Role Patroling, with Tainted Black {I'm gonna kill this Sage}

[Sploda]

kthxbye.

 

JK, you know aside from the App part the same general rules apply to Fan-fics as well.

[Guest Tainted Black]

Improvements Post 1

 

[spoiler=Role Patrol 1: A Day in the Life of Sartorious Jr.]

Let me say this first: Grammar and Punctuation are VERY Important to RPs. It's like a fanfic, so try to get better at Grammar and Punctuation.

 

Look, here's what this RP needs: A real Plot, with correct order. You needed to tell why it was bankrupting. It is popular, so there is no reason for it to up and die. You need to give reasons, and how it began to dilapidated. Now, You will have gotten started. 2 new dorms are also unneeded. Then you need to keep the buyer unknown, as you said at the beginning. You should not announce his identity. You really should not even hint, but you can if you want. Furthermore, The children of Canon Characters are not good for RPs. Seriously. I have an RP where 2 canon characters are in it, as NPCs, to further the plot. They are not my characters, just plot use. So, make a new villain, not an offspring. Oh, and the question you had in this plot? Either remove it (Preferred) or place it at the end.

 

Now, I'll leave the plot, and move on to the so called rules. You need to put good, solid rules. Not Just YCM rules apply. Explain that you are in charge, and arguing is not tolerated. This is your RP, so keep it movin'! You should also put some sort of catch in the rules for app screening, like 'color the last word' or somethin'. By the way, stating you think it has potential does NOT Belong in the rules.

 

Optional Bios are not smart. Seriously, you should have a story for your character. The app also needs other specifications, like an RP sample, differentiation of Teacher/Student roles, and decklist IN a Spoiler. It's unsightly otherwise. This app needs a complete Redo. Add parameters, specifications, and the like, and it'll be good. Again, add RP sample. The sample will judge which dorm they're in. See? Makes everything easier.

 

You need to get rid of the Black Dorm. The White one can stay, if you wish to use the Society of Light. The Black one is the old abandoned Dorm that Jaden went to, and a Shadow Duel took place. No Black dorm.

 

Now, be decisive. Don't be unsure of what you will do. You ARE The Chancellor! You rule the school! Also, as courtesy to the other RPers, you should fill out the same app they do. It puts you on the same level of fairness, and makes the RP more likely to have members join.

 

If you renovated this RP, it might have some of that potential you see.

 

 

[spoiler=Role Patrol 2: Lights! Cameras! FAILURE!]

Well, let me start with this- TDI/A/WT is a show that really belongs on Adult Swim. Naruto was rated PG like TDI, and it was played late at Night, but it was more appropriate than this show. Simply put, it belongs somewhere where you can have a mature RP. That's not YCM, at all.

 

Don't Say Roleplay in italics, that's weird. Do not say no more than 5 lines, that's ludicrous.

 

Next up is the app... Don't say 'Make up a name IF you want' say 'Name'.

 

Also, don't ask if they are going to be active... Just give 'em the boot if they are not.

 

... Not much else I can say.... Sorry. The first part said it all.

 

 

[spoiler=Role Patrol Special 1: Mercy or Idiocy? Ask Palpatine.]

EPILOGUE: The app was accepted into the RP <_<

 

Now, on to the improvements-

We'll start with Zone:

[spoiler=Zone Improvements(Mostly apply to Jasmine too)]

First off, he needs to be younger... maybe about 35. 40 just seems a bit old. Also, last names do not bite. Use them. Do NOT use Kenobi, Skywalker, etc.

 

Next is the Appearance... Unless that is EXACTLY how he is supposed to look, make it a description, k? Chances are it's not, unless you drew it. (Still looks like Dark Signer Sith Kakashi XD)

 

Ok, now this personality.... it needs to be redone. Delete all seven words, and start from scratch. Do not stop until there are at least five 6+ word sentences. Do not keep him as a generic badboy, as those tend to tick people off.

 

Yes, the Biography covers all the basic info, but you seriously need to expand. More backstory, and more present history. I'm not saying make it a novel, but make it longer.

 

Now, the Keyblade image annoys me, but I understand it can be difficult to describe appearances of such an unorthodox weapon. Attempt to describe, at least, before using a pic.

 

Finally, now that I know what the 'Galaxy far, far away' was used for, I'm a bit softer... but still, I'm not the biggest fan of it. A world from that Galaxy would be nice here.

 

 

[spoiler=Other Jasmine Improvements]

Give her a new name. Seriously. Two Jasmines is too many.

 

Oddly, I actually LIKE this pic. I still prefer description, but at least she looks like a Jedi.

 

NEVER say the same phrase twice, especially phrases like 'And stuff'.

 

 

Comin' Soon

 

 

[spoiler=Role Patrol 3: Digimon, Digital monsters, screwing up our nature!]

Hardrive City... Rename it. This is too cutesy and juvenile.

 

USE CAPITAL LETTERS RAEG!!!! No, seriously. Capitalize more.

 

Expand more on the plot. You condensed the info too much.

 

Make Big C's partial identity less obvious, if you can. DO tell why he is gone.

 

Elaborate on Bommon.

 

Tell the story of Big C and Poyomon in detail.

 

Semicolon + But = No.

 

Clarify... is Gargoylemon important?

 

The rules are almost flawless. Tone down the harsh parts a little bit. Also, make it so you choose Big C or the Chief.

 

The App was also good, but it needed Limits on how small it can be, and maybe an RP Sample.

 

Do these things, and watch the success.

 

 

 

 

[Shadow Zero]

Read the first one. Didn't even need all the pointing out to see how full of fail that one was. Anyway, do you take requests for rp reviews? Just wondering.

[Guest Tainted Black]

.... Yes, I do... why?

[Shadow Zero]

I had a few rp's that I was wanting to review. xD

[Guest Tainted Black]

.... Links? I will not be any nicer because it's you.

[Shadow Zero]

lol Oooh, a demanding one. lol Okay then, Here they are. I look forward to the reviews on them.

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/183955-demensiatraveling-through-rps-of-ycm-acceptingcurrently-verdiniaiverada/page__p__3779999__fromsearch__1#entry3779999

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/204901-war-of-darkness-ooc-thread/page__p__4254176__fromsearch__1#entry4254176

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/208057-the-last-war-of-super-heros-a-rp820-club-roleplaynot-startedaccepthing/page__p__4338748__fromsearch__1#entry4338748

 

Hopefully that's not to many for you. lol

[Guest Tainted Black]

I'll get to them.

[Shadow Zero]

Okay then. and I shall try to read at least one more review before I have to get off.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

NOTE: This is a special review, having the opening speech slightly different then the original. BTW, I didn't see the Improvements post, so this goes to what you did in the first post of this entire thread.

 

Today is a very special day. Today is the day I see what is wrong with the Fan Fic I have entered and what can possibly be known as "good", along with comedy through and through, if I choose to, that is. If it's bad, I won't come back to the fic. If it's good, I might. It depends on what is new and what can possibly be better, but I highly doubt anything good can come out of certain Fan Fics that I usually enter. But who knows? It depends on how the writer/author would actually make it. Even so, like Foe Fiction, bad Fics always need to be hurt back to understand what they are doing wrong, which at rare times is "always". So let's begin the C-4 Bomb Scan.

 

You want a fancy opening speech like Crab gave you? Go see Crab.

 

Okay, now that's just being lazy. Not making an opening speech yourself but saying "Go see Crab" is pathetic. I would never say that. Ever! So, technically, this is irrelevant. What's the point of saying it anyways? You're too lazy to write an opening speech, but you're not too lazy to just say "Go see Crab"? Pathetic attempt.

 

I'm here to point out the 90%, which in the RP section is more like 96% trash. Go see her Foe Fiction for the rest.

 

*facepalm* Again, you are still too lazy to explain. If you explain in your own words, THEN I might change this comment. But you decide to say that RPs are 96% trash. Impossible. I say it's 60-75% trash. But it's your opinion and I respect that. Just so long as you don't act like me when I first began, yelling at the plot-holes that pop up everywhere.

 

I put on my Crab Helmet, and march into the streets to clean up.

 

*facedesk* Now this is just down-right ridiculous. It's sounding like you're making fun of Crab, saying that you are wearing her, which makes no sense. Clean up what? Your act? Because that's the only mess I see. Anything else is the deluded trash of your reviewing attempts.

 

Role Patrol 1: A Day in the Life of Sartorious Jr.

 

Another Yugioh RP... Another Duel Academy... Oh I remember my younger years... So, I will impart what I have learned. DA RPs CAN last, but YOU NEED A STRAIGHTFORWARD PLOT. Does this guy have one?

 

Maybe, maybe not. It's kinda pointless, asking if the creator has a good, straightforward plot. If you want to know, look for yourself instead of just staying where you are and looking around all willy-nilly!.

 

plot

 

 

Duel academy was about to be shut down until an unknown buyer has bought duel academy. He has added 2 new dorms. Where will you be and will you survive? This new owner was declared and is the son of sartorious, he attracted new students with the newly installed duel runner track and new dorms.

 

Unknown buyer, mysterious, obvious it will be revealed in the R-

*Sees Son of Sartorious*

SPOILER ALERT! Why would you start with Unknown then ANNOUNCE the Unknown Buyer?! You announced the dorms before him as well, without any depth to them. You also put a question to the applicants in the MIDDLE of the plot. Put it at the end if anywhere, but it really should not be there. Period. And the Duel runner Track, yeah? Should have been mentioned when the dorms were initially.

 

Oh, and I forgot to mention lolcanoncharacterkids.

 

I have to agree with you on this one. The possible reason for this is probably because the creator isn't that good with making a good storyline, especially when it comes to Duel Academies. And the lol is irrelevant to what you were doing. So, for the most of it, you are right. But I think the "SPOILER ALERT!" thing was a bit overdoing it, if I may add.

 

rules

 

All YCM rules apply and dont short post i think this has potential

 

*Looks at RP, looks at word potential, RP, potential, RP, potential* Am I reading the same RP?

 

Technically, this is irrelevant. If there was a point as to that comment, you should at least mention it.

 

App

 

Name: OK

age: Good

bio:(optional) Alri- What? OPTIONAL? Thought not required here? Oh, an Idiocracy is born. How Beautiful!

 

I agree. I've seen it for some people, but not all. As long as you don't put sarcasm, you'll be just fine. And it's pronounced "Idiocy", not "Idiocracy".

 

appearence:(pic or description) Pic or description... Hmm... I say only description. Description is much better, and uses your noggin,

personality: Good

decklist:(preferably in spoiler) Not a bad idea, but remove 'preferably'. By the way... Where's Turbo Deck list?

Prefered Dorm: Shouldn't there be a test for this? An RP sample, quality of app, quality of deck, SOMETHING?!

teacher or student: Where is the specification of the roles of teacher and student to the plot? WHERE?!

 

All these comments are basically irrelevant. And since this Duel Academy, there is no Turbo Deck List in any of the stories. And the RP sample, I can agree with, because it is to show how one can do in an average RP of the type. And you're right. There was no explanation as to students and/or teachers in the plot, so basically, that part of the App is absolutely pointless from here on out.

 

Unless this guy made a simple app in order to test people, this app is utter garbage. GARBAGE! I would not feed pigs with it. There are not even length limits!

 

*double facepalm* Just saying it's garbage doesn't mean that you're right? If you were, that would've been a different story. But since it isn't, it's in fact irrelevant. 100% POINTLESS!

 

Slifer red

 

The lowest ranking dorm full of mostly first years.

 

Really? Well, the story is it was just reboought... So, doesn't that mean EVERYONE is a first year? Hm? All the students that weren't new would have left already, and gone somewhere else, logically. Very few would remain.

 

WTF is a "reeboought"? You mean a "reboot"? You really need a dictionary. And you might be right. But you might be wrong as well. Who knows? You might in the middle. It won't matter since this is somewhat irrelevant to the topic at hand.

 

Ra yellow

 

Aaaah, Mediocrity. Every story needs average Joes and Jills.

 

Aaaah, Irrelevance. Every person needs that every now and then. But not today!

 

Obelisk Blue

 

The place to be supposed top ranked dorm but not quite.

 

Not Quite? Supposed to be? Well, why is it not?

 

Why are you asking these questions when they won't be answered?

 

Wicked Black

 

Highest dorm but to the more dark and sinister.

 

Wait, so they are the villains? Well, that would be in the plot wouldn't it? Well, nah! No need for INFO. I'm gonna be a daisy-loving light dresser here! WHEE!

 

Is there a reason as to why you keep making these pointless comments? I mean, if you are to keep doing this, I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

Judgment White

 

Highest dorm more to the honest and light duelists, inspired by society of light.

 

Now Judgement White? My Lord, what is wrong with this kid? Where did these come from? Can I learn about Black and White Dorms? Who is evil? I'm gonna be an Emo badboy in this White dorm. Yes.

 

*facewall* Will you stop with these pointless questions, because they're not going to be answered! If you think you are good with reviewing, then ask questions that you can answer YOURSELF!

 

I will be the chancellor i suppose.

 

The what? I forgot what that meant. It's the one who runs the school, right? Yeah, I'll go with that.

 

*Spews drink out mouth* WHAT?! You GUESS?!?! what do you mean you GUESS?! You own the RP! You need to fill out an app, and need to be decisive! Not 'Well, maybe I'll, no, well gawrsh, what'll I do?'

 

Guess who's sounding like me with MY first attempt at reviewing? If you are going to mock me, don't! Period. I yelled at Fics every now and then, but you overdid it. You were insulting the creator more than the RP itself. That is just being stupid. But I'll agree with the stuff you said to add. True, the creator of an RP needs to be fair, but I'm pretty sure this was mad by a n00b, so he didn't have a clue as to what was going on. And maybe, that n00b doesn't follow rules.

 

Overall... Bad Grammar, bad punctuation, no real plot, no explanations that are needed, and indecisiveness on your role. This RP has tons of potential, oh yes.

 

In conclusion, a prime example of how RPs on YCM have become.

 

Overall, excessive irrelevant comments, pathetic attempts at insults, partially bad grammar, little things that I agree with, and insult, along with mockery, of my reviewing skills. You call yourself a reviewer? Why do I even bother? Since the fact is that every bad fic I enter is just another malfunctioning C-4 Bomb that needs to be scanned for approval and shut off before it detonates the whole place, hypothetically. Luckily, this is just one of your reviews. It's bad(My God, it really is!), but I can tell that if I continue, your overall rating will keep plummeting until you get a ranking of 0.

 

In conclusion, if you want to do reviews, do some research first. Because I can't stand that someone would be this horrible after ONE review. I'm not even going to continue. Now do you see what you did wrong? If you don't, then proofread it continuously until you can get it through that thick skull of yours! -_-

[Guest Tainted Black]

Oh look, you posted YOUR fic in my thread. Get out, seriously.

 

Your fic seems oblivious to theatrical comments such as 'Does this guy have one?'

 

You spent all this time working on it, this obvious flaming.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

This isn't flaming! This is my full opinion! And if you must know, you can't make me leave. I don't care if you made this thread, you can't make me leave without violating the Jack Witt Clause, so leave me alone. I decided to make a review of your first one. Don't whine because I "posted my fic into yours". You are pathetic. Go ahead, report me, neg rep me. It ain't going to get you anywhere!

[Guest Tainted Black]

Actually, you insulted ME so that is breaking the counter clause. Also, you posted a chapter of YOUR Fic in my thread. Spamming. You are flaming and you just won't admit it. You are pursuing me. Guess what? I wrote an improvements sequel to that first review. Did you see it? No. So get out.

[Sploda]

Seriously, If you dislike what Black is doing you can ignore this thread. However,

 

You want a fancy opening speech like Crab gave you? Go see Crab.

 

Okay, now that's just being lazy. Not making an opening speech yourself but saying "Go see Crab" is pathetic. I would never say that. Ever! So, technically, this is irrelevant. What's the point of saying it anyways? You're too lazy to write an opening speech, but you're not too lazy to just say "Go see Crab"? Pathetic attempt.

 

I'm here to point out the 90%, which in the RP section is more like 96% trash. Go see her Foe Fiction for the rest.

 

*facepalm* Again, you are still too lazy to explain. If you explain in your own words, THEN I might change this comment. But you decide to say that RPs are 96% trash. Impossible. I say it's 60-75% trash. But it's your opinion and I respect that. Just so long as you don't act like me when I first began, yelling at the plot-holes that pop up everywhere.

 

I put on my Crab Helmet, and march into the streets to clean up.

 

*facedesk* Now this is just down-right ridiculous. It's sounding like you're making fun of Crab, saying that you are wearing her, which makes no sense. Clean up what? Your act? Because that's the only mess I see. Anything else is the deluded trash of your reviewing attempts.

 

This can be considered flaming as you are directing it at him, not his fic.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

I have the right to post any comments that I want. What makes you think I'll leave? I'm not breaking the Counter Clause either! I admit I am NOT flaming! If you think I'm gonna leave, than kiss my a**! It's a review. I can make any comments I think about your fic. And there's nothing you can do about it. Reviewers can make insults if they want to.

 

And I DID see the Improvements post. Did you my note at the top? No. So STFU!

[Guest Tainted Black]

Creator proved your Flaming. So please, leave.

 

Also, you HAVE broken the counter clause by saying I'm an idiot.

[Sploda]

Honestly if something bugs you and the person isn't going to stop, then just ignore it.

 

@Black

Ignore this guy.

 

@Other Guy

Ignore Black's Thread.

 

There problem solved, now stop arguing before I'm forced to report both of you.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

And you'll be breaking the Jack Witt Clause. It's not my fault that I can review his fic and he's whining about it! He should be the one to just follow my words, or shut up! There, I'm done. Oh, one more thing. How is it spamming when I can review this fic as I see fit? There, NOW I'm done. See ya! Hope you like what I did with this thread! Bye-bye!

[Proto]

Well Swifty's out of the picture....

 

Lost most of my respect for the guy after I actually saw his thread.

 

Black, your first review wasn't that bad for a first review.

 

Hell of a lot better then just flaming the guy like my good friend Swifty did here.

 

Also Swift, why are you saying your not flaming when you are BLATANTLY INSULTING THE PERSON IN QUESTION!

[Kōsuke Ueki]

*facefloor* For the last time, I was not flaming! I have the right as a reviewer to say what I think needs to be said! How is that not clear?

[Sploda]

So you find it necessary to call his effort Pathetic and insult him? I think that the rules need a review if that is true.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

Hey, Crab Helmet did the same to me, so I can tell we reviewers have the right to do so.

[Sploda]

So just because one person insults someone, gives everyone the right to? That is like saying since terrorists use car bombs, everyone can.

 

Who is the bigger idiot? The idiot or the idiot who follows the idiot?

[Headmaster Monokuma]

Oh, don't mind me.

 

Okay' date=' now that's just being lazy. Not making an opening speech yourself but saying "Go see Crab" is pathetic. I would never say that. Ever! So, technically, this is irrelevant. What's the point of saying it anyways? You're too lazy to write an opening speech, but you're not too lazy to just say "Go see Crab"? Pathetic attempt.[/quote']

 

You talk about Black's pointless comments after making this one. Wow, great consistency there. If someone wants to see a big opening post like in FF, then telling them to look at FF is perfectly reasonable.

 

*facedesk* Now this is just down-right ridiculous. It's sounding like you're making fun of Crab' date=' saying that you are wearing her, which makes no sense. Clean up what? Your act? Because that's the only mess I see. Anything else is the deluded trash of your reviewing attempts.[/quote']

 

Second, he was going to put on the sort of attitude Crab has when she reviews. His first review was better then yours, so you certainly don't have much room to talk.

 

I agree. I've seen it for some people' date=' but not all. As long as you don't put sarcasm, you'll be just fine. And it's pronounced "Idiocy", not "Idiocracy".[/quote']

 

Idiocracy: government that is based upon abstract theory; Rule by idiots

 

All these comments are basically irrelevant. And since this Duel Academy' date=' there is no Turbo Deck List in any of the stories.[/quote']

 

This new owner was declared and is the son of sartorious' date=' he attracted new students with the newly installed duel runner track and new dorms.[/quote']

 

Read the last part. Newly installed Duel Runner Track. I hate 5D's, but I know that regular spells won't work, and I don't believe every single card has a Speed Spell counter part. If they do, well, I haven't watched the show enough.

 

Aaaah' date=' Irrelevance. Every person needs that every now and then. But not today![/quote']

 

Yet your making the same irrelevant comments he is.

 

Is there a reason as to why you keep making these pointless comments? I mean' date=' if you are to keep doing this, I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

*facewall* Will you stop with these pointless questions, because they're not going to be answered! If you think you are good with reviewing, then ask questions that you can answer YOURSELF![/quote']

 

It's called a subtle way to imply that he needs to explain more.

 

Guess who's sounding like me with MY first attempt at reviewing? If you are going to mock me' date=' don't! Period. I yelled at Fics every now and then, but you overdid it. You were insulting the creator more than the RP itself. That is just being stupid. But I'll agree with the stuff you said to add. True, the creator of an RP needs to be fair, but I'm pretty sure this was mad by a n00b, so he didn't have a clue as to what was going on. And maybe, that n00b doesn't follow rules.[/quote']

 

Uh no. This is much better then your first attempt. It has it's faults, yes, but it's not bad.

 

In conclusion' date=' if you want to do reviews, do some research first. Because I can't stand that someone would be this horrible after ONE review.[/quote']

 

Oh yes, the fact that your first review was worse then this must just boil your blood then.

[Nexev]

Ahhhh.... yeah, it was about the second roleplay I made, and I was rushed.

 

Your half right, chief is part of Big C, it's a group of people.

 

ALlot of the plot is missing as I wanted it to expand naturally, it had a big plot twist at the end.

 

 

Oh and digimodification is like drugs, by doing it you alter the very existence of your being and make it stronger while sacrificing parts of your AI, making you more emotionless.