emopirate Posted August 7, 2010 Report Share Posted August 7, 2010 Hey guys, I just want to share a song that i've made. I want to know if it is good or not so please do comment and pinpoint the goods and the bads of the lyrics. This song resembles those kids in the street, begging for food and money and drinks. This scenario happens a lot in poorer countries.This song is also for those who lost their ways, wishing for a change.Date Written: 7th August 2010, Saturday Take Me HomeBy: Aedrian Tondo I.Another year has goneSince I lost my homeI'm standing in the coldAnother drop of tearsWaiting for hopeI don't know where to go Oh you Chorus:Take me home, take me homeDon't leave me all aloneI don't know where I amTake me home, take me homeI can't walk on my ownI don't know who I am II.Another wish to shareBut no one’s here to hearI have nothing to say Another hand to closeI Can't keep holding onI can't keep moving on Oh you Chorus:Take me home, take me homeDon't leave me all aloneI don't know where I amTake me home, take me homeI can't walk on my ownI don't know who I am Bridge.I still have air to breathI still have time to thinkI'll find my way out of here Take me home, take me homeDon't leave me all aloneI don't know where I am Chorus:Take me home, take me homeDon't leave me all aloneI don't know where I am (Don't know where I am)Take me home, take me homeI can't walk on my ownI don't know who I am (Don't know who I am)Take me home, take me homeDon't leave me all aloneI don't know where I amTake me home, take me homeI can't walk on my ownI don't know who I am Take me home, Take me homeTake me home, take me homeTake me home, take me homeTake me home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faun Posted September 9, 2010 Report Share Posted September 9, 2010 Structure:Six line verses seem a bit strange to me. Please restructure it for us to understand how it may sound. 1 line for every 4 bars maybe?Mhm, no rhymes, okay. I know rhymes are pop but I for one love good rhymes. Content:Take me home, you get the song's message. But over all it's to general. You don't care about someone you do not get to know. Tell us who he is and we will care or his dreadful destiny. I assume that it's not you. Believe me, it is way too difficult to sing from an imaginary point of view AND make it emotionally. There are some people who can (Johnny Cash ie) but most of them can not.Unity by unit:First verse: Someone lost his home? That is interesting. Tell us about the reasons.Second verse: Another wish to share but nothing to say? Quiet paradoxical. I don't get the hand to close metaphor.Bridge: Way out of where? You did not manage to explain his situation. Go specific!Chorus: The chorus is simple but okay. But it doesn't make any sense after the "I'll find my way out of here". Alternate it. Music: Songs without a music is nothing but boring. Tell us the chords. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emopirate Posted September 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 Structure:Six line verses seem a bit strange to me. Please restructure it for us to understand how it may sound. 1 line for every 4 bars maybe?Mhm, no rhymes, okay. I know rhymes are pop but I for one love good rhymes. Content:Take me home, you get the song's message. But over all it's to general. You don't care about someone you do not get to know. Tell us who he is and we will care or his dreadful destiny. I assume that it's not you. Believe me, it is way too difficult to sing from an imaginary point of view AND make it emotionally. There are some people who can (Johnny Cash ie) but most of them can not.Unity by unit:First verse: Someone lost his home? That is interesting. Tell us about the reasons.Second verse: Another wish to share but nothing to say? Quiet paradoxical. I don't get the hand to close metaphor.Bridge: Way out of where? You did not manage to explain his situation. Go specific!Chorus: The chorus is simple but okay. But it doesn't make any sense after the "I'll find my way out of here". Alternate it. Music: Songs without a music is nothing but boring. Tell us the chords. Content:I did not imagine this up. I have a cousin who lost her way and now she's a drug addict....Bridge: "I'll find my way out of here" - it means to find the way out of this situation - being homelessCHorus: Ok....i'll fix it after the "I'll find my way out of here" Music: it has the melody already but i still keep on changing the chords..no final chords yet..but i'll put the chords as soon as i finish it.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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