Gifted [Please Read / Rate] [Current Chapter: Mission 002]

[Tokyo Duel]

[center][img]http://www.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/a8a18f63fb.jpg[/img][/center]



[font="Courier New"][spoiler= Mission 000: Indrotuction][/font]
We were bred to fight. We were bred to adapt. We were bred to kill. Our only mission is quite simple. Eliminate any country not under Aru's rule. To ensure that our mission is a success, they armed us with abilities that to most seem far fetched or something you'd see out of a comic book. Thus we have been labled "Gifted" by the rest of Aru. That pisses me off. To be gifted, you must never question your "gift" and just go with it, without any regrets.

We're simply children; the vast majority of us aren't even eighteen. Actually, the vast majority of us never made it to eigtheen. Aru's head of the operation made a special division, speciffically to kidnapped chidren from anywhere at any time. In my case, I was kidnapped straight out of my home in broad daylight. My brother was as well. They shot and killed our parents in front of our very eyes. We tried to fight back, but we weren't armed and we were outmatched.

We were knocked out and taken to their remote experiment lab in some far off island. I was strapped to a hospital bed, the kind where movement is impossible. During the experiment, they woke me up for the sheer excitement of it. The agonizing pain was unendurable. My entire body was writhing and jerking, hoping for this nightmare to end. In fact...I died for three minutes without anyone attempting to bring me back. As they were about to leave me be, something caught one's attention. My heart began to beat, as was shown on their monitors. Believe me, I'dve loved to kill them there. But I was still weak, and I needed to regain my strength. I mean if you died, you wouldn't be in tip-top shape the minute you were brought back.

I was trasnported to the Aru Experiment Head Quarters, the most secured prison-like place ever, but it's far worse then prison. You are aloud no visitors, there are no beds. Bathroom breaks? Try twice a day. When you are aloud to eat and drink, which is only once a day for both, it's crap and it's not much. Life is hell. Our abilities are neutralized in the building, so we can't fight back.

Aru thinks they have this game all won, and the peices are us, the Gifted. They think the world shall be united under a single flag: theirs. The future is bleak, but I won't break. My name is Maiishi Idane. And I still believe that things will get better. After all, they can't get much worse, right?[/spoiler]

[font="Courier New"][spoiler= Mission 001 - Test][/font]
I awoke to the sound of rain. Well, rain and the sounds of screaming, but mainly the rain. There was something special about this rain...it seemed easy. Calming. Even soothing. That threw me for a loop. How could things be calm or soothing in [b]this[/b] hell hole? I heard footsteps. Probably one of the guards, which more then likely meant a "sparring" match. Their defintion of sparring certainly didn't match mine. In a sparring match, I'm pretty sure you don't kill your opponents, or at least intentionally.

"Idane, get your ass up," one said. "Time for your practicing."

Ah. So this is what they were calling it these days? How long had it been since I last got to get out and stretch? Still, I loved toying with the guards. Primarilly because I was the only one who was aloud to do it. "Practicing, eh?" I said. "Maybe later. I'm busy planning my escape."

The guards laughed. "You? Escape? See, your brother was the only one who managed to do-" While that guard was too busy talking, I smashed their heads together. "Don't mention my brother," I said sternly, stepping carefully over their unconcious bodies. "And I can escort myself, thank you very much."

I stepped in the caged colloseum. At the very top I could make out the silhouette of a figure. "Probably the Director..." I thought. The Director was the head of the Aru government. And as much as it pissed me off, I was his prized weapon. He was probably lounging in his luxorious chair, ready to see a spectacle.

Just one abomination which was children fused with other children came out to 'play'. Something seemed different about this one. Not just that, they normally sent three after me. This one gave off an energy that only a Gifted could give off. "No..." I thought. "They fused a few of the Gifted just to test my abilities?!"

It lunged at me. I guess I didn't have much time to think. It came near centimeters of splitting my head open. Luckily, I had the advantage. My ability: teleportation. Gone. Just like that. It had one of the hands stuck in the wall. "Strength is one of the abilities..."

Then, it made a clone of itself. "Cloning?! This isn't fair!" I thought. Suddenly, it launched a ball of fire at me, causing me to smile. I could use that smoke. I attempted to disappear. No luck. Something froze my body. I looked down. The real abomination wasn't just a pyromaniac. It had cyromancy in it's arsonal. Super strength. Cloning. Pyromancy. Cyromancy. What the hell were these people thinking?! Four kids were fused together to test me?! Then I felt the heat. This...was going to hurt.

The fireball cleared, with the smoke. The abomination smiled, feeling accomplished, if it did. Sadly, it didn't have much smarts. The ice it used to freeze me melted as the fireball drew near, letting me go. The second I teleported to it, I delivered a fatal blow to a pressure point, ending it's life. I glared at the room where the Director was in. "All to test me..." I thought. "All to test me..."[/spoiler]


[font="Courier New"][spoiler= Misson 002: Time is Money {Part 1}][/font]
I went to bed after that little "sparring match". During my sleep, I heard a calling. A voice was calling out to me. It was a voice I know, yet I've never heard. Who was it? The voice was calming...like the rain. Then it was interrupted abruptly to the sound of those guard's. "Idane, get your ass up!" one said.

"The Director wants you to settle a dispute," the other said.

"That's not my problem," I said. "I didn't start it, so I honestly don't care."

They responded with their tazers. Yay. Unable to fight back, they dragged me by my legs to the training grounds, where three people stood waiting. Luckily, I'm a quick healer. Always have been, even before my "gift". "That Maiishi?" a tall, skinny one said. "Yeah, that's the loser," a guard said. "Kill him; the Director would kill us if he died at our hands."

I realized that these two guards were the two guards I knocked out yesterday. And I recognized these guys. The tall one, skinny one was in control. Litterally. Time was simply his puppet. And he only did things if he was getting paid. So the guards had to have been paying him royally. His name isn't really known, so we just call him Clock. The other two were his "friends". They were probably just hanging with him because he had money, that, and he was the only person who could hold his own against me. One of them (nicknamed Aero because of his ability to manipulate wind and oxygen) was abnormally skinny and average in height. The other guy was abnormally fat and tall(his name was Tank for obvious resons. Go figure.

Tank charged at me. I, obviously responded by teleporting behind him. I tried to break his neck. Bad idea. His entire body was made purely of a new metal that can endure almost anything. P.S. It doesn't twist. It's called tantrium.

He grabbed my hands and slammed to the ground, knocking the air out of me. Then Aero used that air that was eradicated from my body, intensified it's pressure, and sent it at me at maximum velocity, pushing me further into the ground. Tank jumped into the ground where I was dazed. I saw him coming towards me, and if he hit, I'dve been crushed.

Good thing he didn't hit.

When the smoke cleared, he was knocked sensless, but I wasn't there. I appereared behind Aero, and grabbed his arms(his arms were key to his ability). However, he's also a tad flexible, and he flipped around me. My arms were only able to go so far behind me, and his arms were almost touching my back. He sent a wave of air at maximum velocity, causing smoke. When the smoke cleared, I was at the wall, bleeding and my clothes were basically ripped to shreds.

Clock smiled. "I guess that's that then...he can't take out one of us. After all, it was Tank's stupidity that caused him to knock out..."

Clock then approached me. This...wouldn't end well.[/spoiler]

[GreyCat]

I tell you this from the view point of an avid reader: It sounds great. If I saw this on the back of a book, I [i]would[/i] buy it. While it can be said that the idea has been used, with thousands of writers out there and centuries work of literature, it is impossible to a completely original plot. What is important is how you present said plot. So far, the grammar and writing style looks great. You have bit of a first person smartass (or that could just be the opening narration) but am looking forward to reading this. There are also hints at your protagonist's character are present as well as sign of him being a likable one. Overall, it looks pretty promising.

[Tokyo Duel]

Chapter One is up ^^

[Tokyo Duel]

BUMP

[GreyCat]

Now it's time for Critique with Grey!

Our lead seems to have developed into a heartened cynic (the rain woke him, and not the screams. Lol!) Considering the conditions he is in, that kind of response can be seen as way of coping. For his choice of powers, I say well played. Teleportation is not one of the many overused powers but is not too foreign to use that we can't imagine what may come next. Overall, I enjoyed the development thus far, am curious to read about other gifted, and devising the best plan for him the break out. Good Work

[Tokyo Duel]

Much thanks Grey ^^
The reason why the screaming didn't wake him is because he grew accustomed to it. It happens every night and day, and he just built a tolerance to it. The thing about me is I like chosing things that aren't thought of that much. You'll see that in Mission 002, which I might post either some time today (or right now), or tomorrow.

[Legend Zero]

Overall it was a nice read, the plot was a nice change of pace from Yu-Gi-Oh fics. I do have some concerns...

1. Ryan Matthews? The name is kinda bland, nothing to really make him stand out as the protagonist. It still isn't to late to change it.

2. I question the decision to make him 'the best' right off the bat, this coupled with stating that his brother is the only to have escaped leaves few choices in which to make stronger opponents.

3. You mentioned that most (if not all) are kids under 18. I'm interested in how Ryan looks and his actual age, this could have been done descriptively during the fight.

Other than those I do wish the chapters were longer, but I am drawn in. I do have a few name ideas, if you're interested. (PM me) You may have plans but these are my honest opinions.

[Tokyo Duel]

I have trouble with stand out names, besides Endal Rayne...but...that's too original. His brother is considered a legend, as no one ever was able to escape. But with his brother gone, he is the strongest. Teleportation isn't his only thing. He was designed to kill; knowing every single lethal pressure point in the human body. But I'll take upon your advice.

[Tokyo Duel]

BUMP

And I have the name updated

[judedudemude]

i like this seem good ......... i look forward to the next chapter (i wonder if you can get a manga and or anime deal using this as the story/plot ?)

you think liike me when it comes to super powers something easy but can provide many different opitonals

as for the comments about him having stronger opponents

(time control)

(limbs that can grow in very long lenght)

(air pessure control this one is a real fun one that not aot of people think about use this power to alter air pessure to make a shield make high amount air preesure under the feet for the ability to fly using power of air pressure around his/her opponent to slow him down (so munch pressure on the person makes it diffuilt to move) using air preesure behind his/her back to increase his running speed theree proably a few more that i didnt think about .....)

[Tokyo Duel]

Finally! Someone who decided to rate my story! WITHOUT MY ASKING!!! XD

Yeah, I was thinking of stronger opponents. I'll definitly have a time guy as a main fight. The other two could perhaps be goons. You'll see what I mean after I post Mission 002 ;D

[judedudemude]

well the air pressure dude would be quite a changlle snice he can slow down his oppenent make powerfull winds (wind is simply high air pressure area to lower air pressure area) use air pressure to make a shield to protect himself

so with that said he can be quite a powerhouse kind of guy

[GreyCat]

Critique with Grey!

The story development is moving nicely. Revenge is always a beautiful thing. The descriptions of the fight scenes are going nicely, but you could work the wording a bit to make it easier to follow and more dynamic. For example:
[color="#00BFFF"]"He sent a wave of air at maximum velocity, causing smoke. When the smoke cleared, I was at the wall, bleeding and my clothes were basically ripped to shreds."[/color]
could be:
[color="#708090"]"He sent a blast of air at maximum velocity, kicking up a cloud of smoke. By the time it cleared, I was at the wall, bleeding, and my clothes were basically ripped to shreds." [/color]

But I still like these chapters and really want to see how he gets out of this one.


And to jump into the power debates: You are thinking too small with wind. On a large scale, think [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microburst"]Microburst[/url]. One a Smaller scale, the vacuum effect of being in the center of a vortex or air. On a more gruesome scale; imploding or exploding the lungs with rapid air movements.