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Duel Academy: A New Age - The Fan Fic | Chapter 2 up!

valliant12

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valliant12

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[spoiler=Prologue]
At Fraser Island, Australia, a new structure had arisen, Duel Academy: Fraser Island. Will you seek knowledge, fame, power, or something else...the choice is yours. In this fan-fic, you will meet Max Osiru, a boy of 14 who is wanting to be the best duellist, or something like that. This is Fraser Academy.
[/spoiler]
[hr]
[spoiler='Chapter 1 - Arise! Elemental Dragon - Hi the Blaze!']
‘Your written tests are now over, please hand them to the front.’ Max walked over to where the examiner was standing. ‘Ahh, Max Osiru, I know your sister, Emily,’ he said looking down at Max’s name on the paper. ‘Top of the class she is...okay. Go through that door there,’ he jerked his thumb behind him, towards a marvellous, chrome door, ‘and wait for your practical examination.’

‘Okay, th –’ but the examiner was already talking to the next student.

‘Max! Hey Max!’ a girl was calling him from the door.

‘Oh, hi Crystal’ Crystal Irusho, a girl of Irish background, had long, dark brown hair, blue eyes, and was tall for her age, 14. She was also Max’s girlfriend.

‘Nice holiday?’ Max had spent the summer in New Zealand, with his aunt and uncle.

‘Yeah, it wasn’t bad, you?’

‘Glad it’s over, parents were a nightmare.’

‘Let me guess, “Did you pack your deck?”, “That’s not that boy you’re always hanging around with is it?”’

Crystal laughed, ‘Nearly there, you forgot “Did you wash your hair?”’

Suddenly the door opened again, ‘Will any of you be able to tag-duel?’

Max and Crystal exchanged looks. ‘We will!’

‘Do you know the rules?’

‘Sure, we always tag-duelled back at home.’

‘Okay, settled then, you will find your opponents down the back end.’

Max hadn’t noticed that room. He and Crystal entered.

‘You will not defeat me.’ His opponent was in Ocean Blue, and already Max didn’t like him.

‘Whatever. Let’s just end this.’ Max and Crystal activated their disks.

‘Not fair! It’s one on one, or two on two!’

‘Two on two then.’ was Max’s reply.

‘Fine. OI, JONES!’ he bellowed, ‘GET HERE!’

‘Yes?’ a small boy from Coral Red hastily walked over. ‘Oh, tag-duelling.’

[b]Max: 4000
Crystal: 4000
?: 4000
Jones: 4000[b]

‘I’ll go first!’ said Max, drawing a card. ‘First I activate the Spell Card, Black Whirlwind!’

[center][color="#008080"]Black Whirlwind[/color]
Spell Card
Continuous
When a "Blackwing" monster is Normal Summoned to your side of the Field, you can add 1 "Blackwing" monster from your Deck to your hand that has less ATK than that monster.[/center]

‘Next I Normal Summon [color="#000000"]Blackwing – Shura the Blue Flame[/color]’

[center][color="#9932CC"]Blackwing – Shura the Blue Flame[/color]
Winged Beast / Effect
Level 4
1800 / 1200
When this card destroys an opponent's monster by battle and sends it to the Graveyard, you can Special Summon 1 "Blackwing" monster with 1500 or less ATK from your Deck. That monster's effect (s) is negated.
[/center]
Thanks to my Spell’s effect, I can add Breeze the Zephyr to my hand.

[center][color="#9932CC"]Blackwing – Breeze the Zephyr[/color]
Winged Beast / Tuner
Level 3
1100 / 1300
If this card is added from your Deck to your hand by a Spell, Trap or Effect Monster’s effect, you can Special Summon this card. This card cannot be used to Synchro Summon a Synchro Monster except a "Blackwing" monster.[/center]

I can then Special Summon it due to my Zephyr’s effect. Next I Special Summon two of my Blackwing – Bora the Spears. I set a card and end my turn!’

[center][color="#9932CC"]Blackwing – Bora the Spear[/color]
Winged Beast / Effect
Level 4
1700 / 800
If you control a "Blackwing" monster other than "Blackwing - Bora the Spear", you can Special Summon this card from your hand. During battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent.
[/center]
‘My move, draw!’ exclaimed the Blue duellist.

[/spoiler]
[hr]
[spoiler=Chapter 2 - Arise! Elemental Dragon - Hi the Blaze! Part 2]

[b]Max: 4000
?: 4000
Crystal: 4000
Jones: 4000[/b]

‘My turn, draw!’

Max Osiru, a 14 year-old boy from the outskirts of Brisbane City, Australia, was currently engaged in a tag-duel with his girlfriend, Crystal Natos. His opposition was some kid called “Jones” and another bloke from Blue Dorm whose name Max didn’t know. In the duel, Max had just made the first turn and was waiting for the stranger to make his move.

‘I summon Ghost Knight in Attack Position!’

[center][color="#9932CC"]Ghost Knight[/color]
Warrior / Immune / Effect
Level 4
1800 / 1200
As long as this card is face-up on the Field, you can discard 1 card to halve any damage you take.[/center]

A pale knight in grey armour materialised out of thin air.

‘What’s so special about that?’ asked Crystal. ‘It has no effect, [i]and[/i] it’s weaker than Max’s Synchro.’

Max was the one who answered this. ‘It’s Immune.’

‘What?’

‘Immune is a sub-type of monster, like Gemini or Union. The thing about Immune monsters, you see, is that they can only battle other Immune monsters.’

‘So he can’t attack?’ enquired Crystal. ‘What good is that?’

‘Ahh, but he can. You’ll see.’

‘But you ju-’

‘Have you two finished yet? I’m trying to make my move!’ shouted the stranger from the other end.

‘Sorry, Bluey,’ replied Max. ‘Continue.’

‘Thank you. Now my Knight, attack him directly!’

Bluey’s Knight charged at Max, lance raised-

‘As I knew you would!’ exclaimed Max, countering. ‘Scrap-Iron Scarecrow!’

[center][color="#FF00FF"]Scrap-Iron Scarecrow[/color]
Trap Card
Normal
Activate only when an opponent's monster declares an attack. Negate the attack, and Set this card face-down again instead of sending it to the Graveyard.[/center]

The knight stopped, turned around, and headed back towards Bluey. Then Max’s Trap flipped back over.

‘Fine, I set a card and end my turn’

‘My turn, Draw!’ said Crystal. ‘Yes! I Summon Fortune Lady Wind, destroying your face-down!’

[center][color="#00FF00"]Fortune Lady Wind[/color]
Spellcaster / Effect
Level 3
This card's ATK and DEF are equal to its Level x 300. During each of your Standby Phases, increase the Level of this card by 1 (max 12). When this card is Normal Summoned, you can destroy a number of Spell or Trap Cards your opponent controls equal to the number of face-up "Fortune Lady" monsters you control.[/center]

Bluey’s face-down flipped over, Spirit Barrier. Then it shattered.

[center][color="#FF00FF"]Spirit Barrier[/color]
Trap Card
Continuous
While you control a monster(s), you take no Battle Damage.[/center]

‘There goes that plan.’ he sighed to himself.

‘Fortune Lady Wind, Attack!’

‘Ahh sh-’

[b]Max: 4000
Crystal: 4000
?: 3100
Jones: 4000[/b]

‘I end my turn.’
[/spoiler]
[hr]
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Anbu-of-Sand Newbie

Anbu-of-Sand

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Posted
Prologue is too short. Different, but short.

First chapter is okay, but if it wasn't for all the spacing out, is as short as hell. You need more detail in simple things, from what the person is saying, to what the person is wearing. The characters at times also lack expressions. It's like a monotone conversation is happening throughout the whole time, but every few seconds you would see a '!' and get a tiny bit excited.

In short, more detail, and make the chapters longer. Leaving the reader in suspense isn't that bad either. It's a decent fan fic, but it slightly reminds me of the GX series.
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Twig Newbie

Twig

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Posted
Maybe a review will help you?

[quote name='Absol King' timestamp='1282546906' post='4556555']
[spoiler=Prologue]
At Fraser Island, Australia, a new structure had arisen, Duel Academy: Fraser Island. Will you seek knowledge, fame, power, or something else...the choice is yours.

[b]This isn't an RP, bud. Talking in second person is awkward.[/b]

In this fan-fic, you will meet Max Osiru, a boy of 14 who is wanting to be the best duellist, or something like that.

[b]You're breaking the Show Don't Tell Rule. It would have been better if you explained this through the story. And get rid of the beginning. Don't ever do that. Not in an essay, not in a fanfic, not in any form of writing!

What's with the end of the sentence. Are you not sure of what you're going to write?

So far, the only interesting part of the story here is that it's in Australia. The whole thing is just cliched. Replace Duel Academy with Kanto, replace [s]duelist[/s] duellist with Pokemon Trainer, and you'll have yourself a Pokemon Fanfic. That's how dull this is so far.[/b]

This is Fraser Academy.

[b]Thank you Captain Obvious. Wait, that's the prologue? That was just four sentences.[/b]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler='Chapter 1 - Arise! Elemental Dragon - Hi the Blaze!']
‘Your written tests are now over, please hand them to the front.’ Max walked over to where the examiner was standing. ‘Ahh, Max Osiru, I know your sister, Emily,’ he said looking down at Max’s name on the paper. ‘Top of the class she is...okay. Go through that door there,’ he jerked his thumb behind him, towards a marvellous, chrome door, ‘and wait for your practical examination.’

[b]It's "" not ''. This part is actually okay. It has some grammar errors, but overall, it's okay.[/b]

‘Okay, th –’ but the examiner was already talking to the next student.

‘Max! Hey Max!’ a girl was calling him from the door.

‘Oh, hi Crystal’ Crystal Irusho, a girl of Irish background, had long, dark brown hair, blue eyes, and was tall for her age, 14. She was also Max’s girlfriend.

[b]We get description of Crystal before we even get description of Max. You're telling a lot, but not enough showing.[/b]

‘Nice holiday?’ Max had spent the summer in New Zealand, with his aunt and uncle.

‘Yeah, it wasn’t bad, you?’

‘Glad it’s over, parents were a nightmare.’

‘Let me guess, “Did you pack your deck?”, “That’s not that boy you’re always hanging around with is it?”’

Crystal laughed, ‘Nearly there, you forgot “Did you wash your hair?”’

[b]It took me a few seconds to figure out they were imitating Crystal's parents, but it took me a minute to figure out who was saying this and that. It will be helpful to add "said" and or a synonym of "said". [/b]

Suddenly the door opened again, ‘Will any of you be able to tag-duel?’

[b]Who's this?[/b]

Max and Crystal exchanged looks. ‘We will!’

‘Do you know the rules?’

‘Sure, we always tag-duelled back at home.’

[b]Who's talking?[/b]

‘Okay, settled then, you will find your opponents down the back end.’

Max hadn’t noticed that room. He and Crystal entered.

[b]Things are happening so quickly with little description that it's hard to picture them. And you have these two pointless sentences. Why would I care that Max didn't notice the room? And oh my gosh! I was so thrilled when they entered! Max and Crystal entering was the best part of this chapter.

Anbu mentioned how dull the conversation were. I don't need to read a conversation about what happened over the Summer.[/b]

‘You will not defeat me, yes?’ His opponent was in Ocean Blue, and already Max didn’t like him.

[b]Ocean blue? Are you talking about his clothes?

And what made Max not like him? Was it the way he worded his sentence? Is Max a grammar nazi? Still we have no description of Max or his opponent.[/b]

'Whatever. Let’s just end this.’ Max and Crystal activated their disks.

[b]Who's talking? Both of them?[/b]

‘Not fair! It’s one on one, or two on two!’

‘Two on two then.’ was Max’s reply.

‘Fine. OI, JONES!’ he bellowed, ‘GET HERE!’

‘Yes?’ a small boy from Coral Red hastily walked over. ‘Oh, tag-duelling.’

[b]What? Lack of description is confusing me. A person randomly calls Max and Crystal to a Tag Duel, but the person they're dueling isn't even ready? Then the guy calls some random fellow who we don't even know and just joins? I'm confused.[/b]

Max: 4000
Crystal: 4000
?: 4000
Jones: 4000

‘I’ll go first!’ said Max, drawing a card. ‘First I activate the Spell Card, Black Whirlwind! Next I summon Blackwing – Shura the Blue Flame, thanks to my Spell’s effect, I can add
Breeze the Zephyr to my hand. I can then Special Summon it due to my Zephyr’s effect. Next I Special Summon two of my Blackwing – Bora the Spears. I tune my Zephyr with a Bora to Synchro Summon Armed Wing! I set a card and end my turn!’

‘My move, draw!’ exclaimed the Blue duellist.

[b]Wait? That's your ending? If you're trying to make a cliffhanger, you're doing it wrong. This just feels that you suddenly stopped writing. But the good thing is that I don't have to review a duel! I noticed how duelist kept getting spelled incorrectly. You obviously didn't spellcheck and or proofread.

Ehh, at least it's a tag duel between students rather than Max dueling a duel tester, but it's still cliched. It feels like another Duel Academy fic. Nothing special. It might be boring to me because you're just introducing the characters, but nothing here interests me.

You need much more description and detail. Since you're just in the introduction stage, I think a little bit of foreshadowing might help to catch my attention. Otherwise, it'll be dull and boring.[/b]
[/spoiler]
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