supersonic4ever Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'm not sure if this would go into the Literature forum, so it's in General. I want to know what you guys think of it; I just wrote it a few minutes ago. I want to know how well you can visualize it, and how well I did showing, not telling. "As he walked through the alleyway, a sideways elevator shaft transformed into a passage, the moon looked down at him. It was a silvery halo in the almost equally dark sky, the only other lights being those multi-colored pinholes; stars, as you would say. On his sides there were backs of apartment buildings, metal creeping up on them. It twisted and turned, zig-zagging around, writhing! It finally relaxed as it manifested itself as a fire escape. Climbing, climbing, it merged with the night sky so smoothly, so softly, forming a glorious symphony of order and balance." What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zimiri of the Muse Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 Okay he who? Passage? Shown instead of looked it sounds like you are saying the night sky is a silvery color. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supersonic4ever Posted January 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 It's an unspecified "he". The rest of your post is confusing. It says that the moon shone silver in the sky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 Ignore Zimiri of the Muse, he can barely spell as it looks. Personally, I like it. But the "writhing" is uneeded, it sort of throws the entire thing out of balance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nu. Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 Those're some pretty badass metaphors right there. I'm with JG. on 'writhing' and various other descrpitive words, though. Try not to use such exaggerated words unless they have a correct placing. Still, those are merely small errors, and I'm intrigued to what comes next. Is this just a misc. sample? Or are you going to write more? ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zimiri of the Muse Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 Why thank you for the critism JG. It was surely needed and I feel like it has made me better. Overall I did think it was very good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supersonic4ever Posted January 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 This is just a misc. sample. It's just something I wrote off the top of my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yang Xiao-Long Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 The way you ordered the sentence in the beginning sounded to me like the moon was the passage. Maybe re-word the beginning to avoid the confusion? The suggestion to change the "writhing" has been said. All in all, I like the imagery. The passage gave me goosebumps at the end. Just a thought, but shouldn't this be in the Literature Forum? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 I like it, but it doesn't go here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supersonic4ever Posted January 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Would it kill you guys to read the top section? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Hell no. We are saying that even though you decided this should go in General, looking from other eyes this should go in Literature. MarbleZone and the Mods decide it all, but anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rotfl Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 i personally think its beautiful, but the 'equally' kind of dulled it for me... instead use identical maybe? "a silvery halo in the almost identically dark sky" just imo, and having said that, i will probably be made fun of Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waterwhip Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 its minor but maybe when describing the stars say"the light OF multicolored pinholes" other wise it sounded good but confusing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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