Jump to content

Trio of DEF

Guest Fusion X. Denver

By Guest Fusion X. Denver
in Creative Writing

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 4.3k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

Guest Fusion X. Denver
Guest Fusion X. Denver

Read Trio of DEF here!   This was a story about my lovable YCM buddies and myself in a real-world setting and the wacky misadventures we went through. Some random members, even ones that may not hav

Guest Fusion X. Denver
Guest Fusion X. Denver

About Elfman, what else was I supposed to use from El >.> I got the name from Fairy Tail, I thought it was unique :/ Plus, it'd give him a reason to make people call him El and nothing else Abo

Lt. Colonel Remo
Lt. Colonel Remo

Hopefully not about but secks?

Fusion X. Denver Newbie

Fusion X. Denver

Posted
Posted

I dunno if 21 will be EPIC, but there's an unexpected twist somewhere and some comic relief.

As weird as this may sound, the premise in this chapter might be the most "normal" compared to most of the other chapters.

Ironic this is in Part 2 and not Part 1 >.>

EDIT: Just saw your PM Flandre.

I've noted your guesses about Mr. X, but I refuse to make any comment regarding them, that goes for everyone too.

Feel free to PM your guesses though, if you end up pegging it by the time his identity's revealed, you could win a prize >.>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
DL  Contributor

DL 

Posted
Posted

...Well I was writing a review for this, but my computer screwed up half-way.

 

So I'll do it again.

 

So it might not be as funny as it was at first.

 

[spoiler=And then there was 1]

 

Ragnarok was pacing his way through the base in search for his Tech Division Commander.

 

Sounds like Ragnarok is pacing his way through the base in a search because the Tech Division Commander told him to.

 

The word you might have been looking for is in search OF.

 

Saturn had just received an update on the Vongola situation and he knew they needed back up. He barged into the room that served as a temporary laboratory and yelled, "Creator, get over here, it's an emergency!" One of the men in white labcoats working on a red machine stopped torching the metal and lifted his mask. Beneath it lay the face of a sharpened face

 

From this moment on, I shall call him FACESHARPFACEMAN. Because it’s such a better name than Creator.

 

and wearied eyes masked by a pair of glasses.

 

Are we supposed to trust this omnipotent narrator that tells us Creator has a pair of wearied eyes masked by a pair of glasses? If we are using the same English language, masking is a synonym of hiding. Why should we believe the narrator telling us he has wearied eyes when we, and the other characters, cannot see them?

 

He sighed and placed his tools down and walked over to Ragnarok,

 

And then he picked up a book and began reading and he got bored and he closed it and he went to sleep. This sentence is awkward. Your sentence is awkward. Avoid using too many “and”s

 

"What is it this time?"

 

Since Ragnarok just gave him what seemed like an order, I’ll assume FACESHARPFACEMAN works under Ragnarok. If so, he is a very bad subordinate. No one says “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?” or the like to their superiors. Except, of course, FACESHARPFACEMAN, with his face of a sharpened face

 

"Just take a look at the report," Ragnarok said while handing Creator the clipboard he was holding. Creator skimmed the news for five seconds and sighed, handing the clipboard back.

 

FACESHARPFACEMAN: *reads for a few seconds* *gets bored* Screw it. *hands report back*

 

"That Fusion kid is becoming a pain in my ass. First the Flandre incident, then the deal with Xazeon, and now this? When was this Vongola formed anyhow?"

 

That sentence is really awkward. Try picturing someone during WWII saying “Damn Germany, it’s such a pain in the ass. When was it formed anyhow?”

 

It’s just a random question to ask, and he couldn’t possibly be curious, really, when his main focus in the sentence is “Fusion is a pain in the ass.”

 

Ragnarok answered, "They started off as a small group or gang, like the Fake Type Knights and the Akatsuki were, and now they're a faction. I think it was made official a few months ago, but I didn't pay much attention considering we probably have about hundreds of factions under the Banned.."

 

“And we don’t do any background checks at all on any of them. Heck, we don’t even know their names, because we all know there’s no chance at all one of them is a secret group sent to infiltrate us and destroy us from the inside.”

 

This basically makes Ragnarok THE worst leader EVER. Even worse than FACESHARPFACEMAN is at being a subordinate.

 

Creator scanned the member list, "Ah, so this was the group Katie and Zero mentioned joining.

 

Katie: So like, yeah, Creator, me and Zero joined the Vongola; it’s one of the factions allied with the banned.

FACESHARPFACEMAN: Cool

 

*a few days later*

 

FACESHARPFACEMAN: Vongolawut?

 

Well, since most of these Vongola are also my Fake Type Knights, I find it fair we send Fake Type Knights to help them out."

 

Okay, so we’ve established FACESHARPFACEMAN is a bad subordinate. But guess what? He sucks more as a leader, albeit not as much as Ragnarok. Or perhaps he is a genius of war tactics and army commanding, and the Vongola is a mere sacrificial pawn in his plans to destroy the Inactive. But, since he goes save them only because the Vongola and Fake Type Knights share members, I’ll just go with the assumption he sucks as a leader.

 

"Will you send the whole faction out? Need me to make any calls?"

 

Creator dialed his phone, "Nah, three will be enough. Since you've reminded me of Flandre, I've decided to use this opportunity to test his trustworthiness and send him out to battle. I'm sure Deustodo has purged his mind of any loyalty towards Donovyn now. He'll be enough to wipe out half their numbers and everyone else can take up the slack."

 

I would normally make a comment on how half of the enemy force isn’t really “picking up the slack”, but I suppose I can let it slide, all things considered (such as the mistakes that are about to come)

________________________________________________________________

Xazeon raced forward and sideswiped Dranzer with his left claw. Dranzer flew back a bit,

 

He never got hit with the claw.

 

but landed on his feet and shot at his attacker. Xazeon used his claw to block the incoming bullets, which caused them to ricochet around the room. "Dranzer, don't shoot in close quarters!" Chris yelled as a bullet nearly missed his head. Xazeon hadn't faltered and had appeared

 

TELEPORTATION

 

right in front of Chris while he was distracted. He shoved Chris back with his elbow and out the window. Um, yeah, this sucks. Chris thought as he tumbled to his death.

 

No

 

People do not think like that when they are about to die. They are either paralyzed with fear, or shock, or they are screaming.

 

No wait! I got my new gizmo from Tech Division! Acting quickly, Chris dug into his pants pocket and pulled out a silver bracelet containing several cartridges, a trigger handle, and a nozzle. With only seconds left before impact, Chris equipped the contraption to his wrist and tapped the trigger twice, resulting in a strand of silvery fluid being shot out of the nozzle and sticking to the wall. He swung into the building, but was able to brake with his feet and gain his balance on a nearby window ledge.

 

There is so much wrong with this (Spiderman reference aside)

 

Where to begin…

 

1. The fact he managed to strap on the gizmo bracelet contraption to his wrist so easily, and use it without hesitation makes me think he is quite familiar with it. Yet the fact he didn’t realize it was in his pocket until the last few seconds makes me think he isn’t familiar with it. Maybe it’s some complex contradiction that puts Chris’ personality in a deeper light, and shows his inner struggle. Or maybe I’m reading too deeply into it, and Fusion just messed up.

 

2. A few seconds pass by quite fast. I mean, how was Chris able to pull out his contraption, strap it on, activate it, and fly to safety in a few seconds? Is he a ninja?

 

3. Apparently he swung into the building, yet by braking with his feet, he suddenly appeared outside it on a nearby window ledge.

 

4. Sticky, silvery fluid.[/b]

 

"I'm okay!" Chris yelled above. But before he could climb back up, someone broke through the window in front of him and tackled him to the ground.

 

That person knew exactly where Chris would land with his device that he himself didn’t know he had until a few seconds before he hit the ground, and when he would land, and was there ready and waiting to tackle him from inside the building Chris had previously swung into.

 

Chris wasn't hurt too badly since he was only a story high, but he shoved his assailant off to get a good look at him. The figure was about a head shorter than he was, clad completely in tight, black clothing with a mask showing no holes or openings. "How do you even see out of that thing?" Chris asked him.

 

I’d think he’d question how the figure could breathe.

 

The opponent gave no response and pressed a button on some sort of switch from their pocket. Suddenly, an above window broke as a long object fell from it. The black, ninja-like enemy grabbed the giant staff in midair and twirled it around with impressive efficiency.

 

So it was a staff? I don’t know, the transition looks off. Also, the object never feel toward him, he just caught it in mid-air. So I’m going to assume he jumped really high to get it.

 

"Okay...not bad...but can you do this?" Chris took out his hammer and tried twirling it around like Cortez could do with nunchuks,

 

Not the same type of twirling, I assure you.

 

but it fell out of his hands and landed on his toe. He yelped, clutching his toe in pain as his opponent simply stood there, unsure of how to proceed.

 

His opponent is momentarily incapacitated, and he’s just going to stand there? Some ninja he is.

 

It was then that Chris gained his composure, "Okay, so I'm not all that, big whoop.

 

When I first read this I thought Chris actually called the ninja big whoop, so that’s what I’ll refer to him as from now on.

 

I'll still kick your can around!" He picked up his hammer and threw it at the ninja.

 

Hammers don’t work like that.

 

The ninja deflected the hammer with their staff

 

What

 

and ran forward until they jammed the pole into the ground.

 

By the way, so now it’s a group of ninja?

 

The ninja then used the momentum to vault himself

 

What happened to the group of ninjas?

 

over and kick Chris square in the face. Chris held his face in pain, but instinctively grabbed the enemy's ankle with his left hand and slammed them down. "Lights out dude."

 

I’m not surprised a bad ninja loses to a guy who can, after being kicked in the face grab a single one of his opponents’ ankles (there’s the team of ninja again.)

 

He punched downward at the ninja's head, but was interrupted by a swift kick to the gut. He stumbled back a bit as the ninja stood back and grabbed Chris' hammer. Chris saw what was happening and yelled, "Trap 4, Kasui!" Suddenly, the hammer's handle erupted in spikes, stabbing the enemy's left hand gripping the handle. They dropped it and grunted, trying to staunch the bleeding from the hammer's booby trap.

 

They He is so kind, to be trying to cleanse the blood from the hammer’s booby trap instead of the blood from his own hand. Too bad all he’ll probably get in return is a beating.

 

The trap gave Chris enough time to grab the now spike-free hammer and swing it in an arc, delivering a blow to the enemy's stomach, knocking the wind out of them. They flew back into the wall and remained still.

 

Called it.

 

Chris panted, "Geez, the Inactive are getting tougher. Who was this guy anyway?" Chris walked over and pulled the mysterious mask off, shocked at what he had found. He stared at an unconscious girl with vivid, red hair tied in a long, braided ponytail that now lined her back after being tied up inside the mask.

 

So he’s shocked his opponent is a girl? What, does he think only men are fit to be ninja, or in wars, and the like? I am forced to assume Chris is a sexist pig, as he seems to think the idea that women can be in a war is unthinkable.

 

"Uh...sh*t. That isn't good."

 

Neither are you, you sexist.

 

Chris looked around and laid her down on the ground gently. "Sorry about that, didn't know you were a girl."

 

Because it really matters. Now not only is he sexist, but he also has messed-up priorities.

 

He was about to run back inside, but saw the rest of the Vongola fighting in the nearby alleyway. D.L and Dranzer can take Xazeon...hopefully. These guys need my help more than they do.

 

___________________________________________________________________

D.L and Dranzer both dove out of the way as a snake lashed at them, baring its fangs. It crashed into the wall

 

Snakes don’t crash into walls

 

and slithered back to Xazeon, curling itself around his shoulders.

 

Not the least bit injured.

 

"Why the f*ck does he have a giant snake?" Dranzer asked D.L.

 

“Why the f*ck do you have guns while I’m stuck with CLAWS?” D.L. thought.

 

"Dude...it's like fighting Orochimaru," D.L replied. "The snake is a big problem, coming in here unexpectedly like that. We need to take that out first, or we're done."

 

Dranzer cocked his guns together so they combined into one contraption, "Just give me a minute for this Death Cannon."

 

"Stealing King's move, eh?" D.L laughed as he rushed forward at Xazeon.

 

Dashing forward at the guy with a deadly snake.

 

"B*tch, I made that move. Stupid Inactive taking my move...just watch after the charge time is up."

 

Awkward. Having him say “Wait until it’s done charging” or the like sounds eons more natural.

 

"As if I'll let you do that," Xazeon retorted as he threw some throwing knives at Dranzer.

 

He threw throwing knives? Inconceivable!

 

Using tossed might have been a better option.

 

Two of the three cut through Dranzer's sleeves, but only left shallow cuts.

 

Normally I’d go on a rant about how much Xazeon’s aim sucks, but considering this world’s setting, it’s still believable he’d miss with knives.

 

So instead I’ll rant about his stupidity for bringing weapons he doesn’t know how to use right. What, what he hoping to suddenly become good with them? Did he think he’d get lucky? Did he not think he would need to use them? If so, why did he bring them at all? Did he merely not take into account he sucked so bad he can only leave shallow cuts by throwing three knives, one of which misses, at a stationary and defenseless target? At this rate, even Big Whoop did better.

 

Dranzer didn't budge as he kept rapidly pulling the triggers to his guns while keeping the safety switch on. After the back of his gun indicated the blast was fully charged, he flipped the safety switch and aimed at Xazeon and the snake.

 

"MOVE D.L, IT'S GONNA BLOW!" He pressed the triggers, firing two enormous laser blasts the size of footballs at the boy and his snake. Xazeon grunted and barely dodged the blasts, but his left side was seared.

 

Then he didn’t dodge.

 

The flesh underneath his shirt was burning,

 

I’d never guess his left side being seared would lead to his left side burning. Thank you for clearing that up.

 

leaving D.L with the opportunity to stab Xazeon with a right uppercut. Xazeon suppressed a scream, but managed to grab D.L's wrist and pin him against the wall.

 

Okay, admittedly, Big Whoop couldn’t withstand a claw stab to the stomach and still manage to pin his opponent to the wall by merely grabbing one of his wrists.

 

"Eat him alive Hebi..."

 

"Real original name there," Dranzer said sarcastically

 

Is that really the time for a comment like that? And is that really the best insult he could come up with?

 

as he kicked Xazeon's right side away from D.L.

 

Just the right side? I suppose the left side that was burning turned to ashes.

 

Xazeon twirled around and jumped at Dranzer, "My sister named it, not me."

 

Xazeon: RAAAEGJUUUMPPP! My sister named it not me.

 

There is clearly something wrong with that.

 

The two began exchanging blows, but Xazeon had the upper hand and was able to subdue Dranzer into a full-nelson.

 

D.L grunted, "Hang on Dranzer," he dug into his pockets and threw three small spheres into the air, one blue, one green, the other red. "Feast your eyes on the return of my very first weapons!"

 

He considers three girls that agreed to be his friends for a day because he was bullied for dressing up as Sasuke his weapons? No wonder they hated him.

 

The three spheres began rotating and soon popped out to reveal mechanical limbs. The spheres' forms slimmed down until hovering there with beating wings were three robotic fairies.

 

And that’s all the description we have of them. THEY BE ROBOTIC FAIRIES K”

 

"Your eyes are distracting. Let me fix that!" The red fairy

 

AND ONE OF THEM BE RED TOO.

 

sped toward Xazeon's eyes with great swiftness and exerted a red powder into his eyes.

 

So he can deflect bullets with his claws, yet he is baffled when a robotic fairy flies at him? That’s one fast fairy.

 

Xazeon screamed and threw Dranzer back at D.L.

 

Which leads me to believe Dranzer is light enough to be thrown, or Xazeon is so ninja that even with claws on he can throw a kid toward another kid.

 

"We can win Dranzer, let's capture him and bring him back to HQ!" D.L yelled as the two of them charged to finish the job.

 

With Xazeon stabbed in the stomach, half of his left side singed, and his eyes hurting by power of the red powder, it would be disgraceful if D.L. and Dranzer didn’t win.

 

Damn it...the left side of my body and my eyes are stinging! This stab wound isn't helping either. Xazeon tenderly

 

And here is where I think a random adjective was just thrown in to spice up the sentence.

 

pressed his hand onto the flesh wound. It's time for a tactical retreat...but they won't escape alive. "Finish them Hebi." Xazeon muttered.

 

If you think your snake can kill them, and you only have them to deal with, there’s no need at all for a tactical retreat.

 

"Did we seriously forget the snake?"

 

”How could we forget the large snake that was attacking us a few seconds ago?!”

 

Dranzer said as he paused and turned to see the lashing creature. He aimed a gun at its mouth, but the monster already swallowed it and started working on Dranzer's arm, sinking its teeth into his flesh. Dranzer lost his grip inside the snake's slippery insides and began struggling to escape the inevitable amputation.

 

For those of you that don’t know, snakes either strangle their victims, or poison them. There’s no amputation of the limbs.

 

Oh, and the smart thing to do would use his OTHER gun, since the snake is at more than point-blank range, and kill it. But of course, this is the guy that thinks snakes bite people’s arms off, what did you expect?

 

D.L acted quickly and sent his blue sprite forward to strike at the snake. The point of impact

 

What impact?

 

No, the sprite never touched the snake.

 

suddenly froze, encasing the snake skin in ice. The creature quickly released Dranzer and slid away to escape further torment.

 

Mr.Snake: CURSES. A SMALL PORTION OF ICE. MY ONE WEAKNESS. *slithers away*

 

D.L sighed out of relief, but was frustrated that Xazeon had managed to escape during the commotion.

 

"Don't worry Dranzer...my Field Sprite comes with medical support, come here for a second."

 

Now, considering the size I pictured the sprites having, I’d say the only thing that can fit inside one is a band-aid or two.

______________________________________________________________________________

Sonic was running around, trying to slash at every black cloaked individual he came across.

 

[/b]Sonic: *slashes an ally who just happens to be wearing a black cloak* OOPS.

 

Oh, and there’s no ‘trying to slash at’. You either slash, or you don’t.[/b]

 

"Damn, why are there so many of them? Is this how they've been able to earn victories, through sheer numbers?"

 

I thought the Banned had about as many numbers? Why so surprised?

 

"Sonic, don't lose heart! We can beat these bastards back, just watch!" Zero yelled as he dodged another of Belphagor's wires. "And I've had just about enough of you, come here."

 

In my mind, he’s still talking to Sonic. Which makes him bipolar, most likely.

 

“DON’T LOSE HEART! WE CAN BEAT THEM! AND I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, COME OVER EHRE SO I CAN KILL YOU!”

 

Belphagor smirked, "This should be an easy fight, you always were a predictable little f*cker,"

 

Weren’t they already fighting? That makes me think he THOUGHT it would be an easy fight, but Zero is proving him wrong. But then he’s smirking. So he’s crazy.

 

he took out a particularly large knife

 

As opposed to just a large knife.

 

and lunged at Zero. Zero countered with the side of his Burai Blade, but the weapon was pushed back to a few inches from his face. He maintained the struggle of power for a few seconds and then let go of the blade with his left hand. As the knife and sword exited their clash, Belphagor swung his weapon down, slashing across Zero's face right beneath his right eye. However, Zero swung his sword horizontally at the same time and managed to make a shallow cut across Belphagor's gut.

 

He stood up and licked the blood flowing down his cheek, "That wasn't very nice Bel. Now I just look unseemly."

 

Belphagor laughed, "I doubt I made that much of a difference. Savor this moment, it'll be one of your last."

 

"Blah blah blah, your taunting bores me," Zero said in a monotone voice as he reached into his coat pocket. "Any of my friends who are around, get away!"

 

“Any civilians who are, please stay.”

 

"Don't tell me that idiot's actually using that?" Katie commented as she struck a man's head to the ground with her cane. "Zero you moron, that stuff will kill us too if you're not careful!"

 

And thus why he said to get away

 

"Relax, I've been practicing!" Zero shouted back as he put on layered black gloves. He then took out a gray blob of a weird type of goo.

 

A gray blob of a weird type of goo?

 

"What's with that, are you fighting with Silly Putty?"

 

No he’s fighting with a gray blob of a weird type of goo.

 

Belphagor asked.

 

"This substance was made by accident one day when the Tech Division was working on an alternate energy source. Creator didn't know what to do with it since dumping the stuff could have been hazardous, so he gave it to me."

 

FACESHARPFACEMAN is an idiot.

 

“Hmm….I don’t know what this is. I could analyze it thoroughly with a team of scientists. I could keep it locked up until we figure out if it’s hazardous. But no, I think I’ll give it to Zero! BRILLIANT!”

 

"Yeah, I bet he did..." Katie muttered.

 

Implying Zero stole it.

 

"So I fiddled around with the stuff and I discovered it had radioactive properties,

 

You don’t just fiddle around with some random substance and figure out it has radioactive properties. Unless, of course, you’re a genius with high technology at your disposal, a team of Big Whoops, or you somehow have experienced effects of said radioactivity. So I’ll just assume Zero is contaminated by radioactivity.

 

so I worked on that and learned how to reproduce it, thanks to Creator.

 

I hate FACESHARPFACEMAN. He is stupid. He leaves a radioactive gray blob of a weird type of goo in the hands of one of his subordinates instead of keeping is locked up away from people to, you know, prevent mass radioactive radiation?

 

But I could be mistaken. This could just be his secret plan to destroy the world by radioactive mutation. But I‘ll just assume he’s an idiot.

 

And in the end, I have the coolest secret weapon, Pha-"

 

"You talk a LOT," Belphagor said as he threw a knife into Zero's gut.

 

And that’s how Bel became my favorite character.

 

He took advantage of the momentary surprise

 

I’d think everyone would be surprised that someone interrupted their monologue by stabbing a knife in their gut.

 

and threw more knives attached to razor sharp wires around Zero. "Now you can't escape." he smirked.

 

Or he can cut the wires with his sword, but okay.

 

Zero glared at him, "You think so?" At that moment, Zero stepped forward, wincing as the wires cut into his skin.

 

Or you could cut the wires with your sword, but okay.

 

"Zero, don't move! You'll be sliced to ribbons!" Sonic yelled.

 

He made a dash for Belphagor, but Zero yelled, "Sonic, don't forget the Phazon!" Sonic faltered

 

I doubt he lost confidence, began to fail, or stumbled. This is the time one of the simple words like froze, or stopped can work better.

 

and shifted his focus on defense from more Inactive members.

 

Belphagor laughed hysterically, "That's priceless! The loser can't even accept help from his friends because of his own 'secret weapon.'

 

What

 

What makes you think a double-edged sword like that is worth it?

 

What

 

You're pathetic Zero, you're just a shadow of the Vongola,

 

What

 

destined to follow others and never shine!" Belphagor took out his last knife and threw it at Zero's face. His face turned to shock as Zero caught and broke the knife between his teeth.

 

WHAT

 

 

For starters, for all Bel knows, Zero could just be reminding Sonic of the gray blob of a weird type of goo because he knows it‘s enough to defeat Bel easily. He cannot just read Zero’s mind and assume that it can also damage his opponents. Same goes for the fact he cannot possibly know it’s a double-edged sword, since he’s never seen it, and only heard vague comments from the other Vongola that apparently have nothing better to do than examine Zero’s battle.

 

Secondly, what does he mean by Zero being a “Shadow of the Vongola”? Was that really the best he could come up with? That is about the most cliché insult, and even then, it doesn‘t even make sense in the context it‘s used! Bel just lost my respect. Shame on you, Bel.

 

And lastly: No.

 

You cannot catch knives with your teeth. You cannot break knives with your teeth. I don’t care who you are, it’s impossible.

 

So that never happened.

 

So I’ll just assume Bel sucks at throwing knives as much as Xazeon.

 

"Like I said before, your taunting bores me to tears,"

 

I agree.

 

he said as he lifted the Phazon in front of him. Suddenly, Belphagor's limbs and nerves grew weak and he collapsed onto the ground.

 

Note: nerves can’t grow weak.

 

"W-what is this feeling? I feel...drained."

 

Zero panted, "Just look at your back,"

 

Panted is not a simile for said, or any word that is usually used in conjunction with speech.

 

Belphagor shifted his gaze backward and saw Phazon latched onto his back.

 

He can sure twist his neck an awful lot.

 

Zero explained, "Phazon is a substance that's attracted to its own particles, like a magnet. I discarded some before our fight started during the chaos of your ambush to lay this trap. I made sure to keep it hidden

 

The chaos of ambushes surely gives people plenty of time to find a nice hiding spot for their radioactive goo.

 

so no one would find or be harmed by the radiation until I announced I was going to use it and brought out the Phazon in my coat.

 

Radiation affects everything near it, regardless if people can see it or not.

 

Right about now, your body should be suffering from radiation poisoning and other numerous side effects."

 

Radiation doesn’t weaken nerves in the span of a fight.

 

He smiled and let out, "Sorry guys, but I think I'm gonna crash for a bit!" He fell to his knees and keeled over,

 

“Fell” is so overrated.

 

slipping into unconsciousness.

 

"Zero!" Everyone turned to see Chris rushing in onto the scene. "Dude, are you alright?"

 

"He'll be fine Chris, Zero managed to take out the traitor,"

 

Doesn’t mean he’ll be fine.

 

Sonic said, pointing to the unconscious Belphagor. "Where's D.L and Dranzer?"

 

"They're still fighting Xazeon, I think they'll be fine," Chris said as he unleashed his hammer.

 

Why would he unleash his hammer?

 

"How are we doing over here?"

 

"Let's go help Katie, she's in a tight corner right now!" Sonic yelled as he ran to his friend. Katie was surrounded by a big group of baddies

 

What makes them so bad? Are we supposed to just sympathize with Katie simply because she’s outnumbered, and female? When her group is the one that went there willingly for a chance to ambush the Inactive?

 

who were almost on her. Sonic and Chris feared she'd be done for before they made it, but suddenly noticed a red dust being sprinkled onto the group. A boy rushed into the group and took Katie with him, throwing back a match. He stood tall above Katie and smiled at the two.

 

"Hey there Fuse, been a while," smirking as the red dust engulfed into an inferno behind him, engulfing all of the Inactive members in fire.

 

One, mind repeating the word engulfed more, I don’t quite got it memorized.

 

Two, You forgot “he said” or the like after the guy’s dialogue.

 

Three, he smiled at the two? I’ll just assume there is Kailyn, and mini-Kailyn perched on her shoulder.

 

"Chase! What are you doing here?" Chris asked.

 

What? Chase? Why does he have red dust too? Is this a new weapon going around in this time period?

 

"Creator looking out for your butt again, he said it's getting old,"

 

Chase replied as he looked behind him. "I have company too." Two figures leaped down from the low rooftop above the alley and faced the group.

 

DRAMATIC ENTRANCE

 

"You remember Deus and Flandre, right?"

 

Chris stared at Flandre, "What are you doing out?"

 

Deus replied, "Relax Fusion, Flandre won't harm you any more. Right now, he's on our side, trust me."

 

Just right now? RUN FUSE, RUN

 

He heard yells behind him and saw more Inactive swarming toward the group.

 

How many of these guys are there…?

 

"I'll take out the first wave then."

 

Apparently a LOT

 

He turned to the onslaught and tapped his left temple, closing his right eye. His left eyeball swerved around and revealed cybernetic components forming a hole with light behind it. Suddenly, the eye shot forth a thin laser that penetrated several of the members straight through their flesh. They collapsed onto the ground dead,

 

[/b]They wouldn’t die that fast unless the laser shot them ALL straight through a very vital point.[/b]

 

leaving the survivors trembling in fear. The eye swerved back, "This thing needs to get rid of the minute charge time..."

 

Way to give away your eye’s weakness to the enemy, which is trembling in fear because of said eye.

 

More members charged at the group in sheer rage, quickly overcoming their fears for the sake of victory.

 

Or because they now know they eye has a minute charge time.

 

The Vongola and FTK members ran forth and began confronting their assailants. Flandre began whipping around his newly refined cybernetic limbs and beat the crap out of most of the enemies in one blow.

 

Implying he literally, with one blow, wiped out most of the enemy force.

 

Even when he felt slightly pressured, he shook off the feeling by brandishing his iron wands. "Dang Deus, Creator was making it sound like this was something hard or whatever, but all I'm feeling is an easy breeze."

 

No one talks like that unless they’re in a crappy dub anime.

 

Deus smirked and took out a shiny looking gun that gleamed like a diamond, "Guys, back up." He cocked the shotgun, took aim at yet another incoming group, and shot it. A laser blast flew out and blew up its targets, only leaving a steady stream of smoke from the cap, soon blown away by Deus. "I love this gun."

 

Sonic stared in awe, "So these are the renowned Fake Type Knights...no wonder you guys are considered one of the leading factions..."

 

Even if their leader, FACESHARPFACEMAN, sucks.

 

But more seriously, he hasn’t seen one of the biggest allies of the Banned fight yet? Seriously?

 

"What'd you expect?" Chase cockily replied as he unleashed flames from his flamethrower. "Out of all the Banned, we're the best and most memorable among the factions."

 

Someone has a big ego

 

He finished his assault and stood back to admire the handiwork,

 

People don’t normally stand back to admire the fact they killed/injured/otherwise incapacitated a horde of enemies.

 

"Well guys, what do you think?"

 

The Vongola could only stare at the sea of bodies in the alleyway, stunned at the sight and smell of burning flesh, blood and gas. Katie walked up to Chase and bonked him on the head, "What the hell? You guys hogged all the a*s-kicking!"

 

Which she could have readily joined after Chase rescued her.

 

Chase rubbed his head," That hurt...but you guys seemed alright before we came, considering the circumstances.

 

Except for Katie, that was sorrounding by ‘baddies’.

 

How'd this happen anyway?"

 

Sonic shook his head, "Belphagor Pi, one of our members, betrayed us to the Inactive. I never would have thought a Vongola Guardian would do such a thing though..."

 

Maybe it’s because Ragnarok doesn’t do any background checks on the members either.

 

Chase looked at the sad leader

 

He was betrayed by one of his comrades, and almost killed. I would have never guess he was sad, thank you for explicitly stating to us he is sad.

 

and thought for a minute, "You guys are short a member right? Mind if I join?"

 

Sonic's face brightened,

 

Bipolar.

 

"Oh of course! You're in!"

 

"Sweet," Chase replied. "Well, I guess we should all head back to Rag, he'll want a full report." The group trudged along except for Chris and Deus.

 

At least HE reads reports, instead of just skimming through them for five seconds like FACESHARPFACEMAN.

 

Chris said, "I'll just go get D.L and Dranzer, I think they're okay. We'll catch up." He rounded the corner to enter the door leading in, but noticed the girl he fought had disappeared.

 

He just let the enemy get away with information about his fighting style.

 

Did someone fetch her, or did she wake up? Who was she...

 

Deus said, "Flandre went off, something about losing his wand. I'm responsible for him, so I'll meet up with you later too." Everyone dispersed, leaving Deus in the alleyway to begin his search for Flandre.

 

The “for Flandre” was unnecessary.

 

He soon saw him standing alone in an adjacent street, just staring at something blankly. "Flandre, did you find your wand? We need to g-" He stopped and turned to see the incredible sight. In the street was another sea of bodies, just as big as the amount of Inactive members in the alleyway, all surrounding a shadowy figure.

 

Considering you just saw a sea of bodies, it’s not that incredible.

 

He turned and saw Deus and Flandre looking at him. He then noticed the city folk watching in fear from their apartments and windows, and decided to vacate the scene through an alleyway. That guy was...

 

Deus' thoughts were interrupted by Flandre, "Deus, that guy seemed familiar to me. Like...I know him from somewhere." Deus' eyes widened back at his companion, unbelieving of his words. Did he just have a memory lapse? This hasn't happened in the time we found him and had him rehabilitated...I need to talk to Creator.

 

"We better get back Flandre, I don't feel like explaining this to the cops."

 

It’s funny because we suddenly switched to Deus’ point of view in 3rd person, to 1st person for a second.

________________________________________________________________________

El and Rui snuggled next to one another on Rui's living room couch. Rogue was still up and brought the two some hot chocolate,

 

Most people don’t like to be interrupted by hot chocolate when snuggling.

 

"I'm glad you finally asked Rui out El, I'm so happy for you two!"

 

El flinched, "Was I that obvious?"

 

Rogue laughed, only to be shushed by Rui, "Don't wake Daddy up, he might not like El dating me..."

 

"Feh, that old man needs to realize you're too good a catch! I'll get on his good side." El stated confidently.

 

Rui giggled and kissed him on the cheek, "Oh El, Christmas is in two days! You want to do something that night?"

 

Perfect way to get “Daddy” to accept your relationship: Get pregnant during Christmas.

 

He turned and stroked her cheek, "I can't think of a better Christmas than spending the day with you."

 

Have you always been this mushy?

 

Rui blushed, "Man, have you always been this mushy?"

 

Hey, I‘m the one making fun of this fic! Go away, you sorry excuse for a Tsundere!

 

El blushed even more, "Oh, well uh, I'm sorry, I didn't mea-"

 

Rogue interrupted him with her laughter, "You two are so CUTE!" A loud snore was heard from upstairs, silencing the trio in hopes of remaining uncaught.

 

That is one loud snore, if they heard it downstairs, while someone was talking…

 

Rui whispered, "Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we do a double date?"

 

El's templed throbbed.

 

Fusion, Fusion, Fusion

 

Your spelling and grammar were great (for the most part) up until this point. But then you go and ruin it. It may seem nitpicky, but this means that you didn’t even bother to run this through MSWord’s spellchecker. And if you did, you got bored mid-way and just said “screw it”. This is a mistake spellchecking would have picked up.

 

I despise that idea with a burning passion! I must handle this cautiously... "Ah Rui, that's a good idea, but shouldn't that wait until we get more comfortable with each other?"

 

There is so much awkwardness flowing from this sentence.

 

"El, we've been best buddies for a year, I'm as comfortable as I could get," Rui said matter-of-factly. "My friend Rosa has been single for a while, I think I'll bring her. But that means we need to set her up with one of your friends."

 

Wait, so there’s no other couple yet to go with them? Why would she go through this trouble just to go on a double date?

 

Oh dear God... El was beginning to feel nauseous.

 

Why does this shift to first person so often, then back?

 

Stop doing that.

 

"Uh, I don't know Rui, my friends are kinda-"

 

"El, I know all your friends, I'm just trying to think of who would be good for her. What about D.L?" she turned to Rogue.

 

Why would she turn to Rogue? She’s asking about El’s friend. Ask El.

 

"I don't know, I think D.L really has his heart set on that Kari girl. You know, Aqua's sister?"

 

"Oh right, her..." Rui muttered. "Why's he crushing on an Inactive in the first place?"

 

"It's a very long story," El moaned. "I don't know Rui, I guess a double date wouldn-"

 

"What about Fusion then?" Rui asked Rogue.

 

And thus El’s templed throbbed.

 

She beamed, "Oh their personalities would have good chemistry! Fusion is single, right?"

 

No way they'll believe he has a girlfriend right now...sh*t. "Uh...yeah, he's single."

 

Stop switching to first person.

 

You know, it could just be that you copy-pasted this directly from the page, so it didn‘t have coding before that. ;P

 

……….Go away

 

"That settles it, we'll spend the night with Chris and Rosa! Oh this is gonna be fun!" Rui said glomping El.

 

I don’t think you can glomp people when you’re already sitting next to them x3 Altho it would be fun.

 

*beats away* THIS IS MY REVIEW. AWAY WITH YOU.

 

There is no God...

________________________________________________________________________________

The Fake Type Knights and Vongola left the meeting room after giving their report. "Fuse, can I crash at your place tonight? I don't want to explain to my parents what I went through tonight," D.L said tiredly.

 

"Yeah sure, just be glad my folks are outta town. Dranzer, is Akatsuki meeting up tomorrow?"

 

"Tomorrow's Christmas Eve dude," Dranzer replied. "You'd think you'd know these things since you're our leader."

 

And since he is, he asked to be reminded if there was such a meeting, since as a leader he must be busy, but Dranzer simply replies with an inordinate response, that questions his superior’s intelligence. I think we got a contender for worst subordinate, next to FACESHARPFACEMAN.

 

Chris' eyes widened, "You're right, I completely forgot! Great, now I gotta spend my entire day gift-shopping tomorrow..."

 

You forgot about Christmas?

 

Wait, Christmas is still celebrated, with the world as it is?

 

…okay, why not, right?

 

D.L laughed, "It's alright, you can spend Christmas at my house, my family's grown onto you by now."

 

…That sounds awkward. Maybe grown to like you would be better.

 

Chris sighed, "Sucks how I couldn't go with my family to the Bahamas...but that sounds fun." Soon, the room was evacuated except for Creator and Deus.

 

"Creator, Flandre remembered something tonight." Creator whipped around, his attention fully set on Deus.

 

I would think he would reserve the shock reaction for AFTER Deus told him what Flandre remembered.

 

He continued, "The footage showing the shadowed guy who wiped out that Inactive platoon seemed familiar to him. I don't think he's with the Inactive, unless he's a spy that betrayed them or something. He might know something about Life though."

 

What makes you say that?

 

"What makes you say that?"

 

Dammit, stop stealing my review!

 

"Well for one thing, our suspicion surrounding Flandre's accident was that he was attacked by the Inactive, so if Flandre's memory was triggered by that man, maybe he had something to do with that.

 

That’s pretty unstable logic…

 

And also, I think I met that man before, who I'll now refer to as Mr. X."

 

And I suppose we get no further information about him, or his appearance for that matter.

 

Creator's eyes narrowed, "When was this?"

 

"One year ago back with Pikachu, I was helping my friend Ben recover the blood of a strong warrior. After the fight ended, we encountered a man in an alleyway who seemed to have met with Donovyn. I didn't hear their conversation, but the fact they were on speaking terms leads to the question of a possible connection with the Inactive."

 

If you didn’t hear their conversation, they don’t necessarily need to be in speaking terms.

 

Creator thought for a minute, "You know, you should be mentioning these things to me, not keeping them secret you incompetent fool."

 

"My bad, I forgot until now,"

 

 

 

He didn’t

 

 

Deus replied. "But what do you think?"

 

"Are you absolutely sure this is the same person?"

 

"Not absolutely,

 

“Because all I saw was that he was a shadowy figure who seemed to be able to kill many people.”

 

but the guy back then enticed Ben into taking his blood, and Ben was determined to only take the blood of the strongest man he could find. Plus, this guy had the same feel to him, I think they're the same."

 

Creator walked in front of Deus, "In that case, we need to focus on recovering Flandre's memories as well as searching for this 'Mr. X'. Hopefully we'll pick up a lead and then uncover a connection to Donovyn, or even Life."

 

Suddenly, Saturn barged in, "Is Ragnarok here?"

 

"No, why?" Creator asked with concern.

 

he’s probably sucking as a leader somewhere.

 

"There's a riot at Yugo Prison! It seems as if all former members of Club Pikachu are making an escape!"

 

Don’t rely on Ragnarok and FACESHARPFACEMAN you fool! They suck!

 

 

 

All in all, that was a good chapter, aside from many discrepancies and errors.

 

I did enjoy it, however there were many moments where I wished to fall asleep, or even slit my wrists (face of a sharpened face)

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Big Bad Pennar Newbie

Big Bad Pennar

Posted
Posted

The Vongola and FTK members ran forth and began confronting their assailants. Flandre began whipping around his newly refined cybernetic limbs and beat the crap out of most of the enemies in one blow.

 

Implying he literally, with one blow, wiped out most of the enemy force.

 

oh trust me, Sometimes When I RP, I often exert that much Power, so he has that right on track

 

Even when he felt slightly pressured, he shook off the feeling by brandishing his iron wands. "Dang Deus, Creator was making it sound like this was something hard or whatever, but all I'm feeling is an easy breeze."

 

No one talks like that unless they’re in a crappy dub anime.

 

Why do you think i LOL'd

 

He finished his assault and stood back to admire the handiwork,

 

People don’t normally stand back to admire the fact they killed/injured/otherwise incapacitated a horde of enemies.

 

Chase could be training to be a Cereal Killer

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Fusion X. Denver Newbie

Fusion X. Denver

Posted
Posted

Crap, your coding got messed up...

That's my excuse for the late reply >.>

...Well I was writing a review for this, but my computer screwed up half-way.

 

So I'll do it again.

 

So it might not be as funny as it was at first.

 

[spoiler=And then there was 1]

Sounds like Ragnarok is pacing his way through the base in a search because the Tech Division Commander told him to.

 

The word you might have been looking for is in search OF.

 

I guess, but since I've established Rag as the leader of the Banned, I don't think anyone would think the Tech Division Commander is his superior.

 

Are we supposed to trust this omnipotent narrator that tells us Creator has a pair of wearied eyes masked by a pair of glasses? If we are using the same English language, masking is a synonym of hiding. Why should we believe the narrator telling us he has wearied eyes when we, and the other characters, cannot see them?

 

...I was going for descriptive writing, but yeah, I could have picked a better word.

 

And then he picked up a book and began reading and he got bored and he closed it and he went to sleep. This sentence is awkward. Your sentence is awkward. Avoid using too many “and”s

 

Eesh, it's only 2, but I see your point.

 

Since Ragnarok just gave him what seemed like an order, I’ll assume FACESHARPFACEMAN works under Ragnarok. If so, he is a very bad subordinate. No one says “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?” or the like to their superiors. Except, of course, FACESHARPFACEMAN, with his face of a sharpened face

 

Look, the sharpened thing was my way of conveying how Creator's been affected by the past year. His features are more refined from working and eating less. As for the other thing, I suppose that's a fair interpretation, but in times where the world is suppressed under a dictatorship, Creator's likely to assume any news is bad news unless the deliverer looks happy, so it's not mouthing off to his superior, it's just anticipating bad news.

 

That sentence is really awkward. Try picturing someone during WWII saying “Damn Germany, it’s such a pain in the ass. When was it formed anyhow?”

 

It’s just a random question to ask, and he couldn’t possibly be curious, really, when his main focus in the sentence is “Fusion is a pain in the ass.”

 

The focus on Fusion was obviously rhetorical, since I doubt Ragnarok will answer his question there. Thus, he turns to the Vongola, consider the Fusion thing an aside.

 

“And we don’t do any background checks at all on any of them. Heck, we don’t even know their names, because we all know there’s no chance at all one of them is a secret group sent to infiltrate us and destroy us from the inside.”

 

This basically makes Ragnarok THE worst leader EVER. Even worse than FACESHARPFACEMAN is at being a subordinate.

 

Why are you under the impression Ragnarok is the only one who does these duties? Being the leader of a huge organization means he has people do these things for him, he doesn't know about every new faction inside and out.

 

Creator scanned the member list, "Ah, so this was the group Katie and Zero mentioned joining.

 

Katie: So like, yeah, Creator, me and Zero joined the Vongola; it’s one of the factions allied with the banned.

FACESHARPFACEMAN: Cool

 

*a few days later*

 

FACESHARPFACEMAN: Vongolawut?

 

He's a hardworking man, the little things will slip his mind sometimes .-.

 

Well, since most of these Vongola are also my Fake Type Knights, I find it fair we send Fake Type Knights to help them out."

 

Okay, so we’ve established FACESHARPFACEMAN is a bad subordinate. But guess what? He sucks more as a leader, albeit not as much as Ragnarok. Or perhaps he is a genius of war tactics and army commanding, and the Vongola is a mere sacrificial pawn in his plans to destroy the Inactive. But, since he goes save them only because the Vongola and Fake Type Knights share members, I’ll just go with the assumption he sucks as a leader.

 

No.

He is saying that the back-up that's being deployed should be his Fake-Type Knights. He's not only saving them because they're his friends, there is no question on whether to send back-up or not. Creator just decided he should send some FTK to help other FTKers as the back-up since no one was selected yet.

 

I would normally make a comment on how half of the enemy force isn’t really “picking up the slack”, but I suppose I can let it slide, all things considered (such as the mistakes that are about to come)

 

Right...

 

He never got hit with the claw.

 

Yes he did, that's why he flew back. I said he was sideswiped, so I didn't see the need to say "Dranzer was hit and flew..."

 

No

 

People do not think like that when they are about to die. They are either paralyzed with fear, or shock, or they are screaming.

 

From what you've seen anyway >.>

 

No wait! I got my new gizmo from Tech Division! Acting quickly, Chris dug into his pants pocket and pulled out a silver bracelet containing several cartridges, a trigger handle, and a nozzle. With only seconds left before impact, Chris equipped the contraption to his wrist and tapped the trigger twice, resulting in a strand of silvery fluid being shot out of the nozzle and sticking to the wall. He swung into the building, but was able to brake with his feet and gain his balance on a nearby window ledge.

 

There is so much wrong with this (Spiderman reference aside)

 

Hey, there's nothing wrong with that >__>

 

Where to begin…

 

1. The fact he managed to strap on the gizmo bracelet contraption to his wrist so easily, and use it without hesitation makes me think he is quite familiar with it. Yet the fact he didn’t realize it was in his pocket until the last few seconds makes me think he isn’t familiar with it. Maybe it’s some complex contradiction that puts Chris’ personality in a deeper light, and shows his inner struggle. Or maybe I’m reading too deeply into it, and Fusion just messed up.[/b]

 

When you're falling for your life, you might be too focused on your inevitable death rather than what's in your pockets. At first anyway.

 

2. A few seconds pass by quite fast. I mean, how was Chris able to pull out his contraption, strap it on, activate it, and fly to safety in a few seconds? Is he a ninja?

Did his title as a Sannin give it away? It's easy to strap on and use, not that hard.

 

3. Apparently he swung into the building, yet by braking with his feet, he suddenly appeared outside it on a nearby window ledge.

 

He actually only landed on the wall, he never went directly inside. I could see how you might have misinterpreted that, but I've seen plenty of expressions like "he crashed into the wall" where he didn't actually go through the wall, he just hit it. So I personally think that part's fine.

4. Sticky, silvery fluid.

Shut up -.-

 

That person knew exactly where Chris would land with his device that he himself didn’t know he had until a few seconds before he hit the ground, and when he would land, and was there ready and waiting to tackle him from inside the building Chris had previously swung into.

 

You make it sound like coincidences can't occur in stories.

 

I’d think he’d question how the figure could breathe.

 

No, plenty of people wear tight masks like that and breathe just fine. Spider-Man is an example.

 

So it was a staff? I don’t know, the transition looks off. Also, the object never feel toward him, he just caught it in mid-air. So I’m going to assume he jumped really high to get it.

 

I disagree, saying it fell meant it was falling downward (since I never mentioned anything about defying the laws of physics here) and "grabbed the giant staff in mid-air" means he did jump up to grab it, so that assumption's correct.

 

His opponent is momentarily incapacitated, and he’s just going to stand there? Some ninja he is.

 

Think of him what you will, but I'd probably stop and stare at the hilarity too .__.

 

Hammers don’t work like that.

 

This one does.

 

By the way, so now it’s a group of ninja?

 

Alright, this is my bad. I was trying to keep her gender anonymous by using "they" since I thought it could be applied to a single person (this might sound derp, but I wrote this at night), no excuse here :/

 

I’m not surprised a bad ninja loses to a guy who can, after being kicked in the face grab a single one of his opponents’ ankles (there’s the team of ninja again.)

 

Think I made it clear Chris got tougher in the past year. He even stopped rubbing his stubbed toe <.<

 

They He is so kind, to be trying to cleanse the blood from the hammer’s booby trap instead of the blood from his own hand. Too bad all he’ll probably get in return is a beating.

 

Could have just said "put 'caused by' in place of 'from the' " but whatever..

 

So he’s shocked his opponent is a girl? What, does he think only men are fit to be ninja, or in wars, and the like? I am forced to assume Chris is a sexist pig, as he seems to think the idea that women can be in a war is unthinkable.

 

You're not forced at all, you would have thought it was a guy too -.-

 

Neither are you, you sexist.

 

-__-

 

Because it really matters. Now not only is he sexist, but he also has messed-up priorities.

 

He's a gentlemen that doesn't like hitting girls, and he just found out he beat up one. There's nothing messed up about his priorities.

 

Snakes don’t crash into walls

 

This one does, strong jaws. You'll see more of that later on.

 

Not the least bit injured.

 

Strong jaws. Again, you'll see more of that.

 

“Why the f*ck do you have guns while I’m stuck with CLAWS?” D.L. thought.

 

Get over it DL, you use claws in the fic. I didn't object to you revamping Fuuta's awesome power set into what it is now (or didn't press the issue further anyway).

 

Dashing forward at the guy with a deadly snake.

 

You've done worse, believe me.

 

Awkward. Having him say “Wait until it’s done charging” or the like sounds eons more natural.

 

Eh...okay.

 

He threw throwing knives? Inconceivable!

 

Using tossed might have been a better option.

 

Probably right.

 

Normally I’d go on a rant about how much Xazeon’s aim sucks, but considering this world’s setting, it’s still believable he’d miss with knives.

 

So instead I’ll rant about his stupidity for bringing weapons he doesn’t know how to use right. What, what he hoping to suddenly become good with them? Did he think he’d get lucky? Did he not think he would need to use them? If so, why did he bring them at all? Did he merely not take into account he sucked so bad he can only leave shallow cuts by throwing three knives, one of which misses, at a stationary and defenseless target? At this rate, even Big Whoop did better.

 

So he made a bad move. You have a problem with the bad guy making mistakes in a fight? Not everyone can be a perfect villain who executes all his/her attacks flawlessly DL.

Gosh.

 

Then he didn’t dodge.

 

...Dodged most of it >.>

 

I’d never guess his left side being seared would lead to his left side burning. Thank you for clearing that up.

 

You're welcome.

 

Is that really the time for a comment like that? And is that really the best insult he could come up with?

 

It is for Dranzer and no, that was the best insult I could come up with. If you could call it an insult .__.

 

Just the right side? I suppose the left side that was burning turned to ashes.

 

I was saying he attacked from the right. If you mean why he didn't attack the left, it's because he was positioned closer to the right side, so he attacked there.

 

Xazeon: RAAAEGJUUUMPPP! My sister named it not me.

 

There is clearly something wrong with that.

 

What's wrong?

 

He considers three girls that agreed to be his friends for a day because he was bullied for dressing up as Sasuke his weapons? No wonder they hated him.

 

*bonks DL*

You don't remember the awesomeness of chapter 2? The one you praised? How could you forget the time you chased away those muggers with the sprites Creator gave to you?!

SHAME SHAME DL!

 

And that’s all the description we have of them. THEY BE ROBOTIC FAIRIES K”

 

Eh...they also have wings a-

*shot*

 

AND ONE OF THEM BE RED TOO.

 

OH YUS IT IS!

 

So he can deflect bullets with his claws, yet he is baffled when a robotic fairy flies at him? That’s one fast fairy.

 

You seem to be forgetting Xazeon has a stab wound in his chest and burning flesh on his left side. In other words, reaction time's slowed. A lot.

 

Which leads me to believe Dranzer is light enough to be thrown, or Xazeon is so ninja that even with claws on he can throw a kid toward another kid.

 

Xazeon's strong .-.

 

With Xazeon stabbed in the stomach, half of his left side singed, and his eyes hurting by power of the red powder, it would be disgraceful if D.L. and Dranzer didn’t win.

 

It sure would :3

 

And here is where I think a random adjective was just thrown in to spice up the sentence.

 

You're saying you wouldn't be careful about touching a burn? I would be tender about that.

 

If you think your snake can kill them, and you only have them to deal with, there’s no need at all for a tactical retreat.

 

Well, since there's two of them, there's a chance one of them could keep the snake busy and the other would go after him. So being wary of that scenario, there is a need.

 

”How could we forget the large snake that was attacking us a few seconds ago?!”

 

Derp moment for you two.

 

For those of you that don’t know, snakes either strangle their victims, or poison them. There’s no amputation of the limbs.

 

Oh, and the smart thing to do would use his OTHER gun, since the snake is at more than point-blank range, and kill it. But of course, this is the guy that thinks snakes bite people’s arms off, what did you expect?

 

Ah true, true, the snake wouldn't bite his arm off. But to be fair, he wouldn't be able to use his other gun because he's either too blinded by pain or the venom will have taken its course and paralyzed him.

 

D.L acted quickly and sent his blue sprite forward to strike at the snake. The point of impact

 

What impact?

 

No, the sprite never touched the snake.

 

That was me telling the reader the sprite hit the snake, thought I wouldn't need to say it hit.

Guess I thought wrong?

 

Mr.Snake: CURSES. A SMALL PORTION OF ICE. MY ONE WEAKNESS. *slithers away*

 

Reptiles are vulnerable to the cold, that's why they're found in hot and humid climates. The sprite FROZE a part of its body, meaning it heavily affected the snake. It couldn't continue because that ice affected its inner temperature by rapidly decreasing it.

 

Now, considering the size I pictured the sprites having, I’d say the only thing that can fit inside one is a band-aid or two.

 

Minor spoiler wouldn't hurt I guess.

Medical support=green dust.

Don't ask me to specify, it'll be clarified in a future chapter.

 

[/b]Sonic: *slashes an ally who just happens to be wearing a black cloak* OOPS.

 

Oh, and there’s no ‘trying to slash at’. You either slash, or you don’t.[/b]

 

First thing: none of the Vongola are wearing black cloaks, or else I'd have worded that differently.

Second thing: My way of saying sometimes he hit, other times he missed.

 

I thought the Banned had about as many numbers? Why so surprised?

 

It's Sonic Good point.

 

In my mind, he’s still talking to Sonic. Which makes him bipolar, most likely.

 

“DON’T LOSE HEART! WE CAN BEAT THEM! AND I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, COME OVER EHRE SO I CAN KILL YOU!”

 

No, I think it'd be made clear that he would be talking to the guy who just threw razor sharp wires at him. I'm sure no one else thought that (feel free to prove me wrong)

 

Weren’t they already fighting? That makes me think he THOUGHT it would be an easy fight, but Zero is proving him wrong. But then he’s smirking. So he’s crazy.

 

Fight barely started.

 

As opposed to just a large knife.

 

Yes.

 

“Any civilians who are, please stay.”

 

I never said civilians were around, why assume they're there?

 

And thus why he said to get away

 

It's still risky, but I suppose not so risky, so I guess good point, but can't blame her for objecting either.

 

"Relax, I've been practicing!" Zero shouted back as he put on layered black gloves. He then took out a gray blob of a weird type of goo.

 

A gray blob of a weird type of goo?

 

Oh I see, you're thinking goo can't be a blob.

It's a weird type of gray goo that's solid enough to be collected into a blob.

 

No he’s fighting with a gray blob of a weird type of goo.

 

I've seen gray Silly Putty before .-.

 

"This substance was made by accident one day when the Tech Division was working on an alternate energy source. Creator didn't know what to do with it since dumping the stuff could have been hazardous, so he gave it to me."

 

FACESHARPFACEMAN is an idiot.

 

“Hmm….I don’t know what this is. I could analyze it thoroughly with a team of scientists. I could keep it locked up until we figure out if it’s hazardous. But no, I think I’ll give it to Zero! BRILLIANT!”

 

Well...shoot. I'll admit I goofed here, but it's believable that Zero could have asked for it and Creator would oblige as long as Zero was careful with it.

Might write that in if that's alright with you guys...

 

Implying Zero stole it.

 

Implying Creator wouldn't mind giving him something dangerous as opposed to other people.

 

You don’t just fiddle around with some random substance and figure out it has radioactive properties. Unless, of course, you’re a genius with high technology at your disposal, a team of Big Whoops, or you somehow have experienced effects of said radioactivity. So I’ll just assume Zero is contaminated by radioactivity.

 

I didn't specify what kind of fiddling he did though, so he could have done any of those things. So yeah, you do that assuming.

 

I hate FACESHARPFACEMAN. He is stupid. He leaves a radioactive gray blob of a weird type of goo in the hands of one of his subordinates instead of keeping is locked up away from people to, you know, prevent mass radioactive radiation?

 

But I could be mistaken. This could just be his secret plan to destroy the world by radioactive mutation. But I‘ll just assume he’s an idiot.

 

Zero discovers effective usage in combat.

Creator ensures he knows how to use it.

Zero has dangerous new toy that he must be careful with or he's in big trouble.

 

I’d think everyone would be surprised that someone interrupted their monologue by stabbing a knife in their gut.

 

Exactly.

 

Or he can cut the wires with his sword, but okay.

 

No he can't, back in the fight with Pichu, Bel stated not even a grenade could break those wires. That doesn't mean they can't be moved though, since Zero walked through them, just that they can't be destroyed or cut easily.

 

I doubt he lost confidence, began to fail, or stumbled. This is the time one of the simple words like froze, or stopped can work better.

 

K.

 

For starters, for all Bel knows, Zero could just be reminding Sonic of the gray blob of a weird type of goo because he knows it‘s enough to defeat Bel easily. He cannot just read Zero’s mind and assume that it can also damage his opponents. Same goes for the fact he cannot possibly know it’s a double-edged sword, since he’s never seen it, and only heard vague comments from the other Vongola that apparently have nothing better to do than examine Zero’s battle.

 

Secondly, what does he mean by Zero being a “Shadow of the Vongola”? Was that really the best he could come up with? That is about the most cliché insult, and even then, it doesn‘t even make sense in the context it‘s used! Bel just lost my respect. Shame on you, Bel.

 

And lastly: No.

 

You cannot catch knives with your teeth. You cannot break knives with your teeth. I don’t care who you are, it’s impossible.

 

So that never happened.

 

So I’ll just assume Bel sucks at throwing knives as much as Xazeon.

 

To be honest, I don't really know what you're trying to tell me with the first thing, so elaborate for me later.

 

The second thing, what's wrong with cliches? They don't retract from the story at all and they get the same point across as other insults. I honestly do not see why it's a bad thing to use cliches, they're an important staple of the English language in my opinion. If anyone thinks I'm talking nerdy here, it's because I just wrote a 4 page paper on why cliches are good right before break >.>

 

AND YOU FOOLISH FOOL!

I'm disappointed.

IF YOU'RE A FAKE TYPE KNIGHT, YOU WILL MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE.

YOU WILL DO THE IMPOSSIBLE AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

This has happened more than enough times, it's become a theme, don't question it >:T

Although, I don't see how it's impossible to catch a knife with your teeth then crunching it, it'd just be really hard to do .__.

I think someone could catch it, and it could be crunched if the knife has a crack in it or something.

But still, FTK makes the impossible possible.

 

I agree.

 

As do I.

 

Note: nerves can’t grow weak.

 

Descriptive writing.

 

Panted is not a simile for said, or any word that is usually used in conjunction with speech.

 

I've been using that style of talking the entire fic and you point it out now. What the hell man.

 

He can sure twist his neck an awful lot.

 

It's a big blob..

 

The chaos of ambushes surely gives people plenty of time to find a nice hiding spot for their radioactive goo.

 

Right.

 

Radiation affects everything near it, regardless if people can see it or not.

 

He placed it far enough where no one would be affected.

 

Radiation doesn’t weaken nerves in the span of a fight.

 

This radiation does .-.

 

“Fell” is so overrated.

 

You're overrated. Nothing's wrong with that :T

And if you're going to bring up the question as to how Zero fell when the wires are trapping him, it's because the knives attached to them were pulled out when Zero walked forward, but I didn't mention that, so that's my fault.

 

Doesn’t mean he’ll be fine.

 

Sonic is a faithful optimist.

 

Why would he unleash his hammer?

 

To fight.

 

What makes them so bad? Are we supposed to just sympathize with Katie simply because she’s outnumbered, and female? When her group is the one that went there willingly for a chance to ambush the Inactive?

 

D.L, the Inactive are evil people running the world.

Come on now, that's common knowledge.

 

One, mind repeating the word engulfed more, I don’t quite got it memorized.

 

Two, You forgot “he said” or the like after the guy’s dialogue.

 

Three, he smiled at the two? I’ll just assume there is Kailyn, and mini-Kailyn perched on her shoulder.

 

One, engul-

*shot*

Two, oh dagnabbit, you're right.

Three, he smiled at Sonic and Chris, who served as the main focus before he arrived on the scene, the two was them.

 

What? Chase? Why does he have red dust too? Is this a new weapon going around in this time period?

 

Kinda. Keep reading and see.

 

DRAMATIC ENTRANCE

 

INDEED.

 

Just right now? RUN FUSE, RUN

 

...Well, that's not how I meant it, but..

 

 

How many of these guys are there…?

 

A lot.

 

Apparently a LOT

 

Right.

 

They wouldn’t die that fast unless the laser shot them ALL straight through a very vital point.

 

That's what it did then :3

 

Way to give away your eye’s weakness to the enemy, which is trembling in fear because of said eye.

 

Overconfidence can lead to one's demise, yes. Not for Deus though, he knows it.

 

Or because they now know they eye has a minute charge time.

 

As if it'll make a difference.

 

Implying he literally, with one blow, wiped out most of the enemy force.

 

Chalk it up to bad writing, meant to say each one fell to one blow.

 

No one talks like that unless they’re in a crappy dub anime.

 

This IS a crappy du-

*shot*

 

Even if their leader, FACESHARPFACEMAN, sucks.

 

But more seriously, he hasn’t seen one of the biggest allies of the Banned fight yet? Seriously?

 

Nope, it's not that unbelievable though >.>

 

Someone has a big ego

 

Correct.

 

People don’t normally stand back to admire the fact they killed/injured/otherwise incapacitated a horde of enemies.

 

They do if it's the Inactive .-.

Or if you're Chase.

 

Which she could have readily joined after Chase rescued her.

 

FTK was too quick for her :/

 

Except for Katie, that was sorrounding by ‘baddies’.

 

Alright, give it a rest >.>

Alright before that moment I guess he shoulda said.

 

He was betrayed by one of his comrades, and almost killed. I would have never guess he was sad, thank you for explicitly stating to us he is sad.

 

What would you have used then >__>

 

Bipolar.

 

Not at all, he has a new comrade and they stopped the bad guys.

 

At least HE reads reports, instead of just skimming through them for five seconds like FACESHARPFACEMAN.

 

Is it so hard to believe Creator's a fast reader .-.

 

He just let the enemy get away with information about his fighting style.

 

They've been fighting for a year, they had that info for a while >.>.

 

The “for Flandre” was unnecessary.

 

But doesn't hinder the sentence in my eyes.

 

Considering you just saw a sea of bodies, it’s not that incredible.

 

One man did it though and he looked super badass

 

It’s funny because we suddenly switched to Deus’ point of view in 3rd person, to 1st person for a second.

 

What, you mean his thoughts and the narration?

DL, look up on the first post under notes, it says thoughts are expressed in italics.

Not to mention almost every single fanfic around here uses that style, to italicize inner thoughts.

Don't start b*tching about that, it's acceptable for YCM standards.

 

Most people don’t like to be interrupted by hot chocolate when snuggling.

 

It's hot chocolate, what planet are you on?

Oh you mean the way I had Rogue talk to them.

Again, been doing this the whole fic, why are you pointing it out now numbnut.

 

Perfect way to get “Daddy” to accept your relationship: Get pregnant during Christmas.

 

Lolrite?

Actually, this'll be addressed later on, it should be funny xD

 

That is one loud snore, if they heard it downstairs, while someone was talking…

 

I know, I feel bad for Rui's mom...wait is she even around?

If Rui has a mom, I feel bad for her .__.

 

Fusion, Fusion, Fusion

 

Your spelling and grammar were great (for the most part) up until this point. But then you go and ruin it. It may seem nitpicky, but this means that you didn’t even bother to run this through MSWord’s spellchecker. And if you did, you got bored mid-way and just said “screw it”. This is a mistake spellchecking would have picked up.

 

My spelling's spot-on, but you've been pointing out grammar errors left and right .__.

And I typed that chapter in the Manage Notes function since my laptop's kinda broken, so I missed that :/

And I thought reading it through would be enough for errors like that, but I guess doing so late at night was a mistake >.>

 

There is so much awkwardness flowing from this sentence.

 

Yeah...but it would pass as normal if it were an anime xP

*shot*

 

Wait, so there’s no other couple yet to go with them? Why would she go through this trouble just to go on a double date?

 

For the lulz.

 

Why would she turn to Rogue? She’s asking about El’s friend. Ask El.

 

Stop switching to first person.

 

You know, it could just be that you copy-pasted this directly from the page, so it didn‘t have coding before that. ;P

 

……….Go away

 

Your blue persona is right, have it stay.

Unless it's Suzuki, then yeah, get out of here.

 

I don’t think you can glomp people when you’re already sitting next to them x3 Altho it would be fun.

 

*beats away* THIS IS MY REVIEW. AWAY WITH YOU.

 

My definition of glomp is hugging someone really tightly.

Is glomping supposed to be jumping and grabbing onto the person tightly?

 

And since he is, he asked to be reminded if there was such a meeting, since as a leader he must be busy, but Dranzer simply replies with an inordinate response, that questions his superior’s intelligence. I think we got a contender for worst subordinate, next to FACESHARPFACEMAN.

 

Dranzer mouthed off to us all the time in Akatsuki when we were the leaders, why are you surprised .__.

 

You forgot about Christmas?

 

Wait, Christmas is still celebrated, with the world as it is?

 

…okay, why not, right?

 

Nothing shall destroy the spirit of Christmas!

NOTHING.

 

…That sounds awkward. Maybe grown to like you would be better.

 

I don't think it does, but alright.

 

I would think he would reserve the shock reaction for AFTER Deus told him what Flandre remembered.

 

No, the sole fact that Flandre remembered something is shocking enough.

 

That’s pretty unstable logic…

 

It's Deus.

And a lead's a lead, no matter how small or indirect it may be .-.

 

And I suppose we get no further information about him, or his appearance for that matter.

 

I SAID he was a shadowy figure.

But no, you're definitely not getting any more information.

~He's a MYSTERY MAN~

 

If you didn’t hear their conversation, they don’t necessarily need to be in speaking terms.

 

He didn't hear the conversation, but got the gist that they just had one .__.

 

“Because all I saw was that he was a shadowy figure who seemed to be able to kill many people.”

 

A lead's a lead >.>

 

Don’t rely on Ragnarok and FACESHARPFACEMAN you fool! They suck!

 

 

 

All in all, that was a good chapter, aside from many discrepancies and errors.

 

I did enjoy it, however there were many moments where I wished to fall asleep, or even slit my wrists (face of a sharpened face)

 

Wait what?

My fic commemorating our friendship filled you with urges to cut yourself?

Thanks for the confidence booster...

 

 

 

If you're going to reply back to this, mind doing it in a clearer way this time? I would have replied back the first time, but the rebuttal was so messy I said screw it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
DL  Contributor

DL 

Posted
Posted

Not gonna bother quoting, but gonna point out a few things.

 

1. This is only the second review I've done, so it's expected I caught stuff like "He panted, *insert speech here*"

 

2. Nonono, things like "face of a sharpened face" made me want to slit my wrists.

 

3. I call him FACESHARPFACEMAN because you said "he had the face of a sharpened face." Lack of proofreading will do that. Or rather, proofread at times when your brain is actually awake.

 

4. That's cause grenades aren't really meant for cutting wire. Swords have blades. Swords were made to cut. So even if a grenade could not, I see no reason a sword could not. Unless the wire was made of diamond. In which case Bel is one rich guy.

 

5. A glomp is a tackle hug. You run at the person, and tacklehug them.

 

6. You did not have to say he was sad. He got betrayed by a close comrade, and almost DIED. A simple "He looked down at his feet" would have sufficed to tell us he was sad. Easily. Always choose show instead of tell.

 

7. When someone is about to use their super move and the other person wants to stop them, usually they pick a method they can trust. I dón't mind him missing. But the fact he threw THREE and didn't manage to hit him good with a single one leads me to believe he IS an idiot for using weapons he's not profficient with to stop an enemy super move.

 

if someone in Brawl is about to activate their Final Smash a few feet from me, I don't use Fox's LASER GUN, I use his B-left >:U

 

 

 

Nontherless, this is probably the last review for a WHILE.

 

So I'll just be commenting on the chapters normally.

 

 

EDIT:

 

I suppose I should mention this: I'm not upset with my character using claws.

 

But if I was fighting a war, and I had claws, and the guy next to me had GUNS, I'd be freakin jealous.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...