Yu-Gi-Oh! B13: Book #1 March to Paradise

[♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫]

[Spoiler=Black Mask]
“Run,” screamed the man about six feet tall give or take, getting in the way of his brown eyes his brown tousled hair began to render his vision; he could barely see his female companion, “Don’t look back.” Then it happened, a scream the man was no longer behind the woman she looked back with the child of about 4 in her arms small for his age, and with the same brown hair as the man and green eyes to match the woman’s. The man just disappeared but he had an impish look on his face. The woman could see freedom. She saw a man with outstretched arms in a safe house the lights gleaming; a couple more yards and it would be over. If she could just at least get her baby over, she thought. Hopefully she could get over as well. But just then a cold, cold grip caught the woman by her ankle and tripped her. The child landing in a bush and hidden safe, Please don’t see him, she thought feverishly. The man that the cold grip belonged to appeared out of the dark, and he then dragged the woman away; she clawed at the ground feverishly trying to survive. A few minutes later the man returned looking for the woman’s offspring. He looked back and forth; his eyes were blank and contained no emotion. He finally came to the bush were the boy had landed and began to dig through it. The man had searched for twenty minutes but he found nothing. The child had disappeared. A couple yards away a man was holding the small child in his arms looking at the hideous seen outside his window, in his arms the boy crying for its lost parents, he could not believe the government was so bent on finding this child.

************************************************************
He woke with a start a man in his late teens looked around his room. “Again,” he thought aloud running his hand through his brown tousled; his green eyes riddled with tears. He sighed.
“Avon, are you awake,” said a light and shrill female voice “If so Miss Laura has finished breakfast, better hurry if you’re hungry.”
“No I’m not,” Avon replied calmly, “Thanks for waking me up anyway Asu.” The truth was that he was starving but didn’t want to eat which was strange for him. He thought about the dream more and more recently. He looked at the picture of his mother and father presumed dead; [I] It’s been eleven years [/I] he thought. “Life sucks,” he said. Looking to the opposite side of the bed sat a duel disk the standard among today’s duelist. His deck still in the deck box, he hadn’t taken his deck out in a couple of weeks. He had begun the work of changing his sleeping shirt for a black vest over a red dressed shirt and his bottoms for brown khakis. He finished his changing routine with his socks followed by his Sperrys. He walked to the bathroom in his room and brushed away. He walked out the bathroom then his room then down the stairs and screamed as he approached the front door, “I’m going out for a walk”.
“Wait,” screamed the voice of the girl that just woke him up, “Can you grab your duel disk I need to go to the field and get some herbs.” She looked up at Avon who looked down at the small girl with red hair and flaring red eyes to match. She was about 4 years younger than Avon.
“Why couldn’t you just go to the drug store” Avon said replied annoyed.
“Because, one either way I’ll be heading into Sector D,” Avon knew he had set of the time bomb of her mouth, “Second the fields are free.” Asu looked as Avon as an older brother even though neither was from the family to care for them. Avon saw Asu as his little sister so he couldn’t say no to her.
“Fine I’ll take you,” he said, “But you go get my deck and disk.” She ran up the stairs with a large smile on her face. They soon left the house together and Avon looked around making sure no one was following. An hour or so later they had reached the field. Avon noticed a man in a large black trench coat was on the other side of the field. “Asu,” he said, “I think we really should hurry.” The man flashed a black version of Avon’s duel disk. [I] This can’t be good, [/I] he thought. Then Asu noticed the man and looked worried.
“What if he’s a hunter?” she asked worried.
“Then I’ll protect you,” he said confidently. But just if he couldn’t he looked around to make sure that it was a clear path home. The man came closer and closer; while he was walking towards them he kept glancing at a PDA.
“Are you Asu Kuran?” he asked with an empty tone in his voice.
“And if she is,” Avon interrupted.
“Then she will come with me,” the man said again, “The master wishes for her.” Avon knew why she was being targeted. “The Master” as this man called him, was looking to Asu for that reason.
“She won’t go anywhere with you,” he said with a strain in his voice. The man then pulled out his black duel disk. He didn’t say anything but Avon knew what was going to happen. He took his own disk off of its strap. He then strapped the disk onto his arm and proceeding to putting his deck into its deck slot. The man then turned on his duel disk. “Duel,” Avon managed. He was terrified, a hunter is said to be one of the members of the Elite Guard, “The Master’s” personal army of Duelists. His large trench coat covered most of his body but his face. A mask with a crude face of a demon was strapped to the man’s face.
“I’ll go first,” he drew and he knew that this guy would outclass. Avon’s lack of self confidence seems to show as he saw the worried expression on Asu’s face. [I] Dammit, [/I] he thought[I] I need to pull myself together. [/I] “I summon Cyber Hero - Lady Steam,” he said trying to calm his emotions. Lady Steam had a beautiful but terrifying stare with her intense blue eyes her pale skin was steaming up. “I’ll follow up by activating Lady Steam’s special ability,” Avon began, “I discard one of my Cyber Heroes and I gain two hundred life points for each of my monster’s level.” “I’ll discard Cyber Hero – Lord Abyss,” he said placing a brown card into the discard pile, “And get an eight hundred more Life Points.” Steam began to come out of Avon’s duel disk as his life point tracker gained eight hundred new points. “I place a card face down and end,” he finished, “Your move.”[/spoiler]

[♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫]

Bump

[♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫]

anyone wanna critic?

[Cthonian]

It's not bad... my only criticism is that when the person summons a monster put the attack and defense of the card right after in parenthesis... same with when a life point amount changes. But not bad, could you read mine as well.

[legendhiro]

leave an open line between each paragraph to differentiate them better. you also need more description, especially of the monsters you summon.