Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 I've almost... almost caught up. Just finished chapter 12. Didn't realise you used the Japanese names for cards as well as Saber did, will have to go and re-read the first duel again now. Kinda disappointed Matt and Ephriam got killed off in seconds, would've been nice if Matt had disappeared so he could re-emerge later. Didn't find the scene with Andrea sickeningly graphic but well written. Erm, yeah, the plot is thickening, the action intensifying and the story is growing on me with each chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Just finished reading Chapter 13; excellent read, and a gripping conclusion. It did seem a bit "text blocky", but maybe that was just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310053604' post='5335163'] Didn't realise you used the Japanese names for cards as well as Saber did, will have to go and re-read the first duel again now. [/quote] That was actually more of an after-construction, seeing as few actual cards were used in the first duel. The prominent violator of this - Solemn Judgment - has since been corrected. Japanese names will be used from hereon, though. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310053604' post='5335163'] Kinda disappointed Matt and Ephriam got killed off in seconds, would've been nice if Matt had disappeared so he could re-emerge later. [/quote] That's the thing with people, though. Sometimes... they just die. Vagueness aside, Matt and Ephraim existed more to demonstrate exactly what is happening in Adoración right now; the next chapter will do so to an extreme. On your last sentence... we've already brought back one character from the dead, with Versago taking Richard's shape. What's stopping the story from bringing back a few more? The veil that separates the living from the dead is thin; a strong enough wind can send ripples from one world to another. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310053604' post='5335163'] Didn't find the scene with Andrea sickeningly graphic but well written. [/quote] I got called out on a similarly graphic scene in a Bleach fanfic from a while back, so I decided to throw in a disclaimer this time. I'm glad you liked the scene, though: just as in that story, it was one of those things that simply [b]entered[/b] my mind, an idea already fully developed, something to make the scene memorable. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310053604' post='5335163'] Erm, yeah, the plot is thickening, the action intensifying and the story is growing on me with each chapter. [/quote] Thank you. I'm taking a rather different direction with Chapter 14 at the moment; I hope it lives up to your expectations. I've noticed that I tend to write in blocks sometimes, but I break into paragraphs only where I find it necessary. Perhaps some rewriting is due when I'm further down the lane? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310068127' post='5335820']That's the thing with people, though. Sometimes... they just die.[/quote] For some reason, I found this quote slightly ironic >.> [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310068127' post='5335820']I've noticed that I tend to write in blocks sometimes, but I break into paragraphs only where I find it necessary. Perhaps some rewriting is due when I'm further down the lane?[/quote] My main issue is the formatting inconsistencies. Sometimes I can't even figure out what's supposed to be italicized and what's not. Anyway, the chapter. It flowed quite well after the previous one. Some things mildly confused me, such as Versago appearing in Lester's dream like that and Lester being able to repel him, but I guess it's one of those 'read-and-find-out' cases. What I particularly liked was the last scene. It reminded me of an old favorite moment in Yugioh, where Bakura rewinds time to prevent his alter ego being burned down by Ra. Now - There were titanic men armed with fiery swords - Hino-kagu-tsuchi? =[ alluring women wielding firearms and scepters - Ehm, plenty of sorceresses in mind, but no gunwoman readily available and other creatures, things that were neither man nor woman but beast, dragons and gigantic birds with their wings set aflame, beings both angelic and demonic in nature - Obviously this encompasses many. Nepthys shouldn't be in there; as I recall, she was born later. Ra might, though. Among them, two seemed to stand out from the rest, standing on opposite sides of the circle; two men, one in blue armor and one in green and gray, who seemed to have developed some sort of personal vendetta - Obelisk and Dreadroot, no? As for Dryad's circle and the Elysium, I can't figure them out. I never tend to pay enough attention to card art to remember it unless a) it has appeared in the anime in some episode I have watched more than once, or I have written about it. So, if these don't fall in one of these categories, I'm afraid I'm not having much luck. I had a thought about Chaos Goddess as the angel-winged member, but not exactly. I'll look further into it. Anyway, I wanted to grab this chance to tell you that I think you're overdoing it with the pantheon a bit. It was natural to expand the concepts of the original, but eh, to learn that Obelisk and Dreadroot and the others were merely agents of some greater forces, who in turn were many (and quite probably have some higher-ups as well)... it was a little overwhelming, since it contradicts quite a bit of the established mythology, quite fast. It's not like... a massive problem, but I did find it a little disconcerting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Perhaps a little ironic, yes. But there's a huge difference between the deaths we're talking about, and you know it. (Unless Jacqueline [b]is[/b] actually dead, and that was a villainous subversion (sort of) of Anyone Can Die... The plot thickens!) That said, I suppose the confusion comes from two flaws of mine when it comes to writing; my rather different (perhaps simply [i]bad[/i] if it confuses people to this end) writing style, which is sort of a conglomerate between first- and third-person, and the problem I have with putting the tags in in general. Seeing it all formatted up nicely in OpenOffice is deceiving for me, I guess. I will work on it, and I'll look over Chapter Thirteen to see if there's anything blatantly problematic in there, but that's really all I can promise. As said before earlier in the thread, - I should really put that in the relevant post, shouldn't I? - the lists of monsters don't have any specific counterparts in the game, only those who are more accurately described. But the two of those are indeed Obelisk and the Dreadroot. (Don't put too much thought into it; we probably won't see much of the other Primordials throughout the story.) Ah, I knew this time would eventually come. Judging from your reaction to it, I personally think I executed it beautifully. Why, you might ask. Well, old friend, the answer is clear: it's [i]supposed to be[/i] disconcerting, especially for the readers of Legends. (Well, all [b]three[/b] of them, only two of which are actually following the story as far as I'm aware) I'm turning the world upside down here for most of the major cast; to me, it's only natural that I'd want to do so with my audience as well. Imagine how Kyaran feels right now, or would feel if he wasn't too busy with getting Jonah away from the veritable apocalypse that Adoración has become. Not only has he learned that everything he grew up with is wrong, he has also learned that existence itself isn't as he thought it was, not to mention that he thought it came from the most knowledgeable source on the matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310068127' post='5335820'] That was actually more of an after-construction, seeing as few actual cards were used in the first duel. The prominent violator of this - Solemn Judgment - has since been corrected. Japanese names will be used from hereon, though. [/quote] Oh I see, there's a mix. Got it now. [quote] That's the thing with people, though. Sometimes... they just die. Vagueness aside, Matt and Ephraim existed more to demonstrate exactly what is happening in Adoración right now; the next chapter will do so to an extreme. On your last sentence... we've already brought back one character from the dead, with Versago taking Richard's shape. What's stopping the story from bringing back a few more? The veil that separates the living from the dead is thin; a strong enough wind can send ripples from one world to another. [/quote] It's an annoying habit with those flimsy bodies isn't it just? I see... [quote] I got called out on a similarly graphic scene in a Bleach fanfic from a while back, so I decided to throw in a disclaimer this time. I'm glad you liked the scene, though: just as in that story, it was one of those things that simply [b]entered[/b] my mind, an idea already fully developed, something to make the scene memorable. [/quote] Yeah, I remember putting in a disclaimer when I crucifixed that priest in my fic, that horrified no-one. Can understand what she did completely, fight or flight syndrome and all that makes you lose control, etc. [quote] Thank you. I'm taking a rather different direction with Chapter 14 at the moment; I hope it lives up to your expectations. I've noticed that I tend to write in blocks sometimes, but I break into paragraphs only where I find it necessary. Perhaps some rewriting is due when I'm further down the lane? [/quote] Looking forward to. On the blocks, it may help if you indicated jumps in location/switches between focused characters by doing .... that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 There shouldn't be a mix anymore; Solemn has been corrected into Declaration of God. I've personally read too much Stephen King to be horrified by most things literary, but other people aren't as... squick-resistant. It's mainly fight or flight; as I think Saber mentioned when the chapter was new, the fact that she's in a zone where people are turning insane by the minute doesn't really help, either. I try to mention the name of the new character as soon as possible, but I see how people could still be thrown off; I've been so myself, and fairly recently, too, and as a matter of fact offered the same advice as you did, so I guess I should just do that. Now, due to a family tragedy as of lately, I'm not exactly sure how available the computer will be. I'll try to write something, but I can't promise any new content this week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310124010' post='5337586'] I've personally read too much Stephen King to be horrified by most things literary, but other people aren't as... squick-resistant. It's mainly fight or flight; as I think Saber mentioned when the chapter was new, the fact that she's in a zone where people are turning insane by the minute doesn't really help, either. Now, due to a family tragedy as of lately, I'm not exactly sure how available the computer will be. I'll try to write something, but I can't promise any new content this week. [/quote] Don't think I've ever read Stephen King. Should. Sincerest condolances my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 You definitely should, friend. Apart from his classical works (Carrie, Pet Sematary, The Stand, The Shining, and obviously It) I would recommend Desperation, as it's definitely one of his best works. Can tak, can tah, can ah lach! Muchly appreciated. As it turns out, we will be leaving Wednesday, which should give me enough time to finish Chapter Fourteen and start working on Inheritance's third chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 ...and, Chapter Fourteen has been finished. Fair warning, folks, this is a long one: clocking in at almost forty-five hundred words and just over six pages of OpenOffice. [spoiler=Not to mention that] It also doesn't feature the cast, neither main nor supportive. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 I'm caught up on everything for about the first time. Chapter 13 - To be honest most recollection has been lost by the following chapter, but I remember it was enjoyable and answered some questions, before throwing out more. Can't guess at anything from the court by the way, except from the boss lady. Queen of Fate Eternia? Also I will say that despite this being a YGO fanfic and that we've only had 1 and 1/2 duels in 13 chapters, I think this balance has worked fine in this fic. Can't resolve everything by throwing down cards here. Chapter 14 - I'm sorry, the following statement is probably way over the top, but that was one of the best chapters I've ever read. In anything. Ever. My first impression is: Cloverfield. A film which the first time I watched I stopped after eighteen minutes out of boredom, before I was informed that it was in the nineteenth minute all hell breaks loose. Watching it in full it was a really good horror. The whole thing was done so well. Such an innocent scenario, such a happy normal event like a birthday party, and then it slowly gets worse and worse. The way you worked the camera with the timing was brilliant. I also love how you light heartedly rambled on (or wight heared wambled as Piper might say, but I'm rambling off from the point) during the middle of something so horrifying. One of the things that made it really great was the unpredictably. I naturally assumed we were being introduced to Piper as another important character. But I was never sure throughout whether her and her father would survive. With Armageddon it's probably a bit predictable at what times good will triumph and the bad guys get their successes, but this was always in the balance and could go either way. Last three lines were amazing. KALIN!!! No, wait... oh shi-- Honestly great work and deservedly repped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] Chapter 13 - To be honest most recollection has been lost by the following chapter, but I remember it was enjoyable and answered some questions, before throwing out more. Can't guess at anything from the court by the way, except from the boss lady. Queen of Fate Eternia? [/quote] Hopefully some questions were answered. Some things will be clarified in the arc finale - at least according to current plan. The monster in question is very, very similar to Eternia (who may be up for a Primordial / Elysium position later on, should the need for one rise), the Elysium in question isn't her. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] Also I will say that despite this being a YGO fanfic and that we've only had 1 and 1/2 duels in 13 chapters, I think this balance has worked fine in this fic. Can't resolve everything by throwing down cards here. [/quote] Compared to, say, The Dead Zone or Armageddon - or even Legends, Legacy's first iteration - Jonah and pals just don't find themselves in situations where duels would suffice. I would personally find it hard to believe if some great, ancestral evil fell down from the skies and challenged the hero to... a card game. (Then again, this IS YGO. I don't know what people expect, really.) I've used duels where they make sense, and nowhere else. I think the balance has been worked out. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] Chapter 14 - I'm sorry, the following statement is probably way over the top, but that was one of the best chapters I've ever read. In anything. Ever. [/quote] ...and that clocks in as Challenger to "The Best Piece of Criticism I Have Ever Received", facing our current champion, "You sick, twisted, disturbed [i]genius[/i]." Jokes aside, thank you. I have to admit that I've borrowed a few writing tricks from King, ([i]the insert-thought-bubbles that go on and on, long beyond where you'd think an insert would go, for instance[/i]) but thank you nonetheless. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] My first impression is: Cloverfield. A film which the first time I watched I stopped after eighteen minutes out of boredom, before I was informed that it was in the nineteenth minute all hell breaks loose. Watching it in full it was a really good horror. [/quote] So, in other words, the beginning sucked, but the rest was great? [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] The whole thing was done so well. Such an innocent scenario, such a happy normal event like a birthday party, and then it slowly gets worse and worse. The way you worked the camera with the timing was brilliant. [/quote] I wasn't sure how that would work out, if the second-person perspective from the opening paragraphs would transfer into a third-person perspective and then back, as a sort of ominously drifting-about narrator. I thought that seeing things through the camera all of a sudden would unsettle the readers (in a bad way - I was actually aiming for the good way of unsettling you) to the point where it just wouldn't work. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] I also love how you light heartedly rambled on (or wight heared wambled as Piper might say, but I'm rambling off from the point) during the middle of something so horrifying. [/quote] Something rather extraordinary happened while I was writing this story. About four pages in, I realized that there was simply no way I was going to be able to end it any time soon. The story just kept coming, with Piper's and her dad's life simply unfolding before me. King has said a few times (and I'm sure that there are other authors who feel the same) that he doesn't come up with stories; they're already there. He simply writes them as they come. That's what happened to me while writing Those Less Fortunate, and what I try to do with all of my work; for it to simply [i]come to me[/i], even if it means that I have to endure some rambling while waiting for the plot to happen. [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] One of the things that made it really great was the unpredictably. I naturally assumed we were being introduced to Piper as another important character. But I was never sure throughout whether her and her father would survive. With Armageddon it's probably a bit predictable at what times good will triumph and the bad guys get their successes, but this was always in the balance and could go either way. [/quote] When I first started writing this - and when the first idea came, which was a while back - I originally had Piper's dad surviving the entire ordeal. I didn't have an ending in mind, other than Adam's introduction, but when the kid actually came around... he simply had to die. I can't really be held responsible. Adam killed him, and I had to write it down. Couldn't really leave that detail out, could I? [quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1310306099' post='5342923'] Last three lines were amazing. KALIN!!! No, wait... oh shi-- Honestly great work and deservedly repped. [/quote] Not entirely sure what exactly falls under "last three lines", since we could definitely have different-sized screens, but I can estimate. That was one of those things that just came to me - suddenly switching to the camera and let the imagination of the reader draw up horrors that words can't possibly describe. Who is this Kalin character? (Bear in mind that "Adam" in his first incarnation - and his true predecessor Nathaniel - first appeared near the end of the first volume, Legends, and thus preceded 5D's by a fair amount of time.) Thank you, for the longer review as well as the rep, both of which are very appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310318370' post='5343197'] Hopefully some questions were answered. Some things will be clarified in the arc finale - at least according to current plan. The monster in question is very, very similar to Eternia (who may be up for a Primordial / Elysium position later on, should the need for one rise), the Elysium in question isn't her. [/quote] Fifteen or twenty chapter arc? Oh well, at least I'll still be able to read it during quiet nights at work. [quote] Compared to, say, The Dead Zone or Armageddon - or even Legends, Legacy's first iteration - Jonah and pals just don't find themselves in situations where duels would suffice. I would personally find it hard to believe if some great, ancestral evil fell down from the skies and challenged the hero to... a card game. (Then again, this IS YGO. I don't know what people expect, really.) I've used duels where they make sense, and nowhere else. I think the balance has been worked out. [/quote] No it's fine. Card games for the fate of the world sometimes is a bit... really? Really? [quote] ...and that clocks in as Challenger to "The Best Piece of Criticism I Have Ever Received", facing our current champion, "You sick, twisted, disturbed [i]genius[/i]." Jokes aside, thank you. I have to admit that I've borrowed a few writing tricks from King, ([i]the insert-thought-bubbles that go on and on, long beyond where you'd think an insert would go, for instance[/i]) but thank you nonetheless. [/quote] Glad you remembered that line [quote] So, in other words, the beginning sucked, but the rest was great? I wasn't sure how that would work out, if the second-person perspective from the opening paragraphs would transfer into a third-person perspective and then back, as a sort of ominously drifting-about narrator. I thought that seeing things through the camera all of a sudden would unsettle the readers (in a bad way - I was actually aiming for the good way of unsettling you) to the point where it just wouldn't work. Something rather extraordinary happened while I was writing this story. About four pages in, I realized that there was simply no way I was going to be able to end it any time soon. The story just kept coming, with Piper's and her dad's life simply unfolding before me. King has said a few times (and I'm sure that there are other authors who feel the same) that he doesn't come up with stories; they're already there. He simply writes them as they come. That's what happened to me while writing Those Less Fortunate, and what I try to do with all of my work; for it to simply [i]come to me[/i], even if it means that I have to endure some rambling while waiting for the plot to happen. [/quote] I take it you haven't seen Cloverfield. The whole thing - I mean the WHOLE thing - is a camera film that started at a house party, but then went on to record the destruction of New York by some huge monster. It worked well. I was ok reading it. I get that sometimes, where it just flows. Know Saber does as well. [quote] When I first started writing this - and when the first idea came, which was a while back - I originally had Piper's dad surviving the entire ordeal. I didn't have an ending in mind, other than Adam's introduction, but when the kid actually came around... he simply had to die. I can't really be held responsible. Adam killed him, and I had to write it down. Couldn't really leave that detail out, could I? Not entirely sure what exactly falls under "last three lines", since we could definitely have different-sized screens, but I can estimate. That was one of those things that just came to me - suddenly switching to the camera and let the imagination of the reader draw up horrors that words can't possibly describe. Who is this Kalin character? (Bear in mind that "Adam" in his first incarnation - and his true predecessor Nathaniel - first appeared near the end of the first volume, Legends, and thus preceded 5D's by a fair amount of time.) Thank you, for the longer review as well as the rep, both of which are very appreciated. [/quote] No that's fine. I like unpredictablity. I mean with Armageddon, you know at the end of the day Juruo and all the other signers will win and live happily ever after, and that Demon and Fygmorke will be defeated/killed (or will they...? O_o). In this anyone could be killed at any given second. My bad, last three paragraphs. Yes, being blind is f***ing scary especially if you can hear growls and screaming. No worries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 Currently, the Adoración arc seems to be clocking in at about seventeen, eighteen-ish, just by thinking ahead. (If it actually turns out to be nineteen... that's just [i]ka[/i], I guess.) Definitely not twenty, and longer than fifteen. Duels have their place in any YGO story, don't get me wrong, but the Dark Doorway just isn't that place. Not that often, at least. I haven't seen Cloverfield yet. I will, though, especially now that you've pointed out the similarities. I fully expect Demon and Fygmorke to do some father-son bonding in Utopia after they completely curbstomp Juruo and friends to the ground. Perhaps found a village somewhere up along the coastline, or start a brewery. On a side note: Utopia wasn't inspired at all by [url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Utopia]this[/url], was it? (Either way, I think one of your main villains should use it. Too damn appropriate to leave that out, if you ask me.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 [quote](for those of you interested, the cassette special is available from our gift shop, courtesy of Adrian Dureau's Birthday Documentaries)[/quote] One copy please. Actually, make that two; oughta have one for the kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1310327874' post='5343520'] I haven't seen Cloverfield yet. I will, though, especially now that you've pointed out the similarities. I fully expect Demon and Fygmorke to do some father-son bonding in Utopia after they completely curbstomp Juruo and friends to the ground. Perhaps found a village somewhere up along the coastline, or start a brewery. On a side note: Utopia wasn't inspired at all by [url=http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Utopia]this[/url], was it? (Either way, I think one of your main villains should use it. Too damn appropriate to leave that out, if you ask me.) [/quote] Generally speaking I don't like horrors at all. Find them stupid. But cloverfield was alright. [center][img]http://www.realbeer.com/nmvbp/graphics/jpeg/dudemon.jpg[/img][/center] (Belgian beer I'm led to believe) Aspiring Emperor Hope was rebranded as Utopia (wrongly) for the TCG after I'd introduced the theme to Armageddon. Not only would an Xyz be random in Demon's Ritual Deck, but a light monster? Can see where you are coming from but... I want Konami to hurry up and make more Xyz based archtypes for when I start planning my next fanfic, if that ever comes to see the light of day. Oh and yes, do you have the video on Blu-Ray? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 I see Utopia as more of a Fygmorke card, especially after recent events. The "light within the darkness" could make an interesting theme, I think, as opposed to the heroes dipping into the Dark Side. Plus, I think Infernities has some easy access to Level 4s. I haven't actually played them in a while, but it doesn't sound impossible. The Blu-Ray actually comes with an additional 15 minutes of content, as well as an alternate ending revealing that Piper and Adam are actually long-lost twins, separated at birth. It could be yours for only [acronym=Excluding shipping and handling, sales tax and corruption tax.]$1999,99[/acronym]! Call right now, and you'll get a second copy charged directly to your account. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I realize that the epic Chapter 14 will be hard if not impossible to follow up on, but I believe I've at least made an arguable attempt. Chapter 15: Fires in the Sky has now been posted. I would like to take this moment and say that the opinions and beliefs presented in this story do not necessarily match up with my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I will begin by voicing my major complaint here, that isn't specific to this chapter, but has built up over the past few chapters. Jonah has been out of the picture for too long. I know he's unconscious and all, but I can't help but feel he should be taking some part in it. Dream sequences, visions, anything at all to say 'hey! I'm still here, and I'm the main character, yo!'. With nothing from his perspective for quite a while, he's been out of the spotlight for too long, and I fear re-integrating him into the prominent position might be difficult after this. He's been unconscious with nothing going on from his PoV for more chapters than he's actually been conscious, and that's a bit of a put off here. Other than that, we're good. Chapter 14 was particularly exciting and I can't wait to see how it will tie in to the main plot. I also feel that it was one of the best-written pieces from you. Chapter 15 was also quite good. I like Elvira and Lester as characters more and more, even though Lester seemed rather bland at the beginning. But, I think it's about time you ended the Adoracion arc and worked into the core of the story again. We've received more than enough introductory exposition, I'd say, and the plot is moving along rather slowly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I understand the complaint. When I first started writing this arc, I had planned for a conclusion at about Chapter 15, which (due to circumstances yet to be revealed) would end with the main cast in relative safety. However, as we started getting closer to the end (somewhere in the early tens, if I'm not entirely mistaken) I realized that this would go on for a bit longer than I'd intended it to. Jonah's unconsciousness is a problem, definitely, a problem that can be taken care of easily. The latest two chapters also contain some foreshadowing, albeit subtle such, but yes; the plot is moving rather slowly. I won't rush it if I don't have to; currently I have an end set on either 17 or 18. The problem there, though, is the lack of exposition for the cast which may become important in the future; the Jacksons as well as Vince and Melanie. Many things will have to happen in order for the end to go smoothly, but I think I can tie it all together. Some way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 So I've just finished reading 14, and I'm really at a loss for words. I've never read something so gripping, that keeps you wanting to keep reading the entire thing straight through. I don't have a great reading span, as in, I can't sit and read for hours (like when it comes to writing), but man, that was the best piece of writing I think I've ever read. I could picture the entire thing in my head as I read it, as if I was right in the story, on that balcony, and you had such a great way of describing it. That being said, and I don't mean this in a negative way at all, I feel as if you telling the story and putting those jokes in there like you did actually took away from it, just a bit. I appreciate the style and use it myself quite often, but this should've felt as dark as could be to really convey the brutality we were seeing. I thought it was Jonah at the end, and we'd have some cool hero moment, but I'm glad you didn't take that route. (Especially since I missed a lot of the original so I'm not great with the descriptions; I don't know what everyone looks like.) Brilliant piece of work, my good friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 It seems that 14 has some value on its own - perhaps my next story will be done in that style altogether? Or would that make the novelty wear off? Could I keep that up for page after page after page? Part of its glamour, I think, lies in the brevity of the story and the fast pace - I'm not sure if it's possible for a longer piece. We shall see, I guess. Our perspective changes to the next topic. The "jokes" (I'm not sure what to call them, really, [i]humorous inserts[/i] perhaps?) were put in there for a reason. Well, two reasons, mainly. Consider that the narrator is a character in the story, rather than the ominous-type you'd find in most third-person stories, separate from the main character. This would be an example of second-person perspectives, another notable of which you'll find in [i]The Catcher in the Rye.[/i] This narrator, though, doesn't want their listeners to be too scared of what's going on, and so simply tells the story. The jokes come naturally, but are very morbid in nature. Perhaps the narrator is pointing out the absurdity of the situation to maintain their own sanity, too, in a way? There's many ways that scene could be read, and I've played through most of them in my head. It's staggering, to say the least. Speaking of staggering, the reception for 14 has been unexpectedly great. Thank you all for the great criticism, and I hope you'll be able to enjoy the rest of the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 [font=georgia,serif]So I've finished 15, and as expected, perhaps, I have some questions:[/font] [font=georgia,serif]* Run me through this again, but is Elvira human? And what's her relation to Lester?[/font] [font=georgia,serif]* Are they actually in Adoracion in this Episode?[/font] [font=georgia,serif]* If Lester's a spirit, and no longer "alive", how can he hold her hand and things like that when she's human and he's not? How would there be anything to grip?[/font] [font=georgia,serif]* Despite the chaos, is Adoracion actually on fire, burning, etc.? [/font] [font=georgia,serif]* And when they find Lester, where is he?[/font] [font=georgia,serif]I thought it was great; some people might not appreciate the religious context you gave it, but I thought that actually added to it greatly. The way you included it made it seem almost eerie; you capture that so well, as in if this were a movie and I was watching it, it'd likely freak me the hell out.[/font] [font="georgia, serif"]You continue to impress, and I'm interested to see where we go from here.[/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted August 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 1. Elvira is entirely human; her exact connection with Dryad will be outlined in a future chapter. 2. They are, although a significant part of the chapter takes place in what Lester calls the otherworld. 3. This is one of the things I know I need to expand upon. Lester is actually in full control of his body, but his spirit has been separated from it. Consider his body as possessed, in a way. It's actually comparable with Elvira's situation when Dryad is in control: Dryad's spirit is outside the body, but can control its every movement. 4. Not yet; they're kind of working on that. 5. He's basically running down the street, being able to sense where they are and running towards them. They find him as much as he finds them. I see the religiousness as part of Lester's character, and the manifestation of his powers - controlling the otherworld - as natural progression of them. I know that some people may not agree with Lester's religion - I certainly don't - or perhaps that I'm portraying Christianity incorrectly, but I believe that's one of the more beautiful things about belief; everyone's entitled to their own. I'm not saying that Lester's view on what God should and shouldn't do is somehow representative of Christianity as a whole; it's his own personal beliefs. Thank you. Getting descriptions right is something I'm good at, I know that much, but getting them right to the point where people actually start visualizing something I intend to be scary and are actually somewhat frightened by it doesn't happen a lot. Good to know I've still got it. After a completely unmotivated hiatus, Chapter 16 is finally in construction. I have absolutely no idea when it will be finished, though, so stay in touch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 I miss this story. I do hope you are going to continue it Umbra my friend, even though the blasted format change of this site is making things arduous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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