obaslyra Posted October 22, 2010 Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 chapter 1 5 years after world racing grand prix....yusei was riding his duel runner on a non crowded road. and sundenly he heard a tire screech in front of him.then a ice blue duel runner with a blue eyed messy black haired rider drove in front of him and stopped.exuse me. said yusei.humth not until you duel me he replied as the area became sourounded in a wall of shadows. okay then ill go first said yusei. lets go!draw! i summon quilbolt hegehog in defence,set 3 cards facedown and end my turn.said yusei .draw!said kirie.first since you control a monster and i dont i can speicial summon dark ice dragon #1from my hand . and for my normal summon i choose dark ice breezer and now i tune my lv 3 tuner dark ice brezer with lv 4 dark ice dragon #1 to summon dark ice - armored ice with 2500 atk . and i destroy your quilbolt hedgehog by attacking. not so fast! i activate quill blast,it allows me to negate the attack and inflict 1000 damage to your life points. said yusei. kirie:3000 yusei:4000 i end my turn.said kirie.draw!said yusei. i activate the trap power overload which lets me pay 1000 life points to destroy all monsters with 2000 or more atk so goodbye armored ice! next, i activate speed spell-double summon and summon junk syncron and level warrior and then tune them all for stardust dragon,!and actvate rising energy!and attack! i will reply with other chapters later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrystalCyae Posted October 22, 2010 Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 no. First, spoilers please, I prefer them. Good Grammer is a must. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted October 22, 2010 Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 I'm going to review it. chapter 1 5 years after world racing grand prix.... [i]Very stunning start. Stunning, really.[/i] [s]yusei[/s] Yusei was riding his duel runner in a narrow alley and [i]Why is he doing such a dangerous thing?[/i] [s]sundenly[/s] suddenly he heard a tire screech. then a ice blue duel runner with a blue eyed messy black haired rider drove in front of him and stopped. [b]"[/b][s]who[/s] Who are you?[b]"[/b] said [s]yusei[/s] Yusei. [i]Well well well, why would he ask "Who are you?" in this situation? Think. If you were Yusei, why should you be like that?[/i] [b]"[/b][s]humth[/s] Humth, [s]i[/s] I am [s]kirie[/s] Kirie, the dark ice master![b]"[/b] replied the man. [i]Swap "man" with "physically challenged".[/i] [b]"[/b][s]well[/s] Well, if you want to live you will have to beat me in a shadow turbo duel.[b]"[/b] [s]c[/s] Continued [s]k[/s] Kirie. [i]Great way of adding suspence. I can feel my whole body trembling.[/i] I can go on, but I'm too lazy to do so. Also, think. Why would Kirie actually tell Yusei all these stuff? Why can't he just stay silent and avoid giving unneeded information to enemies? Why is Yusei not surprised? Why is he agreeing upon the shadow duel? Why is Kirie not taking physical damage from the attacks? Solve all above and come again. If you're 10 years or younger, I apologize for all of the above. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Time Psyduck Posted October 22, 2010 Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 Let's see... 5 years after world racing grand prix.... [b]It's [i]The[/i] world racing grand prix. Also 5 years is not the next generation...[/b] yusei was riding his duel runner in a narrow alley [b]And neither is the original main character. Also, why a narrow alley? Why not, say, an actual road?[/b] and sundenly he heard a tire screech. [b]I imagine that was him having to avoid something[/b] then a ice blue duel runner with a blue eyed messy black haired rider drove in front of him and stopped. [b]No wait, it was someone else. Wait, where did he come from? Yusei's already in a narrow alley, this guy can't really be in a narrower one[/b] who are you? said yusei. [b]Yes, the first thing I say to someone who cuts me up. Not 'excuse me,' or 'could you move please?', 'who are you?'[/b] humth,i am kirie,the dark ice master ! replied the man. [b]Gee, this guy is so mysterious. Except he isn't, because he just told us who he is for no good reason.[/b] well if you want to live you will have to beat me in a shadow turbo duel.continued kirie. [b]Why? Is this guy holding a gun to Yusei's head or something, so he can't, you know, leave the weird guy and go home?[/b] okay then ill go first said yusei. [b]Like I said, why doesn't Yusei just not duel this guy?[/b] lets go!draw! i summon quilbolt hegehog in defence,set 2 cards facedown and end my turn.said yusei . [b]That seems like something Yusei would actually do, although it doesn't sound much like Yusei[/b] draw!said kirie.first since you control a monster and i dont i get to summon dark ice dragon #1 . [b]You're using new cards. That's fine, but we need to know more than the name and that it can be summoned if your opponent is the only one with a monster, like [i]is it a special summon?[/i][/b] and for my normal summon i choose dark ice breezer [b]I guess it must be then.[/b] and now i tune my lv 3 tuner dark ice brezer with lv 4 dark ice dragon #1 to summon dark ice - armored ice with 2500 atk . and i destroy your quilbolt hedgehog by attacking. [b]Well, clearly both of these monsters have absolutely pathetic attack. Why else would he pass up the chance for a direct attack and synchro summon first?[/b] not so fast! i activate quill blast,it allows me to negate the attack and inflict 1200 damage to your life points. said yusei. kirie:2800 yusei:4000 [b]Quill Blast, huh? Sounds like you'd need Quillbolt Hedgehog out to use it. I would have expected Scrap-Iron Scarecrow myself. Also, why 1200 damage? Why not a round 500 or 1000, or 800, since that's Quillbolt's attack and defence?[/b] i end my turn.said kirie. [b]Apparently he didn't have any traps.[/b] draw!said yusei. i activate the trap power overload which destroys all monsters with 2000 or more atk so goodbye armored ice! [b]*CoughHaxCough*. Seriously, that's way too powerful, and doesn't seem like something Yusei is likely to use anyway.[/b] next, i activate double summon and summon junk syncron and level warrior [b]But Double Summon isn't a speed spell. He can't use it in a turbo duel. but there's 8 levels of monsters. I call Stardust Dragon.[/b] and then tune them all for collosal fighter!and attack!game! [b]What? Yusei doesn't use Colossal Fighter. Why does he have it now? Is this because that random card from before happened to do 1200, so Colossal Fighter had enough attack to win that turn when nothing else Yusei could have summoned that turn could have? I suppose it must be.[/b] [b]It's over? What happened to the bit where we find out about what the villain wants, or the bit where Yusei makes a dramatic comeback from behind? Also, what happened to this guy after Yusei won with someone else's cards?[/b] You need to work on your spelling and grammar. Try typing it up in a word processor, rather than on the forum. Don't use the word 'said', it's boring, and when you use it a lot it gets repetitive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obaslyra Posted October 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 fixed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obaslyra Posted October 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2010 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrystalCyae Posted October 23, 2010 Report Share Posted October 23, 2010 [quote name='obaslyra' timestamp='1287767103' post='4725895'] fixed! [/quote] I don't see any change to the story at all.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilfusion Posted October 23, 2010 Report Share Posted October 23, 2010 [quote name='obaslyra' timestamp='1287717517' post='4724972'] chapter 1 [b]I see a wall of text. Not good to read. It's very difficult to keep track of where I am in the story.[/b] 5 years after world racing grand prix....yusei was riding his duel runner on a non crowded road. [b]A "non-crowded" road? You sure you want to stick with that? It sounds stupid. "Deserted" road better conveys the absence of other people.[/b] and suddenly he heard a tire screech in front of him, then an ice blue duel runner with a blue eyed messy black haired rider drove in front of him and stopped. exuse me. said yusei. [b]Your grammar and spelling is painful. There's these certain marks called "quotation marks" and they like to indicate when someone is speaking. Capitalization where necessary is also encouraged.[/b] humth not until you duel me he replied as the area became sourounded in a wall of shadows. [b]I have never hard of the sound "humth", and the spelling is still in need of checking.[/b] okay then ill go first said yusei. lets go!draw! i summon quilbolt hegehog in defence,set 3 cards facedown and end my turn.said yusei .draw!said kirie.first since you control a monster and i dont i can speicial summon dark ice dragon #1from my hand . and for my normal summon i choose dark ice breezer and now i tune my lv 3 tuner dark ice brezer with lv 4 dark ice dragon #1 to summon dark ice - armored ice with 2500 atk . and i destroy your quilbolt hedgehog by attacking. not so fast! i activate quill blast,it allows me to negate the attack and inflict 1000 damage to your life points. said yusei. [b]This is virtually impossible to follow. You should break paragraphs when characters speak, use quotation marks, use proper capitalization on names and card names, properly captialize card terminology, maybe describe the appearances of the monsters, and give us stats. Like in the show, where they flash the ATK/DEF and level of the monster they summon. Apparently the characters can see that too, so it's not just for the benefit of watchers/readers. Quill Blast? That sounds even more ridiculously conditional than most of Yusei's cards. And Kirie's name was never mentioned, so why do we suddenly know who he is?[/b] kirie:3000 yusei:4000 [b]Don't Shadow Duels hurt players? I could have sworn I remembered that from every other Shadow Duel in the series of Yugioh.[/b] i end my turn.said kirie. [b]How many duelists in the show have EVER ended their first turn without a S/T?[/b] draw!said yusei. i activate the trap power overload which lets me pay 1000 life points to destroy all monsters with 2000 or more atk so goodbye armored ice! next, i activate speed spell-double summon and summon junk syncron and level warrior and then tune them all for stardust dragon,!and actvate rising energy!and attack! [b]What? Yusei is using an anti-power card? Yusei uses a defensive strategy, but not defensive-aggressive. Also, you just had Yusei OTK someone. Yusei has NEVER OTKed someone. The only duelist to ever do a successful OTK is Crow...that did not endear him to fans. Again, you could have been WAY more descriptive of monsters and plays, and the thing I hate the most is that Yusei blatantly had the lead from the go. Yusei never has the lead from the start. This breaks formula, but not in a good way. This Kirie guy is clearly a villain with shadow powers, but he didn't give Yusei any challenge at all. Yusei owned him. This duel has no tension at all. The villain is never close to winning, and the entire game lasted 3 turns.[/b] [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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