Pokemon - S.P.R.D. [Sinnoh]

[Mehmani]

[spoiler=Chapter 1 - Right for the job?]
“Victor, come here mate.”

Stephen called out to his Pokémon. Stephen was around fifteen years old and of a medium height and build. His hair was jet black and his eyes an otherworldly green. His face was normal, somewhat handsome but not particularly good-looking. He was pretty normal looking, nothing too special. His original skin tone was obviously pale but was now browned to a tan colour from all the time he spent outdoors. His arms were gangly and his voice a sarcastic baritone.

“Victor, we ought to be going home now.” His voice echoed deeply over the gentle pastures of Route 201.

A small orange Pokémon crawled out from underneath a nearby bush. There were two orange spikes coming out of the top of its head, resembling a “V for Victory” sign. It had a mischievous smile plastered on its face. It seemed to be digging at the ground with its feet, on the scent of something. Several seconds later the little Pokémon shoved its hand down into the hole and pulled out a spotty yellow berry, which it promptly ate.

“Victor, you can dig for berries later. Come on, Mum will be worried. It’s getting dark out here.”

Victor the Victini reluctantly plodded towards Stephen, its arms crossed and its eyes stared fixedly at the ground.

“If you don’t get home in time, Jean will only give you half a bowl of food.” Stephen smiled.

Victor immediately rushed home as fast as it could before catching its foot on a stick. It squealed with annoyance and shot a fireball at the stick, promptly turning it to ashes.

“Oh, Victor, I’ll carry you home.” Stephen smiled, laughing gently.

He scooped up the little Pokémon, who was still eyeing the remains of the burnt stick with a fiery contempt. Stephen cradled Victor in his arms like a baby as he plodded home.


“Mum, I’m back!” Stephen shouted, panting heavily.

“That’s good sweetie! How was your day? Oh!” Jean looked down.

Victor was toddling over to Jean angrily, gesturing towards his foot.

“Did you hurt your foot? Oh, poor baby! Mummy will make you a nice big bowl of food and a little bandage, okay baby?”

Victor smiled eagerly as Jean poured a box of Pokémon food into a small bowl. He clapped and squealed with joy before filling his face.

“It was great. Me and Victor did a bit of training and just explored.” Stephen replied.

He sat down on the sofa and grabbed the TV remote. He got the Cable Menu up and clicked Channel 1. The News came on.

“There have been reports of Team Galactic activity spiking dramatically upwards, as the S.P.R.D. had to send in officers to Jubilife, Hearthome and Solaceon to subdue attempted Pokémon theft.” The newsreader said. “We now go over to Robert who’s at the main Police Headquarters near Veilstone. What’s the situation Robert?”

Stephen walked into the kitchen to grab a drink and a microwave curry from the fridge but kept his eyes on the TV.

“It’s a nightmare here Beth.” Robert the correspondent replied. “The S.P.R.D. is up to here with paperwork and arrest warrants following the incidents that transpired today. We are lucky enough to catch S.P.R.D. Chief Joshua Surge here with us today. So Chief Surge, what do you think of the escalation in Team Galactic activity?”

“Well sir, I can safely say that we do not have nearly enough manpower here at the S.P.R.D. We have no new blood coming into the ranks and we are in dire need of a new wave of recruits.” Surge replied. His hair was light blonde and cut short like his father’s hair was. He resembled his father in almost every way apart from his youthful face and attire.

“This goes out to every young person watching this – I urge you to sign up for the S.P.R.D. We need manpower very fast and we’ve got everything you’ll want in a job. Please, apply at your local station.” Surge stopped talking and briskly walked inside, whistling anxiously.

“A desperate plea for new recruits from Chief Joshua Surge there.” Robert spoke into the camera. “Robert out. Back to you now, Beth.”

“We also have reports of a new shipment of-“

Stephen turned off the TV.

“Mum...do you think I’m old enough to get a job yet?”[/spoiler]

[Erinyes]

Well, I'll give you props for not going with the traditional "time to catch them all" and "got to beat the pokemon league" type of Pokemon fanfic. Although you did I fine job describing Victor, and even went into its personality, we know nothing about Stephen except for his description. Of course, I understand you'll go into his personality as the story progresses, but right now he seems like the typical hero of an anime/manga: caring for his friends, steps up to a challenge, strong sense of justice, etc. That's my first impressions at least, which isn't good. Also, and this may be part of my personal preference here, but you could have easily gave us a description of Stephen throughout that first chapter, rather than taking up the second paragraph to do so. This may not be bad, but you probably bored new readers with description that could have been put in later and in separate paragraphs. Besides this, there isn't much I can say right now. You gave me an idea of how the story will progress, but you left me wanting in anticipation to find out what exactly happens next. You're writing isn't terrible, but has room to improve. Overall, nice job.

[evilfusion]

Hm...okay, let's see...

[i]"Stephen was around fifteen years old and of a medium height and build. His hair was jet black and his eyes an otherworldly green. His face was normal, somewhat handsome but not particularly good-looking. He was pretty normal looking, nothing too special. His original skin tone was obviously pale but was now browned to a tan colour from all the time he spent outdoors. His arms were gangly and his voice a sarcastic baritone"[/i]

While descriptive, this is a terrible way to introduce the main character. It crams details in at once, rather than create a more logical flow that can tie in with the story. You also go out of the way to describe his "normalcy". Being normal looking or nothing too special is by definition, not worth commenting on, and the phrasing itself is very vague. What qualifies as "normal"? Being average is nothing to remark upon and since half your description is emphasizing he's not exceptional, it's very awkward and boring. No traits jump out, there's nothing story-wise going on simultaneously to excuse the miniature description exposition.

[i]"His voice echoed deeply over the gentle pastures of Route 201."[/i]

Mildly nitpicky, but how exactly does a voice "echo" over a pasture? Echoing is sound waves rebounding, which is why voices echo in enclosed areas or valleys, and not if you're in the middle of a field.

Although the story title and the presence of Route 201 indicates that this takes place in Sinnoh, you have included a fifth generation Pokemon, when Isshu is confirmed to exist FAR away from the other four regions. In addition, Victini is a legendary. That's...very questionable, giving your main character a fifth generation legend in a fourth generation region.

[i]"Come on, Mum will be worried."
“If you don’t get home in time, Jean will only give you half a bowl of food.”
“Mum, I’m back!”[/i]

The narration invariably refers to the character as "Jean", but Stephen is inconsistent, having used both the name and the term "Mum" to reference the same person while talking to Victor. This is a little confusing.

There is absolutely no indication what S.P.R.D. stands for. It is in the title, it is referenced several times in the news in-story, but always by the acronym, and only hints as to their purpose.

[i]"His hair was light blonde and cut short like his father’s hair was. He resembled his father in almost every way apart from his youthful face and attire." [/i]

Well, based on name, he's related to Lt. Surge. The problem? WE DONT KNOW THAT. The description of a character's appearance references another character who has not been seen in the story. You assume we have Lt. Surge's appearance vividly in our mind, and it doesn't even explicitly state he's related to Lt. Surge. Only the last name similarity. Referencing another character to describe a character's appearance is sloppy and doesn't give readers much to work off of, particularly when the referenced character has not been seen previously in the story. When writing fanfics and stories, you should describe a character more clearly, in case a reader has not read/watched the source material.

It was very convenient the news got ahold of Joshua Surge so he could broadcast an recruit ad, but otherwise offer no answers to the news question. A pity he's so vague as to what the S.P.R.D. actually does, just in case someone's been living under a rock or people who know nothing about it are reading a story where it features prominently.

[Mehmani]

[quote name='Erinyes' timestamp='1285274415' post='4648714']
Well, I'll give you props for not going with the traditional "time to catch them all" and "got to beat the pokemon league" type of Pokemon fanfic. Although you did I fine job describing Victor, and even went into its personality, we know nothing about Stephen except for his description. Of course, I understand you'll go into his personality as the story progresses, but right now he seems like the typical hero of an anime/manga: caring for his friends, steps up to a challenge, strong sense of justice, etc. That's my first impressions at least, which isn't good. Also, and this may be part of my personal preference here, but you could have easily gave us a description of Stephen throughout that first chapter, rather than taking up the second paragraph to do so. This may not be bad, but you probably bored new readers with description that could have been put in later and in separate paragraphs. Besides this, there isn't much I can say right now. You gave me an idea of how the story will progress, but you left me wanting in anticipation to find out what exactly happens next. You're writing isn't terrible, but has room to improve. Overall, nice job.
[/quote]

Thank you. Of course, I'll go far deeper into his personality as the story progresses, but as this is the first chapter I feel the need to make it more of a "taster" kind of chapter.

[quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1285288323' post='4649523']
Hm...okay, let's see...

[i]"Stephen was around fifteen years old and of a medium height and build. His hair was jet black and his eyes an otherworldly green. His face was normal, somewhat handsome but not particularly good-looking. He was pretty normal looking, nothing too special. His original skin tone was obviously pale but was now browned to a tan colour from all the time he spent outdoors. His arms were gangly and his voice a sarcastic baritone"[/i]

While descriptive, this is a terrible way to introduce the main character. It crams details in at once, rather than create a more logical flow that can tie in with the story. You also go out of the way to describe his "normalcy". Being normal looking or nothing too special is by definition, not worth commenting on, and the phrasing itself is very vague. What qualifies as "normal"? Being average is nothing to remark upon and since half your description is emphasizing he's not exceptional, it's very awkward and boring. No traits jump out, there's nothing story-wise going on simultaneously to excuse the miniature description exposition.

[b]I do have a tendency to monologue about how people look, and I also have an impulsive desire to make the main character of a story as far from a Mary Sue (within reason, of course) as possible. I tried to make him seem fairly normal and I must admit that when I was referencing his averageness for the third time I thought it was a bit much.[/b]

[i]"His voice echoed deeply over the gentle pastures of Route 201."[/i]

Mildly nitpicky, but how exactly does a voice "echo" over a pasture? Echoing is sound waves rebounding, which is why voices echo in enclosed areas or valleys, and not if you're in the middle of a field.

[b]If you have played the games, you will notice that Route 201 is surrounded by tightly packed trees. Your voice does echo is a "foresty" environment, particularly at night. And as this story mentions several times, it is late evening and will be become dark soon, hence why they return home. His voice is also mentioned as being a baritone - deep voices tend to resonate quite a lot.[/b]

Although the story title and the presence of Route 201 indicates that this takes place in Sinnoh, you have included a fifth generation Pokemon, when Isshu is confirmed to exist FAR away from the other four regions. In addition, Victini is a legendary. That's...very questionable, giving your main character a fifth generation legend in a fourth generation region.

[b]All will be explained in due course - do you think I would randomly give a character a legendary without explaining it at some point? The story will explain 5th gen Pokemon appearing.[/b]

[i]"Come on, Mum will be worried."
“If you don’t get home in time, Jean will only give you half a bowl of food.”
“Mum, I’m back!”[/i]

The narration invariably refers to the character as "Jean", but Stephen is inconsistent, having used both the name and the term "Mum" to reference the same person while talking to Victor. This is a little confusing.

[b]Although this would be a stupid mistake to make, it was intentional - knowing a character by it's name will naturally make the audience feel more empathy for them as they seem more like a human (Jean) then an entity (Mum) that remains a nameless figure. Also, Stephen obviously calls his mother "Mum" while Victor obviously isn't the child of a human, so they would be referred to as Jean. Would you call a friend's mother "Mum"?[/b]

There is absolutely no indication what S.P.R.D. stands for. It is in the title, it is referenced several times in the news in-story, but always by the acronym, and only hints as to their purpose.

[b]That is a mistake and I will make sure that the full name is one of the first things to be mentioned in the next chapter.[/b]

[i]"His hair was light blonde and cut short like his father’s hair was. He resembled his father in almost every way apart from his youthful face and attire." [/i]

Well, based on name, he's related to Lt. Surge. The problem? WE DONT KNOW THAT. The description of a character's appearance references another character who has not been seen in the story. You assume we have Lt. Surge's appearance vividly in our mind, and it doesn't even explicitly state he's related to Lt. Surge. Only the last name similarity. Referencing another character to describe a character's appearance is sloppy and doesn't give readers much to work off of, particularly when the referenced character has not been seen previously in the story. When writing fanfics and stories, you should describe a character more clearly, in case a reader has not read/watched the source material.

It was very convenient the news got ahold of Joshua Surge so he could broadcast an recruit ad, but otherwise offer no answers to the news question. A pity he's so vague as to what the S.P.R.D. actually does, just in case someone's been living under a rock or people who know nothing about it are reading a story where it features prominently.

[b]Most people who click on a Pokemon fanfic will obviously know about Pokemon. Also, Chief Surge mentions the lack of available officers as being a problem, hence why he asks for recruits. I was also assuming that the readers would have powers of deduction potent enough to understand the relation.[/b]
[/quote]

That covers it. Next chapter will be up tomorrow. Both reviewers got a rep.

[evilfusion]

And I'll reply to your replies for clarification.

-I understand the "monologue about looks" thing, but I think describing him in a monologue is off-putting. It breaks the flow and feels more like a character profile, not a story. Avoiding Mary Sue traits is good, but going out of your way to say there's no Mary Sue traits is still awkward.

-Route 201 is not described in story and I do not happen to have a game map on hand regarding its appearance. I went by the information you gave. Specifically "Route 201" (very generic name in games. Route #) and "meadow".

-My point was actually more you're using a Victini. A Generation V legend. And making it your main character's pet. With no explanation at the time it would draw criticism (early on). You are perfectly allowed to do so, but it might not sit well with some people, who avoid stories that give their main characters legends, much less legends of a generation that was just released in Japan and therefore people are probably not familiar with. Worse is that Isshu explicitly is set away from Sinnoh, making the appearance more "what?" inducing. Beware the trap of Mary Sue traits.

-I can easily excuse the narrator saying "Jean" and while I don't think I'd call my friend's mom "Mum", I'd expect HIM to call her "Mum" or "Mom" when talking about her, if not outright "My mom". To have a character reference his own mother by her name is what my criticism is.

-Okay.

-You assume too much from readers. To expect every reader to know everything about Pokemon and characters, especially when mixing canon and non-canon aspects, is unfair. You seemed to expect me to know what Route 201 looks like using the very vivid description of "a meadow" and labeling it as Route 201, when in fact, it's evidently forested in some areas. Granted, my criticism was nitpicky, but the information you provide to a story is crucial if you don't want to confuse or alienate readers by forcing them to research minor aspects in order to read between the lines. I don't particularly recall what every route in the Pokemon games looks like, and I doubt everyone else will, either.

The same with character descriptions. NEVER describe a character by comparing them to another character who has not been described, especially if that character is a canon minor character, like Surge, who appeared only in the earliest anime episodes and briefly in-games. Regardless of whether readers should know the character or not, it's just not proper writing technique. There are times when you can reasonably expect someone to know something if they're fans of the source material (how to play Duel Monsters in a Yugioh fanfic, what 'Pokemon' refers to, and so on) and then times it's just not fair or proper to make that assumption (character descriptions, world descriptions, which vary based on author and source).

- In any case, my overall criticism about Surge's vagueness is because, as you admitted, you made a mistake with what the S.P.R.D. stands for. I can't be sure if it's police, military, vigilantes, etc. If you make a recruitment plea, it helps to tell people what they're signing up for. The military makes it clear you're training for combat. Police makes it clear you're training for law enforcement. Clubs tell you what the club is for and does, unless it's a cult, in which case they mislead you into thinking it's something else, but desirable. Surge gave no info in this sense, so if I saw his plea and didn't know what the SPRD is for (and I don't), I'd dismiss it.

[CDude]

9/10

one of the best fanfics ever.
But wats S.P.R.D?

[Mehmani]

The quote in your signature is fantastic by the way.

I am in the process of writing Chapter 2. Spoilers below:

[spoiler=WARNING! SPOILER APPROACHING!]
5th generation Pokemon have been moved to Sinnoh as part of a project to spread new species of Pokemon outside of their own regions. This has invoked opposition from the new villain team (Team Savior) who want to abide by tradition and keep regions as they are. And they will do ANYTHING to get what they want.[/spoiler]