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YuGiOh: Cross Roads NEW! [EPISODE 5: RUNNING OUT OF TIME PART TWO] POSTED

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[quote name='Anbu-of-Sand' timestamp='1297779169' post='5010286']
Just read Chapter 3. And I gotta say, wasn't as 'impressive' as previous Chapters. I'm also (no offense) getting somewhat annoyed on how much you use the word 'Hope'.

[b]I get it. I realize I overdid it, and I've made sure to tone it down a lot in the next episode.[/b]

Just saying, your somewhat overdoing it. The last part about the 'End of the World' seems so....unpredictable. In a good and bad way. From what we (the readers) have read so far, there are no signs of any 'Ending the World' plans and whatnot.

[b]Of course not. Where would the element of surprise be?[/b]

I can only assume that behind the brutality of the Cross Roads, the Barkeep is working on some plan / experiment can indeed end the world. That's all I got really.

[b]Who knows?[/b]

Oh, and review mine soon ploxx?

[b]Yeah, I apologize. I've been really busy the past couple of days. I'll do your review before Friday, whether it be tomorrow or Thursday.[/b]
[/quote]


[quote name='WHERE ARE MY CHEETOS SYRUS' timestamp='1297786814' post='5010373']
I read all episodes and i want to join but... how do i? is it like digimon RPG where you fill out a forum?

Name: Bla blah
Digimon: blah blah blah
Age:

You get my point.
[/quote]

[b]What?[/b]

[quote name='The True Ace Attorney' timestamp='1297786970' post='5010378']
"End of the world" seems to be the most hated part of this so far. Honestly though, there isn't any unwarranted hate for it either.

[b]Before you make any decisions on that, give me a chance to explain it. It's not what you think it is.[/b]

Look at who you're placing the world-destroying potential with. A bunch of violent drunkard cowboys. I'm still sticking with my views on that. Unless they worship some weird God, I'm calling shenanigans.

[b]Nope, not the case.[/b]

Oh, and the "I'm doing this because Desmond Tiny told me" thing was a reference to the Cirque Du Freak Saga by Darren Shan. Basically, take the "mond" from "Desmond Tiny" and you'll get it, whether or not you've read the books.
[/quote]
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[quote name='Arashi Idane' timestamp='1297886994' post='5012458']
Chapter Four was definitly awesome. I'm running out of creative ways to define your fan-fic. It's definitly weird at how their's apparently technology in the Cross Roads...

Oh, could you look at my Fan-Fic when you get the chance?
Yu-Gi-Oh! Birth of a Heero!
[/quote]

Would you say it was better than Episode 4?
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[quote name='V4.' timestamp='1297909818' post='5013394']
Its seems really good(I skimmed it0 I am srry i am writting a other sa.... but its seems really good cant wait to read the whole thing
[/quote]

Thanks for reading it. I gave you the 10 points, but hopefully you'll be able to read the whole thing and let me know what you think!
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This got delayed a little due to various reasons, but never let it be said that I let my readers go unrewarded.

I will read this from scratch, all the way through to chapter 4. When I read, I usually stop at certain 'breakpoints' and take a little break, thinking through what I've just read and absorb it. Now I'll record these thoughts, in order, looking ahead only to check the approximate length of the chapter I'm currently in. Let's go.

[b]Chapter 1, about halfway through[/b]:

Hmm. If I have to draw a conclusion just from this piece, I'd say this: the guy's a good writer. He has a good sense of storytelling, a nice narrative style - he's got the basics down. The world he's trying to build isn't bad, his ideas are somewhat refreshing, and for a story revolving around games, it sounds funky enough to like. But, he's not a good reader. If he was, he'd immediately detect the major problem with this: you never, [i]never[/i] start your story with a big wall of exposition. This is what this basically is. No plot progression, no character development, not even card games - just a basic analysis of what has been going on in the story.

And we don't like that. We want to be 'shown' the story as it evolves. The story isn't just the plot as it goes on now - the story is everything, the past, present, and future of your characters, your world. Many people make the mistake of thinking that their story is just their here and now, and chunk everything about the past in prologue-like chapters (like this), and everything about the future in epilogue-like chapters. That's... not a good way to do things. And by the way, why, oh why is the main character's name Ken?

[b]Chapter 1, finished[/b]:

I had taken a break before because I felt the need to clear my head and prepare for more exposition, but it looks like I was wrong. A few sentences later, the plot starts. And of course, it starts with card games. But for some reason, it starts with card games that have already happened. Now let me explain something: flashbacks are good things. They give depth, subtle exposition, character development. But you can't add depth to something that you haven't really established yet. You've basically filled every last sentence so far with exposition. And you can't develop a character that has not yet appeared in the present. So... a flashback at the start of the story, is not good. Still, it's well-written, and it ends sometime, moving on to the third section of the first chapter. The rest of it, though... I have a thing for characters that are established to be 'special'. Already the main character 'stands out' in the place in. He's already good at card games. He's already standing up for the weak. He's already a noble tragic figure. Unfortunately, that thing I mentioned? Yeah, that thing is that I hate them.

[b]Chapter 2, around 1/3[/b]:

The card game between the already-established good-guy noble-tragic-hero Ken and the bad guy starts. I trust we all know who to root for by this point, right? Right... anyways, the card game starts, and when the villain pops out a key card used in the anime by the protagonist, while it's not necessarily forbidden, it's certainly doesn't give off a good vibe. Explaining more, when you think of Formula Synchron (if you watch 5Ds), you think of bonds, epic buttpull combos, insert songs that everyone likes, glowing red marks. Not some thug that's about to be beaten by a guy named Ken in the first duel of the story. Then more stuff happens that isn't that good. More flaunting of Ken's virtues and the villains' villainry and generic badness. Meh.

[b]Chapter 3, around 2/3[/b]:

I read this one to the end of the duel. The card game action was not the best, but it was good enough to keep me interested. The problem was, once again, the characters. All except the random guy who Ken was fighting for scream stereotypes. For once, it actually makes things [i]better[/i] that their decks are more of a mis-match of random cards barely working together, since it fits with the backstory. But the characters just don't seem to have any connection with their cards. I mentioned that earlier, but most cards have a hidden 'alignment' - they only make sense in a story if someone with specific character traits plays them. Now I know you're going to say that they are just cards and it doesn't matter. But it's a story about cards. It [i]does[/i] matter.

The ending was predictable enough. The flashbacks are slowly getting annoying. There's such a thing as the present. When it's just three chapters and we know more about the past than the present, something's wrong. And the vocabulary troubles me. I mean, I can't even count the times the word 'kid' was repeated in those two chapters, and it's not like you couldn't find suitable substitutes. But I digress. Let's continue.

[b]Chapter 4, around 1/5[/b]:

I do not know if I should have counted it as a breaking point, but just as chapter 4 was starting I stopped. The story had started off good. A good ol' fight about survival in a desolate place, each character having to face their own internal strife along with a variety of other dangers. Sure, the characters were a little bland, sure, the one duel so far was not very exciting, but once the story spread its wings, it could end up as quite the refreshing touch. THEN IT'S ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD AGAIN?!?!

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with a heroic tale about the world ending and heroes trying to stop it. But despite the not-very-subtle-at-all foreshadowing in the first chapter, it didn't have to come into the picture this soon. Your story began as something else, something much more immediate, more direct, and had created certain expectations, and then it all tumbles on its head. In Lucas' own words, suddenly nothing of the brutality, hardship and stuff that you spent most of the former three chapters describing is really important, because HURR DURR IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! And then some paragraphs with description of the main character's habits and stuff happen, which is a good thing, generally, but now it's completely drowned out by the fact that THE WORLD IS ENDING.

[b]Chapter 4, around 3/5[/b]:

And then boldness happened. Whoever said that using bold text in regular storytelling was a good idea, is an idiot. Bold should only be used for emphasis. Italics are acceptable for flashbacks, though not the best. Underlining shouldn't generally be used. The places where you want to emphasize should either be italics (if you are not using them for flashbacks), or, as a last resort, bold. But normal storytelling being in bold? No. Just no. You might as well have colored it red. It's bad. Do not want.

Changing character perspectives is a very good idea, especially when the main character is named Ken and is a generic good guy who fights equally generic villainous people to protect the innocent. I enjoyed reading through Lucas' segments far more, probably because they were also written in third person. I was enjoying it, until World Racing Grand Prix. Then I puked. THE WORD IS RIDING DAMNIT. DON'T WATCH DUB. HATE DUB. BURN DUB. And apparently a duel is going to begin for no better reason than the bad guy being a jerk. Great. At least Lucas has a 'professional' deck. Oh, and did I mention his last name is KENji? Apparently Kens get all the chicks in this story, it's like being a Yu in Yugioh anime.

And then the epic superhero Ken strikes again, saving another hapless dude who is also being called a kid. Kid seems to be a blanket cuss word in Cross Roads, since they also called Lucas that and he was freaking 20 years old. But regardless. The story seems to focus more on making Ken look good and less on actually progressing. At this point, I hate to say it, but I've labeled Ken as a clear Mary Sue. I hate the character, plain and simple. He embodies so many "virtues" of the anime spectrum it's not even funny. He's a loner, he's strong, he stands out because of it, he stands up for weak guys, he fights off generic villains and makes them look silly, he speaks very eloquently and has a 'witty' sarcasm despite the circumstances he grew up in... so yeah. Mary Sue alerts going off all over the place.

[b]Chapter 4, finished[/b]:

I read the last parts of the fourth chapter rather quickly. Two separate card games are going on, which can get sort of frustrating to follow. But thankfully the game between Lucas and Frankie is simple enough. At least Lucas' deck makes sense, whereas Frankie's is... Darkness? I don't want to go into card alignments again, but... you should get the point. And Dimensional Rift is very overpowered. But, anyway. It seems to be going in an interesting direction.

Then our superhero Ken faces off against another generic villain... moves are being made, hand advantage is being pointlessly wasted as in all good anime duels, and the chapter ends with the revelation that the villain is NOT, in fact, another generic villain... he is a generic villain with a plot to stall Ken by exploiting his weakness of wanting to protect other people that was revealed like, what, half an hour ago? And is already established as a weak point. Nice.

---

Well, no, not that nice. I'll be completely honest here - if I hadn't promised to review it, I wouldn't have gotten to the end of this story. It's not a matter of it being bad, because it's not. The writing is good, the plot is decent, it flows well, and despite the main character being a Mary Sue - well, its Yugioh after all. But there is a major problem here. There's too much inconsistency. The story starts by taking itself way too seriously, only to discard that later. The build up is set for Ken to be some sort of dark anti-hero but by the fourth chapter he's already a noble knight rescuing the weak and fighting generic villains. At least you subverted the sidekick trope, nice handling of Lucas. And then the end of the world happened.

It's not all bad. You can still end up with a good story. But you need to immediately take care of some things. Your characters (well, Ken) need to act more realistically. You also need to individualize your characters a bit more, even if they are just villainous thugs. So far the only really good character was Lucas. Think about how you worked him out, and try the same for your other characters. Then, let the plot flow along. Don't be in a hurry to tell everything. Remember that chronological order is not important - the past of the story should be presented in an impactful manner, not dropped all at once via series of flashbacks. You may also want to rethink your characters' deck choices a little bit. I might have said it was actually a good idea, subverting the anime tropes by having certain cards appear in the hands of duelists totally irrelevant to the preconceptions the anime sets for them, but... as I said, the story is taking itself too seriously for such a thing, so yeah.

I'll keep an eye out of this, see if my wall of text is of any help to you. Till then.
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[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1298224439' post='5020935']
This got delayed a little due to various reasons, but never let it be said that I let my readers go unrewarded.

I will read this from scratch, all the way through to chapter 4. When I read, I usually stop at certain 'breakpoints' and take a little break, thinking through what I've just read and absorb it. Now I'll record these thoughts, in order, looking ahead only to check the approximate length of the chapter I'm currently in. Let's go.

[b]Chapter 1, about halfway through[/b]:

Hmm. If I have to draw a conclusion just from this piece, I'd say this: the guy's a good writer. He has a good sense of storytelling, a nice narrative style - he's got the basics down. The world he's trying to build isn't bad, his ideas are somewhat refreshing, and for a story revolving around games, it sounds funky enough to like. But, he's not a good reader. If he was, he'd immediately detect the major problem with this: you never, [i]never[/i] start your story with a big wall of exposition. This is what this basically is. No plot progression, no character development, not even card games - just a basic analysis of what has been going on in the story.

And we don't like that. We want to be 'shown' the story as it evolves. The story isn't just the plot as it goes on now - the story is everything, the past, present, and future of your characters, your world. Many people make the mistake of thinking that their story is just their here and now, and chunk everything about the past in prologue-like chapters (like this), and everything about the future in epilogue-like chapters. That's... not a good way to do things. And by the way, why, oh why is the main character's name Ken?

[b]Chapter 1, finished[/b]:

I had taken a break before because I felt the need to clear my head and prepare for more exposition, but it looks like I was wrong. A few sentences later, the plot starts. And of course, it starts with card games. But for some reason, it starts with card games that have already happened. Now let me explain something: flashbacks are good things. They give depth, subtle exposition, character development. But you can't add depth to something that you haven't really established yet. You've basically filled every last sentence so far with exposition. And you can't develop a character that has not yet appeared in the present. So... a flashback at the start of the story, is not good. Still, it's well-written, and it ends sometime, moving on to the third section of the first chapter. The rest of it, though... I have a thing for characters that are established to be 'special'. Already the main character 'stands out' in the place in. He's already good at card games. He's already standing up for the weak. He's already a noble tragic figure. Unfortunately, that thing I mentioned? Yeah, that thing is that I hate them.

[b]Chapter 2, around 1/3[/b]:

The card game between the already-established good-guy noble-tragic-hero Ken and the bad guy starts. I trust we all know who to root for by this point, right? Right... anyways, the card game starts, and when the villain pops out a key card used in the anime by the protagonist, while it's not necessarily forbidden, it's certainly doesn't give off a good vibe. Explaining more, when you think of Formula Synchron (if you watch 5Ds), you think of bonds, epic buttpull combos, insert songs that everyone likes, glowing red marks. Not some thug that's about to be beaten by a guy named Ken in the first duel of the story. Then more stuff happens that isn't that good. More flaunting of Ken's virtues and the villains' villainry and generic badness. Meh.

[b]Chapter 3, around 2/3[/b]:

I read this one to the end of the duel. The card game action was not the best, but it was good enough to keep me interested. The problem was, once again, the characters. All except the random guy who Ken was fighting for scream stereotypes. For once, it actually makes things [i]better[/i] that their decks are more of a mis-match of random cards barely working together, since it fits with the backstory. But the characters just don't seem to have any connection with their cards. I mentioned that earlier, but most cards have a hidden 'alignment' - they only make sense in a story if someone with specific character traits plays them. Now I know you're going to say that they are just cards and it doesn't matter. But it's a story about cards. It [i]does[/i] matter.

The ending was predictable enough. The flashbacks are slowly getting annoying. There's such a thing as the present. When it's just three chapters and we know more about the past than the present, something's wrong. And the vocabulary troubles me. I mean, I can't even count the times the word 'kid' was repeated in those two chapters, and it's not like you couldn't find suitable substitutes. But I digress. Let's continue.

[b]Chapter 4, around 1/5[/b]:

I do not know if I should have counted it as a breaking point, but just as chapter 4 was starting I stopped. The story had started off good. A good ol' fight about survival in a desolate place, each character having to face their own internal strife along with a variety of other dangers. Sure, the characters were a little bland, sure, the one duel so far was not very exciting, but once the story spread its wings, it could end up as quite the refreshing touch. THEN IT'S ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD AGAIN?!?!

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with a heroic tale about the world ending and heroes trying to stop it. But despite the not-very-subtle-at-all foreshadowing in the first chapter, it didn't have to come into the picture this soon. Your story began as something else, something much more immediate, more direct, and had created certain expectations, and then it all tumbles on its head. In Lucas' own words, suddenly nothing of the brutality, hardship and stuff that you spent most of the former three chapters describing is really important, because HURR DURR IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! And then some paragraphs with description of the main character's habits and stuff happen, which is a good thing, generally, but now it's completely drowned out by the fact that THE WORLD IS ENDING.

[b]Chapter 4, around 3/5[/b]:

And then boldness happened. Whoever said that using bold text in regular storytelling was a good idea, is an idiot. Bold should only be used for emphasis. Italics are acceptable for flashbacks, though not the best. Underlining shouldn't generally be used. The places where you want to emphasize should either be italics (if you are not using them for flashbacks), or, as a last resort, bold. But normal storytelling being in bold? No. Just no. You might as well have colored it red. It's bad. Do not want.

Changing character perspectives is a very good idea, especially when the main character is named Ken and is a generic good guy who fights equally generic villainous people to protect the innocent. I enjoyed reading through Lucas' segments far more, probably because they were also written in third person. I was enjoying it, until World Racing Grand Prix. Then I puked. THE WORD IS RIDING DAMNIT. DON'T WATCH DUB. HATE DUB. BURN DUB. And apparently a duel is going to begin for no better reason than the bad guy being a jerk. Great. At least Lucas has a 'professional' deck. Oh, and did I mention his last name is KENji? Apparently Kens get all the chicks in this story, it's like being a Yu in Yugioh anime.

And then the epic superhero Ken strikes again, saving another hapless dude who is also being called a kid. Kid seems to be a blanket cuss word in Cross Roads, since they also called Lucas that and he was freaking 20 years old. But regardless. The story seems to focus more on making Ken look good and less on actually progressing. At this point, I hate to say it, but I've labeled Ken as a clear Mary Sue. I hate the character, plain and simple. He embodies so many "virtues" of the anime spectrum it's not even funny. He's a loner, he's strong, he stands out because of it, he stands up for weak guys, he fights off generic villains and makes them look silly, he speaks very eloquently and has a 'witty' sarcasm despite the circumstances he grew up in... so yeah. Mary Sue alerts going off all over the place.

[b]Chapter 4, finished[/b]:

I read the last parts of the fourth chapter rather quickly. Two separate card games are going on, which can get sort of frustrating to follow. But thankfully the game between Lucas and Frankie is simple enough. At least Lucas' deck makes sense, whereas Frankie's is... Darkness? I don't want to go into card alignments again, but... you should get the point. And Dimensional Rift is very overpowered. But, anyway. It seems to be going in an interesting direction.

Then our superhero Ken faces off against another generic villain... moves are being made, hand advantage is being pointlessly wasted as in all good anime duels, and the chapter ends with the revelation that the villain is NOT, in fact, another generic villain... he is a generic villain with a plot to stall Ken by exploiting his weakness of wanting to protect other people that was revealed like, what, half an hour ago? And is already established as a weak point. Nice.

---

Well, no, not that nice. I'll be completely honest here - if I hadn't promised to review it, I wouldn't have gotten to the end of this story. It's not a matter of it being bad, because it's not. The writing is good, the plot is decent, it flows well, and despite the main character being a Mary Sue - well, its Yugioh after all. But there is a major problem here. There's too much inconsistency. The story starts by taking itself way too seriously, only to discard that later. The build up is set for Ken to be some sort of dark anti-hero but by the fourth chapter he's already a noble knight rescuing the weak and fighting generic villains. At least you subverted the sidekick trope, nice handling of Lucas. And then the end of the world happened.

It's not all bad. You can still end up with a good story. But you need to immediately take care of some things. Your characters (well, Ken) need to act more realistically. You also need to individualize your characters a bit more, even if they are just villainous thugs. So far the only really good character was Lucas. Think about how you worked him out, and try the same for your other characters. Then, let the plot flow along. Don't be in a hurry to tell everything. Remember that chronological order is not important - the past of the story should be presented in an impactful manner, not dropped all at once via series of flashbacks. You may also want to rethink your characters' deck choices a little bit. I might have said it was actually a good idea, subverting the anime tropes by having certain cards appear in the hands of duelists totally irrelevant to the preconceptions the anime sets for them, but... as I said, the story is taking itself too seriously for such a thing, so yeah.

I'll keep an eye out of this, see if my wall of text is of any help to you. Till then.
[/quote]


First off, there's no doubt that it was of great help. I just finished reading through this a while ago, and while a lot of what you had to say was like "ouch", in a sense that, you hit me with that wall of text at once and essentially tore the story to shreds, I can see that you are right, and I definitely want to improve in almost all the areas you mentioned. I've never considered myself a good writer, though I've been told by many people that I'm not a bad writer at all. All that aside, let's start with some points from Chapter 1 that you mentioned:

- When I started this, I actually liked that setting a lot. The whole "Dark" setting, with Ken as the anti-hero type.

- Now, his name's not Ken. It's "Kaneko Korenaga", I basically went with Ken as a nickname because it sort of fit as a Main Character, no?

- Ken's Deck was the first big issue. I don't like the fact that I gave him a random Deck with random monsters, despite your justification behind it. Even if the cards are random in the Cross Roads, Ken talked about how he'd been able to get good cards through years of dueling, and the one thing I didn't have when I went into this story was a Deck type for Ken. I even know Lucas' Deck Type, and it's one I've had planned out for a while. I'm still struggling to decide on what type of Deck I want Ken to use, and that's been a big part of the delay in posting Episode 5.

- I don't like recaps. Ironic, right? Here's the thing. I wanted to basically give everyone a back story. When I wrote this, I'd sort of spoken it out beforehand, and I saw Ken, sitting in a bar, in a darkened corner, telling this story with eerie cowboy music playing in the background. I'm guessing it didn't relay that way once I typed it out.

- Whose to say that Ken standing up for the weak is how it's always going to be? I do have some character plots in mind that might surprise you. However I do agree that so far, he has been portrayed as generic and that bothers me too. I like Lucas' character better already, and while he is a Main Character, he's not as important to the story as Ken is.

- So he's your typical Yugi/Jaden character. I didn't look at it that way, but the more you explained it, the more it makes sense, and the more I don't like it. How do I go about changing that?

Chapter 2:

- You said the flashbacks are annoying. I only used them twice, one of which was just at the beginning of the episode to recap what happened in the last one.

- With Formula Synchron, I just recently started watching 5D's. I wasn't really watching when I first started this, and I didn't even know Yusei used Formula Synchron until reading about it later. I didn't realize it was an Accel Synchro Monster because I didn't even know what an Accel Synchro Monster was.

- The Duel between Frankie and Ken wasn't the important part.

[spoiler=SPOILER ALERT]As you'll learn in Episode 5, Frankie used those cards on purpose. He plays terribly to set up a move where he throws the opponent off, allowing Kaz to use his cards to win. He wasn't trying to win, just stall long enough to get cards like Token Replication and Copy Plant in the Graveyard. Frankie's Darkness Deck does have reasoning behind it and that will be explained in Episode 5 as well.[/spoiler]

Chapter 3:

- I thought I wrote the Duel okay, but it could have been much better. A big part of the problem is Ken's Deck. It doesn't work the way I want it to. It has no theme, and that takes away from the intensity and the excitement of the Duel.

- I immediately regretted the "End of the World" part. I actually edited Episode 3 during proofreading because I didn't like the ending, and I took out a big piece of it. Now, I'm thinking I could have taken out the entire thing. I've got this story planned out pretty far, but I don't like the "End of the World" part because it was way too early to play that card (no pun intended).

Chapter 4:

- What do you suggest I use in place of the bold letters?

- I was considering changing the story to third person all together, but I didn't know if that would look bad.

- I think Lucas' Duel with Frankie will be much better, but there's some stuff to learn from both, and I plan to make it easy to follow as well.

- Do you have any Deck suggestions for Ken? Something he could use that would allow him to still use cards like Red Eyes Spirit Dragon?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through the story and analyze it as much as you did. I hope you respond to this so that I can get a better understanding and some answers to some of my questions.
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Vector Nightmare Newbie

Vector Nightmare

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[b]First off, there's no doubt that it was of great help. I just finished reading through this a while ago, and while a lot of what you had to say was like "ouch", in a sense that, you hit me with that wall of text at once and essentially tore the story to shreds, I can see that you are right, and I definitely want to improve in almost all the areas you mentioned. I've never considered myself a good writer, though I've been told by many people that I'm not a bad writer at all. All that aside, let's start with some points from Chapter 1 that you mentioned:[/b]

You are a good writer. If you weren't a good writer, I wouldn't bother mentioning half the things I mentioned, because they wouldn't even matter compared to other, glaring flaws. The point is, your writing is good, it's your storytelling that needs refinement. My guess is that you lack the experience of both reading extensively and writing extensively, and thus cannot easily see some things that are just 'too overdone', or don't instinctively follow some 'unspoken rules' about writing. But I digress. We all live to improve.

[b]- When I started this, I actually liked that setting a lot. The whole "Dark" setting, with Ken as the anti-hero type.[/b]

The setting is alright. It's how you worked that setting into nothing else but a grimdark background plot device with no real importance that is the problem.

[b]- Now, his name's not Ken. It's "Kaneko Korenaga", I basically went with Ken as a nickname because it sort of fit as a Main Character, no?[/b]

No. It's really, really not.

[b]- Ken's Deck was the first big issue. I don't like the fact that I gave him a random Deck with random monsters, despite your justification behind it. Even if the cards are random in the Cross Roads, Ken talked about how he'd been able to get good cards through years of dueling, and the one thing I didn't have when I went into this story was a Deck type for Ken. I even know Lucas' Deck Type, and it's one I've had planned out for a while. I'm still struggling to decide on what type of Deck I want Ken to use, and that's been a big part of the delay in posting Episode 5.[/b]

Oh, really? And here I gave you credit for an original, good idea =/.

[b]- I don't like recaps. Ironic, right? Here's the thing. I wanted to basically give everyone a back story. When I wrote this, I'd sort of spoken it out beforehand, and I saw Ken, sitting in a bar, in a darkened corner, telling this story with eerie cowboy music playing in the background. I'm guessing it didn't relay that way once I typed it out.[/b]

Well it did kinda work. Until it stretched out so long I thought I'd fall asleep in that dark corner.

[b]- Whose to say that Ken standing up for the weak is how it's always going to be? I do have some character plots in mind that might surprise you. However I do agree that so far, he has been portrayed as generic and that bothers me too. I like Lucas' character better already, and while he is a Main Character, he's not as important to the story as Ken is.[/b]

Your first sentence is missing one important point: I do not know, and I will never know, how it's 'always' going to be. Only you know that. I only know what I've read so far. And I base whether I like the story or not, whether I will continue reading it or not, on just that. If, say, your story was a published book, and I read up to this point, I wouldn't think "hey, maybe this Ken guy will stop being such a goody two-shoes and kick some interest into the story, even though everything thus far indicates he won't". I'll think "what a boring character" and probably drop it.

[b]- So he's your typical Yugi/Jaden character. I didn't look at it that way, but the more you explained it, the more it makes sense, and the more I don't like it. How do I go about changing that?[/b]

That's for to you to figure out, based on the rest of your characters, and how you want the plot to progress. Tbh it wasn't that bad with Lucas. I only pointed it out then because I feared - and I was right - that you were going to make it a recurring event. When he jumped in to save that random kid [i]even though he had just expressed how he didn't like to do that earlier[/i] and [i]even though he was already pressed for time to finish his previous rescue mission[/i]... it was not only bad writing, it was also inconsistent.

[b]- You said the flashbacks are annoying. I only used them twice, one of which was just at the beginning of the episode to recap what happened in the last one.[/b]

Flashbacks aren't annoying by themselves. But when you start the story with flashbacks, then you have some plot, then more flashbacks, then some plot, then some more flashbacks to relate to what is going on in the plot... that's what's annoying.

[b]- With Formula Synchron, I just recently started watching 5D's. I wasn't really watching when I first started this, and I didn't even know Yusei used Formula Synchron until reading about it later. I didn't realize it was an Accel Synchro Monster because I didn't even know what an Accel Synchro Monster was.[/b]

Hmm, I guess you can be forgiven then. Although, really, if you check for a card on wiki (there's an 'Appearances' as well as 'Trivia' tags where you can get related information), and you see that this card has an already established, important presence in the anime, it'd be good to check it out before using it.

[b]- The Duel between Frankie and Ken wasn't the important part.

[spoiler=SPOILER ALERT]As you'll learn in Episode 5, Frankie used those cards on purpose. He plays terribly to set up a move where he throws the opponent off, allowing Kaz to use his cards to win. He wasn't trying to win, just stall long enough to get cards like Token Replication and Copy Plant in the Graveyard. Frankie's Darkness Deck does have reasoning behind it and that will be explained in Episode 5 as well.[/spoiler][/b]

I kind of already got that part but... like I said, I judge by what I read. I'm not in your head. I'm not reading episode 3 and thinking "man, this is bad, but I'm sure that chapter 5 will explain it all and make it better". All I read about was two generic villains getting beaten badly by a noble hero protagonist with a tragic past. Which is about a dozen tropes stacked on top of each other.

[b]Chapter 3:

- I thought I wrote the Duel okay, but it could have been much better. A big part of the problem is Ken's Deck. It doesn't work the way I want it to. It has no theme, and that takes away from the intensity and the excitement of the Duel.[/b]

Well, I'll give you a few pointers on deck construction. I'm not following them too closely in 'Dead Zone', because I mostly use 'competitive' (of sorts) decks there, but they're useful.

• Figure out the win condition. What does the main character need to do to win? Summon his ace monster? Swarm? Burn? Deckout? Fusion? Synchro? Write down the details about it.
• Design (or decide on, if they are not custom) on his key cards. Anime duels don't run like normal duels. There need to be a few key cards, something to 'represent' the character. They don't have to be monsters, but it's better if they are.
• Design (or decide on) support for those cards, and support for the victory condition.
• Design (or decide on) a few more cards that are not directly related to that victory condition, but you feel fit the character and his personality or general fighting style, and / or can be used to create interesting situations in duels he is going to participate in (avoid contrived, situational cards though).
• Stack them all together. You'll probably end up with more cards than you need. That's alright. You don't have to use everything at once. It'll be good if the character does not use the same combos two duels in a row... for example 5Ds quickly got boring when Yusei summoned his Stardust every single duel.

[b]- I immediately regretted the "End of the World" part. I actually edited Episode 3 during proofreading because I didn't like the ending, and I took out a big piece of it. Now, I'm thinking I could have taken out the entire thing. I've got this story planned out pretty far, but I don't like the "End of the World" part because it was way too early to play that card (no pun intended).[/b]

Exactly. Don't rush. If you were up-to-date with 'Dead Zone', I'd use some examples from there. Try reading it - I believe I did a pretty good job with the build-up.

[b]Chapter 4:

- What do you suggest I use in place of the bold letters?[/b]

Nothing. We're smart enough to figure out what's going on without them, trust us. And I'd suggest dropping them from the flashbacks as well.

[b]- I was considering changing the story to third person all together, but I didn't know if that would look bad.[/b]

Third person is generally better, but first person works here. You should leave it as is - never a good idea to switch perspectives mid-story. But keep first person only for Ken.

[b]- I think Lucas' Duel with Frankie will be much better, but there's some stuff to learn from both, and I plan to make it easy to follow as well.[/b]

Yeah, I liked Lucas' duel the best.

[b]- Do you have any Deck suggestions for Ken? Something he could use that would allow him to still use cards like Red Eyes Spirit Dragon?[/b]

Eh. I'm really focusing on real-life cards atm. I'm resolving to write 'Dead Zone' without any custom cards at all (except a few very specific ones, but they are a secret) as a challenge, so I'm kind of 'not in the groove' of making custom cards for a story right now. You can browse around Written Cards (since the quality there is much better than Realistic Cards) or even make a contest and I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for.

[b]Thank you so much for taking the time to read through the story and analyze it as much as you did. I hope you respond to this so that I can get a better understanding and some answers to some of my questions.[/b]

No problem. I always try to respond to stuff, though I may be late at times due to various obligations.

EDIT: Quotes are messed up due to number, so you'll have to do with bolds instead.
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[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1298245089' post='5021747']

You are a good writer. If you weren't a good writer, I wouldn't bother mentioning half the things I mentioned, because they wouldn't even matter compared to other, glaring flaws. The point is, your writing is good, it's your storytelling that needs refinement. My guess is that you lack the experience of both reading extensively and writing extensively, and thus cannot easily see some things that are just 'too overdone', or don't instinctively follow some 'unspoken rules' about writing. But I digress. We all live to improve.

[b]I'm a better writer than I am reader. Sometimes, I find it difficult to sit and read something, but for me to write, well I can write for hours usually without a problem. Some stories are an exception, but for the most part, I don't have the focus to sit and read something and maintain interest.[/b]

The setting is alright. It's how you worked that setting into nothing else but a grimdark background plot device with no real importance that is the problem.

[b]Well that's not true. It will have important and play into the plot, however I understand that like you said, that should be established earlier, because as the writer I need to make it so that you, the reader, will want to read the next episode, otherwise you'll never know what's going to happen next.[/b]

Oh, really? And here I gave you credit for an original, good idea =/.

[b]Sorry ):[/b]

Well it did kinda work. Until it stretched out so long I thought I'd fall asleep in that dark corner.

[b]I guess I didn't want to leave out any important details. It would have been kind of confusing to the reader if I tried to tell the story in flashback (as present), and then go twelve years later to current time with Kaneko's story.[/b]

Your first sentence is missing one important point: I do not know, and I will never know, how it's 'always' going to be. Only you know that. I only know what I've read so far. And I base whether I like the story or not, whether I will continue reading it or not, on just that. If, say, your story was a published book, and I read up to this point, I wouldn't think "hey, maybe this Ken guy will stop being such a goody two-shoes and kick some interest into the story, even though everything thus far indicates he won't". I'll think "what a boring character" and probably drop it.

[b]Right, like I just said. That was my mistake, as I was writing it with the expectation that people would come back and read the next one, as opposed to trying to convince people that that's what they should do.[/b]

That's for to you to figure out, based on the rest of your characters, and how you want the plot to progress. Tbh it wasn't that bad with Lucas. I only pointed it out then because I feared - and I was right - that you were going to make it a recurring event. When he jumped in to save that random kid [i]even though he had just expressed how he didn't like to do that earlier[/i] and [i]even though he was already pressed for time to finish his previous rescue mission[/i]... it was not only bad writing, it was also inconsistent.

[b]I like Lucas, and I like his character. I thought that Ken saving Lucas was a good way to sort of make him "evolve" into the Main Hero, but I know I've got my work cut out for me. It was predictable and cliche and looking at it now, it was just bad storytelling.[/b]

Flashbacks aren't annoying by themselves. But when you start the story with flashbacks, then you have some plot, then more flashbacks, then some plot, then some more flashbacks to relate to what is going on in the plot... that's what's annoying.

[b]Right, I understand. So cut out flashbacks all together, or use them less?[/b]

Hmm, I guess you can be forgiven then. Although, really, if you check for a card on wiki (there's an 'Appearances' as well as 'Trivia' tags where you can get related information), and you see that this card has an already established, important presence in the anime, it'd be good to check it out before using it.

[b]Right. Well, when I had first started writing I didn't have much interest in 5D's at all, and a card like Formula Synchron which ultimately is not very good, I didn't think it played any relevant role. Especially since this is supposed to take place 50 years after 5D's, I suppose it would have made sense if I made the card more important than it was.[/b]

The Duel between Frankie and Ken wasn't the important part.

[b]Right, it was just a way to set up the rest of the Duel.[/b]

Well, I'll give you a few pointers on deck construction. I'm not following them too closely in 'Dead Zone', because I mostly use 'competitive' (of sorts) decks there, but they're useful.

• Figure out the win condition. What does the main character need to do to win? Summon his ace monster? Swarm? Burn? Deckout? Fusion? Synchro? Write down the details about it.
• Design (or decide on, if they are not custom) on his key cards. Anime duels don't run like normal duels. There need to be a few key cards, something to 'represent' the character. They don't have to be monsters, but it's better if they are.
• Design (or decide on) support for those cards, and support for the victory condition.
• Design (or decide on) a few more cards that are not directly related to that victory condition, but you feel fit the character and his personality or general fighting style, and / or can be used to create interesting situations in duels he is going to participate in (avoid contrived, situational cards though).
• Stack them all together. You'll probably end up with more cards than you need. That's alright. You don't have to use everything at once. It'll be good if the character does not use the same combos two duels in a row... for example 5Ds quickly got boring when Yusei summoned his Stardust every single duel.

Exactly. Don't rush. If you were up-to-date with 'Dead Zone', I'd use some examples from there. Try reading it - I believe I did a pretty good job with the build-up.

[b]It's very well written. I just don't have the time or the patience to sit and read 20 episodes in one day. I just can't do it. So I'm reading an episode each day to sort of catch up.[/b]

Nothing. We're smart enough to figure out what's going on without them, trust us. And I'd suggest dropping them from the flashbacks as well.

[b]Dropping the bold or the italics?[/b]

Third person is generally better, but first person works here. You should leave it as is - never a good idea to switch perspectives mid-story. But keep first person only for Ken.

[b]Okay. I wasn't sure if it was "good" to use both in one story.[/b]

Yeah, I liked Lucas' duel the best.

[b]Same. That one is one that I think will surprise a lot of readers, but perhaps not.[/b]

Eh. I'm really focusing on real-life cards atm. I'm resolving to write 'Dead Zone' without any custom cards at all (except a few very specific ones, but they are a secret) as a challenge, so I'm kind of 'not in the groove' of making custom cards for a story right now. You can browse around Written Cards (since the quality there is much better than Realistic Cards) or even make a contest and I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for.

[b]Fair enough. I like to have the Main Characters use some Custom Cards, and mainly have the antagonists use real cards.[/b]

No problem. I always try to respond to stuff, though I may be late at times due to various obligations.

[b]It's still appreciated either way.[/b]
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[spoiler=Episode 5: Running Out of Time Part Two]

“Fancy a challenge, Arachno?” The tall, overly-built man sitting on the couch perked up as he heard the request. Done flipping through the channels for the time being, he turned off the television and tilted his head to the side, just enough so his right eye was facing the face of the man behind him.
“A challenge? What’s that? I’m unfamiliar.” Arachno spoke in a simplistic, yet arrogant tone, bringing forth a slight smile from the man across the room.
“Ah yes, that’s right.” The man sighed. “No one can provide a challenge to the great Arachno; how silly of me.”
“What is it you want?” He didn’t like to be bothered, but he had a feeling he knew what was coming, and there was nothing on TV, so perhaps it wouldn’t kill him to go out and have a little fun. He’d play along with the old guy, for now.
“See I hate to interrupt your busy schedule, but I thought you might be interested in at least hearing what I’ve got to say.” The man paused, letting it sink in.
“For the right price, something can be worked out.” Arachno replied, gritting his teeth as they were hidden by the darkness of the room.
“Of course,” he replied. “I’m not a fool.”
“Then go on.” He hated these overly formal discussions. If Arachno had it his way, the old man would leave him alone, and there’d just be a “TO DO” bulletin board on the wall; he’d take care of everything in a matter of hours and go back to his relaxation.
“I know you’re well aware of our plan.” The man spoke. “So far, everything has worked out quite nicely. A great plan is never without a couple of road blocks, but it’s nothing we haven’t taken care of. Currently, multiple agents are stationed in the Cross Roads, and it seems as though a couple of nobodies have found the inspiration to try and rise against us.” This time it was the man who gritted his teeth, and Arachno could see it quite clearly. “That cannot be allowed.”
“So you’re afraid of a couple of good for nothing punks?” He inquired. “Man, it seems you guys are losing your touch.” Arachno let out a laugh. He heard a slight grunt, but it was expected.
“Very funny,” the man snapped. “If anything, we’re stronger than ever before. I didn’t say we were worried, but I feel as if taking that extra precaution, just in case, is the most effective way to go about it. We are not allowed to fail, Arachno, and you know that.”
He was right. Failure would not be tolerated, and as tough and arrogant as Arachno portrayed himself to be, he did answer to someone, and that someone would be very disappointed should he not succeed.
“I’ve got no problem having a laugh at your expensive, Kato.” He smiled. “But when it comes down to it, I’d be glad to go out and have some fun. So what’ll it be? You think your punks will fail in taking these brats out?”
“Essentially, yes,” came the response. “There’s a reason our lowest agents are stationed at the Cross Roads as opposed to being stationed here, where the center of our plan is focused. I’d like you to take a trip. Pay the Cross Roads a visit, and by whatever means necessary, ensure these two do not succeed in making it to New Domino City. Are you capable of that much?”
Arachno laughed. “Capable? I’ve had more of a challenge making a sandwich then I’ll have dealing with these losers.”
He stood, and Kato remained in place. “Just be careful, Arachno. After all, you know best, it is a tangled web we weave.”
*************************************************************************

Frankie drew his card. “My move.” It felt like something out of a horror movie as the dark glow surrounding Darkness Bramble took the form of a pool. Of what Lucas couldn’t be sure, but it began to bubble, and from it shot out two vines, dawned in razor sharp thorns. The vines latched onto the ground, pulling up a plant comprised of a small, root-like body, and a black vice grip. Eerily, it settled right next to the Darkness Bramble on the field.
“Wh…what [i]is[/i] that thing?” Lucas’ eyes were locked on the creature, his mind full of confusion. He’d never faced an opponent like this, and for one like Frankie, who he’d underestimated from the start of the game, to have him in this kind of a lock just turns in, victory seemed unrealistic.
“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” Frankie grinned. “And in a way, you have! With Darkness Seed offered in sacrifice to bring out the all-powerful Darkness Bramble. And just like me, his sacrifice is not in vein, as now he comes back stronger, unstoppable, reborn!”
“[i]Just like me? What does he mean by that?[/i]” Lucas stood his ground, despite the insurmountable odds he now faced. Now more than ever, he couldn’t afford to back down.
“Speechless, it seems. You think you’re here to solve a problem? There’s so much more going on that you’ll ever understand! Some of us spend our lives in misery, more than struggling to get by! We don’t all get the opportunity like you do!”
“Opportunity? You think I just –”
“I didn’t ask, and I don’t care!” The flower began to emerge again, and Lucas could tell Darkness Bramble was preparing to attack. “Now feel the misery I am forced to feel! Darkness Bramble, attack with Darkness Petal!” The razor sharp petals were fired again, but this time Lucas wasn’t going down without a fight.
“Not so fast!” Cyber Valley vanished from the field. “I activate Cyber Valley’s special ability! By removing it from play, I can negate your attack and end the Battle Phase!”
Frankie watched, irritated, but smiled moments later. He didn’t care. There were only 10:00 left on the timer, and he couldn’t be damaged. Delaying the battle only hurried the process. “Hmph.”
“Not impressed?” Lucas inquired. “How about this? When Cyber Valley’s effect resolves, I can draw a card from my Deck!”
“It doesn’t matter. Even if you pulled together a huge combo that could somehow take out my monsters, by the time you manage to pull it off, the timer will expire, and the security will arrive. It’s a lose-lose situation!”
“Well then,” Lucas grinned. “I guess I’m in a bit of a time crunch. Let’s not waste any time, shall we?” He drew a second card, and glanced over his hand. The timer was at 9:45. He had to hurry if he stood any chance at all. He wondered about Ken for a moment, but quickly turned his full attention back to the duel. “[i]Awesome. This is just what I needed. It’s time to kick this duel into high gear.[/i]”
“Let’s see you try.”
“Ask and you shall receive! Come on out, Cyber Dragon (2100/1600)!” Beams of fluorescent light appeared in a circular formation, spinning around as the large mechanical dragon, better known as Cyber Dragon, flew into the air.
Lucas watched Frankie’s reaction intently, hoping to see some sign of fear, but there was nothing. In fact, it looked as if he smiled slightly.
“[i]What’s with this guy? He’s no longer that snotty, stereotypical joke he was when Ken dueled him. This all feels so…something’s not right.[/i]” Lucas gritted his teeth as he looked over his hand. “No reaction, huh? Let’s change that! Cyber Dragon, destroy his Darkness Bramble with Strident Blast!” The dragon roared as a beam of energy charged within its mouth. It fired the beam towards the Darkness Bramble, which tried to use its vines as a shield, to no avail as it exploded into pixels.

[b]Frankie’s Life Points[/b]: (-100) 3900

“What’s the matter with you?!” There was still nothing, no sign of emotion at all on Frankie’s face. He just watched the duel intently, as Lucas shifted his eyes back and forth across the field. Frankie had no face-down cards, and his Darkness Seed surely wasn’t strong enough to take out his Cyber Dragon. So what was keeping him from starting to worry?
“Nothing’s the matter with me,” Frankie replied. “You see, I have nothing to lose. You’ve got 9:00 left on the clock, and you’ve only barely damaged my Life Points. Once you lose, however, you’ll find yourself on the losing end…permanently.”
“Fine, if you’re going to continue to speak in cryptic, I’m just going to ignore it and focus on winning this game! I’ll set one card face-down, and end my turn!”
Frankie grinned, and the dark glow that had surrounded Darkness Bramble earlier, was now surrounding Darkness Seed in the same manner. “I’m pleased to see you’ve finished, but your turn’s not quite over.” Lucas watched in shock as Frankie’s Life Points restored to 4000.
“What in the world? How is that possible?!” Lucas asked rhetorically. “Your Darkness Bramble was destroyed, how can you use its recovery effect?”
Frankie laughed, then sighed. “You’ll never learn. Do you think this is a one card Deck? Every card in my Deck serves a purpose; every card can win either on its own, or with the help of others. Unlike your kind, I don’t rely on just one card.”
“What do you mean?”
“Darkness Bramble was effective, yes, but Darkness Seed is a card I can relate to much more.” He explained. “Darkness Seed was played, sacrificed for power, and had to bide its time in the Graveyard, waiting for the right moment to come back to life, more powerful than ever.” There was the dark glow again, getting stronger and more powerful in appearance as Frankie continued to speak. “When Darkness Seed is Special Summoned from the Graveyard, it comes back to the field with multiple special effects!”
“Once of which is the same as...” Lucas didn’t bother finishing his sentence.
“The same as that of Darkness Bramble.” Frankie responded, a smile on his face. “Now you’re catching on. I told you when this duel started that there was no way for you to damage me, never mind defeat me. That, that is how my Deck relates to my life. After a point, you take so much damage, that nothing hurts you anymore.”
“I…I don’t understand. This whole time, you’ve been mentioning hurt, and darkness, who [i]are[/i] you? What makes you so different from everyone else?” Lucas asked. He was starting to get the feeling that he was facing someone far more complex than he’d originally thought.
Frankie smiled. “It’s none of your business. But I’ll tell you anyway.” The clock was at 8:22, and Frankie could kill an extra minute telling his story, which would only benefit him in the long run.

“It all started four years ago. I was sixteen at the time.” Frankie paused, and it almost looked as if tears were coming to his eyes. He wiped them away. “My parents were always so distant from me. I was their son, yet I never felt like it. I’d come home from school to see them, and they’d start to yell at me, or ignore me completely. There was never any love, any compassion, nothing. The years went by, and we continued to grow apart, to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I ran away from home, seeking shelter in alleyways and on the streets, fearing for my own life but unable to handle the lack of feeling, lack of emotion. I didn’t have food, I didn’t have the strength to duel, I had nothing. And one day…I met Kato.”

[i]“What do you want? Leave me alone!” Frankie shouted as the man approached him. He was sitting under a street light, and being late at night, there was no one around. In his hands the man held a Deck of Duel Monsters cards. Frankie had some of his own, but these seemed different, the entire Deck was surrounded by a dark glow, it had a sense of darkness all its own, one that felt somewhat calming.
“Don’t worry; I’m not going to hurt you.” Kato spoke quietly, not wanting to scare him. “What’re you doing out on the street, huh?”
“It’s none of your business! Go, get out of here!” Frankie shouted, overwhelmed with the feeling of fear. “Leave me alone!”
“I’ll go…but you should know, I’ve got the means to get you out of this life, and allow you to be happy, to realize what true happiness really is.” The footsteps sounded louder than normal in the silence as Kato begin to walk away.
“Wait!” Frankie called out. “I’ll do anything! I can’t take this anymore! Please, please get me out of here!”
Kato stopped in his tracks, smiling, unbeknownst to Frankie. “That’s much better. Here, take these.”
“Wha…what’s this?” Frankie asked as Kato handed him the Deck of cards.
“This is your new Deck,” Kato went on. “Consider it a gift. Just like these cards, you too can bring yourself out of the darkness. People threw you away, treated you like you were meaningless, but you’re stronger than that, just like these cards. You and this Deck are one in the same, and I know you will make good use of it.”[/i]

Lucas listened, silent as the clock read 7:30. “It was on that day I met Kato, that my life changed for the better. I got through the ridicule and the hardship, and I owe it all to him.”
“You call this happiness?” Lucas shouted. “Dueling here, being stuck here in the Cross Roads, taking out your anger on others? What you’re doing now is no better than what your parents did to you!”
That struck a nerve. Lucas realized it as anger overtook his opponent, and the signs of sadness were gone.
“That’s enough! You’re going to pay for your insolence! It’s now my move! I activate the Spell Card Darkfire Draw!” A small ball of molten lava struck Frankie right in the chest, dealing him six hundred points of damage.

[b]Frankie’s Life Points[/b]: (-600): 3400

He shook it off, and drew a card from his Deck. “By taking six hundred points of damage, I can draw one card. And don’t worry, it won’t hurt me in the long run, because when my turn ends, I’ll be right back at 4000!”
6:40 on the timer. There wasn’t much time left at all. There was nothing he could do to speed up Frankie’s turn; he’d agreed to this duel and now his chances of winning looked worse than ever before.
“But I’m not done yet.” Frankie placed a card in his Spell/Trap Card Zone. “I activate the Spell Card Dark Deception!” A hand emerged from the card, and shot across the field towards Lucas’ duel disk. It pulled Cyber Phoenix from his Graveyard, but it wasn’t Cyber Phoenix. It was a shadowed, evil version of the bird.
“Cyber Phoenix!” Lucas shouted, looking up at the creature. He turned his attention back to Frankie. “What’re you up to?”
“With Dark Deception, my Darkness Seed can gain attack points equal to the attack points of one monster in your Graveyard until the End Phase, and I’ve chosen your Cyber Phoenix, meaning my monster gains 1200 points!”
The shadows swallowed the creature, and its energy was added to the aura around Darkness Seed.

[b]Darkness Seed (ATK)[/b]: (+1200) 2200

“[i]Oh no! That thing can take out my dragon![/i]” Lucas braced for attack. He almost felt bad for Frankie. His story was saddening, and what was worse, the so-called redemption was anything but. It was clear whoever this “Kato” was, was using him. Kato hadn’t come up in the computer, but that much was obvious. With the information Lucas knew, they had plenty of leads, but this put an even bigger twist on things. He had to win. There was no way around it. And he only had one shot to do it.
“Darkness Seed, destroy his Cyber Dragon with Crushing Darkness!” The creature leapt in the air, shooting a plethora of vines at Lucas’ monster. “Not this time!” Lucas stuck his arm out, and his face-down card revealed itself. “Go, Attack Reflector Unit!” The vines were stopped just seconds away from Cyber Dragon, as hundreds of mirrors surrounded the creature, towering over the field. It fired a Strident Blast at one mirror, and it quickly reflected back, hitting each mirror, until all the mirrors targeted Cyber Dragon, hitting it with a huge burst of light. As the light faded, a larger dragon comprised of metal, and this one with a shield around its neck, appeared on the field.
“Where’d it go?! How did you—”
“It’s simple! You’re focused on nothing but inflicting pain because you think it makes things better! But while you were confident in yourself, I spent my time putting together a one-shot move that might be able to finish you off! And it starts with my Cyber Barrier Dragon (800/2800), and I’ll play it in attack mode!”
Frankie laughed, but this time it didn’t have the same effect on Lucas as it did earlier. “Why play in attack mode? Have you finally given up? Have you finally realized that sometimes, you have to work for things!” Anger. It was all Frankie was about. His Deck made sense. He’d played his other Deck to allow Kaz to pull off big moves, that much made sense. But his true personality was all about revenge, revenge on the world for making him the way he was. And it had foolishly led him right into a trap.
“Not quite, see like your Darkness Seed, Cyber Barrier Dragon has a special ability! It can negate your monster’s attack!” A shield of light surrounded Lucas’ field, and Darkness Seed withdrew its vines.
The timer read 3:00. “Go ahead, try your best. You’ve got no time left, anyway. And now that my turn is over, my Life Points return to 4000!”

[b]Frankie’s Life Points[/b]: (+600) 4000

“[i]It’s all or nothing here. If he’s got nothing in his hand to stop me, I can take him out. Come on, let’s do this, it’s all about the timing![/i]” Lucas drew a card. “Exactly what I needed!” That caught Frankie’s attention, just like he’d intended it to. “I activate the Spell Card Shield and Sword!”
“What’s the point? My monster’s got—” Frankie silenced. “Wait, no way!”

[b]Cyber Barrier Dragon (ATK)[/b]: (+2000) 2800
[b]Darkness Seed (ATK)[/b]: (+0) 1000

“Our stats switch, meaning my Cyber Barrier Dragon goes from a defensive powerhouse, to the strongest monster on the field!” 2:35 left. “Let’s see how you like it! Cyber Barrier Dragon, attack his Darkness Seed and light up the field with Energy Burst!” A huge blast of energy began to charge in the Dragon’s mouth, but it didn’t fire.
“Go ahead and attack,” Frankie laughed cockily. “It doesn’t matter. My Darkness Seed can’t be destroyed by battle, and you’ll only be stalling time! This duel is over, just accept it!”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Lucas revealed a card in his hand. “Check this out, it’s a Spell Card called Limiter Removal!” He didn’t have to explain the effect; Frankie knew the card. The energy inside the dragon’s mouth doubled in size, and winds blew across the field as the Darkness Seed struggled to hold its ground.

[b]Cyber Barrier Dragon (ATK)[/b]: (x2) 5600

“Your monster’s safe, sure, but your Life Points aren’t! Cyber Barrier Dragon, hit him for 4600 points of damage and end this duel!” It finally fired the blast, and while Darkness Seed remained intact, Frankie was sent crashing back into the wall by the force of the attack, and the alarm deactivated.

[b]Frankie’s Life Points[/b]: (-4600) 0

“You play quite a game.” Lucas laughed, leaning forward as he struggled to catch his breath. “You know, you’re not half bad. You only lost because you duel for the wrong reasons.”
“Who…who are you to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong?” Frankie struggled to sit up against the wall, finally doing so. The roles had reversed, and now it was Frankie who’d been beaten up while Lucas stood tall.
“No one, really.” He smiled. “All I’m saying is, maybe the way you go about things here…I don’t know. I just don’t think you’re that bad of a guy. But you’re right, it’s not my business. I’ll be on my way then.” He advanced towards the door, wondering whether or not Frankie would try to stop him, yet knowing he wouldn’t.

Frankie sat, his cards scattered around him, and almost managed a half-smile.

Lucas had to find Ken, and he had to find him fast. Otherwise he’d have no choice but to leave without him. It wasn’t safe here.

*************************************************************************

Arachno sat atop his Duel Runner as the garage door opened. His face adorned with sunglasses, the reflection of the runner, black with a metallic green spider printed upon it, was somewhat visible in them.
“Heh. These guys are so bad, they’ve finally had to ask me for help.” He laughed. “I’d rather be done with them, but that part will come in due time. For now, I’m going to play along, I’m gonna have some fun with these brats.”

He stepped on the gas, taking off down the populated city street, headed towards the Cross Roads...

*************************************************************************

I didn’t have much time. I’d made myself out to be a coward, an easily manipulated fool who they’d been able to take advantage of. That wasn’t me, and by becoming that person, by allowing that side of me to show, I’d already backed myself into a corner. The Stygian Servants was intimidating, but if he wanted brutality, I could bring brutality.

After all, the Cross Roads has a reputation for violence. Rather than run away, I’d bring the fight head on, and destroy these clowns.

It was time to finish this duel.

[b]To be continued...[/b][/spoiler]

Episode 5. I decided not to finish both duels in this episode because like Saber pointed out, it would be difficult to follow. I think this Episode was the best yet, but maybe that's just me. Let me know what you guys think.
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Vector Nightmare Newbie

Vector Nightmare

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Alright, so now I'll start reviewing chapter 5 -

- wait.

There's something wrong.

WHERE IS THE PARAGRAPHING?!?!

Why, oh why, when the story up till now was neatly paragraphed and divided, did you suddenly botch around half the chapter in a single text wall?

I won't pretend to see the logic behind this, but... always separate your chapters into paragraphs. Even if there was a good way to make indents work (WHICH THERE ISN'T), I'd still go for paragraphs. Reading on a computer screen is vastly different than reading a book.

ANYWAYS.

It's not that huge a problem, and for whichever reasons paragraphs make a glorious comeback near the end, so... ok.

So the chapter begins with a guy called Arachno.

...is something wrong with that?

Epic amounts of obscure dialogue follows, most of it revolving around THE PLAN. There's nothing bad about that. But the way those two meticulously avoid going into specifics makes it rather lulzworthy. It seems as if the dialogue is specifically done that way to draw the readers' attention - the natural thing to do would be either to briefly mention the background, which they are both familiar with, and then go straight to the point, or otherwise outright discuss their plan. This way of semi-exposition is rather convoluted for my liking.

There were some minor problems with the Lucas vs Frankie scene, mostly details concerning sentence structure that was a little off at times (“And in a way, you have! With Darkness Seed offered in sacrifice to bring out the all-powerful Darkness Bramble. And just like me, his sacrifice is not in vein, as now he comes back stronger, unstoppable, reborn!” - check the second sentence), but it is not significant. Overall, that duel flowed very well. The flashback was nicely done, although I could not quite relate to Frankie's character as a whole.

The ending was simply epic. Winning with a combo of Cyber Barrier Dragon, Shield and Sword, and Limiter Removal was very, very unexpected to me, and an awesome twist. The ending was also really good, though I didn't like Frankie's 'redemption', it felt rather rushed, and in my view it was way too early for something like that.

IT'S CALLED D-WHEEL DAMNIT NO MORE DUB NO MORE ARRRGHHHHH

The highlight of this chapter was definitely the duel - I enjoyed it thoroughly, and indeed, it was better duel writing than any you've shown so far. The rest had some weaknesses, I think, but it was still pretty good.

Keep it up.
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A20thCenturyBoy Newbie

A20thCenturyBoy

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[spoiler=Chapter 4: Lucky Four-leaf Clover]
[b]Alright, after a long break, we're back. We've decided to review Star's [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/238955-yugioh-cross-roads-new-episode-4-running-out-of-time-part-1-posted-pg-13]Yugioh: Cross Roads[/url]. I've seen Star's work before, so I don't expect this to be terrible at all, and a pretty good read. Let's just hope I'm not wrong. [/b]


For some reason, one I’ve never been able to understand, people seem to believe that in life, they have a purpose.

[b]Dio: Ours, for example, is to suffer.

Daisuke: Oh, no, people have no purpose in life at all. We just live life and procreate, and teach the next generation, all for the hell of it.[/b]

It’s a common perception amongst people of all races, cultures, regardless of how you classify them.

[b]Dio: Except for the Canadians.

Daisuke: DIO!

Dio: Ok, ok, I recant my Canuck crack.

Daisuke: Yeah, Canadians believe they have a purpose. But apparently this guy is not of any race, or culture, because he doesn't believe in purpose.[/b]

As much as I want to believe it, and I’ve tried, I find myself questioning the validity behind it.
[b]Dio: GET A JOB THEN, YOU LAZY CARD-GAMING BUM!

Daisuke: You can't 'try' to have a purpose if you don't know what the hell it is. You can look for your purpose, but don't just be an idiot and say "Well, I've tried looking for my purpose, but I can't find it, so it must not exist." [/b]

Every morning I wake up, and every night I go to sleep, and rarely does anything happen that makes me feel different, or makes me feel like something I’ve done is relevant in the grand scheme of things.

[b]Dio: It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny~

Daisuke: Something tells me he's going to be proven wrong sometime around the middle of this chapter.[/b]

Maybe it’s just me.

[b]Dio: I agree. DAISUKE! Grab my iPOD. I need some Bowling for Soup to counter the depressing truth.

Daisuke: You think it may be your alternate persona as well? You just said every race and culture seems to believe there is a purpose in life, and now you think MAYBE it's just you?[/b]

We don’t like outsiders here.

[b]Dio: Well, I'll just be on my-

Daisuke: STAY.

Dio: -way to get a drink, cause I'm staying right here!

Daisuke: Good, now for the real point...how did the topic shift from philosophy to "we don't take kindly to strangers around here"?[/b]

The Cross-Roads is the place, the one place on this earth, where absolutely no one cares.

[b]Dio: Where everybody knows your name~

Daisuke: Yes, only on this particular type of earth, because there are still places like that in other locations on Earth.[/b]

It’s not even on maps.

[b]Dio: Well, if you go to Google...

Daisuke: Wait, so people can't go there by following a map...but the people there don't take kindly to outsiders, the very very few that would get lost and stumble upon this Godforsaken town. These people are mean.[/b]

Here, the law doesn’t exist.

[b]Dio: Well, no one has to go to Hawk Penitentiary then.

Daisuke: At least, we don't. We already reviewed that monstrosity. Also, just pointing out that a place with no laws probably isn't the best place to live, and most people are either going to be robbed, killed, and/or raped.[/b]

There are criminals running around all over the place, but if you’re here, you accept it.

[b]Dio: They're lovable rouges, aren't they?

Daisuke: Hahah, yeah, until they break into your house and steal your every belonging, leaving you to die of hunger.[/b]

The Officials don’t care, and why should they? Everyone who is here, is here because there’s nowhere else for them to be.

[b]Dio: But they're somewhere.

Daisuke: If there's no law, why the hell are there Officials? They're usually there to...um...enforce the law.[/b]

The name’s Kaneko, but they call me Ken.

[b]Dio: Hey, Ken. How's Ryu these days?

Daisuke: "Yeah, those rogues and thieves that steal and plunder all know me by name, we're really tight."[/b]

I don’t get it.

[b]Dio: See, it's a reference to a video game series called Street Fighter.

Daisuke: Or it could just be Kenny is lacking in attention so badly due to where he lives , he makes up all these imaginary friends that all call him Ken.[/b]

I don’t get the appeal of a normal life, because I’ve never lived it.

[b]Dio: It's...er...well it's-you got me there.

Daisuke: It's weird because his life WOULD be normal to him. Thus by saying he has never lived a "normal life", he is basically just stating here that he is a shut-in who spends all day with his imaginary friends.[/b]

I was seven years old when my parents abandoned me here.

[b]Dio: "To be fair, I WAS running up and down the van screaming, 'I AM SO GREAT, I AM SO GREAT!' "

Daisuke: "And I was eight when Maxy and Jim entered my life. Say hi, Maxy and Jim. No, I'm sure they can see you too."[/b]

They left me here to live a life of gambling, caring about nothing but themselves and even then, that was a stretch.

[b]Dio: Kid, I'm not supposed to tell you this...but they were actually secret agents. It was part of their job to be dicks.

Daisuke: So saying they cared for themselves is a stretch?[/b]

I care about no one. Not even myself.

[b]Dio: You're blue~

Daisuke: *"How Could this Happen to Me" starts playing*[/b]

No one has ever been there for me and as I said, they have no reason to be.

[b]Daisuke: No one except Maxy and Jim. Poor Kenny.

Dio: Well, I'll just be on my way then.

Daisuke: WHAT DID I SAY?

Dio: Rgh.[/b]

Things work differently here than everywhere else. It’s like something out of an old Western flick, but worse.

[b]Dio: There's no John Wayne.

Daisuke: Old Western films are epic, why you hatin, Kenny?[/b]

Nothing but miles and miles of desolate desert wasteland, full of nothing but emptiness.

[b]Dio: So...Fallout?

Daisuke: This guy is a natural-born poet, readers. You will see his work on bookshelves. If the bandits of this place don't rip his idea first.[/b]

They call it the Cross-Roads because it’s that point between life and death.

[b]Dio: Please don't tell me he's suicidal.

Daisuke: He is, Maxy's about to pass away. He doesn't know how to console himself.[/b]

Here, not only is your existence irrelevant, people pretend you don’t exist.

[b]Dio: The lines at McDonalds must be HELL.
"Hey, I'd like a quarter pounder and a small Coke. ...hey! HEY! Anyone there? I WANT MY FRIGGING BURGER!"

Daisuke: Those guys suck. Then again, it's better than being robbed and murdered.[/b]

The kind of people here, castoffs, criminals, you name it, we’ve seen it.

[b]Dio: The Island of Misfit Folks~

Daisuke: Of course, so many castoffs find this place by chance.[/b]

Someone considered “decent” here would be seen to the rest of the world as ruthless and brutal.

[b]Dio: And if that person's decent by their standards?

Daisuke: He'd be a nerd. And this is where our protagonsit falls under.[/b]

I didn’t ask for this life. I was never given the option.

[b]Dio: But now you can, on WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONARE!

Daisuke: If I'm not mistaken, the protagonist, up until this point, has been telling us he doesn't mind this life. Now he's saying he DOES mind it? What's that, Kenny? O-OH, I'm sorry to hear Maxy passed on...[/b]

I can just barely remember that thought, deep in my head, the memory of a young boy with the dream to become the best duelist in the world.

[b]Dio: Wait, this is about YU-GI-Oh? *checks the forum* Huh. Suppose so.

Daisuke: It could be worse. Remember that Pokemon fic?

[color=Blue]I don't[/color][/b]

That boy, and that dream, are now gone, and have been replaced by a cold, hardened shell of who I once was.

[b]Dio: Soooooooooooooy un perdedor~I'm a loser baby~

Daisuke: And just like that, it's not about Yu-Gi-Oh anymore.[/b]

When they brought me here, I was seven years old. I was terrified, tears in my eyes as I asked my parents repeatedly, “why”? Why did they have to go?

[b]Daisuke: I have no idea. I would love less exposition about the nice criminals and more about the plot. And Yu-Gi-Oh, if it's not too much to ask.

Dio: They're leeeeeeeeavin on a jet pla-yeah, this story just begs for random music.[/b]

And they told me it was only for a short time, a week or so.

[b]Dio: "It's a week in dog years, son."

Daisuke: Those liars.[/b]

"But that's-"
"Whoops, look at the time, gotta go!"
They said they were going on vacation and I’d be safe here until they came back. Twelve years later, I’m still alone.

[b]Daisuke: Lolsafe. Worst parents ever.

Dio: They went vacationing on 3 Mile Island.[/b]

It’s a cruel system. As a child, life here makes an Orphanage

[b]Dio: PROOFREAD

Daisuke: Hey, that's my job! Anyway, yeah, Orphanage is not Capitalized.[/b]

seem like an amusement park.

[b]Dio: Really, people, caps aren't needed.

Daisuke: Might want to explain it better in case there are any genius readers out there who will mistake that for "Don't ever capitalize." There's a time and place to capitalize. Unless Orphanage is the name of an evil organization or something, then it shouldn't be capitalized.[/b]

Once you turn seven, you move into a “Training House”. That’s what they call it.

[b]Dio: Oh, really? I thought it was just named that.

Daisuke: Wait, who sends them there? There are no laws, and no one cares.[/b]

In reality, it’s a group of kids, either born here or in a situation similar to my own, forced to live and obey the commands of a brutal “Duel Guard”.

[b]Dio: "HEIL PEGASUS!"

Daisuke: Oh, so there are laws NOW.[/b]

You’re given a Deck of Duel Monsters cards, and sent out into the city.

[b]Dio: Dear God, they'll never survive!

Daisuke: Naww, all they need is a deck, it's definitely much more useful than a weapon, or food, or anything like that.[/b]

You spend your entire day dueling, but the duels here aren’t like you’d think they are.

[b]Dio: Strip dueling?

Daisuke: So they don't involve the Shadow Realm and the fate of the world?[/b]

Here, every game’s an Ante Duel, and the loser must offer up a card to the winner.

[b]Dio: THAT'S what ante means? I thought it was not dueling at all. ...oh, ANTE. Not ANTI.

Daisuke: Oh come on, even Yorui could come up with a better joke.

[color=Blue]I once saw these pajam-[/color]

Daisuke: No. NO! I AM SICK OF YOUR PAJAMAS. SHUT UP ABOUT PAJAMAS. I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM, AND I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY OF YOUR OTHER FETISHES. JUST GO AWAY, YOU PLAGUE OF THE UNIVERSE!

[color=blue]Lingerie[/color]

Daisuke: Yes, linge- WHAT?![/b]

It didn’t matter if you were seven years old, or sixteen years old. You had to bring your Duel Guard at least one card a day.

[b]Dio: That doesn't sound so ba-[/b]

If you didn’t, you didn’t eat.

[b]Dio: ...this is a CARD GAME, PEOPLE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!


Daisuke: Ah, remember the days when if you didn't win duels your mind would be sent to the Shadow Realm for an eternity? Good times, good times.[/b]

Often times, we’d go for days without a single bite of food.

[b]Dio: The new Atkins diet is STRICT.

Daisuke: These kids are stupid. They could just beat each other to all get food, like an organized plan. Or must they ante only the cards that are not in their deck?[/b]

It’s awful, the starvation.

[b]Daisuke: I would never guess.[/b]

But it’s just one of the many things that make the Cross-Roads the most brutal, horrific place on Earth.

[b]Dio: When you wish upon a star~

Daisuke: Oh yes, no, no, there are no worst places, where children have nothing to eat, and no chance to eat, even if they win a million duels. But no, see, these kids can't even buy cards. That's how much their life sucks. You think the Cross-Roads is bad? Go on a travel spree like your bad parents, why don't you? It'll teach you something about the world.[/b]

There are robberies, beatings, fights all the time. It’s these things that have turned me into the person I am today.

[b]Dio: Well, that, and TV.

Daisuke: You mean into a depressive sociopath that has imaginary friends?[/b]

I show no one compassion, yet I don’t start fights, either. I’m not the same as all the others.

[b]Dio: I just gotta be me~

Daisuke: Then how the hell does your explanation for why you became this way make any sense, if no one else turned out that way?![/b]

At first, I played their games, but my lack of purpose took away my will to fight. Yet for some reason, that one day changed everything…

[b]Dio: As it always does in stories.

[color=blue]Yay, story time~[/color][/b]

It was twelve years ago, almost to this day.

[b]Daisuke: "It's BEEN twelve years ago, almost to this day, ever since the beginning of time."[/b]

It’s strange, despite all I’ve endured, that I can still remember it clearly.

[b]Dio: It was a dark and stormy night...

Daisuke: How does emotional pain equal memory loss again?[/b]

It had been nearly a month since my parents had abandoned me here, and I’d started to realize, despite the small glimmer of hope I held on to, that they weren’t coming back.

[b]Dio: Well, with that attitude...

Daisuke: You only figured out after a month? A normal kid would think their parents were never coming back after a few HOURS.[/b]

Gunner, our house’s Duel Guard, had ordered us out, with the always painful reminder that if we didn’t come back with a card, there’d be nothing to eat.

[b]Daisuke: He doesn't care to remember the faces of the children, so he repeats the same thing every day in case there are new recruits.[/b]

I don’t recall the exact day, but it had been six days since I’d eaten anything.

[b]Daisuke: That would be six days ago.

Dio: "I told people it was for my religion."[/b]

The lack of victory wasn’t something we could blame solely on ourselves. They supplied us with a Deck, but it was full of measly cards the rest of the city didn’t want, and so we got stuck with them.

[b]Dio: Don't blame the cards. Blame the player.

Daisuke: If everyone else also has a crappy deck, and you still can't beat them, that means you just suck as a duelist.[/b]

That was the catch. More often than not, we didn’t eat, and if we did get lucky enough to win, what we got to eat was hardly worth the effort.

[b]Dio: Didn't we establish this?

Daisuke: Kenny is saying this particular line to his new imaginary best friend since Maxy died, Steve.[/b]

I was in immense pain.

[b]Dio: So am I. We all gotta live with it.

Daisuke: With great hunger...comes great pain.[/b]

I didn’t have tons of dueling experience,

[b]Daisuke: Even though you're forced to duel every day?[/b]

and I’d only won a few games; enough to keep me alive, but barely. I’d already a duel that day, and my hope was starting to dwindle.

[b]Daisuke: I thought your hope was already gone?[/b]

Part of me wanted to just collapse to the ground and give up on it all, but the other part of me refused to give up.

[b]Dio: Do we need to start a montage?

Daisuke: "I'll never give up, believe it!"[/b]

I was searching for something, searching for a purpose.

[b]Dio: And my wallet.

Daisuke: So NOW he believes in purposes.[/b]

I walked through the sandy, dusty city streets,

[b]Daisuke: As opposed to sandy and spotless streets.[/b]

with the intense heat from the sun

[b]Daisuke: No, the intense heat from the moon.[/b]

making it even more difficult to keep fighting.

[b]Dio: Oh, please. You've never been in Texas.

Daisuke: Why not duel in the shade?[/b]

An immense headache had made it hard for me to walk,

[b]Daisuke: Or that could just be the lack of any sort of nutrition for almost a week...nah.[/b]

and just when I was about to fall, I bumped into a man.

[b]Daisuke: How timely.

Dio: Are there no girls in this thing?[/b]

It took me all of a second to realize what happened, and I scurried backwards as quickly as possible.

[b]Dio: RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Daisuke: Not so hard to walk now, huh?[/b]

Fear and frustration over took me

[b]Daisuke: Why did frustration [s]overtake[/s] over take you? What, you're frustrated he got in your way as you were about to fall down?[/b]

as the man turned around, his grey tattered beard and soul-less green eyes staring me right in the face.

[b]Dio: ...SNAKE?![/b]

He was brimming with anger,

[b]Daisuke: Good, now unleash your frustration on him![/b]

and it was just then I realized that I’d interrupted him in the process of beating down a younger duelist for money and cards.

[b]Dio: "No, no, the cards are to sell for MONEY! I couldn't care less about-oh, hey, kid."

Daisuke: That's some priority list.
3. Bullying younger duelists.
2. Glaring at children
1. Money and TRADING CARDS![/b]

The kid had time to run away, leaving me all alone.

[b]Daisuke: That bastard...[/b]

I continued to back up in fear,

[b]Daisuke: Thank you for clarifying, I thought for sure he was backing up in happiness and joy.[/b]

wanting to run away, hope that I could just wake up

[b]Daisuke: Well a while ago I was hope I could get out of this story.[/b]

and this would be a dream, and I’d be back home in my bed with my parents just down the hallway.

[b]Dio: Is this the real life~Is this just fantasy~[/b]

“You little b****!” He screamed,

[b]Daisuke: "I'm so sorry, sir." "SORRY NOTHIN, YOU INTERRUPTED MY BULLYING OF YOUNGER DUELISTS."[/b]

but not with normal anger.

[b]Daisuke: Definitely not with normal anger.[/b]

He was furious.

[b]Dio: I HAVE FURYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY![/b]

I had no idea what to do. I could run, but that wouldn’t have made a difference. I was too fatigued. Besides, it was pointless.

[b]Dio: Aw, hey, now...DON'T STOP! BELIEVI-this is turning into a damn musical.

Daisuke: I don't know what you're talkin abou-[/b]

I was going to die anyway.

[b]Daisuke: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?~ I MADE MY MISTAKES!~ GOT NOWHERE TO RUN!~[/b]

I hardly had the strength to stand, never mind duel.

[b]Daisuke: Dueling takes so much strength and physical preparation.[/b]

The hope of earning a card and being able to eat had diminished. I wasn’t even hoping for survival anymore.

[b]Dio: I was hoping for an END TO THE DAMN STORY

Daisuke: At this point, the protagonist is emo, and his only two imaginary friends, Steve and Jim, are nowhere to be found. He's not even hoping for survival anymore. So WHY is he afraid?[/b]

I dropped to my knees, tears streaming from my face and into the dirt, causing small blotches of mud to form around me.

[b]Daisuke: His tears fell all around his body.[/b]

Who cared? I didn’t matter. If I’d died right there, no one woulda cared.

[b]Dio: Nothing really matters~...yeah, I've given up my sanity. IS MUSICAL TIEM.

Daisuke: "Woulda" isn't something usualy used outside of dialogue, if used at all. And WHY is our protagonist so depressive? It's like you WANT people who read this story to suicide.[/b]

That’s why it puzzled me when I stood up. As if through forces beyond my control, I gathered the confidence to issue a challenge, an Ante Duel challenge.

[b]Dio: "Well, if you don't wanna duel, I'll just be on my-OH, Ante."

Daisuke: He gathered the confidence, but what about the strength needed for dueling?[/b]

The one thing you can’t do at the Cross-Roads is refuse an Ante Duel. It’s sort of an unwritten law.

[b]Daisuke: The only law (except for the laws the protagonist refuses to recognize the existence of) is an unwritten one. That's related to duel monsters.[/b]

To refuse one would mean you were a coward, and here, only the strong survive…if they’re lucky.

[b]Dio: What happens in the Cross-Roads STAYS in the Cross-Roads.

Daisuke: I can understand luck, but can someone please tell me why in the HELL does placing cards on a disk involve 'strength'!? What, is the duel disk REJECTING his cards?![/b]

Parts of this memory have faded.

[b]Dio: ...OH GOD NO IT'S HIM!

[color=Green]I'm James.[/color]

Dio: NO, SHUT UP, NO.

[color=green]The mayor.[/color]

Dio: God, dammit.[/b]

I don’t remember how the duel began, but I remember the conclusion.

[b][color=green]I was shot in the kneecap.[/color]

Dio: WE KNOW![/b]

I was beyond exhaustion, on the verge of passing out. As I struggled to keep myself from falling, I remember the man’s words.

[b][color=Green]He said something about the Boss.[/color]

Dio: Where the hell's my chainsaw?

[color=Green]A bog standard would be better.[/color]

Dio: F*CK YOU![/b]

“You are nothing! None of you are! That is the point you fail to grasp!”

[b]Dio: I think we found our next guest star!

Daisuke: Sorry, I was in a short concussion from slamming my head against the wall due to the amnesiac mayor's break-in into our review studio. And I must say, this new character, I like.[/b]

He spoke through crazed eyes, eyes that had seen it all, and would never be able to forget it.

[b]Dio: My eyes?[/b]

“You all fight, you all believe you have a purpose, but you don’t! That is why you are here, and the sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be! So just lay down and die already!”
[b]Dio: "But before you do, buy my patented grape-flavored cyanide pills!"

Daisuke: I'm guessing this was the plot point that made the protagonist unable to believe in the possibility of a purpose.[/b]

I wanted to ignore it. I continued to tell myself that he was wrong, that I did have a purpose.

[b]Daisuke: When in the beginning you were having an internal monologue about why puposes didn't exist.[/b]

My parents would come back and I’d be able to go to Duel Academy, and become a Professional Duelist.

[b]Dio: Gee, why not GET A JOB? LEARN THINGS OTHER THAN F*CKING CARD GAMES?!

Daisuke: Why must Duel Academy/Duel Academy rip-offs be brought up in/a part of almost every Yu-Gi-Oh fic?[/b]

But any time I started to believe, reality kicked me in the face and sent me back to my knees, forced to accept my failure.

[b]Dio: I WANNA KICK YOU IN THE FACE, YOU DEPRESSING LITTLE TWIT![/b]

He had 2700 Life Points. I’d managed to get in an attack with my Giant Soldier of Stone, which had since been destroyed. I had 300.

[b]Dio: TONIGHT, WE DO NOT DINE-WE DUEL IN HELL!

Daisuke: Dude, Giant Soldier of Stone is one of the BEST monsters out there! Right alongside Beaver Warrior![/b]

As an older duelist, not only did he have more experience, he had better cards.

[b]Daisuke: "Remember kids, the older you are, the better your cards will become" "Why, daddy?" "Because shut the hell up"[/b]

I’d fall to my knees in pain, only to will myself back up and play another monster, which he would just destroy.

[b]Dio: So...you get beat down...and get back up again?...LET'S BEYBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE! *rocks out*

Daisuke: You just stated you got back up and were knocked back down because of...reality kicking you in the face? So does that mean this man you're facing is Reality? That is so f*cking sweet.[/b]

“I don’t understand! Why don’t you just quit? Why won’t you stay down, accept defeat, accept that you can’t change your life now!

[b]Dio: "Unless you call 1-800-LIFE NOW!"

Daisuke: "You can't change it now, but you can change it any other time, okay!"

[color=Blue] Why did Mr. Reality use an exclamation mark instead of a question mark?[/color]

Daisuke: Because he's Reality, he can do anything.[/b]

You’re just like the rest of us! You too, have a breaking point! Now attack!”

[b]Dio: Ok. *gets out a tommy gun*

Daisuke: Screw commas, they get in the way. NOW ATTACK![/b]

His creature attacked, firing a bright blue blast right at me. I don’t remember the monster, but I remember shaking with fear, knowing he was right and knowing I was helpless.

[b]Dio: IT IS A CARD GAME YOU-oh, to hell with it.

Daisuke: I'VE GIVEN UUUUP, I'M SICK OF FEELING!~[/b]

“N...no!” I hadn’t eaten in days, I couldn’t even stand up straight.

[b]Daisuke: This was established...several times.[/b]

But my body wouldn’t let me stay down. Something, something was willing me to go on. Just when I wanted to quit, something in my head caused me to stand back up and endure another turn in which I’d suffer even more.

[b]Dio: GO GO GO GO GO

Daisuke: Yay, he gets to suffer more![/b]

“You can do nothing to stop it! You will lose, and soon you will die!

[b]Daisuke: "BEHOLD! THE SHADOW REALM!"[/b]

You are not invincible,

[b]You don't have to be to not die after losing 4000 Life Points and getting attacked by holograms.[/b]

it doesn’t matter if you’re a child or someone like me! It’s about survival, and you’re simply not strong enough to survive! It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down and get back up, because when all is said and done, you will have accomplished nothing!”

[b]Dio: A duel Darwinist?[/b]

“You’re wrong!” Even at my young age, I could tell that he’d been through everything there was to go through.

[b]Dio: INCLUDING The Last Airbender?

Daisuke: Man, this kid is really something. Just from dueling this guy he can like peer into his life story.[/b]

He was essentially crazy,

[b]Dio: ESSENTIALLY?!

[color=Blue]You take that back! Reality-san is NOT essentially crazy![/color][/b]

but that’s what a place like this will do, you either die or you take whatever measures you have to in order to survive.

[b]Dio: And believe me I am STILL ALIVE~[/b]

Which is exactly what I’d decided to do. I don’t know how I did it, or why I bothered, but it’s the one thing that kept me from becoming just like the rest.

[b]Dio: There's hope for you yet, boy.

Daisuke: *Fight soundtrack starts playing*[/b]

“It doesn’t matter how many times I fall down and get back up, because I’m going to keep doing it, I’m going to keep doing it until I’ve won the duel!

[b]Dio: TRY YOUR BEST TO WIN THEM ALL AND ONE DAY TIME WILL TELL!

Daisuke: This kid is the new Naruto, now. Went from emo to speeches about [s]becoming Hokage[/s] never giving up.[/b]

I may not have a purpose, but I can’t quit! You can beat me down all you want, but it doesn’t matter! Just like my monsters, even though you’ve destroyed me, I’m going to keep fighting!”

[b]Dio: WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE LEFT STANDING THERE-

Daisuke: "I'M GOING TO BECOME THE DUEL MONSTERS CHAMPION SOMEDAY, BELIEVE IT!"[/b]

And I played it. “I activate the Trap Card, Blasting the Ruins!”

[b]Dio: YOU'VE REACHED THE FINAL BELL!

Daisuke: WITH THE POWER OF PROTAGONIST HAX![/b]

“Nothing can--! What is that?!”

[b]Daisuke: It's.....HYARGH! INDIGNATION![/b]

He silenced and stared at me, eyes full of fear and confusion.

[b]Dio: YOU'RE THE BEST[/b]

“Everything in my Deck has been destroyed! You tore my Deck apart and this time I waited for just the right moment!

[b]Dio: AROUND![/b]

Since there’s over 30 cards in my Graveyard, my Blasting the Ruins Trap can activate, causing you to take 3000 points of damage!”

[b]Dio: NOTHIN'S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN!

Daisuke: Over 30 cards in his Graveyard? Jeez, does the opponent mill that much? Actually, I can't tell, the only two cards that I remember were Giant Soldier of Stone and Blasting the Ruins.[/b]

The blue blast, coming at me full force, was whisked back by a strong wind, as pieces of rubble began to emerge from the ground below me, floating up towards the sky. The attack disappeared, and the rubble crashed down upon the man, bringing his Life Points to 0.

[b]Daisuke: That's what Blasting the Ruins looks like? A bunch of rubble floating up and crashing down on someone? [s]Azaroth, Metrion, Zinthos![/s]

Dio: GONNA FLY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!~[/b]

I had won. And it was that victory that told me that while there was essentially no hope, I could never truly stop hoping.

[b]Daisuke: Your words are wise, young Padawan.

Dio: TRYING HARD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW![/b]

The man fell to the ground, as did his Deck.

[b]No, it remained floating in the air even as its wielder fell down.[/b]

But that wasn’t all. Cards fell out of both pockets of his jacket. Tons of them, cards he had stolen.

[b]Dio: Oooor cards he had bought, but you can't really tell.

Daisuke: Yeah, he could have bought all those with his own hard-earned money! Kenny, you're just jealous you're not Reality.[/b]

As he pulled himself to his feet, he looked at me, and walked away, leaving all of his cards scattered around the outline of his body in the dirt.

[b]Dio: How organized do they have to be for this?

Daisuke: I'm guessing this would save the police the work of outlining bodies when people die.[/b]

I didn’t know anything, except that I refused to end up like him. I took his Deck and traded it for money,

[b]Daisuke: You're on the right path.

Dio: Yet you're a thief like him.[/b]

then left the Training House. I was better off trying to make it on my own than dueling for some loser and hardly any food.

[b]Dio: And you didn't do this before why, you little thief?

Daisuke: Because Kenny is an idiot. He thinks a kid can survive by himself with only a deck. I'd rather stay and duel for food, no matter how much it was. Especially when he considers that now he apparently can duel well [s]since Atem has awakened within him.[/s][/b]

I took the other cards and used some to build my Deck, keeping the rest. I’d have to use them later.

[b]Daisuke: "To sell in the Black Market"
I am liking this protagonist less and less and the story progresses.

Dio: "Is that a bunch of cards in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"[/b]

At this point, I’ve managed to acquire a Deck that can win games rather easily. Often times, people refuse to challenge me.

[b]Daisuke: Just make it Ante.[/b]

That day was the first of many duels I’d go on to win, to this day setting a reputation for myself as a duelist you want to avoid.

[b]Daisuke: Not the best of reputations to have when dueling is the only thing you know how to do to live.[/b]

No one bothers me, and I don’t bother them. It’s simple, but it works.

[b]Dio: All you needed was a little hope. THAT'S THE MORAL KIDS!

Daisuke: "With hope, you can steal cards and get away with it"[/b]

“Look what we got here!” I perked up as the bar door slammed open, and two goons barged in, holding a young guy, about seventeen years old, by the back of his shirt.

[b]Dio: The second moral is to always be where the action is, like bars.

Daisuke: Well we know he's seventeen, now. But can we get clothes...? hair...? eyes...? Please?[/b]

He wasn’t from here.

[b]Daisuke: "I knew EVERYONE from here."[/b]

I could tell they’d roughed him up from the blood on his forehead.

[b]Daisuke: "Assuming he hadn't fallen and hit his head earlier today, and these big guys actually were trying to help him, because then my amazing theory dies."[/b]

His bright blonde hair, polo shirt, and khaki pants caused him to stand out, and not in a good way.

[b]Daisuke: "He's got blond hair and a polo shirt! GET HIM!"[/b]

Outsiders aren’t really accepted,

[b]Daisuke: We've been over this.[/b]

and if they do come, they certainly don’t want to be noticed.

[b]Dio: ...he doesn't have blue eyes, does he?

Daisuke: WHY do you even GET outsiders when this place isn't even on any MAP?![/b]

“Looks like someone didn’t get the memo,” the barkeep

[b][color=Blue]What's a barkeep?[/color]

Daisuke: It's a word people use when they are too lazy to look up that the actual word is "barkeeper"; as in, someone who KEEPS a BAR.[/b]

snarled.

[b][color=Green]I have a secret.[/color]

Dio: NO ONE CARES!

[color=Green]I am in my offi-[/color]

Dio: THE WORLD. TIME HAS STOPPED. *lifts a steamroller and puts it over James's head* AND TIME CONTINUES.

[color=Green]-ce and- *SMASH*[/color]

Dio: Moving along. You'd think the chapter would end after that uplifting moment earlier, but noooo...[/b]

My eyes shifted from the blonde kid to the barkeep. He stood behind the counter with an irritating grin on his face. I’d never really noticed him before, but with his pudgy exterior, scruffy, unshaven beard, and white shirt covered in stains, he really set the stereotype for this entire place.

[b]Dio: OH MY GOD. IT'S BLACKBEARD FROM ONE PIECE! RUN, YOU IDIOTS, RUN![/b]

There were a few of us who stood out, but honestly if it weren’t for the fact that they were somewhat skinnier, I wouldnt’ve been able to tell the barkeep from his cronies.

[b]Dio: Maybe they all have personality quirks.

Daisuke: I am assuming the [s]barkeeper[/s] barkeep and protagonist are the only ones who really have any distinguishing features, the rest are just people with Default faces and who all are exactly alike except for weight.[/b]

“Yeah, poor guy,” the goon on the left replied.

[b][color=Green]He was a mammoth of a man.[/color]

Dio: WHY WON'T YOU DIE! *knife toss*

[color=Green]When he saw that-*KNIFED*[/color][/b]

One of ‘em had spiked brown hair, and his outfit literally matched that of the barkeep, while the other had a black mohawk.

[b]Dio: And was naked, I suppose.[/b]

Your typical tough guys, except not really.

[b]Daisuke: "Yeah, they're really generic, except they're not generic." [/b]

People sat in silence, the few of us in the bar, as they threw the kid to the floor. “Let’s show him why outsiders ain’t welcome here!”

[b]Dio: Well, least they have a REASON to pick on someone, aside from their boobs.

Daisuke: I'm just waiting for them to give us the blond dude's name so I can make a "Ri-Ri" reference.[/b]

“I…I just need directions! I didn’t mean to…” the kid tried to speak, helpless and probably in fear for his life,

[b]Daisuke: I was assuming he was 'probably' in fear of having left the stove on.[/b]

only for the guy with the mohawk to shut him up with a hard kick to the gut, while he was already on the ground.

[b]Dio: "DIRECTIONS ARE FOR PUSSIES!"

Daisuke: Well, the guy wants to leave...and we don't like outsiders here...SO LET'S GO BULLY HIM INSTEAD OF ALLOWING HIM TO LEAVE![/b]

“Shut up, or it’ll be worse than it’s already going to be!”

[b]Dio: "WHICH IS FAIRLY BAD!"[/b]

“Leave him alone.” I was almost surprised myself as I stood up, pushing my chair back into the wall in the process.

[b]Daisuke: I think it's obvious to the reader by now Kenny has gotten so attached to Steve, that he doesn't know when he moves anymore, because the part of his mind that is Steve controls his body for him.[/b]

The entire bar looked up at me, including the barkeep, who seemed taken aback at my response.

[b]Dio: JUST LEAVE HIM ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE![/b]

“What’d you just say?!” The anger in his eyes didn’t phase me. When you’ve got nothing to lose, you’ve got no fear at the same time.

[b]Daisuke: Which explains why during your duel with Reality you were crying, even though you had nothing to lose.

Dio: "I said to leave him alone."

"Oh, ok, just making sure I heard you right."[/b]

I don’t think the feeling was friendship, or respect, or courage, or anything like that. At that moment, the glimmer of hope began to resurface, and while I lacked compassion, something inside of me knew this was what I had to do. It was completely crazy, but no one ever said I was normal, anyway.

[b]Dio: Don't try telling us you're eccentric now.[/b]

“You stay outta this, or we’ll kill you too!”

“Your empty threats mean nothing to me,” and I meant it, too, as I activated my duel disk, causing the room to illuminate in a burst of light.

[b]Dio: "OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD I'M BLIND!"

"Sorry."

Daisuke: Duel disks: Creating bring flashes of light in rooms since 2003.[/b]

“I’m sick of this place, and I’m sick of people like you. I was a kid like him once, albeit younger, and damn it I’m tired of seeing s*** like this! Now if the two of you are so tough, what do you say to a duel?”

[b]Dio: Censors. Fantastic.[/b]

That got the bar crowd riled up. “A duel? With us?,” the one on the right asked, in a mocking tone.

[b]Dio: No, a duel with Winston Churchill OF COURSE WITH YOU.

Daisuke: I want them to actually all duel him at once. But of course it won't happen, and after he owns their boss, the other henchmen will run away.[/b]

“I’m glad you can comprehend a basic question.” He growled in response to the sarcasm. “The two of you face me in an Ante Duel. I win, you let the kid go.”

[b]Dio: "Oh, so you want us to put a card up for grabs if you win?"
"Finally, someone gets it!"

Daisuke: By the way, speech is supposed to be in a separate sentence than action. Since the two speeches are connected to the thug growling, stupid people will assume the thug is crazy and talking to himself.

[color=Blue]Why is the bad guy talking to himself?[/color][/b]

“And if we win?” He paused. “If we win, you give us your entire Deck and all the money you’ve got on you!”

[b]Dio: I would've just gone for the money, but ok.

Daisuke: "Yeah, I don't care if you've got no money, at least I'll get your trading cards!"[/b]

“You’re on.” I grinned at the one with the spiked hair, and he did the same.

[b]Dio: ONE with spiked hair? In an anime fanfic?

Daisuke: Grin staredown![/b]

“Heheh! I don’t know who you are,

[b]Daisuke: I thought he had a reputation?[/b]

but you should’ve just left well enough alone, kid.” The two goons stared at me, full of intensity.

[b]Dio: ANIMOSITY![/b]

“Well, you show me what’s well enough, and I’ll consider it! Game on!”

[b]Dio: JADEN?![/b]

To be continued…

[b]Dio: ...it's over? YES!

Daisuke: *yawns* Finally.


Dio: Now, for my two cents. While this is a well written story, especially in comparison to the others we've read, it's a downright depressing one to read. Sure, you got your hope spots at the end and it has him going from thinking things're pointless to there being a little purpose in his life, but as mentioned, HE STILL FEELS NO COMPASSION. This is probably expanded upon later on, but as an entry to the fic, you just wanna stop reading so you don't end up cutting yourself by the last word. I'm not saying make it happy, BUT MAKE IT LESS FRIGGING EMO!

Daisuke: And I agree. I like the story, but the protagonist is too depressive in the beginning for me to care about him. When your readers do not care about your protagonist, that is pretty bad. He had potential to be a well-liked character, but the fact he always questions existence, and he always sounds like he could care less if he died, makes me not care for his past, or existence. Some things are a bit...odd, like Reality suddenly getting pissed at the kid for BUMPING INTO him, then challenging him to a duel and spouting crap like no one being anything out of the blue. I expect that to be explained. Finally...the amount of 'tell' over 'show' in this story is enough to make me weep at night. For several years. Don't bog down the story with things like "happy" "sad" "furious" "not normal anger" and crap, and try showing us things that HINT at what emotion they're feeling.

Dio: Also, expect to see Crazy Nihilistic Man in our riffvews. As soon as I take care of one more problem.

[color=green]Would you be a dear and call an ambulance?[/color]

Dio: No. *FALCON PUNCH!* Maybe this'll knock the amnesia out of you! ...or you into a billion pieces. Either or.[/b]
[/spoiler]
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evilfusion

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Posted
As fair warning, I am a rather critical reader. I've never really been quite sure why, but it may have something to do with the fact it's a lot harder to say good things without coming off as sucking up or gushing, and it's easier to point out the flaws and give reassurances that you don't suck.

Good thing: You don't suck.

Okay, starting with chapter 1. I've read the whole story, but for now, I'm starting here.

I actually don't really care that the whole chapter was a mass of exposition. While exposition is a no-no for the first chapter, I really got a feel for the character you were introducing and I liked the ideas that were brought up. It reminded me heavily of Crashtown, though, so I was half expecting it to go in a certain direction, and confused when it didn't. That's not a bad thing, but the setting was so similar, especially with the mandatory duels.

Now the flashback duel puzzled me. It's awesome that he won with Blasting the Ruins, but somehow he didn't lose that whole time, with a deck of random cards while his opponent had a much better deck, up until he had 30 cards in his Graveyard? I wasn't sure whether the opponent was messing with him or not.

Also, the idea that you have to give up a card to the loser, and basically only get cards by winning or with money, caused me to wonder how anyone has a legal deck. If you lose all the time, shouldn't your deck be illegally under 40 cards? Especially if you have to give a guy a card in order to eat. True, that means sometimes you can't eat, but if you can't afford a card to eat, what happens when you lose? Do you play with 39 cards? This was never mentioned.

Selling the rare cards for money and leaving was a sensible decision and I'm pleased that idea was incorporated, rather than him continuing to live in that hellish world.
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