Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 Sorry I haven't read this in so long. Tangled stroyline was getting a bit too tangled, plus wasn't too keen on custom cards. Tried again though, and am delighted I did so. Must've just been a bad day when I read 6. Just read chapter 7, just really full of suspense and mystery. [spoiler=Also... The lead character lost.. .are you insane, that's not allowed in YGO [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted April 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 I know it's a bit tangled, but I assure you it should go a bit smoother from the end of the duel and onward. (Even I was confused while writing that.) I hope you'll enjoy the next ones; I think you will. I usually reserve custom cards for the key characters, so you'll see less of them in the future. [spoiler=Response] Oh, please, the protagonist having their proverbial ass handed to them is something I do a lot. Especially to Jonah. Poor kid. [/spoiler] EDIT: As it turns out, I had another chapter finished, but never actually uploaded it. Also, either the word count for replies is either much shorter than for the original post, or there was some sort of bug; Chapters 9 and 10 would not work in the same post. Chapter 10: The Sickness can now be found through the first post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 Somehow I had missed these updates... ah well. The action scales upwards in those last two chapters. I enjoyed your ability to effectively portray the chaos going around in the whole town without detracting from the individual scenes - it was really immersing, overall, and I would like to be able to convey this type of scene as well as you can. You caught me by surprise with the aftermath of the attack - looks like Jonah will have to take on quite a bit of responsibility after this. And Kyaran's thoughts put an interesting perspective in the whole situation. Really, if there's one advice I can give, it's to double-check the formatting before posting the chapter >_>. Half the chapter ended up in italics due to a broken tag, which would've been easily fixed by a preview before the post. Chapter 10 was equally intriguing - more new characters, and I love the level of detail you are attributing to them, combined with the scope you are using, you are really making your world seem alive and real. I loved Lester's vision sequence and the nods to the original. Even though Dryad seemed a bit of a jerk in this. Diego's sacrifice I had seen coming, just not so soon. It was a good way to kick things into motion, though, and I'm especially curious as to who will be the one to take the stage now. And a pretty nice way to send Hironima off too. Very nice overall, can't wait for the next updates. Unfortunately I understand the hassles of real life - I haven't been able to write even a tenth as much as I would have liked to this period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Alright, formatting errors fixed. I also looked over my current version of Chapter 11, so that should be error-free once it comes up. Jonah's in for some serious hell once he regains consciousness, you're right about that. Not only did he practically nuke an entire town, but he also indirectly forced another protagonist to kill someone they loved. Once Elvira finds out that Jonah was responsible for that... I look forward to writing the chapter. One thing that I try to stay away from in my writing is one-shots; villains of the week, temporary plots that appear and finish in a single chapter, and minor characters. So far, the only one that really falls under this in The Dark Doorway is James Harrington, who I still believe has a relatively solid character. I tend to flesh out my secondary characters to greater extent than most people would, giving me that level of detail you're talking about. Lester's parents, while not important to the story itself, will basically have Chapter 11 dedicated to them. It is their chapter, in essence. The plot will still move forward, but they will have most of the focus. Dryad [i]is[/i] a bit of a jerk. Especially when it comes to Karen and Elvira. They mean the world to her, probably in a more literal sense than the proverb was ever intended to have. Chapter 11 will be up shortly; I just need to add some finishing touches, and get up to that magic thirty-five hundred word mark. EDIT: Chapter 11 is up. We're approaching the end of the Adoración arc swiftly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted April 23, 2011 Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 Nice chapter. The gore was quite refreshing. I like how you're building up Elvira as an independent character with her own strengths and weaknesses, rather than just as a puppet for Dryad. And the part about their connection was also quite intriguing. As for the next scene, it was interesting to see how different people reacted to the after-effects of Jonah's effort. It seems that proximity plays a great role here, as well as... I don't know, predisposition? Because Andrea was clearly affected by it, yet not to the same effect / extent as Ephraim, while John was not affected at all. A ZONE-ish dawg appears to Lester, who seems to be in line for the next super-human slot. I don't know, but I kind of liked the original concepts of the most important people being the descendants of the Gods. Of course there were others, but still the central ones were connected in that sense. Now it seems more irregular, though it may be just the fact that we haven't received enough exposition on the subject yet. Would you happen to have a link handy to Inheritance of the World? Search function fails for older threads, the whole find-posts-by-user thing seems to not function, and browsing through endless pages would be rather frustrating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted April 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 I wasn't sure what people would think of the gore, but I felt that it needed to be there. I needed a way to properly illustrate exactly how bad things are going down, and elaborate descriptions seemed like the easiest and most efficient way to do so. Their connection will be rather important to the story later on. Kyaran and Jonah will have to make some decisions whether to go down that road or not. Proximity definitely plays a role, as does predisposition. Personal health is another factor; Ephraim, who works during the night and sleeps during the day, would naturally be thrown off on a Saturday morning, and thus more vulnerable. Andrea may not be as affected as you'd think. Sometimes, it's just best not to mess with Mama Bear. You're not the only one who wonders about that. All of this will be explained in future chapters; just give it time. Dryad's powers are fundamentally different from anyone else's in the story, while the powers granted by Jonah's outburst are more similar. The wonderful thing about Lester is that he doesn't have a guardian spirit, which makes him fundamentally different, as well. As you're not the only person who has asked for a link to Inheritance, I looked through all 109 pages of the forum... only to find that it was gone. Lost to the ravages of time, I fear. It was written three years ago; perhaps a rewriting is in order. [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/15297-chronicles-of-the-ascension-arc-1-currently-at-chapter-13-dark-confrontation/]I did find something else, though.[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1303605100' post='5162881']I wasn't sure what people would think of the gore, but I felt that it needed to be there. I needed a way to properly illustrate exactly how bad things are going down, and elaborate descriptions seemed like the easiest and most efficient way to do so. Their connection will be rather important to the story later on. Kyaran and Jonah will have to make some decisions whether to go down that road or not. Proximity definitely plays a role, as does predisposition. Personal health is another factor; Ephraim, who works during the night and sleeps during the day, would naturally be thrown off on a Saturday morning, and thus more vulnerable. Andrea may not be as affected as you'd think. Sometimes, it's just best not to mess with Mama Bear. You're not the only one who wonders about that. All of this will be explained in future chapters; just give it time. Dryad's powers are fundamentally different from anyone else's in the story, while the powers granted by Jonah's outburst are more similar. The wonderful thing about Lester is that he doesn't have a guardian spirit, which makes him fundamentally different, as well.[/quote] I thought the voice that she heard was some sort of clue that she was also undergoing some change. Not to mention the fact that you need a lot of muscle power to smash someone's skull to pieces with a frying pan. [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1303605100' post='5162881']As you're not the only person who has asked for a link to Inheritance, I looked through all 109 pages of the forum... only to find that it was gone. Lost to the ravages of time, I fear. It was written three years ago; perhaps a rewriting is in order. [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/15297-chronicles-of-the-ascension-arc-1-currently-at-chapter-13-dark-confrontation/]I did find something else, though.[/url][/quote] Gah, the eyes, they bleed... Too bad about Inheritance, though, after reading the original Legacy I wanted to refresh my memory of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted April 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 The "voice" she heard was actually John's voice, but nonetheless she has become affected. Consider it more of a Hulk-type power, though. All characters should make mental notes not to piss off Andrea by now. Now you know how I feel about reading Legends. Inheritance is long gone from any computer I own as well, but I remember enough of the story to write it down again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Bump...? idk mang, you need to write more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 It's not as much that I need to write more - not that I don't - as it is that my internet needs to stop being so bad. There is a Chapter 12 in the works, but I'm not sure when it will be up. I fully intend to finish this story, I'm just not sure whether or not I will be able to post regularly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 [quote name='Umbra' timestamp='1306077782' post='5225029'] It's not as much that I need to write more - not that I don't - as it is that my internet needs to stop being so bad. There is a Chapter 12 in the works, but I'm not sure when it will be up. I fully intend to finish this story, I'm just not sure whether or not I will be able to post regularly. [/quote] Tell your Internet to stop being bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 After too long a delay to be considered appropriate, Chapter 12: Deus Ex Machina can now be found in the first post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 A bump for good measure, too. Not to mention, folks! We have a duel! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 GASP A DOOL??????? I always kind of liked Road Warrior Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 Blue moons tend to be more frequent than duels in my stories. Chapter 13 is tentatively titled Desperation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Finished reading Episode 12. You never fail to impress, especially with description and a gripping story. I've missed a few episodes; perhaps you could summarize and catch me up so I can be up to date with the story? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm glad you liked it. A brief summary will follow. Note that this is forty to fifty pages of content I'm summarizing here. [spoiler=Brief summary of The Plot So Far] Jonah Morae, now age eighteen, has spent the last three years or so trying to find out what happened to his father. After following up a lead from old friend Nick Chalis, Jonah has arrived in the small town of Adoración, California. Apparently, this is the residence of Hironima Yasuo, an Asian man who worked with his father before his death. Jonah meets up with new acquaintance Lester Morgan, but their meeting is interrupted by the arrival of Simon Chalis, Nick's father, who supposedly is to meet Hironima the same day. They follow Simon's car to Hironima's house, and overhear a violent argument between the two. No more than minutes after the argument ends, and Simon Chalis is heading out of town, Hironima is knocked out through his window by [i]something[/i], and there's smoke pouring out through it. As it turns out, Hironima has been attacked by eldritch alien-creature Versago, who then turns his attention to Jonah. The latter, not wanting to have his rear handed to him just yet, proceeds to summon forth his guardian spirit, Kyaran. Versago essentially nullifies that by separating Jonah from Kyaran with a barrier, shapeshifts into Jonah's dead father, and they duel. Outside the barrier, Lester and Diego Rodriguez, Hironima's neighbor, tend to the Asian man with Kyaran's assistance. Eventually, he is sent to the local hospital. There, the Jackson family - Odysseus, Frederica, and their fraternal twin daughters Elvira and Karen, are currently staying. Karen, as well as family friend Melanie Freeborn, went down with sudden fever during the early morning hours, and have been staying at the hospital since. They're both up and running when Hironima is wheeled in to the bed across the room from them. Somehow, Hironima - a superhuman by birth - is able to contact Elvira from a distance and tell her what she needs to know. She manages to convince Matthew, one of Melanie's fathers, to drive her back to town. As he drops her off and starts driving back to the hospital, he sees a beam of some sort burst into the air. The duel ends in Jonah's defeat, in which he loses touch with reality and decides to unleash the full extent of his powers in a single blow, aiming them at Versago. However, the alien reflects them at the now-receding barrier, sending a high amount of energy into the air - the previously mentioned beam. Jonah, exhausted, falls to the ground, and Versago is just about to assault him when his hand is torn off. Elvira has arrived at the scene, with a guardian spirit of her own; the powerful Dryad, Queen of the Elements. In a combined effort they shot an arrow through the barrier, severing Versago's arm and forcing him to retreat. Matthew Freeborn, after having returned, runs up to the lifeless Jonah... where he meets his doom. You see, the energy that Jonah released affects the surrounding nature similar to how nuclear fallout would, with an epicenter inside the barrier. Matthew is almost immediately brought to his knees, and before their eyes turn into a ferocious beast. Only by Diego Rodriguez' sacrifice can Elvira regain enough composure to let Dryad kill him. Lester, now home with his parents, sleeps soundly through an assault on their house. Ephraim Ford, their neighbor, has been turned as well, and attacked them. Andrea Morgan, his mother, managed to kill him through an awfully gruesome chopping with a bent frying pan. John Morgan, his father, go to Lester's room only to find out that is on the verge of turning as well... however, Lester is having a Duel in the Center of the Mind with a machine/human hybrid addressed only as µ. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Read Chapters 9-10. Finding things very confusing, perhaps a little too confused for my own liking. But everything is being set up in detail and it is gripping stuff. The characters are all very different and deep, and the action is getting really good, albiet a little slowly. Still enjoying it, will read the rest on my coming days off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Chapter 11 is a bit more on the action-y side, so I think you'll like that. I understand that my writing style takes some time to get used to - I'm still working on balancing the plot-lines so that I can conclude this arc in a reasonable amount of chapters, but we're probably looking at at least Chapter 15 before that happens - but in general, they follow a rather simple pattern. The first few paragraphs focus on Jonah (or, well, Elvira and the Spirit Duo right now) and then it switches to others (currently Lester's family, and we'll be returning to the Medical Center near the end of the arc) before wrapping everything up in some sort of cliffhanger. Chapter 13 will have a bit of an info-dump, but I think I made it work. It's still a work in progress, and this vacation is in its wrapping-up stage so there's lots of things going on, but I should be able to finish it shortly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted June 28, 2011 Report Share Posted June 28, 2011 I liked the latest chapter a reasonable amount, but not excessively much. There were a few points that kind of threw me off. I understand that you need to downplay Kyaran and the Tormentor a bit for the new settings to take effect, but it felt a little 'in-your-face' there. Lester's part made up for it. I didn't quite get why [s]ZONE[/s] [μ] didn't summon Speed Warrior before the Battle Phase. Also I didn't catch the thing with [μ] changing his mind about the Trap card, if there was some hidden meaning to it that we were supposed to understand without further exposition. I'm guessing the suffocating is because his father's implied actions after the end of the chapter? I think those two should have been in chronological order, but oh well, it works. Also, the 'sparkling' part made me think of Twilight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 Well, they can't all be excellent now, can they? The in-your-face-attitude was intended; Dryad is the superior one, she knows it and isn't afraid to show it. µ (which is just a pseudonym, I don't intend to have one of my characters referred to only as That ZONE Expy Formally Known As µ) will be (or, as of now, has been) expanded upon in the future. While not necessarily central to the plot, he'll be a key figure among the supporting cast. Many questions have risen; hopefully, some of them will be answered in Chapter 13: Desperate Measures, which is now available from the first post. The next item on the agenda is Chapter Two of IotW, tentatively titled The Long Ride. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 You know there are more than a few monsters that fit the descriptions you provided, but I think Nephthys is a reasonable guess for the bird-like creature. Incidentally, there's some serious italics overflow in that chapter. Might want to fix it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 Fixed the formatting problem. The "kinds" of Primordials listed off are too unspecific to determine, and I didn't have any specific monsters in mind when I described them. I count three that should be well-described enough; Dryad's "neighbors" in the circle and her Elysium. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted July 6, 2011 Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 So I just finished reading your summary; and wow, while I feel like I know the story, there's certainly some elements (Jonah's power, moreso than anything else) that I'm not following you on because I don't know if I ever actually finished the original Season. At least I'm caught up, and once I read Chapter 13 I'll give a bit longer of a review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted July 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 Jonah's rise in power - compared to the original - was more or less caused by his temporary ascendancy at the Wickspire, where he was temporarily granted the powers of the three Gods to combat Eric. Since then, he's been training with Kyaran occasionally, as hinted at in an early chapter (can't recall which one) which has lead to some greater understanding of his power. I hope that helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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