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| Distant Memories | An original Fic by ~Soulciety~ | Chapter 4: Crate's Acceptance added |

Ghoulish

By Ghoulish
in Creative Writing

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  • 7 months later...
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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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[b]Weather Reports, Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.[/b]

[spoiler=The Deathberry Returns][color=#800080]There you are, Roxas![/color]

[color=#0000cd]Hey, Jen. Wait, something's wrong. Did you change your font color?[/color]

[color=#800080]Yeah, I had to. For some reason, the system won't recognize my previous color.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]I see. So, what do you want?[/color]

[color=#800080]Um, what was the last Divination you wrote?[/color]

[color=#0000CD]I think it was when I reviewed that Percy Jackson with Nexev, but that was all the way back in May. Why do you ask?[/color]

[color=#800080]Well, you see, there have been four more Divinations published since then.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]...[i]WHAT[/i]?[/color]

[color=#800080]Here, you should read these.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]...[/color]

[color=#800080]Well?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]This Votek guy is a massive jerk, but I'm curious how he's able to contact these guys. Wait a minute, Jen, how did you get here originally?[/color]

[color=#800080]I don't know, Roxas. I just found this place, and I thought I could help you.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]That's the thing. This Votek guy did it the other way around. He found the main characters, although I can't say that really applies for Michæl.[/color]

[color=#800080]Michæl?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Hey, I said Votek was a jerk, but that doesn't mean I can't think some of his jokes.[/color]

[color=#800080]But Roxas, what about Dan? In 17 Again, Dan was rather snarky. I don't think I've ever seen him act that way![/color]

[color=#0000cd]Maybe...[/color]

[color=#800080]What? Do you know something?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]It's probably nothing. Do you have any other stories that we can review?[/color]

[color=#800080]Well, [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/213134-holy-descent/"][color=#800080]Holy Descent[/color][/url][color=#800080] was hoping that you could review his [/color][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/224964-distant-memories-an-original-fic-by-soulciety-chapter-4-crates-acceptance-added/page__hl__%2Bdistant+%2Bmemories__fromsearch__1"][color=#800080]Distant Memories[/color][/url][color=#800080] story.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Sure, we can do that. What's it based on?[/color]

[color=#800080]It's an original story.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Alright then. let's see... "blah, blah, blah, I'm not experienced with writing, I think this should be an anime, blah, blah, blah-"[/color]

[color=#800080]Roxas![/color]

[color=#0000cd]What?[/color]

[color=#800080]Mind your manners! Holy Descent probably worked very hard on this, so be nice![/color]

[color=#0000cd]Oh, fine.[/color]

[color=#800080]And don't nitpick![/color]

[color=#0000cd]...But I'm a Grammar Nazi. It's what I do.[/color]

[color=#800080]Don't let it dictate how your reviews work! You shouldn't worry about the grammar, but instead you should focus on the story in conveys.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]I do that too...[/color]

[color=#800080]Oh really? Then how come I typically see you harp on about grammar?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Fine, fine. Let's begin.[/color]

[b][i][i][color=#000080][size=4]"Only by cherishing [color=red][size=4]memories[/size][/color] can we truly demean those we wish to be rid of and assure those [color=red][size=4]memories[/size][/color] we wish to hold, are not made into [color=red][size=4]distant[/size][/color] ones.”[/size][/color][/i][/i][/b]

[size=4][color=#0000cd]As is typical of many things that Square Enix has a habit of exaggerating, this makes no sense.[/color][/size]

[color=#800080][size=4]You're not looking at it hard enough. It's basically saying to treasure the memories we want to hold on to.[/size][/color]

[color=#0000CD]Then why highlight "memories" and "distant"?[/color]

[color=#800080]Roxas...[/color]

[color=#0000CD]He's trying to beat the title into our heads, isn't he?[/color]

[img]http://i51.tinypic.com/14nfup0.jpg[/img]

[color=#0000cd]What is this even supposed to be?[/color]

[color=#800080]Cover art, obviously. Hey look, the colors match ours![/color]

[color=#0000cd]...Let's move on to the prologue.[/color]

[i]“Crack!” “Splash!” The eerie sounds of a grown body breaking the surface of an icy layer of ground echoed through the area. The 25 year old body remained at a constant speed as it descended into the water below.[/i]

[i]“…I’m numb…” the thought coursed through his mind. [/i]

[i]“…My body…is cold.” The plunging body slowly descended through the icy water. [/i]

[i]“…How…did I get here?” his breathless face white and motionless, the occasional blink was his only sign of life, [/i]

[i]“Is this the…end?” His long dark brown hair remained vertical in an attempt to reach the surface, his long black leather pants were torn and battered. [/i]

[i]“Wait…who am….I?”[/i]

[color=#0000cd]Oh no, amnesiac protagonist, run away![/color]

[color=#800080]I thought you had no problem with that cliché?[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Oh.[/color]

[i]His once maroon singlet now reminiscent to a torn up cloth, revealing his built chest and right arm that although built was coloured with blood and wounds, his left arm was like a robotic replacement, it was light blue. It glowed and glistened, reminiscent to the light blue water around him.[/i]

[color=#0000cd]So our main protagonist has a mysterious prosthetic? Already this seems interesting.[/color]

[i]“Why am I…here?” the 6”2 man[/i]

[color=#0000cd]Jen, I know you said no nitpicking, but will you at least let me saw that exact measurements are rather unnecessary to include?[/color]

[color=#800080]Fine.[/color]

[i]looked towards the surface of the water, his half opened eyes glanced at the body sized hole in the layer of ice above him. He watched as it slowly became smaller and smaller.[/i]

[color=#0000cd]Has he seriously not realized that [i]he's drowning[/i]?[/color]

[i]“My name…what is my name…Kia? Kira?”[/i]

[color=#800080]We know it's called the "Kai Chronicles", so we know that that's his name.[/color]

[i]A slight glance to his right showed a long half black and half white buster like blade sinking parallel to his body. The blade descended at the same constant speed as the man and was attached on the end of the hilt by a long sheet of half black and half white cloth.[/i]

[color=#0000cd]Wait, is this guy supposed to be a Cloud expy? You're seriously going with that?[/color]

[i]A light smile surfaced from the 25 year olds face,[/i]

[color=#800080]You don't have to repeat his age. You can just refer to him as "the man" now.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]What was that you said about nitpicking?[/color]

[color=#800080]...Shut up.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]What's with you today? You've never been like this.[/color]

[i]it contrasted with his pale face, light brown eyes and half opened eyes.[/i]

[color=#0000cd]As opposed to his light brown eyes that weren't half-open, or his half-open eyes that weren't light brown.[/color]

[color=#800080]That's it, I'm getting the bat.[/color]

[i]Movement of the man’s right arm was visible as it slowly floated extending straight out and pointing to his right, his hand motioned lightly to grasp the hilt of the blade. [/i]

[i]“Is this hopeless…?” His fingers got closer to the hilt inches away from its touch.[/i]

[i]“…Maybe this isn’t the end.”[/i]

[color=#0000cd]It won't be the end if you at least remembered how to swim. I'm surprised that you're not dead yet.[/color]

[i]His fingers continued to stretch for the hilt of the blade. Its occasional twitch was a sign of the pain being experienced by the boy. The fingers were mere centimetres away.[/i]

[i]“Almost there…” His eyes began twitching his teeth grinding, suddenly a large cough released a handful of blood from the man’s mouth, his arm began descending, failing in its attempt to grab the hilt of the blade.[/i]

[i]“…It is over? Like this?” The strain in the man's neck due to the lack of air could be seen by the growing veins.[/i]

[color=#0000cd]Took long enough.[/color]

[i]A bright light flash began to appear from the hole in the surface of the water. He glanced straight up at the slowly fading hole and smiled lightly.[/i]

[i]“…I will always…Cherish….those…. [color=red][size=4]memories[/size][/color].”[/i]

[color=#0000cd]Really? The distracting highlights are really going to be consistent through this story?[/color]

[i]A loud splash was then heard as the calmness of the surface of the water was now unsettled by a shape that slowly formed into a person swimming down towards the descending boy. [/i]

[color=#0000cd]You said - twice - that he was twenty-five. That hardly makes him a "boy".[/color]

[i]The figure revealed to be a woman, no more then 23, she wore a black wet suit and had short dark blue hair. Her words drowned in the pressure of the airless water, her arm extended desperately reaching for the descending man's right arm.[/i]

[i]He watched the girl struggle, her face showed signs of strain but hope as she continued squinting her eyes. He looked back at the hilt of the blade to his right, he then slowly glanced at the bright light still emitting from the now barely visible hole in the ice surface.[/i]

[i]“…Only by cherishing [color=red][size=4]memories[/size][/color]…can we truly demean those we wish to be rid of…and to assure those [color=red][size=4]memories[/size][/color] we wish to hold….are not made into…[color=red][size=4]distant[/size][/color] [color=red][size=4]memories[/size][/color].”[/i]

[color=#0000cd]We're still in the prologue. Was it really necessary to have that last sentence slightly altered to serve as an excerpt before this?[/color]

[color=#0000CD]Jen's not back yet. I hope she wasn't serious about that bat.[/color]

[i]The man’s arm suddenly made one final attempt to reach the hilt of the blade, it slowly but surely began rising to be parallel to the blade, it then slowly floated pointing straight out, his fingers began cringing as he slowly drew closer to the blade’s hilt. His fingers wrapped slowly around the hilt of the blade moving it closer to the palm of his hand, he then grasped it tightly and smiled lightly.[/i]


[i]“Oh, that’s right…” the man chuckled. “Kai…my name’s Kai…” The girls fingers stretched out approaching Kai’s arm, she then grabbed firmly over his shoulder and wrapped her arm under his arm pit, she then kicked her legs down and began pulling his lifeless [/i][i]body up towards the slowly intensifying light. Kai’s blade hung solely on the balance of Kai’s will to grip the hilt. He glanced at the girl’s struggling face as she carried his close to lifeless body.[/i]

[i]“…Who are you?” he thought, her smooth face and dangling dark blue hair was an image of beauty. They were now a metre from the light that shone even brighter through the hole. [/i]

[i]Kai chuckled and smiled lightly.[/i]

[color=#0000cd]And so Kai is saved. Hurray.[/color]

[i]“Looks like I get to hold onto my [color=red][size=4]memories[/size][/color]…they won’t become [color=red][size=4]distant[/size][/color]….they’ll be cherished…nothing will put them to rest.”[/i]


[i][u][i][b][size=5]Distant Memories[/size][/b][/i][/u][/i]

[color=#0000cd]You can stop beating the title into our heads now. Yes, we know that this is called "Distant Memories", so find some other ways to tell a story without reminding us of that. This reminds me of the beginning of a Kingdom Hearts game where the title appears after the prologue is done, just like how everything else that's cinematic does it. However, this is not a movie or an anime, so don't get too ahead of yourself.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Aside from that, this is a good start to the story. Your only problem so far seems to be grammar and pacing. Kai seems like a decent main character, so I'd like to see what will happen when the story really kicks off.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Jen, I heard your footsteps.[/color]

[color=#800080]Aw...[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Don't look so innocent. I can see that you're holding that bat behind your back.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Well, at least you didn't get upset with this.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]So, what's next.[/color]

[color=#800080]"The Kai Chronicles, Arc 1".[/color]

[color=#0000cd]"Arc 1"? Can't you just say "Book 1"? Besides, "The Kai Chronicles" seems to refer to the first installment in the series the author seems to be planning. Dividing a book that's already part of the planned series into even smaller parts comprised of separate chapters just seems odd.[/color]

[color=#800080]Oh, tons of series have done that, so stop complaining. Anyway, Chapter 1 is called "The Travelers, Kai and Pax".[/color]

[color=#0000cd]Aside from misspelling "travelers", which is understandable, that sounds interesting, although if it's supposed to continue off from the prologue, why can't this just be Chapter 2 and the prologue can be Chapter 1?[/color]

[color=#800080]Let's begin with Part 1.[/color]

[color=#0000cd]...Come again?[/color]

[i]NOTE: Not every chapter will be this long it's only because it is chapter 1.[/i]

[color=#0000cd]A quick glimpse shows that, out of all the chapters posted so far, Chapter 1 is indeed the only one put into two parts. Why Holy Descent didn't just make Chapter 1 Part 2 into Chapter 3 is beyond me. Wait, Jen, what are you-[/color]

[color=#800080]*Whack*[/color]

[color=#800080]I warned you.[/color] [color=#800080]Now it's my turn.[/color]

[i]A light breeze swept the dry gravel path, the surrounding ground looked dead as the hard surface gave no life to any plant like creatures. The bright sun scorched the area with tremendous heat, an occasional hawk would soar through the bright sky, looking for prey to attack.[/i]

[color=#800080]Well, your description seems better than before. Let's see why we went from a frozen lake to the desert.[/color]

[i]The sounds of 2 sets of footsteps engulfed the dry area,[/i]

[color=#800080]..."The sounds of their footsteps?" Don't make me act like Roxas.[/color]

[i]one belonged to a boy who appeared to be 15 and stood at 5”3, he had a red torn poncho like clothing wrapped around his neck that covered his shoulders and the top of his chest, he also wore a tight white singlet and had a brown belt that kept up his baggy black pants, he also wore 2 black gloves with finger holes in them, noticeably under the poncho on his back sat 2 identical and small katana like blades that grew wider and thicker as it progressed in length, they also had 5 small holes in them on the sides. He had short black hair that was spiky on the top and flat at the back, it led to a small ratty like style going down his neck. He was also quite tanned, had brown eyes and a very smooth face. His face was covered with a big cheeky smile. [/i]

[color=#800080]Well, thanks for describing what one of them looks like while suggesting an age that is probably accurate and yet the narration only assumes is true. What will happen now?[/color]

[i]The man standing next to him looked to be 25 years of age, he had long brown hair that descended to close to half way down his back, he also had a strain of hair going over the right side of his face and over his ear. He had brown eyes and was quite tanned. He too like the boy had a poncho like clothing on, however his was a vanilla colour and covered his right shoulder and his whole left arm. [/i]
[i]He wore a maroon coloured singlet that descended to his waist, it was tight and descended further at the back, it was also torn at the end. He wore tight black leather pants and black boots. The man stood at 6”2, his face depicted a man with serious intentions. [/i]
[i]The vanilla poncho he wore descended to his calves at the back.[/i]

[color=#800080]Ah. See, there's nothing wrong with describing characters. As you may have heard, it helps us know what we're supposed to imagine as we read this story. However, too much description slows down the story and may turn away readers, as they'll expect that your story is full of describing everything in the scene, while in reality, very little is happening.[/color]

[color=#800080]Damn it, Roxas.[/color]

[i]The two walked down the rubble trail seeing in the distance what appeared to be a poor town, although it was quite big. The smaller boy[/i]

[color=#800080]There was a boy who [i]wasn't[/i] smaller?[/color]

[i][i]continued [/i]with his cheerful smile and eyes closed, he began whistling a tune while exaggerating his walk in a comical way, his actions caught the attention of the bigger man who looked down at him, his face was still a look of discontent.[/i]

[color=#800080]In spite of the intense description supplied earlier, I'm just going to imagine this kid walking like Spongebob did in that joke video on the beginning of "The Sponge Who Could Fly".[/color]

[i]“Pax, do you really have to?” The man questioned the boy known as Pax who grinned widely.[/i]

[i]“Come on Kai, you gotta cheer up you know, like this!” Pax jumped a metre forward turned around and pointed with both fingers to his big smile, Kai stopped and looked on with embarrassment.[/i]

[color=#800080]Still imagining Pax as Spongebob.[/color]

[i]Kai chuckled lightly. “Let’s just keep going.” Pax sighed.[/i]

[i]“Ok bro.” Pax returned walking next to Kai and began whistling the same tune. Noticeably for a brief moment the wind picked up waving Kai and Pax’s Ponchos to the left, under Kai’s poncho rested on his back a big blade, a Buster blade that was half white and half black, it looked to be 1.5 metres long and quite thick.[/i]

[color=#800080]Now, I can picture this scene perfectly, what was the point of it happening? We know this is the same Kai from the flashback, and we know that he had his Buster Blade, but what was the point of showing that here this way?[/color]

[i]**[/i]
[i]The small poor town was covered with small brown shelters and one room homes, the streets were a cement path with dirt close to engulfing it. 5 small boys who appeared to be about 10 were kicking a tattered ball on the street, one of the boys swung his leg back to kick the ball but tripped and face planted the ground. The boy instantly broke into tears catching the attention of many of the poor villagers. The boy sat up holding his cut face and sobbing.[/i]

[i]“Are you okay?” Came the soft voice of a woman who was kneeling by his side, she appeared to be about 25 and had short dark blue hair[/i]

[color=#800080]In spite of the dark blue hair, I presume that his girl is not the same one from the prologue. Holy Descent would have told us that "she looked 23" if that was the case.[/color]

[i]with a strip going down her ears and blue eyes, her chest was quite busty[/i]

[color=#800080]Because mentioning her breast size was clearly important.[/color]

[i]and her face very smooth, she wore light blue short shorts, a white singlet and slightly tattered long blue gloves with holes where the fingers were.[/i]

[i][img]http://www.amptoons.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/frank_miller_shortpacked.png[/img][/i]

[i]“C-Celia?” The boy snivelled with tears as the girl warmly smiled and wiped the cut on his forehead with a tissue. [/i]

[i]“You should be careful when playing on the road, the dirt’s very slippery.” Celia stated with a smile, the boy instantly smiled and wiped his tears, he then stood up and ran back to play with his friends, the townspeople watching all smiled and chatted amongst themselves of Celia and her helpful ways. [/i]

[color=#800080]Was this the same exchange the boy had with his parents before this happened? His parents just told him to be careful, and he immediately smiled, then ran outside? I wonder how long it will take for this kid to trip on himself again.[/color]

[color=#800080]Oh, and this Celia dresses in a rather skimpy outfit, and everyone praises her for being such a helpful woman that the kids instantly listen to. That's not unbelievable at all.[/color]

[i]Celia stood up and smiled wiping some dirt off her shorts, she then began to walk forward but stopped with a questioned look as she saw 2 people with ponchos, one a man taller and with a bigger poncho and a boy smaller and with a smaller one, the boy was whistling a tune while the man simply walked forward. As a breeze blew in their ponchos lifted slightly at the back to reveal their swords. Celia immediately turned to shock.[/i]

[color=#800080]"What on earth is that kid doing?"[/color]

[i]“They have weapons? What would they be doing way out here?” She thought to herself. “I better keep a close eye on them.” Celia began walking slowly through the crowd of people keeping a safe distance from the two she followed. They all walked along the path to the left side of the cement road, walking passed small food stands and shops. [/i]

[color=#800080][i]I have some questions about the story thus far, but I'll hold off on asking them until this [s]chapter[/s] part is done.[/i][/color]

[i]Pax continued whistling freely and had his hand pressing against the back of his head. He suddenly opened his eyes widely and turned to Kai. [/i]

[i]“Hey Kai.”[/i]

[i]Kai nodded. “I know.” The two continued looking forward.[/i]

[i]Celia remained following, the crowd of people seemed to never end, for a brief moment her vision of the two became blocked by the crowd of people, Celia quickly attempted to get a better view as she rushed through the crowd, however she had lost sight of them, it was as if they had disappeared.[/i]

[i]Celia sighed for a moment then looked forward seeing a back alley like street[/i]

[color=#800080]She's in an alley. Don't pretend that it's the same as a street.[/color]

[i]that led into a dark area to the left, Celia moved forward and ran into the 5 metre wide area of the alley. There was no crowd or signs of any other people. Celia treaded on with caution taking slow steps and looking side to side. The alley was dark and plagued with the sounds of ruffling paper on the ground. After she was well within the alley a voice spoke from behind her.[/i]

[i]“You need something?” Celia quickly stopped in her tracks and turned around slowly to see leaning on the brick wall to her left Kai with his right hand in his pocket and his left arm covered by the poncho.[/i]

[color=#800080]If we're supposed to think Celia is in danger here, it's her own fault for being suspicious, not that I blame the skank.[/color]

[i]“Are you following us lad-“ Pax began until he had a good view of Celia’s face. Love hearts sprung within Pax’s eyes as he raced towards the girl and held her left hand with both of his.[/i]

[color=#800080]And of course, the young Pax immediately falls for her in a ridiculously cartoonish style. Celia is such a compelling character that Pax cannot deny his sudden passion![/color]

[i]“Please excuse us miss, I’m Pax and this is my brother Kai!” Celia looked confused at Pax’s forwardness in greeting her. Kai simply shook his head for a brief moment.[/i]

[color=#800080]I doubt that Pax is really Kai's brother. It's likely just a kind of brotherly partnership that many anime use to the point that the younger one refers to the older one as "bro".[/color]

[i]“N-Nice to meet you..” Celia began, kai stood up straight not leaning on the wall, he faced Celia and Pax.[/i]

[i]“Don’t mind him, he gets like this sometimes but still you were following us weren’t you.”[/i]

[color=#800080]She's been going in the same path as you all this time. Do you even have to ask at this point?[/color]

[i]Celia thought for a moment and realised lying would get her nowhere.[/i]

[i]“Y-You both have weapons?” Celia stuttered. Pax returned to his normal self for a brief moment and took his two identical swords from the holders along his back and held them parallel and vertically.[/i]

[i]“You mean these?!” He called out with a big smile. Celia instantly was in shock after this and fell on her backside scared and shaking.[/i]
[i]Kai pushed Pax’s chest back with his hand as he walked up to the scared Celia.[/i]

[i]Kai knelt down and held his right hand out with a light smile.[/i]

[i]“Sorry about him, he doesn’t realise that towns like this are laid back and not used to seeing weapons.[/i]

[color=#800080]"Which is why we brought our incredibly powerful weapons. Our motivation is meant to be mysterious, so we'll explain to you only at the moment when it becomes necessary."[/color]

[color=#800080]"You guys can't just tell me now?"[/color]

[color=#800080]"Silly girl. It wouldn't be fun that way."[/color]

[i]Let me help you up.” Kai motioned for Celia to accept his gesture, hesitant at first Celia accepted and grabbed Kai’s hand who helpped lift her up. Kai then immediately brushed Celia’s hair off the left side of her neck, Kai then sighed a sigh of relief.[/i]

[color=#800080]I assume that Kai mistook Celia for the woman who saved him. Good to know that the resemblance is intentional and not just lazy character designing.[/color]

[i]“I’m Kai and this is Pax[/i]

[color=#800080]Pax already introduced you two. You seem like you're the smarter one, so how did you not notice this?[/color]

[i]what’s your name?” Pax walked up with a cheeky smile and stood next to Kai with his arms pressing on the back of his head.[/i]

[i]Celia felt slightly better and more comfortable as she replied. “I-I’m Celia, are you’s travellers?”[/i]

[i]Kai and pax looked at each other for a brief second.[/i]

[i]“You can say that.” Kai replied. “We’re actually looking fo-“[/i]

[i]“Quickly! The collector is here!!!” A voice called out from the street interrupting Kai and causing Celia to look down after hearing the call.[/i]

[color=#800080]I was hoping that I could stop here, as this is the end of Part 1, but I'm admittedly interested enough to see this first chapter through to the end, so we'll continue on to Part 2.[/color]

[i]“What’s a collector?” Pax asked Celia, Celia slowly looked up to Pax and Kai.[/i]

[color=#800080]At least the explanation that this chapter was too long works for explaining why there had to be two parts. However, because of the way Part 1 cuts off, people will probably want to read Part 2 immediately after that, so you're better off just keeping it as one part.[/color]

[i]“A collector is a man sent from Mu-Tech-“[/i]

[i]“Mu-Tech!?” Pax called out in question looking towards Kai,[/i]

[color=#800080]Yes, interrupt the girl you've just fallen for. That leaves a good first impression.[/color]

[i]Kai looked at Pax and nodded. Pax then returned to look at Celia as a sweat dropped down his forehead.[/i]
[color=#800080]Well, at this Kai helped him realize he was being rude.[/color]

[i]“In order to pay for the security they give us we have to pay the collector of Mu-Tech.” Celia laughed an angered laugh. “Even though we never needed or wanted the security…” Celia looked down, a tear dropped from her eyes.[/i]


[i]“Is money that important here?” Pax asked.[/i]

[i]“Of course it is, but we don’t have much of it…good hard people use their yearly income…on one visit!” Pax and Kai looked shocked. “He comes once a month, you can imagine how much money we owe him.”[/i]

[color=#800080]You know, if Mu-Tech is considered so awful, maybe they shouldn't charge so much? For example, why would they bother to offer this town protection? Did they just go to the town, demand that they accept Mu-Tech's services, and ask for payment? Obviously they're being set up as the evil organization of this story, but they seem to be going out of their way to make it blatantly obvious because... money?[/color]

[color=#800080]Maybe Mu-Tech's goals will be explained in a bit. That should clear things up.[/color]

[i]“Everyone gather in front of me!!!” a disgustingly arrogant and deep voice came from the middle of the street. Kai, Pax and Celia looked towards the street at the start of the alley.[/i]

[i]“Is that him?” Kai asked with a serious expression. [/i]

[i]Celia nodded. “I’m sorry you have to pay as well, he doesn’t care if you’re just passing by…if you leave now you can escape without paying.”[/i]

[i]Kai looked towards the street and began walking soon followed by Pax and then Celia.[/i]

[i]“Wait didn’t you here me? You have to try to escape through the back, you’re not on the list of villagers, you can escape without paying!”[/i]

[color=#800080]You just said that it doesn't matter if they're not on the list. Yes, they could escape without him noticing and they wouldn't have to pay. It sounds like if he so much as sees you, you have to pay.[/color]

[i]Celia stated, however Kai and Pax continued to walk forward.[/i]

[i]“Don’t worry. The villagers aren’t paying today.” Kai stated.[/i]

[i]The 3 made it to the street seeing a long line of villagers along the path while a 6”7 tall and fat man, wearing a light blue fur coat that covered his big white shirt, he also wore white baggy pants that tucked into his knee high black boots. Noticeably his right arm from where his forearm to his hand should be, was replaced by a half a metre long blue metallic blade. He had a small black beard and a pig like nose with wild black long hair on his head. Standing either side of him were men wearing a dark blue and black soldier outfit with a helmet, they held guns pointed at the villagers and panning left to right of them.[/i]

[i]Kai, Pax and Celia pushed their way to the front of the line and witnessed the man.[/i]

[i]“I Iron Chest! Am the Collector of this town! And I demand my rent!”[/i]

[color=#800080]What moron gave this neanderthal the position of Collector? I'll be surprised if he can even count.[/color]

[i]No one dared argue with the fat figure whose arrogant voice was only matched by his large grin. The villagers all cowered while Iron Chest panned his vision of the villagers.[/i]

[i]Kai turned to Celia. “What is the cost of rent here?”[/i]

[i]“50 gold” Celia replied.[/i]

[i]“Figures.” Kai stated as he walked out of the line of villagers and towards Iron Chest. [/i]

[i]Iron Chest on first glance frowned, the 2 soldiers pointed their guns at Kai.[/i]

[i]“Halt!” They called, Kai stopped and reached into his pants pocket pulling out a small brown bag tied up. Kai threw the bag towards [/i]
[i]Iron Chest who still with a discontent and disgusted look caught it and opened it up, revealing gold within the bag.[/i]

[i]“That’s 50 gold, that’s what you want right? So leave.” Kai persuaded. Iron Chest grinned and put the gold in his pocket replying.[/i]

[i]“I haven’t seen you around before! Who are you?” [/i]

[i]“I think it’d be best if you didn’t know my name.”[/i]

[i]Celia looked on with confusion. “What’s he doing?”[/i]

[i]Pax smiled a cheeky smile. “His being Kai! Don’t worry, he’ll be fine!” Celia looked towards Kai who stood about 5 metres from Iron Chest.[/i]


[i]“HAHAHAHAHA!!!” Iron Chest roared with laughter. “I can already tell you’re not from this town! So how about this! The rent has increased! To 200 Gold!”[/i]

[color=#800080]Wait, he charges people who aren't from the town, which implies that he has done so in the past. The only reason that explains why he's only now quadrupling the price is because Kai is apparently the only person in the town who has ever bothered to talk to Iron Chest like this. [/color]

[i]Kai watched with the same expression as many people from the village began whispering amongst themselves.[/i]

[i]Iron Chest grew frustrated of Kai’s choice not to reply and began walking over to him.[/i]

[i]“Do you know who I am! I’m one of Mu-tech’s 15 collectors! You dare not reply to me!?”[/i]

[color=#800080]Wait, wasn't he talking like a caveman earlier? Why is he now talking like a generic, evil officer?[/color]

[i]“I know all about Mu-Tech.” Kai replied, Iron Chest stopped 1 metre away from Kai and had an angered and shocked expression. “Your goals, your plans, I know all of it.”[/i]

[color=#800080]Then perhaps you would care to enlighten us with some exposition?[/color]

[i]“Y-You know nothing! Nothing at all!” The villagers began to take a step back. “How’s this for rent! 200 Gold, and your life!” Iron [/i]
[i]Chest immediately lifted his sword like arm in the air and swung down at Kai.[/i]

[i]Kai removed his left arm’s hidden nature under the poncho and over his head in a 90 degree angle in an attempt to repel the blade revealing his left arm’s robotic like structure, it was no ordinary metallic arm, it was advanced technology, glowing lightly and proportionally accurate with his other arm. Upon impact the sword like arm of Iron Chest shattered into 100’s of pieces.[/i]

[color=#800080]The prologue already showed us that Kai had a robotic arm, so why are you pretending that this is the first time we're learning this? Also, the description of this scene is hilariously overdramatic.[/color]

[i]Iron Chest roared in pain and anger as he stumbled a metre back holding his wounded arm that continuously bled.[/i]

[color=#800080]Wait, wasn't the arm metallic? Would he really be bleeding that much?[/color]

[color=#800080]By the way, you've been using meters as your only form of measurement. Out of curiosity, how many people are aware how long a meter is without having to use some form of conversion?[/color]

[i]The villagers all looked on in shock even Celia couldn’t believe it. The 2 soldiers immediately took a step forward and shot at Kai.[/i]

[i]Kai stood unresponsive as Pax suddenly appeared In front of him with his two swords in the shape of an “X” in front of him, a loud “Cling” was heard as 6 bullets were somehow attached to his blades. Pax continued his cheeky smile.[/i]

[i]“What the?” The soldiers questioned, they then stopped in scared shock as Kai took a couple of steps forward at the kneeling Iron [/i]
[i]Chest who quickly rejected his playing possum act [/i]

[color=#800080]He was playing possum?[/color]

[i]and stood up straight pulling his left arm back in an attempt to throw a punch. Kai clenched his robotic left hand and thrusted it forward at a rapid speed hitting the chest of Iron Chest and breaking the shirt revealing a metallic fat chest with a big dint in it from the impact. Iron chest was sent back colliding with the two soldiers causing all 3 laying on the ground.[/i]

[color=#800080]See, his name is Iron Chest because he has an iron chest.[/color]

[color=#800080]Really?[/color]

[i]Iron Chest coughed out blood as the two soldiers stood up in pain and began dragging the wounded Iron Chest to their hovering car.[/i]

[i]“You…will all….pay….” Iron Chest murmured as the two soldiers struggled to lift him into the hovering car, when they finally did they turned the ignition of and soared through the street. After a few seconds the black car disappeared from sight.[/i]

[i]All the villagers stood shocked as Kai motioned to Pax to continue. Pax nodded and followed Kai as they began to walk in the same direction the car went.[/i]

[i]Celia watched them start to walk away and thought to herself.[/i]

[i]“Kai and Pax…”[/i]

[color=#800080]And that's it. The chapter just ends. I actually thought the story so far seems interesting, but it's obvious meant to come off as the first episode of some anime that features some wandering guy who goes to a poor town. It's not all that original, but it's original enough to make me want to read some more. If anything, the biggest problem is the way this is written, with needlessly lengthy, awkward, and/or over-the-top descriptions. Fortunately, it's not too distracting from the story, and it does help the reader clearly imagine what is going on.[/color]

[color=#006400]Hey Jen, have you seen... what happened to Roxas?[/color]

[color=#800080]Oh... hi, Blake. Um, I see you changed your text color too.[/color]

[color=#006400]What's with the bat?[/color]

[color=#800080]Um...[/color]

[color=#006400]Never mind, it's obvious that you beat Roxas with it because he's being obnoxious again.[/color]

[color=#800080]Yeah, he was. I was hoping to try and fix his method of reviewing, but it didn't work.[/color]

[color=#006400]Oh, the two of you were working on a Divination? How did it go?[/color]

[color=#800080]See for yourself.[/color]

[color=#006400]...[/color]

[color=#006400]Wow, Jen. You've truly learned the art of snark.[/color]

[color=#800080]Um, thanks?[/color]

[color=#006400]Who's this Votek guy?[/color]

[color=#800080]Have you heard of him?[/color]

[color=#006400]I can't say I have.[/color]

[color=#800080]Well, as soon as Roxas wakes up, the three of us should investigate.[/color]

[color=#006400]And how long do you think that will take?[/color]

[color=#800080]Um...[/color]

[color=#006400]Never mind.[/color][/spoiler]

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Catterjune Newbie

Catterjune

Posted
Posted

The best way to write descriptions is to have them arise organically.

"The boy ran a hand through his spiky brown hair before smiling smugly. He reached into his dark long coat pocket and pulled out his deck. "My eyes met with my opponent's own blue irises as we drew our opening hand. 'Duel!'"

It sounds much better then. "He had spiky brown hair, a dark long coat, and blue eyes", and I'm a garbage writer so you can probably write something better.

In any case, it establishes the opponent's personality (a smug sneering guy), describes him visually (at least what he wore), and moves the scene towards a dueling starting as opposed to just being a random info dump.

In my opinion.

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