The Obscure Journal of Sultan McSalad [PG-13]

[Just Crouton]

Basically, it's told in sort of a personal journal style with 3-4 entries per "chapter."

[spoiler=Characters]

Characters:

Sultan McSalad
A businessman on the OIQ Creation. Dresses like Dick Tracy. From a family of farmers. Watches the drama and tragedy surrounding him, and writing about it so those who find his journal will never repeat the same mistakes again.

Tarty Meringue
A nymphomaniac who wants to start a business around selling her body for a high price.

Gabriel the Myth
A mysterious, nocturnal lion-like alien. Tends to appear between 4-5AM to give advice to random people.

Brontius
A black creature dwelling in a jar. Develops a drinking problem after constant battles with the Nuubians, losing many of his loved ones.

Orolly
A rookie in the OIQ army. A victim of child abuse, he seeks Brontius' approval.

WQ Bloodbath
A trigger-happy sniper in the OIQ Strike Force. Tends to go on long rants about his bloodthirsty wife.

Fluffy Flexer
An over-enthusiastic rookie in the OIQ Strike Force. Is usually ignored, and wants the well-deserved notice.

Automated Fedora of Armageddon
An underground crime boss on the OIG Creation.

Manticore
A computer expert in the OIG Cyber Crimes Unit.

Krísi Foínikas
A bar tender on the OIQ. Fairly anti-social, but well knowledgeable of what happens in the colony.

Revolving Wheelchair of Genocide
A former soldier in the OIQ Strike Force. Was committed to a mental institution after brutally murdering suspected Ragu Meister followers in gory fashion.

Mlatz
A computer expert on the OIQ. He usually speaks in one-word sentences.

Wapper Slapper
A combat strategist on the OIQ Creation. Is always prepared with a backup plan, though is generally ignored.

Ten-Thousand Lightning
A bomb expert for the OIQ security.

Parentless Iguana
A large lizard kept underground by the OIQ High Command.

Neurologist Jekyll
A doctor on the OIG Creation. Despite his name, he is really a surgeon.

A Terrorist
Wannabe terrorist on the OIG Creation. He is often dismissed as a joke.

Bill Frosty
A high-ranking security officer on the OIQ Creation.

Crustacean Headgear
An admiral in the OIQ Strike Force.

Fragmahawk
A malfunctioning robot that speaks in a preset manner.

Ragu Meister
A terrorist leader spreading his plague throughout the colony, corrupting it's inhabitants, and causing them to join the Nuubian Rebels.

[/spoiler]


[b]~Prologue~[/b]

If you are reading this, I am likely already dead...or I got drunk one night and let you read this. I am Sultan McSalad, a businessman on the space colony, the OIQ Creation. I was always trying to start a business, only for it to fail.

The OIQ Creation was the first space colony created on Earth. It was for the exploration of distant galaxies. Mankind wanted to know if other friendly species existed. We found them, and now, some coexist with us on the Creation. But, one of the aliens we befriended had other plans...Ragu Meister, a native from the planet Nuubia, spread a plague on the Creation, corrupting civilians and turning them into killers. The colony is unstable. Everybody suspects each other as an infected. People capitalize on the fear for power.

Tragedy struck this colony...It is my hope that you will read this, and never repeat history's mistakes...

[spoiler="Chapter" 1]

[b]Stardate 8504043...etc...[/b]

I started a new business in coin laundry...only to realize the washing machines are actually dishwashers...Jesus...

I went to the bar for a drink and met an alien living in a jar. He was powering down his fourth bottle of malt liquor. "Haven't you had enough" I asked him. He turned around.

He was a creature with one eye, and exposed, black muscle tissue. "After a long, hard day of murdering Nuubians, I need a good...2 good...3 good...4 good drinks" He answered. He told me his name was Brontius. It turns out he's in the OIQ Strike Force. His fellow soldiers entered the bar. One of them, WQ Bloodbath, screaming about wanting to kill more Nuubians to impress his fiancee, and another, Fluffy Flexer, waving his arms for attention.

I ordered a scotch. The bar tender, Krísi Foínikas, just looked at me, and gave me the whole bottle. The other OIG soldiers looked at me. "What?" I asked.

One of the OIG soldiers, Ten-Thousand Lightning, grabbed my bottle of scotch. "This drink is stupid" he said, and then handed it back to me.

Later that night, I looked at my incompetence in my coin laundry store full of dish washers. I sighed, and went to bed.

I heard knocking on the door. I looked at my clock. It was 4 in the morning. The knocking turned into banging. I answered the door. A tall, lion-like creature towered over me, with a shield and an axe. I was horrified. He said to me "change your sign so people will know it's a dishwashing service." He then left.

The next morning, I fixed the sign to say "Coin Dishwasher."

[b]
Stardate 90282581...etc.[/b]

A female customer came into the Coin Dishwasher. She was a hot, Asian woman with pink hair, and looked like she was at least 20. She came in with a large box of dirty dishes. I was too shy to speak to her until another customer, calling himself Wapper Slapper, came in and talked to me. "If you're interested in her, you should do business with her. Here's a list of things you can say to her." He handed me a list of things to say to her.

Confused at the comment about "doing business," I approached the hot, Asian woman. I nervously read from the list. "Want to go back to my place?" I asked. It turns out she's a nymphomaniac trying to start a business by selling her body. I was lucky. Wapper gave me a thumbs up. She told me her name was Tarty Meringue.

Later that night, I heard knocking on the door. I moved Tarty off of me carefully, and answered the door. It was the lion creature again, wielding his axe and shield. "Uh, hi." I said.

"Add TVs to the store so people can watch the game while their dishes are being cleaned." The lion creature said. He then left. The next day, Tarty seduced some men into denoting their TVs to the store.


[b]
Stardate 342791141...etc...[/b]

I came into the hospital for leg surgery after an accident at the Coin Dishwasher. I met with the surgeon. His name is Neurologist Jekyll, and he was wearing a strait jacket. I was confused. I asked why I assigned a neurologist to perform leg surgery while wearing a strait jacket. "What makes you think I'm a neurologist?" he asked. I pointed to the sign on his office door which said "Neurologist" before his name. He told that his first name is Neurologist. He probably gets that a lot.

As he was gassing me to sleep, I noticed Neurologist making a suggestive call to someone. He hung up and told me that he was talking to his prostitute. He then asked the nurse to hand him a buzzsaw. I was nervous as I dozed off.


[b]
Stardate 79810482...etc.[/b]

I've been released from the hospital. On the way out, I was approached by a cat-like man wearing an iron mask, and in a wheelchair mounted with guns. The wheel chair had "Revolving Wheelchair of Genocide" splattered in blood. "HELLO!" He shouted to me. "I just escaped the mental institution! Can I kill you? Where's WQ Bloodbath? Does Automated Fedora of Armageddon still drink vodka? Wanna watch me shoot a Nuubian to death and spill his guts all over the street? Call me Genochair because Revolving Wheelchair is just gay." I was terrified.

Neurologist approached us, and conversed with "Genochair." It turns out that Genochair was an OIG soldier who was admitted after a mass murder of an orphanage of suspected Nuubian children. It also seems that Neurologist is an alien trafficker, and Genochair is a frequent customer. "Gimme some hoes, Neuro! NOW!" Genochair shouted, spinning around in his wheelchair.

"I can't. Business is on hiatus. Bill Frosty is onto my trafficking scheme." Neurologist lamented. I went home, pretending that I didn't hear any of this.

[/spoiler]

[spoiler="Chapter" 2]
[b]
Stardate 54474856856...etc.[/b]

At the Coin Dishwasher today, a robot named Fragmahawk came in and began talking to me. He said about my sign "it's just a minor font selection error, nothing too big on it. A little bit basic when it comes to presentation, but there's nothing bad about it. 9.2/10." I asked him what he was talking about, and a man named Bill Frosty came in and took Fragmahawk into custody. I was confused. Nothing else out of the norm happened, not even the lion man appearing at 4AM.

[b]Stardate 345364757868...etc.[/b]

Today, I decided to confront the lion man at 4AM tonight. I would stay up all night if I had to.

Tarty opened up her own brothel next to the Coin Dishwasher. I wished her the best of luck. I also met a new customer. His name is Mlatz. He was a bald man with a tie who was grinning. He came in without saying a word, and used one of the dishwashers. He walked over to me and said "detergent." I was confused until I realized that the dishwasher he was using was out of detergent. I gave him a container to use.

That night, at 4AM, I heard the knocking on the door. I immediately opened the door and shouted "HELLO, THERE!" It was the lion man. Confused, he said "hello" back. I asked him for his name. He told me his name is Gabriel the Myth. It turns out that he regularly goes to people's homes late at night to give them advice, then leaves. With nothing left to say, he left. I closed the door, and walked back to my room. I suddenly heard the knocking again. I answered the door. Gabriel was back. "Uh, hello" I said nervously.

Gabriel said to me "I forgot to mention. Don't stay up so late. You'll be tired all day." He then left. How he know I was up all night?

[b]Stardate 286708080...etc.[/b]

There was a holdup at the bank. Tarty and I stood outside and watched. Genochair rolled up to us and asked us what was wrong. We told him what happened. He told us "I miss my days in the Strike Force. I would've killed them all, then shoot their families to death because their death screams would've been funny."

The OIG Strike Force arrived and charged into the bank. All we heard was gunfire and screams. Strike Force came out with the hostages, and then they blew up the entrance to the bank. I heard Ten-Thousand Lightning say "this explosion for dramatic effect is stupid."

[b]Stardate 590547437...etc.[/b]

At the Coin Dishwasher, a customer came in who was a purple robot wearing a fedora. He asked "where's Revolving Chair of Genocide?" I told him I didn't know. He left. On the news, a reporter told people to keep an eye out for a fedora-wearing robot that is a suspect in the murders of several people recently. Genochair rolled in, and I told about the purple robot. Genochair left without a word.

On the way home, I bought some ramen at the convenience store with Tarty. We walked outside, and saw the purple robot standing in the street with Genochair, guns drawn. We couldn't hear what they were talking about, and within seconds, they began shooting at each other. Bullets flew in all directions, killing multiple people. Genochair began shooting grenades mounted on his wheelchair, destroying several cars. An hour passed, and the fighting was over. Genochair wheeled over to the purple robot. "HEY! AUTOMATED FEDORA OF ARMAGEDDON! How's life? Have you killed anyone lately? Do you still like vodka? Is your wife still a tramp?"

Automated Fedora adjusted his hat. "It's all good! I've killed lots of people! I love vodka! My wife was a tramp until I blew her face off with shotgun! HAHAHAHA! I killed her!"

Genochair and Fedora went to a bar. Tarty and I looked at the destruction they caused, shrugged it off, then went home for dinner.

[/spoiler]

[Just Crouton]

Bump.

[Just Crouton]

[size="5"][b]BUMP IT UP![/b][/size]

[Dabir]

This story is full of win. I eagerly await further instalments.