A stereotypical Pokémon story called "Pokémon Quest!" [PG - PG-13]

[Makο]

Hey. Its me, Mako109. I have written crap. Anyway, this is the 1st story I have ever released to the public. Its probably not that good, but I decided to post it 4 teh lulz. Here it is. I'll update whenever the hell I feel like it.


[spoiler= Chapter 1 - "What a retard, that Axel is."]It was a BEAUTIFUL day in the illustrious Rustboro City! The sun was shining, and all the inhabitants were out having fun with their Pokémon!

Eh? What’s this, you say? What are Pokémon? Ah, you naïve little fool, you have much to learn.

THIS IS THE WORLD OF POKÉMON! A place where there are thousands of mysterious creatures known as Pokémon, as you might have guessed. In this world, humans capture these innocent creatures and force them to battle for stuff like money! Isn’t that a great idea for children to get involved in? So they did! Now, people of all ages are dyeing to get their hands on said Pokémon. I am the Narrator. I, though never seen, seem to help the plot move along. I also break uncomfortable silences. [s]And I can be an ass in your face, and get away with it too.[/s] Now lets go meet our protagonist.

“AXEL, WHERE ARE YOU?!?” Mrs. Prime screamed. Axel rushed to throw his Items into his bag, and trip down the stairs.
“I’m right here mom, no need to yell.” He said, rubbing his bruised face.
“Axel, if I wasn’t getting paid to watch your sorry ass, I would send you to military school.”
“Mom, this is a children’s show! Please don’t swear.”
“I DON’T GIVE A F***! NOW GO TO SCHOOL!”


This is Axel. He is an 11-Year-Old wuss who wants to become the greatest PKMN Trainer ever. Typical. Today is the day he takes his entrance exam for The Trainers School. That is the place where young children learn about animal abuse…and how cool it is! Lets go take a look…owait. You don’t care. Pfft. Whatever. Back to the plot.


Axel bust through the door, only to be followed by Mrs. Prime holding a rolling pin.
“They don’t pay me enough to watch that kid…” She grumbled. Axel charged past a few kids battling with Pokémon. They were having random small talk.
“You know, I hate how the writer is writing this story. The dialogue is boring, and the descriptions of what’s going on are just plain lazy!” He proceeded to be electrocuted by a nearby Voltorb.

“I know I can make it! I can’t be late for this test! My career in [s]animal fights![/s] training depends on it!” Axel panted while screeching down the streets, knocking over several bystanders in the process.
“Hey! Watch where you’re going!”
“Ow, that hurts!”
“MY FLOWERS! YOU KILLED MY FLOWERS!”
“OH NO! YOU SMASHED MY ~Fabulous~ TEA SET!”
“I think that man is gay!”
“Damn obscure references.”


Axel approached the Pokémon Trainers School. There was already a huge line piling out the door. Axel stopped dead.
“How in the heck am I supposed to get by this line?! I am already late enough as it is!” He gasped while looking around. There was a couple battling, six separate conversations, and 1 brutal murder in progress. Just another day in a s*** story like this.
“Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt! Smoke that Ekans!” Yelled the trainer in the red hat.
“NOoO! Not my Ekans!” Cried the other guy with the blue hair! A giant flash ensued, consuming all around it! When the smoke cleared, the Ekans was no more.
[i]Wow…that is some mighty fine battling. But I still need to find a way to get in![/i]
Axel looked around once more. Oh ho! Is that a vent, damaged by the battle?
“Wait, what? Damaged? OCRAPRUN!” Yelled the guy with the red hat as he took off down the street.
“Weird…” mumbled Axel as he began to climb in the vent.



“Man, it’s so dark in here!” Whined Axel.
“Wait, what? I wasn’t whining!” Complained Axel.
“Goddamn, STOP DOING THAT!” B****ed Axel.
“Oh, screw it.”
Axel came across an opening in the vent, which opened up to what seemed to be a study hall.
“Ya know, I once saw a Snoralax so fat, it jumped in the air and got stuck!”
“BOOO!”
“What the f***?”
“You have got too be kidding me.”
“YOU SUCK!”
“But that joke is technically impossible!”
“Did he spell Snoralax wrong?”
“STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!”
Axel decided to shuffle along. He found another opening, which led to a room with a kid on a computer. The kid got up and left. Axel lowered himself from the vent and went to the computer.
“Hmm. Microsoft Word is open! I wonder what it says… ‘The next day, Axel came acros-‘ OMG SPOILERS!” Axel yelled, jumping back into the vent. He crawled away from that room as fast as he could. After about 2 minutes of blisters, he came across yet another opening. He peered in the room.
“Welcome, Class A-1, to Mahora Academy!” Said a small kid holding stick. The sentence he spoke was followed by enormous applause from the room. Which was filled with girls!
“WTF HAX PARADOX.” Axel yelled as he scrambled away from the vent. He could here the girls murmuring. After fleeing for anther 2 minutes, he stopped, panting.
“Narrater…are…*gasp*…are you just screwing with me?” Axel questioned towards me… um…maybe. I’ll direct you towards the proper room now.
“Finally, you big dick.”
…
Funny, that’s your momma’s nickname for me.
“WHAT THE FU-“



Axel came across the last mentioned opening in the vent system. This one led to a closet. It contained the typical supplies that you might find in a closet, stuff like cleaners, brooms, and a large cardboard box.(?)
“Well, I don’t have anywhere else to go.” Axel figured. He began to push on the vents gate. But it wasn’t budging. He pushed harder, but its still wouldn’t move. He tried once more, with all of his power, producing an incredible 1 pound(s) of force. After 2 minutes of consecutive pushing, it suddenly snapped, dropping him in the room. On top of the cardboard box.
“OUCH!” Yelled the…card…board box?
“Wait, what? Is there someone in that box?”
“Um…no.”
“Oh ok.” Axel said as he left the closet……Axel, you idiot.
Once Axel left the room, he found himself…well, he didn’t know where he was. It seemed like a Gym of some sorts. He began to walk towards the center.
“AXEL!” A voice screamed.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!” Axel squealed out of terror.
“You are late for your entrance exam.” The voice reminded him.
“Huh…what? Oh…it’s the teacher.” He found out.
“No crap. Now, get ready for your exam.”
“Um…ok. What type of exam will it be? Multiple Choice? True or false?”
“None. It will be a battle!”
“Waitwut-“ [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpm3AAg8Ktc&feature=player_embedded"]BATTLE![/url]



Axel – Party – Torchic, Lv 5.

Teacher – Party – Salamance, Lv 65.

“HOLD EVERYTHING! How is this fair? I just got my Torchic a few days ago!”
“Well, that’s what you get for being late.” The teacher smugly said.
“DAMN IT! Uh…Torchic, use Scratch!”

Torchic – 20 HP

Salamance – 363 – 4 = 359 HP

“SALAMANCE! USE [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxAGoc4TuGQ&feature=player_embedded"]DRAGON BALL![/url]”

Critical Hit! Its Super Effective! This battle is retarded!

Torchic – 20 – 20 = 0 HP.


Teacher won the battle! Teacher gained 3 money!

“Sorry, Axel, but you are NOT ACCEPTED!” The Teacher said as he hit Axel over the head with a brick.

“Oh come on! You know this wasn’t fa-“

Axel whited out![/spoiler]

[Catterjune]

Humour is difficult.

... I think the easiest way to derive humour would be to put a "normal" person in an absurd situation.

If you can't do that, a passable idea would be to take ridiculous people and put them into a normal-ish situation, like changing a lightbulb or waiting in line at the bank. The key with absurd people is for them to have a pattern as to what they're doing. Person A is peculiar because he was bitten by a zombie 2 chapters ago and is slowly succumbing to the effects of it. Person B is strange because he thinks he's pregnant. Person C is strange because she frequently resorts to random bouts of over the top violence and may or may not be a ninja. Something like that.

If they're just a bunch of idiots spewing random nonsense with no rhyme or reason and no one treats anything they're doing as strange strange or anything, then it just comes off as annoying and off-putting.

But that's just my opinion.

[Makο]

Thank you


That is far better than anything I expected.

I set the bar low. Just in case. I will attempt to use what you said. For me, I make things funny by using facial expressions and body motions. That makes written comedy hard.

Thanks again.

[evilfusion]

[quote name='Mako109' timestamp='1291317365' post='4824385']
Hey. Its me, Mako109. I have written crap. Anyway, this is the 1st story I have ever released to the public. Its probably not that good, but I decided to post it 4 teh lulz. Here it is. I'll update whenever the hell I feel like it.


[spoiler= Chapter 1 - "What a retard, that Axel is."]It was a BEAUTIFUL day in the illustrious Rustboro City! The sun was shining, and all the inhabitants were out having fun with their Pokémon!

[b]Excessive emphasis indicated by exclamation marks. Unneeded and does not have comedic purposes.[/b]

Eh? What’s this, you say? What are Pokémon? Ah, you naïve little fool, you have much to learn.

THIS IS THE WORLD OF POKÉMON! A place where there are thousands of mysterious creatures known as Pokémon, as you might have guessed. In this world, humans capture these innocent creatures and force them to battle for stuff like money! Isn’t that a great idea for children to get involved in? So they did! Now, people of all ages are dyeing to get their hands on said Pokémon. I am the Narrator. I, though never seen, seem to help the plot move along. I also break uncomfortable silences. [s]And I can be an ass in your face, and get away with it too.[/s] Now lets go meet our protagonist.

[b]The narrator's snarky remarks would be better if EVERY Pokemon story with a touch of real-world logic ingrained didn't already point out how absurd the concept of Pokemon battling at a young age was.[/b]

“AXEL, WHERE ARE YOU?!?” Mrs. Prime screamed. Axel rushed to throw his Items into his bag, and trip down the stairs.
“I’m right here mom, no need to yell.” He said, rubbing his bruised face.
“Axel, if I wasn’t getting paid to watch your sorry ass, I would send you to military school.”
“Mom, this is a children’s show! Please don’t swear.”
“I DON’T GIVE A F***! NOW GO TO SCHOOL!”

[b]How delightfully amusing. A boy falls down the stairs, his mom hates him but evidently gets social services money, and there's some fourth wall breaking. I'm just keeling over with laughter. I'm also extremely sarcastic. I'm worried you might actually think I'm serious.[/b]


This is Axel. He is an 11-Year-Old wuss who wants to become the greatest PKMN Trainer ever. Typical. Today is the day he takes his entrance exam for The Trainers School. That is the place where young children learn about animal abuse…and how cool it is! Lets go take a look…owait. You don’t care. Pfft. Whatever. Back to the plot.

[b]I think the animal abuse joke was implied in an earlier chapter. It's not more funny the second time, nor is the narrator stating the obvious.[/b]

Axel bust through the door, only to be followed by Mrs. Prime holding a rolling pin.
“They don’t pay me enough to watch that kid…” She grumbled. Axel charged past a few kids battling with Pokémon. They were having random small talk.
“You know, I hate how the writer is writing this story. The dialogue is boring, and the descriptions of what’s going on are just plain lazy!” He proceeded to be electrocuted by a nearby Voltorb.

[b]I realize Yu-gi-oh the Abridged Series got a lot of mileage out of breaking the fourth wall, but that doesn't mean everything else will. Case in point: This paragraph. Slapstick is also more amusing when you can SEE it.[/b]

“I know I can make it! I can’t be late for this test! My career in [s]animal fights![/s] training depends on it!” Axel panted while screeching down the streets, knocking over several bystanders in the process.
“Hey! Watch where you’re going!”
“Ow, that hurts!”
“MY FLOWERS! YOU KILLED MY FLOWERS!”
“OH NO! YOU SMASHED MY ~Fabulous~ TEA SET!”
“I think that man is gay!”
“Damn obscure references.”

[b]I'm starting to wonder if you know what humor IS. I'll admit I'm no comedian, but so far the "humor" is all rehashed pseudo-slapstick and pointing out how Pokemon is essentially cockfighting. You know...the thing EVERYONE who parodies or snarks at Pokemon notices.[/b]


Axel approached the Pokémon Trainers School. There was already a huge line piling out the door. Axel stopped dead.
“How in the heck am I supposed to get by this line?! I am already late enough as it is!” He gasped while looking around. There was a couple battling, six separate conversations, and 1 brutal murder in progress. Just another day in a s*** story like this.

[b]*cue canned laughter* Oh ho ho, the author knows his own story sucks, so he tries to be funny by revealing he knows it sucks, thus depriving any wonder from the audience whether he was serious when writing this.[/b]

“Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt! Smoke that Ekans!” Yelled the trainer in the red hat.
“NOoO! Not my Ekans!” Cried the other guy with the blue hair! A giant flash ensued, consuming all around it! When the smoke cleared, the Ekans was no more.
[i]Wow…that is some mighty fine battling. But I still need to find a way to get in![/i]
Axel looked around once more. Oh ho! Is that a vent, damaged by the battle?
“Wait, what? Damaged? OCRAPRUN!” Yelled the guy with the red hat as he took off down the street.
“Weird…” mumbled Axel as he began to climb in the vent.

[b]Oookay...[/b]

“Man, it’s so dark in here!” Whined Axel.
“Wait, what? I wasn’t whining!” Complained Axel.
“Goddamn, STOP DOING THAT!” B****ed Axel.
“Oh, screw it.”
Axel came across an opening in the vent, which opened up to what seemed to be a study hall.
“Ya know, I once saw a Snoralax so fat, it jumped in the air and got stuck!”
“BOOO!”
“What the f***?”
“You have got too be kidding me.”
“YOU SUCK!”
“But that joke is technically impossible!”
“Did he spell Snoralax wrong?”
“STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!”

[b]Now if only the author listened...I can only assume the depressingly bad comedian moment was to make everything else look funny in comparison.[/b]

Axel decided to shuffle along. He found another opening, which led to a room with a kid on a computer. The kid got up and left. Axel lowered himself from the vent and went to the computer.
“Hmm. Microsoft Word is open! I wonder what it says… ‘The next day, Axel came acros-‘ OMG SPOILERS!” Axel yelled, jumping back into the vent. He crawled away from that room as fast as he could. After about 2 minutes of blisters, he came across yet another opening. He peered in the room.

[b]*unamused expression* Can I kill the author yet?[/b]

“Welcome, Class A-1, to Mahora Academy!” Said a small kid holding stick. The sentence he spoke was followed by enormous applause from the room. Which was filled with girls!
“WTF HAX PARADOX.” Axel yelled as he scrambled away from the vent. He could here the girls murmuring. After fleeing for anther 2 minutes, he stopped, panting.

[b]I didn't follow that. I should be grateful.[/b]

“Narrater…are…*gasp*…are you just screwing with me?” Axel questioned towards me… um…maybe. I’ll direct you towards the proper room now.
“Finally, you big dick.”
…
Funny, that’s your momma’s nickname for me.
“WHAT THE FU-“

[b]That was the best joke in the whole story. I still didn't laugh.[/b]



Axel came across the last mentioned opening in the vent system. This one led to a closet. It contained the typical supplies that you might find in a closet, stuff like cleaners, brooms, and a large cardboard box.(?)
“Well, I don’t have anywhere else to go.” Axel figured. He began to push on the vents gate. But it wasn’t budging. He pushed harder, but its still wouldn’t move. He tried once more, with all of his power, producing an incredible 1 pound(s) of force.

[b]This is either a joke that Axel's a weakling or you have no idea what 1 pound of force is.[/b]

After 2 minutes of consecutive pushing, it suddenly snapped, dropping him in the room. On top of the cardboard box.

[b]You also dont know what consecutive means.[/b]

“OUCH!” Yelled the…card…board box?
“Wait, what? Is there someone in that box?”
“Um…no.”
“Oh ok.” Axel said as he left the closet……Axel, you idiot.

[b]*cue canned laughter* No comment.[/b]

Once Axel left the room, he found himself…well, he didn’t know where he was. It seemed like a Gym of some sorts. He began to walk towards the center.
“AXEL!” A voice screamed.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!” Axel squealed out of terror.
“You are late for your entrance exam.” The voice reminded him.
“Huh…what? Oh…it’s the teacher.” He found out.

[b]For an entrance exam, it's oddly impressive the teacher knew who he was.[/b]

“No crap. Now, get ready for your exam.”
“Um…ok. What type of exam will it be? Multiple Choice? True or false?”
“None. It will be a battle!”
“Waitwut-“ [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpm3AAg8Ktc&feature=player_embedded"]BATTLE![/url]



Axel – Party – Torchic, Lv 5.

Teacher – Party – Salamance, Lv 65.

“HOLD EVERYTHING! How is this fair? I just got my Torchic a few days ago!”
“Well, that’s what you get for being late.” The teacher smugly said.

[b]Oh ho ho ho...obscenely outmatched main character because teacher is evil.[/b]

“DAMN IT! Uh…Torchic, use Scratch!”

Torchic – 20 HP

Salamance – 363 – 4 = 359 HP

“SALAMANCE! USE [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxAGoc4TuGQ&feature=player_embedded"]DRAGON BALL![/url]”

Critical Hit! Its Super Effective! This battle is retarded!

Torchic – 20 – 20 = 0 HP.


Teacher won the battle! Teacher gained 3 money!

“Sorry, Axel, but you are NOT ACCEPTED!” The Teacher said as he hit Axel over the head with a brick.

[b]A brick? *cue canned laughter* Oh you silly author, what wacky things will you think of next?[/b]

“Oh come on! You know this wasn’t fa-“

Axel whited out![/spoiler]
[/quote]

Um...yeah. Comments throughout story.

[Makο]

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291319452' post='4824446']
Um...yeah. Comments throughout story.
[/quote]


Oh, wow. [s] You're a douche.[/s] Thanks for the comment(s). I am well aware this story is stupid, probably not funny in the slightest, and overall retarded. I never have been good at on paper comedy. But whatever. Thanks.

[Catterjune]

Hmm, I don't understand what you mean by "I make things funny by using facial expressions and body motions", though I should assume the same would apply.

If you respond to tragedy by smiling and respond to comedic undertones with a serious face, that would be funny, I suppose. It's... one of the ironies, I forgot which one... where you get the opposite outcome of what you would expect.

On the other hand, if you just spew random garbage or make random faces, you end up looking autistic.

And even if you DO have to resort to random autistic shout outs like that (Stand around, bored look on your face. Suddenly yell out 'purple spaghetti nipples!" then walk away like it's nothing) the only way that works would be if beforehand you held a moment of "seriousness" and acting and behaving normal. If you walk into a room screaming about purple spaghetti nipples, you just look like an idiot.

---

[quote]For an entrance exam, it's oddly impressive the teacher knew who he was.[/quote]

It's a Pokemon fic. Everyone who lives in the same town knows everyone else's name. Not to mention it's not out of the range of possibility for them to have met beforehand. Not to mention it's all clearly a joke with frequent fourth wall breaking. You had a character able to see and make commentary of the actions the Narrator wrote and your confused as to how a teacher knew his name? The narrator probably told her. Or she knew because he was the obvious protagonist. Or any other D-level jokes that would pass for humour. I mean... honestly.

[Makο]

Anyway, even with all of this negativity, I still have thousands of ideas flowing through my head with the help of you. Not evil, though.


Cause he's a douc-*Shot multiple times by people who hate repetitive-ness*

[evilfusion]

Nah, I wouldn't go that far regarding myself. I'm just a critical person with a hatred of "random humor", that is, humor based on randomness with very little logic invoked. Sometimes it works, more often it doesn't, and most developing writers attempt random humor...for some reason.

Since I'm not fantastic in the humor department, the constructiveness of my criticism is lower than if you were writing a story that actually tried to be a story, not a series of allegedly humorous occurrences that fall flat due to the lack of joke setup and inherent wittiness.

[Makο]

Actually, random is how my head works. Its hard for me to keep my attention on one th- OOOOOoooOOO A BUTTERFLY!


Trying to make a point. So anyway, most of everything I do is random. Its just my personality.