier, but noooo...[/b]

My eyes shifted from the blonde kid to the barkeep. He stood behind the counter with an irritating grin on his face. I’d never really noticed him before, but with his pudgy exterior, scruffy, unshaven beard, and white shirt covered in stains, he really set the stereotype for this entire place.

[b]Dio: OH MY GOD. IT'S BLACKBEARD FROM ONE PIECE! RUN, YOU IDIOTS, RUN![/b]

There were a few of us who stood out, but honestly if it weren’t for the fact that they were somewhat skinnier, I wouldnt’ve been able to tell the barkeep from his cronies.

[b]Dio: Maybe they all have personality quirks.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I am assuming the [s]barkeeper[/s] barkeep and protagonist are the only ones who really have any distinguishing features, the rest are just people with Default faces and who all are exactly alike except for weight.[/b]

“Yeah, poor guy,” the goon on the left replied.

[b][color=green]He was a mammoth of a man.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: WHY WON'T YOU DIE! *knife toss*[/b]

[b][color=green]When he saw that-*KNIFED*[/color][/b]

One of ‘em had spiked brown hair, and his outfit literally matched that of the barkeep, while the other had a black mohawk.

[b]Dio: And was naked, I suppose.[/b]

Your typical tough guys, except not really.

[b]Daisuke: "Yeah, they're really generic, except they're not generic." [/b]

People sat in silence, the few of us in the bar, as they threw the kid to the floor. “Let’s show him why outsiders ain’t welcome here!”

[b]Dio: Well, least they have a REASON to pick on someone, aside from their boobs.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I'm just waiting for them to give us the blond dude's name so I can make a "Ri-Ri" reference.[/b]

“I…I just need directions! I didn’t mean to…” the kid tried to speak, helpless and probably in fear for his life,

[b]Daisuke: I was assuming he was 'probably' in fear of having left the stove on.[/b]

only for the guy with the mohawk to shut him up with a hard kick to the gut, while he was already on the ground.

[b]Dio: "DIRECTIONS ARE FOR PUSSIES!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Well, the guy wants to leave...and we don't like outsiders here...SO LET'S GO BULLY HIM INSTEAD OF ALLOWING HIM TO LEAVE![/b]

“Shut up, or it’ll be worse than it’s already going to be!”

[b]Dio: "WHICH IS FAIRLY BAD!"[/b]

“Leave him alone.” I was almost surprised myself as I stood up, pushing my chair back into the wall in the process.

[b]Daisuke: I think it's obvious to the reader by now Kenny has gotten so attached to Steve, that he doesn't know when he moves anymore, because the part of his mind that is Steve controls his body for him.[/b]

The entire bar looked up at me, including the barkeep, who seemed taken aback at my response.

[b]Dio: JUST LEAVE HIM ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE![/b]

“What’d you just say?!” The anger in his eyes didn’t phase me. When you’ve got nothing to lose, you’ve got no fear at the same time.

[b]Daisuke: Which explains why during your duel with Reality you were crying, even though you had nothing to lose.[/b]

[b]Dio: "I said to leave him alone."[/b]

[b]"Oh, ok, just making sure I heard you right."[/b]

I don’t think the feeling was friendship, or respect, or courage, or anything like that. At that moment, the glimmer of hope began to resurface, and while I lacked compassion, something inside of me knew this was what I had to do. It was completely crazy, but no one ever said I was normal, anyway.

[b]Dio: Don't try telling us you're eccentric now.[/b]

“You stay outta this, or we’ll kill you too!”

“Your empty threats mean nothing to me,” and I meant it, too, as I activated my duel disk, causing the room to illuminate in a burst of light.

[b]Dio: "OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD I'M BLIND!"[/b]

[b]"Sorry."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Duel disks: Creating bring flashes of light in rooms since 2003.[/b]

“I’m sick of this place, and I’m sick of people like you. I was a kid like him once, albeit younger, and damn it I’m tired of seeing s*** like this! Now if the two of you are so tough, what do you say to a duel?”

[b]Dio: Censors. Fantastic.[/b]

That got the bar crowd riled up. “A duel? With us?,” the one on the right asked, in a mocking tone.

[b]Dio: No, a duel with Winston Churchill OF COURSE WITH YOU.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I want them to actually all duel him at once. But of course it won't happen, and after he owns their boss, the other henchmen will run away.[/b]

“I’m glad you can comprehend a basic question.” He growled in response to the sarcasm. “The two of you face me in an Ante Duel. I win, you let the kid go.”

[b]Dio: "Oh, so you want us to put a card up for grabs if you win?"[/b]
[b]"Finally, someone gets it!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: By the way, speech is supposed to be in a separate sentence than action. Since the two speeches are connected to the thug growling, stupid people will assume the thug is crazy and talking to himself.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Why is the bad guy talking to himself?[/color][/b]

“And if we win?” He paused. “If we win, you give us your entire Deck and all the money you’ve got on you!”

[b]Dio: I would've just gone for the money, but ok.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: "Yeah, I don't care if you've got no money, at least I'll get your trading cards!"[/b]

“You’re on.” I grinned at the one with the spiked hair, and he did the same.

[b]Dio: ONE with spiked hair? In an anime fanfic?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Grin staredown![/b]

“Heheh! I don’t know who you are,

[b]Daisuke: I thought he had a reputation?[/b]

but you should’ve just left well enough alone, kid.” The two goons stared at me, full of intensity.

[b]Dio: ANIMOSITY![/b]

“Well, you show me what’s well enough, and I’ll consider it! Game on!”

[b]Dio: JADEN?![/b]

To be continued…

[b]Dio: ...it's over? YES![/b]

[b]Daisuke: *yawns* Finally.[/b]


[b]Dio: Now, for my two cents. While this is a well written story, especially in comparison to the others we've read, it's a downright depressing one to read. Sure, you got your hope spots at the end and it has him going from thinking things're pointless to there being a little purpose in his life, but as mentioned, HE STILL FEELS NO COMPASSION. This is probably expanded upon later on, but as an entry to the fic, you just wanna stop reading so you don't end up cutting yourself by the last word. I'm not saying make it happy, BUT MAKE IT LESS FRIGGING EMO![/b]

[b]Daisuke: And I agree. I like the story, but the protagonist is too depressive in the beginning for me to care about him. When your readers do not care about your protagonist, that is pretty bad. He had potential to be a well-liked character, but the fact he always questions existence, and he always sounds like he could care less if he died, makes me not care for his past, or existence. Some things are a bit...odd, like Reality suddenly getting pissed at the kid for BUMPING INTO him, then challenging him to a duel and spouting crap like no one being anything out of the blue. I expect that to be explained. Finally...the amount of 'tell' over 'show' in this story is enough to make me weep at night. For several years. Don't bog down the story with things like "happy" "sad" "furious" "not normal anger" and crap, and try showing us things that HINT at what emotion they're feeling.[/b]

[b]Dio: Also, expect to see Crazy Nihilistic Man in our riffvews. As soon as I take care of one more problem.[/b]

[b][color=green]Would you be a dear and call an ambulance?[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: No. *FALCON PUNCH!* Maybe this'll knock the amnesia out of you! ...or you into a billion pieces. Either or.[/b]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 5: Five-Man Band]
[b]Alright, this is me, Hayate Ayasaki, also known as Daisuke, and this time, not only will Dio be accompanying us, but a new host as well, Enzax. I’m writing this after the review, so no witty lines. This fic is written by Pichu (yay) and is called [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/240038-pokemon-mystery-dungeon-distorted-days/"]Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Distorted Days[/url] and blah blah blah, enjoy.[/b]
[b]Dio: INSERT WITTY BANTER HERE[/b]




Dylan, nick named Dyl, was normal ten year old boy.

[b]Daisuke: He was normal [s]ten-year[/s] ten year old boy who didn’t have grasp of English language[/b]

[b]Dio: Is the narration some kind of Call of Duty Russian bad guy or something? PROOFREAD.[/b]

[b]Enzax: inb4pasttenseswitchtopresenttense[/b]

He is in the 5th grade and lives a good life.

[b]Dio: And now we're in the present. Fantastic.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Knew it.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Ooh, goody, he’s [s]a[/s] normal ten year old who lives a good life. This seems to be the most promising and riveting tale I have ever read in ages.[/b]

But one night his parents got into a fight.

[b]Dio: "DAMMIT, WE ALREADY WENT THROUGH THIS! WHY CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE HIM IN A DIRTY, RUN-DOWN HELLHOLE LIKE WE DID WITH KEN?!"[/b]

[b]Enzax: WHY SO SERIOUS?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: His parents had a fight. In a stroke of genius, Pichu has decided against showing us said fight, which any supposedly good writer would do, and instead decided to tell us that there was a fight and leave it at that. I love this story. It is flawless in every way.[/b]

His older brother called the police after blood was drawn.

[b]Dio: Along with some ponies, and a nice sun with a happy face.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Relax, it was just drawn in crayon.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Only after blood was drawn did the thought occur to the brother that it might be smart to call the police. He is obviously not as magnificently intelligent as Pichu.[/b]

The two had to spend the night in their neighbor's house.

[b]Dio: Or, maybe, you know, A PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, BECAUSE OF ALL THIS BULL THEY'VE BEEN PUT THROUGH?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Because being next door is so much safer than the police station.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Pichu is, in all his magnificence, making a critique upon the foundations of society. In normal society, the police would take them in as witnesses, and then call a relative to pick them up. In Pichu’s story, he has decided that this is corrupt and vile, for some odd reason my plebeian mind cannot comprehend, and has instead decided that neighbors taking in the kids would be much safer.[/b]

It was storming. Terrible lightning

[b]Dio: VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME[/b]

[b]Enzax: As opposed to calm, friendly lightning?[/b]


and golf ball sized hail. Dyl drifted to sleep as lightning struck the house.

[b]Enzax: Because everyone can sleep when they get zapped.[/b]

[b]Dio: And then he BURNED.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: This is an amazing sentence. You see, Pichu has implied that Dyl worships the Thunder God, and thus can only sleep when lightning is present. Even if it set his house on fire.[/b]

His dreams were blank and he wouldn't wake up.

[b]Enzax: So he died?[/b]

[b]Dio: So no more of this story-aw, hell, there's chapters to this.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: His dreams were blank. This is marvelous, because it displays the emptiness Dyl feels inside from his parents being gone and the Thunder God having turned against him and setting his house on fire.[/b]

Then something appeared in the blank dream. It looked like a doorway.

[b]Dio: TWILIGHT ZONE WOOOOOOOO[/b]

[b]Enzax: The door to Kingdom Hearts?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It only looked like one. Here Pichu is implying that Dyl only saw a doorway because the doorway is supposed to stand for one’s own portrayal of moving on from where they are. This suggests Dyl is now moving on from his parents and the Thunder God, and going to find his own path in life.[/b]

It came closer, and closer.

[b]Dio: "*WHAP* Too close."[/b]

[b]Enzax: I’m pretty sure your moving towards it, not the other way around.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Don‘t be hatin on the doorway on wheels. Pichu put his heart and soul into that line, he wishes to express to us in simple form how our dreams can move closer if they're mounted on wheels.[/b]

He went through the doorway and his dream went black.

[b]Dio: I thought they were blank.[/b]

[b]Enzax: I didn’t know it was possible to see the color black.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And it isn’t. But Pichu has so masterfully worded this intricate sentence to show that something like feeling pain, which is black, is better than feeling nothing, which is blank.[/b]

He soon woke up.

[b]Dio: "His dreams were blank and he wouldn't wake up." <- LIES[/b]

[b]Enzax: Nope, you said he wouldn’t wake up so he is dreaming he woke up.[/b]

He was in a tree in a weird town.

[b]Dio: Or a weird tree in a town. Whichever.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Imagination on the loose, call the pound.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Most readers will not catch it but this is a shout-out to all nature-lovers. Pichu wants them to know that even if it‘s a town, or a city, even if there‘s still one single tree, it can be used to have blank/black dreams in.[/b]

There was a couple shops but he couldn't see the workers.

[b]Dio: Of course not. They're on strike.[/b]

[b]Enzax: I’m pretty sure the word ‘were’ should replace ‘was’.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Aww, how sweet, this must be a love town, since there are a bunch of Couple Shops, for everything young couples need to make relationships happier and healthier.[/b]

He sat up and fell down.

[b]Dio: And got back up again. ...LET'S BEYBLAAAAAAAAAADE![/b]

[b]Enzax: WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN, YET MY FEET DON’T TOUCH THE GROUND~[/b]

He hit the ground and drew blood.

[b]Dio: "OW WITH THE HURTING AND THE PAIN AND OH GOD MY SPLEEN"[/b]

[b]Enzax: He still has that red crayon?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Man, that is some pretty hard ground. He fell from sitting, and he’s bleeding.[/b]

He looked up and a Mudkip was standing before him.

[b]Dio: "so i herd u liek me."[/b]

[b]Enzax: Yo Mudkip, I’m gonna let you go first and all but I gotta say Pikachu is the best Pokémon ever.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: IT’S OVER! Not 9000, it’s just over. How saddening, this was truly a masterpiece.[/b]

[b][color=blue]No, there’s still chapter one.[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: There is? HOORAY.[/b]


CHAPTER 1

[b]Daisuke: THIS LOOKS PROMISING[/b]

It was a sunny Monday afternoon.

[b]Dio: Isn't that a paradox? Mondays suck.[/b]

[b]Enzax: With a 20% chance of falling characters.[/b]

There was noise coming from a Riolu's Head shaped building.

[b]Dio: "RIOLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" <- sound like that?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Random building is random.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I want to live in a Riolu [s]head[/s] Head too TT_TT[/b]

The door on the building slammed opened and a Lucario walked out carrying a Mudkip.

[b]Daisuke: With his newly-grown opposable thumbs[/b]

He drop kicked the Mudkip and yelled:

[b]Dio: "I DON'T 'LEIK' YOU, YOU DUMBASS!"[/b]

[b]Enzax: Is it possible to drop kick something your carrying?[/b]
[b]Survey says: No.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: This Lucario is skilled in the ways of the Jedi, I see.[/b]

"GET THE HELL OUTTA MY BAR AND NEVER COME BACK!"

[b]Dio: Pokemon...bar. MY CHILDHOOD. SHATTERED.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Pokemon + Bar = Ruined Childhood.[/b]

"Fine! And I'll take my money with me!"

[b]Dio: ...as opposed to what? Leaving it there and not paying?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Hey, I was going to make that joke. Instead, I think I’ll just criticize the fact this Mudkip is the worst debater ever. What, he can’t come up with a proper insult?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Where does he store the money?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I don’t think we want to know.[/b]

Lucario walked back inside his bar and slammed the door behind him.

[b]Dio: Oh, how I wish it would end here.[/b]

[b]Enzax: He doesn’t have pockets after all…[/b]

[b]Daisuke: If the door broke he’d have no one to yell “You’re payin’ for that” at.[/b]

Mudkip got up and shook his head.

[b]Daisuke: Might have been more mighty of you to stand up before saying “Fine! And I’ll take my money with me!”[/b]

He stared at the bar and walked away into a forest.

[b]Dio: Just a forest. Not the forest of doom, or the forest of death. Just a forest.[/b]

[b]Enzax: because that is what wandering drunks do.[/b]

"Stupid Lucario! All I did was tell him that his drink was tasteless! God!"

[b]Enzax: Just like this story.[/b]

[b]Dio: You mean "ARCEUS!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh yes, drinks are definitely tasteless all the time, it’s not just a matter of tasting bad. And that’s definitely a reason to yell at a customer, pick them up, and throw them out of the bar.[/b]

He stopped as a Pokemon fell out of a tree.

[b]Dio: What is it with people falling out of trees in this town?[/b]

[b]Enzax: The Weatherman was right.[/b]

"A Pokemon!"

[b]Dio: As opposed to a DIGIMON?[/b]

[b]Enzax: I was expecting a NetNavi.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He does sound awfully surprised there would be a Pokemon in a world full of Pokemon.[/b]

"A Mudkip!?"

[b]Dio: "CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!"[/b]

[b]Enzax: Houston, we have a problem.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Why so surprised? I mean, I could understand if it was a legendary or something, but...[/b]

"Yes. And you're a Pichu."

[b]Dio: SHOW. DON'T TELL. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO EMPHASIZE THIS?!"[/b]

[b]Enzax: As opposed to another puny yellow rodent?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’m actually going to say that, while this could be seen a mile away, I am not opposed to the Mudkip telling him he’s a Pichu. Why? Because it’s better than the narrator telling us “And the kid had turned into a Pichu”.[/b]

[b]Which I honestly expected.[/b]

The Pichu looked down at his self.

[b]Daisuke: He looked down into the deepest parts of his soul, at his very self.[/b]

He was indeed a Pichu and had a bleeding foot.

[b]Dio: No, no. He's not a Pichu. He is an author insert.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Oh look the author was coloring himself with red crayon.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Why does everyone have crayons?[/b]

"What!" H-How is this possible?

[b]Dio: "YOU CANNOT DEFEAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"[/b]

[b]Enzax: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME~[/b]

[b]Daisuke: *insert anime gasp here*[/b]

A Sableye walked by the two and and saw the Pichu's foot.

[b]Dio: It then devoured it whole.[/b]

[b]Enzax: A Sableye in a forest? Lrn2pokemon please.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: That’s like finding a Pidgey in a cave. It just doesn’t happen.[/b]

He took them to Snivy's Care.

[b]Enzax: Where the author had a fatal heart attack.[/b]

[b]Dio: They were immediately turned away, because Snivy is a prick.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, what? Are we suppose to assume Snivy is the doctor? I mean, it would be fine if you showed them going to Snivy’s place, and having a conversation that led us to believing he was, but this is just lazy.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Weren’t you liking this earlier, though?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: This is too bad to pretend it’s good.[/b]

The Pichu's foot was treated by Dr. Snivy.

[b]Daisuke: Oh so now he’s DOCTOR Snivy. And we know he healed him, you said in the last sentence they took Pichu to Snivy’s CARE.[/b]

Mudkip was in the room with them.

[b]Daisuke: That sentence is about as pointless as the second sentence in “The kid went to the park. The kid was at the park.” Mudkip BROUGHT PICHU TO THE CLINIC. WHY WOULD HE NOT BE THERE?[/b]

[b]Dio: He did jack.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Jack did not like this.[/b]

"Be more careful next time! Ok?"

[b]Dio: "Or I'll break that foot myself."[/b]

[b]Enzax: Otherwise your foot is going up your-[/b]

[b][nC] D0n’t s@y !t.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Fine.[/b]

"Ok Doctor..."

[b]Dio: "...smug son of a-"[/b]

[b]"WHAT WAS THAT?"[/b]

[b]"NOTHING!"[/b]

[b]Enzax: He’s The Doctor?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: He’s an okay Doctor. Not a very good one, just okay.[/b]

Dr. Snivy walked out of the room as Mudkip turned to Pichu.

[b]Daisuke: That dude can walk out of a room in less time than it takes for Mudkip to turn to Pichu. That is godly.[/b]

[b]Dio: Why did the doctor walk out of his own office? Is he locking them inside the hospital?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Obviously The Doctor must travel back in time to prevent this story from being written.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I wish him luck.[/b]

"So who are you?"

[b]Dio: "I'M BATMAN."[/b]

[b]Enzax: “I’m THE PHANTOM RENEGADE!”[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “I’m the guy who’s tired of reading this so-called ‘story’.”[/b]

[b]Also, wouldn’t this be a better question to make when he saw the Pichu?[/b]

"I'm Dylan. But call me Dyl. And I'm not really a Pokemon. I'm a human!"

[b]Daisuke: INCONCEIVABLE[/b]

[b]Dio: Wait...Dyl...turned into a Pokemon...rhymes with-BILL! [/b]

[b]Enzax: /originalcharacterrippingofffirstgencharacter[/b]

"Yeah right! Human! HAHA!"

[b]Dio: I shall now be calling the Mudkip "Nelson."[/b]

[b]Enzax: I prefer the name ‘Leroy’[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I prefer the name WHYWILLTHISFANFICNOTEND?[/b]

Dyl gave Mudkip a Death Stare.

[b]Dio: "OH GOD N-*dead*"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Why must it Be Capitalized?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Sadly Pichu can’t learn that move until level 15.[/b]

"Wait, you were serious!?"

[b]Dio: No, he was Snape. *ba dum tish*[/b]

[b]Enzax: Nope it was a joke, just like this story.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yes, all Pichus walk around saying they’re human these days.[/b]

Dyl nodded.

[b]Dio: INSERT PICTURE HERE[/b]

[b]Enzax: That was so important that Chuck Norris stopped to read it.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: It’s The Nod. You have to respect The Nod.[/b]

"I don't know how it happened! I fell asleep and woke up in a tree. Then I fell and saw you, Mudkip!"

[b]Dio: I think we've established that Nelson's a Mudkip, as opposed to a Primeape.[/b]

[b]Enzax: I’m pretty sure Leroy isn’t a Mankey my good sir.[/b]

"Yay! My new friend is a human!"

[b]Daisuke: No, he’s a Pichu.[/b]

[b]Dio: If I were Nelson, my reaction would be to send this kid to the Pokemon Funny Farm.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Any sane person would’ve mugged this loon by now.[/b]

Dyl cocked his head to the side.

[b]Dio: "Whatchu lookin' at, punk?"[/b]

[b]Enzax: “Rough him up boys.”[/b]

[b]Daisuke: On a kudos to the author, he showed instead of told. But since that’s not funny I’ll just say that sentence is boring as hell. Hahah, laugh at how mean I am.[/b]

"You don't want to be my friend, do you?"

[b]Dio: "EVERYONE LIEKS ME "[/b]

[b]Enzax: It’s not you, it’s me. Actually it is you.[/b]

"I'll be your friend. Since I might be stuck here for awhile...."

[b]Dio: So might we. Unless I can find a way out...hm...[/b]

[b]Enzax: Dio, Stay. I’m not staying here alone with Daisuke.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Hey, I heard that. Anyway, that’s so random. “K, since I’m gonna be stuck here anyway I GUESS I’ll be your friend…”[/b]

Mudkip check Dyl out and they went walking.

[b]Daisuke: What is this ’he checked Dyl out’? What, is he sexually attracted to Dyl?[/b]

Mudkip brought Dyl to a small house. Inside there was a TV, couch, chair, bookshelf, stove, fridge, and two beds.

[b]Enzax: All useless without a pair of thumbs.[/b]

[b]Dio: ...HOW DOES MUDKIP CHANGE THE CHANNELS?![/b]

[b]Daisuke: He calls his friend Aipom to do it for him. Which explains why Aipom moved away.[/b]

"This is my house! Since there's an extra bed, you can stay here!"

[b]Dio: And did he just expect a random human-turned-Pokemon would show up?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Convenient bed is convenient.[/b]

"R-Really! Thanks!"

[b]Dio: "Just don't look under it."[/b]

[b]"Why not?"[/b]

[b]"Er...no reason."[/b]

[b]Enzax: Don’t mind the red crayon, the last guest was a bit rough.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I swear, these Pokemon and drawing blood…they’ll grow up to be in a gang, I tell you.[/b]

[b][color=teal]Squirtle Squirtle[/color] [/b]

Dyl hugged Mudkip and spin around the room.

[b]Daisuke: HE HUGGED MUDKIP AND SPIN AROUND[/b]

[b]Dio: GOTTA GET BACK IN TIME~ Really, what is with the tense changes?[/b]

[b]Enzax: LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN~[/b]

Mudkip stopped them and looked at Dyl.

[b]Daisuke: And it was love at first sight.[/b]

[b]Dio: *plays sappy romantic music*[/b]

[b]Enzax: NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND HURT YOU~[/b]

"Wanta make a Rescue Team? To help the troubled Pokemon!"

[b]Enzax: To protect the world from devastation-[/b]

[b]Dio: Well that was...an odd thing to ask the guy you just met.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: What an odd thing to ask in general. It’s like talking about pizza one moment, then saving the world the next.[/b]

"I guess if it's to help Pokemon."

[b]Enzax: To Unite all peoples within our nation-[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “No, it’s for the money.”[/b]

[b]Dio: WE ALREADY KNOW IT'S TO HELP-screw it. Times like this I wish I was-[/b]

[b][color=green]James.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: -WHATHOWWHY-nevermind.[/b]

[b]Enzax: To denounce the evils of truth and love-[/b]

"Yeah! And I have the perfect name for our team! Team Dreamers!"

[b]Dio: "The name's bullsh-"[/b]
[b]"PERFECT NAME."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: IT IS BRIMMING WITH PERFECTION.[/b]

[b]Enzax: To extend our reach to the stars above-[/b]

"Yeah! I like it!"

[b]Dio: I don't. But who cares what I think.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Jesse, James-[/b]

"Team Dreamers go!"

[b]Enzax: Killed it.[/b]

[b]Dio: YOU MIGHTY MORPHIN-whoops, wrong place.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: These two are awfully in synch, considering they just met.[/b]

They stuck their hands in the air and yelled Team Dreamers.

[b]Dio: Two things. 1. Quotation marks needed. 2. Nelson obviously fell backwards after doing so. HE'S NOT A MARSHTOP.[/b]

[b]Enzax: All without the expected Fanfare, shocking.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Yeah, we’re totally NOT flat characters!”[/b]

Today was the day that Dyl's adventure back to the real world started.... and it won't end soon.

[b]Dio: Oh god, why.[/b]

[b]Enzax: I’d rather it ended very soon.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: At least the chapter will end soon.[/b]

A small Ambipom walked into a purple portal. He skipped down a small road in the portal to a dead end.

[b]Dio: Purple port-HE'S A PART OF ORGANIZATION XIII![/b]

[b]Enzax: QUICK GET MY KEYBLADE![/b]

[b]Daisuke: QUICK. LET US USE THAT PURPLE PORTAL TO BE ANYWHERE BUT HERE.[/b]

"M-Master~?"

[b]Dio: ...you sick bastard.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Sick fetish is sick.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Don’t make me have to bring Yorui into this.[/b]

A huge dark figure appeared.

[b]Daisuke: A dark figure of darkness, and evil.[/b]

[b]Dio: So much detail.[/b]

[b]Enzax: This guy is totally not generic.[/b]

[b]Dio: I shall call him...Bruce.[/b]


?

"Yes my loyal Ambipom."

[b]Enzax: Shouldn’t there be a question mark there?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And a comma between ‘yes’, and ‘my’, but this is horrible as is. Let’s not sweat the details.[/b]

"I found the Pokemon!

[b]Daisuke: “Which one? There’s over 600, you know?”[/b]

It's a Pichu! A wimpy little Pichu!"

[b]Dio: WIMPY WIMPY WIMPY![/b]

[b]Enzax: As opposed to the contradictory strong Pichu?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: How does he know it’s wimpy? Has he faced the Pichu in mortal combat?[/b]

?
"So the thing that entered the Pokemon World is a Pichu...

[b]Daisuke: No it’s a Raichu.[/b]

[b]Dio: STOP. REPEATING. THE SAME. BULL.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Such a Generic name for a world.[/b]

Thank you, Ambipom."
The dark figure disappeared and Ambipom walked away with a smile.

[b]Dio: ...the end? YES! Much shorter than the story which shall not be named.[/b]

[b]Enzax: I can finally stop drinking this liquid Asprin? [/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh god. At least it was mercifully short. *starts to walk away*[/b]

[b][color=blue]Don’t you have to give an ending report?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: I do? No. No. I will not. I WILL NOT. *runs away*[/b]

[b][color=blue]Um…alright, then I, Yorui, and my Digimon, Squirtle, say hi Squirtle,[/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]…Squirt- Squirtle?[/color][/b]

[b][color=blue]Shall give the ending report! All in all, this fic lacked depth, I mean really, what kind of baka aims to make their characters so 2-dimensional? You have to give them more unique traits, and things that set them apart! Also, don’t forget, description is important, describe your setting, even if just a little bit! And finally, don’t make dark figures, because this doesn’t look as cool in writing as it does in movies and stuff! *victory pose* [/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]Squirtle, Squirt! *victory pose mimic*[/color] [/b]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 6: The Sinister Six]
[b]Well, here we are with Fan-fixtion Riffview number 6, if my brain cells haven’t rotten enough to count. This time we’re reviewing a short story Fusion X. Denver wrote while he was in 5th grade. It’s called “Go’s Journey”. Hopefully the journey will not be too horrible to read.[/b]

[b]Afternote: It was.[/b]


Go’s Journey Part 1: The Tournament

[b]Dio: Oh, a tournament story! How original.[/b]

[b]Enzax: This is probably somehow related to DBZ…[/b]

Hello, I’m a warrior from Earth.

[b]Dio: Hi, A Warior from Earth![/b]

[b]Daisuke: 1st person narrative speaking to the reader? What is this? A little children’s story? What’s next? Is the character going to tell us his probably very cliché name in a small sentence?[/b]

My name is Go.

[b]Dio: Where's the Mach 5, Go?[/b]

[b]Daisuke:…Why am I always right about these things?[/b]

My real name is Yusgi Torioda.

[b]Dio: Now to stick this in google translate...it came out as "Random Japanese Bullsh*t."[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wait, so his name’s Go. And his REAL name’s Yusgi Torioda. I’m betting we’ll next see his FOR SERIOUS real name.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Now why couldn’t we just get your name rather than three different variations? Sounds like an identity crisis.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I know, right? I think I’ll just call him Togo the Warrior from Earth from now on. Or just Togo, for short.[/b]

I’m a secret agent that knows martial arts.

[b]Dio: As opposed to, say, Chuck?[/b]

[b]Enzax: 95% of secret agents know martial arts. Most militaries teach it ya know.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: True, Togo really wouldn’t be a very good secret agent if he didn’t know at least basic martial arts.[/b]

My agent name is Agent Go.

[b]Daisuke: The enemy will never suspect young Togo could be Agent Go. It’s ingenious, really.[/b]

[b]Dio: Go? Go...MACH GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~[/b]

My agency “Underworld” is top secret.

[b]Dio: Not anymore.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Considering “Underworld” is the land of the dead, and most people misinterpret it as evil, I’m going to assume Togo is an agent for an evil organization that wishes to destroy the United States of America from within using the government.[/b]

I can even go to the places of dead and outer space.

[b]Dio: Unfortunately, I ended up in both.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Why not tell us what your organization does before saying this?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Because going to space it totally revolutionary.[/b]

[b][color=blue]What’s a secret agent doing in the places of the dead and outer space?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: I don’t know, Yorui…I just don’t know…[/b]

My rival is Stop;

[b]Daisuke: And his REAL name’s Nabuhiko Tatsuki. And his agent name is Agent Stop.[/b]

an agent for “Upperworld.

[b]Dio: I assume the lone quotation mark is part of the name?[/b]

He is a red head and is 12 years old. Our agencies are mortal rivals.

[b]Dio: Those damn gingers.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: This is an amazing tactic of telling us only the basis of things we need to know, like what their hair color is, and purposely attempting to deprive us of being shown anything.[/b]

I’m also 12 years old and a blondie.

[b]Dio: DESCRIPTION! What a shocker![/b]

[b]Enzax: At least we know how old these stick figures with hair are.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Wrong, stick figures with hair AND with the unneeded ability to go to outer space.[/b]

My archenemy is Mymother. She’s part of an alien nation and is trying to kill me.

[b]Dio: DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS AT ALL HERE?![/b]

[b]Enzax: Obviously you’ve never met Hismother or Hermother as they are much better…mothers.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: The name creativity is mind-blowing. I now expect the archenemy’s REAL name to be Myexwife.[/b]

I’m heading towards a tournament with martial artists and weirdos competing in it. Only 8 will get in.

[b]Dio: Because the lines are so long that's how many people will make it to the front.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So apparently Togo acquired information on every single fighter and thus knows they fight primarily using martial arts and are eccentric/odd in nature.[/b]

They will compete to own the title of the greatest fighter in the universe.

[b]Daisuke: Martial arts has apparently become the most feared weapon in the universe.[/b]

The winner’s reward will be an all you can eat buffet and 62 cents.

[b]Dio: Heaven for Goku, I'd say.[/b]

[b]Enzax: /DBZ[/b]

[b]Daisuke: 62 cents? First off, it should be sixty-two cents, but I’m going to let that fly. Simply because apparently the GREATEST fighters will be fighting each other in this thing, and they will be giving it their all…for a buffet and sixty-two cents.[/b]

Ah I’m there.

[b]Dio: INSERT PUNCTUATION HERE[/b]

I’m finally on Mars (this is where the tournament will take place, I got here on one of Underworld’s rockets).

[b]Dio: You're a Rocket Man~[/b]

[b]Enzax: Should’ve mentioned the location when you introduced the tournament.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’d rather make fun of the fact he used parentheses while narrating. Silly Togo, you don’t have to do that.[/b]

That’s a big building.

[b]Dio: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?[/b]

[b]Enzax: lrn2speak before talking please. Use Quotation marks.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I’m going to let that fly because [s]I’ve seen worse[/s] [s]the building is big[/s] he still seems to be narrating.[/b]

It has a sign that says, “Universal known martial arts tournament of the galaxy.”

[b]Daisuke: UNIVERSAL KNOWN[/b]

[b]Dio: "Dumbasses need not apply-oh, god damn it!"[/b]

[b]Enzax: Sorry Dio, guess you can’t apply.[/b]

It’s a brick building with a white roof made out of tiles.

[b]Dio: What were you expecting? A plastic building?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I was expecting it to be made of something found or Mars, not Earth…at least something more advanced like concrete? It IS the Universal Known martial arts tournament of the galaxy.[/b]

To tell you the truth we don’t fight inside, but behind the building.

[b]Dio: WHAT A TWIST[/b]

[b]Enzax: Because everyone fights in brick buildings these days.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: To tell you the truth, I’m sick of Togo knowing everything. He’s like an omniscient narrator that’s the PROTAGONIST of the story.[/b]

Later on I enlisted in the preliminaries where all the fighters fight until eight victors are left and fight in the tournament.

[b]Dio: Really? I though the preliminaries were-GET ME OUT OF HERE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, GET ME OUT![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Bear with it, it’s more than halfway over. Also, Togo, damn it, you already told us only eight people make it through. Don‘t start losing your memory now.[/b]

[b][color=green]James Crawford. The mayor.[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: NO[/b]

[b][color=green]Would you like a cigar?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: I WOULD NOT LIKE A CIGAR. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM OUR STUDIO.[/b]

Since I fought so many fights I can’t tell you how I won (yes I won, yay me!)

[b]Dio: Hahaha, what a funny story, Go.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Those ‘()’ portions only make this hurt more…[/b]

[b]Daisuke: As if it wasn’t painful enough. I mean, really? We couldn’t even see a GLIMPSE of the preliminaries to see how above the other candidates he is, or even how he FIGHTS? I TOLD you, this story is DETERMINED to show us as little as secret-agently possible.[/b]

Well, now the eight competitors are decided. I actually know a few of them.

[b]Daisuke: HOW CONVENIENT.[/b]

The competitors are I, my rival Stop,

[b]Daisuke: Oh, of course.[/b]

a guy named Puddingman (?) who is a human in a cup-shaped costume labeled chocolate pudding, a guy named Man Lion (he is a human wearing lion skins),

[b]Daisuke: Please. I beg you. Stop using parentheses for narrations. And don’t waste a parentheses on a “?”. You should have pondered what the f*ck was up with his name BEFORE this moment if you knew him. And it would be nice to at least see a sentence like “He wore lion skins over his shoulders.” Though even then it would probably be accompanied by your horrible sense of humor, so never mind, you secret agent who works under a not-so-secret agency.[/b]

a female maniac named Motherman, and-huh? Mymother? She’s here?

[b]Daisuke: Motherman, motherman, screwing up stories like only she can!~ …That’s it, I’m becoming insane. Yorui, finish this for me.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Alright, let’s do this, Squirtle![/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]Squirt, Squirtle![/color][/b]

[b]Dio: Forget Mymother, where the hell's Pandaman!? And also, thank you for all those wonderful descriptions. It's not like we could tell...well, except with Motherman. What the hell's with her?[/b]

Crud. Well I’ll worry later. The other two guys are Captain Blorbalot

[b][color=blue]I like that name! I think I’ll name my Squirtle Captain Blorbalot![/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]…Squirtle, Squirt? ;_;[/color][/b]

and Computer Boy. Besides Stop and Mymother I know Computer Boy and Captain Blorbalot. Computer Boy is an amateur human who has a psychic link to the Internet and searches for techniques and weaknesses.

[b]Dio: A psychic link to the internet? Dear god, hope he stays off of 4chan.[/b]

[b]Enzax: I have concluded that 4chan came to be after reading this horrible story.[/b]

Captain Blorbalot is a white blob (I’m not sure what he’s made out of and I don’t want to know)

[b][color=blue]That was funny! Don’t you think so squirtle?[/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]*shakes head*[/color][/b]

[b][color=blue]I knew you’d agree, Squirtle![/color][/b]

that has legs and arms, plus he wears a blue cape but has a huge weakness-water.

[b]Dio: He can't be a blob if he has legs and arms. Unless you're talking X-Men Blob. In which case...ew.[/b]

[b][color=blue]That’s your cue Squirtle! His weakness is water! Use Dark Pulse![/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]…Squirtle, Squirt?[/color][/b]

[b][color=blue]What’s wrong? That’s a water attack, isn’t it?[/color][/b]

Anyway the matches have been set. The matches are: 1. Puddingman vs. Man Lion, Stop vs. me,

[b]Daisuke: I have to give this story props for not making this the cliché “hero and rival in the final round”. Then again, we’ll probably have “Hero and Hismother” in the last round anyway.[/b]

Motherman vs. Captain Blorbalot, and Mymother vs. Computer Boy. The rules are if you are out of the ring, unconscious, you are giving up, or you kill your opponent you lose. The first match will now begin.

[b]Dio: Alright, the meat of the story. Let's see what-[/b]

Whoops, I tripped!

[b]Dio: -things our protagonist can screw up within seconds. Wonderful.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Major telling is causing my head to burst at the seams.[/b]

I hit my head.

[b]Daisuke: Alright, guys, I’m back, after hitting my OWN head several times to keep sanity, an-[/b]

When I woke up the first match was over with Puddingman taking the victory.

[b]Daisuke: …..WHY, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD WRITING, IS THE WRITER SO DETERMINED TO NOT SHOW US ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTING?[/b]

Now it’s me vs. Stop. The gong rang and the match started.

[b]Dio: Oh, this oughta be good.[/b]

Ow!
Stop threw a punch! I’ll throw a knee-kick. Wham! He countered with a head-butt. Argh! Why can’t I hit him? This guy’s intense. He’s winning.

[b]Daisuke: This small part of the story just went ahead and crushed to dust everything I thought I knew about bad fan fiction. It literally went against everything I was taught was GOOD writing. It’s like the writer, at this point, hated his story so bad, he wanted to make Togo suffer in it more, by making it worse. And thus he took out any possibilities of having such troublesome things as showing us the attacks connecting, or showing the attacks in motion at all, and replacing a reaction to the attack by a crude narrator sound effect like “Blam”[/b]

But I have an idea. “Here I come!” yelled Stop.

[b]Dio: Stop=Fox McCloud?[/b]

[b]Enzax: I can’t let you do that Star Fail.[/b]

I got ready and…I threw three punches, four head-bonks, and two kicks in rapid succession. He countered every hit!

[b]Dio: It wasn't very effective![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Once again, the writer gives his best attempt at not showing us- actually, forget it. I’m done raging about that. It won’t change the fact this story makes me regret ever having learned to read.[/b]

I’m so mad I-huh? Pow! He slammed me to the ground. I was in a daze. Huh? I won?

[b]Dio: Wait, what?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: …so not only did we not get to see any fights, as apparently Togo is blind, but the rival fight amounts to just that? A bunch of sound effects and small inner lines? Please tell me I‘m wrong.[/b]

Wow, Stop actually tripped on the edge of the ring and fell off!

[b]Dio: No. No. No. You do not have fight scenes like that. This-even for a fifth-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh.[/b]

[b]Enzax: This must have been an action comedy that failed to make it out of the bottom drawer of a hobo’s closet bookcase. Owait.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: I now take back everything I said I thought I knew about bad action and stuff. It’s like the writer TRIED to make this as boring and horrible as possible. And even that’s not enough to describe my pain.[/b]

In the semi-finals I’m facing Puddingman.
Now it’s Motherman vs. Captain Blorbalot. Gong! “Blobby power!” Captain Blorbalot said.

[b]Daisuke: Actual dialogue? Well, it’s an improvement, even if it’s the worst attack name ever.[/b]

Captain Blorbalot took a blob of his skin off and threw it at Motherman. Mothan smacked it aside and threw a bucket of water and threw it at him.

[b]Daisuke: HE THREW THE BUCKET OF WATER AND THREW IT AT HIM[/b]

[b]Dio: So, she threw the bucket then threw the water?[/b]

[b]Enzax: Because water can now be held like it’s solid while not frozen.[/b]

Captain Blorbalot passed out and Motherman took the victory.

[b]Daisuke: I’d complain about a short fight, but this fight actually had some actual action, so I will thank it.[/b]

Now the last match is Mymother vs. Computer Boy. Gong! “Hoo hah!” yelled Mymother.

[b]Dio: Mymother=Bruce Lee? WACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHA![/b]

“Wait!” cried Computer Boy.
Pow! Mymother threw a bad punch. “Stop!” yelled Computer Boy. Wham! Mymother threw another punch.

[b]Dio: And this is why having a psychic link to the internet is worth absolutely, positively BULLCRAP.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, there’s probably an opportunity for good characterization and back-story as to why he was competing in the tournament, despite having such a crappy power. But alas, there can be none, because the prize is only a buffet and less than a dollar.[/b]

Mymother is the victor because Computer Boy lost consciousness. Computer Boy’s strategy failed. When he searched the Internet there weren’t any documents on Mymother because she’s an alien.

[b]Dio: Oh come on, I'm pretty sure Cracked has a "Top Ten Ways to Kill An Alien" list somewhere.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: At this point, I’m not sure whether this is a great story that does satire perfectly…or if it just sucks. Probably the latter.[/b]

Well, now I’m facing Puddingman. I don’t know how he got this far.
Suddenly Puddingman said, “Yogurt whirlwind!” Yuck! He threw yogurt at me in whirlwind form using psychic levitation. Awesome. But man, he’s gross.

[b]Dio: It would only be gross if it was GENUINE yogurt. He's just got Danimals.[/b]

[b]Enzax: I’d like to know WTF you were smoking when you thought of this guy?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: …This guy amazes you, yet MYMOTHER, COMPUTER BOY, and CAPTAIN BLORBALOT don’t? >_>[/b]

“Pudding Party!” yelled Puddingman. Bleh, an explosion of pudding! “Pudding punch!” cried Puddingman. Ow, that was just a regular punch (he actually smeared pudding on his fist). Uh oh!

[b]Dio: I'm liking this pudding guy more and more as the story goes on.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: For beating up Togo? Same here.[/b]

Phew. I almost fell out of bounds. Alright. “Elemental Tribeam!” I shouted. Water, fire, and ice came out. This move is an energy beam that contains random elements and shoots them out.

[b]Dio: I pray there will never come a day when they combine Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart. Wait, Heart isn't an element. YES![/b]

[b]Enzax: Dio you play to much Artix Entertainment, everyone knows Bacon is the one true Element.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yeah….capability to shoot out Earth… I‘m terrified…[/b]

Ko!

[b]Daisuke: K.O., NOT KO YOU IDIOTIC MORON OF A PROTAGONIST[/b]

I won. Now it’s Motherman vs Mymother. Motherman cried, “Timeout blast!” Mymother dodged.
Motherman just threw an energy bomb, which is made out of energy from the body. Same thing with the Elemental Tribeam. Underworld taught me to harness energy from my body into a useful weapon.

[b]Daisuke: I should probably take this chance to, since I’m not wincing in pain and agony at the moment, critique the fact this energy seems normally placed, but it’s actually really weird. Like, a secret agent who has superpowers? Then again, this makes less sense than Bobobo.[/b]

Mymother cried, “Doom’s Discipline!”

[b]Dio: "No, you shouldn't have taken the last cookie from the jar! I know who told you to do this...and I, VICTOR VON DOOM, SWEAR TO ELIMINATE THAT MAN! GOD DAMN YOU REED RICHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDS!"[/b]

Motherman caught Mymother’s kick and sent her spinning to the ground.
Motherman then threw a kick and got a critical hit.

[b]Daisuke: Super effective![/b]

It seems like Mymother’s going to lose.

[b]Enzax: How in the world can you tell what a critical hit feels like? All kicks hurt the same.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Not true, but that makes me think a blinking “Critical Hit” sign appeared on top of Mymother.[/b]

[b]Dio: Good, Mymother’s going to lose, then there'll be no reason to continue this story any long-[/b]

Crack! Huh? Whoa, Mymother took the victory because when Motherman threw the kick she broke her back (she’s starting to get old).

[b]Dio: ...Excuse me. *goes to the wall, pulls his head back...WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh! Wow! Yeah! Whap! Pow! Mymotherf*ckingmother won! She broke the back of Motherman! (I use parentheses cause I don’t know how2narrator!)[/b]

I have 10 minutes until the final match between Mymother and me. I feel very nervous, but I’ll prevail, I know it.

[b]Daisuke: Because you have the rival-slaying power of “Pow!”. Then again, watch out, she has the elder-slaying power of “Crack!”.[/b]

10 minutes passed as I pondered a strategy to beat Mymother. The match begins now. Gong!

[b]Dio: Please let it end in a fiery death.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Hopefully our protagonist’s fiery death.[/b]

Here I go! “Destructo Bomb!” I cried.

[b]Daisuke: Destructo Bomb? What’s next? Special Blast Cannon?[/b]

This move is my ultimate energy attack but I don’t use it often because it drains your living energy quickly but I want to finish this before I get killed.

[b]Daisuke: That was a run-on sentence. Which, in this story, is actually a blessing of a mistake, as I am convinced now there are far worse ways to make a story suck.[/b]

No! She dodged it!

[b]Dio: YAY, NOW YOU DIE![/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Oh no! She dodged it when I didn’t even throw it yet!”[/b]

[b]Enzax: Because everyone knows that you use your best move first. It’s like eating the pie before you throw it at someone.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Now, now, Creator, we want this to end quickly don‘t we? GO MYMOTHER, GO.[/b]

Uh oh! Mymother shouted, “Punishment Punch!” Ugh! She threw a punch to my jaw. Ow!
Oh no, I’m on the edge of the ring. I’m going to lose.

[b]Dio: PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Yay, Togo‘s going to lose![/b]

Then Mymother shouted, “Caring Kick!” Wait, that’s it! In the nick of time I grabbed her leg and smashed her on the ground outside the ring. I won!

[b]Dio: Dammit.[/b]

[b]Enzax: ‘Caring’? I thought she was trying to kill you.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: As sad as I am about the fact Togo won, at least the fight is over. But here I find what seems to be a gem. See, it seems here as though Mymother had a last-second change of heart, and used an attack that was predictable to let Togo beat her. It’s a powerful piece of characterization, and could lead off to many great sequels of this thrilling story. Or the writer couldn’t be arsed to think up a better name. Whichever one.[/b]

But it wasn’t much of a match, but there was suspense.

[b]Daisuke: BUT I THOUGHT THIS STORY WAS OVER, BUT YOU CONTINUED IT.[/b]

Suddenly I heard someone say, “ You may have won the battle but you didn’t win the war, Sharing Smash!”

[b]Daisuke: “Share with Mydaughter!” “But Mymoooom!”[/b]

Suddenly I felt two fists clamped together pound on my head. Everything blacked out. Later I woke up to find myself on Mymother’s planet.

[b]Dio: "I call it...Mymother's planet. Original, huh?"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Maybe it’s called Mycountry? Or maybe it actually has a really creative name, full of thought. Yeah, I can‘t say that without laughing.[/b]

I think I’m being sacrificed to her nation.

[b]Daisuke: You THINK? It’s not the sort of thing you can think about without it being a “yes” or “no”.[/b]

But it’s weird; her entire nation looks like humans, just not the same clothing.

[b]Dio: ...you can tell they're different by their clothing? Why not, you know, by the fact that they're ALIENS?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: So different clothes = aliens? Huh…poor Middle East.[/b]

But they seem to live like amphibians do, and they seem to eat the same things they do too.

[b]Daisuke: They seem to eat the same thing they do too? Am I the only one missing something here?[/b]

[b][color=blue]Hey, how did he see all this unless a lot of time passed?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: Because unless I really AM missing something, no time passed since his awaking.[/b]

Maybe they’re amphibians with human appearances and structures. Well I’ll solve that mystery later.

[b]Dio: Not if I have anything to say about it. *cocks shotgun*[/b]

[b]Daisuke: We don’t need a “Go’s Journey Part 2”. Especially because that title is wrong, since his name is Togo.[/b]

Oh great! The executioner’s coming with the axe that will kill me and send me to Heaven. What do I do?

[b]Daisuke: Apparently this is an interactive story now. So, reader, what will you choose for Togo to do?[/b]

[b]Dio: Die, preferably.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Sing the pirate’s anthem.[/b]

Wait, I got it! Since my arms and legs are tied to a cross you’d think I was hopeless right?
Wrong! “Elemental Beam!” Only ice came out. Everyone’s frozen. Since the ropes tied to me also got frozen I easily broke free. What happened was I shot the beam out of my mouth.

[b]Dio: You-a fired your fail-zar![/b]

[b]Enzax: I’MMA FIRIN’ A MEDIOCRE WRITER, BLARRRRRRRGH![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Don‘t compliment him, it’ll encourage him to write stuff like this again.[/b]

[b][color=blue]Mediocre is a compliment?[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: It is for THIS story…[/b]

Even if three random elements come out of my hands I can pick one element and shoot it out of my mouth (this move was also shot out of my mouth).

[b]Dio: ...we just saw this, but ok.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Togo feels the need to tell us everything in a way that makes us see nothing. Even if he has already show us. It is just in case his readers are mentally retarded, and can’t figure it out.[/b]

One problem just struck me, I don’t have any transportation. But maybe I can go to the pet store (hard to believe aliens have them)

[b]Daisuke: How do you tell a Pet Store from a Food Store that sells live food in an alien world?[/b]

and snatch a pet that has the ability to teleport. Maybe they have robots (I discovered robots can be pets in certain alien races).

[b]Daisuke: Did you discover this before or after you woke up tied, about to be sacrificed?[/b]

I’m there; now let’s see what they have.

[b]Dio: "Tell me, Mr. Clerk, what's a fer-ret?"[/b]
[b]"A pet some dumbass is looking at."[/b]
[b]"Oh, ok-waaaaaaaait."[/b]

A weird thing with bubbly, wrinkled skin,

[b]Daisuke: We would have found out Jabba the Hutt there was weird if you have just said “bubbly, wrinkly skin”.[/b]

a monster that appears to be female, and a robot. Hm, it seems to be off. I flicked the switch. Suddenly it turned on and said, “Greetings, I am P6-052496510B. What is your command?”

[b]Dio: GET ME OUT OF THIS STORY![/b]

[b]Enzax: Explain to me how this story can be so much fail.[/b]

What happened was “Plow” (I nicknamed him that) decided to join me on my journeys and teleported me back to Earth.

[b]Dio: ...why Plow?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: What I want to know is why he can walk around with his “normal clothing” and not stand out. Or go into pet shops nonchalantly and buy stuff. And with what money? He doesn‘t even have 62 cents from the prize money.[/b]

So I never got the prize but I got a new partner and Mymother is down for now.

[b]Daisuke: No she’s not, you didn’t do anything to her…[/b]

[b]And you‘re saying you stole a robot from the pet shop of a humble alien who was just trying to make a living? You evil person.[/b]

Huh, uh oh. Crash! A paper airplane flew in…and broke my window.

[b]Dio: A pa-how do-why-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Well know we know he seems to be in a place with a window. That is so fragile a paper airplane can crash through it.[/b]

[b]Enzax: Obviously Mars Paper is heavier than Earth paper. Wait, how do you send paper from Mars to Earth? More importantly, where do you find Mars paper?[/b]

Inside it was 62 cents and a note.

[b]Daisuke: “Sadly, no buffet.”[/b]

It was from the people that hosted the tournament. It was an apology for no prize. Also they replaced the all you can eat buffet with an invitation to Heaven’s House of Fun. Wow, Heaven!

[b]Dio: Why not go there now? I've been meaning to test out my Wolverine claws.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: “Heaven‘s House of Fun!?!?!?!?…..bleh, I’d have preferred the buffet.”[/b]

Cool. “Plow let’s go!”

[b]Daisuke: PLOW LET’S GO SCREW COMMAS.[/b]

Plow replied, “I’m coming. Oh boy, here we go! To be continued in Go’s Journey Part two: Heaven’s House of Mutiny.

[b]Dio: Noooooooo it's not.[/b]

[b]I truly hope Fusion learned how to write, because this is crap. Bad dialogue, horrible action and transitioning-all around, this is just utter trash.[/b]

[b]Enzax: This was just bad, there is no way to fix this. Having read Fusion’s current work though I can say he has improved substantially and will continue to do so. Just NEVER try to remake this story. [/b]

[b]Daisuke: Well, time for my closing message, I suppose. But really, there’s not much to say here. The writer has become eons better than…whatever this is. He knows what’s wrong with this story. I won’t bother to complain about the fight scenes that sounded like a 1st grader playing by himself with his toys, or the description that Pichu could have done better (if he had no opted for pictures instead). Just never try to continue this. And if you do decide to, burn this one, and bury the ashes, then start from scratch. Completely.[/b]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 7: 24/Seven]
[b]Welcome, to another segment of Fan Fix-tion Riffview. Today (and probably tomorrow, reviewing bad fics takes time and grit) we’ll be reviewing Sabotage’s fic, [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/240751-new-moon/"]New Moon[/url]. This is apparently an original story, so hopefully we’ll get some interesting stuff. Then again, there’s a “Plot summary”. From my experience, that’s seldom a good sign. And of course, I will not be reading said plot.[/b]


- I know, the story is called New Moon. But there is no relation to Twilight or anything else.

[b]Daisuke: How misled I was, coming into a story subtitled “original story”, thinking it was going to contain sparkly, vegetarian vampires.[/b]

[b]Dio: There's not even a relation to a new moon?[/b]

- I have the right to stop this story or procrastinate at any time I see fit.

[b]Daisuke: And we have the right to stop reading because the writer is being mean to us.[/b]

[b]Dio: But we won't, because we [s]despise[/s] love you all. [/b]
- I don't name my chapters. Too bad.

[b]Daisuke: The best way to start your story in a good way is to mouth off to the readers in a rude fashion before your story begins.[/b]

[b]Dio: "Oh, my word! The author is being quite unsavory. I believe I will stop reading now."[/b]

-Any mistakes in Grammar or plot that you find you be great to point out.

[b]Daisuke: I found one already.[/b]

Well, I don't see anything else I need to add.

[b]Daisuke: Why not “Characters” after “Plot Summary”, while you’re at it?[/b]

[b]Dio: Or THE END perhaps?[/b]

Date / / / Confirmed. Reading - - - - 2117, A.D.
Location / / / Determined.

[b]Daisuke: Because “Confirmed” is so SO last sentence.[/b]

Grid Coordinates - - - - 134/5592
Current Objective / / / Classified. Shut down initiated.

[b]Daisuke: Can I mention how I thought this was going to be a Halo fic from this?[/b]

[b]Dio: YES, SHUT DOWN, PLEASE, SAVE US THE TROUBLE.[/b]

The horizon began to blow up with a dust storm,

[b]Daisuke: Dust storms: They’re such dangerous explosive weapons they can blow up horizons.[/b]

enveloping anything in its path. PVT. Holt Novara put down his binoculars with a huff.

[b]Daisuke: Those are some pretty heavy binoculars, huh?[/b]

[b]Dio: "Sir, did we really have to get the 50 lb pack?"[/b]

He looked around at the area around him.

[b]Daisuke: As opposed to looking around him at the area in front of him.[/b]

A few men patrolled the walls, looking just about as thrilled as Holt was.

[b]Daisuke: He was thrilled? I got the impression he was sick of whatever he was doing.[/b]

[b]Dio: "OH MAN, I'M SO FREAKING PSYCHED FOR THIS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"[/b]

A large pedestal laid flat on the wall, with a small control panel next to it. The area within the outpost was nothing but dirt and a large, solid bio-dome in the middle. He looked back out at his surroundings. Still, nothing.

[b]Daisuke: He expected there to be something between the span of several seconds he looked away?[/b]

He peered over at his commanding officer. He was looking out at the horizon intently, as if expecting something to peer out from it.

[b]Dio: Peekaboo. I. SEE. YOU![/b]

[b]Daisuke: That’s tantamount to telling us something’s going to peer out from it.[/b]

Holt cleared his throat and looked at him.
“Hey, Sarge. You ever wonder why we’re here?”
The sergeant didn’t avert his gaze from the dirt plain.

[b]Dio: "Well-"[/b]
“Well, it’s one of life’s greatest mysteries. Were we the result of some freak event? Were we constructed by a larger caste of creatures? Is there really a God?” He replied.

[b]Dio: a****** JACKED MY LINE[/b]

Holt blinked twice before responding.
“…What? No, not like that. I mean why are we at this outpost?”

[b]Daisuke: “Well, you’ve obviously been briefed about all the details beforehand, but since you’re such a failure you can’t remember, I’ll tell you again.”[/b]

The officer peered over at him.
“Oh…we are here to defend this outpost from potential threats.

[b]Daisuke: Potential threats? I thought they were here for something specific. But oh well, I guess there’s no pre-battle tension waiting for Holt to fight the Covenant, or the Flood or something.[/b]

[b]Dio: Unless...WE'RE THE THREAT! THIS IS EPIC![/b]

For within the dome is a large deposit of Helium-6, the largest in this area. Command gave us this order personally. If we can harness this H6, he is confident that we will be able to grow into the largest, most powerful faction in this area. With the H6, we will also be able to purchase some…larger…weapons.”

[b]Daisuke: Time to…make my speech dramatic…by using ellipses…in succession.[/b]

[b]Dio: Mr...Spock. Set all phasers...to stun.[/b]

He reverted his gaze to the horizon. Holt stared into the sky, mind full of wonder as to what they will be able to purchase with the resources.

[b]Daisuke: Hate to be nitpicky, but it really should be “would” instead of “will”, since it’s not certain they’ll be able to harness it yet. (as stated by Sergeant Dramatic)[/b]

He imagined a giant tank, rumbling around the plains, with giant missile launchers and enormous cannons.

[b]Daisuke: They can’t even afford tanks with big guns and missile launchers? That’s like the Navy not being able to afford big ships.[/b]

[b]Dio: Or like Michael Bay not being able to afford high explosives.[/b]

He watched his imaginary tank as it rolled over an enemy strike force,

[b]Daisuke: “Instead of shooting at them with said big guns."[/b]

watching them beg for mercy at its incredible power.

[b]Daisuke: I’m pretty sure if a tank rolled over me I’d be screaming in pain if not dead, not screaming for mercy.[/b]

[b]Dio: "PLEASE, MER-SWEET GOD, MY LEG!"[/b]

He shook his fists in the air, mouthing the words “That’s right, beg you mongrels!” He became power hungry over the very thought of anything larger than an ISS-Turret (Industrial Steel Shredder).

[b]Daisuke: So aside from knowing he’s so weak carrying binoculars is an effort for him, and knowing he has short-term memory loss…this is our protagonist, folks.[/b]

[b]Dio: DON'T TALK ABOUT MEMORY-[/b]

[b][color=green]Hello.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU[/b]

Holt continued on with his fantasies, receiving strange glances from nearby soldiers. His daydreaming was soon interrupted, rudely.

[b]Daisuke: You sure it wasn’t interrupted nicely?[/b]

He could hear a light wooshing sound.

[b]Daisuke: Woosh[/b]

[b]Dio: LOOK! UP IN THE SKY![/b]

It was growing, growing, soon becoming the most obvious noise in the area. Other soldiers looked around, puzzled.

[b]Daisuke: But not Holt, oh no. He kept his composure, as he was used to dealing with rapidly-growing woosh sounds.[/b]

[b]Dio: IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S-[/b]

Suddenly, an RPG flew straight into the outpost’s wall. A hunk of the wall came tumbling down, taking a soldier with it.

[b]Dio: -Death. It's Death.[/b]

The unnamed man

[b]Daisuke: “His parents hated him so they gave him no name.”[/b]

grabbed onto the edge of the wall, desperately. Holt snapped himself out of his thoughts and rushed over the soldier’s aid, pulling him up from the edge. Holt lifted his binoculars back up and scanned the horizon. The trooper that he saved looked at him.
“Do you see anyone?”

[b]Daisuke: Yes, let’s not thank the guy that just saved you, and instead demand they give you information.[/b]

Holt focused on a group of movement.
“Ok…I can see one…no, make that two. Three…ten. I see ten. Wait, thirty, forty, APCs, jeeps…”

[b]Daisuke: What.[/b]

[b]I mean, I can see this working in a movie, as maybe “10...no, 20” because it’s an estimate, but to go from one to forty is a pretty large gap. Get contact lenses, Holt.[/b]

[b]Dio: Apparently eyesight problems get you far in the army.[/b]

He yelled to his sergeant.
“I see a whole bloody battalion out there!”

[b]Daisuke: Damn Holt and his blindness.[/b]

“Then grab your weapons, soldiers. We are on the defensive.” The sergeant said with a cold tone.

[b]Daisuke: I can see him using a cold tone towards enemies, but not allies. Maybe a steady tone, but…then again, maybe he dislikes his companions. Wouldn’t be surprised, considering one of them is Holt.[/b]

[b][color=green]He is not the mayor.[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS ASS, THETRUEACEATTORNEY?! WHY?![/b]

The other soldiers in the outpost began to panic.

[b]Daisuke: And now I wholeheartedly believe the sergeant would dislike them. His only back-up consists of a bunch of cowards that call themselves soldiers, and Holt, the nearsighted good-guy-gone-bad waiting to happen.[/b]

They had never fought an enemy force of such size and proportions.

[b]Daisuke: Proportion relates to the size of something, so you could just make it magnitude, which is probably what you were aiming for.[/b]

They scurried around the base, yelling different commands to an imaginary fighting force.

[b]Dio: "COCO, YOU TAKE THE TURRETS! BLOO, WILT, YOU'RE WITH ME!"[/b]

[b]Daisuke: And here’s where I’m lost.[/b]

“Quick! Grab the RPGs! Aim for the treads!”

[b]Daisuke: You can’t aim for a verb.[/b]

[b]Holt:Yes I can! I see it! It’s one…no, two. No, fifty…no, one hundred![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Shut up Holt.[/b]

[b]Dio: Actually, treads ARE part of a tank. I'm sorry that Daisuke was rude to you, Ho-[/b]

[b]Holt: No, one thousand![/b]

[b]Dio: Nevermind, go to hell.[/b]

“Keep yourself steady. They can’t fight to well, can they?”

[b]Daisuke: I’m guessing this is a dialogue between the Sergeant and Holt, since he knows Holt will likely miss, and the others can’t fight well. Or maybe the soldiers not only are cowards, but also are stupid enough to assume their enemies suck.[/b]

“Someone arm the LMG! Take out their infantry!”
“Does anyone else smell that burning? We might have a fire down here!”

[b]Daisuke: If you smell burning, there’s no “might” about a fire being there! It’s there! And it’s causing the burning! Why are you soldiers so stupid?! WHY?![/b]

[b]Dio: Could be the waffles in the toaster.[/b]

[b][color=teal]Squirt![/color][/b]

[b][color=blue]I love pajamas and linge-[/color][/b]

[b]Dio: BEGONE, VILE WITCH OF ASSORTED NIGHTLY GARMENTS!...AND TURTLE![/b]

[b][color=teal]Squirt?[/color][/b]

[b][color=blue]Don't let it get you down, Captain Blorbalot![/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]...squirt ;_;[/color][/b]


Holt’s commanding officer went up to him.
“Look again. Tell me what you see.”

[b]Daisuke: Here his Sergeant has begun to suspect Holt’s nearsightedness, and is testing his theory.[/b]

He peered back into the binoculars.
“I see roughly 64 Infantry, 3 APCs, 4 Jeeps, armed with LMGs and Javelin Rockets.”

[b]Dio: HOW ARE YOU SO PRECISE NOW?![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Didn’t he say there were 40 before? Damn it, Holt.[/b]

“What flag are they under?” The sergeant asked.
“I see no visible flag, sir. Just troops.” Holt responded.
“Than they are just pirates,

[b]Daisuke: Than I stopped reading this fic because I realized it sucked.[/b]

a work force for hire looking to make a quick buck.

[b]Dio: The term "pirate" usually refers to those who rob and pillage on the sea or those who download illegally. DON'T DO EITHER.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Presumably, Holt also suffers from what affects all the other soldiers except for the Sergeant. It’s called stupidity. So the Sergeant must explain to him what pirates are. Except instead he described what mercenaries are. Damn it, Sergeant.[/b]

Most don’t even have proper combat training.”
The officer raised his voice, to make sure that the others could hear him.
“Are we going to let a few pirates crush our moral?

[b]Dio: PROOFREAD. It's morale.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oh come on, Dio, don't crush his moral[/b]

Are we gonna let them waltz in and steal what is rightfully ours?

[b]Daisuke: You can’t wield it, and we have no back story on this. WHY is it rightfully yours?[/b]

Are we gonna beg at their feet, asking for mercy?

[b]Daisuke: Or die in a blaze of glory. Whatever works.[/b]

I should think not. Lets let these bastards know just who they are dealing with!”

[b]Daisuke: “[s]Let’s[/s] Lets let these bastards know just who [s]they’re[/s] they are dealing with!”? No one says “they are” when they speak. Most likely they’d say “Let’s show these bastards who they’re dealing with”. Don’t try to experiment if it makes you look like a [s]soldier from this fic[/s] bad writer.[/b]

“Oohra!” Several voices yelled at once.

[b]Daisuke: The other ones just didn’t care enough.[/b]

[b]Dio: One missing letter and the several voices could all be Star Platinum.[/b]

The sergeant began commanding the troops to their respective locations, telling them to dig in.

[b]Daisuke: Of course, we’re being told this, instead of show this. Wonderful.[/b]

The sergeant himself grabbed a SIAR (Standard Issue Assault Rifle) and took cover behind a wall. There was a moment of silence right before the battle. The calm before the storm.

[b]Dio: Then they all got killed. END.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Oooh, that so makes me want to read more.[/b]

[b]Not.[/b]

[b]This fic, while definitely not one of the worst, was also not one of the best. (not that any of them are). It’s just pretty boring. Nothing to hook the reader but the thought of violence against an unknown force that magically grows in numbers (to spare myself from insulting Holt’s eyesight again). The only named character is Holt, and aside from the Sergeant, I like none of the characters. And even then, my liking of the Sergeant took a blow when I learned he could not differentiate a pirate from a mercenary. Definitely not hopeless, but proofreading would be nice. It needs more interesting stuff, and less…of the stuff that it’s composed of now.[/b]

[b]Dio: In short, work on it. Simple as that. PLAY US OUT, CRAWFORD![/b]

[b][color=green]Be a dear and take me to the hospital, I'm bleeding to death.[/color][/b]

[b]Holt: Why's everyone bleeding?[/b]

[b]Daisuke: ...God DAMMIT Holt...[/b][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 8: Symmetrically Eight]

“What would you like to drink?” the waitress asked the young man and woman sitting in a booth near the front of the restaurant.

[b]Daisuke: Shouldn’t it be “Would you like to drink something?”? What if they’re not thirsty? Huh? HUH?[/b]

The place was designed to look like a French Café,

[b]Daisuke: But it instead failed horribly and looked more like a Hawaiian Café.[/b]

until one looked at the inside, which was just a regular restaurant.

[b]Daisuke: So there’s some sort of outer design the French use for their restaurant that is automatically recognizable as French?[/b]

“I’d like a cup of espresso, please.” The blonde man said, “And she would like some water.”

[b]Daisuke: Why is he deciding for her? I mean, obviously they just got there since the waitress is taking their order, so they had virtually no time to discuss what they wanted. So he takes the espresso for himself, and leaves the woman with water just because it‘s cheaper. Chivalry dies where the bill begins.[/b]

The waitress nodded, before running off to place the order. “I expect this of Cerise, but Andrew being late? I wonder what’s up…”

[b]Daisuke: Maybe he just doesn‘t want to eat with you.[/b]

[url="http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/9300000/Colonello-katekyo-hitman-reborn-9326105-411-508.jpg"]Isaac[/url] mused aloud to his companion.

[b]Daisuke: Ooh, picture link. Screw actually describing the characters to us.[/b]

“Well, you know Mia often drags him off places, Isaac. Just be patient.” [url="http://i52.tinypic.com/fjojs3.jpg"]Amelia[/url] said with a smile.

[b]Daisuke: One more time! No description for the win![/b]

“Besides, I like hanging out with you.”

The two began to chat about everything from school to the waitress had returned with their drinks.

[b]Daisuke: How do you read over that and feel it makes any amount of sense?[/b]

“What would you like to eat?” She asked, a plastered smile on her face.

[b]Daisuke: Wouldn’t this have been useful to ask before, when you took their drink orders and nothing else?[/b]

“We’re waiting on some friends.” The waitress nodded, and walked off once more.

[b]Daisuke: This makes it seem like the waitress answered herself. Which is creepy. Dialogue goes in different paragraph.[/b]

“People should really enjoy their jobs.” The blonde

[b]CRAPPY DESCRIPTION: GET. I seriously find this an improvement.[/b]

mused as he poured some creamer into his coffee.

As he mixed it up, a woman’s voice cut through the crowd. “Little broooother!” Came the cry, and the two at the table turned to see [url="http://www.hellocosplay.com/images/props/vocaloid-2-cosplay-megurine-luka-long-boots-1.jpg"]Cerise[/url] running in, virtually dragging

[b]Daisuke: Only virtually, not physically.[/b]
[url="http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b93/tsuna_azai010/anime_guy_2.jpg"]Andrew[/url] along with her.

Isaac cut a quick glance at Amelia, rolling his eyes in the process, and causing her to giggle a little.

[b]Daisuke: For some reason I find this awkward. So he turned to Amelia, and as he did so, he rolled his eyes. I mean, it would be much more common to roll his eyes, THEN turn to Amelia. Unless he found something in the timeframe that it took for him to turn his head eye roll-worthy.[/b]

As soon as Isaac returned his gaze to his sister, as she dragged her friend to the table in, and scooted into the booth next to Amelia, while shoving Andrew next to Isaac.

[b]Daisuke: The “As soon as” thought was never completed. So this is an incomplete sentence. And it was going so well too. And by well I mean I expected something like this.[/b]

“So, did you order for me?” Cerise asked, not even bothering to say hello.

[b]Daisuke: Cherice is mean. Sadly, I’ve already read this chapter, and further ones. You won’t get to liking Cherice’s character anymore than this, because that’s about as much depth she gets.[/b]

“No. Why would I order for you? I haven’t even ordered for myself.” Isaac retorted, prompting an angry reaction from the pink haired girl.

[b]Daisuke: It be very angry. No seriously, there was absolutely no point in that. We could tell she’s angry by the very next line.[/b]

“I’ve told you time and again to go ahead and order if I am late!”

[b]Daisuke: And I bet you yell at him if he orders what you didn’t want, amirite? This is strange, because it seems Cherice’s mood can be crushed simply because her brother didn’t order for her, and instead showed an OOC moment in which he was a gentleman and waited for the lady.[/b]

((OST 3 Start))

[b]Daisuke: IT STARTS NOW. EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO. This isn’t anime. Don‘t bring this garbage here. Having an OST list is silly, but fine. Having this is very silly, and stupid.[/b]

Without missing a beat, the two began to bicker, almost in a sort of tempo. Insults of height, grades, and skill were exchanged,

[b]Daisuke: Albeit we never really hear any of those insults. Besides, a normal sibling bickering involves just NO Uing the other, usually, they don’t insult each other’s weak spots. This shows that the characters really are mad at each other, and Cherice is a b*tch cause she’s making fun of her little brother because he didn’t order for her.[/b]

causing the other two members of the group to feel awkward about the situation.

[b]Daisuke: They b awkward k. They b awkward cause I said so.[/b]

“So, uh, Amelia”, Andrew began, “How has school been lately? You’re a senior now, right?”

The girl nodded slowly, watching the fight.

[b]Daisuke: She’s mesmerized by it even if there is an OST for it meaning it happens very often, and thus she should instead be sick of it.[/b]

Breaking her eyes away, the blue haired girl turned to Andrew. “Yup. Just started about three weeks ago. IT doesn’t seem that bad.

[b]Daisuke: You mean the College “IT”? Yeah, it really doesn’t. MIT, however, is another business altogether.[/b]

You think it’s time to stop them, again?” She noted, looking back to the twins.

“I believe so.” Andrew agreed, pushing his glasses up. “Guys, why not just duel like you usually do?” He asked the siblings.

[b][color=blue]Guess what? It’s Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar Time![/color][/b]

[b][color=blue]Alright, so first, there are three types of ways you can word a paragraph that includes sentence AND speech. You can do “narration - speech”, “speech - narration”, and “speech - short narration to identify speaker - speech”. The above, kids, is something called “speech - narration - speech - narration”. It’s bad. Really bad. It means you suck. More than a person with no pajamas that I can steal- I mean, borrow. Don’t do it. Thank you for joining us on Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar time![/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]…Squirt?[/color][/b]

“What, so I can win, AGAIN? Sure, why not?” Cerise asked with a sly grin. Isaac looked away, muttering something about a fluke. “Sure, why not? Haven’t ordered yet, so no reason not to. Just need to pay my tab.”

[b]Daisuke: Don’t make me start “Yorui and Captain Blorbalot’s Grammar Time” again…separate people speaking equals separate paragraphs. But obviously that thought process escapes the profound mind of the writer, whose characters are just brimming with all kinds of fascinating corners to explore.[/b]

-------

“So, [i]little brother[/i], ready to go?” Cerise asked, disk raised outside.

[b]Daisuke: It’s so convenient how they somehow have disks on them. I mean, they came here to eat, not duel. In fact, they should be hungry. Why are they dueling? I wouldn’t duel if I were hungry.”[/b]

“I told you, you’re a minute older. BIG time gap.” Isaac groaned. “Whatever, let’s just start. Ladies first.” He sarcastically demanded.

[b][color=blue]GASP. He did it again Captain Blorbalot! This might be a more serious case than I thought! Quick, use Pepper Breath![/color][/b]

[b][color=teal]…Squirtle, squirt…[/color][/b]

((OST 4 Start))

“Alright then,” Cerise called, as they both drew their hands, Cerise drawing a sixth card.

Taking a quick look over his hand, Isaac took account of the cards he had drawn.

[b]Daisuke: Looking at the definition of taking account of something, he considered something to have a particular quality. Not exactly what you were going for, right?[/b]

[i]”Alright…”[/i], he thought [i]”I got Rose Maiden and Archfiend Guide. This sets me up nicely.”[/i]

His thoughts were interrupted

[b]Daisuke: Correction, his single thought, that he just had.[/b]

when his twin called out “I activate the spell card, Dark World Dealings! We both draw and discard 1 card!”

When they discarded, a small, purple bat-like fiend came flying out of Cerise’s grave, pulling a chain. As he pulled, a small blue elephant squeezed out with Indian garb on, and stepped on the fiend as he came to a rest on the ground.

[b]Daisuke: I read this over and over, and I still couldn’t figure out why it happened. Even taking into account the elephant’s ability to summon himself from the grave, since he never seems to hit the grave. So I’ll just move on.[/b]

“I discarded my The Fabled Ganashia, allowing me to Special Summon him from my Graveyard! He also gains 200 ATK because he was Special Summoned like that!”

[b]Daisuke: Too late, the game read your mind and already made the move for you.[/b]

The beast trumpeted as his ATK increased to 1800. “Next, I activate the effect of my Fabled Grimro in my hand! By sendind her to the Graveyard, I can add 1 Faled monster from my deck to my hand!

[b]Daisuke: If you can’t figure out what Fals about his sentence, then you Fal.[/b]

I choose The Fabled Chawa!”

[b]Daisuke: NONSENSE. It said Faled, not Fabled! Cherice is a jerky jerk-wad who breaks the rules.[/b]

As Grimro descended into the grave, her hand held up Chawa, which then flew to Cerise’s hand. “Then, I activate Chawa! I discard m Fabled Krus,

[b]Daisuke: I’m about to lose m sanity.[/b]

and Special Summon Chawa in DEF!”

[b]Daisuke: “In DEF” is beyond lazy. Just spell out defense. I know the mind that created this may not know how to spell it, but Microsoft will help you, don’t worry. Just don’t spell “Defense” “Faled”, and it should be able to help.[/b]

As the small bat fiend riding Chawa tugged on his reins,

[b]Daisuke: Chawa can be plural. If I am right, then a small bat fiend is riding a bunch of Chawa. And tugged on… “his” reigns? Oh well, he’s Faled worse.[/b]

the chihuahua yipped, and bounced off a card in Cerise’s hand, sending it to the grave. Moments later, sounds of crying were heard, as Grimro was revived. “When I discard Krus, she Special Summons 1 Level 4 or lower Fabled from my grave! So I revived Grimro! Now, I set 1 card, and I activate another Dark World Dealings.”

Once again, the two duelists drew one and discarded one card. This time, yipping came from Cerise’s grave. “Now, since I discarded The Fabled Cerburrel, he revives himself!”

[b]Daisuke: How many Faldes yip, anyway? Next the elephant one is gonna yip…[/b]

With a start, the three-headed red dog came flying out of the grave, carrying his “Keeper” with him.

[b]Daisuke: I can’t picture this “Keeper” at all. And please tell me the quotation marks don’t imply the “Keeper” is meant to be perverted. And for the LOVE OF GOD please tell me it’s not supposed to be a Harry Potter reference.[/b]

“I set one card. Next, I am tuning my Chawa with my Grimro (1+4)!

[b]Daisuke: (1+4)! = (one plus four) factorial. Basically he’s saying their combined levels equal out to 120. Sorry, math is getting to me. But seriously, that doesn’t need to be there at all! You could just say “I’m tuning my level one Chewbacca and level four Grimmjow.” Yes, Isaac, we can count. Amazing as it seems.[/b]

Synchro Summon! T.G. Hyper Librarian!”

A white and black-clad magician appeared from the tuning ring made by Chawa, and began to flip through a book it held. “Then, I tune my Cerburrel to my Ganashia (2+3)!”

[b]Daisuke: Once again, you can say the levels of Cerberus and Geisha after or before their names, you don’t have to stuff math in there. But I suppose it’s nice of him to find us so intelligent as to be able to solve 2+3 on our own without the answer.[/b]

A four pronged fissure appeared, and devoured Ganshia’s body as 3 stars went into the two rings made by the cerberus. A low chuckle filled the area as two small bat fiends appeared with grins around the rings. “A laugh from hell makes its way to heaven! Mocking the lost sky, the fallen angel grants his own weak power! Synchro Summon! Fly once more, Fabled Ragin!”

[b]Daisuke: You see, it’s funny because people in the restaurant around him probably want to tell him “Dear god, shut UP! we’re trying to EAT!”[/b]

A yellow fiend, with black bat wings and red eyes, rose from the ground, a grin on his face. As he stood erect, he spread his wings wide. Both flashed a bright yellow, and under them appeared 2 cards. “When I Synchro Summon Ragin, I can draw cards until I have 2 cards in my hand! But, that’s not all!” Cerise called, as the spellcaster read his book, and produced a card from its pages.

[b]Daisuke: I had to read the next line to figure out Cherice Sue was talking about Librarian, and not Ragin.[/b]

“When I Synchro Summon, Librarian allows me to draw 1 more card!” Cerise drew 3 cards, set one more, and ended.

“Did you take long enough?” Isaac called to his sister, shaking his head.

[b]Daisuke: Shaking your head’s not really a natural gesture to make when you’re saying “Did you take long enough?” to someone. But that’s just my opinion.[/b]

“Fableds… She had to choose the deck with ridiculously long turns. Anyways, my turn! Draw!” Isaac looked at the card, before quickly activating it.

[b]Daisuke: By the way, that paragraph Isaac said was separate from the other one. That shouldn’t happen. Do you even read literature? No books do that, and you’re not clever by doing it.[/b]

“I activate Synchro Monument! Now, you cannot activate cards in response to the summon of a Tuner or the Synchro Summon of a Synchro Monster!”

[b]Daisuke: A bit of a nitpick, but what else but SYNCHRO monsters would be SYNCHRO summoned? Geminis?[/b]

Cerise yawned, taunting her ‘little’ brother, but he just shrugged it off.

[b]Daisuke: Wait, why is ‘little’ in apostrophes? Is she implying he is big, AKA fat? That’s mean, Cherice. I dislike you more now.[/b]

“Next, I summon my Rose Maiden (Lv. 3)! Now, when she is Normal Summoned, I can Special Summon 1 Archfiend Guide from my hand or grave! As a woman with blue hair, resembling Black Rose Dragon appeared, a human version of Red Dragon Archfiend appeared on the field.

[b]Daisuke: Shame we’re not told what Black Rose Dragon and Red Archfiend Dragon look like, because as things are the reference to the creature is useless if we don’t know what they look like.[/b]

[b]Isaac: I least the monsters GET some description. I don’t even know my own hair color.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: Hey, Isaac. Guess what? Go back to ordering coffee for you and water for girls.[/b]

“Now, because I control Rose Maiden, Archfiend Guide can gain 1 level, making it level 5! Now, I tune both of my monsters together (3+5)!”

[b]Daisuke: This goes beyond thinking we’re stupid. This is thinking we’re at the level of a kindergartener. He states the levels, adds one to Archfiend, then STILL finds the need to do the sum for us. We’re not retarded. Stop writing like we are.[/b]

The girl grabbed the fiend’s hand, and led him into the sky. She became 3 green rings, and the Guide became 5 stars down the middle of the rings. “Behold, my very soul! The flames and darkness show the twisted power and the will within! The sinner is revealed! Through the trials of this life, I'll try once more! The monster is no longer in the dark, Red Dragon Archfiend!”

[b]Daisuke: I bet the other customers will try to find a REAL French restaurant next time, or one that doesn‘t allow dueling.[/b]

The beast appeared in flames, roaring, spreading its wings, and baring its fangs. “Since my Guide was used as material for RDA, I draw 1 card!” Drawing his card, Isaac set 2 cards.

[b]Daisuke: As this is read, Isaac was able to draw a card and set two cards at the same time. That is pretty beast.[/b]

[b]Isaac: Believe it![/b]

[b]Daisuke: Shut up Isaac.[/b]

[b][color=pink]Don‘t tell him to shut up, he‘s my ‘little‘ brother.[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke: …Said like that, it can almost be perverted…[/b]

“Alright, RDA, Absolute Powerforce!” The demon dragon roared as its right claw was set ablaze. It flung its claw

[b]Daisuke: It has a detachable claw? Holy f*ck yes, that is godly.[/b]

at T.G. Hyper Librarian, but was stopped by a large gust of wind, causing his card to fly off the field.

[b]Daisuke: May I state that on the field, a face-up monster is a monster, not a card. On the duel disk, however, it is a card. But they don’t fly off the disk.[/b]

“I activated my trap,” began Cerise. “Phoenix Wing Wind Blast. I can discard 1 card, then return 1 monster on the field to the top of its owner’s deck. Now, since I discarded it, my Fabled Lurrie is Special Summoned in DEF.”

Isaac cringed at losing his dragon. “I end…” He groaned.

“Alright, my turn! Well, first off, I activate the Spell Giant Trunade! Return all your cards to your hand please, seeing as you have no monsters.” The girl taunted her brother.

[b]Daisuke: You consider that taunting? That’s horrible taunting.[/b]

[b][color=pink]Shut up and return all your cards to your hand, please~[/color][/b]

Once his field was clear, and her set cards were in hand, she continued. “Next, I activate The Fabled Nozoochee.

[b]Daisuke: Instead of activating his effect, which most people do.[/b]

I discard another Cerburrel to Special Summon Nozoochee. Then, Cerburrel revives once more.”

Cerise set 2 cards, and announced. “I’m tuning my Lurrie and Nozoochee with my Cerburrel! Synchro Summon! Fabled Ragin!”

[b]It’s nice that she doesn’t do card game chants in public restaurants.[/b]

A second yellow fiend appeared on the other side of the Librarian, granting Cerise 3 more cards. “Alright, little bro, this is it! I activate another Nozoochee, and discard another Ganashia.”

The Serpent ad Elephant rose, with e Elephant trumpeting his 200 extra ATK.

[b]Daisuke: E ELEPHANT.[/b]

“Alright, Ragin, attack!”

The blow landed, reducing Isaac’s life to 6700, and it was swiftly followed up by Nozoochee and Ganashia’s assaults, reducing him to 3600. “Now, Ragin #2 attacks, and then Librarian!”

Without being able to counter, Isaac’s life hit zero.

[b]Daisuke: I wish Isaac had a life, and I wish he meant the MEMBER Zero. I would like Isaac so much more.[/b]

“Good game, [i]little brother[/i]! came Cerise’s call, to which Isaac muttered the same.

[b]Daisuke: he muttered to her “good game, [i]little brother[/i]?” I smell a trap.[/b]

“Now, you’re buying my lunch!” the female duelist exclaimed, to which Isaac protested, knowing it was futile.

Andrew laughed at is dejected friend, while Amelia tried to cheer him p from yet another loss to his sister. The 4 walked back into the restaurant, and sat, down- Isaac’s treat.

[b]Daisuke: This author clearly believes in his endless wisdom that telling us this is better than showing us this. He’s wrong. And he also found the inspiration necessary to think up that 4 was a better way to express the number than four. In that way, however, he is also wrong.[/b]

-------

((OST 5 Begin))

[b]Daisuke: God dammit, where’s Louie with the sound box?![/b]

As the sun set, the group had gone their separate way. Isaac had offered to walk Amelia home, but she insisted she would be fine, and, before he could protest, Cerise was dragging him off, and telling the other two goodbye. “Thanks for lunch.”

She said with a smile, giving her twin a big hug. She would always treat him like a little brother when they were away from others, and not just taunt him with it. “It’s nothing.” Isaac shrugged it off, grinning. “Besides, I let you win.”

[b]Daisuke: The amount of tell here is horrendously horrible. I cannot fathom why Zetsubou Black thought this was a good idea, or good writing, or even moderately acceptable writing. This is bad. It hurts my eyes to read. We’re just being given a bunch of exposition that deprives the characters of any sort of depth they would gain from the author actually showing us these scenes. But does the author care? No, he does not.[/b]

Cerise broke out laughing, and punched him in e shoulder,

[b]Daisuke: E SHOULDER BELONGS TO E ELEPHANT ONLY.[/b]

which he began to rub soon after. “You’re pulling my leg, kid. The day u

[b]Daisuke: …[/b]

[b]…..[/b]

[b]………[/b]

[b]Never in all my…………FOR THE LOVE OF CRAB HELMET, WHY IS INTERNET SPEAK BEING USED IN A FIC?!?!?!?111!?!?!?[/b]

beat me is the day pigs fly! Now, whoever’s home last has to pay for dinner!” She called back, having already started to sprint away

“Wh-what?! NO! You guys spent all my money at lunch!” Came Isaac’s cry, begging his sister to lay off.

The siblings raced home as the sun finished setting over a hill near the twin’s home, as Cerise ran inside, giggling, and Isaac followed soon after. [i]Another day, another hole in my pocket, another good time.[/i]

[b]Daisuke: Another…oh screw it. Time for final thoughts.[/b]

[b]Okay. Put simply, this was bad. I shall name the one good thing about it. The duels actually didn’t put me to sleep. Maybe it was the actual decent descriptions, maybe it was my rage at my intelligence being questioned beyond doubt. Now for the bad. The tell in this fic is such that I cannot find words sophisticated enough to describe it without saying “WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU TELL SO MUCH INSTEAD OF SHOW?”. The characters themselves are painful to hear talk, think, or anything. They plain suck. Especially a certain someone.[/b]

[b][color=pink]Hiya everyone~[/color][/b]

[b]Daisuke…yes. Anyway, moving on, the lack of proofreading is blatantly obvious, and the writing style itself is a novice work at best. There’s no tension, and certainly the One-Turn Kill duel didn’t add anything positive to that.[/b]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 9: Back in Nine]

[b]Daisuke: Well, after nine weeks of no riffviews, we decided to do a new one.[/b]
[b]Dio: Guess who's back. Back again.[/b]
[b]Daisuke: And it's coincidentally our ninth review. A fic by none other than KTJ. I'd HOPE most of you have heard of him.[/b]

[b]Because I haven't.[/b]

[b]That said, the fic we'll be riff viewing is called [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/261084-b00k-1-rise-of-the-dragon-kings/"]B00k 1. Rise of the Dragons[/url][/b]
[b]Dio: D00d, teh b00k is s0 l33t![/b]
[b]Daisuke: Yes, b00k. This is so beyond anything I ever imagined, and blows my mind. Looks great so far. Let's get to it.[/b]

Rise of the Dragon Kings

"Do you what to make a mockery of this family?"
[b]Dio: "No, I WANT to make a mockery of this family."[/b]
[b]"Oh, ok then. Carry on."[/b]
[b]Daisuke: WHAT. No, seriously, we already get no proofreading. I have lost all faith in you, KTJ. [/b]

"No. I just don't get it. Do we really have to do this now?"
"Do we have to do this now? Do we have to do this now? Yes. Yes, we have to do this now. The next time this happens, it could be the next century."

[b]Daisuke: Okay, bad flow in dialogue aside, this fic seems to open up in the cliché way of "Mystery guy 1 talking to mystery guy 2 about some mysterious thing in a very mysterious and vague way so as not to let the reader know anything." Which is usually followed by tell rather than show. But we'll just see how it turns out.[/b]
[b]Dio: "Why don't we wait till the 24th 1/2 century?"[/b]
[b]"Do you WANT Duck Dodgers on our tail?!"[/b]

There was a table in front of both son and father.

[b]Daisuke: Small complaint, but...this makes it seem as though they each have their separate table. "Both father and son sat across each other on the table" might flow better.[/b]

The table was loaded with roots, leaves, flowers, anything that grows from the ground.

[b][b]Daisuke: That's a pretty large table.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: No, they just stacked that stuff REALLY high up.[/b][/b]

It was training. Training for the most important event in a child's life. Of coarse Sage Greenbranch didn't know what it was. All he knew was that it involved lots of training and knowledge.

[b][b]Dio: Yes. He was training for his bar mitzvah. L'chaiem![/b][/b]

[b][b]Daisuke: I don't even know where to begin...let's see:[/b][/b]

[b][b]1. Apparently this training is the most important event of a CHILD'S life, so we can assume that it's not really special in any way, as it happens to EVERYONE.[/b][/b]

[b][b]2. Coarse isn't the word you're looking for.[/b][/b]

[b][b]3. Sage Greenbranch? For some reason this gets me laughing. What, is his father's name "Sage Pinkherb"?[/b][/b]

[b][b]Dio: That's about as stupid as naming your kid Dio Brando! ...I hate my parents.[/b][/b]

[b][b]4. That last sentence makes it so we are well-informed of one thing. Greeny is incompetent. He should not be training this child, if he does not even know what he's training the child for. Despite the fact he obviously had to undergo the same event himself, unless he was never a child. Unless Sage Greenbranch IS the child. The story wasn't very clear on that. But if so, why is a child a sage? This makes no sense.[/b][/b]

"Let's review. What is this plant called?"
"It's a... a... White Sageroot?"

[b][b]Daisuke: Forgive me if I'm wrong, but...I am 100% sure there haven't been verbs such as 'said' or 'asked' after ANY speech. Now, I know using said a lot is boring. And as Crab pointed out, picking random adjectives to use instead of said can also turn out badly. But not using them at all? I'm beginning to think this is a screenplay, and with the utter lack of description of ANYTHING, I'm beginning to think I'm right.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: ...so one of your screenplays, then.[/b][/b]

"Precisely. Do you remember why it is so important?"
"I remember I'm named after it. Something about air?"

[b][b]Daisuke: The kid is named White Sageroot? And thus when he becomes a Sage, (which I'm assuming is the event Greeny is ignorant of) he will be Sage White Sageroot? Well that was some smart naming. Everyone in this story except SageSage, so far, has displayed a complete and utter lack of common sense.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: What if he becomes a smithy? Would he be Smith White Sageroot?...I'm not gonna lie, that would be one epic name.[/b][/b]

"Yes. Bring it up to your mouth and you can breath underwater. It saved my life in the Championship."
"Wow. When is lunch?"

[b][b]Daisuke: Wow, Greeny was talking about this dramatic moment of when he almost DIED, and was saved by a plant that can let him breathe underwater...and SageSage goes and asks about lunch. Not only does this dialogue not flow, SageSage is THE biggest bastard in this story BY FAR.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: To be fair, someone of SageSage's mindset would probably be bored as hell and hungry, so anything referring to eating would bring lunch to mind.[/b][/b]

"After you can tell me which of these plants you can eat[b]."[/b]

[b][b]Daisuke: If I was Greeny, I'd make him eat said plants for revenge. If SageSage was right, he'd just have a low-calorie meal. If he was wrong...well, revenge is sweet.[/b][/b]

Training was like this a lot. Harsh, demanding, and it seemed like it took forever, at least to Sage.

[b][b]Daisuke: Knowing the names of plants, and being able to tell which of them can be eaten is harsh and demanding? Not only is SageSage a bastard, he's a wuss. WHY is he the protagonist?[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: Because life is harsh and demanding.[/b][/b]

To his father, it was important and life saving.

[b][b]Daisuke: Yeah, it was life saving since one of these plants saved his life. But you care more about lunch. Go away, SageSage.[/b][/b]
[b][b][color=gray]No! My father is very harsh, demanding, and he seems to take forever![/color][/b][/b]
[b][b]Daisuke: ...Not getting into that ANYWAY, moving on.[/b][/b]
[b][b][color=green]Hello.[/color][/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: OH GOD, NO![/b][/b]

And if it didn't happen everyday all day, he might as well kiss Sage goodbye.

[b][b]Daisuke: Everyday means ordinary and unremarkable. I think you mean every day, yes, for those of you who can't read, there IS a difference. Also, I thought Sage was his name? Are they going to disown him and strip him of his name or something?[/b][/b]

Life was like this a lot in the city of Etchis. Harsh, demanding, and it seemed like it was to short.

[b][b]Daisuke: Wait if he spends [s]everyday[/s] every day, all day, training, and it seems to take forever, how do days seem short? My god. Worst. Protagonist. Ever.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: It's a little wibbly wobbly, timey wimey. Which is short for, HE'S GOT NO SENSE OF TIME WHATSOEVER.[/b][/b]

Mainly because it was for many people.

[b][b]Daisuke: You know, like the 6 billion people on Earth? And if the cause is lack of resources then state THAT as the cause, not the quantity of people. [/b][/b]

[b]Because quantity of people shouldn't have anything at all to do with days being harsh, demanding, and short.[/b]

At the age of thirteen, all children where forced to participate in the Rider Championship.

[b][b]Dio: The main events-jump and kick.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Daisuke: They where all forced and they- WHY AM I READING THIS STORY? [/b][/b]

The Championship is an opportunity for all children to prove their worth. If a child was killed or mortally wounded, they where out.

[b][b]Daisuke: ...A sudden scary thought came to me. What if the author actually thinks "were" is written as "where"?[/b][/b]

[b][b]...My god.[/b][/b]

[color=#808080][b][b]But the days where so harsh![/b][/b][/color]

[b][b]Dio: SHUT IT, SAGESAGE.[/b][/b]

The winner got to become a great Dragon Rider, starting training all over again. this time in magic, weaponry, and politics.

[b][b]Daisuke: I am tempted to make an Eragon reference. But instead I shall just point out the fact if it's 'their training all over again', yet they are taught completely different things, then it's obviously NOT their training all over again.[/b][/b]

[b][b]Also, how can someone participate in these championships and do well if they only teach them magic and weaponry AFTER they win? For now, SageSage only has the weapon of potentially poisonous plants.[/b][/b]

[b][b]And yes, I didn't comment on politics being out of place. Because for all I know, their civilization can be that corrupt of one where noble warriors must indulge in politics to actually receive any honor and glory. [/b][/b]

"That's easy," replied Sage. "The answer is most of them. Any plant with red on it is a "no". Any unknown berry, and, unless you have to, anything that doesn't have flowers or doesn't bloom."

[b][b]Dio: Psh. Everyone knows you feed unknown berries to Pokemon.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Daisuke: For some reason I find this method of choosing which plants are good to eat and which will kill you to be rather...primitive. And dangerous. [/b][/b]

"And why don't we eat things that don't bloom?"
"Because it means it was abandoned by living creatures long ago. Evolution made if loose it's bloom."

[b][b]Daisuke: Made if loose it's bloom. IF. IT'S. I HATE THIS STORY I HATE IT SO VERY VERY MUCH.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: *pat pat*[/b][/b]

"Perfect. Let's go in for lunch."
"Dad, can I ask you something?"
"Anything."

[b][b]Dio: "Am I a fairy princess?"[/b][/b]
[b][b]"Anything but that."[/b][/b]
[b][b]Daisuke: That probably sounds more sexual than the author intended it to be. [/b][/b]

"Why aren't you flying on some dragon, fighting enemy towns?"
"Let's eat."
The truth was, Mr.Greenbranch didn't ride dragons because when he won, it was very controversial.

[b][b]Daisuke: Instead of telling us this, why not just give us the backstory straight out? GAAH![/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: Who wants to bet the win wasn't controversial at all?[/b][/b]
[b][b]Daisuke: BTW, I still think Mr. Greenbranch is hilarious as a name. [/b][/b]

That year, the Championship took play on a volcano.

[b][b]Daisuke: ...I need a fork to gouge my eyes out. They'll bleed slower that way.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: ...took....took pl-what? I could handle the loose bloom, but took play? It sounds like Hobbit Theatre. (And a cookie to whoever gets that.)[/b][/b]

All others where dead,

[b][b]Daisuke: It's official. This author things 'were' is 'where'. Author. Advice. LEARN ENGLISH. GAAAH!![/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: BETTER YET, LEARN SPANISH. IT'S MUCH MORE TOLERABLE TO READ.[/b][/b]

except 2 boys.

[b][b]Daisuke: I won't even complain about using '2' over 'two' here, because there are far worse things in this story. [/b][/b]

One was trained mainly in offence and hunting, the other was an Intellectual.

[b][b]Daisuke: I'm assuming since "Intellectual" is capitalized it must be some form of organization an- WHO AM I KIDDING? GET ME OUT OF HERE![/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN! *slaps*[/b][/b]

He knew everything about most things.

[b][b]Daisuke: ...the pain...the pain won't go away.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: Well, duh, I just slapped you.[/b][/b]

He also knew that this particular volcano was famous.

[b][b]Daisuke: Well I reckon you don't have to be an Intellectual to know it's famous if it's famous. [/b][/b]

Famous for having an underground oasis. The smarter boy took roots from his precious personal pack, a bag everyone got to put items in.

[b][b]Daisuke: Wait, so everyone puts items in, and it's HIS? Okay, protagonist may have some competition here.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: Can someone get proof of underground oases in volcanoes? I'd really like it if this WASN'T SOMETHING STUPID.[/b][/b]

If it can fit in a 8 inch, by 3 inch, by 4 inch bag, you can use it.

[b][b]Daisuke: It's sad when the most described thing in your story is a bag. [/b][/b]

That particular boy filled his up with edible and useful plants.

[b][b]Daisuke: Edible plants as opposed to edible food that's not plants that may be found anywhere where they grow.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: OR IN SUPERMARKETS.[/b][/b]

He took the most distasteful ones for the job and made a trail to the oasis.
The other one fell for it, hook line, and sinker. Thinking he had the upper hand, the more aggressive boy walked closer and closer to the water until he was in reach. In reach of the other boy that is.

[b][b]Daisuke: I can feel the suspense and tension oozing through this page. [/b][/b]

From the depths of pond and algae came a dangerous force known as .

[b][b]Daisuke: Known as...space? No, the space key is good. Ifwedidn'tuseiteverythingwouldlooklikethisandstuff[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: It's obviously a spoiler tag.[/b][/b]

He grabbed his opponent and dragged him down into the water.
Using White Sageroot,

[b][b]Daisuke: Man 1 used White Sageroot. Man 1 can now breathe underwater. +2 EXP.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: He used White Sageroot! It's super effective![/b][/b]

the smarter boy was able to breathe under the surface while to other drowned. Or at least, he thought the other had drowned. He pulled the body to the surface

[b][b]Daisuke: Tip: when trying to drown someone, don't bring them back up for air. [/b][/b]

and turned his back to him as he examined the short knife the boy had brought. Just as desided he would keep the blade, the other got up and charged at him. Hearing the previously life-less body get up, turned around and stabbed him.

[b][b]Daisuke: Ending makes no coherent sentence. Life-less isn't a term. Desided isn't word. Smarter guy is stupid for dragging body of enemy to the surface. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY[/b][/b]

[b][b]Dio: I know how Not-Yet-Dead feels. I wanna kill the guy too.[/b][/b]

This was a mistake.

[b][b]Daisuke: Indeed.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: Yup.[/b][/b]

Contestants are only aloud to use the environment and what they brought. In the end, the council decided to allow the boy to live and be claimed victor, but not to be a rider. This Dragonless Champion became a father to Sage.

[b][b]Dio: NO MOTORCYCLE FOR YOU![/b][/b]

[b][b]Daisuke: Totally not how Brom was dragonless, and was a father figure for Eragon. Nope, not at all.[/b][/b]

[b][b]Well, we've reached the end of chapter one. But why not go to chapter 2 and 3? They seem short. Hopefully not as painful. [/b][/b]

[b]Chapter 2[/b]
It wasn't until that night, after another rigorous training seccion,

[b][b]Daisuke: ...Never mind, then.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: We're boned.[/b][/b]

did Sage wonder what exactly he was training for. He always knew it was important and everyone went through it, but wht WAS it?

[b][b]Daisuke: Yes, what is "wht", and, more importantly, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS CRAB HELMET AM I STILL READING THIS?[/b][/b]

If he could die, he had a right to know.

[b][b]Dio: DON'T CARE. JUST DIE.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Daisuke: PS; that makes no sense.[/b][/b]

Why wasn't his dad a Rider?
Who or what was this mysterious Council?
What happened to the victor and why didn't he see any around?

[b][b]Daisuke: Find out more, next time, on- oh, screw it.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: SAME BAT-TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL![/b][/b]

Tomorrow, Sage thought to himself, tomorrow I will ask these things. And tomorrow will be the day I learn the answers.

[b][b]Daisuke: If the damn thing is in narrative, it isn't a thought. If it's a thought, it should be italicized, or formatted in some way to differentiate it from narration. In other words, the person who wrote this is a blithering idiot and PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: Short chapter though. That's slightly less painful.[/b][/b]

[b]Chapter 3[/b]
"Wake up, young one, " was the first thing Sage's father said to him in the morning. "Today is special. Today, you get to go outside the house."

[b][b]Dio: "And never come back. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOME."[/b][/b]

[b][b]Daisuke: Well quotations fail at the beginning aside, it seems it's a special day when SageSage (though this name will have to be redone seeing as they become riders, not sages...maybe SageRider?) gets to go out of his house. This basically means that his parents are such tyrants they keep him locked up in the house at all times, only letting him leave in very special occasions, and not giving him any way to know anything about the outside world. No wonder he's an idiot. [/b][/b]

"But why today? Why not earlier?" asked Sage. Maybe this will help in his quest for answers.

[b][b]Daisuke: Sudden transition to present tense yay. Yeah, I've given up.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: WE'RE ALMOST THERE! WE'RE ALMOST AT THE END![/b][/b]

His father made a deep sigh

[b][b]Daisuke: You mean sighed deeply? It's not that hard to construct that phrase. Seriously. [/b][/b]

"You have a right to know why. You have a right to know why I waited until today, when you turned 10, to know. The world is very dangerous. I kept you in for long enough.

[b][b]Daisuke: First off, it seems the father has some weird habit of repeating everything he says. Which would normally be some good characterization if this story didn't suck so bad. Because it makes me think it's just bad writing. And I'm probably not wrong.[/b][/b]
[b][b]Dio: ...is it Uncle Ben again?[/b][/b]

[color=#b22222][b][b]Well, with great power comes great-[/b][/b][/color]

[b][b]Dio: SHUT UP![/b][/b]
[b][b]Daisuke: Secondly, you're sending a 10-year old kid off into this no doubt heinous and perilous world, and letting him find out such deep, dark, secrets that if he learns them, can alter his state of mind for his entire life. Really great parenting. [/b][/b]

Your final years of training will all be done outside. Its time you learned combat. Its time you learned how to become a Dragon Champion."

[b][b]Daisuke: I'm sure this is all supposed to sound epic and stuff, but it's quite dulled by the fact we've been with these characters for three chapters, and we still don't care for them at all. Nor is the plotline interesting. I mean, all we know is that these guys ripped their name from Eragon, and...we don't really know what they do.[/b][/b]

[b][b]Dio: Ripped their NAME? Try "ripped the very fiber of its pages."[/b][/b]

Long ago the White Wizard, the most powerful of all wizards, wanted to create a new creature. A nnew creature that could enhance
Im not done with chapter 3 yet. Its actually stopped mid-sentence as of now.

[b]Daisuke: ...what?[/b]
[b]Dio: I know, right? What the hell's a nnew?[/b]
[b]Daisuke: So you're not done, but you decide to post it anyway?[/b]

[b]And you decide to stop it mid-sentence? Why not just NOT post it until you actually finish it? You're not a professional author, you don't have a deadline. Or better yet. Don't post this story.[/b]

[b]Dio: Too late. Far, far too late.[/b]

[b]Daisuke: This story went from boring to painful. It had nothing to catch the reader's attention, the characters are, so as to not call them idiots, flat. I want the protagonist to die. I want the smart guy to stop being stupid. I want the writer (if he can even be called that) to learn the basic everything of the English language before tackling any sort of story. I wanted this riffview to end, and it did. Good day to you.[/b]

[b]Dio: Peace! PLAY US OUT, SAGESAGE![/b]

[color=#808080][b]I just ate a weird tasting berry.[/b][/color]

[b]Dio: Fantastic. [/b]
[b][/spoiler][/b]

[HitoKage]

I've read about 75% of it and so far I liked it.

I'll be waiting for the next review.

[Makο]

I lol'd throughout the review.


You get the Fish Seal of Approval.

[Sploda]

This review is has EPIC amounts of...

[img]http://www.earlstees.com/shop/catalog/images//600/600_EpicWin.jpg[/img]

I couldn't stop loling.

>:3

There may be hope for destroying your innocence yet.

[DL]

@Creator - Lol xD

@Mako - Yay Fish Seal of Approval :3




@Everyone - Thanks for readin :3

We'll have the next review up as soon as possible ;D

[A20thCenturyBoy]

Thanks for the compliments, guys! The next one is on the way.

[Dr. Cakey]

It's good to see the Made in China/Taiwan Foe Fiction knockoff market is still booming. Reminds me I need to work on [i]mine[/i]...

Anyway, you guys are fantastic.

[DL]

What can I say, I've read quite a bit of Foe Fiction~ Picked up some helpful tips to [s]make fun of[/s] help improve people's writing.

Thank you, getting a compliment from someone with his own review series means a lot :3


2nd review is done, we're just revising it, so it should be up pretty soon.

[Makο]

Lol.


Hope my story in the works doesn't suck as bad as these storied reviewed.

[Fusion X. Denver]

Wow, you guys are harsh.
Good job.
1st review was lulzy, 2nd review wasn't as much, but that might be the story's fault :/

[DL]

@Mako - It's impossible. You'd have to suck enough to fail elementary school to make fics as bad as these.

@Fusion - First one was bad in a way that it was easier to make fun of.

And it had more content than just a paragraph.

And I know right? :3 Harshness FTW

[Blake]

*Is rolling on floor, tears pouring from laughter*

This is great xD

PAJAMAS~

[DL]

XD

Glad to see you enjoy it :3



Hmm...I just got an idea...

>:3333

[Sploda]

I'm tempted to get my work reviewed, just for giggles.

[Jake the Sage]

Pajamas 8D

And that makes me sad to be a Floridian too TT_TT

[Synchronized]

It was funny. I'll say that. It was good that you used humor, while also pointing out things that were actual errors as opposed to a flame column.

Do you guys take requests? I'd just be interested to see the reaction my own got.

[legolover09]

MORE MORE MORE!!!!!

[The True Ace Attorney]

This. Is. Awesome.

You should totally sell pies...

[size="2"][acronym='Seriously, that would be an amazing business opportunity. Because everyone likes to eat pie. Shoe pies would be a massive hit as well. If you go for it I'll give you a lot of money to start up your project. And you can trust me. I'm on the internet.']Or at least mildly eatable shoes[/acronym][/size][size="7"][url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239777-would-you-like-a-cigar/].[/url][/size]<-- (It's a demonic link dot.)

[Anbu-of-Sand]

Just read Chapter 1, and I gotta say, this stuff is hilarious. A couple of the stuff actually made me laugh. I wantz more ploxx, even though I didn't even read Chapter 2 yet.

[DL]

@Creator - Go for it, put the link up and we'll review it :3

@Jake - XD

@Star - Wai thank you, we aimed for that. Also, yeah, just post a link to your fic, and we'll review it when we can.~

@Legolover - More will be up as soon as possible ;3 We'll try to get one in today.

@Ace Attorney - Lol, I wanna sell mildly edible shoes now...

Also, looks like we got the next fic we'll be workin on (teh demonit link dot :3)

@Anbu - Glad you like it xD And lol, we'll have more up ASAP >:3

[Synchronized]

Here's a link:

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/238955-yugioh-cross-roads-new-episode-3-hopeful-spirits-posted-pg-13/

Feel free to review it as you will. I'm looking for as much constructive criticism as possible.

[Justice Master]

I love this. Not only has it inspired me to make a Review thread, but also to go out of my way to make a story so bad, you guys will review it. Until I can make that, this is all I can give ya: http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239405-noobkoreans-original-short-stories/

[legolover09]

Gah! What happened to putting up another one two days ago? OH THE AGONY!!!

[DL]

Lol, the 3rd review is finished xD

I'm just waiting for my partner to get here so we can revise it, and post it :3


@Star - Your fic is the one we're doin next :3

@Justice Master - Then we can do noobkorean shortstories after the 4th >:3

Also, glad we inspired you to uh....write and review crappy stories...I think >.>

[dogfish44]

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239595-yu-gi-oh-great-potential/

Hey! I found Review target #6!

And you better hurry up with that 3rd one, I fell out of my chair laughing with the second one.