Yu-Gi-Oh! Bound Through Blood

[The Final Messenger]

Lol I found your dA account and your pics

[The True Ace Attorney]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... 'Nother Chapter's popped by.

[The Final Messenger]

So who is the main antagonist?

[The True Ace Attorney]

To be revealed at a later date. I'd rather not go all black and white with the characters immediately. I'd rather introduce characters first as well as build up some weird happenings. Then I'll explain everything with technobabble! The greatest explanations known to man!

[Dr. Cakey]

[spoiler='Growing Praise and Adulation Episode 2: A Yu-Gi-Oh! Holo-novel']“Bloody thing!” SMASH!
[b]Aw, and this seemed so promising. This piece of dialogue here should have its own paragraph and not be attached to the rest. Basically, dialogue should always have its own paragraph, excluding any “[X] said” business, or when two pieces of dialogue sandwich something. Easy mistake. No, my real problem is with this sound effect here. Literary types call this onomatopoeia. I believe the most advanced book I read with onomatopoeia in it was [i]Animorphs[/i]. Great, now I have to riddle this review with [i]Animorphs [/i]references.[/b]

The top-most window of a three story building erupts
Erupts? Hasn’t Crab Helmet already gone over this with you people? Stories are written in past tense. Unless, I suppose, you’re writing experimental literature. (Protip: ur not ritign expremental liturichur k?)

into shard
[b]The plural of shard is shards, or possibly shardz. Shard is not like moose, or…great, now I’m blanking on words that are the same singular as plural. Or are you conveying that the window erupt[s]s[/s]ed into a single shard of glass? Because then it wouldn’t really be erupting.[/b]

of glass as a small metal box flies outwards from the inside.
[b]Let me get this straight: the box (small and metal) flew out from the inside? You sure out flew [i]out[/i] from the [i]inside[/i], not [i]out[/i] from the [i]outside[/i]? Incidentally, I was hoping that present tense was just a one-time mistake, but it is not so.[/b]

The metal box flies through the air and gets several meters from the house
[b]It ‘gets’ several meters from the house? ‘Getting’ indicates an attempt, which is why dastardly criminals ‘get away’ with stuff. To substitute a synonym, the box “managed to fly several meters from the house”. But the box probably has no burning desire to leave. Of course, why am I complaining about this when I could just be ranting about a certain noun just a few words away…[/b]

before it finally falls to the floor,
[b]Now normally I’d expect it to fall to the ground, but I realize that this is actually subtle foreshadowing that this entire story is actually taking place in a holodeck and this is just an exceptionally bad episode of [i]Star Trek: Voyager[/i].[/b]

it’s lock shattering to reveal a mass of Duel Monster cards.
[b]The game is Duel Monsters, not Duel Monster. Did a plural noun kill your parents or something? For anyone who found the offensive, please substitute “kill your parents” with “steal your lunch money”.[/b]

On the other side of the shattered window something rather somewhat similar is happening.
[b]You mean another box is shattering to reveal Duel Monster card(s)?[/b]

A man in his twenties, with black, elbow-length hair was punching one of the rather immobile brick walls that surrounded him in the large, empty, white room. Withdrawing his right hand in pain, keeling over and gagging, the young man begins to wretch violently.
No, this is definitely nothing like a box shattering.

In between the loud outbursts of violent choking the dull thud of stairs
[b]Stairs don’t thud. Feet [i]on[/i] stairs thud, but stairs tend to keep to themselves.[/b]

is heard on the other side of the stairs.
[b]Is heard? How many times does Crab Helmet need to tell you? You aren’t writing a bloody screenplay! There’s no ten-billion megapixel camera with Dolby 5.1 (or whatever we’re on) surround sound and a built-in muffin button to dispassionately record the sound. Your medium is the [i]written word[/i].[/b]

As the thudding gets louder the gap between the noises is decreasing in size as who or whatever ever starts running upwards.
[b]I had to read this sentence about three times before I figured out that somebody was running up the stairs. Oh, and by the by, my mental picture beforehand had the stairs descending, not ascending. Thought you should know.[/b]

Suddenly, the loud clicking of a lock is heard and a woman, who looked
[b]There’s something odd about this verb. Oh. It’s in past tense, now. Look, if you pick a tense, please stick with it, unless you’re writing (say it with me) experimental literature.
[/b]
not quite as old as the gagging man and with hair cut fairly shorter than his and not even reaching past her shoulders, rushed into the room with a large metal bucket.
[b]This is okay description, but maybe you should consider placing it in a more appropriate place. Say, not while a box of Duel Monster cards has flown out of the window, shattering a suspiciously fragile lock while a strange man suffers a bout of…something. Right now, I’m not even sure if this is real or we’re on a holodeck, so maybe you’re giving me too much to handle.[/b]

Crouching beside the man and offering the bucket to him, she steps back quickly as he snatches it from her, bows his head over and begins to vomit horrendously. Leaving him to himself, the woman starts to leave until she notices the shattered window. Turning towards the now extremely pale green coloured man with a look of exasperated fury
[b]Exasperated fury? This isn’t technically redundant, since exasperation and fury aren’t synonyms, but they’re close. It’s like describing something as a tan brown. You still have to pick one.[/b]

she muttered with an extremely obvious tone of annoyance, “What is your problem?”
[b]She wasn’t just annoyed, she had a [i]tone[/i] of annoyance. An [i]obvious[/i] tone of annoyance. An [i]extremely[/i] obvious tone of annoyance. If you haven’t figured it out, every word after ‘muttered’ is wasted space. And space is time, and time is money, so you’ve just wasted my money.[/b]

As the man opened his mouth to answer her, his eyes open wide in shock and his face drains of more colour
[b]It never drained of color. I distinctly remember it being green-colo(u)red. Don’t worry, I’m not so hopelessly American that I’m going to complain about that ‘u’.[/b]

as he returns to vomiting in the quickly filling bucket. Shaking her head, the woman leaves the room, telling the man not to move.

As she heads down the stairs, the man stands up shakily and heads towards the broken window. As he stares out he sees the woman bending over to collect the scattered cards. As she stands up and heads back inside, the man heads over to the wall opposite the door and slides downwards with his back to the wall. As he finally gets somewhat comfortable and no longer feels like vomiting, the woman walks into the room again, now with the small metal case of cards attached to her waist.
[b]She has a magic Card Collector (TM) on her wrist? Usually I just put the cards in my pocket our something, but that’s me.[/b]

Giving the man a stern look and sitting just in front of him.
[b]To quote Foe Fiction #Somethingorother, This is not a sentence. This is a phrase, but it is not a sentence. It has no subject.[/b]

The jeans she wore looked rather small and just barely reached past her knees. Coupled with the tight white t-shirt gave off the impression that she had suddenly grown to her size.

Taking the mans hand
[b]My Word dictionary appears to have a ‘mans’, but hell if I know what it means. Oh, you’re trying to form a possessive. Proofread, please.[/b]

and staring into his eyes, with quite a bit of effort considering that his face was quite heavily veiled by his hair, she said quietly, “You need to calm down. I know it’s hard for you sometimes but you shouldn’t be throwing things through windows.” The woman slowly handed the metal case back to the man. As she did so, he sat silently and stared into her bright green eyes which were not remotely hidden by her blonde hair.
[b]ohai u can see her eyez btw k?[/b]

As he took the case he muttered a quiet “Thank you” and she stood up and left, he stared blankly at his reflection in the metal case. As he stared lifelessly into the case, a pair of dull, faded blue stared lifelessly back.
[b]A pair of dull, faded blue…eyes? I’m going to say they’re jeans. Oh, and you doubled up on lifelessly there. Assuming these blue eyes are some kind of Evil Spirit of Evil and not just that his eyes magically turn blue when reflected in deck boxes, I’d expect them to be active.[/b]

Half an hour later, he left the room and headed downstairs to the kitchen where a scintillating smell of bacon was lingering in the air and a sandwich lay on the table. Picking up the food and slowly ate the food.
[b]That is…not a sentence. Also, a sandwich is not a food, it is a sandwich. Sandwiches are food, but they are also objects. Would I say that he picked up the object and ate it (and yeah, you doubled ‘food’, too)?[/b]

Sitting down at the table that stood so proudly in the centre of the room,
[b]The table stood proudly? First of all, tables are usually low, so they usually don’t stand. Pedestals stand. Besides, I’m picturing a pretty ordinary kitchen table – my kitchen table isn’t particularly proud. Do you think that because it’s the biggest thing in the room it receives the ‘proud’ property?
Also centre lolBritish[/b]

he turned his head up and looked towards the woman who was still waiting for her food to be ready. Clearing his throat, the man started a conversation. “So… How’s you’re day been?”
[b]Just in case you assumed he was monologuing, it is helpfully pointed out that he is in fact beginning a conversation.[/b]

“Just great,” she said with a heavy tone of sarcasm. “I’ve had to look after a violently puking twenty three year old, pick up his cards that he left laying around after a tantrum and now I’ve probably burnt my lunch.”
[b]Did you burn the sandwich? Because I thought you said the bacon smelled succulent, not burnified.[/b]

The way she spoke to the man probably would’ve been thought of as rude by others but he knew she was joking.
[b]Lots of guys think that. These guys usually end up dead right after someone took out a big life insurance policy out on them.[/b]

He knew her too well for her to surprise him with harsh words anyway. As she began to eat her probably burnt sandwich, she asked him, “What were you throwing metal cases around for anyway?” The man gave her a guilty look, similar to one a child might give if they’ve ripped a school uniform three days before term started.
[b]Daw, I smashed a window and suddenly vomited. I’m such a stinker.[/b]

“New job. Feeling a little nervous.” The woman gave a little laugh.
“I think throwing metal cases through windows is a little more than nervous. Besides, what’s there to be nervous about? You’ve been promoted haven’t you?”
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll still be treated the same. Nobody cares what you are after promotion. They’ll still treat you like you’re the new guy.”
[b]Except when you can fire them. Then they tend to treat you with more respect.[/b]

“Oh calm down. Look I’ll drop you off in five minutes. You can get your needles and head off on your job.”
“Fair enough.” The man got to his feet and slipped on a pair of trainers. As he left to leave the house, he took a quick look in the mirror. He looked presentable. He didn’t look like too much of a homeless guy for there to be any trouble over it.
[b]So he only looked slightly homeless? Does he look like someone whose home was just foreclosed (lolcurrentevents)?[/b]

His baggy black t-shirt was matched in shabbiness by his dark green tracksuit bottoms. Putting a hand through his hair and pulling the hair from his face he thought that he’d at least get his needles.
[b]wtf are these needles, anyway? I thought this was a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, not…well, the only things I can think of that use needles are tattooing and several forms of drugs. Oh, and sewing. None of these seem likely.[/b]

As the woman shouted to leave,
[b]It’s been five minutes already? Should I assume from now on that every two sentences equals about five minutes?[/b]

the man left the house and hopped in the car waiting for her. As she climbed in and started the engine, she turned to him and said casually, “You’re looking better.”
“Yeah.” He said back. “Bacon’ll do that to the dead.” Laughingly politely at his rather meagre
[b]So [i]this[/i] is what ‘meager’ looks like in London.[/b]

joke they drove off. As they turned a corner and headed onto the motorway that ran throughout New Domino, the woman turned back to him and said, slightly more seriously than before, “You are feeling better aren’t you?
[b]Unfortunately, she failed to end her quotation, meaning that apparently every other word in the story was part of her dialog.[/b]

“Of course. I’m not puking am I?” He answered casually. He brought the window down and rested his arms on the door. The wind felt good and the rushing noise put reality away for a moment. Five years ago, an epidemic broke out in the city.
[b]He opened the window. Then, five years ago, an epidemic broke out. This is NOT. A. TRANSITION.[/b]

A travelling man had contracted some form of flu and brought it in. It caused massive nausea in those that caught it and the vomiting that was brought around as a result was so severe that several hundred people died of dehydration. Fortunately the mortality rate wasn’t high enough to cause massive panic and the virus was somewhat treatable though not curable though even with the treatment it was still contagious and the forces that be made the choice to essentially quarantine New Domino.
[b]So, 1) the mortality rate wasn’t high. 2) It could be treated. 3) It couldn’t be cured. 4) It was contagious. 5) New Domino City was quarantined. You probably could have used a comma or two.[/b]

The city still functions as it always did but any outside trading is done through the government and as an incentive to keep the potentially dying population, the government regularly releases the treatment through different ways in order to keep the people alive.
[b]This sentence doesn’t make sense. Am I missing something? Wait, is the government releasing the treatment as an incentive for people to stay?[/b]

Most of the treating medicine is usually delivered through the general reports and research being performed on the illness but anyone with a job that holds a role in morale boosting activities that keeps morale up, going from television presenters to sports commentators to students at duel academy, are given medicine regularly.
[b]Yes, because those are the most important people in society.[/b]

Fortunately, the man thought, getting a job at one of these places or getting an enrolment in the academy was difficult due to the bad condition most people were left in.
[b]Yeah, it’s a [i]good[/i] thing not many people can qualify to get medicine regularly.[/b]

As the car arrived at the large white gates and a small hatch slid open on the station to their left and heavily covered head popped out and the woman begin searching in the glove box for something.
[b]And then she found it and it was a thing and it was shiny and special. Incidentally, this is actually several incomplete phrases – there isn’t actually any sentence here.
[/b]
As she found what she was looking for and had shown it to the guard, the guard nodded and the getes
[b]Getes? I thought you spell-checked this.[/b]

opened. The man saw in the mirror of the car that she had flashed a badge with the words “Dr. Maria Legardo” deeply embossed upon it. The car drove up to the entrance to a large pristine building and Maria turned to the man and said, “Remember, the treatment station is the second left through this door. You should be able to find your way after you’ve been treated.” She leant
[b]I’m pretty sure it’s ‘leaned’.[/b]

over and hugged him. “It’s good that you got this. Really.”
[b]Um…no s***? Now he can has get medicine, right?[/b]

The man opened the door of the car and climbed out while muttering an embarrassed “Thanks.” before closing the door and leaving through the entrance of the massive building.

As he headed down the corridor and into the room where the treatment was being administered through some rather large looking needles, he started to speak to the head doctor,
[b]Who came from where, exactly? At least I get what the needles are for, now.[/b]

but before he could start, he was being ordered over behind one of the many curtains. As he came through, he was immediately thrust down onto a chair by a rather disgruntled looking man. As the needle pierced his arm and the liquid in the needle was forced into his bloodstream, the male nurse pushed him out. Rubbing his arm, the man left the room, turned left and continued down the corridor until he came to a large locker room that was coated in a light shade of lilac. An announcement was made asking for free staff to report to the elevator. Walking at a slow speed after the signs that pointed out where “the elevator” was, the man took in little about his surroundings. It seemed like a rather bland hospital though with less dying people. As the man arrived at a much larger corridor he saw a large mass of metal that was presumably a large elevator for large things like helicopters or elephants.
[b]Was that supposed to be a joke?[/b]

As he approached the elevator he was given a badge, a duel disc and a deck of Duel Monsters cards. He stood slightly taken aback at this sudden action and sighed as the loud mechanical noise that was unmistakeably the elevator beginning its ascent began to emanate around him. As the elevator arrived at the top and searchlight flashed and targeted him. Suddenly the loud and extremely familiar voice of the Duel Monsters commentator burst into his head.
[b]Don’t you mean ‘Duel Monster commentator’? Are you referring to him as familiar and stuff because we should be recognizing him as Mr. EVERYBODY LISTEN!!!!! (who I think might actually have a name) from 5D’s? And his voice did not ‘burst in the man’s head’, unless he was communicating telepathically, which I doubt.[/b]

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE YET ANOTHER ROADBLOCK FOR THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE! BUT THE QUESTION IS: WILL HE BE THE WALL THAT CAUSES THEM TO HALT IN THEIR TRACKS OR WILL HE SIMPLY BE THE SPEEDBUMP ON THEIR WAY TO GLORY?! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME… PROFESSOR HUGH ELDERRY!!!”
[b]I feel like there’s some sort of joke I could make involving his name and elderberries.[/b]

The lights in Hugh’s eyes dimmed and all around him he could see the cheering and screaming faces of thousands of duel hungry spectators. His time as a professor at Duel Academy had started with a public show of beating the hopes of enrolment out of a potential student.

Woo…

[b]Woo indeed, Hugh. This was at least adequately long, but I can hardly recommend this as much better than the previous fic. It spent most of its time in present tense, which occasionally quit to go sulk in a corner. And then there were the sentence fragments, and the over-writing, and so forth. You could probably get a job writing those choose-your-own adventure stories, since those are in present tense. I think Animorphs had two of those. I guess that’s my only Animorphs reference. And I didn’t really give my holodeck running joke any closure. Oh well.

Computer, end program Cakey_2.
[/b][/spoiler]