The Starbright Phenonmenon [PG-13]

[Prince of Tennis]

Please comment and tell me if you like it:


[size="4"][u][b]The Starbright Phenonmenon[/b][/u][/size]
[spoiler= Chapter 1]

The night sky, is a astonishing thing, the bright stars lay on a copious field of darkness, making a paradox in itself. Just after the sky, there is an even larger space, we believed that it was a unlimited amount of nothingness, but were we wrong....

Hunter looked at General Jefferson with a mixed look of surprise and excitement. “You mean the launch is in a few hours?” Hunter said looking down at his tan khakis and his NASA vest with “Pittman” written on it.

“We got re-scheduled, tomorrow's the Solar Shock, we couldn't fly a spacecraft through that even if we tried.” Jefferson said with his typical calm and stern accent. The General was in his mid 40's with slightly spiked hair and fair skin. “We need to get you and the rest of the crew logged in, you're mission will be briefed at fifteen-hundred!” He said as he walked out of the room.

Hunter let out a quick smile, “This is it, Hunter, you're finally going into Space!” He grabbed his file and rapidly walked to the briefing hall.

“Hunter Pittman” The assistant said with a twinkle in her eye “Your in the system, go to Room 34-X!”

Hunter nodded his head and smirked.

“Wait!”

Hunter looked back “What?”

“I almost forgot,” she said “You got to do your Delusion check!”

The delusion test was to prove that you were in the right mind, so that you wouldn't get go “Space Crazy” as it was called. Hunter rolled his eyes, but nevertheless walked back and got in front of the desk, he nodded to signal his readiness.

“What's today's date?” She asked.

“August 28th 2011” Hunter rolled his eyes “This is such a waste of time...”

“Country, state, and city of birth?”

“Indianapolis, Indiana, the United States of America.”

The assistant smiled showing her glamorous white teeth. “Finally, Age, Race, and Marital Status?”

“27, 3/4th Caucasian 1/4th Japanese, and Single, Never Married.” He answered

“A 1/4th Japanese?” She observed “So is that why you have tan skin and dark brown hair?”

“... Yes Ma'am” Hunter picked up his bag and walked to Room 34-X.

Hunter walked into the room and immediately saw General Jefferson to his right and 5 other cadets. He took a seat by a young woman with dirty blonde hair. Her NASA vest wrote “Avery.”

The room consisted of a large table with the NASA symbol in the middle, and a large dry-erase board. Jefferson got up out of his seat at the head of the table, and walked to the dry-erase board.

Hunter began to look around at the other cadets: “Ms. Avery” a muscular African-American man named “Mr. Parker.” Mr. Parker was clean-shaven and had a short haircut; he also had a large “Honor” tattoo on his left arm and another tattoo with a large Christian Cross on his right arm. Thirdly, was another woman who looked of Asian descent. The name on her vest was “Kim” she had slightly-slanted eyes and long black hair that extended to her shoulders. The last cadet, who Hunter noticed had no NASA Vest, was a Caucasian man with blonde hair.

“Pittman!” Hunter turned and looked at General Jefferson.

“Y-yes Sir?”

“Pay attention, or you sure as Hell ain't goin' on this mission!”

Hunter noticed that the General's southern dialect had shown through, Hunter nodded and looked at the white board. It wrote “Solar Shock.” Jefferson pointed to the words and spoke, “This is our true mission, these 'Solar Shocks' as the public are calling it, knock out all electrical devices for exactly 22 hours and 13 minutes.” He paused and pointed to the man with no NASA vest. The man got up and Jefferson once again took his spot at the head of the table.

“Thank you, Dad uh-h I mean General Jefferson!” The man looked down at his feet.

“Hurry up Lafayette, we gotta' take off for the ISS in 2 hours!” Jefferson announced with distinct frustration.

“Sorry, as General Jefferson, said my name is Lafayette, Lafayette Jefferson to be exact”

Hunter eyes instinctively opened, “Wow, General Jefferson has a son?” Hunter asked himself. It seemed like the other cadets were just as surprised. Lafayette continued:

“I am a scientist working for the U.S. government, and as we are the feds are also worrying about this strange phenomena: the 'solar shock'. We've recently sent a team to the ISS (International Space Station) to study this annoyance, and they came back with some disturbing results...” Lafayette breathed heavily and looked at his father.

General Jefferson put one of his hands in a circular motion signaling him to get on with it. Lafayette turned back around to the white board and wrote the word “Sun.”

Lafayette spoke, “Well it turns out that the sun is pulsating, letting off huge fields of light energy to Earth, alternating the Earth's electrical field, which in turn would negate all electrical devices useless until the energy dies down .”

Hunter raised his eyebrows “The sun is... pulsating, but how?” He asked aloud.

“Think about the human heart,” Lafayette said, “When you are calmed your heart beats normally and you barely notice it, but when you run or exercise it beats harder so you can physically feel it.”

For the first time, Mr. Parker spoke “So you're saying something is making the sun let off that energy?!” Hunter instantly noticed how deep Mr. Parker's voice was.

“Exactly Davis, we believe think that an asteroid field is being pulled into the sun's gravitational force,” Lafayette revealed. “You see, any asteroid with a mass of over 10,000 kilos would run into the sun and create a mini super-nova!”

Now, Ms. Kim let out the first words: “... And a super-nova of any size would create enough energy to easily travel from the sun to Earth itself!” Hunter frowned and rolled up his eyes, Ms. Kim had an extremely annoying whiny voice.

“That is correct Jorden, so the four of you will travel through this asteroid belt, in an intent to figure out a way of diverting the asteroids from the sun,” Lafayette nodded his head and had a stern look, just like his father's on his face.

“Wait, so you're not going?” Hunter asked.

“No, NASA wants me to stay here and overview the mission from Earth,” Lafayette looked annoyed when he said this statement. “We'll y'all need to get to the launch pad anyways.” Saying that, Lafayette left the room without another word.

General Jefferson stood up and said “Go grab your belongings and meet at the launch pad!”

Jorden Kim and Davis Parker left after the General, leaving just Hunter and Ms. Avery in the room.

Hunter got up out of his chair and stepped towards Ms. Avery. “I heard their first names, but I didn't get yours?”

“Don't talk to me!” Avery commanded in a cold voice. She picked up her bags and walked out of the room.

“Wait!” Hunter screeched, but she was already gone. “We'll I guess I need to go get my suit on, launch is in a few minutes!”

~12 Minutes Later~

Hunter and the rest of the crew had to climb a short ladder to get into the vertical space shuttle. “Space Shuttle Memphis” was written on the side of the spacecraft. Once in, Hunter stood amazed looking at the flashing buttons. Jefferson frowned and stepped in front of him. Hunter walked to the far left, and put on his life support mask. Suddenly, Layette's face appeared on a screen in front of them.

“Base to Memphis, can you hear me?” Lafayette questioned.

“10-4, loud and clear, base, loud and clear!” Jefferson answered.

“10 seconds to lift off!” Lafayette announced.

Hunter's heart rose, 10 seconds until his dream would come true.

“9...8...7...6....5...4...3...2...” the countdown continued. Hunter took in a deep breath.
“1 and blast off!!!” Lafayette yelled.

Hunter began to breathe rapidly, following NASA's breathing exercises. His vision began to fade, “IT'S FINE HUNTER JUST KEEP BREATHING!” Hunter yelled to himself. His eyes slowly began to clear up.

“BASE TO MEMPHIS! BASE TO MEMPHIS! WE HAVE A PROBLEM!” Lafayette yelled. The next few words were the words Hunter never to expected to hear. They were in the top half of the atmosphere, when Lafayette said: “WE HAVE A...SOLAR SHOCK!!!!!”

Hunter's vision went dark...
[/spoiler]

[Weather Report - Stand]

Alright guys, I'm here for a requested Weather Report review, as I used to do all those years ago... Either way, let's get started analyzing this thing.
[quote name='Prince of Tennis' timestamp='1283004821' post='4574541']
Please comment and tell me if you like it:

[spoiler= Chapter 1]
[color=red]No title? Okay. It's fine.[/color]
The Night Sky, is a astonishing thing, the bright stars lay on a copious field of darkness, making a paradox in itself. Just after the sky, there is an even larger Space, we believed that it was a unlimited amount of nothingness, but were we wrong....
[color=red]Hmm. You capitalized 'Night Sky' for a reason there? Also I'd take out that first comma. I also think you mean 'is AN astonishing thing', since I am a stickler for grammar. Also why'd you capitalize 'Space?' Either way, I like your sense of description here.[/color]
Hunter looked at General Jefferson with a mixed look of surprise and excitement. “You mean the launch is in a few hours?” Hunter said looking down at his tan khakis and his NASA vest with “Pittman” written on it.
[color=red]Well we sure got to this plot quickly.[/color]
“We got re-scheduled, tomorrow's the Solar Shock, we couldn't fly a Space-Craft through that even if we tried.” Jefferson said with his typical calm and stern accent. The General was in his mid 40's with slightly spiked hair and fair skin. “We need to get you and the rest of the crew logged in, you're mission will be briefed at 15-hundred!” He said as he walked out of the room.
[color=red]S-s-s-SOLAR SHOCK?! You'd better be describing it later on... But you could merely say 'spacecraft', instead of 'Space-Craft'. You sure capitalize a lot of words. What could this entail...? Either way, thanks for describing our General here. I was about to gripe about that. But wait? 'You're mission' should be 'your'! Also you should de-capitalize 'he' after the quote, and usually in books it's written as 'fifteen-hundred' in military time. Dang, this WR is just a lot of regular editing! Why'd you have to write such an adequate story? Now everybody's going to gripe at me for reviewing something not horrible![/color]
Hunter let out a quick smile, “This is it, Hunter, you're finally going into Space!” He grabbed his file and rapidly walked to the Briefing-Hall.
[color=red]Now a hyphen between Briefing and Hall? You're on a roll today, sir.[/color]
“Hunter Pittman” The assistant said with a twinkle in her eye “Your in the system, go to Room 34-X!”
[color=red]ACK! NO PUNCTUATION THERE!! AND YOUR?! NO YOU'RE?! AAAAAAHH[/color]
Hunter nodded his head and smirked
[color=red]AND AGAIN AAAAAAAAGH[/color]
“Wait!”

Hunter looked back “What?”
[color=red]WHERE'S THE PERIOD AAAAAAAAAH[/color]
“I almost forgot,” she said “You got to do your Delusion check!”
[color=red]But really, you were nearly perfect earlier! What happened, Prince?![/color]
The delusion test was to prove that you were in the right mind, so that you wouldn't get go “Space Crazy” as she called. Hunter walked back and got in front of the desk, he nodded to signal his readiness.
[color=red]'As she called?' WHAT'S GOING WRONG?! Uggh! I'm keeping up with the plot, it's just that I'm kinda being thrown off here. Okay, here's a psychiatric test of some sort...[/color]
“What's today's date?” She asked

“August 28th 2011” Hunter rolled his eyes “This is such a waste of time...”
[color=red]UGH PERIODS[/color]
“What is your destination?”

“The International Space Station, then Unnamed Planet Region 17”
[color=red]UGH PERIODS -- Oh hey we're getting connected back to the theme you mentioned of there being things in space by him traveling to that planet and finding something there.[/color]
The Assistant smiled showing her glamorous white teeth. “Finally, Age, Race, and Marital Status”
[color=red]Wait, why's 'Assistant' capitalized?[/color]
“27, 3/4th Caucasian 1/4th Japanese, and Single, Never Married”
[color=red]Eh, it's like this on applications I'd guess, so I won't ask about the capitals here.[/color]
“A 1/4th Japanese?” She observed “So is that why you have tan skin and dark brown hair?”

“... Yes Ma'am” Hunter picked up his bag and walked to Room 34-X
[color=red]BLEGH PUNCTUATION[/color]
Hunter walked into the room, he immediately saw General Jefferson to his right and 5 other cadets. He took a seat by a young woman with dirty blonde hair, her vest said “Avery.”
[color=red]He walked into the room AND he immediately saw the general, maybe? Also maybe AND her vest said 'Avery'? I see recurring themes here.[/color]
The room consisted of a large table with the NASA symbol in the middle, and a large dry erase board. Jefferson got up out of his seat at the head of the table, and walked to the dry erase board.
[color=red]For once, I believe it's actually 'dry-erase', contrary to what I had been saying earlier.[/color]
Hunter began to look around at the other cadets: “Ms. Avery” a muscular African-American man named “Mr. Parker.” Mr. Parker was clean-shaven and had a short haircut, also had a large “Honor” tattoo on his left arm and another tattoo with a large Christian Cross on his right arm. Thirdly, was another woman who looked of Asian descent. The name on her vest was “Kim” she had slightly-slanted eyes and long black hair that extended to her shoulders. The last cadet, who Hunter noticed had no NASA Vest, was a Caucasian man with blonde hair.
[color=red]Your punctuation's really bad at the start of this. It just keeps deteriorating! Next you start throwing in run-on sentences! This has GOT to be your first draft.[/color]
“Pittman!” Hunter turned and looked at General Jefferson.

“Y-yes Sir?”

“Pay attention, or you sure as Hell ain't goin' on this mission!”
[color=red]Wuh-oh, watch out kid! Looks as if that general's hot on your tail![/color]
Hunter noticed that the General's southern dialect had shown through, Hunter nodded and looked at the white board. It wrote “Solar Shock.” Jefferson pointed to the words and spoke, “This is our true mission, these 'Solar Shocks' as the public are calling it, knock out all electrical devices for exactly 22 hours and 13 minutes.” He paused and pointed to the man with no NASA vest. The man got up and Jefferson once again took his spot at the head of the table.
[color=red]Oh.[/color]
“Thank you, Dad uh-h I mean General Jefferson!” The man looked down at his feet.
[color=red]Whoops, there's his characterization.[/color]
“Hurry up Lafayette, son, we gotta' leave in 2 hours!” Jefferson announced with a distinct frustration.
[color=red]This one sounds weird.[/color]
“Sorry, as General Jefferson, said my name is Lafayette, Lafayette Jefferson to be exact”
[color=red]ACK IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THIS ONE[/color]
Hunter eyes instinctively opened, “Wow, General Jefferson has a son?” Hunter asked himself. It seemed like the other cadets were just as surprised. Lafayette continued:

“I am a Scientist working for the US government, and as we are the Feds are also worrying about this strange phenomena: the 'Solar Shock'. We've recently sent a team to the ISS (International Space Station) to study this annoyance, and they came back with some disturbing results...”
[color=red]So much capitalization... And either way, we've come to our exciting climax, but the build-up just wasn't here. We introduce everybody and then run into an investigation of the solar shocks? I'm just not feeling it.[/color]
[/spoiler]
[/quote]
So, this has the potential to be interesting. But right now it's pretty bland, and it doesn't make me feel anything. It's mainly dragging itself along with some boring dialogue and then ends. I'd say either combine this with the next chapter after edits, or just re-write this one. It's my honest opinion, and I believe I'm about finished here. Thank you for allowing me to review your work and have a good one.

[Prince of Tennis]

Thank you for the review, Weather Report, I'll write chapter 2 later and I'll try to fix what you told me too.

[Prince of Tennis]

I changed what you told me to, and combined part of chapter 2 with chapter 1

[Prince of Tennis]

Bump comments please

[Weather Report - Stand]

It started to get pretty interesting... but then you lost me when you started talking about asteroids hitting the sun and causing a 'mini-supernova'. It just doesn't really make sense to me, and it completely dropped me from the situation by thinking 'wait what the heck?!' That's pretty much it for now.