Trio of DEF

[DL]

[spoiler=Eugolorp]

The slums of the city smelt particularly foul that cold, barren night. Torn newspapers and discarded pieces of trash lay strewn across the alleyway that had just welcomed a new visitor. The newcomer wrapped their cloak tighter around their mid-riff, shivering with a visible, bated breath.

 

While I admit the feel of it was good, it's missing actual description of the setting aside from it being slums and having discarded pieces of trash (as opposed to pieces of trash kept in one's home as souveniers?) and torn newspapers (which apparently doesn't qualify as trash?) strewn across the alleyway. But I'll let it pass cause I felt cold reading this.

 

Sensing nothing else lurking in the cramped pocket amongst a maze of buildings, the figure hid behind a dumpster and sat down, hugging their knees to acquire warmth.

 

Instead of hugging his knees when he seems to be really cold to cry for his mommy. You're doing well so far, don't ruin it with needless tell. (some tell is needed, or at least not unneeded. Yours is unneeded.)

 

Just as the new settler

 

He lives there now?

 

began to drift off to sleep, the sound of a trash can being knocked over was heard.

 

Here is a more advanced way to say it to avoid using passive voice. "A trash can was knocked down". No need to get fancy.

 

The figure jumped, backing further into the wall in a futile attempt to remain undetected.

 

I don't expect the jumping helped. Nor do I expect he knows he's not Danny Phantom, and thus cannot phase through walls. He's already leaning against it, he can't lean further into it.

 

No…they can’t have found me. Not now!

 

“Hey, come out of there!” a voice yelled. “It’s not safe to sleep in Introd alleys at this time of night!” A man wearing a big, brown coat stood at the end of the alleyway, his slightly huge

 

Nothing should ever be described as slightly huge. It just takes away impact. Just say big, or large.

 

silhouette was all the figure could see from peeking behind the crack between the wall and dumpster.

 

He would be lucky to even see a thin part of the silhoutte, let alone know it's slightly huge big from a crack. And if it's big enough so he can see, it's not a gap, it's a crack.

 

The man sighed and walked over,

 

Walked over to where? Usually 'walked over' is followed by a "to" and a destination.

 

rounding around the corner of the dumpster to see who was hiding from him. “Why…you’re just a kid!” He looked down, seeing a small boy with shaggy, brown hair concealed beneath the hood of a black cloak. He’s probably no older than my dearest niece!

 

“So what if I’m a kid?” the young boy asked.

 

The man looked around, frowning at the newfound stench and unsanitary conditions coating the alleyway.

 

He just now noticed?

 

“Kids shouldn’t be in alleyways, much less inside the Introd borough. This place is the least reputable area in all of Yugo City, you know.”

 

The boy backed slowly stood up.

 

Eh?

 

“I have nowhere else to go. I have to stay here.”

 

The man ruffled his thinning blond hair, narrowing his gaze at the boy. “Where are your parents?”

 

“Dead,” the boy replied. “I have no family.”

 

The man frowned, placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You know, I just remodeled my attic into another room and I’ve been searching for a tenant to rent it out to.” A small smile crossed his lips as the boy looked up at him with a small gleam of hope forming behind them. “Would you like to stay there?”

 

This is awfully kind of him. TOO kind. I wouldn't be so trusting.

 

The boy didn’t move for a few moments before violently nodding his head at the kind stranger. “Thank you so much, sir! I’ll repay you back however I can!”

 

The man chuckled, placing his hand back inside his coat pocket. “Don’t worry, you can work for me to pay off your rent.

 

Child labor is illegal, señor.

 

Say, what’s your name?”

 

A frown formed beneath the hood, sullying the boy’s sudden burst of joy. “I’d rather not say.”

 

The man narrowed his eyes. “Well, you’ll have to tell me eventually.

 

Eyes being narrowed mean annoyance. So he was like glaring at a small child because the small child followed his parents last wishes of not giving his information to strangers. This dude is mean.

 

If we’re going to be living together, we should at least know that much about you.”

 

“I’ll tell you later,” the boy replied. “What’s your name?”

 

The man grinned. “I’ll tell you later.” He chuckled at the glare emanating from the boy and braced his arm behind his back. “Come on, we’ll grab a cab. My place is only a fifteen minute drive from here.”

 

Them meeting was a plot device all the way through. The dude himself seems to have a hobby of wandering the worst part of town on foot and unarmed, and searching through alleways for stray kids.

 

 

The boy nodded, looking back at the alleyway he was so sure would be his new home for who knows how long. One day…one day, I’ll get you back. Count on it.

 

Hopefully he means something else, instead of "One day I'll make you pay, blond silhouette dude..."

 

 

 

All in all, not horrible at all. But some things don't make sense, and description should be worked on. Definitely wasn't painful to review, and I am actually curious who these two are. Although I have a guess. Anyway, just try and proofread, unless you did, or you might not only miss things like "The boy backed slowly stood up", but you might also miss out on something that doesn't really make that much sense, or sound awkward, when read.

 

 

 

And there you have it, my review on the prologue.

[Sploda]

DL, you reviewed the Prologue instead of the new Chapter?

 

Something isn't right here...

[DL]

Prologue is much shorter.

 

 

 

Also, Fusion, to answer your question waaay back:

 

 

You have improved vastly.

 

Not perfect yet, but you have come a long way.

 

 

Honestly, through experience and tips (tips mostly from me xD)

[Sploda]

Prologue is much shorter.

 

 

 

Also, Fusion, to answer your question waaay back:

 

 

You have improved vastly.

 

Not perfect yet, but you have come a long way.

 

 

Honestly, through experience and tips (tips mostly from me xD)

 

I don't see how. You've just kinda stated what anyone could've seen, including Fusion, by reading the chapter.

[DL]

PM system exists, Cree-bozu

 

 

And I did point things out here anyone could see, inclouding Fusion, but Fusion didn't see, and I was the only one to point them out ;D

 

 

Did I mention how I love that in an alternate universe, DMGxCreator is canon?

[Sploda]

Ooookay, what is with the sudden -bozu again?

 

Am I going to have to kill someone...again?

 

Besides, why would I use the PM system?

[Fusion X. Denver]

He means that he's given me tips over PM before.

Thanks DL, glad to know I've made progress :)

I think the key is to not make final edits late at night...kinda did that for the prologue and 32 >.>

[DL]

xD

 

 

Something good would have Cortez or someone else read your chapter before you post it, to see if everything makes sense, and checks out.

 

And what did you think of my review to the prologue?

 

 

@Creator - Cause you deserved a -bozu for being a baka >:3

 

*weaboo*

[Sploda]

@DL

Activates Emote: /killweaboo

 

*Swarm of Trolls come and butcher DL*

 

Stop trying to be an anime character, it will never work.

[Fusion X. Denver]

Maybe. I'll see.

Review was good, I just don't get how it seemed the big guy was a stalker creeping in alleyways looking for kids. He was probably just minding his own business in that part of town and happened to see/hear the boy as he walked by.

And yo, PM me your guesses. I'm not going to answer, but I'd love to see if you guessed correctly or not.

[DL]

Just saying, that was the only way he would be passing by without any business.

 

He did not seem to have any business as he did not get to it after finding the boy and taking him on.

[Fusion X. Denver]

Just taking a stroll?

Looking for a cab to hail?

I dunno, but I'll try to keep another perspective like that next time.

[DL]

That's fine.

 

 

But one thing.

 

You're the writer.

 

You shouldn't be guessing what he was doing.

 

Notice in KS people don't just come across each other, they have a reason to go where they go, and it just so happens to lead them to meeting someone new. Like when Hikaruand Kurotsu found Hayate (who most people probably forgot by now xD)

 

=3

[Sploda]

@DL

Fusion =/= you when it comes to writing. You can have a RANDOM person walking down the street find a homeless kid and take the kid home/ call CPS.

 

It's possible IRL, so the story should be no different,

[Fusion X. Denver]

No I wasn't actually guessing, I was alluding to possibilities.

But the answer you're looking for is by chance.

A lot of impacting things happen by chance :P

EDIT: Creator gets it.

[DL]

You can definitely have that.

 

 

But it's basically a plot device, and nothing else.

 

 

Whereas if we knew his destination we could perhaps learn more about him.

[Fusion X. Denver]

Oh okay.

But I don't want you to know anything about him, that was the point behind not revealing their names ;D

[DL]

Oh okay.

But I don't want you to know anything about him, that was the point behind not revealing their names ;D

>.>

 

Seriously?

 

 

*facepalm*

 

 

But nah, at least it made sense for one not to give his name when the other didn't.

[Lt. Colonel Remo]

Your last chapter shaped up to be most excellent. But I can't help but feel like Yusei's old friends from the first episode who are forgotten up untill the final episode

 

XD

[Fusion X. Denver]

Wait, did you actually read everything you missed until you caught up?

That's just stellar ;)

Sorry about that, I wish I could give every character their due, but alas~

[Lt. Colonel Remo]

I iz good at speed-reading

 

a nessecery skill for my type procrastination at school

 

It's like a Pro event during a project

 

SO MUCH ADRENELINE

 

AAARGH

[DL]

BTW, Fusion, forgot to add something.

 

This chapter felt short.

 

 

 

That's an amazing sign.

[Fusion X. Denver]

But it was like 30 pages when my usual is 20...

Did the fact it was all fights have to do with it?

[Andx]

But it was like 30 pages when my usual is 20...

Did the fact it was all fights have to do with it?

 

Good flow and good action can make reading seem drastically faster.

 

Essentially, you managed to engage the readers like you never have before. Or at least DL. lol

 

Anyway, this chapter looked fun..... now I have to figure out why I've really only ever skimmed most of this story. Reading it for real should be fun. See if I ever get to that. xD

[Fusion X. Denver]

I dunno, maybe it just didn't grab you like it did for everyone else. If you ever do end up reading it in full, I'll be happy to hear it :)

And if that's the case, then 33's gonna be "short" too.

After that though, major major plot stuff is going to be focused on.

 

Oh yeah, guys, I randomly made 2 bios for Rosa and Rui, check them out.

I'm screwing the order thing and doing whoever the hell I feel like.

Also, wrote some of 33 at school today, so progress has begun.