Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds: Spiritual Ruin [PG-13]

[evilfusion]

Chapter 3 up.

[Dr. Cakey]

Well done chapter. I was [i]very[/i] concerned Malefis was going to lose.

Just a thought...might she have Stardust Phantom in the deck? I just mention it since it's a Spellcaster. On the other hand her deck is more focused on Dragons in general than Stardust, and it would kind of interrupt the flow of the duel. Just thinking in passing.

Oh, and how much would I have to bribe you to switch Majestic Star Dragon to Savior Star Dragon?

[evilfusion]

My first draft actually did have Malefis lose, but the second draft changed that because it felt too cliche and made the later developments of the chapter nearly impossible.

If she acquires it later, it will. Part of Malefis' character is her belief in dragon superiority, so having her make the snider comment on the lack of Spellcasters felt more in character than actually producing one, and Phantom wouldn't benefit her situation.

For the most part, I try to keep card names to their English versions because it's easier for me to remember and not be called out for excessive inconsistencies. "Sin" and "Malefic" both aren't bad, but I prefer Sin. Similarly, Infernity Death Dragon and Infernity Reloader definitely didn't get weird names. I actually prefer Majestic to Savior. Too many changes and I'd have to try to employ almost all the inconsistent namings.

Then again...I did use Blackfeather Dragon instead of Black-Winged, so actually I should change it because it's the inconsistency of using the English version.

[Barian Warlord]

I totally want Virue Stardust to come in and save the boy, only its a card I made up so I doubt it would appear at all.
Still you really fixed the problem I had with the Gravekeppers only i would have expected the kid to try and get another Visionary in his hand then he could have gone for battle damage with a huge attack, though it would probably hurt to plot if the kid was to good.
Still all in all I give this a 9.999998/10 so far.

[evilfusion]

Visionary has 1800 DEF, so he couldn't get it with Recruiter. Otherwise that would have been a good move.

Oddly, it actually did hurt the plot. The first draft had Luke win (exact same plays for the most part), but then I hit a plot-freeze and had absolutely no clue how to proceed, then felt that the whole "protagonist character never loses" concept was overdone and would make Malefis look like an absolute idiot.

That's close enough to a 10 for me. Thanks. Criticisms are just as good as praise.

[Vector Nightmare]

This was actually quite good, except the end of the duel was rather uneventful. I'll review the whole story more extensively when I have more time, but for now a few comments concerning the ending will do:

First of all, your description of Savior Star Dragon and Malefis' comments on it were rather odd. I'd prefer it if it was more neutral, even though I know you're probably tying it into the whole "durr monsters are all spirits" thing. Especially saying Savior Star's backflip was "cheerful" - how can you even determine that, was the dragon smiling or something? - was quite weird. And even if Malefis spams Stardust, giving her such a plot-device monster as Savior Star seems iffy.

And, Book of Moon was pointless in that scenario. The deal with Savior Star Dragon is exactly the same as with Stardust. As its effect requires it to tribute itself, it activates when it is no longer on the field, thus it doesn't matter whether its effect is negated or not, it can still activate that particular effect. I suggest rewriting that last part to omit that needless move and make it sound a little less forced.

[evilfusion]

[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1291395867' post='4825908']
This was actually quite good, except the end of the duel was rather uneventful. I'll review the whole story more extensively when I have more time, but for now a few comments concerning the ending will do:

First of all, your description of Savior Star Dragon and Malefis' comments on it were rather odd. I'd prefer it if it was more neutral, even though I know you're probably tying it into the whole "durr monsters are all spirits" thing. Especially saying Savior Star's backflip was "cheerful" - how can you even determine that, was the dragon smiling or something? - was quite weird. And even if Malefis spams Stardust, giving her such a plot-device monster as Savior Star seems iffy.

And, Book of Moon was pointless in that scenario. The deal with Savior Star Dragon is exactly the same as with Stardust. As its effect requires it to tribute itself, it activates when it is no longer on the field, thus it doesn't matter whether its effect is negated or not, it can still activate that particular effect. I suggest rewriting that last part to omit that needless move and make it sound a little less forced.
[/quote]

1) I blame watching the Team 5Ds vs Team Ragnarok duel before writing. Savior Star Dragon is the most overdramatic and flashy monster I've ever seen. And it's quite easy to tell if something is cheerful. People with a lot of energy seem happier.

1.5) Malefis' deck is a dragon-based Stardust Evolution deck. Admittedly, the Synchro Change maneuver was questionable, but valid. Savior Str fits with her character, backstory, and deck style. I do think this was a weaker chapter that probably should have gone through another draft before posting.

2) You're actually incorrect. The ruling on cards like Descending Lost Star and Synchro Change is that the effect is still negated, even if it's removed from the field. Wicked Rebirth and Skill Drain, however, will not affect Stardust/Savior. I will admit that it is the weakest play of the duel and I will probably edit it for that reason.

[.Nu-13]

[i]"Nah, I like living"[/i]


Luke lost? Eh, I thought he will win... also, D2 Shield play <3

[evilfusion]

Judging by the number of people who thought Luke would win, it's like they knew my first draft played out.

It's not a coincidence I was obsessively searching for the D2 Shield ruling.

[.Nu-13]

Ah, THAT'S why you were asking about it

[Vector Nightmare]

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291400302' post='4826007']1) I blame watching the Team 5Ds vs Team Ragnarok duel before writing. Savior Star Dragon is the most overdramatic and flashy monster I've ever seen. And it's quite easy to tell if something is cheerful. People with a lot of energy seem happier.[/quote]

You pretty much said it yourself. People. Not holograms of giant silver shining dragons that hardly have distinguishable facial features.

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291400302' post='4826007']1.5) Malefis' deck is a dragon-based Stardust Evolution deck. Admittedly, the Synchro Change maneuver was questionable, but valid. Savior Str fits with her character, backstory, and deck style. I do think this was a weaker chapter that probably should have gone through another draft before posting.[/quote]

There's already a ton of Stardust evolutions without getting involved with such a symbolic monster. Buster mode, Malefic (which I expected more from in this duel given it's her signature monster, either that or not be used at all), and even Shooting Star Dragon which is not as "special" as Savior Star imho.

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291400302' post='4826007']2) You're actually incorrect. The ruling on cards like Descending Lost Star and Synchro Change is that the effect is still negated, even if it's removed from the field. Wicked Rebirth and Skill Drain, however, will not affect Stardust/Savior. I will admit that it is the weakest play of the duel and I will probably edit it for that reason.[/quote]

Oh, I neglected to check the card, assuming Konami decided to finally introduce some sense into the game's rulings and have all cards with essentially the same effects work in essentially the same way. But hey, after all these years, why now?

I must point out though the "overkill" in these two chapters. Malefis' first two duels and we've already seen so many boss monsters from her, I expect she'll fade off and not duel for a decent while, or that her duels will quickly become rather repetitive... or that you'll end up with just about a dozen custom Stardust upgrades. We'll see.

[evilfusion]

[quote name='~ Epic Hero - Saber ~' timestamp='1291414552' post='4826686']
You pretty much said it yourself. People. Not holograms of giant silver shining dragons that hardly have distinguishable facial features.

[b]I don't see how the distinction matters. Savior Star was portrayed as high-energy, or at the very least, flashy. If nothing else, your complaint is regarding the word "cheerful", which can easily be changed.[/b]

There's already a ton of Stardust evolutions without getting involved with such a symbolic monster. Buster mode, Malefic (which I expected more from in this duel given it's her signature monster, either that or not be used at all), and even Shooting Star Dragon which is not as "special" as Savior Star imho.

[b]Ironically, I considered that Shooting Star would be worse to use than Savior. Maybe I should have gone for actually Synchroing it properly over Synchro Change, though. It looks worse the way it is. *taking notes*[/b]

Oh, I neglected to check the card, assuming Konami decided to finally introduce some sense into the game's rulings and have all cards with essentially the same effects work in essentially the same way. But hey, after all these years, why now?

[b]It makes perfect sense, actually, if you know how card wordings and mechanics work. Skill Drain explicitly only affects faceup monsters, Wicked Rebirth bonds itself to the selected monster so the negation is applied as long as the card is "bonded", and cards like Eccentric Boy, Lost Star, and Synchro Change don't specify things like "as long as they're on the field", meaning the effect is outright negated and there isn't anything bonding the negation source to the monster that you can remove.[/b]

I must point out though the "overkill" in these two chapters. Malefis' first two duels and we've already seen so many boss monsters from her, I expect she'll fade off and not duel for a decent while, or that her duels will quickly become rather repetitive... or that you'll end up with just about a dozen custom Stardust upgrades. We'll see.
[/quote]

[b]You are right in predicting her temporary removal from the forefront of dueling activity, but it's more to avoid favoritism. Malefis got the first duel because she's a primary antagonist, and she got the second one to introduce her character and clear up a few questions that chapter 1 deliberately left. Your criticisms are appreciated as they can help me dodge or correct things that I normally don't deal with when writing outside the Yugioh genre.[/b]

[Vector Nightmare]

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291415881' post='4826754']I don't see how the distinction matters. Savior Star was portrayed as high-energy, or at the very least, flashy. If nothing else, your complaint is regarding the word "cheerful", which can easily be changed.[/quote]

It's just that it's an extremely weird expression to attribute to such a monster. Especially connecting Savior Star to the circumstances under which it's usually summoned, and what is happening in this duel, it feels really, really out of place.

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291415881' post='4826754']Ironically, I considered that Shooting Star would be worse to use than Savior. Maybe I should have gone for actually Synchroing it properly over Synchro Change, though. It looks worse the way it is. *taking notes*[/quote]

So she even has Savior Dragon in her deck? I kinda hoped she didn't, and she was just able to summon Savior Star via indirect means (and you actually wanted to throw that piece in by creating that scenario). Sort of like, you know, she "cheats" to obtain a power she can't legitimately have otherwise. Because alright, I can accept the spirit of a Stardust having access to its own upgrade, but Savior Dragon is explicitly a monster granted by the blessing of the Crimson Dragon, and should not be accessible to those that are not favored by its power. In fact it doesn't even seem to actually exist, it just seems to be "created" whenever there's a dire need for it. But enough about this, 5ds certainly gets no awards for making sense, and it's your story.

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291415881' post='4826754']It makes perfect sense, actually, if you know how card wordings and mechanics work. Skill Drain explicitly only affects faceup monsters, Wicked Rebirth bonds itself to the selected monster so the negation is applied as long as the card is "bonded", and cards like Eccentric Boy, Lost Star, and Synchro Change don't specify things like "as long as they're on the field", meaning the effect is outright negated and there isn't anything bonding the negation source to the monster that you can remove.[/quote]

That's not what I meant. If I had actually - ever - checked the card, I'd know the difference right away. I just based it off your description. What irks me is that some of these rulings are quite counter-intuitive. Theoretically if you negate the effect, it is gone, nada, zippo, your monster's a vanilla at least until the effect's lifespan ends (to put it in computer programming terms). But all this "hey this monster drops itself as a cost so the effect can be activated" issue which came up mainly with Stardust (it was there before), really bugs me. And at least if you did it that way you would assume they'd bother to group all negation effects under the same rules, but no. And don't tell me about wording and consistency, I've seen 2 cards that do the exact same thing and have quite different wordings. Konami is just about as inconsistent as it gets.

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1291415881' post='4826754']You are right in predicting her temporary removal from the forefront of dueling activity, but it's more to avoid favoritism. Malefis got the first duel because she's a primary antagonist, and she got the second one to introduce her character and clear up a few questions that chapter 1 deliberately left. Your criticisms are appreciated as they can help me dodge or correct things that I normally don't deal with when writing outside the Yugioh genre.[/quote]

I'm hoping Malefis will eventually become more of an anti-hero than a full villain, and will eventually be redeemed and possibly pushed into a more favorable spot. If you don't plan any of this to at least some extent, I fear that the exposition in the second and third chapter to her character, which stands out considering the serious lack of emphasis on the human characters, will not sit well with most readers. It's the type of red herring you usually want to avoid.

[Dr. Cakey]

1) I think I agree that Savior Star Dragon's loops being described is "cheerful" is kind of iffy. Anything other than some variation of "frickin' awesome" is unnecessary. I think the best thing to do might be to not color it with opinions on the context of the actions. It's a small thing, though.

2) Savior Star Dragon is less "unique" than Shooting Star Dragon, I think. Stick with it, especially since its effects are much more useful for a character who doesn't rely on having five Tuners on top of their Deck at all times. But Savior Dragon shouldn't be in her deck. Its appearance also jars with all other dragons, since it looks more like a dragonfly, if you've noticed.

3) Let me try to explain how this negating deal works (if I even have it right). Skill Drain negates things only on the field. Once a monster is Released, it isn't on the field. However, if a card negates the effects, not specifying location (i.e. Wicked Rebirth), a monster Released is neither on the field nor in the Graveyard when the effect resolves. It is in the state of having been Released, and has not been 'reset' so as to be no longer affected by the card in question. If the monster's effect activates by being sent to the Graveyard, the effect would resolve successfully.

4) Redemption tends to be pretty well canned. If you don't already have a plan in place, I'd generally advise against it, at least in this case.

[evilfusion]

All right, from the looks of it, I should revamp parts of chapter 3. There seems to be a few issues, both in terms of the duel itself, and just some of the out-of-duel aspects. I seem to have lost track of precisely what I was going for in the first two chapters, and that led to chapter 3 being a bit...off.

As for Malefis...redemption isn't in the cards. She doesn't want to be redeemed.

[evilfusion]

Revamp of chapter 3 completed.

[Dementuo]

Read the 3rd chapter, and I gotta say...

No, I don't really like flying. Why do you ask?

Dark plots are so fun.

[Vector Nightmare]

[quote name='Dr. Cakey' timestamp='1291429219' post='4827276']3) Let me try to explain how this negating deal works (if I even have it right). Skill Drain negates things only on the field. Once a monster is Released, it isn't on the field. However, if a card negates the effects, not specifying location (i.e. Wicked Rebirth), a monster Released is neither on the field nor in the Graveyard when the effect resolves. It is in the state of having been Released, and has not been 'reset' so as to be no longer affected by the card in question. If the monster's effect activates by being sent to the Graveyard, the effect would resolve successfully.[/quote]

Pretty much everyone and their grandmother knows how it works now, we were all forced to learn when lolStardust came into play. My mistake came from the fact that I hadn't read the card text, and I just based it off the description in the chapter, which - thankfully - wasn't detailed enough to accurately convey the full text, so I basically thought of it as the more common type of negation which only applies while the monster is f-up on the field.

Anyway, I liked the changes, they were pretty much on the spot. I also laughed out loud at how you described Savior Star as a dragonfly - that probably came from Cakey's post, but he was referring to Savior Dragon (that little red tuner thing) as a dragonfly, not the actual Savior Star Dragon, which... looks nothing like a dragonfly. Well, maybe it does, slightly. A huge shining silver dragonfly of doom.

[evilfusion]

I was always lacking a good description of Savior Star's wings. Dragonfly fit really well, much better than my previous description.

[Barian Warlord]

I want CH 4 WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[.Nu-13]

CHAPTER 4 PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZ

[evilfusion]

I'm working on it, I'm working on it.

[Barian Warlord]

Aliens came to my house and told me if chapter 4 wasn't out in 3 days they'd blow up the earth.

[Barian Warlord]

Also how do you change the title of stuff on the site now???/

[evilfusion]

You edit the first post, using the Full Editor.

And I dont know about 3 days. Two of those days my computer availability may be sporadic, and I've hit a writer's block again.