Dr. Cakey Posted November 18, 2010 Report Share Posted November 18, 2010 [size=7]Breaking News!![/size] [b]An independent making-up-numbers by renowned moderator and person PikaPerson01 has confirmed the structural, visceral, and ecumenical differences between Phantom's Divinations and that one review topic I made when I was still ticked off about the name-change from Grow-Up Bulb to Glow-up Bulb.[/b] [b]Growing Praise and Adulation is guaranteed to come with [size=7]10%[/size] more minor nitpicking [i]and[/i] bitching about style. That's right, it's like getting two bonus things in one bonus thing![/b] [b]*The bitching about style and minor nitpicking used in Growing Praise and Adulation is hand-grown by unpaid Mexican immigrants. They are delicately transported in our eco-friendly fleet of smog-belching cement mixers. After being sprayed by pesticide-cide, they are hand-tossed through a cascade of water, and chopped in midair by failed samurai. Each minor nitpick and style-b**** is carefully screened by a trained team of interns, before the company founder and professional review-smith Dr. Cakey painstakingly drinks coffee in the same room as a bunch of Oompa-Loompas who throw together the review.[/b] [b]WARNING: These reviews are processed with the same machinery that processes peanuts and dairy products. If you suffer from allergies, please videotape any amusing reactions and/or deaths caused by reading our reviews, and send them to us.[/b] [size=6]The GPA Menu:[/size] [spoiler='Schooling a Noob']This is Duel Academia (Chapter One) by King. Duel Academia [b]Oh, this does not bode well. This person is clearly attempting to emulate the Japanese Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. A laudable goal, to be sure, but he has made a fatal error. Duel Academy is not called Duel Academia in the Japanese version, and anyone who has even a mild understanding of how Japanese works would understand this. Unfortunately, most subbers don’t have an understanding of how Japanese works, so this is not entirely King.’s fault.[/b] [img]http://i53.tinypic.com/oa9frr.png[/img] [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKw7Ta-Xo7Q&feature=related"]Morning Theme[/url] [b]You’re giving us background music? That’s...odd. I had that idea for my as-yet-unreleased fanfic, but I decided not to when I realized it was pretty stupid.[/b] “Okay that makes it twenty Monsters, fifteen Spells and five Traps perfect! [b]Am I the only person who took English class? “Okay” is it’s own phrase, so it’s separated from the rest by a comma. “Perfect” should be its own sentence. And what makes 20:15:5 the perfect ratio? We’re in a Trap-heavy format, you know, although I’m sure whatever the name of your not!Jaden is, he’s in his own meta.[/b] That equals to exactly forty cards!” Thomas said as he finished counting up all the cards in his deck. [b]“Equals to”? It is at this time that I feel I should point out that one of the best ways to iron out awkward dialogue is to read your work aloud. Also, you realize that by determining the ratio and quantity of cards in the deck right here and now, not!Jaden can’t have any random situational crap? Whatever, I’ll talk about how anime duels work once we get to one, because I’m sure we will.[/b] Thomas turned to his bedside table and grabbed his deck box and placed his deck of cards inside it. [b]Thomas is not!Jaden’s name, then. How informative.[/b] Thomas then pocketed his deck box and opened his bedroom door and closed it behind him. [b]Yes, I know his name’s Thomas.[/b] Thomas continued walking through the hallway until he reached the stairs. [b]Okay, his name’s -[/b] Thomas [b]In the words of double_c4: “ENOUGH!” You’ve started four consecutive sentences with “Thomas”. Pronouns are good. Very good. A name gets old in two uses – pronouns can be repeated often as necessary without being redundant. Of course, if you also have four consecutive sentences in [subject] [verb] format, then things get dull and repetitive and bad.[/b] Thomas climbed down the stairs and walked over to the kitchen. He saw his mother cooking some food. [b]Really? Really? You have successfully conveyed in five sentences – FIVE – what could be done in one. Observe: “Thomas put his deck in his pocket, ducked out of his room and down the stairs, and walked into the kitchen.” And the hell is “food” anyway? When you come down to the kitchen, do you think to yourself, “oh, mom has a food in the oven”? I don’t. Maybe Thomas has been sealed in his room the last fifteen years and has never been exposed to anything other than gruel by his abusive parents?[/b] “Good morning Thomas, would you like some breakfast before you head off to the Duel Academia?” Thomas’ mother asked him and placed some Toast on a plate. [b]Where do I start? First, this isn’t dialogue, it’s a mini-monologue. Second, this is formalized dialogue – Stephenie Meyer made that mistake a lot. Notice “would you like” and “head off”. Third, she puts some toast – ‘scuse me, Toast – on a plate without waiting for his answer. Fourth, toast is usually not cApItAlIzEd.[/b] “I suppose I could have a bite to eat before I head off sure.” Thomas pulled up a chair and sat on it while his mother placed a plate close to him. [b]You don’t need “sure” (which should have a comma to set it off) since you already have “I suppose”. And what else was he going to do with that chair? Kill his mother with it?[/b] “It seems like only yesterday when your brother Joe headed off to Duel Academia.” [b]“Who’s Joe?”[/b] [b]“Oh, I never told you about Joe? We locked him in the bedroom next to yours.”[/b] [b]“That explains why you both named him and identified his relationship to me.”[/b] Thomas looked to his side he always had a hatred of his brother much like most siblings do. [b]I’m part of the loser single population, but I’m pretty sure my brother doesn’t become the sole focus of my RAEG until after he, say, kills my entire clan in a single night. Why yes, I did make a [i]Naruto[/i] reference.[/b] The only thing they had in common was the fact that they dueled and looked similar. [b]Not all brothers look similar, you know. Does Thomas hate Joe because he’s different?[/b] Other than these facts they were two very different people Joe was popular, mostly because whenever he had friends over he would use Thomas to make himself look tougher. He would do this by pushing and sometimes hitting Thomas when mother wasn’t in the room. [b]Wait, so Joe is popular because he hits Thomas when he has friends over? You mean if I had a brother, I could just like have a friend over and then kill him, and I’d be set for life?[/b] Thomas became bitter because of this and hasn’t had too many friends, nor cares about having them. [b]He became bitter, which caused him to not have many friends and not care about them? Look, Joe doesn’t seem very nice at all, but I don’t envision it as causing Thomas to become a depressed shut-in. Maybe Thomas’ isolated life locked in his room has caused him to develop a fragile mental state.[/b] Thomas then grabbed the piece of toast and walked out the door his mother attempted to stop him but it was too late he was already out the door. [b]Thomas must walk fast. What happened, did he start running, his mom tried to stop him by diving in his way, but he ninja-dodged and escaped into the fresh air, no longer bound by his evil captors?[/b] Thomas opened the gates then shut it and walked along the path of the street he was in, it was a nice neighborhood good neighbors no vandalism, no graffiti it was all so perfect just the way Thomas liked it. [b]You were writing this sentence in such a way that you were about to veer left and suddenly Thomas was going to be all “soceity sux there all puppet ppl dancign 4 teh man”…and then he comments on how lovely and idyllic everything is. Well aren’t you boring, Thomas.[/b] Thomas started eating the piece of toast his mother had made for him and continued walking for several minutes until he reached the city. Thomas only lived a few streets away from the city so he could walk there in little time. [b]Wow! That was completely unnecessary because…[/b] 5 minutes later [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbfN0Q_h364&feature=related"]City Theme[/url] [b]Yes, now we get another theme.[/b] Thomas had made it to the city however despite going to the city several times before he had no clue where the Duel Academia was. Fortunately he found a city map which had its location on it. [b]It’s probably the giant building with the four primary-colored domes that dominates the skyline. Probably he only dreamed of going to the city while he gazed longingly out of his bedroom at the skyscrapers towering in the distance.[/b] “Good the Academia isn’t too far away I should be able to make it there in less than 10 minutes.” [b]I would make a joke about him talking to himself, since that’s pretty ridiculous, but then I decided that was much too obvious. So I’ll take the opportunity to say that numbers should be spelled out, and you could always note in the description that it was only a few minutes away.[/b] Thomas said and began walking north. Shortly after he began walking he could see another boy who looked two years younger than Thomas who had a troubled look on his face. “Can I help you?” Thomas asked the boy who looked up at Thomas still looking troubled. “Oh yeah I need help do you know where Duel Academia is? I’m lost and don’t know where it is.” The younger boy asked Thomas. “Why yes I do, I’m heading there myself.” Thomas replied which made the young boy happy and relieved. [b]I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that Thomas becomes friends with this not!Syrus.[/b] “Could I walk there with you? I seriously don’t know where to go and I don’t want to be late.” The young boy pleaded with Thomas. [b]Because that’s totally the way people talk. This is actually below average dialogue, even though everything’s spelled right, which leads me to believe this person doesn’t actually know how to use words, they just hit F7 and prayed.[/b] “I guess so, what’s your name if you don’t mind me asking?” Thomas asked the boy. [b]Neither one of us wants me to rewrite every line of dialogue, even though I probably could. What’s with all these weird dangly bits on your sentences like “if you don’t mind me asking”? Usually you append something like that if you ask a personal question. These are kids going to the same school. Knowing the name would be useful.[/b] “The name’s Leonard Reynolds but please call me Leo!” Leo replied. [b]Did you just say “The name’s Leonard Reynolds”? From now on, I will picture not!Syrus (or rather, Leo) as George Bush. “The name’s Leonard Reynolds. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, ma’am. I am deeply grateful for your help and support in our War on Te’r.”[/b] “Okay Leo, my name is Thomas King nice to meet you.” Thomas said and offered a handshake to Leo, which Leo accepted. [b]Or you could just say, “they shook hands.”[/b] “We better head off now or we’ll be late.” Thomas said breaking the brief silence. [b]I kind of envisioned them walking as they talked, since that would be natural to do.[/b] “Yeah let’s go!” Leo said sounding much more optimistic and motivated then before. [b]Yeah, he’s Syrus. He’s already almost licking Thomas’ boots.[/b] 10 minutes later [b]I think it’s time to point out that “[X] minutes later” is a bad way to transition. You could just say something like, “When they got to teh d00l academeeeyah”[/b] [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxO3jSNb6bk&feature=related"]Duel Academia Theme[/url] [b]Just so we’re all clear, the soundtrack for GX sucked.[/b] Thomas and Leo walked up to the Academia both were in awe of its beauty but Thomas was more in awe than Leo was. [b]Presumably because he had never seen the outside world before.[/b] “C’mon Thomas let’s go inside!” Leo said excitedly as he tugged at Thomas’ shirt urging him to move. “Oh that’s right the Academia, we have to go inside to sign in.” Thomas replied like he wasn’t paying attention to anything Leo said. [b]Wow, he’s…pretty seriously in awe of this building. I mean, Duel Academy looks pretty cool, but come on.[/b] “Well duh.” Leo paused. “Dumbass” “You call me that again and I’ll snap your frigid little neck you got that?” Thomas shouted but Leo slapped Thomas across the back of his head. [b]Frigid? Am I missing something.[/b] “Oh you did not just slap me you little bastard.” [b]It’s pretty clear that you’re only adding in swears because you think it makes the story better.[/b] Thomas shouted and Leo started running towards the Academia. “HEY GET BACK HERE!” Thomas shouted and ran off after him. “WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE SH*T!?” Thomas shouted as he entered the building which caused some shock on some of the teachers’ faces that were standing in the hallway. “Uh-ha, I didn’t mean you guys…” Thomas said with an embarrassed look on his face. Thomas walked passed by the teachers who each gave him a bad look not the best way to start the year. [b]“Walked passed by”? Forget dropping an s-bomb in front of the teachers and learn how to English first.[/b] Thomas eventually reached the sign in desk at the end of the hallway, next to the desk was a door which Thomas wondered what it was for. Thomas made his way over to the desk and saw a sign in sheet with a pen attached to it. “Please sign in.” the receptionist told Thomas. [b]Thomas had, of course, never seen a sign-in sheet before, and was confused as to exactly what all the names meant.[/b] Thomas looked at the sheet and saw Leo had only just signed in which gave him a wide evil looking smirk. ‘I’ll get you back soon Leo just you wait.’ Thomas thought while he signed his name on the paper. [b]Just so everyone’s clear, Thomas has instituted this hatred of Leo because Leo called him a dumbass. Not that I don’t already want Leo dead, particularly since he sanctioned the torture of dozens of innocent people. Wait, that’s not Leo…[/b] “Please go through the door and to your left you will find a door, go through that door and the Duel Field will be straight ahead. The chancellor is going to address all the students soon so it’s best you hurry along.” The receptionist told Thomas, who followed the orders given and opened the door. Thomas walked down the hallway and eventually came across a door which had the words ‘Duel Field’ on them. [b]You know, I think you mean on ‘it’, not on ‘them’. Also this is stupid pointless filler.[/b] “Well that’s quite helpful.” Thomas said and opened the door where he entered what looked like an arena full of students. Thomas continued walking and could see there were four duel fields which could hold four duels at one time. [b]Wait, let me check your math. Four duel fields…two people per duel…forty cards in a deck…five cards in the opening hand…carry the one…don’t forget the Rule of 3000…resolve the wave function…one duel per field…yup, that comes out to four duels at a time.[/b] Thomas looked on in awe but was interrupted by Leo who slapped him across the head again which only infuriated Thomas even more. [b]Leo, this is improper behavior for a president! Although I wouldn’t be surprised if Bush was a not!Syrus in school. [/b] “I am going to kill you!” Thomas shouted and attempted to choke Leo [b]wut[/b] but was interrupted by a nearby teacher. “You two enough of this nonsense” The teacher shouted at both students. “You’re lucky I’m not going to expel you right now!” “Sorry miss.” Leo said. “Yeah sorry miss” Thomas said after Leo. “Now the two of you should find seats the Chancellor will be addressing you very shortly!” The teacher said and walked off. Thomas and Leo quickly found seats and both of them sat down. Shortly the Chancellor walked onto a stage that was in the middle of all four duel fields. Thomas could see a big widescreen which showed the Chancellors face. He had a huge smiled and had dark blue hair. Thomas thought he looked odd because he had never seen anyone with Blue hair before and couldn’t help but have a little laugh. [b]Now, you might think it odd that an anime character had never seen anyone with blue hair, but remember that Thomas never left his room. He’d probably be surprised about blonde people, too.[/b] “Hello and welcome to a new year! I’m sure many of you are familiar with the schedule and some of you don’t know what it is. [b]“In case you didn’t know, some of you know what the schedule is, but some of you don’t.” What a useful sentence.[/b] Well for those of you who aren’t aware you will each be given timetables shortly but first I think it’s a great idea to kick off the New Year with dueling! [b]Which raises the question: why did he mention schedules in the first place?[/b] On the widescreen you will each see match-ups between yourselves and Duel Academia staff. [b]Of course. The duel against an evil teacher. Nothing like this happened in the first episode of GX.[/b] This is a great way to see how you all pair up against staff members. Now let’s get on with the first match up.” The Chancellor paused and looked up at the widescreen. To be continued [b]Seriously. That’s it. My advice is to…I’m trying to think of something terribly painful for you to inflict upon yourself, but nothing interesting comes to mind. So my serious advice is to lrn2english and maybe make a chapter about one chapter long.[/b] [b]This is basically Yu-Gi-Oh! GX but “mature” and slightly worse. You could probably get a job as a 4Kids scriptwriter, though, King.[/b][/spoiler] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__gopid__4796164#entry4796164"]A Yu-Gi-Oh! Holo-novel[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4804442"]Z-ONE[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4812625"]Freely Associated[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__gopid__4815279#entry4815279"]Dethpicable[/url] BONUS: [spoiler='A Brief Lesson In Fan Service'] This is in response to the final chapter of Astro Dude's monumentally awful Return of the Dark Signers fic. Felt like posting it up here 4tehlulz 1. Don't do it. 2. Make it make sense. 3. Don't do it. 4. Don't make it too obvious. 5. DON'T F***ING DO IT.[/spoiler] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4819447"]The Room[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__gopid__4824833#entry4824833"]THE LAW![/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4829382"]I Don't Know What 2 Call This[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4852437"]Des Note (Part 1)[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4857650"]Des Note (Part 2)[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4871572"]I'm a Pisces...I Think[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4878858"]Between NEXUS and Hell[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4906770"]Screw the Rules, not the Editor[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4920805"]Roots[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__4947900"]Something Something Something Gay Clown[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__view__findpost__p__5044720"]Dead Wrong (Part 1)[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__st__40__gopid__5152701#entry5152701"]24/8[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/239669-fan-fix-tion-riffview/page__view__findpost__p__5180720"]Unity[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__st__40__gopid__5359644#entry5359644"]Tea-Time of the Dead[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation/page__st__40__gopid__5403396#entry5403396"]Charon[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation-on-episode-20/page__view__findpost__p__5443430"]Dattebayo!![/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation-on-episode-21/page__view__findpost__p__5456149"]Dude, Meta[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation-genuinely-pikaperson-acknowledged/page__view__findpost__p__5477617"]Dropping Fire[/url] [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/229254-growing-praise-and-adulation-on-episode-23/page__view__findpost__p__5506141"]Silver Psychiatrist[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The True Ace Attorney Posted November 19, 2010 Report Share Posted November 19, 2010 Well, you definitely have a point. A legitimate point. In every sentence. You're doing a good job, keep it up. You manage to be funny, critical, serious and sagely which is how all criticism should be. In my opinion anyway. Want to give my bit o' fiction a read? Link in sig. Not that I reckon anything'll happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 19, 2010 Report Share Posted November 19, 2010 [quote][b]Third, she puts some toast – ‘scuse me, Toast – on a plate without waiting for his answer.[/b][/quote] I don't particularly like this complaint, as toast takes a bit of a while to make, and she could have anticipated his answer to be yes. I mean, when my mother asks me if I would like to eat dinner, she doesn't do this while having nothing ready, and then go off to make it. And if not!Jaden didn't want toast, then the warmed up bread could have been for her, or brother Joe, or their presumable dad. I was more bugged that it needed a plate when he could have just grabbed it and eaten it along the way, which is what he ends up doing anyway. I'd be fine if you gave critiques to my fic (It's in my sig), as I find reviews of "I read it. Make your chapters shorter." to not be so helpful after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted November 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2010 [quote name='blue07' timestamp='1290138358' post='4794867'] [b][url=http://www.mbtshoesoutlet.org/]mbt shoes[/url][/b] takes people into the modern, health life with its fashion style, you can't have an outdoor climbing equipment, but you must have a pair of [b] [url=http://www.mbtshoesoutlet.org/]cheap mbt shoes[/url][/b] and [url=http://www.vibramfivefingersreview.org/]Vibram Five Fingers[/url] in your cabinet, where can get [b][url=http://www.mbtshoesoutlet.org/]discount mbt shoes[/url][/b] and [url=http://www.vibramfivefingersreview.org/]Vibram Five Fingers shoes[/url]. [b] [url=http://www.mbtshoesoutlet.org/]mbt outlet[/url][/b] can give you health in a low-cost, Vibram Five Fingers sale can give you free Breathe. [url=http://www.nikeoutletstore.org/]nike shoes[/url] is the well-known brand, [url=http://www.nikeoutletstore.org/]cheap nike shoes[/url] can't find out easily, Only in [url=http://www.nikeoutletstore.org/]nike outlet store[/url], you can get the admire in the heart of [url=http://www.nikeoutletstore.org/]nike outlet[/url]. [url=http://www.tiffanyoutlet.org]Tiffany jewelry outlet[/url] make e-commerce of [url=http://www.tiffanyoutlet.org]Cheap Tiffany jewelry[/url]. [/quote] kthx [quote name='GreatPriestCthulhu' timestamp='1290169214' post='4795215'] Well, you definitely have a point. A legitimate point. In every sentence. You're doing a good job, keep it up. You manage to be funny, critical, serious and sagely which is how all criticism should be. In my opinion anyway. Want to give my bit o' fiction a read? Link in sig. Not that I reckon anything'll happen. [/quote] Consider it done right...now. [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1290172246' post='4795256'] I don't particularly like this complaint, as toast takes a bit of a while to make, and she could have anticipated his answer to be yes. I mean, when my mother asks me if I would like to eat dinner, she doesn't do this while having nothing ready, and then go off to make it. And if not!Jaden didn't want toast, then the warmed up bread could have been for her, or brother Joe, or their presumable dad. I was more bugged that it needed a plate when he could have just grabbed it and eaten it along the way, which is what he ends up doing anyway. I'd be fine if you gave critiques to my fic (It's in my sig), as I find reviews of "I read it. Make your chapters shorter." to not be so helpful after all. [/quote] Now that I think about, you're probably right. That was a silly complaint. I guess it just felt like it was a serious question for whatever reason. Your fic should be next, by the way. And, here's Numbah Two: [spoiler='A Yu-Gi-Oh! Holo-novel'] Our next installment is Yu-Gi-Oh! Bound Through Blood by GreatPriestCthulhu. “Bloody thing!” SMASH! [b]Aw, and this seemed so promising. This piece of dialogue here should have its own paragraph and not be attached to the rest. Basically, dialogue should always have its own paragraph, excluding any “[X] said” business, or when two pieces of dialogue sandwich something. Easy mistake. No, my real problem is with this sound effect here. Literary types call this onomatopoeia. I believe the most advanced book I read with onomatopoeia in it was [i]Animorphs[/i]. Great, now I have to riddle this review with [i]Animorphs [/i]references.[/b] The top-most window of a three story building erupts Erupts? Hasn’t Crab Helmet already gone over this with you people? Stories are written in past tense. Unless, I suppose, you’re writing experimental literature. (Protip: ur not ritign expremental liturichur k?) into shard [b]The plural of shard is shards, or possibly shardz. Shard is not like moose, or…great, now I’m blanking on words that are the same singular as plural. Or are you conveying that the window erupt[s]s[/s]ed into a single shard of glass? Because then it wouldn’t really be erupting.[/b] of glass as a small metal box flies outwards from the inside. [b]Let me get this straight: the box (small and metal) flew out from the inside? You sure out flew [i]out[/i] from the [i]inside[/i], not [i]out[/i] from the [i]outside[/i]? Incidentally, I was hoping that present tense was just a one-time mistake, but it is not so.[/b] The metal box flies through the air and gets several meters from the house [b]It ‘gets’ several meters from the house? ‘Getting’ indicates an attempt, which is why dastardly criminals ‘get away’ with stuff. To substitute a synonym, the box “managed to fly several meters from the house”. But the box probably has no burning desire to leave. Of course, why am I complaining about this when I could just be ranting about a certain noun just a few words away…[/b] before it finally falls to the floor, [b]Now normally I’d expect it to fall to the ground, but I realize that this is actually subtle foreshadowing that this entire story is actually taking place in a holodeck and this is just an exceptionally bad episode of [i]Star Trek: Voyager[/i].[/b] it’s lock shattering to reveal a mass of Duel Monster cards. [b]The game is Duel Monsters, not Duel Monster. Did a plural noun kill your parents or something? For anyone who found the offensive, please substitute “kill your parents” with “steal your lunch money”.[/b] On the other side of the shattered window something rather somewhat similar is happening. [b]You mean another box is shattering to reveal Duel Monster card(s)?[/b] A man in his twenties, with black, elbow-length hair was punching one of the rather immobile brick walls that surrounded him in the large, empty, white room. Withdrawing his right hand in pain, keeling over and gagging, the young man begins to wretch violently. No, this is definitely nothing like a box shattering. In between the loud outbursts of violent choking the dull thud of stairs [b]Stairs don’t thud. Feet [i]on[/i] stairs thud, but stairs tend to keep to themselves.[/b] is heard on the other side of the stairs. [b]Is heard? How many times does Crab Helmet need to tell you? You aren’t writing a bloody screenplay! There’s no ten-billion megapixel camera with Dolby 5.1 (or whatever we’re on) surround sound and a built-in muffin button to dispassionately record the sound. Your medium is the [i]written word[/i].[/b] As the thudding gets louder the gap between the noises is decreasing in size as who or whatever ever starts running upwards. [b]I had to read this sentence about three times before I figured out that somebody was running up the stairs. Oh, and by the by, my mental picture beforehand had the stairs descending, not ascending. Thought you should know.[/b] Suddenly, the loud clicking of a lock is heard and a woman, who looked [b]There’s something odd about this verb. Oh. It’s in past tense, now. Look, if you pick a tense, please stick with it, unless you’re writing (say it with me) experimental literature. [/b] not quite as old as the gagging man and with hair cut fairly shorter than his and not even reaching past her shoulders, rushed into the room with a large metal bucket. [b]This is okay description, but maybe you should consider placing it in a more appropriate place. Say, not while a box of Duel Monster cards has flown out of the window, shattering a suspiciously fragile lock while a strange man suffers a bout of…something. Right now, I’m not even sure if this is real or we’re on a holodeck, so maybe you’re giving me too much to handle.[/b] Crouching beside the man and offering the bucket to him, she steps back quickly as he snatches it from her, bows his head over and begins to vomit horrendously. Leaving him to himself, the woman starts to leave until she notices the shattered window. Turning towards the now extremely pale green coloured man with a look of exasperated fury [b]Exasperated fury? This isn’t technically redundant, since exasperation and fury aren’t synonyms, but they’re close. It’s like describing something as a tan brown. You still have to pick one.[/b] she muttered with an extremely obvious tone of annoyance, “What is your problem?” [b]She wasn’t just annoyed, she had a [i]tone[/i] of annoyance. An [i]obvious[/i] tone of annoyance. An [i]extremely[/i] obvious tone of annoyance. If you haven’t figured it out, every word after ‘muttered’ is wasted space. And space is time, and time is money, so you’ve just wasted my money.[/b] As the man opened his mouth to answer her, his eyes open wide in shock and his face drains of more colour [b]It never drained of color. I distinctly remember it being green-colo(u)red. Don’t worry, I’m not so hopelessly American that I’m going to complain about that ‘u’.[/b] as he returns to vomiting in the quickly filling bucket. Shaking her head, the woman leaves the room, telling the man not to move. As she heads down the stairs, the man stands up shakily and heads towards the broken window. As he stares out he sees the woman bending over to collect the scattered cards. As she stands up and heads back inside, the man heads over to the wall opposite the door and slides downwards with his back to the wall. As he finally gets somewhat comfortable and no longer feels like vomiting, the woman walks into the room again, now with the small metal case of cards attached to her waist. [b]She has a magic Card Collector (TM) on her wrist? Usually I just put the cards in my pocket our something, but that’s me.[/b] Giving the man a stern look and sitting just in front of him. [b]To quote Foe Fiction #Somethingorother, This is not a sentence. This is a phrase, but it is not a sentence. It has no subject.[/b] The jeans she wore looked rather small and just barely reached past her knees. Coupled with the tight white t-shirt gave off the impression that she had suddenly grown to her size. Taking the mans hand [b]My Word dictionary appears to have a ‘mans’, but hell if I know what it means. Oh, you’re trying to form a possessive. Proofread, please.[/b] and staring into his eyes, with quite a bit of effort considering that his face was quite heavily veiled by his hair, she said quietly, “You need to calm down. I know it’s hard for you sometimes but you shouldn’t be throwing things through windows.” The woman slowly handed the metal case back to the man. As she did so, he sat silently and stared into her bright green eyes which were not remotely hidden by her blonde hair. [b]ohai u can see her eyez btw k?[/b] As he took the case he muttered a quiet “Thank you” and she stood up and left, he stared blankly at his reflection in the metal case. As he stared lifelessly into the case, a pair of dull, faded blue stared lifelessly back. [b]A pair of dull, faded blue…eyes? I’m going to say they’re jeans. Oh, and you doubled up on lifelessly there. Assuming these blue eyes are some kind of Evil Spirit of Evil and not just that his eyes magically turn blue when reflected in deck boxes, I’d expect them to be active.[/b] Half an hour later, he left the room and headed downstairs to the kitchen where a scintillating smell of bacon was lingering in the air and a sandwich lay on the table. Picking up the food and slowly ate the food. [b]That is…not a sentence. Also, a sandwich is not a food, it is a sandwich. Sandwiches are food, but they are also objects. Would I say that he picked up the object and ate it (and yeah, you doubled ‘food’, too)?[/b] Sitting down at the table that stood so proudly in the centre of the room, [b]The table stood proudly? First of all, tables are usually low, so they usually don’t stand. Pedestals stand. Besides, I’m picturing a pretty ordinary kitchen table – my kitchen table isn’t particularly proud. Do you think that because it’s the biggest thing in the room it receives the ‘proud’ property? Also centre lolBritish[/b] he turned his head up and looked towards the woman who was still waiting for her food to be ready. Clearing his throat, the man started a conversation. “So… How’s you’re day been?” [b]Just in case you assumed he was monologuing, it is helpfully pointed out that he is in fact beginning a conversation.[/b] “Just great,” she said with a heavy tone of sarcasm. “I’ve had to look after a violently puking twenty three year old, pick up his cards that he left laying around after a tantrum and now I’ve probably burnt my lunch.” [b]Did you burn the sandwich? Because I thought you said the bacon smelled succulent, not burnified.[/b] The way she spoke to the man probably would’ve been thought of as rude by others but he knew she was joking. [b]Lots of guys think that. These guys usually end up dead right after someone took out a big life insurance policy out on them.[/b] He knew her too well for her to surprise him with harsh words anyway. As she began to eat her probably burnt sandwich, she asked him, “What were you throwing metal cases around for anyway?” The man gave her a guilty look, similar to one a child might give if they’ve ripped a school uniform three days before term started. [b]Daw, I smashed a window and suddenly vomited. I’m such a stinker.[/b] “New job. Feeling a little nervous.” The woman gave a little laugh. “I think throwing metal cases through windows is a little more than nervous. Besides, what’s there to be nervous about? You’ve been promoted haven’t you?” “Doesn’t matter. I’ll still be treated the same. Nobody cares what you are after promotion. They’ll still treat you like you’re the new guy.” [b]Except when you can fire them. Then they tend to treat you with more respect.[/b] “Oh calm down. Look I’ll drop you off in five minutes. You can get your needles and head off on your job.” “Fair enough.” The man got to his feet and slipped on a pair of trainers. As he left to leave the house, he took a quick look in the mirror. He looked presentable. He didn’t look like too much of a homeless guy for there to be any trouble over it. [b]So he only looked slightly homeless? Does he look like someone whose home was just foreclosed (lolcurrentevents)?[/b] His baggy black t-shirt was matched in shabbiness by his dark green tracksuit bottoms. Putting a hand through his hair and pulling the hair from his face he thought that he’d at least get his needles. [b]wtf are these needles, anyway? I thought this was a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, not…well, the only things I can think of that use needles are tattooing and several forms of drugs. Oh, and sewing. None of these seem likely.[/b] As the woman shouted to leave, [b]It’s been five minutes already? Should I assume from now on that every two sentences equals about five minutes?[/b] the man left the house and hopped in the car waiting for her. As she climbed in and started the engine, she turned to him and said casually, “You’re looking better.” “Yeah.” He said back. “Bacon’ll do that to the dead.” Laughingly politely at his rather meagre [b]So [i]this[/i] is what ‘meager’ looks like in London.[/b] joke they drove off. As they turned a corner and headed onto the motorway that ran throughout New Domino, the woman turned back to him and said, slightly more seriously than before, “You are feeling better aren’t you? [b]Unfortunately, she failed to end her quotation, meaning that apparently every other word in the story was part of her dialog.[/b] “Of course. I’m not puking am I?” He answered casually. He brought the window down and rested his arms on the door. The wind felt good and the rushing noise put reality away for a moment. Five years ago, an epidemic broke out in the city. [b]He opened the window. Then, five years ago, an epidemic broke out. This is NOT. A. TRANSITION.[/b] A travelling man had contracted some form of flu and brought it in. It caused massive nausea in those that caught it and the vomiting that was brought around as a result was so severe that several hundred people died of dehydration. Fortunately the mortality rate wasn’t high enough to cause massive panic and the virus was somewhat treatable though not curable though even with the treatment it was still contagious and the forces that be made the choice to essentially quarantine New Domino. [b]So, 1) the mortality rate wasn’t high. 2) It could be treated. 3) It couldn’t be cured. 4) It was contagious. 5) New Domino City was quarantined. You probably could have used a comma or two.[/b] The city still functions as it always did but any outside trading is done through the government and as an incentive to keep the potentially dying population, the government regularly releases the treatment through different ways in order to keep the people alive. [b]This sentence doesn’t make sense. Am I missing something? Wait, is the government releasing the treatment as an incentive for people to stay?[/b] Most of the treating medicine is usually delivered through the general reports and research being performed on the illness but anyone with a job that holds a role in morale boosting activities that keeps morale up, going from television presenters to sports commentators to students at duel academy, are given medicine regularly. [b]Yes, because those are the most important people in society.[/b] Fortunately, the man thought, getting a job at one of these places or getting an enrolment in the academy was difficult due to the bad condition most people were left in. [b]Yeah, it’s a [i]good[/i] thing not many people can qualify to get medicine regularly.[/b] As the car arrived at the large white gates and a small hatch slid open on the station to their left and heavily covered head popped out and the woman begin searching in the glove box for something. [b]And then she found it and it was a thing and it was shiny and special. Incidentally, this is actually several incomplete phrases – there isn’t actually any sentence here. [/b] As she found what she was looking for and had shown it to the guard, the guard nodded and the getes [b]Getes? I thought you spell-checked this.[/b] opened. The man saw in the mirror of the car that she had flashed a badge with the words “Dr. Maria Legardo” deeply embossed upon it. The car drove up to the entrance to a large pristine building and Maria turned to the man and said, “Remember, the treatment station is the second left through this door. You should be able to find your way after you’ve been treated.” She leant [b]I’m pretty sure it’s ‘leaned’.[/b] over and hugged him. “It’s good that you got this. Really.” [b]Um…no s***? Now he can has get medicine, right?[/b] The man opened the door of the car and climbed out while muttering an embarrassed “Thanks.” before closing the door and leaving through the entrance of the massive building. As he headed down the corridor and into the room where the treatment was being administered through some rather large looking needles, he started to speak to the head doctor, [b]Who came from where, exactly? At least I get what the needles are for, now.[/b] but before he could start, he was being ordered over behind one of the many curtains. As he came through, he was immediately thrust down onto a chair by a rather disgruntled looking man. As the needle pierced his arm and the liquid in the needle was forced into his bloodstream, the male nurse pushed him out. Rubbing his arm, the man left the room, turned left and continued down the corridor until he came to a large locker room that was coated in a light shade of lilac. An announcement was made asking for free staff to report to the elevator. Walking at a slow speed after the signs that pointed out where “the elevator” was, the man took in little about his surroundings. It seemed like a rather bland hospital though with less dying people. As the man arrived at a much larger corridor he saw a large mass of metal that was presumably a large elevator for large things like helicopters or elephants. [b]Was that supposed to be a joke?[/b] As he approached the elevator he was given a badge, a duel disc and a deck of Duel Monsters cards. He stood slightly taken aback at this sudden action and sighed as the loud mechanical noise that was unmistakeably the elevator beginning its ascent began to emanate around him. As the elevator arrived at the top and searchlight flashed and targeted him. Suddenly the loud and extremely familiar voice of the Duel Monsters commentator burst into his head. [b]Don’t you mean ‘Duel Monster commentator’? Are you referring to him as familiar and stuff because we should be recognizing him as Mr. EVERYBODY LISTEN!!!!! (who I think might actually have a name) from 5D’s? And his voice did not ‘burst in the man’s head’, unless he was communicating telepathically, which I doubt.[/b] “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE YET ANOTHER ROADBLOCK FOR THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE! BUT THE QUESTION IS: WILL HE BE THE WALL THAT CAUSES THEM TO HALT IN THEIR TRACKS OR WILL HE SIMPLY BE THE SPEEDBUMP ON THEIR WAY TO GLORY?! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME… PROFESSOR HUGH ELDERRY!!!” [b]I feel like there’s some sort of joke I could make involving his name and elderberries.[/b] The lights in Hugh’s eyes dimmed and all around him he could see the cheering and screaming faces of thousands of duel hungry spectators. His time as a professor at Duel Academy had started with a public show of beating the hopes of enrolment out of a potential student. Woo… [b]Woo indeed, Hugh. This was at least adequately long, but I can hardly recommend this as much better than the previous fic. It spent most of its time in present tense, which occasionally quit to go sulk in a corner. And then there were the sentence fragments, and the over-writing, and so forth. You could probably get a job writing those choose-your-own adventure stories, since those are in present tense. I think Animorphs had two of those. I guess that’s my only Animorphs reference. And I didn’t really give my holodeck running joke any closure. Oh well. Computer, end program Cakey_2. [/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The True Ace Attorney Posted November 20, 2010 Report Share Posted November 20, 2010 Holy buggery of the sweet nunnery. You've pointed out a truck load of crap I've overlooked. And then I noticed another one. Thanks for doing that, gave me a right good laugh and pinned a note to my forehead reading "CHECK YOUR FREAKING WRITING!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 20, 2010 Report Share Posted November 20, 2010 [quote name='Dr. Cakey' timestamp='1290207957' post='4796164'] Your fic should be next, by the way.[/quote] [img]http://myfacewhen.com/images/183.jpg[/img] Uhh... if I may quote myself though, in regards to my own fic: "It's terrible because I don't proofread it. And I don't proofread it because it's terrible." So like... yeah! o_o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted November 20, 2010 Report Share Posted November 20, 2010 Yeah, my fan fic could use a review... link's in the sig. Any chance that you can write one for it anytime soon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted November 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1290227658' post='4796851'] [img]http://myfacewhen.com/images/183.jpg[/img] Uhh... if I may quote myself though, in regards to my own fic: "It's terrible because I don't proofread it. And I don't proofread it because it's terrible." So like... yeah! o_o [/quote] Done and done. [quote name='Admiral_Stalfos19' timestamp='1290239143' post='4797198'] Yeah, my fan fic could use a review... link's in the sig. Any chance that you can write one for it anytime soon? [/quote] NO BCAS I DUN WANT 2 BCAS I H8 JOOOOO! It's not like I have a long line of people begging to get ripped into by me. Of course I will. And now, for the next installment of The Suite Life of Dr. and Cakey! [spoiler='Z-ONE']Prologue: [b]The fact that you didn’t type “prolouge” basically makes this the best fanfic ever.[/b] We all knew the story. Sixteen years ago the world was a much harsher place. The cataclysm that had claimed so many lives. [b]I never knew sentence fragments were a serious problem. Even Sora falling into a bottomless hole with not end was a sentence. Maybe fragments should be my ‘thing’. You know, Crab Helmet has being awesome and ‘Said’. All you’d need to do is drop ‘that’ and this could be a perfectly serviceable sentence.[/b] The sky was enshrouded in darkness, the earth roared in pain, and the oceans twisted and churned. It was the darkest moment in human history. Famine, disease, death were all rampant and at every corner. [b]‘At every corner’? I can tell what you’re saying, it’s something about how famine, disease, and death were in all the corners of the Earth, but not only is it not worded right, it’s redundant, seeing as famine, disease, and death (F.D.D.) were already rampant. Kudos for that comma before that ‘and’, by the way.[/b] And then one day... it just stopped. [b]I think you want your dramatic pause right before the revelation that it stopped, not that it just stopped. On the whole, dramatic pause ellipses of death probably have no place in writing, but I do them, so that means it’s okay.[/b] The oceans quelled, the earth dulled, and once again the sun rose as though absolutely nothing happened. [b]The earth dulled? Was it all shiny before and you forgot to mention that?[/b] Those that were left were overjoyed, they had been sparred and it was time to pick up the pieces and begin anew. They had been sparred. You can’t ‘be sparred’, you can only ‘spar’. Yes, I am glossing over the fact that you meant ‘spared’. I know, you said (to quote) “It's terrible because I don't proofread it. And I don't proofread it because it's terrible.” [b]This looks like modesty, but just as English has apparent modifiers, it also has apparent modesty. You’re not proofreading because you don’t want to. Now you seem to be spell-checking, but that’s less than half the battle. For example, Word helpfully puts these little green lines under stuff it doesn’t like, and it’s wrong about half the time, but at least it’s a hint you need to read it over. Let’s make a deal: everybody read over your sentence once you finish it, ‘kay?[/b] They told us it was the day we were born, the very moment in fact. [b]The very moment, comma, in fact. People usually use too few commas. Commas are your friends. Commas were made in ZONE’s image, for anyone who’s still watching 5D’s.[/b] As if our presences had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth. [b]As if bla bla bla…what? As if your presences had had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth, they told us our presences had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth? Or is this supposed to be joined to the previous sentence, with a ZONE? And now that I think about it, how do they remember that they were told at the very moment they were born?[/b] We were their little angels, pure-hearted children destined to mark the end of suffering forever. If only they knew how wrong they were. [b]ZONEs don’t solve all of your problems, however. For example, you might want to say, “We were their little angels, [i]dash[/i], pure-hearted bla bla bla…” You have hooked me in, so congratulations. The end. Naw, here’s the first chapter.[/b] Chapter 1 – One Moment: "Is this it?" the dark haired youth looked over the table that spread before him. [b]As I said in my last review, you want to break after that quote.[/b] A lone box on the far right corner, pressed against the wall and wrapped in a bright blue paper. A simply decorated cake, with 16 candles haphazardly dropped in place, almost messing up the phrase 'Happy Birthday Dillon' imprinted on the cake in a blue frosting. [b]These are both not sentences. However, they’re descriptive fragments, which can be useful tools in writing. I happen to like them. However however, in this case there is no phrase joining them to the previous sentence, making it only tangentially indicated that maybe these are things that might be on the table. Oh, and that ZONE after “cake” shouldn’t be there.[/b] "I invited like... all the kids in town, and not one of them showed up?" [b]Wow. You suck even more than I do.[/b] "Now now Dillon," a kindly woman's voice addressed him. "Don't get upset over kids not liking you. After all, you've still got your mom and dad, right?" [b]He’s so unliked, even his mom doesn’t try to hide it. Oh, I just realized, you wove the character’s name very skillfully into the story by revealing the name on the cake. Because you did so, you don’t need to add the name onto this dialogue.[/b] She leaned down to his eye level, smiling politely, eyes closed at him. [b]How do you close your eyes at someone?[/b] Dillon crossed his arms across his chest and pouted, [b]Real men whine.[/b] a grunt of annoyance escaping. "Yeah yeah..." he said. [b]Forgetting, in his un-manly pouting, that “he said” should have a ZONE after it, not a period.[/b] "But you guys are legally required to love me." He smirked, running a hand through his hair. "I mean... you two are my parents..." a tone of uneasiness in his voice, as he spoke unsure of himself. [b]Woah, woah, easy there. Calm down, take some deep breaths. There’s a sentence in there. I think you’re trying to say too much at once in one line of between-dialogue. [/b] "But... not one of the other kids in this damn hellhole came? What do they have to do?" [b]I want to make a Detroit joke here, but I’ve never actually been there.[/b] "Dillon! Language!" she scolded. The dark haired youth rolled his eyes as he walked over to the candles. "Sorry, sorry..." he halfheartedly apologized. [b]The author is a reasonably intelligent person, so I think I can give some slightly more advanced advice. Of the three basic types of media (writing, films, and plays), only plays use dialogue as their primary method of conflict, and even then words must be cut ruthlessly. What I’m saying is that you could probably brush over this and simply say he half-heartedly mumbled an apology or whatever it is you kids do.[/b] "I think I have some right to be upset though." He took a deep breathe in before blowing out the candles. "Maybe I'll go find out what the other kids are up to." A devilish grin on his face, as he walked over to the door. [b]This is not. A sentence.[/b] "Dillon?" she called out, but before she could even stop him he was already gone. [b]I imagine so. If he wasn’t gone before she could (even) stop him, he would have been stopped, and therefore would not be gone.[/b] She sighed, before calling out. "Be back before sundown! You know how father and I worry!" --- Dillon Wasser casually strode through the forest, the crunch of foliage under his feet were ignored in favor to the sound of his own thoughts. [b]Since you already gave his name, it seems odd to have the story then introduce him to us. Also, I believe the phrase you’re looking for is “in favor of”.[/b] Sure, he loved his parents and knew they loved him, but since revealing him to he was adopted last week, he couldn't help but feel the relationship was rather strained. [b]The only movie you’re starring in is the one where everyone hates you! Directed by M. Night Shamylan! And the plot twist is…you’re adopted![/b] Not helped by the fact he was largely considered unpopular among the other teens his age. [b]‘Teens’ already establishes an age group. Pick a descriptor.[/b] Upset over the turn of events, his footsteps seemed to lead to him to the local river. [b]Look, Vegeta: the locals. (That’s my favorite TFS quote) Anyway, ‘local’ makes just about anything funny.[/b] A quaint, secluded spot where he'd be alone with his thoughts. Or so he thought. [b]That period above you (the one by right by the local river) could probably be a ZONE. That would make this a part of a sentence, instead of a fragment.[/b] Unbeknown to our dark haired youth, as his concentration was torn, he was being watched. [b]His concentration wasn’t torn. It was very specifically not being torn, since he wasn’t focusing on stuff around him.[/b] A raven haired beauty, in her mid 30's yet still looking exceedingly beautiful, spied on the youth as he casually threw rocks into the river. He seemed to be throwing it with a purpose, as though trying to skip rocks, or see how far he could his rock to go. [b]Hasn’t anyone told you to spell out your numbers? Which reminds me, you need to spell out the sixteen back up above.[/b] "You can skip rocks better on still water." she began. The sudden voice broke the young man from his concentration. "Wh-what!?" [b]“They all lied to me!”[/b] Looking around, he spotted her. She wore a tight, form fitting leather skirt and a rather revealing white tunic. There was a belt running from her right shoulder to just above her ample hips, typically a sign of someone carrying something with them, though from where he stood, Dillon couldn't tell what she brought. Her deep purple eyes looked the young man over, and when their eyes met his face turned exceedingly pink. "Uhh... y-yes?" he began, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment, feeling rather ashamed for looking her over so thoroughly. "The rivers current is much too rapid. You can't skip rocks over it." She smiled, breaking her intensely focused countenance, and now looking even more beautiful. "Ohh uhh... I knew that." Dillon hoped he hadn't been blushing too hard, as he wanted to make a good impression on the woman. [b]Dillon, uh, not be a b****, but she’s out of your league. And twice your age.[/b] "I was kind of just..." He had been practicing for the next time he saw any of those that he had invited, but he couldn't let the woman know he was so petty. "Just seeing how far I could throw those rocks. You know, amazing feats of strength and all that?" A nervous laugh escaped the boy, but the woman seemed unamused, despite holding the same smile. [b]Word wants you to put a dash between ‘un’ and ‘amused’, but I don’t mind.[/b] She slowly began walking up to Dillon, a hand over he head and behind her back. [b]Rumor has it you didn’t proofread because this story is terrible.[/b] Dillon meanwhile was still trying to think straight. "So uhh... you're not from around here right?" [b]ZONE to set off ‘right’.[/b] She continued walking, methodically. "I've never seen you before and yet... you look so familiar." She was now no more then five feet away, ignoring everything Dillon had to say. "I don't think I'd forget someone as... um... someone like you." At last, the woman spoke. "Is today your birthday by any chance?" [b]I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the woman is plot-relevant.[/b] Dillon blinked, perplexed by the question offered to him by the exceedingly attractive older woman. So focused on the question was he, he hadn't noticed the rather awkward position the woman was in, right hand reaching over her head for something on her back. "Yeah, how did-" Was all he could manage before he heard the sound of a sword unsheathing. "Woah!" The sound had caused Dillon to jump backwards. In the following split second, he saw the woman holding a long, elegant sword, striking where he had just stood. She took another step and another slash as Dillon continued scrambling backwards. In his panic, he hadn't noticed he had run out of land a while ago, falling into the river. He took a good lungful of water before trying to surface in a coughing fit. The woman meanwhile merely watched from the riverbank, still a cruel smirk on her face. "Enjoy the waterfall." She proclaimed, before calmly taking her leave. [b]Good mysterious villains always make sure to hope their extremely important and presumably dangerous targets fall over a waterfall rather than making sure they really die.[/b] Dillon, casually floating down the rapid currents had never attempted to swim through, however the roaring of a cascade was clearly audible. [b]Definitely not your best sentence. Oh wait...it's not even a bloody sentence! [/b] "Oh hell..." he muttered. The woman was correct, there was a waterfall, and he had precious little time to find a way out. [b]It could always be a small waterfall…[/b] ----- "Is this it?" the white haired blue-eyed youth looked over the collection plate after she had gotten it back. [b]I’ve noticed that the non-inept writers in this forum like using ‘youth’ to describe their characters. This makes sense, seeing as most main characters here are…youths. My advice is to discard any discomfort you have about excessive use of pronouns. Also, it’s valid to point out that ‘youth’ generally refers to a male, though I’m not sure if it must. [/b] A few silver and copper pieces looked back at her as the young lady in the robes. [b]Okay, I’ve got an idea that no one has ever though of before. I call it Dr. Cakey’s Super-Special-Awesome Drinking Game. Every time you see a sentence fragment, take a drink. [/b] Gathering the small metal pieces, she dropped it into a larger, locked box in the back. [b]Saying ‘it’ would mean she dropped the collection plate into the box, while I assume you’re referring to the coins.[/b] Seeing the large group of people gathering in the church, she had just assumed there'd be more contributions then normal, not less. [b]Be glad you’re tax-exempt. Oh, wait, this isn’t America, is it? Does this world have taxes?[/b] Amidst the soft lighting from the candles and through the stained glass windows, she looked over the large group gathering on the pews. Most of the typicals from the village were in place, but they were greatly out numbered by several, uniformly dressed people. Wearing long hooded, flowing dark maroon, brown and black cloaks our young lady couldn't particularly identify any of them, and the large group of 20 or so didn't do anything to identify themselves. Only one man among the group spoke, and they all had their hoods up, concealing a large portion of their face. They took their seats, and overall it felt a bit tense to the girl, but they couldn't exactly turn people away. After all, this was a church. [b]Two things. First, you’ve got a bunch of stray ZONEs. Second, spell out your numbers. Please.[/b] The sound of the door opening alerted the girl of a new entrant, however it wasn't her Father like she expected. [b]The parental role is not capitalized. The church role is, though.[/b] The man certainly looked like he could be her father's age, but he most certainly was not. An unfamiliar blonde man, a large scar from the top of his forehead, extending down towards the bottom of his left ear. [b]Take a drink.[/b] He wore a plain, unassuming cream colored tunic and regular trousers, with a pair of simple leather shoes. The only thing that stood out about him was the sword he carried on his back. [b]*cough*hint*cough*[/b] "Uhh..." began the girl, about to inform him to leave his weapons with her, but the intense expression on the older man's face made her think twice. He looked at her with scorn in his eyes, not saying one word before taking a seat near the back. --- Before long, the girl's father, the priest of the church, emerged and took his place at the head of the pulpit. His dark brown eyes looked over the group quickly, a full house, before he began. "Sixteen years ago, our world Was at an end. [b]I hope you don’t mind if I refer to the world this story takes place in as ‘Was’ from now on?[/b] The cataclysm that had nearly ended the world was rising, gaining in strength. [b]I’m not seeing it. Cataclysms don’t really rise or gain in strength, imo. Granted, things like storms can gain strength, but cataclysms don’t have many qualities other than sucking a lot.[/b] Our people had no hope until... that day." A twinkle in his eye as he looked at his daughter. [b]Of all the sentence fragments I’ve seen, this is the most tolerable, and might be acceptable if it was sandwiched between parts of dialogue. As it is, take a drink.[/b] He motioned towards the stained glass windows, a series of 9 [b]That movie sucked.[/b] colorful displays showing the story of the rise and fall of evil. "The cruel, all powerful demon lord Absolution had blanketed our world in darkness for a thousand years." [b]The Demon King of Evil’s name is ‘Absolution’? That’s not a name, it’s a word. A good word, granted, but a word nonetheless.[/b] A hideous monstrous apparition was displayed as the first along the windows. "But what absolution did not account for, was the five brave Knights and Dames of Kadasid." [b]Now Absolution isn’t even a demon – the quality of absolving itself failed to account for the Five Knights and Dames of Kadasid, separated from it only by an unnecessary ZONE.[/b] The next window displayed five brave and heroic looking warriors. They wore mostly white armor, along with colorful sashes around their belts. [b]So they’re wearing belts…and then sashes on top? Isn’t that kind of like wearing two belts?[/b] The white haired youth's eyes followed her Father's words, but something felt off. She had passed the windows a thousand times, had personally cleaned them too, yet for some reason the words felt... more real this time. [b]*cough*destiny*cough*[/b] She couldn't quite place it, but something about the window struck of chord of extreme familiarity to her, and not just because she had seen it before. "The ladies and gentleman of that most holy order of knights faced the harshest of trials, squared off against Absolution's most destructive minions." He motioned quickly past the next five windows. Each showed one of the previous mentioned knights in a heroic pose, fighting various threats. The youngest was fighting an enormous snake. The leader was fighting a dragon. The second in command had his sword implanted in a mythical, two headed dog beast. One of the knights was pictured about to charge against an enormous, giant cyclops. The last one had dove to the bottom of the sea and was fighting an enormous, multi-armed squid-like monster. [b]I’m sure fighting a dragon takes lots of skill, but frankly, fighting a kraken or whatever [i]while underwater[/i] is probably harder. I mean, how deep down do they live, anyway?[/b] Our female however had her eyes glued on one of them in particular. Something about it stuck out to her all of a sudden. [b]Not going to mention which one, of course. Because that would be [i]telling[/i]. [/b] "After completing the many trials that laid before them, our grand heroes ascended Absolution's palace and faced the demon lord head on." A direct confrontation between the dark monster from the first panel and the 5 knights from the second could be seen. [b]Oops. Did you just drop a ‘could be seen’?[/b] "And, in the end the Knights and Dames of Kadasid had expelled evil from our land. [b]You’re already in past perfect. Shifting to pluperfect now indicates this happened an even longer time ago. Why yes, I do take Latin.[/b] And our world had been prosperous ever since." The final window a display of a happy, peaceful landscape. "Our church is happy to declare one final thing. My darling adopted daughter, Mystral, the joy and light of my life made her way to us exactly 16 years ago today." He motioned towards the girl in the back of the room, eyes still glued onto the stained glass. The knight fighting the two-headed hell hound. [b]Take a drink.[/b] However, an unfamiliar sound and peculiar sensation soon engulfed her. It sounded like the sound of twenty or so men repositioning themselves, of old wood creaking as bodies moved to get a better look of something. [b]You’ve got two conflicting methods of phrasing here. It’s either, “It sounded like [x], like [y]” or “It was the sound of [x], of [y]”. Also, your use of ‘sound’ is redundant. [/b] The feeling she had felt, [b]Also again redundant. [/b] was one of having all eyes on her. She blinked, then slowly turned her head to her right. She turned to see the many men and women in the robes staring at her. Them along with the older man who took a seat to the back. [b]Take a drink.[/b] "Uhh... hi?" She blushed, awkwardly trying to wave. While the normal church attendants just turned back once they had gotten a decent look at her and tossed her smile, [b]You mean they tossed her some person named ‘smile’? Oh, you forgot your article.[/b] the robed group and the older man stared at her with a violent intensity, as though she had just delivered to them the greatest insult imaginable. [b]They’re just jealous because they weren’t invited to her sweet sixteen.[/b] Mystral looked the group over, but only the older gentleman really stood out. After all, he was the only one who's face was not covered. She felt a familiar feeling as she looked the older gentleman over. He calmly stood up, however the people in the robes quickly stood to follow. [b]That’s not a ‘however’ situation. That would be an ‘and’ situation. Oh hey, and ‘who’s’ should be ‘whose’.[/b] "Uhh..." Mystral seemed alarmed by all the sudden motion. Quiet whispers amongst the normal church attenders, before the leader at the pulpit, Father Vento spoke once again. [b]Word can’t see it, but take a drink.[/b] "My sisters and brothers, is their something the matter?" a tone of worry and confusion as the robed ones stood in a horseshoe formation around the older man and the young girl. [b]And another one. [/b] And as she looked the scene over, Mystral suddenly realized where she recognized the older man from before. She pointed an accusing finger at him "You're... you're..." then at the stained glass window. "You're one of the Knights of Kadasid!" [b]Hey, a genuine hook to lead us into the next chapter. In summary, this was…good. You seem to have a thing for sentence fragments and insisting that it’s not worth proofreading, but you’re wrong. Not proofreading is the only thing standing in the way of this being genuinely well-written. Well, that and about three drafts and some jaded, bitter authors (liek me) engulfing it in an ocean of red ink, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. <Insert Dr. Cakey Seal of Approval Here> Believe in NEXUUUUUUUUUUUUS![/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 ^Hey, better being ripped into than having bugger all feedback. I just posted the 5th chapter on it. Hope I haven't just given you more work =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted November 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2010 [quote name='Admiral_Stalfos19' timestamp='1290685412' post='4808999'] ^Hey, better being ripped into than having bugger all feedback. I just posted the 5th chapter on it. Hope I haven't just given you more work =/ [/quote] Nah, I only do the first chapter. If I'm curious I might do some kind of sexy redux episode some time. Anyway, hot off the presses, it's... [spoiler='Freely Associated'][b]I have a deep, dark secret. I’ve never watched [i]Shinzo[/i]. I’ve never even heard of it, actually. Of course, this is probably actually the second-most famous anime after [i]Dragonball Z[/i] and I’m just a shut-in even by the standards of fellow Internet-madbeasts. Needless to say, I am eminently qualified to review this.[/b] Over ten thousand years have passed since Lanancuras was finally slain. [b]Aw, I liked him. Wait, I have no idea who he is. I’m going to do some free association and assume he looks like Lando Calrissian wearing a cuirass and wielding a cutlass, since my free association exercise attached ‘cuirass’ to the sword before I corrected myself. [/b] The ruins of Shinzo were completely destroyed as Lanancuras and an Enterran Guardian by the name of Mushra did battle amongst them. [b]Well, that’s okay. I mean, they were already ruins. I think I’ll continue to free associate, so I’m picturing an Enterran Guardian as looking like Elemental Hero Clayman. Mushra is distinguished by wearing some kind of red oni mask (Hell if I know how I come up with this stuff).[/b] All there was left was a grave, marked by two twigs that were tied together to make a cross. [b]By now you folks have probably noticed I’m not doing my usual stopping-at-every-third-word-insulting-tense-choices-and-preposition-use routine, which would be useful to cover up the fact that I’m currently picturing Lando Calrissian and Clayman fighting. That’s because until now I haven’t seen anything wrong in terms of this. You want to say, “All [i]that[/i] was left” not “All there was left”.[/b] A two-man team of Kadrians was ordered to excavate these parts, in search for anything that their brethren could use. [b]Ooh, this is tough. I’m thinking Kadrians look kind of like Lizardman from Soul Calibur. Now that that’s out of the way, you just stated that there was nothing left but two twigs, and now the LIZARDMEN are trying to excavate ‘parts’. Are they excavating the twigs? [/b] The Kadrian Holy Order required more warriors so they could hold off the Enterran rebellions. [b]You can never stop CLAYMAN! … Wait a minute. You kind of jumped topics. Last sentence you were saying two LIZARDMEN were sent to excavate the twigs, now you’re talking about how they need more warriors.[/b] From there they could attempt to put an end to the war once and for all. [b]Slight error in phrasing here. They are (presumably) already attempting to put an end to the war. All you want to say is, “From there (ZONE) they could put an end to the war once and for all.”[/b] The first Kadrian was a perfectly humanoid Kadrian by the name of Zolarc. [b]I guess he was one of the rare mutant LIZARDMEN who could transform into a full human.[/b] He was clad in two-inch thick golden armor, and wielded an eighteen-inch sword. [b]You have any idea how thick that is? It’s…well, I’d say about two inches. Meanwhile, his sword is basically a Roman gladius – a perfectly good weapon, but everyone knows longer swords are inherently cooler.[/b] Zolarc was a noble warrior, who never backed away from battle, and rarely showed a single sign of fear. [b]Excessive ZONES detected. Here’s the thing. You are now taking the time to describe a character in excessive detail. Telling is really only useful to give us a physical image of the character (Which I’ve got. Zolarc looks like Garoozis (remember that alligator thingy Joey played?) even though you explicitly told us he was fully human in appearance.) or to quickly establish baseline traits so some reaction a character might make doesn’t seem patently ridiculous.[/b] His armor, despite being very heavy, barely slew him down when he pursued his enemies. [b]Erm…I’m going to let you work this one out on your own.[/b] However, since the Kadrians' task seemed only to require digging, Zolarc's sword was holstered and he had a shovel in hand. Scorokko, the second Kadrian, was not humanoid. In truth, he resembled a black scorpion: with a single large eye, mouth and pair of nostrils on his face, and a multitude of appendages inside each claw that acted as fingers. [b]So that’s what a Kadrian looks like. Pity I started this free association business, because he is officially a more manageably-sized Machine Emperor Grannel. Sorry. Anyway, you’re misusing “In truth” here. “In truth” means (and this gets a bit abstract) that what follows is a fact (generally lamentable) that differs from perceived reality. For example, “In truth, Pegasus was straight, and had been engaged to a lovely young woman named Cecelia before she exploded.”[/b] Scorokko was a physically powerful Kadrian, capable of knocking unconscious all the Enterrans he ever fought in a single blow. Unfortunately for his adversaries, he was also quick to engage combat. [b]To engage [i]in[/i] combat.[/b] Unlike Zolarc, Scorokko didn't need a shovel; he could dig with his bare claws. “Nothing,” Scorokko muttered, muscling his way through the earth, “There's not a damned thing in this wasteland but rock and gravel.” Scorokko turned, to notice that Zolarc hadn't dug a thing while he did all the hard work. “You know Zolarc, the King sent the both of us here for a reason,” he reminded. [b]*breakparagraphcoughcoughcough*[/b] “I know, Scorokko, I know,” Zolarc replied, “Seriously though, if you hadn't tried to dig all over the place, I'd have somewhere to start.” [b]Here’s what you do: you pick a spot. Then you dig. Not too hard.[/b] Zolarc scanned the surroundings for an elevated piece of land, as a signal that Scorokko might have missed a spot. [b]It took me a few seconds to puzzle this one out. Apparently, this one of this cartoon digging projects where everyone digs holes several feet deep, rather than Zolarc attempting to locate the vaunted HIGH GROUND.[/b] He saw nothing in the immediate area, but as he climbed up a nearby slope, he saw the grave in the distance. Shovel still in hand, Zolarc approached the grave. Zolarc never exhumed graves before then, since he preferred to show respect to those who have been buried. [b]Generally people don’t just go around exhuming corpses. It doesn’t pay very well. Oh, and “Zolarc never exhumed graves before then” is in the wrong tense. To indicate something past-er than what is already in past tense, you use a tense that I’ve mentioned once before – the pluperfect. It’s not hard. You just put ‘had’ before your already past tense verb.[/b] But he had to present something to the King of the Kadrian Holy Order. After a brief sigh, Zolarc looked down at the ground. “Damn the Enterrans for making me do this,” he said to himself as he drove the shovel into the grave. Paragraph break again. It took some time before Zolarc struck something solid, in which a clang was heard throughout the entire area. In which a clang was heard throughout the entire area? You’ve got multiple problems here. First is “in which” – the clang was not heard “in” him striking something solid. Second, you’re using passive voice (“was verb”), which is generally poor construction. And last, you’re indicating an observer to do the hearing – specifically a camera. If Zolarc heard it, it would be “he heard”, right? The simplest fix for this would be to do something like, “Zolarc’s shovel clanged against something solid.” Scorokko approached to investigate. “Hey, find anything?” he asked Zolarc. “I'm not sure what we have here,” Zolarc answered as he dug around this mysterious object, “But it definitely looks mechanical.” [b]Gah, I can’t see it. Are you sure it’s mechanical? I mean, what does it look like?[/b] “So how're we supposed to open it?” Scorokko continued, “Is there a button or a switch or something of the like?” [b]I guess Scorokko can’t see it any more than I can. While we’re here, let me remind you of what Professor Young Boy explained: you can’t replace ‘said’ with any synonym or half-synonym. This should be abundantly obvious, seeing as ‘continued’ might possibly seem to indicate a continuation of some kind, which Scorokko is not participating in.[/b] “I have a better idea.” Zolarc withdrew his sword and slashed down onto the glass, which shattered into a thousand pieces upon impact. [b]That couldn’t possibly have any adverse consequences.[/b] Inside was a corpse, of a girl who couldn't have been more than 17 years of age. [b]O.o I imagine this makes perfect sense to someone who actually knows what the hell [i]Shinzo[/i] is about.[/b] As Kadrians or Enterrans were slain in combat, their bodies would immediately transform into what looked like a card. These cards were of a rounded rectangular shape in the case of the Enterrans, or a hexagonal shape in the case of the Kadrians, and bared a portrait of the being that was slain in question. [b]Bared? You’re confusing the verbs ‘bear’ and ‘bare’. ‘Bear’ in the past tense is, of course, ‘bore’. Also, insert whatever crappy [i]Yu-Gi-Oh![/i] joke you want here.[/b] Though it was possible to resurrect Kadrians or Enterrans while in their card form, or absorb their powers while they were in their card form, the cards must remain intact in order for one to do so. [b]That’s a useful plot device.[/b] A single scratch could jeopardize any form of either action. If a Kadrian or Enterran corpse were to be destroyed before the transformation could initiate, the card would cease to exist. This was why corpses were a rear sight. [b]A rear sight. I love it.[/b] As a matter of fact, the locating of a corpse could only mean one thing; one has found a dead human. [b]Lots of fanfics make very odd constructions, like “the locating of a corpse”. Instead, you could say, “locating a corpse”.[/b] There was now only one human on the planet Earth for every two thousand Enterrans or Kadrians. [b]Did somebody take a census?[/b] There was an abundance of humans in ages past, but a meteorite had wiped out the vast majority of their population. As rare as human corpses were, they were no less likely to be discarded as stones or twigs on the ground. But the mechanical object that bared this corpse seemed useful. [b]Bore.[/b] Perhaps it could be the base a vehicle that could provide transportation. [b]All your base are belong to us.[/b] “Well, we still have the egg, machine… thing,” Scorokko mentioned as he sighed, “…what do we do with the human?” [b]Is this very clearly not-egg referred to as an egg by Scorokko (Grannel) because it looks egg-like? Hell if I know, since I still don’t know what this egg-corpse-machine looks like. [/b] “She might be useless to us…” Zolarc answered, “But she might prove useful to the enemy… somehow.” “I don’t know about that,” contradicted Scorokko, “Only thing I could think of is for food. I've heard of people eating human flesh as a delicacy, but…” [b]I use humans flesh as sacrifices to Crab Helmet.[/b] “Doesn’t matter!” interrupted Zolarc, “We’ll take the entire thing with us to Neo Shinzo. If we don’t find any food along the way, I might consider having a slice.” And so the two Kadrians trudged through the desert, unaware of whomever might be following them. Meanwhile, the excavation site was then occupied by what seemed to be a large group of beings; neither of Enterran nor Kadrian blood. [b]You’re reeling in your time structure. Just read over this a couple of times and work out what’s missing.[/b] One of these beings moved its way towards the exact location where Zolarc and Scorokko dug earlier. Nothing was there, not even the shovel the Zolarc carried with him. [b]I assume Zolarc’s shovel wasn’t there because he’d actually remembered to take it with him.[/b] “So,” determined the being, “The Kadrians had found Yakumo after all.” [b]Now here you[i] don’t[/i] want to be in pluperfect.[/b] This particular being showed no change in emotion, but the news he gave seemed to alarm the others. One of them slithered to what the being revealed as Yakumo’s grave. The one that approached seemed to resemble a giant shark with two arms under what looked like his dorsal fins, wielding a vast trident in one hand and a harpoon launcher in the other. Just by looking at this being, one would assume correctly that he was not to be trifled with. [b]It barely fits, but put an Aquaman joke in here if you want.[/b] The being that bared [b]Bore.[/b] the news looked more humanoid, but his body was purely of a gaseous material that was indigo in color. He also lacked any form of a face, which may have explained why he didn't show any emotion. For an unknown reason, his voice would always repeat itself, as if it were an echo. “What does this mean, master?” The shark-like being asked the more humanoid one, “Have we failed our mission?” “Not yet, Giamako, but we must make haste.” the other answered, “Yakumo’s body must be found if we Xorquasans are to revive Lanancuras. We must not fail.” [b]“We’re called the Xorquasans?” “Yes, we are.” “Thanks for the heads-up, boss.”[/b] Giamako now knew what he must do: track down the Kadrians and retrieve Yakumo Tatsuro’s corpse. He searched for footprints that might have been planted into the sand. There were few and far between, and they made minimal impact on the desert floor. However, Giamako did catch a scent in the air, the smell of sweat. Acting on instinct, he prepared to leave the area, but not before turning back to his master. “The Kadrians have gone to the south east of here.” Giamako told him, “They must be bound for Neo Shinzo. But that’s well over five thousand miles away…” “Which gives you plenty of time to intercept them,” his master responded, “And if they attempt to fight back, slay them and destroy their cards.” After receiving these orders, Giamako dove into the very sand that made up the desert floor, moving as if he were swimming through it. He was traveling much faster than the Kadrians could run. [b]You know those sharks in the Desert Realm in [b]Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks[/b]? Or those worms in [i]Twilight Princess[/i]? Yeah, those both make no sense. Sand is not like water – you can’t really swim in it. Even fish move better in air than water – that’s why dolphins leap. Meanwhile, I’m trying to imagine a five-thousand mile walk. That would take on the order of a hundred days…the generic war could be over by then.[/b] Who are these Xorquasans? Why would they want to revive Lanancuras? And how would they suppose Yakumo’s body could help? Find out on Chapter 2. [b]You never said if they wanted to revive Lanancuras. And I will not find out in Chapter 2, because I’m not reading any more. This is by far the best fanfic I’ve reviewed yet, but since I have zero familiarity with the source material, it was pretty much all lost on me. Let me just say here and now that anyone who writes a (good) [i]Code Geass[/i] fic will win as many Internets as it is within my power to bestow.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted November 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2010 Glad to see all the feedback. -.- [spoiler='Episode 5: Dethpicable']Duels against the Dark Signers I: Return of the Dark Signers. I’ve broken my usual blind-review rule, since I’ve actually read the first two paragraphs and two other chapters, and I can say this is a somewhat inaccurate title. It implies the Dark Signers return to bring destruction and awesome storylines to the world, while in truth they serve as punching bags for…well, you’ll see. On Mobius, [b]Where?[/b] in the year 3236, the Mavericks [b]Who?[/b] were learning how to Duel and the Robo-Tunes, robot clones of 5 cartoon characters, [b]wtf? [/b] learned the best combos of their powers in only a matter of days. [b]I acknowledge that Yu-Gi-Oh! is probably not as deep and complex as, say, chess or actual warfare, but in just a few days?[/b] They figured in order to beat their better halves, they would need the powers of darkness to enhance their own. [b]Everyone knows darkness < light. Even if you have the most broken monster in the game (let’s call it Wiraqocha Rasca, for example), you’re still going to lose out to some half-baked Synchro Monster (let’s say Savior Star Dragon).[/b] Robo-Daffy found something interesting. "The Dark Signers." said Robo-Daffy. [b]He just found the Dark Signers lying around? Or did he find a convenient description of everything about them on his way home from mispronouncing “despicable”?[/b] "Who they?" asked Robo-Taz. [b]Indeed, who they? I’m pretty sure the Tasmanian Devil doesn’t actually talk (though my knowledge in this area is vastly inadequate), so it would stand to reason Robo-Taz either doesn’t talk or is the most intelligent of the Robo-[s]Toons[/s]Tunes. [/b] Robo-Marvin explained: "The Dark Signers were the leaders of the army of shadows and their key cards were known as the Earthbound Immortals. [b]Gods. They are not the Earthbound Immortals. I don’t have a problem with most Konami of America-ication, especially for ease of reading, but is nothing sacred?[/b] 5000 years passed since their first battle and each Earthbound Immortal took possession of a human, willing or not. [b][b]Actually, all the Dark Signers were willing…except Rudger, I guess. Granted, most of them were deceived. [/b][/b] Each of them suffered their defeat at the hands of a different signer." [b]“A proper noun I can’t be bothered to capitalize.”[/b] "Once we have their powers we can prove to be better than our organic selves," said Robo-Daffy. "And we will be the most powerful soldiers in master Omegus' army." [b]Who?[/b] "But how do we find them?" asked Robo-Minerva. "Where are they now?" "They were resurrected in 7 humans. Only 5 were reincarnated but have no memory of ever being Dark Signers." explained Robo-Lola. [b]wtf? If you want ridiculous, awful, stupid pseudo-crossover action, just time warp them or something.[/b] "Then we remind them of who they were, beat them in duels and yank their powers right out of their bodies." Explained Robo-Marvin. [b]I would mock this, but…well, I think it’s pretty obvious why not.[/b] "We'll each take one. after the meet and greet." [b]The drinking game took a brief hiatus from the nigh-immaculately written Shinzo 2.0, but go ahead and take a freaking sip. [/b] said Robo Daffy. "I'll take on Grieger. Robo-Taz can take Devack, Robo-Marvin will battle Kalin. And I think it'll be interesting to pit blonde against the raven-haired. Wouldn't you agree girls?" [b]Definitely. That’s the sort of thing I think about when I decide who will duel whom.[/b] "Fine." said Robo-Minerva "But I want to take on Misty." "That means I'm stuck with Carly." said Robo-Lola. [b]Hey! She’s my favorite Dark Signer after Godwin. I don’t even know what you’re supposed to be a copy of, but get back you monster![/b] "Got a problem with that?" asked Robo-Daffy. "No." said Robo-Lola. [b]Now that’s sparkling dialogue right there.[/b] "Then let's move out!" shouted Robo-Daffy. With that, they head to the 5D's universe via a dimensional portal created by Cyber Peacock. [b]wtf?[/b] Devack was teaching at a university, [b]I guess I’ll run with that.[/b] but during his break, he was grabbed by a hand made of dirt and dragged under the surface of the Earth. Grieger was relaxing in his village, until a water gusher grabbed him and dragged him into a wormhole. Kalin was in Satisfactown [b]Do you think calling it Satisfactown is clever or what?[/b] but a thunderstorm came in and a hand made of lightning grabbed him. Misty was on a world tour but soon she was engulffed in flames. [b]Where the hell did that second ‘f’ come from?[/b] As she was burning, her molecules began to shift into another dimension. As for Carly Carmine, she was wondering why Jack hadn't picked up any of her calls. Then she was blown by the wind into a black hole. [b]You seem to be confused as to exactly what a black hole actually is, but that’s completely secondary to the fact that you seem to be taking perverse pleasure in subliminally ensuring the CarlyXJack subplot is as unresolved as possible. That makes me HATE YOU. … Even more.[/b] The five former dark signers were in a gigantic magic circle that reactivated trace samples of their powers. The white parts of their eyes turn black, their dark signs return, their clothes changed and thus, the Dark Signers were reborn. [b]Rarely are people able to juggle different tenses in the same sentence. Congratulations.[/b] However, there was something odd about the dimension they were in. [b]You mean, like, the fact that they’re in a ‘dimension’ in the first place?[/b] "Now that we have returned from the great beyond." said Dark Kalin "And Roman [b][/wrists][/b] appears to no longer be with us, I nominate myself as the new leader." "What makes you qualified to be leader Kalin?" asked Devack. [b]Like you have to ask: 1. Strongest Earthbound God in terms of ATK. 2. The laugh. 3. Infernities. 4. The laugh. 5. Dueled Yusei. 6. The laugh.[/b] "Hold on." said Dark Misty. "Girls are just as capable of being leaders as guys are." [b]See, by saying this, Astro Dude is actually subtly indicating his own misogyny. Isn’t that great? [/b] "That's right." said Dark Carly. "I think I would make a great leader." [b]You would, but the auther hates you. Seriously though, it’s like you didn’t even watch the show. Dark Carly was probably the second-creepiest Dark Signer (Kiryu, needless to say, earns top spot). [/b] "I was talking about me!" exclaimed Dark Misty. [b]Who knows what hilarity will ensue from this catfight???????[/b] Then Devack, Kalin, Carly and Misty began to forge Duel desks out of the darkness and duel each other for leadership. Before it started however the forces of nature interviened. [b]Yes, they interviened. It's like he spellchecked most of the story.[/b] "Welcome to you doom!"exclaimed 5 mysterious voices. [b]U Doom, Mordor’s state university. Wow, that joke sucks beyond belief. I’ll take this opportunity to explain how to format quotes: “When you have just one line,” do it like this. “When you have two,” you can, “do it like this.” When you have dialogue after some description. “Always break the paragraph. Since there are no indents, you are of course going to want to double space between those paragraphs, even though I didn’t here.” [/b] Then the way they came in was also used for the transports to their own demise. [b]Doesn’t this sentence just monumentally suck? Once you read it once or twice you get the meaning: the Dark Signers are warped out in the same fashion they were warped in. But still. Wow. And that’s all. Dreadfully short, hm? The sad thing is that this probably isn’t as bad as Duel Academia or even Yu-Gi-Oh! Bound Through Blood, but I hate it more than both of them. Burn, Astro Dude. BURN![/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 30, 2010 Report Share Posted November 30, 2010 [quote]Glad to see all the feedback. -.-[/quote] I read... some of your review of my story. o_o It hurt my felines. ;_; Nah, it's okay. If I actually gave a damn about anything I wrote I'd probably bother to proofread it. It's mostly a hobby, a hobby that I am terrible at. I had a few minor issues with your review though: - "Real men whine." Dillon's supposed to be a kind of spoiled whiney complainer, hence why there's a sudden lack of friends who want to go to his birthday. So uhh... spot on for picking up on that? o_0 - "Good mysterious villains always make sure to hope their extremely important and presumably dangerous targets fall over a waterfall rather than making sure they really die." - "It could always be a small waterfall…" It was actually a rather difficult to survive kind of a waterfall. It's subtly touched upon how he survived in the 'second' (or third?) chapter. ("it looks like the Gods of Water had taken pity upon you.") and should be confirmed in the third (or... eighth? ) chapter. - I’m sure fighting a dragon takes lots of skill, but frankly, fighting a kraken or whatever while underwater is probably harder. I mean, how deep down do they live, anyway? Ah, t'was merely a stained glass representation. Whether it really happened, whether it was a metaphor for something, or whether it was just something the church artist guy thought would look cool is left entirely up to the reader (and presumably characters in the story) to decide. ... But my biggest complaint was I didn't understand what you meant by ZONE (in all caps) in your review, probably 'cause I never bothered to read your other reviews if it's explained there somewhere. As for your latest review... [quote]Gods. They are not the Earthbound Immortals. I don’t have a problem with most Konami of America-ication, especially for ease of reading, but is nothing sacred?[/quote] Meh, sub-average complaint. The writer knows his audience, and knows that everyone on the site would know Earthbound Immortals were the AH-MUR-ICK-UH version of the Earthbound Gods. My biggest complaint on the previous story would be: The Robot Looney Tunes have time travel and dimension hopping powers, but they needed the powers of evil in order to defeat their not-Robot Looney Tunes versions. Okay. But it's also subtly implied that they [i]already have the Dark Signer powers to begin with[/i] since they give them to the Dark Signers before they duel them and take their powers away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted November 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2010 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1291075325' post='4819304'] I read... some of your review of my story. o_o It hurt my felines. ;_; Nah, it's okay. If I actually gave a damn about anything I wrote I'd probably bother to proofread it. It's mostly a hobby, a hobby that I am terrible at. I had a few minor issues with your review though: - "Real men whine." Dillon's supposed to be a kind of spoiled whiney complainer, hence why there's a sudden lack of friends who want to go to his birthday. So uhh... spot on for picking up on that? o_0 [b]No, you see, he pouted, when as we all know, manly men whine and whimper and make puppydog eyes.[/b] - "Good mysterious villains always make sure to hope their extremely important and presumably dangerous targets fall over a waterfall rather than making sure they really die." - "It could always be a small waterfall…" It was actually a rather difficult to survive kind of a waterfall. It's subtly touched upon how he survived in the 'second' (or third?) chapter. ("it looks like the Gods of Water had taken pity upon you.") and should be confirmed in the third (or... eighth? ) chapter. [b]I assumed it was a large waterfall, because most waterfalls and cascades not found in the real world tend to plummet a good hundred feet onto sharp rocks. My fencing instructor (for the, oh...two months I took fencing) supposedly had a friend with a shirt that read, "Happiness is a confirmed kill." Just about every villain ever could take that to heart. My point is that if there is some person, place, or thing that you really want dead, you usually make sure that person, place, or thing really is dead.[/b] - I’m sure fighting a dragon takes lots of skill, but frankly, fighting a kraken or whatever while underwater is probably harder. I mean, how deep down do they live, anyway? Ah, t'was merely a stained glass representation. Whether it really happened, whether it was a metaphor for something, or whether it was just something the church artist guy thought would look cool is left entirely up to the reader (and presumably characters in the story) to decide. [b]That wasn't a "zomg ur stroy sux bcas fitign a kraken is hrder den fitin a dragin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", I was just musing on the difficulties of underwater combat, especially against a giant, possibly fire-breathing, octopus.[/b] ... But my biggest complaint was I didn't understand what you meant by ZONE (in all caps) in your review, probably 'cause I never bothered to read your other reviews if it's explained there somewhere. [b]Oh, I introduced that right about...here: [quote]The very moment, comma, in fact. People usually use too few commas. Commas are your friends. Commas were made in ZONE’s image, for anyone who’s still watching 5D’s.[/quote] I got this from the Yu-Gi-Oh! wiki, of all places, which described ZONE's machine as "comma-shaped". Anyway, sorry if that wasn't clear.[/b] As for your latest review... Meh, sub-average complaint. The writer knows his audience, and knows that everyone on the site would know Earthbound Immortals were the AH-MUR-ICK-UH version of the Earthbound Gods. [b]NOOOOOOOOOOO! EVERYTHING MUST BE IN JAPANESE! SHOOTING SONIC! ABSOLUTE POWER FORCE! POWER PRESSSURE! Um...BREAST FEELERS![/b] My biggest complaint on the previous story would be: The Robot Looney Tunes have time travel and dimension hopping powers, but they needed the powers of evil in order to defeat their not-Robot Looney Tunes versions. Okay. But it's also subtly implied that they [i]already have the Dark Signer powers to begin with[/i] since they give them to the Dark Signers before they duel them and take their powers away. [b]Well, I didn't cover that in the chapter I reviewed, but apparently they just had some remnant of their powers kind of lying around. It's sort of like that ring of water you get under your mug, only there's a rational explanation for that, and there isn't anything approaching a rational explanation for the MYSTEEEEEEERIOUS REMNANT THINGY.[/b] [/quote] And here's another review! I just spoil u gaize. [spoiler='Episode 6: The Room'][size="6"]YuGiOh: Road to Glory[/size] Episode 1: “General” Electric [i]BEEP! BEEP! BEEP![/i] [b]I made a mistake in “A Yu-Gi-Oh! Holonovel” – the most advanced literature I’d read that used any amount of onomatopoeia was actually Pendragon. I still don’t freaking like it, though. [/b] Within seconds of the alarming screech, Scarlet opened her eyes. Not completely, but enough to get a look around. As quickly as she regained consciousness, a jolt of pain shot through her body, causing her to buckle forward, gasping for air. She could hardly move; it took her only a second to realize her hands were trapped, held down by the metal bars of the chair in which she was sitting. [b]That’s funny, I was expecting her to be waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, and going to Duel Academy. This is refreshing. Work on your paragraphing, though, kid. (You can't see in the review, but these paragraphs are ginormous.[/b] The last thing she could remember was sitting in the arena, joined by thousands of duelists from around the world, her eyes glued to the battlefield as the two Champions battled it out, to end their dispute and crown a new World Champion. [b]A bit of excessive capitalization here.[/b] But that was days ago. Despite the pain, she was able to move her head slightly, her once smooth, dark brown hair was now dry and tattered, after what must’ve been days of neglect. [b]How, pray tell, has she been able to ascertain that days have passed. Solid introduction of character description, by the way.[/b] Shaking her head and breaking the thought process, she was able to make out what looked like a flashing red light. With no other lights in the area, she couldn’t see anything; not even her own body. [b]Usually when it looks like a flashing red light, it’s a flashing red light. It couldn’t be anything other than intermittent red light.[/b] The alarming noise wasn’t an illusion; wherever she was, something was going on. [b]An alarm and an alarming noise are not the same, although an alarm can be alarming. Something that is alarming is frightening or terrifying and unexpected. An alarm, in modern parlance, refers to a real annoying sound indicative of s*** hitting the fan. [/b] There was no one here that much was for sure. [b]How could she be sure if she couldn’t see anything because there were no lights other than a (presumably dim or focused) flashing red light?[/b] But that didn’t mean their hadn’t been someone here before, and common sense told her that whatever the alarm was symbolizing had likely sent them away. [b]The alarm does not symbolize anything other than danger. The alarm is an effect of some unpleasant cause, like the building being on fire.[/b] She had to get out of here; there would be time to assess things later, but trapped in a remote location with no one around and the continuous warnings of the ever-so-familiar, at this point, alarm was not where she wanted to be. [b]Slow down a bit. You’ve squashed two or three sentences together here, which has resulted in some pretty awkward construction.[/b] Being only seventeen years of age and lacking muscle, powering her way out wasn’t going to be an option. She tried, multiple times, pulling as hard as she could to try and break the metal guarding, but to no avail. Panic began to overcome her, but she closed her eyes for a moment, blocking everything out, forcing it away. She looked up at the ceiling, her bright blue eyes scanning the room for any possibly exit, but it was impossible to see. Here’s a little nitpick with bigger implications. The trick to easing description is to not pile on too many adjectives at once. In this case, you have ‘bright’ and ‘blue’. Unless you cut ‘bright’, the reader starts admiring her dreamy eyes instead of panicking about being trapped in a dark room with an insistent alarm. Also, an impersonal narrator which we have here generally doesn’t color things with judgments like whether someone’s eyes are ‘bright’ or ‘piercing’ etc. [b] The word you’re looking for isn’t ‘possibly’, it’s ‘possible’.[/b] Wait. A quick glance toward the alarm showed what looked to be an opening in the wall, perhaps made by whoever brought her here in their attempt to escape the imminent trouble. [b]The other person smashed their way out? Really?[/b] Refusing to give up, she thought of her friends, her family, everyone. It brought her hope, but hurt at the same time, the mere act of thinking placing great pain on her already tattered body. [b]And then the camera cut to each of her friends, whose Signer marks began to glow, and then they all appeared on her back and she summoned Savior Dragon and…never mind. [/b] Holding back fear, she continued to look around, feeling helpless. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t get herself free, and even if she did, would her body be able to move itself enough, function enough to get out of here? Tacking onto that the fact that she had absolutely no idea of where she was and what had happened, and things weren’t looking great. Closing her eyes to focus, she curled her left hand into a fist, and pulled with all her strength. Sh*t! Her fist met the metal, making a huge cut in the knuckle of her middle finger, and she shot it back forward, drops of blood falling to the floor. She fell back in the chair, not bothering to pay attention to the pain. Her friends, they’d always called her the brave one, the one who would stand up to anyone and anything, whether it be a duel, or a fight, or anything. But here she was, trapped, alone, and helpless to save herself. You never think about the possibility of getting into a situation like this; you live a perfect life, only for something to happen on the fly, leaving you with nothing to do but sit, a pathetic, helpless shell of what you’ve been portrayed to be. [b]That’s a little existential, especially when she has no particular reason to believe she’s about to die or be trapped for all eternity. That alarm could just be that dumb fire alarm that goes off whenever somebody burns the popcorn. Right now I think I’d just be in the panic stage.[/b] [i]BOOM![/i] [b]omaigoditzasoundeffect[/b] Jumping back in fear as the sound echoed throughout the room, Scarlet hit the back of the chair again. Ignoring the pain, she looked around, breathing heavily. The alarm began to sound louder, and she started to put things together. Wherever she was, there were floors above her. She could tell from the noise, as well as the feint echoing of other alarms in the building. A feint is a false attack, meant to draw attention and defense away from the actual follow-up attack. If you’re especially good, you can even double- or triple-feint before going in for the kill. [b]Needless to say, the alarm was not feinting, it was faint.[/b] That meant a basement of sorts, meaning she was underground, which would make it all the more difficult to escape. [b]Her thought process: 1. Life is meaningless etc. etc. etc. 2. omaigodsoundeffect 3. I’m in a basement.[/b] Not in any way remembering the preceding events, the most she could make of it was that she had been taken here for one reason or another, and hurt, badly. But she wasn’t bruised; it was a different kind of pain. A shock, of sorts. That would explain her hair, as well as the tattered clothes. So what was it? Before she had a chance to think, she heard the sound a second time! Looking up, the ceiling began to crack, slowly, but faster than anything she’d ever seen in her life, all at the same time. She tried to move, but couldn’t.[b] The very fact that you stated she was trying rather heavily implies she’s also failing. It helps that we already know she’s trapped.[/b] “Please! Somebody help me!” Even yelling at the top of her lungs, she couldn’t even hear her own echoes. It was too late. The cracks began to expand even more, and the unforgiving stone made its slow descent toward her. This had to be a dream, right? It couldn’t be real – there was no way. But she knew it wasn’t; she’d taken everything for granted, never really taken the opportunity to appreciate anything in life, and now it was too late. Scarlet closed her eyes, bracing herself for the final pain she’d ever feel, just as the merciless stone shot downwards. [i]This is it! [/i] Just as the stone prepared to make contact, the young, no longer tough, no longer brave seventeen year old girl was ready for the worst. The stone inched closer and closer, [b]Er…if it’s inching, I probably wouldn’t be too concerned about it killing me.[/b] until suddenly, a rigorous bolt of lightning [b]Dictionary.com defines ‘rigorous’ as: severely exact or accurate; precise. In other words, that’s bad word choice.[/b] shot across the room, splitting it clean in half.[b] I’m not sure if you’re totally clear on what it would mean to split a room in half, particularly if this is a bolt of electricity. You’d need some kind of sheet of electricity or something.[/b] It shot through her as well, but there was no pain. The bolt became joined with others just like it, and they surrounded her, and soon she was surrounded, the stones falling the small, yellow beams of lightning keeping her completely safe from harm. [b]The stones falling the small, yellow beams…? BLARG PROOFREADING BLAAAAAGRGRGRGRGRRRRRRR![/b] She had no idea what was going on, [b]That’s funny, because I [i]totally [/i]get it.[/b] and the shock of near-death made it hard for her to think, but she kept her eyes locked on the ceiling, as the rubble continued to fall, only this time around her, as opposed to covering her in any way. It didn’t make sense – but at this moment, it didn’t have to. She was alive, or so she thought. I’m reasonably confident this isn’t foreshadowing, so it doesn’t make sense for her to question if she’s actually alive. As the last piece of rubble hit the ground, she breathed a sigh of relief. The alarm continued to sound, but she could no longer hear it; it wasn’t fear she felt now. It was love. Love for everything; love for the chance to live, for the chance to appreciate. Though overwhelmed by feelings, it wasn’t time to celebrate yet. The sky was clear as day, and since the building had collapsed, she could see the sunlight. [b]All you need is love…All you need is love…All you need is love, love…love is all you need![/b] The remote area - that had been an accurate guess. There was nothing around but desert and sand, and of course the rubble. As the lightning began to fade, the metal bars on the chair unclipped, and she pulled her arms toward her. [b]It’s kind of like those video game doors that unlock once you’ve killed all the enemies, rather than locking in order to trap you. Is there some kind of device in the chair that checks if the building has been utterly reduced to rubble?[/b] She had no idea what had just happened, what day it was, or what was even going on, but she was alive. She knew that much and that was enough. As the bolts of lightning began to vanish, disappearing into thin air, they formed a small, spherical object. It hovered above the ground, before falling into the rubble, and lightning up a small area. [b]LIGHTING. But actually, it wouldn’t really be ‘lighting’ so much as glowing, since this is daytime, and there’s already a conveniently placed sun to do the lighting.[/b] Curious, Scarlet got out of the chair, but no sooner did she stand that she collapsed to her knees, the pain taking its toll on her body. Nonetheless, she crawled forward, moving the small piece of rock out of the way to reveal a deck of cards. [b]Better than food, water, and shelter all put together.[/b] As she placed her blood-soaked hand on it, the sphere of light disappeared, and she almost lost her balance. Clenching the cards tight, she picked them up and slowly placed them into her pocket, any movement at all sending extreme pain throughout her body. As she struggled to stand, she brushed aside a piece of rubble to reveal a sign. NEO POWER PLANT – GROUND FLOOR The sign explained itself; it had been electricity, which is what she thought from the get-go. But electricity that saved her? That part didn’t make any sense. [b]My guess: She’s actually Batteryman Solar Cell![/b] Carefully, she stood, brushing her hair out of her face, and looked toward the opening in the wall. At this point, she didn’t have to use the opening; it’d been sealed. She could climb her way out through the rubble. But after what she’d just experienced, what was she to do next? And what about the cards? Nothing made sense. But she was alive. A good start, at least. To be continued... [b]Dun dun DUN! Well, this is awfully short, failing to introduce us to the story proper. But that’s really its only major flaw. I never thought I’d find a fanfic so solidly written. Congratulations.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 I love you all! Except for you. Yeah, that's right. You. [spoiler='Episode 7: THE LAW!'][b] This is Yu-Gi-Oh! Duelist Revolution by Haberdashery1. Episode 1 - The Duel Begins[/b] [u]Act One[/u] [b]Usually Acts are bigger than chapters. Just [s]sayin’[/s]Saiyan.[/b] It was a cold and wintry night. Twelve year old Harry McIntyre was looking at the ground as he ran towards the end of Ruin City. [b]Where to begin, where to begin. I think I’ll start by saying that twelve is young for Yugimonz. And over here, Ruin City appears to have an ‘end’. Aside from the fact that naming the place ‘Ruin City’ kind of [i]ruins[/i] your tourist trade, what kind of end does it have? A twenty-foot high wall? A deep chasm? A moat of lava?[/b] He was going to escape! He had always dreamed of escaping the homeless life. His role model was the legendary duellist Yusei Fudo, as he had lived in poverty for some of his life. [b]Yusei also believed in the power of good spelling, along with the usefulness of having dramatic camera angles when you draw. [/b] This city had always been in poverty. As Harry was running towards the connection into Deluxe City, [b]It seems naming cities after how nice they are is a trend. It’s like naming the home of zee robots ‘Robotopolis’ or something.[/b] he thought about his life after he had received a Yu-Gi-Oh card... [b]And the screen faded to a gently blurred flashback sequence. And I thought this game had a name within the story universe, like…Duel Monster, maybe? Duel Monsters, that was it.[/b] "I summon [b]Light Warrior (1500/ 1000)[/b] in attack position!" he shouted as he was sitting opposite his best friend, Derek. Derek had gone to live in Deluxe City, and Harry dreamed that he would be like Derek... [b]You need more than one card to duel, you know. And how did Derek get to Deluxe City? You’re indicating it’s not easy to do – otherwise Harry wouldn’t be ‘escaping’. [/b] Suddenly, he saw flashing lights skim the front of his face as an Officer got out of the car. He was called Truncheon, but not because of his weapons - it was because he had a Goblin Deck, and his trump card was very powerful. [b]Why, what does ‘truncheon’ mean? Am I out of it, or are you an idiot?[/b] "What are you doing, kid?" he asked. "I'm not a kid!" Harry replied. "I'm trying to escape!" [b]Whoa, did we leave the flashback already? That was fast. And, uh…you are a kid.[/b] "Really?" Truncheon asked. His muscular-like body [b]Muscular…like? Does that mean it only looked like he had muscles?[/b] was supported by his big head - literally! [b]Okay, take a deep breath and read this over. You’re saying his muscular (-like) body is supported by his head. Heads…don’t support much.[/b] He carried a bat in one coat pocket, and a deck in the other pocket of his navy blue officer jacket. He played Goblins, and had never lost a game. "If you win against me, then I will let you go into Deluxe City!" [b]How do you carry a bat in your pocket? Is it a fold-up bat? Anyway, this is classic Yu-Gi-Oh! re-re-interpretation. There’s a fine line between blocking someone’s way and challenging them to a duel and saying “hey wait d00l me pl0x”. Both are bad, but the second is worse.[/b] "Alright!" Harry answered, his boyish face gleaming under the moon. "I'll take you on!" The two duellists took their places in the duel ring. No-one was there, give or take a few cops. [b]A duel ring just happened to be right there? Or did they warp to the duel ring with forgetting-to-put-in-a-paragraph powers?[/b] Truncheon took out his deck and put it into his navy blue Duel Disk. He had a very powerful motive for winning - and, to him, he thought Harry was a simpleton. [b]He has a very powerful motive? Aside from the fact that motives aren’t ‘powerful’, he doesn’t seem to have much of a motive, anyway. It seems to be confined to, “I…am…THE LAW!!!” (Kudos if you got that reference)[/b] "Let's duel!" they both shouted at exactly the same time. [b]What a convenient coincidence. They do this in the anime for effect, but harping on it just looks bad. Obviously you don’t need to have each one say “letz d00l!!!!11111!” individually, just cut after ‘shouted’.[/b] (Harry: 4000) (Truncheon: 4000) [b]I’d personally prefer to have this formatted slightly more elegantly, but that’s the least of my concerns. Anyway, after six episodes, I can finally critique a duel. Let’s see how this turns out.[/b] [u]Act Two[/u] [b]Did I mention this ‘act’ business was kind of stupid?[/b] Truncheon drew his first six cards and smiled. "I summon my [b]Truncheon Goblin (1100/ 1800)[/b] in attack position!" He then placed a card face-down and ended his turn. [b]What a coincidence that his monster is named after him is named after the monster. Whatever, I think there’s something I’m missing. Now, let’s go over turn structure. In the anime (that is, the Japanese version, which I foolishly assume most people are styling these on), players follow this basic dialogue structure… 1. “My turn. Draw!” Obviously you can play around with punctuation and if you want to say “It’s my turn”, etc. 2. “I summon Kuriboh in Attack Position!” Duel dialogue should be sparse, so saying (for example) “my Kuriboh” is generally unnecessary. Try to remember to capitalize that which should be capitalized. 3. “I activate the Continuous Trap: Shard of Hope!” Variations on this would be, “I activate the Trap Card Half Counter!” or the sparse, “Activate Spell: Lightning Vortex.” For Speed Spells, I like, “I activate Speed Spell – The End of Storm!” omitting the article before ‘Speed Spell’. 4. “Go, Shooting Star Dragon! Attack Machine Emperor Wisel Infinity! Stardust Mirage!” Attack commands are going to have an excessive number of exclamation points. As such, you may want to contract to something like: “Shooting Star Dragon, attack Machine Emperor Wisel Infinity! Stardust Mirage!” 5. “I’m tuning my Level 2 Quillbolt Hedgehog, Level 2 Shield Wing, and Level 4 Debris Dragon.” I’m pretty sure this is how the pre-Synchro should be done, but there are some variations. Anyway, “Clustering wishes will become a new shining star. Become the path its light shines upon! Synchro Summon! Take flight, Stardust Dragon!” For best effect, the summon chant should broken up between the first and second verses, and then again between “Synchro Summon!” and the monster’s introduction. Don’t worry about going overboard here. 5. “I set 3 cards face-down.” Not much to say. 6. “Turn end.” Vary with “I end my turn.” Just, “I end.” Etc. And there you go, one gigantic wall of text.[/b] "My draw!" Harry shouted, "and I summon my [b]Light Serpent (500/ 800)[/b] in attack position!" "What are you gonna do?" Truncheon asked. "Shine me to no Life Points? That card is pathetic!" Ahahahaha…ha. Ha. Who wrote this? 4Kids? Oh. "Have you heard of a phrase called 'look before you leap'?" Harry asked in knowledge of what he was going to do. I should hope Harry knows what his monster can do. Oh, but that’s small potatoes, because Truncheon hasn’t done any pre-look leaping. If any is, it’s Harry, since he’s risking a weak monster against a stronger one and a face-down card. Not actually a high-risk situation, but by his logic it’s probably suicidal. "My monster has an effect! It can attack you directly - and I'm going to do that straight away!" Light Serpent shone into Truncheon's Life Points (Truncheon: 3500). ZOMG EPIC EFFECT! I’m not going to analyze exactly how the serpent ‘shone into’ his Life Points. "I end my turn!" Harry declared after setting 2 cards in his Spell/ Trap Card zone. Spell/Trap looks awfully unprofessional. Spell it out as Spell and Trap Card Zone if you’re going to. But really, I wasn’t concerned he was setting them in his Monster Card Zones. "I activate [b]Pot of Greed[/b]!" There’s some leeway as to exactly what cards should and shouldn’t be on the ‘anime banlist’, but Pot of Greed is a no-no, especially since Truncheon isn’t in a pinch – he has five cards in his hand. Truncheon declared. After drawing two cards, he summoned a second [b]Truncheon Goblin[/b] in attack, and revealed a Spell Card in his hand. "I activate the Spell Card [b]Truncheon's Effect[/b]! What kind of a card name is Truncheon’s Effect? Did Yusei ever play, “What Stardust Dragon Does”? No, I’m pretty sure it was called Shooting Star, and it blew stuffz up. Also, he didn’t reveal the Spell Card – reveal has an actual in-game meaning, unorite? Now, since I have two [b]Truncheon Goblins[/b] out on the field, they can both attack directly!" That…kind of sucks. I just realized, I don’t know what Truncheon Goblin looks like. The first one attacked directly, but Harry deflected it with a face-down [b]Magic Cylinder[/b] (Truncheon: 2400). [b]That’s it? Two cylinders appeared, one absorbing the attack and the other firing it back directly at the unprepared players is just ‘deflected by a face-down Magic Cylinder’? [/b] The second attack, however, was successful (Harry: 2900). [b]Thought about it a second or two more, and I realized that was a dreadful move. If it were me, I would have attacked Light Serpent instead to reduce his field presence and prevent it from performing a second direct attack. Ignoring the Magic Cylinder for the moment, that would have dealt 1100 + (1100-500) = 1700 damage, instead of the full 2200, a small price to pay for clearing away his only monster. The Magic Cylinder would have complicated things, but he could still have used Truncheon’s Effect - no, I’m going to rename that Truncheon Charge – another turn.[/b] After declaring that his turn was at an end, Harry drew a card, and summoned a [b]Light Warrior[/b] in Attack Position - however, he was not done. [b]Great. Just out of curiousity, what’s Light Warrior’s ATK/DEF?[/b] "I activate a [b]Double Summon[/b]!" he declared. "I tribute both my [b]Light Warrior[/b] and [b]Light Serpent[/b] in order to summon my [b]Light Goddess (2000/ 2100)[/b]! Due to her effect, she gains the combined attack of both monsters that I tributed halved!" [b]I was thinking, “hey, that’s not bad for an anime beatstick”, and then he said “halved”. Come on, it’s a two-tribute monster! [/b] Truncheon could only stare as [b]Light Goddess[/b] grew to one-and-a-half times the size of what it originally was, and the attack count increased to 3000. [b]Let’s see, that means 250 of its ATK came from Light Serpent, leaving 750 from Light Warrior, so Light Warrior had 1500 ATK. ‘Kay. Now, does it seem stupid to anyone else that Light Goddess got bigger when it got stronger. There were a few episodes of 5D’s in which this was the case, but it was a mistake. Very few monsters can get away with physically getting larger.[/b] "Now I attack your [b]Truncheon Goblin[/b] with my [b]Light Goddess[/b]!" Harry shouted, and the monster was vanquished after a surge of light depleted some more of Truncheon's Life Points (Truncheon: 500). Cheers went up as the three or four cops shouted for Harry. [b]Why are there cops cheering for Harry? I thought Truncheon…was…THE LAW! Anyway, I thought Truncheon had never lost a game. He’s getting steamrolled by a ten-year-old, which makes perfect sense IRL, but this is kind of silly. And why has his face-down proved totally useless?[/b] "Since my [b]Truncheon Goblin[/b] was destroyed, I can add any card of my choice from ym Deck to my hand, apart from another copy of the card - and I choose the Spell Card [b]Power of the Goblin[/b]!" [b]So you can add any card except another “Truncheon Goblin”? That’s not broken at all. It would make more sense if it let you add a “Goblin” card or a “Truncheon” card to your hand. [/b] Now it was truncheon's turn, [b]Capitalization?[/b] and as he drew, he activated a Trap Card - [b]Call of the Haunted[/b]! [b]Okay, that explains why he didn’t activate it.[/b] This revived his recently destroyed monster, and then he revealed another face-down. [b]He uh…doesn’t have any other face-downs. Nice.[/b] "I activate my [b]Truncheon's Retreat[/b]! Now I return both [b]Truncheon Goblins[/b] on the field to my Deck in order to Special Summon my trump card!" [b]Then it’s not really a retreat, is it? I’ll call it…Truncheon Trump.[/b] Cheers went up for Truncheon. "Come out! [b]Mega[/b] - [b]Truncheon[/b] - [b]Goblin (2500/ 2000)[/b]!" A lumbering giant of a monster appeared before Harry's eyes, causing even his [b]Light Goddess[/b] to cower in fear - but the terror wasn't over yet! [b]No terror yet. Right now it’s weaker than Light Goddess.[/b] "Now I can Special Summon all [b]Truncheon Goblins[/b] from my Deck as possible!" [b]All goblins as possible. Nice. Real nice. Anyway, still no terror.[/b] harry had hoped he wouldn't see them again after Truncheon's returning them to the Deck - but all three of them appeared before his eyes! [b]omg there atk is 2 hi tehy cen kil sangen[/b] "My [b]Mega Truncheon Goblin[/b] gains the combined Attack of all three [b]Truncheon Goblins[/b] on the field!" The Fusion monster grew in size, as its attack increased from 2500 to 5800! [b]It’s…not a Fusion Monster. You indicated it was just stored in the deck. Anyway, at least it can gain a decent amount of ATK, even though it depends on three weak monsters to do it.[/b] "I attack with him!" [b]Light Goddess[/b] was trampled by the monsters foot (Harry: 100), but Truncheon was going to be kind for a turn. "I know you'll lose next turn, so I activate my Spell Card - [b]Power of the Goblin[/b]! Now I gain Life Points equal to half the Attack of one monster on my side of the field - and I choose my [b]Mega Truncheon Goblin[/b]!" A blue aura appeared around Truncheon as he regenerated in Life Points (Truncheon: 3400), and he declared the end of his turn as more cheers erupted for the officer. [b]No. No no no. This did not happen. He did not just decide to give his opponent a bye. You, sir, officially fail.[/b] [u]Act Three[/u] [b]Adding acts doesn’t make you look smarter.[/b] "I need a good card now!" Harry shouted. "What was it a former King of Games said? That's right! Truncheon!" Harry finally shouted. "You'll lose this turn!" [b]Did he say that? Uh…he probably did, but that’s hardly Yugi’s catch-phrase or anything.[/b] "Will I?" Truncheon asked in the thought that he would win in the next turn. [b]I can’t decide if I want him to draw Dark Hole or Hinotama. EDIT: Made a mistake, forgot about him gaining Life Points from Power of the Goblin.[/b] "Yeah!" Harry answered. "I'll use the heart of the cards!" [b]Go, Destiny Draw! This let’s me randomly add one of three pre-selected cards to my hand instead of drawing normally. Someone should write a fic where a character needs to topdeck but they know what the top card is and it won’t help (maybe it’s Horn of the Unicorn), but they win by using the Destiny Draw feature. Hilarity ensues.[/b] As he thought about his next card, he drew... "Yes!" he shouted as he saw the card. "I activate [b]Pot of Greed[/b] to draw two cards!" [b]With this draw, he has two cards in-hand. That’s enough to pull of a victory without drawing more.[/b] After drawing the two cards, he noticed one of his best cards among them - [u]Power of the Light[/u]! "Now I activate a Monster Reborn to revive my [b]Light Goddess[/b]!" Its attack was restored, but Harry wasn't done yet. He activated his [b]Power of the Light[/b] straight from his hand. "I halve my monsters attack! Now what happens is that I draw. When I draw a monster or a spell card, I can discard it to attack you directly!" [b]Light Goddess[/b] halved in size, and Truncheon looked shocked. [b]I can’t believe he played a perfectly balanced card![/b] Cheers went up for Harry, who now had the upper hand, and Truncheon sneered at them. Harry drew his first card. "I draw a [b]Light Serpent[/b] and discard it immediately!" Truncheon was struck with a blow from [b]Light Goddess[/b] (Truncheon: 2400). "I draw a [b]Light Warrior[/b] and discard it immediately!" [b]Oh…this keeps going until he draws a non-monster/spell. Das broken.[/b] Another blow from [b]Light Goddess[/b] (Truncheon: 1400). "I draw a [b]Valley of the Light[/b] and discard it immediately!" yet another blow from [b]Light Goddess[/b] (Truncheon: 400). Time to draw a card. To Harry, it was quick. To Truncheon, it was slow. He set it. "I drew a [b]Magic Cylinder[/b]," he announced, and there were groans in the audience. "I end my turn!" Harry finally announced. [b]oic u want 2 draw it out [/b] "Finally!" Truncheon shouted. He just changed all of his monsters to defence, and ended his turn. [b]That makes his Mega Goblin more vulnerable, doesn’t it?[/b] Harry drew a card. It was [b]Solar Ray[/b], and set it. he ended. [b]Phew, so he wins now, good -[/b] Truncheon just drew and ended. he knew that it was some kind of Trap - but he didn't know what. [b]Why didn’t Harry activate Solar Ray?[/b] Harry drew his card, and smiled. "I activate my face-down Trap Card - [b]Solar Ray[/b]!" after revealing a [b]Light Child[/b] in his hand, Harry had been declared the duels' winner. [b]Solar Ray inflicts damage based on the number of LIGHT monsters on the field, not in the hand. He didn’t need to wait.[/b] Truncheon looked in shock as Harry walked away. he had actually been beaten. "No! You can't walk away!" he shouted. "You live here!" [b]A child winning at children’s card games?????????[/b] "We had a deal," Harry replied. "I win, and I can leave. I lose, and I can't... [b]But you did win, so why put what you do when you lose second. You WON! Be HAPPY! God I want to strangle that kid. Was this bad? Yes. It seems after so much Foe Fictional abuse, people are finally spellchecking, but it looks like this wasn’t done in Word, since some sentences haven’t had their first letters capitalized. And that was a horrible duel. That was pretty damn bad.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 [quote]Great. Just out of curiousity, what’s Light Warrior’s ATK/DEF?[/quote] 1500/1100. It's mentioned earlier on. Edit! Also!: [quote]My fencing instructor (for the, oh...two months I took fencing) supposedly had a friend with a shirt that read, "Happiness is a confirmed kill." Just about every [b]villain[/b] ever could take that to heart.[/quote] Ahem... *cough* I feel the same way. It is the mark of a truly evil villain to confirm a person is dead. Likewise, someone who is not all too villainous but actually may have a slight bit more of a heart then they let on would be less inclined to confirm a kill.... Do you agree? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 Just read Chapter 7... I see what you mean by a horrible duel. Hell I could probably beat that by a mile. Probably be a while before I can prove it, but oh well, I'll make the claim now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1291381692' post='4825649'] 1500/1100. It's mentioned earlier on. [b]So it is. My bad.[/b] Edit! Also!: Ahem... *cough* I feel the same way. It is the mark of a truly evil villain to confirm a person is dead. Likewise, someone who is not all too villainous but actually may have a slight bit more of a heart then they let on would be less inclined to confirm a kill.... Do you agree? [/quote] Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Frankly, if you feel someone's so dangerous/whateverotheradjectiveapplies that they needed to be killed in cold blood, I think even Mother Teresa would make sure he's really dead. [spoiler='Episode 8: I Don't Know What 2 Call This'][b]This is Bleach: Masks of the Espada by Donovyn Mikara Gerra.[/b] Chapter 1: The Quincy Reaper [b]For some reason, there are very few Bleach fics ‘round these parts. Maybe people identify with Naruto’s main characters more. You know, being loathed by millions of people everywhere. And it’s a shame, because Naruto fanfics, no matter how good, always leave me with same taste in my mouth as a rollicking Duel Academy tale.[/b] Daisuke walked through the streets reading the latest chapter of [i]Loveless[/i]. [b]Okay, analysis time. I read Chapter Characters (to quote Crab Helmet), and now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have, so the characters can unravel for me and whatnot. See, this is cleverly done characterization here – most people would just have their main character walking around for no particular reason. [/b] Things had been quiet in the city lately, and he hadn't had to risk anyone seeing him in action in the last month. That also meant that he was able to read those Yaoi mangas he'd been too distracted to read due to Hollow activity.He turned the page of the manga and heard an explosion somewhere to his left. [b]I would have cut at the previous period, but it has been transformed into an enzyme binding the ‘activity’ and ‘He’ substrates. This makes it abundantly clear Donovyn didn’t do this in Word. I actually wanted to stop in order to point out that the plural of manga is also manga, not mangas. A basic rule for dealing with foreign words is to pluralize them however they would be pluralized in the native language. Japanese has no plural. QED.[/b] Then he slumped his shoulders and head, looking in the direction of the explosion. The Arrancar looked at his enemy, brushing his hand through his blonde hair. The Soul Reaper's mid-back black hair moved in the wind caused by the explosion. [b]Hrm…see, ‘mid-black’ isn’t really a word. You can tell exactly what’s going on – Donovyn imagined the hair and typed black, then thought about it for a few minutes and decided it was kind of lighter than that. If he’d given it a few more seconds we might have had ‘light black’, which would have been hilarious. Anyway, I’d advice not indicating the precise source of the wind, since as we read it dawns on us that the explosion’s there to cause the wind to call attention to the hair so we know what color it is. [/b] Evanescent blew on the finger he'd fired his Cero from. [b]The problem here is that you’ve named the Arrancar here rather than up there, when you called him an Arrancar. This makes it look like there’s Evanescent, and a nameless Arrancar.[/b] "You're good," he told Donovyn, "not too many people can brush aside a Cero bare-handed." The two stared at each other for several seconds. Donovyn smirked as he held his fingers clawed. Against any Hollow other than Evanescent, it would have been effortless. [b]Quick warning: Bleach is dreadful at establishing any sort of base-line for power. Want an example? Menos Grande – there, what did you think of? Was it the first episode when a lone one appeared and Ichigo nearly killed himself making it fall over? Me, too. But skip ahead a couple thousand seasons and our heroes are carving swarms of them up in the Menos Forest like they’re Goombas. They act more like Macy’s parade floats than hive-minded fusions of Hollow. My point is this. The Cero is a colossal outpouring of spiritual energy – it’s the ultimate expression of brute force. Rather, that’s what it should be. In his fight with the Visored, Starrk flat out said a Cero wouldn’t be strong enough to finish off his opponents (even if they stood still long enough for him to hit them). The point of my point, then, is please be careful who Donovyn (the non-author Donovyn) is, because if he can knock aside Cero with one hand, he has no business being the main character. Anyway, I think I’ve halted the fight long enough.[/b] His hand was burning, but he wasn't about to let an enemy know that. He looked at the palm that deflected the Cero, and then at the building he had thrown it toward. [b]Assuming that we’re both thinking of Bleach’s Cero and Evanescent didn’t just throw a large zero at him, there shouldn’t be a building to look at. Or a building behind that one. Or behind that one. Just [s]sayin[/s]’Saiyan. [/b] He prepared for a lunge toward Evanescent, and Evanescent, fighting without his weapon drawn, took a stance that said he was ready. Daisuke rounded the corner to see a Soul Reaper fighting against a humanoid Hollow. The only thing that told Daisuke it was a Hollow was the mask fragment. A half-helmet with a spike coming out of it, sitting on the left side of his head. [b]You could have joined this clause to the previous sentence with a dash or semi-colon. Which reminds me – take a sip.[/b] He stood in awe, wondering exactly what he was seeing. The Soul Reaper had just plunged his Zanpakuto point first into the Hollow, who had blocked the attack with the palm of his hand. [b]<333333333333333333333 Anyone who blocks swords with their hand can have my children. Even if neither of us have ovaries, the power of blocking-swords-with-your-hand will make it possible.[/b] The Soul Reaper pushed his glasses up his nose, having jumped back a few feet. Daisuke was standing there, mouth agape, thinking, "[i]I've never seen this kind of thing. [b]If you have it in italics, you don’t need quotes.[/b] That's clearly a Hollow, but, it looks like a man. And...how is he able to block a sword bare handed? And, the looks on their faces...they know each other! What's happening?[/i]" "Know what? I don't care! That's a Hollow, and I'm going to get rid of it!" Daisuke said, forming a simple long bow. [b]Keep in mind, in the Bleach universe the weakest melee attack is inherently stronger than the strongest projectile. The only thing standing between Daisuke and death right now is the fact that he’s a main character.[/b] He took aim at the Hollow, while unbeknownst to him, the Soul Reaper prepared for a strike. Daisuke let the arrow fly, while the Soul Reaper launched his attack. Evanescent felt new Spiritual Pressure in the area, and looked with his eyes [b]As opposed to looking with...?[/b] to see a reishi arrow flying toward him. Then he noticed Donovyn launching his own attack. A split second later, he vanished and appeared behind the new fighter. Donovyn's attack sliced through the arrow, and a split second later he was standing before the new fighter. Evanescent and Donovyn glared at each other over the new fighter. [b]You don’t need to call him ‘the new fighter’ three freaking times in a row.[/b] Donovyn moved his eyes to the bow in the boys hand. [b]Boy’s.[/b] "A Quincy, huh? Didn't think there were any of those left." Evanescent snorted, "Seriously, I thought that Ishida guy was the last." "Must have had a kid or two." "Only way to explain that bow, isn't it?" "Definitely," Donovyn agreed, before both of them disappeared. Daisuke remained standing there, seeing the Hollow and Soul Reaper fighting again. Though short, they had definitely had a conversation about him. He swallowed hard, noticing that they were rushing at each other, not far from him. "[i]How can they possibly be this strong. [b]He said, a previous injury preventing him from making the inflection necessary to ask a question. And to answer the question: because this is Bleach. Don’t worry, they’ll become weaker as the story progresses so that one of them (probably the Arrancar) can be defeated.[/b] What's going on? They clearly know each other, or they wouldn't have spoken. And...this shock wave. Every time they clash...I can feel it.[/i]" Daisuke was thinking, holding his hands up to defend his face against another shock wave. Then he heard the Hollow say "Well, that's gonna have repercussions." Looking down, he noticed the Soul Reaper's Zanpakuto sticking out of his naval. [b]‘Naval’ means ‘having to do with or pertaining to the navy’. While I have no doubt characters this overpowered/awesome would be able to stick one sword through the entire U.S. Navy, I’m willing to gamble that you meant ‘navel’.[/b] When he looked back at them, he noticed both of them were looking at him. The two exchanged glances, then looked back at him. [b]So they looked at him, and then they looked at him. In other words, nothing happened. [/b] "I'm tired. This has been going on too long, and I'm kinda bored now. We'll settle this in the next 2,000 years, but, not today," the Hollow told the Soul Reaper, before opening what looked to be a portal. [b]I think Daisuke has more pressing concerns than interpreting the physical attributes of a Garganta.[/b] Donovyn walked over to the boy and gripped his Zanpakuto. The moment his hand came in contact with the hilt of the sword, there was a blast of energy. Over Donovyn's shoulder, Evanescent could be heard saying "So that's how it happened, and so it happens again. With a Quincy no less." Donovyn pulled the blade out of Daisuke's abdomen, and knelt down, out of breath. [b]To summarize: some guys fought, a less awesome guy watched them fight, he got hit with a sword. I have nothing to work with. Normally, I’d say this was well written, but recent chapters necessitate that I raise my standards, so this is…adequate. I’m just not feeling anything – everything about this just leaves me indifferent. Pretty lame review, huh?[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 [quote name='Admiral_Stalfos19' timestamp='1291423051' post='4827086'] Just read Chapter 7... I see what you mean by a horrible duel. Hell I could probably beat that by a mile. Probably be a while before I can prove it, but oh well, I'll make the claim now [/quote] I'm sure you could. Er, anyway, Duelist Path's first chapter is really long and...well, not so great. That's why things are so delayed, compared to my kind of ridiculous pace before. Just alerting everybody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Since this chapter is so incredibly long, I'm breaking it up into parts. [spoiler='Episode 9: Des Note (Part 1)'] [b]This is Yugioh: Duelist Path by Mysterious Member. [/b] An large [b]No.[/b] skyscraper that was measured about 50 feet was standing high in Domino City. [b]Didn’t anyone tell you not to use passive voice. Actually, criticisms of passive are a bit overblown, since there are times it just works better, but this is very clearly not that time. Here’s it active: “A[s]n[/s] large skyscraper that measured about [s]50[/s] fifty feet stood high in Domino City.” This still isn’t very good, not helped in the least by the fact that fifty feet doesn’t make a skyscraper. I’m not all up on my architectural lingo, but I’m pretty sure that something like five or six stories. Anyway, here’s your fully fixed sentence: “A large skyscraper, towering nearly fifty [s]feet[/s] stories tall, stood in Domino City.” Actually, I think it needs a bit more polishing, but that’s me.[/b] It's windows [b]It’s Windows? I hope you didn’t get Vista, at least.[/b] was coloured bright blue, [b]It[s]’[/s] windows was? Was? Do you even know what verbs are?[/b] while the walls were coloured yellow. [b]Phew. We managed to string together some meaningful words. But am I hearing you right? This large [s]department store[/s] skyscraper is painted yellow? I don’t know how many skyscrapers you’ve seen in your time, but they’re general kind of…metal-colored.[/b] On the reddish brown roof, [b]And then it has a reddish brown and/or maroon roof? Is this de Blob (Never actually played that, by the way)?[/b] there was an sign [b]No.[/b] of the name DSSF [b]I don’t even know what ‘of the name’ is supposed to mean. I get that this is supposed to be a sign with ‘DSSF’ on it. But seriously, lrn2engrish[/b] coloured orange. [b]Of course. Another color.[/b] It was slightly isolated from the other buildings, while it was surrounded by road. It was by far an unusual building. [b]Yeah, I’d say it is pretty unusual building. Blue windows, yellow sides, and a red roof.[/b] When the shadows that were on the building slopped down half way to the bottom, the lights of the building flared it out of existence. [b]It took me a good five seconds to piece this out. Apparently there are lights on the building about halfway to the bottom that make all the shadows disappearing. This is either supposed to be deeply symbolic or random information.[/b] Inside the skyscraper, at the second highest floor, there was two desks. [b]Right-o, I’m just going to stop pointing out errors in number.[/b] One was larger, behind it was an elevator, while three chairs were under it. The next was smaller, but had an computer on it, [b]I’ll avoid a/n discrepancies, too.[/b] connected to an large screen behind it. Soon, the elevator opened, [b]We’re not anchored in time, seeing as this is all description so far, so the elevator would not open soon nor late. It would just open.[/b] out came three men, they walked towards the desks. [b]This is what we call a list. Lists are fine, but there’s a certain word they usually use before the last item. You may be familiar with it – it is of the name ‘and’. [/b] One was wearing an black suit, with an black tie and black trousers, [b]It always feels a little strange to mix basic and more advanced criticism. For example, if I’m dealing with someone who doesn’t know when to use ‘a’ and when to use ‘an’, it would be odd to being picking over the fact that you could have more simply said, “wearing a black suit, tie, and trousers” (note the comma before the final ‘and’ in the list). This is because, especially in cases like this, what the writer needs more than advice is often an Absolute Power Force!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to the head. As we’ve seen there are definite exceptions to this, but there also…aren’t. So then this becomes somewhat for the edification of the readers, particularly those who ply the trade of the written word. Right, that’s enough of that. On to business.[/b] he was carrying an suitcase, his hair was brown as his eyes were also. [b]Sometimes everything just works out, and you can drop your criticism like you’re Crab Helmet. This phrase, in its correct form, is, “his hair was brown, as were his eyes”. However, by mixing around the words around as has been done here, the sentence takes on the meaning, “his hair was brown because his eyes were also”, since that’s how you can use ‘as’. For example, “he thought the filler arc was very good, as a birth defect had left him without good taste”. [/b] The second man was an large very muscular man, wearing the same uniform as the first but his eyes were blue and he had black hair with a black beard. The last man, was slightly shorter than the first and was wearing the same as his companions except he had green eyes, black hair and was wearing glasses. Then they sat on their seats, it had appeared that on the left side of their suit, was four stars. [b]Aside from minor details like seats are sat in not on, these stars have been inserted randomly. Most people can kind of instinctively tell when something is out of place. For example, “Yugi top-decked some strange anime card which would be useless in any other situation. His hair was very spiky.” The rest of us know better than to do something so monumentally silly.[/b] "So, your our newest Commanders of our three major divisions ?"questioned an Elderly Voice, that came from behind the screen. [b]Uh…Elderly Voice has been capitalized. This indicates it be a proper noun, therefore an Elderly Voice must be some sort of title, or possibly a kind of creature. [/b] "Yes,"answered the First Man, being braver than his others. [b]A First Man is a bit like a Best Man, only instead of being a wedding functionary, the First Man is a brave warrior prepared to fight the mysterious being known only as the Elderly Voice. [/b] "OK, im comming in."the Voice replied, as an secret door opened from the right side of the screen. [b]This is the first story I have genuinely thought to myself, “Would it really be so bad if I didn’t finish this?” But I’m made of sterner stuff than that! We can see here that the author does in truth believe they are writing a screenplay. The irony is that screenplays don’t do this ‘screen’ nonsense, either.[/b] Out came, an Elder, he was wearing the same uniform as the men. But insted of the four stars, he had five and there was an hat over his head. [b]And here you can see this was not done in such sophisticated and rare software as MS Word. Actually, I think we already know that, but I’ve been working on this for so many days I really don’t care anymore.[/b] "Welcome to the DSSF headquarters, we are the Domino Sector Security Force,"once he had finished he then coughed then continued, [b]The author seems to be under the impression that there isn’t supposed to be a space between, say, the end of a quote and the start of description. This next line is bad, not only because it’s unnecessarily wordy, but because the Level 99 Elderly Voice appears to have stopped talking (he didn’t actually ‘finish’), decided he might as well cough, and then decided to continue speaking.[/b] "We were created 15 years ago and yes that was 5 years after the WRGP, because the original Sector Security was stopped and was defeated." [b]It sounds like he was expecting the Level 68 First Man to suddenly blurt out, “omigosh, that was liek 5 yrz after the wrgp rite??????” Why would that be important? For that matter, what is this about [s]the Public Security Maintenance Bureau[/s] Sector Security being “stopped and defeated”? After Season 1, they just became random ordinary police folks, no longer being repressive and tyrannical because the main character(s) weren’t fleeing the EVIL LAW anymore. I’m sure this will all be clearly explained. [/b] The Elder the paused as a slight tear dropped from his eyes, [b]I didn’t think this was a terribly emotional moment. Was [s]the Public Security Maintenance Bureau[/s] Sector Security the Level 99 Elderly Voice’s wife or something? [/b] the men then stared at each other confused until he then continued explaining."Sadly, the founder died 5 years ago, he was replaced his son, now any que-" "So we are bossed around by some child !?"the Third man interrupted slightly angry. [b]Uh…yeah. This is anime. Who else do you expect would be in charge? Some middle-aged guy?[/b] "Yes, but he is highly intelligent for his age." [b]Uh…yeah. This is anime. Who else do you expect would be intelligent? People who went to college? [/b] The Elder grinned slightly happy when he plugged his computer into something turning the screen on. [b]Apparently, the organization whose name I’ve already forgotten unplugs all their computers when they’re not in use. What is this ‘slightly happy’ business? If I were to guess it’s because he said the guy in charge was highly intelligent for his age because it is amusing because that would be unexpected because he is young. [/b] On it was an giant p."Now you shall adress your names to our Leader, firstly, I am Hinta," [b]What, did they just pick up these guys off the street to present to the Level 128 Leader? Does he not know who these guys are? [/b] "OK, I am Alth,"the First Man bowed to the Leader. "Names, John,"the Second Man nodded. "My name is Rupert,"the Third Man said also bowing. [b]So two guys bow at the mere mention of the Level 128 Leader, and the other one says [s]“The name’s John.”[/s] “"Names, John,"? [/b] "I am sorry, I cannot give you my real name, for now you shall call me P," [b]good4u u watched deth note [/b] the Computer explained, it's voice sounded like an alien." [b]Yep, definitely Death Note. You know that L changes his voice so no one can recognize the sound of his voice or listen for his voice patterns, not to be the alienz [/b] Also, you three shall be told what divisions you are in, Alth you are in Alpha, John Beta and Rupert Gamma." [b]So you don’t know how to write legible English, but you know that there are Greek letters other than Alpha, Beta, and Omega? What evil sorcery is this!? [/b] "I hope your happy with that,"Hinta said standing up. "Yes !"The Three Men replied in a unison. [b]I wanna be in Delta Division. No, make it Kappa! No, wait, Zeta! Epsilon! Phi! [/b] "Time, for our current main mission,"The Computer started to explain,"Coincidently, when the DSSF was formed, an part of the Satilite was discovered. [b]Um…where did it go? Why can’t you spell Satellite? These questions and more will not be answered! [/b] You might know this place as Junk City. Before we continue, Junk City isn't a city, it was named that after the astonishing amount of Junk." [b]Oh, I get it! That’s so hi-larious! And wait, is there going to be a guy who uses...[i]Junk[/i] monsters?????? But who cares whether or not it’s actually a city? Did someone do a census and decide, “nope, Junk City is actually just a large town.”? [/b] "I have a question,"John raised his hand while Hinta nodded,"So, why should we care about this place ?" [b]You don’t need to raise your hand. I mean, does that seem silly to anyone else. The Level 128 Leader (who I suppose I should call P) isn’t watching you. He definitely isn’t going to call on you.[/b] "When people from Domino research there, they found an vast amount of Diamonds," [b]Um…what? This is the problem with working with an existing locale – did these diamonds just grow there? [/b] P replied,"Once we had collected all we could, we had no choice to capture people from other parts of the satilite started to live here and enslave them. [b]Step 1: Find diamonds. Step 2: Mine diamonds. Step 3: Enslave the locals. [/b] This had caused them to start a revolution a few months after we discovered Junk City, we are still fighing them now." [b]Was no one expecting that? Does P, the world’s greatest detective, actually think this plan made sense? Does the Level 68 First Man not find this a completely bizarre course of action?[/b] "Hmm, this seems interesting,"Rupert said stroking his beard. "Now, to start this for you, you must send one member of your Division to investigate, next we will devise an strategy to finish it,"P said,"We will have this finished far faster than anyone else can." [b]Great, but you haven’t established what it is that you’re finishing. Normally I’d advice sending in vast numbers of elite troops, but this is Yu-Gi-Oh!, so I think you should send in a squad of evil people with tortured pasts who use super-powerful god cards that would be terrible in the actual game in. Since the story gives me two horizontal rules, and I've been working on this for more than a week and it's so incredibly long, I'm stopping here. Part Two will be up by and by. [/b] [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Basically skimmed a couple of the reviews, but I like this. Mind taking a look at my Duel Academy fic? http://bit.ly/dkdOAg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Slowly working on my new Yu-gi-oh fanfic. I've already done the first chapter, but I want to complete my first duel first (and no, it doesn't start at the first chapter) before I put it up there on display. When I do though, you're welcome to take a gander at that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brinolovania Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 *Reads all reviews* ... *Gives cookie, high five, and rep.* This is good. Not as good as Foe Fiction, but good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 [quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1292392801' post='4853964'] Basically skimmed a couple of the reviews, but I like this. Mind taking a look at my Duel Academy fic? http://bit.ly/dkdOAg [/quote] Sure. But could you post it on YCM? [quote name='!' timestamp='1292534131' post='4857508'] *Reads all reviews* ... *Gives cookie, high five, and rep.* This is good. Not as good as Foe Fiction, but good. [/quote] no itz much beter den foe fikshun i h8 j00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I can't hold a candle to Foe Fiction. Thanks. And here's the second half of the review of Duelist Path... [spoiler='Growing Praise and Adulation: Episode 10: Des Note (Part 2)'][b]This is Yugioh: Duelist Path by Mysterious Member. Did I mention this chapter is really long? I’m less than half way through.[/b] Junk City was as described an area piled mainly with Junk, [b]Level 3 Junk from now on. Junk is basically the Slime/Goomba/Giant Rat/Zoomer/Chu Chu of Junk City.[/b] there were parts of it that were muddy and hard. In the lowlands of Junk City were huts small enough to fit two small rooms. During noon, an young Teenager walked towards an wooden hut. He was wearing an green shirt, black trousers, black shoes and an blue hat, he had with im an ordinary duel disk. He knocked on the damaged door as hard as he could. [b]I feel like I should be saying something, but I can’t think of anything, probably because there actually isn’t anything wrong with this besides spelling and grammar, which I promised to quit whining about.[/b] "Hey, Yuuat open up it's me Elliot !"the Teen yelled as the door opened. [b]A Yuuat would probably be some kind of palette swap of a hard enemy that for some reason is actually very easy. No, I don’t know how I come up with this stuff.[/b] "Hello Elliot,"Yuuat said calmly. Yuuat was wearing an blue shirt, black jeans and black shoes. On his shirt, dangled an blue crystal medallion, [b]*cough*plotpoint*cough*[/b] on his right arm was his duel disk that was coloured white, but was shaped as a dragon. [b]What would a dragon-shaped Duel Disk be like? They’re usually just like the old Academy Duel Disks but with some trim or whatever. The fanciest disk we had was Sir Randsborg/Jil’s Golden Shield Disk.[/b] His hair was spickey and was an combination between brown and black, [b]What you’re trying to say is that he’s a Yu-Gi-Oh! main character, and therefore has hair of several different colors.[/b] "You had forgotten to sign up to join the Junk Revolutionists,"Elliot reminded Yuuat as he stepped back then turned to walk ahead. [b]Does that seem silly to anyone else? D’oh, I forgot to fight for the freedom of my people! My bad![/b] Yuuat followed Elliot happily,"Thanks,"he thanked as he stared in the distance. An two story house was seen, that was the headquarters of the Junk Revolutionists. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ [b]Yes, it keeps going.[/b] Inside the headquaters was a small room, in front of Elliot and Yuuat was an counter and stairs next to it. An red haired women stood at the counter, while an book was there. [b]Women…book…quaters…oh just forget it![/b] "What would you like,"She said annoyed. "Could I join the Junk Revolutionists ?"Yuuat asked. "Hold up, to join you have to take an Dueling Test," [b]obv[/b] She replied angrily."Plus, today's signup is booked, plus tomorrow. So you've got to take the test the day after." "How funny, I signed up half an hour ago and I managed to take the test tomorrow morning,"Elliot giggled. [b]Ahahahahahahaha! … I don’t get it.[/b] "Rules are rules,"She exclaimed,"Now go, but if you want to have a practice Turbo Duel with the Leader Zevern, that's tomorrow," [b]Doesn’t that seem like the title for a Pokemon trainer? You know, Leader Zevern?[/b] Before Yuuat was about to complain, the sound of gunshot shrieked through the room, then it echoed again. [b]Gunshots…don’t shriek.[/b] "That's it im going,"The Stressed Secretary walked away up the stairs then locked the door. [b]“Aw shucks, murder is commencing. See ya!”[/b] ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ [b]Yup, even more…[/b] Outside there was a man wielding an gun threatening people. He looked to be an Officer, since he was wearing the uniform of the DSSF and there was one star on the right ranking him as an Officer. Standing under his feet, was an corpse of someone who lived in Junk City that was shot. [b]I didn’t take you to be the sort of person who even knew that people could die in anime. [/b] "Well well well, get me some jewels or I'll shoot you, seriously, why aren't you working,"He grunted, he turned and pointed the gun at a random person,"Get to work you piece of s**t," [b]I take it back. You obviously had a little checklist of “Things That Make Your Story Mature”. Guns? Check. Dead person? Check. Swearing? Check.[/b] "Yes sir,"The Victim obeyed as he found a shovel and ran up the mountain of Junk. [b]What, are the diamonds just in the junk? Or is he forcing the Level 5 Victim to fight a horde of Level 3 Junk for his amusement.[/b] "Anyone want to join him,"The Officer commanded as more people followed. As the Officer skimmed around, the medallion that Yuuat qas wearing caught his attention,he then pointed his gun at Yuuat."You hand that medallion, that must be worth a lot of money," [b]“I’m a villain, but I’m also a minor character, so that must mean I only care about getting money and stuff!”[/b] "Only in a duel,"Yuuat replied betting,"You win, you get it. However, if you lose, you leave." [b]That’s suicide. The officer could just shoot him![/b] [i]That is suicide since the Officer could just shoot him[/i], Elliot gasped. [b]Yes, I looked a sentence ahead.[/b] [i]My only choice is to duel him since I don't have any bullets left[/i], [b]Oh, how convenient. Doesn’t that mean the people could jump him, now?[/b] The Officer thought,"You got a deal, by the way, my names Frank," [b]“I wish I could shoot you, but I can’t, so instead we’ll gamble over who gets the only thing of value you own. Hi, I’m Frank.”[/b] [i]That Officer must be thick to not shoot Yuuat[/i], Elliot thought as he became more confident, until he saw Frank holding some chains. "Now, this chain will electricute you every time you lose Life Points, the more the more powerful,"Frank grinned as he threw one at Yuuat then attached his to his neck. [b]You’d have to be crazy to accept those conditions.[/b] "Im OK with that,"Yuuat said as he attached it. [b]Yes, I looked. But seriously, they’re just street dueling, it’s not like this is an underground arena for electric shock fetishists or whatever those creepy underground duels in GX were. The gross fat guy whose name I forget in 5D’s did it to have an unfair advantage. Zane/Ryo did it because he was evil before they decided they didn’t want him to be evil anymore. Why does he have the duel under these conditions?[/b] "I'll go first,"Frank exclaimed activating his Duel Disk, he then drew 5 cards (Frank: 4000 Life Points). "Fine with me,"Yuuat nodded (Yuuat: 4000 Life Points). "I activate the Field Spell [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Mausoleum_of_the_Emperor"]Mausoleum of the Emperor[/url],"Frank laughed as the background changed into an Ancient Empire."Your doomed with this card because we can Normal Summon a monster without a Tribute by paying 1000 Life Points times the amount of Tributes they need, so I choose [b]Magnite Titan[/b] in Atk Mode (3000/0)(Frank: 4000→2000 Life Points), I end with 1 card Face Down."Frank ended as an volt of electricity shocked him massively. [b]1. You wouldn’t get zapped for paying Life Points (I think). 2. Mausoleum is horrible in anime duels, for obvious reasons.[/b] "No way, on your first turn you Summoned a monster with 3000 Atk,"Yuuat replied, he felt slightly worried. "Got a problem satilite, can't handle that power."Frank then taunted him as he felt slightly dizzy. "Nope, I can beat it,"Yuuat said drawing his 6th card, he then smiled,"To bad your plan for a direct attack will fail," [b]Plan for a direct attack? You mean, “summon a strong monster, hope my opponent just summons one monster, and then summon another monster” counts as a plan?[/b] "How come ?"Frank asked confused. "Because I will first activate the spell card [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/The_Dark_Door"]The Dark Door[/url],"Yuuat smirked as an Door appeared behind him,"Now only one of our monsters can attack," "Big mistake, because my [b]Magnite Titan[/b] can attack twice per turn,"Frank explained as he began to laugh. [b]Oh. That’s…a good card. Guess that’s what Yuuat gets for running The Dark Door. While I’m here, I’ll say I do like the links to the cards. I don’t need them, because my card memory is unhealthy, but they’re nice.[/b] "Still I'll win,"Yuuat then smiled setting two cards Face Down,"Now I Summon [b]Hath-Dracon Soldier[/b] in Def Mode (1600/1200), it's effect allows us to discard one card from our hand to the Graveyard then draw 2 cards, that's it for me," [b]Def[i]ense[/i] [s]Mode[/s] Position, please. It’s also abundantly broken. I know there are broken anime cards, but why have such blatantly broken draw power? And am I reading this wrong, or did he not bother to use the effect?[/b] "You've acted so confident and you've pulled out a seriously terrible move,"Frank commented drawing a card,"I could win this duel without activating a card from my hand," [b]Assuming both of those face-downs are useless. Which they obviously aren’t.[/b] [i]It's obvious that Frank's Face Down is a Trap, since Magnite Titan gives him an advantage around Traps[/i], Yuuat though as he stared at Frank's Face Down. [b]It’s obvious Frank’s [s]Face Down[/s] face-down is a Trap because no one set Spells that weren’t Quick-play after Season 2.[/b] "Now [b]Magnite Titan[/b] attack [b]Hath-Dracon Soldier[/b],"Frank ordered as the Titan threw a giant ball of lava at the soldier. [b]Ironically, you’re decent at doing duels. You actually bothered to describe the attack…though not the monsters, now that I think about it.[/b] "I activate my Face Down [b]Dracon Surrender[/b], you see if you declare an attack I can negate the attack then gain control of your monster,"Yuuat explained as an army of shadows charged at Magnite Titan. [b]Based on the name, I’m assuming it only works with “Dracon” monsters…at least I hope so.[/b] "I chain with my Face Down, [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Seven_Tools_of_the_Bandit"]Seven Tools of Bandit[/url], I pay 1000 Life Points to negate the activation of your trap and destroy it but because of [b]Magnite Titan's[/b] effect I don't even need to pay a Life Point,"Frank explained as the tool destroyed the shadows and allowed [b]Magnite Titan[/b] to continue it's attack on [b]Hath[/b]. [b]Wait, so not only can Magnite Titan attack twice, but it negates Life Point payments for you?[/b] "You defeated my monster in battle,"Yuuat signed as [b]Magnite Titan[/b] gained a second lava ball." [b]I just had a thought…Frank didn’t use Hath-Dracon’s effect either.[/b] "[b]Magnite Titan[/b] attack Yuuat directly,"Frank once again ordered. "I activate my next Face Down [url="[img]http://img834.imageshack.us/img834/9190/302358.jpg[/img]"]Dracon Frontal Assualt[/url],"Yuuat then depressed a button revealing an group of dragons,"You see I can now Sp-" "I activate [b]Magnite Titan's[/b] effect I can pay 500 Life Points to negate the effect of your Trap and Destroy it (Frank: 2000→1500 Life Points)(Yuuat: 4000→1000 Life Points)."Frank explained as he had finaly suceeded in inflicting serious damage. [b]Okay, it can attack twice, means you don’t have to pay Life Points for Traps, and negate Traps. Wtf?[/b] "ARGGHH !!!"Yuuat shouted as an even bigger volt of electricity shocked him while Frank got an average amount. Once the electricity faded Frank then pointed at Yuuat,"Its your turn." "I can Normal Summon Draine-Dracon Paladin in Atk Mode without a Tribute if I have two monsters in my Graveyard (2100/500),"Yuuat explained as an knight on an Dragon emerged from the sky. [b]You don’t. You only have Hath-Dracon in your Graveyard.[/b] "Why did you Summon a weaker monster in Atk Mode ?"Frank questioned,"And you only have one in your Graveyard." [b]What he said. [/b] "[b]Hath's[/b] effect before allowed me to send [b]Voldrake-Dracon Knight of Justice[/b] to my Graveyard and next I activate the spell card [b]Dracon and the Beast[/b], because I control 1 Dracon monster in Atk mode I can Special Summon [b]Beast of Dracon[/b] to the Field from my hand in Def Mode (1500/1200), now I end," [b]Okay, I guess. Dracon and the Beast is awful…it should at least summon from the deck.[/b] "[b]Magnite Titan[/b] attack [b]Dracon and the Beast[/b] then [b]Draine-Dracon Paladin[/b],"Frank ordered as both him and Yuuat were hit by electricity (Yuuat: 1000→100 Life Points)(Frank: 1500→900 Life Points)."But how was I hit ?" [b]For some reason, I keep having an urge to give Magnite Titan Piercing. I just deleted a sentence explaining how Yuuat took 1800 damage and lost.[/b] "Beast of Dracon has an effect of when it's destroyed when I control another Dracon monster, I can inflict 600 points of damage,"Yuuat explained as he then started to lose slight control of his vision. "You made all that effort to protect yourself again, just give up, once it's my turn you will lose,"Frank insisted pointing at Yuuat,"You have only 1 card in your hand, but next turn you'll get 2, so how is 2 cards going to take down my mighty Titan or protect yourself again ?" [b]inb4darkhole[/b] Once Frank finished, Yuuat then smirked when he drew,"It is that simple, all this time I was distracting you, I had the card to win this duel in my hand." "So then why didn't you play it ?" "It has an certain requirement, I need to remove [b]Hath-Dracon Soldier[/b], [b]Voldrake-Dracon Knight of Justice[/b] and [b]Draine-Dracon Paladin[/b] in my Graveyard to Special Summon the legendary [b]Vandran-Dracon Overlord[/b] (2400/0) !"Yuuat shouted as an Dragoon appeared out of the card, it then leaped into the sky. [b]That’s some severe conditions for a 2400 ATK monster.[/b] "I actually thought I was going to lose,"Frank insulted unimpressed as Yuuat looked at him like he was mad."What !? Are you blind !? There is an 600 Atk difference between our monsters, face it your monster can't defeat my mighty monster, then next turn I'll attack and make you suffer," [b]I suspect it might possibly have some sort of effects and whatnot.[/b] "My monster has an extremely powerful effect, you see, I can select an equip card from my Deck and equip it to it,"Yuuat explained as he skimmed through his deck and selected an card, he then showed it to Frank,"Dimond Dracon Blade !!!" [b]Megamorph would work, too.[/b] "What does that card do ?"Everyone except Yuuat questioned to him in a Unison. [b]Is that supposed to be funny? [/b] "It's a good and bad card, you see the equipped monster gains half the attack of the monster it battles with, however at the end of my turn I have to destroy the equipped monster and inflict damage to my Life Points equal to it's attack,"Yuuat explained,"But ignore the side effect, now [b]Vandran-Dracon Overlord[/b] (2400→3900/0) attack [b]Magnite Titan[/b] with chaos blade." [b]That’s not a good and bad card, it’s a horrible card. Metalmorph is infinitely superior. [i]Metalmorph[/i]! And ATK is spelled, um…ATK.[/b] "NO, I've lost to a Satilite !!!"Frank screamed when [b]Vandran[/b] charged down the sky as an dark barrier formed around it. It collided with [b]Magnite Titan[/b], causing the [b]Titan[/b] to colapse on Frank (Frank: 900→0 Life Points). [b]It’s funny because it’s like the first episode of GX. Only even less funny. And that wasn’t funny at all.[/b] "Im glad that's over,"Yuuat said walking away, his left leg felt wounded by the electricity, he then turned around to see an great amount of electricity shock Frank staggering. [b]It occurs to me that the electric shocks served no point in this duel. In the aforementioned Zane/Ryo vs. Syrus/Not cool enough to care about his Japanese name, the shock collars were used because Zane was all evil, and also because Syrus was weak, so they had an impact on the fight. Here, they’re just there to say, “c look hes evil n teh main caracter is the main caracter n u can tell bcas he decided 2 dool even tho tehre wuz elctricity”. [/b] "Wow, that was an amazing duel, truth to be told I thought you were going to lose before your last turn,"Elliot admitted. [b]He should have. I liked Magnite Titan. Frank’s deck had synergy: a high-power monster that allowed him to ignore Life Point payments, and use Life-draining cards to defend it. Yuuat’s deck was Dragunities without the Tier 1(.5) and a Dark Door just because.[/b] "That duel made me feel drozy,"Yuuat said as he then lost conciousness. From behind Frank came an black duel runner, it stopped and another Officer picked him up and fled away up the piles of Junk. END OF CHAPTER [b]Thank God it’s all over. But what kind of an ending was that? Yuuat lost consciousness and then an Officer carried Frank away. Tune in next time! Was this the worst one yet? Yeah, it probably was. The oddest thing is that Mysterious Member actually makes perfectly legible posts and downgrades his writing skill especially for…writing.[/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 Is the link I supplied not YCM? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted December 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 [quote name='Phantom Roxas' timestamp='1292610135' post='4859352'] Is the link I supplied not YCM? [/quote] How odd, the address it appears to be sending to isn't YCM, but I clicked on it and it is. Technology is a mysterious thing. Anyway, yes, I'll do yours next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.