cyberdude Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 hey guys this is the rise of the rebelllion a story of love lost and greed ive sorted the whole story into seven books each with 10 chapters please let me now if this are any good [spoiler=book one part one a new begining] He woke up and got out of bed almost ghostlike for today was his day the day when he finally gets some respeect for his dueling skills. He is Shang Delecourus for crist sake and it was about time he started earning some respect from his fellow duelist.amd he dint care how he got it whether it was by admration or by force. slowley as he strapped on his new duel disk he felt the pressure of doing his best in this tournament.He also was felling a singe of hunger becouse he hadnt ate in 6 hours but there was no time to weat his first match was in 2 hours . "Allright mom im leaveing for the tourament be back in about 3 days." Shang said as he walks out the door. After walking for about an hour Shang said when he noticed a group of girls with duel disks on there arm."HEy you guys are you jsut stand there or duel come on i dont have all day"To this an acttrive young girl said to the others "Ill take care of this" and then to Shang she said "May i help you?""Yes you can im looking for a serious duelist do you now where any are?' Shang replied rudely and with a grin on her face she responeded while her duel disk activated "Well im a serious duelist how about dueling me if you have the guts?""Your funeral so it be" Shang said while his duel disk activated. "Fine ladies first ill start off with the spell card Foolish Burial which forces me to mill the top 5 cards off the deck then i draw 5 cards.then ill activatde the gemini sprits effect.sience this card was sent to the graveyard form my deck i can summon 2 gemini tokens"right as she said this a red and a green slime appeared on the field ."Now ill activate the wonderful spell card Gemini Sacrifice when this card is activated all cards with gemini in its name go to the grave but then there replaced with 2 monsters in my graveyard so come on out snipe hunter and cybernetic magician " 2 monsters appeared one looked like a houndog the other a white sage ill lay one card face down and end my turn by discarding these 3 cards from my hand to the graveyard."She said with force and power in her voice while the crownd behind her cheered . Meanwhile Shang is going lived over what just happened."Allright shang game time its time for you to step up and do this" Shang thought"but i cant do anything with this hand ill have to wait till next turn."and then he said "I end my turn""I never caught your name man""Uhhm shang delecourus""Really well shang my name is Abby silver and your going to wish you wernt stupid enough to duel me my move" Abby said as she drew with a smug look on her face "Allright Shang im going to make this easy for you. Im going to activate my face down ultimate offering then im going to activate myu cybernetic magicians effect discarding my ojamagic to make snipe hunters attack 2000 then im going to use ojamagics effect to bring out the 3 ojamas from my deck to my hand. Then im going to activate ultimate offerings effect 3 times summing the 3 ojamas to my side of the field by paying 1500 points then im dissing anthor ojamagic for my cybernetic to affect itself this lets me gain 3 more ojamas from my deck whicvh ill discard for my cyberentic to make all my monsters attack 2000 a piece. So essentially shang you lose"she said with a look of satifaction on her face "NOW GO MY FIVE MONSTER ATTAC"Suddenly a bomb went off in the distance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barsam Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Good Job.I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyberdude Posted January 16, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 thanks its a liltle short right now but it will get interesting real quick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankee Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Well, it's ok, it is kind of, well, boring to me at a time, but, hey, it gets ok, hmmm, 7/10It's passible. I wanna see more of this ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Best Male 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 I like it :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyberdude Posted January 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 thanks guys chapter 2 dark ties is coming tomorrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Spelling mistakes, punctuation error, numbering below eight, grammar error. Story: Altogether not interesting. Stopped reading because of above errors. Rating: 4/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyberdude Posted January 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 well its not even close to being done but ill tell you what when it is and i have it just as i want it ill let you now and by the whey dont judge it by its mabey 1 to 2 spelling and grammer errors just becouse its going to a revising phase but thanks and ill rewrite it to where theres no mistakes but im not changing the plot of this chapter as its very important in chapters to come Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miranda_Cosgrove14 Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 descent. 6/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyberdude Posted January 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 ok can you provide suggestions on how to make it better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 It's okay. I hope you improve later on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.