Squidward Tentacles Posted November 28, 2010 Report Share Posted November 28, 2010 [spoiler='Season 1'][spoiler='Episode 1']As dawn broke over Akari Fudo's house in New Domino city, Jake walked toward Akari. "Akari," Jake said. "There is something wrong... Something very wrong is going on in the abandoned Sattelite Sector..." "I know," Akari said, her red hair cascading over her shoulders. "I can feel it." Suddenly, Jake's arm started to burn. He lifted his arm and saw a glowing red mark in the shape of a two wings. Akari lifted her sleeve and saw a mark as well, this one looking like a claw. "What is this?!" She asked. "I'm not sure... but what I know is that my father had the same mark." "Really?" "Yes... he told about it when I was 10..." Akari brushed back her hair and said, "My mother once told me she had this mark as well. But when I was born, the mark left her." As she said that, Jake turned and left the room. I know what you are thinking, but Jake and Akari are just friends. In fact, their parents knew each other for a long time. Jake Atlas, son of Jack and Carly Atlas. And I think you can guess who are Akari's parents. As the clock struck seven, Jake walked into the living room. Akari's father, Yusei, walked out. "Hey, Jake." "What's up, Yusei?" "Nothing. Kind of bored. Nothing to do. Akari hasn't been dueling too much lately." "I know. I talked to her yesterday, and, well, she just didn't want to." "Hmm. Well in the mean time, let's duel!" Yusei said with a smile. "You're on!" They took out their duel disks and walked out onto the veranda. "You first, Yusei." Jake said as their life points went up to 4000. "Draw!" Yusei looked his cards over. "I'll summon Tune Warrior[/spoiler][/spoiler] [spoiler='Application']Name: Age: Deck List: (Post in PM) Faction: (Signer/Dark Signer/Signer Ally. Drone) Gender: Bio:[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted November 28, 2010 Report Share Posted November 28, 2010 Wow, you already have a seasoned planned? Let's check 'dis out! [quote name='Sonic Paladin' timestamp='1290905571' post='4814650'] [spoiler='Season 1'][spoiler='Episode 1']As dawn broke over Akari Fudo's house in New Domino city, Jake walked toward Akari. [color=blue]"GYAAAAAAH! MY BACK!" the dawn cried. I'm guessing Akari is either Yusei's sister or daughter, and Jake is Jack's decendant...[/color] "Akari," Jake said. "There is something wrong... Something very wrong is going on in the abandoned [color=red]Satellite[/color] Sector..." "I know," Akari said, her red hair cascading over her shoulders. "I can feel it." [color=blue]Does her hair do that often? Just CASCADE when she speaks?[/color] Suddenly, Jake's arm started to burn. He lifted his arm and saw a glowing red mark in the shape of a two wings. Akari lifted her sleeve and saw a mark as well, this one looking like a claw. [color=blue]WHAT?! They're SIGNERS?! How unexpected!![/color] "What is this?!" She asked. "I'm not sure... but what I know is that my father had the same mark." "Really?" "Yes... he told about it when I was 10..." Akari brushed back her hair and said, "My mother once told me she had this mark as well. But when I was born, the mark left her." As she said that, Jake turned and left the room. [color=blue]Apparently this conversation bored Jake, because it's so hard to tell who's talking.[/color] I know what you are thinking, but Jake and Akari are just friends. In fact, their parents knew each other for a long time. Jake Atlas, son of Jack and Carly Atlas. And I think you can guess who are Akari's parents. [color=blue]ASH AND MISTY?! No..? Well, it's lame if Akari and Jake are just friends, since you're already doing the faith shipping stuff.[/color] As the clock struck seven, Jake walked into the living room. Akari's father, Yusei, walked out. "Hey, Jake." "What's up, Yusei?" "Nothing. Kind of bored. Nothing to do. Akari hasn't been dueling too much lately." "I know. I talked to her yesterday, and, well, she just didn't want to." "Hmm. Well in the mean time, let's duel!" Yusei said with a smile. "You're on!" They took out their duel disks and walked out onto the veranda. "You first, Yusei." Jake said as their life points went up to 4000. "Draw!" Yusei looked his cards over. "I'll summon Tune Warrior [color=blue]Wow, I can't even tell who's speaking now. Can you? And DUELING SOLVES EVERYTHING. Especially since this scene[/color] [/spoiler][/spoiler] [/quote] Alright, not long enough for a chapter. More of a really short prologue. You have good grammar skills as far as spelling and punctuation, but your dialogue needs some work. [i]"I have Stardust Dragon." "Oh, that's a pretty broken card." "Really? You're stupid." "Hi, I'm Jim Bob."[/i] You can't tell who's talking like this. But if you put it like this... [i]"I have Stardust Dragon." a random duelist announced for no reason. "Oh, that's a pretty broken card." his friend said. "Really? You're stupid." "Hi, I'm Jim Bob." Jim Bob greeted the two.[/i] And your story ends right at the start of Yusei and Jake's duel... Something to fix? Overall, if you fix all this, you'll be good to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squidward Tentacles Posted November 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2010 okay, well like i said in the title: Not started. I'm still working on the first episode. I had to save it like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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