Catterjune Posted October 23, 2010 Report Share Posted October 23, 2010 Random thoughts and info: - I've been told the premise sounds like Fire Emblem mixed with Naruto, however I've never seen or read the animanga and never played the video game, so any similarities between this story and anything are entirely coincidental, except when they're not. - Not all scenes immediately follow each other. In fact, for the most parts the scenes start with one (group) of characters, then jumps to whatever the next group is doing. - This story will probably be long, or at least have many chapters. I reserved the right to lose any and all motivation and leave the story incomplete. =D Prologue: [spoiler= Prologue]We all knew the story. Sixteen years ago the world was a much harsher place. The cataclysm that had claimed so many lives. The sky was enshrouded in darkness, the earth roared in pain, and the oceans twisted and churned. It was the darkest moment in human history. Famine, disease, death were all rampant and at every corner. And then one day... it just stopped. The oceans quelled, the earth dulled, and once again the sun rose as though absolutely nothing happened. Those that were left were overjoyed, they had been sparred and it was time to pick up the pieces and begin anew. They told us it was the day we were born, the very moment in fact. As if our presences had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth. We were their little angels, pure-hearted children destined to mark the end of suffering forever. If only they knew how wrong they were.[/spoiler] Chapter 1 - One Moment: [spoiler=Chapter 1 - One Moment]"Is this it?" the dark haired youth looked over the table that spread before him. A lone box on the far right corner, pressed against the wall and wrapped in a bright blue paper. A simply decorated cake, with 16 candles haphazardly dropped in place, almost messing up the phrase 'Happy Birthday Dillon' imprinted on the cake in a blue frosting. "I invited like... all the kids in town, and not one of them showed up?" "Now now Dillon," a kindly woman's voice addressed him. "Don't get upset over kids not liking you. After all, you've still got your mom and dad, right?" She leaned down to his eye level, smiling politely, eyes closed at him. Dillon crossed his arms across his chest and pouted, a grunt of annoyance escaping. "Yeah yeah..." he said. "But you guys are legally required to love me." He smirked, running a hand through his hair. "I mean... you two are my parents..." a tone of uneasiness in his voice, as he spoke unsure of himself. "But... not one of the other kids in this damn hellhole came? What do they have to do?" "Dillon! Language!" she scolded. The dark haired youth rolled his eyes as he walked over to the candles. "Sorry, sorry..." he halfheartedly apologized. "I think I have some right to be upset though." He took a deep breathe in before blowing out the candles. "Maybe I'll go find out what the other kids are up to." A devilish grin on his face, as he walked over to the door. "Dillon?" she called out, but before she could even stop him he was already gone. She sighed, before calling out. "Be back before sundown! You know how father and I worry!" --- Dillon Wasser casually strode through the forest, the crunch of foliage under his feet were ignored in favor to the sound of his own thoughts. Sure, he loved his parents and knew they loved him, but since revealing him to he was adopted last week, he couldn't help but feel the relationship was rather strained. Not helped by the fact he was largely considered unpopular among the other teens his age. Upset over the turn of events, his footsteps seemed to lead to him to the local river. A quaint, secluded spot where he'd be alone with his thoughts. Or so he thought. Unbeknown to our dark haired youth, as his concentration was torn, he was being watched. A raven haired beauty, in her mid 30's yet still looking exceedingly beautiful, spied on the youth as he casually threw rocks into the river. He seemed to be throwing it with a purpose, as though trying to skip rocks, or see how far he could his rock to go. "You can skip rocks better on still water." she began. The sudden voice broke the young man from his concentration. "Wh-what!?" Looking around, he spotted her. She wore a tight, form fitting leather skirt and a rather revealing white tunic. There was a belt running from her right shoulder to just above her ample hips, typically a sign of someone carrying something with them, though from where he stood, Dillon couldn't tell what she brought. Her deep purple eyes looked the young man over, and when their eyes met his face turned exceedingly pink. "Uhh... y-yes?" he began, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment, feeling rather ashamed for looking her over so thoroughly. "The rivers current is much too rapid. You can't skip rocks over it." She smiled, breaking her intensely focused countenance, and now looking even more beautiful. "Ohh uhh... I knew that." Dillon hoped he hadn't been blushing too hard, as he wanted to make a good impression on the woman. "I was kind of just..." He had been practicing for the next time he saw any of those that he had invited, but he couldn't let the woman know he was so petty. "Just seeing how far I could throw those rocks. You know, amazing feats of strength and all that?" A nervous laugh escaped the boy, but the woman seemed unamused, despite holding the same smile. She slowly began walking up to Dillon, a hand over he head and behind her back. Dillon meanwhile was still trying to think straight. "So uhh... you're not from around here right?" She continued walking, methodically. "I've never seen you before and yet... you look so familiar." She was now no more then five feet away, ignoring everything Dillon had to say. "I don't think I'd forget someone as... um... someone like you." At last, the woman spoke. "Is today your birthday by any chance?" Dillon blinked, perplexed by the question offered to him by the exceedingly attractive older woman. So focused on the question was he, he hadn't noticed the rather awkward position the woman was in, right hand reaching over her head for something on her back. "Yeah, how did-" Was all he could manage before he heard the sound of a sword unsheathing. "Woah!" The sound had caused Dillon to jump backwards. In the following split second, he saw the woman holding a long, elegant sword, striking where he had just stood. She took another step and another slash as Dillon continued scrambling backwards. In his panic, he hadn't noticed he had run out of land a while ago, falling into the river. He took a good lungful of water before trying to surface in a coughing fit. The woman meanwhile merely watched from the riverbank, still a cruel smirk on her face. "Enjoy the waterfall." She proclaimed, before calmly taking her leave. Dillon, casually floating down the rapid currents had never attempted to swim through, however the roaring of a cascade was clearly audible. "Oh hell..." he muttered. The woman was correct, there was a waterfall, and he had precious little time to find a way out. [b]-----[/b] "Is this it?" the white haired blue-eyed youth looked over the collection plate after she had gotten it back. A few silver and copper pieces looked back at her as the young lady in the robes. Gathering the small metal pieces, she dropped it into a larger, locked box in the back. Seeing the large group of people gathering in the church, she had just assumed there'd be more contributions then normal, not less. Amidst the soft lighting from the candles and through the stained glass windows, she looked over the large group gathering on the pews. Most of the typicals from the village were in place, but they were greatly out numbered by several, uniformly dressed people. Wearing long hooded, flowing dark maroon, brown and black cloaks our young lady couldn't particularly identify any of them, and the large group of 20 or so didn't do anything to identify themselves. Only one man among the group spoke, and they all had their hoods up, concealing a large portion of their face. They took their seats, and overall it felt a bit tense to the girl, but they couldn't exactly turn people away. After all, this was a church. The sound of the door opening alerted the girl of a new entrant, however it wasn't her Father like she expected. The man certainly looked like he could be her father's age, but he most certainly was not. An unfamiliar blonde man, a large scar from the top of his forehead, extending down towards the bottom of his left ear. He wore a plain, unassuming cream colored tunic and regular trousers, with a pair of simple leather shoes. The only thing that stood out about him was the sword he carried on his back. "Uhh..." began the girl, about to inform him to leave his weapons with her, but the intense expression on the older man's face made her think twice. He looked at her with scorn in his eyes, not saying one word before taking a seat near the back. --- Before long, the girl's father, the priest of the church, emerged and took his place at the head of the pulpit. His dark brown eyes looked over the group quickly, a full house, before he began. "Sixteen years ago, our world Was at an end. The cataclysm that had nearly ended the world was rising, gaining in strength. Our people had no hope until... that day." A twinkle in his eye as he looked at his daughter. He motioned towards the stained glass windows, a series of 9 colorful displays showing the story of the rise and fall of evil. "The cruel, all powerful demon lord Absolution had blanketed our world in darkness for a thousand years." A hideous monstrous apparition was displayed as the first along the windows. "But what absolution did not account for, was the five brave Knights and Dames of Kadasid." The next window displayed five brave and heroic looking warriors. They wore mostly white armor, along with colorful sashes around their belts. The white haired youth's eyes followed her Father's words, but something felt off. She had passed the windows a thousand times, had personally cleaned them too, yet for some reason the words felt... more real this time. She couldn't quite place it, but something about the window struck of chord of extreme familiarity to her, and not just because she had seen it before. "The ladies and gentleman of that most holy order of knights faced the harshest of trials, squared off against Absolution's most destructive minions." He motioned quickly past the next five windows. Each showed one of the previous mentioned knights in a heroic pose, fighting various threats. The youngest was fighting an enormous snake. The leader was fighting a dragon. The second in command had his sword implanted in a mythical, two headed dog beast. One of the knights was pictured about to charge against an enormous, giant cyclops. The last one had dove to the bottom of the sea and was fighting an enormous, multi-armed squid-like monster. Our female however had her eyes glued on one of them in particular. Something about it stuck out to her all of a sudden. "After completing the many trials that laid before them, our grand heroes ascended Absolution's palace and faced the demon lord head on." A direct confrontation between the dark monster from the first panel and the 5 knights from the second could be seen. "And, in the end the Knights and Dames of Kadasid had expelled evil from our land. And our world had been prosperous ever since." The final window a display of a happy, peaceful landscape. "Our church is happy to declare one final thing. My darling adopted daughter, Mystral, the joy and light of my life made her way to us exactly 16 years ago today." He motioned towards the girl in the back of the room, eyes still glued onto the stained glass. The knight fighting the two-headed hell hound. However, an unfamiliar sound and peculiar sensation soon engulfed her. It sounded like the sound of twenty or so men repositioning themselves, of old wood creaking as bodies moved to get a better look of something. The feeling she had felt, was one of having all eyes on her. She blinked, then slowly turned her head to her right. She turned to see the many men and women in the robes staring at her. Them along with the older man who took a seat to the back. "Uhh... hi?" She blushed, awkwardly trying to wave. While the normal church attendants just turned back once they had gotten a decent look at her and tossed her smile, the robed group and the older man stared at her with a violent intensity, as though she had just delivered to them the greatest insult imaginable. Mystral looked the group over, but only the older gentleman really stood out. After all, he was the only one who's face was not covered. She felt a familiar feeling as she looked the older gentleman over. He calmly stood up, however the people in the robes quickly stood to follow. "Uhh..." Mystral seemed alarmed by all the sudden motion. Quiet whispers amongst the normal church attenders, before the leader at the pulpit, Father Vento spoke once again. "My sisters and brothers, is their something the matter?" a tone of worry and confusion as the robed ones stood in a horseshoe formation around the older man and the young girl. And as she looked the scene over, Mystral suddenly realized where she recognized the older man from before. She pointed an accusing finger at him "You're... you're..." then at the stained glass window. "You're one of the Knights of Kadasid!"[/spoiler] [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/226398-fragments-an-original-story/page__p__4760440#entry4760440]Chapter 1 - Part 2 - Ask Questions Later[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2010 I know my legions of "fans" are wondering if and when this terribad story will be updated, and I'll have you know Chapter 2 is being worked on (and the rest of the story mildly planned out, except for the ending), I'm just swamped with work right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted November 1, 2010 Report Share Posted November 1, 2010 It's interesting. Just wanted to let you know I was reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Womi Posted November 1, 2010 Report Share Posted November 1, 2010 Putting this into Foe Fic would cause an instant implosion of time and space. Or something along those lines. Whatever, Miss Person, me likey teh fan fic, duh. Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2010 Lol, next chapter: Chapter 1 - Part 2 - Ask Questions Later: [spoiler=Chapter 1 - Part 2 - Ask Questions Later]"Is this it?" the orange haired young man questioned, a smile at the older man who laid the merchandise; a small bag and a sword; on the counter. A quick nod from the older gentleman affirming this was his choice. "That'll be 2 silver pieces then!" The young man gave the older gentleman a quick salute. However, the salute was not returned, and the man not so gentle. "What!?" His brow furrowed in anger as he reached for a short pocket knife from a spot upon his belt. He held it in a threatening manner. "You scum sucking bottom feeder! You set up shop at the furthest end of the desert just because you knew travelers HAD to pay your outrageous prices!" The orange haired 16 year old didn't flinch at the man's accusations. He picked up the sword on the table and looked it over, basking in his own reflection before speaking. "Sir, you are speaking to Aiden Saltare, owner of this fine establishment. Did you really think I'd surround myself with so many knives, weapons, and axes if I wasn't adeptly aware of how to use them?" A vicious scowl from the man, before the red headed Aiden quickly struck the man's knife, causing him to drop it. He looked at the young man for a few seconds before reaching into his pocket and dumping two small pieces of metal onto the counter. "There!" He bellowed, before picking up his knife and putting it back upon his belt, and taking his bag and sword from the red head. The traveler left the general store in exasperation and annoyance Aiden called out in a mocking tone, "Thank you, come again!" Aiden Saltare, aged 16 years, was the current owner of the Desert Oasis, a small shop in the middle of the largest desert in the land. Abandoned as a newborn, he was tossed out into the world without anything to help him until he was found by a local blacksmith. Learning a few tools of the trade, at age 12 Aiden began traveling the world looking for whom ever may need a traveling blacksmith. Some time later, as if by chance, he stumbled across the Desert Oasis, a token of bad luck if anything else. He and the elderly caretaker bonded and quickly became friends. Aiden decided to stick around and help the current owner of the Desert Oasis, until the he passed away two years later, when Aiden was 14. Now, Aiden had been the sole owner of the shop for a little over a year. A simple shop who's only claim to fame was it was the only shop for miles. The shack itself was no bigger then 12 by 12 feet, a cluttered mess of wares were everywhere. There were two doors to the shop, one in the back and one in the front. The back door lead to an outdoor oasis, a small fences in pond and a few crops the boy could manage to grow in the harsh desert area. The livelihood of the Desert Oasis relied entirely on the fact that adventurers had to pass by, and they'd be forced to buy overpriced junk. However, that wasn't the entire operation. Transporting the goods was also a job that needed doing. Aiden crossed his hands across his chest, an impatient look about his face. "He's late..." Not that his store was in particular demand at the moment, but it was the principle of the thing. The messenger boy, hired by the old caretaker of the Desert Oasis, had the task of going to town, buying supplies, and bring them here no later then high noon Not having anything particularly important to do anymore, Aiden approached a small cot behind the counter. If he were needed, he was sure a customer would wake him. And with that, laid down and closed his eyes, dozing off. --- Perhaps a half an hour later, a young man had entered the shop. A rather thin, short young man. No facial hair, yet clearly some hint of maturity upon him. He was the same age as Aiden, until today that is, when Aiden would now be officially recognized as a 16 year old. "Hey! Aiden! Where are you? I brought back those stupid root things and I'm hoping to get paid THIS week." Aiden awakened slightly, but remained mostly hidden. "Hope leads to disappointment." he muttered dreamily, tossing in his small cot. The messenger rolled his eyes dismissively, as he walked over to the counter. "Serious Aiden, I finally got the flower shop girl to agree to go out with me and I need to get her something nice." "Get her some flowers." Aiden remarked dismissively, not getting up from the cot. "I'll pay you when I've cleared the last of the remaining Fraggle Root inventory." Before the messenger could argue some more, the sound of the door opening took his attention. A charming young raven haired woman stood within the entrance way, clearly overdressed for the warm desert. She wore mostly black, a dark no-sleeved tunic along with some kind of leather or animal-hide pants. Around her neck was an unseasonably warm looking black wool scarf. Her long hair draped behind her, like a cape or a hood. The messenger looked a little surprised to see a second person at the store. After all, he was certain he hadn't been followed and the flatland of the desert gave little room for hiding. He assumed she was probably another pair of hands Aiden had hired recently, or perhaps a significant other considering she didn't look too old, perhaps a woman in her mid-20s. "Uh, hell-" was as far as the messenger got. With unrelenting speed and in one sudden movement, the woman removed the knife from the holster on her right leg and threw it, impaling the youth in the face. The knife, no more then 5 inches in length, was attached to a chain, which she removed and retracted in one quick motion. She smirked to herself and, just as quickly and as suddenly as she had entered, turned heel and escaped. Aiden meanwhile, was stunned at the sound of what he just heard, but not quite stunned enough to get out of bed. "Mikey!" He called out, to the know dead messenger. "What was that?" Before sitting up and surveying the violent scene. --- "Is this it?" The girl sneered, before putting on an over the top laugh. Her hands on her hips as she looked over a small group of poorly dressed individuals over. "When I was informed the bandit's headquarters had been found, Elise and I came as quick as we could, but we didn't quite expect to find this." Riding on horseback, the brave general stood before the vanquished troops, about 12 or so unarmed middle aged men, arms tied behind them, and leather cuffs on their legs, like a chain gang. The dozen man group was arranged in a row. "Done gloating?" one of the older bandits asked the young, 16 year old general, an indignant tone to his voice. A light giggle erupted from the 16 year old, a snide tone to her voice as she dismounted her noble white steed. Decked out in all the latest of armaments, her brilliant armor and glimmering blade inspired an air of nobility and the 100 or so men that flanked her on both sides, wielding swords, knives, axes, and bows and arrows inspired fear and hostility. She approached the group of bandits, calmly and elegantly before speaking. "You've raided your last village, and now I'm here ensure swift justice is carried out! Your lives are in my hand right now, and you dare throw insults?" She turned to face the 100 man army, scanning the group. They had been arranged by the weapons they wielded, 10 on horseback and sword, 10 on horseback with a bow and arrow, 30 archers, 15 with axes, 15 with spears and pole arms, and the remaining 30 armed with swords. "Gentlemen, attention!" All of them struck a heroic and dynamic military pose. She turned her attention to the archers specifically. "Archers! This is a firing squad so please, step forward!" She stood about 3 meters away from the bandits, and 20 yards from the first row of military men. The archers quickly enough reached her, lining up next to her, 15 on each side. "Present! Arms!" All 30 men loaded their arrows in place and pulled back, aiming at the 12 man team of bandits would soon be dealt with. "On the count of three!" However, the brave 16 year old military general did not march into the bandit's settlement alone. A single man wearing dark robes and a eye patch had his one good eye on her since she had stepped from out of the fortified castle town. He was a rather handsome, thin looking bishonen-type man with spikey hair. He wore dark pants and a dark violet coat, along with thick gloves over his hand and leather shoes. He held a 1 meter in diameter circular buzzsaw, attached tho his arm with a 12 foot chain. "One!" He slowly trotted up behind the 100 man army, taking care not to draw attention to himself until he was only about 100 or so meters away. "Two!" When he finally felt he was at a reasonable shouting distance, he had at last deemed it appropriate to make his presence known. "Th-" "General Terra Arbor!" The handsome male loudly declared. The archers lost their concentration and lowered the bow, sparing the 12 bandits for now. Our female military woman looked up, as the rest in her company began whispering. "At ease!" she declared loudly, in an attempt to get her army to shut up as she attempted to take control of the situation. The man with the buzzsaw smiled politely, running a hand through his hair, as though he didn't even notice the hundred men between them. The man attached the buzzsaw to his right arm, as he loudly spoke: "I don't believe any introductions are necessary. A famed general, a legendary Knight, let's skip the small talk and get right down to the main event." The man stood unflinching as the rest of her army slowly inched closer. The archers in the back loaded their bows and prepared for an assault, most operating under the assumption that this was a fellow bandit. At last he finally gave the 100 man squad some of his attention. Never the less, he looked past them at the girl. "Call off your men if you have any honor. If they choose to stand in my way, they should not expect to be spared." He spoke bluntly, as he took a step forward. Terra raised a brow at the man's boastful claim. She then looked towards the troops ahead of her. She knew even though their eyes were on the man ahead of them, rather then the 16 year old behind them, they could still hear. "Show this man just what the Royal Army is made of!" She loudly declared, followed by the roar of excitement from the rest of her comrades. All 100 men charged forward, a simple smile on the cloaked figure's head as he looked over his blade. "So be it." --- The mysterious man stood his ground, not moving until the men were within striking distance. Obviously, the horse drawn cavalry arrived first, so they'd be the first to go. He lamented hurting the horses and would do his best to finish this little battle without any injury befalling them. Quickly, the cloaked figure threw his serrated blade, cleanly cutting the nearest soldier right down the middle. Unfortunately for you readers, the writer of this story is very, very terrible at writing action sequences. Also, getting into any detail would probably require bumping this up to a PG16-ish territory, and I'd rather avoid that. In any case, the battle was short and well fought, but after ripping through the first man on horseback, he dramatically leapt on the horse to get a bit of a height advantage. He jumped into a crowd, spinning his blade every which way and clearing about 10 or so other soldiers, presumably killing them. He used his serrated disk to block arrows, before rushing ahead and wiping out the entire archery section, then pulled his blade towards him and, holding onto a handle-like centerpiece fought the sword wielders one-on-one. Within a mater of about 5 minutes, Terra's 100 man army had been reduced to a paltry 10 man group. Terra stood in awe at what had just occurred, but as her numbers dwindled, she felt this was not a fight she could win. Not right now anyway. She hurried towards her brave horse, Elise then turned to the other men. "RETREAT!" Elise and Terra, along with one random soldier she managed to grab as Elise galloped onward, back towards the castle town. The robed figure cut one final swordsman's arm off, before realizing his target had fled the scene. He looked at the sea of discarded body parts and dying men, along with 11 of the 12 bandits dead. The army seemed to distract him from his goal of killing the girl. A faint shrug, but he tried not to think of it too much. "Cutting all of these idiots open, I guess I really did find out what they were made of." He sneered before laughing quietly to himself. The cloaked man then left the battle grounds, preparing for the next time he and general Terra would meet again. --- "... Is that it?" A pleasant smile on the androgynous teen's face as he looked up at the older, gray haired man. The older gentleman looked at that 16 year old youth who had just finished speaking. He had heard rumours of a child in the forest, born and raised by wolves and taught English by a terrible fanfic writer. The gray haired man looked over the teen, an uneasy feeling as he still hadn't ascertained the 16 year old's gender. "So then, you'll join the Occultists?" the man questioned, not entirely sure on the kid's position, despite the way they spoke. The glassy eyed stare from the youth, combined with the desheveled, homeless look of ridiculous animal pelts, no shoes, matted hair, and dirty face, he seemed blissfully unaware of the magnitude of the things the older gentleman. "Sure thing old man." stated the fragment holder with a quick shrug. A sinister smirk spread out upon the robed man's face. "And please, call me Father Grayscythe."[/spoiler] Just about every main character has been introduced now! (Except 1!) =D! ... Fifth Knight/Dame of Kadasid in the second (or third?) chapter. <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Lol, writers block. Good thing no one's actually reading this, otherwise I'd feel bad! =D I'll work on the second (or third?) chapter this week... or not. *shrug* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 tl ; dr Well, I read up to where the secksy lady was trying to kill him. Suggestion: Cut the story so the chapters are shorter. Chapter 1-1 Could easily make 2 chapters. :/ Anyways, from what I've read so far, the story is pretty interesting. Keep 'em coming. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 [quote name='Ātman' timestamp='1289273244' post='4773508'] Suggestion: Cut the story so the chapters are shorter. Chapter 1-1 Could easily make 2 chapters. :/ [/quote] Well you see... *throws acid in face!* ... But mostly, I wanna keep each "chapter" at around 2000 words. It's not too difficult to read all of that at once, is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1289276291' post='4773623'] Well you see... *throws acid in face!* ... But mostly, I wanna keep each "chapter" at around 2000 words. It's not too difficult to read all of that at once, is it? [/quote] *acid flies through face* It's not too hard, but it gets tedious. :/ If you wana keep it ~2000, that's fine. I ain't tellin' ya what to do, I'm just giving my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 I can agree with the sentiment that it's a painful chore to read, but I don't feel it's really all that long, and I prefer having similar-ish scenes together (by chapter). I'll see what I can do if and when I write the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 16, 2010 I've decided to "sort of" take your advice. I'll write the same length for each chapter, except it'll be Chapter X - Subtitle - Part 1. Speaking of which: Chapter 2 - Those That Stand Against Us - Part 1 (of 5) [spoiler=Chapter 2 - Those That Stand Against Us - Part 1 (of 5)] Dillon awoke some time later, wrapped in unfamiliar blankets and wearing unfamiliar clothes. As he attempted to stir, he spotted his sleeve, a rather large, baggy robe reminiscent of the ones Mystral had seen several chapters ago. All he could tell upon waking up was he was outside, lying down, looking at the star-filled sky. "Ah, you've awaken!" an equally unfamiliar voice called out, a tone of relief in his voice. Dillon attempted to awaken, but found himself feeling weak, the heavy blanket draped over him felt like a hundred pound boulder. After a bit of struggling, he managed to sit up straight. Looking about, he spotted himself surrounded by hooded figures, in some kind of camp setting. A small fire lay in the center of the camp, and by now it seemed all the hooded figures had turned to seed him. An awkward, uncomfortable feeling until the voice that had called him identified himself. "We found you drifting by in a nearby river. We thought you'd already been taken from this Earth, but it looks like the Gods of Water had taken pity upon you." Dillon's eyes scanned the scene, the speed of his eyes movement causing the world to blur. At the man's last word, he managed to catch who it was. A handsome young, pale faced gentleman. White hair, but light blue eyes, like a man much older then he would really be. If DIllon had to place an age on him, he'd assume the man to be somewhere in his low 20's, despite the hair, though he'd be unable to tell for sure. "I am called Nicholas GrayScythe." He nodded, extending a friendly open palm to our young friend. Dillon was still rather in a daze, awkwardly punching his open palm. Nicholas gave him a skeptical look, before beginning anew. "We are of the clan GrayScythe, lead by the most expert assassin and bodyguard in all the land. However," A modest laugh. "We have a broad range of interests. We are not vicious savages only interested in bloodshed and payment. Recently we took up... a most engaging practice of rituals and devotion. Our dream is to lead the world into a new age of order and prosperity, with us at the helm!" "You mean like a cult?" The fatigued young man raised a brow at what the older gentleman had spoken. "I... would not quite put it in those terms." A defensive tone to his voice. "However, our interest in the new world order have lead us to you." "Me? But I'm just some kid. What do you need me for? And what time is it? I need to get back home soon. Mom and dad are-" "Dead, possibly." A serious expression on the young GrayScythe's face. Those words chilled Dillon to the bone, until the man burst into a fit of giggles. "Well, possibly not as well." "What are you talking about!?" Dillon found in him a hereby unknown string of strength. The moonlit sky began to fade, obscured by dark storm clouds, in a rather swift manner. "Settle down my friend." Began Nicholas, a reassuring tone to his voice. "Though you really must wonder what those that stand against us are up to." Dillon blinked, recalling what had happened moments before he blacked out. A beautiful and attractive young woman had nearly impaled him with a rather impressive blade. However, for what it was worth he had no clue as to who she was or why she was after him. "Who..." he began. "Who was she?" "You speak of Dame Jasksya correct?" A clever smirk spread on the other's face. "Despite her noble rank, and notable achievements she, and the rest of the Kadasidian Knights are... not to be trusted by us." He had heard legend of them, the five world renowned mythical knights who had slaughtered the forces of evil before his birth. "What business could she... the Knights of Kadasid... possibly have with me?" Though now that he thought of it, he felt one more important question was necessary. "And what business do you of the GrayScythe clan have with me?" A brave smile from the 20-ish year old as he spoke. "We believe you, along with 4 others, hold the secret to a new world order. I... presume the Knights of Kadasid are after you for the same reason." A weary expression on the 16 year old. "If the Knights of Kadasid are fighting against you, and the Knights are good guys then-" But before he could finish, Nicholas interrupted. "Not everything in this world is as black and white as you'd like to think. You'll see once we arrive at GrayScythe Manor tomorrow." Dillon felt more then prepared to argue the cause more, but his body would not agree with him. Plagued with fatigue, there was little he could do against the leader of the small encampment. He figured he'd ask more questions in the morning. Putting his head back down, he was lulled into a deep sleep until the morning.[/spoiler] Expect the next 4 parts at sometime around the end of (American) Thanksgiving when I'll have more time. Or never. IDK. ... On a completely unrelated note, the reason the chapters are arranged the way they are is because they either involve similar themes (Chapter 2 introduces the Occultists and how they met each of the 5 stupid kids.) or they occur around the same time (Chapter 1 takes place on everyone's 16th birthday). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2010 Working on them smaller like this makes me take less time inbetween. I kind of like it. =D [spoiler=Chapter 2 - Those That Stand Against Us - Part 2 (of 5)]The moment Mystral outed him as a Knight of Kadasid that the man lunged forward, sword in hand ready to strike our white haired protagonist. However no sooner had he prepared his assault that a most peculiar thing had happened. The robed men and women quite literally threw themselves to the girl's defense, risking life and limb as they attempted to put as much distance between the man and the little lady as was possible. While the three nearest to him certainly appeared gravely injured, it seemed at the sight of bloodshed that was not the girl's the man put away his blade at seeing he had harmed an innocent. She looked up to see the horror in her father's face, along with the spreading chaos among the aisles of normal patrons, but before she could make heads or tails of the scene or even call out to any helpful ally she could feel herself being pushed away and lead down the corridors of the monastery she had known all her life by the robed men and woman. For right now, it seemed the girl's safety was their number one priority, with exposition and dialogue taking a backseat for now. And speaking of taking a backseat, before she knew it the girl was lead into the back of a wooden carriage with two other, robed figures. They signaled to the driver, also entirely robed and devoid of many features as he held the reins in his hand. One quick crack of his whip and the horse-drawn carriage began to pull forward. In hindsight, it was a rather peculiar spectacle, but at the time Mystral didn't think to question it. Sitting across from her in the carriage were 2 figures, draped in robes and hoods over their heads, concealing their eyes, and shadows concealing their nose. Only their mouthes were visible. After a minute of traveling, Mystral finally broke the silence. "Wh-what just happened?" she managed to choke out. The loan figures turned their heads towards each other, but otherwise kept quiet, before collapsing back into the original position they started the trip in. Mystral gave them a stern look, unsure if they could see. "Well then," a tone of defiance in her voice as she placed her hand on the door of the carriage. "If I'm all safe and out of harms way I think I'll just-" "Stop!" a loud booming voice from one of the featureless figures before her. At this point, at least she knew one thing about her captors. At least one of them was male. At the sound of his voice, Mystral halted all movement, surprised into silence. "You are a significant figure in an important ritual we have planned at GrayScythe manor. There is little else you need to know." This time, a feminine voice answered. Mystral turned to the woman who had spoken, before once again beginning her interrogation. "I think if I'm considered a 'significant figure' I have the right to know what's going on." The two figures turned to each other for a split second, then shook their heads left and right in a "no" motion. Mystral crossed her hands across her chest, then once again leaned toward the door. Looking out the window, she spotted merchants and others travelers some small distance away. Judging by appearances, Mystral could tell they were about a mile or so away from the church. "If you don't tell me everything I wanna hear, I'll scream so loud that all those merchants over there will know something's happening." she stammered, slightly fearful now. These two shady figures weren't exactly the most comforting of sights to behold, and each passing moment more and more morbid thoughts began to enter the girl. An unease noise from the male, before he finally spoke. "We have strong reason to believe you are the holder of the Fragment of the Winds." "Wh-what?" A perplexed look about the girl as she looked at her hands. "I'm not holding anything." "It's locked away within your heart madame." The woman spoke. "When all five fragments are reunited, a new age for our people will begin." Mystral looked lost for words. At last however, she found some. "How... how do you expect to get a fragment out of me anyway!?" She protested. "We are not 100 percent sure, however our lord, Father GrayScythe knows precisely what needs to be done to accomplish our goal." Mystral looked upon the pair with skepticism in her eyes, however she felt she owed them something, for saving her from the Knight of Kadasid. However, now that she had thought it over that itself had raised quite a few questions. "Why did Sir Icviin try to kill me earlier?" The two looked themselves over, before the woman spoke. "We can not be sure, however it is undeniable that Father GrayScythe has the answer to all your questions." Mystral looked cross again, an irritated scowl stretched itself upon her face. "We will arrive at GrayScythe Manor within an hour. Do not get so upset." The male voice insisted. Mystral sighed. It seemed she could do little else for right now but wait it out and discover what this Father GrayScythe knew, and perhaps meet the other Fragment holders.[/spoiler] Lawl, moar exposition! Expect the next chapter before sundown, tomorrow. On a completely unrelated note, the time (roughly) when each of their selective scenes (in Chapter 1) began: Dillon: 2 PM Mystral: 4:15 PM Aiden: 12 PM Terra: 5 PM Zero: 10 AM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2010 It's still before sundown somewhere! [spoiler=Chapter 2 - Those That Stand Against Us Part 3 (of 5)]"Mikey! Speak to me!" a look of stunned horror as he shook the man by the shoulder, but alas after a slight bit of motion he spotted the deep scar, practically crushing in his nose and tearing open a violent gash. It was clear whoever had done this was out for blood. "No..." he whispered, fighting to hide the tears. Despite the fact that he was alone, he knew old Mikey wouldn't want anyone crying over his grave. "I..." he began, trying to find the words. "I will avenge you Mikey, I swear it!" "That's nice, but I don't think he can hear you." The high pitched voice instantly caused Aiden to turn. A murder had just been committed, and the murderer was still at large and here was another unfamiliar voice. He scrambled to pick up any nearby weapon, in his case a small hatchet, when his eyes spotted the source. A tiny little girl, no older then 8 or 9 years old, barely up to Aiden's waist looked at him with bright, glassy blue coloured eyes. Overall, a sweet and pleasant looking young lady, but something about her struck Aiden as off. Despite her evident lack of age, something about a handful of her features seemed to stand out as belonging to a woman about 10 times her age. Her white hair was tied back in a bun, like a little old lady, and a small decorative black cap rested upon her head. Her eyes looked worn, like a woman who had seen hundreds of years pass her by, and yet it was clear the girl was barely old enough to even pick up a sword or learn horseback riding. "Uhh..." Aiden began, an uneasy expression upon his face. One of his friends and employees had just been killed by an unknown intruder and all of a sudden a new girl presented herself. "Hi Mister Aiden. My name is Matilda GrayScythe. I dunno if you've heard about me, but I certainly know lots about you!" A silly grin on her face, as though she expected a gold star or an A+ for knowing the man's name. "What do you know about m-" Still a skeptical tone to his voice, as his friend's dead body was lying before him. "I... can we talk outside?" "Sure thing Mister!" as though she had seen dozens of dead bodies everyday and thus thought not stranging about them, she carelessly toddled out of the store, humming a jaunty tune and awaiting for Aiden to join her. Aiden looked over his friend, said a quick prayer, then hurried to meet the girl. A part of Aiden expected to see her entire family with her, as travel through the desert was difficult for the most manliest of men, so spotting a 9 year old all by herself certainly raised a few red flags. However, it seemed the flat and barren desert was as empty as ever, as far as the eye could see. This brought Aiden a little comfort, as the woman who had just ended Mikey's life was long gone, and it was unlikely there was an ambush coming his way. However, the sound of the little girl's voice brought him out of his own thoughts. "So, there's like this super duper important club called the Occultists, and like we really really need you to join!" A pleading, slightly whining tone to her voice. "Like, you and these 4 other guys are super duper important!" "Important... how do you mean?" Aiden blinked. He was slightly familiar with the surname GrayScythe, a famed swordsman and mercenary of regional renowned, but he couldn't imagine what importance he'd have with him. If GrayScythe needed a weapon, he likely had access to some of the best blacksmiths in the world, and would have little need for a mass produced blade such as the ones Aiden was used to selling. And even if he did need a blade of that low calibur, he'd likely be able to find it at a much cheaper price then was sold at the Desert Oasis. "Like, really, really, [I]REALLY[/I], important!" she protested, an insistant tone as she began to tug on Aiden's arms. Aiden sighed, it seemed talking to the child was rather much like, well, talking to a child. "Sorry kid." Aiden began. His first thoughts were of Mikey. "I gotta give my friend a proper funeral, and let his family know what's happened to him." He looked over his shoulder, back at the inside of his store. "You mean that he was killed by Dame Meeka, right?" Aiden stopped, turning his full attention to the little girl. "Excuse me, what?" Matilda GrayScythe smirked at him, before yawning loudly. It seemed she had one last gambit up her sleeve. "I'm tired." she protested. "My condolences." he quickly muttered. "Now, about Dame Meeka. You're not talking about the same Dame Meeka from Knights of Kadasid, are you?" "Knights [i]and Dames[/i]." corrected the child. She yawned once again, leaning her head against Aiden's arms before quickly adding. "Take me home." He looked at her before responding curtly. "Haha. No." He walked towards the door to his shop, pushing it open as Matilda struggled to keep from falling over herself. "Wah!" a panicked yelp escaping her as she quickly balanced herself. He blinked twice, before speaking once again. "You're really gonna leave a poor little girl like me stranded and lost in the desert like this?" Looking over Mikey's corpse, he then turned back to Matilda. He breathed a heavy sigh, looking at the hatchet in his hands. "I'll do it if you promise to tell me everything you know." A shimmer in Matilda's eyes as she clung onto his arms. "I know lost Mister Aiden! Which is good because it's about a pretty long walk from GrayScythe Manor to this little desert thing!" Aiden swallowed hard, already regretting his decision as he began, armed only with a small hatchet to face the dangers the world had to offer.[/spoiler] I believe I wrote this section shortly after I finished Dillon's section, so if it says Dillon and it makes no sense in context, I probably meant to write Aiden. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted November 20, 2010 Report Share Posted November 20, 2010 Alright, I'll try to give constructive criticism. [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1287866152' post='4729547'] [spoiler= Prologue] We all knew the story. [b]What story?[/b] Sixteen years ago the world was a much harsher place. [b]This story?[/b] The cataclysm that had claimed so many lives. [b]Oh, maybe this is why the story is called fragments. Get it? Because it's a sentence frag- *shot* Anyways, this sentence kinda destroys the point of the first sentence. Allow me to show you: Sixteen years ago, the cataclysm made the world a much harsher place. Now figure out what's wrong with that.[/b] The sky was enshrouded in darkness, the earth roared in pain, and the oceans twisted and churned. [b]I had no idea the Earth felt pain, let alone roar. I'll think next time when I drill into the ground.[/b] It was the darkest moment in human history. [b]Oh really? I thought it was the happiest day ever.[/b] Famine, disease, death were all rampant and at every corner. [b]Odd you decided to separate this sentence from the darkness, the roaring, and the twisting.[/b] And then one day... it just stopped. The oceans quelled, the earth dulled, and once again the sun rose as though absolutely nothing happened. [b]OMGWHATHAPPENED?[/b] Those that were left were overjoyed, they had been sparred and it was time to pick up the pieces and begin anew. [b]From the look of this run-on, these people weren't very good at putting pieces back together.[/b] They told us it was the day we were born, the very moment in fact. As if our presences had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth. We were their little angels, pure-hearted children destined to mark the end of suffering forever. If only they knew how wrong they were. [B]OMGCLIFFHANGER RIVETING TALE, CHAP! So let me get this straight. Once upon a time, the lands were exploding with darkness blah blah blah. Then it stopped. Babies are born. People think it's a sign that they are saviors! The end. Hmmm. Interesting.[/B][/spoiler] [/quote] I got bored and stopped at the prologue. Yeah, I'm that lazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2010 Eh, the prologue is meant to be "dialoguey", like a person trying to tell you a story and goad you into listening. [quote]People think it's a sign that they are saviors![/quote] Incorrect, but if that's the impression you got that's fine too. I suppose my way of communicating is rather... lacking at times. Thank you for the constructive criticism, though the whole "LAWL, LET ME RESPOND TO EVERY SENTENCE EVEN WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY! OMGWHATHAPPENED? OMGCLIFFHANGER! OMGEXPOSITION!" and the like is so played out nowadays. It reeks of 'trying to hard'-ism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bassa Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 How do you put a link from the first post to another post somewhere else in the thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Check the top right of the post you want to link to. It should look like #[and then a number]. Click on it. A popup will appear telling you the URL you need to copypasta to link to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 [spoiler='Growing Praise and Adulation Episode 3: Z-ONE']Prologue: [b]The fact that you didn’t type “prolouge” basically makes this the best fanfic ever.[/b] We all knew the story. Sixteen years ago the world was a much harsher place. The cataclysm that had claimed so many lives. [b]I never knew sentence fragments were a serious problem. Even Sora falling into a bottomless hole with not end was a sentence. Maybe fragments should be my ‘thing’. You know, Crab Helmet has being awesome and ‘Said’. All you’d need to do is drop ‘that’ and this could be a perfectly serviceable sentence.[/b] The sky was enshrouded in darkness, the earth roared in pain, and the oceans twisted and churned. It was the darkest moment in human history. Famine, disease, death were all rampant and at every corner. [b]‘At every corner’? I can tell what you’re saying, it’s something about how famine, disease, and death were in all the corners of the Earth, but not only is it not worded right, it’s redundant, seeing as famine, disease, and death (F.D.D.) were already rampant. Kudos for that comma before that ‘and’, by the way.[/b] And then one day... it just stopped. [b]I think you want your dramatic pause right before the revelation that it stopped, not that it just stopped. On the whole, dramatic pause ellipses of death probably have no place in writing, but I do them, so that means it’s okay.[/b] The oceans quelled, the earth dulled, and once again the sun rose as though absolutely nothing happened. [b]The earth dulled? Was it all shiny before and you forgot to mention that?[/b] Those that were left were overjoyed, they had been sparred and it was time to pick up the pieces and begin anew. They had been sparred. You can’t ‘be sparred’, you can only ‘spar’. Yes, I am glossing over the fact that you meant ‘spared’. I know, you said (to quote) “It's terrible because I don't proofread it. And I don't proofread it because it's terrible.” [b]This looks like modesty, but just as English has apparent modifiers, it also has apparent modesty. You’re not proofreading because you don’t want to. Now you seem to be spell-checking, but that’s less than half the battle. For example, Word helpfully puts these little green lines under stuff it doesn’t like, and it’s wrong about half the time, but at least it’s a hint you need to read it over. Let’s make a deal: everybody read over your sentence once you finish it, ‘kay?[/b] They told us it was the day we were born, the very moment in fact. [b]The very moment, comma, in fact. People usually use too few commas. Commas are your friends. Commas were made in ZONE’s image, for anyone who’s still watching 5D’s.[/b] As if our presences had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth. [b]As if bla bla bla…what? As if your presences had had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth, they told us our presences had parted the clouds and brought heaven to earth? Or is this supposed to be joined to the previous sentence, with a ZONE? And now that I think about it, how do they remember that they were told at the very moment they were born?[/b] We were their little angels, pure-hearted children destined to mark the end of suffering forever. If only they knew how wrong they were. [b]ZONEs don’t solve all of your problems, however. For example, you might want to say, “We were their little angels, [i]dash[/i], pure-hearted bla bla bla…” You have hooked me in, so congratulations. The end. Naw, here’s the first chapter.[/b] Chapter 1 – One Moment: "Is this it?" the dark haired youth looked over the table that spread before him. [b]As I said in my last review, you want to break after that quote.[/b] A lone box on the far right corner, pressed against the wall and wrapped in a bright blue paper. A simply decorated cake, with 16 candles haphazardly dropped in place, almost messing up the phrase 'Happy Birthday Dillon' imprinted on the cake in a blue frosting. [b]These are both not sentences. However, they’re descriptive fragments, which can be useful tools in writing. I happen to like them. However however, in this case there is no phrase joining them to the previous sentence, making it only tangentially indicated that maybe these are things that might be on the table. Oh, and that ZONE after “cake” shouldn’t be there.[/b] "I invited like... all the kids in town, and not one of them showed up?" [b]Wow. You suck even more than I do.[/b] "Now now Dillon," a kindly woman's voice addressed him. "Don't get upset over kids not liking you. After all, you've still got your mom and dad, right?" [b]He’s so unliked, even his mom doesn’t try to hide it. Oh, I just realized, you wove the character’s name very skillfully into the story by revealing the name on the cake. Because you did so, you don’t need to add the name onto this dialogue.[/b] She leaned down to his eye level, smiling politely, eyes closed at him. [b]How do you close your eyes at someone?[/b] Dillon crossed his arms across his chest and pouted, [b]Real men whine.[/b] a grunt of annoyance escaping. "Yeah yeah..." he said. [b]Forgetting, in his un-manly pouting, that “he said” should have a ZONE after it, not a period.[/b] "But you guys are legally required to love me." He smirked, running a hand through his hair. "I mean... you two are my parents..." a tone of uneasiness in his voice, as he spoke unsure of himself. [b]Woah, woah, easy there. Calm down, take some deep breaths. There’s a sentence in there. I think you’re trying to say too much at once in one line of between-dialogue. [/b] "But... not one of the other kids in this damn hellhole came? What do they have to do?" [b]I want to make a Detroit joke here, but I’ve never actually been there.[/b] "Dillon! Language!" she scolded. The dark haired youth rolled his eyes as he walked over to the candles. "Sorry, sorry..." he halfheartedly apologized. [b]The author is a reasonably intelligent person, so I think I can give some slightly more advanced advice. Of the three basic types of media (writing, films, and plays), only plays use dialogue as their primary method of conflict, and even then words must be cut ruthlessly. What I’m saying is that you could probably brush over this and simply say he half-heartedly mumbled an apology or whatever it is you kids do.[/b] "I think I have some right to be upset though." He took a deep breathe in before blowing out the candles. "Maybe I'll go find out what the other kids are up to." A devilish grin on his face, as he walked over to the door. [b]This is not. A sentence.[/b] "Dillon?" she called out, but before she could even stop him he was already gone. [b]I imagine so. If he wasn’t gone before she could (even) stop him, he would have been stopped, and therefore would not be gone.[/b] She sighed, before calling out. "Be back before sundown! You know how father and I worry!" --- Dillon Wasser casually strode through the forest, the crunch of foliage under his feet were ignored in favor to the sound of his own thoughts. [b]Since you already gave his name, it seems odd to have the story then introduce him to us. Also, I believe the phrase you’re looking for is “in favor of”.[/b] Sure, he loved his parents and knew they loved him, but since revealing him to he was adopted last week, he couldn't help but feel the relationship was rather strained. [b]The only movie you’re starring in is the one where everyone hates you! Directed by M. Night Shamylan! And the plot twist is…you’re adopted![/b] Not helped by the fact he was largely considered unpopular among the other teens his age. [b]‘Teens’ already establishes an age group. Pick a descriptor.[/b] Upset over the turn of events, his footsteps seemed to lead to him to the local river. [b]Look, Vegeta: the locals. (That’s my favorite TFS quote) Anyway, ‘local’ makes just about anything funny.[/b] A quaint, secluded spot where he'd be alone with his thoughts. Or so he thought. [b]That period above you (the one by right by the local river) could probably be a ZONE. That would make this a part of a sentence, instead of a fragment.[/b] Unbeknown to our dark haired youth, as his concentration was torn, he was being watched. [b]His concentration wasn’t torn. It was very specifically not being torn, since he wasn’t focusing on stuff around him.[/b] A raven haired beauty, in her mid 30's yet still looking exceedingly beautiful, spied on the youth as he casually threw rocks into the river. He seemed to be throwing it with a purpose, as though trying to skip rocks, or see how far he could his rock to go. [b]Hasn’t anyone told you to spell out your numbers? Which reminds me, you need to spell out the sixteen back up above.[/b] "You can skip rocks better on still water." she began. The sudden voice broke the young man from his concentration. "Wh-what!?" [b]“They all lied to me!”[/b] Looking around, he spotted her. She wore a tight, form fitting leather skirt and a rather revealing white tunic. There was a belt running from her right shoulder to just above her ample hips, typically a sign of someone carrying something with them, though from where he stood, Dillon couldn't tell what she brought. Her deep purple eyes looked the young man over, and when their eyes met his face turned exceedingly pink. "Uhh... y-yes?" he began, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment, feeling rather ashamed for looking her over so thoroughly. "The rivers current is much too rapid. You can't skip rocks over it." She smiled, breaking her intensely focused countenance, and now looking even more beautiful. "Ohh uhh... I knew that." Dillon hoped he hadn't been blushing too hard, as he wanted to make a good impression on the woman. [b]Dillon, uh, not be a b****, but she’s out of your league. And twice your age.[/b] "I was kind of just..." He had been practicing for the next time he saw any of those that he had invited, but he couldn't let the woman know he was so petty. "Just seeing how far I could throw those rocks. You know, amazing feats of strength and all that?" A nervous laugh escaped the boy, but the woman seemed unamused, despite holding the same smile. [b]Word wants you to put a dash between ‘un’ and ‘amused’, but I don’t mind.[/b] She slowly began walking up to Dillon, a hand over he head and behind her back. [b]Rumor has it you didn’t proofread because this story is terrible.[/b] Dillon meanwhile was still trying to think straight. "So uhh... you're not from around here right?" [b]ZONE to set off ‘right’.[/b] She continued walking, methodically. "I've never seen you before and yet... you look so familiar." She was now no more then five feet away, ignoring everything Dillon had to say. "I don't think I'd forget someone as... um... someone like you." At last, the woman spoke. "Is today your birthday by any chance?" [b]I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the woman is plot-relevant.[/b] Dillon blinked, perplexed by the question offered to him by the exceedingly attractive older woman. So focused on the question was he, he hadn't noticed the rather awkward position the woman was in, right hand reaching over her head for something on her back. "Yeah, how did-" Was all he could manage before he heard the sound of a sword unsheathing. "Woah!" The sound had caused Dillon to jump backwards. In the following split second, he saw the woman holding a long, elegant sword, striking where he had just stood. She took another step and another slash as Dillon continued scrambling backwards. In his panic, he hadn't noticed he had run out of land a while ago, falling into the river. He took a good lungful of water before trying to surface in a coughing fit. The woman meanwhile merely watched from the riverbank, still a cruel smirk on her face. "Enjoy the waterfall." She proclaimed, before calmly taking her leave. [b]Good mysterious villains always make sure to hope their extremely important and presumably dangerous targets fall over a waterfall rather than making sure they really die.[/b] Dillon, casually floating down the rapid currents had never attempted to swim through, however the roaring of a cascade was clearly audible. [b]Definitely not your best sentence. Oh wait...it's not even a bloody sentence! [/b] "Oh hell..." he muttered. The woman was correct, there was a waterfall, and he had precious little time to find a way out. [b]It could always be a small waterfall…[/b] ----- "Is this it?" the white haired blue-eyed youth looked over the collection plate after she had gotten it back. [b]I’ve noticed that the non-inept writers in this forum like using ‘youth’ to describe their characters. This makes sense, seeing as most main characters here are…youths. My advice is to discard any discomfort you have about excessive use of pronouns. Also, it’s valid to point out that ‘youth’ generally refers to a male, though I’m not sure if it must. [/b] A few silver and copper pieces looked back at her as the young lady in the robes. [b]Okay, I’ve got an idea that no one has ever though of before. I call it Dr. Cakey’s Super-Special-Awesome Drinking Game. Every time you see a sentence fragment, take a drink. [/b] Gathering the small metal pieces, she dropped it into a larger, locked box in the back. [b]Saying ‘it’ would mean she dropped the collection plate into the box, while I assume you’re referring to the coins.[/b] Seeing the large group of people gathering in the church, she had just assumed there'd be more contributions then normal, not less. [b]Be glad you’re tax-exempt. Oh, wait, this isn’t America, is it? Does this world have taxes?[/b] Amidst the soft lighting from the candles and through the stained glass windows, she looked over the large group gathering on the pews. Most of the typicals from the village were in place, but they were greatly out numbered by several, uniformly dressed people. Wearing long hooded, flowing dark maroon, brown and black cloaks our young lady couldn't particularly identify any of them, and the large group of 20 or so didn't do anything to identify themselves. Only one man among the group spoke, and they all had their hoods up, concealing a large portion of their face. They took their seats, and overall it felt a bit tense to the girl, but they couldn't exactly turn people away. After all, this was a church. [b]Two things. First, you’ve got a bunch of stray ZONEs. Second, spell out your numbers. Please.[/b] The sound of the door opening alerted the girl of a new entrant, however it wasn't her Father like she expected. [b]The parental role is not capitalized. The church role is, though.[/b] The man certainly looked like he could be her father's age, but he most certainly was not. An unfamiliar blonde man, a large scar from the top of his forehead, extending down towards the bottom of his left ear. [b]Take a drink.[/b] He wore a plain, unassuming cream colored tunic and regular trousers, with a pair of simple leather shoes. The only thing that stood out about him was the sword he carried on his back. [b]*cough*hint*cough*[/b] "Uhh..." began the girl, about to inform him to leave his weapons with her, but the intense expression on the older man's face made her think twice. He looked at her with scorn in his eyes, not saying one word before taking a seat near the back. --- Before long, the girl's father, the priest of the church, emerged and took his place at the head of the pulpit. His dark brown eyes looked over the group quickly, a full house, before he began. "Sixteen years ago, our world Was at an end. [b]I hope you don’t mind if I refer to the world this story takes place in as ‘Was’ from now on?[/b] The cataclysm that had nearly ended the world was rising, gaining in strength. [b]I’m not seeing it. Cataclysms don’t really rise or gain in strength, imo. Granted, things like storms can gain strength, but cataclysms don’t have many qualities other than sucking a lot.[/b] Our people had no hope until... that day." A twinkle in his eye as he looked at his daughter. [b]Of all the sentence fragments I’ve seen, this is the most tolerable, and might be acceptable if it was sandwiched between parts of dialogue. As it is, take a drink.[/b] He motioned towards the stained glass windows, a series of 9 [b]That movie sucked.[/b] colorful displays showing the story of the rise and fall of evil. "The cruel, all powerful demon lord Absolution had blanketed our world in darkness for a thousand years." [b]The Demon King of Evil’s name is ‘Absolution’? That’s not a name, it’s a word. A good word, granted, but a word nonetheless.[/b] A hideous monstrous apparition was displayed as the first along the windows. "But what absolution did not account for, was the five brave Knights and Dames of Kadasid." [b]Now Absolution isn’t even a demon – the quality of absolving itself failed to account for the Five Knights and Dames of Kadasid, separated from it only by an unnecessary ZONE.[/b] The next window displayed five brave and heroic looking warriors. They wore mostly white armor, along with colorful sashes around their belts. [b]So they’re wearing belts…and then sashes on top? Isn’t that kind of like wearing two belts?[/b] The white haired youth's eyes followed her Father's words, but something felt off. She had passed the windows a thousand times, had personally cleaned them too, yet for some reason the words felt... more real this time. [b]*cough*destiny*cough*[/b] She couldn't quite place it, but something about the window struck of chord of extreme familiarity to her, and not just because she had seen it before. "The ladies and gentleman of that most holy order of knights faced the harshest of trials, squared off against Absolution's most destructive minions." He motioned quickly past the next five windows. Each showed one of the previous mentioned knights in a heroic pose, fighting various threats. The youngest was fighting an enormous snake. The leader was fighting a dragon. The second in command had his sword implanted in a mythical, two headed dog beast. One of the knights was pictured about to charge against an enormous, giant cyclops. The last one had dove to the bottom of the sea and was fighting an enormous, multi-armed squid-like monster. [b]I’m sure fighting a dragon takes lots of skill, but frankly, fighting a kraken or whatever [i]while underwater[/i] is probably harder. I mean, how deep down do they live, anyway?[/b] Our female however had her eyes glued on one of them in particular. Something about it stuck out to her all of a sudden. [b]Not going to mention which one, of course. Because that would be [i]telling[/i]. [/b] "After completing the many trials that laid before them, our grand heroes ascended Absolution's palace and faced the demon lord head on." A direct confrontation between the dark monster from the first panel and the 5 knights from the second could be seen. [b]Oops. Did you just drop a ‘could be seen’?[/b] "And, in the end the Knights and Dames of Kadasid had expelled evil from our land. [b]You’re already in past perfect. Shifting to pluperfect now indicates this happened an even longer time ago. Why yes, I do take Latin.[/b] And our world had been prosperous ever since." The final window a display of a happy, peaceful landscape. "Our church is happy to declare one final thing. My darling adopted daughter, Mystral, the joy and light of my life made her way to us exactly 16 years ago today." He motioned towards the girl in the back of the room, eyes still glued onto the stained glass. The knight fighting the two-headed hell hound. [b]Take a drink.[/b] However, an unfamiliar sound and peculiar sensation soon engulfed her. It sounded like the sound of twenty or so men repositioning themselves, of old wood creaking as bodies moved to get a better look of something. [b]You’ve got two conflicting methods of phrasing here. It’s either, “It sounded like [x], like [y]” or “It was the sound of [x], of [y]”. Also, your use of ‘sound’ is redundant. [/b] The feeling she had felt, [b]Also again redundant. [/b] was one of having all eyes on her. She blinked, then slowly turned her head to her right. She turned to see the many men and women in the robes staring at her. Them along with the older man who took a seat to the back. [b]Take a drink.[/b] "Uhh... hi?" She blushed, awkwardly trying to wave. While the normal church attendants just turned back once they had gotten a decent look at her and tossed her smile, [b]You mean they tossed her some person named ‘smile’? Oh, you forgot your article.[/b] the robed group and the older man stared at her with a violent intensity, as though she had just delivered to them the greatest insult imaginable. [b]They’re just jealous because they weren’t invited to her sweet sixteen.[/b] Mystral looked the group over, but only the older gentleman really stood out. After all, he was the only one who's face was not covered. She felt a familiar feeling as she looked the older gentleman over. He calmly stood up, however the people in the robes quickly stood to follow. [b]That’s not a ‘however’ situation. That would be an ‘and’ situation. Oh hey, and ‘who’s’ should be ‘whose’.[/b] "Uhh..." Mystral seemed alarmed by all the sudden motion. Quiet whispers amongst the normal church attenders, before the leader at the pulpit, Father Vento spoke once again. [b]Word can’t see it, but take a drink.[/b] "My sisters and brothers, is their something the matter?" a tone of worry and confusion as the robed ones stood in a horseshoe formation around the older man and the young girl. [b]And another one. [/b] And as she looked the scene over, Mystral suddenly realized where she recognized the older man from before. She pointed an accusing finger at him "You're... you're..." then at the stained glass window. "You're one of the Knights of Kadasid!" [b]Hey, a genuine hook to lead us into the next chapter. In summary, this was…good. You seem to have a thing for sentence fragments and insisting that it’s not worth proofreading, but you’re wrong. Not proofreading is the only thing standing in the way of this being genuinely well-written. Well, that and about three drafts and some jaded, bitter authors (liek me) engulfing it in an ocean of red ink, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. <Insert Dr. Cakey Seal of Approval Here> Believe in NEXUUUUUUUUUUUUS![/b][/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
--------------- Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 [s]omigawd, a mod other than Roxas listened to me! *insert joy-like emotions here*[/s]The way you 'took my advice' really helped. Plus, the actual story is really good. Keep it up. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted November 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2010 Eh, suddenly got a lot of homework and finals and such at school. Classes end December 8th, so don't expect a very frequent update schedule. On an unrelated note, thanks for the support, people who read it? o_0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted December 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 This "chapter" is surprisingly short. [spoiler=Chapter 2- Those That Stand Against Us - Part 4 (of 5)] Racing forward upon Elise, young Terra zipped ahead, through rolling fields and fruited grain and all that. So caught up in trying to outrun her possible pursuer, the man with the circular-saw weapon, that she had scarcely forgotten the foot soldier she managed to pickup upon the battlefield, riding behind her. Her mind was so scattered and in a whirl, the sudden sound of his voice had startled her. "Madame Terra?" "Ahh!" A panicked yelped escaped the 16 year old general's voice, as she tugged hard upon Elise's reins. The horse let out a high pitched neigh as it attempted to stop quickly, pushing up front legs and balancing on it's hind legs. It took Elise a second or two to regain her composure, with all four hooves on the ground. Terra turned her attention to the, also now equally bewildered foot soldier, before speaking. "What is your intention to give your commanding officer a heart attack!?" She exclaimed loudly. "I... I apologize ma'am." He begun, a tone of strictness in his voice. Though he could tell the woman was clearly unnerved by seeing her entire army get wiped out by one man. The lowly foot soldier planned his next words before speaking. "Would it not be wise to head back to town for reinforcements. Terra shook her head at the man, who despite his lower rank was significantly older then her. She spoke quickly, and with a tone of worry and apprehension that she was doing a poor job of hiding. "He easily wiped the floor with us without even breaking a sweat. We can't allow him to find our stronghold. Besides, he was only after me." She lightly kicked Elise, encouraging her to move forward to a gentle trot. A long bit of an awkward pause before the man spoke again. "Oh... do you mind letting me off so I can go back alone then?" Terra blinked, a tad confused before realizing what she had done. "Oh right. They'll probably also need to know what's happened to the eighth division." A downtrodden look about Terra, as she slowed Elise's pace with a gentle tug of her reins. After a few moments of thinking, Terra began anew. "Your family must surely be worried for you, and the King and Queen are most likely eager to hear news of the battlefield. Inform them of what has happened and..." she thought for a moment. "If you see that man once again, tell him where I went." Elise stopped, giving the foot soldier an opportunity to jump off. He slowly took the hint, but not before questioning "But where are you going exactly?" "Defense is my main priority now. I suppose if I need a bodyguard I'd need to go to one the best. The GrayScythe Manor." A defeated look about her, as she looked at the young man. "You really think you're case would be enough to pull him out of retirement?" The soldier raised a brow, crossing his arms across his chest. "I can't head back to town, leading a deranged and violent man to where we live now can I!?" she exclaimed. Noting her anger, she did her best to calm herself. "That one-eyed man with the circular saw, he's only after me. No need to let the rest of the town fall because of my selfish actions. It's a bit of a walk from here to our town, but you should be able to make it in one piece. Go home, tell them everything you know, and if you see that man again, tell him where I went. Do you understand?" A quick salute from the man as he looked her over. "Yes general, ma'am." Terra sighed. "I'm not your general anymore." She pulled on Elise's reins, and soon she was off once again, her goal being to reach GrayScythe manor, looking for the legendary assassin and bodyguard.[/spoiler] Part 5 of 5 will be... later on. Also hopefully introduce a few more people, and round out some people more. Also, I'm thinking this Act only goes up to four "chapters" (though each chapter is split into parts, so like yeah) It's a bit of a longer story then it might seem to be at first. (Three Acts, four or so "chapters" in each act. First Act introduces conflict. Second one ramps it up. Third Act concludes it.) Any questions or complaints, feel free to comment or w/e. *escape rope!* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted January 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 With much "regret", I announce that this terrible story will never be finished. Not to say I'd leave my "fans" hanging though. I had thoughts about this, and where the story goes from here, but... meh. Not really up to working hard to finish this. >_> So... here's my basic "synopsis" of what happens after the current chapter... The 5 "fragment" kids all arrive at Grayscythe Manor at different times. Mystral arrives at approximately 8 PM. Terra and her horse Elise at around 11:45-ish. Aiden and Matilda arrive at 3AM in the morning/night. Dillon arrives the next morning at 9 AM. And the last kid, I think his name was Zero or something, shows up at noon. Before Zero and Father Grayscthe show up, the kids talk amongst themselves, get to know a little about each other. They strangely find speaking with each other very simple, despite never meeting and they feel as though they've known one another their whole lives. Some distance away, up in the mountains, the Knights of Kadasid are beng idiots, explaining their plans and other unnecessary plot exposition. They're not at all bad, they just have a terrible way of doing things. They're still trying to protect the world, or so they claim, but to what end is not said. Suddenly, Zero and Grayscythe show up. So, back to the kids. They relate how they all had a similar experience. Some handsome and beautiful and stoic knight seems to be chasing after them, and then these weird cultists they're currently with took them away to Grayscythe manor. They try topry answers from Nicholai and Matilda and the rests of the Occultists, who assure them "All will be revealed when Father Grayscythe shows up." But before he gets there, the Knights of Kadasid do. Battered and beaten up, and out of breathe, they explain how once they saw Grayscythe they knew where he was going and where they could find the others. The kids are startled, wondering what kind of thing could have beaten and shook up the knights that much, but the rest of the Occultists seem not harmed. A big anti-climactic battle happens, with the Occultists and the Knights evenly matched. In a last ditch effort, at last the knights explain themselves. There is a demon inside of the kids. One fifth of a demon that is. The great demon king Absolution or w/e was immortal and as such, could not be destroyed or something. However, he could be sealed away. Each Knight is the holder of the Key that sealed him away, namely their weapon. Should all five kids get within some unspecified, reasonable distance to each other, their demon sealed within their heart would activate, and come together to bring a thousand more years of darkness. The knights planned to kill at least one of the kids, so the sealed power would be lost forever, and never fuse together. The whole thing was just some big elaborate misunderstanding. Suddenly, Zero and Grayscythe show up. The Knights do their best to keep the kids as far from each other as they can, and each of the kids do admit they feel a strong bond within their hearts, like a magnet tugging them forward. At last, it's time for some other anti-climactic battle. The kids and the Knights feel they must defeat Grayscythe and the Occultists, and the Occultists only care about putting the kids all together for a certain amount of time and kill off the Knights, if possible. Grayscythe hurries up some random flight of stairs (after all, this is his house) and his kids take the fight to the basement. They split up. Dillon Mystral, Zero and the knights follow Matilda, Nicholai, and the rest of the Occultist army down into the basement. Terra and Aiden (the only ones with fighting experience) take it upstairs to beat "the greatest assassin ever". Terra and Aiden are having all their attacks deflected and blocked by the smirking Father GrayScythe. Meanwhile downstairs, the Knights have picked up their stamina and are butchering the Occultist army. Dillon, Mystral and Zero spot the Grayscythe kids trying to escape on an elavator. Since the Knights are tied up with a battle against the Occultists, the 3 Fragment kids figure it's up to them to stop Nicholai and Matilda. They rush forward to meet them. In the top floor, Grayscythe enters an elevator. "He's getting away!" Terra and Aiden attempt to give chase, but strangely find he holds the door for them for a split second. Grayscythe explains, he has no intention of killing them of course. His plan has always been to get the 5 kids together to revive Absolution. In a rage, Terra stabs and presumably kills him. Back in the basement, the 3 others have the Grayscthe kids cornered at the elevator. They smirk as they see the buttons light up above them before admitting that it is actually them who have won. Dillon asks what they mean, before the elevator doors open. Dillon, Mystral and Zero are now a reasonable distance to Aiden and Terra, and they feel the darkness in their heart activate. The 5 fragments of the demon fuse together, and the world ends... again. And that's the end of Act 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1296242161' post='4968239'] With much "regret", I announce that this terrible story will never be finished. Not to say I'd leave my "fans" hanging though. I had thoughts about this, and where the story goes from here, but... meh. Not really up to working hard to finish this. >_> So... here's my basic "synopsis" of what happens after the current chapter... The 5 "fragment" kids all arrive at Grayscythe Manor at different times. Mystral arrives at approximately 8 PM. Terra and her horse Elise at around 11:45-ish. Aiden and Matilda arrive at 3AM in the morning/night. Dillon arrives the next morning at 9 AM. And the last kid, I think his name was Zero or something, shows up at noon. Before Zero and Father Grayscthe show up, the kids talk amongst themselves, get to know a little about each other. They strangely find speaking with each other very simple, despite never meeting and they feel as though they've known one another their whole lives. Some distance away, up in the mountains, the Knights of Kadasid are beng idiots, explaining their plans and other unnecessary plot exposition. They're not at all bad, they just have a terrible way of doing things. They're still trying to protect the world, or so they claim, but to what end is not said. Suddenly, Zero and Grayscythe show up. So, back to the kids. They relate how they all had a similar experience. Some handsome and beautiful and stoic knight seems to be chasing after them, and then these weird cultists they're currently with took them away to Grayscythe manor. They try topry answers from Nicholai and Matilda and the rests of the Occultists, who assure them "All will be revealed when Father Grayscythe shows up." But before he gets there, the Knights of Kadasid do. Battered and beaten up, and out of breathe, they explain how once they saw Grayscythe they knew where he was going and where they could find the others. The kids are startled, wondering what kind of thing could have beaten and shook up the knights that much, but the rest of the Occultists seem not harmed. A big anti-climactic battle happens, with the Occultists and the Knights evenly matched. In a last ditch effort, at last the knights explain themselves. There is a demon inside of the kids. One fifth of a demon that is. The great demon king Absolution or w/e was immortal and as such, could not be destroyed or something. However, he could be sealed away. Each Knight is the holder of the Key that sealed him away, namely their weapon. Should all five kids get within some unspecified, reasonable distance to each other, their demon sealed within their heart would activate, and come together to bring a thousand more years of darkness. The knights planned to kill at least one of the kids, so the sealed power would be lost forever, and never fuse together. The whole thing was just some big elaborate misunderstanding. Suddenly, Zero and Grayscythe show up. The Knights do their best to keep the kids as far from each other as they can, and each of the kids do admit they feel a strong bond within their hearts, like a magnet tugging them forward. At last, it's time for some other anti-climactic battle. The kids and the Knights feel they must defeat Grayscythe and the Occultists, and the Occultists only care about putting the kids all together for a certain amount of time and kill off the Knights, if possible. Grayscythe hurries up some random flight of stairs (after all, this is his house) and his kids take the fight to the basement. They split up. Dillon Mystral, Zero and the knights follow Matilda, Nicholai, and the rest of the Occultist army down into the basement. Terra and Aiden (the only ones with fighting experience) take it upstairs to beat "the greatest assassin ever". Terra and Aiden are having all their attacks deflected and blocked by the smirking Father GrayScythe. Meanwhile downstairs, the Knights have picked up their stamina and are butchering the Occultist army. Dillon, Mystral and Zero spot the Grayscythe kids trying to escape on an elavator. Since the Knights are tied up with a battle against the Occultists, the 3 Fragment kids figure it's up to them to stop Nicholai and Matilda. They rush forward to meet them. In the top floor, Grayscythe enters an elevator. "He's getting away!" Terra and Aiden attempt to give chase, but strangely find he holds the door for them for a split second. Grayscythe explains, he has no intention of killing them of course. His plan has always been to get the 5 kids together to revive Absolution. In a rage, Terra stabs and presumably kills him. Back in the basement, the 3 others have the Grayscthe kids cornered at the elevator. They smirk as they see the buttons light up above them before admitting that it is actually them who have won. Dillon asks what they mean, before the elevator doors open. Dillon, Mystral and Zero are now a reasonable distance to Aiden and Terra, and they feel the darkness in their heart activate. The 5 fragments of the demon fuse together, and the world ends... again. And that's the end of Act 1. [/quote] best stroy evur Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted January 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 Thanks, I try! =D Except I didn't really try hard enough here. o_0 Maybe I'll go back and give "Joe goes to Duel Academy" a synopsis. >_> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 Wait that was just Act 1. What happens in Act 2? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.