Jolta Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 You see, I noticed that Pokemon Rangers lacked attention and thus deserved their own fanfic. I'm trying to improve. Feel free to criticise. Capture On! Also, this occurs in a new Region off the coast of Unova - it takes place in Gammia. And please note that the Ranger uniforms are the same design as those from the first and second games. [spoiler=Prologue] I was in the Team Rocket Headquarters of Kanto, all by myself. I was a fool to have tried to stop them without any Pokemon with me. I was sneakier than sneakier could be, but I’m just a kid. I couldn’t believe in myself, even if I tried hard enough. I fought off every grunt who crossed my path with brute force before they could send out their Pokemon. They all fainted. There I was, right in front of the door of the controls room. I opened the door with a big R on it. I was in the controls room. “Now, its time to shut this down…” I muttered. “Oh-hoh-hoh! Listen up! When the leader’s not here, Eevee takes charge!” I then saw a rolling chair, in front of a desk. The chair turned to me and I saw an Eevee. “Talking Eevee? I’m hardly surprised…” “You will be now…” the Eevee pressed a button on the desk. Suddenly, the building and the Earth beneath me started rumbling. The HQ was gonna self-destruct! Now, here’s what really surprised me - the Eevee swayed his ears left and right, then pointed at a glass window. In a flash of light, the Eevee was incinerating the window with Blue Flames. The Eevee then grabbed me by the collar and he jumped out of the broken window. “You saved me… Tha-“ my speech was interrupted by a loud ringing sound. It was my alarm clock! Turns out that was just a dream. A real-life incident that happened 10 years ago. I can’t get it off my mind. I got off my bed and was greeted by my buddy, Jolta the Jolteon. “Good morning Angelo,” Jolta said. Indeed, he was the very Eevee back then. I stared at Jolta for a while, seeing that he has changed from an evil outlaw to a kind soul. “Good morning Jolta,” I said, still half-asleep, combing my medium-length, Purple hair, as we both ate breakfast. “Oh yes,” Jolta said, “here’s a parcel from the Ranger Union. Its either a new Pokemon, or something else.” Jolta used his forepaws to grab a box, then passed it to me. I opened it up gently. “What’s this? A new uniform? I got the job! Hey Jolta, I got the job! I finally got the job! Now, lemme read the letter sent by them… [i]Dear Angelo Rainer, I am proud to make you a Pokemon Ranger. You have proven yourself worthy of becoming one. Your job, as you should know, is to protect Pokemon and people alike from evil. You should know every single basic for a Ranger, but there’s more to learn. Learn on the job and help people. There’s a form for you to fill. Meet me tomorrow at the Harbour with the form in your uniform. Good luck. -Yours sincerely, Marilyn[/i] “Marilyn’s probably the leader of one of Ranger Bases,” I guessed,” Now, the form… lets see… yeah, I know… Pokemon Partner? Mind, Jolta?” “I also get the job! Cool! YES YES YES!!! Oh yeah, how didja get the job anyways? “Extracurricular activities. They had those in Trainer School.”[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 1 - First Day on the job. [b](INCOMPLETE!)[/b]] The next day was the big day. I could not be a single second late. I put on my Pokemon Ranger uniform, including the optional Pokemon Ranger cap which came with the uniform. When I was ready, Jolta wasn’t. “Jolta? What’s taking you so long!?” I questioned as I continuously knocked on Jolta’s door to his room. He opened the door and I was surprised to see him in his formal suit and Fedora Hat. “Err… Jolta…” I looked at him with my dark-purple eyes, “this isn’t a party. It’s a job interview…” “I know,” Jolta replied, “and it’s not a job interview. You’re not being interviewed. You’re just… getting the job! OK I’m ready. Let’s eat breakfast and go.” So, on we went, after breakfast, out of the house. It seemed like another fine and ordinary day in the Gammia region, a land where Pokemon and humans live in harmony. I simply love this small land, only seven towns and cities, waiting for us to be visit them. “This is it, the Harbour…” Jolta said when we reached there, “Our destination, but where’s-“ “Anyone looking for me?” a seductive sounding voice said. I turned behind and saw a green-haired lady wearing the regular female Ranger uniform. “The name’s Marilyn. I’m the leader of the Ranger Base in Red District. We’ll chat as we go… follow me.” That’s what I did. “Red District? Sounds very wrong,” Jolta said, looking a little disturbed. “What’s in this place, anyways?” “No, no, talking Jolteon,” Marilyn said, “it’s not what you think. Anyways Rainer, I managed to find out your deepest darkest secrets and thus I conclude you’re good, pure good. That was also how I found out how your Jolteon could talk. My lips are sealed, do not fear.” “Wait a sec… how didja do that?” I stared at Marilyn hard, smelling a Rat. I felt like I was being watched for the past two weeks. “Hehe, my lips are sealed on that one too,” Marilyn said, her face red with embarrassment, “ So anyways, before we report to headquarters, I would like to refresh your memory on how to use the Capture Styler. It’s the most basic thing a Ranger must know. You see that Mudkip hanging around the pond? Watch and re-learn…” Marilyn approached a blue creature that resembled a mudfish. It was Mudkip. She took out a red device from her pocket and strapped it onto her wrist. “Capture ON!” She wailed as she released a top-like object from the watch-like tool. “This on my wrist,” she explained, “is the Capture Styler. Pretty different from back then. The top-like structure is a capture disc. Now watch…” She swayed her Capture Styler as the Capture Disc circled the Mudkip. Suddenly, the Mudkip fired mud from its mouth, right at the Capture Disc. “My power level’s going down due to that Mudkip’s attack. Every time a Pokemon attacks your Capture Disc, your Styler’s power level goes down. Now I’ll have to start over.” Marilyn just made the capture disc circle the Mudkip again. She then raised her Capture Styler, and her Capture Disc did the same. “Capture complete…” she said. “And that is how you do your job Rainer.” Marilyn told me, “OK Mudkip, you can go now…” I simply watch the Mudkip skip away freely. We continued walking until we reached Red District. It was a neighbourhood with houses lined up with each other. In the middle of the town lay a red building - the Ranger Base. “This is it,” Marilyn looked at me and winked, “here we are! The Ranger Ranger Base you’ll be at!” [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squidward Tentacles Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 [quote name='► Jolta ◄' timestamp='1291443472' post='4827652'] [spoiler=Prologue] I was in the Team Rocket Headquarters of Kanto, all by myself. I was a fool to have tried to stop them without any Pokemon with me. [b]That's more than a fool. You are a foolish foolhardy fool. What made you think you can stop a whole army of Pokemon?[/b] I was sneakier than sneakier could be, but I’m just a kid. [b]That doesn't even make sense. Sneakier than sneakier? Sneakier doesn't necessarily mean really sneaky. A giant dinosaur can be sneakier than a King Kong, but that doesn't mean the dinosaur is good at sneaking. He's just better than another being. So what does this mean? Sneakier could be anything.[/b] I couldn’t believe in myself, even if I tried hard enough. [b]If you don't believe in yourself, why did you go in alone in the first place? I'd like to also mention that I am extremely annoyed by the amount of sentences that begin with an "I". So far, 4/4 sentences have started with an I. [/b] I fought off every grunt who crossed my path with brute force before they could send out their Pokemon. [b]5/5 I refuse to believe that a kid can knock [u]every[/u] grunts, who are probably adults. What does this mean for this unnamed character? He/she must be an adult with a mental condition that makes him/her think he/she is a kid. And someone should have noticed by now that there are grunts lying on the floor. Aren't there security cameras?[/b] They all fainted. [b]5/6 This guy must be a professional boxer or something. [/b] There I was, right in front of the door of the controls room. I opened the door with a big R on it. [b]6/8 These sentences are very dull. I read this fanfic. I decided to review it. There I was, telling Jolta how boring his/her sentences were. <--- That's a beautiful paragraph right there. I know you've written quite a few fanfics. Hasn't anyone taught you to show, don't tell?[/b] I was in the controls room. [b]7/8 No way. I thought you were in the bouncy room of doom.[/b] “Now, its time to shut this down…” I muttered. [b]7/9 He/she is talking to himself/herself. This proves even more he has a mental condition.[/b] “Oh-hoh-hoh! Listen up! When the leader’s not here, Eevee takes charge!” [b]7/10 Oh-hoh-hoh? The last time I heard that was from Santa Clause. This dialogue is very unrealistic. Not only because there's a random apostrophe there but also because no one shouts weird intros like that.[/b] I then saw a rolling chair, in front of a desk. [b]8/11 What? You didn't see that chair before when you came in? You need glasses.[/b] The chair turned to me and I saw an Eevee. “Talking Eevee? I’m hardly surprised…” [b]8/13 How are you not surprised? In the world of Pokemon, the only Pokemon that can talk are a few legendaries and Team Rocket's Meowth. Hmm, maybe he has seen or have heard of this Eevee before? I don't know since Jolta is never going to tell us.[/b] “You will be now…” the Eevee pressed a button on the desk. [b]8/14 Surprisingly, the number of "I" sentences have gone down. It's still pretty bad though. I don't get why Eevee says "You will be now". I know he/she is referring to the unnamed character's(You'd think Jolta would tells by now) lack of surprise to talking Eevee, but why would he/she be surprised of a talking Eevee after said Eevee presses a self-destruct button?[/b] Suddenly, the building and the Earth beneath me started rumbling. The HQ was gonna self-destruct! [b]8/16 I don't get why you said earth instead of ground and why you capitalized earth. Earth is only capitalized when it's in the beginning of the sentence, or you're talking about planet Earth.[/b] Now, here’s what really surprised me - the Eevee swayed his ears left and right, then pointed at a glass window. [b]8/17. You weren't really surprised of a talking Eevee? You weren't really surprised when the Eevee destroyed the HQ? But you were really surprised when a Pokemon uses a move?[/b] In a flash of light, the Eevee was incinerating the window with Blue Flames. [b]8/18. Unnecessary capitalization is unnecessary. [/b] The Eevee then grabbed me by the collar and he jumped out of the broken window. [b]8/19. How'd you know it was boy? I'm pretty sure Eevees don't have opposable thumbs. And even if they did, they wouldn't have the strength to carry someone who can knock out an entire force of grunts and jump out of a window.[/b] “You saved me… Tha-“ my speech was interrupted by a loud ringing sound. It was my alarm clock! Turns out that was just a dream. [b]8/21. You know what you just did there? It's called being anti-climatic. It makes readers mad and disappointed. [/b] A real-life incident that happened 10 years ago. [b]8/22. Fragments don't work like that. So this kid really isn't a kid. He must be at least over twenty right now. A ten year old cannot knock out a bunch of guards.[/b] I can’t get it off my mind. I got off my bed and was greeted by my buddy, Jolta the Jolteon. [b]10/24. Oh dear. Back to these dull and boring sentences that start with an "I".[/b] “Good morning Angelo,” Jolta said. Indeed, he was the very Eevee back then. [b]10/26. To be honest, before I read the sentence next to it, I didn't know it was the Eevee back then. Indeed, that "indeed" was awkward and should be taken off.[/b] I stared at Jolta for a while, seeing that he has changed from an evil outlaw to a kind soul. [b]12/28. How did that happen? The Eevee just suddenly decides to be good, presses the self-destruct button, and save Angelo? what?[/b] “Good morning Jolta,” I said, still half-asleep, combing my medium-length, Purple hair, as we both ate breakfast. [b]12/29. Purple hair? Okay...So Angelo gets off his bed, combs his hair, and eats breakfast at the same time. Makes total sense. I'm not even going to ask how he immediately got breakfast out of now where..[/b] “Oh yes,” Jolta said, “here’s a parcel from the Ranger Union. Its either a new Pokemon, or something else.” Jolta used his forepaws to grab a box, then passed it to me. I opened it up gently. [b]13/32. Jolta doesn't have opposable thumbs either. I bet Angelo is combing his hair, eating breakfast, and opening the box at the same time.[/b] “What’s this? A new uniform? I got the job! Hey Jolta, I got the job! I finally got the job! Now, lemme read the letter sent by them… [b]15/38. I don't like that "lemme" even if it is just slang. Angelo saying "lemme" sounds like he's a kid. Oh yeah, that mental condition...[/b] [i]Dear Angelo Rainer, I am proud to make you a Pokemon Ranger. You have proven yourself worthy of becoming one. Your job, as you should know, is to protect Pokemon and people alike from evil. You should know every single basic for a Ranger, but there’s more to learn. Learn on the job and help people. There’s a form for you to fill. Meet me tomorrow at the Harbour with the form in your uniform. Good luck. -Yours sincerely, Marilyn[/i] [b]Why does the form need to be in the uniform? Anyways, I'll stop counting "I" sentences. Even though you lessened it later in the story, the beginning is in need for cleaning those sentences.[/b] “Marilyn’s probably the leader of one of Ranger Bases,” I guessed,” Now, the form… lets see… yeah, I know… Pokemon Partner? Mind, Jolta?” “I also get the job! Cool! YES YES YES!!! Oh yeah, how didja get the job anyways? “Extracurricular activities. They had those in Trainer School.” [b]... Huh? It's over? Oh sorry, I was just taking a nap. [/b] [/spoiler] [/quote] Like I said, you need to add more color to your sentences. Adverbs, adjectives, and literary devices are a must. The good thing? It actually had ok grammar, but that isn't much since grammar isn't much if your story is sounds like a third grader wrote it. 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Jolta Posted December 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 Thanks for cnc! I never knew "Turning out to be a dream" really... well... pisses people off. Especially this dream. :/ Can't believe I forgot to say that he grabbed Angelo by the teeth like how Eevees should. That is, if Eevees were strong enough. Also, in case many were wondering, "Swaying his ears left and right" was metrenome, a move Eevee can't learn naturally. I think... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted December 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2010 OK, part of Chapter 1's done. I'll fix it and update it once my computer gets re-configurated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiksilver Posted December 6, 2010 Report Share Posted December 6, 2010 [spoiler=Review]Alright. As you might have discovered (looks to the left ever so slightly), I am a big fan of Pokemon Rangers, so my first reaction to this fanfic was undeniably jubilous. But then, I looked into the actual story matter...and suddenly, I was not so happy. The characters are terribly generic and the flashback part of the prologue makes absolutely no sense. I did not understand it at all. The main character (I cannot remember his name, on account of it being uttered, what, twice?) apparently snuck into a Team Rocket where he took down all comers with his bare fists, even though by all accounts he was a kid and Team Rocket grunts are grown men and women. Then, he confronted the main enemy, who was revealed to be a...Eevee? Even by Pokemon standards, that is a little shocking. And the man says, "An Eevee? I shouldn't be surprised."...What? WHY???? WHY ARE YOU NOT SURPRISED??? THIS...MAKES...NO...SENSE! ...And then, the flashback is suddenly and jarringly cut off, with the last thing saying Eevee was apparently a bad guy who decided to do a good thing, and then the Eevee is living with this guy, having become a good person, with barely anything to link these two events together??? And then...he is suddenly talking about becoming a Pokemon Ranger? What? How are these events linked? At this point, I pretty much gave up. A glimpse of the terribadly generic "The Harbor" as a location place was enough to drive me off from reading Chapter 1. Jolta, if I were you, try to flesh out the story more, use more descriptors and better syntax, and just try to make the story doesn't seem like it's jumping from place to place. Otherwise, this story will not be that good. You have potential, Jolta, and that is why I am being so harsh on you. I don't want to see this story fall into the trash heap.[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted December 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Well, my computer's back. Just need to fix the flaws in Chapter 1 and its ready for review! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockin' Rollin' Duelist Posted December 10, 2010 Report Share Posted December 10, 2010 Looks good, but I agree with N up there. Though I do believe the beginning was a dream, not a flash back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiksilver Posted December 11, 2010 Report Share Posted December 11, 2010 [quote name='TheDeadMichael' timestamp='1291981942' post='4841356'] Looks good, but I agree with N up there. [b]Though I do believe the beginning was a dream, not a flash back.[/b] [/quote] It was, but it was a memory that Angelo-what's-his-face relived in his dreams. Here, take another look. [quote name='► Jolta ◄' timestamp='1291443472' post='4827652'] [b]A real-life incident that happened 10 years ago.[/b] I can’t get it off my mind. I got off my bed and was greeted by my buddy, Jolta the Jolteon.“Good morning Angelo,” Jolta said. [b]Indeed, he was the very Eevee back then.[/b] [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneycombTroy Posted December 11, 2010 Report Share Posted December 11, 2010 Really great. Can't wait for chapter 1 to finish and chapter 2 to come up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiksilver Posted December 12, 2010 Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 Actually, Jolta, there is a part of my rather scathing review I would like to take back; I am writing my own story in first-person and am also finding it hard to say the main character's name a lot of times, too. So, anyways, can't wait to [s]attack[/s] review the completed Chapter 1. You see that, Jolta? I have hope in your story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted December 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 In actual fact, most of my Fanfics are first person. That's muh style. Hmmm... time to capture on! Starting with Chapter 2... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NobleShadow Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Pretty good, just needs some twists. BTW i also prefer first-person stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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