YuGiOh: Cross Roads NEW! [EPISODE 5: RUNNING OUT OF TIME PART TWO] POSTED

[Anbu-of-Sand]

Quite the Chapter that one was. Much better then the first one, for it had much more detail and whatnot, in my opinion that is. The Decks however, I am confuzzled about. I'm trying to figure out if the Decks have any actual well, playability in the real world (it was just that the lack of cards to give an opinion on the Decks was well, lacking), or if they are just running Highlander. The name for the third Chapter however although doesn't sound intriguing, I still can't wait for Think you can give a review on my Fan Fic in return please?

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Anbu-of-Sand' timestamp='1297388664' post='5001936']
Quite the Chapter that one was. Much better then the first one, for it had much more detail and whatnot, in my opinion that is.

[b]I agree. The first one was necessary, but it didn't have as much detail as I would have liked. I'm still not great with the duel descriptions, but I'm working on it.[/b]

The Decks however, I am confuzzled about. I'm trying to figure out if the Decks have any actual well, playability in the real world (it was just that the lack of cards to give an opinion on the Decks was well, lacking), or if they are just running Highlander.

[b]They will eventually. For the first couple of duels, Ken's going to basically use a "Highlander" Deck as you called it, while the others will not be. There's a method to the madness.[/b]

The name for the third Chapter however although doesn't sound intriguing, I still can't wait for

[b]I think everyone will like the third chapter, though it will basically just be the conclusion of the duel, and the introduction of the plot.[/b]

Think you can give a review on my Fan Fic in return please?

[b]Definitely. I was going to do that today, but I got sidetracked, so I do apologize. I will definitely do that for you tomorrow.[/b]
[/quote]

[Synchronized]

I'd like to post Episode 3 tonight or tomorrow morning so keep an eye out for that...

[Tokyo Duel]

[b]Name (Family, Given):[/b] Tanaka, Heero
[b]Gender:[/b] Male
[b]Age:[/b] 16
[b]Personality:[/b] A duel fanatic, Heero lives for dueling. Despite wandering into the Cross Roads, he makes the best of what he has. His deck is his hope for a better tomorrow. He duels not just for himself, but to prove a point to everyone. He won't back down. He stands up for what is right, even if he has to be beaten to a bloody pulp to do so. He loves dueling. Everything about Heero is "dueling". It's the only thing besides his deck that keeps him going. He is considered to have a fair amount of money because of his clothing, which is a lie. When he was dropped off, in his crib he had some clothes, which never fit him till some time later...
[b]History:[/b] Heero's mother died giving birth to him and his father mysteriously disappereared after dropping him off in the Cross Roads. Somehow, Heero managed to make it out alive of his helpless years, and managed to make a deck. A joke constantly said about Heero is that before he learened to walk, he learned to duel. He finished his first deck when he was six, and began dueling ever since.
[b]Appearence:[/b] Brown, spikey hair and big brown eyes. Wears a black jacket over a red tank-top and black cargo pants. Wears white casual shoes.
[b]Deck Name:[/b] Burning Passion


***I will P.M. you a deck list***

[Catterjune]

Excuse me if I'm being a little "more critical" then I usually am. It's easier to criticize if there's more errors, but since this has... less then YCM is usually known for, it comes down to a few nitpicks. Nevertheless...


1: Is The Cross Roads a Wasteland or a City?

Episode 1: Third Paragraph:
[quote]Nothing but miles and miles of desolate desert wasteland, full of nothing but emptiness.[/quote]
Episode 1: Seventh Paragraph:
[quote]You’re given a Deck of Duel Monsters cards, and sent out into the city.[/quote]

These descriptions of the Crossroads seem to contradict each other. >_>

2: The way the little kid's school and the Duel Gaurd works
[quote]You had to bring your Duel Guard at least one card a day. If you didn’t, you didn’t eat. Often times, we’d go for days without a single bite of food.[/quote]
But the duel gaurd gives you a deck of 40 cards (and a duel disk, I assume?) when you begin. Sure, the food is terrible and probably not well nourishment, but there's no reason to have gone "days without eating", is there?

3: Random odds and ends
Episode 1: Chapter 7
[quote]It didn’t matter if you were seven years old, or sixteen years old.[/quote]
That's a bit of an odd comparison. At first I thought it was kind of a joke, "it didn't matter if you were [some really young age] or [some really old age]", and since the wasteland is such a terrible place, being sixteen is akin to being middle aged. But then we meet a "gray bearded" guy when the protagonist is 7, so it's kind of like... yeah. Just sounds like a weird thing to say.


[quote]“You little b****!” He screamed, but not with normal anger. He was furious.[/quote]
Isn't being furious usually considered "normal anger"?

Episode 2
[quote]I did my bet to put on a scared face as large vines shot up from the dirt, twisting themselves together.[/quote]
I assume he "did his best", but why would he WANT to put on a scared face? Why give his enemies the satisfaction of seeming him squirm?

[quote]Formula Synchron[/quote]
Why wouldn't he Synchro Summon it when had the chance? Just seems like the "bad guy" was being stupid for the sake of the plot. The only other explanation is he has no level 4-6 Synchros.

[quote]“Nitro Warrior, change his Shield Token to Attack Mode,[/quote]
Nitro Warrior's attack-defense swap only works once per turn, regardless of how many times he attacks.

On an unrelated note, you say "hope" a lot.

The repetitive nature of it seems a little TOO reptitive. Show, don't tell. Show how his situation was so terrible when he was a kid, like a flashback to him at a time when he was on the verge of success and then failed, or a time when someone could have easily helped but just choose not to.

As for me, personally, I gotta wonder why we don't have a tribe of kids working together, a team or something, trying to make themselves better? The best explanation I could think of would be too many opportunities to backstab each other as time goes on, but it still sounds like it'd be an interesting read.

Also curious about how the life of a less than 7 year old worked.

... Also, no women, so far... o_0

Random thoughts, though since it's just the beginning I wouldn't expect all my questions to be answered from the get go.

8.8/10

[Synchronized]

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1297457831' post='5002972']
Excuse me if I'm being a little "more critical" then I usually am. It's easier to criticize if there's more errors, but since this has... less then YCM is usually known for, it comes down to a few nitpicks. Nevertheless...

[font=Courier New]I do appreciate it. Thanks for the compliment, if you can call it that, and I do take pride in the simple things like grammar that (for the most part), I think I well with. Anything critical in this case is good, because I want this story to be really well written[/font]


1: Is The Cross Roads a Wasteland or a City?

These descriptions of the Crossroads seem to contradict each other. >_>

[font=Courier New]The "emptiness" was supposed to describe, basically, what surrounded the city. It is, in fact, a city, but not like "technologically advanced", (i.e. New Domino City in 5D's). It's an old western town, basically. That was a mistake on my part. I did read it over after I finished it, but apparently not enough to pick up on that.[/font]

2: The way the little kid's school and the Duel Gaurd works

But the duel gaurd gives you a deck of 40 cards (and a duel disk, I assume?) when you begin. Sure, the food is terrible and probably not well nourishment, but there's no reason to have gone "days without eating", is there?

[font=Courier New]This one is simple. You don't win, you don't eat. A lot of these kids had horrible Decks, and they'd just go out there and duel, losing most of the time as the older people have Decks that actually work. You know what I mean?[/font]

3: Random odds and ends
Episode 1: Chapter 7

That's a bit of an odd comparison. At first I thought it was kind of a joke, "it didn't matter if you were [some really young age] or [some really old age]", and since the wasteland is such a terrible place, being sixteen is akin to being middle aged. But then we meet a "gray bearded" guy when the protagonist is 7, so it's kind of like... yeah. Just sounds like a weird thing to say.

[font=Courier New]Oddly worded, sure. I was basically looking at 16 as the age where you're close enough of an adult in the normal setting to do most things yourself. 18 might have been a better choice.[/font]


Isn't being furious usually considered "normal anger"?

[font=Courier New]Yes, yes it is. However I was going for an "overly angry" explanation. Sometimes my wording right after or in between quotes is bad, and I'm working on improving it. It's a matter of a word or two that gets the difference across.[/font]

Episode 2

I assume he "did his best", but why would he WANT to put on a scared face? Why give his enemies the satisfaction of seeming him squirm?

[font=Courier New]He was 7 years old. He was scared, and that was the best way to describe his reaction. As a kid, what else would you expect him to do? Though I do get what you mean and it's something I could have worded better.[/font]


Why wouldn't he Synchro Summon it when had the chance? Just seems like the "bad guy" was being stupid for the sake of the plot. The only other explanation is he has no level 4-6 Synchros.

[font=Courier New]Definitely "bad guy" being "bad guy" for the sake of the plot. However, as you'll see in the next episode, some of Frankie's cards are used in Kaz's one-on-one with Ken, so they had a use, almost as a set-up for later. The actual "duel" takes place between Ken and Kaz, and I think it's much more entertaining in terms of dueling than the previous one.[/font]

Nitro Warrior's attack-defense swap only works once per turn, regardless of how many times he attacks.

[font=Courier New]Anime change? I wasn't sure about that myself, but I decided that hey, it's my story, and a modification to the effect for the purpose of the story would be okay here and there.[/font]

On an unrelated note, you say "hope" a lot.

[font=Courier New]For a reason. Hope is important in this story.[/font]

The repetitive nature of it seems a little TOO reptitive. Show, don't tell. Show how his situation was so terrible when he was a kid, like a flashback to him at a time when he was on the verge of success and then failed, or a time when someone could have easily helped but just choose not to.

[font=Courier New]Yes, I know. I don't like it. I realize that sometimes my writing can be extremely repetitive and it's something I've always struggled with. I like to write, and sometimes it can be discouraging when I sit down to write and feel like every other line has something repetitive. There will be more use of the flashback in the next couple of episodes, as I think it really enhances the story.[/font]

As for me, personally, I gotta wonder why we don't have a tribe of kids working together, a team or something, trying to make themselves better? The best explanation I could think of would be too many opportunities to backstab each other as time goes on, but it still sounds like it'd be an interesting read.

[font=Courier New]As kids, they're abandoned (or born to parents who either don't care or can't afford to support them), so this is how they're treated from day one, basically. They just don't have the inspiration or the courage to revolt because like Ken, they're under the impression that everything is pointless.[/font]

Also curious about how the life of a less than 7 year old worked.

... Also, no women, so far... o_0

[font=Courier New]That'll change. One of the Main Protagonists is a female, she's just yet to be introduced.[/font]

Random thoughts, though since it's just the beginning I wouldn't expect all my questions to be answered from the get go.

[font=Courier New]Why not? A lot of the questions you asked, I completely agreed with, and was kind of bothered by them myself. However, I was satisfied enough with the episode to post it, and I'm hoping to work on those issues in newer chapters.[/font]

8.8/10

[font=Courier New]Getting this high of a score from someone like you who without a doubt knows what you're talking about, and what it takes to make a good story, is just awesome. Thanks! Hopefully some of these questions will be resolved in the next couple of chapters.[/font]
[/quote]

[Weather Report - Stand]

Okay, I looked at the second chapter and typed my observations in order of how I noticed them. Enjoy.

Hmm, Barkeep becomes big bad? Crack fic idea…
Wait, Copy Plant had EYES?! I did NOT know that until you told me they opened! How spontaneous!
Token Replication’s description kinda runs on and on for a second there.
I’m slightly surprised to see Reasoning here, since I have never seen it used in a fic before. Kudos for the golden oldies.
Maybe at ‘“If not,” I grinned.’, you could have written it as ‘“If not…” I told, grinning, “I get to Special Summon it to the field!”’ Or something less awkward as I just typed.
Oboy. Monarch Deck. I like.
Oboy. Not Monarch Deck. I like. Nitro Warrior will always be an incredible kid to me. No matter what they may say, he’s still green. Wait. This isn’t a criticism. It’s a stupid length of text. STOPPPP MEEEE
I half expected Kaz to say “What’s so funny, huh kid huh?!” Just an observation. XuX Wait, that’s a terrible emoticon.
“But that means!” … Maybe change some punctuation there?
I see our main character kid does have some conflicting emotions, making him pretty darn human. Good woik.
KANEKO KORENAGA?! Did I miss something earlier?
Through reading more of this chapter, I’ve made an observation: you put a lot of commas through your descriptions of attacks and whatnot, slowing the pace. Too many commas give an aura of uncertainty and impishness. You have to make everything sound definitive, like you TRULY MEAN IT!! Make everything stand out.
Trivial, but what color was this Mist Wurm? You pointed out everything, sans the sheer confusion of why it was designed blue instead of some valley-ish color. Weird.
Whoops, the other kid has a sad backstory that identifies him with the rest of the cast! That works.
The last paragraph is poignant and awesome. I hope that the next act is all about bringing out MORE TWISTS AND TURNS to make everything keep up the perfect pace. I can’t always sit through a fan fic, but this was excellent, not too drawn-out, and intriguing. CONTINUE!!

But dang, you're getting a lot of good comments. I should be so lucky as to have somebody take a critical look at my fic.

Don't stop til' clear! - Team Nekokan. I think.

[Catterjune]

[quote](i.e. New Domino City in 5D's)[/quote]

This reminds me of one of my favourite web browser based games. In the description for a "Zol", they wrote:

"This is like a Gel, only bigger, and with eyes. If you don't know what a Gel is, this description is pretty meaningless. Unfortunately, it's the only description you're getting."

tl;dr - Never saw 5D's.

[quote]This one is simple. You don't win, you don't eat. A lot of these kids had horrible Decks, and they'd just go out there and duel, losing most of the time as the older people have Decks that actually work. You know what I mean?[/quote]

Right but...

*tries to be more specific*

"You’re given a Deck of Duel Monsters cards"

"You had to bring your Duel Guard at least one card a day."

The Duel Guard GIVES YOU 40 cards the moment you start, and you're asked to give him one card per day. Put two and two together, give him some of the cards he gave you. You shouldn't really be starving for days at a time, you have about 40 days until time is up. (I mean, your cards or your life, at the end of the day. Survive another day and steal cards from someone else. >_>)

[quote]As for me, personally, I gotta wonder why we don't have a tribe of kids working together, a team or something, trying to make themselves better? The best explanation I could think of would be too many opportunities to backstab each other as time goes on, but it still sounds like it'd be an interesting read.[/quote]

Should probably rephrase this.

What I took your chapter to mean was that the Duel Gaurd guy was the one responsible over like, a whole big group of kids. I dunno, maybe it's just my Disney World Land imagination getting the better of me, but I imagine if anyone's gonna help out or w/e, rally the kids to fight against the card gaurd, it'd be the protagonist, back when he was 7. Considering he's still not that horrible of a person, I kind of get the feeling there's some kind of deep, underlaying, not yet explored backstory of a time when Ken tried to help out others in the thing and got completely shafted, leading to his bitterness and such. But that's just me. I dunno, I'd have jumped into that as opposed to a duel, but then again I dislike duels in story. *shrug*


[quote]He was 7 years old. He was scared, and that was the best way to describe his reaction. As a kid, what else would you expect him to do?[/quote]

Two things wrong with that:

1: He was an adult at the time. This takes place during the present. (When he's dueling the two guys.)
2: I think the opposite at first. If you're scared, you "put on a brave face" to hide the fact you're scared. If you're brave... you... put on a scared face? Why would you do that?

[quote]Definitely "bad guy" being "bad guy" for the sake of the plot.[/quote]

T'would be nice to have this mentioned, even if it was just a random throw away line. "Oh man! I wish I hadn't given Kaz all my best Synchros!" just before his life points hit zero. *shrug*

[quote]Anime change? I wasn't sure about that myself, but I decided that hey, it's my story, and a modification to the effect for the purpose of the story would be okay here and there.[/quote]

Ehhh... >_>

Using Enemy Controller or something to switch a token token to attack mode would have been simpler. Sure, it'd have taken away some tension and etc etc. Yeah yeah, your story. Just an annoying nitpick. Figures the TCG mod would pick up a TCG error. *shrug*

[quote]For a reason. Hope is important in this story.[/quote]

"He gives me hope!" Hope for... what exactly? >_>


I've had a few more thoughts since the last time I posted too...

[quote]I didn’t know anything, except that I refused to end up like him. I took his Deck and traded it for money, then left the Training House. I was better off trying to make it on my own than dueling for some loser and hardly any food. I took the other cards and used some to build my Deck, keeping the rest. I’d have to use them later.[/quote]

How exactly does this whole thing work? Who wants a deck to trade for money? What's money used for? How does one "leave" the Training House? Just... leave and never return? He used to "duel for some loser and hardly any food". What does he do now? Duel for himself and... absolutely no food?

I think my biggest concern (for right now) is, if this supposed to be a real, believable world, what's the conversion rate/value of these cards? I mean, in lolGX or lolOriginalSeries, the card's value was whatever it's holder gave it. In this fic, they have a real, monetary value. How many Yu-Gi-Oh cards would you need to trade for a ham sandwich? How much can you sell a card, on average for? All I know is one card is worth some crappy food at a Duel School thing. How much paper money would you get for selling a card? How much paper money would it take to buy food, or a place to live, or to GTFO of Crossroads?

In short, how does the economy work?

[Synchronized]

[quote name=Weather Report - Stand timestamp='1297469170' post='5003342']
Okay, I looked at the second chapter and typed my observations in order of how I noticed them. Enjoy.

Hmm, Barkeep becomes big bad? Crack fic idea…
Wait, Copy Plant had EYES?! I did NOT know that until you told me they opened! How spontaneous!
Token Replication’s description kinda runs on and on for a second there.
I’m slightly surprised to see Reasoning here, since I have never seen it used in a fic before. Kudos for the golden oldies.
Maybe at ‘“If not,” I grinned.’, you could have written it as ‘“If not…” I told, grinning, “I get to Special Summon it to the field!”’ Or something less awkward as I just typed.
Oboy. Monarch Deck. I like.
Oboy. Not Monarch Deck. I like. Nitro Warrior will always be an incredible kid to me. No matter what they may say, he’s still green. Wait. This isn’t a criticism. It’s a stupid length of text. STOPPPP MEEEE
I half expected Kaz to say “What’s so funny, huh kid huh?!” Just an observation. XuX Wait, that’s a terrible emoticon.
“But that means!” … Maybe change some punctuation there?
I see our main character kid does have some conflicting emotions, making him pretty darn human. Good woik.
KANEKO KORENAGA?! Did I miss something earlier?
Through reading more of this chapter, I’ve made an observation: you put a lot of commas through your descriptions of attacks and whatnot, slowing the pace. Too many commas give an aura of uncertainty and impishness. You have to make everything sound definitive, like you TRULY MEAN IT!! Make everything stand out.
Trivial, but what color was this Mist Wurm? You pointed out everything, sans the sheer confusion of why it was designed blue instead of some valley-ish color. Weird.
Whoops, the other kid has a sad backstory that identifies him with the rest of the cast! That works.
The last paragraph is poignant and awesome. I hope that the next act is all about bringing out MORE TWISTS AND TURNS to make everything keep up the perfect pace. I can’t always sit through a fan fic, but this was excellent, not too drawn-out, and intriguing. CONTINUE!!

But dang, you're getting a lot of good comments. I should be so lucky as to have somebody take a critical look at my fic.

Don't stop til' clear! - Team Nekokan. I think.
[/quote]

[b]That was literally like, awesome. To get those comments from people who know how to write, and the fact that even you and Pika had positive things to say about the FanFic gives me a lot of hope (LOL, no pun intended) that this is definitely a story I can continue.[/b]

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1297479602' post='5003622']
This reminds me of one of my favourite web browser based games. In the description for a "Zol", they wrote:

"This is like a Gel, only bigger, and with eyes. If you don't know what a Gel is, this description is pretty meaningless. Unfortunately, it's the only description you're getting."

tl;dr - Never saw 5D's.


[b]My bad. It was a bad description. What I meant was, New Domino City is very machine-based, and technologically advanced, whereas Cross Roads is not.[/b]

Right but...

*tries to be more specific*

"You’re given a Deck of Duel Monsters cards"

"You had to bring your Duel Guard at least one card a day."

The Duel Guard GIVES YOU 40 cards the moment you start, and you're asked to give him one card per day. Put two and two together, give him some of the cards he gave you. You shouldn't really be starving for days at a time, you have about 40 days until time is up. (I mean, your cards or your life, at the end of the day. Survive another day and steal cards from someone else. >_>)

[b]You can't duel with 39 cards. Simple as that. You run out of cards, you run out of food. Once you use one card, you can no longer duel, and you've only got those 40 cards.[/b]


Should probably rephrase this.

What I took your chapter to mean was that the Duel Gaurd guy was the one responsible over like, a whole big group of kids. I dunno, maybe it's just my Disney World Land imagination getting the better of me, but I imagine if anyone's gonna help out or w/e, rally the kids to fight against the card gaurd, it'd be the protagonist, back when he was 7. Considering he's still not that horrible of a person, I kind of get the feeling there's some kind of deep, underlaying, not yet explored backstory of a time when Ken tried to help out others in the thing and got completely shafted, leading to his bitterness and such. But that's just me. I dunno, I'd have jumped into that as opposed to a duel, but then again I dislike duels in story. *shrug*

[b]You're jumping ahead of me here. I've already got something like that planned, but I'm trying to pace this story.[/b]




Two things wrong with that:

1: He was an adult at the time. This takes place during the present. (When he's dueling the two guys.)
2: I think the opposite at first. If you're scared, you "put on a brave face" to hide the fact you're scared. If you're brave... you... put on a scared face? Why would you do that?

[b]I thought you were referring to something else. The "scared face" line was meant as sarcasm.[/b]


T'would be nice to have this mentioned, even if it was just a random throw away line. "Oh man! I wish I hadn't given Kaz all my best Synchros!" just before his life points hit zero. *shrug*

[b]In terms of the story, Frankie's not quite done yet. I had him play the "stupid duelist" in this episode for a reason, which will be explained in Episode 4.[/b]

Ehhh... >_>

Using Enemy Controller or something to switch a token token to attack mode would have been simpler. Sure, it'd have taken away some tension and etc etc. Yeah yeah, your story. Just an annoying nitpick. Figures the TCG mod would pick up a TCG error. *shrug*

[b]Yeah, I know what you mean. I wasn't sure on the ruling but I don't think it hurt the story.[/b]

"He gives me hope!" Hope for... what exactly? >_>

[b]Ha! If I told you, that'd ruin a big part of the plot![/b]


I've had a few more thoughts since the last time I posted too...



How exactly does this whole thing work? Who wants a deck to trade for money? What's money used for? How does one "leave" the Training House? Just... leave and never return? He used to "duel for some loser and hardly any food". What does he do now? Duel for himself and... absolutely no food?

[b]No one is forcing you to stay at the "Training House", but for a lot of kids it's the only way to get food. Simple as that. Cards work as currency, so-to-speak. You give a guy a rare or valuable card, and he gives you food. They work for duels, and as money.[/b]

I think my biggest concern (for right now) is, if this supposed to be a real, believable world, what's the conversion rate/value of these cards? I mean, in lolGX or lolOriginalSeries, the card's value was whatever it's holder gave it. In this fic, they have a real, monetary value. How many Yu-Gi-Oh cards would you need to trade for a ham sandwich? How much can you sell a card, on average for? All I know is one card is worth some crappy food at a Duel School thing. How much paper money would you get for selling a card? How much paper money would it take to buy food, or a place to live, or to GTFO of Crossroads?

[b]Like I said, the cards work as currency.[/b]

In short, how does the economy work?

[b]It's like, cards are currency. The stronger a card is, the more it's worth, sort of thing.[/b]
[/quote]

[Synchronized]

I've posted Episode 3, it's on the front page. I'll update the Cards list tomorrow so you guys have an idea of the effects of the Custom Cards that may not have been explained. Yes, Red Eyes Spirit Dragon will be Kaneko's main card, and I am in the process of making an actual version of the card here on YCM. Once that's complete I'll likely post it.

[dogfish44]

OK, here goes:

First chapter was good and detailed. Brilliant description, and the duel was a good one as well. Blasting The Ruins is a bit too cliche and symbolic for me, but whatever floats you boat. I felt a twinge of sadness that some of the older cards were considered "Lame", particularly Giant Soldier of Stone (I remember when its order was 'Destroy the moon!').

I didn't like chapter 2 AS much, but you did something a lot of writers here don't. You added description to the duel, and it worked. Unlike some duels, where it becomes "A attacked B. Player G activated Trap Card I and Spell Card M." That can get tedious, whilst your writing is a much better style. Nice cliffhanger at then end.

Chappter 3 - First thought is well done. You didn't use Card on Sanctity (Anime Version), so props. I disliked you using Morphing Jar, but it's natural in a fanfic. VERY interesting ending, I spy a plot hook. I wonder what drove Ken to help in reality? Instinct? Boredom? Anyway, it's a good thing he did...

I'm interested, and I'm watching this topic.

[Synchronized]

[quote name='dogfish44' timestamp='1297609898' post='5006639']
OK, here goes:

First chapter was good and detailed. Brilliant description, and the duel was a good one as well. Blasting The Ruins is a bit too cliche and symbolic for me, but whatever floats you boat. I felt a twinge of sadness that some of the older cards were considered "Lame", particularly Giant Soldier of Stone (I remember when its order was 'Destroy the moon!').

[b]I'll be honest, I've tried to stay away from the cliche aspect of this as much as possible. Unfortunately, Blasting the Ruins was the only one I could think of that made sense, being that, well, he'd kept fighting, and even though all hope was lost, he still had a way to win by believing in himself and his cards.[/b]

I didn't like chapter 2 AS much, but you did something a lot of writers here don't. You added description to the duel, and it worked. Unlike some duels, where it becomes "A attacked B. Player G activated Trap Card I and Spell Card M." That can get tedious, whilst your writing is a much better style. Nice cliffhanger at then end.

[b]I've never been a big fan of doing a duel in just one episode. Don't get me wrong, it will definitely happen, but for duels that are more important, I like to stretch them out. The description during duels is what's really challenging for me when I write this, but I'm trying, and like they say, practice makes perfect.[/b]

Chappter 3 - First thought is well done. You didn't use Card on Sanctity (Anime Version), so props. I disliked you using Morphing Jar, but it's natural in a fanfic. VERY interesting ending, I spy a plot hook. I wonder what drove Ken to help in reality? Instinct? Boredom? Anyway, it's a good thing he did...

[b]Morphing Jar was the only thing that would allow him to get the new cards and keep fighting, that's why I used it there.

As for the rest...you'll have to keep reading to find out.[/b]

I'm interested, and I'm watching this topic.
[/quote]

[Tokyo Duel]

*applauds* Star, you've done it again. I'm running out of words to define the sheer majesty of this fan-fic. Keep it up!

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Arashi Idane' timestamp='1297627256' post='5007120']
*applauds* Star, you've done it again. I'm running out of words to define the sheer majesty of this fan-fic. Keep it up!
[/quote]

Oh come on, it's not THAT good.

I'm glad there are people who like it, though.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

I've only read chapter 1, and I say, well, yes, I like it. Which is extremely rare in YCM.

The genre I can see is the typical "Lost World", which reminds me of the new Battle Spirits manga from V Jump. Though IDK about that game I do like these settings where the main character's some badass pro and everyone loses against him, where he's a real hero.

Maybe what adds is how you tend to be pretty darn good at storytelling. You don't add much details, but I'm not saying that's bad. As far as I can see, "Lost World" stories shouldn't be any more slower, it leaves the reader dead.

In short, it's good.

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Darkplant' timestamp='1297676720' post='5008295']
I've only read chapter 1, and I say, well, yes, I like it. Which is extremely rare in YCM.

[b]Thanks :][/b]

The genre I can see is the typical "Lost World", which reminds me of the new Battle Spirits manga from V Jump. Though IDK about that game I do like these settings where the main character's some badass pro and everyone loses against him, where he's a real hero.

[b]Well, I find that the, I don't want to say arrogant but I can't think of another word that works here, "arrogant" protagonist works better. I was always more of a Seto Kaiba fan than I was of Yugi, and you even knew that Seto had a heart because of the way he acted at times. That's the kind of protagonist I like.[/b]

Maybe what adds is how you tend to be pretty darn good at storytelling. You don't add much details, but I'm not saying that's bad. As far as I can see, "Lost World" stories shouldn't be any more slower, it leaves the reader dead.

[b]What do you mean, so to speak? The reason I ask is because I haven't even begun to tap into that part of the storytelling that I can do.[/b]

In short, it's good.

[b]Thanks, I'll take a look at yours, too.[/b]
[/quote]

[Deathcore]

I read all three chapters just now and I'm happy I did.

All three chapters are good and at the end of each cahpter, I'm wanting more. I love protagonists where they (at first) don't believe in themselves and have no hope. I don't like characters like Jaden Yuki or something like that.

The setting is really nice too. I love everything about the "Crossroads" and everything else.

This fan-fic reminds me a lot of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series. Don't know why, but it just reminds me of it. *shrugs*

Anyway, I'm highly looking forward of the next chapter. Terrific job.

[The True Ace Attorney]

Just read it all and, though I do not doubt for a second that it's well written and as much as I like it, it annoys me.

I honestly don't recall seeing a description of Ken. Our protagonist has absolutely no form. But because this is a western setting, I just pictured him as Red from Red Dead Revolver. Though that had some backlash as I made every character fit into that world without regard to their descriptions. Oh, and their voices too. Cowboys are awesome.

Then there's the whole "cards = food" thing or whatever it is. There seems to be some mad things going on there. It's like they've f***ed up the exchange rate somewhere along the way for random goods.

Also, I don't really like the whole "I'ma stick up for that guy because Desmond Tiny told me to" stuff. It's annoying, and unless it's going to be drawn upon later because aliens did it, it seems like a massive excuse.

Then there's the "I'm not a rich boy, I'm a poor boy"... boy. Not to mention his convenient links to a Duel Academy that protagonist #1 happens to like as well as the vague "the world will end" stuff he's going on about. It's especially ludicrous when you think about the community he's talking about. Unless they worship Cthulhu or Dagon or something I'm not buying it.

My biggest concern however, is the faulty dueling. The token shouldn't have changed position because Nitro Warrior's effect only activates once per turn and nothing else that was activated would've changed the token's position.

Then there's the probable business with it returning to the extra deck. If my knowledge serves right, when things activate during the end phase, they activate in the same order as they were originally activated though in a chain-like fashion. In other words, though Temporary Merge was activated first, during the End Phase, when it's effect takes hold, before anything happens, Dual Destruction would chain and take priority, thus destroying Nitro Warrior.

Other than those nitpicks, I'm finding this a great read. I honestly do not like Ken as a character but I'm just going to mentally substitute in Deadpool or something for a while. Seriously though, keep working on this.

EDIT: And don't be hating on Blizzard Dragon's wings. If you play Monster Hunter 2/3 you'll know that those wings can carry a deadly beast through the air. Just look at the Tigrex and Barioth. A couple of deadly ice wyverns right there my man.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Here's WR's 2-cent approach, as you asked for it and you got it! *SUPERSTAR...*

Huh. I don’t remember him lying on the ground at the end of the last one. Oh well, however it works for you new-age retro kids…
Still noticing rampant commas. IF YOU ARE A MAN, YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT HESITATION, SO DO IIIIIIIIT!! Or a woman.
OH SNAP TEXT BLOCK TIME!!!! Watch out for them.
Light Archer? Well, they didn’t have much else to choose from, so I can’t complain.
Blizzard Dragon is pretty cool here. COOL AS ICCCCCCEEEEEEEEE
Finally! Somebody realizes that in order to win a Duel, you can just beat UP the other guy! Finally! And whoever spits the least blood is the winner.
For such a serious story, you sure let the holograms take a lot outta this kid here…?
Woah! EVERYBODY in this desert wants all the kids to be depressed! It’s like they ALL want nobody to matter or something!
Oh boy, Red-Eyes. EUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH. Just wondering, where was the build-up to this sort of monster? Just wondering, because usually main characters have some connection to their signature monster. ONCE TOLD I SHALL BE SATIATED.
Wait… is it because his Spirit Dragon REMOVES ALL HOPE OF A COMEBACK? ….. I’m waiting for applause of some sort here.
BAAAAAAAAAAARKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!! Who woulda thunk HE was the big bad? Derp derp. But really, keeping an iron grip around an entire town while simultaneously handing drinks out to everyone, what a guy…
OH MY GOSH. CARDS WILL DESTROY THE WORLD. AGAIN.

And those were my comments as I read it. Overall, I'd say this was actually my least favorite chapter so far. The second was the best for its overall tone and settingstuffs, but the third... meh, it felt less climactic. And then the ending... I sorta lost a little bit more of my Willing Suspension of Disbelief once they said 'SAVE THE WORLD'. WHAT WILL IT MEAN?! Of COURSE I'm not going to stop reading, but it just worries me a little, seeing that phrase in some form in a 'serious' storyline. It can be thrown around in any campy comedy, but...

I digress! I have to shut up sometime. Keep going and I'd like to see what you do from here.

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Deathcore' timestamp='1297720183' post='5008972']
I read all three chapters just now and I'm happy I did.

All three chapters are good and at the end of each cahpter, I'm wanting more. I love protagonists where they (at first) don't believe in themselves and have no hope. I don't like characters like Jaden Yuki or something like that.

The setting is really nice too. I love everything about the "Crossroads" and everything else.

This fan-fic reminds me a lot of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series. Don't know why, but it just reminds me of it. *shrugs*

Anyway, I'm highly looking forward of the next chapter. Terrific job.
[/quote]

[b]I like the Cross Roads setting, too. It's something that I spent a lot of time trying to come up with and though they won't always be there, a big portion of the story will play out there. I'm not sure what "Dark Tower" is, to be honest with you. Care to explain?[/b]

[quote name='The True Ace Attorney' timestamp='1297723346' post='5009099']
Just read it all and, though I do not doubt for a second that it's well written and as much as I like it, it annoys me.

I honestly don't recall seeing a description of Ken. Our protagonist has absolutely no form. But because this is a western setting, I just pictured him as Red from Red Dead Revolver. Though that had some backlash as I made every character fit into that world without regard to their descriptions. Oh, and their voices too. Cowboys are awesome.

[b]That was a mistake I made. There is a description of Ken, fully, but short, in Episode 4. It's something I wanted to explain, and it's brief, yet gives you a good visual of the character. I suppose I should have done it in the first episode to better the description, but that was my mistake.[/b]

Then there's the whole "cards = food" thing or whatever it is. There seems to be some mad things going on there. It's like they've f***ed up the exchange rate somewhere along the way for random goods.

[b]Now that part has a viable explanation behind it that will be explained. There's a reason cards are currency, and I'll go in into it in Episodes 4 & 5.[/b]

Also, I don't really like the whole "I'ma stick up for that guy because Desmond Tiny told me to" stuff. It's annoying, and unless it's going to be drawn upon later because aliens did it, it seems like a massive excuse.

[b]Huh? I'm not sure what you mean there.[/b]

Then there's the "I'm not a rich boy, I'm a poor boy"... boy. Not to mention his convenient links to a Duel Academy that protagonist #1 happens to like as well as the vague "the world will end" stuff he's going on about. It's especially ludicrous when you think about the community he's talking about. Unless they worship Cthulhu or Dagon or something I'm not buying it.

[b]The Duel Academy will not play a big part in this. Literally, there will be a total of three episodes that involve Duel Academy, and that will be all. It's basically a backdrop for Lucas' Deck type, which will be explained, and there's an essential part of the story that will begin there.[/b]

My biggest concern however, is the faulty dueling. The token shouldn't have changed position because Nitro Warrior's effect only activates once per turn and nothing else that was activated would've changed the token's position.

[b]Like I said, I was unsure of the ruling. Now that I know, of course I won't do that again. I didn't know the ruling that it could only be used once per turn, and Dual Destruction was sort of like a way for him to attack again, and I didn't realize the effect wasn't usable more than once.[/b]

Then there's the probable business with it returning to the extra deck. If my knowledge serves right, when things activate during the end phase, they activate in the same order as they were originally activated though in a chain-like fashion. In other words, though Temporary Merge was activated first, during the End Phase, when it's effect takes hold, before anything happens, Dual Destruction would chain and take priority, thus destroying Nitro Warrior.

[b]This one I admit I did for the purpose of the story. I knew Dual Destruction would've activated first, but, the story wouldn't have ended well, would it? So, I sort of "bended the rules" for the story.[/b]

Other than those nitpicks, I'm finding this a great read. I honestly do not like Ken as a character but I'm just going to mentally substitute in Deadpool or something for a while. Seriously though, keep working on this.

[b]Thanks. I mean yeah it still needs a lot of work, but I appreciate people taking the time to point out criticisms. I'll work on these things.[/b]

EDIT: And don't be hating on Blizzard Dragon's wings. If you play Monster Hunter 2/3 you'll know that those wings can carry a deadly beast through the air. Just look at the Tigrex and Barioth. A couple of deadly ice wyverns right there my man.

[b]Just trying to describe as best I can.[/b]
[/quote]


[quote name='Weather Report - Stand' timestamp='1297728468' post='5009285']
Here's WR's 2-cent approach, as you asked for it and you got it! *SUPERSTAR...*

Huh. I don’t remember him lying on the ground at the end of the last one. Oh well, however it works for you new-age retro kids…
Still noticing rampant commas. IF YOU ARE A MAN, YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT HESITATION, SO DO IIIIIIIIT!! Or a woman.
OH SNAP TEXT BLOCK TIME!!!! Watch out for them.

[b]I know. Ever since you brought it up, I've been trying to avoid it, but I keep doing it for some reason. In Episode 4, I've worked more on that.[/b]

Light Archer? Well, they didn’t have much else to choose from, so I can’t complain.

[b]I like it. I've actually posted a Spoiler on the first post with links to all of the cards and their effects so that everyone can see what they do.[/b]

Blizzard Dragon is pretty cool here. COOL AS ICCCCCCEEEEEEEEE
Finally! Somebody realizes that in order to win a Duel, you can just beat UP the other guy! Finally! And whoever spits the least blood is the winner.
For such a serious story, you sure let the holograms take a lot outta this kid here…?

[b]I'm not sure on this one. I wanted it to be somewhat realistic. This takes place after 5D's, so I guess you could attribute it to the Ener-D system making the Duel Energy real?[/b]

Woah! EVERYBODY in this desert wants all the kids to be depressed! It’s like they ALL want nobody to matter or something!

[b]There's a reason behind it.[/b]

Oh boy, Red-Eyes. EUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH. Just wondering, where was the build-up to this sort of monster? Just wondering, because usually main characters have some connection to their signature monster. ONCE TOLD I SHALL BE SATIATED.

[b]That was something I should have done, but didn't Red Eyes Spirit Dragon is his "key card", and there is a Custom Card Version of the card posted with all of the effect details.[/b]

Wait… is it because his Spirit Dragon REMOVES ALL HOPE OF A COMEBACK? ….. I’m waiting for applause of some sort here.
BAAAAAAAAAAARKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!! Who woulda thunk HE was the big bad? Derp derp. But really, keeping an iron grip around an entire town while simultaneously handing drinks out to everyone, what a guy…
OH MY GOSH. CARDS WILL DESTROY THE WORLD. AGAIN.

[b]Not quite. It doesn't work the way its implied.[/b]

And those were my comments as I read it. Overall, I'd say this was actually my least favorite chapter so far.

[b]Fair enough.[/b]

The second was the best for its overall tone and settingstuffs, but the third... meh, it felt less climactic. And then the ending... I sorta lost a little bit more of my Willing Suspension of Disbelief once they said 'SAVE THE WORLD'. WHAT WILL IT MEAN?!

[b]I actually changed the ending because it was a lot worse. I wanted to get the point across while not going too much into the "SAVE THE WORLD" thing.[/b]

Of COURSE I'm not going to stop reading, but it just worries me a little, seeing that phrase in some form in a 'serious' storyline. It can be thrown around in any campy comedy, but...

[b]Don't worry. There's a lot more to the story than it seems.[/b]

I digress! I have to shut up sometime. Keep going and I'd like to see what you do from here.
[/quote]

[Deathcore]

Star, "Dark Tower" is a western book about the last gunslinger and his quest to the Dark Tower, where he hopes his life would have meaning. At the start of the series, the gunslinger, Roland, has no hope left and he's alone because all his friends and family is gone. But he later has his little gang of gunslingers. It's hard to explain, but it basically about a gang of gunslingers and their quest to the Dark Tower.

Oh, something I forgot to put in my last post, but just make sure you don't go overboard with the "hope" stuff. It got annoying at times.

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Deathcore' timestamp='1297735986' post='5009599']
Star, "Dark Tower" is a western book about the last gunslinger and his quest to the Dark Tower, where he hopes his life would have meaning. At the start of the series, the gunslinger, Roland, has no hope left and he's alone because all his friends and family is gone. But he later has his little gang of gunslingers. It's hard to explain, but it basically about a gang of gunslingers and their quest to the Dark Tower.

Oh, something I forgot to put in my last post, but just make sure you don't go overboard with the "hope" stuff. It got annoying at times.
[/quote]

[b]Yeah, the hope thing did go a bit overboard. It's not going to be as important anymore, it was just a character turnaround, somewhat. Though, I don't want Ken to lose that part of his personality, either.[/b]

[Anbu-of-Sand]

Just read Chapter 3. And I gotta say, wasn't as 'impressive' as previous Chapters. I'm also (no offense) getting somewhat annoyed on how much you use the word 'Hope'. Just saying, your somewhat overdoing it. The last part about the 'End of the World' seems so....unpredictable. In a good and bad way. From what we (the readers) have read so far, there are no signs of any 'Ending the World' plans and whatnot. I can only assume that behind the brutality of the Cross Roads, the Barkeep is working on some plan / experiment can indeed end the world. That's all I got really.

Oh, and review mine soon ploxx?

[WHERE ARE MY CHEETOS SYRUS]

I read all episodes and i want to join but... how do i? is it like digimon RPG where you fill out a forum?

Name: Bla blah
Digimon: blah blah blah
Age:

You get my point.

[The True Ace Attorney]

"End of the world" seems to be the most hated part of this so far. Honestly though, there isn't any unwarranted hate for it either. Look at who you're placing the world-destroying potential with. A bunch of violent drunkard cowboys. I'm still sticking with my views on that. Unless they worship some weird God, I'm calling shenanigans.

Oh, and the "I'm doing this because Desmond Tiny told me" thing was a reference to the Cirque Du Freak Saga by Darren Shan. Basically, take the "mond" from "Desmond Tiny" and you'll get it, whether or not you've read the books.