Brinolovania Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 This might be some material...ASTRO DUDE STRIKES AGAIN [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/232397-yugioh-5ds-return-of-arcadia-part-2-is-posted/"]http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/232397-yugioh-5ds-return-of-arcadia-part-2-is-posted/[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 [quote name='Dr. Cakey' timestamp='1292619282' post='4859631'] How odd, the address it appears to be sending to isn't YCM, but I clicked on it and it is. Technology is a mysterious thing. Anyway, yes, I'll do yours next. [/quote] That's because I used this site: http://bit.ly/ It gave me a condensed link. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 [quote name='!' timestamp='1292642470' post='4860578'] This might be some material...ASTRO DUDE STRIKES AGAIN [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/232397-yugioh-5ds-return-of-arcadia-part-2-is-posted/"]http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/232397-yugioh-5ds-return-of-arcadia-part-2-is-posted/[/url] [/quote] I suspect that Astro Dude and I were arch-nemeses in a past life. Like, I was Lelouch and he was...Astro Dude can be that governor. Which governor? Exactly. [quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1292699840' post='4862311'] That's because I used this site: http://bit.ly/ It gave me a condensed link. [/quote] I always thought that was just used by spambots so you didn't know you were going to wormsandtrojans.net. Anyway, I finished butchering your fic: [spoiler='Episode 11: I'm a Pisces...I Think'] [b]This is Yu-Gi-Oh! Zodiac Cross by Phantom Roxas.[/b] Even though I was only in fifth grade back then, my school, Southfair, had called in people from various schools to get students to prepare students for where they'd go to once they would move on to junior high. Now, there's this card game called Duel Monsters, and it's ridiculously popular around here. I'm an avid player of the game, since it's actually pretty fun, but that's not the point. [b]I’m not sure what kind of world you’re going for, but generally I’d think it isn’t necessary to say “yugimonz eixts n itz kewl k?”, since we assumed that. I decided for myself that Duel Academy was basically like a trade school. A ridiculously awesome trade school on an island with an active volcano, but a trade school.[/b] My point is that out of the schools that showed up to have people register, one of them was from an actual Duel Academy. [b]An actual Duel Academy, as opposed to a…fake Duel Academy? Is that like a scam Duel Academy made of cardboard?[/b] They're really not that different from your typical high school other than the fact that they specialize in playing Duel Monsters. [b]ZOMG ERROR IN NUMBER AGREEMENT!1!!1!!!!!1!111!1!11!!1 “They’re really not that different from your typical high school[i]s[/i] other than bla bla bla…”[/b] Out of curiosity, I had decided to talk with the representative of the school. [b]I don’t really know who this kid is, but if there was a Duel Academy rep at my school, I’d start humping their leg the moment I saw them.[/b] She was pretty tall, maybe just an inch or so taller than me, and her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was dressed in an all-black suit with a name tag that said "Janine O'Hara". "Hi there," she said to me as I approached her desk. "Are you interested in joining Duel Academy?" Taking my seat, I said, "Sure, I guess. Where are you guys at?" [b]I’m sure all my readers will be shocked to know that Phantom Roxas – being a Super Mod plying his trade in the Fan-Fics forum – is actually able to write. So this is infinitely better than, say, what I reviewed last time, and probably better than what I can come up with, too. [s]In other[/s] Another words, who would actually say, “Where are you guys at?”[/b] "Well, we're a boarding school about two hours away from here, in Mecile." "Two hours? Why did you come all the way over here?" [b]I’ve had college representatives from other states. Two hours isn’t that far.[/b] "Well, we wanted to expand the number of students for future years. We've sent people all across to other states to see if anyone was interested." Now, if I was a little older or a little wiser, I would might have said that was a stupid idea back then, but I was only ten. [b]ZOMG WOULD MIGHT J00 SUK FANTOM ROXIS U KENT RITE AT ALL!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!11!!!1 I dun get it, why is that a stupid idea?[/b] It's been two years since that, and because my parents thought it would be nice living somewhere else for a few years and maybe meet some new people, I had spent the last two years making my way through school, trying to structure my deck for the school, and now here I was, on the bus ride to Mecile's Duel Academy, "Zodiac Academy" . [b]o i get it tahtz wai itz called zodiac cross[/b] With my hat covering my face, I was enjoying a little rest as much as I could. I could hear a lot of people chatting with each other, playing video games, or having a nice little duel or too. [b]Oh come on, do I really need to give a to/too/two rant? <Insert rant here> Everybody get it now?[/b] Fortunately, the seats were very comfortable. The bus probably had over thirty people in it, and I think there were still a few seats left. We were probably driving for about an hour when we had to make a stop. I hadn't gotten much rest, but I guessed it was enough. We were going to take a bathroom break, and it sounded like we were going to pick up some more people. I didn't bother to ask why they couldn't have just sent another bus, but I figured it was more convenient this way. [b]I think it would be way more awesomer to get to Duel Academy by helicopter rather than bus, but that’s what you get for not having your school on a tropical volcanic island.[/b] As the new kids kept piling on the bus, I noticed that some of them already knew some of the people on the bus, and so they sat with them. A couple people had to sit near the back, which was where I was sitting, so I had to move myself to the window seat. I was joined by some blond boy and a black-haired girl, [b]Gender equality ftw[/b] who both pushed their bags under their seats like me. The boy was wearing a white long-sleeved shirt and some black pants, and the girl was dressed in nearly the opposite, with a black short-sleeved top and some white pants. [b]I would like them to be tag duelists and both use a Chess deck. I have proclaimed it, now it must be canon.[/b] At first I paid them no mind, instead looking outside the window as we passed by more houses and shops, but then the blond kid tapped me on the shoulder. "So what's your name?" he had asked me. "I'm Blake," I said as I turned my head. "And you are?" "I'm Andrew." "And I'm Cassie," the girl said with a little wave. I looked past them to see if there were still any more open seats in our row, but there weren't. Well, at least there was someone to talk to. "Want to duel?" I suggested, already reaching for my deck from my bag. Andrew shook his head. "No, we can wait till we get to the Academy. Besides, it's a little cramped here even for a table duel, right?" I felt embarrassed after that, so I tried to think of something to change the subject. [b]You should be double-spacing between lines of dialogue – they’re paragraphs, too, you know.[/b] "So what school did you go to?" Cassie asked. "I went to Southfair." I pretended to ignore that they had no idea where that was. For the rest of the bus ride, I left Andrew and Cassie to amongst themselves [b]OMFG FANTOM ROXUS KENT RITE AT ALL WTF HE SHUDNT EVEN B A MOD!11!11!111!!!!1!1111 No, but seriously folks, “to amongst themselves”? Um…*headdesk*.[/b] as I looked through my deck for all of ten minutes. I run a Gladiator Beast deck, [b]Oh. Good. Gladiator Beasts. Exactly what we wanted to hear.[/b] and I wanted to make sure it was organized properly, just in case I had to duel the instant I got to the Academy. After that, I went back to taking my nap. [b]It occurs to me suddenly that this Duel Academy is junior high. Yes, I know that was mentioned in the second sentence – actually the first – but the enormity of this hasn’t struck me until now. Excluding the fact that unless you’re Artemis Fowl, I don’t see how a twelve-year-old could possibly be able to win at children’s card games – well, look, you know what I mean. I think their arguments usually have less to do with when Darksoul’s effect resolves and more to do with whether or not MST negates. Again, I’m not sure where you intend to take this, but it’s always much harder to make the sort of far-reaching plots successfully with younger characters. Also, we’re teenagers and so hate children because they’re all happy and energetic whereas we’re emo and chronically tired.[/b] It didn't take too long, but it came as no surprise to me when Andrew started shaking my shoulder and telling me that we were finally there. [b]And then the chapter ended. That’s it. Seriously. This is one of the shortest chapters I’ve reviewed, and it’s extremely unsatisfying because it fails to have an Inciting Incident. Of course, many anime – especially longer ones – don’t have their Inciting Incident in the first episode. Instead, these episodes have self-contained plots – which is a fancy way of saying that Jaden duels Crowler in the first episode. In this entire episode, nothing plot-relevant happened. Oh, a few story-relevant things happened – he is go 2 dool academy, sum ppl hav namez, he can has glads – but no conflict occurred. [s]In other[/s] Another words, nothing happened.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2010 This is my last review for at least a week or so. I'm going on Christmas vacation, and won't have access to computers and whatnot. [spoiler='Episode 12: Between NEXUS and Hell'][b]This is Yugioh 5d’s Return of Arcadia by Astro Dude.[/b] Chapter 1: New Beginnings [b]Apparently, this is Astro Dude’s version of Season 3. This is rather misleading, since to him Season 2 [i]is[/i] Season 3 (he watches the dub, for the most part at least), but when he says Season 3 here he means Season 3. That means this isn’t his version of Season 3, it’s his idea for Season 3.[/b] Six more months have passed since the WRGP and much has changed. [b]That indicates that some amount of time has already passed since the WRGP. All you really mean is that “six months have passed”.[/b] The gang, including Carly, Sherry and all of the friends of the Signers got together for a nice relaxing picnic at Sherry's mansion. [b]Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa…whoa. You’re making the rather drastic assumption that Sherry even survives the end of Season 2. Granted nobody ever dies in Yu-Gi-Oh!, but I don’t feel Sherry is the picnic type. More of the ‘appearing out of the blue on a motorcycle, glowering and saying something cryptic, and driving away’ type.[/b] "Well, who would have thought one year ago Yusei was still living in Satellite and things were different?" asked Crow. [b]Was it one year ago? Hell if I know how long it was since the Fortune Cup. It doesn’t really matter, because apparently Astro Dude doesn’t know how to talk – we already knew he couldn’t write. And really, what’s the use of this line? This is a variation As You Know, only ineptly done even by the standards of As You Know, and we Really Do Know. The purpose of the As You Know line is exposition, but there is nothing here we don’t already know. I’m sure the next sentence will be relevant.[/b] "I know." said Jack "And I used to be Champ." [b]Oh.[/b] "But that was the old you Jack." said Carly. "You're right." said Jack. "And I owe it to you." [b]… After learning slightly more about the enigmatic Astro Dude, I know that he actually likes JackxCarly. Unfortunately, this seems to be the love that kills, because every time he so much as mentions Carly, it seems like he’s mocking her. It’s like a second series fic where Yugi and Tea are talking and she says, “I just love friendship. Don’t you?”[/b] Meanwhile both Akiza and Sherry's dad were duelling because Akiza's dad blames Sherry and her family for being a Turbo Duelist and almost getting hurt and takes it out on Sherry's dad. [b]Hey, Astro Dude…I hate to break it to you, but, uh…how do I put this? See, Sherry’s dad…well, one night…I mean, there were these guys, and… [i]HE’S DEAD![/i] Besides, is this supposed to be funny?[/b] Akiza, Sherry and both their mothers just sighed and said "Men." [b]Nope, it’s supposed to be hilarious. But it just manages to be h[i]ai[/i]larious. You know, that word that goes right before ‘antics’?[/b] "So how did that story go?" asked Jack. [b]Genuine dialogue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b] "I finished it, but my boss said he wouldn't publish it since he thought I made everything up!" yelled Carly as she started to cry a waterfall of tears. "And it was the greatest story too!" [b]Or…not.[/b] Just then Stephanie arrived to serve tea. "Thank you." said Jack. "Y-You're welcome." said Stephanie, and then she ran off. [b]Hey, look, it’s that pointless character![/b] Mina couldn't help watching over Jack with jealousy. "I can't believe you!" said Mina. "You think you can have any girl you want. You player!" [b]The humor is almost too much to take. Also, this is totally out of character. The ‘[i]sama[/i]’ in Atlas-[i]sama[/i] isn’t exactly a gesture of spite.[/b] Then Trudge arrives. [b]And then we change to present tense.[/b] A short while later Trudge told stories of his younger days. One of which was when he used to be the head of Student Discipline back at Domino High. [b]Oh the wit… …is what I’d like to say (does anyone else think that line is unspeakably awesome?), but this is Trudge, and the creepy discipline guy from Season Zero is named Ushio. “But wait,” you say, “Trudge [i]is[/i] Ushio, right?” Yes, but in the rare copies of the original manga hidden deep within…well, I think in the volcano on Duel Academy Island…Ushio is translated as Ushio. It’s kind of like Jesse Wheeler. Only slightly less stupid.[/b] "If Yugi and his friends could see you now." said Yusei. [b]Also, didn’t manga Ushio go insane and start rolling around in leaves thinking they were money? Do Penalty Games wear off after a certain number of series?[/b] A short while later, the duel ended as a draw. [b]You are aware how incredibly hard it is to end a duel in a draw unless you really want to and have a deck specifically made to draw? Shouldn’t somebody just win? Not that it matters, since the duel is absolutely pointless and not even onscreen.[/b] Jack had a talk with Mina about Carly. "I want you to be nice to her from now on." said Jack. [b]Silly Astro Dude, don’t you know that tensions in love triangles (although this is more of a love quadrangle now) must go entirely undiscussed?[/b] "Fine, but I don't have to like her." said Mina. [b]Oh for heaven’s sake, if you’re going to acknowledge the existence of the love [s]tri[/s] quadrangle, you can at least get Jack to pick someone. And by someone I mean Carly. Wait half a second…aren’t Mina and Trudge going strong right now?[/b] Luna couldn't help but look up at the sky and think something terrible was about to happen. [b]Luna couldn’t help but look up at the sky and think about foreshadowing and how it’s completely stupid if not done correctly. Like, if the next sentence was the object touched by said foreshadow…[/b] Elsewhere in an undersea base a little girl that looked like Stocking from Panty and STocking only with blonde hair with a doll that looked like Sayer was watching. [b]ucwatididthar? Does this mean the epic Season 3 villain is a girl from some anime I will never watch holding a [s]Sayer[/s] Divine doll? I’m just going to go right ahead and picture her as Rebecca back from the second series. Notice the steady decline of 5D’s antagonists that Astro Dude is adhering to: Season 1: Reanimated souls wielding inverted Synchro Monsters and 500-foot tall god cards who can create giant images of PURPLE FIRE. Season 2: Three people-who-are-robots-who-are-people who are actually one person-who-is-a-robot-who-is-a-person from the future and use Synchro killing mechanical gods who can’t decide if they’re Transformers, Bionicles, or Exodia. Astro Dude’s Season 3: Rebecca Hawkins.[/b] "You don't know how right you are." said the girl. [b]OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD![/b] To be continued... [b]OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOO- That was…short. Look, I ask for long chapters and I get Duelist Path to choke on for a gazillion hours. So don’t make them short, don’t make them long. Make them long enough to get the job done. Get to your Inciting Incident. The basic flaws in this work were story and character-related. It seems that in the time since he wrote Duels of the Dark Signers, Astro Dude now has an adequate grasp of the English language, but he seems unable to overcome the challenge of making his characters behave like…you know, the characters. The story problem is simply the fact that the characters aren’t on any particular path yet – the good guys are all having a picnic at Sherry’s mansion for no good reason, and Rebecca is in an EVIL UNDERSEA BASE, use her evil psychic powers of evil to know that [s]Luna[/s] Lua is thinking about something. It suddenly occurs to me that in the dub, [s]Sayer[/s] Divine keeps all his [s]dead test subjects[/s] prisoners in a secret base always changing location. I’m just going to pray Astro Dude doesn’t have that particular plot point in mind… [/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 [spoiler='Episode 13: Screw the Rules, Not the Editor'][b]This is Yu-Gi-Oh! The Failtroll Legacy by =Evangelion= This is one of the few stories that does require a small bit of introduction, so this is what =Evangelion= gives us:[/b] See, I've always been thinking of making my own YGO fanfic. But I generally suck at making cards people say are balanced, and I can't write a single page in complete seriousness, font size 10.5 in Microsoft Word 2007. In addition I hate Duel Academia stories. Originality was important. So I will present to you guys, [u]Yu-Gi-Oh! The Failtroll Legacy[/u], where the main character happens to be me, of all people. Me in real life. 5 points to all [b]constructive[/b] commenters, regardless of whether you're going to revenge me for a foe fic or not. Come forth, activeness. [i]NOTE-Many sentences have grammar mistakes. Most are on purpose. For instance, I wrote "On my way back from the locals". This is because I would rather say this over "I was on my way back from the locals" in real life.[/i] [b]There you go. To begin…[/b] Chapter 1. The evil man of death and doom who runs Battle Ox and Sakuretsu Armor [b]This is very promising.[/b] I turned the corner in the dark, narrow alleyways, the nearest way towards home, jogging for no apparent reason except to look cool against a nonexistence camera, [b]*cough*nonexistent*cough*[/b] all in the name of extreme narcissism and excessive failtroll behavior. On my way back from the locals. Had lost in the first around against Six Samurai. Die, Gateway, Die. [b]Why did Konami ever print that? The only reason it wasn’t immediately broken was because Six Sams were bad until we got True Six [s]Blackwings[/s] Samurai, which make Six Sams great without Gateway.[/b] I hope the retarded load of s*** gets limited next format. [b]I doubt it. Why? Because.[/b] And the Synchro Shien has to let me activate Mirror Force. Screw his ridiculous negotiation. Whoever made them must be addicted to magical mushrooms. [b]Probably the same magical mushrooms Mario is addicted to. [/referencenoonewillremembertodoublec4’sbombscan][/b] And I almost bumped into someone. He had green hair. [b]And he screwed the rules?[/b] My first impression was that. Jeez, seriously. Green hair. Green friggin hair. Friggin green hair. Who the hell in this world has green hair from birth? I mean, I can name various people with green hair in the two-dimensional world. [b]Hm…what anime characters besides [s]drug-induced[/s] Season 0 Kaiba have green hair? Noah did, I guess. Green isn’t a common color.[/b] I suppose otaku cosplayers also wear wigs like that, or dye their hair. [b]I believe most of them undergo gene therapy in order to more accurately imitate the character they’re cosplaying, actually.[/b] But you know, I supposed those people didn’t live around here. [b]True. You never actually live near those people. They’re like Republicans that way. *gets shot*[/b] Now where was I? Oh, yes. The guy had green hair. [b]Right. That.[/b] He wore a necklace of gold, which along with his impossible hair, was really dazzling for my hyperactive eyes. I supposed it wasn’t fraud. [b]You mean, it wasn’t fake? I don’t know, real gold isn’t as shiny as you might think. It’s probably brass.[/b] Since verbally speaking, it was quite possible to take the paragraph above as “he wore only a necklace of gold, and otherwise was nude”, I’ll add he had a skintight black suit, turtleneck, to it seemed almost like the Ghouls in the Duel Monsters Anime. [b]I think you mean, “technically speaking” rather than “verbally speaking”. Didn’t the Ghouls/Rare Hunters also wear generic evil cloaks?[/b] His face was weird. Eyes were hollow, unseeing, darting through the air, in eternal pursuit of an invisible mosquito. [b]That is an absolutely beautiful metaphor.[/b] Cracked, purple lips. Ghostly white skin. I could have described it as a skeleton, but that’s so orthodox I wouldn’t. By the way, he was pretty much a skeleton. His face seemed sort of like in-between man and woman, if that makes sense, except it doesn’t because that’s just stupid. [b]No need to insult hermaphrodites and androgynous people. Yubel was androgynous. Although I wouldn’t really want to meet Yubel in a dark alley either.[/b] Well, generally I should have called the being as in it, not he, but hey, that’s just some ingenuous poetic technique. And why did I think it was a man? Because, you know, you can look at the chest that was as flat as a Pot of Duality concealed inside seven card protectors, making its pic almost indistinguishable from Mountain. I supposed even the smallest chesticles had some stuff. [b]Considering how expensive Pot of Duality is, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are people who put it in seven card sleeves.[/b] And on his left hand was a duel disk. What. [b]?[/b] He wore a duel disk? Yes. He wore a duel disk. It was a duel disk all right. A black one. [b]Well, I’m pretty sure Konami released the Chaos Duel Disk at one point, so he could have a black disk.[/b] My definition of duel disk was a typical made in china product eight-year-olds running three Battle Ox force their miserable parents to buy for Christmas and birthday presents, each one costing a horrifying 30 dollars for no evident explanation, given no one actually cares to use it after three days of torment from the depressing weight, and card board plus plastic plus several rare children’s trading cards didn’t get even close in value, even if you included payroll. In short, it was just plain stupid. [b]Let’s all just slow down and take a deep breath. Anybody thirsty? Need some water? Coffee? Soda? Go ahead and grab some. I’ll wait. Everybody hydrated? Good. All I want to say here is that you’re good, =Evangelion=, and I’m not just saying that because as of the time of writing you hate me for maybe being a bit too hard on this one guys fic. Actually, I’m definitely not saying it because of that – it would be much more fun to have a legendary flame war spanning multiple topics, causing both of us to be temporarily suspended by YCMaker on multiple occasions, with members picking sides until the battle sweeps up the entire community and the only topic of interest is DR. CAKEY VS. =EVANGELION=! But no. I’m saying you’re good because you are. You’re probably better than you think you are. But you need an editor. You need an editor – probably a short woman in her early thirties with medium length black hair who survives only on Diet Cokes and has a red pen collection – to make illegible scrawlings next to some of your sentences so that you come back and say, “the f*** does this say?”, and she says, “that’s exactly what I wrote,” and you say, “oh I get it you mean my sentence doesn’t make sense,” and then she says yeah and starts chewing on her favorite pen.[/b] But this man in front of me had it. [b]An editor? Oh, right. A duel disk.[/b] What was more, it didn’t seem so plastic. It seemed more metallic. And given normal people wouldn’t rub oil onto their toys (though I highly doubted this person was normal), it wasn’t a toy, probably. [b]Wait…he oiled his duel disk? I hope genuine KaibaCorp disks don’t have to be oiled, too. Next you’re going to tell me I’ll have to download patches and security updates and have the Card Dealer replaced every 5,000 shuffles.[/b] Then what was it? [b]Isn’t it obvious? He’s a single episode antagonist. Let’s see if I’m right.[/b] That was when the man raised the left hand. With bony fingers of abnormal length, he pressed a button on the machine that I somehow felt cost more than 30 dollars. He pressed a button. His mouth creaked open. [b]Did he just press the button twice?[/b] “Duel,” he croaked. I ran away. [b]A true duelist never runs away from stoned cosplayers in dark alleys challenging you to duels![/b] I mean, I suppose that was the most natural thing to do. I don’t remember ever running faster than then. Maybe because the jacket I was wearing was red. [b]<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333[/b] The man followed, but he was slow. Green wasn’t that fast. [b]Oh no you didn’t! Green is the fastest, strongest, smartest, and sexiest color in the WORLD! By complete coincidence, it’s also my favorite color.[/b] I ran left. Right. Right. Left. Right. I abbreviate the following for originality’s sake. Then, suddenly, the most typical and wretchedly traditional way of having the ikemen main character stop in his tracks appeared before me. IT’S A DEAD END! Whooo!! Ya-Hoo!! I should have run out of the alleys, my dumb brain. [b]It occurs to me…I think you abbreviated what preceded, not what proceeded.[/b] I turned around. The man stood there, hollow eyes bulging; mouth twisted in a crooked smile; green hair pointing; legs swaggering and stumbling every step as though he was of advanced age. He took several steps forward. “Duel, mortal.” I looked uneasily to my right. A dumb wall. To my left. A wall, except even dumber. I turned back. The dumbest wall of all, with graffiti scribbling with adult oriented words most kids would love from heart. [b]Uh… “love from heart”? This is the bit where your editor throws empty soda cans at your head out of sheer irritation.[/b] “Hey,” I laughed artificially. Maybe it was because I only picked the primal antagonist in school plays and my only real trend was the mad cackling I can make, which wasn’t exactly what I’d want here. [b]You could try out-eviling him. Oh, wait. You can’t out-evil a stoned cosplayer.[/b] It was only to be used when you killed everyone to avenge your blond boyfriend in a village where a shrine god with curses is worshipped. “Hey, jeez. Can I go home? I mean, like, my mom’ll kill me. Higurashi fashion. Please?” I half-expected the man to say he’ll let me go if I say sorry a thousand times. Apparently there was a limit to the number of Ryukishi 07 references you can make in a single chapter, because the man replied with another simulated “You must duel”. [b]I should hope there’s a limit, because I’m not getting any of them. I’m just not commenting on them to look like I’m smarter than I actually am.[/b] “I don’t have a duel disk,” I raised my hands. The man pointed at my jacket. In my right pocket was my deck. I had a bad feeling. “Duel,” the man croaked. “The singular option.” [b]Have you considered trying to distract him with a Shapesnatch?[/b] I seriously wondered what the hell was making him so addicted to a children’s card game, but since he didn’t look all that healthy, I expected him to have injection marks somewhere on his body. “Hey, seriously. Let me out.” The man switched a button on his duel disk. “A duel of darkness.” [b]Just to ensure he is very much on the insane end of the spectrum. If a wall of purple fire appears, though, that might be a bad sign.[/b] “Oh god, you don’t watch 4kids dubs. I feel we can go together. So let me out please?” “No,” the man said. “Your time is up.” I was an atheist at heart, though I never bragged about it. I also knew that science solved nearly anything. [b]Except…I’m trying to think of something really hilarious to say that science can’t comprehend, but I can’t. So I guess I’ll just go with ‘women’.[/b] This wasn’t happening. As I watched, purple lines of light spread from the man. [b]Yes…[/b] They shot across the walls of the alley, seeped in below me. [b]Yes…![/b] Everywhere around me the lines glowed. [b]YES![/b] A black duel disk, similar to the other man’s, materialized on my left hand. [b]You’ve officially crossed the absurdly awesome event horizon. Be sure not to hit the singularity.[/b] I pinched my cheek. Ow. Come to think of it, it was a stupid thing to do. Even if I was dreaming, the nightmare would have no harm upon me, so waking up was useless. If I was awake, it would just hurt me. Damn, how can I not be so logical? The man raised a hand. “My turn.” “Don’t forget rock paper scissors.” “I draw a card,” the man went on completely ignoring my rather fair common sense. [b]Actually, he’s got a point. In general, the challenger goes second, though figuring out who’s the challenger in a given situation is complicated, and it mostly goes to whoever feels like going first. Except in Crashtown, of course.[/b] “I set a monster and a facedown. I end my turn.” [b]I would expect a guy like this to put his monster face-up. Good thing he didn’t, since it would be a nightmare trying to explain the rules to this guy.[/b] [i]Damn,[/i] I thought. [i]I never knew anime characters existed. Or, at least, people like anime characters. And he might kill me. But well, as long as I win it’s ok. I suppose I can beat him as long as he uses the kind of decks anime characters use…[/i] [b]But you forget, anime characters can use Destiny Draw. Not the card, the Tag Force (actually, is it in Tag Force?) game mechanic.[/b] “Hey,” I called, raising the duel disk. “Can I take this off? It weighs a ton.” The man was silent. “Whatever,” I sighed. “If I run away right now what would happen?” “Death,” the man opened his cracked lips. “Hell, I feel so awesome today.” I drew the cards reluctantly. I should probably get this over with easily. My eyes widened upon looking at my opening hand. I glanced at the monitor on the duel disk. 4000. [b]Oh yeah. This should be fun.[/b] A short laugh escaped from my mouth. “Ah,” I grinned. “You’re so dead." [center].....................[/center] A minute later, I stood there in the alleyway, looking at the purple lines that were fading away into the body of the man lying there, panting in horror, blinking at his duel disk. [b]Hubbida-wuh!? Did you just skip the duel? Or, rather, the your turn?[/b] The number 0 was imprinted upon it. “Impossible,” he whispered. “Impossible!” “Hey,” I called. “I won. Can I get out?” It was by sheer luck of a main character that I managed to draw a Lonefire Blossom along with 3 Supervises and a Gigaplant, enabling me to Synchro Summon 3 times instantly along with a SS-ed Gigaplant, destroy the spell/trap with Black Brutdrago by discarding the Gigaplant in hand, incinerate the facedown monster with the Scrap Dragon (destroy Black Brutdrago for the lulz), and attack directly with the Scrap Dragon, second Black Brutdrago, Stardust, and Gigaplant. To be exact I used just Gigaplant and Stardust for Gorz and Trag’s sakes, but the stupid anime character didn’t own them. By the way, my monsters that materialized for some unknown reason were all squished up in the alleyway, so it didn’t look the cool way OTK in mangas do. Three dragons and a giant plant, all crammed up in five meters. Not a good sight. [b]Ah. Gigavise. You would need luck of a main character to use Gigavise. Not that I feel that Gigavise is any worse nor better than any other deck. Not at all.[/b] “…Gahh…Aah…As told,” the man mumbled to himself. “Sir…do you hear me...? The Second World’s inhabitants are unthinkable strong. I cannot –” [b]We are unthinkable strong, aren’t we? I mean, I actually own a Dark Hole.[/b] The next second, he exploded into gray dust, was blown away. [b]Because he was a Dark Signer. Or something.[/b] Nothing was left save for his duel disk. I walked over, picked the cards up. But the next second, I threw it away. The first hand I saw promised me that YCM members with 0 post count can have better decks. [b]I wouldn’t be so sure abo –[/b] Battle Ox (Grave) Sakuretsu Armor (Grave) Beaver Warrior Nitro Synchron Ryu-Kishin Dragon Treasure [b]Okay. Maybe you’re right. But, does this mean he [i]Set[/i] Battle Ox? Don’t you know that you always open in Attack Position in teh animez?[/b] I looked around several times, blinking at the man's utter stupidity and failtrollness. Then, I headed – towards home, I would have said under normal circumstances. But this time I went to the hospital instead after calling mom saying I felt sick. [b]An appropriate response. Actually, he seems to have taken it all rather well. And that’s game (said Jaden). This is a very promising story, and if it had the benefit of the thirtysomething-mistaken-for-twentysomething editor (I’m very specific about these things, as you can see), it would probably be the best piece I’ve reviewed. Oh, if anyone happens to know where I can find her, I would be much obliged.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brinolovania Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Allow me to say:LOL bolding error Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 [quote name='!' timestamp='1294096683' post='4909771'] Allow me to say:LOL bolding error [/quote] Oops. Fix'd. I type the BBCode into Word while I write, so I can make this kind of mistake. I try to check, but...to quote an illustrious vice-President, "stuff happens". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 [spoiler='Episode 14: Roots'] [b]This is Yu-Gi-Oh! Resistance Chronicles by Kale.[/b] Chapter 1 The sky is beautiful today. [b]You can’t tell, of course, but Kale has indents before each of his paragraphs. Rumor has it this is how it’s done in the real word, but forums don’t pick up on indents, so instead we double space between paragraphs. Maybe you noticed.[/b] It is one of life’s most simple pleasures, the sky, and everyone I have met would choose not to agree. [b]The word ‘simple’ should be modified by changing it to the superlative form ‘simplest’ - rather than with something like ‘most’ - because, of course, ‘simple’ is an adjective, and adjectives modify nouns, not other adjectives. Ah, it feels good to get back to my grammar-picking roots.[/b] [i]Why look at the sky?[/i] they ask me, [i]when you need to concentrate on what is in front of you?[/i] That’s true. For where I live I need to keep my wits about me. [b]While you can start a phrase with ‘for’ (as in “…for in those days, everyone mained three copies of Shapesnatch.”), it’s generally not done because it sounds old fashioned. Also, you can’t start a sentence with it, because it turns it into a dependent clause. [s]In other[/s] another words, put a comma after ‘true’ or just drop ‘for’.[/b] I need to know everything that is happening around me, at least when I’m not alone. But am I ever not alone? [b]No…we’re all connected. No matter how far away we are, our bonds can never be broken! Accel Synchro! Be born, Shooting Star Dragon! Wow. That transitions amazingly.[/b] Down the street I ride, remarking the sky’s reverent beauty. [b]This is in present tense. There’s not (much) of a problem with that, but…well, let’s talk again a sentence from now. My main concern is that gerund there in your dependent clause – ‘remarking’. You could be “remarking [i]on[/i] the sky” or “marking the sky”, I suppose (as in the “…mark my words” kind of ‘mark’). You’re probably not remarking on it, because you haven’t said anything aloud, and actually haven’t made any observations about this particular sky, just the pleasure of looking at skies in general. If you think that’s all I can say about this sentence, you obviously don’t know me yet. Describing beauty as ‘reverent’ seems like the sort of mistake nature documentaries might make on an off-day, or used by smaller, seedier tourist agencies to describe Alaska. What I’m saying is that ‘reverent’ is being improperly used – its meaning subconsciously meant to connect back to the subject, where the intention is to say that the subject is reverent in the face of that beauty.[/b] A cloud hung overhead. I could see it move, albeit slowly. [b]And now we’re in past tense. Of course. And a cloud that appears to be moving slowly is actually moving at a good clip, just 10,000 feet or more above you.[/b] I wish I could be as carefree as that cloud, to not have to worry about where I am going, to move at a constant, slow pace and not worry about anyone stopping me. I wish I could fly, to be up high and away from this terrible city that is around me. [b]There is a name for this kind of introspection. It was invented by Square Soft a few decades back – it’s called brooding. The only way to make brooding even slightly tolerable is if the brooder is as smexy as, say, for example, Lelouch vi Britannia. I don’t know who your main character is, but I doubt he’s this year’s Lelouch.[/b] Sirens. I hear them from behind me. I glance down at my speedometer and see that I am blasting down the highway at an intense 100 miles per hour. That’s interesting, I didn’t notice. No wonder I hear sirens. [b]Actually, they’re probably after you because you switched back to present tense.[/b] I take a quick shot over my shoulder to see one Law Enforcer, speeding up toward me on his motorcycle. [b]Law Enforcer Level 25 HP: 350 MAX DMG: 38 DEF: 23 EXP GIVEN: 1400 ITEMS DROPPED: Security Helmet, Dumb-Looking Mullet Yes, from now on, I’m going to do this for anything Capitalized Inappropriately.[/b] If he’s coming after me anyway, might as well give him a run for his money, right? I cranked the accelerator and zoomed forward on my own bike, headed down the near empty highway. [b]You cranked the accelerator while you’re at 100 miles per hour?[/b] The Enforcer caught up to me quickly. “You are breaking the law!” he said, his voice sounded mechanical from behind his helmet, “Pull over now!” He was right alongside me. Together we were going about 160 down the road. The speed didn’t affect him either. Strange. “I said pull over!” he repeated. I changed lanes at the last minute, speeding right down an off-ramp. The Enforcer never saw it coming. I quickly sped through a red light and merged into traffic, barely slipping between the crammed cars on the freeway below me. I never saw that Enforcer again. I coasted to a halt at the entrance to what appeared to be a garage, or a simple storage facility. It was just one unit, enough for perhaps two cars and a few boxes all together. It was enough space for me and my bike. [b]Notice a slight problem here. Since the speaker is looking at what appears to be his home, he wouldn’t refer to it by what it looks like it might be, but rather what he knows it is, in reference to himself. He might call it “my home” or “my garage” or “my friggin’ dump”.[/b] I pressed a button on my dashboard and the door opened, pulling up into the building. [b]So the door pulled up into the building? Guess again.[/b] I hopped off the bike and pushed it into the empty space before me and closed the door behind me. Everything looked normal in my quasi-apartment. [b]Why? Were you concerned the dreaded night gnomes came by whilst you were out and replaced all your furniture with [i]ab[/i]normal furniture?[/b] My couch, my bookshelf, the radio. Clothes were strewn about the floor in small piles throughout the place. I had tools scattered around my bike’s spot, as well as bottles of motor oil and gasoline. Though slovenly, I could tell if my place had been tampered with. I walked over to my coffee table, which rested in front of my couch, to look at the stack of familiar magazines. Sitting amongst the copies of [i]Resistance[/i], [i]Gears[/i] and [i]Flame Ring[/i] was one I had never seen before, a copy of [i]Cosmo[/i]. Someone is here. [b]So somebody was able to not move [i]anything[/i] but accidentally left a magazine lying around? What is this, some crime show that I haven’t watched because I don’t watch much TV where stuff like that conveniently happens?[/b] I turned around, looking toward the refrigerator. If someone stood right in its shadow it would be easy to miss them if you weren’t looking for them. [b]You should probably invest in better lighting.[/b] “Show yourself,” I calmly called out into the darkness of my apartment. [b]Stop for a minute. When’s this last time you analyzed the qualities of your actions. Adverbs demonstrate a conscious choice to aggrandize or put down the subject. It seems strange, but it’s true – adverbs can often be problematic to your writing. It seems here that the speaker is emphasizing how amazingly collected they are in the face of danger.[/b] I heard a small chuckle, a woman’s voice. “You figured me out.” “It’s quite easy when you leave clues in plain sight,” is replied, picking up the magazine to prove my point. [b]You could at least have brought me a [i]National Geographic[/i] or something.[/b] “I didn’t expect it to be difficult for you, Red...” “Only my friends call me Red,” I interjected. [b]And I don’t have any friends.[/b] “Fine, Justin,” the woman replied. “What are you doing here?” I asked. “You.” [b]Let’s analyze this for a moment. The answer to the question “what are you doing here?” is “you”, so the full answer is “I’m doing you”. Now that you’ve finished laughing because that’s obviously the most hai-[i]larious[/i] thing you’ve ever heard, let’s go back to the mechanics of the thing – a better answer would be “waiting for you”. You’re welcome.[/b] “What for?” The woman laughed, “You don’t even know your own worth!” “You mean the bounty?” I asked. Great, a bounty hunter. [b]Something about the scum of the galaxy or something…? God, I’m sorry, I’ll re-watch some [i]Star Wars[/i].[/b] “Yes. Surely you didn’t think that you could just hide out here? It was easy finding you,” she replied. If some woman could just find me at my place, surely anyone could. [b]Because everyone knows [i]women[/i] can’t do anything, so if a [i]woman[/i] can do it, then a [i]real[/i] person could definitely do it.[/b] How did this happen? What’d I do wrong? “You know I won’t come quietly.” “I thought at much. It’s why you haven’t been caught yet.” “And why I refuse to be caught.” [b]Duelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduelduel[/b] I think the woman smirked, but I couldn’t tell in the darkness. She raised her arm in front of her. “I challenge you to a duel, Justin “the Red” Tanner, winner takes all.” “What would I want from you?” I returned. “You’ll see,” she said as her duel disk activated in front of her. [b]You seem to be missing the concept of how these duels work. Each person wagers something. You’re not going to accept the duel unless your opponent’s wager has some value to you. Imagine if you put up, say, a boat, and your opponent put up the [i]Mystery[/i] Box. Not really comparable, particularly if you’ve watched [i]Family Guy[/i] and already know what’s in the box.[/b] I pulled off my jacket. On my arm was a small, metal contraption of my own design. It was smaller, but it worked just the same as those gaudy things everyone else wore. I activated my duel disk, the duel begun. [b]Began.[/b] “The challenged goes first,” the lady began. [b]Wow, somebody actually knows how this works.[/b] She was mysterious. The light radiating from our duel disks lit up the room enough to see her. Her hair was long and dark. She wore only a small, burgundy shirt that clung tightly to her body. It was matched by a short, black skirt, which went nicely with her svelte, black boots. [b]In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that she is, in fact, wearing more than a burgundy shirt.[/b] Who was this chick? “I draw,” I said. I liked my hand, I felt like my win could be easy. Depending on what she had up her sleeve. “I set one monster face-down, as well as two more face-downs, then end my turn.” [b]Leaving us to assume the card holograms actually appeared. It’s usually best to specify that these “two more” face-downs are backrow cards. For example, “I set a monster face-down and set two face-down cards,” except that’s not very nice reading, so maybe “I Set a monster in face-down Defense Position and two face-down cards”.[/b] “My turn!” she said as she drew a card. “I summon Gearex Rose!” A creature of mechanical nature appeared before her, though it was in the shape of a rose. ATK: 1600 [b]Actually a “Gearex” monster would have to be a mechanical dinosaur. Here’s the best way to list monster stats: (ATK 1000/DEF 1000). Do so right after the name of the monster. If you’re feeling like putting more detail, you can use any of these, too: (DARK Machine-Type ATK 1000/DEF 1000 Level 3 Tuner). Obviously you can play around with the order to come up with a system you like best, but that’s the most reasonable, I think[/b] “Attack his face-down monster!” [b]No attack names? Aw…[/b] The machine flower raced forward, the card flipped on my side of the field. It revealed a small, amorphous being. It was solid black, though it did seem to have a shield. DEF: 1700 “Seems that I win,” I said. “Not quite,” the woman said, “when my monster attacks a Defense Position monster with higher Defense Points than my monster’s Attack Points, the monster is destroyed at the end of the Damage Step!” The Rose flailed its bio-mechanical arm at the creature, which bounced off. Although, it left a small thorn in the middle of the shield. [b]That’s not a sentence.[/b] As the flower returned to her side of the field, the thorn on my creature’s shield exploded. [b]Is it just me, or has she not lost the Life Points for attacking whatever the blobby thingy was?[/b] “Activate Trap! Nebula Launch!” The card below me lifted up, revealing the Trap beneath. “When a monster I control is destroyed and would be sent to the Graveyard, I can instead remove it from play. Then I gain 100 Life Points for each level of the monster.” [b]Wow, that’s one of the worst Trap Cards I’ve seen in a long time.[/b] The shards of the creature disappeared into a cloud of smoke. Red: 8000 ~ 8300 ???: 8000 ~ 7900 [b]There we go.[/b] “I place two cards face down, then end my turn.” What could this woman be planning? “You’re playing into my hand,” I said, “My draw!” To be continued... [b]Dun dun DUN!!! It’s decent. It doesn’t establish much of a premise nor does it suggest any possible reason for it to be called “Resistance Chronicles”, but there’s not a lot actively wrong with it. Except for Nebula Launch. That’s just awful.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 [spoiler='Episode 15: Something Something Something Gay Clown']This is Yu-Gi-Oh:And So It Begins (no, that wasn’t a typo, that’s how he wrote it) by Cthonian. Seeing as he doesn’t even know how to spell chthonian – his own name – this is not a promising start at all. Everything about the Duelist Kingdom Tournament was going as perfect as can be. [b]Did I mention this story apparently takes place during Duelist Kingdom, with (quote), “a little old, but all new characters and story line”? *headdesk*[/b] Yugi had defeated the dark part of Seto Kaiba, [b]Yes…keep watching the dub…keep watching it… For those of you who don’t know, in the original Japanese version, the gay clown never claims to be Kaiba’s ghost, but Kaiba himself, and is in actuality a skilled mimic. No, I guess that really doesn’t make any more sense than the dub.[/b] obtaining a total of six star chips and just recently Joey has just defeated Rex Raptor [now at three star chips] and has a total of four star chips. But little did everyone know, they were being watched by seven followers. [b]Okay, guys, time to be up and honest. Advice here is probably going to be minimal, just because this fic has its own unique brand of bad that benefits best from “lolololololol” rather than “zomg j00 suk”. That said, I’ll take it upon myself to point out that “follower” is the wrong word. “Follower” means something like the word “disciple”, though more general, being religious or secular in nature. Leaders of cults have followers, political leaders have followers, and Twitter feeds have followers, but Yugi and Joey do not. They may be currently being followed by seven guys, but they don’t have followers.[/b] Rex Raptor was angry from his loss with Joey Wheeler. He wanted revenge for losing his star chips. He had managed to receive five star chips again when it happened. [b]There aren’t many things people talk around in that manner. Pregnancies, maybe.[/b] He was challenged to a duel by a six foot, hooded man. And seeing as how Rex needed to rack up chips before time ran out, he agreed. [b]And seeing as Rex managed 2nd place in the tournament to become Duel Monsters champion of Japan, he has a reasonable chance of taking on anybody on the island that isn’t a main character. On the other hand, dueling a six-foot-tall hooded dude pretty much never ends well.[/b] They dueled in the middle of nowhere with nobody in sight. [b]That covers just about all of Duelist Kingdom, you know.[/b] After just one turn, all people heard was the dino duelist screaming for mercy. [b]Although there was no one in sight. Granted this is sound, not sight, but come on? Did everyone on the entire island hear it?[/b] When someone looked to see what had happened, all they saw was that robed duelist taking Rex's star chips and whisper "Mind Flash". And with that, the duelist leaped into the forest and Rex forgot everything from the last ten minutes. [b]No no no, that’s not how you do magic powers. Didn’t Yami Yugi show you how to do it? Okay, we’ll have a quick refresher, with some modification for an Evil Person of Evil to do it rather than a 3,000-5,000 year-old pharaoh. Step 1: Win the duel. Step 2: Set your Magical Object to the Glow (Bright) setting. Step 3: Either thrust your palm forward or (in the case of super-size hands) grab the target’s head and lift them into the air. Step 4: Shout your Magical Incantation. If possible, shout it in Engrish (for example, “Mind Flash” would become “MAINDO FURASHU!!!”) Step 5: Photoshop the screen to your heart’s content. Yami Yugi recommends inverting the colors and using the shatter transition. Step 6: Set your Magical Object to the Glow (Fade) setting. Step 7: If you grabbed the target and lifted them up, take this opportunity to drop them unceremoniously. Step 8: Stride arrogantly away. Step 9: Set your Magical Object to the OFF setting. Some Magical Objects revert to the OFF setting automatically once the Glow (Fade) function has run through completely.[/b] And since the rules state that a duelist must have atleast one star chip to duel, he was kicked off the island. Many more "accidents" like these happened all over the island with six other descriptions of people losing star chips and not remembering a thing that had happened. [b]I wouldn’t describe those as “accidents” so much as SURPRISE MINDFLASH! I guess a [i]Men in Black[/i] reference would be expected to go here.[/b] The seven mystery duelists made their way up to Pegasus' castle and when they got to the top, Kimo was there to tell them that the tournament was over and that Yugi Muoto was the Duelist Kingdom Champion. The duelists took little interest in that and proceeded into the castle despite what Kimo told them. When trying to apprehend the kids, Kimp was held paralyzed until the robed teenagers were in the locked castle. [b]Kimp? Come on, have at least a little pride in your work. Not that I’d have any pride in this work.[/b] Who are these kids, and what do they want? [b]Yes, let’s put a random narrator in here for a sentence. Otherwise, the readers might not be wondering who the kids are.[/b] With nobody to stop these kids, they proceeded to the dueling arena where Maximillion Pegasus stood, crying over the loss he sustained from Yugi. But not only was Pegasus there, but so was Bakura. [b]Actually, Pegasus was in his private room, not the duel arena. Just in case you care about continuity. Which I do.[/b] He lurked out from the shadows and challenged Pegasus to a Shadow Game. [b]Aw, friggin’ hell. Lurking is passive. How the bloody hell is someone supposed to lurk out? Do you lurk home from school? Lurk to the store to spend all your money on trading cards? If I could, I would, but I can’t, because that’s not how the word works. Now read a goddamn dictionary.[/b] The winner would get the losers Millenium Item. before Pegasus could answer, Bakura was knocked unconcious, and the seven robed duelists stood before Maximillium. [b]Maximillium? Yeah, you’re not even trying. But who cares about that – I’m picturing Bakura about to battle with EJIPSHUN LAZUR BEEMZ!!!!! when he suddenly gets Vulcan nerve-pinched from behind. Maybe have a little more respect for the primary antagonist of Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters?[/b] "Can I help you," said a tired, worn out man. "I was just about to have a Shadow Game with that gentleman over there before you knocked him out." [b]Apparently, a tired, worn out man walked into the room just now. I mean, this [i]seems[/i] like something Pegasus would be saying right now, but then Pegasus would be the one saying it, not a tired, worn out man. But Pegasus actually [i]wouldn’t[/i] be saying it, because that is some of the most pathetic, bedraggled piece of failed dialogue I’ve ever laid eyes upon.[/b] "And you would have lost," said the apparent leader of the seven. "Trust me I know." [b] “We were sent from the future to kill you in order to stop Synchro Monsters from destroying the world. That’s how we know. By the way, have you seen the plot to 5D’s anywhere? The writers have lost it.”[/b] "What is it that you want?" asked Pegasus. "The same thing that he wanted," said the leader with a smirk. "Your Millenium Eye." [b]Dun dun DUN!!!![/b] "And what's in it for me?" asked an intrigued Pegasus. [b] “Nothing…we’re just going to take it. I mean, come on. There’s one of you and seven of us. What’s going to stop us?”[/b] "If you manage to defeat me in a duel, this will be your prize," said the duelist as he opened his robe. Pegasus had to look away because whatever the duelist was showing him, was too bright to even look at. [b]Aaaaaaand there are [i]plenty[/i] of jokes I could be making right now, but I’m much too mature to make any of theFLASHERLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b] "And just what is that?" asked Pegasus. "Duel me and fine out," said the hidden duelist. [b]Wait wait wait. Pegasus has his Millennium Eye on the line, and Pegasus doesn’t even [i]know[/i] what the other guy is betting, and he just accepts? Couldn’t he like, use EJIPSHUN LAZUR BEEMZ to make them go away? Oh, wait, I used that joke already. Whatever, Pegasus conveniently accepts for no reason. Continue, my good man.[/b] Pegasus snapped his fingers and the dueling arena came down from the ceiling and both duelists walked up placing their cards onto the arena deck zone and drew five cards. [b]Actually that only happened the very first time, when he dueled Kaiba. Afterwards it just stayed there. Also, these half-dozen things happened in one sentence. That’s bad writing. Not that you care – I doubt you, dear author, even know what writing is.[/b] Pegasus:2000 Jon Doe:2000 [b]ha ha itz funy bcas jon doe is teh name polees use wen dey dont no teh name uv a gai[/b] "I may have lost to Yugi with this opening move, but there is no way that you can beat me," said Pegasus confindently. "I summon..." [b]I’m quite confindent something is wrong here…[/b] "Let me guess," said the duelist. "You'll summon Red Archery Girl in defense mode after placing a card face down." "Ugh," said Pegasus placing the cards down ending his turn. "How did you know?" "Because, I've seen this coming for some time Pegasus," said the duelist snickering. "Now it's my turn, and the end of the line for you." [b]Well, I don’t know. I mean, if you’d watched the duel with Yugi, Pegasus already said he was using the same opening move. I’m curious if that also means he Set Tears of a Mermaid, which had some crappy effect involving negating Equip Cards or something…[/b] The guards on the outside were bringing Kimo inside when all they heard was their master screaming from the other room. [b]Hey, wait a minute, Pegasus has the Millennium Eye! Okay, pretty obvious, but come on, he can read a person’s mind. If he wants to know what the Magic Light of Flashers is, he could read the guys mind. He can know why the guy wants his Eye, and – of course – what cards he’s going to play. Along with overpowered cards (compared to everybody else in Season 1), how could he possibly lose? Yugi only won because he was able to prevent Pegasus from reading his mind.[/b] They rushed in to see what was going on, but when they got there, his boss and Bakura were laying in the middle of the dueling arena, without their Millenium Items. All that was left, was note. [b]I…can’t come up with anything clever to say here. So…that’s stupid. “Was note”.[/b] These two clowns, beaten and mangled Only five more, to be clobbered and strangled -The Infinite Seven- [b]And the author proves he can rhyme. Congratulations. Was this crap? Yes. I don’t get it, there was no description at all, no genuine dialogue, and it was pretty short, too. It also messed with Pegasus and Bakura, the two most [s]homosexual[/s] unbeatable villains in Yu-Gi-Oh!. You don’t do that.[/b][/spoiler] Coming up next time, a very special episode of Growing Praise and Adulation, our extremely extremely belated holiday special... [size="6"][center] Growing Praise and Adulation: [i][b]Dead[/b][/i] Wrong[/center][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 You're still making these!? o_0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted January 22, 2011 Report Share Posted January 22, 2011 So wait, what exactly is [i][b]Dead[/b][/i] Wrong? I think it's an attempt to Foefic Ixigo/Saber's insanely awesome Dead Zone, but I could be completely wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2011 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1295574897' post='4947978'] You're still making these!? o_0 [/quote] So...is that good, bad, or just surprising? [quote name='Supreme Gamesmaster' timestamp='1295663985' post='4949816'] So wait, what exactly is [i][b]Dead[/b][/i] Wrong? I think it's an attempt to Foefic Ixigo/Saber's insanely awesome Dead Zone, but I could be completely wrong. [/quote] I can't reveal too many details at the moment (I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you - you know how it is), but it is a Foefic of Dead Zone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted January 22, 2011 Report Share Posted January 22, 2011 Oh, that should be amusing. The only things that can possibly be critiqued are so vague I wouldn't know where to put in the comments. Good luck. E:< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 XD TBH, reading one of your reviews was what led me to want to read Foe Fiction. This isn't Foe Fiction, but the review on Mask of the Espada (teh greatest review) still nearly made me fall off my chair. xD The others are mostly great too, even do I DID spot some stuff that was so easy to make fun of and wasn't made fun of D: This is my fanfic, if you wanna review it :3 http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/188252-naruto-legend-of-the-kyubi-shards-chapter-40-added/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtremeG Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 Okay, you are awsome, and awsomeness is you. I HAD to read all of these! Thanks for making the act of reading Fan Fictions a little less painful, although, it seems, at your expense. For your hard work I give you this. *Gives you a teddy bear* His name is Waffle-Pant Jr. and he will aid you on your quest for decent writing. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted March 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 Well, anyone who knows me even slightly will know I'm goddamn lazy. So that even after more than a month, I haven't nearly finished the next episode. Whatever, though. I'll post the first half for you now. [spoiler='Episode 16: Dead Wrong (Part 1)']This is Yu-Gi-Oh! Dead Zone by ~ Epic Hero – Saber ~, or, The Artist Formerly Known As Ixigo. [center][b][u]Chapter 1:[/b] Death Petal Countdown[/u][/center] [center][b][i]Duel Concluded[/b] [b]Result:[/b] Win [b]Duel Points Awarded:[/b] 157 Thank you for Playing![/i][/center] Satisfied, Sanjou Kiishiro pulled the D-Tacher off his head and leaned back on the chair in front of the Duel Terminal's screen. [b]this is the worst introduction ever d-tacher sounds really stupid and why is he called sanjou that sounds like a japanese name and everyone knows yugioh happens in america. also it didn’t start with the main character being late to the duel academy exam so its not yugioh gx so its very bad.[/b] The rewards from victories in <Despair Mode> really were worth the effort - he would have to spend hours to gather up so many Duel Points in <Easy Mode>. [b]duel point are only in the video game and video games are not card games and yugioh is a card game also there is only attack mode and defense mode not despair mode or easy mode you cant make up new positions your not pegasus.[/b] The teenager looked around the noisy arcade store, slightly disoriented. [b]i cant believe it do you even know english arcades arent stores otherwise they would be called stores not arcades except when its an arcade but it sells stuff then you can call it a store also why is he disoriented i dont get it at all this story makes no sense[/b] The Real System implemented in Duel Terminals through the D-Tacher, a helmet that stimulated the brain's nerves directly, emulated a Duel in an environment known as <Duel Field>, which was an imaginary space away from reality, requiring complete shutdown of external signals. [b]i dont get it because it doesnt have duel disks and the words are big please you small words because they are easier than big words also why doesnt he use a duel disk yugi used a duel disk and yugi was cool so everybody needs to use a duel disk[/b] Therefore, being abruptly tossed in the midst of so many sources of noise and light could be disconcerting, even after several experiences with the Real System. [b]oh now i get it he was disoriented because of this thing you just said but you didnt say it rite away so i didnt get it you need to fix that k?[/b] Like many other people these days, especially in Japan, Kiishiro's main hobby was Duel Monsters. [b]no in yugioh theres only the yugioh continent which is just america bandit keith said so he said all countries belonged to america i know because i watched the abridged series little kuriboh is very funny CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!!! you see that is very funny because he said it[/b] The introduction of the Real System into the market, and the vast improvements in the Duel Terminal booths that followed, were more than enough to turn the game into a phenomenon of unparalleled popularity. [b]i dont get it i thought duel terminals were things in japan that gave you cards and were very gimmicky wait but yugioh isnt in japan its in America oh no my character is conflicting and its only been two paragraphs gah no must prevent character destruction[/b] Users of Duel Terminals were given a <Duelist Card> which they used as an identifier. [b]i dont get it wat is a duelist card is it like a card for a duelist or something explain because i dont get it[/b] Starting with an original number of Duel Points, enough to build a moderately competitive deck, they would then have to duel their way through either the artificial intelligence of the system, or other randomly selected players - the acquisition of Duel Points via friendly matches was disabled for obvious reasons - in order to earn more points and buy new cards and features for their account. [b]im confused why cant you get duel points when you duel your friends because i want to duel my friend so i can show him that lightsworns are bad if you mill sakurestu armor and heroes are only good if you use 3 polys[/b] Of course, all of this was virtual - dueling with real cards had been obsolete for at least two decades. [b]Come on, we both know Konami would never do this. What, did you say the camera’s rolling? We don’t use a camera – oh, you mean that I’m talking right now and everything I’m saying is being typed by me onto the Word file right here and I’m not in my absurd character which puts everything in lower-case? You do? CRAP![/b] Kiishiro pressed a button on the Terminal's screen, and his profile statistics appeared. He couldn't help but chuckle mentally each time he saw his avatar. [b]i dont get it why does he chuckle you didnt explain so explain[/b] Being given freedom to design their avatars as they wished, most players opted for an appearance completely different than their own. The imposing, tall virtual figure of "Thunderbolt Knight" starkly contrasted Kiishiro's short, slightly plump frame. [b]i just realized the Japanese guy doesnt have yu in his name so how can he be the main character.[/b] The image didn't even approach realism - the man's blazing green eyes, short, spiky black hair, and elegant clothing - Kiishiro had currently selected <White Knight Regalia> as an attire, appropriate for the Duel Field <Castle of Roses> he was dueling in - were more like something out of a fantasy novel than the mundane everyday world. [b]i cant find anything wrong here but this story is terrible and bad and awful and the worst thing ever so theres something wrong i just dont know what it is[/b] Kiishiro had been so absorbed in the duel he caught himself trying to straighten his hair - but unlike his virtual persona's, his light brown hair would simply fly haphazardly towards all directions if he let them lengthen too much, so he kept them cropped short. [b]this sentence doesnt have cards in it and its not exciting so it is bad and did i mention this whole story is terrible and bad and awful and the worst thing ever[/b] What was more important in this picture was the statistics display, including the Duel Point count. With the recent addition, Kiishiro's card was now charged with 732 Duel Points. The card he was seeking to buy, "Holy Barrier - Mirror Force", was one of the more expensive cards around, since its powerful effect would destroy all of an opponent's attacking monsters. [b]there isnt a holy barrier mirror force theres a mirror force but not a holy barrier mirror force so you must hav made it up but thats good i like new cards in fact you might say [quote name='StraightEdge07' timestamp='1294074337' post='4909003'] Nice fan fic, i like how you're including new cards [/quote] except it isnt a nice fanfic it is a horrible fanfic and it has big words[/b] Therefore, its price stood at 800 Duel Points. Unfortunately, Kiishiro had no more time today, so he'd just have to wait until tomorrow to - "Still hanging around here? Man, you sure are slow." [b]thats rude actually the doctor said im special. [/b] These words, spoken lightly, still stung as an insult to Kiishiro, who slowly turned away from the screen of his Duel Terminal to confront the two people who had just approached. A boy with messy black hair, a sturdy frame and slightly taller than Kiishiro, whose bright blue eyes seemed to sparkle playfully as they sought Kiishiro's hazel ones. A girl, short and petite, with long black hair which she allowed to freely fall on her back, seemed content with letting her companion take the lead, as she stood back and occasionally cast an indifference glance at Kiishiro. [b]these sentences are terrible and bad and awful and the wor- *Ahem* No actually, these last two sentences aren’t. Now you probably want to get back to my “special” “friend” “reviewing” “this”… “fanfic”, but I just want to cover this briefly. Boiling down the first sentence leaves just, “boy” and no verb. The second sentence gives us “girl seemed”. The first is obviously not a sentence, the second technically [i]is[/i], but the indefinite article clashes with the choice of verb, and…you don’t care. Now, you can use non-sentences when writing, and I happen to like them when done carefully. Now, I’d suggest rewriting the two phrases as one larger phrase (still not a sentence) to make it feel smoother. And I just noticed the girl is casting an “indifference glance”…[/b] Her black eyes seemed more bored than anything else, as if they refused to even acknowledge the boy sitting on the terminal's chair. [b]shes bored just like me becas the story is terrible and bad and awful[/b] The two were much of an age with Kiishiro himself, and both, similar to Kiishiro, were wearing their school uniforms. [b]Woah, woah, woah, hold on a second. What does, “the two were much of an age with Kiishiro” even mean, and how did I miss that the first time I read this?[/b] The young man, Aizawa Yuusuke, and the girl, Kirizaki Maya, were attending the same class as Kiishiro. Yuusuke and Maya had been friends for a long time, apparently, and for some odd reason, Yuusuke had tried to include Kiishiro into their clique. However, Kiishiro did not care for Yuusuke's brazen, sarcastic attitude, and Maya never concealed her dislike for him, so the situation generally resulted in the ever-persistent Yuusuke taunting and challenging Kiishiro, seemingly thinking of it as entertainment. Kiishiro disagreed, but he tried to at least be courteous towards them. "Aizawa-kun, Kirizaki-san." He inclined his head politely. Yuusuke laughed out loud. "You talk like you just walked out of a business meeting - or better yet, some cosplay convention!" [b] “…and every moment is a waking nightmare!” “[i]Still[/i] sounds like an anime convention…”[/b] He shouted, drawing the attention of several nearby attendants of the arcade. "Lighten up, man. No need to be so stiff." Several people laughed, while Kiishiro felt his cheeks blush. [b]i dont get it I think mayb ur trying to say that he was embarrassed but u didnt say so so I cant tell[/b] "But what is this?" Yuusuke suddenly leaned forward. Kiishiro gave a start, and attempted to shut down the forgotten Duel Terminal, but it was too late. "Hey guys, check this out." Yuusuke said, mockingly serious. "This Thunderbolt Knight here" the nickname raised another round of uproarious laughter "lost three times, and I repeat, three times... in <Easy Mode>." [b]dont be so meen i lost in easy Mode five times before i won with my elemental heroes[/b] Kiishiro shook his head as their audience threw mocking comments and snide remarks. True, <Easy Mode> was simply meant for either testing a deck, or easy, but slow, accumulation of Duel Points. It was considered almost impossible for a duelist to lose to an artificial intelligence set on Easy level, but when Kiishiro had activated his account, he had little notion of how to play, and thus his first few games had been, to say the least, quite embarrassing. [b]i lost 1ce because the computer cheated i played mystical space typhoon when he used tribute to the doomed but it didnt negate it[/b] "Yuusuke." Maya said abruptly. "I'm hungry. Let's go eat now." Yuusuke shrugged, still half-smirking, and straightened himself. "Try to get some practice in, Thunderbolt Knight." He waved at Kiishiro, as he began to walk away behind his friend. "You almost make me feel ashamed, having you as a friend." [b]And those were the last words Yuusuke ever said, before Kiishiro shot him in the back. Kiishiro had been planning this for years. Every time Yuusuke had spoken, it had brought him closer to that inevitable death, and today was his final day. =)[/b] Despite himself, Kiishiro smiled slightly. Now that the source of the commotion was gone, the attention quickly dissipated, and everyone returned to their own games and companies. Kiishiro prepared to shut down the Duel Terminal, when a flashing green message on the bottom of the screen caught his attention. [b]“Your fanfic has been targeted by Dr. Cakey. He has locked on with a procrastination beam, ETA one month. Tune in next whenever, for the thrilling conclusion! Same [url=”http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Meda_Bat”]Meda Bat[/url]-time, same [url=”http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Meda_Bat”]Meda Bat[/url]-channel![/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 And thus happens my first post in this thread. I've been a relatively close follower of Crab Helmet's original Foe Fiction. Since then, many, [i]many[/i] spin-offs have sprouted up around YCM. Some were decent, some were flat-out boring. Some were terrible. In my opinion, none has surpassed the standards set by Crab just yet. Let's see if this one does. I believe Dr. Cakey is pretty good at nailing down weaknesses and flaws. His reviews are sharp and rarely miss a point. However, the problem here is that he rarely offers alternatives, generally restricting himself to just pointing out the mistakes. While this approach does make sense as most authors featured here are too [s]stupid[/s] [s]illiterate[/s] [s]useless[/s] [s]trash[/s] GOD I CAN'T FIND A NON-INSULTING WORD to really understand [s]the language[/s] potential corrections, it often leaves me wondering 'how would this have been done better?' Or, since I usually know the answer to that, 'how would Cakey have done this?' Crab Helmet employed various techniques in his writing. He spammed memes, created sub-characters, made a whole deal out of the review. Dr Cakey's reviews are not as colorful, and his humor is more direct and cynical - some people would even call it rude. Then again, no one cares about those people. Cakey's reviews are more blunt, and it's almost reminiscent of how an editor would treat a piece of [s]trash[/s] writing, only, well, more on the jackbutt side. Well, these are, in short, my thoughts on this thread. Is it better than Foe Fiction? Hmm. It certainly has its own appeal. I feel it's addressed to a more selective audience, the ones who really enjoy being mean and laughing at the expense of others, and don't just do it for the lulz. So basically, it's perfect for me. Advice to make it better? Well, stuff like making up characters to add variety to reviews will always be winful, like Crab's little sub-plots. Especially if the stories involve ultimate mindscrews alla ZONE-is-not-Yusei. Oh, and lots of manly bro-love for that last chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 [quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1299075833' post='5045707'] And thus happens my first post in this thread. I've been a relatively close follower of Crab Helmet's original Foe Fiction. Since then, many, [i]many[/i] spin-offs have sprouted up around YCM. Some were decent, some were flat-out boring. Some were terrible. In my opinion, none has surpassed the standards set by Crab just yet. Let's see if this one does. I believe Dr. Cakey is pretty good at nailing down weaknesses and flaws. His reviews are sharp and rarely miss a point. However, the problem here is that he rarely offers alternatives, generally restricting himself to just pointing out the mistakes. While this approach does make sense as most authors featured here are too [s]stupid[/s] [s]illiterate[/s] [s]useless[/s] [s]trash[/s] GOD I CAN'T FIND A NON-INSULTING WORD to really understand [s]the language[/s] potential corrections, it often leaves me wondering 'how would this have been done better?' Or, since I usually know the answer to that, 'how would Cakey have done this?' Crab Helmet employed various techniques in his writing. He spammed memes, created sub-characters, made a whole deal out of the review. Dr Cakey's reviews are not as colorful, and his humor is more direct and cynical - some people would even call it rude. Then again, no one cares about those people. Cakey's reviews are more blunt, and it's almost reminiscent of how an editor would treat a piece of [s]trash[/s] writing, only, well, more on the jackbutt side. Well, these are, in short, my thoughts on this thread. Is it better than Foe Fiction? Hmm. It certainly has its own appeal. I feel it's addressed to a more selective audience, the ones who really enjoy being mean and laughing at the expense of others, and don't just do it for the lulz. So basically, it's perfect for me. Advice to make it better? Well, stuff like making up characters to add variety to reviews will always be winful, like Crab's little sub-plots. Especially if the stories involve ultimate mindscrews alla ZONE-is-not-Yusei. Oh, and lots of manly bro-love for that last chapter. [/quote] I found the last chapter not good enough for Cakey. He didn't point out many errors at all, instead merely pretending to be an idiot for comedy. Sure, it's fine to pull an idiotic joke every so often but he just went too far. I completely agree with your reviewing spectrum, though I'm worse than Cakey, who is quite polite when being rude (oxymoron, I know). Though I think that keeping this as a review would be better for now, as I actually found Crab's sub-plots tedious and trite (although on occasion were funny). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Well, that's the point -- this is the usual formula, backwards; or, in other words, a parody of all the bad Foe Fiction ripoffs out there, or at least one of the vengeful reviewees desperately attempting to find something wrong with the reviewer's writing as retribution for a scathing reviwe and desperately failing. Here, an incompetent reviews the best writing on the forum -- as opposed to the best writers on the forum reviewing incompetents. I think it's genius, and as much as I wish it were slightly overdone, it really isn't. >_> Generally, the reviewer isn't trying to think during the review process insofar as they're trying to get revenge for what they perceive as a personal attack on them and their ambitions. tl;dr: cool chapter bro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted April 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks gaize. I might actually finish Dead Zone, but I do have this in the mean time: [spoiler='Episode 17: 24/8'] [quote] For within the dome is a large deposit of Helium-6, the largest in this area. [/quote] Helium-6 would be dreadfully dull, if it can exist at all. It would be a heavier and less stable Helium. Helium does not make good fuel. Helium does not make good anything, except balloon filling. It is the least reactive element in existence. Sci-fi supercommandos would have no use for it. And now, to be ridiculously meta, I will now make commentary on the author's commentary of the reviewers' commentary on the author's story. And, since that spoiler was in a quote, I had to reformat everything myself. BE GRATEFUL. My words will be underlines, since that's the only formatting device I have left. [b] Welcome, to another segment of Fan Fix-tion Riffview. Today (and probably tomorrow, reviewing bad fics takes time and grit) we’ll be reviewing Sabotage’s fic, New Moon. This is apparently an original story, so hopefully we’ll get some interesting stuff. Then again, there’s a “Plot summary”. From my experience, that’s seldom a good sign. And of course, I will not be reading said plot.[/b] [i][s]Jerk[/s] You should've read it. It would'll make a difference later on in the story. Also, remember Code Geass? Plot Summary~[/i] [u]One sec, reading your plot summary... Well, I'll start by tackling your comment. Code Geass does NOT start with a plot summary, it begins with background information - also poor form, but different. Second, while it does dump information, this is also information you get in the first episode. 1. [s]Britain[/s] [s]America[/s] BRITANNIA likes shooting things. 2. Japan = Area 11. 3. MECHS ARE AWESOME. Thirdly, visual media cannot Tell as artfully as written media. Lastly, it's still poor form. It's not the only thing Code Geass does that isn't good form. And then that plot summary of yours. Why is the moon full of generic sci-fi super-compounds?[/u] - I know, the story is called New Moon. But there is no relation to Twilight or anything else. [b]Daisuke: How misled I was, coming into a story subtitled “original story”, thinking it was going to contain sparkly, vegetarian vampires.[/b] [i]People would've gotten the wrong idea eventually. I put up that probably for newbs who don't know otherwise, when I think about it. [/i] [b]Dio: There's not even a relation to a new moon?[/b] [i]There is. PLOT SUMMARY DAMMIT.[/i] [u]The plot summary is the equivalent of the Back Of The Book. A good author dreads what drivel will be put on their Back Of The Book and ruin their carefully laid out plot structure.[/u] - I have the right to stop this story or procrastinate at any time I see fit. [b]Daisuke: And we have the right to stop reading because the writer is being mean to us. Dio: But we won't, because we [s]despise[/s] love you all.[/b] - I don't name my chapters. Too bad. [b] Daisuke: The best way to start your story in a good way is to mouth off to the readers in a rude fashion before your story begins. Dio: "Oh, my word! The author is being quite unsavory. I believe I will stop reading now."[/b] [i]Hey, give me a break. It may be a little rude, but...Meh. I have no excuse on this one. Point Valid.[/i] -Any mistakes in Grammar or plot that you find you be great to point out. [b] Daisuke: I found one already.[/b] [i]Capitalizing Grammar for me is instinct.[/i] [u]"...that you find you be great to point out... Somehow I don't think he was talking about the 'Grammar'.[/u] Well, I don't see anything else I need to add. [b]Daisuke: Why not “Characters” after “Plot Summary”, while you’re at it? Dio: Or THE END perhaps?[/b] [i]@Dai That's what the story is for.[/i] [u]Apparently, you didn't get it.[/u] Date / / / Confirmed. Reading - - - - 2117, A.D. Location / / / Determined. [b]Daisuke: Because “Confirmed” is so SO last sentence.[/b] [i]Just trying to not be repetitive here. I struggle with preventing that.[/i] [u]Good, good. The one time it would [i]not[/i] be appropriate to switch up words, the author decides to do so.[/u] Grid Coordinates - - - - 134/5592 Current Objective / / / Classified. Shut down initiated. [b]Daisuke: Can I mention how I thought this was going to be a Halo fic from this?[/b] [i]I did a Halo fic once, when I was about, what, 12? It was actually a good idea...hmmm...[/i] [u]NO THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE I AM A NINTENDO FANBOY SO HALO SUX I KNOW BECAUSE I PLAYED SUPER MARIO GALAXY. IT MAKES SENSE IF YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.[/u] [b]Dio: YES, SHUT DOWN, PLEASE, SAVE US THE TROUBLE.[/b] [i]No u[/i] The horizon began to blow up with a dust storm, [b] Daisuke: Dust storms: They’re such dangerous explosive weapons they can blow up horizons.[/b] [i]You know what I meant.[/i] [u]helo im vrey good student plz i r wan 2 go 2 ur colege pl0x You know what I meant, so it's okay.[/u] enveloping anything in its path. PVT. Holt Novara put down his binoculars with a huff. [b]Daisuke: Those are some pretty heavy binoculars, huh?[/b] [i]It was supposed to be a depressed, bored sigh.[/i] [u]A huff isn't a depressed, bored, or depressed-and-bored sigh. Huffing is an onomatopoeia (SAT word, kids) of a forced expulsion of air. It is, in fact, exactly the kind of sound you'd make after setting down a fifty pound set of binoculars. Speaking of which...[/u] [b]Dio: "Sir, did we really have to get the 50 lb pack?"[/b] [i]*enter lulz here*[/i] [u]L U L Z Entered.[/u] He looked around at the area around him. [b]Daisuke: As opposed to looking around him at the area in front of him.[/b] [i]If you're bored, would you just look at one spot?[/i] [u]He looked [b]around[/b] at the area [b]around[/b] him. u c?[/u] A few men patrolled the walls, looking just about as thrilled as Holt was. [b] Daisuke: He was thrilled? I got the impression he was sick of whatever he was doing. [/b] [i]Implying that you didn't understand the whole "with a huff" part.[/i] [u]No, no, here I could tell he was bored even with the misuse of "huff". I'm reasonably good with that whole sarcasm business.[/u] [b]Dio: "OH MAN, I'M SO FREAKING PSYCHED FOR THIS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"[/b] A large pedestal laid flat on the wall, with a small control panel next to it. The area within the outpost was nothing but dirt and a large, solid bio-dome in the middle. He looked back out at his surroundings. Still, nothing. [b]Daisuke: He expected there to be something between the span of several seconds he looked away?[/b] [i]Yes. Because boredom does that to people.[/i] [u]I have no problem with this, either.[/u] He peered over at his commanding officer. He was looking out at the horizon intently, as if expecting something to peer out from it. [b]Dio: Peekaboo. I. SEE. YOU![/b] [b] Daisuke: That’s tantamount to telling us something’s going to peer out from it.[/b] Holt cleared his throat and looked at him. “Hey, Sarge. You ever wonder why we’re here?” The sergeant didn’t avert his gaze from the dirt plain. [b]Dio: "Well-"[/b] “Well, it’s one of life’s greatest mysteries. Were we the result of some freak event? Were we constructed by a larger caste of creatures? Is there really a God?” He replied. [b] Dio: a****** JACKED MY LINE[/b] [i]Too slow, you are.[/i] [u]As fun as that was, it's a bit pointless, particularly since I assume Holt actually wants an answer and isn't just shooting the breeze.[/u] Holt blinked twice before responding. “…What? No, not like that. I mean why are we at this outpost?” [b] Daisuke: “Well, you’ve obviously been briefed about all the details beforehand, but since you’re such a failure you can’t remember, I’ll tell you again.”[/b] [i] The lackeys aren't told anything here.[/i] [u]Setting aside the fact that that's silly, why would the sergeant then...[/u] The officer peered over at him. “Oh…we are here to defend this outpost from potential threats. [b]Daisuke: Potential threats? I thought they were here for something specific. But oh well, I guess there’s no pre-battle tension waiting for Holt to fight the Covenant, or the Flood or something.[/b] [i]Can it. Anyway, they are on the DEFENSIVE. Although, you would've picked up on that if you kept reading.[/i] [b]Dio: Unless...WE'RE THE THREAT! THIS IS EPIC![/b] For within the dome is a large deposit of Helium-6, the largest in this area. Command gave us this order personally. If we can harness this H6, he is confident that we will be able to grow into the largest, most powerful faction in this area. With the H6, we will also be able to purchase some…larger…weapons.” [u]...tell him.[/u] [b]Daisuke: Time to…make my speech dramatic…by using ellipses…in succession. [/b] [i]He just paused to think of a word to use.[/i] [u]Should I say "larger" or "bigger"? Or maybe "better". Hm...[/u] [b]Dio: Mr...Spock. Set all phasers...to stun.[/b] He reverted his gaze to the horizon. Holt stared into the sky, mind full of wonder as to what they will be able to purchase with the resources. [b]Daisuke: Hate to be nitpicky, but it really should be “would” instead of “will”, since it’s not certain they’ll be able to harness it yet. (as stated by Sergeant Dramatic)[/b] [i] They WILL be using it. It's common logic. I mean, just because they haven't doesn't mean they can't.[/i] [u]Then he wouldn't have said "If" we can harness it.[/u] He imagined a giant tank, rumbling around the plains, with giant missile launchers and enormous cannons. [b]Daisuke: They can’t even afford tanks with big guns and missile launchers? That’s like the Navy not being able to afford big ships.[/b] [i] Again, Plot Summary. That explains it. You know, tiny outpost, small faction, not big on funds?[/i] [b] Dio: Or like Michael Bay not being able to afford high explosives.[/b] [i] That happened once.[/i] He watched his imaginary tank as it rolled over an enemy strike force, [b] Daisuke: “Instead of shooting at them with said big guns."[/b] [i] Rolled over not being used literally.[/i] [u]I'm 'kay with that.[/u] watching them beg for mercy at its incredible power. [b] Daisuke: I’m pretty sure if a tank rolled over me I’d be screaming in pain if not dead, not screaming for mercy. Dio: "PLEASE, MER-SWEET GOD, MY LEG!"[/b] [i]This is his imagination. What do you expect from him?[/i] [u]Okay with that, too.[/u] He shook his fists in the air, mouthing the words “That’s right, beg you mongrels!” He became power hungry over the very thought of anything larger than an ISS-Turret (Industrial Steel Shredder). [b]Daisuke: So aside from knowing he’s so weak carrying binoculars is an effort for him, and knowing he has short-term memory loss…this is our protagonist, folks.[/b] [i]See previous bored statment.[/i] [u]Yeah, when you're bored, you start acting crazily.[/u] [b]Dio: DON'T TALK ABOUT MEMORY-[/b] [color="#2E8B57"]Hello.[/color] [b]Dio: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU[/b] Holt continued on with his fantasies, receiving strange glances from nearby soldiers. His daydreaming was soon interrupted, rudely. [b]Daisuke: You sure it wasn’t interrupted nicely?[/b] He could hear a light wooshing sound. [b]Daisuke: Woosh[/b] [i]More like wooooooooooooosh.[/i] [u]That's probably more of a [i]faint[/i] whooshing sound.[/u] [b]Dio: LOOK! UP IN THE SKY![/b] It was growing, growing, soon becoming the most obvious noise in the area. Other soldiers looked around, puzzled. [b]Daisuke: But not Holt, oh no. He kept his composure, as he was used to dealing with rapidly-growing woosh sounds.[/b] [i]It is implied that if the others are puzzled, he will be as well.[/i] [u]Yes, it would be. But since you specifically indicated that the [i]other[/i] soldiers were looking around, that would indicate he was not.[/u] [b]Dio: IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S-[/b] Suddenly, an RPG flew straight into the outpost’s wall. A hunk of the wall came tumbling down, taking a soldier with it. [b]Dio: -Death. It's Death.[/b] [i] Lulz were had here.[/i] [u]I've always loved that those nice explosives are called Role-Playing Games. I believe it's derived from the fact that they amount of damage it causes is directly equal to the amount of damage caused by an average game of D&D.[/u] The unnamed man [b]Daisuke: “His parents hated him so they gave him no name.”[/b] [i] Holt does not know his name.[/i] [u]"Unnamed" is the state of not having a name, not the state of someone in the world not knowing a person's name.[/u] grabbed onto the edge of the wall, desperately. Holt snapped himself out of his thoughts and rushed over the soldier’s aid, pulling him up from the edge. Holt lifted his binoculars back up and scanned the horizon. The trooper that he saved looked at him. “Do you see anyone?” [b]Daisuke: Yes, let’s not thank the guy that just saved you, and instead demand they give you information.[/b] [i] Lulz were here too. Although, in a war scenario, it's better to thank the guy who saved you AFTER the firefight. "Hey dude, thanks for saving m-"*Kablam*[/i] Holt focused on a group of movement. “Ok…I can see one…no, make that two. Three…ten. I see ten. Wait, thirty, forty, APCs, jeeps…” [b]Daisuke: What.[/b] [i]He's counted them out as he surkeys the area.[/i] [b]I mean, I can see this working in a movie, as maybe “10...no, 20” because it’s an estimate, but to go from one to forty is a pretty large gap. Get contact lenses, Holt.[/b] [i] He's counted them out as he surveys the area. They are slowly revealing themselves as well, coming over the horizon. ! And not in the ways you think, you pervert.[/i] [u]You thought of it, not me. But back to the "estimate": even if he was counting them, wouldn't it be immediately obvious there's more than one?[/u] [b] Dio: Apparently eyesight problems get you far in the army.[/b] He yelled to his sergeant. “I see a whole bloody battalion out there!” [b] Daisuke: Damn Holt and his blindness.[/b] “Then grab your weapons, soldiers. We are on the defensive.” The sergeant said with a cold tone. [b]Daisuke: I can see him using a cold tone towards enemies, but not allies. Maybe a steady tone, but…then again, maybe he dislikes his companions. Wouldn’t be surprised, considering one of them is Holt.[/b] [i]It's his personality. It's just the way he speaks.[/i] [u]Eh, this is too subjective.[/u] [color="#2E8B57"]He is not the mayor.[/color] [b]Dio: WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS ASS, THETRUEACEATTORNEY?! WHY?![/b] The other soldiers in the outpost began to panic. [b]Daisuke: And now I wholeheartedly believe the sergeant would dislike them. His only back-up consists of a bunch of cowards that call themselves soldiers, and Holt, the nearsighted good-guy-gone-bad waiting to happen.[/b] [i] Wat. Anyway, if you read farther into the story, it'll make sense as to why they panicked.[/i] [u]The question is valid. Why would soldiers run around panicking?[/u] They had never fought an enemy force of such size and proportions. [b]Daisuke: Proportion relates to the size of something, so you could just make it magnitude, which is probably what you were aiming for.[/b] [i]Proportion, relating to the size of the force. [/i] [u]Magnitude would be the correct word.[/u] They scurried around the base, yelling different commands to an imaginary fighting force. [b] Dio: "COCO, YOU TAKE THE TURRETS! BLOO, WILT, YOU'RE WITH ME!" Daisuke: And here’s where I’m lost.[/b] [i]They are all in a state of panic. They assume they have a lot more men in the base. WHICH THEY DON'T. Thus, imaginary.[/i] [u]So, they...didn't know how many men were in an outpost they had been in long enough to become very bored and restless?[/u] “Quick! Grab the RPGs! Aim for the treads!” [b]Daisuke: You can’t aim for a verb. Holt:Yes I can! I see it! It’s one…no, two. No, fifty…no, one hundred! Daisuke: Shut up Holt.[/b] [i]Great, now Holt's associated with counting and sight issues.[/i] [b]Dio: Actually, treads ARE part of a tank. I'm sorry that Daisuke was rude to you, Ho- Holt: No, one thousand! Dio: Nevermind, go to hell.[/b] “Keep yourself steady. They can’t fight to well, can they?” [b] Daisuke: I’m guessing this is a dialogue between the Sergeant and Holt, since he knows Holt will likely miss, and the others can’t fight well. Or maybe the soldiers not only are cowards, but also are stupid enough to assume their enemies suck.[/b] [i]These are several soldiers in the base, all talking at once. BUT NOT EXACTLY AT ONCE. Bah, you should know what I mean. And if you don't you're retarded.[/i] [u]Well, I know what you mean there, but I don't know who can't fight to[b]o[/b] well, although I assume it's the outpost's soldiers with imaginary friends.[/u] “Someone arm the LMG! Take out their infantry!” “Does anyone else smell that burning? We might have a fire down here!” [b] Daisuke: If you smell burning, there’s no “might” about a fire being there! It’s there! And it’s causing the burning! Why are you soldiers so stupid?! WHY?! Dio: Could be the waffles in the toaster. [/b] [color="#48D1CC"]Squirt![/color] [color="#0000FF"]I love pajamas and linge-[/color] [u]Goddamnit I have to put in the colors for all these, you know![/u] [b]Dio: BEGONE, VILE WITCH OF ASSORTED NIGHTLY GARMENTS!...AND TURTLE![/b] [color="#48D1CC"]Squirt?[/color] [color="#0000FF"]Don't let it get you down, Captain Blorbalot! [/color] [color="#48D1CC"]...squirt ;_;[/color] Holt’s commanding officer went up to him. “Look again. Tell me what you see.” [b]Daisuke: Here his Sergeant has begun to suspect Holt’s nearsightedness, and is testing his theory.[/b] He peered back into the binoculars. “I see roughly 64 Infantry, 3 APCs, 4 Jeeps, armed with LMGs and Javelin Rockets.” [b]Dio: HOW ARE YOU SO PRECISE NOW?![/b] [i]Because he counted?[/i] [u]Then it wouldn't be "roughly". And then, he actually decided to [i]count[/i] every single person?[/u] [b]Daisuke: Didn’t he say there were 40 before? Damn it, Holt.[/b] [i]See previous answer.[/i] “What flag are they under?” The sergeant asked. “I see no visible flag, sir. Just troops.” Holt responded. “Than they are just pirates, [b]Daisuke: Than I stopped reading this fic because I realized it sucked.[/b] [i]YARGH, YE BE INSULTIN ME WORKS. I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR SUCH TREACHERY.[/i] a work force for hire looking to make a quick buck. [b]Dio: The term "pirate" usually refers to those who rob and pillage on the sea or those who download illegally. DON'T DO EITHER.[/b] [i]Well, there goes the weekend.[/i] [u]So as long as I don't download them, I'm okay? YES! *continues to watch ZeXal on Youtube.*[/u] [b]Daisuke: Presumably, Holt also suffers from what affects all the other soldiers except for the Sergeant. It’s called stupidity. So the Sergeant must explain to him what pirates are. Except instead he described what mercenaries are. Damn it, Sergeant.[/b] [i]In this scenario, it's pretty hard to tell whether someone is a pirate, faction member, mercenary, or idiot. Well, scratch that last one.[/i] [u]Well, if not having a flag makes you a piratecenary, wouldn't the fact that Holt sees no flag tell him they're piratecenaries?[/u] Most don’t even have proper combat training.” The officer raised his voice, to make sure that the others could hear him. “Are we going to let a few pirates crush our moral? [b] Dio: PROOFREAD. It's morale. Daisuke: Oh come on, Dio, don't crush his moral[/b] [i]Ok, ok. I misspelled it. Point Valid.[/i] Are we gonna let them waltz in and steal what is rightfully ours? [b] Daisuke: You can’t wield it, and we have no back story on this. WHY is it rightfully yours?[/b] [i]Greed. That just about explains everything.[/i] Are we gonna beg at their feet, asking for mercy? [b] Daisuke: Or die in a blaze of glory. Whatever works.[/b] [i]idungetit.[/i] [u]It's a tiny outpost so disorganized they don't even know how few men they have, up against a battalion of men and tanks. The only reason they're going to win is because they have the main character on their side.[/u] I should think not. Lets let these bastards know just who they are dealing with!” Daisuke: “[s]Let’s[/s] Lets let these bastards know just who they’re they are dealing with!”? No one says “they are” when they speak. Most likely they’d say “Let’s show these bastards who they’re dealing with”. Don’t try to experiment if it makes you look like a[s] soldier from this fic[/s] bad writer. [i] Geez, ok. I'm not perfect, you know.[/i] [u]They're perfect. You're not. Is that what you're saying?[/u] “Oohra!” Several voices yelled at once. [b]Daisuke: The other ones just didn’t care enough.[/b] [i]Lol'd.[/i] [b] Dio: One missing letter and the several voices could all be Star Platinum.[/b] [i]Wat.[/i] [u]I dunno.[/u] The sergeant began commanding the troops to their respective locations, telling them to dig in. [b]Daisuke: Of course, we’re being told this, instead of show this. Wonderful.[/b] The sergeant himself grabbed a SIAR (Standard Issue Assault Rifle) and took cover behind a wall. There was a moment of silence right before the battle. The calm before the storm. [b]Dio: Then they all got killed. END.[/b] [b]Daisuke: Oooh, that so makes me want to read more. Not. This fic, while definitely not one of the worst, was also not one of the best. (not that any of them are). It’s just pretty boring. Nothing to hook the reader but the thought of violence against an unknown force that magically grows in numbers (to spare myself from insulting Holt’s eyesight again). The only named character is Holt, and aside from the Sergeant, I like none of the characters. And even then, my liking of the Sergeant took a blow when I learned he could not differentiate a pirate from a mercenary. Definitely not hopeless, but proofreading would be nice. It needs more interesting stuff, and less…of the stuff that it’s composed of now. Dio: In short, work on it. Simple as that. PLAY US OUT, CRAWFORD![/b] [color="#2E8B57"]Be a dear and take me to the hospital, I'm bleeding to death.[/color] [b]Holt: Why's everyone bleeding? Daisuke: ...God DAMMIT Holt...[/b] [i]Ok. When I look back on it, it could use a lot of work in some areas. But, as with most things, the story gets better as it progresses.[/i] [u]That's everyone's (including mine) go-to excuse. Crab has actually bothered to check several times if it's true. And...it's not.[/u] [i]Also, I think the reason some of it was...odd, to say the least, was because I wrote it out like a movie script, as I imagined it in my head. Meh. Whatever. Anyway, I lol'd throughout, and still am a fan. Keep up the reviews, and thanks for being perfectly [s]sarcastic[/s] honest.[/i] [u]Well, here's my thoughts. It suffers from lack of PROOFREADING, and also from a generic post-apocalyptic-manly-soldiers setting, which is quite literally the worst of ALL generic settings. kthxbai[/u][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted May 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Well, I did a collaborative effort along with the Riffview folks and Phantom Roxas. Here it is: [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239669-fan-fix-tion-riffview/page__view__findpost__p__5180720"]Episode 18: Unity[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted July 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 The muse struck me, so to speak. [spoiler='Episode 19: Tea-Time of the Dead'] [b]This is Leid der Toten (Suffering of the Dead) by Dwarven King. He mentions this is a zombie survival story, which you might have predicted from the title. I’m going to go out on a limb here and speculate on his thought process: [i]Zombies are evil. Hm…what else is evil? [s]4Kids[/s] Disney? No, too evil. Wait, I know![/i] Hitler[i] is evil! And Hitler spoke [/i]German[i]! So that means…zombies speak German? Yeah, probably. I mean, the Nazis were zombies, right? Why else would they be called Nazi Zombies?[/i][/b] No feelings. No thoughts. Nothing. [b]When I first read this, I thought he was telling people how to comment on his story. That’s how whiny authors here are.[/b] Not even a spark of intelligence in it's eyes. [b]It is?[/b] Nothing but shuffling and blind instinct. That's all it is. [b]So it’s…made…of shuffling? What kind of shuffle are we talking about here? Konohana Shuffle? … The first person to post what video game the Konohana Shuffle from gets a rep.[/b] A simple mass of decaying flesh with no real purpose but to follow it's urges. The only noise it makes is the constant moans... [b]The empty mall was crowded the invisible unicorn was pink blab la bla[/b] the occasional scream when an urge hits... [b]Must…resist…urge…to make…joke…about…the word…urge…[/b] and the noise it makes when it runs into something. [b]u c its funy bcas zombies r not vrey smart n tehy run in 2 stuf[/b] It has no purpose, yet it still exists...even though the existence is to simply wander and feast...it still exists. [b]Might I be so bold as to propose that [s]its[/s] it’s purpose is to wander and feast?[/b] The shuffling creature stopped in it's mindless wondering. [b]How do you wonder mindlessly? I mean, is wondering a property of the mind?[/b] Something had caught it's attention. A scent. But not like any scent. [b]A scent that was not like a scent. You see, this zombie suffered from synesthesia, and so processed smells as other senses.[/b] It was a scent that it had not smelled in a long time. The scent of living flesh. And it was close. Oh...it was very close. [b]Is living flesh really all that rare? You could try hunting mice or… While we’re stopped here, let me tell you about how to use an ellipsis ‘…’ (Have I done this before? Eh, screw it.). Ellipses are technically used to indicate a space where something has been omitted, such as “Obama…killed…the…Speaker of the House”, where the original sentence was “Obama sadfaced when his proposed budget was killed by Republicans, led by the Speaker of the House” (how’s that for journalistic integrity?) However, this relegates my favorite punctuation mark to a mere time-saving tool, and it’s far more than that. It is often used to indicate where someone has trailed off, or paused in mid-sentence. In short, the ellipsis is the literary equivalent of the theatrical and cinematic (beat). It’s all about the silences – beats are the soul of both comedy and drama. Its length is malleable, but it’s never much more than a second or two. Go watch a TV show with tight dialogue like [i]Lie to Me[/i] or maybe [i]Monk[/i], and find the beats. Hell, watch a stand-up comedy act. Most of them can be boiled down to: “So the other day I was [something]…beat…[punchline]” for an hour. Uh, I was talking about something, right? My point was, that last sentence back in [i]his[/i] story (as opposed to my tangent), uses a poorly placed ellipsis, which should be replaced with a comma.[/b] The internal instinct took over, and the creature took off in the direction of the scent as fast as it could. It's twisted ankle slowing it down, but causing no visible pain. [b]That’s not a sentence. No seriously, it’s not. Those are both dependent clauses. But enough of me being a grammar [s]Nazi[/s] zombie. Previously, this was written in third person omniscient – the narrator new that the shotgun target had smelled something, and that it was something it hadn’t smelled in a long time and all that. Now we’re in third person limited, because the narrator [i]thinks[/i] it isn’t pained by the twisted ankle, but can’t actually tell one way or the other.[/b] The creature rounded a corner and slammed into a wall, not being able to fully control it's movements. [b]Am I supposed to laugh or…?[/b] It did not waver though. Instead, it pressed on. As it continued, it tripped over debris, lodged it's foot in a hole, and ran into another wall. [b]Zombies are dull…until they swarm. Then they’re mildly irritating.[/b] But it continued it's pursuit. The instinct would not let it stop. It had to have the source of the scent. It had to feast on the living flesh... Around another corner it came before finally running straight into a wall. Confusion did not come to mind. It had no thoughts. Only hunger. And ever lasting hunger. [b]But seriously, please explain how zombies are supposed to apocalypse-ify the world. They don’t seem much better than Goombas to me. I mean, imagine if a guy turned into a Goomba, and whenever he bit another person, they turned into a Goomba. The most exciting thing that would happen would be the 1Up you got if you managed to jump on them all. And Mario doesn’t even have a shotgun.[/b] The creature began to claw at the flat wall before it realized the scent was now coming from below. Without thinking, the creature dropped down and found a small hole. To small for it to get into, but the scent was coming from within, and it was driving it crazy. It had to have the source! [b]Ever noticed how the immortality of zombies is inversely proportional to how far into the apocalypse we are? Pre-End of the World they’d be able to slaughter an army of tanks (if such an army chose to materialize), but by Act Three baseball bats do the trick. Talk about Power Creep…[/b] That's when the scream was heard. In the small hole before the creature, a high pitched scream emitted... [b]A scream emitted…what? What did the scream emit? … [i]Oh[/i], you mean a scream emitted [i]from[/i] the hole…[/b] and it only drove the creature into a bigger frenzy. [b]“I once had a frenzy, and it was THIS big!”[/b] It slammed it's arm into the hole, reaching back as far as it could. The flesh was in the hole. It was alive. The creature had to have the flesh! It stretched even further, waving it's arm around madly, trying to reach in. It's hand ran across material that felt a lot like the material around it's legs. It was so close...just a little further... [b]Zombies do have one advantage they have never bothered to utilize. They could technically stretch out their limbs an extra few inches by dislocating a couple of joints here and there… …yep, just go ahead and picture a decaying zombie popping out its elbow joint.[/b] The creature flew away from the hole and landed on it's back. It was not aware of what happened...or how it happened. Only that it was hit by something cold and hard, but it still had to have the flesh! It looked up, just before trying to get back up, and spotted more flesh. Unbelievable! Two bodies of living flesh! Right here in front of it! There was still food afterall! [b]Afterall, Captain of the Third Legion of the Elven Patrol.[/b] That's when something caught it's eyes. In the living flesh's hands was something long and somewhat shiny. Could that have been what hit it on the shoulder only moments ago? The living flesh stood over the creature and lifted the object in the air. The creature started to get up, but never allowed it's eyes to leave the object as it began to descend. Down to earth...right to where it's head was. It no longer wanders the earth, shuffling around aimlessly until the instinct takes over. No longer does it run into things as it shuffles along. No, the creature no longer deals with such trivial things. [b]Now it deals with much more important things, like…uh…lying completely still. And…suffering the effects of rigor mortis.[/b] It's life...life with no purpose...is no more. [b]Zombies are dead. Well, undead.[/b] For it's existence has finally ended. [b]Does that make it…ReDead? Hm, well, that’s it for Chapter Prologue (as Crab Helmet would have it). I suppose I didn’t analyze the story all that much, did I? Well, it seems exactly like a zombie survival story would be…bland and uninteresting. I mean, seriously, why would I ever be scared of a zombie? Like ninjas, zombies are weak in groups – the difference is that as the numbers decrease, they don’t become any stronger. I mean, as long as I survive the initial rampage – where the zombies actually pose a threat – I should be fine as long as I don’t mind eating lots of canned beans. Incidentally, Word does not keep synesthesia in its dictionary.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtremeG Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 You made my ribs brake for rolling on the floor laughing :`D THis is gold! Oh and Okami reference FTW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted July 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 [quote name='Gailson' timestamp='1310850581' post='5361120'] You made my ribs brake for rolling on the floor laughing :`D THis is gold! Oh and Okami reference FTW! [/quote] Thanks. There's your rep, by the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted August 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 I have precision-nuked the spoiler tags as they seem to have succeeded in not working. [b]Growing Praise and Adulation: Episode 20: Charon[/b] [b]This is Yu-Gi-Oh – Honor, Death, or Glory by BrandonSparkman[/b] -Prologue- [b]I’m extremely original, so I call this Chapter Prologue.[/b] Everyone knows the story of the brave boy, Yugi Mutou. The boy who dueled his way into the status of "King of Games". Everyone knows how he has saved the world from evil, countless times. [b]Let’s see…Pegasus just wanted Kaiba Corp., so no world-saving there. Dub Marik wanted to rule the world with the power of the Pharaoh or something, but I believe the original Malik simply wanted to make the Pharaoh suffer. The Orichalcos arc didn’t actually happen, nor did Gozaburo Kaiba [s]nuking[/s] MIND-CONTROLLING the world. So actually I can count the number of times he saved the world from evil. Once. When he defeated Zorc.[/b] However, what nobody seems to know, what happened after his death. The Kaiba corporation had spent millions of dollars on the holographic technology that is used in Duel Monsters. However, in order to acquire more money, Kaiba's air to the company began to make deals with the military. [b]Thank you for flying Kaiba Air. Once we reach cruising altitude we will be distributing complementary in-flight refreshments and statues of Blue-Eyes White Dragons made out of solid gold. (That’s the long way of saying, “it’s spelled ‘heir’”)[/b] [b]The Kaiba Corporation was original a weapons manufacturer, but Seto specifically changed it into a gaming company in order to tap the lucrative portable hologram market. Kaiba hated the company’s military roots – that’s actually one of his defining characteristics. Even if he’s not around anymore, that’s as big a switch as PETA eating the hearts of bunnies.[link]Did Not Do The Research[/link][/b] With the help of the armed forces, the holographic projections that had made the monsters seem real had achieved a new level of severity. The cards were now real. Capable of taking lives if a duelist's Life Points dropped to zero. [b]“Captain, you’re trapped in the holodeck and the safeties have conveniently been turned off!”[/b] Some asked why the military would do such a thing. Their real motives were simple, yet surprisingly effective. They took the best duelist they could from Domino City, and made him duel against many of the World Leaders. [b]No…you’re not about to…[/b] The leaders, not being as experienced as the man chosen, had been knocked off, one by one. [b]THIS.[/b] [b]IS.[/b] [b]THE SINGLE.[/b] [b]MOST.[/b] [b][i]STUPID[/i][/b] [b]CONCEPT I HAVE EVER READ!!! EVER!!![/b] Eventually, the man they chose soon went insane. [b]EVER!!! I MEAN THAT! I cannot even [i]begin[/i] to comprehend how you could possibly consider attempting to fathom the idea of a concept remotely like something similar to a plot point disparately related to this one![/b] He challenged Japan's world leader to a duel, along with the military leader. They both accepted, like fools. [b]Um…yeah…that would be pretty stupid. To duel the world’s best duelist with their life on the line…[/b] [b]Did I mention this plot is absurd?[/b] They were killed, and the world broke into chaos. [b]Why? Had the world leader of Japan (Apparently, BrandonSparkman could not be bothered to even guess what kind of government Japan has. It just has a leader.) linked his heart to the world’s order? Honestly, that wouldn’t surprise me at this point.[/b] However, one company had arose from the rubble, with seemingly all the answers to the worlds problems. This company was known as [i][b]Styx[/b][/i]. [b]EPIC BOLDING AND ITALICIZATION[/b] They constructed many bases all over the world, the head building being in Japan. [b]How did they obtain the funds for this project? Where did they get the manpower? How did they go from not existing to being the dominant force in the world? These questions and more will not be answered on Yu-Gi-Oh – Honor, Death, or Glory!*[/b] [b]*Questions may actually be answered. But I doubt it.[/b] This company stole all of the Kaiba Corporation's technology, and gave the entire world a choice. Either they duel, or they die. Styx had also taken over the armed forces, forcing people to duel, or be killed. [b]How did a single company take control of the armies of every nation in the world? How do they keep the largest fighting force in history, made up of men and women with wildly differing beliefs, cultures, and ideals under control? How is it possible that BrandonSparkman divorced the [i]Yu-Gi-Oh![/i] universe even further from rationality than [i]5D’s[/i]? These questions and more will not be answered on Yu-Gi-Oh – Honor, Death, or Glory!*[/b] [b]*Yeah…they won’t be.[/b] Every year, thirty duelists are chosen to defend the honor of Duel Monsters. They must face the "Thirty Secretaries of Styx". If the duelists are victorious, Styx will rebuild more and more of society. If Styx is victorious, the cities around the world will be ravaged and destroyed. [b]Why? Even if we set aside this [i]stupid[/i] system, how does it benefit them to randomly blow up some stuff that already kind of got blown up (I assume – the world’s order was destroyed when Japan’s King/Emperor/Prime Minister/President/Oligarch/Chief/First Citizen was killed).[/b] Anyone who refuses to duel will be killed. To help duelists practice, Styx has installed duel systems underground. These systems will show the holograms, but not kill the loser of the duel. [b]How nice of the evil company that has taken the entire world hostage.[/b] [b]da f***?[/b] That programming is only used during the Tournament. Styx is also the only company that creates Duel Monster cards. Now, in the present, the chosen Duelists have been on a losing streak. One more loss, and Styx will kill everyone in Japan and the U.S. [b]That’s…a lot of people. I don’t think you could accomplish that if you emptied the entire world’s nuclear stock. But maybe they’ll do it…[/b] [b]…by dueling.[/b] If almost to give them a chance, Styx has released many types of new cards; Synchros, Tuners, and a very strange type of card, the Xyz cards. Hopefully, the next thirty duelists are victorious. [b]Japan[/b][b] is a constitutional monarchy where the power of the Emperor is very limited. As a ceremonial figurehead, he is defined by the constitution as "the symbol of the state and of the unity of the people". Power is held chiefly by the Prime Minister of Japan and other elected members of the Diet, while sovereignty is vested in the Japanese people. Akihito is the current Emperor of Japan; Naruhito, Crown Prince of Japan, stands as next in line to the throne.[/b] [b]Japan's legislative organ is the National Diet, a bicameral parliament. The Diet consists of a House of Representatives with 480 seats, elected by popular vote every four years or when dissolved, and a House of Councillors of 242 seats, whose popularly-elected members serve six-year terms. There is universal suffrage for adults over 20 years of age, with a secret ballot for all elected offices. In 2009, the social liberal Democratic Party of Japan took power after 54 years of the liberal conservative Liberal Democratic Party's rule. The Prime Minister of Japan is the head of government and is appointed by the Emperor after being designated by the Diet from among its members. The Prime Minister is the head of the Cabinet and appoints and dismisses the Ministers of State. Naoto Kan was designated by the Diet to replace Yukio Hatoyama as the Prime Minister of Japan on June 2, 2010. Although the Prime Minister is formally appointed by the Emperor, the Constitution of Japan explicitly requires the Emperor to appoint whoever is designated by the Diet. Emperor Akihito formally appointed Kan as the country's 94th Prime Minister on June 8.[/b] [b]It also has a rather nice national anthem. Thank you, Wikipedia.[/b] [b]TVTropes has a page called So Bad It’s Good and So Bad It’s Horrible, but they do not have a page called So Horrible It’s Perversely Satisfying to Read. So let’s continue.[/b] Episode 1 - Brandon Lee, The New Kid On The Street! [b]The name’s Yuma!! Kattobingu daze, ore!![/b] Brandon awoke with a big yawn. He crawled out of bed, and over to his dresser. He sighed. "Well, my first day in Japan..hope someone can duel!" he yelled as he threw on some clothes. [b]…he…yelled it? That’s…odd. It’s like you’re taking silly things that shows do and turning them Up to Eleven…or, if you prefer, Down to Negative One.[/b] Brandon had originally lived in the U.S, where he stayed at a school for "The Gifted Duelists". Because of the rough area around there, the school moved to Japan. He was fine with it, because his father was born in Japan. [b]...but his family moved when he was three, and so did not speak a word of Japanese.[/b] His mother was born in the U.S. As Brandon finished tossing some clothes on, [b]CRITICAL PARAGRAPH BREAK FAILURE[/b] he made sure to grab his deck and Duel Disk. As soon as they were in his hands, he was out the door. He giggled as he was leaving, due to the moaning and groaning of his roommates. [b]…[/b] [b]I’ve missed the joke, it seems.[/b] As he was making his way down the dirt road leading to town, he spotted a cloaked man standing in the middle some dead leaves. [b]The man had killed them…[/b] [b]…by dueling.[/b] Letting his curiosity get the better of him, he walked over to the man. "Excuse me sir, are you alright?" The man looked up at him, managing not to reveal his face. "Brandon Lee, age 15, height; 5'8, weight; 160 Ibs". Brandon, startled, walked back a little. "H-how did you know that? Are you some kind of stalker?! If so, I have mace pal!" [b][i]Nature[/i], one of the world’s premiere scientific magazines, last year undertook a study comparing the accuracy of the [i]Encyclopedia Britannica[/i] and Wikipedia. As I could have told them, there was an accuracy difference of just 2%.[/b] [b]Wikipedia was 2% more accurate.[/b] he yelled at the man. The cloaked man revealed his arm, which had a black Duel Disk on it. "Oh, so you want to duel? You could have just said that..", said Brandon as he jumped back and activated his Duel Disk. The man did the same. "I'll go first", said the man, seemingly more aggressive now. [b]I’m a huge Wikipedia supporter, but even I wasn’t expecting that. I’m curious to see what words my teachers will use to brush this off. If you’re an exceptionally arrogant prick who hates fun and puppies, I already know you’re going to point out that encyclopedias in general shouldn’t be relied on for research. But you know what? Shut up. Yeah.[/b] Man: "I summon Dark Resonator in attack mode. Next, I'll place one card face down and end my turn". [b]DUELDUELDUELDUEL[/b] [b]I’ve told you some time before: I love duels. I really do. So anyone with a duel strikes gold when it comes time for me to look over their story…or they would, except that people aren’t very good at constructing duel. This will be different, I’m sure. After all, in this world, the entire world’s population trains to be the best duelists possible, and with so much riding on the outcome, they’ll use well-constructed decks that…[/b] Brandon: "Alright, here it comes, my draw!" He draws his card, and looks carefully at his hand. "I'll activate Mystical Space Typhoon from my hand to destroy your face down. Now, I'll summon Space Marine Flamethrower Squad in attack mode!" Three, tough-looking soldiers in Red Armor appeared wielding Flamethrowers. "Now, attack his Dark Resonator!" The soldiers all fired their guns at the same time, blanketing Dark Resonator in flames. Man: "I activate his effect, allowing me to prevent him from being destroyed by battle". Brandon: "That's fine, but you still take damage" Man: "True.." - Life Points drop to 3800- Brandon: "Now, I end my turn". [b]...or not. Good job with that blind MST there, mate. What was the card he hit, anyway? I’ll assume it was actually a Toy Magician he set their for lulz.[/b] Man: "I draw". Checks his hand. "I'll summon Celtic Guardian in attack mode. And now, I'll tune my Dark Resonator with my Guardian!" [b]“I summon the Agnostic Celtic Guardian!”[/b] [b]“I don’t know what to believe!”[/b] Brandon: Thinking- "Oh no, I've heard of this...its a Synchro summon" [b]Script format…I like it. And by like, I mean inb4[s]pika[/s]kyubey[/b] Man: "Now, come forth, Black Rose Dragon!" A large Dragon covered in purple rose petals appeared. "Attack and destroy his Flamethrower Squad!" Brandon: "Ah crap!" -Life Points drop to 3100- Man: "That ends my turn". Brandon: "My draw!" Draws a card, looks at it, and grins widely. "I activate Monster Reborn to bring back my Flamethrower Squad" Man: "Like that'll do anything.." [b]“How could a monster that can be Tributed for a summon or an effect, or used for a Synchro or Xyz Summon, and may or may not have a useful effect [i]possibly[/i] help you get out of this situation?”[/b] Brandon: "And now I'll sacrifice them to summon Ulti Marine Ryucule!" As the men in red armor vanished, a large soldier wearing blue armor, seated in a stone chair appeared. "He has 100 more attack points than your Dragon! Now, Ryucule, attack his Dragon!" The soldier stood up from his chair, and delivered a crushing punch to the Dragon's face. [b]What was most impressive was how you -1’d yourself, Brandon. “Gifted Duelist”? More like…not…gifted…duelist…[/b] Man: "What?!" -Life Points drop to 3700- [b]“I never anticipated that he would summon a monster with 2500 ATK! This is absurd! I knew I should have gone with Scrap Archfiend!”[/b] Brandon: "That's the end of my turn" Man: "Fine, my draw!" he yelled as he drew another card. He looked at his hand and, with much anger, shook his head. "I end my turn". Brandon: "No moves? Oh well. My draw!" He drew his card, and smiled yet again. "I activate the effect of Space Marine Chapter, Ulti Marines from my hand, which allows me to special summon it from my hand!" Many, many soldiers appeared, all sporting similar armor to Ryucule. "Because of this, however, their attack drops to 1900. But, that's still enough to wipe you out! Now, Ulti Marines, attack him directly!" Man: No..no...no! -Life Points drop to 1200- Brandon: "Now, Ryucule, finish him off!" Man: Nooo!!! -Life Points drop to 0- [b]L. O. L.[/b] [b]The man had five cards in his hand. [i]Five[/i]. It’s probably not even statistically [i]possible[/i] for him to not have a move.[/b] Brandon closed his Duel Disk. He looked over and, shockingly, the cloaked man was gone. All that remained were two cards that stood where the man did. Brandon walked over and picked up the cards. "Dark Resonator and Black Rose Dragon..huh..I guess I'll hold on to them", he said as he shoved them into his deck. [b]“Yes…I shall honor his memory by taking his cards. And by putting Black Rose Dragon in my Main Deck, just as he would have wanted.[/b] He continued on down the road, pondering who that man could have been... [b]Who was this mysterious man? Why did he have Celtic Guardian in his deck? What other cards were in his hand? These questions and more will not be answered on Yu-Gi-Oh – Honor, Death, and Glory!*[/b] [b]*Well, I imagine he tells who the man is.[/b] [b]No, I will [i]not[/i] review Chapter Two. I think my opinion is clear, but I will take this opportunity to indicate the problems I [i]didn’t[/i] mention:[/b] [b]* Word usage failure, badly worded sentences.[/b] [b]*Script formatted duel (And not even proper script formatting. Go figure.)[/b] [b]* The main character’s name is Brandon. The author’s name is BrandonSparkman. I’m going to be so bold as to present the hypothesis that this main character might possibly be some kind of self-insertion.[/b] [b]* Space Marines? Really?[/b] [b]More than 99 percent of the population speaks Japanese as their first language.[2] It is an agglutinative language distinguished by a system of honorifics reflecting the hierarchical nature of Japanese society, with verb forms and particular vocabulary indicating the relative status of speaker and listener. Japanese writing uses kanji (Chinese characters) and two sets of kana (syllabaries based on simplified Chinese characters), as well as the Latin alphabet and Arabic numerals.[/b] [b]Besides Japanese, the Ryukyuan languages, also part of the Japonic language family, are spoken in Okinawa; however, few children learn these languages. The Ainu language, which is unrelated to Japanese or any other known language, is moribund, with only a few elderly native speakers remaining in Hokkaido. Most public and private schools require students to take courses in both Japanese and English.[/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.