The Pub at the Edge of the Multiverse ~ Fanfiction Public Planning Thread

[Catterjune]

You mean like Snakes on a Plane? Because that was such a great movie... <_<

I'm not saying a Choose Your Own Adventure fic would be the next Shakespeare, I'm just saying take it for what it is. Good cheap mindless fun. Not everything has to be a masterpiece. (Though just one on YCM would be nice.)

 

something about 24 or something

Troll answer: Why not make 36 chapters?

 

Possibly better answer: Write two 'pilot' chapters. One is chapter 1 and 2 of 48 chapters. One is chapter 1 of 24 chapters. Send them out to close people, people who's opinions you actually care about. See which other people think is the 'better' style.

 

I tried doing something similar, except instead of doing one, 40 chapter story I did 4, ten chapters all at the same time, and updated them simultaneous, because they were all occuring simultaneous. This weeks chapter could be read in any order spread out among the four. You wouldn't be able to get the full story until you read all four chapters, which made it for a bit of a difficult read, but thoroughly enjoyable for the few who did.

 

However, it was hard as hell to get this done. Keeping the flow of time moving all at once, making sure things were consistent, all that. And, like I said since it was difficult to follow I ended up not having very many fans of the story and feeling discouraged about finishing it.

 

Then that show 24 came out and I felt like I'd be compared to it so I just abandoned it.

 

So... like... yeah. =\

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Troll answer: Why not make 36 chapters?

 

:D

 

Possibly better answer: Write two 'pilot' chapters. One is chapter 1 and 2 of 48 chapters. One is chapter 1 of 24 chapters. Send them out to close people, people who's opinions you actually care about. See which other people think is the 'better' style.

 

I tried doing something similar, except instead of doing one, 40 chapter story I did 4, ten chapters all at the same time, and updated them simultaneous, because they were all occuring simultaneous. This weeks chapter could be read in any order spread out among the four. You wouldn't be able to get the full story until you read all four chapters, which made it for a bit of a difficult read, but thoroughly enjoyable for the few who did.

 

However, it was hard as hell to get this done. Keeping the flow of time moving all at once, making sure things were consistent, all that. And, like I said since it was difficult to follow I ended up not having very many fans of the story and feeling discouraged about finishing it.

 

Then that show 24 came out and I felt like I'd be compared to it so I just abandoned it.

 

So... like... yeah. =\

 

Suppose that is one way. I just hate writing a load of stuff only to have to delete it. :D

 

Chapter 1 is fairly set either way, because I wanted to do something different to what people usually do with the opening. I guess it depends what people will find less confusing/easier to read; character focused base where time goes back and forward a little bit within each hour, or time focused base where everything happens exactly chronlogically and skips between 5-6 different sets of characters.

 

Also doing 1 longer chapter a week might be less pressure than 2, but people don't want uber long chapters and there is a fair bit (although some could be cut). Might have to go to the Umbra school of 'less dueling is more than'.

 

Sounds an interesting story you did there.

[Catterjune]

Suppose that is one way. I just hate writing a load of stuff only to have to delete it. :D

That's the process of writing though, isn't it? I must have written and re-written the first chapter of my crappy story about 5 times before settling on a version that I felt was "good enough".

 

I remember reading a word of advice. Everything you write will always be seen to you as "your children". Because of that, when someone tells you to cut it, you can't bring yourself to do it, because it's like killing your children. But in the end, it all comes to the 100% rule. If you're not 100% confident in what you're writing, you shouldn't write it in.

 

Sounds an interesting story you did there.

It was the third (possibly fourth or second?) part of a long 3 part story.

 

[spoiler=This is actually pretty long and not at all relevant to anything]It was about Pokemon. All legendary Pokemon were treated in a class as "higher then legendary", more deities then anything. And you could only become a "legendary" all powerful Pokemon by being the last Pokemon of your own species.

 

Our "protagonist?" Was an abandoned Pikachu (because YAY! Pikachus!) who, after being abandoned by it's trainer (his trainer was only concerned in Legendary Pokemon) goes off on a multi-continent quest to kill all other Pikachu.

 

SPOILERS! He fails. The final battle between him and a female Pichu takes place at Mount Pyre. The souls of all the Pikachu he's killed hold him back and kill him, making the next legendary the young Pichu (who had been making cameos all throughout the fic, along with her trainer, Stephanie).

 

 

Second arc, the Legendary Pokemon (dubbed Gods in my story) are upset that this random Pichu has entered the upper echeleons with them and do not acknowledge her. They decide to test her, and Stephanie and Michu (her Pichu) must travel the globe to find the place where the legendaries exist and defeat them.

 

Third (mini-arc) Michu eventually evolves, and has an egg. Stephanie lugs it around, but the pair are given a task. As they had critically weakened the Gods of the Pokemon world, that meant the Devil of the Pokemon World was much more powerful. tl;dr - The Devil is Missingno.

 

SPOILER! - The Missingno duplicates Michu's egg, giving her hundreds of children, so that the Pikachu population is restored and everything goes back to normal. However...

 

End-Tag for Arc 3: Team Rocket stumble upon the twitchy and injured Missingno. They quickly discover his item duplication ability.

 

Arc 4 (the arc I mentioned in that post): Silph Co, in combination with a bunch of other people (Devon Corp, Kurt) are finally able to (re)create one Master Ball prototype. The Master Ball is stolen by Team Rocket.

 

"It's just one prototype though. It's not like it's the end of the world."

 

Cue Missingno. And yes, subjugating Pokemon is pretty much the end of the world. Especially once some of the legendaries start getting captured.

 

Arc 4 dealt with the champion of each region (Pokemon Trainer Blue, Lance, Steven and Cynthia) going on an epic quest to stop Team Rocket, defeat Missingno, and save the world.

 

 

Chapter 1 is fairly set either way, because I wanted to do something different to what people usually do with the opening.

What do you mean by that? More specifically, what do people "usually do with the opening?"

 

I guess it depends what people will find less confusing/easier to read; character focused base where time goes back and forward a little bit within each hour, or time focused base where everything happens exactly chronlogically and skips between 5-6 different sets of characters.

In my opinion, focus more on the story. If you have to physically write scenes like:

 

"Bob went to the bathroom!"

"Alice went to a starbucks for coffee!"

"Bob slept for the next 4 chapters"

 

It wouldn't be worth it. Focus on the scenes that contribute to the story. If making long chapters where everyone gets talked to doesn't contribute much to the story (or the impact it has to the story is extremely small) I'd consider not adding it in.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

That's the process of writing though, isn't it? I must have written and re-written the first chapter of my crappy story about 5 times before settling on a version that I felt was "good enough".

 

I remember reading a word of advice. Everything you write will always be seen to you as "your children". Because of that, when someone tells you to cut it, you can't bring yourself to do it, because it's like killing your children. But in the end, it all comes to the 100% rule. If you're not 100% confident in what you're writing, you shouldn't write it in.

 

I don't mind going back and editing and stuff, its just the idea of writing two chapters knowing 1 of them will be deleted isn't a great prospect. Nice advice though, it really is true,

 

What do you mean by that? More specifically, what do people "usually do with the opening?"

 

Meaning I know what will happen in Chapter 1 either way. I actually know what the main focus of each of the first 24 chapters is if it stays that way, obviously reduction of chapters would see some stuff cut but not sure I can completely through that much out without taking away from the story overall. If I go from 48 chapter format to 24 it's not as simple as Chapter 1 and 2 become 1, 3 and 4 become 2, etc.

 

And what does everyone do as the focus of chapter 1 in their ygo fanfics that gets a little tedious after seeing again and again?

 

In my opinion, focus more on the story. If you have to physically write scenes like:

 

"Bob went to the bathroom!"

"Alice went to a starbucks for coffee!"

"Bob slept for the next 4 chapters"

 

It wouldn't be worth it. Focus on the scenes that contribute to the story. If making long chapters where everyone gets talked to doesn't contribute much to the story (or the impact it has to the story is extremely small) I'd consider not adding it in.

 

The whole idea of a tight timescale should eliminate the need for filler like that, and I certainly wouldn't waste my time or readers about every bathroom break and every second, just the important stuff and while they're doing something not so exciting like traveling, focus on someone else. I'm three episodes into my boxset now so am getting to grips with its format a bit more (although everything in LA where the series is based seems ridiculously nearby to everywhere else and getting between locations doesn't take very long. Neither do complex research tasks or anything. :3)

[The King of James]

I have been working on a project for a couple of weeks, and so I wish to see if anyone thinks it's any good - I do, but I'm both my own worst critic and my own worst pushover ^_^...

 

The series will be called:

Shadowthorn Chronicles

 

This book (book one) will be called:

The Four Siblings

 

The Main Protagonists are named:

 

 

Vanier - A level-headed youth whose critical thinking skills and thoroughly planned dueling tactics far surpass his dueling spirit, and allow him to win battles of sheer skill. He has only lost a few duels, and has only lost one game of chess in his life, of which he plays daily. He has been often forced into underground duels where his life was on the line, and is the only duelist to have dueled Aksurtep's personal deck and lived to tell the tale. His record is 74 wins, 3 losses. He manipulates and controls Machine and Psychic types.

 

Raxim - A timid and calm youth at first glance, he actually has a very short, yet dormant, temper, which often will cause his defeat unexpectedly. Only certain subjects will bring his temper forth from dormancy, due to horrific memories from his childhood. He is searching for his parents, but does not know that they and the rest of his family are already deceased. His memory was affected in the accident where his family died, and so he does not know his last name. His current duelist record is 14 wins, 13 losses. He fights with Fiend and Dragon type monsters.

 

Ianria - A hotheaded teenage girl who decided she was going to be the top of the dueling world as a child, and has not lost since. A prodigy of dueling and emotional manipulation, she is an opponent few have faced without regrets, and none have faced unscathed. She is one of the only people to have defeated Vanier, who is equally famous in terms of skills to herself. Her current record is 126 wins, 0 losses. She is a user of Warrior-type monsters.

 

Velona - An elegant and beautiful, yet extemely experienced duelist, and a young woman of age nineteen who is taking classes as a sophomore at the Duelist University of Osaka prefecture. She is an expert at tournament duels and fairly adept in duels with her life on the line, as she encounters both kinds of duels on a daily basis, by choice or by force of situation. Her current duelist record is 1,421 wins, 328 losses. She uses Spellcaster types.

 

The main antagonists are:

 

Aksurtep - A person more mysterious than evil, with intentions left in the shadows for none to find. He often helps the heroes shortly after hindering them, raising questions on whether or not he's really an enemy. His dueling record is unknown, and no one knows what types his personal deck uses as the cards he uses change nearly every duel he's seen in. The people who have seen him duel with his personal deck are either underground duelists (duelists who duel with their lives at stake), or people who are no longer among the living.

 

Lithian - A preteen boy whose objective is to control the world of dueling. his methods are brutal, and despite his small body he is very strong and capable of easily inflicting mortal wounds on any unprepared attacker. He duels just as ruthlessly, with lives always on the line in underground duels. He is wealthy and able to hold tournaments often, and thus he has earned the disdain and respect of the police forces for being able to keep his own hands clean whilst others dirty theirs for him. He has two capable bodyguards who double as scout informants, but often hires Aksurtep to do special scouting due to Aksurtep's undoubtable ability to quickly gather vital information. A duelist record of this person's wins and losses is strictly forbidden. Information on his deck type is also forbidden.

 

Lilyani - A former childhood friend of Lithian until he became mad with his quest for more power, never satisfied with the dominance he already had, she is a duelist who now serves Lithian only because she feels she has to, in order to see him be happy. All she wanted was for him to grasp happiness, but now she wants him to find it again. She is not a duelist, but physically impedes the path of the heroes, and goes as far as even killing anyone who threatens Lithian. She regrets her actions but will not change her decision, because she remains loyal to Lithian.

 

Now from here on, I'll explain the plot outline a bit:

 

Prologue - Meeting of Four Trials:

 

In this chapter the four siblings, or Vanier, Raxim, Ianria and Velona, meet fatefully at the altar of Declaration after going through the ultimate trials as duelists and as humans - To die and live, to kill without killing, to win without winning, to lose without losing. They meet at the altar and the God of Games declares them to be the four siblings of hope and light. They each make an oath upon their souls to return here after their own journeys are completed. Before they leave the altar, Vanier says something that angers Ianria, and thus Ianria with her quick resolve to fight challenges him. Vanier thought he would win because of his tactics, but to his surprise he lost.

 

Chapter 1 - Deptarture of Brothers and Sisters:

 

In this chapter Vanier gracefully accepts his defeat, and admits that she is now among the only 3 duelists who are greater than he in the mortal world, including herself, Lithian, and Aksurtep. The God of Games intervenes in their idle speaking, and sends them in four different paths which they had chosen while making their oaths... the rest after this part is up to the RPers, allowing the plot to shift quite a bit!

 

I will admit that was laziness and the fact that it's 1am here though. ^_^

[Catterjune]

Meaning I know what will happen in Chapter 1 either way

... So are you implying most people usually don't know what will happen in chapter 1? <_<

 

I mean, I mostly ask because I'm also attempting to be as subversive in the things that I write and not follow the trend.

 

And what does everyone do as the focus of chapter 1 in their ygo fanfics that gets a little tedious after seeing again and again?

I don't know. That's why I asked. DX

 

 

Shadowthorn Chronicles

 

I briefly skimmed the stuff you wrote (I may read it in it's entireity later) but overall, I have two main questions:

 

1: What is the location/time/etc etc of this story? Basically, while reading the summaries and everything, I imagined everything in some mythical Tolkein/Elder Scrolls/Legend of Zelda/Final Fantasy setting and nothing seemed to contradict it. Then I imagined in "present" time (as in, Domino City/Duel Academy type present) and it all still fit. Then I imagined it as a super futuristic society, and it all still fit.

 

So... tl;dr - What is the setting in the story?

 

2: What is the plot? Like... they're the chosen grand legendary duelists who meet god or something... but what does that matter? Why should I care about these people and their struggle (if there even is a struggle to begin with)?

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

I have been working on a project for a couple of weeks, and so I wish to see if anyone thinks it's any good - I do, but I'm both my own worst critic and my own worst pushover ^_^...

 

A new fanfic writer, yay! Welcome.

 

Had a flick through. Four prodical saviours... Final Fantasy 3 jumps to mind here. Plot doesn't seem to have been given as much thought as characters yet... all seems that you've got a sort of start but very little long term plan. But then again why would you tell us the ending now?

 

... So are you implying most people usually don't know what will happen in chapter 1? <_<

 

I mean, I mostly ask because I'm also attempting to be as subversive in the things that I write and not follow the trend.

 

I don't know. That's why I asked. DX

 

I'm saying that most YGO fics follow the same format in Chapter 1, or more to my point introduce the same character. It always seems to be 'Hi, I'm the lead hero of this story, and I'm being thrust into some kind of situation against a jobber villian'. I will certainly not be doing this (not until Chapter 2 anyway :D) and instead be starting a bit more... brutally...

 

Sorry to be vague but I want to keep this fairly under wraps.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

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...... "If you are reading this message, then you have my deepest sympathy. For you now find yourself trapped in a world caught in a struggle that holds thousands of lives in the balance.....................

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.......Trapped in a virtual nightmare where enemies gather in every shadow and your next loss may be your last. The real world will not be free from this chaos for any more than a few hours..............................

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...If you chose to fight you must act fast, for the clock is ticking.....

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....There will be no escape.........................

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.......For many, there will be no tomorrow....

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......It is Saturday 15^th April 2059, and this will be the longest day in the history of Japan, and perhaps the world...”

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‘Welcome to the Virtual Duel System. We hope you enjoy your experience...’

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...24:00:00... 23:59:59... 23:59:58...

[Fusion X. Denver]

‘Welcome to the Virtual Duel System. We hope you enjoy your experience...’

 

I'm still psyched for the fic, but it's not gonna be a clone of Dead Zone, is it?

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

I'm still psyched for the fic, but it's not gonna be a clone of Dead Zone, is it?

 

Second person to say that... <_<

 

Not saying to much now, but there are going to be a few unavoidable similarities. But clone? Certainly not.

[Aesirson]

I just had a crazy idea for a Superhero fic, and I use the term superhero loosely.

 

The story is about a man in his late teens/early twenties who somehow gets his hands around one of them magical lamps with a genie inside. Worthy of note is that this man, while having a kind heart, is very arrogant and is the kind of guy who always wants to be the best. Anyway, he is met by the genie who explains that, despite how pop culture depicts his kind, he doesn't fullfill three wishes forevery person who summons him. A genie is only able to fullfill three wishes total, and then they die and go to genie heaven or something.

 

The previous owner of the genie only wished for one thing; unlimited fortune, and then abandoned the genie to fullfill someone else's wishes. Our main character doesn't hesitate to ask the genie to boost his ego by, you guessed it, give him superpowers. The first few chapters will be about out main character using the superpowers to gain respect and other selfish things, but he prevents himself from doing any crime (I'm pondering the thought that while he asks the genie for superpowers he also wishes that he will never be able to use the powers to do bad)

 

He soon grows bored of his life as a superman, and as a final ego boost he asks the genie to give him "real challanges". This is were all hell breaks lose. The genie dies due to the fact that it has fullfilled three wishes and the man is left alone with superpowers and a whole world to save from his own mistake...

 

If the fic continues long enough the main character will eventually try to find a second genie to wish for it all to go back to normal, but that would be a bit in.

 

Thoughts?

[Catterjune]

If the fic continues long enough the main character will eventually try to find a second genie to wish for it all to go back to normal, but that would be a bit in.

I was kind of on board with your story until this part of the story. That just seems like a ridiculous Deus Ex Machina IMO.

 

Prolly make it something like... more profound would be nice. Instead of a quick get-out-of-jail-free card he has to learn about humility or something to destroy the ultimate evil (or at least it's one step towards defeating the evil).

[Aesirson]

I guess you're right.

 

I'll start writing this weekend. Unless omeone else has something to point out, that is?

[Catterjune]

One sentence summary: The small vampire aristocracy fights the huge zombie horde for a chance to eat the last remains of humanity.

 

Mostly working out the mechanics of how vampires work and how zombies work. =|

[Just Crouton]

I'm thinking of replacing the wrestling commentator narrator in ALL HAIL KING CROUTON! There's only enough times I can quote Jim Ross, Joey Styles, and Michael Cole before the novelty wears off. I might drop him at the end of the next chapter, and I'm looking for ideas for a narrator who's also crazy and gives the story energy. Basically, I've gone through 3 narrators in soon-to-be 5 chapters. Chapter 1 featured a generic, third-person narrator you get in any story, and he was fired and replaced by the wrestling commentator, and the 2nd guy got a co-narrator who is a parody of Mike Tenay and Mike Adamle and was really a puppet created by the original narrator to sabotage the narrative and as of chapter 4, has made a contract with a demon from Earth to get his revenge on his replacement and also bad authors in general.

 

I'm also thinking of phasing out a narrator and have the story tell itself, with the narrator providing visual details and who said what but takes more of a backseat.

[Northern Sage]

I was thinking about writing a semi-generic crime thriller fic (hell, I've already started) using multiple perspectives and all that good stuff.

Thoughts?

I apologize if this is in any way a wrong way to post this.

[Catterjune]

I was thinking about writing a semi-generic crime thriller fic (hell, I've already started) using multiple perspectives and all that good stuff.

Thoughts?

I apologize if this is in any way a wrong way to post this.

Other then being a semi-generic crime thriller with multiple perspectives, can you tell us anything else?

 

I'm thinking of replacing the wrestling commentator narrator in ALL HAIL KING CROUTON! There's only enough times I can quote Jim Ross, Joey Styles, and Michael Cole before the novelty wears off. I might drop him at the end of the next chapter, and I'm looking for ideas for a narrator who's also crazy and gives the story energy. Basically, I've gone through 3 narrators in soon-to-be 5 chapters. Chapter 1 featured a generic, third-person narrator you get in any story, and he was fired and replaced by the wrestling commentator, and the 2nd guy got a co-narrator who is a parody of Mike Tenay and Mike Adamle and was really a puppet created by the original narrator to sabotage the narrative and as of chapter 4, has made a contract with a demon from Earth to get his revenge on his replacement and also bad authors in general.

 

I'm also thinking of phasing out a narrator and have the story tell itself, with the narrator providing visual details and who said what but takes more of a backseat.

I don't think you know what a narrator is or what a narrator should be doing.

[Northern Sage]

Plot consensus:

A woman is found dead in her apartment, stabbed. A man resembling her husband is seen running away from the apartment, and after a witness finds a knife with the victim's blood on and the husband's fingerprints, he becomes the prime suspect. C.I. Susan Keyes is called to investigate the case, and as she starts looking into it, she receives strange phone calls from a person who only refers to himself as "The Catalyst", and knows too much about the case. Soon, more corpses appear.

 

^Yeah, that is a typical consensus, I believe.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

Weird. I was thinking of doing my own crime thriller myself. And unlike the other main crime thrillers like CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, etc., the idea revolves around the CIA instead of the FBI or federal agents. Does anyone want to hear the synopsis?

[Catterjune]

I still want to write that ol' realistic Yu-Gi-Oh story...

 

Basically, taking place in the summer of 2008 (shortly after the rise of Phantom Darkness) our protagonists (two guys who went off to college, and a third guy who was still in high school but didn't want to go to locals without his buddies) return to their local Duel Monsters tournament only to discover EVERYTHING! has changed. All their decks are considered obsoleted with DarkArmedDragon.dek now dominating everything.

 

The trio are challenged, not just in a lolChildrensCardGame but also with the addition of a forth to the group (a girl, because lolestrogen) their friendship is put to the test.

 

There is nothing at all paranormal about anything, the stakes are never raised to "the fate of the world", there's no magic items, no duel disks, etc etc. Within this world, Yu-Gi-Oh is just a TV show, the cards are just a passing hobby. The majority of the tension comes between the interaction of the four team members of Team Shuffle and Cut in outside activities, not the duels.

 

... Right now I'm trying to hammer out personalities and names. Gonna really put more work into it after I finish my crappy ghost detective story though.

[Northern Sage]

Weird. I was thinking of doing my own crime thriller myself. And unlike the other main crime thrillers like CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, etc., the idea revolves around the CIA instead of the FBI or federal agents. Does anyone want to hear the synopsis?

Please share, so I can compare my idea with the idea of someone a bit more experienced...

[Catterjune]

I had an idea for not really a story, but just the basic premise of a thing.

 

Basically, it's a story taking place in the far and distant-ish future. Humanity has mostly decided to lock themselves in metal pods or whatever and attach their minds to computer, ala the Matrix.

 

The protagonist is a guy on the outside, within the 'real world'. His basic job is oversee the entire digital world. He doesn't ever enter it, just makes sure everything is running smoothly. However he's kind of just a jaded and bored guy, looking for whatever to break up the monotony.

 

In short, he's basically God of their world, the lives of hundreds of millions of people are in his hand, but he just really doesn't give a damn about the world he's in charge of.

 

... But beyond that, I don't know how or where the story would go. Just one guy tasked with 100 percent of the lives of everyone else.

I finally decided what to do this, for anyone that was wondering. I actually really rather like the way the idea has formed. Look for it to be the (most likely) fourth story I do. (After Cleansed and after Shuffle and Cut).

[Kōsuke Ueki]

Was that a compliment, Vice? Thank you. ANYWAY:

 

Just like the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU), NCIS, and federal agents, there is a special unit in the CIA called the Unknown Adversaries Investigation Unit (UAIU). Basically, they do all of the same things as the BAU and NCIS, but look at only their records of criminals under specific aliases and known information, including gender, age, method of crimes, and much more that you will see soon enough. The team is split into 5 different squads, all titled with the 5 main vowels, A, E, I, O, and U (Y is in the making).

 

Squad A is the main squad, the one being called in the most to handle an investigation since they are usually the best squad to get the job done. Squad E is the secondary squad, usually the one with specific information for either their own cases, or cases for the other squads. They would be the ones to collect information that the other squads were unable to collect through special access to government computers that reveal secret information about whoever is being tracked down. How the government gets this information is unknown.

Squad I is the tetriary (Not sure if that was spelled right) squad, sometimes called the "Psychic Squad" mainly for the fact that they can see certain things at a crime scene that other squads have not noticed. If other squads can't seem to find any way to continue with the investigation, Squad I is called in to check any evidence left at the crime scene that was never noticed before to find anything new and open a new door in the case. Without this squad, many cases over the last 30 years would never have been solved and would still be going on without any of the agents of the CIA able to do anything about it. That's the reason why the UAIU was created: to make use of trying to solve what the CIA calls "Jack The Ripper" cases, since the perpetrators have no identity when they begin.

 

Squads O and U had mysteriously disappeared on April 1, 1997. Originally, There was no murder of any of the members of either squad or evidence that would link the other squads to the missing squads. It was at first believed to be the start of an April Fools joke on that day for someone of the other squads. But when they weren't heard from for an entire week, the entire CIA knew that this was one of the biggest cases ever: the disappearance of their own squads. However, without a single crime scene to report by any of the squads (Since they all were involved in it) or any evidence to move on, it became a cold case, one that might never be solved. Since then, nobody has remembered what jobs Squads O and U did for the UAIU. They could have been dead when the remaining squads realized they disappeared, but they can never know what happened without the reason.

 

The present time is set in 2012, the 30th Anniversary of the unit's creation. Squads A, B, and C have grouped together to make the UAIU a whole unit (Or as whole as they can be). Jason Mass, the original leader of Squad A and now the leader of the entire UAIU, has been with the UAIU since 1990, the day in which leaders are announced for each squad, and was 18 at the time when he first joined. He is now 40 and still fresh and ready to go for any cases that is thrown at him. The day before the 30th Anniversary, March 17, he recieved a strange letter from an Anonymous source in which its contents will be revealed in the first chapter.

 

Now, if anyone wishes to help me with this, please PM me. Or better yet, Vice, we can probably work together on this. However, it's up to you.

[Catterjune]

Reading over your summary all I can think of is one word. What?

 

... I mean, not trying to be rude, and I guess I don't understand anything about crime or whatever since the only crime-related show I watch is CSI but...

 

there is a special unit in the CIA called the Unknown Adversaries Investigation Unit (UAIU). Basically, they do all of the same things as the BAU and NCIS,

This sentence would probably be more helpful if I new what BAU and NCIS did.

 

but look at only their records of criminals under specific aliases and known information, including gender, age, method of crimes, and much more that you will see soon enough.

As I said earlier, I don't know much about FBI or whatever, but I just kind of figured known aliases, gender, age, and information of the crime was pretty much standard fair.

 

"We're looking for a Jaime O'Brien."

"Is that a man or a woman?"

"Sorry bud, we're not UAIU. (Speaking into walkie-talkie) Liutenant, we request information on the gender of Jaime O'Brien."

 

I dunno. I just... don't see how this is any different from any whatever random cop drama. If anything, it's only served to confuse me more. Just what is they're investigating? And do NCIS or BAU or whoever really not have something as simple as a criminal's age and gender?

 

The team is split into 5 different squads, all titled with the 5 main vowels, A, E, I, O, and U (Y is in the making).

 

[and then more info about the squad]

Why? I mean... sure that may be how things are honestly done in real life (again, I'm ignorant about the world of crime here) but that sounds like it would lead to a really confusing and boring and bad storyline.

 

As I said earlier, CSI is the only cop drama I watch (and I barely watch it anymore) and there usually the same 6 man band. They investigate and gather evidence with field work, process evidence in labs, and conduct the interrogations. And yeah, those three jobs are IRL handled by three different people but... it's more difficult to follow a case this way, and more bloated if it had to be a team of 18 people.

 

It's the classic First Law of Metafictional Thermodyanamics. When you add a character or setting, the plot slows down to accomodate them and give them a proper introduction. When you remove characters, the plot speeds up. In any case, I'd much prefer a speedy plot where things get done over a slow one where very little happens between chapters. I mean, not that I doubt your ability to produce a quality story, but let's be realistic. Of the hundreds, possibly thousands of stories in the section, how many do you think honestly got to the end?

 

Basically, I think a 5 man team, would be difficult, but doable. A 5-team-team would be ridiculous and terribly slow paced.

 

Squads O and U had mysteriously disappeared on April 1, 1997.

 

[And then everything else in that paragraph]

The whole entire thing just sound so patently ridiculous I can hardly even comprehend it. I mean, I dunno you set them up to be super police officers, and then completely dismantle it by saying they lost two whole divisions. They literally lost 2/5th of their team, a little bit under half of their squad. The people they saw every single day at work, their friends and colleagues. They went to weddings, birthday parties, to baseball games together, knew each others family (that's how tight people who risk their lives in that line of work typically get) and most likely got along for the past 15 years. Then all of a sudden, not only do they assume it to be a cold case and no evidence or anything, but they up and FORGOT what the team did. Really? That's just ridiculous. And not one person was training to be Team O or Team U's replacement? None of them were a day away from retirement, with an eager young replacement at the ready? There were no wide eyed kids in college excited to join U-team one day? They couldn't speak with O-Comamnder's wife and ask her if she ever told him what she does for a living? Like... these guys were heroes and you forgot them in less time then they've existed. That's just like... beyond stupid, it's tragic.

 

In any case, I don't even know what Teams A, E, and I do come to think of it.

 

Team A solves cases, Team E solves cases, except they have specific information about the case (meaning Team A does not?) and Team I solves cases, but does it because they're less terrible at evidence gathering.

 

... So A is the "best" team, even though they lack information (unlike Team E) and they lack evidence gathering skills (like Team I). What? Why not send Team I in first, all the time?

 

Squads A, B, and C have grouped together to make the UAIU a whole unit

Minor nitpick: Did you mean A, E, and I? Or did you mean that there's now a Team A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I?

 

Basically... two biggest problems in your story:

 

a) The teams aren't all that well defined in what they specialize in. Hell, the whole A-E-I-O-U (and sometimes Y) seems poorly developed, from what I can tell. It doesn't contribute much to the story, and making it a local precinct thing in a small town would almost surely work better.

 

b) It sounds like to me this could end up as something with lots-and-lots of characters, so I'd advice you avoid that like the plague.

 

In my opinion.

[Quiksilver]

Pika, I still remember when you first posted that idea and when your name still was PikaPerson01. I still believe you should go through on it.

 

I also remember critiquing your Ghost Detective series, but let's not dwell on that, because I officially suck at critiquing.

 

Do you have any sort of overreaching plotline for the story besides "casual dueling"? Right now, it just seems like it would turn out to be a bunch of unconnected duels and/or events. Maybe you could ground it in real life, since you want to keep it realistic. Just something that ties the story together.

 

also remember you mentioning names for the three guys and the one girl in another post in this very thread...but for the life of me I can't find it. You also touched a bit on personality, as I recall how you mentioned lolestrogen girl hated Duel Monsters for some reason. I also remember it sounding pretty good, so perhaps you could go off that - if you could find it, unlike me.

 

***

 

TSA, what are the investigation groups? The vowels you said, but then you went on to list A, B, and C, like Hatcher mentioned.

 

Unlike my fellow reviewer here, I am an avid crime show fan. I've watched NCIS and CSI many a time. Anyways, how are the groups different from an "ordinary" crime investigation team, besides being part of the CIA? I once again redirect you to Pika, where he (she?) mentioned that the things you mention, ordinary cops do as well. There's nothing that really makes them stand out, other than they're specialized.

 

The disappearing groups thing also sounds ridiculous. It's creepy and conspiracy-worthy when an entire team disappears (what happened? Is it related to the case they were working on?) but it gets borderline ridiculous when everyone just "forgets" about them, has no idea what they doing while they were working. I also dislike how it was two entire teams instead of just one - I mean, abducting one teams sounds like it would barely be accomplished, but two?

 

The disappearance seems like it could be a good idea, if not exactly meshing with the super-cop idea, but not if everything just settles back to normal with nobody caring what happened to these two teams.

 

Also, it's spelled tertiary.

 

***

 

So, I also have my own idea for a original story (or as original I can get, which is not really close) about a future in which aliens have invaded the Earth. The humans are now attempting to fight back, you know the story. The only thing is, this is from the perspective of humans who are controlled by the aliens.

 

Basically, the aliens attacked us and basically launched a ground war that divided up the U.S.A. The lower and portion of the U.S. (and the rest of the world, save a few pockets of resistance here and there) are all controlled by the aliens, who have yet to be named. They control the humans they capture through little chips implanted into their brains, which basically turn the humans into zombies utterly controlled by their human masters. This has become the fate of most of the U.S.'s population, except for the northwest. Here is the last free human capital of the world, where all free humans have gathered to make one last fight against the alien threat. But this isn't about them.

 

Instead, The story will be about a group of humans living in New York City, which was one of the first places overrun. They are some of the last free humans in the city, and basically they are looking for a way out. A way out of alien territory and into the Northwest. If it even exists, which some of the more nihilistic members of the group argue that it doesn't.

 

So the story will be mainly about their attempts to survive in a hostile environment as well as their attempts to escape. I still need to define the characters as well as the aliens and how they work.

 

Thoughts?