Legacy of the Tormentor: The Dark Doorway [PG-16]

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1314989316' post='5486882']
I miss this story.

I do hope you are going to continue it Umbra my friend, even though the blasted format change of this site is making things arduous.
[/quote]

I've been telling him the same thing when we were chatting on Facebook earlier. It's so good, and he just left us right in the middle of a great story arc!

I do agree, the format change is making everything all weird; I'm having trouble adjusting to it with my own, to be honest.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

[quote name='Star' timestamp='1314989915' post='5486918']
I've been telling him the same thing when we were chatting on Facebook earlier. It's so good, and he just left us right in the middle of a great story arc!

I do agree, the format change is making everything all weird; I'm having trouble adjusting to it with my own, to be honest.
[/quote]

It's been awful; when I read a chapter back and notice I need to space out two paragraphs or something stupid I go and edit it, and that the duel stats placed in spoilers are now in spoilers that are pages long, and little bits of centered text like titles have translated to centre everything. Really annoyed with hyperlinks being changed as well, it was great with the old system when I could just name a card mid speech, and if it was obscure one just make the card name a clickable link whilst still part of the text. Such as "I summon [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Ghost_Gardna"]http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Ghost_Gardna[/url] in defence... mode...?"

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1314991134' post='5486962']


It's been awful; when I read a chapter back and notice I need to space out two paragraphs or something stupid I go and edit it, and that the duel stats placed in spoilers are now in spoilers that are pages long, and little bits of centered text like titles have translated to centre everything. Really annoyed with hyperlinks being changed as well, it was great with the old system when I could just name a card mid speech, and if it was obscure one just make the card name a clickable link whilst still part of the text. Such as "I summon [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Ghost_Gardna"]http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Ghost_Gardna[/url] in defence... mode...?"
[/quote]

Well, I can help you a bit:

With the Card Name, go into Editing Mode (that little lightswitch), and type it in that way, for your URL thing, and it will work fine. Personally, in my story, I do my Cards in spoilers right after they're Summoned, but your method works fine too, and will work exactly as it used to if you just switch to Editing Mode while you're posting.

I don't like the alignment thing at all; I used to center my Logo before each episode and have the rest regular, but then that centers the whole thing and throws the spacing off.

[Umbra]

Just switch to manual editing (the "toggle editing mode" light-switch button in the post-box) and everything should come out as intended. Sure, you'll have to do everything yourself, but it's possible.

And, after some consideration, I've decided to start working on a Chapter 16, at least. After that, we'll see.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

I summon [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Gagaga_Magician"]Gagaga Magician[/url] in attack mode.

Got it. That's a complete pain in the ass way of doing it, but still. Thanks guys.

Glad to hear Umbra.

[Umbra]

...and, I finally finished it. Link's available in the first post. I apologize you had to wait: I wish I could say it won't happen again, but that all depends on whether or not I feel like I can actually finish the story.

Senior year is turning out to be literally tons of work, plus that I have a few literary projects I'm working on... Lots of things to do, and little time to do them. I want to finish The Dark Doorway, I'm just not sure that I can.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Read chapter 16.

Good that Jonah is back in the picture, as well as Melanie about to come more to prominance.

[Umbra]

...and we have Chapter 17, featuring everyone's favorite wacky side-characters from the first Volume. 18 is tentatively titled The Song of the Goat, and will mark the end of our adventures in Adoración.

I felt that focus had drifted away from the Jacksons and Freeborns lately, just a little too far than what I'd intended. They needed a chapter or so to get in line with everything else that's happening. Melanie in particular is one character that will become more important further down the line.

[Synchronized]

Bumping this for the sake of it needing to be seen by more than just two people.

I'll have your review up shortly - within a few hours.

[Synchronized]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]Well, thanks to the large amount of free time College offers on rare occasions, I've finally had the chance to catch up with the story and now I feel like I'm finally on the same page. Since I had missed that span of Chapters when you started this originally, I was somewhat behind and found myself wondering who a few of the characters were due to the amount of time you excluded some of them in the middle of the Arc.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]It's nice to see Jonah back in the story and hopefully we'll get some more progress from him after he missed some time. I'm interested to see some further elaboration into that scene we saw from his dream, where he had the crystal and felt his energy draining - I assume that was Versago talking to him and you did that rather well; as a reader I found myself somewhat enticed in the story and by ending it where you did, you created a really interesting place to go back to that and elaborate on it further. I'm assuming based on what you said about Versago "resting" for now, we won't hear from him for a bit, so it makes for good build-up and anticipation. Well done.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]From there we had the hospital scene, which really draws you in. With 14 still fresh in your mind, and the imagery too that 14 created, really allowing you to picture the story as though you were watching it on a screen or going on in your head, I've got this imagery of an almost scary hospital in an abandoned city, with few survivors and the number becoming even less-so. The description was really well done and you nailed the tension that understandably comes with these chaotic situations to a tee. You can really understand why Vince is freaking out, and how his beginning to panic unlocks that same panic in the others - when one fears, it spreads easily.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]I will say I'm a bit lost on the Dryad thing and what she's trying to do, but that could be because it wasn't quite the central focus of these two episodes. I think after catching up Kyaran is still the one character I'm not completely familiarized with. That, and wondering whether or not Elvira is also a spirit like Lester or if she just has those capabilities in one way or another. In 16 and 17 you definitely built some intrigue for Dryad's plan while keeping it in the background to avoid taking away the focus from the hospital.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]In 17, the one thing that lost me was who Alicia is. You didn't mention her at all beforehand, and then she seems to be re-introduced, and yet I'm not sure who she is so I think once I get caught up on that part a lot more of this will make sense. When the mother appears (that's Fredrecia's mother, right) things really start to pick up. [/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]Personally, I think you handled the "breaking of the fourth wall" in a really good way - so much so that it actually added to the story by creating this image that the two Elemental Sages really are from another world. As a reader, we can connect with them, and by having it so none of the characters acknowledged their "wall breaking", it just adds more suspense, in a way.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]You're on a roll here and it's almost a shame you don't have as much motivation because this is coming along great and the more chapters you write, the more I'll read them. This is definitely a story that people would like if they noticed - I suppose that's just the issue then.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD]Either way, fantastic effort.[/color][/font][/size]

[size=3][font=verdana,geneva,sans-serif][color=#0000CD][b]I sense a duel will be coming soon - and when it does, I imagine it's going to be epic with how long we've waited and the context, too. I'm very much anticipating that.[/b][/color][/font][/size]

[Umbra]

I can't promise that focus will lie specifically on Jonah for now - we do have a fairly large cast in our hands here, and the ones that are still alive at this point are fairly important. But he has been upgraded from being the literal dead weight on the team now, and will have a much larger role in the events to come.

The scene in the dark room was actually meant to the be a metaphor for the inside of Jonah's mind, which used to be "overflowing" with the light that represented his power. Now, there's just the crystal left: nothing compared to the light that was there before, but more intense and concentrated. Jonah's outburst against Versago pretty much drained him of all his power, but the crystal here remains - there might be another way to greatness. As such, the crystal isn't Versago - it's an entity that represents Jonah's power.

[spoiler=Spoiler / Explanation]
If anything, you could say that it's Adam.
[/spoiler]

I'm glad that played out well. I was trying to paint an image of the "pinnacle of madness", the point where everything is just eventually going to boil over. The survivors may argue about who caused this thing, but eventually they may unite under one of the strongest forces on Earth: An American's love for their country. Let's simply say it may not be the last time we see those people.

Originally I had a "joke" in the outside scene: Odysseus' "Must be dead, then"-line would refer to Matt's phone, but then be misunderstood by everyone else. However, when I finally got that line down there, I ended up liking the serious direction much better, but thinking that Odysseus would come off as an insensitive bastard that doesn't give a damn about anything anymore.

Dryad's plan will hopefully come to fruitition in 18. I will say that it's quite epic, at least what I've planned for their exit into the world beyond.
Kyaran is one of the characters that featured prominently in the original, although without as much exposition as the other characters.
Elvira is more or less in the same position as Jonah - or, for those of you very well versed in the Legacy of Tormentor-lore, more of an Aigora. Dryad is bound to Karen and Elvira the same way that Kyaran is bound to Jonah, although with a bit more delicacy and efficiency. She was bound to Frederica and Alicia before her when their respective children were born and during the pregnancy, which gave them a greater affinity for power than an ordinary human. [b]Simply put[/b], Elvira is a human with substantial power, that also can "borrow" power from Dryad to achieve even greater things.

I explained it to you over Facebook, but I figure I should mention it to the other readers (if you exist): Alicia Bell is [b]not only[/b] Frederica's mother, but also the old woman that Jonah rented a room from in the first chapter. It's a small town, folks, what can you expect?

The Elemental Sages were something else I worried about. I handled them well enough in the original, I think - I didn't get any bad rap about them back then - but I wasn't sure if I still did. I still tried to keep the story serious, by not having the other characters break down as well, and now I know that worked out.

Thank you, again, for taking the time to read it. I'll try to get this story out to the general public, but the fact remains that LoT is a very... let's say [i]different [/i]story compared to the average YGO fanfic you'll find here. You won't find any mass-murders caused by the protagonist / antagonist in many stories on this forum. You don't see hospitals overflowing with the dead and the dying. I'm thinking that LoT just doesn't appeal to the large crowd. I'm glad I have the readers I do, but I wouldn't mind a few more.

[Synchronized]

Perhaps the contest will do just that, then.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Finally got round to reading 17.

Was worth it just for the Elemental Sages. They were just absolutely amazingly brilliant, in just a 'what... the... f***...' but just very very funny.

The landlady, damn I knew I'd read that name before. I love it when writers plant things in stories well beforehand in stories that are really sutble and offhand at the time and then come back (best example I can think of is actually Harry Potter - Book 5, when he is told about a room that gives you want you need, and he remembers Dumbledore talking about it in passing in the previous book with a witty bathroom joke that was just passing humour at the time, but actually turned out to be an important hint for Harry).

Also finally understand what breaking the fourth wall means now. Well you've been smashing that in a few chapters (14 for example) but it enhances the story so much to be involved like that. It kinda fits the sages 'omnipresent, mystical, all knowing'ness for them to do it if anything, as well as add humour.

[Umbra]

<slowresponder />

While I won't say Alicia's re-entry into the story was planned from the start, her being Frederica's mom and by extension Karen's and Elvira's grandma was thought of at least eight chapters ago. It's just one of those things that, once you think of them, they just have to be in the story, no matter what.

To be honest, the Elemental Sages are probably my personal favorites when it comes to characters I've created. Sort of like Rodriguez in the now-on-ice Inheritance reboot, they give me so much power as a writer when it comes to telling a story. That power does come with a lot of responsibility, as once said by the great Ben Parker, but I think I've handled them well. Judging solely from the criticism I've received on them, apparently my readers (Both of them!) like what I'm doing with them as well.

This is really the first full case of breaking the fourth wall in The Dark Doorway. The second-person narrative that it uses is just that, a second-person narrative. While it's certainly unusual, it's not as much breaking the fourth wall as it's climbing over it. The Sages, on the other hand, have reduced the fourth wall to little more than dust by now. There's even a veiled pop-culture reference in there; barely noticeable, but it's there. [Speaking of barely noticeable references, did you catch that Herios has read a certain Fanfic?]

I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Honestly, I can't motivate myself enough to write 18 to the end, due to this astonishing lack of readers. No offense to you, Bahamut and Star - if anything, you've kept me going this far. I just don't see much of a reason to keep writing if I know it's only going to be seen by a few people, if any at all.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

[quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1318189778' post='5570801']
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Honestly, I can't motivate myself enough to write 18 to the end, due to this astonishing lack of readers. No offense to you, Bahamut and Star - if anything, you've kept me going this far. I just don't see much of a reason to keep writing if I know it's only going to be seen by a few people, if any at all.
[/quote]

Well, it's unfortunate that you feel that way, but I can't say I blame you when your having to put so much time and effort in and getting little reward for it. Think this section has got much, much quieter since the format change to the site.

Great shame to see such an awesome writer be unappreciated. Hopefully if you ever get the feeling to write again here your next work will be better recieved.

[Divine Chaos]

Well, i'm reading this here and it's AWESOME, no question about it. Can't really post a review cuz I'm busy, but will try to put one up when i have time.

[Vector Nightmare]

I apologize for neglecting my reader duties. My life has been a whirlwind lately. I'm entering my hopefully final year of university studies, which would make things quite hectic by itself, and coupled with various university reforms, it has basically kicked my free time out of the window these past few weeks.

I am currently up-to-date with this story, and really excited at that. Chapter 16 was very well-written - I'm satisfied with how the flight from Adoracion went down. I was a bit surprised about Jonah losing his powers - guess I didn't see that coming. I chuckled at people jumping at terrorism and bio-warfare. Though I'm pretty sure that would be the most feasible interpretation in a situation like that. It was only now that I was able to fully appreciate your talents at characterization - creating such a diverse, detailed supporting cast is something few writers can pull off effectively, and it makes the length of the Adoracion arc worth it.

Chapter 17 offered more surprises, and raised more questions. I appreciated Alicia's tie-in here. The fact that Dryad was discussed so early without her direct presence was a bit weird to me. I liked Dryad's teleportation method - it reminded me of the Circles in the Wheel of Time series. Generally a lot of what's going on is, in a good way, very reminiscent of that series, which is incidentally my favorite fantasy series. I never expected to see the Elemental Sages here - I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I thought they were a mostly dropped concept after their initial appearance in LotT. Not that I'm complaining - I really loved their scenes, and now was no different. Them being Dryad's associates - or rather apprentices - was a bit iffy - I imagined them as basically unrelated, not tied to anything in the present time. But I should've guessed, given their respective titles. Ah well.

[Umbra]

[quote name='Divine Chaos' timestamp='1318248829' post='5572293']
Well, i'm reading this here and it's AWESOME, no question about it. Can't really post a review cuz I'm busy, but will try to put one up when i have time.
[/quote]

Thank you. Always glad to see a new reader, especially someone who likes it. Take your time with the review.

[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1318286464' post='5573081']
I apologize for neglecting my reader duties. My life has been a whirlwind lately.
I'm entering my hopefully final year of university studies, which would make things quite hectic by itself, and coupled with various university reforms, it has basically kicked my free time out of the window these past few weeks.
[/quote]

I understand. I'm going through something similar myself, except that it's high school rather than university.

[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1318286464' post='5573081']
I am currently up-to-date with this story, and really excited at that. Chapter 16 was very well-written - I'm satisfied with how the flight from Adoracion went down. I was a bit surprised about Jonah losing his powers - guess I didn't see that coming. I chuckled at people jumping at terrorism and bio-warfare. Though I'm pretty sure that would be the most feasible interpretation in a situation like that. It was only now that I was able to fully appreciate your talents at characterization - creating such a diverse, detailed supporting cast is something few writers can pull off effectively, and it makes the length of the Adoracion arc worth it.
[/quote]

Jonah losing his powers seemed like a natural consequence of going literally all-out against Versago, but I guess my trains of thought don't always align with my readers'. I assumed that most people wouldn't think "boy with magical powers attacks supernatural horror and makes things go boom" so I went with some more "traditional" responses to attacks. Desperation does horrible things to ya; let's just leave it at that.

The one character I feel hasn't got the amount of exposition she deserves would be Frederica, but otherwise I can agree with that: I think I've built up a pretty solid supporting cast, and it was definitely worth the time. I'm having troubles drawing the line between main and supporting cast, though: who counts and who doesn't?

[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1318286464' post='5573081']
Chapter 17 offered more surprises, and raised more questions. I appreciated Alicia's tie-in here. The fact that Dryad was discussed so early without her direct presence was a bit weird to me. I liked Dryad's teleportation method - it reminded me of the Circles in the Wheel of Time series. Generally a lot of what's going on is, in a good way, very reminiscent of that series, which is incidentally my favorite fantasy series. I never expected to see the Elemental Sages here - I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I thought they were a mostly dropped concept after their initial appearance in LotT. Not that I'm complaining - I really loved their scenes, and now was no different. Them being Dryad's associates - or rather apprentices - was a bit iffy - I imagined them as basically unrelated, not tied to anything in the present time. But I should've guessed, given their respective titles. Ah well.
[/quote]

Alicia's explanation to Odysseus was mainly for his benefit, to bring him up to speed, so to say. In a way that may or may not make sense, he has kind of been nagging me about it. He doesn't know who Dryad is, or what she has done with his family, and he wants to know - he [i]needs[/i] to know. Alicia is probably the most knowledgeable being on the latter, having seen three generations of impact first hand.

I haven't read much of the Wheel of Time, but it's fully possible I've picked up the "Circle" somewhere and built the Anchor from it. However, it wasn't directly inspired by it; I wasn't thinking "Let's rip off Wheel of Time!" or anything like that. (I know that's not what you meant, I just wanted to get that out there.) Being compared to Robert Jordan is a pretty good compliment, though; thanks for that.

The Elemental Sages were one of those things that were just too good to leave out. I made the connection a few chapters after Dryad introduced herself, and it explained a lot of things: why the Sages were on Earth to begin with, for instance. They're not directly related to either side in the Tormentor / Dreadroot conflict, but they realized it wasn't going in a direction they wanted to, so they stepped in. Versago, on the other hand, is a much greater threat, and may need the assistance of more than one Primordial. It's time to take a stand, so to say. The elemental connection was too good to pass up.


18 is well underway, but I can't promise an exact date yet. Hopefully before the end of the week. Thanks for the feedback, everyone: you have no idea how much it helps.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

You should threaten to stop more often

[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1318286464' post='5573081']
I liked Dryad's teleportation method - it reminded me of the Circles in the Wheel of Time series.
[/quote]

Once looked at starting that series but was overwhelmed by the length. I take it you would recommend them?

[Vector Nightmare]

[quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1318329287' post='5573867']The one character I feel hasn't got the amount of exposition she deserves would be Frederica, but otherwise I can agree with that: I think I've built up a pretty solid supporting cast, and it was definitely worth the time. I'm having troubles drawing the line between main and supporting cast, though: who counts and who doesn't?[/quote]

You're keeping a fair balance, though, and this allows for you to play out with various characters without the readers going all 'hey, where'd this guy come from?' For example, in the last two chapters, all scenes felt natural and interesting, because it wasn't all about the 4-5 main guys.

[quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1318329287' post='5573867']Alicia's explanation to Odysseus was mainly for his benefit, to bring him up to speed, so to say. In a way that may or may not make sense, he has kind of been nagging me about it. He doesn't know who Dryad is, or what she has done with his family, and he wants to know - he [i]needs[/i] to know. Alicia is probably the most knowledgeable being on the latter, having seen three generations of impact first hand.[/quote]

It just seemed like an awkward time / way to give some exposition about Dryad.

[quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1318329287' post='5573867']I haven't read much of the Wheel of Time, but it's fully possible I've picked up the "Circle" somewhere and built the Anchor from it. However, it wasn't directly inspired by it; I wasn't thinking "Let's rip off Wheel of Time!" or anything like that. (I know that's not what you meant, I just wanted to get that out there.) Being compared to Robert Jordan is a pretty good compliment, though; thanks for that.[/quote]

Oh, I didn't imply that you were ripping off, in any way. Concepts like the Circles (essentially the universe's "magic-users" combining their powers in some form) are seen almost everywhere, anyway. It's just that the description and the general atmosphere reminded me of relevant scenes from the Wheel of Time, which is a good thing.

[quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1318329287' post='5573867']The Elemental Sages were one of those things that were just too good to leave out. I made the connection a few chapters after Dryad introduced herself, and it explained a lot of things: why the Sages were on Earth to begin with, for instance. They're not directly related to either side in the Tormentor / Dreadroot conflict, but they realized it wasn't going in a direction they wanted to, so they stepped in. Versago, on the other hand, is a much greater threat, and may need the assistance of more than one Primordial. It's time to take a stand, so to say. The elemental connection was too good to pass up.[/quote]

I should've thought of them sooner, given Dryad and all. But even though I remembered them, and I took note of them again when I re-read the original, I still didn't make that connection. That's one good thing about me as a reader - I don't add things up unless I specifically dwell on them, and thus I tend to be pleasantly surprised.

[quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1318329287' post='5573867']18 is well underway, but I can't promise an exact date yet. Hopefully before the end of the week. Thanks for the feedback, everyone: you have no idea how much it helps.[/quote]

Most of us are writers anyway, so we do have an idea =/.

[quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1318354212' post='5574177']Once looked at starting that series but was overwhelmed by the length. I take it you would recommend them?[/quote]

I would definitely recommend them, especially to someone who's interested in writing and specifically writing long stories with extensive character casts and mythology. Jordan works wonders in those aspects.