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Roleplaying Tournament

Twig

By Twig
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Twig

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Commenting is taking longer than expected. I would have probably finished if I started early, but I didn't know you guys wanted comments until then.

I have 8/14 of them done. I might finish today, but if I don't. It will be delayed. >.<
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Twig

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[spoiler=Comments & Judging]
[spoiler=Nexev- Dark Christmas]
[spoiler=Dark Christmas]
Every year the world's greatest BAMF goes in a red sleigh and gives toys to kids.

This obviously Santa. Duh.

Unfortunately this year is a bit...messed up.

A santa gets his power from being sponsored with a Corporation, the physical representation of the elements of mortal life. Something odd happened this year. Santa was killed, his organs strewn over a tree like Christmas lights. The murderer is obvious, Chuck Norris, who was bitter over being passed over as Santa years ago.

Vengence will not be easy.

You at the workshop must get the coporations to ally with you once more, raise an army, and destroy Chuck before he Ascends to Santahood himself with his dark Memetic Rituals. Once Chuck Cringle walks the earth, it is doubtful he will ever be stopped.
[/spoiler]

[b]Grammar/Spelling: [/b]Missing commas, Santa not being capitalized, the second sentence being messed up, and several others gave this plot a 2/5 in grammar.
[b]Originality: [/b]You don't see a lot of comedy RPs, and this is quite original. Kudos for making Chuck Norris a villain. 10/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] Just because this is a comedy RP, that doesn't mean it doesn't have to have good exposition. This would have been much better if you told the story from the point of view of the person who discovered the dead Santa Claus. 7/15
[b]Overall:[/b] This roleplay can interest people, but there were so many information missing. What's the setting? Are the characters elves? How do we find Chuck? Who are the enemies? This had potential but unfortunately failed. 6/10.
[b]Total:[/b]: 26/40
[center][spoiler=[size="5"]The Verdict[/size]]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ELIMINATED[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=NeoDemonX- The 100 Year Games]
[spoiler=The 100 Year Games]

Every year their is these games that the Government put on. These games are going on for 100 years now and as it goes the New World Order or the Bilderberg Group (Canada, UK, Russia, Japan, Germany, Italy, and several other countries) took over the world December 21, 2012 but the game were not open right then. The Game first came too in July 1, 2013 because they were slow at keeping the at their order. The NWO took 1000 random people from all over the world and they were 150 Males Inmates/150 Females Inmates, 200 Males Teen-ages/200 Females Teen-ages15-20, Age 21 to 50 100 males/100 females, 100 of the most famous murders on earth. Their was 100 groups of 10 people in each group. These games were held in the wild but but have high walls at where the leaders wanted the wall it be place so it is a 200 mile (320km) with 2, 20 miles lakes, 3, 30 miles forests, 2, 15 miles hills, and 4, 10 miles plains. Their is also 120 houses made of wood, pavement, and steel with food, weapons, and beds. The weapons are 70% wood like bows and arrows, 10% metal like axes, 10% guns with bullets that are 80% hand guns and 20% shotguns and AK 47s, 10% is random stuff like matches. Their is also animals 50% of them are harmless like cows and horses and the other 50% are very dangerous like poisonous snakes and bears. The games went on for 2 months and its was a very bloody. The winning team only had 4 people a live but for them they got 4 million dollars and anything and 1 wish. 100 years later and the games are still running and some are bloody-er then the others and some were lame. Their are also more advanced technology for guns and armor to made the fights more interesting. You are male/female that got pick to go to The Games. You will die or you will live and win but some of you might want to unroot the NWO and make them pay.
[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] Many many many mistakes. 1/5
[b]Originality:[/b] Sounds a lot like The Hunger Games and Battle Royale. 6/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] I really don't know what's happening. The way you worded everything is so awkward. 6/15
[b]Overall:[/b] Lots of thing aren't explained. This plot is a mess. Why did they start the games? Why is it held every 100 years? Why is it random people? How did the Bilderberg Group take over? What is happening? I don't know. 4/10
[b]Total:[/b] 17/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ELIMINATED[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center][/spoiler]
[spoiler=BrokenHeart15- Across the Chessboard]
[spoiler=Across the Chessboard]
Consider the chessboard. We see it as a mundane thing, with 32 black squares and 32 white squares interlocked in a checkered pattern. We move our big clunky chess pieces across it in order to capture the opposing king in a checkmate. And when all is well and done, we put the pieces back in their original places until the next game. But what about the board? Do we even regard those squares closely? You don't, well I'd tell you to take a closer look. There is more here than it seems.

You see, what we see as little squares are in fact enormous terrains, marked with their corresponding letters and numbers. The brave forces of Black & White fight bravely, sacrificing countless lives in their eternal struggle. In chess, the kings are weak and need to be defended at all costs. In reality they are powerful warriors who can take down most enemies with ease. The only equal to a king is, of course, another king. All across the board the kings fight, until either side makes it to the opposing castle. Then, they retreat for a day of rest, until the next, where the fighting begins all over again. But, during the day of rest when the side of Black won, the kings of Black & White vanished. Naturally each side accused the other of foul play, so now a brave battalion of each side will go out to save their king. Which side do you choose?[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] I only saw one grammar mistake(run-on sentence at the second to the last sentence of the first paragraph), but that's not enough to brink it down a number. 5/5
[b]Originality:[/b] Turning a board game into a war roleplay is very original. 10/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] The intro is a nice touch,and the description is great. 10/10
[b]Overall:[/b] The plot is pretty basic, but of course, that leaves the roleplayers to add plot twists such as finding out what really happened to the kings. 10/10
[b]Total:[/b] 40/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center][/spoiler]
[spoiler=§îl¥€®- MusE]
[spoiler=MusE]
[spoiler=[size=3]I[/size]nformation Desk]
Hello there! Welcome to MusE Industries, the leading producer in parallel universe exploration. What would you like to know?
[spoiler=What do you mean, 'Parallel Universe Exploration'?]
Oh, that's an easy one! To properly explain this concept, I must first give you a bit of history.

~Back in 2010 -you know, the [i]old[/i] days- a discovery was made. This discovery is known as the Interdimensional Connection Creator, but it is more simply referred to as a Portal. The Portal allows us to connect with other dimensions, places of varying dimensions and elements! And lo and behold- we found that rips between fabrics have been going on all the time, and places like Oly[color="#FF0000"]m[/color]pus, Valhalla, and the Pokemon World had all been based on other dimensions! Naturally, this created quite a stir within the scientific community. People wanted to know what was in all these different dimensions -collectively called the Multiverse- and the first expeditions into the worlds bro[color="#FF0000"]u[/color]ght back startling results. Energy previously called dark matter, energy not understood, was suddenly given meaning- it was discovered that dark matter had an effect on time and space, and could alter conditions within different dimensions- even to the extent that a whole new dimension could be made with dark matter. Dark matter, used in the right way, could even bestow god-like powers! Scientists began studying furiously for ways to harness this dark matter.

Skip forward 40 years. Scientists have made another breakthrough, and a piece of equipment known as the Arc Caster has been created. The Arc Caster is purely personal use, looking not much more that a fancy metal glove, but the Arc Caster can harness dark matter, to varying degrees! However, dark matter needed to found and 'collected' before it could be used. And dark matter was not distributed evenly between worlds- here and there we would find 'pools' of dark matter, and in others we would find nothing at al[color="#FF0000"]l[/color]!

And so, MusE Industries was born. Designed to find these 'pools', MusE Industries has been making advances in technology, physiology, and many more subjects by using Arc Casters. We have also altered reality to make our dimension a safer place to live in! And that, is 'Parallel Universe Exploration'![/spoiler]
[spoiler=How do you explore Parallel Universes?]
We send out expeditions, of course! Some of the worlds we travel to to collect pools (see above question) are dangerous, so these expeditions are made up of men trained in combat and in use of Arc Cas[color="#FF0000"]t[/color]ers. These expeditions travel through dimensions using Portals, which have been set up to provide nearly instantaneous travel between dimensions- and even if there is no Portal nearby, expedit[color="#FF0000"]i[/color]ons can create them using dark matter stored in their Arc Casters simultaneously. This makes it quite simple for expeditions to 'explore Parallel Universes'![/spoiler]
[spoiler=Explain Arc Casters.]
Arc Casters are the instruments we use to access dark matter. By using dark matter, we can do all sorts of things- from destroying buildings to making wild animals tame! Of course, this power could be disastrous in the wrong hands, but the Amundsen-Scott Con[color="#FF0000"]ve[/color]ntion has been put in place to stop all unlawful-

[b]BREAKING NEWS ALERT!

-THE AMUNDSEN-SCOTT CONVENTION HAS BEEN BROKEN. USE OF MANY ARC CASTERS WAS [color="#FF0000"]R[/color]ECORED IN MOST KNOWN UNIVERSES AT 18 HUNDRED HOURS TODAY, IN AN ACT NOW CALLED THE DISRUPTION EVENT. ALL EXPEDITIONS REPORT DAMAGE TO UNIVERSE HAS BEEN DONE AND MOST UNIVERSE HAVE BEEN THROWN OUT OF ORDER. DISARRAY, CONFLICTS AND OVERALL DISRUPTION HAS BEEN REPORTED. EXPEDITIONS FROM MusE INDUSTRIES ARE ON THE SCENE AND TRYING TO REPAIR UNIVERSES BEFORE DAMAGE TO THE OVERALL MULTIVERSE HAS BEEN REPAIRED. REASONS BEHIND THIS ATTACK ARE NOT KNOWN, BUT POLICE ARE INVESTIGATING INTO THE MATTER. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. NOW BACK TO YOUR ORIGINAL BROADCAST.[/b][/spoiler]
[spoiler=How Many Universes Exist?]
Quite a few! At last count, the number hovered around 25,000; Precise calculation is unknown due to constant Portal creation. Many of them have been mentioned in mythology and modern-day pop culture. Odds are, the last game you played had in [color="#FF0000"]s[/color]ome way been affected by another dimension![/spoiler]
[spoiler=What Am I Doing Here?]
You, my lucky friend, have been chosen to be on one of the expeditions, Expedition #909 to be precise, that is trying to repair damage caused by the Disruption Ev[color="#FF0000"]e[/color]nt. You were chosen for certain skills you possess that will help you repair the damage. Don't remember signing up? Don't worry, you came here willingly. You just don't remember. Now go meet the rest of the expedition! Pay no attention to the plate glass windows and locked doors. Those are, err, there for your safety. Now go! Run along![/spoiler][/spoiler]
[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling[/b]: 5/5. Nuff said.
[b]Orginality:[/b] Multi-universe isn't exactly original, but you had your own original stuff, such as the Portal, Arc Casters, the Amundsen-Scott Convention, the expeditions, etc... 8/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] It was a little odd when the breaking news came in, and suddenly, you apparently have been chosen to go to an Expedition, but it is pulled off well. 12/15
[b]Overall:[/b] Well it isn't just random dimensions getting mixed together and actually provides an explanation, so that's good. The plot is basic enough to let Roleplayers put their twists and sub-plots, and is complex enough just so it isn't too random. 9/10.
[b]Total:[/b] 34/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font][/center][/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Hellequin- Eyeballs]
[spoiler=Eyeballs]
There are an estimated 40 million blind people in the world, including you. One day you are visited by Balam, a monster who can only be seen by the blind. Although his appearance is different in front of each individual, he always has thousands of eyes on his body. He offers you two of his eyes in exchange for your blind ones. Whether enthusiastic or reluctant, you accept only for Balam to reveal a catch moments after the trade is complete. You must now find Eris, Balam’s beautiful but missing lover, who has disappeared somewhere on Earth, with the only clue to her location being a picture of a hammer and a sickle that Balam gave you a copy of. If you fail to find her, upon death, your soul becomes Balam’s possession. To help you, Balam provides you with the name and picture of one other person who also made the eye trade, so you may find that person and work together with them if you wish. In addition, your new pair of eyes has a special power that you will learn to master on your journey. Hopefully it won’t be for nothing. Good luck.[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] 5/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] Another very original plot. 10/10.
[b]Exposition:[/b] I like plots that show, not tell. The sentences aren't exactly great, but they're good. 12/15
[b]Overall:[/b]: The plot makes it so the characters already have an interesting background, and it's pretty straightforward. That doesn't mean there's no room for surprises. 10/10
[b]Total:[/b] 37/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font][/center][/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Obsidian- Rise of the Superhumans]
[spoiler=Rise of the Superhumans]
Super powered-beings sighted all over the world...... Aww C’MON! Don’t tell me you HAVEN’T seen the news? Pathetic! Great, now you force me to explain from the beginning......
Now, I’m sure you know about Junk DNA. If you don’t, I don’t care. Anyway, 95% of our DNA is Junk, unused, useless. According to scientists, Junk DNA just sits around, doing nothing. It’s simply there for when we normal humans need necessary evolution. Until the previously mentioned headline flashed across televisions around the world, even the best scientists thought it would only give us “normal” traits, such as gills or webbed feet, or anything of the like. But nobody ever thought it would be used like this.....
You see, strange energy waves have been hitting Earth. Where do they come from? What are they? No-one is sure exactly what they are, but it has been roughly described to enhance some humans it hits. Enhance how?
Well, APPARENTLY some people have a gene, the......uhhh......ok, it’s just a gene. Doesn’t need a name. Apparently, these energy waves caused that gene to suddenly become active, giving those people fantastic super powers! Scientists where clearly baffled, and tried to bring in these super-powered beings into their labs for tests..... But of course, some superhumans, as they have come to be called, didn’t want to be part of this testing. So they revolted, destroying labs all over the place. And even after the revolt ended, they were still evil, with a new thing luring them.
The prospect of being able to get whatever they wanted.
Now ordinary humans couldn’t do anything to protect their shops from being looted. Crime rates went up by approximately 50%! That’s a lot, considering the original crime rate of some cities!
But, of course, some of those superhumans where still good people. They allowed themselves to be tested, and, with their help, scientists where able to create machines.
What does that have to do with this?
Well, these machines can shoot the strange energy waves mentioned earlier. Now, with this machine, the government can turn ordinary people into heroes, in order to fight the rising crime rate.
And the government might be coming to your high school…..[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] It's fine. 5/5
[b]Originality:[/b] Super powers. High schools. Very original. 2/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] The narrator is a ass who doesn't care about the reader, and of course, too much telling, not enough showing. 7/15
[b]Overall:[/b] What is Junk DNA? What's up with the strange energy waves? And no, "no one knows" is not an answer. And of all the places the government can get superheroes(coughthemilitarycough), they decide to place super responsibility to high schoolers. 4/10
[b]Total:[/b] 16/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ELIMINATED[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center][/spoiler]
[spoiler=The Swift Assaulter- ZR: Zombies Resistance]
[spoiler=ZR: Zombies Resistance]
It had happened merely a few months ago. I originally thought it had happened to me first, but really, it started by a woman's husband turning into one of those things, killing her almost instantly, or so we thought. That woman had become the second of the flesh-eating beasts in only about two minutes of being a corpse, for the tainted blood of the man's husband was slowly flowing through her veins, arteries, and capillaries until it reached her brain. In only a few hours were there merely hundreds of these things, and it spread to the rest of California, Oregon, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Maine, where I first experienced this. In Maine, I was was the first to experience this, but I survived thanks to the gun my father had left behind after going on vacation to China with my mom, my uncle to take care of me. The beast that nearly cornered me was my Uncle, and I wish it had never happened.

With gun in hand and extra ammo in my pockets, I fought through as many as I could for how much ammo I had. I had many friends that still were in Maine, so as of now, maybe they could have been good use to help me. And they were. One by one I had found them, cornered by those freaks that use to be their family members. In turn, they had found their own weapons to kill these freaks that resided in their very houses. But it wasn't enough. We needed more in order to fight back this menace. And we became the Zombies Resistance. For the last few months, we had been surrounded by those freaks while we were in our hideout, an abandoned warehouse where we reserve the weapons we took from a gun store, whose owner had also became one of those freaks, and in turn gave us a way to fight back every time they invaded our hideout. Each time, they came in the hundreds, and more kept coming every time. It was then realized this will never end until we kill every freak in our way in order to find the true one who had begun this, and have him put an end to this. As of now, I only had 3 RVs with me back at my house, and it was better than nothing. In turn, we used the RVs to go from state to state where these freaks reside and look for survivors to find clues as to who started this.

We also needed to find our other friends before it was too late. It may be a long journey, but it's the only way this supposed war could end, as the US army are trying to fight back this threat in other states. This is our only hope. The only way to bring peace back to the Earth. It's time to fight back...[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] Several grammar mistakes, such as "man's husband". 4/5
[b]Originality:[/b] Zombie apocalypse survival? Not very original. 5/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] It was kind of weird how you just stated random states, and how you switched from future to present. (Example: "...maybe they could have been good use to help me. And they were.") 9/15
[b]Overall:[/b] I find it hard to believe that a kid with one gun survived, but a guy with a whole store of guns didn't. It sounds like a free RP where there isn't really a plot to follow besides survive. Well, there's the hunt for how it started, but how would that help them kill all the zombies? To get to the point, it's dull. 6/10
[b]Total:[/b] 24/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ELIMINATED[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Jake the Sage- Tamers]
[spoiler=Tamers]
In the year 3013 a group of archeologists stumbled upon the opening to an underground network of long forgotten ruins. Upon further investigation the researchers discovered indecipherable runes scrawled over the entire of the ruins.

Now in the present day of 3018 a new game called “Tamers©”, based on the mysterious runes, has started to increase in popularity. The game allows mass diversity to match each individual. Players and their Partners, whither they be monster or alien, to combat each other in a race to become the ‘Top Ranked Player’ in the world.

However, unknown to all, the runes are a mystic link to another parallel world. By an unknown and unforeseen event the runes reopen a portal to this world- throwing an untold number of players into a very dangerous situation. Now on their own, each player must strive to survive in a world where anything and everything can happen. Some decide to use their partners to wreak havoc, others to take care of the sick, and hundreds of others merely wish to return home.

If your life WAS part of the game, how would you play?
[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] Missing commas and odd grammar choices give this a 4/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] I've heard of plenty of "innocent games", or to be more specific, "innocent virtual games" that become real and puts their players in a dangerous situation. Also, couchPokemoncough. It has [i]some[/i] originality. 8/10.
[b]Exposition:[/b] Show, don't tell. Weird word choices in sentences such as " The game allows mass diversity to match each individual." What does that mean? 13/15
[b]Overall:[/b] Not much explanation, but I guess that's what the roleplayers are suppose to discover. It is a very interesting plot that could use some work. 9/10
[b]Total:[/b] 31/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font][/center][/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=radio414- Life Without a Soul]
[spoiler=Life Without a Soul]
Consider life as we know it.

Now, narrow that life down to around 6.8 billion examples of an ape-like upright species called in Latin Homo Sapiens.

Continue narrowing down examples, taking away all (if any) examples of the subspecies called (again, in Latin) Homo Sapiens Neanderthalis.

You now have a large amount of people. Nearly all of them are obsessed with devices called "digital watches"

Eliminate those people from your consideration.

The people who are left are either the elderly, who are too old to embrace the technology of digital watches, or people who use computers. People who use computers conveniently have a digital watch of sorts located somewhere on the screen in front of them.

Eliminate the elderly.

What's left can again be split up into groups. There are people who actually work on their computers (who should be eliminated because they might have a sysadmin watching their every move), there are people who play games on their computers (who should be eliminated because they never interact with anyone else, and thus, roleplaying them would be boring), and you have what some have dubbed the "forumites." Also known as people who spend their time on forums.
These people have admins watching them, but not too harshly, they do interact with people (albeit over the internet), and most importantly, they have no life. Sure, they eat, drink, and, on rare occasions, sleep, but these people live a soulless life. They rarely socialize with anyone verbally, only typing in their thoughts. They feel some online friends are closer than actual real-life friends. And to them, that's okay.

You, Mr/Mrs/Ms Homo Sapiens, are a forumite. You never spend a second willfully away from your computer.

The power is out. Everywhere. Power companies say two weeks before they can even get it back up again.

Have fun.[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] 5/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] Quite original. 9/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] I didn't see the point of starting with all life and slowly eliminating to the "forumite". It would have been much better if you just explained the forumite more thoroughly 9/15.
[b]Overall:[/b] It's a boring plot. It's a life RP without the li-*shot* 6/10.
[b]Total:[/b] 29/40.
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ELIMINATED[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Ba'al- Lands Where Gods Wander]
[spoiler=Lands Where Gods Wander]
On December 17th, 2012, a letter was sent out to a group of people. The letter speaks of the discovery of the decade, and of the truth of December 21st, 2012.

You are one of these people. You were chosen because you're talented, and needed for the expedition. What kind of expedition the letter speak about is not specified, but no matter, the letter has caught your attention, and you travel together with the known archaeologist Warren Johnson and the other chosen to the Mexican jungle.

On December 20th you arrive at the archaeological site, a previously unknown Mayan temple. Johnson is eager to show you what he has discovered, and reveals to you a gigantic, round stone tablet. At first sight it looks like a usual Mayan calendar, but upon closer inspection you find not only Mayan symbols, but also Egyptian hieroglyphs, Greek symbols and even Germanic runes. Before you get the chance to question Johnson the clock strikes twelve and the spoken of "doomsday" begins.

As the moonlight travels into the temple and hit the very center of the tablet, which begins to crack. Not long afterwards, the entire temple starts to shake, and the cracks start to shine. The next moment you're unconscious...

When you awake you are completely unaware about how long you've been gone, and find yourself in a strange temple building together with the other members of the expedition, but Warren is gone. As the others slowly awake you soon become aware that this is not the world that you are used to...[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] I think there was only like two grammar mistakes. 5/5
[b]Originality:[/b] I think it's original. I haven't seen any other plots like this. 9/10.
[b]Exposition:[/b] Exposition is ok. Not bad, but not groundbreaking. 14/15.
[b]Overall:[/b] Explanation is needed. Otherwise, you will have your readers making the plot instead of you. Remember not to make it too free unless you intend to do that on purpose. 9/10
[b]Total:[/b] 37/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font][/center][/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=supersonic4ever- The Rising of the Dark Sun]
[spoiler=The Rising of the Dark Sun]
A long time ago, dark creatures rose from the depths of the Earth and cursed all of its human inhabitants. They were cursed with disease and plague, which quickly grew into death. The few who survived thought that they had gotten rid of the curse forever, but they didn't know how wrong they were. The next day, a solar eclipse happened. The darkness activated the rest of the curse and caused the humans to turn dark. Not just like the dark side, but their bodies had a black aura around them. They wreaked havoc and destruction upon the Earth until the Gods of Light came down and stopped it. The gods stayed on Earth, knowing that it would happen again. Not long after, the Gods found the ancient prophecy that foretold of the next coming of the Dark Sun (what they named the solar eclipse). The Prophecy of Darkness, as they called it, said that the next Dark Sun would rise 1 day from the present timeline, and that is where our story begins.[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] 5/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] Dark apocalypse? Original indeed. 6/10.
[b]Exposition:[/b] It's not bad, but it's not good either. =/ 12/15
[b]Overall:[/b] Well it's an ok plot. It's not amazing, but it's good. One thing that I couldn't find was the setting. 8/10.
[b]Total:[/b] 31/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font][/center][/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Dharc the Dark Charmer- Spiritus Teneantur Proprio Animi]
[spoiler=Spiritus Teneantur Proprio Animi]
[center]Spiritus teneantur proprio animi.
For those of you who don't know enough Latin to translate that, it means "Spirits bound to one's own soul." What does that mean in a more contextual sense? Simple--Two souls bound together, connected by a chain that links their spiritual selves together. This is the relationship between humans and their "Divinum Animorum," or "Divine Souls." A Divinum Animorum is a special entity that comes into being when a human is born, as a complimentary factor to the person, to form equilibrium and prevent spiritual collapse, a process too horrifying to describe at this moment in time. Anyway, these Divinum Animorum develop alongside their Source, or human counterpart. The Divinum Animorum also do not take the form of just humans, no no no. They can be anything they want: Dogs, dragons, even lamps if they so which. They also begin to form abilities to protect themselves and, more importantly, their Source. These abilities can also vary, from psychokinesis to simple illuminatory properties, perhaps augmentation of the Source's natural ability...
But this is just the basic information. You still need to know something else--Why you should care. You see, there is a nefarious cult at work here, the "Iustitia Tenebris Auctores." They wish to become all-powerful by killing the Divinum Animorium of those who oppose them, and causing spiritual collapse...The worst possible fate imaginable...Now, don't be scared, you'll do fine so long as you have faith in your abilities. Well, maybe that may not be so good, but...[/center][/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] 5/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] 10/10. It it quite original.
[b]Exposition:[/b] Lots of telling. Not enough showing. 12/15.
[b]Overall:[/b] It's straightforward. Power vs Evil Power. It has lots of potential too. 10/10.
[b]Total:[/b] 37/40.
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font][/center][/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Otaku-sama- The Immortals]
[spoiler=The Immortals]
Ever since the dawn of humanity, man has yearned to become like his gods, to be free of hunger, pain and death. Yet, for millennia, those who tried to become like the gods have met appropriate demises.
However, nothing can stop the human spirit; when there is a will, there is a way. The twenty-second century was marked with great strides in medicine, causing the global average life span to shoot up to 90 by 2247. AIDS has all but exterminated and cancer no longer the guaranteed killer it once was.
However, nothing could stop the scourge of age, which proved to be problematic to the space program, which required trained astronauts to survive for generations to travel anywhere outside the solar system. The world's best biologists, chemists and biochemists worked together for the rest of the century, until at the turn of the century, the breakthrough was made.
An engineered virus with special RNA packets was made that could deliver a gene to a human cell that allowed it to destroy free radicals, the agents of age. The result: no aging past the age of 29. It was effectively immortality. They dubbed it "The Ambrosia Gene", after the food of the ancient Greek gods that gave them immortality. The world rejoiced at the discovery. Finally, humans can finally be like the gods. The space program was the first to inoculate people with the virus, allowing them to take the arduous task of traveling to Alpha Centauri a little easier. Soon, every country was distributing the virus to everyone. Men, women and children were all given eternal life.
However, a section of the world's population refused it, some claiming it to be a totalitarian plot, others saying it would be trying to replace God with humans. They cried out to try to stop the distribution, both peacefully and forcefully, but to no avail. They were simply dismissed as alarmists or fundamentalists.
However, after the initial excitement died down, people started to realize problems. The world was not able to handle the weight of billions of immortal humans, all of which had to eat. Despite being immortal, their bodies still hungered. The countries without major food sources were not able to support their ever-growing populations. Many of the poorer countries were crippled by food riots. However, most of the Far East and West remained relatively stable.
By 2300, a large percentage of desert countries have collapsed and Europe had begun to experiencing food riots as the limited land could not produce enough food for their massive population. Scientists had also discovered that the virus had evolved, allowing the immortals to evolve and change their physical and mental abilities while still alive. Those who worked physical jobs had bodily changes that allowed them to perform their job much more effectively, while scientists found themselves able to perform mental tasks with surprising speed.
However, this ability did not only evolve the civilized immortals. When emissaries from stable countries were sent to inspect the collapsed countries, they made a horrifying discovery: those who still lived there had resorted to cannibalism to satisfy their hunger. They too have evolved.
They had become human hunters, immune to all but the most powerful weapons, ran faster than a car and had developed biological bone spears formed from their own bodies. They reproduced at an alarming rate, with extremely high fertility and a gestation period of only two months, they quickly began to overrun neighboring countries. Despite becoming human hunters, they had not lost their intelligence, allowing them to use captured weaponry against their prey.
One by one, countries fell. First, the African continent and the Middle East fell to the man eaters. Then Europe fell, the UK's separation did not protect it from the unrelenting force of the man eaters. Even the mighty Russians found themselves forced back into Siberia. Then Asia collapsed, the People's Republic of China unable to stop the man eaters despite their numbers. By 2370, the only countries remaining were ones isolated with strategic locations, like Tibet, Northern USA, Western Canada and Japan. The conquered found themselves reduced to the livestock of the man eaters and evolved to be fat, sedentary and compliant to their masters' will. The remaining countries banded together, combining their militaries to perform coordinated defense against attacks. However, they slowly started to weaken. Scientists rushed to find a cure for their new plague: their immortality. They developed nanobots that could correct genes to remove the virus' effect, rendering immortals back to their original human selves. The countries created an elite unit of commandos, named Unit 818. Their mission: distribute the nanobots into key man eater population centers, hoping to collapse the man eater society and bring back the humanity that was lost so long ago. If they fail, all hope for humanity is lost. Gather your courage soldier, for the last chance to end this hell on earth is on your shoulders.[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] I think I only found one mistake. 5/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] It's an apocalypse caused by humans. 10/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] Very detailed. 15/15.
[b]Overall:[/b] It's an interesting plot that could be a roleplay plot as well as a book plot. 10/10.
[b]Total:[/b] 40/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ROUND II CONTESTANT[/size][/font][/center][/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=RadioKirby- Era Knights]
[spoiler=Era Knights]
The year is 3153. Space travel was achieved over a millennium ago. Earth's continents were unified into one nation twenty-three years ago. Time travel capabilities were achieved ten years ago. A little less than five years ago, Earth received a transmission from a group of galactic mercenaries calling themselves the Galaxy Fleet. They claim to be coming to Earth to destroy it, and create a new planet in its place. They said they are giving us five years to prepare. That entire time has almost completely passed. You all have been gathered to this one era to have all of the strengths of Earth's history and future. You are the Era Knights.[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] 5/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] Too sci-fi cliched. 5/10.
[b]Exposition:[/b] Boring sentences, too short, lack of showing. 8/15.
[b]Overall:[/b] It's in ground zero(not bad, but not good). 8/10.
[b]Total:[/b] 26/40
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ELIMINATED[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Zimiri of the Muse- Paint]
[spoiler=Paint]
Paint
Zachary ****
You mailed out the entry form and have been spending all the time you can spend down at the range. The biggest paintball competition ever held, and you want in. You mailed in the form, got the pyhsical and filled out the waivers. Now you wait day after day to see if you got in. The last day of the entry deliveries arrives and you cut from school to come home early. You open the mailbox and pull the mail out. You rush inside an tear through the mail: junk, junk, bills, school (great way did I do this time!), parents, junk. You sink to the ground amiss a pile of envelopes. You go up to your room and lock the door. As you lay on your bed and was abou to turn the radio on, but you hear a knock at the door. A large sigh emerges and you walk to the door and say sarcasticaly "what!". The tall gaunt man replies crossly. "I am a representitive from the G.P.T.O. the lobal paintball tournament organazation and was here to tell you that you won a participation coupon along with your team roster but if you'd rather be left alone." After dinner and the painful goodbyes you pack your gear and double check your gear. As you walk out the door to the awaiting limo your mother calls the most horrible line she could probably just to annoy you "don't forget to change your underwear honey!". You slam the door to the limo. Within three hours you are standing to the door of your team's barracks. The other 4 members are there, chatting as if they had known each other their entire lives. You stand ackwardly at the door. There are two males and two females.[/spoiler]
[b]Grammar/Spelling:[/b] Missing commas are missing. 4/5.
[b]Originality:[/b] Well, I have to admit. This is original. 9/10
[b]Exposition:[/b] It's bland, dull, boring, *insert other synonyms here*, etc. At least it shows instead of just a lot of telling. 9/15.
[b]Overall:[/b] Paintball is an odd thing to RP. It's like a war RP, but it's innocent and all for fun. I don't find it interesting, but maybe that's because I've never gone paintballing. 7/10.
[b]Total:[/b] 29/40.
[center][spoiler=The Verdict]
[font="Impact"][size="7"]ELIMINATED[/size][/font]
[/spoiler][/center][/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Quick Run Through]
[s]*Eliminated[/s]
[b]*Qualified for the next round. [/b]

[s]1. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233596-dark-christmas/page__p__4877068#entry4877068"]Nexev- Dark Christmas[/url][/s]
[s]2. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4882899"]NeoDemonX- The 100 Year Games[/url][/s]
[b]3. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/213491-across-the-chessboard-not-started-accepting/page__p__4464536__hl__brokenheart15__fromsearch__1#entry4464536"]BrokenHeart15- Across the Chessboard[/url][/b]
[b]4. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/225005-muse-parallel-universes-rpstartedacceptingooc/"]§îl¥€®- MusE[/url][/b]
[b]5. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4884964"]Hellequin- Eyeballs[/url][/b]
[s]6. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233222-rise-of-the-superhumans-2-pg-13not-started-always-accepting/"]Obsidian- Rise of the Superhumans[/url][/s]
[s]7. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4887055"]The Swift Assaulter- Zombies Resistance[/url][/s]
[b]8. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/192014-tamers-startedaccepting-via-ooc/page__p__3955122__fromsearch__1#entry3955122"]Jake The Sage- Tamers[/url][/b]
[s]9. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4889038"]radio414- Life Without a Soul[/url][/s]
[b]10. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4890825"]Ba'al- Lands Where Gods Wander[/url][/b]
[b]11. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/178544-the-rising-of-the-dark-sun-lock/page__p__3658407__fromsearch__1#entry3658407"]supersonic4ever- The Rising of the Dark Sun[/url][/b]
[b]12. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4890969"]Dharc the Dark Charmer- Spiritus Teneantur Proprio Animi[/url][/b]
[b]13. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4892039"]Otaku-sama- The Immortals[/url][/b]
[s]14. [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/224917-era-knights-bonds-through-time-oocnot-startedaccepting/"]RadioKirby- Era Knights[/url][/s]
[s]15. Zimiri of the Muse- Paint:
[spoiler=Paint]
Zachary ****
You mailed out the entry form and have been spending all the time you can spend down at the range. The biggest paintball competition ever held, and you want in. You mailed in the form, got the pyhsical and filled out the waivers. Now you wait day after day to see if you got in. The last day of the entry deliveries arrives and you cut from school to come home early. You open the mailbox and pull the mail out. You rush inside an tear through the mail: junk, junk, bills, school (great way did I do this time!), parents, junk. You sink to the ground amiss a pile of envelopes. You go up to your room and lock the door. As you lay on your bed and was abou to turn the radio on, but you hear a knock at the door. A large sigh emerges and you walk to the door and say sarcasticaly "what!". The tall gaunt man replies crossly. "I am a representitive from the G.P.T.O. the lobal paintball tournament organazation and was here to tell you that you won a participation coupon along with your team roster but if you'd rather be left alone." After dinner and the painful goodbyes you pack your gear and double check your gear. As you walk out the door to the awaiting limo your mother calls the most horrible line she could probably just to annoy you "don't forget to change your underwear honey!". You slam the door to the limo. Within three hours you are standing to the door of your team's barracks. The other 4 members are there, chatting as if they had known each other their entire lives. You stand ackwardly at the door. There are two males and two females.[/spoiler] [/s][/spoiler]


[spoiler=Announcements]
As you saw, if you didn't get a score higher than 30/40, you were eliminated. Sorry to everyone who lost, especially to those who were close.

I'm currently creating Round II. I have decided that we will use Otaku-Sama's plot, [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/233859-roleplaying-tournament/page__view__findpost__p__4892039"]The Immortals[/url].
[/spoiler]
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Jake the Sage Rookie

Jake the Sage

Posted
Posted
*high fives supersonic*

Hell yeah for the 31s XDDD

And Twig what can I say? I actually didn't have a plot for Tamers, decided to let it flow "natrually" from the decisions the roleplayers would make. Okay so that isn't quite true . . . I had a plot but not a very detailed one. Also I never said I was the best roleplay maker X3

Also good job to those who got a perfect 40/40 *claps*

Alright now Twig, since we're using Okatu's roleplay do we just make a character for it or what?
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Ｄｈａｒｃ Newbie

Ｄｈａｒｃ

Posted
Posted
[center][size="3"][color="#800080"]Alright, I'm headed through! Sorry to everyone who didn't, congratulations to everyone else who did. Thanks to Twig especially.[/color][/size][/center][center][size="3"] [/size][/center][center][size="3"][color="#800080"]Now, we're doing "The Immortals?" Sound plot. But yes, I was also wondering if we should just make an Application now or just wait for something. Anyway, there seems to be some good competition here.[/color][/size][/center][center][size="3"] [/size][/center][center][size="3"][color="#800080"]Also, Twig, I have a question: Since Otaku-sama made "The Immortals," would he/she/they be judging and therefore exempt from this round due to an "Unfair Advantage," or what?[/color][/size][/center]
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Twig Newbie

Twig

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  • Author
Posted
[quote name='Jake the Sage' timestamp='1293945257' post='4905206']
Alright now Twig, since we're using Okatu's roleplay do we just make a character for it or what?
[/quote]

Not yet. Otaku-sama and I have to make the app first.

[quote name='Dharc the Dark Charmer' timestamp='1293952719' post='4905389'][color="#800080"]Also, Twig, I have a question: Since Otaku-sama made "The Immortals," would he/she/they be judging and therefore exempt from this round due to an "Unfair Advantage," or what?[/color][/size][/center]
[/quote]

Otaku just makes the app. Otaku doesn't judge.
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supersonic4ever Newbie

supersonic4ever

Posted
Posted
Name: James Seino (say-no)
Country of origin: USA
Age: 25
Rank: Captain
Appearance: Royal Blue armor; thick and heavy. He has light brown hair with fair skin. (Not very pale, but not dark) James has an emerald green eye color and light brown medium (not extremely bushy, but not too, too thin) eyebrows, and has a light brown mustache. He also has a matching safety helmet with his armor, and has an ensignia on it to specify his rank as Captain.
Personality: James is kind, polite, and is respected by other people. He is one that you can make friends with easily, but when he's doing his job, he is serious. James is determined and crucial about his job, as he knows one mistake could be his last. He is intelligent, and decieving on occasion. He is reliable and trustworthy. Overall, he is a good man to be around, both in friendship and work.
Mortality: Mortal
Bio: James, as a young boy, was always fun to be around and play with. When the Ambrosia Gene came about, he thought of it as both good and bad. He used his intelligence to decide that the Ambrosia Gene was just a way to put off the inevitable, and just pure unnatural. He thought of it as an extremely supernatural disruption in the delicate balance of the universe, and that is why he remains mortal to this day. He began to regret not being immortal a little, and then saw that it was good for him in the long run. In order to defend himself, he began delving into skills he never knew he had. He became extremely skilled in weaponry and combat. It was because of these skills that he became a part of Unit 818 in his early adult years and earned his rank as Captain. He continues his role in Unit 818 to this day.
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Quiksilver Newbie

Quiksilver

Posted
Posted
[quote name='The Swift Assaulter' timestamp='1294068833' post='4908906']
[b]So, since my plot was eliminated, I am no longer a participant in this tournament? [/b]This is just to verify and to remind you all that my plot wasn't like any Zombie Apocalypse RP you would expect, and I have made it into a Fan Fic so I may do the story the way I want it.
[/quote]

I can answer for Twig- that is a yes. Also, if we're Mortal, we put Mortal, but if we're Immortal we put the type of Immortality our character has?
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Aesirson Newbie

Aesirson

Posted
Posted
Almost done with my character, but I need to know: My character is currently at the age of 101. If the Ambrosia Gene would be removed from her, would her body fall apart or would she still remain, physically, at the age of 29?

EDIT: If the Ambrosia Gene is removed from Unit 818 in the first place, that is.
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Aesirson Newbie

Aesirson

Posted
Posted
Thank you, then it is time for me to present:

[spoiler=My character][b]Name:[/b] Regina "Reg" Caine
[b]Country of origin:[/b] Canada
[b]Age:[/b] 131 (but looks 29 due to the Ambrosia Gene)
[b]Rank:[/b] Lieutenant
[b]Appearance:[/b] Regina, as a previous spy and agent, is genetically manipulated to look perfect so that she would be a master of seduction. She has a beautiful and slim face with a short, sharp nose. Her eyes are blue as sapphires and look almost artificial. Her hair is long and silver, but is usually tied-up in a knot to keep it out of the way during missions. She is tall for a female, standing at 1.80 meters, and her body is completely unscarred due to nanobot technology that repairs any scars and damages caused to her exterior. (although they are unable to repair interior damage) She wears a white jumpsuit with red trim. On her right thigh she has strapped several med- and stimpacks, and her suit is also equipped with the latest of stealth technology.
[b]Personality:[/b] In contradiction to her occupation as a spy/scout, she is very talkative and unserious while not on missions. She believes in getting he job done, but doesn't mind having some fun during the process. She enjoys reading, especially literature from before the Gene was developed, and has also tried to write something herself, but has always discarded her ideas due to lost interest and lack of time. When the situation gets dire she will do everything to get everyone out alive, but she won't hesitate to (try to) joke something serious away.
[b]Mortality:[/b] Immortal. While she originally was a classic spy, like James Bond or Chuck, she is now trained in the usage of a sniper and is an excellent scout.
[b]Bio:[/b] Born in the year 2239, before the Ambrosia Gene was developed, Regina grew up in a family of Christians. She had a quite normal childhood, but when the Ambrosia Gene was announced the rest of her family rejected it. She, however, agreed to be implanted with it in secrecy without the rest of her family knowing. As she was still young when the Gene was implanted it had no visual effects until she was over 29, and it was at this point of time that she went through the nanobot implantation and surgeries to perfect her body.

Her parents saw this as "discarding the body the Lord had given her", and when they learned about her implantation of the Ambrosia Gene they completely cut all contact with Regina. They didn't even contact her on her birthday, and she didn't learn of her mother's death until two years after the point of death. At this time Regina had already started out as a spy and she was very good at it, even for someone with the Gene. However, when the cannibals started to rampage across the world and the remaining countries united her spying abilities became close to obsolete, but her sneaking- and weapon training gave her a guaranteed scouting spot in Unit 818, and she is currently working with the others to cure the "turned".[/spoiler]
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