Kale Posted January 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 [quote name='Lord Ursus' timestamp='1294353949' post='4916255'] Why did you not enlighten me of this? :/ I'll read it and give you a review by tomorrow. I'm sure I'll enjoy it. [/quote] sorry, i didn't really PM anyone about anything recently. =/ i've lost the habit. This one isn't too great, but that is only because i want to learn from what i have lost. Now that i have great feedback from my awesome friends here i can truly knock your socks off. Or... i can sure try too. If you find that you don't like this first chapter, please give the next one a shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ursus Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Rather excellent chapter, though admittely, not your best work. Still, I'll enjoy watching this work of yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 [spoiler='Growing Praise and Adulation Episode 14: Roots']Chapter 1 The sky is beautiful today. [b]You can’t tell, of course, but Kale has indents before each of his paragraphs. Rumor has it this is how it’s done in the real word, but forums don’t pick up on indents, so instead we double space between paragraphs. Maybe you noticed.[/b] It is one of life’s most simple pleasures, the sky, and everyone I have met would choose not to agree. [b]The word ‘simple’ should be modified by changing it to the superlative form ‘simplest’ - rather than with something like ‘most’ - because, of course, ‘simple’ is an adjective, and adjectives modify nouns, not other adjectives. Ah, it feels good to get back to my grammar-picking roots.[/b] [i]Why look at the sky?[/i] they ask me, [i]when you need to concentrate on what is in front of you?[/i] That’s true. For where I live I need to keep my wits about me. [b]While you can start a phrase with ‘for’ (as in “…for in those days, everyone mained three copies of Shapesnatch.”), it’s generally not done because it sounds old fashioned. Also, you can’t start a sentence with it, because it turns it into a dependent clause. [s]In other[/s] another words, put a comma after ‘true’ or just drop ‘for’.[/b] I need to know everything that is happening around me, at least when I’m not alone. But am I ever not alone? [b]No…we’re all connected. No matter how far away we are, our bonds can never be broken! Accel Synchro! Be born, Shooting Star Dragon! Wow. That transitions amazingly.[/b] Down the street I ride, remarking the sky’s reverent beauty. [b]This is in present tense. There’s not (much) of a problem with that, but…well, let’s talk again a sentence from now. My main concern is that gerund there in your dependent clause – ‘remarking’. You could be “remarking [i]on[/i] the sky” or “marking the sky”, I suppose (as in the “…mark my words” kind of ‘mark’). You’re probably not remarking on it, because you haven’t said anything aloud, and actually haven’t made any observations about this particular sky, just the pleasure of looking at skies in general. If you think that’s all I can say about this sentence, you obviously don’t know me yet. Describing beauty as ‘reverent’ seems like the sort of mistake nature documentaries might make on an off-day, or used by smaller, seedier tourist agencies to describe Alaska. What I’m saying is that ‘reverent’ is being improperly used – its meaning subconsciously meant to connect back to the subject, where the intention is to say that the subject is reverent in the face of that beauty.[/b] A cloud hung overhead. I could see it move, albeit slowly. [b]And now we’re in past tense. Of course. And a cloud that appears to be moving slowly is actually moving at a good clip, just 10,000 feet or more above you.[/b] I wish I could be as carefree as that cloud, to not have to worry about where I am going, to move at a constant, slow pace and not worry about anyone stopping me. I wish I could fly, to be up high and away from this terrible city that is around me. [b]There is a name for this kind of introspection. It was invented by Square Soft a few decades back – it’s called brooding. The only way to make brooding even slightly tolerable is if the brooder is as smexy as, say, for example, Lelouch vi Britannia. I don’t know who your main character is, but I doubt he’s this year’s Lelouch.[/b] Sirens. I hear them from behind me. I glance down at my speedometer and see that I am blasting down the highway at an intense 100 miles per hour. That’s interesting, I didn’t notice. No wonder I hear sirens. [b]Actually, they’re probably after you because you switched back to present tense.[/b] I take a quick shot over my shoulder to see one Law Enforcer, speeding up toward me on his motorcycle. [b]Law Enforcer Level 25 HP: 350 MAX DMG: 38 DEF: 23 EXP GIVEN: 1400 ITEMS DROPPED: Security Helmet, Dumb-Looking Mullet Yes, from now on, I’m going to do this for anything Capitalized Inappropriately.[/b] If he’s coming after me anyway, might as well give him a run for his money, right? I cranked the accelerator and zoomed forward on my own bike, headed down the near empty highway. [b]You cranked the accelerator while you’re at 100 miles per hour?[/b] The Enforcer caught up to me quickly. “You are breaking the law!” he said, his voice sounded mechanical from behind his helmet, “Pull over now!” He was right alongside me. Together we were going about 160 down the road. The speed didn’t affect him either. Strange. “I said pull over!” he repeated. I changed lanes at the last minute, speeding right down an off-ramp. The Enforcer never saw it coming. I quickly sped through a red light and merged into traffic, barely slipping between the crammed cars on the freeway below me. I never saw that Enforcer again. I coasted to a halt at the entrance to what appeared to be a garage, or a simple storage facility. It was just one unit, enough for perhaps two cars and a few boxes all together. It was enough space for me and my bike. [b]Notice a slight problem here. Since the speaker is looking at what appears to be his home, he wouldn’t refer to it by what it looks like it might be, but rather what he knows it is, in reference to himself. He might call it “my home” or “my garage” or “my friggin’ dump”.[/b] I pressed a button on my dashboard and the door opened, pulling up into the building. [b]So the door pulled up into the building? Guess again.[/b] I hopped off the bike and pushed it into the empty space before me and closed the door behind me. Everything looked normal in my quasi-apartment. [b]Why? Were you concerned the dreaded night gnomes came by whilst you were out and replaced all your furniture with [i]ab[/i]normal furniture?[/b] My couch, my bookshelf, the radio. Clothes were strewn about the floor in small piles throughout the place. I had tools scattered around my bike’s spot, as well as bottles of motor oil and gasoline. Though slovenly, I could tell if my place had been tampered with. I walked over to my coffee table, which rested in front of my couch, to look at the stack of familiar magazines. Sitting amongst the copies of [i]Resistance[/i], [i]Gears[/i] and [i]Flame Ring[/i] was one I had never seen before, a copy of [i]Cosmo[/i]. Someone is here. [b]So somebody was able to not move [i]anything[/i] but accidentally left a magazine lying around? What is this, some crime show that I haven’t watched because I don’t watch much TV where stuff like that conveniently happens?[/b] I turned around, looking toward the refrigerator. If someone stood right in its shadow it would be easy to miss them if you weren’t looking for them. [b]You should probably invest in better lighting.[/b] “Show yourself,” I calmly called out into the darkness of my apartment. [b]Stop for a minute. When’s this last time you analyzed the qualities of your actions. Adverbs demonstrate a conscious choice to aggrandize or put down the subject. It seems strange, but it’s true – adverbs can often be problematic to your writing. It seems here that the speaker is emphasizing how amazingly collected they are in the face of danger.[/b] I heard a small chuckle, a woman’s voice. “You figured me out.” “It’s quite easy when you leave clues in plain sight,” is replied, picking up the magazine to prove my point. [b]You could at least have brought me a [i]National Geographic[/i] or something.[/b] “I didn’t expect it to be difficult for you, Red...” “Only my friends call me Red,” I interjected. [b]And I don’t have any friends.[/b] “Fine, Justin,” the woman replied. “What are you doing here?” I asked. “You.” [b]Let’s analyze this for a moment. The answer to the question “what are you doing here?” is “you”, so the full answer is “I’m doing you”. Now that you’ve finished laughing because that’s obviously the most hai-[i]larious[/i] thing you’ve ever heard, let’s go back to the mechanics of the thing – a better answer would be “waiting for you”. You’re welcome.[/b] “What for?” The woman laughed, “You don’t even know your own worth!” “You mean the bounty?” I asked. Great, a bounty hunter. [b]Something about the scum of the galaxy or something…? God, I’m sorry, I’ll re-watch some [i]Star Wars[/i].[/b] “Yes. Surely you didn’t think that you could just hide out here? It was easy finding you,” she replied. If some woman could just find me at my place, surely anyone could. [b]Because everyone knows [i]women[/i] can’t do anything, so if a [i]woman[/i] can do it, then a [i]real[/i] person could definitely do it.[/b] How did this happen? What’d I do wrong? “You know I won’t come quietly.” “I thought at much. It’s why you haven’t been caught yet.” “And why I refuse to be caught.” [b]Duelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduel[/b] I think the woman smirked, but I couldn’t tell in the darkness. She raised her arm in front of her. “I challenge you to a duel, Justin “the Red” Tanner, winner takes all.” “What would I want from you?” I returned. “You’ll see,” she said as her duel disk activated in front of her. [b]You seem to be missing the concept of how these duels work. Each person wagers something. You’re not going to accept the duel unless your opponent’s wager has some value to you. Imagine if you put up, say, a boat, and your opponent put up the [i]Mystery[/i] Box. Not really comparable, particularly if you’ve watched [i]Family Guy[/i] and already know what’s in the box.[/b] I pulled off my jacket. On my arm was a small, metal contraption of my own design. It was smaller, but it worked just the same as those gaudy things everyone else wore. I activated my duel disk, the duel begun. [b]Began.[/b] “The challenged goes first,” the lady began. [b]Wow, somebody actually knows how this works.[/b] She was mysterious. The light radiating from our duel disks lit up the room enough to see her. Her hair was long and dark. She wore only a small, burgundy shirt that clung tightly to her body. It was matched by a short, black skirt, which went nicely with her svelte, black boots. [b]In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that she is, in fact, wearing more than a burgundy shirt.[/b] Who was this chick? “I draw,” I said. I liked my hand, I felt like my win could be easy. Depending on what she had up her sleeve. “I set one monster face-down, as well as two more face-downs, then end my turn.” [b]Leaving us to assume the card holograms actually appeared. It’s usually best to specify that these “two more” face-downs are backrow cards. For example, “I set a monster face-down and set two face-down cards,” except that’s not very nice reading, so maybe “I Set a monster in face-down Defense Position and two face-down cards”.[/b] “My turn!” she said as she drew a card. “I summon Gearex Rose!” A creature of mechanical nature appeared before her, though it was in the shape of a rose. ATK: 1600 [b]Actually a “Gearex” monster would have to be a mechanical dinosaur. Here’s the best way to list monster stats: (ATK 1000/DEF 1000). Do so right after the name of the monster. If you’re feeling like putting more detail, you can use any of these, too: (DARK Machine-Type ATK 1000/DEF 1000 Level 3 Tuner). Obviously you can play around with the order to come up with a system you like best, but that’s the most reasonable, I think[/b] “Attack his face-down monster!” [b]No attack names? Aw…[/b] The machine flower raced forward, the card flipped on my side of the field. It revealed a small, amorphous being. It was solid black, though it did seem to have a shield. DEF: 1700 “Seems that I win,” I said. “Not quite,” the woman said, “when my monster attacks a Defense Position monster with higher Defense Points than my monster’s Attack Points, the monster is destroyed at the end of the Damage Step!” The Rose flailed its bio-mechanical arm at the creature, which bounced off. Although, it left a small thorn in the middle of the shield. [b]That’s not a sentence.[/b] As the flower returned to her side of the field, the thorn on my creature’s shield exploded. [b]Is it just me, or has she not lost the Life Points for attacking whatever the blobby thingy was?[/b] “Activate Trap! Nebula Launch!” The card below me lifted up, revealing the Trap beneath. “When a monster I control is destroyed and would be sent to the Graveyard, I can instead remove it from play. Then I gain 100 Life Points for each level of the monster.” [b]Wow, that’s one of the worst Trap Cards I’ve seen in a long time.[/b] The shards of the creature disappeared into a cloud of smoke. Red: 8000 ~ 8300 ???: 8000 ~ 7900 [b]There we go.[/b] “I place two cards face down, then end my turn.” What could this woman be planning? “You’re playing into my hand,” I said, “My draw!” To be continued... [b]Dun dun DUN!!! It’s decent. It doesn’t establish much of a premise nor does it suggest any possible reason for it to be called “Resistance Chronicles”, but there’s not a lot actively wrong with it. Except for Nebula Launch. That’s just awful.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Dr. Cakey, Thank you for your reply. I like to see that there are still people out there that care to give an in-depth review on anything, however the way you went about trying to help me ended up, for the most part, insulting me. Where you succeeded in pointing out the flaws in this piece -- which i have already plainly stated was not my best work and, sadly, that i didn't put my heart into this one because of my fear for its possible failure -- you did it in such language that would seem sarcastic if spoken out loud. However, sarcasm never translates well into words, and words are never read the way you intended them to be interpreted. Especially on a forum of teenagers, writing about their favorite anime. In future trips to my page, please respond to anything that i should post in a more courteous manner. I appreciate your help, but don't intentionally post remarks that will piss me off. Simply do what you did in a few areas of your response: tell me what it is that i should need to change. Nothing more. Nothing less. Do not sit there and ramble on about what your opinion is on what i [i]should[/i] do on certain aspects of my own story. For that style of response, you would be better off writing your own fic instead of pulling apart unnecessary aspects of my own. While i would admit that this was not very well written, and i have replied to many people that this was written down quickly and posted simply to anchor myself from my own procrastination, and where i will fix as many problems as i can in the rest of the work, I can not accept the idea that you would intentionally try to make me laugh from your own snide remarks. What else could you be planning with such intentionally scathing words? I appreciate your talent for this area. I appreciate that you took the time out of your schedule to help me out. But i do not want your help if you are only going to respond in this manner. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Herp. Kale, seeing as you've been gone for a while and the MST3K-esque fic reviews have come into prominence since you left, I'm gonna have to side against you here. As long as the review/comment specifically doesn't attack the integrity of the user who wrote the piece in question, the reviewer is protected under the Jack Witt Clause. AKA, you're just going to have to suck it up and take the advice, no matter how sarcastic it may be. Who knows - it might help improve your writing. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 It isn't a question of the rules. i am a person asking another person to treat me differently. It is a question of respect for others. I don't care if a certain "rule" might protect a certain "freedom" they think they possess. I would prefer that if someone asks to not to be treated some way that that person will take heed and be the higher man. That's all i asked for. i never wanted to imply that he broke a rule. I also never said he didn't help me. i actually thanked him for being a big help. i asked him to present that information better. I apologize for my out-of-character curtness, but it bothers me when people treat me this way. It reminds me of people i know personally, which is why i come to this forum in the first place. I want to escape the regular routine of my life and the irritation that comes with it. From reading his post i only felt the same way that i do normally, which is starting a catch-22 for me now. urgh, that's irritating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 [quote name='Airspace' timestamp='1294523685' post='4920945'] Herp. Kale, seeing as you've been gone for a while and the MST3K-esque fic reviews have come into prominence since you left, I'm gonna have to side against you here. As long as the review/comment specifically doesn't attack the integrity of the user who wrote the piece in question, the reviewer is protected under the Jack Witt Clause. AKA, you're just going to have to suck it up and take the advice, no matter how sarcastic it may be. Who knows - it might help improve your writing. :3 [/quote] It should be remembered that Crab Helmet, who began this trend, always asked for permission before Foe Fiction'ing a story, simply because it's polite and proper, when you are going to use sarcasm and, generally, harsh critique, essentially making fun of someone else's work. Even if it is understood that Cakey's reviews are on a much lighter tone, they can still be considered ridicule at some points, and some authors may not appreciate it. It's simply in good taste to warn the person whose story you are about to review in such a manner and make sure they are alright with what that might entail, as Crab Helmet did. Since Cakey, apparently, did no such thing, I agree with Kale here, although, as I stated before, my actual advice would be to accept any criticism given in whatever manner, and use it to build up your skill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 [quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1294526393' post='4921056'] It should be remembered that Crab Helmet, who began this trend, always asked for permission before Foe Fiction'ing a story, simply because it's polite and proper, when you are going to use sarcasm and, generally, harsh critique, essentially making fun of someone else's work. Even if it is understood that Cakey's reviews are on a much lighter tone, they can still be considered ridicule at some points, and some authors may not appreciate it. It's simply in good taste to warn the person whose story you are about to review in such a manner and make sure they are alright with what that might entail, as Crab Helmet did. Since Cakey, apparently, did no such thing, I agree with Kale here, although, as I stated before, my actual advice would be to accept any criticism given in whatever manner, and use it to build up your skill. [/quote] i agree with you completely. And i have accepted it, which is apparent from my thanks for it. I just want it to [i]not continue[/i]. Personally, i would like to admit a Jack Witt counter clause of my own. Even if a person is not violating the Jack Witt Clause, i feel that a thread creator should have the right to refuse certain styles of replies after an example has been shown. I have seen this style of response and i wish it not to return to my thread. Shouldn't i, as the thread creator, have that right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 Granted, I don't ask for permission before I do my reviews. On the other hand, those people (of whom there are now far too few) who post "stroy sucked 2/10" don't usually ask for permission, either. Well, you're not complaining that I didn't ask for permission, at least. That's good. I suppose it should be made clear that - except in the case of genuinely bad stories, which this is not - sarcasm and general rudeness are used because these reviews are meant both as commentary and as entertainment for the [s]one or two[/s] legions of people who read my topic. When I watch the Nostalgia Critic, for example, I don't expect the director of Superman IV or whatever to comment on the video and say, "You're right. We'll fix that in the next movie." While I'm not nearly in the same class as That Guy With The Glasses, I do have the two goals of entertaining an audience and giving advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 So, the moral of the story is that everyone's wrong. =D Now, can we all get back to the actual story instead of making mountains out of molehills? I can and will lock if things get too out of hand. (AKA, discussion is being dropped... now.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 Last post on this, Airspace, and it is an apology/update one. Please don't lock this thread in response to this. A lot of things have changed since i was last on YCM and it is a lot to handle all at once. Things that people normally used to not do are considered normal now, and things that i used to fight against here have become regular. To me that is strange and difficult to swallow when it is thrown at me. When later thinking about the "Foe Fiction" response to my first chapter i came to appreciate it. Though unconventional, it really did what i wanted everyone else to do from the first place. For that i thank you, Dr. Cakey, and i would appreciate any further responses of that nature. To be honest, the suddenness of your response and the glaring difference in what i am used to pushed me over the edge. In essence, you caught me off guard. I lost my temper and basically flamed in my own thread. I apologize. Now i'm done with this. For the update to this thread: I have decided that my old length was better for this style of reading. However, i don't have time for that much writing. I will try to compromise, somewhere in the middle. I will try to write this at about 3000 - 5000 words at a time. This will take me a week, just about. So the promise of 2 or 3 responses a week is now out of the question. I simply don't have enough time in my regular schedule to keep up with that anyway... so i will make this a weekly show with a greater length for you all. With that being said, and taking in my recent increase in word length, i am now just over half-way done with the chapter. I posted the last chapter on a Monday, so i should be able to follow-suit with this. i will post the next chapter by monday, tuesday at the latest. From then on i will try to be consistent at posting them on a regular, weekly basis. So check back in on Monday, it should be here by then. There is a chance that i could get it posted by tomorrow as well. Thank you guys. Sorry i can't give you too many reasons for a warm welcome back to the forum. -Kale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDarkKingBringerOfDark Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 awesome keep writing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 [spoiler=Chapter 2 - Wanderer] Red: 8300, 3 in hand. ???: 7900, 3 in hand. The darkness in my apartment is really irritating me. I can hardly see over to my opponent, whoever she is. The only thing I know about her at the moment is what she is wearing, which I can only see from the short bursts of holographic light when a monster is summoned. Great. I don’t even know her strategy. Could it be to continuously destroy my defenses? That makes little sense... What if I didn’t set a monster in my first turn? What do the “Gearex” Monsters do when they are all together? I have a rose to fight against, one with 1600 Attack Points. I think I can get over that. I just need the right card. I have to trust my draw.... “I draw!” I said, pulling the card off the top of my deck. I hoped for something good. It worked. Suddenly the rose on the opposing field started to transform. The petals receded, revealing a woman underneath. She was barely covered but the few remaining plant particles did their job well. ATK: 1600 ~ 2100 “What??” I wondered. The woman across from me explained, “When I destroy a monster of yours because of her effect she gains Attack Points for the next round. Until my next turn, of course.” So the monster destroys a defending creature with ease and powers up to protect herself during that player’s turn. Really now? I guess I’ll have to use this other strategy instead... “I summon Nebula - Thunder Spear!” Before me and my lonely face-down card appeared a monster, dark and mysterious. Curious, though, its right arm was a spear. (800/1900) The woman opposite me laughed. “You summon a monster with [i]half[/i] the power of mine? You would have been better off putting him in defense.” That is true. Thunder Spear does have 1900 Defense Points, as she could clearly see. But the Nebulae aren’t all about Defense, they are about your opponent’s next move. I smirked. “Next, since I control a ‘Nebula’ Monster, I can Special Summon my Nebula - Draining Fist from my hand!” Another creature appeared, smaller than the rest that have been seen so far. Nothing about him seemed out of the ordinary, it was rather normal compared to the monster next to him with the spear arm. (500/1600) “Now, Thunder Spear! Attack her Gearex Rose!” “Go ahead, I won’t flinch.” The dark form leaped deftly ahead, straight for the rose. It raised its arm and was about to strike... A circle appeared before the creature. It was brightly lit, shimmering like the surface of a pool of water. The dark figure fell straight in, disappearing from view. It was gone. The circle closed and disappeared. All was silent. Neither person moved. “...I didn’t do that,” the woman said tentatively, seemingly reaching for an explanation. I am loving the expression on her face. “I did,” I replied, “my creature disappeared because of his own effect.” “To where?” “You’ll find out with time.” She huffed. “Next, since I have two ‘Nebula’ Monsters removed from the field, I can activate the Trap Card in my Graveyard! Remember Nebula Launch?” “Yeah, that crappy attempt at a life gain?” “Yes, that one,” I replied, a little irritated at her response, “But it has a secondary effect! Since two are removed from the field I can draw 2 cards, then place that trap card on top of my deck!” I took two more cards, then put the trap on top of my deck. “When I draw that card I must remove it from play, then I take 1000 damage.” “That’s fine by me, whatever brings you closer to defeat.” “Next I place 1 card face-down, and I end my turn.” The look on her face is priceless. She has no idea what my strategy is. It’s okay. I could understand why. She is stuck dueling in the present. She sees only what is in front of her, what options she currently has. She can’t build up, she can’t think ahead. I can. I’m dueling in the future. “I draw!” she said, scanning her hand for new options. “Now my Rose returns to its original stats.” The flower regressed to its original state, covering back up the woman. ATK: 2100 ~ 1600. “Next, since I control 1 ‘Gearex’ Monster I can summon this monster without a release!” She slapped a card down on her duel disk. Light emanated from the holographic imagery, revealing an ancient soldier. (2000/1000) “Now I can activate my Trap Card! Gearex Redress!” One of her two face-down cards flipped. “While I control 2 or more ‘Gearex’ Monsters I can destroy 1 face-down Spell or Trap you control! I choose....” Damn it. Didn’t expect [i]that[/i] with one of her face-down cards. I hope she chooses... “...the one you just played!” The flower and the warrior each raised an arm outward and focused them together, pointing toward the targeted card. Light began at the top of their arms, right below the shoulder. Like a cannon, the light raced down their arms and was ejected, destroying the trap card on impact. What was strange was that her trap didn’t disappear in response. She used its effect to destroy a face down, why is it still on the field? It must have a secondary effect that I don’t know about. “Now my Warrior will attack...” “My Fist has an interesting effect that you should know about,” I interrupted, “He must be attacked with your weakest monster before the stronger ones.” “Odd, but that won’t matter. Rose, attack his defending creature!” The flower raced forward, taking the initiative. Their powers equalled, so her tentacle just bounced off. However, a thorn was left stuck in the little creature’s arm. “Now, destroy the creature with your effect! Go, Thorn Bomb!” It exploded. Wind whipped around me, sending debris flying out from around me. If I had a clean apartment it wouldn’t be that way now. Now my field was empty. But not for long. Slowly the simple creature reemerged. It looked like smoke forming into a solid object, spinning inch by inch into a newly-forged monster. (500/1600) “Once per turn if he would be destroyed, he isn’t,” I explained. “Fine,” she said, irritated. Next, a portal opened right next to the flower. Bam! The flower exploded into a billion shards, disappearing from view. It was destroyed. “What the f...” the woman started to exclaim, but then she knew. As the portal closed she saw a dark figure appear on my side of the field. A figure with a spear for an arm. (800/1900) “...and there’s the attack from before,” I remarked. “How?” “I control my actions, girlie.” She was pissed. I could tell. “Next I activate my Trap Card, Spacial Trap Hole!” My remaining face-down card flipped up. “Now that I control two ‘Nebula’ Monsters I can remove your monster from play and destroy your face-down card!” “Wha...” The words never made it past her lips. Thunder Spear ran to the warrior as Draining Fist flitted over to the Trap Card. A portal appeared before the warrior, sucking him into it. Draining Fist snapped his fingers and -- presto -- the card was gone. Shattered into a thousand pieces. “Don’t worry,” I said, “Your monster will return to you during your Standby Phase.” She huffed again. My strategy was getting to her. “I place 1 card face down, then end my turn,” she said and a Spell or Trap Card appeared before her. The warrior returned to her side of the field in Attack Position. (2000/1000) “I draw!” I said, pulling the card I knew was on top of my deck. “Since I drew Nebula Launch while it was on top of my deck I must remove it from play, and I take 1000 damage.” I tossed the card aside, letting it fall to my dirty floor. An orb of dark energy formed above me, charging up for its attack. In one short burst it was over. Red: 7300 ???: 7900 “What a waste...” I heard her say, but it didn’t matter. She’ll see what foresight gives you in a moment. “Now that I have taken damage this turn, my Draining Fist increases its Attack Points by that same amount!” I explained. The little guy before me raised his arm, absorbing the remaining energy from the dark orb. It disappeared from above me and entered him, powering up his Attack Points by 1000. ATK: 500 ~ 1500 I could see her eyes grow wide with anticipation. “Now I summon my Nebula - Asteroid Force from my hand!” The creature appeared before me, resembling the other two. It was a dark, humanoid creature that held a small stave. (1200/1700) “I switch my Draining Fist into Attack Position, then I attack your Warrior!” “What the hell?” she exclaimed, “Fine, it will only kill you faster.” The small guy with the now bigger fist jumped into the air, headed over my crude living room and over to my opponent. Her only monster had a formidable 2000 Attack Points, plus she had her face-down Spell or Trap. And I cannot forget about that random permanent Trap she has up on the field, whatever it may do. “I activate the Quick-Play Spell, Momentum Shift!” I said. Instantly the Asteroid Force I just summoned disappeared, forming into a dense cloud of smoke. That smoke started to move. It split into two smaller clouds and each one went to a separate monster, one for Thunder Spear and the other for Draining Fist. ATK: 1500 ~ 3000 ATK: 800 ~ 1600. The fist on the tiny creature grew to incredible size and it pulsated with power. The Warrior on her side of the field didn’t even know what hit him. In a flash he was gone. Red: 7300 ???: 6900 “Fu...” she began. “Next, attack her life points directly, Thunder Spear!” The being with the spear arm jumped into the air, heading straight for her. They collided, the Spear delivering its damage instantly. Red: 7300 ???: 5300 “I set my last card face down, then I end my turn.” As the last card in my hand formed into a holographic image, I realized what I was up against. I couldn’t do much if she had a good face-down. Maybe I misplayed somewhere. But this set up doesn’t look good, especially with an empty hand. My monster’s Attack Points also returned to normal, which could be bad. ATK: 3000 ~ 500 ATK: 1600 ~ 800 “My draw!” she said, scanning her hand of 3 cards. “I activate my Trap Card! Gearex Resist! Since I have 2 ‘Gearex’ Monsters in my Graveyard I can Special Summon 1 Level 3 or lower ‘Gearex’ from my deck!” The Trap Card flipped up right in front of her. It glowed for a moment, then a monster appeared right from the card itself. The Trap Card disappeared after that. The monster was a magician this time, small and a little cute. (1200/1500) “Now I can Summon my Gearex Spirit from my hand!” In front of her appeared a Marionette Doll, holding a longsword. (1800/0) “Since I Summoned my Gearex Spirit you cannot activate Spells or Traps until the End Phase!” Now that pisses me off. “Now for the effect of my Gearex Redress!” I knew it. What does it do? “Since you have been destroying my monsters willy-nilly, it has been gaining counters equal to their level. So far you have destroyed a level 4 and a level 5, so that’s 9 counters. By sending this Trap to the Graveyard I can have my monster gain 900 Attack Points!” The final Trap Card on her side of the field disappeared, increasing the Attack of her first monster, the magician, by 900. ATK: 1200 ~ 2100. “Next, while I control a ‘Gearex’ Monster I can Special Summon my Gearex Fin from my hand!” A small shark appeared next to the Mage and the Spirit, bio-mechanical in nature. (600/300) “Now, to follow your monster’s rules, I will attack your Fist with my Fin!” The shark raced forward toward the small man, who had a tiny fist again. The battle was won with ease, but Draining Fist wasn’t destroyed because of his own effect. Red: 7200 ???: 5300 “Now I can attack you with everything I have!” she exclaimed, “Gearex Mage, finish the battle!” The cute magician hurried forward, stopping about halfway in my living room. She raised her scepter and a beam of light escaped from it, blowing my monster into next Tuesday. Red: 5600 ???: 5300 “And my Mage has a special ability! When it attacks a monster and destroys it by battle, it can attack another monster!” Crap. This sucks. The mage raised its scepter in the air again, destroying my other monster with its beam of light. Red: 4300 ???: 5300 “Next, my Spirit, attack him directly!” The Marionette Doll raced forward to attack me. Up close the sword looks menacing. Suddenly a small creature with a shield appeared out of nowhere, and it intercepted the attack. (500/1700) Red: 3000 ???: 5300 “I recognized that creature!” she said. “Yeah, its the one you destroyed during your first turn.” “What the hell is it doing back?” “That ‘crappy attempt at a life gain’ sent this shield into the future, securing a defense for me.” “Some defense, it was destroyed. And you took damage.” “And you think that’s a bad thing?” The condemnation in my last sentence was enough to shut her up for a moment. Yay, me. “When that shield is destroyed by battle I get to add a level 5 ‘Nebula’ from my deck to my hand.” “Fine, like it’ll be useful to you,” she said. “I set my last card face down, then I end my turn.” Her field was full. Three monsters, two of which were formidable enough. She even had a face-down card which was sure to be a trap. My field, however, was crap. I had a face-down Spell which could have secured me a monster this turn, if only she didn’t summon that Spirit creature. What the hell? Now I had only a level 5 monster in my hand. I need a way out. Better yet, I need to win. Winning this turn would be nice. “My draw,” I said, pulling the top card off of my deck. This card just made me win. “Since I now have two Nebulae in my Graveyard, I can Special Summon Nebula – Slip Vortex from my hand by removing them from play!” I removed the two monsters that I needed in the removed from play zone: Thunder Spear and Draining Fist. The creature appeared, futuristic and streamlined. (2300/2400) “Next I can Normal Summon my Nebula – Reflex Gravity from my hand!” A small creature appeared next to the futuristic warrior. It appeared dismal, as though it had no purpose. (0/0) “What do you plan?” the woman wondered. I could hear the frustration in her voice. “Because it was Normal Summoned I can remove from play my Reflex Gravity to move forward in time and receive a Nebula from there.” “Oh please, you want your Thunder Spear?” “Hardly. I want my Draining Fist.” “What?” The poor creature before me leapt into the air, discovering at last its hidden potential. It sped forward, breaking the sound barrier in only an instant. In its wake was a hole, a break in the time-space continuum. Fleeing from it was another being of similar size, one who appeared to be normal compared to the streamlined warrior next to him. (500/1600) “What do you need with that thing? You have no win condition here.” “And you can’t look further than ten seconds into the future, can you?” I shot back. “My Slip Vortex has a special ability. Once per turn I can Special Summon one Level 4 or lower Nebula from my Removed From Play Zone, but my Vortex’s level becomes equal to that one’s!” “Thunder Spear...” she whimpered. “Thunder Spear,” I agreed. The streamlined warrior raised its arm and opened a portal, resembling the same one that Thunder Spear slipped through earlier in the duel. He slowly appeared from its water-like surface and stood next to the Slip Vortex. (800/1900) The level of Slip Vortex became 4. “I don’t understand. Why do you keep bringing back these creatures?” “You had me going a couple of times, lady, but these actions are pre-determined. My creatures return only because they’ve needed to be here, to be the final action in this duel!” Light started to enter the windows. The starlit sky that I wondered about earlier started to disappear, fading because of the bright morning sun. I could see around my apartment now, noticing that it had, in fact, been rummaged through. I could not see it clearly in the dark, but now I could assess the damage that this lady caused in my home. It appeared as though she was looking for something. I looked over to the woman, now completely visible in what little light there was coming in through the window. Her long hair was blonde and left hanging in thin, straight locks. Her eyes were brown with a hint of red in them, complimented by the burgundy shirt I already knew her to be wearing. This lady’s eyes grew wide. “That Fist, it’s a Level 2 Tuner....” “Bingo.” Red light filled my apartment. “I use the three monsters before me as material for a Synchro Summon!” The monsters before me started to break apart into their basic levels, forming together into one being. “No you don’t!” she yelled. “Activate Trap! Gearex Restrict! While I control a ‘Gearex’ Monster and you summon a monster I can negate that summoning and destroy it!” I grinned. “No you don’t.” She hesitated as her Trap Card flipped up before her. “And the future converges! Come forth, just in the knick of time, Asteroid Force!” “Asteroid Force? That thing you removed for a quick power-up for your guys?” A being appeared above us from a small portal. It descended, and on its way it knocked the Trap Card on her side of the field face-down with its stave. (1200/1700) “What??” she exclaimed. “When you activate a Trap Card this monster returns to negate it and flip it face-down again. My summon will not be compromised!” “But this was a Counter Trap! How did you manage that with a lower Spell Speed?” “Asteroid Force can be used against Counter Traps,” I explained, “That was the idea of the card.” The light before me converged, the monster was about to appear. I raised my hand into the air. “Never again shall I be tainted! I will control everything around me and I will make my own future! Straying from the path of light and resisting the anger of darkness, I design my own path! Arise, Nebula – Supernova Shockwave!” Before the being appeared I heard a banging on my garage-like door. I turned my head just in time to see it blown open. I ducked out of habit, and so did the girl. “What is this?” I yelled over to her. “It’s not me, I’m alone!” I looked back at the gaping hole into my apartment. Red light from inside escaped past the new void, revealing the outline of a person. The person wore a heavy, black robe that covered his entire body. His hood was up, but I could see the long, grey beard that hung from inside it. He walked inside slowly, as if each step were a methodical piece to a complex puzzle. He raised his left arm toward the girl. “Who are you?” the girl asked. Light pulsated from his fingertips and was released toward her, hitting her square in the face. She fell to the ground with a dull thud. She didn’t move. “Hey, what’s the story, Pal?” He dropped his hand and turned to face me. Even from the light of my ace monster I could not see much about facial features. He had sunken eyes and hollow cheeks that were barely noticeable from under his intense, grey facial hair. “Answer me!” I demanded. “Justin Tanner, you must flee.” His voice was just as deep and hollow as his face. “Do [i]not[/i] call me Justin,” I responded. ‘Justin’ just didn’t sound right as this man said it. “Fine. Red, as you prefer it, you must leave this place immediately.” “And why is that?” “The world is in store for great peril, and you are going against the Plan by treating this duel the way you have.” “The [i]Plan[/i]?” I exclaimed. “Listen, Buddy, I don’t follow plans. I create my own future one step at a time.” “That’s the problem.” That threw me. I wasn’t expecting that kind of reply. “Look,” I said, “Red is in the middle of a duel right now. Please leave a message and he will get back to you.” I turned back to my fallen enemy, ready to end this. That must have pissed him off. He seemed to fly toward me. I swear I saw his feet leave the ground, and there is no way he could have appeared next to me so impossibly fast. It didn’t catch me too off guard. I think. “Listen to me, you arrogant twit,” he said as he got close to my face, “the future of mankind is bigger than you. It is bigger than me. It’s bigger than any one man. But just one man can make a difference, no matter how small. And my difference is to push you out of this apartment, and yours is to comply!” I held my ground through his assault. It was strange that I felt nothing from him, no body heat, no breath, no sensations at all. It was a visual-only event. “And if I refuse?” I asked. He frowned. “You will follow soon enough. It is your path.” “What if I run from that path?” “You can’t, your path is always in flux. But the end is always the same.” He flew back to his original place in my apartment, except this time he hovered over the floor. “Tell you what,” he said, “Head to Succurro. You will learn a lot there.” “Succurro?” I wondered out loud, “That heap of a city? Nothing major has happened there since my grandfather competed in a tournament at their Palmarium hotel.” “Be that as it may, the city will be a great escape for you.” “Escape?” “Why yes. We can’t have you apprehended by the police, can we?” What does this guy know? What Law Enforcers? Is this guy serious? “I suggest you go. Immediately.” Suddenly he was gone. There was no flash of light, no sound. He was there one moment and then he wasn’t. I turned back to my duel. The girl still hadn’t moved. The light had formed the monster by this point and down from the ceiling of my apartment descended a creature of menacing strength. (3700/2300) I walked over to her body, rigid against my floor. The light from the sun outside shined in now, highlighting her beautiful face. She wasn’t dead, I could see, just frozen. Her face glowed with a purple light, similar looking to the force that the bearded man used on her. That must be what is keeping her down. “Game over. I win,” I said. It was true. She had nothing else to change her fate, and I had everything I needed. “Maybe we will meet again one day.” I shut off my duel disk. The holograms around me disappeared. The only light that remained was from the windows. I heard sirens in the distance. I guess the old man was right. Time to go. I found a quick bag that I could sling over my shoulder. I stuck in a bottle of water and a few crackers as well as a few bits of technology that I could use. I returned to my bike and started the key. Off I go. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Okay, wow. That was so much better than your first chapter. The duel was good, the Nebula monsters are fascinating, and hell, Nebula Launch was genuinely useful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 I get a "wow"? Wow. That's awesome. I said it was alright if you gave me a foe fiction, btw. I apologize for my flame earlier. It caught me off guard. And I wrote about Nebula Launch that way just for you. =] thank you so much for coming by! I hope you like the next chapter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDarkKingBringerOfDark Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 (Mouth opeeeeeeens at the awesomeness) awesome foe fice its genius i hope you keep writing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legend Zero Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Pro chapter is pro. The Nebula archtype is interesting, tbh. Thanks for the PM bro. ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 [quote name='The darkknight2' timestamp='1294713870' post='4926640'] (Mouth opeeeeeeens at the awesomeness) awesome foe fice its genius i hope you keep writing [/quote] thank you so much! i appreciate the compliment. oh, and you can close your mouth now. XD [quote name='Legend Zero' timestamp='1294715268' post='4926698'] Pro chapter is pro. The Nebula archtype is interesting, tbh. Thanks for the PM bro. ;D [/quote] cool post is cool. thanks so much! i can't wait to show you the rest of my ideas for the Nebulas. My favorite, and ironically the first, was Thunder Spear. Attacking the future is awesome! No problem for the PM. I actually PMed everyone who had commented that the next chapter is up. I think i will do the same thing again when the next chapter comes out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anbu-of-Sand Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 I agree with Cakey. That second Chapter although majority of it was a Duel, had a pretty decent cliffhanger, and I am intrigued by the 2 Archetypes seen in the Chapter, Gearex and Nebula (did I spell them right? xD) Nebula seem to be like the Different Dimension cards with the removal theme, except better due to they prepare you for what may happen further in the duel, which by so far, seem to fit the character's personality perfectly. Gearex on the other hand, as of right now, I can't find a strategy to them / seem a bit random. Hopefully it'll all make sense overtime. Can't wait for the next Chapter Kale :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stardust_Rose_Dragon Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 I think this story is... just...... WOW. I am really into the story, and I have to say, the ideas are great, and the way the story was set up is great. Keep going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 [quote name='Anbu-of-Sand' timestamp='1294718426' post='4926789'] I agree with Cakey. That second Chapter although majority of it was a Duel, had a pretty decent cliffhanger, and I am intrigued by the 2 Archetypes seen in the Chapter, Gearex and Nebula (did I spell them right? xD) Nebula seem to be like the Different Dimension cards with the removal theme, except better due to they prepare you for what may happen further in the duel, which by so far, seem to fit the character's personality perfectly. Gearex on the other hand, as of right now, I can't find a strategy to them / seem a bit random. Hopefully it'll all make sense overtime. Can't wait for the next Chapter Kale [/quote] Yeah, i decided it was better to finish the duel in this one. However, i couldn't find a faster way to do it. These two sets of cards are built against each other, i guess. But the intriguing thing is just what you said: from how i wrote about them the Gearex monsters seem random. That's because the Nebulae shut down most of their effects like nothing else. You never saw any of the power that the Warrior had, except that he could be Normal Summoned with no release. D: i hope they make sense too. They probably will when i release the cards in my thread in RC. Thanks for stopping by! [quote name='Mina-Chan' timestamp='1294718566' post='4926790'] I think this story is... just...... WOW.I am really into the story, and I have to say, the ideas are great, and the way the story was set up is great.Keep going. [/quote] Welcome! i am glad you wanted to follow this story! i'm glad you're into it too. it makes me feel good that i can still intrigue people here. keep on reading! ...must.. have.. moar... comments... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anbu-of-Sand Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Gah! I almost forgot your thread in RC D: I'll do my best to give reviews for the second and third card tomorrow. Can't wait for the releases of these cards in your RC thread, just so I can have a better mental images of the duel when they get onto the field and whatnot :) Also, before I go to bed, may I ask, any ideas / hints what Archetypes that were posted in your contest may be added to the Fan Fic? And on that note, good night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KindredTether Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Abubah! That was awesome!!!!! Man you should write actual books and publish them. Your a great writer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraightEdge07 Posted January 11, 2011 Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 Edited post - Just read it, and it's awesome!!! I have a feeling like his cards are affecting time or somethin, and that's a good way to start it off xD. Just asking, will this guy have like a main rival sort of like yugi and kaiba, and yusei and jack, or, will there be 3 or more villains such as the dark signers? Anyways cant wait to read more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted January 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2011 [quote name='Anbu-of-Sand' timestamp='1294721993' post='4926863'] Gah! I almost forgot your thread in RC D: I'll do my best to give reviews for the second and third card tomorrow. Can't wait for the releases of these cards in your RC thread, just so I can have a better mental images of the duel when they get onto the field and whatnot Also, before I go to bed, may I ask, any ideas / hints what Archetypes that were posted in your contest may be added to the Fan Fic? And on that note, good night. [/quote] it's okay! that's why i have my signature set up the way it is. That way everyone can get to my stuff whenever they choose. And it all goes together so.... i can't wait to release them either. i remember when i used to post the card images with the chapter, so that everyone could visualize them so much better. But that took so much more time, and i want the card images themselves to be secondary to the fic this time around. if i can control one thing it would be the fic's release date. And as for your question.... no idea yet. Though i will say that this time's card contest is spectacular. it's already blown me out of the water and i haven't seen much yet! and we still have half a month to go! this is fantastic. [quote name='Half-Dark' timestamp='1294738244' post='4927051'] Abubah! That was awesome!!!!! Man you should write actual books and publish them. Your a great writer! [/quote] thank you, i'm glad you enjoyed it. it's funny that you mention that, because i am in the middle of writing a novel for a class of mine in school. [quote name='StraightEdge07' timestamp='1294747366' post='4927101'] I will edit this post after I read the chapter, but by looking at the comments, i can tell that this is one of the best chapters you've ever written. [/quote] Well i hope i live up to that expectation. Oh, and between you and me, for those of us who have been around my fiction from the very beginning, you wont be disappointed with the very end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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