Carlos1234 Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 Chapter 1 "Get out! Get your things and leave," a male voice shouted. "You're scaring us, so leave us alone," a female voice added. Akiza quickly grabbed as many things as she could. "Get out of here you witch," he father yelled. Akiza slammed the door behind her and ran, as far as she could. She had to get away from that house, where her family yelled at her. They made her feel like an outsider. They called her names like "witch" and "monster." She couldn't take it and neither could they. Akiza had been at school and was wearing her school uniform. It was a red vest with a short blue mini-skirt. She had managed to quickly pack some food, blankets, clothes, and a pillow. She reached the park, but knew that she couldn't stay there. She walked around, trying to find shelter for the night. Meanwhile, on the other side of town. "What do you mean we have to leave," Leo shouted. "I'm sorry kids, but you can't pay the rent, so you can't live here," the landlord said. "Can we take anything," Luna asked. "Whatever you can carry or pack. The rest will be sold at auction." The twins quickly ran upstairs. "I'm going to take this trophy and this poster," Leo said. "Leo, be sure to pack as much of your clothes and important things as you can. We have to survive and a poster or trophy's almost useless," Luna said. Once they were done, they had mostly packed their clothes and necessary things. "What about all of this stuff," Leo asked, pointing to his room. "They'll have to stay behind," Luna said. The twins walked out of the building, with frowns on their faces. "Stupid parents, why couldn't they wire us any money," Leo shouted. "I guess they just care about themselves," Luna replied. "That might be why I can't remember the last time we saw them," Leo said. "Neither can I. I can't believe how bad some parents, including ours, treat their kids," Luna replied sadly. They walked around and they started to get tired. "Where are we gonna sleep Luna," Leo asked. Luna looks down an alley. "I guess we'll have to stay there." She points to a dumpster. "In that? You want us to sleep in garbage," Leo asked. "It's the only place with a cover over it, so we can't be seen," she replied, "Besides, we have to hide our bags. Someone might try to steal them. Plus, it's Friday. They emptied the garbage yesterday." They walk over and put their bags in first. Then, they help each other get in. "It's actually pretty warm in here," Leo said. The night had started to turn a little chilly. "Ewe! I think I stepped into some gum," Leo whined. "Just rest you head on the bag and go to sleep Leo," Luna responded. Akiza knew she needs somewhere to sleep. She passed a dumpster in a different alley. "I guess, I'll have to sleep in here," she said. She got in and shut the lid. "Even though it smells bad, at least I know I'm safe," she thought. She closed her eyes and went to sleep. The next morning… "Leo, wake up," Luna shouted. She opened the lid and could see the sunlight beaming down the street. "C'mon, we got to get out of here, before someone finds us," Luna said. As they get out, Leo notices stains on his shirt. "Aw man. This was my favorite shirt and now it looks like someone spit all over it! Not to mention it smells like a dirty dog!" "Leo, get a hold of yourself. We have to find food." "Did you get any money," he asked. "I have $'ll go to a fast food joint and get something." They start looking for one. Meanwhile, Akiza got out of the dumpster and was sitting on a park bench. "I have some food. I guess I'll have to make sure I ration it out." She divides some of the food up for 3 meals for the day and eats the first 1/3rd. "It's not much, but at least it's something. I guess I'll have to see if someone in Satellite can help me," she thought and started heading over to it. "Where are we going to go Luna," Leo asked as they walked outside. "We'll have to visit the Satellite and see if someone there can help us," Luna said. They start walking. Akiza was nervous as she walked around Satellite. Guys gave her looks and she was uncomfortable being by herself. "Why did the school uniforms have to make the skirt so short," she though as she tried to pull her skirt down. She then spotted a food shelter entitled, "Home for a Meal." She saw that they would serve dinner at 7, for homeless people, so she made sure that she set her watch for it. The twins walked through Satellite without much staring or funny looks. They too noticed the shelter and made sure they could remember it. When suppertime rolled around Akiza and the twins had made sure they were there extra early for the meal. They ate in different areas of the dining hall. Once the twins were done eating, they looked for a place to stay. "It looks like we'll have to stay in a dumpster again," Luna said. There was one that was next to a small house. "All right," Leo said, "Some guy said he was staying in a garbage pile, so this seems way more comfortable." They got in. Akiza walked by a few minutes later and saw the same dumpster. She opened the top and saw the two twins inside. "Can I come in," she asked. "Taken," Leo shouted. "Leo, let's hear what she has to say. What's your story," Luna asked. "I was kicked out of my house yesterday and was forced to sleep in a dumpster, like this, last night. My parents didn't want me living with them anymore." "That sounds almost exactly like us," Luna cried, "Our parents wouldn't give us the money for rent. We haven't seen them in many, many years and so we lived by ourselves. So, the landlord kicked us out and we also slept in a dumpster last night." "It smelt like an old dog, it ruined my favorite shirt, and all we have is some clothes that we quickly packed," Leo added. "Same here," Akiza added and showed her bag. "C'mon it," Luna said. Akiza, carefully, stepped in. Luna turns on the flashlight that Leo had packed. "Just don't snore really loud, because it echoes in here. Luna was doing that all night," Leo said. "Leo, you snore too," Luna said. "Don't worry. I probably snore too. I think almost everyone does," Akiza said. "Oh great," Leo said. "My name's Akiza, what are yours?" "My name's Luna and this is my brother Leo." Leo waves. "Well, now that we got all that taken care of, let's get some sleep," Akiza said. The dumpster was about a wide as Akiza was tall. So, she slept that direction and Leo slept on her right and Luna her left. She wrapped her arms around both of them. "Good night Leo and Luna," Akiza said softly. "Good night Akiza," they replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brinolovania Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 I skimmed it, and already noticed many problems. The least of which being that you should put all of the parts in one thread, and in spoilers instead of a new thread for each one. My comments in red. Chapter 1 "Get out! Get your things and leave," a male voice shouted. "You're scaring us, so leave us alone," a female voice added. Akiza quickly grabbed as many things as she could. "Get out of here you witch," he father yelled. Akiza slammed the door behind her and ran, as far as she could. She had to get away from that house, where her family yelled at her. They made her feel like an outsider. They called her names like "witch" and "monster." She couldn't take it and neither could they. Akiza had been at school and was wearing her school uniform. It was a red vest with a short blue mini-skirt. She had managed to quickly pack some food, blankets, clothes, and a pillow. She reached the park, but knew that she couldn't stay there....Why? She walked around, trying to find shelter for the night.Why just to that? Your parents just kicked you out! Sue them! Meanwhile, on the other side of town.Love how you switch to a new scene with virtually no break in between. "What do you mean we have to leave," Leo shouted."What do you mean I need a question mark?" "I'm sorry kids, but you can't pay the rent, so you can't live here," the landlord said. "Can we take anything," Luna asked.QUESTION MAAAAAARK "Whatever you can carry or pack. The rest will be sold at auction." The twins quickly ran upstairs.Quickly? I usually run very slowly. "I'm going to take this trophy and this poster," Leo said. "Leo, be sure to pack as much of your clothes and important things as you can. We have to survive and a poster or trophy's almost useless," Luna said.Wait...the land lord's just kicking them out? YOU DON'T DO THAT!!!! Leo and Luna are eleven-year-old kids! You give them time to get ready, or at least call their parents! Or send them to an orphanage! YOU DON'T DUMP TWO LITTLE KIDS OUT ON THE STREET!!!!!! Once they were done, they had mostly packed their clothes and necessary things. "What about all of this stuff," Leo asked, pointing to his room.FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. The question mark can be typed by finding the key just above the arrow keys, to the left of the shift key. Then, press that key while holding down the aforementioned shift key. Also, I just noticed that you're ending your spoken sentences with commas...no comment. "They'll have to stay behind," Luna said. The twins walked out of the building, with frowns on their faces. "Stupid parents, why couldn't they wire us any money," Leo shouted.I will say this one more time:See, most human beings, when writing, like to use these things called "punctuation marks"... "I guess they just care about themselves," Luna replied. "That might be why I can't remember the last time we saw them," Leo said. "Neither can I. I can't believe how bad some parents, including ours, treat their kids," Luna replied sadly. They walked around and they started to get tired.If I get thrown out on the street, I love walking around randomly. Seriously, these guys must have had a bit of money...buy hot dogs. "Where are we gonna sleep Luna," Leo asked.... Luna looks down an alley. "I guess we'll have to stay there." She points to a dumpster. "In that? You want us to sleep in garbage," Leo asked. "It's the only place with a cover over it, so we can't be seen," she replied, "Besides, we have to hide our bags. Someone might try to steal them. Plus, it's Friday. They emptied the garbage yesterday." They walk over and put their bags in first. Then, they help each other get in. "It's actually pretty warm in here," Leo said. The night had started to turn a little chilly. "Ewe! I think I stepped into some gum," Leo whined. "Just rest you head on the bag and go to sleep Leo," Luna responded. Akiza knew she needs somewhere to sleep. She passed a dumpster in a different alley.Wait...we're talking about Akiza now? "I guess, I'll have to sleep in here," she said. She got in and shut the lid. "Even though it smells bad, at least I know I'm safe," she thought. She closed her eyes and went to sleep. The next morning…"...You just love confusing scene changes, don't you," "Leo, wake up," Luna shouted. She opened the lid and could see the sunlight beaming down the street. "C'mon, we got to get out of here, before someone finds us," Luna said. As they get out, Leo notices stains on his shirt. "Aw man. This was my favorite shirt and now it looks like someone spit all over it! Not to mention it smells like a dirty dog!" "Leo, get a hold of yourself. We have to find food." "Did you get any money," he asked. "I have $'ll go to a fast food joint and get something." They start looking for one. Meanwhile, Akiza got out of the dumpster and was sitting on a park bench.Have I mentioned that you're bad at scene changes? "I have some food. I guess I'll have to make sure I ration it out." She divides some of the food up for 3 meals for the day and eats the first 1/3rd. "It's not much, but at least it's something. I guess I'll have to see if someone in Satellite can help me," she thought and started heading over to it.Wait...why Satellite? It isn't even connected to the city at this point."Where are we going to go Luna," Leo asked as they walked outside...."We'll have to visit the Satellite and see if someone there can help us," Luna said.Why. How. Why are you writing? How can you write this badly? They start walking. Akiza was nervous as she walked around Satellite. Guys gave her looks and she was uncomfortable being by herself.GAAAAAAAAAAA- *dies* "Why did the school uniforms have to make the skirt so short," she though as she tried to pull her skirt down.Akiza likes to think in the exact same way she speaks...*dies again* She then spotted a food shelter entitled, "Home for a Meal." She saw that they would serve dinner at 7, for homeless people, so she made sure that she set her watch for it.How convenient. The twins walked through Satellite without much staring or funny looks. They too noticed the shelter and made sure they could remember it.... When suppertime rolled around Akiza and the twins had made sure they were there extra early for the meal. They ate in different areas of the dining hall. Once the twins were done eating, they looked for a place to stay.Yet again, ... "It looks like we'll have to stay in a dumpster again," Luna said. There was one that was next to a small house. "All right," Leo said, "Some guy said he was staying in a garbage pile, so this seems way more comfortable." They got in. Akiza walked by a few minutes later and saw the same dumpster. She opened the top and saw the two twins inside. "Can I come in," she asked. "Taken," Leo shouted. "Leo, let's hear what she has to say. What's your story," Luna asked. "I was kicked out of my house yesterday and was forced to sleep in a dumpster, like this, last night. My parents didn't want me living with them anymore." "That sounds almost exactly like us," Luna cried, "Our parents wouldn't give us the money for rent. We haven't seen them in many, many years and so we lived by ourselves. So, the landlord kicked us out and we also slept in a dumpster last night." "It smelt like an old dog, it ruined my favorite shirt, and all we have is some clothes that we quickly packed," Leo added. "Same here," Akiza added and showed her bag. "C'mon it," Luna said. Akiza, carefully, stepped in. Luna turns on the flashlight that Leo had packed. "Just don't snore really loud, because it echoes in here. Luna was doing that all night," Leo said. "Leo, you snore too," Luna said. "Don't worry. I probably snore too. I think almost everyone does," Akiza said. "Oh great," Leo said. "My name's Akiza, what are yours?" "My name's Luna and this is my brother Leo." Leo waves. "Well, now that we got all that taken care of, let's get some sleep," Akiza said. The dumpster was about a wide as Akiza was tall. So, she slept that direction and Leo slept on her right and Luna her left. She wrapped her arms around both of them. "Good night Leo and Luna," Akiza said softly. "Good night Akiza," they replied. Final comments: Your characters don't seem to be able to display emotion. Akiza should seem angrier. This is before she joins Arcadia, right? So, she's mad at everyone. She wouldn't sleep with 2 random kids with oddly colored hair. And Leo and Luna should seem at least a little scared. Seriously, they're eleven years old, and they've just been kicked out of their house. Why are they so calm? I mean, Leo would try to hide it, but Luna's more emotional. And why wouldn't the twins sleep next to each other? And why do these people trust random strangers? Along with the other problems already mentioned...this story is bad. The idea is good, the writing is...terrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlos1234 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 I skimmed it, and already noticed many problems. The least of which being that you should put all of the parts in one thread, and in spoilers instead of a new thread for each one. My comments in red. Final comments: Your characters don't seem to be able to display emotion. Akiza should seem angrier. This is before she joins Arcadia, right? So, she's mad at everyone. She wouldn't sleep with 2 random kids with oddly colored hair. And Leo and Luna should seem at least a little scared. Seriously, they're eleven years old, and they've just been kicked out of their house. Why are they so calm? I mean, Leo would try to hide it, but Luna's more emotional. And why wouldn't the twins sleep next to each other? And why do these people trust random strangers? Along with the other problems already mentioned...this story is bad. The idea is good, the writing is...terrible. well actually akiza aint in the arcadia in this story there is no arcadia and thx for the corrections ill try fixing it and because since both leo,luna and akiza are homeless they got like a click that they understand each other but ill try fixing the story later on also akiza aint angrier in my story shes like a little bit more scared but when she see's leo and luna she likes gets nicer later on and sorry for the writing i was hurrying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brinolovania Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 ...The grammar of that post made me think even less of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlos1234 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 ...The grammar of that post made me think even less of you. sorry i'm not the type to write normal when i wanna write fast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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