Reality. [PG-16] Chapter 1 now up!

[.Starrk]

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[spoiler=Setting]
It's Japan, in the year 2011. The story follows a group of teenagers who run away from home. They all went to the same High School, and knew each other very well. The teenagers were misunderstood, most of them got beaten up at school, made fun of, or were getting into trouble. They began to hate their parents. So, they then meet up as planned, and band together to become their own family. They soon realize that they cannot survive with a limited amount of money, supplies, and shelter. The group begins to steal weapons, and the group begins killing people for money. At this point, many things begin to change.
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Prologue]

...

Ruei was in the principal's office yet again. He threw a smaller student in a trash can for calling his mother a whore. "Why do you injure students over something as little as an insult?" questioned the principal.

Ruei tried to convince the principal even more that it was a good reason to do so. Ruei had always been remarkably strong. However, he had a short temper.

"I'm giving you a 3 day out of school suspension. Never do this again. It makes other students feel unsafe here, and that I cannot allow."
Ruei decided to stop talking. He began to finally accept his punishment. He realized that it wasn't necessary to resist anymore, being that he was already suspended 5 times in the school year.


Ruei had left the office. Where his friend, Yumi was waiting for him.

"How'd it go?" Yumi asked.

Ruei had the same expression as last time.

"Oh......how many days?"

"The usual." Ruei responded.

"You need to stop getting in trouble."

Ruei didn't feel like putting up with this anymore.

"Look. Are you here just to get sardonic with me? Or do you want me to walk you home?" "Both." Yumi retorted and chuckled.


...

Walking home, they passed Mr. Yura's grocery shop. Ruei wanted to go in because he skipped lunch due the office visit.

"Will that be all for you to day Ruei?"

"Mhm. How much do I owe ya' today Mr. Yura?"

"1500 Yen please."

"Damn I didn't bring enough. Sorry."

"Take it. It's on me."

"You sure? I'll pay you back for this."

"Go ahead now. It's alright. I'll se ya' around okay Ruei!?

"Thanks Mr. Y."

Ruei left the store with 5 dry packets of Udon.

"Why do you have that?" Yumi asked.

"I feed most of it to my dog. He eats the s*** up day and night."

Yumi arrived at her house. As always, Ruei waited until Yumi got in safely. Ruei passed several stores and an Electronic store with all the TVs at the front. He reached home, a large apartment. He fell on the couch wanting to sleep.

''Where the hell have you been?'' Ruei father asked.

"I was walking home with Y-"

"That stupid girl. Stay away from her. She gets you into trouble and you hang out with her all the time. Your grades dropped ever since you met her."

"Maybe I don't want to."

"Do you want to flunk out of school?"

"N-"

At that moment, the phone rang. It was the principal, soon to tell Ruei's dad about his suspension.

"Yo, Kyoru residence." Ruei's father said to the phone"

"..."

"Uh huh.......oh really?"

"..."

"Alright. I'll straighten him out."

"..."

"Thank you. Goodbye."

"Who was that?"

"I think you know."

"Look dad I'm sorr-"

Ruei father punched him in the face. Ruei fell to the floor. Blood began to escape his nose.

"That's what you said the last time."

"What the hell?"

Ruei tackled his father to the ground.

"Enough of your bullshit! I'm tired of you abusing me and Akane, and coming home drunk! I hate you....you...you stupid f***ing
wanker!"

Ruei repeatedly punched his father over and over again. Blood began to cover Ruei's hands until he realized that his father was knocked clean out.


[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Chapter 1: Being alone.]

Ruei had washed off his father's blood from his hands after he had knocked him out.

He looked out the window, looking over the city. It was pretty dark now, with the sun settling quickly due to the Winter season.

"What is it Akane?" Rue looked back looking at his little sister.

"Is he gone?"

"No. I put him back on his bed."

"What are we gonna do now? When he wakes up, he's gonna kill you!"

"I know.....I'm gonna go for a walk."

"Mind if I join you?"

"Sure. Lets go now, before dad wakes up."

Ruei filled his backpack with a couple of things before they left. They headed out the door very silently without making a single noise. They hit the streets. After walking for about ten minutes, They encountered Yumi, who was picking up groceries for her family.

"Where are you guys off to?"

"Were just taking a walk."

"No you aren't. You never take your little sister. Plus, you have a backpack on."

"No we are, we just wanted to get out of the house that's all."

"Hmm. Do you want to talk about something?"

"Not at all. We are just about ready to turn around and go home."

"C'mon don't leave me out of this. Your up to something....could you please just te-"

"I got into a fight with my father and I knocked him out cold. There. Is that what you want to know?"

"Oh Ruei....I'm sorry. W-What are you going to do when you get back?"

"Were not going back. If I go back, he'll literally kill me once he wakes up. He's just a stupid drunk."

"You guys can stay at my place tonight if you want."

"No. He'll look for us there. Go back to your house. Just stay there and bundle up. I'll see you around alright?"

"You cant just sleep on the street!"

"We can if we have too. I don't really feel like dying. Later, Yumi."

Yumi couldn't speak. Ruei and Akane left her standing in the street speechless.

...

"This place looks good." Ruei said.

He had found a dry alleyway to sleep in. It was a good size. Not very narrow ad no doors around where people could find them.

"What do you have in your bag Ruei?"

"Things to keep us alive. Here. I have a sleeping bag, some udon that I bought earlier today, jackets, some money, and some extra clothes for you and me.

"Pretty smart. Thanks big brother."

"No need for thanks. I have to keep you alive right? You are my little sister after all."

"Let's get to bed okay?" Akane said.

"Right....Akane. You do know that we can never go back right?" say Ruei who rolls out the sleeping bag.

"Of course I do. If you hadn't done what you did, then both of us would be dead soon...... I love you Ruei."

"I love you too Ruei."

They silently fell asleep as the lights and the world around then consumed them. The dosed as the sound of car horns had ceased.
[/spoiler]

Moar?
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[---------------]

Please, end the torture. Kill me now. Owait...DAM!

Everytime someone else talks, you need to create a new paragraph. Otherwise, it gets cluttered up and confusing.

[.Starrk]

[quote name='Ātman' timestamp='1291259637' post='4823619']
Please, end the torture. Kill me now. Owait...DAM!

Everytime someone else talks, you need to create a new paragraph. Otherwise, it gets cluttered up and confusing.
[/quote]

Fix'd. Read more to get rid of the torture.

[HoneycombTroy]

Yes. [size="7"][/size]MORE

[Catterjune]

I'm not a good critic or writer or person or anything like that, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt.

[quote]Ruei was in the principal's office yet again. He threw a smaller student in a trash can for calling his mother a whore. "I see. So you threw a smaller student in a trash can because he called your mother a.......harlot,"[/quote]

That's rather overly redundant. I can see it's a mild attempt at humour or something, but considering you made him say, verbatim, what the 'narrator' just said except with a last second word swap, I don't think it works all that well. Perhaps state he's in the principal's office and how he's feeling and why he felt justified in whatever he did, then have the principal come in. He doesn't have to call her a whore. Hell, he can even go out of his way to say he won't say it. Leaves a bit of an air of mystery or w/e. *shrug*

[quote]"I find that hard to believe."
Ruei tried to convince the principal even more that it was the truth.[/quote]

If he finds it hard to believe, doesn't that bode well in Ruei's favour?

"I hear PikaPerson01 slaughtered all the communists in downtown Manhattan."

"I find that hard to believe."

... That means I'm off the hook. Unless you mean that 'because he called my mom a whore' thing was the unbelievable part, in which case not only is it remarkably easy to believe, but something like that wouldn't let him escape punishment. A better line would be something like "that's no excuse for etc etc." or whatever.



As for the characters themselves, they're unlikeable and stupid. One can't figure out how to pretend to go to school and disconnect the phone, the other one is a stupid tool who can't see the importance of family. They both make a huge, life changing distance to run away from home forever for completely stupid reasons. The first guy could be better off by calling the police or social services or w/e, and the second would be better off by just waiting for college to begin. Running away is just childish.

Also, the fact that it's just dialogue makes it annoying. Put some words in between there.


Ruei and Yumi began walking [b]away from the school, passing by the butcher, the baker, and candle stick maker or whatever small-ish description of the town you wanna give.[/b]

[b]The sound of footfalls upon the pavement was all that could be heard, as the two did not speak. Finally, the silence was broken by Ruei[/b] "I don't want to go home."

[b]A worried expression spread itself upon Yumi's face as he or she thought about how best to phrase the question.[/b] "Why is that? Does your dad hate you?"

[b]A callous smirk upon Ruei's lips as he replied.[/b] "Yeah. He does. It's because I'm such a dick all the time."



Something like that... And for heaven's sake, double space it or something.

[.Starrk]

Chapter 1 is up.