LOCK.

[John A. Zoidberg]

True, very true. The thing is, about part 1, I'm not sure how to really make characters seem like they'll really fit into the rebellion.

 

Name: Henry Godrick

Age: 80

Gender: Male

Appearance: a really old dude, just search up a pic of gandolf

Background: royal historian and librarian for the past 60 years. he is Extremely intelligent and has a curious nature. He fortifies his house with booby traps and a moat (just cause he was bored). Henry was born into a peasant family, but his genius at researching and inventing earned him a spot in the royal library at the early age of 10. At the age of 20, he invented the catapult ;D, and became the new royal historian and librarian.

Personality: a pessimistic, Henry is very protective of his books and will literally rip someones head off if they are damaged. He is also short-tempered and makes bad jokes.

Side (Sathien Army or The Rebellion): Sathien side then

 

is this ok?

 

Sure.

 

Name: Henry Godrick

Age: 80

Gender: Male

Appearance: a really old dude, just search up a pic of gandolf

Background: royal historian and librarian for the past 60 years. he is Extremely intelligent and has a curious nature. He fortifies his house with booby traps and a moat (just cause he was bored). Henry was born into a peasant family, but his genius at researching and inventing earned him a spot in the royal library at the early age of 10. At the age of 20, he invented the catapult ;D, and became the new royal historian and librarian.

Personality: a pessimistic, Henry is very protective of his books and will literally rip someones head off if they are damaged. He is also short-tempered and makes bad jokes.

Side (Sathien Army or The Rebellion): Sathien side then

 

is this ok?

 

Sure.

[Guest Mako109]

I iz uncomfortable for my name to be the name of the main villain. Oh, well. Theres nothing I can do.

 

 

 

This story is pretty good, but a little small in chapter by my standards. I feel like everything is being rushed along with no character building.

There could be 2 fixes.

 

 

1. Make the story longer with more stuff like Character development and and more intriguing plot.

 

2. I need to learn to read slower. (Never gonna happen)

[John A. Zoidberg]

Nah, you're right. I need to slow down a little bit.

Thanks for the comment. And what's up with you not being comfortable with his name being Kind Christopher?

Oh, and like I said with Belphagor, do you think I'm overdoing it with the dramatic irony?

 

Oh, derp. I didn't read correctly :P

 

Chapter 2 edited for better character development.

[John A. Zoidberg]

Chapter 3 up.

[Guest Mako109]

Eh...its ok.

 

 

 

 

 

I found a word that describes the story. Its a little thin. It needs more content.

 

VI iz help with ur storyV

 

 

Name: Yvain Plat (Named after one of the knights at the round table)

Age: 24

Gender:Male

Appearance: Has an eye patch over his left eye, saying it improves his aiming. He wears a brown shirt and vest, with leather chaps.

Background: He was born and raised in the Sathien Capitol, only leaving to do his weekly Archery practice, which he showed extreme ability at. Due to this, he is now the Archery Trainer for the Army, teaching every new recruit the basics and advanced concepts of Archery.

Personality: Cheery, protective, loyal, and sarcastic. Has many friends^^

Side (Sathien Army or The Rebellion): Sathien Army

 

Is this ok?

[John A. Zoidberg]

Weldman? Is that a legit name?

And yes it's thin. All of Part 1 will be somewhat thin, but things will REALLY pick up in Part 2. And I'm going back for editing, revision, and addition AFTER I finish each part so I can do it all in bulk.

[Guest Mako109]

lol. wat? how is Weldman not a legit name?

 

 

 

and if you say it will be thicker soon, im sure it will be.^^

[John A. Zoidberg]

Like, a name you would hear often in a 1000AD type society.

Because I've NEVER heard the name Weldman.

[grassman131]

next chapter is amazing!!!!!

[Guest Mako109]

hey, it doesn't HAVE to be a common name, does it? I certainly thought it was creative at the least.

[John A. Zoidberg]

Really? Hm, thanks!

I'll try to get 4 done tonight.

[spoiler=SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!]

[spoiler=Are you sure you wanna know?]

[spoiler=Positive?]

[spoiler=Okay, good luck]

It'll be the first chapter featuring a REAL fight that isn't training.

 

 

 

 

 

 

hey, it doesn't HAVE to be a common name, does it? I certainly thought it was creative at the least.

 

Yes, I'd prefer a common name.

That's what I told grassman. Because I don't consider Shikibikibaku or whatever creative. I want this story to be, like, a fantasy story occurring in 1000AD Europe, like the medieval times.

[grassman131]

yeah! real fighting! still working on typing that "goosebumps" fan fic. My teacher has my notebook for grading until wednsday! grrrrr!

[John A. Zoidberg]

Lol, good luck. But trust me.

This is a minor climax of Part 1, in which the major climax will occur in 2-3 chapters. I might actually finish Part 1 tonight.

[Guest Mako109]

Ok, I edited my post, with a name that is good, and just as creative. Maybe, even better!

[John A. Zoidberg]

Ok, now it's accepted.

[Guest Mako109]

Kewl

[John A. Zoidberg]

I can actually use him in chapter 4.

[grassman131]

yeah! go other people acceptance!

[John A. Zoidberg]

Chapter 4 should be up soon.

 

Chapter 4 done.

 

Actually, I'm very sorry, but I've decided to close this fanfic down for certain purposes regarding my ideas not wanting to be stolen, as I'm very good friends with a man that has some books published, and I may talk to him for some advice on the subject.

[Guest Mako109]

kthx. its been intersesting.

[Phantom M.C.]

a shame, its been interesting though