An excerpt of my (OC cast) "Clash of the Titans"

[Quzo]

Firstly, please excuse the unimaginative title for the story; I will think of a better one in time.

Would you keep on reading, and is it worth me writing much more? After viewing the excerpt you may want to take some time reading the plot I have planned. I thank you in advance. Click on the green box to view the excerpt.

[spoiler=This is a spoiler click to view my writing.][size="4"]The island and country of Castonia was built on the legacy of one man. The man’s name was Qualagaga which in Castonian means savoir of the people. He was a great tribal chief and military leader etched into legend that united the squabbling kingdoms of ancient times. The legend states he literally went to hell and back for the sake of his people.

Castonia is an island made up of two halves as it is divided by a channel called the River Caltan. Qualagaga resided on one side of it with his now united kingdom, whilst on the other side a man with similar intentions reigned supreme. His name was Ospelata, which in Castonian means advocate of the devil. The legend states that he was possessed by Synd, the guardian and administrator of the underworld, and he had chosen Ospelata to help achieve his evil intentions. Synd wanted him to not only conquer the whole island but the lands unknown to Castonians’ of the time and untimely, find the door to the spirit world which would mean both worlds would unite*. To do this Synd gave Ospelata the power of dark magic with which he raised a mighty army.

With the help of his evil army he took the whole eastern part of the island relatively quickly. From the Pacific coast, right the way to the Caltan which meandered across the center he ruled with an iron fist. Synd was pleased with the progress he had made and together they purged the conquered lands of their opponents. His people lived in terror and any talk of as saviour was outlawed. During his rule many grand monuments were built from the blood of the commoners in order to please him and Synd.
The monuments stood ominously and from across the Caltan Qualagaga could see the suffering of the people. He wanted to get across but the Caltan, the thing that had blessed him with the time to prepare, prevented him from doing anything about it, without suffering huge losses, just like it stopped Ospelata attacking. He would look across in despair, unsure whether to make the first move. Every day, at the same time in the morning, looking across he felt the same sorrow as his brothers and sisters, and each day his people would beg of him to do something.

The only problem for Synd and Ospelata was that the key to the door to the spirit world was located on the other side of the island. A week passed, then another and another, until finally all the planets of the solar system where aliened perfectly. This was when Ospelata made his attack...

*Black holes may have a white hole at the other end.[/size][/spoiler]

The fan-fic will probably end up as at least PG-13. Hopefully not higher.

Obviously the good guy wins in the end and the people live happily ever after but some people still looked up to the evil guy despite all that he did and eventually they resurface as the "Utopia Movement" in the main story (which has some similarities to Arcadia in 5ds but I don't want to be seen as copying). Many people are suspicious of their intentions as they have been connected with many killings. Although the keep telling people how they want to make the world a better place. The group aims find the person who should be possessed the god of the underworld in the future (when the planets are about to align again as this has special significance) as he tries once again to take over the island and world (along with the rest of the galaxy this time too) and restart the old war of legend and take advantage of a now fractured society where crime is rampant with flase promises of hope.

There are two twins created in the lab were created in order to tackle societies problems by being super duellists who can survive even the harshest of duels. However, after a while they seem to mimic the great leaders of legend and though of one of them actually being possessed which turns a lot of heads in the utopia movement. They know this is their chance succeed in what their predecessors failed. They have been waiting thousands of years for this moment and they won't let it slip away lightly etc, etc.

The evil tiwn manages to escape the lab and kill the scientist that created them after winning a duel in which he manages to inflict real damage. This leaves the scientist's daughter in a coma and the not so evil twin is left searching for answers. In order to appease his curiosity he his taken to some very dark places...

And taken form another post of mine elsewhere on the site:

I have kept to certain standards like:

1.Having a Kuriboh monster for a main character.
2. the main character's signature monster have 2500 ATK/2000DEF
3. and Rival's having 3000ATK/2500DEF.
4. There is an ancient culture and feud the story is based around.

But also:
5. There will be lots of custom cards (some to make pre-existing cards such as currently rubbish nomral monsters more useful) but also characters
6. Alongside new cards many existing cards and archetypes that have not yet debuted in the anime
7. and most of the major characters will have a deck based on their personality.

There will also be a new kind of monster for the extra deck that requires only 1 material monster and they will be based on the chemical process of Derivitization (which is also the name of the spell card required to summon them).

For example, the TCG card "Stone Dragon" could become a more powerful "Ironclad Dragon" by the powers of Derivitization, or a normal sized monster could become a Giant etc.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Here comes Evangelion with more critisism against newbs. Used to be End Gamer.

1. Clash of the Titans is an existing 3-D Movie that recently aired.
2. Let's take a look at all the names here:
Castonia - Okay. Good sense of naming.
Qualagaga - What sort of Native American is this guy? Can't you make it less Squanto and Pop and add some coolness?
River Caltan - Okay.
Ospelata - Again. A Native American.
Synd - Okay.
3. [i]A week passed, then another and another, until finally all the planets of the solar system where aliened perfectly. [/i]
I dun geddit. Just a bit ago it was a medieval place, and suddenly it becomes Star Wars. I get it, Lord Seth's true form was Ospelata, and Luke Skywalker was Qualagaga.
4. The Utopia Movement? Lab? Scientist? Again. At what time is this set? Medieval or ancient or present or future? At least the first part didn't look so futuristic. Why are there scientists? Aren't they just Spellcasters or something? If it was set in the future, why can't an army cross the river? Bombarding planes exist.

Well, 2. is OK if you wish to keep it that way, but as for advises 1, 3, and 4, I request you do something.

[Quzo]

[quote name='=Evangelion=' timestamp='1288436443' post='4749232']
Here comes Evangelion with more critisism against newbs. Used to be End Gamer.
[/quote]
Yes ok, I am a newb. Please forgive me as I am new to the fan fiction section...

[quote name='=Evangelion=' timestamp='1288436443' post='4749232']
1. Clash of the Titans is an existing 3-D Movie that recently aired.
3. [i]A week passed, then another and another, until finally all the planets of the solar system where aliened perfectly. [/i]
I dun geddit. Just a bit ago it was a medieval place, and suddenly it becomes Star Wars. I get it, Lord Seth's true form was Ospelata, and Luke Skywalker was Qualagaga.
4. The Utopia Movement? Lab? Scientist? Again. At what time is this set? Medieval or ancient or present or future? At least the first part didn't look so futuristic. Why are there scientists? Aren't they just Spellcasters or something? If it was set in the future, why can't an army cross the river? Bombarding planes exist.

Well, 2. is OK if you wish to keep it that way, but as for advises 1, 3, and 4, I request you do something.
[/quote]

I'm sorry I should have made it clear. The prolouge is a retelling of a legend that is the focus on the mian story. The prolouge is set in the Stone Age and it isn't finished but at least now I have some food for thought. Chapter one is set in the future and I hope to include a varient of turbo duels. There no spellcasters.
[i]
I do in fact have a reviewer I pay (gaia gold and she also plays Yu-Gi-Oh) but she has been busy latley and is unable to check my work for the time being. College work I think.[/i]

[DARKPLANT RISING]

[quote name='Quzo' timestamp='1288440016' post='4749277']
Yes ok, I am a newb. Please forgive me as I am new to the fan fiction section...[/quote]
I didn't mean it as a negative meaning. Sorry if you were mistaken.
[quote name='Quzo' timestamp='1288440016' post='4749277']
I'm sorry I should have made it clear. The prolouge is a retelling of a legend that is the focus on the mian story. The prolouge is set in the Stone Age and it isn't finished but at least now I have some food for thought. Chapter one is set in the future and I hope to include a varient of turbo duels. There no spellcasters.[/quote]
Oh, I get it now. Thanks for telling me that.
But I personally think that stories starting with legends are really boring. So if I were you, I would fold the legend into some part of the story, like in chapter 3 or something, when a character tells the reader it.

[Quzo]

[quote name='=Evangelion=' timestamp='1288441552' post='4749294']
I didn't mean it as a negative meaning. Sorry if you were mistaken.

Oh, I get it now. Thanks for telling me that.
But I personally think that stories starting with legends are really boring. So if I were you, I would fold the legend into some part of the story, like in chapter 3 or something, when a character tells the reader it.
[/quote]
That's ok. Well considering where I want to take the story I think I will have the legend later on when another character explains it. Before I was going to start the story in the lab where the main characters where born so perhaps I should do that? I was thinking about starting the story with the daugther watching E-Heros as a cartoon on TV (this will be a running gag) with the nicer of the 2 twins and then suddenly the evil twin is born (he comes out of the homeostatic pod). There is a duel and after it the young boy gets put up for adoption/is fostered following the sicentists death. (he created the twins to avenge the death of his wife who died because of gang crime)